Ariel: protracted withdrawal and PAWS

[Ariel]

My former therapist, to whom I wrote that long email about PAWS, etc., has replied. Here is the complete text of their email (I've removed our names):

 

____

Thank you for taking the time to write to me and let me know what you have gone through  It sounds truly awful  I am wishing you healing and health.  I will proceed (as always) cautiously and with your thoughtful experience in mind 

 

Please be well 

____

 

I am glad to receive a response as opposed to not receiving one at all. I can see how the wording is considerate, appropriate, professional. Part of me wishes there were a bit more engagement with the issue, acknowledging that WS is real and poses a serious public health crisis, etc. Looking at it from a former therapist's point of view, I get that any time taken to read a long email and write back is unpaid time. I'm a former client, and I imagine I mean less to my former therapist than they mean to me. For them it's work, there are professional boundaries. I am grateful that they have read my message and replied compassionately.

It's just that -- if anything's going to change, it requires people to get involved, to go above and beyond. Politeness and professional courtesy and staying in one's lane is not gonna get things done. Negotiating boundaries and breaking barriers is paramount to change -- that's what change is. A recharting, remapping of boundaries thereby transforming what was into something new. I must remember that transformation is a process. It is already happening. This site is evidence of that. All of us are evidence of that. All the other resources available are evidence of that. Our movement is... moving. As we know from withdrawal, time is key. 

The truth is, I don't know how my email landed with my former therapist. I have no idea. What did that information mean to them, how do they feel about it, what will they do with it? I don't know, and there's no way for me to know. I have only the words above and whatever meaning I make of them. So why not err on the side of trust, and hold space for all that I do not know. There is no reason to assume one way or another. 

I wrote to my former therapist. This action was meaningful to me. My former therapist has responded to my message. That exchange of communication is meaningful to me. 

Whatever emotions come up for me around this experience, I sit with them. 

 

 

  

[Faure]

Hello, sorry you’ve had a bad week. Do you know about the morning cortisol spike that causes anxiety? I see you have makeshift blackout curtains so maybe you do. I have an eye mask that I’ve used when I wake up early and feel anxious (not for a long time) it has helped in the past….

[divegrl]

Thank you for sharing your story. I am so sorry for all the pain you have been through. This community is a wonderful place to process all the trauma we have been through. 
 

I am glad you got a response from your therapist. Awareness among the medical community is so important to change.

 

Wishing you healing and following along. 

[Ariel]

Thank you @divegrl

It is indeed a wonderful community. I feel grateful for it every day, many times a day. 

We are in this together, as you wrote in your thread. 

[Ariel]

@Faure Hi there. Thanks for the sweet note. 

 

Yeah, I've read about the morning cortisol spike. Since I put up the makeshift blackout solution the anxiety has generally been milder. I am unable to completely shut out the light but this has been a marked improvement. I live pretty far north so the days are long this time of year. 

I think (for me) it's just one of those long-lasting symptoms that will naturally fluctuate as my system heals. The past week has brought increased light sensitivity (I've taken to wearing dark glasses again; it helps) and the wake-up spikes have gotten spikier. So I think overall there's an increased sensitivity/reactivity at the moment. It's also pollen allergy season, which places a certain strain on my body. All in all I'm guessing there's a congregate effect happening. Stressors and demands are experienced cumulatively and can tip the scales. But of course I don't know. 

Trying to just be gentle with myself and pay attention. 

 

Eye mask, eh? I am encountering inner resistance... haha   I've experimented with those before but have never found one I can stand to have on. Even if I manage to fall asleep wearing it I pull it off my face in my sleep. I have a yoga face pillow thing-y that I use for resting, but it's no good to sleep with. Eye mask eye mask, boo grrr ugh hahaha! Okay. I'll look into it. Thank you for the reminder. It's worth giving it another try. 

 

Wishing you a peaceful day, Faure <3

 

 

[Faure]

6 minutes ago, Ariel said:

Eye mask, eh? I am encountering inner resistance... haha   I've experimented with those before but have never found one I can stand to have on. Even if I manage to fall asleep wearing it I pull it off my face in my sleep. I have a yoga face pillow thing-y that I use for resting, but it's no good to sleep with. Eye mask eye mask, boo grrr ugh hahaha! Okay. I'll look into it. Thank you for the reminder. It's worth giving it another try. 

I didn’t sleep all night in it, I just used to put it on if I woke early / felt anxious and it definitely helped me doze with less anxiety.  Hope you have a good day too, nice and sunny in the uk, but chilly! I’m having a rest day after a busier than usual week (busier because I can now do more) ☺️

[Ariel]

Right on, Faure. Thanks for clarifying. Cuts through the cog fog. (What was it I was saying about paying attention?) I'll try keeping my black eye pillow nearby to experiment with in the mornings. 

 

Congrats on an active week. Wishing you a peaceful rest day 

[LunaLex]

Thank you for your encouragement today lovely human. A lot of days life is just.. like you said the other day, doing a lot of things with the mindchatter going on the whole time, yammering negativity. 

 

But fake it till you make it, I figure. Live my life like I am still okay and hope for healing. And journaling lets me appreciate the moments afterwards. Thank you for helping me see what I can't. 

 

I am so proud of your email to the psych and I hope you are proud of yourself. I am glad they took the time to respond, to acknowledge at least. 

 

I have no cortisol tips, sadly, one of my biggest sleep helpers has been stacking my weighted blankets though! Wishing for some peaceful mornings for you. I hope the life change thoughts arent stressful. 

