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Ariel

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  • Mentor

Hello lovely @Arielso sad to read how absolutely awful you feel. So many have already hopped on here to support you. We love you here - your thoughts and care for others is truly amazing and those same thoughts, care and love for yourself have got you this far. You still have all that work you did for yourself, it’s in there, hidden at the moment as someone else said. It’s why you are still here, it’s why you are getting through this the way you are, even though right now you feel you can’t do it anymore. You can do it and you will. Have you read Rosetta? She has spent a very long time, like you, recovering from protracted withdrawal, longer than you, I think, and you will see now she has days where she feel happiness and joy, her life is slowly coming back together and yours will too. Hang in there, this wave will pass and you will feel a bit better. I wish you had someone to hold you and hold your hand, we hold your hand virtually, love and hugs, Faure ❤️❤️❤️

am not a medical professional. I provide information and make suggestions based on my own experience and SA guidelines. I am unable to respond to private messages. 

Mirtazepine 15mg Nov 2018 -April 2019  April - Sept 2019 Mirtazepine down to around 6mg - skipping days to taper

October 2019 - Dec 2019 unwell from failed taper including jumping about in doses 

15 December 2019 to 13 June 2021 15mg Mirtazepine 

14 June 2021 started brass monkey Slide.  
2021: 23 August 12.3mg, 28 October 11.1mg, 6 Dec 10mg

2022: 12 Feb 8.5, 25 Oct 4.5mg

2023: 16 Jan 3.6mg, 28 Sept 1.8mg

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Ariel, I just read your post on struggling and I am so sorry too.  I've only been here a short time but it's clear you offer so much support to many of us.   Thank you for your kindness.  You have done amazing and a little over one year off the last med,  the healing is going strong.  Pm me anytime

Hugs.

Recent 2018 Zoloft 150mg  (20 years taking at various times, no real issues before stopping)

2019 Risperdal one month low dose (forget amount) stopped bad reaction

2019 Remeron 7.5 mg sleep  (discontinued in mid 2019) on for six months (tapered for a few weeks)

Zoloft 100 mg Summer 2020/Zoloft 75 mg Summer 2021

Zoloft 50 mg November 2021/ Zoloft 25 mg First two weeks January 2022: Reinstated 50 mgJanuary Last week)

Crash in February - on and off doses as doctors conflicted over serotonin syndrome/withdrawal - stopped all for two week & resumed:\

Other drugs tried in hospitals (Abilify, 1mg, 1 dose, Zyprexa 1 dose 1mg, Klonopin .25 4 doses in 2 hospitalizations)

March 1 titrated Zoloft up from 0 to 65 from February to Early May

Severe vision problems at 65 mg (improved depression)

Taper to 55 6/15, 45mg 7/15/ 35mg 8/1, 25mg 8/15, 10 mg, 8/31 OFF 9/2022 Omg  Improved with drops from August to September - November crash ONE dose Zoloft 3mg 11/17 - worsened symptoms - Remain off Zoloft

Mirtazapine -3.5 mg six weeks mid march to end april, occasionally for sleep

Supplements: Fish oil, magnesium, lions mane, cytokine suppress, MCT Oil

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  • Moderator

@Ariel,

I'm thinking of you. No pressure for an update but hoping you are doing better than the last one!

 

 

"Nothing so small as a moment is insurmountable, and moments are all that we have. You have survived every trial and tribulation that life has thrown at you up until this very instant. When future troubles come—and they will come—a version of you will be born into that moment that can conquer them, too." - Kevin Koenig 

 

I am not a doctor and this should not be considered medical advice. You can use the information and recommendations provided in whatever way you want and all decisions on your treatment are yours. 

 

In the next few weeks I do not have a lot of capacity to respond to questions. If you need a quick answer pls tag or ask other moderators who may want to be tagged. 

 

Aug  2000 - July 2003 (ct, 4-6 wk wd) , citalopram 20 mg,  xanax prn, wellbutrin for a few months, trazodone prn 

Dec 2004 - July 2018 citalopram 20 mg, xanax prn (rarely used)

Aug 2018 - citalopram 40 mg (self titrated up)

September 2018 - January 2019 tapered citalopram - 40/30/20/10/5 no issues until a week after reaching 0

Feb 2019 0.25 xanax - 0.5/day (3 weeks) over to klonopin 0.25 once a day to manage severe wd

March 6, reinstated citalopram 2.5 mg (liquid), klonopin 0.25 mg for sleep 2-3 times a week

Apr 1st citalopram 2.0 mg (liquid), klonopin 0.25 once a week (off by 4/14/19- no tapering)

citalopram (liquid) 4/14/19 -1.8 mg, 5/8/19 - 1.6 mg,  7/27/19 -1.5 mg,  8/15/19 - 1.35, 2/21/21 - 1.1 (smaller drops in between), 6/20/21 - 1.03 mg, 8/7/21- 1.025, 8/11/21 - 1.02, 8/15/21 - 1.015, 9/3/21 - 0.925 (fingers crossed!), 10/8/21 - 0.9, 10/18/21 - 0.875, 12/31/21 - 0.85, 1/7/22 - 0.825, 1/14/22 - 0.8, 1/22/22 - 0.785, 8/18/22 - 0.59, 12/15/2022 - 0.48, 2/15/22 - 0.43, 25/07/23 - 0.25 (mistake), 6/08/23 - 0.33mg

 

Supplements: magnesium citrate and bi-glycinate

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❤️

2007-Prozac then off replaced with Zoloft 

2008- Off Zoloft replaced with Fluvoxamine 

2008-2009 50mg Fluvoxamine 

2009-2020 150mg Fluvoxamine 

2013-14 addition of Lexapro and Zyprexa

2015 back to only Fluvoxamine 

2019-2021 additional 150mg Wellbutrin 

2020-present taper off Fluvoxamine and Wellbutrin 

2022 - mid-February - last dose 25 mg Wellbutrin

July 2021 25 (12.5 twice a day) mg Fluvoxamine hold

switch to compounded XR 12.5 mg Fluvoxamine capsules twice a day mid July 2022

Magnesium, Fish Oil, microdose CBD 

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  • Moderator Emeritus

Hi Ariel, 

 

Just popping around to let you know I’m thinking of you. I’m so very sorry you’re in such a bad wave. Protracted withdrawal must be so frightening. 
 

I wish I could take away your pain. You’re such a lovely person, you care so much for others and I can see they care for you too. You have touched many hearts. 
 

I hope this wave settles a little for you soon, sending big hugs🤗

Been on APs, benzos, ADs and opiates, for chronic pain. Had Akathisia in the past that made me suicidal. Still on Seroquel. 2019:➡️ March10=7.25mg ✔️ April17=7.0✔️ June5=6.75✔️ July14=6.50✔️ Aug28=6.25✔️ Oct10=6.20  ✔️ Oct21=6.0✔️ Dec16=5.80 ✔️ 2020➡️ Jan 21=5.60 ✔️ April2=5.40 ✔️ May29=5.20 ✔️ Aug14= 5.0 ✔️Sep29=4.80✔️2021➡️ Jan31=4.60 mg✔️ April24=4.40mg✔️Jul17=4.30mg ✔️ Aug 28=4.20 ✔️ Oct 11=4.15✔️Nov1=4.10 ✔️ Nov21= 4.05✔️ Dec13= 4mg ✔️2022 ➡️ Jan8=3.95✔️ Jan31=3.90✔️ March2=3.85 ✔️ April4=3.80 ✔️ June16=3.75✔️ July26=3.70✔️ Sep2=3.65✔️ Oct21=3.60 ✔️ Dec8=3.55✔️2023➡️ Jan 26=3.50✔️ March 17=3.45✔️ June12=3.40✔️ July30=3.35✔️ Sep14=3.30✔️ Oct31=3.25✔️This is NOT medical advice.Consult your doctor.

