Jump to content
SurvivingAntidepressants.org is temporarily closed to new registrations until 1 April ×

Ariel

Recommended Posts

  • Mentor

Hello, glad you had a better day yesterday. Sorry about the situation with your parents. I’m sure that one day you will heal enough to be able to care for yourself financially and in the meantime you are not destitute. That doesn’t mean to say I don’t hear how difficult it is for you to be financially reliant on them and have to see them. Sounds like you are handling a very tricky situation really well. 
 

I hear you about being able to do more but not having anything to do! As I am getting more energy I too can do more but don’t have things to do. That’s because I haven’t been able to plan for 2 years as I’ve never known how I’ll be feeling. The only non negotiable activity has been work. It’s very early days of me being able to do more but maybe soon I can make some plans!

 

Have you heard of Meet-up? It’s a super place to meet like minded people, you might not feel anywhere near ready for it atm but perhaps something to consider for the future….

 

I hope you have another good day today ☺️

am not a medical professional. I provide information and make suggestions based on my own experience and SA guidelines. I am unable to respond to private messages. 

Mirtazepine 15mg Nov 2018 -April 2019  April - Sept 2019 Mirtazepine down to around 6mg - skipping days to taper

October 2019 - Dec 2019 unwell from failed taper including jumping about in doses 

15 December 2019 to 13 June 2021 15mg Mirtazepine 

14 June 2021 started brass monkey Slide.  
2021: 23 August 12.3mg, 28 October 11.1mg, 6 Dec 10mg

2022: 12 Feb 8.5, 25 Oct 4.5mg

2023: 16 Jan 3.6mg, 28 Sept 1.8mg

Link to comment

@Happy2Heal

 

Thank you so much for your compassionate message. I feel understood and accepted (not judged) and that is so very healing. 

 

10 hours ago, Happy2Heal said:

sometimes walking with mother IS walking with monkey

 

Ain't that the truth... Lol 

Sometimes it's walking with my monkeys and mother's monkeys and her mother's monkeys, and on and on... just a whole traveling caravan infinite-ring circus sort of situation! 

 

11 hours ago, Happy2Heal said:

But regardless of how beneficial it is for you to receive her support, that does not mean she is doing it for your benefit. She may be doing it for hers, to stay connected to you, fearing or even knowing that you'd have no other reason to have anything to do with her otherwise.

 

Thank you ever so much for this, Happy2Heal. I don't want to go into it too much here, but suffice it to say, it feels really deeply healing that you acknowledge and recognize this. Thank you so much for your kindness, non-judgmental support, and wisdom. And not least your honesty and generosity in sharing about your own experience. 

Family dynamics are so endlessly complicated, aren't they?

There are some relationships we are just better off without, and that has nothing to do with love or lack thereof. 

At the end of the day it's a boundary issue. 

 

Love and gratitude to you 

 

 

 

1996-2018 - misc. polypharmacy, incl. SSRIs, SNRIs, neuroleptics, lithium, benzos, stimulants, antihistamines, etc. (approx. 30+ drugs)

2012-2018 - 10mg lexapro/escitalopram (20mg?)    Jan. 2018 - 10mg -> 5mg, then from 5mg -> 2.5mg, then 0mg  -->  July 2018 - 0mg

2017(?)-2020 - vyvanse/lisdexamfetamine 60-70mg    2020-2021 - 70mg down to 0mg  -->  July 2021 - 0mg

March-April 2021 - vortioxetine 5-10mg (approx. 7 weeks total; CT)  -->  April 28th, 2021 - 0mg

supplements: magnesium powder (dissolved in water) as needed throughout the day; 1 tsp fish oil w/ morning meal; 2mg melatonin 

August 1, 2022 - 1 mg melatonin

 

Courage is fear that has said its prayers.  - Karle Wilson Baker

love and justice are not two. without inner change, there can be no outer change; without collective change, no change matters.  - Rev. angel Kyodo williams

Holding multiple truths. Knowing that everyone has their own accurate view of the way things are.  - text on homemade banner at Afiya house

 

I am not a medical professional; this is not medical advice. 

Link to comment

Hi @Faure

 

2 hours ago, Faure said:

I hear you about being able to do more but not having anything to do! As I am getting more energy I too can do more but don’t have things to do. That’s because I haven’t been able to plan for 2 years as I’ve never known how I’ll be feeling. The only non negotiable activity has been work. It’s very early days of me being able to do more but maybe soon I can make some plans!

 

It's nice to hear you can relate to this. It is as you describe. 

I am so in awe of your bravery continuing to work throughout. I realize that many people do not have a choice -- as you say, it has been a non-negotiable activity -- and I'm just really impressed with the fortitude required to manage performance under pressure. I cannot imagine the effort involved and being put to the test like that on daily/regular basis. I hope you give yourself all the credit you deserve, it's a huge achievement!

 

I think you may be a bit "ahead" of me in recovery and energy levels and outer-world participation, etc. I appreciate following along and reading what you share about your experience, it inspires and encourages me to keep going.

How healing it is to witness each other along the way. Thank you for sharing your story. <3

 

 

1996-2018 - misc. polypharmacy, incl. SSRIs, SNRIs, neuroleptics, lithium, benzos, stimulants, antihistamines, etc. (approx. 30+ drugs)

2012-2018 - 10mg lexapro/escitalopram (20mg?)    Jan. 2018 - 10mg -> 5mg, then from 5mg -> 2.5mg, then 0mg  -->  July 2018 - 0mg

2017(?)-2020 - vyvanse/lisdexamfetamine 60-70mg    2020-2021 - 70mg down to 0mg  -->  July 2021 - 0mg

March-April 2021 - vortioxetine 5-10mg (approx. 7 weeks total; CT)  -->  April 28th, 2021 - 0mg

supplements: magnesium powder (dissolved in water) as needed throughout the day; 1 tsp fish oil w/ morning meal; 2mg melatonin 

August 1, 2022 - 1 mg melatonin

 

Courage is fear that has said its prayers.  - Karle Wilson Baker

love and justice are not two. without inner change, there can be no outer change; without collective change, no change matters.  - Rev. angel Kyodo williams

Holding multiple truths. Knowing that everyone has their own accurate view of the way things are.  - text on homemade banner at Afiya house

 

I am not a medical professional; this is not medical advice. 

Link to comment

Yesterday fell asleep after 10pm. Woke up at 3:40am. Heightening anxiety, suicidal ideation. Listened to audiobook, sipped magnesium water. The playback was soothing, my attention wandered in and out. After a while (a few hours maybe?) I dozed off. I let the audiobook keep playing, it was comforting to have the sound in the background. I think I slept from about 6-8am, drifting a bit (the sound of the book featured in a dream at one point). Woke up with sensations of heart pounding in chest, a feeling of unease, suicidal ideation. Logged on to SA and spent some time here reading and writing, which has helped. 

 

The sleep thing is odd. On average I'm getting significantly more hours of sleep than I used to. The tally shows 6-7, sometimes even 8 hours a night albeit disjointed. Overall the quality has improved, too -- I remember it used to be just awful; there was a time when even while asleep I felt like I was awake, i.e. I felt like I never truly slept at all, no rest for my brain ever. That was atrocious. It's much better now. There are definitely periods of actual sleep.

 

It's so interesting how sleep is experienced. I feel a big difference btwn 7 hours in one stretch (happens rarely, but it does happen) and 7 hours total divvied up in "installments". I experience a strong preference for the longer stretches (dare I dream of 8- and 9-hour nights in my future? ah what a joy that would be! always fascinated by that when people mention it in their success stories). I'm curious as to why that is, what is it our brains like so much about uninterrupted sleep? Blah blah, neither here nor there, I'm just musing aloud. It's fine. Despite my curiosity I don't read or research about sleep science bc I've found it can end up being triggering, and that's so not worth it. I'm just so glad my sleep has improved and I trust it'll continue to do so. 

1996-2018 - misc. polypharmacy, incl. SSRIs, SNRIs, neuroleptics, lithium, benzos, stimulants, antihistamines, etc. (approx. 30+ drugs)

2012-2018 - 10mg lexapro/escitalopram (20mg?)    Jan. 2018 - 10mg -> 5mg, then from 5mg -> 2.5mg, then 0mg  -->  July 2018 - 0mg

2017(?)-2020 - vyvanse/lisdexamfetamine 60-70mg    2020-2021 - 70mg down to 0mg  -->  July 2021 - 0mg

March-April 2021 - vortioxetine 5-10mg (approx. 7 weeks total; CT)  -->  April 28th, 2021 - 0mg

supplements: magnesium powder (dissolved in water) as needed throughout the day; 1 tsp fish oil w/ morning meal; 2mg melatonin 

August 1, 2022 - 1 mg melatonin

 

Courage is fear that has said its prayers.  - Karle Wilson Baker

love and justice are not two. without inner change, there can be no outer change; without collective change, no change matters.  - Rev. angel Kyodo williams

Holding multiple truths. Knowing that everyone has their own accurate view of the way things are.  - text on homemade banner at Afiya house

 

I am not a medical professional; this is not medical advice. 

Link to comment
16 hours ago, Ariel said:

It's exceedingly challenging to be outside and just be.

@ArielThe 'just being' has been really uncomfortable for me over the years. I didn't know what that was for the longest time as I felt I had to be busy and productive, although that was probably just distracting myself from 'just being' as I didn't find that comfortable.  Too much time with my own thoughts probably so i filled my time with doing as much as possible. I am getting better but I still find weekends tricky. Too much unstructured time where I feel the need to be busy but that's fighting with the need to relax and just be.

 

I go and walk quite often and mostly insist I go on my own now. I can't be doing with having to meet anyone else's needs while I'm trying to 'just be'.  Actually thinking about it, its probably because distracts from me being 'present' and in the moment at a time that its a skill I'm still practicing!

To start with I absolutely felt naked and vulnerable - like to whole world was seeing me and my thoughts - but I don't feel so much like that now. I have been less often recently but I try and push myself out most days as I know it's good for me. I do feel the benefit of it. But given that we've been told for the last 2 years that the world out there is unsafe, it's not surprising that we feel some agoraphobia.

 

I wish you lived near me as I could be your walking buddy. We could walk around the park with a hot chocolate or ice-cream and admire all the lovely doggos being walked. Or we could walk around the neighbourhood admiring peoples gardens and judging those who don't do their weeding often enough!   And i'd try reeeaaallly hard to be very very quiet 😂

Sertraline (Lustral):  2014. Sept 50mg. Oct 100mg. Dec 150mg. 2015-2019. 150mg. 2019  Apr-May 0mg. Beg May 150mg. End May 100mg. Late June 125mg. Late Aug 100mg. 2020 Jan 75mg. April 50mg.

2022  50mg. 1Jan 45mg. 1Feb 40.5mg. Water T24Feb 39.5mg. 3Mar 38.5mg. 18Mar 38mg. 25Mar 37.5mg. 22Apr 37mg. 5May 36.5mg. 18May 36mg. 1Jun 35.3mg. 15Jun 34.5mg.  30Jun 34mg. 15Jul 33.5mg. 22Jul 33mg. 5Aug 32.5mg. 19Aug 32mg. 1Sept 31.5mg. 1Oct 31mg.  27 Oct 30.5. 16 Nov 30mg. 30 Nov 29.5mg. 14 Dec 29mg

2023. 2 Jan 28.5mg. 6 Feb 28mg. 10 Mar 27.5mg. 1 Apr 26.5mg. 1 May 26mg. 1 Jun 25.5mg. 1 Jul 25mg. 1 Aug 24.5mg. 17 Aug 24mg. 5 Sept 23.5mg. 9 Oct 23mg.

 

Desogestrel:  2014 -  present:  

Supplements Magnesium. 400mcg  Vitamin D. 10mcg.  Multivit/min. 1 tab. B Complex

 

Certirizine:   2022 May 10mg. Dec 20mg. 2023. 15mg.

 Omeprazole.:  2016 20mg. 2022  20mg.  15Jan 15mg. 9Feb 10mg. 25Feb 6.5mg. 15Mar 3mg. 3Apr 1.5mg.  15Apr 0mg   2023. 20mg. 15 Sept 15mg.

Link to comment
  • Mentor
2 hours ago, Ariel said:

am so in awe of your bravery continuing to work throughout

Have to be clear, that I have worked because I was up to it ☺️  When I first became unstable from a failed taper I had 4 months off.  During the pandemic which hit as I was starting to be well enough to work I was fortunate in that I could continue work from home with very few hours - that helped a lot☺️

am not a medical professional. I provide information and make suggestions based on my own experience and SA guidelines. I am unable to respond to private messages. 

