Ariel: protracted withdrawal and PAWS

[Faure]

Sorry to hear today is not good and neither was the night. I was thinking today how you have already done 5 years of WD alone. You are amazing to have got this far. Hang in there a better day will come along and maybe you’ll meet that cockapoo again xx

[Ariel]

GRATITUDE 

 

- visit from friend from out of town. we went for a walk (approx. 6km, longer than i am usually able to manage on my own bc of monkey interference; my body is capable of more than my mind/brain will allow; hashtag working on it). felt so good to walk long, i could've gone longer but friend is very pregnant! grateful to her for traveling to see me, esp. in her condition. we get together on average twice a year. this time i had the chance to tell her about withdrawal. she is a good listener. i felt relieved to share with her. she received the information in a measured, non-reactive (but not unresponsive) kind of way. at first i was unsure whether i felt she was being "sufficiently compassionate" (what can i say, i'm an a**hole) but then i realized she was allowing lots of space for my feelings (of which there was no shortage) and not crowding the field with her own emotional response (such as it may have been). ultimately the way she listened and received felt very generous and supportive. as i've mentioned here before, part of me is always like, yeah but aren't you shocked? aren't you outraged? and it can be confusing for my poor little neuro-emoting withdrawal monkey to witness someone not having an existential meltdown upon learning about withdrawal and all the big pharma/psych lies. monkey's like, did you hear me? why have you yet to fall to your knees or leap up onto the barricades? do you not grasp the staggering implications of what i impart to you? etc. but i am grateful for my friend modeling equanimity and avoiding the trap of emotional contagion. not least as this allowed for the charged subject to be given its due without lingering unduly, whereafter we were able to organically move on to talking about other things, lovely joyful topics such as her nearly 4 y.o. daughter and the baby on the way, as well as parenting, flowers, watercolors... it was so nice to see her and made me happy to spend time with her and feel that she is doing well and in a good place in her life. i enjoyed her company and i enjoyed enjoying her company. it was good to find myself having an unproblematic, uncomplicated, fruitful social experience, including positive emotion and adequately keeping it together (aware of monkey antics in background without spiraling or letting monkey run the show). i trust that my friend cares about me, i felt it implicitly in her verbal and non-verbal actions, and that helped me feel like more of a real person again. 

 

- the weather was overcast today after weeks on end of relentless sun. it's hard to believe i'm saying this but i've found the sunshine to be grueling, all that adversarial brightness grating on my senses. it was a relief to be out in dull non-descript cloudiness. it was still warm with more than enough light to challenge my dark glasses. i just felt more comfortable with the stimulus muted. it was also relaxing for my brain to not have to process stark graphic contrast of direct sunlight and shadow. a withdrawal-approved change, for a change. 

 

- i have been trying to drum up some cash by selling a few possessions via classified ads in the local pennysaver. this afternoon someone stopped by to purchase and pick up a kitchen appliance i had listed, and it was a very pleasant interaction. they were remarkably nice and we had a friendly rapport, and i think we were both satisfied with the sale (i'm grateful for the income). our communication was smooth, the transaction was easy. it was as good a pennysaver experience as one can hope for. a moment of authentic human connection, pure and simple. i cherish this kind of exchange and find it moving and meaningful when it arises. 

 

- haven't had any stomach trouble despite the rebellious fig intake yesterday afternoon. bm morning and evening, both slightly better than usual. *glances surreptitiously over each shoulder* i think i got away with it!

 

- made myself delicious fish and seaweed dinner. 

 

- oh! and i cleaned the kitchen for an hour (for the first time this year maybe?) (thank you, shame, for lighting a fire under my a**, in anticipation of the pennysaver stranger's visit. i never thought i'd ever, ever say this but limited-edition, one-time-only: shout-out to shame! and gratitude for the capacity to harness its power for good). there's still more to do, but the great thing about a properly nasty "before" is that it doesn't take much to arrive at some semblance of an "after", and the "results" appear more impressive than they actually are.  

 

- my period (day 3) has been relatively gentle. for the first time in years (!), no headaches or migraines thus far. it may be too early for a full-throated hallelujah, but gratitude o' magnitude for sure 

 

- not having slept last night is currently making my approaching curfew feel extra sweet and getting into bed feels like it's my birthday

 

- @Onmyway and @Faurewhose timely messages have made me feel less alone through today's challenges. thank you for your kindness and support.

 

- the SA community, for being. not least i felt strongly that feeling connected to this community helped me feel more present with my friend today and had a positive influence on our time together. it's like, now i know that you are all here and you've got my back and understand -- really truly understand and know -- this transformative, complex life experience i'm going through, bc we are all on some version of this wild ride. and that took a lot of pressure off of my friend and our friendship. it did not feel necessary for her to understand or try to understand, bc i can get that level of understanding here. i did not need her to give me something she'd never be able to give, and i did not need our friendship to hold something that it could never hold. i did not harbor the same frustration or desperation or subsequent alienation as i may have done in the past. i felt an abundance, like i didn't have to worry about putting all my eggs in my friend's basket (which never works and is unfun for all parties involved). i think this is what it feels like to have a support system... thank you SA for being the most beautiful living breathing support (eco)system. you are a gift. 

 

- last but not least @JanCarol whose writing i have been savoring and whose spirit makes me tingle with alive-ness from top to toe. reading your words makes me feel tuned in to live-transmission healing frequency, and i love it. 

 

- made it through the day. feeling much better now than i did last night or earlier today. 

 

THANK YOU <3

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

[Ariel]

MORE! GRATITUDE! 

 

- it's raining! after many dry dry dry weeks. ah... the various sensory impressions feel divine. 

 

- managed to write and send off a very, very difficult email earlier. took me hours and monkey may as well have been kitty marching up and down the keyboard. ridiculous levels of interference. really put my anti-spiral skills to the test. it was like pulling teeth but i got through it, and i'm so glad it's done. 

 

*

 

an embarrassment of riches...

 

i am reaching out to last night's and this morning's sleepless restless uncomfortable pained self to say:

hey babe, it's future self. i know it sucks right now. i see you are hurting. here, take my hand. let's be present together. i'm here now to keep you company from a better place where you are not alone. let's journey there...

 

goodnight xx

[Erell]

@Ariel, Ariel, thank you for your posts, all of them, I love reading you, I feel like you have such a falicity in transcribing what is going on in my brain!

 

22 minutes ago, Ariel said:

as i've mentioned here before, part of me is always like, yeah but aren't you shocked? aren't you outraged? and it can be confusing for my poor little neuro-emoting withdrawal monkey to witness someone not having an existential meltdown upon learning about withdrawal and all the big pharma/psych lies.

THIS ! Exactly ! I often feel frustrated because the people around me don't seem to understand what is going on, and I feel a strong need to feel that they are outraged, revolted and that they realise how difficult this process is. Do you really hear what I'm saying ? 