[Ariel]

Woke up around 3am. The intrusive thoughts and ruminating kicked in immediately. There's always an exploratory pause for me at this point -- do I try to get back to sleep? Do I accept I'm awake and do something to distract myself from the noise? Usually I wait to assess whether the chatter is ramping up, and if it is, I wake up properly and get up, put the kettle on, etc.  My monkey mind's a cortisol junkie, haha  Monkey really acts high in these wee morning hours. 

I watched some telly and tried to maintain awareness of physical sensation so as to stay in my body. One of my favorite places to anchor attention is my feet. I felt good contact with my soles and toes and let the thoughts do their thang without me. I registered some stomach pains and bone aches.  My heart beat felt strong in my chest, I felt like I could both hear it and feel its vibrations. Along with my feet it was a helpful focal point.

Around 5:30 I began to feel very hungry (I usually eat at 9-10am), and then suddenly was besieged by intense abdominal cramps and an overwhelming urge to use the toilet. I made three separate trips in rapid succession. It was an explosive situation and I was just glad to have made it to the loo in time. Afterwards I felt weirdly spent, like I'd just expended significant energy. The monkey started in on my gut health, I told it we were *not* going there. 

The hunger was mounting. Around 6am I ingested two tablespoons of coconut oil. Within 15 minutes my system felt calmer, no more hunger, diminished clamor. I watched a bit more telly, started dozing off. Fell asleep around 6:30 and slept until about 8:15. It was very difficult to wake up, took at least 20 minutes for me to properly rouse. 

I had such a pleasant dream during that late morning sleep. An actual real good dream that I enjoyed being in. Someone worthy was courting me, expressing their interest and showing affection. Whaaat??! Can't remember the last time that happened in real life. Experiencing it in the dream felt like a revelation. Imagine... being loved, accepted, desired, respected, embraced, selected, held by another human being. Truly a dream.

I would have gladly stayed in that dream a while longer, but its nourishment did stay with me into the morning. 

I got up, cooked, ate, showered, dressed. Left the house and went crosstown to meet with my father and stepmother. It was okay. I was glad to see them. I was able to not get sucked in to my stepmother's negativity. I was able to dodge my father's barbs and not bite the hook (shout-out to Pema C.!). My father's face is the ever-changing weather atop a tall mountain. I am a high-altitude meteorologist. I can read and predict his mood swings before he himself is aware of them. Thanks, childhood trauma skillset. Today some storms brewed and passed and gathered again. I managed to stay within myself and not react out of fear or anxiety, even though they were there. The last time I'd seen him, about three weeks ago, he'd said something abusive. I'd been unable to control my reaction and wound up asserting a boundary. That is always dangerous with him, few things trigger him as much as when I stand up for myself. He became abusive, punishing, and spiraled into physical intimidation. I'd been unprepared for an altercation and scrambled to deescalate in a constructive way, without feeding into a toxic dynamic. His hostility overpowered my efforts and knocked the wind out of me. I felt fear and trauma flood my senses and eventually managed to get myself home. I spent days in bed recuperating, navigating my trauma reaction of shame and blaming myself for having been unable to control my reaction (I know better than to assert boundaries) and set him off. Withdrawal can exacerbate the painful experience of such incidents.

In a funny way it ended up showing me how far I've come in terms of withdrawal recovery. A few years ago there were episodes of violence that took me weeks, even months for my system to calm down from. This time it was a matter of days. For good measure I avoided him for some weeks after that, and prior to seeing him today I did notice a whiff of trepidation, an alertness being signaled from within. But it was okay. I was on guard (as I always am), and succeeded in keeping it together. It was not an unpleasant visit. I appreciated being in their company, and extricated myself in time before I became too tired to stay in control. 

It can be difficult. Due to withdrawal I'm financially dependent on my father. I'm grateful for the support and at the same time it can be so challenging being around him and my stepmother and their respective toxicities. It's rough on my nervous system to handle how my father can turn on a dime and explode, how abusive he can be, how unpredictable and irrational and narcissistic (etc.). It's not a healing environment. I get a lot of practice trying to stay in my body and not engage with destructive dynamics, not get baited into traps. Even when it goes well it's generally draining, it can feel like their egos are energy vampires circling me, waiting to sink their teeth in. 

I don't hold it against them. I know it's just their damage showing. We all have our own singular "brain injuries" to deal with, be they chemical, structural, experiential (trauma)... I wish them healing and peace. 

Relieved to be home, though. Glad to crawl into bed and rest.  

 

*

 

Omg. A tiny miracle just happened. When I clicked "submit reply" to post the above, it all disappeared and I received an error message notifying me I'd been logged off the site. It was a bummer to think I'd lost so much text. A few clicks and a login later, turns out what I'd written was saved. Dunno how or why but it feels like a gift. Hallelujah! 

 

 

[Ariel]

oh yeah, i wanna remember this: i wore dark glasses today the whole time i was with my family (i.e. indoors). i feel it helped keep me calm-ish. kept the stimulation to a manageable amount, maybe. 

[Ariel]

Yesterday crawled into bed after dinner. Got sleepy watching telly, dozed off. Slept from about 6:30-8:45pm (pretty unusual). Solid sleep. Woke up just in time to take my 9pm melatonin dose. Didn't know whether my long, awkwardly timed nap would effect falling asleep for the night, noticed some anxiety trickle through about that, tried to distract myself and ignore. I wore dark glasses so as to avoid any undue light stimulation. A few unsuccessful attempts to fall asleep. Ended up awake until about 12:30am. Slept approx. 12:30-4:30am. Troubling dreams in the early hours but not full-on panic-attack nightmares. Some anxiety and rumination upon waking, not as bad as the past few days. Wore dark glasses only, hoping to maybe fall asleep again later. Good rest from about 6:30-7:30am (not sleep but deep restful state). Got up, lots of thoughts and anticipatory anxiety about the day ahead, plans for the week, etc. 