Mirtazepine 15mg Nov 2018 -April 2019  April - Sept 2019 Mirtazepine down to around 6mg - skipping days to taper

October 2019 - Dec 2019 unwell from failed taper including jumping about in doses 

15 December 2019 to 13 June 2021 15mg Mirtazepine 

14 June 2021 started brass monkey Slide.  
2021: 23 August 12.3mg, 28 October 11.1mg, 6 Dec 10mg

2022: 12 Feb 8.5, 25 Oct 4.5mg

2023: 16 Jan 3.6mg, 28 Sept 1.8mg

Link to comment

@Ariel I'm not yet familiar with your whole story but I'm here to cheer you up, to tell you you are so brave for what you already accomplished (which I gathered from your drug signature, I only read your last post). The brain can take a lot of time to heal but you went already so far. Let me know if I can support you in any way on your journey. In my darkest days getting up in the morning was already a win. I woke up empty inside everyday and I knew it would be an empty day but I never lost hope I would find the "magical trick" that would improve my misery. I never gave up and I was able to regain my life again. You are also in this waiting game, waiting your brain to heal, being patient, nurturing it. I don't know if you exercise, but jogging and walking was essential in my recovery, I can't recommend that enough for brain function restoration

 And the fresh air, the sun, all that combined is so wonderfully healing. Hope your symptoms get better and you can find some windows today. We are here to support and help you in any way we can. ❤️

 

2007 - 15mg olanzapine, mood stabilizer, benzo, quetiapine 2009 - aripiprazol, benzo, lamotrigine 100mg 2015 - olzp 15mg, zolpidem 2017 - trazodone 2 weeks, cold turkey, lamotrigine and zolpidem, olzp 15mg, mood stabilizer, benzo 2018 - olzp 5mg, Nov olzp 2,5mg down directly from 5mg no symptoms 2019 - olzp 2,5mg cold turkey Jan after 12 days reinstated, Nov taper cutting pills 14 days reinstated 2,5mg 2020 - failed liquid taper, reinstated 2,5mg, 2022 - liquid taper 2,5% reductions Jan, huge crisis in May up to 30mg, tapered, reached 2,5mg in Set - decided to stop tapering and remain at 2,5mg olanzapine indefinetely.

 

Link to comment
On 2/22/2022 at 6:53 PM, Ariel said:

i clearly remember being so overmedicated that my hands were shaking non-stop, i couldn't properly hold a fork to eat or a pencil/pen to write

I'm so sorry you went through this, it made me cry and remember my own experience. I remember at my first hospitalization trying to get a slipper on and couldn't, one woman of the hospital staff treating me badly about it. People said they visited me and I talked to them and I have no recollection of that. I don't know if I can grasp what you went through you're whole life, but you are getting better, you are strong and you will pull through I am sure.

2007 - 15mg olanzapine, mood stabilizer, benzo, quetiapine 2009 - aripiprazol, benzo, lamotrigine 100mg 2015 - olzp 15mg, zolpidem 2017 - trazodone 2 weeks, cold turkey, lamotrigine and zolpidem, olzp 15mg, mood stabilizer, benzo 2018 - olzp 5mg, Nov olzp 2,5mg down directly from 5mg no symptoms 2019 - olzp 2,5mg cold turkey Jan after 12 days reinstated, Nov taper cutting pills 14 days reinstated 2,5mg 2020 - failed liquid taper, reinstated 2,5mg, 2022 - liquid taper 2,5% reductions Jan, huge crisis in May up to 30mg, tapered, reached 2,5mg in Set - decided to stop tapering and remain at 2,5mg olanzapine indefinetely.

 

Link to comment
  • Mentor

 @Ariel  

Oh my dear comrade in arms...How can we highjack these monkey minds and shut them up lol----I can relate to the on going brain chatter---restless sleep- you sleep but it is tense--Ohhh to have a nice sound peaceful sleep🙄😴

You are incredibly in tune with yourself---- I wish I could have half the amount of positivity-fortitude that you have. 

 

I am reading the book The Body Keeps the Score  and I am finding some validation/explanation why I feel and act the way I do--I know that you have done a lot of work on yourself--Have you read this book?

 

I also l  feel the need to worn people about the dangers of these drugs--But my negative self doubt often steps in and tries to tell me that just maybe I am sick--

I have to remind myself to look at the evidence of what is happening to me physically--Mental illness would not make your brain burn/sizzle/freeze- or cause numbness in your face- gums swelling-dizziness weak/burning/freezing  muscles- to name a few---So hard to shut that monkey up ugh---The stuff that goes on in the mind well that is to scary to tell them about lol

 

Hang in there-🤗

https://www.survivingantidepressants.org/topic/24894-greatful-is-this-withdrawal-or-to-many-med-changes-at-once/

1995? Prozac,  tried several Paxil, Serzone, St John's Wart back to Prozac and Trazodone ct:d Traz

 Lexapro. Tried to stop Crash in 2015  Kindled   Hospitalized, Vybrid, Seroquel, Effexor, Abilify  Pristiq, Wellbutrin-- 2016  ended back on   Prozac and Lamictal 200mg

5/2020  thru 12/2020 taper from 20mg  Prozac  down to 3mg.  Crashed  12/13/2020 Zoloft 50mg 1/29ct  1/29/2021 Seroquel 50mg ct  2/12/2021 Wellbutrin 75mg.  Became hypo manic 2/1  6ct Trazodone 50mg 4/25  25mg 2/5/ 2021 Lamictal 150mg.  2/24  100mg   4/9  75mg   4/21 37.5 

2/16/2021 Seroquel 50xr  3/3 100mg  3/17  150mg  side effects ct   4/3 2021 Lexapro 5mg  4/14  7.5mg  4/30 10mg  5/10  7.5mg 

2021/ 5/16  5mg Lexapro   37.5 Lamictal   25mg trazadone,   xanax  .0625mg  3x a day   

Lexapro  Taper> Sept/01/2021  4.90mg>  Sept/25  4.75mg>   Oct/19 4.69mg > Nov/14 4.2mg    Jan/30/2022-- Split dosing 2x a day All liquid  4.2mg  (2.20mg at 8am & 2mg at 4pm) 2/17 4mg>  2/24  3.8mg  slow taper to  Aug/12/2022 2.04mg  2023> 2mg,  1.90mg, 1.80mg, 1.70mg, 1.5mg, 1.4mg, 1.3mg 1.2mg, 1.1mg, 1mg, 0.9mg, 0.8mg, 0.7mg 0.65mg, 0.6mg, 0.55mg, 0.5mg, 0.45mg, 0.4mg, 0.35mg, 0.3mg, 0.25,mg, back to once a day dosing 0 .1mg, 0.07mg

Lamictal  taper  4/17/ 2022 25mg, 9/9/ 22 -20mg, 9/25/22- 15mg , 10/20/22-   0

 Trazodone..2023.>down to 14mg, 7mg, 6mg  July 2023   0

Xanax  0.0625 3 x a day,  2023>  0.042 3x a day

Supplements  Magnesium glycinate, Omega 3, D3, vitamin c , zinc, NAC 

Link to comment

Thursday 5/5, cont.

 

early morning hours, approx. 4-6am — intense discomfort in pelvic/genital area; inklings of panic; changed the channel, it worked!  

 

late morning: important phone call  + email about potential big life change 
- reactive anxiety afterwards; tight chest, heart thump; mind racing 

 

midday - anxiety 5/10 
no appetite 

 

went to fish market, got fish bones and fish heads for broth. the fish guy hadn’t registered my pre-order but it wasn’t a problem. i felt calm, no reaction. (in contrast with the Great Kale Shortage episode on Monday) 

 

picked up a few organic veggies at the farmer’s market 

 

while running errands, meditating on tension with mother yesterday. seeing how withdrawal monkey colored my perception. feeling grateful for my mother’s patience with me. i have no idea what it’s like being around me these days/years. i imagine there are many times I am insufferable (I certainly feel that way myself). grateful to mother for not giving up, for coming back and helping as best she can. 
- upon reflection one of the principal triggers in dealing with parents is the feeling of being trapped, due to my dependence on them. i think the most pressing reactions come from, when something happens btwn us, that ensuing panic of “i am not free to get away” “I am stuck in this dysfunctional dynamic”. bc when I was a kid I was actually fundamentally stuck. 

in general feeling trapped is a huge trigger for me in all sorts of situations (cf. gym episode last month) (makes me think of how cats and other animals react if you pick them up and they don't want it, every bit of their body is focused on getting away; animals hate feeling/being trapped)

 

1pm - feeling a bit better, anxiety 3/10

 

came home, prepared stockpot to make fish bone broth 

 

ate a meal around 2pm (low appetite but it felt good to eat)

anxiety 2/10

 

did some calculations around potential life change; tricky doing arithmetic due to cognitive challenge (used to be competent at maths, this has disappeared in withdrawal), registering some feelings of sorrow, frustration, grief around withdrawal-related loss of intellectual ability; but it was manageable, generally felt okay, made it through and i think i figured out what i needed to (famous last words?!)

 

fish bone broth finished, poured into glass jars to let cool. did the dishes. 

 

feeling energized
optimistic, hopeful thoughts e.g. “I may have turned the corner,” etc. practicing non-attachment. 

 

4pm - went out for a walk. feeling okay. good pace, connecting with my feet and the ground beneath. said hello to a few familiar faces. made the acquaintance of a 15-week-old cavapoo out on her very first walk in the park! what a treat. 

today it was not a problem to leave the house, i just did it. felt the wind in my sails thanks to the support of exchanges and kindness here <3

 

5pm - back home, feeling okay. registering positive emotion. mentally cataloging markers of healing and progress. feel my system getting excited. try to breathe calm and steady. checked SA, reading lovely messages. feeling supported, feeling the joy of connection. mounting excitement bc i want to write back to everyone and feel like there is so much to say. monitoring rising sense of urgency, breathing steady, riding out the impulse. it's okay, i have plenty of time to respond. no stress. 

 

6pm - feeling a bit hyper and wired. slightly frenetic energy. 
winding down for the day. 

 

7pm - trying to watch a show. mind racing with hyperactive energy, hard to pay attention to show, feeling a bit bored and restless, also excited

sipping magnesium water 

 

*

 

my goodness, it's been a real "around the world in 80 days" jules verne withdrawal full ride many times around the carousel kinda day. phew.

i feel good about having been able to surf through it and not get caught up or bogged down. everything fluctuates and oscillates, everything is moving moving moving... this evening i am thinking about flow and chi and distribution of energy vs. stagnation and imbalances... 

i sent my mother a message telling her i love her. maybe this weekend i will cook her an extra special mother's day meal (she doesn't cook, and i love to make food for her.)

 

feeling so grateful for SA and all of you lovely people. thank you for your support. thank you for your beautiful, profound, wise, hard-won insights and kind messages and your generosity of presence, thank you for your sense of humor and making me laugh. i feel like i'm making friends and slowly becoming real (again, or maybe for the first time... like the velveteen rabbit)

thank you, healing community, goodnight <3

1996-2018 - misc. polypharmacy, incl. SSRIs, SNRIs, neuroleptics, lithium, benzos, stimulants, antihistamines, etc. (approx. 30+ drugs)

2012-2018 - 10mg lexapro/escitalopram (20mg?)    Jan. 2018 - 10mg -> 5mg, then from 5mg -> 2.5mg, then 0mg  -->  July 2018 - 0mg

2017(?)-2020 - vyvanse/lisdexamfetamine 60-70mg    2020-2021 - 70mg down to 0mg  -->  July 2021 - 0mg

March-April 2021 - vortioxetine 5-10mg (approx. 7 weeks total; CT)  -->  April 28th, 2021 - 0mg

supplements: magnesium powder (dissolved in water) as needed throughout the day; 1 tsp fish oil w/ morning meal; 2mg melatonin 

August 1, 2022 - 1 mg melatonin

 

Courage is fear that has said its prayers.  - Karle Wilson Baker

love and justice are not two. without inner change, there can be no outer change; without collective change, no change matters.  - Rev. angel Kyodo williams

Holding multiple truths. Knowing that everyone has their own accurate view of the way things are.  - text on homemade banner at Afiya house

 

I am not a medical professional; this is not medical advice. 

Link to comment
  • Moderator
11 hours ago, Ariel said:

upon reflection one of the principal triggers in dealing with parents is the feeling of being trapped, due to my dependence on them. i think the most pressing reactions come from, when something happens btwn us, that ensuing panic of “i am not free to get away” “I am stuck in this dysfunctional dynamic”. bc when I was a kid I was actually fundamentally stuck. 

Hi @Ariel

this used to be/ still somewhat is an issue for me as well - a reminder from when I was actually "stuck" and is easily triggered in various situations. In those moments it helps to think of that young child that was actually stuck with compassion, sometimes tears and realize that you are now an adult with more resources (despite the withdrawal) and that you are not actually stuck now. This is stuff I learned from IFS. 

 

I admire the energy and kindness with which you provide support here and it's so refreshing to have you on the site. Thank you! 
 

May you feel only freedom and expansion and open windows in your future, 

OMW

 

 

"Nothing so small as a moment is insurmountable, and moments are all that we have. You have survived every trial and tribulation that life has thrown at you up until this very instant. When future troubles come—and they will come—a version of you will be born into that moment that can conquer them, too." - Kevin Koenig 

 

I am not a doctor and this should not be considered medical advice. You can use the information and recommendations provided in whatever way you want and all decisions on your treatment are yours. 