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@Ariel 💜

2021:  started celexa 10mg feb 2nd 

feb 25th took my last 10g; feb 26th 5mg; feb 27th 5mg; feb 28th 2021 cold turkey 

currently taking mag

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Thank you, everyone. 

Your messages mean more than I can say.

I am getting through the days, moment by moment. 

I trust you when you say it's going to be okay.

Thank you.

Love, A.

 

1996-2018 - misc. polypharmacy, incl. SSRIs, SNRIs, neuroleptics, lithium, benzos, stimulants, antihistamines, etc. (approx. 30+ drugs)

2012-2018 - 10mg lexapro/escitalopram (20mg?)    Jan. 2018 - 10mg -> 5mg, then from 5mg -> 2.5mg, then 0mg  -->  July 2018 - 0mg

2017(?)-2020 - vyvanse/lisdexamfetamine 60-70mg    2020-2021 - 70mg down to 0mg  -->  July 2021 - 0mg

March-April 2021 - vortioxetine 5-10mg (approx. 7 weeks total; CT)  -->  April 28th, 2021 - 0mg

supplements: magnesium powder (dissolved in water) as needed throughout the day; 1 tsp fish oil w/ morning meal; 2mg melatonin 

August 1, 2022 - 1 mg melatonin

 

Courage is fear that has said its prayers.  - Karle Wilson Baker

love and justice are not two. without inner change, there can be no outer change; without collective change, no change matters.  - Rev. angel Kyodo williams

Holding multiple truths. Knowing that everyone has their own accurate view of the way things are.  - text on homemade banner at Afiya house

 

I am not a medical professional; this is not medical advice. 

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@Arielthinking of you. ❤️

Started Lamictal and Brintellix in November 2015

May 2016 Discontinued Lamictal 100 to 50 and then stopped completely.

October 20, 2016 discontinued Brintellex 10 to 5 then went from 5 to 0 on November 10, 2016.

 

Currently off all antidepressants

 

Current Supplements:  L-Theanine, Natural Progesterone, L-Methylfolate, Vitamin D, Omega-3's, Probiotic

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@Ariel

How are you feeling today? Know that I am thinking about you and praying for you. This will not last forever dear Ariel. Soon you will be in a beautiful window and back to sharing the love and light we all have come accustomed to from you and your bright shining heart. 

Ninabird

PREVIOUS

2018 Ativan 1mg Oct-Jan (CT), 2019 Effexor 75mg, Klonopin .25mg, Trazadone 75mg, Bridge to Prozac (?dose), 2020 Taper off all, 2021 Zoloft (?dose), Jan-May (CT @ Hospital), Remeron (?dose) Trazadone 75mg, Propanolol (?dose), Klonopin .50mg, Buspar (?dose),

2021 Prozac (?dose), Trazadone 75mg, Klonopin 2 times a day, 2021 August fast taper Trazadone  Prozac fast taper in August. August Lexapro 10mg

2022 January  Lexapro to 25mg, February FT to 10mg Lexapro over 6 weeks, Klonopin .25mg 2 times a day, May Effexor 35mg, June bridge from Effexor to 30mg Cymbalta. Held on Lexapro until November.

supplements  2023  Jan Probiotics stopped taking after two weeks ADR April 1k Iu Vitamin D W/ K stopped after a few days ADR. March 50mg Mag glycinate stopped after a week ADR

January 2023added an additional .25 mg Klonopin (.25 mg three times a day)

CURRENT

1/23-Present Klonopin .75mg divided into .25mg 3 times a day. 6:30am, 12:00pm, 6:30pm 

1/23Present Lexapro .101 mgpw - 8.08 mgai 8:00am

1/23-Present Estradiol .50mg 8:00am

1/23-Present 30mg Cymbalta 12:30pm

6/23 to present Holding no changes 7/4 reduced Lexapro to 7.92mg 7/31 7.84mg 8/7 7.76mg 7/14 7.60mg 10/1 7.44mg 10/28 7.36mg 2/1 7.12mg 2/14 7.04mg 3/5/24 6.88mg 3/12 6.80mg

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@Ninabird @Sheera @Phoenixmama @Onmyway @Carmie @Mdawg @Roserdl @Faure @Rrsfc @Dan998 @Greatful @Kaervin @Oaktree1 @Mirtazapine20mg @wantrelief @Believer @Chlo @Comfyquilt@Erell  @savinggrace  @arbor

@almuPA  @MtSnow  @Katy398  @Kris73  @Pollyjay  @TentacleFinn  @Happy2Heal  @Altostrata@TrazodoneShouldBeIllegal18 @Greeneyedfelines @FeralCatman  @Healingcontinues  @belikeabamboo  @Rosetta @unblocktheplanet  ChessieCat and all of the truly amazing moderator and administrator staff

 

Thank you wholeheartedly for your beautiful, kind messages. It has been a rough month thus far and I so appreciate your compassion and encouragement. The support you extend so generously here and elsewhere around the site means the world to me. What you write and share about your own experiences helps me at least just as much. Thank you for offering your stories so that we may witness each other. Your words are a healing balm. Thank you for having my back when my own hurts so bad.

 

I hope it's not too vulgar to batch-thank you, sorry to be a boor. It's so moving to see your handles grouped together, makes me feel like we are gathering for a party! SA community summer solstice picnic. Everyone's invited, if I happen to have left off any names, blame WD-brain. My heart remembers you all.

 

I'm happy to share that I've been feeling some relief today. Was able to do some yoga; take care of some important admin; rest in a way that felt more restful. There are still some impressive symptoms rattling about but I'm feeling less rattled by them (which is frequently the decisive factor). The neuro-emotions have diminished somewhat in intensity, same with the SI, DP/DR, and HUA*. Overall it's feeling more bearable to be alive. In WD terms that translates to: cause for celebration! (It's funny how everything is relative. I'm glad you get what a big deal it is to feel even slightly less awful.) (*HUA - head up arse)

 

I've come to realize (possibly for the umpteenth time, and may very well forget again) that I'm pretty dismal at gauging whether I'm in a window or WDnormal, so I'm just not thinking about it. It seems clear enough when a wave hits (although I don't always see it coming, once I'm in it there it is), and usually becomes apparent sooner or later when it dissipates. Basically I don't have an obvious (to me) windows and waves pattern anymore, haven't for the past half year or so. It's not impossible that I've had windows which I've just been thinking of as "better days", I had a few of those in May and figured my baseline was improving. I don't know why I'm sharing this, it's pretty inconsequential to anyone other than me I suppose.

 

I do notice sometimes within myself I hedge my bets a bit when I start to notice a wave lifting. The neuro-emotion can make me prone to magical and or superstitious thinking where I'm vaguely afraid to jinx things if I hope too soon that things are improving. It's not so strong as to engender behavior(s) but just enough that I monitor it and try to keep it in check so as not to propagate false resistance to the impending possibility of respite. Such a weird, heady thing, all of this. 

 

Scattered notes, bits and bobs: last Thursday I was able to do some yoga, then crashed for the next few days. Sunday and yesterday the weather cooled down and the overcast, raininess was a boon. (I have not been doing well with the bright, sunny, warm temperatures at all; fast forward to next season, please.) The past three weeks I've been inundated with exhaustion, likely exacerbated by the intense grass pollen increase. I've been feeling like I'm sleepwalking awake and reaching to parlay that into actual rest/sleep. Over the weekend I managed a few naps, which felt good. There was even this one time I had a pleasant dream. Imagine that, haha!

