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Ariel

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  • Mentor
2 hours ago, Ariel said:

Cr@p. Shame spiral. Gonna go AAF and non-drug cope to the maxxx. 

Love to everyone 

Uh oh, never feels good. I think many of us here really appreciate your comments / thoughts / writing and it’s good to receive them. Glad you had a shower and are feeling a bit better now ☺️

am not a medical professional. I provide information and make suggestions based on my own experience and SA guidelines. I am unable to respond to private messages. 

Mirtazepine 15mg Nov 2018 -April 2019  April - Sept 2019 Mirtazepine down to around 6mg - skipping days to taper

October 2019 - Dec 2019 unwell from failed taper including jumping about in doses 

15 December 2019 to 13 June 2021 15mg Mirtazepine 

14 June 2021 started brass monkey Slide.  
2021: 23 August 12.3mg, 28 October 11.1mg, 6 Dec 10mg

2022: 12 Feb 8.5, 25 Oct 4.5mg

2023: 16 Jan 3.6mg, 28 Sept 1.8mg

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Hello Ariel,

 

No worries about posting in the wrong place.  I do that occasionally, myself, when I am anxious to respond to somebody.

 

I have to say that reading your  recent  posts startled me a bit.  You are here so much; finding a positive word and/or encouragement for everybody else, it is hard to imagine that you feel as poorly as you .  I under-estimated your own pain and I am sorry for that.  Often, the first thing I do is look at people's signatures.  When they are "OFF!" all drugs, I experience several emotions...jealousy, amazement, and then the inevitable feeling of SHAME.  I don't want to write out my life story, but the shame started in very early childhood and has carried on to this day.  As I near 68 years old, I feel shame that I "did this to myself" and that "other people can get off, why can't I?"  I fight that shame, though, and continue to share the reality of my story because I know there are others like me out there.  Just like your more candid post today, we   see the (hurting and suffering) Ariel, who, so often,  presents herself without letting anyone suspect how you still suffer, unless, of course, they go back and read your thread, which even I haven't done.  What I know is, you offer so much love and support and grace to me, and others...I am so sorry to hear that you made it to the end of the journey but it wasn't really over.  I, too, don't look too far out and in either direction and I, admittedly, never dare look at the horizon.

 

I guess I just wanted to tell you that shame, I believe, can be super disabling and I am working at being more open about the things that would never shame anyone else.  Shame can be awfully deep-rooted though.  I experienced it so early in life and it became part of me, even though (this may be hard to believe) I like who I am underneath all the physical and mental "Junk".  I try to hold my head high and not to be so hard on myself. 

 

I am currently working with a therapist, extremely closely, and an old-fashioned osteopath who tries to get to the root of physical problems.  They have both identified shame and fear and trauma as key themes in my psyche.  I already knew that.  They have validated the feelings and are working to help me overcome them.  I wonder if, at the age of 67, that is really possible?

 

11 hours ago, Ariel said:

It can be difficult these days to connect with people I once knew who have no personal experience of these gears of operation. At best such exchanges can be friendly in a perfunctory sort of way, like neighbors waving hello across the fence. But the fence is insurmountable. I live among these people but we do not visit each other. 

I know exactly what you mean here.  It is so alienating, isn't it?  Life is pretty lonely because it is very hard to have authentic relationships with people who haven't the foggiest idea what I am really coping with.  People know I am "sick" but I don't share details and am working on trying not to give explanations.  My therapist recently told me, "You owe no one explanations, and your friends don't need one!"  I think that is so true, but many friends have tired of me, still waiting for the "old me" to come back, when the reality is, this is the new me.  Love me as I am; not for who I used to be!

 

Sorry for the rant.  Your candidness today really hit home on a lot of levels.  I'll take some of those giggles.  For me, laughter is the VERY BEST medicine, though w/o tv, I find little to laugh about these days.

 

Big hug.

Grace

  • amitriptyline from 1980-2002,
  • intermittent  use of benzos over 2 decades prior to 2002
  • 2002-2010 Klonopin 1-2 mg., ambien 10--20, mg, remeron 4 mg. and  trileptal 300 mg
  • 2011 Stopped ambien and crossed over to valium 17.5 mg. (updosing 2.5 mg. to cover ambien C/T )
  • tapered valium w/ long holds to 12.74 mg. from a high of approximately 20-30 mg/day
  • 2015-2023 tapered trileptal to 98 mg.  had to completely stop tapering due to multiple chronic, serious health issues
  • currently 2024 still on 98 mg. trileptal and 4 mg. remeron
  •   Currently on benzo hold as I have to cross-over from brand-name valium to generic diazepam.   The diazepam is way weaker and brought on severe acute w/d
  • Current dose of diazepam is 7.9 and valium is 6.6.  I had to up-dose the total valium/diazepam from 12.74 to 14.5 where I have stayed since June 2023.  I am crossing over to generic at a somewhat tolerable rate of .3mg/month after about 2 months of trial/error w/ updosing.  I am not currently tapering; will continue to cross over. 

 

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  • Moderator Emeritus

Hello dear @Ariel
 

20 hours ago, Ariel said:

This is interesting. Would you mind sharing a bit more about this? 

Reading it I thought, Uh-oh, sounds like something I should be teaching my brain, too. Haha!

But I'm not entirely sure what you mean. Is this something to do with the effect that social media has on our brains? 


I'm not sure I'll manage to explain myself in English, but I can try. :) 
It's not about the effects of social media, I don't really have any activity on these media, I don't have anything to say or talk about and I must admit that I don't really understand how Instagram or Tik Tok work 😅
It's more about my activity on SA : when I say that I want to unlearn the impulse to look for reassurance here, it's because I never learned to have feelings of safety within myself, I never learned to find the resources within myself to live with my emotions and sensations, and I need to learn to do that.

When I was 14 and the doctors gave me benzo's and said "take them whenever you feel bad", I was told that what I was feeling was not normal and that the only way to deal with it was to suppress the feelings. I was also taught to always turn to a professional and ask for an immediate solution. 
I was never accompanied towards the notions of acceptance, towards the discovery of tools to understand my body, its reactions, my fears and to try to move forward with it. Nor was I ever taught that I could find resources within myself such as self-compassion, self-confidence and confidence in my values, or the right to feel and express feelings.

 

It's something I replicated when I came to SA: the need for constant reassurance, the need for someone to hold my hand. The beginning of my thread shows this blatantly.
And I still have those reflexes today when I come to my thread, the need for someone to constantly tell me that I'm going to get better, that I'm not doomed, that I'm going to be okay.
I'm not saying it's not important: support and mutual aid on SA is precious. ❤️ And, as you said, it does feel good to conenct and communicate with others, and it is very precious to be able to do this while living very isolated lives. 


It's just that, in my case, I have to be careful of how I'm doing it: it's like a form of OCD, this systematic need for someone to reassure you by telling you what you want to hear, except that the relief is short-lived and 5 minutes later you need someone else to say it again, etc etc.

 

I realise that part of my process is learning to find those 'safe spaces' within myself, learning that it's normal to have feelings and emotions (after all, it means I'm alive!), learning to find comfort within myself, learning to discover what tools help me. It's extremely difficult to do this work when you're in the middle of the whirlwind of the effects of these molecules, but I think it's important that I do it.
So I'm trying not to reply too soon on my thread, so I can learn not to give in to this "please tell me over and over and over again that I'm going to get better" urgencies.

 

Sorry for the long speech, I don't even know if it makes sense 🙃 But that's what I was trying to say.

 

21 hours ago, Ariel said:

WD-brain has surfaced a lot of shame that I never knew I carried. I remember reading something similar in comments made by you and Altostrata elsewhere on SA. I guess this happens to a lot of us. It makes sense when you think about it. Shame is a social emotion and starts early for most of us in childhood, both at home and out in the world. It must be quite common to have many formative experiences cased in shame. Of course in WD a lot of that is neuro-shame and neuro-(social) anxiety, but at least in my case I believe there are also some legitimate roots to it. It just gets amplified through the WD megaphone. I'm curious to find out where the shame and anxiety land, or where I land with them, on the other side of WD. Then I'll be better able to assess how much is me and how much was WD BS, and consider possibly getting some assistance with healing past wounds. For now so much of it feels distorted and false and magnified by the WD fun-house-mirror lens that I'd rather AAF and leave it alone as best I can. (Not always so good at that but I'm practicing.)

 

Once again, Ariel, I feel that you have succeeded in translating my thoughts into your words. This is exactly what I would like to express. Thank you very much, I really feel that your writing helps me to structure my thoughts. ❤️ 

 

 

The "How are you" question, I don't mind this question on SA. I don't like this question in "real" life, because I feel that it is asked by well-meaning people, but who want to hear something other than my reality. They want to hear "hey, yes, I was very bad, but it's all over and I'm back to my old self and ready to meet all the expectations of the outside world"... which is not the case, and I'm tired of seeing or hearing their disappointment, their weariness. 
And as savinggrace said very well on your thread : "but many friends have tired of me, still waiting for the "old me" to come back, when the reality is, this is the new me.  Love me as I am; not for who I used to be!"

I feel that this question is much more sincere on SA, that it comes from an honest and conscious interest in the many difficulties we face, and that it is a way of conveying support and a desire to offer a shoulder to talk on, because we know how difficult it is to tell the truth outside here.
But I wouldn't want to reproduce the vicious effects of that question here, of asking it because you want to hear that the person is better, that their symptoms have disappeared, and that this will feed your OCD-need for constant reassurance. You see, it's all connected 😄


 

Perhaps we can find another question to convey this desire for genuine support? I don't have an idea at the moment, but I'll think about it!

Okay Ariel, I'm going to stop here, because right now I'm the one who is feeling like I'm rambling on your thread !

Whether or not there is an answer to my question, and whatever it may be, I would like to send you a big hug, if you like them. ☀️

2006 : 20mg Paxil+Bromazepam. 2008 : cold turkey of both. 2010 : Reinstatement 20mg Paxil + Bromazepam.

2014-June2017 : Switch from Bromazepam to Prazepam, slow taper to 0mg.

2018 to August 2019 : Paxil 20mg taper (3% every 15 days). 22 Aug 2019 updose to 10mg (was at 8.4mg).

25th Sept 2019 To April 2020 : found SA, holding at 10mg Paxil. 

April 2020 : Paxil 10mg to Prozac 7mg bridge. Details topic/21457

 

Current Supplements : magnesium citrate + fish oil

Current medication :

* 7pm Diazepam  : 0.85mg (15 Aug 2022) / 0.95 mg (24 April 2022) / 1mg Diazepam (since 29 Aug 2020)

* 8am Prozac : 6.16mg (25 oct 2022, feel awful, slight updose) / 6.08 mg (9 oct 2022) / 6.24mg (11 July 22) / 6.44mg (22 May 22) / 6.64mg (4 Nov 21) / 6.72mg (8 oct 21) / 6.8 mg (15 Sept 21)6.88mg (14 Aug 21)/ 6.92mg (23 Jun 21)

 

I am not a professional, I don't give medical advice. Discuss any decisions about your medical care with a knowledgeable medical practitioner.

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Hi @Ariel - your writing is so visceral and really beautiful. You explain so well through words how WD feels. I am comforted to know I am not alone in this, but sad someone else feels similar. You seem to have a very bright light and I think that will serve you incredibly well as you navigate through this. Thanks for all your writing. I need to work on my coping techniques as I have tendency to just sit and cry and say “why me” “I want to be normal” etc etc. 

Aug-Oct 2018 - 22 doses of Ativan (0.25 mg) stopped CT .Nov 2018 - Zoplicone 7.5 mg (stopped CT Dec 18) .Dec 2018 - 5mg Valium (tapered to 0.25 mg felt good so stayed on this dose for a long time) .Dec 2021 - Pregabalin one week CT .Jan 2022- Mirtazapine 3.75 mg, 2 weeks then 2 week taper. Updose Valium to 15 mg .June 2022 - 10mg Valium, currently tapering 

March 2022-Dec 2023 - Tapered 13mg over 19 months down to 1.5 mg. Nov 2023 made error with liquid and solid dose. Updosed by 60% by accident. 

Dec 2023 - 1.5 mg Valium 

Feb 2023- 4mg Valium, 400mg  Gabapentin. 1.5 mg Mirtazapine

(discontinued after short taper) 

 

 

 

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  • Moderator Emeritus

Hi Ariel, 

 

Thanks so much for your message on my thread, you really are a dear and kind soul. 
 