 

In the next few weeks I do not have a lot of capacity to respond to questions. If you need a quick answer pls tag or ask other moderators who may want to be tagged. 

 

Aug  2000 - July 2003 (ct, 4-6 wk wd) , citalopram 20 mg,  xanax prn, wellbutrin for a few months, trazodone prn 

Dec 2004 - July 2018 citalopram 20 mg, xanax prn (rarely used)

Aug 2018 - citalopram 40 mg (self titrated up)

September 2018 - January 2019 tapered citalopram - 40/30/20/10/5 no issues until a week after reaching 0

Feb 2019 0.25 xanax - 0.5/day (3 weeks) over to klonopin 0.25 once a day to manage severe wd

March 6, reinstated citalopram 2.5 mg (liquid), klonopin 0.25 mg for sleep 2-3 times a week

Apr 1st citalopram 2.0 mg (liquid), klonopin 0.25 once a week (off by 4/14/19- no tapering)

citalopram (liquid) 4/14/19 -1.8 mg, 5/8/19 - 1.6 mg,  7/27/19 -1.5 mg,  8/15/19 - 1.35, 2/21/21 - 1.1 (smaller drops in between), 6/20/21 - 1.03 mg, 8/7/21- 1.025, 8/11/21 - 1.02, 8/15/21 - 1.015, 9/3/21 - 0.925 (fingers crossed!), 10/8/21 - 0.9, 10/18/21 - 0.875, 12/31/21 - 0.85, 1/7/22 - 0.825, 1/14/22 - 0.8, 1/22/22 - 0.785, 8/18/22 - 0.59, 12/15/2022 - 0.48, 2/15/22 - 0.43, 25/07/23 - 0.25 (mistake), 6/08/23 - 0.33mg

 

Supplements: magnesium citrate and bi-glycinate

Link to comment
  • Moderator
On 5/3/2022 at 8:41 AM, arbor said:

What a wonderful conversation.  Thank you!  In my experience people do NOT want to hear about these drugs.  I realize it's simplistic to say they want to believe their doctors, and in their doctors--after all, who are we to question the enormous medical world.  Some people I shared with who are on the drugs would ask for more information, but then say, "I'm not worried that this will happen to me."  This brings up Peter Breggin's term, Medication Spell binding:  

 

"In summary, medication spellbinding or intoxication anosognosia leads the victim to underestimate the degree of his (or her) drug-induced mental impairment. It also causes him to fail to recognize that the drug plays a role in his changed mental state or behavior." 

Intoxication Anosognosia: The Spellbinding Effect of ...

 
 
It feels like being in a sci-fi movie.  Very, very sadly, some people I know over 65 are now having those problems associated  with long-term use in older people:  multiple falls, eye problems, beginnings of dementia.  They've even tried to begin tapering, but the brain zaps, etc--the whole prospect of w/d--is at this point too overwhelming.
 
I have had some very challenging experiences in my life.  Nothing has been harder than these dark years of w/d.  Without SA I wonder how I could make it this far.  Still, I'm showing signs of improvement.  And I'm so glad to be off psychotropics. 
 
Your strength gives me strength.  Thank you 💜
Sending you hugs @Arieland @Happy2Heal
 
 
 

Oh I see this so often too @arbor

And I have to admit that in the beginning of withdrawal I had a hard time believing this as well. Admitting that you have been duped by an institution that you are fundamentally socialized to trust (doctors, police etc.) is so hard. We want to believe that the world is a good place. I am struggling with similar issues again.

 

And I find that especially more liberal people are spell bound by the medical establishment. I had a spirited argument with a dear friend on whether you could force people to be vaccinated. She cited: "science"!  But people don't realize how flawed the outputs of 'science' can be because these studies are conducted by people, not some abstract 'science' that is infallible. Then our discussion went to whether you should be able to force people into medical institutions if you *fear* they will be violent. I shudder to think what freedoms people are willing to give up for presumed safety. Part of it is they don't think they will ever be that 'out of control' and the person in distress is an 'other' that we need to distance ourselves from, a contamination of kind. I have started freely sharing my travails with everyone who will listen. I can't fight the establishment at a mega level like Alto et al. but I can try to save one person at a time - I am going through withdrawal. It is an awful experience. You will know about it. It will make you uncomfortable but maybe it will stop you from taking these drugs.  

 

I have recently met some college students who consider themselves disabled (because of ADHD) and are so proud of taking care of themselves by taking these drugs. I can see how the drug impacts their life - jitteriness, irritability, insomnia. I asked questions - do you think you are taking 'too much of your drug' etc. but they are not open to being challenged about the drugs because then they'd be challenged about the diagnosis and that they wear as a badge of honor almost, an identity of a kind. It seems to be a new trend on campuses now. I never shared with anyone who wasn't a close friend the fact that I was taking ADs. It wasn't something that was part of my identity or a source of pride. 

 

I don't know if I understand the world any more tbh. 

"Nothing so small as a moment is insurmountable, and moments are all that we have. You have survived every trial and tribulation that life has thrown at you up until this very instant. When future troubles come—and they will come—a version of you will be born into that moment that can conquer them, too." - Kevin Koenig 

 

I am not a doctor and this should not be considered medical advice. You can use the information and recommendations provided in whatever way you want and all decisions on your treatment are yours. 

 

In the next few weeks I do not have a lot of capacity to respond to questions. If you need a quick answer pls tag or ask other moderators who may want to be tagged. 

 

Aug  2000 - July 2003 (ct, 4-6 wk wd) , citalopram 20 mg,  xanax prn, wellbutrin for a few months, trazodone prn 

Dec 2004 - July 2018 citalopram 20 mg, xanax prn (rarely used)

Aug 2018 - citalopram 40 mg (self titrated up)

September 2018 - January 2019 tapered citalopram - 40/30/20/10/5 no issues until a week after reaching 0

Feb 2019 0.25 xanax - 0.5/day (3 weeks) over to klonopin 0.25 once a day to manage severe wd

March 6, reinstated citalopram 2.5 mg (liquid), klonopin 0.25 mg for sleep 2-3 times a week

Apr 1st citalopram 2.0 mg (liquid), klonopin 0.25 once a week (off by 4/14/19- no tapering)

citalopram (liquid) 4/14/19 -1.8 mg, 5/8/19 - 1.6 mg,  7/27/19 -1.5 mg,  8/15/19 - 1.35, 2/21/21 - 1.1 (smaller drops in between), 6/20/21 - 1.03 mg, 8/7/21- 1.025, 8/11/21 - 1.02, 8/15/21 - 1.015, 9/3/21 - 0.925 (fingers crossed!), 10/8/21 - 0.9, 10/18/21 - 0.875, 12/31/21 - 0.85, 1/7/22 - 0.825, 1/14/22 - 0.8, 1/22/22 - 0.785, 8/18/22 - 0.59, 12/15/2022 - 0.48, 2/15/22 - 0.43, 25/07/23 - 0.25 (mistake), 6/08/23 - 0.33mg

 

Supplements: magnesium citrate and bi-glycinate

Link to comment
  • Mentor

Just off to work but wondering if you meditate? It really helps calm my over active mind. I can recommend Jon Kabat Zin’s 40 minute body scan if you haven’t tried it ☺️  

 

you have to do it regularly and for a long time to start seeing long term calmness, but it really works for short term calming the mind.  Hope you have a good day. 

am not a medical professional. I provide information and make suggestions based on my own experience and SA guidelines. I am unable to respond to private messages. 

Mirtazepine 15mg Nov 2018 -April 2019  April - Sept 2019 Mirtazepine down to around 6mg - skipping days to taper

October 2019 - Dec 2019 unwell from failed taper including jumping about in doses 

15 December 2019 to 13 June 2021 15mg Mirtazepine 

14 June 2021 started brass monkey Slide.  
2021: 23 August 12.3mg, 28 October 11.1mg, 6 Dec 10mg

2022: 12 Feb 8.5, 25 Oct 4.5mg

2023: 16 Jan 3.6mg, 28 Sept 1.8mg

Link to comment
On 5/2/2022 at 8:09 AM, Ariel said:

There are many vegetables, nuts, and fruit (I no longer eat fruit but include it here for good measure) which can cause reactions in pollen allergy sufferers. This cross-reactivity can occur year-round but marked reactions are usually more likely during pollen season. In my case the cross-reactivity is barely noticeable outside of pollen season but at this time of year my sensitivity increases. I manage this via portion control (i.e. smaller quantities of "risky" foods) as well as being extra selective about intake.

 

I was catching up on past posts that I'd missed and I spotted this.  I also have Oral Allergy Syndrome so am severely allergic to Birch pollen, so I cant eat any brassicas/cruciferous veg - and you'd be surprised just how many things contain mustard or rapeseed oil. While we were still trying to figure out what was happening I nearly ended up being hospitalised (i only reason I didn't as i refused to go!) after eating raw cabbage.     I can manage a small amount of risky foods outside tree pollen season but from mid April to June/July I cant have any without a massive reaction, and I also react to overripe mango, tomatoes and pineapple.   An allergy to caffeine and sulphites also developed about 3 years ago.   The only way I can settle my immune system is to take anti-histamine for a month daily about this time of year , but this year I'm trying 1/2 to see if does the job. So far so good.

 

21 hours ago, Ariel said:

made the acquaintance of a 15-week-old cavapoo out on her very first walk in the park! what a treat. 

Oh what a treat indeed!   There's cuter better than a pupster 🐶

On Weds I sat opposite a man on the bus home from work who had a little white and beige chihuahua sat on his knee.   She sat looking lovingly at me practically the whole way home, and my heart just melted. I wondered if they'd notice if just slipped her into my handbag  😂

 

It sounds like you had a good day yesterday @Ariel and I'm pleased for you.   Having some signs of healing and progress are soooo crucial in keeping us trudging along, so am glad you could see them in the midst of everything and recognise them x

 

21 hours ago, Ariel said:

Great Kale Shortage episode on Monday

 

Did I miss this?  What happened?

Sertraline (Lustral):  2014. Sept 50mg. Oct 100mg. Dec 150mg. 2015-2019. 150mg. 2019  Apr-May 0mg. Beg May 150mg. End May 100mg. Late June 125mg. Late Aug 100mg. 2020 Jan 75mg. April 50mg.

2022  50mg. 1Jan 45mg. 1Feb 40.5mg. Water T24Feb 39.5mg. 3Mar 38.5mg. 18Mar 38mg. 25Mar 37.5mg. 22Apr 37mg. 5May 36.5mg. 18May 36mg. 1Jun 35.3mg. 15Jun 34.5mg.  30Jun 34mg. 15Jul 33.5mg. 22Jul 33mg. 5Aug 32.5mg. 19Aug 32mg. 1Sept 31.5mg. 1Oct 31mg.  27 Oct 30.5. 16 Nov 30mg. 30 Nov 29.5mg. 14 Dec 29mg

2023. 2 Jan 28.5mg. 6 Feb 28mg. 10 Mar 27.5mg. 1 Apr 26.5mg. 1 May 26mg. 1 Jun 25.5mg. 1 Jul 25mg. 1 Aug 24.5mg. 17 Aug 24mg. 5 Sept 23.5mg. 9 Oct 23mg.

 

Desogestrel:  2014 -  present:  

Supplements Magnesium. 400mcg  Vitamin D. 10mcg.  Multivit/min. 1 tab. B Complex

 

Certirizine:   2022 May 10mg. Dec 20mg. 2023. 15mg.

 Omeprazole.:  2016 20mg. 2022  20mg.  15Jan 15mg. 9Feb 10mg. 25Feb 6.5mg. 15Mar 3mg. 3Apr 1.5mg.  15Apr 0mg   2023. 20mg. 15 Sept 15mg.

Link to comment

Today ended up being a rest day. In the morning I struggled some but eventually was able to surrender and let go into it. Used various tools and non-drug coping techniques. I leaned into it and managed fine, with moments of pleasure and gratitude punctuating throughout. 

 

I don't love keeping journal notes like this but am doing it this week as an exercise. Maybe it'll be useful to me one day to look back on. If nothing else it shows me how far I've come. 

 

*

 

lay down to sleep around 10pm 
audiobook 
fell asleep around 11:15pm

 

woke up at 2:20am 
anxiety, intrusive thoughts 

audiobook 

fell asleep again at some point, 4am?

woke up at 5:30am
anxiety 

 

6am - intrusive thoughts, rumination, suicidal ideation 
“want” to do yoga; “want” to go to the cinema; “want” to go for a walk; don’t want anything, cannot move, feel brain block
- feels like dark glasses are making me feel worse; switch to regular glasses, feels better

6:30am - intrusive thoughts regarding friendships, perceived slights, wrongs, hurts; feeling broken-hearted, rejected, mistreated; rumination
- undergirding everything: exhaustion. i just wanna sleep, just wanna rest; feel  very tired from the effort of juggling managing handling navigating etc., the excruciating hard work of getting through and surviving 

7am - suicidal ideation; stomach pain 

7:30am - intense loneliness, longing for touch and connection, missing cats and dogs to cuddle with 

8am - increasing pain, physical (muscles, joints, stomach) and emotional; rising inner tension 

8:30am - able to rest sitting up; dozing a little 

 

Feels like the monkey is shuffling furiously through Rolodex of possible reasons/justifications/arguments for why to feel bad, why to keep feeling bad (it’s all feeling very chicken-and-egg, ourobourus) (what are those boards called. like in airports, the analog non-digital ones where all the letters and numbers are flipped through on little flaps before settling on something)
additional images: like a chameleon (or octopus) cycling through every possible color to see if any of them stick, unable to stick with one, changing changing changing; like changing clothes, trying on so many different outfits, can’t pick one. I feel like my nervous system and brain are going through a calibration process, trying to figure out “who are we? What are we for?”, investigating this by trial and error. lots of instability and in-body experimentation. My body’s the technician and I’m its lab rat! 