 

This wave has been brutally honest and ruthlessly generous in confronting me with certain behavioral challenges. It's (somewhat) interesting (now that I'm feeling a bit better). I'm not entirely sure how much of the poor judgment I exhibit is due strictly to WD-brain at any given moment and how much is "me" (how one does love that distinction, however vainly one clings to it), but it's something I'm sitting with. I'm not proud of my actions and am trying to accept them as indicative of a "shadow" that bears examining (for now only to the extent I can handle without spiraling; I'm sure there'll be plenty left over for post-WD work). As with other elements of WD, e.g. neuro-emotions and shame, there seems to at the very least be a kernel of truth as to what surfaces. I have been drawing inspiration from @Onmyway's numerous helpful IFS posts and links (thank you!) and musing about various possible parts, exiles and managers and firefighters, as evidenced by subconscious demonstrative displays of social failing. I haven't had the energy to properly delve in but there is something touching and disarming in the perspective that there may be tender parts vying to be acknowledged, like weeds pushing up through the concrete. Maybe one day I will see the weeds for what they are and not judge them so harshly for their impropriety. (In real life I love any tendril that rages against the tyranny of pavement.) All this to say: Thank you, wave. And f*uck you. 

 

Thank you, friends in community, comrades in arms, for making me feel seen and cared about and validated. Thank you for providing sonar confirmation of my existence when abysmal DP/DR echolocation is otherwise reflecting nothing intelligible. Thank you for being such shining examples of courage and strength and perseverance when I'm feeling most fragile and least patient. Thank you for inspiration, encouragement, faith. Thank you for making me laugh!

 

I hold you in my heart and sing a song of healing and peace for us all. Happy solstice <3

Love and gratitude,

A. 

 

  

1996-2018 - misc. polypharmacy, incl. SSRIs, SNRIs, neuroleptics, lithium, benzos, stimulants, antihistamines, etc. (approx. 30+ drugs)

2012-2018 - 10mg lexapro/escitalopram (20mg?)    Jan. 2018 - 10mg -> 5mg, then from 5mg -> 2.5mg, then 0mg  -->  July 2018 - 0mg

2017(?)-2020 - vyvanse/lisdexamfetamine 60-70mg    2020-2021 - 70mg down to 0mg  -->  July 2021 - 0mg

March-April 2021 - vortioxetine 5-10mg (approx. 7 weeks total; CT)  -->  April 28th, 2021 - 0mg

supplements: magnesium powder (dissolved in water) as needed throughout the day; 1 tsp fish oil w/ morning meal; 2mg melatonin 

August 1, 2022 - 1 mg melatonin

 

Courage is fear that has said its prayers.  - Karle Wilson Baker

love and justice are not two. without inner change, there can be no outer change; without collective change, no change matters.  - Rev. angel Kyodo williams

Holding multiple truths. Knowing that everyone has their own accurate view of the way things are.  - text on homemade banner at Afiya house

 

I am not a medical professional; this is not medical advice. 

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Ariel, you are such a beautiful writer.  

 

Completely get victory in feeling less awful.  You are a warrior and amazing in your tenacity and strength. 

 

Praying for continued healing for you and all of us

Recent 2018 Zoloft 150mg  (20 years taking at various times, no real issues before stopping)

2019 Risperdal one month low dose (forget amount) stopped bad reaction

2019 Remeron 7.5 mg sleep  (discontinued in mid 2019) on for six months (tapered for a few weeks)

Zoloft 100 mg Summer 2020/Zoloft 75 mg Summer 2021

Zoloft 50 mg November 2021/ Zoloft 25 mg First two weeks January 2022: Reinstated 50 mgJanuary Last week)

Crash in February - on and off doses as doctors conflicted over serotonin syndrome/withdrawal - stopped all for two week & resumed:\

Other drugs tried in hospitals (Abilify, 1mg, 1 dose, Zyprexa 1 dose 1mg, Klonopin .25 4 doses in 2 hospitalizations)

March 1 titrated Zoloft up from 0 to 65 from February to Early May

Severe vision problems at 65 mg (improved depression)

Taper to 55 6/15, 45mg 7/15/ 35mg 8/1, 25mg 8/15, 10 mg, 8/31 OFF 9/2022 Omg  Improved with drops from August to September - November crash ONE dose Zoloft 3mg 11/17 - worsened symptoms - Remain off Zoloft

Mirtazapine -3.5 mg six weeks mid march to end april, occasionally for sleep

Supplements: Fish oil, magnesium, lions mane, cytokine suppress, MCT Oil

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We love you @Ariel sending you ❤️ love & 🌞 light

2021:  started celexa 10mg feb 2nd 

feb 25th took my last 10g; feb 26th 5mg; feb 27th 5mg; feb 28th 2021 cold turkey 

currently taking mag

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  • Mentor

@Ariel

Thank goodness that's over and you made it.🤗  It might feel lonely and hard to endure but you have a lot of people pulling for you. ♥️

 

https://www.survivingantidepressants.org/topic/24894-greatful-is-this-withdrawal-or-to-many-med-changes-at-once/

1995? Prozac,  tried several Paxil, Serzone, St John's Wart back to Prozac and Trazodone ct:d Traz

 Lexapro. Tried to stop Crash in 2015  Kindled   Hospitalized, Vybrid, Seroquel, Effexor, Abilify  Pristiq, Wellbutrin-- 2016  ended back on   Prozac and Lamictal 200mg

5/2020  thru 12/2020 taper from 20mg  Prozac  down to 3mg.  Crashed  12/13/2020 Zoloft 50mg 1/29ct  1/29/2021 Seroquel 50mg ct  2/12/2021 Wellbutrin 75mg.  Became hypo manic 2/1  6ct Trazodone 50mg 4/25  25mg 2/5/ 2021 Lamictal 150mg.  2/24  100mg   4/9  75mg   4/21 37.5 

2/16/2021 Seroquel 50xr  3/3 100mg  3/17  150mg  side effects ct   4/3 2021 Lexapro 5mg  4/14  7.5mg  4/30 10mg  5/10  7.5mg 

2021/ 5/16  5mg Lexapro   37.5 Lamictal   25mg trazadone,   xanax  .0625mg  3x a day   

Lexapro  Taper> Sept/01/2021  4.90mg>  Sept/25  4.75mg>   Oct/19 4.69mg > Nov/14 4.2mg    Jan/30/2022-- Split dosing 2x a day All liquid  4.2mg  (2.20mg at 8am & 2mg at 4pm) 2/17 4mg>  2/24  3.8mg  slow taper to  Aug/12/2022 2.04mg  2023> 2mg,  1.90mg, 1.80mg, 1.70mg, 1.5mg, 1.4mg, 1.3mg 1.2mg, 1.1mg, 1mg, 0.9mg, 0.8mg, 0.7mg 0.65mg, 0.6mg, 0.55mg, 0.5mg, 0.45mg, 0.4mg, 0.35mg, 0.3mg, 0.25,mg, back to once a day dosing 0 .1mg, 0.07mg

Lamictal  taper  4/17/ 2022 25mg, 9/9/ 22 -20mg, 9/25/22- 15mg , 10/20/22-   0

 Trazodone..2023.>down to 14mg, 7mg, 6mg  July 2023   0

Xanax  0.0625 3 x a day,  2023>  0.042 3x a day

Supplements  Magnesium glycinate, Omega 3, D3, vitamin c , zinc, NAC 

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@Ariel

So glad that you’re seeing some relief!

2 hours ago, Ariel said:

I've come to realize (possibly for the umpteenth time, and may very well forget again) that I'm pretty dismal at gauging whether I'm in a window or WDnormal, so I'm just not thinking about it. It seems clear enough when a wave hits (although I don't always see it coming, once I'm in it there it is), and usually becomes apparent sooner or later when it dissipates. Basically I don't have an obvious (to me) windows and waves pattern anymore, haven't for the past half year or so. It's not impossible that I've had windows which I've just been thinking of as "better days", I had a few of those in May and figured my baseline was improving. I don't know why I'm sharing this, it's pretty inconsequential to anyone other than me I suppose.

I totally get this. I used to have good windows, now I just have the occasional day where I don’t feel as miserable. I guess my new windows/waves baseline. I am thankful for those better days though, they give me hope.