But then you write this : 

27 minutes ago, Ariel said:

i realized she was allowing lots of space for my feelings (of which there was no shortage) and not crowding the field with her own emotional response (such as it may have been). ultimately the way she listened and received felt very generous and supportive.

Wow. Exactly. Again. Thank you for giving me the opportunity to question this urgent need I feel that others absolutely understand, and for giving me a new perspective.

 

So tonight, among my evening gratitudes, will be this post.
Thank you for sharing your journey with such sincerity.

This adventure has allowed me to understand the importance of peer support, and how it is thanks to it that I am growing.

I'm glad you got some relief from your stomach and your period was smoother.
And well done for that clean kitchen: completing tasks is such a challenge sometimes!
I could clearly offer you my services: cleaning is my favourite coping skill when the agitation gets tough, I just LOVE it ! 😂

Take care Ariel, you really are special soul ☀️

 

[Faure]

@Ariel & @Erell what a beautiful couple of posts. They bring tears to my eyes. 
 

@Altostrata I wanted you to see this, if you haven’t already ❤️
 

16 hours ago, Ariel said:

the SA community, for being. not least i felt strongly that feeling connected to this community helped me feel more present with my friend today and had a positive influence on our time together. it's like, now i know that you are all here and you've got my back and understand -- really truly understand and know -- this transformative, complex life experience i'm going through, bc we are all on some version of this wild ride. and that took a lot of pressure off of my friend and our friendship. it did not feel necessary for her to understand or try to understand, bc i can get that level of understanding here. i did not need her to give me something she'd never be able to give, and i did not need our friendship to hold something that it could never hold. i did not harbor the same frustration or desperation or subsequent alienation as i may have done in the past. i felt an abundance, like i didn't have to worry about putting all my eggs in my friend's basket (which never works and is unfun for all parties involved). i think this is what it feels like to have a support system... thank you SA for being the most beautiful living breathing support (eco)system. you are a gift. 

 

[Altostrata]

Beautiful. Thank you, @Faure, @Erell, and @Ariel

[Ariel]

Not infrequently do I send gratitude into the aether thanking the countless content creators whose work keeps me much-needed company amidst the desert island wilderness of withdrawal. 

 

In recent months I have had the pleasure and edification of listening to the following audiobooks (sometimes repeatedly). Each author's voice, words, spirit have brought me solace in troubled times, swaddling me to sleep or soothing me through sleeplessness.

 

(in no particular order)

 

Every Good Boy Does Fine: A Love Story, In Music Lessons - by Jeremy Denk 

https://www.jeremydenk.com/book

 

The Hawk's Way: Encounters With Fierce Beauty - by Sy Montgomery

https://symontgomery.com/the-hawks-way/

 

No Walls and the Recurring Dream: A Memoir - by Ani DiFranco

https://www.righteousbabe.com/products/no-walls-and-the-recurring-dream-hardcover

 

Seven Brief Lessons on Physics - Carlo Rovelli 

https://www.sevenbrieflessons.com

 

What My Bones Know: A Memoir of Healing From Complex Trauma - by Stephanie Foo   ( * trigger warning: childhood abuse/trauma * )

https://www.stephaniefoo.me

 

Ten Steps to Nanette: A Memoir Situation - by Hannah Gadsby   ( * trigger warning: psychiatry/diagnoses; childhood abuse/trauma * )

https://sites.prh.com/hannah-gadsby

 

The Octopus Scientists: Exploring the Mind of a Mollusk   ( * trigger warning: climate change * )  

http://symontgomery.com/the-octopus-scientists/

 

 

THANK YOU. 

 

 

* Note: I have tried to include trigger warnings but I'm not sure they're comprehensive. Please take care of yourself. <3

[Ariel]

Here are a couple of podcasts which feature poems read aloud. The episodes are short, which can be practical.

 

Sometimes I listen for pure pleasure; sometimes it can be a very effective way to "change the channel" or distract or even meditate, in a way.

 

Receiving a poem artfully shared can really hit the spot. More often than not I feel more quiet and spacious afterwards.  

 

 

The Slowdown (episodes approx. 5-7 min.) 

https://www.slowdownshow.org

 

Poetry Unbound (episodes average 15 min.)

https://onbeing.org/programs/welcome-to-poetry-unbound/

 

 

THANK YOU. 

 

 

[Ariel]

GRATITUDE  

 

Thank you, kale.

Thank you, Lucille. 

 

*

 

cutting greens 

by Lucille Clifton 

 

curling them around

i hold their bodies in obscene embrace

thinking of everything but kinship.

collards and kale

strain against each strange other

away from my kissmaking hand and

the iron bedpot.

the pot is black,

the cutting board is black,

my hand,

and just for a minute

the greens roll black under the knife,

and the kitchen twists dark on its spine

and I taste in my natural appetite

the bond of live things everywhere.

 

*

 

Copied from https://www.poetryfoundation.org/poems/54590/cutting-greens where you can also listen to the audio recording of Lucille Clifton herself introducing and reading her poem.  

[Greatful]

@Ariel  Wow did you hit the nail on the head--When you were talking about your friend--Sadly I am still in the place where I want them to understand the pain I am going through---I thank you for showing me that I what I am really want is to be validated..  I guess that comes from the inner child poking it's head out again--LOL  You are so much more advanced in your self healing and acceptance of who you are...😊I am slowly working my way there---I am reading the book Your Body Keeps the Score--- Very insightful---This journey sure does teach us a lot about ourselves---the monkey brain and the inner child that hasn't quite found it's self....🙉 🙄

So many people are lost when it comes to these drugs and what they can do to you---So your right-- we can come on SA to get the validation we need- the reassurance that what we are experiencing is real and we are not alone--

That this in a normal process of healing from these drugs-- No we are not crazy and these drugs/Withdrawal don't define us---

 

Hugs ♥️

 

[Ariel]

@Erell

Thinking about you today, not least because ... (drum roll please) ... I cleaned my bathroom! And the kitchen, somewhat.  

 

On 5/10/2022 at 8:47 PM, Erell said:

I could clearly offer you my services: cleaning is my favourite coping skill when the agitation gets tough, I just LOVE it ! 😂

 

Ever since you shared the above, I've thought about it once in a while and it always makes me smile. You're right, I could certainly use your services!

 

Cleaning is not my strong suit, which has been exacerbated by some withdrawal-weird/neuro-emotion fear/anxiety/disgust around chemicals and detergents. I use supposedly all-natural, non-toxic, environmentally friendly, fragrance-free cleaning products but still feel a little freaked out about it (this is one of those wacky withdrawal idiosyncracies; I didn't always have such a strong aversion). Also I find the sensory impressions challenging to handle. Sometimes I have to wear a face mask to shield myself from the chemical smells/fumes.  