 

9:30am - stomach pains, chest tension 

10am - first meal (breakfast)
feel calmer afterwards 

11:30am - stomach ache; DP/DR

 

12-1:15pm - sleep

 

afternoon - fatigue (feeling very heavy, limbs-like-lead kinda thing); DP/DR; stomach pain; diarrhea 

4pm - second meal (dinner) low-moderate appetite, ate adequately 

5pm - tinnitus 

6-7:30pm - SA reading and writing, soothing. 

8pm - muscle aches and pains 

 

*

 

 

1996-2018 - misc. polypharmacy, incl. SSRIs, SNRIs, neuroleptics, lithium, benzos, stimulants, antihistamines, etc. (approx. 30+ drugs)

2012-2018 - 10mg lexapro/escitalopram (20mg?)    Jan. 2018 - 10mg -> 5mg, then from 5mg -> 2.5mg, then 0mg  -->  July 2018 - 0mg

2017(?)-2020 - vyvanse/lisdexamfetamine 60-70mg    2020-2021 - 70mg down to 0mg  -->  July 2021 - 0mg

March-April 2021 - vortioxetine 5-10mg (approx. 7 weeks total; CT)  -->  April 28th, 2021 - 0mg

supplements: magnesium powder (dissolved in water) as needed throughout the day; 1 tsp fish oil w/ morning meal; 2mg melatonin 

August 1, 2022 - 1 mg melatonin

 

Courage is fear that has said its prayers.  - Karle Wilson Baker

love and justice are not two. without inner change, there can be no outer change; without collective change, no change matters.  - Rev. angel Kyodo williams

Holding multiple truths. Knowing that everyone has their own accurate view of the way things are.  - text on homemade banner at Afiya house

 

I am not a medical professional; this is not medical advice. 

Link to comment

difficulty falling asleep; back spasms

finally fell asleep around midnight? 

woke up at 4:45am from bad dream 
very negative state of mind; emotional distress 

 

7am - 2 tblsp mct oil 

7:30am - stomach pain 

8-8:30 - rest 

stomach pain 

 

10am - breakfast 

stomach pain; fatigue 

 

12-2pm - baking cookies; cooking 

2pm - meal 

 

2:30-4:30pm - resting; 
stomach pain; fatigue 

restless; stomach pain; exhausted 

 

5:30pm - meal 

 

evening: DP/DR; aches and pains; 
SA reading and writing, makes me feel better 

 

* wanted to get outside for a walk today, didn’t manage. bummer
* feeling off w/ food and sleep schedule 
* period due any day now 
* diarrhea throughout the day, can’t tell whether or not it’s related to the stomach pain 
* taking it easy on magnesium bc of GI issues

 

9:15pm - 2mg melatonin

1996-2018 - misc. polypharmacy, incl. SSRIs, SNRIs, neuroleptics, lithium, benzos, stimulants, antihistamines, etc. (approx. 30+ drugs)

2012-2018 - 10mg lexapro/escitalopram (20mg?)    Jan. 2018 - 10mg -> 5mg, then from 5mg -> 2.5mg, then 0mg  -->  July 2018 - 0mg

2017(?)-2020 - vyvanse/lisdexamfetamine 60-70mg    2020-2021 - 70mg down to 0mg  -->  July 2021 - 0mg

March-April 2021 - vortioxetine 5-10mg (approx. 7 weeks total; CT)  -->  April 28th, 2021 - 0mg

supplements: magnesium powder (dissolved in water) as needed throughout the day; 1 tsp fish oil w/ morning meal; 2mg melatonin 

August 1, 2022 - 1 mg melatonin

 

Courage is fear that has said its prayers.  - Karle Wilson Baker

love and justice are not two. without inner change, there can be no outer change; without collective change, no change matters.  - Rev. angel Kyodo williams

Holding multiple truths. Knowing that everyone has their own accurate view of the way things are.  - text on homemade banner at Afiya house

 

I am not a medical professional; this is not medical advice. 

Link to comment

Thought I'd share about something that helps me feel better when I'm having a rough go of it. 

 

While reading the success stories can be immeasurably encouraging, uplifting, and life-affirming -- THANK YOU to everyone who writes and posts their recovery accounts -- sometimes it's a little on the nose. There are those times when withdrawal is just so overwhelming that the last thing I wanna do is spend a moment's more time thinking, reading, writing, engaging with anything withdrawal-related, even phenomenal tales of survival and triumph. Moreover, I've spent years of withdrawal without knowing I was going through withdrawal, so there was plenty of time to hone non-drug coping techniques (read: distractions) elsewhere. 

 

When I'm feeling low, I love to watch movies and tv/streaming shows about characters overcoming extraordinary obstacles to succeed. Same goes for human interest story podcasts. I am grateful for the catharsis gleaned from so many well-told narratives. Documentaries about paralympians; rescue/therapy dogs; visionary community leaders; creative endeavors; social justice initiatives; etc. Biopics about people rising above childhood adversity; people organizing and coming together to enact change; athletes working so hard to achieve their goals; etc. (There are some subjects I don't pursue, e.g. anything related to war. The whole point of this distraction strategy is to find stories that are sufficiently removed from my experience while still somehow adjacent in level of all encompassing challenge.)

 

I've got a special place in my heart for a solid well-made sports doc, as there is something perfectly inspiring and fascinating about the mental strength required to perform at an elite athletic level; and of course a good animal story that distills me to mush and tears is always a welcome antidote to emotional blunting. Nothing like the profound, primal release of sobbing in empathy with another living creature.  

Human beings and animals and trees and indeed all life on this planet go through such unimaginable trials and travails. It is par for the course to struggle and fight for survival and overcome. I find it endlessly useful to be reminded of that, not least because it helps put my psych-drug-debacle experiences into perspective. Not in a toxic, hierarchy-of-suffering, comparative way. Just like, oh yeah, I guess everyone gets something or other, and let's learn from how others have managed their lot. It makes me feel connected and in awe. And when it really hits the spot it makes me cry, which always makes me feel better afterwards.  

 

Today's GRATITUDE award goes out to everyone who participates in the storytelling that lends itself to being used as a survival resource. 

 

 

 

 

1996-2018 - misc. polypharmacy, incl. SSRIs, SNRIs, neuroleptics, lithium, benzos, stimulants, antihistamines, etc. (approx. 30+ drugs)

2012-2018 - 10mg lexapro/escitalopram (20mg?)    Jan. 2018 - 10mg -> 5mg, then from 5mg -> 2.5mg, then 0mg  -->  July 2018 - 0mg

2017(?)-2020 - vyvanse/lisdexamfetamine 60-70mg    2020-2021 - 70mg down to 0mg  -->  July 2021 - 0mg

March-April 2021 - vortioxetine 5-10mg (approx. 7 weeks total; CT)  -->  April 28th, 2021 - 0mg

supplements: magnesium powder (dissolved in water) as needed throughout the day; 1 tsp fish oil w/ morning meal; 2mg melatonin 

August 1, 2022 - 1 mg melatonin

 

Courage is fear that has said its prayers.  - Karle Wilson Baker

love and justice are not two. without inner change, there can be no outer change; without collective change, no change matters.  - Rev. angel Kyodo williams

Holding multiple truths. Knowing that everyone has their own accurate view of the way things are.  - text on homemade banner at Afiya house

 

I am not a medical professional; this is not medical advice. 

Link to comment

That's a wrap for me on the daily notes. I've never been a fan of formal symptom tracking (in my case). I can rest easy now knowing I've done my duty for posterity. You're welcome, future self. Until next time. 

 

1996-2018 - misc. polypharmacy, incl. SSRIs, SNRIs, neuroleptics, lithium, benzos, stimulants, antihistamines, etc. (approx. 30+ drugs)

2012-2018 - 10mg lexapro/escitalopram (20mg?)    Jan. 2018 - 10mg -> 5mg, then from 5mg -> 2.5mg, then 0mg  -->  July 2018 - 0mg

2017(?)-2020 - vyvanse/lisdexamfetamine 60-70mg    2020-2021 - 70mg down to 0mg  -->  July 2021 - 0mg

March-April 2021 - vortioxetine 5-10mg (approx. 7 weeks total; CT)  -->  April 28th, 2021 - 0mg

supplements: magnesium powder (dissolved in water) as needed throughout the day; 1 tsp fish oil w/ morning meal; 2mg melatonin 

August 1, 2022 - 1 mg melatonin

 

Courage is fear that has said its prayers.  - Karle Wilson Baker

love and justice are not two. without inner change, there can be no outer change; without collective change, no change matters.  - Rev. angel Kyodo williams

Holding multiple truths. Knowing that everyone has their own accurate view of the way things are.  - text on homemade banner at Afiya house

 

I am not a medical professional; this is not medical advice. 

Link to comment

Thanks, Ariel, for your comment on the UC Irvine research project thread.

 

I’m sorry to see that your tummy is giving you trouble.  That is a common problem for me, but it is becoming less common as I recover.  I strongly believe that PAWS makes periods a lot more difficult for some people.  I often felt that I was allergic to my own body processes.

 

At least you baked cookies!!  That’s an accomplishment.  Maybe you can sit in the sun today.  That did wonders for me eggnog (mmm, eggnog? Roflol) ***even*** if I couldn’t take a walk.

 

Take care, Rosetta🧚🏻‍♀️

https://www.survivingantidepressants.org/topic/16629-rosetta-ct-may-2011-too-fast-taper-feb-2017/?page=25

2001-2011 Celexa 10 mg raised to 40 mg then 60 mg over this time period

May 2011 OB Doctor's Cold switch Celexa 60 mg to 10 mg Zoloft sertraline (baby born)

2012-2016 - Doctors raised dose of Zoloft up to 150 mg

2016 - Xanax prescribed - as needed - 0.5 mg about every 3 days (bad reaction)

2016 - Stopped Xanax

Late 2016- Began (too fast) taper of Zoloft

Early 2017 - Trazodone prescribed for bedtime (doseage unknown)

Feb 2017 - Completed taper/stopped Trazodone

Drug free since Feb 2017

2017 - Unisom otc very rarely for sleep

Link to comment
On 2/22/2022 at 1:53 PM, Ariel said:

hello. i'm going to attempt an introduction. i reserve any possible ambition about a coherent, comprehensive history for a potential future recovery success story. i'll do what i can for now. 

 

 

first and foremost, THANK YOU to everyone here at SA. 

 

THANK YOU for starting this website, for contributing, for keeping it going, for sharing, for being here, for fighting the good fight. in regards to tapering safely i did not find you in time; but since i found you it has helped immeasurably. before i found SA i'd been suffering through PW and PAWS for well over 3 years with no clear understanding of what the F was happening to me. although i had a working strategy of how to approach the embodied experience i was living, it took up a lot of energy not having an official explanation. i had a kind of makeshift, workaround idea along the lines of "maybe this is latent C-PTSD that has surfaced in the wake of SSRI cessation" and "clearly my nervous system is hypersensitive and destabilized, and i am intolerant of stress, possibly also as a result of a lifetime of chronic stress and trauma", etc. somewhat luckily these working hypotheses led me to a variety of tools that were entirely applicable to dealing with withdrawal syndrome, and so, ultimately, i was practicing many of the same non-drug coping strategies that i have since seen recommended on this site. for years i was on my own and it was trial and error. the bottom line is, it has been so much better since finding SA and knowing that i'm not alone and finally figuring out,  "oh, this is what's going on!" (not that one cannot have C-PTSD / chronic stress / or the like in addition to WS, but WS is certainly also its own thing in addition to whatever underlying vulnerabilities may present)

 

anyway -- THANK YOU to everyone for everything. 

 

i am currently in my fifth year of protracted withdrawal and post-acute withdrawal syndrome following an incorrect, too-fast taper of lexapro/escitalopram that basically amounted to CT + decades' worth of going on and off dozens of different psych drugs/cocktails, incl. most recently vyvanse/lisdexamfetamine, etc. 

 

i don't have energy or access right now to write in more detail about the long and illustrious drug history and the numerous failed attempts to get out of psychiatry (it's clear to me now that i've been in protracted withdrawal with PAWS multiple times before, but at the time i didn't know what it was and when i sought help consistently received a new and more extreme diagnosis every time; it seemed, according to psychiatry, that i was getting sicker and sicker, and would get more heavily drugged each time around -- psychiatry suffers from munchhausen by proxy in its absurd closed-loop system)

 

bottom line -- TODAY I AM DRUG-FREE. 