 

2 hours ago, Ariel said:

Maybe one day I will see the weeds for what they are and not judge them so harshly for their impropriety. (In real life I love any tendril that rages against the tyranny of pavement.) All this to say: Thank you, wave. And f*uck you. 

I love this, and agree. I think the weeds will be more in the background to be dealt with when time and energy allows, and I don’t think they’ll feel as big. Maybe some will have withered and dried up even.

 

Thank you for your update!

 

Stay strong comrade.

 

Believer

1998-2015 Zoloft. 100mg

2015 Straight switch to Wellbutrin by GP who claimed Zoloft stopped working; I was experiencing occasional brain zaps. 3 months later Wellbutrin  XR. Highly activating. Lost ability to sleep. Seroquel x3 nights. Horrible reaction. Straight switch back to Zoloft, began taper. Found SA  after tapering 25 mgs a week to 25mgs and began experiencing W/D.

6/21/19 5.05 mg; 9/6/19 4.8 mg; 4/24/20 4.57 mg; 8/27/21 4.43 mg

9/20-9/25/21 xover to new RX from expired meds

10/22/21 4.13 mg; 11/26/21 3.93 mg; 4/15/22 3.74 mg; 6/3/22 3.54 mg; 8/5/22 3.38; 9/30/22 3.19; 11/18/22 3.03; 12/30/22 2.88; 2/17/23 2.74; 3/24/23 2.60; 5/12/23 2.47;  6/23/23 2.35; 8/11/23 2.24; 9/15/23 2.13; 10/20/23 2.02; 11/24/23 1.92; 1/12/24 1.83; 2/17/24 1.72; 3/23/24 1.64

Supplements: Natural Calm magnesium, Vitamin C Vitamin D during winter.

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@eileen1111 @Blossom71 @Escitalopram21  @DazzlingCold @Holiday  and everyone else 

 

Hi, and thank you for being part of the/my SA community. I appreciate you. Our exchanges mean a lot to me, they teach and benefit and help me so much. Thank you. I'd like to invite you to my summer solstice, peace-and-healing, love-and-gratitude, feeling-slightly-less-sh*ite thread party! Come as you are <3 

 

(full celebration text above in previous post) 

 

Cheers! (clinking non-alcoholic, not caffeinated, sugar-free, unsweetened, WD-safe beverages) 

 

Party game: SA Jeopardy (e.g. Non-Drug Coping Techniques for 800; Tapering for 600; etc.) 

1996-2018 - misc. polypharmacy, incl. SSRIs, SNRIs, neuroleptics, lithium, benzos, stimulants, antihistamines, etc. (approx. 30+ drugs)

2012-2018 - 10mg lexapro/escitalopram (20mg?)    Jan. 2018 - 10mg -> 5mg, then from 5mg -> 2.5mg, then 0mg  -->  July 2018 - 0mg

2017(?)-2020 - vyvanse/lisdexamfetamine 60-70mg    2020-2021 - 70mg down to 0mg  -->  July 2021 - 0mg

March-April 2021 - vortioxetine 5-10mg (approx. 7 weeks total; CT)  -->  April 28th, 2021 - 0mg

supplements: magnesium powder (dissolved in water) as needed throughout the day; 1 tsp fish oil w/ morning meal; 2mg melatonin 

August 1, 2022 - 1 mg melatonin

 

Courage is fear that has said its prayers.  - Karle Wilson Baker

love and justice are not two. without inner change, there can be no outer change; without collective change, no change matters.  - Rev. angel Kyodo williams

Holding multiple truths. Knowing that everyone has their own accurate view of the way things are.  - text on homemade banner at Afiya house

 

I am not a medical professional; this is not medical advice. 

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I think the essence of Surviving Antidepressants is most exemplary when a member is exceptionally struggling, and the community comes together to lift that person up.

 

I am glad you felt it, Ariel.  Glad you seem to be on the upswing.

 

Grace

  • amitriptyline from 1980-2002,
  • intermittent  use of benzos over 2 decades prior to 2002
  • 2002-2010 Klonopin 1-2 mg., ambien 10--20, mg, remeron 4 mg. and  trileptal 300 mg
  • 2011 Stopped ambien and crossed over to valium 17.5 mg. (updosing 2.5 mg. to cover ambien C/T )
  • tapered valium w/ long holds to 12.74 mg. from a high of approximately 20-30 mg/day
  • 2015-2023 tapered trileptal to 98 mg.  had to completely stop tapering due to multiple chronic, serious health issues
  • currently 2024 still on 98 mg. trileptal and 4 mg. remeron
  •   Currently on benzo hold as I have to cross-over from brand-name valium to generic diazepam.   The diazepam is way weaker and brought on severe acute w/d
  • Current dose of diazepam is 7.9 and valium is 6.6.  I had to up-dose the total valium/diazepam from 12.74 to 14.5 where I have stayed since June 2023.  I am crossing over to generic at a somewhat tolerable rate of .3mg/month after about 2 months of trial/error w/ updosing.  I am not currently tapering; will continue to cross over. 

 

Link to comment

@savinggrace

 

23 minutes ago, savinggrace said:

I think the essence of Surviving Antidepressants is most exemplary when a member is exceptionally struggling, and the community comes together to lift that person up.

 

You said it so well. Yes, it's beautiful. 

That's why I love seeing everyone's name together in one post. It's so moving and meaningful to behold the collective effort represented. So many wide-open beating hearts, not just anonymized screen profiles but real, palpable community. 

 

23 minutes ago, savinggrace said:

I am glad you felt it, Ariel.  Glad you seem to be on the upswing.

 

Thank you, Grace. I felt so enthused about being able to share a positive update and throw a gratitude party that I forgot I was supposed to be working on equanimity (and moderation and consistency). It just feels so good to be silly and play. 

 

By the way, isn't it interesting we don't talk about the potential of positive neuro-emotions? I see no reason why we might experience neuro-fear but not neuro-joy. This evening I may be feeling neuro-exuberance. People sometimes describe what they call WD "hypomania" (I don't like that term because it smacks of the psychiatric); perhaps such energized states may equally well be categorized as swells of positive neuro-emotion. Whaddaya think? Neuro-gratitude, anyone? 

 

Sending you a hug

1996-2018 - misc. polypharmacy, incl. SSRIs, SNRIs, neuroleptics, lithium, benzos, stimulants, antihistamines, etc. (approx. 30+ drugs)

2012-2018 - 10mg lexapro/escitalopram (20mg?)    Jan. 2018 - 10mg -> 5mg, then from 5mg -> 2.5mg, then 0mg  -->  July 2018 - 0mg

2017(?)-2020 - vyvanse/lisdexamfetamine 60-70mg    2020-2021 - 70mg down to 0mg  -->  July 2021 - 0mg

March-April 2021 - vortioxetine 5-10mg (approx. 7 weeks total; CT)  -->  April 28th, 2021 - 0mg

supplements: magnesium powder (dissolved in water) as needed throughout the day; 1 tsp fish oil w/ morning meal; 2mg melatonin 

August 1, 2022 - 1 mg melatonin

 

Courage is fear that has said its prayers.  - Karle Wilson Baker

love and justice are not two. without inner change, there can be no outer change; without collective change, no change matters.  - Rev. angel Kyodo williams

Holding multiple truths. Knowing that everyone has their own accurate view of the way things are.  - text on homemade banner at Afiya house

 

I am not a medical professional; this is not medical advice. 

Link to comment

Gratitude parties are good!  Having a reason to feel gratitude is something not to be ignored; it is what sustains me, though it is not always easy to access the feeling.