 

Anyway today I cleaned and it felt "logically" satisfying even though I couldn't quite connect to my emotions. I thought of you and your courage in recovery and dedicated the day's cleaning session to your healing. I also said a little prayer, along the lines of:

 

Please let Erell heal and be so well that there is nothing at all that needs to be coped with --

Please let Erell forget all about cleaning because life is just so good! ;-)  

 

(Not that I wish you to live in filth, per se -- unless you want to; I don't judge -- but I think you know what I mean.) 

 

I felt like I had the strength of your company and constructive habits, which helped me get through the task. Thank you, Erell. 

Love, gratitude, healing to you <3

A. 

[Erell]

Well @Ariel, I recognise the achievement and the effort: it is sometimes amazing how insurmountable some tasks seem!

So yes, the drum rolls are well deserved !

And I am very happy to have accompanied you in the accomplishment of this task: it is an enormous gift that you are giving me here, to give me the opportunity to support you in a concrete way. ❤️

 

Rest assured, you're not alone, I think we all have blockages that appear or are exacerbated while going through WD. For some reason, since the beginning of this mess, I have a big problem with shampoo, with putting my head under water. So, you see, clean house but greasy hair. 😂

 

I thank you deeply for your little prayer, I think it had an effect because yesterday I was very lazy, and laziness is wonderful, it's the body that starts to allow itself to rest. 🙏

 

Thank you Ariel, I am very grateful for your presence here and for the words you share: some of your recent posts have offered me much comfort and new insights into my situation. The magic of peer support. ❤️ 

 

 

Please let Ariel heal and be so well that there is nothing at all that needs to be coped with.

[Ninabird]

@Ariel

Hi there. How are you doing? Thinking good thoughts for you. 🌺🌺🌺🌺🌺🌺🌺

 

ninabird🥰

[Ninabird]

@Ariel

Hello there. How are you doing today? 
It is sunny and warm here in Northern Ca. I’ve been up since 6am. I’m dealing with some issues from crossing back over to pull form from liquid. Yesterday was a rollercoaster but I still managed to get my nails done, run some errands and squeeze some happy times in when I had a few windows. I love the advice given by the mods especially @brassmonkey. He said enjoy the windows and when you are in a wave know that’s it won’t last forever. 
I told myself that a lot yesterday. 
 

Hope to hear from you. Sending you love and light. 🌺❤️🙏🏻🌺❤️🙏🏻🌺❤️🙏🏻🌺❤️🙏🏻

[Mirtazapine20mg]

Just read through your introduction. My God Ariel, you can write. I'm in awe. When you are healed, and if you are not already doing so, please write for the world to read. That's it. That's the post. 

[Faure]

Hello, how are you doing?

[Ariel]

Hello @Faure

I'm okay... Hangin' in (t)here.

Distracting

Faking it till I make it 

AAF AF LOL 

How 'bout you? 

[Ariel]

Dear, kind @Onmyway

Thank you for sharing your update.

I feel moved by what you have written.

 

I started replying to you over in your thread but it got really long and I didn't want to clog things up, so I thought it might be best to post my reply to you over here in my own intro topic. (I've ended up writing a lot about myself, anyway.) 

 

Reading that you have been struggling with really big life issues and a health scare, my heart goes out to you. I hold space for your experience. 

 

3 hours ago, Onmyway said:

I just want to say that I wish that this part of my life wasn't mine - that I could shed these few years like a snake skin and just move onto the next stage.

 

I hear you. How well you have expressed this.

 

Maybe we are indeed molting, albeit veeery slooowly. Or micro-molting in teeny-tiny increments individually imperceptible, which will eventually add up to a more consciously felt whole. 

 

I often think about metamorphosis, and what happens inside the cocoon. There is a stage where everything recognizable disintegrates and dissolves into this incredible goo, this sort of mush of pure life potential and transformation-in-process. If one were to dissect a cocoon at that moment, its insides would bear no resemblance to anything recognizable at all, let alone the larva it once was or the wingling it has yet to become. It is awe-inspiring to behold and contemplate -- from the outside. From the inside ... ?  

Thinking about this helps me, especially in the long and arduous process of protracted withdrawal. I often say to myself: We're in the goo. Sometimes I say to myself: We are the goo. 

It reminds me that transformation and creative process are ongoing and mysterious and powerful -- the essence of life itself -- and the way I experience them from the inside is not necessarily indicative of what is actually taking place (I do not claim or need to know what is "actually" taking place) as seen from a different time/space perspective.

 

Withdrawal/life often feels like the absolute simultaneous nothing-and-everything-ness of (the) Goo.

To be honest, I don't know that I'll ever feel like some clearly defined, properly developed butterfly ... My embodied experience of being alive is that it's all process all the time. 

(Uhm ... losing brainpower, not feeling sharp enough to elaborate or elucidate further, but I trust you get what I mean, where I'm going with this.) 

 

3 hours ago, Onmyway said:

Having said that, there is still beauty in my life. The evening when a wave of sadness washes over me in the summer air and my eyes tear up - despite all, those hours are strangely beautiful.

 

I can relate to this. I don't know what you mean, of course, but it resonates with me. 

When I am able to experience sorrow and feel sadness it is beautiful. Sometimes there is pleasure to be found there. Speaking for myself, it is an experience of presence. When I am able to be present with what is -- regardless of whether the emotions are "happy" or "sad" -- this experience of presence is profoundly nourishing. It's a connectedness and being with what is. 

 

3 hours ago, Onmyway said:

One thing that I am struggling with that I can actually share is letting go of the frustration caused by a friend of mine. I have known her for 21 years now and we got onto our medicines at the same time.

 

3 hours ago, Onmyway said:

I keep telling her about the drugs and she just won't do anything about it. I am worried that at some point she will be killed by these drugs - they have stopped her vrylar (AP) due to lack of authorization. She is feeling the effects but won't believe they are from withdrawal. I feel so helpless. She has severe childhood trauma and so believes that she is broken and that she needs these drugs because she is broken.

 

Whoa. It sounds like we have the same friend(ship)(s). 

Onmyway, it's like I could have written this myself! 