 

Probable external contributing factors to increased agitation: visit/interaction with father and stepmother; pollen season (taxing to my system, affecting light tolerance, gut sensitivity, etc.); dealing with my mother regarding some practical matters; life change brewing in the background. 

In addition, yesterday I somehow wound up listening to a podcast interview with someone whose work I respect and admire. I wanted to hear what she had to say, bc she's brilliant, but I underestimated how upsetting the topic would be (won't mention or go into it here in case it's triggering to anyone else). I should've turned it off but didn't, and afterwards I felt it had been a mistake. I don't follow the news (haven't done in years), I'm not on social media, I'm pretty consistent and diligent about shielding myself from that sort of noise. Very selective about the entertainment media I do consume, incl. podcasts. This one got away from me. I think overall I need to be a bit more careful for a while as my system is clearly going through some heightened sensitivity these days. 

 

 

 

[Ariel]

Forgot to include a very relevant element. I'm about one week away from getting my period, so entering premenstrual phase. This time of my cycle has typically brought heightened sensitivity and increased intensity of symptoms, so it makes perfect sense.  

[Ariel]

Originally posted this in a help topic but am reposting here in intro thread for my own easy future reference. 

 

I eat a simple, bland, whole-foods diet. Basically my meals consist of homemade bone broth (or meat stock) with lightly cooked or steamed vegetables, and a bit of meat. For meat I mostly eat offal (organ meat), ruminant meat, poultry, fish, and eggs. All organic, grass-finished, free-range,  pasture-raised, etc.; biodynamic when available. Mild seasoning using salt, pepper, sometimes apple cider vinegar. I generally follow low-FODMAP guidelines. I drink boiled water. For oil I use raw coconut oil and animal fat (the latter skimmed from homemade broth). 

 

Eliminated: sugar, dairy, gluten, grains (incl. pseudo-grains), peanuts, nightshades, fruit, vegetable oils, processed foods, caffeine, alcohol, nicotine, artificial sweeteners, pork, shellfish, tea, herbal infusion. (I think that's the complete list but I may be forgetting something.)

 

I can eat small amounts of organic, raw nuts that I have prepared myself. They must be soaked 8-12 hours in lukewarm salt water, then thoroughly dried at low temperature.

 

Currently it's pollen season, and since I've got pollen allergies, I am particularly mindful around my vegetable and nut intake. There are many vegetables, nuts, and fruit (I no longer eat fruit but include it here for good measure) which can cause reactions in pollen allergy sufferers. This cross-reactivity can occur year-round but marked reactions are usually more likely during pollen season. In my case the cross-reactivity is barely noticeable outside of pollen season but at this time of year my sensitivity increases. I manage this via portion control (i.e. smaller quantities of "risky" foods) as well as being extra selective about intake. I also track pollen levels using an app and monitor myself for signs of systemic agitation, activation, or fatigue. For example, when certain pollen varieties peak I tend to avoid nuts entirely, as they can be particularly triggering. I accept that this is just how it is in the springtime. 

 

No doubt it's a pretty restrictive diet. It's been this way for a couple of years. I figured it out along the way via trial and error. It works for me in withdrawal. As long as it helps with symptom management I'm grateful. 

 

My "vice" is coconut. I tolerate it in small quantities, but when I do eat it I have difficulty limiting myself because it's so delicious! 

[Ariel]

Current approximate daily meal and sleep rhythm, posting for my own easy future reference.

 

btwn 8-9am - breakfast (sometimes a little later, sometimes a little earlier, depending on hunger)

around 1pm - snack (optional, sometimes I skip this if I'm not hungry)

btwn 3-4pm - dinner (sometimes a little later, sometimes a little earlier, depending on hunger)

 

I try to eat my last meal of the day no later than 4pm, and at the latest by 5pm.  

 

9pm - take 2 mg melatonin

 

usually fall asleep sometime between 9:30pm-10:30pm.  

 

It's a loose schedule that allows for more-or-less 16:8 intermittent fasting (which I find helpful in withdrawal) and plenty of digestion time btwn dinner and melatonin/sleep. 

I do not exert myself after approx. 6pm -- no stimulating activities, no going out. I save errands and social stuff for 8am-5pm, that's my timeframe for being out in the world. I don't check emails, phone, or engage in that sort of communication after approx. 1-2pm. I try to do that stuff in the morning, so that in case something upsets me (common in withdrawal) I've got the rest of the day to settle down before evening bedtime routine. 

Basically I structure my whole day, incl. meals and activities (both timing and content), in support of sleep. 

 

This has been the general structure for a long while now. It sort of just developed organically during the past few years of withdrawal. I try not to get rigid about it, it's important to me that I don't feel I'm imposing a schedule on myself. I don't want the idea of a plan to interfere with my listening to my body. At the same time, with so many long withdrawal days one after the other, stretching out for years on end, it feels supportive to have a rhythm of some sort. Makes things feel a little bit less chaotic. It's a little dance between structure and freedom and allowing for whatever comes up, what is. 

[LunaLex]

You are amazing. Not just because of your self awareness of possible contributing factors to sensitized system and how to navigate and when to be more careful and gentle with yourself.. but your handling of the relationships in your life .. and handling of life.