 

Grace

  • amitriptyline from 1980-2002,
  • intermittent  use of benzos over 2 decades prior to 2002
  • 2002-2010 Klonopin 1-2 mg., ambien 10--20, mg, remeron 4 mg. and  trileptal 300 mg
  • 2011 Stopped ambien and crossed over to valium 17.5 mg. (updosing 2.5 mg. to cover ambien C/T )
  • tapered valium w/ long holds to 12.74 mg. from a high of approximately 20-30 mg/day
  • 2015-2023 tapered trileptal to 98 mg.  had to completely stop tapering due to multiple chronic, serious health issues
  • currently 2024 still on 98 mg. trileptal and 4 mg. remeron
  •   Currently on benzo hold as I have to cross-over from brand-name valium to generic diazepam.   The diazepam is way weaker and brought on severe acute w/d
  • Current dose of diazepam is 7.9 and valium is 6.6.  I had to up-dose the total valium/diazepam from 12.74 to 14.5 where I have stayed since June 2023.  I am crossing over to generic at a somewhat tolerable rate of .3mg/month after about 2 months of trial/error w/ updosing.  I am not currently tapering; will continue to cross over. 

 

Link to comment
  • Moderator Emeritus

You’re such a fabulous writer Ariel, 

 

You should write a book about your experiences with withdrawals🧡

Been on APs, benzos, ADs and opiates, for chronic pain. Had Akathisia in the past that made me suicidal. Still on Seroquel. 2019:➡️ March10=7.25mg ✔️ April17=7.0✔️ June5=6.75✔️ July14=6.50✔️ Aug28=6.25✔️ Oct10=6.20  ✔️ Oct21=6.0✔️ Dec16=5.80 ✔️ 2020➡️ Jan 21=5.60 ✔️ April2=5.40 ✔️ May29=5.20 ✔️ Aug14= 5.0 ✔️Sep29=4.80✔️2021➡️ Jan31=4.60 mg✔️ April24=4.40mg✔️Jul17=4.30mg ✔️ Aug 28=4.20 ✔️ Oct 11=4.15✔️Nov1=4.10 ✔️ Nov21= 4.05✔️ Dec13= 4mg ✔️2022 ➡️ Jan8=3.95✔️ Jan31=3.90✔️ March2=3.85 ✔️ April4=3.80 ✔️ June16=3.75✔️ July26=3.70✔️ Sep2=3.65✔️ Oct21=3.60 ✔️ Dec8=3.55✔️2023➡️ Jan 26=3.50✔️ March 17=3.45✔️ June12=3.40✔️ July30=3.35✔️ Sep14=3.30✔️ Oct31=3.25✔️This is NOT medical advice.Consult your doctor.

Link to comment
1 hour ago, Ariel said:

I'm really sorry there aren't better options out there. I often daydream about starting some sort of holistic withdrawal center where people can come live in gentle community, in beautiful natural surroundings, and go through WD without psychiatry or drugs. Learn non-drug coping techniques together and practice patience and acceptance supported by nature and nurture. Wouldn't that be beautiful?

 

This past month it has been so rough going it alone (SA notwithstanding; you are all wonderful, it's just that I am a biological mammalian being and have an inherent need to be around other live creatures with nervous systems and faces). I have really been feeling the social isolation and alienation, marginalization. The loss of connection and community in the real world, the loss of most of my social circle (such as it was) and friendships (such as they were). Not necessarily wanting to converse or interact intensely, but really missing the presence of others, just being bodies together in shared space and time, sharing meals. 

 

Today felt similar to yesterday. Feels like the wave has passed and I'm back to WDnormal (or whatever). Have felt really sad today, grieving the loss of health, time, friendships, potential, life, myself, you name it. This is often a good sign, WD-wise, when I'm able to connect with sorrow and grief this means I'm more present and better able to be with what is. I watched a movie earlier and even managed to feel moved and cry a little (believe it or not, I miss the facility of crying that characterized the early years of WD; these days I'm back to feeling emotionally constipated, often I feel the build up and feel backed up but can't connect, no release available). 

 

I've been seeing a psychologist for the past few months. I like her. She understands WD and is herself a psychiatric survivor. I see her every few weeks. It's quite expensive, I can't afford to go more often than that, although if I could I'd be there a few times a week. I'm not really sure whether it's worth the money as I feel it's so insufficient compared to what feels like a bottomless pit of churning need inside me. An hour once every few weeks is barely enough to say hello. It's rather frustrating, to be honest. I'm grateful to have found this therapist and to be able to go at all, I'm just conflicted about the expense and cost:benefit ratio.

 

When I read or hear about people who regularly "process" their experiences/days with friends, spouses, partners, I feel so envious and bereft I could scream. Do people who have not experienced being so alone even know how lucky they are to have someone to confide in, someone who cares and shows up for them, someone with whom to co-create a safe space free of charge without paying a fortune? This loneliness and alienation inside me are a roiling reminder of the crushingly real life challenges that lie in wait beyond the confines of WD. Of course I am feeling and thinking about these things via WD brain, so who knows what is true, I don't know who I am or what I want or much of anything at all. I just know I don't want to live like this. It's unnatural and it hurts in every part of me, every day. 

1996-2018 - misc. polypharmacy, incl. SSRIs, SNRIs, neuroleptics, lithium, benzos, stimulants, antihistamines, etc. (approx. 30+ drugs)

2012-2018 - 10mg lexapro/escitalopram (20mg?)    Jan. 2018 - 10mg -> 5mg, then from 5mg -> 2.5mg, then 0mg  -->  July 2018 - 0mg

2017(?)-2020 - vyvanse/lisdexamfetamine 60-70mg    2020-2021 - 70mg down to 0mg  -->  July 2021 - 0mg

March-April 2021 - vortioxetine 5-10mg (approx. 7 weeks total; CT)  -->  April 28th, 2021 - 0mg

supplements: magnesium powder (dissolved in water) as needed throughout the day; 1 tsp fish oil w/ morning meal; 2mg melatonin 

August 1, 2022 - 1 mg melatonin

 

Courage is fear that has said its prayers.  - Karle Wilson Baker

love and justice are not two. without inner change, there can be no outer change; without collective change, no change matters.  - Rev. angel Kyodo williams

Holding multiple truths. Knowing that everyone has their own accurate view of the way things are.  - text on homemade banner at Afiya house

 

I am not a medical professional; this is not medical advice. 

Link to comment

@Ariel

Im not even going to attempt to write as elegantly as you. So, here I am in my community college verbage 🥸

I hear and acknowledge your hurt on every level. I too mourn similar losses. 
mid you ever want to messenger video I am up for it. I messenger video a few here and talk in the phone. It may not be in person but it’s still someone showing up for you. You are not alone. I hold you in my thoughts dear Ariel. 
ninabird. 

PREVIOUS

2018 Ativan 1mg Oct-Jan (CT), 2019 Effexor 75mg, Klonopin .25mg, Trazadone 75mg, Bridge to Prozac (?dose), 2020 Taper off all, 2021 Zoloft (?dose), Jan-May (CT @ Hospital), Remeron (?dose) Trazadone 75mg, Propanolol (?dose), Klonopin .50mg, Buspar (?dose),

2021 Prozac (?dose), Trazadone 75mg, Klonopin 2 times a day, 2021 August fast taper Trazadone  Prozac fast taper in August. August Lexapro 10mg

2022 January  Lexapro to 25mg, February FT to 10mg Lexapro over 6 weeks, Klonopin .25mg 2 times a day, May Effexor 35mg, June bridge from Effexor to 30mg Cymbalta. Held on Lexapro until November.

supplements  2023  Jan Probiotics stopped taking after two weeks ADR April 1k Iu Vitamin D W/ K stopped after a few days ADR. March 50mg Mag glycinate stopped after a week ADR

January 2023added an additional .25 mg Klonopin (.25 mg three times a day)

CURRENT

1/23-Present Klonopin .75mg divided into .25mg 3 times a day. 6:30am, 12:00pm, 6:30pm 

1/23Present Lexapro .101 mgpw - 8.08 mgai 8:00am

1/23-Present Estradiol .50mg 8:00am

1/23-Present 30mg Cymbalta 12:30pm

6/23 to present Holding no changes 7/4 reduced Lexapro to 7.92mg 7/31 7.84mg 8/7 7.76mg 7/14 7.60mg 10/1 7.44mg 10/28 7.36mg 2/1 7.12mg 2/14 7.04mg 3/5/24 6.88mg 3/12 6.80mg

Link to comment

 

@Ninabird

Thank you <3

I'm sorry you're hurting and mourning, too. 