 

I cannot say I am done struggling with this, although it has helped me greatly to take some steps back from the relationship(s) concerned. I had to tell myself, Okay, we're getting triggered by this situation/person and feeling like we want to "rescue"/"save"; maybe we're too close to it and projecting too much. In my case there has definitely been an element of, because I'd known this person for so long -- we'd been young together, and our bonding has been, in part, based on adverse experiences and psychiatric trajectories -- I was/am strongly identified with them, especially in these particular aspects of life experience. That sort of identification is really powerful; it's not consciously forged and I don't know that it can be consciously undone. I realized that because of this underlying identification there were elements of my behavior and reactions where I was playing out some deeply encoded childhood-programmed codependency dynamics and getting lost in that. I was not enacting healthy adult boundaries with this person. As a result my own complex enmeshment/entanglement was causing me suffering (and, perhaps obviously, it wasn't doing anything good for the relationship, and probably not for my friend, either). I also got to a point where I just felt the whole situation was not serving me, and I wanted/needed to prioritize my healing process above all else. Eventually all of this and more led to an organic distancing (on both our parts, really) that has felt mostly peaceful and appropriate/welcome. When other feelings/thoughts about it/my friend/the friendship come up from time to time, I try to sit with that; it feels like there are important lessons for me to learn about my patterns (overextending, savior complex, feeling hurt/disappointed/resentful/rejected/abandoned/lost when my efforts are not reciprocated, etc. etc. -- all rich compost for my garden!) and behaviors I do not want to perpetuate. In grieving the friendship (I thought) we had (which may never actually have existed outside of my projections), I sometimes tell myself: Well, we outgrew X. Which then begs the challenge for me to actually grow (prove to myself that I have grown/am growing -- be the change). I am trying to learn and in this sense my friend and our friendship are good teachers. And all that being said, ultimately in the here and now, I'm really just trying to make things a little easier on myself. Going through this really hard thing of WD and life crisis, etc., if/when a relationship becomes too draining/taxing, I try to take that experience seriously (without judgment) and listen to myself and give myself the gift of letting go of that person/relationship. Detaching, or not-attaching, not holding on unduly. Not necessarily in any kind of definitive, demonstrative "I am breaking up with you," way (unless that is called for, as it sometimes is, e.g. in situations where someone egregiously violates boundaries), but more like, "I am giving myself some time and space in relation to this person, to facilitate healing and spending my precious energy on saving/putting myself first." I let go of interpersonal expectations and social conventions as well as ideas about the future -- steering away from "always" and "never" and trying not to think ahead -- who knows whether we will ever reconnect or not? That doesn't matter right now. Here and now I'm just trying to keep my own oxygen mask on, put one foot in front of the other, take care of myself as best I can and live through this, and I'm trying to learn to be really, really honest about where I'm at and what I can and cannot do. Sometimes the hardest part of that is accepting my own (considerable!) limitations and forgiving myself for them (i.e. practicing radical love, acceptance, compassion, trust). Withdrawal certainly affords me ample opportunity to practice. 

 

(Porridge mind -- grueling in every sense, haha ... So many words, maybe this is all goo, too! Oh well. From me and my goo, through goo to you.) 

 

Onmyway, I so appreciate your presence here. Your generosity, wisdom, clarity, kindness, openness, insight, honesty, warmth are all so enriching. You help me so much and I know I am one of many. Thank you. 

Reading your update is a humbling and inspiring reminder that you do all your wonderful work here while also navigating life challenges behind the scenes, which is truly impressive. I hope you give yourself lots of credit for all your hard work in every realm. 

You are awesome. You are Onyourway! 

 

Holding space and 

Sending you a big HUG (if I may),

A. 

[Ariel]

@Moonpie

 

Throughout WD I've experienced intermittent symptoms mimicking those of urinary tract infection (UTI) or bladder infection, e.g. frequent overwhelming urge to pee; occasional mild incontinence; burning; itching; discomfort; etc. These symptoms always seem to show up out of nowhere and disappear just as suddenly. They don't last long; as far as I can remember, they've only ever lasted a number of days in a row (less than a week at a time, I think). Often they're gone for a good, long while and I'll go months where everything is normal, then overnight it'll come on again. 

 

Based on my experience and what I have been experimenting with over the years, my understanding of these symptoms in my case (trying to be really careful here because I only have myself to go on, and don't want to assume that it's the same for anyone else) is that they occur as a result of a) overactivation of the sympathetic nervous system; and b) chronic tension held in the pelvic floor muscles.

 

Chronic pelvic floor tension is subconscious and affects millions if not billions of us, both female and male. It is very, very, very common and a result of lifestyle, socialization, culture, stress, nervous system dysregulation, etc. -- assorted contributing factors. Many of us experience a range of issues directly related to chronic pelvic floor tension, including but not limited to incontinence, various kinds of sexual dysfunction, pain, even digestive difficulties (throughout the digestive system, incl. throat), as well as possibly (arguably) a range of emotional/mental manifestations.

 

There are two main things to consider in relation to the WD-related issues we touch upon here.

- chronic tension causes muscle weakness, as the muscle is not able to fully express itself in its range of extension(relaxation)-contraction, and thus it isn't able to build/maintain strength, and grows weak.  

- something about chronic pelvic floor tension and nervous system dysregulation/overactivation can affect both (nerve) sensation/connection/contact/signaling and delicate bacterial balances in the genital region, causing experiences of aforementioned symptoms mimicking UTI or bladder infection or others. 

 

To be clear, I do not have the knowledge or expertise to explain this or precisely identify the underpinning mechanism(s). I am going on my intuitive understanding and embodied lived experience. And the theory is not really the point here, anyway.

 

What I'm trying to get at is what I have experimented with doing and what has helped me: 

- Pelvic floor relaxation exercises

- Psoas release exercises  

- Progressive relaxation exercises (e.g. body scan) which include the pelvic area and genital region (many guided meditations sort of skip over, which is unfortunate and a missed opportunity)

- any kind of gentle, calming physical activity that facilitates full-body relaxation and supports the parasympathetic nervous system in its response

- any kind of physical activity that stimulates blood flow to the brain and encourages circulation (incl. to/through the pelvic region) -- these exercises should not be so extreme as to unduly raise cortisol levels (so as not to exacerbate withdrawal issues) but it's okay to raise heart rate somewhat, as blood-pumping effect is desirable

- cold-water plunge/showers

- relaxation exercises (incl. breathing exercises/practices, if those are indeed felt/experienced to be relaxing -- sometimes breathing exercises make me tense up, in which case I avoid them as long as that's the case) 

- I've also tried very gentle forms of whole-body massage (no direct pelvic/genital massage, but the overall effect was very relaxing)

- biodynamic craniosacral therapy treatment (facilitates deep rest and relaxation)

- (there may be more but I can't think of any more right now offhand)

 

The throughline is to encourage and facilitate a) muscle relaxation; b) release of chronic tension; c) parasympathetic nervous system "rest" mode; d) good circulation/chi flow. All of these will also to some extent support and inform each other. 