 

i was first committed to a psych ward as a minor (below the age of consent), that's where i was first drugged. i clearly remember being so overmedicated that my hands were shaking non-stop, i couldn't properly hold a fork to eat or a pencil/pen to write. i fainted in the shower. i knew it was the drugs, i knew they were giving me too much, i know i said as much. i have no recollection of being listened to. my first ever "psychotic episodes" also occurred during this first ever hospitalization, subsequent to which my diagnosis was augmented to include my being labeled as "psychotic". i am convinced the sensory hallucinations were caused by the drugs they were giving me. 

 

i have spent my entire adult life thus far (approx. 17 y.o. - 42 y.o.) under the influence of psychiatric drugs. WTF. although i am currently drug-free i don't consider myself out of the woods yet as i'm still very much in recovery and reeling from the extensive physiological and psychological/existential harm. i cannot even begin to really truly process that. i don't dwell on it, i try not to think about it, really, although of course the thoughts come occasionally, but for the most part i let them pass bc my thinking is currently rather unreliable and murky, colored as it is by WS (monkey mind chatter which does not allow for proper processing). maybe one day when my cognitive/emotional/spiritual/etc. capacities are healed, if it is still relevant and required, i will mourn any loss as necessary. for now i sometimes touch upon grief (primarily on behalf of our collective loss and the tragedy of psychiatric violence afflicting countless human beings and indeed our global ecosystem as a whole) but my mind is too feeble to truly grasp the staggering atrocity / swirling galaxy of bullsh*t. for the time being i'm mostly just sorta left stunned and reeling; and sometimes in a moment of clarity i feel a call to arms and long to spring into action and up onto the barricades (etc.), but i lack the abilities for any kind of follow-through, which can be distressing as i think, "i'm not doing my part to save my fellow suffererers out there!" in these moments i have to remind myself that first i have to get better, and for now i just gotta hang on to my own life raft, bc that's pretty much all i can do, and most of the time it's a tall order as is, at least for now. i have to tell myself that what i cannot currently comprehend, is not currently my job. i try to do the tasks i am able to do, that is what is for me to do here and now. for example:

 

currently i am able to shower once a week, sometimes twice a week. i am able to do a gentle yoga session about once a week. leaving the house is very difficult, but i manage to get out about twice a week. i am able to do my own grocery shopping (usually once a week), which brings me a sense of satisfaction and purpose. i am able to cook for myself (i've been on a self-designed, tried-and-true nutritional regimen for a couple of years now, which works quite well for me); nourishing myself is a vital part of my day and one of the few ways i'm able to actively engage with life on a daily basis.  

 

there are many, many things i'm unable to do and many, many ways in which i'm functionally disabled. i don't feel like getting into that now. in this moment i'd like to focus on markers of progress. for example:

 

here i am, writing an introduction post.

 

i have not posted here before bc writing and verbal communication, esp. disembodied/virtual kind without being in the physical presence of the other person, is something that has been extremely difficult for me in withdrawal and continues to be very, very challenging. so this is really hard and scary right now; and at the same time it is a marker of progress that i am able to be here writing this at all, since for so long i have not been able to and now i'm giving it a try. we'll see how it goes. 

 

these days i feel like i'm in my little WS groove. doing my thing, doing the best i can. i tell myself that this too shall pass -- based on the accounts of people on this site and the many success stories, it's possible to recover and heal. i trust that this is true; which means that there's a finite number of WS days/hours/moments (that number is unknown and unknowable, i call it X). and so it follows that every single day/hour/moment of WS-related suffering is 1 down, X to go and brings me that much closer to the conclusion. this is my way of conceptualizing the unpleasantness and discomfort as healing-in-process. instead of thinking of it as "i'm still sick" (which connotates stuck-ness and static state), reminding myself "i'm continously healing" (which conveys movement and development and some notion of constructive progress). 

 

it's very, very hard. i do feel like things are getting better ... lately one of the odd things about feeling better is that the WS symptoms have decreased somewhat in intensity, and now that some of the WS symptoms are less extreme, it's as though it's less clear to me that they are indeed WS symptoms. i sometimes find myself thinking, "wait, what if this particular thing is no longer WS and now this is just 'me'?" overall i tell myself that this line of thinking is still WS, as these are "anxiety thoughts" and fear-based, and i pay them as little mind as possible. it's a strange sign of progress that as WS is gradually lessening in intensity the lines between "syndrome" and "self" seem to be blurring more and more. this is, of course, compounded by an underlying all-pervasive tension around the question, "who am i?" at this point i accept that i have no idea who i am. i don't know who i am now, i don't know who i was before, i don't know who i will be after. my sense of identity is flimsy at best, i have difficulty with any sense of continuity or understanding "me", "my life", or anything along those lines. it's okay. i'm not sure my sense of self has ever been that strong to begin with. i don't know where i'll be dumped at the end of this fun-house-mirror-lined chute of WS bizarro-world ... it's kinda funny sometimes, when i think about it. it's all so absurd. all these illusions and so many people out there running around all serious and self-important and convinced of what's "real". maybe i'll feel like that one day, who knows? ... (feel free to skip to the end of the book, eh?)

 

anyway. i don't have much more to say for now. this is the most words i've used in any one sitting in any context possibly in years. i mostly don't like social contact due to conventions/exigencies of verbal communication (i don't mind context of shared social presence as long as there is no speaking/conversation involved) and so i spend most of my time alone. i'm actually surprised this many words have come out of me! and now i'm babbling, i've got the feeling this is all very messy. but the most important part is:

 

ABSTRACT

hello.

thank you.

i'm here. 

ain't that a trip

 

with love,

"me"

 

1996-2018: various polypharmacy combinations incl. SSRIs, neuroleptics, lithium, benzodiazepines, stimulants, etc. (approx. 30+ different drugs over the years)

2018 - inadvertently CTed lexapro/escitalopram from 10mg -> 5mg, then from 5mg -> 2.5mg, then 0mg (over the course of 6 months, and under the "supervision" of a psychiatrist whom i trusted at the time)

 

July 2018 - 0mg lexapro/escitalopram

2017 - 2020 - vyvanse/lisdexamfetamine 70mg 

2020 - 2021 - tapered off of vyvanse/lisdexamfetamine from 70mg down to 0mg (gradually but unsystematically and probably too quickly)

 

July 2021 - 0mg vyvanse/lisdexamfetamine

 

February 2022 - 0mg - no psychopharmaceuticals - no drugs/medications of any kind 

supplements: magnesium powder (dissolved in water) as needed throughout the day; 2mg melatonin at 9pm

 

💜💜💜💜

2007-Prozac then off replaced with Zoloft 

2008- Off Zoloft replaced with Fluvoxamine 

2008-2009 50mg Fluvoxamine 

2009-2020 150mg Fluvoxamine 

2013-14 addition of Lexapro and Zyprexa

2015 back to only Fluvoxamine 

2019-2021 additional 150mg Wellbutrin 

2020-present taper off Fluvoxamine and Wellbutrin 

2022 - mid-February - last dose 25 mg Wellbutrin

July 2021 25 (12.5 twice a day) mg Fluvoxamine hold

switch to compounded XR 12.5 mg Fluvoxamine capsules twice a day mid July 2022

Magnesium, Fish Oil, microdose CBD 

Link to comment
On 4/1/2022 at 3:01 PM, Ariel said:

Today I noticed something that I take to be a clear sign of improvement. I am sharing this here to record the incident for myself, and also in case it may be of any use to anyone else. 

This morning I attended a new exercise class. This is in and of itself positive, and is connected to a significant overall improvement in WDnormal that has occurred over the past month or so, especially in terms of general energy level. Even just three months ago it would have been unthinkable to research a new gym, let alone surmount the complex challenge of going there and participating in a new class. 

Going to this class for the first time meant meeting the instructor for the first time, too. She had a certain manner that I tend to find tricky (without passing judgment, I'd describe it as "dominant"). As soon as class started the instructor turned on music at a high volume. It so happened that I was right by the speaker. In addition to my unfortunate position, the loud music was unexpected, as this gym claims to differentiate itself from others by offering "an oasis of calm" (ha!) (hence its original appeal to this WS sufferer; I selected it because it was supposedly quiet!). With the music blaring loudly right next to me, in combination with the instructor yelling over the music, and the whole class situation being otherwise new to me -- it was a lot to handle. I felt my system brace for overload. Uh-oh, I thought. Well if nothing else we can just leave! I felt the stirrings of an inner flight response. 

I asked the instructor whether it would be possible to turn down the volume a little. She flatly said, No, and then continued barking over the music. A few minutes later, she actually turned the music up. 

This was a very challenging exchange for me. In addition to having my (reasonable, I thought) request denied and being faced with the prospect of a full hour of too-loud music thumping through my sensitivities, I felt myself being triggered by the experience of attempting to advocate for myself and getting shut down, with no apparent empathy for my inquiry. I found myself experiencing multiple unpleasant emotions and thoughts related to the instructor and the situation, incl. a nascent panic around how I would possibly make it through the class when the sensory stimuli were overwhelming, e.g. Oh no, what if this triggers a wave? What if this triggers XYZ symptoms? The flight response began to grow in intensity, and my thinking churned around getting out of there. 

Through this I was somehow able to contain my inner response, registering the various swirling emotions and thoughts and letting them be. I told myself I could continue to monitor how I felt, and if I started to feel a lot worse, if my condition became unbearable, the option of leaving early remained available to me. In the meantime, I would wait and see and give the class a try for as long as I could stand. True, it was less than ideal that the sound volume was unpleasantly loud and the instructor was not accommodating. However, I wanted to exercise, I wanted to do this class, I had decided to do it and there I was, and I would give it a go and see how it went. I was thus able to make it through the entire class, concentrating on the exercises as best I could, focusing on following instruction and paying attention to bodily sensations along the way. There were moments when the instructor would turn up the music and I'd feel a painful jolt to my system due to the sensory stimuli, and I attempted to register these sensations along with the other feelings in my body. I practiced being present in my body and holding capacity for both wanted and unwanted experience. 

And somehow ... it worked! I made it through. 

This is, to me, a beautiful sign of recovery in progress: that my system was able to work with(in) the reality of an imperfect, and even somewhat challenging, situation without going completely awry. Somehow it was possible to contain the multitude of responses and stay the course. This would have been unthinkable even three months ago! 

Not long ago I could very easily have gotten so freaked out by the instructor's vibe (nothing personal, just not my preferred wavelength; I enjoy a lighter touch) that I would have spiraled into overwhelming neuro-emotions and adrenaline response, possibly leading to a larger, longer-lasting reaction. This kind of thing has happened countless times before throughout WS, which plays a major part in my having developed a pervasive wariness in regards to even the most seemingly mundane social interactions. However, today my system managed to navigate the totality of the situation. Thanks, system, way to go!

Was I tired after class? Of course. It took deliberate effort and attention to manage the complex demands of the challenge at hand. Afterwards I felt spent, and probably more tired in my brain than in my muscles. It was not the ideal workout. I did not feel particularly appreciative of or warm towards the instructor, and I do not anticipate seeking out her class again anytime soon. But the point is, that's okay. I managed. It turned out fine, and I was fine. And after class, on my way home, I stopped off to purchase foam earplugs to wear to my next class -- henceforth, I come prepared!  

I feel so grateful for this experience today, which, in more ways than one, is a true marker of healing. 

Thank you for the opportunity to share this story with you today. Feels good to share it.

Love to you all, 

A. 

 

 

 

 

Hey I relate to this so much 😂I hate exercise classes, I always have.  Except yoga with the right instructor and vibe.  I personally tend to enjoy doing something on my own, … I don’t know if you have these nearby but some gyms have treadmills where you can power walk and on the screen is a point-of-view, virtual walk through various National parks, highly recommend if you can find 

2007-Prozac then off replaced with Zoloft 

2008- Off Zoloft replaced with Fluvoxamine 

2008-2009 50mg Fluvoxamine 

2009-2020 150mg Fluvoxamine 

2013-14 addition of Lexapro and Zyprexa

2015 back to only Fluvoxamine 

2019-2021 additional 150mg Wellbutrin 

2020-present taper off Fluvoxamine and Wellbutrin 

2022 - mid-February - last dose 25 mg Wellbutrin

July 2021 25 (12.5 twice a day) mg Fluvoxamine hold

switch to compounded XR 12.5 mg Fluvoxamine capsules twice a day mid July 2022

Magnesium, Fish Oil, microdose CBD 

Link to comment
On 4/4/2022 at 11:45 AM, Ariel said:

P.S. 