 

As someone with complicated father dealings and financial semi reliance, that relationship can be weighty. Protecting yourself from reacting to the toxicity takes a lot of work, patience and control that is inspiring. I am glad you managed to appreciate the company even through the tiring emotional obstacle course, having people to talk to can be a good anchor from getting lost in ourselves. And to recognise the healing in how far you have come. 

 

But most of all im impressed by your handling of the monkey mind. The anchoring of your attention in your body and even using the pounding heart.. How! How long did it take you not to react to that with fear and find the mind, let alone be comfortably present in your body. You are an expert navigator through this and reading your posts, absorbing stories on your ability to adjust, to accept and to live is a little like a lighthouse sometimes, for those of us who are still adrift in the storm. 

 

I know that may be scary to you, to think about when you still struggle. I hope it is not upsetting, I hope it brings you pride to think about what you have learnt and ways you do manage. 

 

I'm hoping for more dreams of the delicious, loving kind for you and perhaps more non sleep spoiling dozes.

[Ariel]

Whoa nelly.

 

Back from grocery shopping. Classic stress markers. Got there, the buzzing humming sounds of the supermarket were intense, I had the feeling they were amplified several times over compared to usual (I'm sure they were exactly the same). No kale. NO. KALE. My system did not like this surprise one bit. Its displeasure was so complete it made me giggle. Withdrawal will have you (and me) know that fresh organic kale is a staple of my diet. I eat at least 1 kg of it per week. It is vital to my ever-dwindling roster of safe foods, as it is entirely unproblematic. It's only a problem when it is NOT AVAILABLE. (etc.) Hahaha!

 

I was at the cashier with all my items on the checkout, the cashier was already scanning them, when I realized I'd forgotten my wallet at home. This doesn't happen, it probably hasn't happened in years. I had carefully prepared before leaving the house, had placed it on the little shelf by the door. Luckily I am friendly with the cashier, who was kind enough to offer to hold my groceries in her little cubicle so that I could go home to fetch my wallet. That's what we did, it was fine. Thank you, kind cashier. You always make my Mondays so much better. 

 

My street is being repaved. Who knows why. Maybe some municipal pencil-pusher in an upwardly mobile vehicle encountered a bump that posed a personal affront to their shiny new car's price point promises and they got offended and decided to balance/blow their budget in favor of smoothing out our neighborhood kinks. I find these kind of unnecessary cosmetic "improvements" an offensive misallocation of taxes. But I digress. The construction site is noisy and smelly and my system does not enjoy it. Today (this week, judging from the signage) the work is being done on my street and the two adjacent streets, so on either side. Asphalt on my senses!*

 

On the bright side (from behind my dark glasses) I got twice the exercise I'd anticipated. And I have a good excuse to go on a kale run tomorrow (probably too tired to do it later today). I love me a goal-oriented, highly specific errand. It motivates me, which is a great pleasure amidst the general withdrawal cognitive porridge of purpose-less-ness. It is so mushy to go through life aimlessly and without much feeling. Even if it's just a complex neurological illusion, meaning-making matters. I'm going to plan a kale gathering (hunting?) expedition, feels fun!

 

Will rest now. 

 

*I do not subscribe to the convention that one must apologize for one's puns. I do not repent. Puns are objectively delightful and universally beloved, are they not? They should be. 

[Faure]

3 hours ago, Ariel said:

My street is being repaved. Who knows why. Maybe some municipal pencil-pusher in an upwardly mobile vehicle encountered a bump that posed a personal affront to their shiny new car's price point promises and they got offended and decided to balance/blow their budget in favor of smoothing out our neighborhood kinks. I find these kind of unnecessary cosmetic "improvements" an offensive misallocation of taxes

🤣🤣🤣🤣 you must write a book!!!

 

I hope you find kale tomorrow ☺️xxx

 

ps I missed the post about the response from the psychotherapist - I’m happy for you got a response and acknowledgment. Have you heard of / seen medicating normal?

[Ariel]

yesterday fell asleep sometime around 6:15-6:30pm, slept soundly until 7:20pm. (it's that pesky pollen, same thing every year.) wore dark glasses and was careful the rest of the evening. lay down for sleep around 10pm, felt like it took a while to fall asleep, longer than usual. some anxiety percolated around that, i focused on breathing and feeling sensations in my body. i don't know when i fell asleep. 

woke up at 3:40am. anxiety, rumination, unease. listened to podcasts for an hour and a half. it was interesting, in one episode the hosts were talking about a tightrope walker and the mere mention of funambulism brought on inner flutters. i actually felt vicarious vertigo and fear just from hearing verbal descriptions. this has happened often throughout withdrawal, it's like my brain's ability to distinguish btwn "reality" and "simulation" is highly compromised. the boundaries are very thin. emotional contagion as physiological phenomenon is prevalent. this morning was more intense than it has been for a while (goes hand in hand with increased anxiety); in general this symptom has improved compared to last year. used to be when i watched a movie scene where someone falls i'd feel the pit of my stomach get sucked up into my throat (to name one example). hyperactive mirror neurons? 

in addition to this bodily identification with the subject matter of the podcast, one of the people had the same name as my abusive ex-, which affected me. i was in an abusive relationship for 10 years, fraught with emotional, psychological, verbal, sexual violence; it finally ended around the time i went off drugs. no surprise that trauma from that relationship has been one of the recurring themes of the withdrawal content feed (especially given numerous instances of ex's stalking over the past years, which has felt scary and invasive and retraumatizing). hearing their name come up multiple times on the podcast this morning was triggering. 

feeling generally upset right now, registering emotional, cognitive, physical signs of distress. breathing through it. 