 

In addition, spending time practicing awareness of sensation in the pelvic/genital region is hugely helpful. This can take a while to tune into, meaning it can take months of practice to gradually build that awareness. One gets more and more attuned to sensation the more often one practices -- doesn't have to be long sessions, it can be a few minutes at a time, once or a few times a day. Just taking a moment to check in with that part of one's body -- How's it feeling? What am I feeling? Maybe I'm not feeling anything, maybe I'm feeling something subtle, maybe I'm feeling something new or familliar, etc. etc. Practicing just being with those sensations and feeling them without judgment or reaction. Over time this develops better contact and awareness (this might involve neurological processes, neural pathways, neurogenesis, etc. -- I'm not an expert) and one gets to know this part of one's body better. This is a huge advantage moving forward in being able to check in a monitor for pelvic floor tension, as well as being able to respond by releasing it; which become easier to do the more awareness and contact is available to us. 

 

This practice of awareness and feeling sensation can be practiced at the same time as any of the above activities or it can be practiced on its own or even while doing something else entirely, e.g. driving or washing dishes. 

 

Note: I am not talking about Kegels. They are not on my list Kegels because I do not find them helpful or holistic. I'm not a fan, especially as they can be tricky to implement constructively because so many of us arrive at Kegel exercises from a place of preexisting chronic muscle tension, mucking things up. The exercises are all too often performed incorrectly, lacking adequate time, focus, and instruction around muscle release and relaxation, and thus end up having a counterproductive effect, leading to increased chronic pelvic floor tension, thereby further weakening the muscles and causing/cementing problems.

(There, that's my little Kegel rant!)

 

The whole point is to work on releasing chronic tension, encouraging muscle relaxation (which has to be relearned/retrained if the muscles have habituated to tension). To create new habits of relaxing pelvic floor muscles instead of contracting them. If they are allowed to relax and supported in "learning how to relax", they will actually contract on their own in organic response to most normal physical activity, and eventually grow stronger.  

 

My brainpower is fading fast (having a feeble-mind day), I'd better wrap this up. To be continued, possibly. 

 

All of this to say is that everything above has helped me "treat", i.e. productively, creatively address and respond to, those various bothersome intermittent pelvic floor and genitourinary symptoms -- without drugs, without doctors, avoiding the allopathic medical model. Incidentally I've also successfully used those techniques/exercises/approaches/modalities to help work on PSSD and PGAD and dyssynergic defecation.

 

My intuition is that a lot of what's behind these phenomena has to do with nerve connection and reestablishing/building/developing contact and signalling (neural pathways?) between brain and the countless nerves in pelvic and genital regions. But I'm way too tired and know much too little about it to venture into those weeds right now. Suffice it to say I have found all of the above helpful in healing, and continue to do so.  

 

[TrazodoneShouldBeIllegal18]

March-April 2021 - vortioxetine 5-10mg (approx. 7 weeks total; CT)

 

SSNI/SSRIs are really rough compared to just a SSRI. When you started this after quitting Escitalopram in 2018, what was the reason? Did this help and why did you CT and stop? They say this could prolong recovery. The people here who state they have recovered, are able to stop and very slowly recovery over many months to years in time.

[Onmyway]

On 5/30/2022 at 1:35 AM, Ariel said:

Dear, kind @Onmyway

Thank you for sharing your update.

I feel moved by what you have written.

 

I started replying to you over in your thread but it got really long and I didn't want to clog things up, so I thought it might be best to post my reply to you over here in my own intro topic. (I've ended up writing a lot about myself, anyway.) 

 

Reading that you have been struggling with really big life issues and a health scare, my heart goes out to you. I hold space for your experience. 

 

 

I hear you. How well you have expressed this.

 

Maybe we are indeed molting, albeit veeery slooowly. Or micro-molting in teeny-tiny increments individually imperceptible, which will eventually add up to a more consciously felt whole. 

 

I often think about metamorphosis, and what happens inside the cocoon. There is a stage where everything recognizable disintegrates and dissolves into this incredible goo, this sort of mush of pure life potential and transformation-in-process. If one were to dissect a cocoon at that moment, its insides would bear no resemblance to anything recognizable at all, let alone the larva it once was or the wingling it has yet to become. It is awe-inspiring to behold and contemplate -- from the outside. From the inside ... ?  

Thinking about this helps me, especially in the long and arduous process of protracted withdrawal. I often say to myself: We're in the goo. Sometimes I say to myself: We are the goo. 

It reminds me that transformation and creative process are ongoing and mysterious and powerful -- the essence of life itself -- and the way I experience them from the inside is not necessarily indicative of what is actually taking place (I do not claim or need to know what is "actually" taking place) as seen from a different time/space perspective.

 

Withdrawal/life often feels like the absolute simultaneous nothing-and-everything-ness of (the) Goo.

To be honest, I don't know that I'll ever feel like some clearly defined, properly developed butterfly ... My embodied experience of being alive is that it's all process all the time. 

(Uhm ... losing brainpower, not feeling sharp enough to elaborate or elucidate further, but I trust you get what I mean, where I'm going with this.) 

 

 

I can relate to this. I don't know what you mean, of course, but it resonates with me. 

When I am able to experience sorrow and feel sadness it is beautiful. Sometimes there is pleasure to be found there. Speaking for myself, it is an experience of presence. When I am able to be present with what is -- regardless of whether the emotions are "happy" or "sad" -- this experience of presence is profoundly nourishing. It's a connectedness and being with what is. 

 

 

 

Whoa. It sounds like we have the same friend(ship)(s). 

Onmyway, it's like I could have written this myself! 

 

I cannot say I am done struggling with this, although it has helped me greatly to take some steps back from the relationship(s) concerned. I had to tell myself, Okay, we're getting triggered by this situation/person and feeling like we want to "rescue"/"save"; maybe we're too close to it and projecting too much. In my case there has definitely been an element of, because I'd known this person for so long -- we'd been young together, and our bonding has been, in part, based on adverse experiences and psychiatric trajectories -- I was/am strongly identified with them, especially in these particular aspects of life experience. That sort of identification is really powerful; it's not consciously forged and I don't know that it can be consciously undone. I realized that because of this underlying identification there were elements of my behavior and reactions where I was playing out some deeply encoded childhood-programmed codependency dynamics and getting lost in that. I was not enacting healthy adult boundaries with this person. As a result my own complex enmeshment/entanglement was causing me suffering (and, perhaps obviously, it wasn't doing anything good for the relationship, and probably not for my friend, either). I also got to a point where I just felt the whole situation was not serving me, and I wanted/needed to prioritize my healing process above all else. Eventually all of this and more led to an organic distancing (on both our parts, really) that has felt mostly peaceful and appropriate/welcome. When other feelings/thoughts about it/my friend/the friendship come up from time to time, I try to sit with that; it feels like there are important lessons for me to learn about my patterns (overextending, savior complex, feeling hurt/disappointed/resentful/rejected/abandoned/lost when my efforts are not reciprocated, etc. etc. -- all rich compost for my garden!) and behaviors I do not want to perpetuate. In grieving the friendship (I thought) we had (which may never actually have existed outside of my projections), I sometimes tell myself: Well, we outgrew X. Which then begs the challenge for me to actually grow (prove to myself that I have grown/am growing -- be the change). I am trying to learn and in this sense my friend and our friendship are good teachers. And all that being said, ultimately in the here and now, I'm really just trying to make things a little easier on myself. Going through this really hard thing of WD and life crisis, etc., if/when a relationship becomes too draining/taxing, I try to take that experience seriously (without judgment) and listen to myself and give myself the gift of letting go of that person/relationship. Detaching, or not-attaching, not holding on unduly. Not necessarily in any kind of definitive, demonstrative "I am breaking up with you," way (unless that is called for, as it sometimes is, e.g. in situations where someone egregiously violates boundaries), but more like, "I am giving myself some time and space in relation to this person, to facilitate healing and spending my precious energy on saving/putting myself first." I let go of interpersonal expectations and social conventions as well as ideas about the future -- steering away from "always" and "never" and trying not to think ahead -- who knows whether we will ever reconnect or not? That doesn't matter right now. Here and now I'm just trying to keep my own oxygen mask on, put one foot in front of the other, take care of myself as best I can and live through this, and I'm trying to learn to be really, really honest about where I'm at and what I can and cannot do. Sometimes the hardest part of that is accepting my own (considerable!) limitations and forgiving myself for them (i.e. practicing radical love, acceptance, compassion, trust). Withdrawal certainly affords me ample opportunity to practice. 