How are you doing?🧡

Been on APs, benzos, ADs and opiates, for chronic pain. Had Akathisia in the past that made me suicidal. Still on Seroquel. 2019:➡️ March10=7.25mg ✔️ April17=7.0✔️ June5=6.75✔️ July14=6.50✔️ Aug28=6.25✔️ Oct10=6.20  ✔️ Oct21=6.0✔️ Dec16=5.80 ✔️ 2020➡️ Jan 21=5.60 ✔️ April2=5.40 ✔️ May29=5.20 ✔️ Aug14= 5.0 ✔️Sep29=4.80✔️2021➡️ Jan31=4.60 mg✔️ April24=4.40mg✔️Jul17=4.30mg ✔️ Aug 28=4.20 ✔️ Oct 11=4.15✔️Nov1=4.10 ✔️ Nov21= 4.05✔️ Dec13= 4mg ✔️2022 ➡️ Jan8=3.95✔️ Jan31=3.90✔️ March2=3.85 ✔️ April4=3.80 ✔️ June16=3.75✔️ July26=3.70✔️ Sep2=3.65✔️ Oct21=3.60 ✔️ Dec8=3.55✔️2023➡️ Jan 26=3.50✔️ March 17=3.45✔️ June12=3.40✔️ July30=3.35✔️ Sep14=3.30✔️ Oct31=3.25✔️This is NOT medical advice.Consult your doctor.

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Hello friends.

I'm so grateful for the support and kindness you've been sharing with me here. It means the world. 

 

@Faure @savinggrace @Erell @Carmie @Believer @wantrelief@Comfyquilt @Mirtazapine20mg @Ninabird @Greatful @Onmyway @Oaktree1 @TentacleFinn @almuPA @FeralCatman @Greeneyedfelines 

 

Thank you all so much for visiting and posting. I cherish your messages. Your energy is so healing and profoundly appreciated. 

 

I've been wobbling about lately, feeling lost and out of sorts. It helps so much to think of you and feel your open, compassionate hearts, extending your words like so many outstretched arms. Thank you for the hugs, for the hands to hold. 

 

Your presence helps make the world feel a bit more real to me, or helps me feel a bit less unreal, I guess. Perhaps a bit odd considering our virtual format, but in my current confusion the only thing that cuts through the illusions is kindness. Everything else feels slippery; if I had a grip I'd lose it immediately. Your kindness is tangible and grounding. I can keep it in my pocket like a chestnut, to reach for and hold when I feel myself losing touch. I like to keep chestnuts in my jacket pockets year round. 

 

I want to write a proper update and fill you in, and at the same time I feel so tired. I've been in a wave for the past few weeks and it's snuck up on me like so many small cuts. I will not complain about the symptoms being milder now than they once were, for that is, of course, a Good Thing. It never ceases to amaze me how every wave has a life of its own (we never step into the same river twice, or receive/ride the same wave twice). This one has been relatively subtle in many ways, which has brought its own challenges to awareness and patience. I cannot claim to be writhing in abject misery as in days of yore (do I detect a hint of nostalgia from the monkey? wistfulness for the golden age, haha). Nevertheless I feel like I'm getting my a** kicked. 

 

I would like to tell you about some ongoing developments and improvements, and at the same time I'm encountering a lot of resistance laying out the more difficult aspects of my experience. At some point I will attempt to navigate the choppy waters and maybe chart a course between or through these currents. 

 

For now before I go I would like to share with you something that made me laugh today.

 

I had some rare and important errands to run; this got me out of the house, for which I'm grateful. It's a real sign of healing in process that even though I felt like cr@p I was able to go out and do what I had to do, and even walk around a bit and get some air and sun. Not too long ago that would only have been possible on a Good Day; now this is manageable on a Bad Day. That's a Big Deal. 

 

I felt pretty miserable the whole time, bothered by insistent DP/DR; vision issues returning; significant bodily discomfort (I don't know what to call it; it's this feeling I get of not being able to find peace in embodied-ness; there is no acceptable physical position; it's a combination of intense unease/ restlessness coupled with a very specific boredom, almost like the preemptive boredom of exhaustion and alienation and disconnect, the polar opposite of interest/curiosity/ engagement, like, We recognize nothing of this and it is all familiar; none of this makes sense and we know it and are completely bored with it. It's very difficult to describe, it's like a complete remove and disavowal of life/world/surroundings; a vehement NO to everything and anything; maybe a kind of pervasive, all-encompassing disgust? rejection of what is); sensory sensitivity (my appointments were downtown and the noise, light, pollution, people, everything was too much); and many other unpleasant emotional/mental symptoms, including but not limited to nausea, unrelenting fatigue, a feeling of moving strangely. My thoughts did their thing, the monkey mind and its three-ring circus put on a show, I wobbled along trying not to lose my balance on the unicycle (those are tricky to ride wearing gigantic clown shoes!). 

 

There was a moment, while the monkey was performing a funambulist SI act, when I remembered a popular family joke.

 

At a dinner party, as the meal is ending, one of the guests groans about how full he is. Oh, I've eaten too much!  he says, patting his distended belly. Oh no! says the host. You won't have room for dessert. Another guest helpfully mediates, Why don't you go to the bathroom, stick your finger down your throat, and throw up? Our hero replies, If I had room for a finger I'd eat another sausage! 

 

And as I recalled this joke, it made me reflect on the monkey and its high-wire antics, its loopy SI salto mortale. In my state of utter boredom and disenchantment I thought: Yeah sure, monkey; if I felt even the slightest impetus to pursue any of your suggestions there are a thousand things I'd rather do first. 

 

The juxtaposition between that thought and the joke made me laugh. Good ol' avolition to the rescue! (It's a cliché because it's true.) And it felt like a heathy line of reasoning: in the event of proper neuro-circumstances primed for action, the choice would clearly be life over death.

The monkey swung from the tightrope to the trapeze, and I went on with what I had been doing.  

 

1996-2018 - misc. polypharmacy, incl. SSRIs, SNRIs, neuroleptics, lithium, benzos, stimulants, antihistamines, etc. (approx. 30+ drugs)

2012-2018 - 10mg lexapro/escitalopram (20mg?)    Jan. 2018 - 10mg -> 5mg, then from 5mg -> 2.5mg, then 0mg  -->  July 2018 - 0mg

2017(?)-2020 - vyvanse/lisdexamfetamine 60-70mg    2020-2021 - 70mg down to 0mg  -->  July 2021 - 0mg

March-April 2021 - vortioxetine 5-10mg (approx. 7 weeks total; CT)  -->  April 28th, 2021 - 0mg

supplements: magnesium powder (dissolved in water) as needed throughout the day; 1 tsp fish oil w/ morning meal; 2mg melatonin 

August 1, 2022 - 1 mg melatonin

 

Courage is fear that has said its prayers.  - Karle Wilson Baker

love and justice are not two. without inner change, there can be no outer change; without collective change, no change matters.  - Rev. angel Kyodo williams

Holding multiple truths. Knowing that everyone has their own accurate view of the way things are.  - text on homemade banner at Afiya house

 

I am not a medical professional; this is not medical advice. 

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  • Moderator
1 hour ago, Ariel said:

Hello friends.

I'm so grateful for the support and kindness you've been sharing with me here. It means the world. 

 

@Faure @savinggrace @Erell @Carmie @Believer @wantrelief@Comfyquilt @Mirtazapine20mg @Ninabird @Greatful @Onmyway @Oaktree1 @TentacleFinn @almuPA @FeralCatman @Greeneyedfelines 

 

Thank you all so much for visiting and posting. I cherish your messages. Your energy is so healing and profoundly appreciated. 

 

I've been wobbling about lately, feeling lost and out of sorts. It helps so much to think of you and feel your open, compassionate hearts, extending your words like so many outstretched arms. Thank you for the hugs, for the hands to hold. 

 

Your presence helps make the world feel a bit more real to me, or helps me feel a bit less unreal, I guess. Perhaps a bit odd considering our virtual format, but in my current confusion the only thing that cuts through the illusions is kindness. Everything else feels slippery; if I had a grip I'd lose it immediately. Your kindness is tangible and grounding. I can keep it in my pocket like a chestnut, to reach for and hold when I feel myself losing touch. I like to keep chestnuts in my jacket pockets year round. 

 

I want to write a proper update and fill you in, and at the same time I feel so tired. I've been in a wave for the past few weeks and it's snuck up on me like so many small cuts. I will not complain about the symptoms being milder now than they once were, for that is, of course, a Good Thing. It never ceases to amaze me how every wave has a life of its own (we never step into the same river twice, or receive/ride the same wave twice). This one has been relatively subtle in many ways, which has brought its own challenges to awareness and patience. I cannot claim to be writhing in abject misery as in days of yore (do I detect a hint of nostalgia from the monkey? wistfulness for the golden age, haha). Nevertheless I feel like I'm getting my a** kicked. 

 

I would like to tell you about some ongoing developments and improvements, and at the same time I'm encountering a lot of resistance laying out the more difficult aspects of my experience. At some point I will attempt to navigate the choppy waters and maybe chart a course between or through these currents. 

 

For now before I go I would like to share with you something that made me laugh today.

 

I had some rare and important errands to run; this got me out of the house, for which I'm grateful. It's a real sign of healing in process that even though I felt like cr@p I was able to go out and do what I had to do, and even walk around a bit and get some air and sun. Not too long ago that would only have been possible on a Good Day; now this is manageable on a Bad Day. That's a Big Deal. 

 

I felt pretty miserable the whole time, bothered by insistent DP/DR; vision issues returning; significant bodily discomfort (I don't know what to call it; it's this feeling I get of not being able to find peace in embodied-ness; there is no acceptable physical position; it's a combination of intense unease/ restlessness coupled with a very specific boredom, almost like the preemptive boredom of exhaustion and alienation and disconnect, the polar opposite of interest/curiosity/ engagement, like, We recognize nothing of this and it is all familiar; none of this makes sense and we know it and are completely bored with it. It's very difficult to describe, it's like a complete remove and disavowal of life/world/surroundings; a vehement NO to everything and anything; maybe a kind of pervasive, all-encompassing disgust? rejection of what is); sensory sensitivity (my appointments were downtown and the noise, light, pollution, people, everything was too much); and many other unpleasant emotional/mental symptoms, including but not limited to nausea, unrelenting fatigue, a feeling of moving strangely. My thoughts did their thing, the monkey mind and its three-ring circus put on a show, I wobbled along trying not to lose my balance on the unicycle (those are tricky to ride wearing gigantic clown shoes!). 

 

There was a moment, while the monkey was performing a funambulist SI act, when I remembered a popular family joke.

 

At a dinner party, as the meal is ending, one of the guests groans about how full he is. Oh, I've eaten too much!  he says, patting his distended belly. Oh no! says the host. You won't have room for dessert. Another guest helpfully mediates, Why don't you go to the bathroom, stick your finger down your throat, and throw up? Our hero replies, If I had room for a finger I'd eat another sausage! 

 

And as I recalled this joke, it made me reflect on the monkey and its high-wire antics, its loopy SI salto mortale. In my state of utter boredom and disenchantment I thought: Yeah sure, monkey; if I felt even the slightest impetus to pursue any of your suggestions there are a thousand things I'd rather do first. 

 

The juxtaposition between that thought and the joke made me laugh. Good ol' avolition to the rescue! (It's a cliché because it's true.) And it felt like a heathy line of reasoning: in the event of proper neuro-circumstances primed for action, the choice would clearly be life over death.

The monkey swung from the tightrope to the trapeze, and I went on with what I had been doing.  

 

Oh how beautiful your words are @Ariel. Please take a hug and a pat on the shoulder from me for managing this in a wave! I'm familiar with that (or a similar) uncomfortable feeling of disconnect from body and self and disgust/"yuck" at the world.

 

Hope you get an evening window precipitated by the accomplishment of the day!

 

"Nothing so small as a moment is insurmountable, and moments are all that we have. You have survived every trial and tribulation that life has thrown at you up until this very instant. When future troubles come—and they will come—a version of you will be born into that moment that can conquer them, too." - Kevin Koenig 

 

I am not a doctor and this should not be considered medical advice. You can use the information and recommendations provided in whatever way you want and all decisions on your treatment are yours. 

 

In the next few weeks I do not have a lot of capacity to respond to questions. If you need a quick answer pls tag or ask other moderators who may want to be tagged. 

 

Aug  2000 - July 2003 (ct, 4-6 wk wd) , citalopram 20 mg,  xanax prn, wellbutrin for a few months, trazodone prn 

Dec 2004 - July 2018 citalopram 20 mg, xanax prn (rarely used)

Aug 2018 - citalopram 40 mg (self titrated up)

September 2018 - January 2019 tapered citalopram - 40/30/20/10/5 no issues until a week after reaching 0

Feb 2019 0.25 xanax - 0.5/day (3 weeks) over to klonopin 0.25 once a day to manage severe wd

March 6, reinstated citalopram 2.5 mg (liquid), klonopin 0.25 mg for sleep 2-3 times a week

Apr 1st citalopram 2.0 mg (liquid), klonopin 0.25 once a week (off by 4/14/19- no tapering)

citalopram (liquid) 4/14/19 -1.8 mg, 5/8/19 - 1.6 mg,  7/27/19 -1.5 mg,  8/15/19 - 1.35, 2/21/21 - 1.1 (smaller drops in between), 6/20/21 - 1.03 mg, 8/7/21- 1.025, 8/11/21 - 1.02, 8/15/21 - 1.015, 9/3/21 - 0.925 (fingers crossed!), 10/8/21 - 0.9, 10/18/21 - 0.875, 12/31/21 - 0.85, 1/7/22 - 0.825, 1/14/22 - 0.8, 1/22/22 - 0.785, 8/18/22 - 0.59, 12/15/2022 - 0.48, 2/15/22 - 0.43, 25/07/23 - 0.25 (mistake), 6/08/23 - 0.33mg

 

Supplements: magnesium citrate and bi-glycinate

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@Ariel, I will say this: I have never seen anything like it. I once had this idea that psychiatrist should use literature to make a proper connection to patients. They should give the patients good books, and when patient came back and said this author, this book, this character and this passage, this is me and this is how I feel, then there was a solid fundation for communication between patient and psychiatrist. 