Wishing you strength for what you are going through, 

May you have moments of peace, clarity, relief 

1996-2018 - misc. polypharmacy, incl. SSRIs, SNRIs, neuroleptics, lithium, benzos, stimulants, antihistamines, etc. (approx. 30+ drugs)

2012-2018 - 10mg lexapro/escitalopram (20mg?)    Jan. 2018 - 10mg -> 5mg, then from 5mg -> 2.5mg, then 0mg  -->  July 2018 - 0mg

2017(?)-2020 - vyvanse/lisdexamfetamine 60-70mg    2020-2021 - 70mg down to 0mg  -->  July 2021 - 0mg

March-April 2021 - vortioxetine 5-10mg (approx. 7 weeks total; CT)  -->  April 28th, 2021 - 0mg

supplements: magnesium powder (dissolved in water) as needed throughout the day; 1 tsp fish oil w/ morning meal; 2mg melatonin 

August 1, 2022 - 1 mg melatonin

 

Courage is fear that has said its prayers.  - Karle Wilson Baker

love and justice are not two. without inner change, there can be no outer change; without collective change, no change matters.  - Rev. angel Kyodo williams

Holding multiple truths. Knowing that everyone has their own accurate view of the way things are.  - text on homemade banner at Afiya house

 

I am not a medical professional; this is not medical advice. 

Link to comment
  • Mentor

@Ariel

what's in the air?  Crazy how we can feel so much a like but still reach out to encourage each other.

Although do you ever say  to yourself what's the point, it's the same old thing day in and day out for us.

O boy is that me or neuro emotions talking....🙄

 

I can't imagine how hard it must be to go through this alone.😓  Please thy to remember we here on SA are with you.

 

We got you Ariel

https://www.survivingantidepressants.org/topic/24894-greatful-is-this-withdrawal-or-to-many-med-changes-at-once/

1995? Prozac,  tried several Paxil, Serzone, St John's Wart back to Prozac and Trazodone ct:d Traz

 Lexapro. Tried to stop Crash in 2015  Kindled   Hospitalized, Vybrid, Seroquel, Effexor, Abilify  Pristiq, Wellbutrin-- 2016  ended back on   Prozac and Lamictal 200mg

5/2020  thru 12/2020 taper from 20mg  Prozac  down to 3mg.  Crashed  12/13/2020 Zoloft 50mg 1/29ct  1/29/2021 Seroquel 50mg ct  2/12/2021 Wellbutrin 75mg.  Became hypo manic 2/1  6ct Trazodone 50mg 4/25  25mg 2/5/ 2021 Lamictal 150mg.  2/24  100mg   4/9  75mg   4/21 37.5 

2/16/2021 Seroquel 50xr  3/3 100mg  3/17  150mg  side effects ct   4/3 2021 Lexapro 5mg  4/14  7.5mg  4/30 10mg  5/10  7.5mg 

2021/ 5/16  5mg Lexapro   37.5 Lamictal   25mg trazadone,   xanax  .0625mg  3x a day   

Lexapro  Taper> Sept/01/2021  4.90mg>  Sept/25  4.75mg>   Oct/19 4.69mg > Nov/14 4.2mg    Jan/30/2022-- Split dosing 2x a day All liquid  4.2mg  (2.20mg at 8am & 2mg at 4pm) 2/17 4mg>  2/24  3.8mg  slow taper to  Aug/12/2022 2.04mg  2023> 2mg,  1.90mg, 1.80mg, 1.70mg, 1.5mg, 1.4mg, 1.3mg 1.2mg, 1.1mg, 1mg, 0.9mg, 0.8mg, 0.7mg 0.65mg, 0.6mg, 0.55mg, 0.5mg, 0.45mg, 0.4mg, 0.35mg, 0.3mg, 0.25,mg, back to once a day dosing 0 .1mg, 0.07mg

Lamictal  taper  4/17/ 2022 25mg, 9/9/ 22 -20mg, 9/25/22- 15mg , 10/20/22-   0

 Trazodone..2023.>down to 14mg, 7mg, 6mg  July 2023   0

Xanax  0.0625 3 x a day,  2023>  0.042 3x a day

Supplements  Magnesium glycinate, Omega 3, D3, vitamin c , zinc, NAC 

Link to comment

@Arielyour honesty is touching and the psychological depths you are able to achieve here in SA will help you get the same depth of share in person when you get the chance. There will be a time you'll be able to connect in person better. For the time being you can be grateful to understand and truly value the importance of the little things in life, so many people go through life without really being grateful or even understanding the importance of a touch, a smile, having a partner, socializing. We take things for granted and don't value them enough. I believe life will get better for you, better opportunities will happen your way. Meanwhile do what you can and that maybe os not what you want but it will be enough. Sending you a big hug 🥰

2007 - 15mg olanzapine, mood stabilizer, benzo, quetiapine 2009 - aripiprazol, benzo, lamotrigine 100mg 2015 - olzp 15mg, zolpidem 2017 - trazodone 2 weeks, cold turkey, lamotrigine and zolpidem, olzp 15mg, mood stabilizer, benzo 2018 - olzp 5mg, Nov olzp 2,5mg down directly from 5mg no symptoms 2019 - olzp 2,5mg cold turkey Jan after 12 days reinstated, Nov taper cutting pills 14 days reinstated 2,5mg 2020 - failed liquid taper, reinstated 2,5mg, 2022 - liquid taper 2,5% reductions Jan, huge crisis in May up to 30mg, tapered, reached 2,5mg in Set - decided to stop tapering and remain at 2,5mg olanzapine indefinetely.

 

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15 minutes ago, Greatful said:

@Ariel

what's in the air?  Crazy how we can feel so much a like but still reach out to encourage each other.

 

Although do you ever say  to yourself what's the point, it's the same old thing day in and day out for us.

O boy is that me or neuro emotions talking....🙄

 

 

I think that is probably one of the most universal feelings,  if we just had an end date.....

 

Hugs

 

Recent 2018 Zoloft 150mg  (20 years taking at various times, no real issues before stopping)

2019 Risperdal one month low dose (forget amount) stopped bad reaction

2019 Remeron 7.5 mg sleep  (discontinued in mid 2019) on for six months (tapered for a few weeks)

Zoloft 100 mg Summer 2020/Zoloft 75 mg Summer 2021

Zoloft 50 mg November 2021/ Zoloft 25 mg First two weeks January 2022: Reinstated 50 mgJanuary Last week)

Crash in February - on and off doses as doctors conflicted over serotonin syndrome/withdrawal - stopped all for two week & resumed:\

Other drugs tried in hospitals (Abilify, 1mg, 1 dose, Zyprexa 1 dose 1mg, Klonopin .25 4 doses in 2 hospitalizations)

March 1 titrated Zoloft up from 0 to 65 from February to Early May

Severe vision problems at 65 mg (improved depression)

Taper to 55 6/15, 45mg 7/15/ 35mg 8/1, 25mg 8/15, 10 mg, 8/31 OFF 9/2022 Omg  Improved with drops from August to September - November crash ONE dose Zoloft 3mg 11/17 - worsened symptoms - Remain off Zoloft

Mirtazapine -3.5 mg six weeks mid march to end april, occasionally for sleep

Supplements: Fish oil, magnesium, lions mane, cytokine suppress, MCT Oil

Link to comment

Ariel...

 

I'm so sorry you don't have in person supports.  Virtual connection helps but it's not the same.  Is there a phone exchange for members? 

