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Ariel

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@Ariel. Reading what you write, in your own musings or in threads to others, brings me a quiet kind of hope. And makes me smile! To a lot of us that is worth so much right now, to be touched by something other than pain or fear. 

You are a treasure even in your darkest of moments. I wish you all the healing and all the experiencing of your words as feelings. 

 

2013-2016 Setraline, Desvenfalaxine, Lexapro & Fluoxetine. CTd. 

Aug 2016 RI- Lex 40mg, Zyban 150mg. 

Feb 2017 - Lex 20mg, 150mg Zyban. 

July 2017 10mg Lex Zyban 150mg. 

2020-2021 CT Zyban. Lex taper to 5mg 1xday, then every othr day, then 1-2x a week. 

Early 2022- Lexapro 2.5mg 1-2 a week. 

17/Mar Crash & CT

RI Lex 0.25mg 16 Apr. | 0.35 23rd Apr. | 0.5 1 May. |0.75 17 May

Temazepam 5mg 17|4, 10mg 19|4, 10mg 20|4

Valacyclovir 31|05,1|06

Other: Melatonin 1mg at night. Occasional single Panadol or Ibuprofen. 1 decaf 25|05

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Also, not to clutter your topic but after your insight on cooking being mindful when you can't handle that anymore I thought Id share an insight from today that made me laugh. 

 

I used to enjoy a lot of the things we are meant to do to calm down- Sitting quietly, deep breathing, progressive muscle relaxation. Currently that all sets my alert system off. And when I am home the slightest discomfort and unexpected noise in alert mode makes me derealize and feel like I am not in my own space but rather on a Truman Show esque set. 

 

I also used to be very very sensitive to sunlight, temperature, sound, smells etc and outside was difficult for me. I haven't experimented with cooking yet, but I had to urgently leave the house for a chore today and found I felt CALMER walking around outside. Because I had no expectations of outside being calm and there was so much going on, it made my thoughts slow down and took me outside my awareness of my own body and symptoms. It may have helped that it was a quiet rainy evening - daylight is still a killer. 

 

I ended up opting to groceryshop late at night by choice, led by my partner to avoid TOO much stress on my system. It is funny, how in withdrawal, things that we so often loved are taken but we find little ways to adapt. 

 

If I get a window this week, next will be cooking, a la‘ Ariel!

2013-2016 Setraline, Desvenfalaxine, Lexapro & Fluoxetine. CTd. 

Aug 2016 RI- Lex 40mg, Zyban 150mg. 

Feb 2017 - Lex 20mg, 150mg Zyban. 

July 2017 10mg Lex Zyban 150mg. 

2020-2021 CT Zyban. Lex taper to 5mg 1xday, then every othr day, then 1-2x a week. 

Early 2022- Lexapro 2.5mg 1-2 a week. 

17/Mar Crash & CT

RI Lex 0.25mg 16 Apr. | 0.35 23rd Apr. | 0.5 1 May. |0.75 17 May

Temazepam 5mg 17|4, 10mg 19|4, 10mg 20|4

Valacyclovir 31|05,1|06

Other: Melatonin 1mg at night. Occasional single Panadol or Ibuprofen. 1 decaf 25|05

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Hi there@MtSnow

Thanks for your message. 

Unification sounds swell, sign me up. ;-)

It sounds like what I often think of as "integration", "integrity", "wholeness" -- being able to move through life in alignment. I feel like I've experienced this for limited periods of time. It seems to me to be a temporary physiological state of exquisite balance, all systems go. I wonder whether it's even possible or realistic to feel that way more or less permanently... I don't know. What do you think? Is such a feat reserved for prophets, messiahs, Zen masters? Or can any old post-psychiatric schmo aspire/retire to functional enlightenment? 

Funny what you said about spirit. It's the mind/body bit that's always felt slippery for me. Social identity, belonging, earthly life present my greatest existential challenges. The soul/spirit aspect has never bothered me, that's my happy place. Oy the commute! 

Blessings back atcha <3

 

1996-2018 - misc. polypharmacy, incl. SSRIs, SNRIs, neuroleptics, lithium, benzos, stimulants, antihistamines, etc. (approx. 30+ drugs)

2012-2018 - 10mg lexapro/escitalopram (20mg?)    Jan. 2018 - 10mg -> 5mg, then from 5mg -> 2.5mg, then 0mg  -->  July 2018 - 0mg

2017(?)-2020 - vyvanse/lisdexamfetamine 60-70mg    2020-2021 - 70mg down to 0mg  -->  July 2021 - 0mg

March-April 2021 - vortioxetine 5-10mg (approx. 7 weeks total; CT)  -->  April 28th, 2021 - 0mg

supplements: magnesium powder (dissolved in water) as needed throughout the day; 1 tsp fish oil w/ morning meal; 2mg melatonin 

August 1, 2022 - 1 mg melatonin

 

Courage is fear that has said its prayers.  - Karle Wilson Baker

love and justice are not two. without inner change, there can be no outer change; without collective change, no change matters.  - Rev. angel Kyodo williams

Holding multiple truths. Knowing that everyone has their own accurate view of the way things are.  - text on homemade banner at Afiya house

 

I am not a medical professional; this is not medical advice. 

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Grateful and relieved in this moment to be anonymous. Pained by feelings of shame and loneliness. 

1996-2018 - misc. polypharmacy, incl. SSRIs, SNRIs, neuroleptics, lithium, benzos, stimulants, antihistamines, etc. (approx. 30+ drugs)

2012-2018 - 10mg lexapro/escitalopram (20mg?)    Jan. 2018 - 10mg -> 5mg, then from 5mg -> 2.5mg, then 0mg  -->  July 2018 - 0mg

2017(?)-2020 - vyvanse/lisdexamfetamine 60-70mg    2020-2021 - 70mg down to 0mg  -->  July 2021 - 0mg

March-April 2021 - vortioxetine 5-10mg (approx. 7 weeks total; CT)  -->  April 28th, 2021 - 0mg

supplements: magnesium powder (dissolved in water) as needed throughout the day; 1 tsp fish oil w/ morning meal; 2mg melatonin 

August 1, 2022 - 1 mg melatonin

 

Courage is fear that has said its prayers.  - Karle Wilson Baker

love and justice are not two. without inner change, there can be no outer change; without collective change, no change matters.  - Rev. angel Kyodo williams

Holding multiple truths. Knowing that everyone has their own accurate view of the way things are.  - text on homemade banner at Afiya house

 

I am not a medical professional; this is not medical advice. 

Link to comment

Ugh. Going through some rough hours. 

I'm so tired of trying so hard to do a good job.

And I'm even more tired of feeling like I'm failing at it.  

I'm tired of every moment feeling like a decision, and feeling like that decision is decisive. That signaling of the stressed-out brain/nervous system that Everything Is Urgent And Important, Everything Is At Stake. I call bullsh*t. But physiologically that's the message. It's exhausting being in this position of arguing with/overriding/distinguishing between internal communications. The voice that says: We're so depressed, we're gonna be depressed forever.  The voice that says: Don't believe that other voice. We're not depressed, we're fine. Now get up and function.  Another voice that says: Ssshh... Ssshh... Just everyone please be quiet please, can someone make the room stop spinning? Everything is moving too fast.  And so many more voices chiming in, a cacophony of cognitive detritus. I don't know what is me and what is withdrawal. There's no way to know.  The voice says: This isn't withdrawal anymore, you can't blame it on some condition. This is just you, and apparently you suck.  All I can do is shrug my shoulders and say:  Maybe. It's possible that I do suck. I can't rule it out. But there's no way to definitively determine that in this moment. And anyway, what does that even mean? Define what it is to suck.  Sometimes that gives the voice something to chew on and shuts it up for a while, and I can catch my breath. It's true though. Absurdity is my escape hatch for when I find myself caught in the collective crosshairs of some neurochemical (mis)firing squad. The self-righteous judgments are endless and nonsensical, they collapse in on themselves like a frontline of sorry soufflés. (?! haha) 

I'm just so tired of poking at things to have them burst, tired of interrogating this or that narrative/narrator. I'd rather not engage. How do I not engage when the dissonance is deafening to the point of physical discomfort? It feels like an assault. How do I not work to disarm, how do I not go on the charm defensive, how do I not feel like I have to protect myself? 

A voice: Feel your feelings. Let go of your resistance. Surrender to whatever is moving through you in that moment, welcome it as your teacher, as your guide...

My voice: Go f*ck yourself. You feel my feelings, then. Maybe they will guide your head out of my a**

Whatever. 

What is exhausting is that feeling of pressure, that feeling of a kerjillion Problems being presented every second to the executive commander, who must continuously analyze and assess and calculate risk and strategize and chart the right course. I am not that commander. You've got the wrong number, thoughts. What do any of those questions and decisions have to do with me? All the voices insisting this is my job, dumping these files on my desk, when I don't even work there. I don't work here, either. I don't work anywhere. I don't work. Crap, I'm broken... ?

Sigh. 

It would be nice to wake up and just get out of bed -- or not -- without it feeling like some big choice to be made. The staggering, depleting weight of hundreds of weird, artificial choices throughout the day, so much noise in my head. Should I tackle/manage/approach/finesse/attack/embrace/process it this way or that way? I imagine a healthy, balanced system just flows, or at least some things are non-issues, where one can go about being and doing without further undue to-do. I don't know whether that's true, maybe it's a pipe dream. What's it like to be functional? Anyone, anyone?

What a strange, unpleasant experience to be suspended in this wind tunnel. The turbulence is fake but it's felt as real (or maybe it's real and I'm fake, haha) Who's to tell the difference? All those choices and decisions are illusions, air pockets to bump through. I possess no wisdom or power or knowledge or perspective. I have no f*cking clue. Truly. I'm just trying to get through. 

Sooner or later something's got to give. 

... right?

1996-2018 - misc. polypharmacy, incl. SSRIs, SNRIs, neuroleptics, lithium, benzos, stimulants, antihistamines, etc. (approx. 30+ drugs)

2012-2018 - 10mg lexapro/escitalopram (20mg?)    Jan. 2018 - 10mg -> 5mg, then from 5mg -> 2.5mg, then 0mg  -->  July 2018 - 0mg

2017(?)-2020 - vyvanse/lisdexamfetamine 60-70mg    2020-2021 - 70mg down to 0mg  -->  July 2021 - 0mg

March-April 2021 - vortioxetine 5-10mg (approx. 7 weeks total; CT)  -->  April 28th, 2021 - 0mg

supplements: magnesium powder (dissolved in water) as needed throughout the day; 1 tsp fish oil w/ morning meal; 2mg melatonin 

August 1, 2022 - 1 mg melatonin

 

Courage is fear that has said its prayers.  - Karle Wilson Baker

love and justice are not two. without inner change, there can be no outer change; without collective change, no change matters.  - Rev. angel Kyodo williams

Holding multiple truths. Knowing that everyone has their own accurate view of the way things are.  - text on homemade banner at Afiya house

 

I am not a medical professional; this is not medical advice. 