I'm not sure it was the exercise exertion in and of itself that exacerbated WS symptoms in the days since. It seems plausible that the ingestion of large amounts of certain foods which (for good reason) are not usually part of my diet may have tipped the scale (in more ways than one, ha!). If the stress of the workout experience raised cortisol levels, and if the elevated cortisol led to cravings, that has not been the problem per se. It's all connected, of course, but the issue is then of an arguably secondary nature: the reality that I have been unable to withstand those cravings and have acted upon them, consuming copious amounts of unadvisable, activating ingredients (e.g. refined sugar, chocolate, whole grains -- none of which I eat otherwise). Kinda like the Buddhist parable of the second arrow ...

Which begs the question: any advice on how to resist food cravings?

These were not garden variety food cravings. They were monstrous, mutant, overgrown, super-sized, amped-up food cravings of unprecedented power, magnitude, and insistence! (Haha, dramatic enough? It's truly how it felt, though -- like the Godzilla of cravings! I felt like I was being *commanded*, especially given the shadow of DP/DR, it was quite bizarre to experience.) 

There's a great set of resources by author Kathryn Hansen, who has written a book called "Brain over Binge". Her website is here, in case anyone's interested (am I allowed to post a link to an outside website?) https://brainoverbinge.com  In her own life, Hansen successfully recovered from binge-eating disorder and has since dedicated herself to helping others heal (sound familiar?). For anyone struggling with or interested in binge eating disorder, I highly recommend Hansen's no-nonsense, non-psychiatric, non-pathologizing, un-storied, un-neurotic, practical, compassionate approach. Truly refreshing and utterly, easily applicable. My point in referencing Hansen's work and book is that part of the "Brain over Binge" protocol is learning how to resist the urges to binge. The idea here (crudely paraphrased) is that one binges because there is an urge to binge. The urge is generated by the "lower" or "primitive" brain (i.e. automatic thoughts); whereas the "higher" brain has the agency to decide whether or not to actually act on the urge. Recover from binge eating thus entails learning to identify the "lower brain's" urges as such, and practicing engaging the "higher" brain's autonomy to register the urges without giving in to them. Eventually, Hansen posits, the urges, without being reinforced through action, will weaken in intensity, becoming fewer and farther between. The habitual link will be weakened and over time, one may become urge-, and therefore binge-free. Hansen draws on personal experience as well as information about the neuroscience of addiction, among other sources. It's interesting stuff. 

Oh yeah, my point! My point is that the cravings I've experienced in WS (this past weekend was not the first time) have been wicked intense. This makes sense in the "neuro-emotion" way of everything being wildly heightened in WS. I'm wondering whether anyone else has experience with food cravings being outrageously exaggerated in WS as compared to non-withdrawal food cravings -- ? Also, in my case, I am in withdrawal from lisdexamfetamine as well as SSRIs, and I'm wondering whether the lisdexamfetamine withdrawal can make food cravings particularly acute. I mean, from what I've read that is indeed the case; I'd love to hear from anyone else here who has experience with this. (I haven't seen a lot of lisdexamfetamine-WD members; seems to show up occasionally as part of polypharmacy, but I haven't found much reference to it specifically.) I wonder whether the ferocity of WS-fueled cravings may make them harder to resist, in combination with a cognitively impaired WS brain exhibiting poor executive functioning and therefore exponentially vulnerable to a craving assault, making it that much more difficult to disengage. (Heh, can you tell I'm fishing for excuses to justify my failure at being unable to not act upon the cravings?)

Bottom line, I guess I'm looking for help as to whether to accept cravings and resistance-futility as part of the WS journey, or whether I should fight more actively to resist. These past few days have really floored me. None of my usual strategies seemed to work. I tried: waiting it out; delaying; brushing my teeth; hydrating; eating something healthy instead; going for a little walk; trying to take a nap; etc. Before WS it was not difficult to implement such techniques with good effect: the cravings would pass, and all would be calm. This time around the cravings rapidly escalated into compulsive and intrusive thoughts, and it was like I was suddenly dealing with the brain of an addict. The urgency was impressive, it was really like: We need this right now, it's a matter of survival. Moreover, it was abundantly clear that these demands were coming from my brain and not from my gut. My gut had nothing to do with it, and when I checked in it really didn't want to deal with a binge at all. The gut does not like binging, ever, and especially not in WS. This was a top-down chain-of-command situation. My brain the bully! 

I wonder whether the WS brain may be more susceptible to addiction (e.g. "food addiction") ... Do we know anything about this? I'm just curious. I wonder whether what I experienced these past few days is at all connected to a dearth of appropriate chemical signaling in my WS system, and the body longing for "feel-good" neurotransmitters to help mitigate stress and upset. By which I mean, when it's difficult for the system to regulate itself and "self-soothe", perhaps there is a brain recognition that certain chemical substances, e.g. foodstuffs, can contribute to a neurochemical response that's perceived as desirable. I dunno. I'm writing myself into a stupor, had better stop now. Who knows how anything works, ever, at all, anyway? Haha

Oh, last but not least: can anyone speak to a positive experience with cravings subsiding and weight normalizing as part of healing from WS? I've read through numerous success stories and have noticed that many people mention increased fitness levels and exercise tolerance and improved digestion. I'm wondering specifically whether it's common for WS-induced weight changes (metabolism?) to normalize once one gets better. To put it bluntly, I wonder whether I'll ever be able to get back in shape and fit into my old clothes. Can I get my body back? I miss it! (I know this is one of those questions nobody can answer for me, there's really no way to know. Just looking for some hope.)

Surf on,

A. 

Hey, I just wanted to add my two cents about the cravings as a withdrawal-addled certified personal trainer/in the process of refamiliarizing my body with exercise post injury during withdrawal/ person in recovery from eating disorders.

 

 I feel the same way about the gut not wanting it, but the brain does. From what I’ve learned, appetite regulation can sometimes be about blood flow.  For example, the 2-3 hours immediate after a hard workout, I have no appetite. ESPECIALLY if the workout consisted of mainly resistance training.  Cardio on the other hand, tends to trigger more of an appetite ( blood circulation during cardio is more diffuse throughout the body, and our nervous systems associate cardio with having burned a larger amount of energy, even if that is not actually the case for a single workout).  During weight training or other types of resistance, like vigorous swimming or biking for example, the blood flows more acutely into the muscles and body periphery I. E. The head and brain and limbs, I. E. AWAY FROM THE DIGESTIVE SYSTEM.

 Now this might mean that one still receives the chemical cravings for food in terms of the promise of a dopamine hit, but resistance training as well (especially if it’s something fun like a pleasant swim routine or weight circuit or boxing) can provide much more dopamine than food. 
What I have done to resist or avoid the buildup of food cravings in withdrawal, while still acting within my nervous system limits, is:

1. Go swimming if possible OR

2. Get a good set of light weights including small hand weights, ankle weights, small kettlebell, and resistance bands at home

and develop a fun routine with or without music or with aromatherapy or watching tv or nothing else if you don’t need the extra stimulation, and do your routine (really feeling it in your muscles and getting down on a mat on the floor, rolling around, dancing, whatever) every time you have a food craving that you wish to avoid.

Also, I read a study in which it was discovered that resistance training when done properly and paired with some light cardio can stimulate production of the same brain chemicals that are triggered by ADHD meds.

food for thought anyway I hope this helps, and forgive me if I spoke too soon as I have not yet read to the end of this thread

 

 

2007-Prozac then off replaced with Zoloft 

2008- Off Zoloft replaced with Fluvoxamine 

2008-2009 50mg Fluvoxamine 

2009-2020 150mg Fluvoxamine 

2013-14 addition of Lexapro and Zyprexa

2015 back to only Fluvoxamine 

2019-2021 additional 150mg Wellbutrin 

2020-present taper off Fluvoxamine and Wellbutrin 

2022 - mid-February - last dose 25 mg Wellbutrin

July 2021 25 (12.5 twice a day) mg Fluvoxamine hold

switch to compounded XR 12.5 mg Fluvoxamine capsules twice a day mid July 2022

Magnesium, Fish Oil, microdose CBD 

Link to comment
On 4/20/2022 at 4:15 AM, Ariel said:

Ugh. Going through some rough hours. 

I'm so tired of trying so hard to do a good job.

And I'm even more tired of feeling like I'm failing at it.  

I'm tired of every moment feeling like a decision, and feeling like that decision is decisive. That signaling of the stressed-out brain/nervous system that Everything Is Urgent And Important, Everything Is At Stake. I call bullsh*t. But physiologically that's the message. It's exhausting being in this position of arguing with/overriding/distinguishing between internal communications. The voice that says: We're so depressed, we're gonna be depressed forever.  The voice that says: Don't believe that other voice. We're not depressed, we're fine. Now get up and function.  Another voice that says: Ssshh... Ssshh... Just everyone please be quiet please, can someone make the room stop spinning? Everything is moving too fast.  And so many more voices chiming in, a cacophony of cognitive detritus. I don't know what is me and what is withdrawal. There's no way to know.  The voice says: This isn't withdrawal anymore, you can't blame it on some condition. This is just you, and apparently you suck.  All I can do is shrug my shoulders and say:  Maybe. It's possible that I do suck. I can't rule it out. But there's no way to definitively determine that in this moment. And anyway, what does that even mean? Define what it is to suck.  Sometimes that gives the voice something to chew on and shuts it up for a while, and I can catch my breath. It's true though. Absurdity is my escape hatch for when I find myself caught in the collective crosshairs of some neurochemical (mis)firing squad. The self-righteous judgments are endless and nonsensical, they collapse in on themselves like a frontline of sorry soufflés. (?! haha) 

I'm just so tired of poking at things to have them burst, tired of interrogating this or that narrative/narrator. I'd rather not engage. How do I not engage when the dissonance is deafening to the point of physical discomfort? It feels like an assault. How do I not work to disarm, how do I not go on the charm defensive, how do I not feel like I have to protect myself? 

A voice: Feel your feelings. Let go of your resistance. Surrender to whatever is moving through you in that moment, welcome it as your teacher, as your guide...

My voice: Go f*ck yourself. You feel my feelings, then. Maybe they will guide your head out of my a**

Whatever. 

What is exhausting is that feeling of pressure, that feeling of a kerjillion Problems being presented every second to the executive commander, who must continuously analyze and assess and calculate risk and strategize and chart the right course. I am not that commander. You've got the wrong number, thoughts. What do any of those questions and decisions have to do with me? All the voices insisting this is my job, dumping these files on my desk, when I don't even work there. I don't work here, either. I don't work anywhere. I don't work. Crap, I'm broken... ?

Sigh. 

It would be nice to wake up and just get out of bed -- or not -- without it feeling like some big choice to be made. The staggering, depleting weight of hundreds of weird, artificial choices throughout the day, so much noise in my head. Should I tackle/manage/approach/finesse/attack/embrace/process it this way or that way? I imagine a healthy, balanced system just flows, or at least some things are non-issues, where one can go about being and doing without further undue to-do. I don't know whether that's true, maybe it's a pipe dream. What's it like to be functional? Anyone, anyone?

What a strange, unpleasant experience to be suspended in this wind tunnel. The turbulence is fake but it's felt as real (or maybe it's real and I'm fake, haha) Who's to tell the difference? All those choices and decisions are illusions, air pockets to bump through. I possess no wisdom or power or knowledge or perspective. I have no f*cking clue. Truly. I'm just trying to get through. 

Sooner or later something's got to give. 

... right?

I feel you with the decisions that seem to go in a circle … I don’t know what it’s like to be “functional “ but you are “functioning “ to write and articulate, to map out your state of being which is relevant to all of us, even for those who have not or will never personally experience your state of being, to read it and process it because of you, is an enrichment to collective consciousness

2007-Prozac then off replaced with Zoloft 

2008- Off Zoloft replaced with Fluvoxamine 

2008-2009 50mg Fluvoxamine 

2009-2020 150mg Fluvoxamine 

2013-14 addition of Lexapro and Zyprexa

2015 back to only Fluvoxamine 

2019-2021 additional 150mg Wellbutrin 

2020-present taper off Fluvoxamine and Wellbutrin 

2022 - mid-February - last dose 25 mg Wellbutrin

July 2021 25 (12.5 twice a day) mg Fluvoxamine hold

switch to compounded XR 12.5 mg Fluvoxamine capsules twice a day mid July 2022

Magnesium, Fish Oil, microdose CBD 

Link to comment
On 4/20/2022 at 4:54 AM, Ariel said:

my thoughts are garbage

GARBAGE

 

If your thoughts are garbage, then I’m a raccoon! Or a rat… possum… all three 

2007-Prozac then off replaced with Zoloft 

2008- Off Zoloft replaced with Fluvoxamine 

2008-2009 50mg Fluvoxamine 

2009-2020 150mg Fluvoxamine 

2013-14 addition of Lexapro and Zyprexa

2015 back to only Fluvoxamine 

2019-2021 additional 150mg Wellbutrin 

2020-present taper off Fluvoxamine and Wellbutrin 

2022 - mid-February - last dose 25 mg Wellbutrin

July 2021 25 (12.5 twice a day) mg Fluvoxamine hold

switch to compounded XR 12.5 mg Fluvoxamine capsules twice a day mid July 2022

Magnesium, Fish Oil, microdose CBD 

Link to comment
On 5/7/2022 at 4:02 PM, Ariel said:

Thought I'd share about something that helps me feel better when I'm having a rough go of it. 