[Ariel]

@TentacleFinn

Thank you so much for your lovely message. Your kindness means the world to me. 

 

16 hours ago, TentacleFinn said:

tiring emotional obstacle course

 

Exactly, well-put. Now if only i could convert those exertions into physical fitness! 

 

16 hours ago, TentacleFinn said:

You are amazing. Not just because of your self awareness of possible contributing factors to sensitized system and how to navigate and when to be more careful and gentle with yourself.. but your handling of the relationships in your life .. and handling of life.

 

16 hours ago, TentacleFinn said:

You are an expert navigator through this and reading your posts, absorbing stories on your ability to adjust, to accept and to live is a little like a lighthouse sometimes, for those of us who are still adrift in the storm. 

 

That's not how it feels to me from/on the inside. I do not recognize myself in your words. But if what I share is of some use to you, I am grateful for that.

 

Thank you for your encouragement and support. It makes a difference. 

Love and peace to you xx

 

[Ariel]

@Faure

Thanks for stopping by! How are ya?

 

Yes, the kale mission. Something to look forward to. 

 

Yes, I've seen "Medicating Normal". Impressively well-made and important. 

 

Take care, wishing you a peaceful day <3

[Ariel]

oof. i am experiencing pain. 

[Faure]

Sorry you have been triggered and are upset and in pain. I hope as the day goes on it recedes and you start to feel a little better. 

[Ariel]

Thank you, @Faure  Your kindness means the world. Thank you for being (t)here. 

[Ariel]

This morning, cont.: 

Managed to rest from 7-8:15am. May have dozed a little, in small increments.

 

It's 1pm. I've kept my dark glasses on the whole day thus far. Maybe it's calming or at least actively non-excitatory (i do not have a control clone whom i can outfit with regular glasses to see how their state compares). There was a months-long period a few years ago when I exclusively wore dark glasses, back when my vision issues were peaking, incl. light sensitivity; but I don't remember what effect that had on anxiety, panic, etc. How much of my time is spent remembering/rediscovering/relearning what I already know and have forgotten... Honestly if i remembered everything i'd have nothing to do with myself. Haha, double meaning

 

No appetite during the morning, some mild nausea. Sadness, grief. Felt okay as I was able to be more or less present with it.

 

Drafted a letter for a mass email informing friends and acquaintances that I'm going through withdrawal syndrome. I don't know whether I'll ever send it. I wish I could snap my fingers and have people magically just be aware. I hate putting it in writing or even speaking about it long-distance, it feels so vulnerable and I really miss having that embodied connection of another human receiving the information. I need to experience my message being received by an empathic face. (I am tempted to go on a rant about contemporary technology and alienation and loss, etc., but I'm stopping myself.) However, the reality is that I all my relationships and friendships, such as they are (not great!) are long-distance, and if I don't get this said by phone or in writing, it will not be communicated. At this point I feel most old bonds undone and don't particularly care to keep in touch with the majority of people. It's just that I feel a duty to get the word out there that PAWS exists and to warn people about these drugs; and an obvious way to do that is to at the very least share a bit of my story with the people I have access to. Many amongst my social contacts have themselves taken psychiatric medication or are still taking it, or have siblings/parents/children who take it. This information is relevant to them. 

At the same time I have no friends -- not a one -- with whom I feel safe being entirely unguarded and unapologetically vulnerable with. This was the case before withdrawal, too, but has evidently only been intensified as a result of illness. So if I do send out such a "public service message" notice, I want to be careful about how I phrase it in order to afford myself some basic protection. I have no control over the response. The other thing that makes it tricky to write, and something that needs editing from today's draft, is that I'm very much on the inside of the issue now. My head is spinning with my new truth, and I find it very hard to remember what it was like once upon a time when I knew nothing about this. I didn't learn these things overnight, it wasn't like the scales fell from my eyes (haha, maybe that's what withdrawal-related vision issues are). It was a slow and steady awakening. I'm not sure how to address people who are still "in the system". Of course I can only ever attempt to communicate from where I stand, but obviously I formulated things differently to you here on the "inside" than to someone on the "outside". It's a matter of striking a balance. Especially because it's hard not to get emotional about the subject, and when my emotions come through the writing rapidly grows alarmist. That was my contention with the email I sent to my therapist; my criticism is that it's too emotional and over-the-top. That sort of tone might put people off and obscure the facts and truth of what is being stated. People react emotionally, that goes for me and for my "audience". 

Fortunately this can wait. There is no rush (any sense of urgency is false and fueled exclusively by anxiety/stress monkey). I'm going to wait until I am able to revise the draft aiming for a more measured delivery. Or maybe I will never revise it nor send it. Whatever. Salient point: I'm gonna wait.

 

Ate my first meal around 12:30pm. Not that hungry, gained some appetite while eating. 

 

I feel so grateful for this forum. Thank you for being a safe space. Honestly it's life-changing. 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

[Happy2Heal]

just a quick and probably unnecessary warning about telling others about your withdrawal from someone who did it all wrong LOL
I did NOT consider my audience and didn't realize just how many people are on pysch drugs and how many (virtually ALL) who believe the chemical imbalance theory that is still being used to soothe the nerves of ppl who are uncomfortable (at first) with the idea of taking these drugs, and many ppl on these drugs esp the ADs feel defensive if you say anything at all negative about them.