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I have been reading and re-reading this blog post:

https://raynesworld.blogspot.com/2007/07/how-i-deal-with-mental-breakdowns.html

 

which I found thanks to: 

https://beyondmeds.com/2009/01/25/how-i-deal-with-mental-breakdowns/

 

Thank you @GiaKfor your many brilliant and helpful contributions here and elsewhere. 

 

I love stuff like this because it inspires and validates and gives me hope. At the same time, sometimes I get it and sometimes I don't. Sometimes it feels abstract and distant and inaccessible. 

I greatly appreciate detailed descriptions of what it actually looks like in practice, in real life, to feel one's feelings and embrace the suck. I hereby solicit stories of people on their worst best unkempt behavior. 

How do you embrace whatever experience you are having in the moment? What does it feel like from the inside, what does it look like from the outside? What would the movie version be if your breakdown were a fully realized scene in your favorite film? What does it look like when you're not busy Being Brave and Handling Things Well? What does it look like to truly surrender and give yourself over to whatever it is you're dealing with in the moment?

 

My mind gets so confused about coping strategies vs. feeling your feelings, and is feeling your feelings itself a coping strategy, and what if I don't want to be good and cope? Today something in me is raging against all the right things and all the right ways and f*ck this merry-go-round. F*ck the accolades and being a model patient, a model child, demonstrating my maturity and performing competence (tend and befriend, etc.). I am unpatienting myself (from the internalized pathologizer in my mind) and it's gonna get ugly. 

I love what Jayme writes about experiencing depression:

I don't try to distract myself from it the way everyone advises me to do. I hear things like "Take a walk, call a friend, go out with friends, exercise, do anything except feel the depression, you are only dwelling on it and it will make things worse, and for godssake don't isolate!" I used to feel so guilty for not being able to follow their advice. Not anymore! I will dwell on my depression. I will isolate. I will remove myself from all of society and I will treat myself to whatever my heart desires. That usually means isolating and wallowing in depression and crying my heart out for no reason. There is movement in crying! There is healing.

 

Amen. 

 

1996-2018 - misc. polypharmacy, incl. SSRIs, SNRIs, neuroleptics, lithium, benzos, stimulants, antihistamines, etc. (approx. 30+ drugs)

2012-2018 - 10mg lexapro/escitalopram (20mg?)    Jan. 2018 - 10mg -> 5mg, then from 5mg -> 2.5mg, then 0mg  -->  July 2018 - 0mg

2017(?)-2020 - vyvanse/lisdexamfetamine 60-70mg    2020-2021 - 70mg down to 0mg  -->  July 2021 - 0mg

March-April 2021 - vortioxetine 5-10mg (approx. 7 weeks total; CT)  -->  April 28th, 2021 - 0mg

supplements: magnesium powder (dissolved in water) as needed throughout the day; 1 tsp fish oil w/ morning meal; 2mg melatonin 

August 1, 2022 - 1 mg melatonin

 

Courage is fear that has said its prayers.  - Karle Wilson Baker

love and justice are not two. without inner change, there can be no outer change; without collective change, no change matters.  - Rev. angel Kyodo williams

Holding multiple truths. Knowing that everyone has their own accurate view of the way things are.  - text on homemade banner at Afiya house

 

I am not a medical professional; this is not medical advice. 

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10 minutes ago, Ariel said:

It would be nice to wake up and just get out of bed -- or not -- without it feeling like some big choice to be made. The staggering, depleting weight of hundreds of weird, artificial choices throughout the day, so much noise in my head. Should I tackle/manage/approach/finesse/attack/embrace/process it this way or that way? I imagine a healthy, balanced system just flows, or at least some things are non-issues, where one can go about being and doing without further undue to-do. I don't know whether that's true, maybe it's a pipe dream. What's it like to be functional? Anyone, anyone?

Oh yes @Ariel. This!!!

 

I liken it to learning to drive a car. When you first learn you have to think, weigh up and decide on every small action and then execute it. And it's exhausting.  But, at some point you do these thing automatically without even thinking. 

 

Are you able to try and let go of some of the things adding to the pressure?   I am working on the notion that anything I do has to be 'good enough' at the moment until I can change gear and look in my mirrors without it being a huge ordeal.  I don't know when that will be, but I'm hanging in there because I've been there before, so i know it's possible.

 

Sending you love and light x

 

Sertraline (Lustral):  2014. Sept 50mg. Oct 100mg. Dec 150mg. 2015-2019. 150mg. 2019  Apr-May 0mg. Beg May 150mg. End May 100mg. Late June 125mg. Late Aug 100mg. 2020 Jan 75mg. April 50mg.

2022  50mg. 1Jan 45mg. 1Feb 40.5mg. Water T24Feb 39.5mg. 3Mar 38.5mg. 18Mar 38mg. 25Mar 37.5mg. 22Apr 37mg. 5May 36.5mg. 18May 36mg. 1Jun 35.3mg. 15Jun 34.5mg.  30Jun 34mg. 15Jul 33.5mg. 22Jul 33mg. 5Aug 32.5mg. 19Aug 32mg. 1Sept 31.5mg. 1Oct 31mg.  27 Oct 30.5. 16 Nov 30mg. 30 Nov 29.5mg. 14 Dec 29mg

2023. 2 Jan 28.5mg. 6 Feb 28mg. 10 Mar 27.5mg. 1 Apr 26.5mg. 1 May 26mg. 1 Jun 25.5mg. 1 Jul 25mg. 1 Aug 24.5mg. 17 Aug 24mg. 5 Sept 23.5mg. 9 Oct 23mg.

 

Desogestrel:  2014 -  present:  

Supplements Magnesium. 400mcg  Vitamin D. 10mcg.  Multivit/min. 1 tab. B Complex

 

Certirizine:   2022 May 10mg. Dec 20mg. 2023. 15mg.

 Omeprazole.:  2016 20mg. 2022  20mg.  15Jan 15mg. 9Feb 10mg. 25Feb 6.5mg. 15Mar 3mg. 3Apr 1.5mg.  15Apr 0mg   2023. 20mg. 15 Sept 15mg.

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@Blossom71 Thank you for the love and light, friend. 

I don't have a driver's license... ;-) 

How are you faring? 

1996-2018 - misc. polypharmacy, incl. SSRIs, SNRIs, neuroleptics, lithium, benzos, stimulants, antihistamines, etc. (approx. 30+ drugs)

2012-2018 - 10mg lexapro/escitalopram (20mg?)    Jan. 2018 - 10mg -> 5mg, then from 5mg -> 2.5mg, then 0mg  -->  July 2018 - 0mg

2017(?)-2020 - vyvanse/lisdexamfetamine 60-70mg    2020-2021 - 70mg down to 0mg  -->  July 2021 - 0mg

March-April 2021 - vortioxetine 5-10mg (approx. 7 weeks total; CT)  -->  April 28th, 2021 - 0mg

supplements: magnesium powder (dissolved in water) as needed throughout the day; 1 tsp fish oil w/ morning meal; 2mg melatonin 

August 1, 2022 - 1 mg melatonin

 

Courage is fear that has said its prayers.  - Karle Wilson Baker

love and justice are not two. without inner change, there can be no outer change; without collective change, no change matters.  - Rev. angel Kyodo williams

Holding multiple truths. Knowing that everyone has their own accurate view of the way things are.  - text on homemade banner at Afiya house

 

I am not a medical professional; this is not medical advice. 

Link to comment

my thoughts are garbage

GARBAGE

 

1996-2018 - misc. polypharmacy, incl. SSRIs, SNRIs, neuroleptics, lithium, benzos, stimulants, antihistamines, etc. (approx. 30+ drugs)

2012-2018 - 10mg lexapro/escitalopram (20mg?)    Jan. 2018 - 10mg -> 5mg, then from 5mg -> 2.5mg, then 0mg  -->  July 2018 - 0mg

2017(?)-2020 - vyvanse/lisdexamfetamine 60-70mg    2020-2021 - 70mg down to 0mg  -->  July 2021 - 0mg

March-April 2021 - vortioxetine 5-10mg (approx. 7 weeks total; CT)  -->  April 28th, 2021 - 0mg

supplements: magnesium powder (dissolved in water) as needed throughout the day; 1 tsp fish oil w/ morning meal; 2mg melatonin 

August 1, 2022 - 1 mg melatonin

 

Courage is fear that has said its prayers.  - Karle Wilson Baker

love and justice are not two. without inner change, there can be no outer change; without collective change, no change matters.  - Rev. angel Kyodo williams

Holding multiple truths. Knowing that everyone has their own accurate view of the way things are.  - text on homemade banner at Afiya house

 

I am not a medical professional; this is not medical advice. 

Link to comment

Thanks for asking @Ariel

I'm brightening up ever so slightly and feeling ever so slightly more positive about life. The internal buzzing seems to have gone, the cog fog has improved so I'm coping a bit better with processing information.   Still want to run away and hole myself up in a hut in Bali all by myself, but as that's not going to happen I'm finding ways to make it through the day and feel a bit more positive at the end of it.   But it's hard work at the moment 😬

 

22 minutes ago, Ariel said:

I don't try to distract myself from it the way everyone advises me to do. I hear things like "Take a walk, call a friend, go out with friends, exercise, do anything except feel the depression, you are only dwelling on it and it will make things worse, and for godssake don't isolate!" I used to feel so guilty for not being able to follow their advice. Not anymore! I will dwell on my depression. I will isolate. I will remove myself from all of society and I will treat myself to whatever my heart desires. That usually means isolating and wallowing in depression and crying my heart out for no reason. There is movement in crying! There is healing.

 

I totally agree with this. I think it's only by feeling the feelings can we process them and start to move on.  I believe I'm in this mess now because I've spent my life ignoring and distracting myself from the hard feelings, then the meds blunted them.   As well as the WDs I'm also starting to process some of the stuff that has been ignored for so long - so a double whammy!

 

My biggest coping strategy is something that allows me the time and space to feel all the feelings without any distractions.  For me that is a walk (on my own), a walk through the cemetery where I can cry to my hearts content without anyone batting an eyelid or holing myself up in my bedroom for a while.   Sometimes I need a distraction - when the negative  ruminating thoughts come (usually around things where people haven't treated me well) and I need to try and ignore before they get out of hand.  But i see 'distraction' and 'coping strategies' as 2 different things and are used at very different times.   Maybe they're actually the same thing, but used in different circumstances.