 

(Porridge mind -- grueling in every sense, haha ... So many words, maybe this is all goo, too! Oh well. From me and my goo, through goo to you.) 

 

Onmyway, I so appreciate your presence here. Your generosity, wisdom, clarity, kindness, openness, insight, honesty, warmth are all so enriching. You help me so much and I know I am one of many. Thank you. 

Reading your update is a humbling and inspiring reminder that you do all your wonderful work here while also navigating life challenges behind the scenes, which is truly impressive. I hope you give yourself lots of credit for all your hard work in every realm. 

You are awesome. You are Onyourway! 

 

Holding space and 

Sending you a big HUG (if I may),

A. 

What a beautiful, beautiful post @Ariel, I read it shortly after you wrote it and it made me tear up. I wanted to write a proper reply but time has just flown again and I don't have the right words. I like the analogy to a butterfly - I wonder what will emerge from our goo. I can tell my view of life and my attitude towards so many things have changed a lot. I am a little less trusting (and hopefully safer), a little more in touch with my inner life. I often doubt my current preferences in life - are they guided by the WD or by what I genuinely want. How does one know what one really wants in life? How often does that change? 

 

I often go back to this poem that I found on the London tube last summer. I hope that is how we come back into this world - to stir the skies

 

I love having you on these boards @Ariel, I love your beautiful words, your kindness and care, your wisdom and simple presence. Thank you for being part of my recovery!  <3 

OMW

[LunaLex]

Hey beautiful human. Just stopping in to give my love and wishes for easy days. 

 

I am sitting at trivia and to be honest, I am pretty stressed. This wave has made me late on this move (Less than two days to do it all, why did I do this!) and it is making me be hard on myself. While sitting here, though I found myself thinking of how I should be kind to myself. And that made me think of you and your words, your kindness and reminders of strength and to be gentle.

 

I have been missing reading your updates and wondering how you are doing in your own life and journey. I hope you remember to celebrate your own strength and be gentle with yourself. I hope life is being kind to you like you are to us all. And now I am tearing up in public thinking about it, hah! Don't worry, I won't cry, instead I will finish trivia with a smile in a hope it sends you some brightness. 

 

Fluffy cat purrs and love to you. x

[Faure]

Hello @Ariel, just seen your new role - moderator☺️. You are such a help to so many people here, thank you for being here and all your super contributions ☺️

[Believer]

Ariel,

Thank you for becoming a mod! Your posts are all filled with wisdom, compassion and hope. You are a shining light for those of us on this often dark and lonely journey. I enjoy reading you. 😊

 

Believer

[wantrelief]

Hello @Ariel:  Congratulations on becoming a moderator!  I along with so many others have already benefited from your wisdom.  Thank you for being here.

[Greeneyedfelines]

Quote

On 5/10/2022 at 7:03 PM, Ariel said:

it was good to find myself having an unproblematic, uncomplicated, fruitful social experience, including positive emotion and adequately keeping it together (aware of monkey antics in background without spiraling or letting monkey run the show). i trust that my friend cares about me, i felt it implicitly in her verbal and non-verbal actions, and that helped me feel like more of a real person again. 

 

- the weather was overcast today after weeks on end of relentless sun. it's hard to believe i'm saying this but i've found the sunshine to be grueling, all that adversarial brightness grating on my senses.

@AerialI stumbled across this post during one of my all too frequent nights when sleep doesn’t come easy.
 

I love everything about this post and identify with so much of what you write! Thank you for sharing.

 

I will continue to read more of your posts at a more civilised hour!

 

Wishing you continued encounters and moments that inspire gratitude 🙏☺️

 

[Oaktree1]

On 6/3/2022 at 9:54 PM, Believer said:

 

thank you for becoming a mod! Your posts are all filled with wisdom, compassion and hope. You are a shining light for those of us on this often dark and lonely journey. I enjoy reading you. 😊

 

Hi @Ariel

 

Just wanted to chime in with Believer and Wantrelief on the mod news.  I very much second the above.

 

Oaktree1 🌸

[almuPA]

Hello, @Ariel,

 

I just want to THANK YOU. Thank you for taking the time to write in here, for being such an example, and to be able to explain in such a beautiful way the challenges that we are going thought, not only in WD but in life in general. Also, of course, thank you for the support and help you bring to the members of this community. Ah! And also thank you for the list of books and podcasts. I am always on the search on new things to listen or the read (I still dont read the amount I read prior to WD, but getting there little by little). I would read anything you'd write, though, if one day you feel like it:)

 

[FeralCatman]

@Ariel I just read your introduction. I have not gone through the entire thread. Since you were medicated at an early age it is no wonder you have many questions about yourself, who you are, where you are headed etc. In time you will sort through all of it and the picture will become clearer. There will be many contortions and theories and research and backtracking and running in circles trying to figure things out. Prior to starting my journey getting off of meds I put a lot of work into that process and made a lot of head way. Back in 2006 I realized that I could not just rely on meds as I was being told and started down the path to self discovery, better health, and un-patienting myself. The mental health system teaches you to not trust your own feelings or ideas and draws you into believing that your only salvation is through them. This couldn't be further from the truth. I am fortunate to have an awesome therapist who helped me through this process so by the time I got off the Seroquel much of the self discovery work had been done. You have the double whammy of withdrawal and self discovery to deal with at the same time and I imagine that is infinitely more difficult than dealing with one at a time. That said. You are doing it. You have already healed quite a bit. You will get to a much better place in time and you are already well down that road. You will be better and stronger in the long run. You are already tougher than the bulk of people out there just for having survived the system that was supposed to help you. All you have to do is keep moving forward. Even if you feel like you are sometimes chasing your tail it all fits into the big picture of healing and will benefit you. As is everyone on this website, you are on the Kitty Prayer List 😉✌️😸😸😸😸

 

[Ariel]

I've made a few missteps posting too-long messages (about myself! ugh) in other members' threads. I have a tendency to get inspired when writing to others and can sometimes get carried away. I'm sorry to have clogged up people's topics and possibly distracted/diverted attention from their important histories. In an effort to rectify that I will re-post here, and the original posts can be hidden from view as needed to clear space.