 

I am sure you are too thoughtful to really worry about making the mistakes that I did- I was very emotional, and very angry (having been lied to and abused by the system for most of my life)  so the message I had came across as alarmist (I think I wanted it to, I was appalled at what had happened to me and wanted to save others from a similar fate) 

 

The few people who believed me were those who went thru it themselves. No one else believed that the kind of hell I went thru in WD was possible.  I did convince 2 people to put off making the decision to start ADs and to try other things (CBT , getting more sun, not eating so much simple carbs, and exercise, all things proven to help depression)

 

21 minutes ago, Ariel said:

I feel so grateful for this forum. Thank you for being a safe space. Honestly it's life-changing. 

 

 me too me too

I wish I had more time but lately things have gotten hectic, that is to say that my life recently improved again, and I find that I have reached an even higher plane of healing

will need to update my thread about that, but for now, there's no time to do so 

 

plus there is so much you have written that I want to comment on but it will have to wait til things slow down

 

just know that I am thinking of you, read all your posts and am with you in spirit

I enjoy your writing so much

You put into words things I am not able to and our experiences are quite similar in many respects

 

you are doing so well, I hope you are proud of yourself for continuing on and helping others at the same time you are struggling with your own stuff

 

you are a wonderful person, I wish I could meet  you in real life, I wish you were my neighbor, we could hang out

 

[Ariel]

I feel such a heavy burden of responsibility to get the word out. This must be related to when I feel heightened/neuro-emotive anxiety. In moments when I feel better I feel more connected to a sense of trust around everything. On a good day I still feel like I want to help the cause but my perspective feels more grounded, I have less of a sense of urgency and more of a sense of all things in due time. Have to put my own oxygen mask on first, etc. I guess part of my stress pattern is wanting to save everyone else (rescuer role in codependency model). An ego response of disproportionate, inflated sense of my own importance. As if anything hinges on me.

It can really feel like: if anyone i know gets hurt it's my fault for not preventing it or saving them, because now i know.

I wonder whether it's also related to deeply engrained patterns of self-blame and shame from childhood trauma, that old "you abuse me, i feel guilty" thing. Some kind of twisted self-defensive, self-protective mechanism of being angry with oneself as opposed to being angry with one's actual abuser, since that was never safe. The convoluted workings of grasping for control, delusions of agency.

It's a tough one for me to feel through when it crops up, this responsibility save-the-world thing. Makes me feel like I'm failing, a lousy shirker. Of course I don't think that of anyone else. My monkey is concerned exclusively with my own shortcomings. I get its undivided attention, ain't I lucky? Dedicated to cataloguing my inadequacies, a poster primate for commitment.    

Helps to write through it. Becomes crystal clear what the underpinnings are. It's okay, I'm okay. It's just the monkey. 

I am breathing. I am feeling my feelings, the real ones that run beneath it all. 

[Ariel]

Oh hi @Happy2Heal  how lovely to "see" you!  Makes me so happy to read your words. Thank you so much for stopping by and saying hello. You've brought happy tears to my eyes. 

 

 

[Ariel]

4 minutes ago, Happy2Heal said:

my life recently improved again, and I find that I have reached an even higher plane of healing

 

Amazing to hear. I'm delighted for you! And so sweet to know that you are out there enjoying your life. 

Do you know the play/movie "Auntie Mame"? It's an older one. The eponymous character is a fabulous, cosmopolitan bon vivant (or bonne vivante, I suppose). She has this line that I often quote to myself:

Life is a banquet, and most poor suckers are starving to death! 

 

Well, I say gorge yourself, Happy2Heal! Savor all the flavors life has to offer. Soak up all those nutrients. and I wish you excellent digestion

 

8 minutes ago, Happy2Heal said:

just know that I am thinking of you, read all your posts and am with you in spirit

 

THANK YOU. This means so much. I can feel it! 

 

9 minutes ago, Happy2Heal said:

I wish I could meet  you in real life, I wish you were my neighbor, we could hang out

 

Aww... you are too lovely. I will keep your words close to my heart. 

Thank you for making my day so much better. You've really helped me!

 

And thank you, also, for sharing your experiences regarding communication with others about psychiatric drugs. I respect that you reached out to warn people. It sounds like maybe you ended up fielding some unpleasant reactions, I'm sorry that your message was not met with the compassion and consideration it no doubt deserved, that you deserve. I appreciate reading your thoughts about this, makes me feel better equipped to navigate whatever it is I may be in for when I get there. 

 

Sending you a big big HUG, neighbor ;-)  

and i look forward to reading your update one day when you feel inspired to write it. In the meantime I am just happy for you, and buoyed to know you are out there making trouble having a blast!!  

<3

 

 

[Happy2Heal]

5 minutes ago, Ariel said:

t can really feel like: if anyone i know gets hurt it's my fault for not preventing it or saving them, because now i know.

I wonder whether it's also related to deeply engrained patterns of self-blame and shame from childhood trauma, that old "you abuse me, i feel guilty" thing. Some kind of twisted self-defensive, self-protective mechanism of being angry with oneself as opposed to being angry with one's actual abuser, since that was never safe. The convoluted workings of grasping for control, delusions of agency.

wow can I relate to this!

 

I was and sometimes still am, worried about getting the word out, wanting to save others, etc 

I forgot that most people who know me see me as a mentally ill person, because I held that label for so so long and believed it  myself

so all along, what I say has been suspect, because, you know, she's mentally ill..........

I was labelled schizophrenic and bipolar and others, but friends would choose the label that fit their view of me, Most went with bipolar because I am more emotional than they are, I guess?