Sertraline (Lustral):  2014. Sept 50mg. Oct 100mg. Dec 150mg. 2015-2019. 150mg. 2019  Apr-May 0mg. Beg May 150mg. End May 100mg. Late June 125mg. Late Aug 100mg. 2020 Jan 75mg. April 50mg.

2022  50mg. 1Jan 45mg. 1Feb 40.5mg. Water T24Feb 39.5mg. 3Mar 38.5mg. 18Mar 38mg. 25Mar 37.5mg. 22Apr 37mg. 5May 36.5mg. 18May 36mg. 1Jun 35.3mg. 15Jun 34.5mg.  30Jun 34mg. 15Jul 33.5mg. 22Jul 33mg. 5Aug 32.5mg. 19Aug 32mg. 1Sept 31.5mg. 1Oct 31mg.  27 Oct 30.5. 16 Nov 30mg. 30 Nov 29.5mg. 14 Dec 29mg

2023. 2 Jan 28.5mg. 6 Feb 28mg. 10 Mar 27.5mg. 1 Apr 26.5mg. 1 May 26mg. 1 Jun 25.5mg. 1 Jul 25mg. 1 Aug 24.5mg. 17 Aug 24mg. 5 Sept 23.5mg. 9 Oct 23mg.

 

Desogestrel:  2014 -  present:  

Supplements Magnesium. 400mcg  Vitamin D. 10mcg.  Multivit/min. 1 tab. B Complex

 

Certirizine:   2022 May 10mg. Dec 20mg. 2023. 15mg.

 Omeprazole.:  2016 20mg. 2022  20mg.  15Jan 15mg. 9Feb 10mg. 25Feb 6.5mg. 15Mar 3mg. 3Apr 1.5mg.  15Apr 0mg   2023. 20mg. 15 Sept 15mg.

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Sometimes in withdrawal I think about this lyric from ani difranco's song "little plastic castle":

they say goldfish got no memory
i guess their lives are much like mine
the little plastic castle
is a surprise every time

 

That's how it feels sometimes, like I keep remembering and forgetting and remembering and forgetting, over and over again in an endless loop. Continuously learning and re-learning what I know. 

 

 

1996-2018 - misc. polypharmacy, incl. SSRIs, SNRIs, neuroleptics, lithium, benzos, stimulants, antihistamines, etc. (approx. 30+ drugs)

2012-2018 - 10mg lexapro/escitalopram (20mg?)    Jan. 2018 - 10mg -> 5mg, then from 5mg -> 2.5mg, then 0mg  -->  July 2018 - 0mg

2017(?)-2020 - vyvanse/lisdexamfetamine 60-70mg    2020-2021 - 70mg down to 0mg  -->  July 2021 - 0mg

March-April 2021 - vortioxetine 5-10mg (approx. 7 weeks total; CT)  -->  April 28th, 2021 - 0mg

supplements: magnesium powder (dissolved in water) as needed throughout the day; 1 tsp fish oil w/ morning meal; 2mg melatonin 

August 1, 2022 - 1 mg melatonin

 

Courage is fear that has said its prayers.  - Karle Wilson Baker

love and justice are not two. without inner change, there can be no outer change; without collective change, no change matters.  - Rev. angel Kyodo williams

Holding multiple truths. Knowing that everyone has their own accurate view of the way things are.  - text on homemade banner at Afiya house

 

I am not a medical professional; this is not medical advice. 

Link to comment
  • Mentor
5 hours ago, Ariel said:

Sooner or later something's got to give. 

... right?

yes it does and yes it will.

speaking from the other side and having gone thru exactly what you've so eloquently described, it does end and it does get better

 

More about this later, I've got some stuff to take care of but I will be back to respond to this thread as well as you've very kind reply to my thread about the issues with my landlord.

 

hang in there.

try hard to listen to the positive voice, even if it's speaking very softly, it knows the right way to go.

 

even if it feels fake, trust the voice that says, this too shall pass- because it WILL

 

gentle hugs

 

 

  • pysch med history: 1974 @ age 18 to Oct 2017 (approx 43 yrs total) 
  •  Drug list: stelazine, haldol, elavil, lithium, zoloft, celexa, lexapro(doses as high as 40mgs), klonopin, ambien, seroquel(high doses), depakote, zyprexa, lamictal- plus brief trials of dozens of other psych meds over the years
  • started lexapro 2002, dose varied from 20mgs to 40mgs. First attempt to get off it was 2007- WD symptoms were mistaken for "relapse". 
  •  2013 too fast taper down to 5mg but WD forced me back to 20mgs
  •  June of 2105, tapered again too rapidly to 2.5mgs by Dec 2015. Found SA, held at 2.5 mgs til May 2016 when I foolishly "jumped off". felt ok until  Sept, then acute WD hit!!  reinstated at 0.3mgs in Oct. 2106
  • Tapered off to zero by  Oct. 2017 Doing very well. 
  • Nov. 2018 feel 95% healed, age 63 
  • Jan. 2020 feel 100% healed, peaceful and content
  • Dec 2023 Loving life! ❤️ with all it's ups and downs ;) 
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Oh @Happy2Heal thank you so much for this. Your kindness brings tears to my eyes. I trust you. 

1996-2018 - misc. polypharmacy, incl. SSRIs, SNRIs, neuroleptics, lithium, benzos, stimulants, antihistamines, etc. (approx. 30+ drugs)

2012-2018 - 10mg lexapro/escitalopram (20mg?)    Jan. 2018 - 10mg -> 5mg, then from 5mg -> 2.5mg, then 0mg  -->  July 2018 - 0mg

2017(?)-2020 - vyvanse/lisdexamfetamine 60-70mg    2020-2021 - 70mg down to 0mg  -->  July 2021 - 0mg

March-April 2021 - vortioxetine 5-10mg (approx. 7 weeks total; CT)  -->  April 28th, 2021 - 0mg

supplements: magnesium powder (dissolved in water) as needed throughout the day; 1 tsp fish oil w/ morning meal; 2mg melatonin 

August 1, 2022 - 1 mg melatonin

 

Courage is fear that has said its prayers.  - Karle Wilson Baker

love and justice are not two. without inner change, there can be no outer change; without collective change, no change matters.  - Rev. angel Kyodo williams

Holding multiple truths. Knowing that everyone has their own accurate view of the way things are.  - text on homemade banner at Afiya house

 

I am not a medical professional; this is not medical advice. 

Link to comment
  • Mentor
6 hours ago, Ariel said:

That usually means isolating and wallowing in depression and crying my heart out for no reason. There is movement in crying! There is healing.

this is absolutely true

 

as long as you don't believe the things that depression can sometimes tell you (I'm worthless, I don't deserve a good life or even a life at all, etc) and just keep remembering this is a temporary state, like ALL emotional states,

it's perfectly acceptable and even often quite helpful to WALLOW in the depression

 

I had a lot of good luck doing this. I would sometimes play a game with myself and take all my depressed thoughts to the extreme, being really melodramatic with them, and they would suddenly start to sound absurd, even funny.

 

there are many ways out of the dark, not a single path

 

but I feel confident you will find your way.

you def deserve to, you are trying so hard.

 

 

 

  • pysch med history: 1974 @ age 18 to Oct 2017 (approx 43 yrs total) 
  •  Drug list: stelazine, haldol, elavil, lithium, zoloft, celexa, lexapro(doses as high as 40mgs), klonopin, ambien, seroquel(high doses), depakote, zyprexa, lamictal- plus brief trials of dozens of other psych meds over the years
  • started lexapro 2002, dose varied from 20mgs to 40mgs. First attempt to get off it was 2007- WD symptoms were mistaken for "relapse". 
  •  2013 too fast taper down to 5mg but WD forced me back to 20mgs
  •  June of 2105, tapered again too rapidly to 2.5mgs by Dec 2015. Found SA, held at 2.5 mgs til May 2016 when I foolishly "jumped off". felt ok until  Sept, then acute WD hit!!  reinstated at 0.3mgs in Oct. 2106
  • Tapered off to zero by  Oct. 2017 Doing very well. 
  • Nov. 2018 feel 95% healed, age 63 
  • Jan. 2020 feel 100% healed, peaceful and content
  • Dec 2023 Loving life! ❤️ with all it's ups and downs ;) 
Link to comment
44 minutes ago, Happy2Heal said:

hang in there.

try hard to listen to the positive voice, even if it's speaking very softly, it knows the right way to go.

 

even if it feels fake, trust the voice that says, this too shall pass- because it WILL

 

I just love this 🥰

Sertraline (Lustral):  2014. Sept 50mg. Oct 100mg. Dec 150mg. 2015-2019. 150mg. 2019  Apr-May 0mg. Beg May 150mg. End May 100mg. Late June 125mg. Late Aug 100mg. 2020 Jan 75mg. April 50mg.

2022  50mg. 1Jan 45mg. 1Feb 40.5mg. Water T24Feb 39.5mg. 3Mar 38.5mg. 18Mar 38mg. 25Mar 37.5mg. 22Apr 37mg. 5May 36.5mg. 18May 36mg. 1Jun 35.3mg. 15Jun 34.5mg.  30Jun 34mg. 15Jul 33.5mg. 22Jul 33mg. 5Aug 32.5mg. 19Aug 32mg. 1Sept 31.5mg. 1Oct 31mg.  27 Oct 30.5. 16 Nov 30mg. 30 Nov 29.5mg. 14 Dec 29mg

2023. 2 Jan 28.5mg. 6 Feb 28mg. 10 Mar 27.5mg. 1 Apr 26.5mg. 1 May 26mg. 1 Jun 25.5mg. 1 Jul 25mg. 1 Aug 24.5mg. 17 Aug 24mg. 5 Sept 23.5mg. 9 Oct 23mg.

 

Desogestrel:  2014 -  present:  

Supplements Magnesium. 400mcg  Vitamin D. 10mcg.  Multivit/min. 1 tab. B Complex

 

Certirizine:   2022 May 10mg. Dec 20mg. 2023. 15mg.

 Omeprazole.:  2016 20mg. 2022  20mg.  15Jan 15mg. 9Feb 10mg. 25Feb 6.5mg. 15Mar 3mg. 3Apr 1.5mg.  15Apr 0mg   2023. 20mg. 15 Sept 15mg.

Link to comment

Sometimes being messy is healing. Sometimes you need to just let it all out and be your own sorry souffle.

 

Of course, there is always good and space in trying to soothe ourselves and cope with dark thoughts through acceptance/distraction/cbt etc. And maybe most of the time that is better. 