 

The basic idea was that the best authors have access to a language that neither patient nor psychiatrist has. You are that idea Arial. 

2004: (apr): Citalopram 20 mg, June 60 mg., dec 20 mg

2004 (dec): Mirtazapine 15 mg.

2014 (Jun): Citalopram stop cold turkey. Began 10 mg Vortioxetine

2017: (dec): Mirtazapine 15 mg ->30 mg (after three day stint on psych ward)

2020: (aug): Vortioxetine 10 mg stopped cold turkey. 

2020 (dec): Mirtazapine 30 mg -> 15 mg (GPs instructions)

2021 (feb): Mirtazapine reinstatement 26,25 mg

2022 (Jan): Mirtazapine (5% taper): 14. Jan 24,9 mg, 6. feb 23,7 mg, 1. marts 22,5 mg, 15. marts 21,3 mg, 2. april 20 mg, 26. april 19. mg, 25. may 18.1 mg, 26 jun 17 mg.

 

Have always taken fish oil capsules. Do not drink alcohol when tapering. 1 multivitamin pill a day. Try to eat healthy, but impossible on mirtazapine.

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  • Mentor

@Ariel

How do you do it. Even in the through's of a wave you come out on top with humor and wit.:blink:  You are amazing..

 

 

 

https://www.survivingantidepressants.org/topic/24894-greatful-is-this-withdrawal-or-to-many-med-changes-at-once/

1995? Prozac,  tried several Paxil, Serzone, St John's Wart back to Prozac and Trazodone ct:d Traz

 Lexapro. Tried to stop Crash in 2015  Kindled   Hospitalized, Vybrid, Seroquel, Effexor, Abilify  Pristiq, Wellbutrin-- 2016  ended back on   Prozac and Lamictal 200mg

5/2020  thru 12/2020 taper from 20mg  Prozac  down to 3mg.  Crashed  12/13/2020 Zoloft 50mg 1/29ct  1/29/2021 Seroquel 50mg ct  2/12/2021 Wellbutrin 75mg.  Became hypo manic 2/1  6ct Trazodone 50mg 4/25  25mg 2/5/ 2021 Lamictal 150mg.  2/24  100mg   4/9  75mg   4/21 37.5 

2/16/2021 Seroquel 50xr  3/3 100mg  3/17  150mg  side effects ct   4/3 2021 Lexapro 5mg  4/14  7.5mg  4/30 10mg  5/10  7.5mg 

2021/ 5/16  5mg Lexapro   37.5 Lamictal   25mg trazadone,   xanax  .0625mg  3x a day   

Lexapro  Taper> Sept/01/2021  4.90mg>  Sept/25  4.75mg>   Oct/19 4.69mg > Nov/14 4.2mg    Jan/30/2022-- Split dosing 2x a day All liquid  4.2mg  (2.20mg at 8am & 2mg at 4pm) 2/17 4mg>  2/24  3.8mg  slow taper to  Aug/12/2022 2.04mg  2023> 2mg,  1.90mg, 1.80mg, 1.70mg, 1.5mg, 1.4mg, 1.3mg 1.2mg, 1.1mg, 1mg, 0.9mg, 0.8mg, 0.7mg 0.65mg, 0.6mg, 0.55mg, 0.5mg, 0.45mg, 0.4mg, 0.35mg, 0.3mg, 0.25,mg, back to once a day dosing 0 .1mg, 0.07mg

Lamictal  taper  4/17/ 2022 25mg, 9/9/ 22 -20mg, 9/25/22- 15mg , 10/20/22-   0

 Trazodone..2023.>down to 14mg, 7mg, 6mg  July 2023   0

Xanax  0.0625 3 x a day,  2023>  0.042 3x a day

Supplements  Magnesium glycinate, Omega 3, D3, vitamin c , zinc, NAC 

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@Ariel you are a true light! Your words are so lovely. Keeping on keepin’ on 

Aug-Oct 2018 - 22 doses of Ativan (0.25 mg) stopped CT .Nov 2018 - Zoplicone 7.5 mg (stopped CT Dec 18) .Dec 2018 - 5mg Valium (tapered to 0.25 mg felt good so stayed on this dose for a long time) .Dec 2021 - Pregabalin one week CT .Jan 2022- Mirtazapine 3.75 mg, 2 weeks then 2 week taper. Updose Valium to 15 mg .June 2022 - 10mg Valium, currently tapering 

March 2022-Dec 2023 - Tapered 13mg over 19 months down to 1.5 mg. Nov 2023 made error with liquid and solid dose. Updosed by 60% by accident. 

Dec 2023 - 1.5 mg Valium 

Feb 2023- 4mg Valium, 400mg  Gabapentin. 1.5 mg Mirtazapine

(discontinued after short taper) 

 

 

 

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4 hours ago, Greatful said:

@Ariel

How do you do it. Even in the through's of a wave you come out on top with humor and wit.:blink:  You are amazing..

 

 

 

I agree with @Greatful you always seem to be uplifting.

@Greatful I have read in your signature that you are decreasing your Lexapro by .02ml each day until you get to 2.70ml... once you get to that then what? Will you make the jump or continue to decrease? And what is the % rate you are tapering? I am currently at 3.25ml, does it seem to make a smoother taper by doing the .02ml per day? Just curious 🤔 My anxiety is through the roof.

Hugs ❤️ Chlo

Chlo❤

•Celexa 40mg 1999-2021•COVID August 2021•Celexa stopped working•Zoloft 100mg Sept21'-Oct21'•Zoloft did not work •Lexapro 10mg Oct21'-Nov21'

•Lexapro did not work

•Lexapro 5mg Nov21'-1/17/22 switched to Lexapro liquid form 5mg 1/18/22•4.75mg 1/19•4.5mg 1/25•4.25mg 2/1•4.0mg 2/8

•3.75mg 3/28•3.5mg 5/23

•3.25mg 5/30•3.0mg 6/19

•2.75mg 6/26•2.50mg 7/10•2.45mg 7/18•2.40mg 7/25•2.35mg 8/1•2.33mg 8/26•2.27mg 9/15•2.21mg 9/23•2.16mg 9/30•2.10mg 10/14•2.04mg 10/24•1.99mg 11/18•1.95mg 1/02/23•1.90mg 1/09•1.80mg 1/27•1.75mg 2/21•1.70mg 3/6•1.65mg3/14•1.60mg 4/07•1.52mg 4/30•1.48mg 5/07•1.40mg 6/08•1.36mg 6/17•1.32mg 6/27•1.28mg 7/17•1.20mg 8/18•1.15mg 9/13•1.12mg 10/15•1.06mg 1/20/24•1.02mg2/16•1mg 2/27•D3K2•MagnesiumGlycinate•C•zinc•Omega3•Probiotic

I don't know much, but 3 things I do. There is a God. His word is true. Stay close to Him and He will bring you through. Amen🙏

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@Ariel: I am really sorry you've been going through such a rough time the last few weeks.  I am hoping this wave passes soon and you get a much deserved break. 💖

 

-1/06 - 3/07 Cymbalta. Fast taper (essentially CT); withdrawal symptoms after 4 mos (didn't realize was WD)

-10/07: 100 mg Zoloft; 1 mg Klonopin - tapered off Klonopin after 4 mos. Several unsuccessful slow tapers of Zoloft; went up and down in dose a lot

-Spring 2013 back on 1 mg Klonopin to counter WD symptoms; switched over 5-6 mos from Zoloft to 35 mg citalopram
-Two attempts at slow tapering citalopram, always increased dose due to WD; also increased Klonopin to 1.25 mg in 2014, then to 1.5 mg in 2015

-8/17-9/17: After holding one year at 20 mg, feeling withdrawal symptoms due to stress - slowly increased to 25 mg. No change in symptoms after 6 months (? tolerance ?)  - decided to start citalopram taper February 2018 (still on Klonopin 1.5 mg).

Supplements: fish oil; magnesium; vitamin D3; curcumin

Citalopram taper:  2/2018 - 12/2019: 25 mg - 11.03 mg I 2020: 10.89 mg - 7.9 mg I 2021: 7.8 mg - 5.26 mg I 2022: 5.2 mg - 3.36 mg I 2023: 3.3 mg - 1.47 mg 2024: 1/5/24: 1.44 mg; 1/19/24: 1.40 mg; 1/26/24: 1.37 mg; 2/2/24: 1.34 mg; 2/9/24: 1.31 mg; 2/23/24: 1.28 mg; 3/1/24: 1.25 mg; 3/8/24: 1.22 mg; 3/15/24: 1.19 mg

 

 

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On 6/12/2022 at 10:31 AM, Erell said:

It's more about my activity on SA : when I say that I want to unlearn the impulse to look for reassurance here, it's because I never learned to have feelings of safety within myself, I never learned to find the resources within myself to live with my emotions and sensations, and I need to learn to do that.

When I was 14 and the doctors gave me benzo's and said "take them whenever you feel bad", I was told that what I was feeling was not normal and that the only way to deal with it was to suppress the feelings. I was also taught to always turn to a professional and ask for an immediate solution. 
I was never accompanied towards the notions of acceptance, towards the discovery of tools to understand my body, its reactions, my fears and to try to move forward with it. Nor was I ever taught that I could find resources within myself such as self-compassion, self-confidence and confidence in my values, or the right to feel and express feelings.

 

It's something I replicated when I came to SA: the need for constant reassurance, the need for someone to hold my hand. The beginning of my thread shows this blatantly.
And I still have those reflexes today when I come to my thread, the need for someone to constantly tell me that I'm going to get better, that I'm not doomed, that I'm going to be okay.
I'm not saying it's not important: support and mutual aid on SA is precious. ❤️ And, as you said, it does feel good to conenct and communicate with others, and it is very precious to be able to do this while living very isolated lives. 


It's just that, in my case, I have to be careful of how I'm doing it: it's like a form of OCD, this systematic need for someone to reassure you by telling you what you want to hear, except that the relief is short-lived and 5 minutes later you need someone else to say it again, etc etc.

 

I realise that part of my process is learning to find those 'safe spaces' within myself, learning that it's normal to have feelings and emotions (after all, it means I'm alive!), learning to find comfort within myself, learning to discover what tools help me. It's extremely difficult to do this work when you're in the middle of the whirlwind of the effects of these molecules, but I think it's important that I do it.
So I'm trying not to reply too soon on my thread, so I can learn not to give in to this "please tell me over and over and over again that I'm going to get better" urgencies.

 

Thank you so much for sharing this, @Erell

I feel very moved by what you express (and you've done an excellent job of articulating something not necessarily easy to convey, and in English to boot). Once again I am very impressed by your insight, awareness, intelligence, wisdom, and generosity of presence. 

 

From what I gather you have been been working on these things since you joined SA and teaching yourself along the way. I must say, your learning curve is astonishing! From my perspective you have come remarkably far in a relatively short period of time, especially given what you share here about where you started. Of course I only see what you post and base my assessment on your wonderful messages across the site -- I don't know what it's like to be you. I just hope that you can see even a (re)fraction of what I see when I behold your journey via (my lens on) the prism of your contributions.  

 

I feel inspired to read your beautiful words, I realise that part of my process is learning to find those 'safe spaces' within myself, learning that it's normal to have feelings and emotions (after all, it means I'm alive!), learning to find comfort within myself, learning to discover what tools help me.

I believe we all have to figure this out, not only those of us in WD or otherwise wounded by life, but every single one of us (though not everyone embraces or faces the challenge). Speaking for myself I'm not sure this work is ever done, as everything is in flux all the time, as are we, and what it means to us to be alive is ever changing along with that. You formulate it so well, though, it's a pleasure to read and be reminded, Oh yeah, that's what we're doing here. Right on, better get back to business. I often forget or lose sight of what the point of anything is (especially these days, when "meaning" seems as abstract and theoretical and implausible and untouchable as a postcard from someone's exotic vacation that arrives in your mailbox with a year's delay; a vague concept that resists transmutation into felt, embodied experience), and your sentences here are a helpful nudge to facilitate getting back on track. Thank you. 