 

so me going off meds terrified a lot of them and most of them still cling to the idea that I still have an illness but now choose not to be responsible and be medicated for it *groan*

 

some have seen that I am different, better, etc, but if I happen to say something that ruffles their feathers or that they disagree with, out comes the mental illness label and I am dismissed

 

or worse but I dumped the "friends' that did that!!

 

I agree that the word needs to get out but we are fighting the massive power of Big Pharma and the way they have brainwashed the world, so it's a big scary fight- getting the truth out

 

I think speaking our truth as calmly as we can under the circumstances is a good idea in theory but not something I personally can do

I was too injured by these drugs and that system to see any of this any other way but very emotionally

I lost a big chunk of my life to that

 

 

oh dear I missed my bus! that's ok, there's another one in a bit

 

I will try to come back later today or tomorrow 

hopefully I will be more clear headed now

It amazes me how clear headed you are! 

I sadly think i may have some damage cognitively due to the long term psych drug use

 

[arbor]

What a wonderful conversation.  Thank you!  In my experience people do NOT want to hear about these drugs.  I realize it's simplistic to say they want to believe their doctors, and in their doctors--after all, who are we to question the enormous medical world.  Some people I shared with who are on the drugs would ask for more information, but then say, "I'm not worried that this will happen to me."  This brings up Peter Breggin's term, Medication Spell binding:  

 

"In summary, medication spellbinding or intoxication anosognosia leads the victim to underestimate the degree of his (or her) drug-induced mental impairment. It also causes him to fail to recognize that the drug plays a role in his changed mental state or behavior." 

Intoxication Anosognosia: The Spellbinding Effect of ...

https://www.benzo.org.uk › amisc › bregginspell

 

 

It feels like being in a sci-fi movie.  Very, very sadly, some people I know over 65 are now having those problems associated  with long-term use in older people:  multiple falls, eye problems, beginnings of dementia.  They've even tried to begin tapering, but the brain zaps, etc--the whole prospect of w/d--is at this point too overwhelming.

 

I have had some very challenging experiences in my life.  Nothing has been harder than these dark years of w/d.  Without SA I wonder how I could make it this far.  Still, I'm showing signs of improvement.  And I'm so glad to be off psychotropics. 

 

Your strength gives me strength.  Thank you 💜

Sending you hugs @Arieland @Happy2Heal

 

 

 

[Ariel]

5:15pm. Feeling okay. Psychospiritually winded from the day's work. It's funny how in withdrawal one can feel exhausted as if from trekking across the tundra, when really only one hour has passed and literally no outer-world events have occurred, one has just been cowering on the couch the whole time. Today feels like it's been a long one. Not too bad, though. In this moment I am okay. And the day comprised countless moments of being okay. 

 

Gratitude 

- KALE. Yup. Got 1kg fresh kale in my kitchen looking gorgeous and green. 

- Delicious food: chicken liver and roast turkey; fresh fish with seaweed. I give thanks to the animals whose lives nourish mine. I give thanks to my parents for their financial support which allows me to purchase and prepare nutritious sustenance for myself. 

- Picked up clean laundry from the drying racks in the basement; folded and put away. (Shameless overachievement, I know.)

- Was able to donate all my unused supplements (there were so many) to a holistic health practitioner to further distribute among her underprivileged clients. Made me feel so good. Had such a lovely interaction with her, too. 

- Dark glasses with prescription lenses. So helpful. 

- Had a nice, brief phone call with someone in regards to a practical matter. Their friendly, easy tone was soothing. 

- The construction outside my window has let up for today. Ah. The contrast really highlights the sweetness. 

- SA community support! With extra special thank you @TentacleFinn@arbor@Faure@Happy2Healand everyone else for your compassionate words and encouragement. Your messages mean the world to me. I cannot adequately express what a difference it makes to know I am not alone. Your kindness lightens my load. Not least, thank you for your shining example(s) which help me find my way when I feel lost. 

- Today's challenges offered some healing perspective. I felt better able to be present with what was/is. Feels like a good sign.

- A lesson from a past wave kept me company today: you cannot spell "wave" without "a-w-e". Gave me something to meditate on. Every encounter with the unknown is an invitation to dance with mystery. If that sounds fancy or highfalutin I don't mean it that way. On days like today a dance move might look a lot like grunting and groaning my way out of bed (hunched over, clutching my lower back, psoas tight, grace incarnate), or convincing myself that sitting down on the toilet and making it back up again counts as a squat, therefore I have successfully completed multiple bodyweight strength training circuits. A-w-e practice means recognizing that I have no control and surrendering to what is, the sublime beyond-me. Most everything's beyond me, honestly. I understand diddly, if anything. 

 

Oh yeah, I keep forgetting to include this symptom. Lots of random sweating, both cold and hot. Some trembling that comes and goes. A sense of temperature dysregulation. 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

[LunaLex]

You have had a huge day. Emotionally and in kale and laundry. Give yourself a hug and some coconut oil and a warm blanket. 

 

I respect you wanting to warn others and worrying. I too come from a save others first background. But don't burn yourself out to do so. As someone still "half in" and half out (long explanation there) if you need a proofread please let me know!

 

I love the gratitude list. I have been thinking of doing that too, to remind myself of improvements I do see and not drown in symptom lists.

 

As I was writing this to you Luna trotted over and curled up in my lap. So her gentle cuddles go out to you. xx

[Ariel]

Yesterday fell asleep sometime btwm 9:30-10pm. Woke up at 1am. Slightly activated, tinnitus. Manageable. 

Fell back asleep around 3am maybe? Not sure. Woke up at 6am. Rested fitfully btwn 7:30-8:15am.