 

But I just had a VERY dark wave in which I felt that hopeless crushing cloud, that pure despair, and sobbed hysterically face down on my bathroom tiles and said all my worst thoughts and wishes and stomped back and forth like a child about how i want to be better and I want to be healed and I am tired and will never be better. I threw a terrible, toddlery tantrum. All in front of my partner, who I tried to break up with so he would no longer have to see me like this. 

 

And you know what? The cloud lifted, just a little and I could breathe, and read your talking your thoughts post aloud, and laugh a little after and feel safe and understood. 

 

How is that for unkempt behaviour?

2013-2016 Setraline, Desvenfalaxine, Lexapro & Fluoxetine. CTd. 

Aug 2016 RI- Lex 40mg, Zyban 150mg. 

Feb 2017 - Lex 20mg, 150mg Zyban. 

July 2017 10mg Lex Zyban 150mg. 

2020-2021 CT Zyban. Lex taper to 5mg 1xday, then every othr day, then 1-2x a week. 

Early 2022- Lexapro 2.5mg 1-2 a week. 

17/Mar Crash & CT

RI Lex 0.25mg 16 Apr. | 0.35 23rd Apr. | 0.5 1 May. |0.75 17 May

Temazepam 5mg 17|4, 10mg 19|4, 10mg 20|4

Valacyclovir 31|05,1|06

Other: Melatonin 1mg at night. Occasional single Panadol or Ibuprofen. 1 decaf 25|05

Link to comment

utterly ungroomed, @TentacleFinn !  higgledy-piggledy, topsy-turvy, and super sloppy! 

in other words, all in perfect order <3

 

i'm proud of you, i admire you, i feel inspired. thank you for sharing this. 

terrible, toddlery tantrums for the win!

1996-2018 - misc. polypharmacy, incl. SSRIs, SNRIs, neuroleptics, lithium, benzos, stimulants, antihistamines, etc. (approx. 30+ drugs)

2012-2018 - 10mg lexapro/escitalopram (20mg?)    Jan. 2018 - 10mg -> 5mg, then from 5mg -> 2.5mg, then 0mg  -->  July 2018 - 0mg

2017(?)-2020 - vyvanse/lisdexamfetamine 60-70mg    2020-2021 - 70mg down to 0mg  -->  July 2021 - 0mg

March-April 2021 - vortioxetine 5-10mg (approx. 7 weeks total; CT)  -->  April 28th, 2021 - 0mg

supplements: magnesium powder (dissolved in water) as needed throughout the day; 1 tsp fish oil w/ morning meal; 2mg melatonin 

August 1, 2022 - 1 mg melatonin

 

Courage is fear that has said its prayers.  - Karle Wilson Baker

love and justice are not two. without inner change, there can be no outer change; without collective change, no change matters.  - Rev. angel Kyodo williams

Holding multiple truths. Knowing that everyone has their own accurate view of the way things are.  - text on homemade banner at Afiya house

 

I am not a medical professional; this is not medical advice. 

Link to comment
  • Shep changed the title to Ariel: Protracted withdrawal and PAWS

I am shaking... crying... happy tremors... I just got off the phone with my former psychiatrist, the one under whose supervision I tapered off escitalopram back in 2018 (fast taper, tantamount to CT). I called to tell her that I am suffering from protracted withdrawal syndrome. I said something along the lines of: I want to let you know that I'm experiencing this, and I'd like to send you some information about it if you're interested. I didn't have her email address, so I asked whether i might have it so as to send links and papers. It was a short call, but I also managed to summarize the following points: a) withdrawal syndrome is real, and serious; b) the drugs cause dependence; c) recovery time varies from person to person, and can take up to 10+ years; d) it's essential to taper extremely slowly, at an exponential rate of max. 5-10% of previous dose or slower, and customize/adjust tapering plans to allow for symptom monitoring and stabilization between cuts; e) the latter often necessitates proactive, homemade ways of formulating lower doses. Phew. I can't believe I managed to get all that out! While I was speaking I started shaking all over and the words just poured out, as though in an adrenaline rush. I think I also mentioned a few things about people's drug histories possibly having an impact, presented the concept of kindling and hypersensitization, emphasized how much remains unknown and that the science is sorely needed, and that there are some good papers and studies appearing based on thousands of case studies as well as select doctors' experience(s), incl. tapering strips in Holland, etc. And again, that I'd be happy to share these if I could please have the email address. 

And guess what? The psychiatrist was receptive. My phone record indicates the call lasted all of 8 minutes (!), and in that time the psychiatrist mostly listened, and also provided their email address and agreed to receive more information. I did not detect any particular defensiveness, nor did I pick up on any greater concern or surprise, the tone was pretty straightforward and matter-of-fact, no identifiable reaction (much as I remember this psychiatrist to be in person). There was no indication that they didn't believe me, and I felt that I was taken seriously.  

All in all it was -- to me -- a great success!! And even if they never open my email or read any of the materials, at least I will have delivered many of the most important points over the phone. 

 

 

1996-2018 - misc. polypharmacy, incl. SSRIs, SNRIs, neuroleptics, lithium, benzos, stimulants, antihistamines, etc. (approx. 30+ drugs)

2012-2018 - 10mg lexapro/escitalopram (20mg?)    Jan. 2018 - 10mg -> 5mg, then from 5mg -> 2.5mg, then 0mg  -->  July 2018 - 0mg

2017(?)-2020 - vyvanse/lisdexamfetamine 60-70mg    2020-2021 - 70mg down to 0mg  -->  July 2021 - 0mg

March-April 2021 - vortioxetine 5-10mg (approx. 7 weeks total; CT)  -->  April 28th, 2021 - 0mg

supplements: magnesium powder (dissolved in water) as needed throughout the day; 1 tsp fish oil w/ morning meal; 2mg melatonin 

August 1, 2022 - 1 mg melatonin

 

Courage is fear that has said its prayers.  - Karle Wilson Baker

love and justice are not two. without inner change, there can be no outer change; without collective change, no change matters.  - Rev. angel Kyodo williams

Holding multiple truths. Knowing that everyone has their own accurate view of the way things are.  - text on homemade banner at Afiya house

 

I am not a medical professional; this is not medical advice. 

Link to comment

Earlier today I posted something in a help topic: https://www.survivingantidepressants.org/topic/19146-template-letter-of-evidence-to-doctorspsychiatrists-feel-free-to-use/page/2/

 

I'm not sure whether it's correct to post it there as opposed to in my thread, so I will paste it here as well. If it's an issue for the text to appear both places, I imagine it will get consolidated at some point. To the mod/admin crew, if this is a problem, apologies in advance. 

 

*

 

What I share below is the content of an email written and sent to my former therapist. It is something I wanted to do ever since learning about withdrawal syndrome and PAWS. For a long time it felt like a daunting task, and somehow it still feels that way. I wanted the text to be perfect: clear, complete, effective, undeniable, cataclysmic, catalytic. I have accepted that I cannot articulate the issue ideally. That attachment to perfection reveals a profound hunger for change to occur and this collective, global problem to be fixed. If only I had the magic word to unlock the ultimate paradigm shift and heal the world! Of course this is a fantasy. Any individual communication, including this one, is a drop in the ocean and can only ever be so, regardless of the singular successes or failures of its formulation. Moreover, and perhaps most importantly, I have no control over its reception. But for me in healing process it was a big deal to express myself, however imperfectly, and speak out about my experience to a relevant third party. That is worthy in and of itself. Every droplet in the ocean contains the ocean. The rest is a matter of magnitude, volume, amplitude, time, oscillations -- ripples. 

 

*

 

Hi ____ ,
How are you? I hope this finds you well. 
 
I am writing to let you know that I'm going through protracted antidepressant withdrawal syndrome (PAWS) after coming off of escitalopram (lexapro) in 2018. It's a debilitating, chronic iatrogenic illness that is not yet officially acknowledged by the pharmaceutical industry nor the medical/psychiatric community. It took me many years of suffering and desperate research on my own to finally get to the bottom of what on earth was going on with me. It has been baffling, terrifying, and a complete nightmare. When I last wrote to you in February 2021, I did not yet know that I was suffering from PAWS. A few months later I stumbled upon the online peer support site, https://www.survivingantidepressants.org, and realized I was not alone in what I was going through. 
 
I wonder whether you are aware of withdrawal syndrome, protracted withdrawal syndrome, post-acute withdrawal syndrome, etc. This iatrogenic condition can occur upon tapering/cessation of antidepressants, and can also occur in cases of tapering/cessation of other psychiatric medications. I tapered off of antidepressants under the supervision of a psychiatrist, and have since learned that the taper was conducted wrong, which caused me harm. I do not doubt that the psychiatrist had the best intentions; they were, however, like the majority of the medical community, woefully, tragically ignorant as to how to properly taper off of psychopharmacological medication so as to minimize risk. It's not possible to avoid with any certainty an outcome of developing withdrawal syndrome (the only sure thing is abstinence -- never taking psychiatric drugs in the first place), but there are steps that can be taken to reduce harm. Needless to say, none of those steps were taken by my doctors at any time.  
 
In the interest of public service, I am sending a link to a recent Nation article about this, as well as attaching a scientific paper (please see below). If you would like to know more, I'd be happy to connect about my story, share what I've learned, and send links to further resources. (This email is, despite its length, the short version.) 
 
It's vital that mental health care professionals, as well as and including their various prescriber colleagues, educate themselves on this issue. It's the only way they will be able to responsibly inform patients/clients of the potential serious risks associated with taking psychiatric medication, so that patients may provide informed consent. In my case, I was first medicated when I was a minor, at an in-patient psychiatric hospital; at the time, I received a chronic diagnosis and was told I'd have to remain on medication for the rest of my life. I cannot adequately express my grief around this turn of events, and how it started me down a more than 25-year long path of psychiatric patienthood (incl. up to a dozen different diagnoses over the years) and being poly-drugged (with a total of dozens of different medications altogether, incl. every class of drug) -- my entire adult life to date. Unacceptably, my story is far from unique. As I write this I am overcome with sorrow over the lost years, mine and those of millions of others across the world. I rue the day I had my first psychiatric encounter and took my first dose of psychoactive medication. Now that I am no longer drugged, I am just beginning to reckon with the profound existential ramifications and tragic loss this whole experience entails. 
 
I cannot stress enough how devastatingly serious this iatrogenic illness can be. I'm currently in my fifth year of illness and am functionally disabled, basically bedridden and housebound. It's been years since I've been able to hold gainful employment, and since withdrawal syndrome is not recognized by the authorities, I do not qualify for disability. On a daily basis I suffer a wide variety of physical and mental symptoms, ranging from the profoundly uncomfortable to unimaginably horrific. The experience of recovering from psychiatric medications is exponentially worse than any condition I have ever, ever had to contend with leading to my being put on these drugs in the first place -- and I trust you know that's saying something.  
 