 

@Erell @savinggrace I apologize. 

[Ariel]

16 hours ago, Ariel said:

Survival mode indeed. 

 

To tell you the truth, Grace, I don't remember what it's like to not be operating in survival mode most of the time. 

I can't even wrap my mind around the idea of other people living their lives almost never being in survival mode. I don't try to understand it. 

 

I'm trying to just keep my nose to the grindstone. Not look too much to the left, not look too much to the right, not look down. On better days I look up a bit and enjoy catching a glimpse of the horizon, even though I don't really feel it's got anything to do with me. Nevertheless I'm glad to find it's still there when I check in periodically. 

 

Ever since a specific formative disconnect in early adolescence (a "straw that broke the camel's back" incident), the good periods have been defined by a sense of relief over not feeling awful. The two modes have been survival and existing. I am curious about living and thriving, but am not personally familiar with these modes. I hear good things. 

 

It can be difficult these days to connect with people I once knew who have no personal experience of these gears of operation. At best such exchanges can be friendly in a perfunctory sort of way, like neighbors waving hello across the fence. But the fence is insurmountable. I live among these people but we do not visit each other. 

 

Often, participating in the SA community is the most normal I've felt in a long time. Here I don't think about being broken or my life being an irredeemable failure (or any of the countless other negative thoughts that run through my mind these days; I'm not saying I believe them, just that they take up a lot of space on a daily basis). It's such a welcome rest from being alone with the relentless existential pain, self-loathing, disorientation, absurdity, etc. 

 

Thank you for being here, friend. 

I send you love,

A.

 

P.S.

Coming back to add this edit: I'm sorry if that was too much of a downer! I'm having some difficult days at the moment. 

I do believe in healing and recovery. I trust in love and kindness and compassion and wholeness. 

 

I'm not sure where the boundaries run between feeling one's feelings and wallowing in self-pity; but I know the former sounds like a generous description, and the latter sounds judgmental, so let's go with the former. I am trying to feel my feelings. They don't feel that great at the moment, but I'm feeling what there is to be felt. (Maybe?)

 

I'm sorry you have so much to bear, Grace. I wish I could help ease your burden. 

Maybe I will watch a comedy this evening and dedicate my giggles to you. Let's share a laugh, what do you think? Honestly, I don't know what there is to do except laugh. 

 

Sending you a hug 

 

https://www.survivingantidepressants.org/topic/27239-anesthesia-and-benzos/?do=findComment&comment=596066

 

[Ariel]

On 6/9/2022 at 10:17 PM, Ariel said:

Hi there @Erell

Thought i'd stop by to share a little goodnight story.

 

Two days ago around 8pm there was a sudden knock at my front door. It was so unexpected and the sound was such a shock, I felt intense startle reflex ripple through my entire body. Instantaneous WD fear reaction. I froze and my mind started freaking out, generating panicked signals. 

 

At the same time, part of me was giggling observing my extreme reaction. There was a voice saying, Omg, you've become such a total hermit, and such a complete anti-social paranoiac, that you are cowering in terror because of a knock at your door!?!! 

 

Even though part of me was laughing at myself, my nervous system did not find it funny at all. I hid in my bed until the knocking stopped and I heard the footsteps in the stairwell retreat and fade. I was shaking my head at my reaction, but at the same time, it was beyond my control. I knew it was WD, but I still felt a bit silly. And the worst part was I was so very curious to know who had stopped by to knock on my door! I got out of bed and opened the door to see if maybe someone had left something for me on my doorstep, but there was nothing there. I felt it was a missed opportunity. 

 

Well guess what? I'd forgotten all about this incident, when this evening around 8pm there was a loud knocking on my door again. I was already in bed but this time I wanted to know what the fuss was all about! I jumped out of bed (like a graceful gazelle! no, not at all -- like a clumsy, uncoordinated, groggy foggy WD klutz) and threw on some clothes and rushed to open the door lest the mystery knocker disappear in the meantime. 

 

Turns out it was my upstairs neighbor's adolescent-ish son, standing there with a big bag of fancy chocolates. He has thrown some noisy parties in the past 6 months (his mother spends a lot of time at her boyfriend's place, I think, so he has the house to himself a lot). I've been trying to be very tolerant, but a while back I finally couldn't take it anymore and complained to his mother. (Felt very guilty and O-L-D afterwards!) And suddenly tonight here he was at my door, armed with a bag of sweets and a very sincere-sounding apology. I hope the sight of him helped replace neuro-fear with a calmer, more trusting neural pathway in my brain!

 

It wasn't until after I'd closed the door that I thought to myself, Oh no, I can't eat any of this!  Which really, really made me laugh. No chocolate or sugar for me in WD, not even now, when I'm on my period. Any other time in my life, this would've been the greatest surprise/timing ever. 

 

So, my friend. I reach out through the aether and offer you an impressive assortment of fancy treats. Perhaps I might split them with you and we can virtually indulge, at no risk to our delicate systems. In honor of our healing brains and bodies, with all due deference to hormonal fluctuations and unusual, delightful manifestations of the universe knocking at our respective doors -- help yourself to the taste of teenage contrition. (There's even enough for Bob, if he's partial to sweets? I'll let you decide whether or not to share.)

 

Wishing you a peaceful night, sending healing vibes <3

A.

 

https://www.survivingantidepressants.org/topic/21457-erell-struggling-with-paroxetine/?do=findComment&comment=595909

 

[Ariel]

15 hours ago, Ariel said:

@Erell

A little epilogue to last night's story. 

 

Today I was sorting through the big bag of sweets I'd received from the upstairs neighbor's son. I wanted to organize them into smaller goodie bags to give away, as I cannot eat them myself, and you are a virtual recipient (no less important for it, though).

 

There were so many of these fancy sweets, the sheer volume made me suspicious. I kept thinking to myself, Does this kid work in a candy shop? I imagined his mother telling him to make a nice gesture to "the lady downstairs" (blech, hard to believe that to some people that's who I might be! haha, life is one long series of (perceived) humiliations; but I digress). I imagined him going to work and grabbing everything he could out of some sort of personnel bin and stuffing it into his backpack and bringing it home. I was making up this scenario in my mind, and at the same time I was chastising myself for my cynicism. 