 

 

 

[Ariel]

Uneventful day. Felt a bit restless, a bit bored. Better overall than the past few days. Miraculously the construction outside my window is finished. Street repaved and repainted. What a welcome surprise that they finished so quickly!

 

Sometimes on better days what can be tricky is that I feel just well enough to do something, and there's nothing to do. Makes me feel a bit stir-crazy at times, exacerbates the loneliness and isolation and social structural challenges of my life and lack thereof. It's that withdrawal normal limbo where the suffering is not acute and also there's still too much wonkiness and instability to make any big changes. It's okay. I'm here now. Today I tried to just enjoy the relative calm compared to the past few days' antsiness and wobble. I've felt pretty tired as sleep has been funky. 

 

Was hit with cravings btwn approx. 11-12. That was interesting, it had been weeks since their last visit. Probably menses-cycle related. That and boredom. 

 

In the afternoon my mother stopped by. I am so ready to no longer be dependent on my parents and be well and make my own way in the world and never have to see either of them ever again if I don't want to. I dream of an independent adult life away from the stress of toxic family dynamics. I pray that this will be possible for me someday. Feeling trapped in abusive/unhealthy patterns with my parents while being reliant on them for my day-to-day survival at my advanced age is probably my number one non-drug-induced SI trigger. (Not that I felt overwhelmed by that today, just sharing.) It's such a no-way-out feeling, combined with deep, vast, complex shame around my age and social situation and feeling like I'm not a viable person, fear of never belonging or being able to contribute to the world in any meaningful way. Blech. The salient point being, I blame my mother. Lol  (Gratitude: Thanks, mom, what would my pointer finger do without you.) Kept my dark glasses on the whole time I was with her; feel like it helped mute my displeasure. It's a good marker of my healing progress that my ability to control myself around her is improving. I feel expanded capacity to float and not react to the bullsh*t (mine and hers). 

Feels like my parents are the final frontier of my unpatienting. The finish line is not yet in sight but I have to have faith I'll get there someday. I have no choice but to trust. Bc if I don't trust I just can't stand it. So I trust. And pray.

 

Turning in for the evening. Made it through another day. One more down, X to go. 

Goodnight everyone. Thank you for being here. 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

[Ariel]

Oh yeah, how could I forget. Went for a walk today. I've been slowly trying to get out more and walk, focusing on consistency over quantity. Most of the time this is combined with an errand, as that's somehow easier for me. I experience such stubborn internal resistance to leaving the house, it can really feel like something out of an animated movie where there is a force field blocking me from the outside. When I have a tangible goal of the go- fetch/hunter-gatherer variety it is the one thing that can simulate some semblance of a sense of urgency and override the force field. Much harder to do when the purpose is a walk in the park, as much as I want to walk in the park, it is not easy to accomplish. Something about it makes me feel naked to the elements of my mind, the monkey just hoots and hollers the whole way, jeering. With every step there is screaming, THIS IS SO BORING, I AM SO BORED, TAKE ME HOME NOW, etc. It's really striking and rather bizarre. (I wonder whether this is a similar mechanism to what many members describe as withdrawal-related agoraphobia?) It's exceedingly challenging to be outside and just be. As much as I would want to, and I do want to. Today my mother kindly agreed to accompany me. Thank you, mother. It was helpful, even though we spent the first half of the walk quarreling, and the second half of the walk in silence recovering from the argument. (Sigh. What can I say. It is what it is.) (I'm constantly asking for not-talking and no-conversation bc I prefer the silence and my CNS needs it but I guess she forgets or doesn't understand, and then she starts talking and at some point I snap and then she gets offended and takes it personally and sulks and I feel like I have to fix it and then I end up sorta saving and nurturing her blah blah blah so on and so forth. I am trying really hard to give myself a pass while in withdrawal, but it's hard witnessing my shortcomings and not being my best self. For the record before I was in withdrawal I was able to maintain healthy behavior/boundaries on my end and I could, for the most part, rest easy in my own individuation. Withdrawal has brought regression and decompensation; i really hope it's temporary.) Ugh sorry for the digression i'm tired. It's amazing how my whole body blazes with shame when I talk about my mother, it really is so taboo on an almost cellular level. I feel like the worst person in the world for complaining about her, i.e. being honest about how I feel. The good thing is she helped me by going out with me for a walk, and it was good to walk in the park. Haha it's making me laugh so hard right now seeing how this paragraph is like choosing between walk-with-monkey or walk-with-mother, lol 

[Happy2Heal]

3 hours ago, Ariel said:

Haha it's making me laugh so hard right now seeing how this paragraph is like choosing between walk-with-monkey or walk-with-mother, lol 

sometimes walking with mother IS walking with monkey

 

sorry I couldn't resist *giggle* 

 

if you met my mother you'd understand. lol

 

I hope yours is not as bad as mine was. I cut off most contact with my mom when I was in my early 30s. (so she was in her 50s)

When she got cancer in her early-mid 60s I did connect with her again, and went to see her before she died at age 70, but by then she had very little effect on me. I did not cry when she died. I didn't feel much of anything to be honest.

 

My mom would not have done what yours is. I think that may make the relationship more complicated for you. And explain why you feel you can't complain about her. But regardless of how beneficial it is for you to receive her support, that does not mean she is doing it for your benefit. She may be doing it for hers, to stay connected to you, fearing or even knowing that you'd have no other reason to have anything to do with her otherwise. IDK obviously, but it's absolutely OK to say how you feel. It's always ok to be honest about your feelings, but sometimes (or maybe most times)  it's prudent to be careful who you share those feelings with.