I hope you know that I hold you in the highest regard. I am so grateful for the time we worked together and how much you helped me through those years. I know you to be a caring, compassionate, consummate professional. This is why I'm reaching out to you today to share with you about my experience and, most importantly, to sound the alarm. You are not (as far as I know) a prescriber, but I am guessing you still work with a population who is either already taking these drugs or vulnerable to being medicated in the future. Whether or not to take psychopharmacological medication is not a trivial choice, and it is all too often treated lightly, with a cavalier attitude, as if these were standard-issue vitamin pills. The truth is that ingesting psychiatric drugs can have far-reaching, unpredictable, complex consequences that are beyond the scope of any known proactive restorative treatment, cure or reversal once things go awfully wrong. These drugs affect the entirety of one's whole body systems, from their broadest to subtlest functioning. Once withdrawal syndrome sets in, there's nothing to be done beyond possibly, to a limited extent, implementing some rudimentary symptom management; primarily, though, it's a matter of waiting for the brain and nervous system to heal themselves, which can take anywhere from years to upwards of a decade. It's brutal. 
 
Thank you for listening, and please spread the word. 
All my best to you,
____
 
*
 
Note: the scientific paper I refer to attaching is co-authored by Altostrata and available here: https://pubmed.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/33489088/

 

 

1996-2018 - misc. polypharmacy, incl. SSRIs, SNRIs, neuroleptics, lithium, benzos, stimulants, antihistamines, etc. (approx. 30+ drugs)

2012-2018 - 10mg lexapro/escitalopram (20mg?)    Jan. 2018 - 10mg -> 5mg, then from 5mg -> 2.5mg, then 0mg  -->  July 2018 - 0mg

2017(?)-2020 - vyvanse/lisdexamfetamine 60-70mg    2020-2021 - 70mg down to 0mg  -->  July 2021 - 0mg

March-April 2021 - vortioxetine 5-10mg (approx. 7 weeks total; CT)  -->  April 28th, 2021 - 0mg

supplements: magnesium powder (dissolved in water) as needed throughout the day; 1 tsp fish oil w/ morning meal; 2mg melatonin 

August 1, 2022 - 1 mg melatonin

 

Courage is fear that has said its prayers.  - Karle Wilson Baker

love and justice are not two. without inner change, there can be no outer change; without collective change, no change matters.  - Rev. angel Kyodo williams

Holding multiple truths. Knowing that everyone has their own accurate view of the way things are.  - text on homemade banner at Afiya house

 

I am not a medical professional; this is not medical advice. 

Link to comment

WOW @ariel

Mostly Fluoxetine since 1990/91 - February 2021, at varying dosages, however mainly 20mg.

?2016-17 was on Effexor for a short while before being swapped back to Fluoxetine.

I also recall being on other AD in the 1990's - citalopram/seroxat, always ended up back with Fluoxetine

Fluoxetine 20mg stopped 23rd Feb 2021 cold turkey

Fluoxetine liquid 1mg reinstated 24th May 2021

Other: omega 3 fish oil, 300mg magnesium, Vit D 2000 IU, cerazette, fybogel

Link to comment

Nice job Ariel.

 

It was fortunate that she listened and hopefully takes to some sort of action.

- Diagnosed with MDD and PDD at 35 // Celexa (20 yrs), last 8-10 yrs. was at 80 mg

- Tolerance (SSRI poop out) Aug. 2017

- Aug 2017 - May 2018 (Poly drugged: Cymbalta 20 mg, Proxac 40 mg, Lexapro 40 mg, Trintellex 20mg, Trazadone 150, Klonopin 1.5)

- Dec. 2017 - Jan 2018 Cold Turkey (1.5 months) - Tried Ketamine Infusions

- Zero quality of life for 5 months after Ketamine

- Started slow taper of all meds - May 2018

- Off all meds (Aug. 2018)

- Zero quality of life for 4 months - three months after final taper

- Treated by Psychiatrist, 2 Func. Med. Doc., 2 Nutritionist, 1 Specialist for hard to treat cases, 1 tapering org, 2 counselors

- Diagnosed with high free copper levels - Took over 1.5 yrs to get under control.  Noticed some but minimal change.

- Numerous supplements - made symptoms worse or did nothing. Current: 250 zinc, 600 mg NAC, Mag 800 mg, Mang, Selin. Moly

- Have had over 75 symptoms.  Most have abated.  Still suffer with severe insomnia and daily depression or anxiety

Link to comment
  • Mentor

Hi Ariel, I’m sorry you had such a bad day yesterday. Are you feeling any different today? Well done for calling your psychiatrist, that really is great news that they listened to you. You sowed a seed ☺️

am not a medical professional. I provide information and make suggestions based on my own experience and SA guidelines. I am unable to respond to private messages. 

Mirtazepine 15mg Nov 2018 -April 2019  April - Sept 2019 Mirtazepine down to around 6mg - skipping days to taper

October 2019 - Dec 2019 unwell from failed taper including jumping about in doses 

15 December 2019 to 13 June 2021 15mg Mirtazepine 

14 June 2021 started brass monkey Slide.  
2021: 23 August 12.3mg, 28 October 11.1mg, 6 Dec 10mg

2022: 12 Feb 8.5, 25 Oct 4.5mg

2023: 16 Jan 3.6mg, 28 Sept 1.8mg

Link to comment

Thank you, @Faure Yes, today has been better. I showered, got out of the house, took care of a few errands. It was so good to have something to do. 

How are you?

 

Would you like to pitch in with some thoughts about something? No pressure, just if you want. In the next few days I'll be putting together that email for my former psychiatrist. I want to send some papers and a few links to press articles. I've got a vague idea of what I'd like to include (maybe I'll update with examples tomorrow or this weekend), and am open to suggestions. It seems to me that it's important not to send too much information all at once, and at the same time I'd like to prioritize sending the most important items in case I never hear back. Do you happen to have any favorite educational/scientific resources you rely on to share withdrawal-related info? Any particular materials? 

Anyone else feel free to chime in as well. 

1996-2018 - misc. polypharmacy, incl. SSRIs, SNRIs, neuroleptics, lithium, benzos, stimulants, antihistamines, etc. (approx. 30+ drugs)

2012-2018 - 10mg lexapro/escitalopram (20mg?)    Jan. 2018 - 10mg -> 5mg, then from 5mg -> 2.5mg, then 0mg  -->  July 2018 - 0mg

2017(?)-2020 - vyvanse/lisdexamfetamine 60-70mg    2020-2021 - 70mg down to 0mg  -->  July 2021 - 0mg

March-April 2021 - vortioxetine 5-10mg (approx. 7 weeks total; CT)  -->  April 28th, 2021 - 0mg

supplements: magnesium powder (dissolved in water) as needed throughout the day; 1 tsp fish oil w/ morning meal; 2mg melatonin 

August 1, 2022 - 1 mg melatonin

 

Courage is fear that has said its prayers.  - Karle Wilson Baker

love and justice are not two. without inner change, there can be no outer change; without collective change, no change matters.  - Rev. angel Kyodo williams

Holding multiple truths. Knowing that everyone has their own accurate view of the way things are.  - text on homemade banner at Afiya house

 

I am not a medical professional; this is not medical advice. 

Link to comment
  • Mentor

Glad you’re feeling better. I hope it lasts for you. I know what an achievement having a shower can be at times☺️
 

I’m afraid I don’t have time to get involved with what you’ve suggested. It sounds like a great idea but I’m working part time and need to spend a lot of time resting.  Have you seen this website?  Also are you aware that in the UK The Royal College of Psychiatrists now suggests a 10% taper, especially if you’ve had WD effects before. I would tell my GP about the 2nd website if they challenged my taper. Sadly the GP who signed off on it left the practice and I’m trying to keep clear of doctors as long as I can. 
 

I have seen somewhere on this website not to share press articles with medical professionals, it’s better to stick with academic papers. They do like to say they are evidence based, even when ignoring evidence (in patients in WD) that is right under their nose. 
 

Good luck with your letter  ☺️

am not a medical professional. I provide information and make suggestions based on my own experience and SA guidelines. I am unable to respond to private messages. 

Mirtazepine 15mg Nov 2018 -April 2019  April - Sept 2019 Mirtazepine down to around 6mg - skipping days to taper

October 2019 - Dec 2019 unwell from failed taper including jumping about in doses 

15 December 2019 to 13 June 2021 15mg Mirtazepine 

14 June 2021 started brass monkey Slide.  
2021: 23 August 12.3mg, 28 October 11.1mg, 6 Dec 10mg

2022: 12 Feb 8.5, 25 Oct 4.5mg

2023: 16 Jan 3.6mg, 28 Sept 1.8mg

Link to comment

Hi @Faure

Thank you for your encouragement. 

 

No worries at all. I understand completely that you don't have time and are busy managing work and rest. No pressure whatsoever. You've got your priorities straight. 

 

1 hour ago, Faure said:

I have seen somewhere on this website not to share press articles with medical professionals, it’s better to stick with academic papers. They do like to say they are evidence based, even when ignoring evidence (in patients in WD) that is right under their nose. 
 

 

Yes, I've seen that, too. I agree. 

Thank you for including the hyperlinks above, much appreciated. 

 

I hope you are having a gentle day. 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

1996-2018 - misc. polypharmacy, incl. SSRIs, SNRIs, neuroleptics, lithium, benzos, stimulants, antihistamines, etc. (approx. 30+ drugs)

2012-2018 - 10mg lexapro/escitalopram (20mg?)    Jan. 2018 - 10mg -> 5mg, then from 5mg -> 2.5mg, then 0mg  -->  July 2018 - 0mg

2017(?)-2020 - vyvanse/lisdexamfetamine 60-70mg    2020-2021 - 70mg down to 0mg  -->  July 2021 - 0mg

March-April 2021 - vortioxetine 5-10mg (approx. 7 weeks total; CT)  -->  April 28th, 2021 - 0mg

supplements: magnesium powder (dissolved in water) as needed throughout the day; 1 tsp fish oil w/ morning meal; 2mg melatonin 

August 1, 2022 - 1 mg melatonin

 

Courage is fear that has said its prayers.  - Karle Wilson Baker

love and justice are not two. without inner change, there can be no outer change; without collective change, no change matters.  - Rev. angel Kyodo williams

Holding multiple truths. Knowing that everyone has their own accurate view of the way things are.  - text on homemade banner at Afiya house

 

I am not a medical professional; this is not medical advice. 