 

While reading the success stories can be immeasurably encouraging, uplifting, and life-affirming -- THANK YOU to everyone who writes and posts their recovery accounts -- sometimes it's a little on the nose. There are those times when withdrawal is just so overwhelming that the last thing I wanna do is spend a moment's more time thinking, reading, writing, engaging with anything withdrawal-related, even phenomenal tales of survival and triumph. Moreover, I've spent years of withdrawal without knowing I was going through withdrawal, so there was plenty of time to hone non-drug coping techniques (read: distractions) elsewhere. 

 

When I'm feeling low, I love to watch movies and tv/streaming shows about characters overcoming extraordinary obstacles to succeed. Same goes for human interest story podcasts. I am grateful for the catharsis gleaned from so many well-told narratives. Documentaries about paralympians; rescue/therapy dogs; visionary community leaders; creative endeavors; social justice initiatives; etc. Biopics about people rising above childhood adversity; people organizing and coming together to enact change; athletes working so hard to achieve their goals; etc. (There are some subjects I don't pursue, e.g. anything related to war. The whole point of this distraction strategy is to find stories that are sufficiently removed from my experience while still somehow adjacent in level of all encompassing challenge.)

 

I've got a special place in my heart for a solid well-made sports doc, as there is something perfectly inspiring and fascinating about the mental strength required to perform at an elite athletic level; and of course a good animal story that distills me to mush and tears is always a welcome antidote to emotional blunting. Nothing like the profound, primal release of sobbing in empathy with another living creature.  

Human beings and animals and trees and indeed all life on this planet go through such unimaginable trials and travails. It is par for the course to struggle and fight for survival and overcome. I find it endlessly useful to be reminded of that, not least because it helps put my psych-drug-debacle experiences into perspective. Not in a toxic, hierarchy-of-suffering, comparative way. Just like, oh yeah, I guess everyone gets something or other, and let's learn from how others have managed their lot. It makes me feel connected and in awe. And when it really hits the spot it makes me cry, which always makes me feel better afterwards.  

 

Today's GRATITUDE award goes out to everyone who participates in the storytelling that lends itself to being used as a survival resource. 

 

 

 

 

 

Ariel, I'm putting a you tube link to this guy Eduardo Garcia's story. He's a chef by profession and  was out hunting elk. He was electrocuted by some type of equipment that should have been turned off but wasn't. I watched this a couple of years ago and never forgot it. It was mind blowing. I hope it inspires you and isn't triggering in any way. Just an incredible story of everything he went through to recover from his horrendous injuries.

 

 

 

65 y/o Female

Current meds:

Started:26 February, Propranolol 5 mg 8am and 8 pm

Started: 11 March 2022, Ativan : 0 .25mg 1pm and 9pm

Off Seroquel since early October 2022

Off Lunesta since early September 2022 

 

Other meds: Levothyroxine 50mcg with extra 25mcg Mon. Wed. Fri.

 

 

 

 

Link to comment
4 hours ago, Mdawg said:

Hey, I just wanted to add my two cents about the cravings as a withdrawal-addled certified personal trainer/in the process of refamiliarizing my body with exercise post injury during withdrawal/ person in recovery from eating disorders.

 

 I feel the same way about the gut not wanting it, but the brain does. From what I’ve learned, appetite regulation can sometimes be about blood flow.  For example, the 2-3 hours immediate after a hard workout, I have no appetite. ESPECIALLY if the workout consisted of mainly resistance training.  Cardio on the other hand, tends to trigger more of an appetite ( blood circulation during cardio is more diffuse throughout the body, and our nervous systems associate cardio with having burned a larger amount of energy, even if that is not actually the case for a single workout).  During weight training or other types of resistance, like vigorous swimming or biking for example, the blood flows more acutely into the muscles and body periphery I. E. The head and brain and limbs, I. E. AWAY FROM THE DIGESTIVE SYSTEM.

 Now this might mean that one still receives the chemical cravings for food in terms of the promise of a dopamine hit, but resistance training as well (especially if it’s something fun like a pleasant swim routine or weight circuit or boxing) can provide much more dopamine than food. 
What I have done to resist or avoid the buildup of food cravings in withdrawal, while still acting within my nervous system limits, is:

1. Go swimming if possible OR

2. Get a good set of light weights including small hand weights, ankle weights, small kettlebell, and resistance bands at home

and develop a fun routine with or without music or with aromatherapy or watching tv or nothing else if you don’t need the extra stimulation, and do your routine (really feeling it in your muscles and getting down on a mat on the floor, rolling around, dancing, whatever) every time you have a food craving that you wish to avoid.

Also, I read a study in which it was discovered that resistance training when done properly and paired with some light cardio can stimulate production of the same brain chemicals that are triggered by ADHD meds.

food for thought anyway I hope this helps, and forgive me if I spoke too soon as I have not yet read to the end of this thread

 

 

Also I’m sorry for making this comment as this advice only works for me about 25% of the time at best.  So just to be honest I know things are different for everyone and at different times 

2007-Prozac then off replaced with Zoloft 

2008- Off Zoloft replaced with Fluvoxamine 

2008-2009 50mg Fluvoxamine 

2009-2020 150mg Fluvoxamine 

2013-14 addition of Lexapro and Zyprexa

2015 back to only Fluvoxamine 

2019-2021 additional 150mg Wellbutrin 

2020-present taper off Fluvoxamine and Wellbutrin 

2022 - mid-February - last dose 25 mg Wellbutrin

July 2021 25 (12.5 twice a day) mg Fluvoxamine hold

switch to compounded XR 12.5 mg Fluvoxamine capsules twice a day mid July 2022

Magnesium, Fish Oil, microdose CBD 

Link to comment

@Rosetta

Thank you for your lovely message.

 

14 hours ago, Rosetta said:

I’m sorry to see that your tummy is giving you trouble.  That is a common problem for me, but it is becoming less common as I recover.

 

Yesterday I was out walking the family dog. At the sight of his perfect poo I found myself overcome with envy! Haha  

PAWS (!) can really put one's life ambitions in perspective. At this point I'd be overjoyed with a Bristol 4 and a good night's sleep. 

 

I'm glad your digestion is improving. <3

 

14 hours ago, Rosetta said:

That did wonders for me eggnog (mmm, eggnog? Roflol)

 

Autocorrect is one of my favorite poets ;-)

 

Wishing you moments of peace and lightness,

A. 

1996-2018 - misc. polypharmacy, incl. SSRIs, SNRIs, neuroleptics, lithium, benzos, stimulants, antihistamines, etc. (approx. 30+ drugs)

2012-2018 - 10mg lexapro/escitalopram (20mg?)    Jan. 2018 - 10mg -> 5mg, then from 5mg -> 2.5mg, then 0mg  -->  July 2018 - 0mg

2017(?)-2020 - vyvanse/lisdexamfetamine 60-70mg    2020-2021 - 70mg down to 0mg  -->  July 2021 - 0mg

March-April 2021 - vortioxetine 5-10mg (approx. 7 weeks total; CT)  -->  April 28th, 2021 - 0mg

supplements: magnesium powder (dissolved in water) as needed throughout the day; 1 tsp fish oil w/ morning meal; 2mg melatonin 

August 1, 2022 - 1 mg melatonin

 

Courage is fear that has said its prayers.  - Karle Wilson Baker

love and justice are not two. without inner change, there can be no outer change; without collective change, no change matters.  - Rev. angel Kyodo williams

Holding multiple truths. Knowing that everyone has their own accurate view of the way things are.  - text on homemade banner at Afiya house

 

I am not a medical professional; this is not medical advice. 

Link to comment

Hi @Mdawg

Thank you for your messages of support. Means a lot. 

 

7 hours ago, Mdawg said:

If your thoughts are garbage, then I’m a raccoon! Or a rat… possum… all three 

This made me smile. <3

 

Thank you for sharing your valuable insights. I appreciate you.

Wishing you moments of peace and lightness,

A. 

1996-2018 - misc. polypharmacy, incl. SSRIs, SNRIs, neuroleptics, lithium, benzos, stimulants, antihistamines, etc. (approx. 30+ drugs)

2012-2018 - 10mg lexapro/escitalopram (20mg?)    Jan. 2018 - 10mg -> 5mg, then from 5mg -> 2.5mg, then 0mg  -->  July 2018 - 0mg

2017(?)-2020 - vyvanse/lisdexamfetamine 60-70mg    2020-2021 - 70mg down to 0mg  -->  July 2021 - 0mg

March-April 2021 - vortioxetine 5-10mg (approx. 7 weeks total; CT)  -->  April 28th, 2021 - 0mg

supplements: magnesium powder (dissolved in water) as needed throughout the day; 1 tsp fish oil w/ morning meal; 2mg melatonin 

August 1, 2022 - 1 mg melatonin

 

Courage is fear that has said its prayers.  - Karle Wilson Baker

love and justice are not two. without inner change, there can be no outer change; without collective change, no change matters.  - Rev. angel Kyodo williams

Holding multiple truths. Knowing that everyone has their own accurate view of the way things are.  - text on homemade banner at Afiya house

 

I am not a medical professional; this is not medical advice. 

Link to comment

Hi @Pollyjay

Thank you for sharing this video. Sounds like an incredible story.

 

Earlier today in the wee hours when I couldn't sleep I watched Oprah's recent interview with Viola Davis, who has just published a memoir. Their conversation was very moving. Davis has overcome so much adversity, it's mind-blowing. 

 

Oprah inquires how Davis has managed to survive. Davis keeps coming back to the necessity of learning to love and accept oneself. They also talk about courage. At one point Davis quotes writer Anne Lamott: 

 

Courage is fear that has said its prayers.

 

Wow. 

 

Pollyjay, I appreciate your posts across SA and your kind, honest voice. It often helps me to feel less alone when I read what you're going through. Glad you're here (sorry you have to be here, but glad you are, considering... You know what i mean). And I love hearing about your animals and picturing you spending time with them. Very comforting to think about. Thank you. 

 

Wishing you moments of peace and lightness,

A.

1996-2018 - misc. polypharmacy, incl. SSRIs, SNRIs, neuroleptics, lithium, benzos, stimulants, antihistamines, etc. (approx. 30+ drugs)

2012-2018 - 10mg lexapro/escitalopram (20mg?)    Jan. 2018 - 10mg -> 5mg, then from 5mg -> 2.5mg, then 0mg  -->  July 2018 - 0mg

2017(?)-2020 - vyvanse/lisdexamfetamine 60-70mg    2020-2021 - 70mg down to 0mg  -->  July 2021 - 0mg

March-April 2021 - vortioxetine 5-10mg (approx. 7 weeks total; CT)  -->  April 28th, 2021 - 0mg

supplements: magnesium powder (dissolved in water) as needed throughout the day; 1 tsp fish oil w/ morning meal; 2mg melatonin 

August 1, 2022 - 1 mg melatonin

 

Courage is fear that has said its prayers.  - Karle Wilson Baker

love and justice are not two. without inner change, there can be no outer change; without collective change, no change matters.  - Rev. angel Kyodo williams

Holding multiple truths. Knowing that everyone has their own accurate view of the way things are.  - text on homemade banner at Afiya house

 

I am not a medical professional; this is not medical advice. 

Link to comment

@arbor @Happy2Heal @Onmyway @Greatful and everyone here

 

Thank you so much for sharing your thoughts about the how/what/when/whether to warn others. It's enlightening and fortifying to read what you have to say and hear about your experiences. You are awesome. 

 

Upon receiving your reflections it appears clear there is no one way, no definitive "right" way to approach the subject or broach the issue. I guess sometimes I find myself longing for a set script, predetermined and perfectly efficient; a monologue I could memorize and deliver with successful impact every time. That's obviously a fantasy. What I've found thus far is that it is -- I am -- a lot more messy and unpredictable, especially as I'm still going through withdrawal and navigating all sorts of WD-related instability, which influences my "performance" in this matter. I don't know how I'll feel about having gone through this once I'm out the other side, but for now while I'm still in it my (neuro-)emotions and state of mind are very much on "rapid shuffle". And of course I'm still quite isolated and rarely interact with people in social contexts where it would be even remotely relevant to mention anything (I'm not gonna regale my friendly cashier with an account of my psych-drug-induced travails). 

 

What I've arrived at for now (until further notice) is: I accept that communicating about withdrawal syndrome and the many other dangers and risks of psychiatric medication is a fraught issue for me. I accept that it feels complicated and loaded. I accept that I am still very much in process of healing and grieving. I am still processing reality, both big picture and little picture. And I accept that it's a lot to handle, more than enough for the time being. My number one priority is caring for myself as best I can in healing process, trying to get through the day, practicing skills and techniques and being gentle with myself, learning to love myself better, listen to my body, etc. All the things I'm busy recommending other people do! Haha  Isn't there a saying, We teach what we most need to learn. I have my hands full practicing following my own advice. I accept that I don't have the answers. I accept that I feel a h*lluva lotta feelings about this whole mess we're in, and that many of those feelings are uncomfortable, and I welcome them all as part of my healing process. After decades of drugs f*cking with my feelings and thoughts in all kinds of insidious ways, including cutting me off from my true feelings, I'll be d*mned if I'm not gonna feel them now when they grace me with their presence. I want to live and heal and that rhymes with give and feel hahaha oof my brain is so tired today, I'm babbling I need to stop and rest, getting lost, seems i'm outta words -- 

 

what i'm trying to say is I've come to the conclusion that it's okay. Here and now in this moment I am okay and it's gonna be okay. 