 

On 6/12/2022 at 10:31 AM, Erell said:

The "How are you" question, I don't mind this question on SA. I don't like this question in "real" life, because I feel that it is asked by well-meaning people, but who want to hear something other than my reality. They want to hear "hey, yes, I was very bad, but it's all over and I'm back to my old self and ready to meet all the expectations of the outside world"... which is not the case, and I'm tired of seeing or hearing their disappointment, their weariness. 
And as savinggrace said very well on your thread : "but many friends have tired of me, still waiting for the "old me" to come back, when the reality is, this is the new me.  Love me as I am; not for who I used to be!"

I feel that this question is much more sincere on SA, that it comes from an honest and conscious interest in the many difficulties we face, and that it is a way of conveying support and a desire to offer a shoulder to talk on, because we know how difficult it is to tell the truth outside here.
But I wouldn't want to reproduce the vicious effects of that question here, of asking it because you want to hear that the person is better, that their symptoms have disappeared, and that this will feed your OCD-need for constant reassurance. You see, it's all connected

 

Yes, exactly. I feel that you and @savinggrace understand perfectly what I meant by my earlier comment. Thanks for getting it!

 

It's so silly, but one of my biggest practical social challenges, especially where I currently live, is that so many conversations and introductions to new acquaintances begin with: 

a) How are you?

b) Where are you from?

c) What do you do?

d) some combination of the above tantamount to Who are you?

 

I don't have a simple or straightforward answer for any of those questions, ever! Never have, never will. (which doesn't bother me as much as it seems to bother others; I often feel that any social anxiety I may have is not so much my own but a reaction to others' social anxiety; consciously or not they feel the need to stick to a script, and I'd rather go off-book, and then I experience their response to mine, and that's when I start to feel their discomfort which I then feel unsure what to do with... hahaha it's a whole thing! but when I meet people who don't mind veering away from the formulaic it's generally much easier) I have learned to deflect and dance around them to some extent, which works a lot of the time as most people ask them automatically without really thinking about it or being invested in the answers. Usually I can get away with turning the conversation around to express my sincere interest in them, or maybe distract and divert more thoroughly by recounting an anecdote or talking about the weather (where would we be without the weather! that blessed "get out of jail free" card one might always carry up one's sleeve). Sometimes people do notice and insist, and then I go into one or another version of meta-answer, which at the very least often bores them soon enough so they relinquish further pursuit. But it is a consistently strange and absurd thing, I find, that convention dictates we must start off this way, when such defining existential (self- and psychospiritual) inquiries may best be left to ponder between intimate equals or perhaps in silent contemplation, or maybe even on a good day, not at all.

 

We humans are such silly creatures. I can honestly say, 9 times out of 10, I would rather sniff someone's bum in greeting than be met with any of the above non-questions (for aren't they really, in most cases, mini-surveys of underlying social anxiety and prejudice, employed to rapidly determine, judge, and categorize one another's social status in relation to each other, thus reinforcing illusions and mutually oppressive falsehoods of ego and identity construction? blergh). 

 

I agree with you that it is largely different on SA (for a variety of reasons), which is so refreshing. 

 

On 6/12/2022 at 10:31 AM, Erell said:

Whether or not there is an answer to my question, and whatever it may be, I would like to send you a big hug, if you like them.

 

Thank you for the big hug, Erell! And thanks again for your enriching post. Big hug back atcha <3

 

(I will not apologize for rambling as this is my own thread and I'll do what I please, d*mmit! (I confess I've been making a bit of a mess of things elsewhere lately and am setting an intention to be mindful and contain mishaps and outbursts moving forward.))

 

1996-2018 - misc. polypharmacy, incl. SSRIs, SNRIs, neuroleptics, lithium, benzos, stimulants, antihistamines, etc. (approx. 30+ drugs)

2012-2018 - 10mg lexapro/escitalopram (20mg?)    Jan. 2018 - 10mg -> 5mg, then from 5mg -> 2.5mg, then 0mg  -->  July 2018 - 0mg

2017(?)-2020 - vyvanse/lisdexamfetamine 60-70mg    2020-2021 - 70mg down to 0mg  -->  July 2021 - 0mg

March-April 2021 - vortioxetine 5-10mg (approx. 7 weeks total; CT)  -->  April 28th, 2021 - 0mg

supplements: magnesium powder (dissolved in water) as needed throughout the day; 1 tsp fish oil w/ morning meal; 2mg melatonin 

August 1, 2022 - 1 mg melatonin

 

Courage is fear that has said its prayers.  - Karle Wilson Baker

love and justice are not two. without inner change, there can be no outer change; without collective change, no change matters.  - Rev. angel Kyodo williams

Holding multiple truths. Knowing that everyone has their own accurate view of the way things are.  - text on homemade banner at Afiya house

 

I am not a medical professional; this is not medical advice. 

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@Arielthank you for your comment on my post. Based on your recent posts, it looks like you completely understand the depths of the valleys after the peaks of goodness.  Your explanation of the feelings, as well as the inner knowledge of just letting it pass us by, is so intricate and exactly how I’ve felt this time. You get it. My hope is that your parallel worlds become one soon—inside your head becomes quiet and peaceful. That is what is to come for us eventually and that gives me such hope. You are a warrior—keep fighting. 
 

Sheera 

Started Lamictal and Brintellix in November 2015

May 2016 Discontinued Lamictal 100 to 50 and then stopped completely.

October 20, 2016 discontinued Brintellex 10 to 5 then went from 5 to 0 on November 10, 2016.

 

Currently off all antidepressants

 

Current Supplements:  L-Theanine, Natural Progesterone, L-Methylfolate, Vitamin D, Omega-3's, Probiotic

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@Sheera

Wow thank you so much!

 

14 minutes ago, Sheera said:

My hope is that your parallel worlds become one soon—inside your head becomes quiet and peaceful. That is what is to come for us eventually and that gives me such hope.

 

This is so beautiful, thank you for these powerful words. 

In healing we trust <3

A. 

1996-2018 - misc. polypharmacy, incl. SSRIs, SNRIs, neuroleptics, lithium, benzos, stimulants, antihistamines, etc. (approx. 30+ drugs)

2012-2018 - 10mg lexapro/escitalopram (20mg?)    Jan. 2018 - 10mg -> 5mg, then from 5mg -> 2.5mg, then 0mg  -->  July 2018 - 0mg

2017(?)-2020 - vyvanse/lisdexamfetamine 60-70mg    2020-2021 - 70mg down to 0mg  -->  July 2021 - 0mg

March-April 2021 - vortioxetine 5-10mg (approx. 7 weeks total; CT)  -->  April 28th, 2021 - 0mg

supplements: magnesium powder (dissolved in water) as needed throughout the day; 1 tsp fish oil w/ morning meal; 2mg melatonin 

August 1, 2022 - 1 mg melatonin

 

Courage is fear that has said its prayers.  - Karle Wilson Baker

love and justice are not two. without inner change, there can be no outer change; without collective change, no change matters.  - Rev. angel Kyodo williams

Holding multiple truths. Knowing that everyone has their own accurate view of the way things are.  - text on homemade banner at Afiya house

 

I am not a medical professional; this is not medical advice. 

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In this current wave I've been experiencing a strange new sensation. Don't know whether it's a withdrawal symptom or not (the go-to explanation for pretty much everything, eh? haha). Recording it here for posterity. I've been getting random surges of buzzing sensitivity in my teeth. Feels kind of like brain zaps through the teeth. Not painful, neither pleasant nor unpleasant, simply bizarre. A slight electric charge and only a couple of teeth at once. It's not the same teeth every time, it seems to move around in my mouth.

 

I can't tell whether there have been any objective changes to dental health that could be triggering this. Oral cavity, teeth, gums look normal to me. I've been brushing and flossing as usual, maybe even a little better to be on the safe side.

 

It's time for my annual dentist's appointment soon anyway, so I'll get things checked out when I go in about three weeks' time. I like my dental technician, she's very friendly and expressive. Maybe I'll tell her about the weird vibrations in my teeth out of pure curiosity about her reaction, just to see her face! Haha 

 

And what if she's totally cool with it, like, Oh yeah people get that all the time. Then I'd like to see my face! Hahaha

1996-2018 - misc. polypharmacy, incl. SSRIs, SNRIs, neuroleptics, lithium, benzos, stimulants, antihistamines, etc. (approx. 30+ drugs)

2012-2018 - 10mg lexapro/escitalopram (20mg?)    Jan. 2018 - 10mg -> 5mg, then from 5mg -> 2.5mg, then 0mg  -->  July 2018 - 0mg

2017(?)-2020 - vyvanse/lisdexamfetamine 60-70mg    2020-2021 - 70mg down to 0mg  -->  July 2021 - 0mg

March-April 2021 - vortioxetine 5-10mg (approx. 7 weeks total; CT)  -->  April 28th, 2021 - 0mg

supplements: magnesium powder (dissolved in water) as needed throughout the day; 1 tsp fish oil w/ morning meal; 2mg melatonin 

August 1, 2022 - 1 mg melatonin

 

Courage is fear that has said its prayers.  - Karle Wilson Baker

love and justice are not two. without inner change, there can be no outer change; without collective change, no change matters.  - Rev. angel Kyodo williams

Holding multiple truths. Knowing that everyone has their own accurate view of the way things are.  - text on homemade banner at Afiya house

 

I am not a medical professional; this is not medical advice. 

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1 hour ago, Ariel said:

I've been getting random surges of buzzing sensitivity in my teeth. Feels kind of like brain zaps through the teeth. Not painful, neither pleasant nor unpleasant, simply bizarre. A slight electric charge and only a couple of teeth at once. It's not the same teeth every time, it seems to move around in my mouth.

I get a similar, fleeting sensation on my lips and around around my mouth, mild lips and mouth zaps…

 

1 hour ago, Ariel said:

Maybe I'll tell her about the weird vibrations in my teeth out of pure curiosity about her reaction, just to see her face! Haha 

 

And what if she's totally cool with it, like, Oh yeah people get that all the time. Then I'd like to see my face! Hahaha

Hahaha, can’t wait to hear how that turns out. 😂

1998-2015 Zoloft. 100mg

2015 Straight switch to Wellbutrin by GP who claimed Zoloft stopped working; I was experiencing occasional brain zaps. 3 months later Wellbutrin  XR. Highly activating. Lost ability to sleep. Seroquel x3 nights. Horrible reaction. Straight switch back to Zoloft, began taper. Found SA  after tapering 25 mgs a week to 25mgs and began experiencing W/D.

6/21/19 5.05 mg; 9/6/19 4.8 mg; 4/24/20 4.57 mg; 8/27/21 4.43 mg

9/20-9/25/21 xover to new RX from expired meds

10/22/21 4.13 mg; 11/26/21 3.93 mg; 4/15/22 3.74 mg; 6/3/22 3.54 mg; 8/5/22 3.38; 9/30/22 3.19; 11/18/22 3.03; 12/30/22 2.88; 2/17/23 2.74; 3/24/23 2.60; 5/12/23 2.47;  6/23/23 2.35; 8/11/23 2.24; 9/15/23 2.13; 10/20/23 2.02; 11/24/23 1.92; 1/12/24 1.83; 2/17/24 1.72; 3/23/24 1.64

Supplements: Natural Calm magnesium, Vitamin C Vitamin D during winter.

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On 6/11/2022 at 4:59 AM, Ariel said:

 

Ever since a specific formative disconnect in early adolescence (a "straw that broke the camel's back" incident), the good periods have been defined by a sense of relief over not feeling awful. The two modes have been survival and existing. I am curious about living and thriving, but am not personally familiar with these modes. I hear good things. 

I am not personally familiar with these either. I also hear good things… I observe people for example, all together, smiling at an outdoor restaurant… and I try to imagine what their lives are like lol

2007-Prozac then off replaced with Zoloft 

2008- Off Zoloft replaced with Fluvoxamine 

2008-2009 50mg Fluvoxamine 

2009-2020 150mg Fluvoxamine 

2013-14 addition of Lexapro and Zyprexa

2015 back to only Fluvoxamine 

2019-2021 additional 150mg Wellbutrin 

2020-present taper off Fluvoxamine and Wellbutrin 

2022 - mid-February - last dose 25 mg Wellbutrin

July 2021 25 (12.5 twice a day) mg Fluvoxamine hold

switch to compounded XR 12.5 mg Fluvoxamine capsules twice a day mid July 2022

Magnesium, Fish Oil, microdose CBD 

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On 6/11/2022 at 4:59 AM, Ariel said:

be difficult these days to connect with people I once knew who have no personal experience of these gears of operation. At best such exchanges can be friendly in a perfunctory sort of way, like neighbors waving hello across the fence. But the fence is insurmountable. I live among these people but we do not visit each other. 