Link to comment
  • Mentor

@Ariel  

I think your scary tormenting brain friends from yesterday came to my house.........How can it come up with so many crazy and scary thoughts and some how they seem real.....It's crazy how it can switch from one extreme to another...........But it just can't seem to leave you alone for very

long.........I just want my brain back🙄 Hey I took a shower today  too.......Not going to tell you how many days in between. lol I find that I have the worst stinky BO now.  It seems like half the time I can  take a shower and still have a slightly  smelling arm pits...lol

 

I think it's great that you are finding the energy and drive to get the word out to your doctor and therapist.......Sometimes taking some sort of action makes us feel more in control lol...........  But can also feel overwhelming on where to start and what to send- not to mention going out to find it.  Did you check in the http://From journals and scientific sources

You could also send them the link to the documentary Medicating Normal https://medicatingnormal.com/

Here is link to the UK's new booklet for Guidance for Psychological Therapist  Enabling  conversations with clients taking or withdrawing from prescribed psychiatric drugs  https://prescribeddrug.info/

I'll be waiting to see what you come up with...... I got a letter from my old physic doc letting me know he is retiring... He pretty much threw the towel in on me in 2020. Suggested I go find a second opinion.  Now if he had the information about WD, maybe I would have been spared this nightmare........I wish I would have been up to date too........I think a up dose in my Prozac and a long hold might have been the answer.  Now I am poly drugged and still a mess he gets to walk away.........In his ignorant defense he was doing what he thought was right. 

 

Talk soon♥️

 

https://www.survivingantidepressants.org/topic/24894-greatful-is-this-withdrawal-or-to-many-med-changes-at-once/

1995? Prozac,  tried several Paxil, Serzone, St John's Wart back to Prozac and Trazodone ct:d Traz

 Lexapro. Tried to stop Crash in 2015  Kindled   Hospitalized, Vybrid, Seroquel, Effexor, Abilify  Pristiq, Wellbutrin-- 2016  ended back on   Prozac and Lamictal 200mg

5/2020  thru 12/2020 taper from 20mg  Prozac  down to 3mg.  Crashed  12/13/2020 Zoloft 50mg 1/29ct  1/29/2021 Seroquel 50mg ct  2/12/2021 Wellbutrin 75mg.  Became hypo manic 2/1  6ct Trazodone 50mg 4/25  25mg 2/5/ 2021 Lamictal 150mg.  2/24  100mg   4/9  75mg   4/21 37.5 

2/16/2021 Seroquel 50xr  3/3 100mg  3/17  150mg  side effects ct   4/3 2021 Lexapro 5mg  4/14  7.5mg  4/30 10mg  5/10  7.5mg 

2021/ 5/16  5mg Lexapro   37.5 Lamictal   25mg trazadone,   xanax  .0625mg  3x a day   

Lexapro  Taper> Sept/01/2021  4.90mg>  Sept/25  4.75mg>   Oct/19 4.69mg > Nov/14 4.2mg    Jan/30/2022-- Split dosing 2x a day All liquid  4.2mg  (2.20mg at 8am & 2mg at 4pm) 2/17 4mg>  2/24  3.8mg  slow taper to  Aug/12/2022 2.04mg  2023> 2mg,  1.90mg, 1.80mg, 1.70mg, 1.5mg, 1.4mg, 1.3mg 1.2mg, 1.1mg, 1mg, 0.9mg, 0.8mg, 0.7mg 0.65mg, 0.6mg, 0.55mg, 0.5mg, 0.45mg, 0.4mg, 0.35mg, 0.3mg, 0.25,mg, back to once a day dosing 0 .1mg, 0.07mg

Lamictal  taper  4/17/ 2022 25mg, 9/9/ 22 -20mg, 9/25/22- 15mg , 10/20/22-   0

 Trazodone..2023.>down to 14mg, 7mg, 6mg  July 2023   0

Xanax  0.0625 3 x a day,  2023>  0.042 3x a day

Supplements  Magnesium glycinate, Omega 3, D3, vitamin c , zinc, NAC 

Link to comment

Hi @Greatful how lovely to receive your message. Thank you. 

 

You made me laugh! <3

11 hours ago, Greatful said:

Hey I took a shower today  too.......Not going to tell you how many days in between. lol I find that I have the worst stinky BO now.  It seems like half the time I can  take a shower and still have a slightly  smelling arm pits...lol

Lol 

During withdrawal I have successfully tapered down my showers to about once a week... Currently experimenting with reinstating at +1 per week, but cannot claim to be successfully consistent with the updose! haha

I have weird funky BO, too, even after bathing. So curious as to what that's all about, isn't it to do with our bacterial biome? Back in the beginning when I was able to get to the sauna and really sweat my heart out I felt a lot more fresh after. I think my body longs for better sweat turnover (technical term, haha). Sweat is one of our detox systems, right? And I guess we've got a lot of detoxifying to do. I dunno, no clue what's going on. But it sure is mystifying how I can suddenly smell like a pickled onion when I haven't eaten onions in decades! 

Thanks so much for writing about this, I am delighted. Bodily functions and dysfunctions are among my favorite topics, lol  And i'm sure you smell just peachy, G. You may be having negative olfactory hallucinations about yourself! 

 

Thanks for the links and suggestions! I appreciate your weighing in, very helpful. 

 

Good luck today with your granddaughter's baptism ( if you don't manage to shower at home beforehand you can always sneak in a little bird bath before the ceremony ;-P  maybe all our unholy BO needs is some holy water!). It's beautiful that you are up to going and being there for/with your family even though you aren't feeling too great. I hope the day will bless you with a meaningful experience and moments of joy and connection. 

I am so sorry for your recent loss. It sounds like you have quite the week ahead of you, contrasting celebration and mourning on top of your day-to-day healing journey. That's quite the range in a short period of time, compressed intense emotional events. Wishing you the very best tender loving care, be so gentle with yourself. 

Thinking of you and holding space,

A.

 

 

 

1996-2018 - misc. polypharmacy, incl. SSRIs, SNRIs, neuroleptics, lithium, benzos, stimulants, antihistamines, etc. (approx. 30+ drugs)

2012-2018 - 10mg lexapro/escitalopram (20mg?)    Jan. 2018 - 10mg -> 5mg, then from 5mg -> 2.5mg, then 0mg  -->  July 2018 - 0mg

2017(?)-2020 - vyvanse/lisdexamfetamine 60-70mg    2020-2021 - 70mg down to 0mg  -->  July 2021 - 0mg

March-April 2021 - vortioxetine 5-10mg (approx. 7 weeks total; CT)  -->  April 28th, 2021 - 0mg

supplements: magnesium powder (dissolved in water) as needed throughout the day; 1 tsp fish oil w/ morning meal; 2mg melatonin 

August 1, 2022 - 1 mg melatonin

 

Courage is fear that has said its prayers.  - Karle Wilson Baker

love and justice are not two. without inner change, there can be no outer change; without collective change, no change matters.  - Rev. angel Kyodo williams

Holding multiple truths. Knowing that everyone has their own accurate view of the way things are.  - text on homemade banner at Afiya house

 

I am not a medical professional; this is not medical advice. 

Link to comment
  • Mentor
1 hour ago, Ariel said:

During withdrawal I have successfully tapered down my showers to about once a week... Currently experimenting with reinstating at +1 per week, but cannot claim to be successfully consistent with the updose! haha

🤣🤣🤣🤣

am not a medical professional. I provide information and make suggestions based on my own experience and SA guidelines. I am unable to respond to private messages. 

Mirtazepine 15mg Nov 2018 -April 2019  April - Sept 2019 Mirtazepine down to around 6mg - skipping days to taper

October 2019 - Dec 2019 unwell from failed taper including jumping about in doses 

15 December 2019 to 13 June 2021 15mg Mirtazepine 

14 June 2021 started brass monkey Slide.  
2021: 23 August 12.3mg, 28 October 11.1mg, 6 Dec 10mg

2022: 12 Feb 8.5, 25 Oct 4.5mg

2023: 16 Jan 3.6mg, 28 Sept 1.8mg

Link to comment

I've been having a very difficult time getting out of bed in the mornings. I often feel that brain block inhibiting action, that weird inability to flip the "on" switch. Sometimes this is accompanied by passive-death-wish-type thoughts, e.g. "I just want to lie here and close my eyes and fall asleep and not wake up." I do not actively want to die; I'm just very tired of living like this and most of the time I do not see the light at the end of the tunnel. Fortunately, even my suicidal ideation is lazy. I don't have the cognitive capacity to plan or coordinate an attempt, nor do I have the energy to carry it out. (I saw another member relate something similar in a post and it was so nice to know I'm not alone. I don't remember who it was -- whoever you are, thank you.) I am trying to pay more attention to the sequencing of actions, thoughts, feelings in order to possibly note any causality or correlation and perhaps design targeted behavioral modification accordingly. For example, sometimes the demotivation seems to come first, and the thoughts about sleeping forever seem to follow, as if they arise from that defeated feeling. Other times it seems to be the other way around. I don't know whether it's interesting or meaningful to notice and analyze these sorts of patterns. I guess it's just something to do. If you find yourself in a field of flowers and butterflies and bees you may as well watch them and wonder. What else have I got to do other than observe the demented cross-pollination of my withdrawal-addled inner (not-)workings? (This is somehow all very funny to me in its absurdity and stupidity. At the same time a part of me is having a response of extreme apathy to the point where it is hard to keep typing and writing this because the feeling of I-don't-care-what-even-is-this disconnect and disavowal is so strong. Both of these reactions are underpinned by a sense of unreality. I am still struggling with DP/DR, etc.)

 

If that was a dry, overcooked mouthful, here's some gravy. Today I managed to get up in the afternoon. I did the dishes; went grocery shopping; prepared/portioned some meals for the freezer; went for a walk in the park; came home and took a shower. I felt pretty sh*t the whole time, endless multitrack commentary and intrusive thoughts droning on in the back and front and sides of my mind, swirling around. I really hate the thought/thinking symptoms so much, the clamor is exhausting. It's exacerbated by my isolation. Sometimes I feel like I would pay someone to just please talk to me, tell me anything, just to give me a break from the noise in my head. Whoops, so sorry, this was supposed to be the gravy! Got sidetracked by a sinewy bit caught in my throat. Back to the saucy stuff: I did all the things! And now it is recorded here for posterity. 

 

I feel no sense of pride or accomplishment or satisfaction. I just believe that it is good to have done something and left the house and spent some time upright, standing and walking. I said hello to a couple of cute dogs in the park, that was a highlight. 

 

How is it that I love every single one of you with all my heart, and feel so connected to you, and wish you so very well -- while I am at present unable to feel genuine care for myself? It's so strange, and although i don't really want to be in this position to study it, it's not uninteresting.