 

Thank you all. You help me more than I can say.

Peace, love, light, healing, gratitude 

 

 

1996-2018 - misc. polypharmacy, incl. SSRIs, SNRIs, neuroleptics, lithium, benzos, stimulants, antihistamines, etc. (approx. 30+ drugs)

2012-2018 - 10mg lexapro/escitalopram (20mg?)    Jan. 2018 - 10mg -> 5mg, then from 5mg -> 2.5mg, then 0mg  -->  July 2018 - 0mg

2017(?)-2020 - vyvanse/lisdexamfetamine 60-70mg    2020-2021 - 70mg down to 0mg  -->  July 2021 - 0mg

March-April 2021 - vortioxetine 5-10mg (approx. 7 weeks total; CT)  -->  April 28th, 2021 - 0mg

supplements: magnesium powder (dissolved in water) as needed throughout the day; 1 tsp fish oil w/ morning meal; 2mg melatonin 

August 1, 2022 - 1 mg melatonin

 

Courage is fear that has said its prayers.  - Karle Wilson Baker

love and justice are not two. without inner change, there can be no outer change; without collective change, no change matters.  - Rev. angel Kyodo williams

Holding multiple truths. Knowing that everyone has their own accurate view of the way things are.  - text on homemade banner at Afiya house

 

I am not a medical professional; this is not medical advice. 

Link to comment

oh and @TentacleFinn thank you so much for the generous proofreading offer -- feels very supportive. an ace up my sleeve for sure. xx

1996-2018 - misc. polypharmacy, incl. SSRIs, SNRIs, neuroleptics, lithium, benzos, stimulants, antihistamines, etc. (approx. 30+ drugs)

2012-2018 - 10mg lexapro/escitalopram (20mg?)    Jan. 2018 - 10mg -> 5mg, then from 5mg -> 2.5mg, then 0mg  -->  July 2018 - 0mg

2017(?)-2020 - vyvanse/lisdexamfetamine 60-70mg    2020-2021 - 70mg down to 0mg  -->  July 2021 - 0mg

March-April 2021 - vortioxetine 5-10mg (approx. 7 weeks total; CT)  -->  April 28th, 2021 - 0mg

supplements: magnesium powder (dissolved in water) as needed throughout the day; 1 tsp fish oil w/ morning meal; 2mg melatonin 

August 1, 2022 - 1 mg melatonin

 

Courage is fear that has said its prayers.  - Karle Wilson Baker

love and justice are not two. without inner change, there can be no outer change; without collective change, no change matters.  - Rev. angel Kyodo williams

Holding multiple truths. Knowing that everyone has their own accurate view of the way things are.  - text on homemade banner at Afiya house

 

I am not a medical professional; this is not medical advice. 

Link to comment
On 5/5/2022 at 1:03 PM, Blossom71 said:

I wish you lived near me as I could be your walking buddy. We could walk around the park with a hot chocolate or ice-cream and admire all the lovely doggos being walked. Or we could walk around the neighbourhood admiring peoples gardens and judging those who don't do their weeding often enough!   And i'd try reeeaaallly hard to be very very quiet 😂

 

Haha!

How sweet to think about... Thank you <3

 

1996-2018 - misc. polypharmacy, incl. SSRIs, SNRIs, neuroleptics, lithium, benzos, stimulants, antihistamines, etc. (approx. 30+ drugs)

2012-2018 - 10mg lexapro/escitalopram (20mg?)    Jan. 2018 - 10mg -> 5mg, then from 5mg -> 2.5mg, then 0mg  -->  July 2018 - 0mg

2017(?)-2020 - vyvanse/lisdexamfetamine 60-70mg    2020-2021 - 70mg down to 0mg  -->  July 2021 - 0mg

March-April 2021 - vortioxetine 5-10mg (approx. 7 weeks total; CT)  -->  April 28th, 2021 - 0mg

supplements: magnesium powder (dissolved in water) as needed throughout the day; 1 tsp fish oil w/ morning meal; 2mg melatonin 

August 1, 2022 - 1 mg melatonin

 

Courage is fear that has said its prayers.  - Karle Wilson Baker

love and justice are not two. without inner change, there can be no outer change; without collective change, no change matters.  - Rev. angel Kyodo williams

Holding multiple truths. Knowing that everyone has their own accurate view of the way things are.  - text on homemade banner at Afiya house

 

I am not a medical professional; this is not medical advice. 

Link to comment

@Rrsfc@Faure@Blossom71   

Thank you kindly for your lovely messages. I feel your support and it means the world. 

 

It is truly a uniquely healing experience to be on the receiving end of such tender care and compassion as is offered in this community. It feels extra special as it is extended by people who are actually equipped to know what it is one is going through. Thank you for sharing your experience and reaching out. 

 

There are so many incredibly brave, intelligent, kind, generous, wise, good people here -- the brightest and best. Sometimes I feel like if we were ever to all gather in person our collective light could illuminate the world in a magical mystical flash! It is immensely encouraging to know that people like you exist. 

 

My brain's a bit foggy today, I'm sorry I haven't managed to reply to your posts one by one. I appreciate you individually, singularly, and wholly. 

You help me every day, just by being you. Thank you. And thanks for making me laugh! I love your jokes. 

 

Wishing everyone a gentle night <3

 

1996-2018 - misc. polypharmacy, incl. SSRIs, SNRIs, neuroleptics, lithium, benzos, stimulants, antihistamines, etc. (approx. 30+ drugs)

2012-2018 - 10mg lexapro/escitalopram (20mg?)    Jan. 2018 - 10mg -> 5mg, then from 5mg -> 2.5mg, then 0mg  -->  July 2018 - 0mg

2017(?)-2020 - vyvanse/lisdexamfetamine 60-70mg    2020-2021 - 70mg down to 0mg  -->  July 2021 - 0mg

March-April 2021 - vortioxetine 5-10mg (approx. 7 weeks total; CT)  -->  April 28th, 2021 - 0mg

supplements: magnesium powder (dissolved in water) as needed throughout the day; 1 tsp fish oil w/ morning meal; 2mg melatonin 

August 1, 2022 - 1 mg melatonin

 

Courage is fear that has said its prayers.  - Karle Wilson Baker

love and justice are not two. without inner change, there can be no outer change; without collective change, no change matters.  - Rev. angel Kyodo williams

Holding multiple truths. Knowing that everyone has their own accurate view of the way things are.  - text on homemade banner at Afiya house

 

I am not a medical professional; this is not medical advice. 

Link to comment

for my own reference:

barely slept last night. approx. 10:30pm - 12:30am, woke up in a state. emotional, mental, physical agitation. haven't been able to calm down. high neuro-emotions -- fear, anxiety, despair, anguish, shame, self-loathing, etc. -- the whole shebang! DP/DR. SI.

trying to breathe and connect with inner stillness, dignity, agency. reminding myself i am capable.  

(* note * had some bites of dried fig yesterday afternoon (highly unusual). could the fructose have been a contributing factor?)

1996-2018 - misc. polypharmacy, incl. SSRIs, SNRIs, neuroleptics, lithium, benzos, stimulants, antihistamines, etc. (approx. 30+ drugs)

2012-2018 - 10mg lexapro/escitalopram (20mg?)    Jan. 2018 - 10mg -> 5mg, then from 5mg -> 2.5mg, then 0mg  -->  July 2018 - 0mg

2017(?)-2020 - vyvanse/lisdexamfetamine 60-70mg    2020-2021 - 70mg down to 0mg  -->  July 2021 - 0mg

March-April 2021 - vortioxetine 5-10mg (approx. 7 weeks total; CT)  -->  April 28th, 2021 - 0mg

supplements: magnesium powder (dissolved in water) as needed throughout the day; 1 tsp fish oil w/ morning meal; 2mg melatonin 

August 1, 2022 - 1 mg melatonin

 

Courage is fear that has said its prayers.  - Karle Wilson Baker

love and justice are not two. without inner change, there can be no outer change; without collective change, no change matters.  - Rev. angel Kyodo williams

Holding multiple truths. Knowing that everyone has their own accurate view of the way things are.  - text on homemade banner at Afiya house

 

I am not a medical professional; this is not medical advice. 

Link to comment
  • Moderator

Hi @Ariel

so sorry to hear you are in so much distress! Remember that this is your body reacting, these feelings do not reflect you, they are just neurons misfiring in their effort to rebalance. You WILL BE ok. You are such a bright light here on SA and I wish I could reflect back the amount of joy and kindness you bring to this site. 

 

Sending you good thoughts and hugs. 

 

OMW

PS. Emergency remedies

- ice cold water in the face - you are trying to distract the neurons by overwhelming them with another extreme sensation

- a warm shower/bath - can be calming 

- an ibuprofen (works for emotional pain as well) or aspirin (may lower cortisol)

 

"Nothing so small as a moment is insurmountable, and moments are all that we have. You have survived every trial and tribulation that life has thrown at you up until this very instant. When future troubles come—and they will come—a version of you will be born into that moment that can conquer them, too." - Kevin Koenig 

 

I am not a doctor and this should not be considered medical advice. You can use the information and recommendations provided in whatever way you want and all decisions on your treatment are yours. 

 

In the next few weeks I do not have a lot of capacity to respond to questions. If you need a quick answer pls tag or ask other moderators who may want to be tagged. 

 

Aug  2000 - July 2003 (ct, 4-6 wk wd) , citalopram 20 mg,  xanax prn, wellbutrin for a few months, trazodone prn 

Dec 2004 - July 2018 citalopram 20 mg, xanax prn (rarely used)

Aug 2018 - citalopram 40 mg (self titrated up)

September 2018 - January 2019 tapered citalopram - 40/30/20/10/5 no issues until a week after reaching 0

Feb 2019 0.25 xanax - 0.5/day (3 weeks) over to klonopin 0.25 once a day to manage severe wd

March 6, reinstated citalopram 2.5 mg (liquid), klonopin 0.25 mg for sleep 2-3 times a week

Apr 1st citalopram 2.0 mg (liquid), klonopin 0.25 once a week (off by 4/14/19- no tapering)

citalopram (liquid) 4/14/19 -1.8 mg, 5/8/19 - 1.6 mg,  7/27/19 -1.5 mg,  8/15/19 - 1.35, 2/21/21 - 1.1 (smaller drops in between), 6/20/21 - 1.03 mg, 8/7/21- 1.025, 8/11/21 - 1.02, 8/15/21 - 1.015, 9/3/21 - 0.925 (fingers crossed!), 10/8/21 - 0.9, 10/18/21 - 0.875, 12/31/21 - 0.85, 1/7/22 - 0.825, 1/14/22 - 0.8, 1/22/22 - 0.785, 8/18/22 - 0.59, 12/15/2022 - 0.48, 2/15/22 - 0.43, 25/07/23 - 0.25 (mistake), 6/08/23 - 0.33mg

 

Supplements: magnesium citrate and bi-glycinate

Link to comment

Thank you, @Onmyway 

Your kindness is a gentle and effective distraction for the neurons <3

Now if you'll excuse me, I'm gonna try to get away while they're busy looking in the other direction!

1996-2018 - misc. polypharmacy, incl. SSRIs, SNRIs, neuroleptics, lithium, benzos, stimulants, antihistamines, etc. (approx. 30+ drugs)

2012-2018 - 10mg lexapro/escitalopram (20mg?)    Jan. 2018 - 10mg -> 5mg, then from 5mg -> 2.5mg, then 0mg  -->  July 2018 - 0mg

2017(?)-2020 - vyvanse/lisdexamfetamine 60-70mg    2020-2021 - 70mg down to 0mg  -->  July 2021 - 0mg

March-April 2021 - vortioxetine 5-10mg (approx. 7 weeks total; CT)  -->  April 28th, 2021 - 0mg

supplements: magnesium powder (dissolved in water) as needed throughout the day; 1 tsp fish oil w/ morning meal; 2mg melatonin 

August 1, 2022 - 1 mg melatonin

 

Courage is fear that has said its prayers.  - Karle Wilson Baker

love and justice are not two. without inner change, there can be no outer change; without collective change, no change matters.  - Rev. angel Kyodo williams

Holding multiple truths. Knowing that everyone has their own accurate view of the way things are.  - text on homemade banner at Afiya house

 

I am not a medical professional; this is not medical advice. 

Link to comment

Please sign in to comment

You will be able to leave a comment after signing in



Sign In Now
×
×
  • Create New...

Important Information

Terms of Use Privacy Policy