 

Often, participating in the SA community is the most normal I've felt in a long time. Here I don't think about being broken or my life being an irredeemable failure (or any of the countless other negative thoughts that run through my mind these days; I'm not saying I believe them, just that they take up a lot of space on a daily basis). It's such a welcome rest from being alone with the relentless existential pain, self-loathing, disorientation, absurdity, etc. 

I feel like I understand this. I feel this as well.  You have company in these feelings 🌿❤️

2007-Prozac then off replaced with Zoloft 

2008- Off Zoloft replaced with Fluvoxamine 

2008-2009 50mg Fluvoxamine 

2009-2020 150mg Fluvoxamine 

2013-14 addition of Lexapro and Zyprexa

2015 back to only Fluvoxamine 

2019-2021 additional 150mg Wellbutrin 

2020-present taper off Fluvoxamine and Wellbutrin 

2022 - mid-February - last dose 25 mg Wellbutrin

July 2021 25 (12.5 twice a day) mg Fluvoxamine hold

switch to compounded XR 12.5 mg Fluvoxamine capsules twice a day mid July 2022

Magnesium, Fish Oil, microdose CBD 

Link to comment
21 hours ago, Ariel said:

We humans are such silly creatures. I can honestly say, 9 times out of 10, I would rather sniff someone's bum in greeting than be met with any of the above non-questions (for aren't they really, in most cases, mini-surveys of underlying social anxiety and prejudice, employed to rapidly determine, judge, and categorize one another's social status in relation to each other, thus reinforcing illusions and mutually oppressive falsehoods of ego and identity construction? blergh). 

!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!yes

2007-Prozac then off replaced with Zoloft 

2008- Off Zoloft replaced with Fluvoxamine 

2008-2009 50mg Fluvoxamine 

2009-2020 150mg Fluvoxamine 

2013-14 addition of Lexapro and Zyprexa

2015 back to only Fluvoxamine 

2019-2021 additional 150mg Wellbutrin 

2020-present taper off Fluvoxamine and Wellbutrin 

2022 - mid-February - last dose 25 mg Wellbutrin

July 2021 25 (12.5 twice a day) mg Fluvoxamine hold

switch to compounded XR 12.5 mg Fluvoxamine capsules twice a day mid July 2022

Magnesium, Fish Oil, microdose CBD 

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7 hours ago, Ariel said:

In this current wave I've been experiencing a strange new sensation. Don't know whether it's a withdrawal symptom or not (the go-to explanation for pretty much everything, eh? haha). Recording it here for posterity. I've been getting random surges of buzzing sensitivity in my teeth. Feels kind of like brain zaps through the teeth. Not painful, neither pleasant nor unpleasant, simply bizarre. A slight electric charge and only a couple of teeth at once. It's not the same teeth every time, it seems to move around in my mouth.

 

I can't tell whether there have been any objective changes to dental health that could be triggering this. Oral cavity, teeth, gums look normal to me. I've been brushing and flossing as usual, maybe even a little better to be on the safe side.

 

It's time for my annual dentist's appointment soon anyway, so I'll get things checked out when I go in about three weeks' time. I like my dental technician, she's very friendly and expressive. Maybe I'll tell her about the weird vibrations in my teeth out of pure curiosity about her reaction, just to see her face! Haha 

 

And what if she's totally cool with it, like, Oh yeah people get that all the time. Then I'd like to see my face! Hahaha

I get this too… sometimes one tooth at a time, making itself known 

2007-Prozac then off replaced with Zoloft 

2008- Off Zoloft replaced with Fluvoxamine 

2008-2009 50mg Fluvoxamine 

2009-2020 150mg Fluvoxamine 

2013-14 addition of Lexapro and Zyprexa

2015 back to only Fluvoxamine 

2019-2021 additional 150mg Wellbutrin 

2020-present taper off Fluvoxamine and Wellbutrin 

2022 - mid-February - last dose 25 mg Wellbutrin

July 2021 25 (12.5 twice a day) mg Fluvoxamine hold

switch to compounded XR 12.5 mg Fluvoxamine capsules twice a day mid July 2022

Magnesium, Fish Oil, microdose CBD 

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Another rough night of few hours' sleep and vivid nightmares about past failed relationships (intimate partner violence, abusive exes are a favorite motif, as are: my inescapable fallibility and fundamental universal wrongness; a life’s curated rolodex of rejections, shuffled and replayed ad nauseam in cruelest minute detail; conveyor belt, revolving door, factory fresh utterly unoriginal scenarios of being pursued/trapped and subjected to inevitable pain and suffering). 

 

Impressive value how the nightmares manage to cram themselves in with such density and verisimilitude in such a limited amount of time, real bang for your buck. Like building a skyscraper on a tiny lot (though I should be careful with such metaphors pertaining to my dreamscape, no reason to (a)rouse Freud). Like maximum receptor occupancy at minimum effective dosage (how's that, any better?). If only my waking hours demonstrated such ruthless efficiency (quantum withdrawal logic dictates, a) I do not know that that is not already happening beyond conscious awareness (could explain a few things); b) careful what you wish for (I shudder to think)). 

 

I woke up with a start, wanting it to stop. When will this end? bewails a voice, and i don't know anymore whose it is, mine or the monkey's. Perhaps we cry out in unison. We are a Greek chorus struggling with word retrieval, losing the plot; depersonalized, derealized, merged beyond recognition, our collective thought garbage littering amphitheater to landfill. Trying to keep it together on stage, patch through some semblance of a performance. For whom? And what for? My inner theater troupe have succumbed to What’s-The-Point-ill-ism and migrated to a platform of pixels and broadband. I cannot blame them. This drama falls flat, every scene unduly forced and drawn out, a drain on everyone involved (and not in a cathartic way). I dangle suspended by the noose of my disbelief. 

 

Hahaha how's that for melodrama?! If only I could overwrite not just this post but my whole life. The word salad is tossing me. My mind is cluttered with neurological junkyard hodge podge rubbish heap potpourri, and it offends my delicate olfactory sensibilities! 

 

(Dear future self: this is our brain on a horrifically difficult day. What does this sound like to you? I feel ashamed sharing this with you. What do you feel looking back? Do you have feelings, real ones, the full spectrum? I really hope you're feeling better! Please tell me it's worth it to keep going, please tell me it's good where you are.)

1996-2018 - misc. polypharmacy, incl. SSRIs, SNRIs, neuroleptics, lithium, benzos, stimulants, antihistamines, etc. (approx. 30+ drugs)

2012-2018 - 10mg lexapro/escitalopram (20mg?)    Jan. 2018 - 10mg -> 5mg, then from 5mg -> 2.5mg, then 0mg  -->  July 2018 - 0mg

2017(?)-2020 - vyvanse/lisdexamfetamine 60-70mg    2020-2021 - 70mg down to 0mg  -->  July 2021 - 0mg

March-April 2021 - vortioxetine 5-10mg (approx. 7 weeks total; CT)  -->  April 28th, 2021 - 0mg

supplements: magnesium powder (dissolved in water) as needed throughout the day; 1 tsp fish oil w/ morning meal; 2mg melatonin 

August 1, 2022 - 1 mg melatonin

 

Courage is fear that has said its prayers.  - Karle Wilson Baker

love and justice are not two. without inner change, there can be no outer change; without collective change, no change matters.  - Rev. angel Kyodo williams

Holding multiple truths. Knowing that everyone has their own accurate view of the way things are.  - text on homemade banner at Afiya house

 

I am not a medical professional; this is not medical advice. 

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I have tried writing a number of posts, got quite far and lost them. The first lost to some unidentified technical glitch (text did not reappear in editor); the second because my computer suddenly shut down, most likely due to difficulties with the charger, but it could be anything (my laptop is 12+ years old and I've been holding my breath for a while, praying we've got more time together). 

 

Just want to make sure I record that today has been really hard, sometimes unbearable-feeling. Yesterday was pretty miserable, too.

The past few weeks I've been struggling and trying to power through, feeling like I'm failing at most everything I attempt to do. 

 

The monkey's being so very mean, its vitriol and vicious attacks are shocking. I feel like I'm being bullied by my own mind. I'm trying to AAF and breathe and distract, etc. Doesn't feel like it's helping. The neuro-emotions are in full force, especially in collusion with anything negative turned inwards against me. The monkey's violence makes me feel very sad. It's exhausting trying to live through this. 

 

Today I felt so profoundly uncomfortable and unsafe I started fantasizing about the possibilities of chemical assistance to help get through this. I'm not aware of anything that could actually be done but my mind began to daydream, thoughts born of pain and suffering, imagining rescue and relief. Anything to make this torture stop. 

 

I feel like my brain is not working properly. I've been making so many basic mistakes of attention, not being mindful, demonstrating poor judgment, high emotional reactivity, lack of impulse control. My mind is all over the place. The worst part is I've actually been trying to make an effort and found myself acting inappropriately anyway. It feels like whatever part of my brain is responsible for social interaction, good behavior, discernment, constructive inhibition, executive functioning, etc., this part of my brain must be otherwise occupied at the moment. I am still fully accountable for my actions and I'm sorry for being so messy. I wish I could fix it, I wish I could feel confident that I can do better; right now I'm mostly confused and frustrated and disoriented and disconnected and feeling like something isn't working right. Overwhelmed with shame, guilt, regret, self-blame, self-criticism, self-loathing etc. the neuro-emotion jackpot. (So many self- emotions for this DP/DR non-self!)

 

Looping thoughts lately of: why did I even go off the drugs? They weren't actively causing me problems, no unmanageable side effects, no poop-out. I was stable on them and in a good place emotionally, psychospiritually. Years and years of hard work in therapy and dedication to self-inquiry were paying off and I had had some real breakthrough years of healing, loving, and accepting myself. The last of the living perpetrators of my complex childhood abuse had died a few years before, bringing about profound relief within me. A certain part of me felt like I could exhale after 30+ years of having held my breath. In the years after their death I experienced so much healing and post-traumatic growth. I was able to finally, finally, after numerous failed attempts leave an abusive 10-year relationship. The irony is that I decided to finally stop medication because I was feeling so well, so healed, so whole, more like myself and closer to myself in self-relationship than ever before. I had successfully arrived at the destination of all that intensive therapy: I had befriended myself and completed a comprehensive education in how to care for myself. I was so healthy, with wholesome habits: a robust mindfulness/meditation practice, regular exercise, good shape/fitness, functional reliable digestion, etc. I had begun to dare to dream of meeting a good partner and maybe even starting a family (time was already of the essence; the latter is too late now). 

 

It seems laughable now. Almost hard to believe, like I'm imagining it. I feel like I've regressed/decompensated beyond recognition. I feel like I spent my life learning tools and recovering from childhood, and I succeeded; and then as a result of that success I felt sufficiently confident and stable to undertake the task of getting off of drugs (which I'd mainly been staying on to postpone the quitting process; I was waiting for the right time); and then I stopped the medication (wrongly, as we all know) and lost it all. Is it lost? Are those decades of healing and hard work gone or are they in there somewhere? Because I sure as sh*t don't feel like I have access to those resources right now. I feel like I'm starting from scratch over and over and over, like my so-called skills are bogus, like I'm full of it when I claim to the monkey or myself that given our life's work we should be more than adequately equipped for this challenge. My adulthood to date has really only revolved around surviving my childhood. Now I feel like I'm trying to survive my adulthood. Will I ever break even, let alone come out sufficiently ahead to be able to live a little?

 

Some people come here because they're having problems with the drugs. Some people come here and have not been in therapy, have not learned sustainable non-drug coping techniques. Some people start tapering/recovering and feel better and learn more. I feel like I'm experiencing some sort of opposite, reverse trajectory to that. I feel less capable than when I began, in an all-around worse place emotionally, mentally, physically, psychospiritually, health-wise, life-wise. Everything I spent my life learning and healing, I don't know where that's gone. I cannot access it. I do not feel anything like myself, that profound connection I had with myself, being my own best friend, as it was when I made the decision that I was ready to stop the drugs. I don't recognize my body, which has changed so much (and not advantageously (in a weird way I find it reassuring that there is some vanity left; even though it is in an arguably rather destructive context of criticism and judgment, I welcome it as a sign that I haven't completely renounced my ties to material being)); I don't recognize my face, my mind, my insides, my life. I don't feel like I have the energy or resources or imagination to even think about fixing or remedying this. Every day I think about learned helplessness and try to consciously make choices throughout the day to practice acceptance and explore agency and not fall into learned helplessness or other problematic patterns. More often than not it feels like some masochistic mindf*ck game, like I'm toying with myself playing fake it till you make it all the while feeling completely out of control, stumbling and tripping over the debris of my exploded life. There's a fine line sometimes between patience and waiting and trauma-freeze mode. I keep checking to see whether I'm frozen or thawing (I don't know but either way I feel numb). I wish I could hibernate my way through.