I spent 20 years in therapy and out learning to love myself, and I got there. I originally decided to stop taking psychiatric medication because I felt stable, whole, balanced, capable. I loved and accepted and knew myself, healing had been my life's work, and I had successfully befriended myself. I considered myself my own best friend, and basically well-examined and good to go. The drugs were not causing me any problems (that I knew of), I just didn't see any point to stay on them any longer and felt more than equipped to transition into freedom from them. That healing, that wholeness that I worked for and reached and felt, that was real. I know it was. It's still in there, somewhere, it has to be. It's the only thing that makes sense. Even though I cannot consciously access the self-love, self-connection, self-knowledge, wholeness, the fruits of my life-long labor of love healing myself and my ancestors -- the wholeness remains within. Temporarily concealed by the smoke and mirrors of withdrawal trickery and its monkey mind illusionists. There is so much I cannot see or feel or touch right now; so apparently negligibly little I know, if anything; all I can do is trust. And pray. 

 

 

 

 

 

1996-2018 - misc. polypharmacy, incl. SSRIs, SNRIs, neuroleptics, lithium, benzos, stimulants, antihistamines, etc. (approx. 30+ drugs)

2012-2018 - 10mg lexapro/escitalopram (20mg?)    Jan. 2018 - 10mg -> 5mg, then from 5mg -> 2.5mg, then 0mg  -->  July 2018 - 0mg

2017(?)-2020 - vyvanse/lisdexamfetamine 60-70mg    2020-2021 - 70mg down to 0mg  -->  July 2021 - 0mg

March-April 2021 - vortioxetine 5-10mg (approx. 7 weeks total; CT)  -->  April 28th, 2021 - 0mg

supplements: magnesium powder (dissolved in water) as needed throughout the day; 1 tsp fish oil w/ morning meal; 2mg melatonin 

August 1, 2022 - 1 mg melatonin

 

Courage is fear that has said its prayers.  - Karle Wilson Baker

love and justice are not two. without inner change, there can be no outer change; without collective change, no change matters.  - Rev. angel Kyodo williams

Holding multiple truths. Knowing that everyone has their own accurate view of the way things are.  - text on homemade banner at Afiya house

 

I am not a medical professional; this is not medical advice. 

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  • Mentor

@Ariel

I can relate to feeling so heavy and slow that it is hard to do anything.  Sometimes we have to force ourselves to get out--sometimes it helps and sometimes it wears you down..........What to do?  All we can do is keep trying---You did awesome------Quite a bit I must say..... Maybe a pace yourself approach might help.......I know sometimes if I push myself to hard I pay for it with fatigue and what ever else gets thrown at me..

Sometimes it is all I can do to make something to eat.........But of course the brain doesn't have a hard time belittling you for the lack of productive things you could be doing----I am with you  on the brain going on and on.........Could it just be still and quiet for a short time lol......

 

Do you sleep well at night?  Don't you wish you could just sleep half the day away too.......

39 minutes ago, Ariel said:

I feel no sense of pride or accomplishment or satisfaction. I just believe that it is good to have done something and left the house and spent some time upright, standing and walking. I said hello to a couple of cute dogs in the park, that was a highlight. 

 

I can relate, it's such a struggle somedays to do anything besides "think"- lol---But as you know- remember to tell yourself positive things even if you don't feel them-----I love myself---I did the dishes- I cooked- I will heal-  And you are right you are still  inside-----sometimes just stop the merry-go-round in the brain and concentrate hard and look inside and you will see yourself- waiting to re-emerge to the outside.

 

47 minutes ago, Ariel said:

I often feel that brain block inhibiting action,

When I get this sensation it feels like I can't think straight my thoughts are jumbled and they feel like they hit the wall and my brain panic's and races to think- Had it this morning with a tight knot in my forehead and mild brain itching lol......Can you say brain agitation--- 

 

I don't remember and I am to lazy to go back and read- lol-  so I will ask anyway- do  you have family or friends near by?  Do you live alone?  

This certainly can be a isolating and lonely time...Then  try to combat negative thinking-depression-- UGH.  Just keep typing away when you can dredge up the energy---We are here to listen and ♥️ 

 

You are doing a super job-your getting through the day-managing to shower (LOL  I showered today too) and do a few chores and self care by walking..

 

https://www.survivingantidepressants.org/topic/24894-greatful-is-this-withdrawal-or-to-many-med-changes-at-once/

1995? Prozac,  tried several Paxil, Serzone, St John's Wart back to Prozac and Trazodone ct:d Traz

 Lexapro. Tried to stop Crash in 2015  Kindled   Hospitalized, Vybrid, Seroquel, Effexor, Abilify  Pristiq, Wellbutrin-- 2016  ended back on   Prozac and Lamictal 200mg

5/2020  thru 12/2020 taper from 20mg  Prozac  down to 3mg.  Crashed  12/13/2020 Zoloft 50mg 1/29ct  1/29/2021 Seroquel 50mg ct  2/12/2021 Wellbutrin 75mg.  Became hypo manic 2/1  6ct Trazodone 50mg 4/25  25mg 2/5/ 2021 Lamictal 150mg.  2/24  100mg   4/9  75mg   4/21 37.5 

2/16/2021 Seroquel 50xr  3/3 100mg  3/17  150mg  side effects ct   4/3 2021 Lexapro 5mg  4/14  7.5mg  4/30 10mg  5/10  7.5mg 

2021/ 5/16  5mg Lexapro   37.5 Lamictal   25mg trazadone,   xanax  .0625mg  3x a day   

Lexapro  Taper> Sept/01/2021  4.90mg>  Sept/25  4.75mg>   Oct/19 4.69mg > Nov/14 4.2mg    Jan/30/2022-- Split dosing 2x a day All liquid  4.2mg  (2.20mg at 8am & 2mg at 4pm) 2/17 4mg>  2/24  3.8mg  slow taper to  Aug/12/2022 2.04mg  2023> 2mg,  1.90mg, 1.80mg, 1.70mg, 1.5mg, 1.4mg, 1.3mg 1.2mg, 1.1mg, 1mg, 0.9mg, 0.8mg, 0.7mg 0.65mg, 0.6mg, 0.55mg, 0.5mg, 0.45mg, 0.4mg, 0.35mg, 0.3mg, 0.25,mg, back to once a day dosing 0 .1mg, 0.07mg

Lamictal  taper  4/17/ 2022 25mg, 9/9/ 22 -20mg, 9/25/22- 15mg , 10/20/22-   0

 Trazodone..2023.>down to 14mg, 7mg, 6mg  July 2023   0

Xanax  0.0625 3 x a day,  2023>  0.042 3x a day

Supplements  Magnesium glycinate, Omega 3, D3, vitamin c , zinc, NAC 

Link to comment
2 hours ago, Ariel said:

"I just want to lie here and close my eyes and fall asleep and not wake up." I do not actively want to die; I'm just very tired of living like this and most of the time I do not see the light at the end of the tunnel.

Hi @Ariel. That’s exactly how I was feeling until a week or so ago. I think it’s just that absolutely everything takes so much thought that we’re exhausted before we’ve even done what we were planning to do. 

 

I relate to most things you say. You have this amazing knack of being able to articulate what is going on in my head too. You should be a writer as it’s most definitely a talent!

 

2 hours ago, Ariel said:

Temporarily concealed by the smoke and mirrors of withdrawal trickery and its monkey mind illusionists. There is so much I cannot see or feel or touch right now; so apparently negligibly little I know, if anything; all I can do is trust.


You’ve hit the nail on the head!  This is the key. To remember this is temporary and all smoke and mirrors of withdrawal. I am going to screen shot this to refer back to as I know this will help me when things get tough again.


Thanks you for your wisdom and I wish you bright days ahead x

 

Sertraline (Lustral):  2014. Sept 50mg. Oct 100mg. Dec 150mg. 2015-2019. 150mg. 2019  Apr-May 0mg. Beg May 150mg. End May 100mg. Late June 125mg. Late Aug 100mg. 2020 Jan 75mg. April 50mg.

2022  50mg. 1Jan 45mg. 1Feb 40.5mg. Water T24Feb 39.5mg. 3Mar 38.5mg. 18Mar 38mg. 25Mar 37.5mg. 22Apr 37mg. 5May 36.5mg. 18May 36mg. 1Jun 35.3mg. 15Jun 34.5mg.  30Jun 34mg. 15Jul 33.5mg. 22Jul 33mg. 5Aug 32.5mg. 19Aug 32mg. 1Sept 31.5mg. 1Oct 31mg.  27 Oct 30.5. 16 Nov 30mg. 30 Nov 29.5mg. 14 Dec 29mg

2023. 2 Jan 28.5mg. 6 Feb 28mg. 10 Mar 27.5mg. 1 Apr 26.5mg. 1 May 26mg. 1 Jun 25.5mg. 1 Jul 25mg. 1 Aug 24.5mg. 17 Aug 24mg. 5 Sept 23.5mg. 9 Oct 23mg.

 

Desogestrel:  2014 -  present:  

Supplements Magnesium. 400mcg  Vitamin D. 10mcg.  Multivit/min. 1 tab. B Complex

 

Certirizine:   2022 May 10mg. Dec 20mg. 2023. 15mg.

 Omeprazole.:  2016 20mg. 2022  20mg.  15Jan 15mg. 9Feb 10mg. 25Feb 6.5mg. 15Mar 3mg. 3Apr 1.5mg.  15Apr 0mg   2023. 20mg. 15 Sept 15mg.

Link to comment

My psychiatric drug history, as sung by Pete Seeger

 

I Know An Old Lady Who Swallowed A Fly, a.k.a. Withdrawal Anthem 
 

I know an old lady who swallowed a fly
I don't know why she swallowed the fly
Perhaps she'll die

I know an old lady who swallowed a spider
That wriggled and jiggled and tickled inside her
She swallowed the spider to catch the fly
But I don't know why she swallowed the fly
Perhaps she'll die

I know an old lady who swallowed a bird
How absurd to swallow a bird
She swallowed the bird to catch the spider
That wriggled and jiggled and tickled inside her
She swallowed the spider to catch the fly
But I don't know why she swallowed the fly
Perhaps she'll die

I know an old lady who swallowed a cat
Imagine that. She swallowed a cat.
She swallowed the cat to catch the bird
She swallowed the bird to catch the spider
That wriggled and jiggled and tickled inside her
She swallowed the spider to catch the fly
But I don't know why she swallowed that fly
Perhaps she'll die

I know an old lady who swallowed a dog
What a hog to swallow a dog!
She swallowed the dog to catch the cat
She swallowed the cat to catch the bird
She swallowed the bird to catch the spider
That wriggled and jiggled and tickled inside her
She swallowed the spider to catch the fly
But I don't know why she swallowed that fly
Perhaps she'll die

I know an old lady who swallowed a goat
Opened her throat and down went the goat!
She swallowed the goat to catch the dog
She swallowed the dog to catch the cat
She swallowed the cat to catch the bird
She swallowed the bird to catch the spider
That wriggled and jiggled and tickled inside her
She swallowed the spider to catch the fly
But I don't know why she swallowed that fly
Perhaps she'll die

I know an old lady who swallowed a cow
I don't know how she swallowed the cow
She swallowed the cow to catch the goat
She swallowed the goat to catch the dog
She swallowed the dog to catch the cat
She swallowed the cat to catch the bird
She swallowed the bird to catch the spider
That wriggled and jiggled and tickled inside her
She swallowed the spider to catch the fly
But I don't know why she swallowed that fly
Perhaps she'll die

I know an old lady who swallowed a horse
She's alive and well of course!