 

Sending you much love

Recent 2018 Zoloft 150mg  (20 years taking at various times, no real issues before stopping)

2019 Risperdal one month low dose (forget amount) stopped bad reaction

2019 Remeron 7.5 mg sleep  (discontinued in mid 2019) on for six months (tapered for a few weeks)

Zoloft 100 mg Summer 2020/Zoloft 75 mg Summer 2021

Zoloft 50 mg November 2021/ Zoloft 25 mg First two weeks January 2022: Reinstated 50 mgJanuary Last week)

Crash in February - on and off doses as doctors conflicted over serotonin syndrome/withdrawal - stopped all for two week & resumed:\

Other drugs tried in hospitals (Abilify, 1mg, 1 dose, Zyprexa 1 dose 1mg, Klonopin .25 4 doses in 2 hospitalizations)

March 1 titrated Zoloft up from 0 to 65 from February to Early May

Severe vision problems at 65 mg (improved depression)

Taper to 55 6/15, 45mg 7/15/ 35mg 8/1, 25mg 8/15, 10 mg, 8/31 OFF 9/2022 Omg  Improved with drops from August to September - November crash ONE dose Zoloft 3mg 11/17 - worsened symptoms - Remain off Zoloft

Mirtazapine -3.5 mg six weeks mid march to end april, occasionally for sleep

Supplements: Fish oil, magnesium, lions mane, cytokine suppress, MCT Oil

Link to comment
  • Moderator Emeritus

I’m so sad to hear you don’t have any in person supports Ariel, you’re such a lovely person. 
 

Are you hoping to make some friends in real life? Do you go out and try and meet people, maybe in a group of a shared interest? Are you finding it too hard to get to know new people because of withdrawals and your nervous system being shot, or are you trying to avoid situations due to Covid?

 

I’m sure if people got to know you they would love you, you’re such a sweetie pie. So many people on this site really appreciate you and your kind heart. 

 

Again, I have to say you write so beautifully, you should be an author.

 

Sending hugs your way🤗

Been on APs, benzos, ADs and opiates, for chronic pain. Had Akathisia in the past that made me suicidal. Still on Seroquel. 2019:➡️ March10=7.25mg ✔️ April17=7.0✔️ June5=6.75✔️ July14=6.50✔️ Aug28=6.25✔️ Oct10=6.20  ✔️ Oct21=6.0✔️ Dec16=5.80 ✔️ 2020➡️ Jan 21=5.60 ✔️ April2=5.40 ✔️ May29=5.20 ✔️ Aug14= 5.0 ✔️Sep29=4.80✔️2021➡️ Jan31=4.60 mg✔️ April24=4.40mg✔️Jul17=4.30mg ✔️ Aug 28=4.20 ✔️ Oct 11=4.15✔️Nov1=4.10 ✔️ Nov21= 4.05✔️ Dec13= 4mg ✔️2022 ➡️ Jan8=3.95✔️ Jan31=3.90✔️ March2=3.85 ✔️ April4=3.80 ✔️ June16=3.75✔️ July26=3.70✔️ Sep2=3.65✔️ Oct21=3.60 ✔️ Dec8=3.55✔️2023➡️ Jan 26=3.50✔️ March 17=3.45✔️ June12=3.40✔️ July30=3.35✔️ Sep14=3.30✔️ Oct31=3.25✔️This is NOT medical advice.Consult your doctor.

Link to comment
On 6/21/2022 at 2:31 PM, Ariel said:

@eileen1111 @Blossom71 @Escitalopram21  @DazzlingCold @Holiday  and everyone else 

 

Hi, and thank you for being part of the/my SA community. I appreciate you. Our exchanges mean a lot to me, they teach and benefit and help me so much. Thank you. I'd like to invite you to my summer solstice, peace-and-healing, love-and-gratitude, feeling-slightly-less-sh*ite thread party! Come as you are ❤️

 

(full celebration text above in previous post) 

 

Cheers! (clinking non-alcoholic, not caffeinated, sugar-free, unsweetened, WD-safe beverages) 

 

Party game: SA Jeopardy (e.g. Non-Drug Coping Techniques for 800; Tapering for 600; etc.) 

I love this 🙌🏼🎉 and I love the beverage commonly referred to as water

2007-Prozac then off replaced with Zoloft 

2008- Off Zoloft replaced with Fluvoxamine 

2008-2009 50mg Fluvoxamine 

2009-2020 150mg Fluvoxamine 

2013-14 addition of Lexapro and Zyprexa

2015 back to only Fluvoxamine 

2019-2021 additional 150mg Wellbutrin 

2020-present taper off Fluvoxamine and Wellbutrin 

2022 - mid-February - last dose 25 mg Wellbutrin

July 2021 25 (12.5 twice a day) mg Fluvoxamine hold

switch to compounded XR 12.5 mg Fluvoxamine capsules twice a day mid July 2022

Magnesium, Fish Oil, microdose CBD 

Link to comment
2 hours ago, Carmie said:

I’m so sad to hear you don’t have any in person supports Ariel, you’re such a lovely person. 
 

Are you hoping to make some friends in real life? Do you go out and try and meet people, maybe in a group of a shared interest? Are you finding it too hard to get to know new people because of withdrawals and your nervous system being shot, or are you trying to avoid situations due to Covid?

 

I’m sure if people got to know you they would love you, you’re such a sweetie pie. So many people on this site really appreciate you and your kind heart. 

 

Again, I have to say you write so beautifully, you should be an author.

 

Sending hugs your way🤗

I second this

2007-Prozac then off replaced with Zoloft 

2008- Off Zoloft replaced with Fluvoxamine 

2008-2009 50mg Fluvoxamine 

2009-2020 150mg Fluvoxamine 

2013-14 addition of Lexapro and Zyprexa

2015 back to only Fluvoxamine 

2019-2021 additional 150mg Wellbutrin 

2020-present taper off Fluvoxamine and Wellbutrin 

2022 - mid-February - last dose 25 mg Wellbutrin

July 2021 25 (12.5 twice a day) mg Fluvoxamine hold

switch to compounded XR 12.5 mg Fluvoxamine capsules twice a day mid July 2022

Magnesium, Fish Oil, microdose CBD 

Link to comment

@Ariel

did I miss the summer solstice jeopardy? That was a great idea.

You are such an uplifter and supporter here. I do feel you about the face to face support as I can relate to being so lonely at one point, and still comes and goes. I hope this gets better for you.

Glad you had a window and I agree with those mentioning how well you write. It, really, is elegant! 
Hugs for you my friend.

2002-2021: 19 yrs on/off psychotropics

2/2022: Wellbutrin 150mg, Lexapro 20mg  3/22: Wellbutrin 150mg xl, Lexapro 10mg    4/22: Wellbutrin 150xl, Lexapro 5mg 

4/2022: Lexa 7.5mg total, Wellbutrin 150mg    5/2022: Wellb 112.5mg xl, Lexa 7.5mg (Stopped Clonazepam & Hydroxyzine- didn't take often)

6/2022: Welbutrin 111mg xl, Lexa 6.8mg          8/2022: Wellbutrin 100mg xl, Lexa 6.8mg            10/9/22: Wellbutrin 100 mg IR, Lexa 6.5 mg

11/3/22: Wellbutrin 96 mg IR, Lexa 6.5 mg       11/30/22: Wellbutrin 96 mg IR, Lexa 6 mg

3/15/23: Wellbutrin 96 mg IR, Lexa 6.2 mg???

Other Daily Meds: Singulair 10mg, Zyrtec 10mg, Spiriva Respimat inhaler.  Rarely taking: OTC pain relievers, Diclofenac, Cyclobenzaprine, anti acids

SupplementsFish oil 1300mg, Nigella oil, Mag Glycinate 200mg, Probiotics 30 billion, 1/5 dose prenatals, Melatonin .38mg, (Reishi, Lion's Mane & psilocybin microdosing by cycles)

 

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ChessieCat,

 

May I ask, in regards to making the transition to keto/low carb, are there specific apps, books, or other tools you've found helpful in calculating macros, calories, and meal planning in general? 