 

I'm doing my best to hang on but I don't feel like I have much fight left in me, if any. I'm not sure I even understand what that means anymore. Fight? Whom? What? I'm too tired. I just try to surrender and soften into things as best I can, I don't really struggle or rage against things anymore. For better and for worse, I rarely feel anger or its energy-guzzling force, that ego drive (I'm not sure I ever had much of this but now it's even less) (barring the odd neuro-rage episode, which I actually rarely experience as true rage, but rather frustration, desperation, anguish, loneliness, pain, sorrow, etc.). Will I ever feel alive again? Juicy, open to myself and to the world? Will I feel peace and joy and pleasure? Will I feel capable and strong and confident, will I feel safe and secure? Will I feel whole? And I don't mean spiritually -- that's the one are where everything's fine, it's untouchable. I mean in an earthly, embodied, grounded sense, as a human animal -- will I ever feel okay, and more than okay? It's hard to imagine, literally. (My brain in its current state has lost significant capacity of imagination, creativity, intellectual prowess, ideas, abstract/ions, logical and spatial reasoning, planning, coordination, mathematics, emotional nuance, interpersonal social subtleties, so much cognitive functioning and ability and flexibility and suppleness, etc. Once upon a time I had a good working mind, I befriended it and enjoyed its company, we used to play together!) 

 

I realize this may be the wave talking, this may be monkey voice; honestly I have felt this way on better days, too. This protracted withdrawal experience is devastating. I am trying to be really honest here (the monkey is judging me and screaming that I'm wallowing in self-pity, and I'm very tired of monkey's verbal abuse) (trying to not make jokes and temporarily pause/ignore my sense of humor, which is always grinding in the background anyway, snapping its gum), trying to allow myself to be vulnerable, which doesn't come easy. I feel like a shell of myself, barely existing, moving through this pseudo-life smashed to smithereens. I feel bereft.

 

And as far as I can tell there's nothing to be done about it. No certainties, no guarantees, no answers. Very few questions left (the true kind, not the artificial anxious amped-up monkey kind). Even if there were someone to ask for help, what do you ask for, how do you ask when something can't be helped? What kind of help is available, if any? I cannot imagine it. (I would pay someone to come hold my hand, go for walks with me, hold me. I actually looked into this a few years back, it didn't pan out.) What is there to do but wait and see?

1996-2018 - misc. polypharmacy, incl. SSRIs, SNRIs, neuroleptics, lithium, benzos, stimulants, antihistamines, etc. (approx. 30+ drugs)

2012-2018 - 10mg lexapro/escitalopram (20mg?)    Jan. 2018 - 10mg -> 5mg, then from 5mg -> 2.5mg, then 0mg  -->  July 2018 - 0mg

2017(?)-2020 - vyvanse/lisdexamfetamine 60-70mg    2020-2021 - 70mg down to 0mg  -->  July 2021 - 0mg

March-April 2021 - vortioxetine 5-10mg (approx. 7 weeks total; CT)  -->  April 28th, 2021 - 0mg

supplements: magnesium powder (dissolved in water) as needed throughout the day; 1 tsp fish oil w/ morning meal; 2mg melatonin 

August 1, 2022 - 1 mg melatonin

 

Courage is fear that has said its prayers.  - Karle Wilson Baker

love and justice are not two. without inner change, there can be no outer change; without collective change, no change matters.  - Rev. angel Kyodo williams

Holding multiple truths. Knowing that everyone has their own accurate view of the way things are.  - text on homemade banner at Afiya house

 

I am not a medical professional; this is not medical advice. 

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On a practical note, some specifics about symptoms in this current wave (what i can remember):

- neuro-emotions (IBNLT anxiety, fear, panic, shame, self-loathing, self-criticism/second guessing, self-doubt, self-blame, etc.)

- poor sleep (low quantity and quality)

- vivid nightmares 

- digestion issues

- appetite regulation issues

- nausea

- extreme fatigue/exhaustion 

- cognitive/behavioral dysfunction (IBNLT poor judgment, lack of impulse control, social impropriety/misbehavior, emotional contagion, diminished empathy, emotional dysregulation, inability to think properly -- cannot think something through, impatience, high reactivity/sensitivity/volatility, inattention/difficulty concentrating, difficulty following storylines in narrative and non-fiction media, disinterest in watching movies/tv, cognitive distortions, etc.) 

- affective (IBNLT emotional anesthesia, inability to cry or connect with feelings, irritability, avolition, anhedonia, apathy, disengagement, disgust, demotivation, envy, lack of positive emotions, no feeling of reward or satisfaction, low mood, boredom/disinterest, restlessness, etc.)

- mental (very unpleasant thoughts, overwhelming quantity and negativity and noise of thoughts, intrusive/repetitive thoughts)

- headache, head pressure, jaw tension

- muscle aches and pains, particularly neck, nape, shoulders, lower back 

- brain zaps in teeth

- depersonalization and derealization (DP/DR)

- eye strain, vision issues (blurry vision, double vision) 

- extreme bodily discomfort, crawling-out-of-my-skin feeling, simultaneous restlessness and boredom/no drive, cannot find a comfortable/safe position, jumpy and exhausted at once, overwhelming nebulous pervasive upsetness, inability to relax or rest (is this a kind of akathisia?)

- weird feeling when moving and walking, discoordination and like this is not my body, like something else is moving this body remotely and something is off (DP/DR related probably)

- suicidal ideation (SI)

- dissociation (inability to be present), cannot get in my body, cannot find connection 

- resistance 

- incongruous sweating, chills

- heat intolerance, difficulties with temperature regulation

 

contributing factors:

- grass pollen allergy

- menstruation

- external life stressors

1996-2018 - misc. polypharmacy, incl. SSRIs, SNRIs, neuroleptics, lithium, benzos, stimulants, antihistamines, etc. (approx. 30+ drugs)

2012-2018 - 10mg lexapro/escitalopram (20mg?)    Jan. 2018 - 10mg -> 5mg, then from 5mg -> 2.5mg, then 0mg  -->  July 2018 - 0mg

2017(?)-2020 - vyvanse/lisdexamfetamine 60-70mg    2020-2021 - 70mg down to 0mg  -->  July 2021 - 0mg

March-April 2021 - vortioxetine 5-10mg (approx. 7 weeks total; CT)  -->  April 28th, 2021 - 0mg

supplements: magnesium powder (dissolved in water) as needed throughout the day; 1 tsp fish oil w/ morning meal; 2mg melatonin 

August 1, 2022 - 1 mg melatonin

 

Courage is fear that has said its prayers.  - Karle Wilson Baker

love and justice are not two. without inner change, there can be no outer change; without collective change, no change matters.  - Rev. angel Kyodo williams

Holding multiple truths. Knowing that everyone has their own accurate view of the way things are.  - text on homemade banner at Afiya house

 

I am not a medical professional; this is not medical advice. 

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@Ariel this sounds a lot like my current wave and its horrendous. You are not alone. I hope you start to feel better soon.  I would love to have some profound words of encouragement but all I can think to tell myself when I’m not ruminating is to take it one step at a time. It always passes and it will for you this time as well. I’m sending you a giant hug. 
 

Sheera 

Started Lamictal and Brintellix in November 2015

May 2016 Discontinued Lamictal 100 to 50 and then stopped completely.

October 20, 2016 discontinued Brintellex 10 to 5 then went from 5 to 0 on November 10, 2016.

 

Currently off all antidepressants

 

Current Supplements:  L-Theanine, Natural Progesterone, L-Methylfolate, Vitamin D, Omega-3's, Probiotic

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Oh @Ariel I am so sorry you are going through all of this. I know I am not there in person to hold your hand but I am in spirit.

 

2 hours ago, Ariel said:

Will I ever feel alive again? Juicy, open to myself and to the world? Will I feel peace and joy and pleasure? Will I feel capable and strong and confident, will I feel safe and secure? Will I feel whole?

You will experience these things again, you will get there.  However I know how devastating it is to feel so far away from feeling any of that.  

 

Thank you for your vulnerability and for somehow expressing so well the inexpressible.  

-1/06 - 3/07 Cymbalta. Fast taper (essentially CT); withdrawal symptoms after 4 mos (didn't realize was WD)

-10/07: 100 mg Zoloft; 1 mg Klonopin - tapered off Klonopin after 4 mos. Several unsuccessful slow tapers of Zoloft; went up and down in dose a lot

-Spring 2013 back on 1 mg Klonopin to counter WD symptoms; switched over 5-6 mos from Zoloft to 35 mg citalopram
-Two attempts at slow tapering citalopram, always increased dose due to WD; also increased Klonopin to 1.25 mg in 2014, then to 1.5 mg in 2015

-8/17-9/17: After holding one year at 20 mg, feeling withdrawal symptoms due to stress - slowly increased to 25 mg. No change in symptoms after 6 months (? tolerance ?)  - decided to start citalopram taper February 2018 (still on Klonopin 1.5 mg).

Supplements: fish oil; magnesium; vitamin D3; curcumin

Citalopram taper:  2/2018 - 12/2019: 25 mg - 11.03 mg I 2020: 10.89 mg - 7.9 mg I 2021: 7.8 mg - 5.26 mg I 2022: 5.2 mg - 3.36 mg I 2023: 3.3 mg - 1.47 mg 2024: 1/5/24: 1.44 mg; 1/19/24: 1.40 mg; 1/26/24: 1.37 mg; 2/2/24: 1.34 mg; 2/9/24: 1.31 mg; 2/23/24: 1.28 mg; 3/1/24: 1.25 mg; 3/8/24: 1.22 mg; 3/15/24: 1.19 mg

 

 

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@Ariel

I am so sorry that you're suffering so badly right now. Please remember this is temporary and all this emotional cacophony is going to disappear and give place to peace. Way before you fully recover you will know peace. In pieces. And soon.

 

I want to reassure you that all the progress you made is not lost. It's just that your brain is under construction right now doing some rearranging and these skills are temporarily inaccessible. Hidden behind other boxes of things, I can see grandma's lamp blocking the self soothing techniques and a box with some uni lecture notes on top of the irritation management tools. Your beautiful brain is trying to do all that in your sleep (hence some of the nightmares) but even that is scarce so  you end up seeing the ugly construction site. But behind all of the debris and work all of you is there and growing even better and more beautiful.

 

When difficult emotions come I am sometimes able to use some IFS techniques. I acknowledge the shame/sadness, find it in my body and welcome it. I assume that it has good intentions for me and is trying to help in its own clumsy way. What does it want me to know? Why is it doing this job? If it wasn't doing this job, what does it fear would happen? And I listen. Usually these emotions are protecting tender parts of me that had difficult experiences. I then offer my own compassion to those tender parts and gratitude the parts that are protecting them.

 

This doesn't always work but sometimes it works so well I can get relief from it at least for a while. And answers. And that little bit of compassion that I can show can shift things inside. It's similar to AAF but with compassion and curiosity added. Sorry, I went into advice mode - my mind is always a problem solving machine, it wants to fix suffering rather than sit with it and offer compassion only. Pls ignore if it feels like I'm trying to make you do things in a certain way.

 

It is not unusual that you feel that you can't manage/stop these emotions. Do you remember that post 'What's happening in your brain?' In it the OP talks about how GABA is like a brake for things in the brain and serotonin is similar. So when you suddenly take off the brakes of the system all kinds of debris in the form of thoughts and emotions and stray nerve signals start flying around, put of balance, without the gravity of your center to bring them into order. But you are 'growing' that gravity with all the new receptors and every day, every hour, every minute changes are happening. 

 

I wish I could give you an in person hug and give you some of my gravity for a while, some of my brakes. Instead I will send you warm thoughts and know that when you feel so disconnected, that feeling does not reflect the truth. You are connected to me. Yes only through words but those will do for now. You are connected to a whole community of people who you've caused to care about you because of the beautiful person that you are. We will be your net and brakes until your own get repaired. We got you @Ariel!

 

Edited by Onmyway

"Nothing so small as a moment is insurmountable, and moments are all that we have. You have survived every trial and tribulation that life has thrown at you up until this very instant. When future troubles come—and they will come—a version of you will be born into that moment that can conquer them, too." - Kevin Koenig 

 

I am not a doctor and this should not be considered medical advice. You can use the information and recommendations provided in whatever way you want and all decisions on your treatment are yours. 

 

In the next few weeks I do not have a lot of capacity to respond to questions. If you need a quick answer pls tag or ask other moderators who may want to be tagged. 