 

 

There are versions of this song that end with, "She's dead, of course." Not the version I have. 

SHE'S ALIVE AND WELL OF COURSE. 

(albeit a bit constipated)

 

 

 

1996-2018 - misc. polypharmacy, incl. SSRIs, SNRIs, neuroleptics, lithium, benzos, stimulants, antihistamines, etc. (approx. 30+ drugs)

2012-2018 - 10mg lexapro/escitalopram (20mg?)    Jan. 2018 - 10mg -> 5mg, then from 5mg -> 2.5mg, then 0mg  -->  July 2018 - 0mg

2017(?)-2020 - vyvanse/lisdexamfetamine 60-70mg    2020-2021 - 70mg down to 0mg  -->  July 2021 - 0mg

March-April 2021 - vortioxetine 5-10mg (approx. 7 weeks total; CT)  -->  April 28th, 2021 - 0mg

supplements: magnesium powder (dissolved in water) as needed throughout the day; 1 tsp fish oil w/ morning meal; 2mg melatonin 

August 1, 2022 - 1 mg melatonin

 

Courage is fear that has said its prayers.  - Karle Wilson Baker

love and justice are not two. without inner change, there can be no outer change; without collective change, no change matters.  - Rev. angel Kyodo williams

Holding multiple truths. Knowing that everyone has their own accurate view of the way things are.  - text on homemade banner at Afiya house

 

I am not a medical professional; this is not medical advice. 

Link to comment
1 hour ago, Ariel said:

SHE'S ALIVE AND WELL OF COURSE. 

(albeit a bit constipated)

Thank you for the belly laugh @Ariel 😆

Sertraline (Lustral):  2014. Sept 50mg. Oct 100mg. Dec 150mg. 2015-2019. 150mg. 2019  Apr-May 0mg. Beg May 150mg. End May 100mg. Late June 125mg. Late Aug 100mg. 2020 Jan 75mg. April 50mg.

2022  50mg. 1Jan 45mg. 1Feb 40.5mg. Water T24Feb 39.5mg. 3Mar 38.5mg. 18Mar 38mg. 25Mar 37.5mg. 22Apr 37mg. 5May 36.5mg. 18May 36mg. 1Jun 35.3mg. 15Jun 34.5mg.  30Jun 34mg. 15Jul 33.5mg. 22Jul 33mg. 5Aug 32.5mg. 19Aug 32mg. 1Sept 31.5mg. 1Oct 31mg.  27 Oct 30.5. 16 Nov 30mg. 30 Nov 29.5mg. 14 Dec 29mg

2023. 2 Jan 28.5mg. 6 Feb 28mg. 10 Mar 27.5mg. 1 Apr 26.5mg. 1 May 26mg. 1 Jun 25.5mg. 1 Jul 25mg. 1 Aug 24.5mg. 17 Aug 24mg. 5 Sept 23.5mg. 9 Oct 23mg.

 

Desogestrel:  2014 -  present:  

Supplements Magnesium. 400mcg  Vitamin D. 10mcg.  Multivit/min. 1 tab. B Complex

 

Certirizine:   2022 May 10mg. Dec 20mg. 2023. 15mg.

 Omeprazole.:  2016 20mg. 2022  20mg.  15Jan 15mg. 9Feb 10mg. 25Feb 6.5mg. 15Mar 3mg. 3Apr 1.5mg.  15Apr 0mg   2023. 20mg. 15 Sept 15mg.

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  • Mentor
On 4/25/2022 at 6:56 PM, Ariel said:

That healing, that wholeness that I worked for and reached and felt, that was real. I know it was. It's still in there, somewhere, it has to be. It's the only thing that makes sense. Even though I cannot consciously access the self-love, self-connection, self-knowledge, wholeness, the fruits of my life-long labor of love healing myself and my ancestors -- the wholeness remains within.

It does remain and it’s helping you through this. You are caring for yourself, you are most definitely helping others with all your wonderfully supportive comments and you will start feeling better at some point. Well done with your tasks the other day; they are an achievement even though you don’t feel they are. Because you care about yourself, you got up, cooked ate, went out, showered, all while feeling absolutely dreadful. 
 

How’s things now?

am not a medical professional. I provide information and make suggestions based on my own experience and SA guidelines. I am unable to respond to private messages. 

Mirtazepine 15mg Nov 2018 -April 2019  April - Sept 2019 Mirtazepine down to around 6mg - skipping days to taper

October 2019 - Dec 2019 unwell from failed taper including jumping about in doses 

15 December 2019 to 13 June 2021 15mg Mirtazepine 

14 June 2021 started brass monkey Slide.  
2021: 23 August 12.3mg, 28 October 11.1mg, 6 Dec 10mg

2022: 12 Feb 8.5, 25 Oct 4.5mg

2023: 16 Jan 3.6mg, 28 Sept 1.8mg

Link to comment

Hi @Faure

Thank you for stopping by. It is always so sweet to encounter a little note waiting for me. 

How are you?

 

Thank you for your kind words of support. Means a lot.

 

Today is my 1-year anniversary off of vortioxetine. I was only on it for 7 weeks (7 weeks too many, of course), and it's unclear what effect it's had since. I can't tell whether it negatively impacted/prolonged withdrawal or if it was relatively insignificant in the grand scheme of things. No way to know. Feels good to have logged a year, though. 

Maybe another time I'll post my vortioxetine-mishap story. For now I'm feeling kinda quiet about it. Just sorta savoring the occasion and how every day brings me that much closer to recovery. 

I will say this: the vortioxetine debacle taught me some important lessons; and, not least, it led me to find SA. For that I am grateful. 

 

And, for good measure, let's mark that I'm 4.25 years into escitalopram withdrawal. But who's counting? hahaha

 

Love to you all, boundless gratitude for the kindness, compassion, love, support, connection, meaning abundant on SA. You are so very special and I am honored to spend time with you here. You have made my life better since the moment I joined. 

Peace and healing, 

A.

 

 

 

 

 

1996-2018 - misc. polypharmacy, incl. SSRIs, SNRIs, neuroleptics, lithium, benzos, stimulants, antihistamines, etc. (approx. 30+ drugs)

2012-2018 - 10mg lexapro/escitalopram (20mg?)    Jan. 2018 - 10mg -> 5mg, then from 5mg -> 2.5mg, then 0mg  -->  July 2018 - 0mg

2017(?)-2020 - vyvanse/lisdexamfetamine 60-70mg    2020-2021 - 70mg down to 0mg  -->  July 2021 - 0mg

March-April 2021 - vortioxetine 5-10mg (approx. 7 weeks total; CT)  -->  April 28th, 2021 - 0mg

supplements: magnesium powder (dissolved in water) as needed throughout the day; 1 tsp fish oil w/ morning meal; 2mg melatonin 

August 1, 2022 - 1 mg melatonin

 

Courage is fear that has said its prayers.  - Karle Wilson Baker

love and justice are not two. without inner change, there can be no outer change; without collective change, no change matters.  - Rev. angel Kyodo williams

Holding multiple truths. Knowing that everyone has their own accurate view of the way things are.  - text on homemade banner at Afiya house

 

I am not a medical professional; this is not medical advice. 

Link to comment

Notes to help me keep track:

 

sat. 30 april (night of fri. 29 april)

- difficulty falling asleep last night despite usual melatonin; felt wired. fell asleep around 11:30pm (?), a 1.5-2 hours later than usual. vivid dreams during the night verging on nightmares. slept fitfully. - woke around 4am with heightened anxiety, more than usual. as soon as i opened my eyes the intrusive thoughts appeared, mind racing, etc. 

- yesterday dinner, liver + slightly higher fat content than usual (3:30pm) --> activating? i suspect my gut is very sensitive to fat quantity, if i go over quota it affects sleep (i've noticed this with other foods, too). maybe liver is activating bc high in b vitamins? usually when i eat liver i reserve it for morning meal; this was the first time i had it for dinner (went to the butcher's in the afternoon and wanted to enjoy it fresh). 

 

this past week:

- morning anxiety increase. have been feeling crummy in the mornings. unable to fall back asleep around 6-ish. 

- usually feel a bit calmer after breakfast (9-10am)

- have been slightly more active during the day, walking. nothing spectacular, approx. 4000 steps a day on average (a few days 5000+). going for consistency over intensity, duration; aiming for regular walks, even if small/short, but daily or most days. contributing factor (CF) to anxiety increase?

- have been contemplating a life change decision 

- therapy 

- the days are getting longer and longer. light curls around the edges of my makeshift blackout setup. dawn starts creeping in before 5am. birdsong. 

- neighbors have been noisy in the evenings. activating. 

 

 

 

 

1996-2018 - misc. polypharmacy, incl. SSRIs, SNRIs, neuroleptics, lithium, benzos, stimulants, antihistamines, etc. (approx. 30+ drugs)

2012-2018 - 10mg lexapro/escitalopram (20mg?)    Jan. 2018 - 10mg -> 5mg, then from 5mg -> 2.5mg, then 0mg  -->  July 2018 - 0mg

2017(?)-2020 - vyvanse/lisdexamfetamine 60-70mg    2020-2021 - 70mg down to 0mg  -->  July 2021 - 0mg

March-April 2021 - vortioxetine 5-10mg (approx. 7 weeks total; CT)  -->  April 28th, 2021 - 0mg

supplements: magnesium powder (dissolved in water) as needed throughout the day; 1 tsp fish oil w/ morning meal; 2mg melatonin 

August 1, 2022 - 1 mg melatonin

 

Courage is fear that has said its prayers.  - Karle Wilson Baker

love and justice are not two. without inner change, there can be no outer change; without collective change, no change matters.  - Rev. angel Kyodo williams

Holding multiple truths. Knowing that everyone has their own accurate view of the way things are.  - text on homemade banner at Afiya house

 

I am not a medical professional; this is not medical advice. 

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