 

And so there I am, preparing to re-gift the gift, and telling myself stories amidst many other thoughts, when I notice something: an expiration date for February 2022. Intrigued I check all the expiration dates on all the boxes of chocolates and individually wrapped treats and sure enough, the whole lot of it is past the official expiration date! 

 

This really made me laugh. I laughed and laughed. I don't even know why it was so hilarious. The absurdity of the situation just seemed to skyrocket to the next level. 

 

Now, don't get me wrong. I'm not a snob. If I weren't in WD and able to tolerate sweets I would have torn into that stash regardless. Everything is vacuum packed and hermetically sealed and expiration dates for most processed foods are BS anyway. I have been known to dumpster dive and save expired food and in my own refrigerator I often keep things long past their purported end-by dates.

 

But something about this kid, his gesture with the outsized candy delivery, the humanness of the weird ambivalence and insincerity/convenience of giving away a massive amount of fancy chocolates that I am convinced he got for free (somewhere, either at his job or maybe from some other connection like that) -- the superficiality and inadequacy and immaturity of the thing (and I am not using those adjectives judgmentally) --  found it deeply touching. Like, there's an honesty to it. You know? He doesn't care more than he cares, and that's okay. I'm not sure I can articulate what I mean beyond that. 

 

Ultimately I now feel more moved by this incident than before. And it still makes me giggle to think about. With a kind of tenderness for human fallibility, including my own. I am the grumpy lady downstairs, I am also my neighbor's son. And between us pass the banal, beautiful communications of quotidian human existence: a boisterous home-alone teen party; a noise complaint from a chronically ill neighbor; an apology as unexpected as it is performative; a giant bag of expired sweets. 

 

Goodnight, wishing you peaceful rest, sending healing vibes <3

A.

 

P.S. 

I'm aware I've just put up two long posts in your thread. I do not mean to clog things. If you feel it would be best to hide them please feel free. I was just following the muse (always blame the muse!). 

 

https://www.survivingantidepressants.org/topic/21457-erell-struggling-with-paroxetine/?do=findComment&comment=596083

 

[Ariel]

Cr@p. Shame spiral. Gonna go AAF and non-drug cope to the maxxx. 

Love to everyone 

[Erell]

oh dear @Ariel, no need to be ashamed!
I love reading you, and I always find something to grow and reflect on in your words!

I don't answer right away, because I'm trying to teach my brain to find comfort on its own without giving in to the impulse to ask for systematic reassurance. But I always feel joy when I get a sign from you  

 

You made me smile, that's quite a gift! ❤️

 

And, clearly, I recognised myself in your story: I now live in a very quiet place, but when this whole mess started I was living above a very party-going young man... and every time I grumbled, I heard a little voice in my head saying, " damn, you've aged quite a bit!"
Not to mention all the times I've stood still in my room so I didn't have to open my door! 😅

 

And what a plot twist ! 

I imagined you checking the date on each package!

"He doesn't care more than he cares, and that's okay" : love this!

 

(By the way, Bob doesn't really like sweets, he says the least you can do to apologise is to offer bags of vinegar crisps! 😍)

 

How are you this June? 
Only if you feel like answering, of course, this question is the one that allows me to tell you that I am thinking of you and that I cherish the hope that serenity will soon come to us. ☀️

[Ariel]

@Erell

Thank you for your kind message. 

 

I've had a breather and a (cold) shower and am coming around a bit. 

 

55 minutes ago, Erell said:

I'm trying to teach my brain to find comfort on its own without giving in to the impulse to ask for systematic reassurance.

 

This is interesting. Would you mind sharing a bit more about this? 

Reading it I thought, Uh-oh, sounds like something I should be teaching my brain, too. Haha!

But I'm not entirely sure what you mean. Is this something to do with the effect that social media has on our brains? 

 

I don't use the usual social media but of course I'm here on SA, which is a kind of social media, isn't it? Certainly it's the most I've ever used a public interactive internet forum. It does feel good to communicate and connect with others, so maybe it's doing something to/in my brain. 

I've read and heard people talking about "dopamine hits" from "likes" and how social media changes the way we pay attention and messes with our ability to be present and other such phenomena. I guess it makes sense that this could/would happen via SA use as well. 

 

Is that what you mean?

 

1 hour ago, Erell said:

I don't answer right away

 

Of course, Erell. That's not a problem. I know you're not asking for reassurance ;-) but it's certainly not a lack of reply that triggers my shame. 

 

WD-brain has surfaced a lot of shame that I never knew I carried. I remember reading something similar in comments made by you and Altostrata elsewhere on SA. I guess this happens to a lot of us. It makes sense when you think about it. Shame is a social emotion and starts early for most of us in childhood, both at home and out in the world. It must be quite common to have many formative experiences cased in shame. Of course in WD a lot of that is neuro-shame and neuro-(social) anxiety, but at least in my case I believe there are also some legitimate roots to it. It just gets amplified through the WD megaphone. I'm curious to find out where the shame and anxiety land, or where I land with them, on the other side of WD. Then I'll be better able to assess how much is me and how much was WD BS, and consider possibly getting some assistance with healing past wounds. For now so much of it feels distorted and false and magnified by the WD fun-house-mirror lens that I'd rather AAF and leave it alone as best I can. (Not always so good at that but I'm practicing.)

 

1 hour ago, Erell said:

By the way, Bob doesn't really like sweets, he says the least you can do to apologise is to offer bags of vinegar crisps!

Haha! This may be the one time I tend to agree with Bob... Mmm... Yum! 

I will put vinegar crisps on the list of things to look forward to when WD is over. And maybe when the time comes I'll consider sharing. But only if you behave yourself, Bob, and treat Erell with appropriate lovingkindness and compassion! 

 

1 hour ago, Erell said:

How are you this June? 
Only if you feel like answering, of course, this question is the one that allows me to tell you that I am thinking of you and that I cherish the hope that serenity will soon come to us.

Thank you, dear Erell. And what a beautiful way to phrase your inquiry. I sometimes feel self-conscious asking the How are you? question of people because I sometimes dread receiving it myself, and then I feel like maybe I shouldn't ask the other because what if they dislike it as much as I do! But then again, what if they don't mind it (or at least don't have such complicated feelings about it as I do), and I've missed an opportunity to show them that I care. Haha! (and this is something that has been tricky for me long before WD) So I do often qualify the question with some version of, No pressure, just expressing my sincere interest. I recognize in your perfect padding a way to soften the landing, and I appreciate it. 

 

I will think about it and maybe write more later. For now I think I need to get away from the screen for a while and get outside, get myself oxygenated and aerated, as I sometimes think to myself. 

 

Thanks for writing, Erell. <3