 

Aug  2000 - July 2003 (ct, 4-6 wk wd) , citalopram 20 mg,  xanax prn, wellbutrin for a few months, trazodone prn 

Dec 2004 - July 2018 citalopram 20 mg, xanax prn (rarely used)

Aug 2018 - citalopram 40 mg (self titrated up)

September 2018 - January 2019 tapered citalopram - 40/30/20/10/5 no issues until a week after reaching 0

Feb 2019 0.25 xanax - 0.5/day (3 weeks) over to klonopin 0.25 once a day to manage severe wd

March 6, reinstated citalopram 2.5 mg (liquid), klonopin 0.25 mg for sleep 2-3 times a week

Apr 1st citalopram 2.0 mg (liquid), klonopin 0.25 once a week (off by 4/14/19- no tapering)

citalopram (liquid) 4/14/19 -1.8 mg, 5/8/19 - 1.6 mg,  7/27/19 -1.5 mg,  8/15/19 - 1.35, 2/21/21 - 1.1 (smaller drops in between), 6/20/21 - 1.03 mg, 8/7/21- 1.025, 8/11/21 - 1.02, 8/15/21 - 1.015, 9/3/21 - 0.925 (fingers crossed!), 10/8/21 - 0.9, 10/18/21 - 0.875, 12/31/21 - 0.85, 1/7/22 - 0.825, 1/14/22 - 0.8, 1/22/22 - 0.785, 8/18/22 - 0.59, 12/15/2022 - 0.48, 2/15/22 - 0.43, 25/07/23 - 0.25 (mistake), 6/08/23 - 0.33mg

 

Supplements: magnesium citrate and bi-glycinate

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5 hours ago, Ariel said:

And as far as I can tell there's nothing to be done about it. No certainties, no guarantees, no answers. Very few questions left (the true kind, not the artificial anxious amped-up monkey kind). Even if there were someone to ask for help, what do you ask for, how do you ask when something can't be helped? What kind of help is available, if any? I cannot imagine it. (I would pay someone to come hold my hand, go for walks with me, hold me. I actually looked into this a few years back, it didn't pan out.) What is there to do but wait and see?

I can't speak for everyone but I am pretty sure most of us feel the same way! You are not alone. You are wonderful to so many. You can message me anytime. I am here for you.....always.

PREVIOUS

2018 Ativan 1mg Oct-Jan (CT), 2019 Effexor 75mg, Klonopin .25mg, Trazadone 75mg, Bridge to Prozac (?dose), 2020 Taper off all, 2021 Zoloft (?dose), Jan-May (CT @ Hospital), Remeron (?dose) Trazadone 75mg, Propanolol (?dose), Klonopin .50mg, Buspar (?dose),

2021 Prozac (?dose), Trazadone 75mg, Klonopin 2 times a day, 2021 August fast taper Trazadone  Prozac fast taper in August. August Lexapro 10mg

2022 January  Lexapro to 25mg, February FT to 10mg Lexapro over 6 weeks, Klonopin .25mg 2 times a day, May Effexor 35mg, June bridge from Effexor to 30mg Cymbalta. Held on Lexapro until November.

supplements  2023  Jan Probiotics stopped taking after two weeks ADR April 1k Iu Vitamin D W/ K stopped after a few days ADR. March 50mg Mag glycinate stopped after a week ADR

January 2023added an additional .25 mg Klonopin (.25 mg three times a day)

CURRENT

1/23-Present Klonopin .75mg divided into .25mg 3 times a day. 6:30am, 12:00pm, 6:30pm 

1/23Present Lexapro .101 mgpw - 8.08 mgai 8:00am

1/23-Present Estradiol .50mg 8:00am

1/23-Present 30mg Cymbalta 12:30pm

6/23 to present Holding no changes 7/4 reduced Lexapro to 7.92mg 7/31 7.84mg 8/7 7.76mg 7/14 7.60mg 10/1 7.44mg 10/28 7.36mg 2/1 7.12mg 2/14 7.04mg 3/5/24 6.88mg 3/12 6.80mg

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Hi Ariel. I don't know you, and yet you have been so kind to me. I have withdrawn from other sh.. before the ADs and I can tell you with absolutely certainty, that the 'I am f-up who have made nothing but bad choices'-feeling is not real. Neither are the 'I once had a good life, but I threw it all away'-feeling. I am restoring an old boat at the moment and it is one big fat metaphor for withdrawal. Over the years all kinds of quick but ultimately bad repairs have been done and It takes a forever to undo. I don't blame the previous owners because it so obvious some genius have told them "nope, no need to take the leaky windows out, clean them up, change the seals and gently put them back in. Just put some of this gooey stuff around the edges. It will do." It never does. 

 

I have seen you in action here on SA, and I can assure you that behind the pain of withdrawal your intellectual prowess, your creativity and your sensibility towards your fellow human is intact. 

2004: (apr): Citalopram 20 mg, June 60 mg., dec 20 mg

2004 (dec): Mirtazapine 15 mg.

2014 (Jun): Citalopram stop cold turkey. Began 10 mg Vortioxetine

2017: (dec): Mirtazapine 15 mg ->30 mg (after three day stint on psych ward)

2020: (aug): Vortioxetine 10 mg stopped cold turkey. 

2020 (dec): Mirtazapine 30 mg -> 15 mg (GPs instructions)

2021 (feb): Mirtazapine reinstatement 26,25 mg

2022 (Jan): Mirtazapine (5% taper): 14. Jan 24,9 mg, 6. feb 23,7 mg, 1. marts 22,5 mg, 15. marts 21,3 mg, 2. april 20 mg, 26. april 19. mg, 25. may 18.1 mg, 26 jun 17 mg.

 

Have always taken fish oil capsules. Do not drink alcohol when tapering. 1 multivitamin pill a day. Try to eat healthy, but impossible on mirtazapine.

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18 hours ago, Ariel said:

On a practical note, some specifics about symptoms in this current wave (what i can remember):

- neuro-emotions (IBNLT anxiety, fear, panic, shame, self-loathing, self-criticism/second guessing, self-doubt, self-blame, etc.)

- poor sleep (low quantity and quality)

- vivid nightmares 

- digestion issues

- appetite regulation issues

- nausea

- extreme fatigue/exhaustion 

- cognitive/behavioral dysfunction (IBNLT poor judgment, lack of impulse control, social impropriety/misbehavior, emotional contagion, diminished empathy, emotional dysregulation, inability to think properly -- cannot think something through, impatience, high reactivity/sensitivity/volatility, inattention/difficulty concentrating, difficulty following storylines in narrative and non-fiction media, disinterest in watching movies/tv, cognitive distortions, etc.) 

- affective (IBNLT emotional anesthesia, inability to cry or connect with feelings, irritability, avolition, anhedonia, apathy, disengagement, disgust, demotivation, envy, lack of positive emotions, no feeling of reward or satisfaction, low mood, boredom/disinterest, restlessness, etc.)

- mental (very unpleasant thoughts, overwhelming quantity and negativity and noise of thoughts, intrusive/repetitive thoughts)

- headache, head pressure, jaw tension

- muscle aches and pains, particularly neck, nape, shoulders, lower back 

- brain zaps in teeth

- depersonalization and derealization (DP/DR)

- eye strain, vision issues (blurry vision, double vision) 

- extreme bodily discomfort, crawling-out-of-my-skin feeling, simultaneous restlessness and boredom/no drive, cannot find a comfortable/safe position, jumpy and exhausted at once, overwhelming nebulous pervasive upsetness, inability to relax or rest (is this a kind of akathisia?)

- weird feeling when moving and walking, discoordination and like this is not my body, like something else is moving this body remotely and something is off (DP/DR related probably)

- suicidal ideation (SI)

- dissociation (inability to be present), cannot get in my body, cannot find connection 

- resistance 

- incongruous sweating, chills

- heat intolerance, difficulties with temperature regulation

 

 

adding a few i forgot: 

- tinnitus (intermittent)

- confusion/disorientation (e.g. in conversation; when trying to process information; when something unexpected occurs)

- meaninglessness (also feelings of absurdity, nonsense, unreality, randomness, chaos)

- word salad, verbal jumble

 

adding this, originally posted elsewhere:

I have been feeling so lost, staggering through the days, fumbling through numbness, feeling everything and nothing all at once all the while not knowing what I'm feeling, who what where when why how f*cked if I know, I feel like some_thing_ that I don't know what/who is, stuffed into a human flesh suit and clumsily quasi-remote-animated, and oh how I long to either escape entirely or properly connect/center/ground, and somehow neither of those options is available, I am just stuck in this liminal unspace of non-orientable surface dis/dys-existence. 

 

1996-2018 - misc. polypharmacy, incl. SSRIs, SNRIs, neuroleptics, lithium, benzos, stimulants, antihistamines, etc. (approx. 30+ drugs)

2012-2018 - 10mg lexapro/escitalopram (20mg?)    Jan. 2018 - 10mg -> 5mg, then from 5mg -> 2.5mg, then 0mg  -->  July 2018 - 0mg

2017(?)-2020 - vyvanse/lisdexamfetamine 60-70mg    2020-2021 - 70mg down to 0mg  -->  July 2021 - 0mg

March-April 2021 - vortioxetine 5-10mg (approx. 7 weeks total; CT)  -->  April 28th, 2021 - 0mg

supplements: magnesium powder (dissolved in water) as needed throughout the day; 1 tsp fish oil w/ morning meal; 2mg melatonin 

August 1, 2022 - 1 mg melatonin

 

Courage is fear that has said its prayers.  - Karle Wilson Baker

love and justice are not two. without inner change, there can be no outer change; without collective change, no change matters.  - Rev. angel Kyodo williams

Holding multiple truths. Knowing that everyone has their own accurate view of the way things are.  - text on homemade banner at Afiya house

 

I am not a medical professional; this is not medical advice. 

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@Ariel

 

I feel very much like you feel much of the time...I don't write about it much and you write about it in such detail - I think you feel like your mind is in a maze and you can't get out even with all your maps...all I can write is that you are very much not alone in feeling that as some of the other posters have testified themselves in their replies.  I think when one has as you have been mauled repeatedly by grossly abusive family dynamics compounded by being thrown into the psychiatric ring early on, it leaves it mark on your mind.  I think there are a lot of us out there only we are on our own largely...except for sites like this one. 

 

For me what I have been finding helpful in the past few days is the concept of destiny and acceptance, or the Muslim concept of submission and that 'it is written'.  I write this as an atheist but it is relaxing to just let go.  Bad things happen to people that lead them down these roads - the psychiatric system, abusive relationships...

 

I also think of this poem by Rumi which I have reproduced below which you probably already know .  I do think you are a very talented writer and are wasted just writing on this site valuable and all as your contributions are  - I think you need a purpose - perhaps to write a memoire, something for MAD in American - something...  

 

On the drugs front - you're only nearly more than a year off being medicated for a long part of your life...I'm no expert....I look at the data here - it seems that it can take a long time to heal from that.  whether you decide to go back on drugs for a  better quality of life I suppose is up to yourself.  I was doubting myself a while back and was going to try for Lithium until JanCarol posted on my thread ... I haven't to date but I can understand some of what you feel. 

 

In June of 2020 when I was in the middle of the first lock down and around 1 years 4 months off Cymbalta and having poor sleep I upped the Mirtazapine again to 7.5 from 3.75mg.  I didn't know what else to do and wasn't fully cognisant that what I was experiencing was withdrawal.   I have read some of the advice on this site but was not really on it in detail.  I still believed in the psychiatric narrative - I was asking for Risperidone from mental health facilities.  I think lack of sleep can make rumination worse and I think loneliness and being on ones own all the time make things worse. 

 

Before I got COVID I was tackling myself up to going back to a peer support group - even though they are bio medically based I knew I needed company.   I think you could do with something like that.  Please forgive me for being forward.  I know what you feel about having someone to befriend you and 'hold you' so to speak.  I had a nanny who did that for me for much of my life and I still miss her.    But the last therapist I saw said I needed to be my own parent and to work on my relationship with myself.  I think we are perhaps both in a bit of the same boat there - we need to learn to be kinder to ourselves and mother and comfort ourselves.  I think you need to be very kind to yourself as a very special human being.  And ...being forward again...I think you need more content in your life...something that will allow you to engage at some level with life....that will stop some of the rumination.   I am in a similar boat myself.

 

Well I must go and feed my cats now - I hope you can take some comfort from what I wrote - you are not alone in feeling like this.

 

Oaktree

 

 

The Guest House

This being human is a guest house.
Every morning a new arrival.

A joy, a depression, a meanness,
some momentary awareness comes
as an unexpected visitor.

Welcome and entertain them all!
Even if they’re a crowd of sorrows,
who violently sweep your house
empty of its furniture,
still, treat each guest honorably.
He may be clearing you out
for some new delight.

The dark thought, the shame, the malice,
meet them at the door laughing,
and invite them in.

Be grateful for whoever comes,
because each has been sent
as a guide from beyond.

 

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Currently tapering Mirtazapine; previously tapered Cymbalta 30mg from June 2018-Feb 2019 and Seroquel 150mg to zero from Oct-December 2020.

Supplements for Hashimoto's disease and histamine issues relating to Mirtazapine:   Vitamin D3 1,000mcg, bio-identical HRT, Selenium, Quercetin, Lutein, Zinc, Vitamin C, Omega 3.

Mirtazapine Taper: 2021 16th Aug -  transitioned to liquid from tablet by dissolving two 15mg tablets into a solution of 15 ml water and 15 ml maple syrup on a starting dose of what I thought was 7.5ml; 17 Sept  - 7.31; 24 Sept  - 7.13; 15 Oct  - 6.95; 6 Nov  - 6.78; 21 Nov  - 6.61; 5 Dec  - 6.51;

2022 - 1 Jan 6.41; 1 Feb  - 6.1; 9 Mar -  5.8; 13 Mar - 5.9; 7 Apr - 5.8; 21 Apr - 5.7; 7 May - 5.63; 23 May - 5.55; 8 June 5.50;  (got COVID on 12th June so held); 1 July 5.4; 15 July 5.32; 8 Aug 5.2; 15 Aug 5.1; 22 Aug 5; 19 Sept 4.9; 2 Oct 4.81; 13 Oct 4.71; (COVID Booster 17/10/22 so longer hold ); 1 Nov 4.65; 3 Nov 4.60; 10 Nov 4.55; 13 Nov 4.50; 17 Nov 4.45; 20 Nov 4.40;  2 Dec 4.30mg; 9 Dec 4.20mg; I discovered that the volumetric container measured 33ml rather than 30ml in Dec 2022. Following helpful advice from moderator OnMyWay (see her  reply of the 5th March) discovered taper with the dilution was 3.8mg (calculated by dividing 30/33 so that every 1ml of solution has  0.90ml of Mirtazapine.  7.50 - 0.90= 6.6ml which was the starting dose on 16th Aug 2021 not 7.5ml).  I decided to keep using the solution as I didn't want more change to deal with than I had to.

2023 17 Mar 4.1(3.7); 26 Mar 4.0(3.6); 14 Apr 3.9(3.51)28 Apr 3.8(3.42); 6 Jun 3.7(3.33); 19 Jun 3.6(3.24); 30 Jun 3.5(3.1); 19 Jul 3.4(3.06); 27 Jul 3.35 (3.01); 29 Jul 3.3 (2.97); 4 Aug 3.25 (2.92); 7 Aug 3.2 (2.88); 21 Aug 3.1 (2.79); 14.09 3 (2.7); 29th Sept 2.9(2.61); 15 Oct 2.8(2.52); 30 Oct 10 2.7(2.43); 13 Nov 2.65(2.38); 20 Nov 2.6(2.34); 26 Nov 2.55(2.29); 10 Dec 2.5(2.25); 

2024 - 14 Jan 2.45(2.20); 22 Jan 2.40(2.16); 29 Jan 2.35(2.11); 2 Feb 2.3 (2.07);15 Feb 2.25(2.02); 22 Feb 2.21 (1.98); 29 Feb 2.17(1.95); 7 Mar 2.13(1.91); 21 Mar 2.05 (1.84);

 

This is not 'medical advice' - my 'non medical advice' is don't get any more 'medical advice' or you may end up getting more 'medical treatment' i.e more drugs, DSM labels and/or ECT.   Please do not PM me thanks.

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1 hour ago, Ariel said:

I feel like some_thing_ that I don't know what/who is, stuffed into a human flesh suit and clumsily quasi-remote-animated, and oh how I long to either escape entirely or properly connect/center/ground, and somehow neither of those options is available, I am just stuck in this liminal unspace of non-orientable surface dis/dys-existence. 

Ariel your writing style and use of words to convey your thoughts has me amazed. I feel so mentally handicapped from withdrawal that I often find it hard to put my experiences into words.

 

I feel you should write a book about your journey from over-medicated to drug-free. You do have a talent expressing your experiences in an organic way where it is easy to empathize with your struggles. I want so badly to see you become a success story as that would be a good finale to your recovery story.

 

What you have been able to do and accomplish in your life through all this adversity is nothing short of inspiring. Even reading about your trip to the gym had me thinking that if someone with your symptoms is managing to try these things, there is no reason I cannot as well.

 

I just want to say I hope you find a nice window soon and to remember that each torturous minute of our lives is one minute closer to full recovery.

 

Take care, fight on.

2008: March, Klonopin .5 mg to 1 mg

2009: Dec, CT Klonopin

2010: full year heavy alcohol use

2011: Jan - withdrawals start

2012: Apr- bad wave, start zoloft 50

2014 to 2020: Switch ADs

Sertraline 100mgs >Lexapro 20 mgs>Prozac 20 mgs >Lexapro 20

2021: Sertraline 25 mgs

2022: Mar. Cut dose down to 12.5

End of May, starting to crash physically/mentally.

 

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  • Mentor

@Ariel

My heart goes out to.  I could cry with you, I can relate to the pain as so many on here can. Please rest assured that you are more in the present and focused then you think.  You write beautifully, you have the ability to reach out and encourage others. You may think you can't feel, but you are in there, sharing, helping others, expressing, hurting, caring for others. 

 

All that self help you did is still there it's what got you this far in your journey.  When your brain straightens out it will be more accessible. You will be able to connect with yourself more without the drugs dulling and confusing your brain and body.  I read in the book Your Drugs Might Be Your Problem.  People taking the drugs didn't always notice the negative affect it was happening to them. It was the family or someone who new them.  Can you try and see who you really are drug free.    I am not diminishing how hard this is.  I am sure may of us, me included, have that thought, maybe I should try some other drug, or this is who I am, I can't take this anymore.  This is one of the most uncomprehend able thing to experience. When I have a deeper wave of things, mainly relentless obsessing, fear and depression I wonder if I am going to go crazy, snap and hurt myself. SI set rears it's ugly head.

 

Thank you for being open and honest with how you are feeling.  As un kind as it may sound it is re assuring to know that you are not alone.  It can empower us to to keep fighting on.  The reality of this is beyond hard at times.  Yes we want to share and encourage with positivity, but validation we all go through tough  times were we feel  weak in the ability cope, hurting and struggling, trying to hang on  doing the best that we  can.  

 

You will bounce back Ariel you have more fight in you.🤗

 

Time to take out What's Happening in Your Brain :blink:

Me included 

 

https://www.survivingantidepressants.org/topic/24894-greatful-is-this-withdrawal-or-to-many-med-changes-at-once/

1995? Prozac,  tried several Paxil, Serzone, St John's Wart back to Prozac and Trazodone ct:d Traz

 Lexapro. Tried to stop Crash in 2015  Kindled   Hospitalized, Vybrid, Seroquel, Effexor, Abilify  Pristiq, Wellbutrin-- 2016  ended back on   Prozac and Lamictal 200mg

5/2020  thru 12/2020 taper from 20mg  Prozac  down to 3mg.  Crashed  12/13/2020 Zoloft 50mg 1/29ct  1/29/2021 Seroquel 50mg ct  2/12/2021 Wellbutrin 75mg.  Became hypo manic 2/1  6ct Trazodone 50mg 4/25  25mg 2/5/ 2021 Lamictal 150mg.  2/24  100mg   4/9  75mg   4/21 37.5 

2/16/2021 Seroquel 50xr  3/3 100mg  3/17  150mg  side effects ct   4/3 2021 Lexapro 5mg  4/14  7.5mg  4/30 10mg  5/10  7.5mg 

2021/ 5/16  5mg Lexapro   37.5 Lamictal   25mg trazadone,   xanax  .0625mg  3x a day   

Lexapro  Taper> Sept/01/2021  4.90mg>  Sept/25  4.75mg>   Oct/19 4.69mg > Nov/14 4.2mg    Jan/30/2022-- Split dosing 2x a day All liquid  4.2mg  (2.20mg at 8am & 2mg at 4pm) 2/17 4mg>  2/24  3.8mg  slow taper to  Aug/12/2022 2.04mg  2023> 2mg,  1.90mg, 1.80mg, 1.70mg, 1.5mg, 1.4mg, 1.3mg 1.2mg, 1.1mg, 1mg, 0.9mg, 0.8mg, 0.7mg 0.65mg, 0.6mg, 0.55mg, 0.5mg, 0.45mg, 0.4mg, 0.35mg, 0.3mg, 0.25,mg, back to once a day dosing 0 .1mg, 0.07mg

Lamictal  taper  4/17/ 2022 25mg, 9/9/ 22 -20mg, 9/25/22- 15mg , 10/20/22-   0

 Trazodone..2023.>down to 14mg, 7mg, 6mg  July 2023   0

Xanax  0.0625 3 x a day,  2023>  0.042 3x a day

Supplements  Magnesium glycinate, Omega 3, D3, vitamin c , zinc, NAC 

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I love you, Ariel.  The love we can give each other here, that you have given so many, is love in its purest form.  Love, from one consciousness to another, disembodied and context-free, pure empathy and  awareness of the shared suffering of life.  What would life be, without shared suffering… the cracked open liquid empathy and spiritual awakening that may follow?  I have been feeling similar lately… googling this and that potential fix, an old ingrained belief system sputtering out its last breaths.  We move forward.  Life was never supposed to be easy.  The drugs made it easy, in the most horrific and destructive way.  Whatever the drugs made easy, was making something else more difficult.  There is a cost for everything.  If you had never made that decision to get off the drugs, you would not have undergone your awakening, and you would not be present here, helping all of us to hold on for one more day, shining beauty on our suffering.  You bring to light the collateral beauty (I stole that from a movie title).

And, you have a wicked sense of humor :)

2007-Prozac then off replaced with Zoloft 

2008- Off Zoloft replaced with Fluvoxamine 

2008-2009 50mg Fluvoxamine 

2009-2020 150mg Fluvoxamine 

2013-14 addition of Lexapro and Zyprexa

2015 back to only Fluvoxamine 

2019-2021 additional 150mg Wellbutrin 

2020-present taper off Fluvoxamine and Wellbutrin 

2022 - mid-February - last dose 25 mg Wellbutrin

July 2021 25 (12.5 twice a day) mg Fluvoxamine hold

switch to compounded XR 12.5 mg Fluvoxamine capsules twice a day mid July 2022

Magnesium, Fish Oil, microdose CBD 

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  • Moderator Emeritus
On 6/15/2022 at 9:31 PM, Ariel said:

The monkey's being so very mean, its vitriol and vicious attacks are shocking. I feel like I'm being bullied by my own mind. I'm trying to AAF and breathe and distract, etc. Doesn't feel like it's helping. The neuro-emotions are in full force, especially in collusion with anything negative turned inwards against me. The monkey's violence makes me feel very sad. It's exhausting trying to live through this. 

 

Perhaps the monkey is getting desperate because it realises that it is going to lose?

2001: 20mg paroxetine
2003-2014: Switched between 20mg citalopram and 10mg escitalopram with several failed CT's
2015: Jan/ Feb-very fast taper off citalopram; Mar/ Apr-crashed; 23 Apr-reinstated 5mg; 05 May-updosed to 10mg; 15 Jul-started taper; Aug-9.0mg; Sep-8.1mg; Oct-7.6mg; Nov-6.8mg; Dec-6.2mg
2016: Jan-5.7mg; Feb-5.2mg; Mar-5.0mg;  Apr-4.5mg; May-4.05mg; Jun-3.65mg; Jul-3.3mg; Aug-2.95mg; 04Sep-2.65mg; 25Sep-2.4mg; 23Oct-2.15mg; 13Nov-1.95mg; 04Dec-1.75mg; 25Dec-1.55mg.
2017: 08Jan-1.4mg; 22Jan-1.25mg; 12Feb-1.1mg; 26Feb-1.0mg; 05Mar-0.9mg; 15Mar-0.8mg; 22Mar-0.7mg; 02Apr-0.6; 09Apr-0.5mg; 16Apr-0.4mg; 23Apr-0.3; 03May-0.2mg; 10May-0.1mg

Finished taper 17 May 2017.

Read my success story

 

I am not a medical professional. The information I provide is not medical advice. If in doubt please consult with a qualified healthcare provider.

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Hello @Ariel, just stopped by to send you my love. I hope you get better soon, in my life some moments when I thought I could no longer be, hold on, take anymore were followed by growth and happiness. There was a time where I literally passed from being rock bottom to be hopeful and blissful. That was when I started jogging. I finally could feel the energy to do it. It was such a milestone in my life starting jogging... It completely reversed my social anxiety I felt for years. I can only hope you can find something similar to help you. 😘

2007 - 15mg olanzapine, mood stabilizer, benzo, quetiapine 2009 - aripiprazol, benzo, lamotrigine 100mg 2015 - olzp 15mg, zolpidem 2017 - trazodone 2 weeks, cold turkey, lamotrigine and zolpidem, olzp 15mg, mood stabilizer, benzo 2018 - olzp 5mg, Nov olzp 2,5mg down directly from 5mg no symptoms 2019 - olzp 2,5mg cold turkey Jan after 12 days reinstated, Nov taper cutting pills 14 days reinstated 2,5mg 2020 - failed liquid taper, reinstated 2,5mg, 2022 - liquid taper 2,5% reductions Jan, huge crisis in May up to 30mg, tapered, reached 2,5mg in Set - decided to stop tapering and remain at 2,5mg olanzapine indefinetely.

 

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