 

Hope the virus is cleared and you're feeling better. 

 

 

1996-2018 - misc. polypharmacy, incl. SSRIs, SNRIs, neuroleptics, lithium, benzos, stimulants, antihistamines, etc. (approx. 30+ drugs)

2012-2018 - 10mg lexapro/escitalopram (20mg?)    Jan. 2018 - 10mg -> 5mg, then from 5mg -> 2.5mg, then 0mg  -->  July 2018 - 0mg

2017(?)-2020 - vyvanse/lisdexamfetamine 60-70mg    2020-2021 - 70mg down to 0mg  -->  July 2021 - 0mg

March-April 2021 - vortioxetine 5-10mg (approx. 7 weeks total; CT)  -->  April 28th, 2021 - 0mg

supplements: magnesium powder (dissolved in water) as needed throughout the day; 1 tsp fish oil w/ morning meal; 2mg melatonin 

August 1, 2022 - 1 mg melatonin

 

Courage is fear that has said its prayers.  - Karle Wilson Baker

love and justice are not two. without inner change, there can be no outer change; without collective change, no change matters.  - Rev. angel Kyodo williams

Holding multiple truths. Knowing that everyone has their own accurate view of the way things are.  - text on homemade banner at Afiya house

 

I am not a medical professional; this is not medical advice. 

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  • Moderator Emeritus
On 6/22/2022 at 10:43 PM, Ariel said:

This past month it has been so rough going it alone (SA notwithstanding; you are all wonderful, it's just that I am a biological mammalian being and have an inherent need to be around other live creatures with nervous systems and faces).

You may be sick of everyone saying how accurately you describe our thoughts and torments during this process... but boy, do you hit the nail on the head every time!

I think I can say that everyone here will recognize themselves in your words.

 

Sometimes I find myself wanting to buy a massage in an institute, just to feel a connection with another human being.
I don't do it, for many reasons.
But I also miss the connection with others, "in shared space and time". 

 

I don't know what to say, except that I believe these moments will come back. I hold on to all those who say how healing has allowed them to serenely rebuild a social circle, new friendships that match the person they have become, to offer another presence.

<3 

2006 : 20mg Paxil+Bromazepam. 2008 : cold turkey of both. 2010 : Reinstatement 20mg Paxil + Bromazepam.

2014-June2017 : Switch from Bromazepam to Prazepam, slow taper to 0mg.

2018 to August 2019 : Paxil 20mg taper (3% every 15 days). 22 Aug 2019 updose to 10mg (was at 8.4mg).

25th Sept 2019 To April 2020 : found SA, holding at 10mg Paxil. 

April 2020 : Paxil 10mg to Prozac 7mg bridge. Details topic/21457

 

Current Supplements : magnesium citrate + fish oil

Current medication :

* 7pm Diazepam  : 0.85mg (15 Aug 2022) / 0.95 mg (24 April 2022) / 1mg Diazepam (since 29 Aug 2020)

* 8am Prozac : 6.16mg (25 oct 2022, feel awful, slight updose) / 6.08 mg (9 oct 2022) / 6.24mg (11 July 22) / 6.44mg (22 May 22) / 6.64mg (4 Nov 21) / 6.72mg (8 oct 21) / 6.8 mg (15 Sept 21)6.88mg (14 Aug 21)/ 6.92mg (23 Jun 21)

 

I am not a professional, I don't give medical advice. Discuss any decisions about your medical care with a knowledgeable medical practitioner.

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Barely slept last night. Managed two shifts, one from about 12:30am till 2am, then again from 5-6am or so. This morning feeling dizzy, woozy. 

 

First shift included nightmares of being stalked and threatened by a (human-form) villain named Escitalopram (!). Ridiculous, but while dreaming it felt very real and scary.

 

Second shift nightmare related to a particularly painful friend break-up. This friend, whom I once considered to be among my closest, dumped me four years ago. WD brain makes it feel like yesterday and routinely serves me nightmares about this person. They still live in my neighborhood. I try not to think about it, but the nightmares remind me. When I don't have the nightmares it's not on my mind as much (obviously). 

 

One of the things that made the experience of this friend dumping me so intense and impactful is that we were in a friend group together. She was/is the alpha. We had a friendship independently of the group, too; and she was the one from the group I saw most often just the two of us. She didn't have kids, maybe my only friend that didn't, which made it special as well. It was an important friendship in my life, as was the friend group. I didn't see the break-up coming. There were issues along the way and friction once in a while, we were very different, but it was within normal range (as far as what I was used to). It was by no means a perfect relationship but I completely didn't expect the total cutting off of contact from one day to the next (holding space for her experience; I experienced the change as sudden but of course it may have been growing within her for a long time). We'd been close friends for almost 15 years at that point. And I'm not imagining the closeness, she'd explicitly told me as much herself on numerous occasions. 

 

All at once I lost her and the friend group that had existed for an equally long time. I mean, I didn't officially lose the friend group, but because she's the alpha it was clear that they would never meet without her. I tried talking with her about it after the dump, just to try to negotiate whether we could maybe alternate participating in group hangs now that she no longer wanted to see me or have anything to do with me (it was worth a shot to work out a sort of custody arrangement). She was just like, "I don't care if you're there, whatever," and did not cede or compromise. Well I did (and do) care if she's there when we meet as a group; especially because the group dynamic revolves around her (for better and for worse); I have the lowest social status in the group so my time with them has always been somewhat fraught and tenuous anyway (not enough to make it unpleasant, I love them very much, but the tension is just there). She severed ties with me and said some pretty mean things while she was at it, judging me harshly and even mocking me, and I really want nothing to do with her anymore. I don't feel safe at all and don't want to expose myself to unkindness or ridicule or condescension or pity. 

 

In May I ran into one of the guys from the group. It was so nice to see his face, I hadn't seen him for about four and a half years (the break-up with alpha was a little over four years ago). We spent about half an hour chatting and catching up, I really enjoyed our interaction. Towards the end I asked him whether they still met up regularly as a group. I could see the question made him uncomfortable. I know that it's not considered socially polite to confront such things but I can't stand it when everyone's pretending that things are normal when they're not. I wasn't angry or upset about it, I asked in a very even, calm way. I just said point blank that I was wondering because I no longer heard from anyone anymore and hadn't been invited to anything for ages (pandemic notwithstanding), received no group messages, and didn't get responses when I reached out to people individually. So I had a hunch they were meeting up and I was just off the contact list. Credit goes to him for being honest, he said they do meet up once in a while. He didn't say anything about why I'm no longer welcome (this is a small group, by the way; there were six of us, incl. me, now there are five of them; just to say it's not like one can blend in and blend out entirely unnoticed).

 

I told him that I'd love to see everyone and it would be great to meet up, that it just has to be the five of us without alpha since she cut off ties with me. He got more and more uncomfortable, it was kind of funny. Again, I know that my being open about the situation with her is not considered socially acceptable, I know I'm supposed to just pretend like everything's fine and normal and yeah, sure, see you around; but I hate games like that. Why? Why are people so socially afraid and insecure that they have to tiptoe around the facts of things when the facts are clearly in play? It's bullsh*t. The fact of the matter is she dumped me and cut ties, and we all know each other, and I miss the group but don't want to see her and thereby subject myself to being a) ignored by her all evening; b) treated with fake friendliness (or worse, such as passive-aggressive barbs) by her when she's made it clear how little she actually thinks of me, especially since she's the alpha and sets the tone, and if she makes a joke at someone else's expense, chances are the group laughs and follows suit. Of course I didn't go into my feelings about it, I'm not in middle school gossiping, and I wasn't asking for his involvement in the situation; nor am I judging her (she has every right to cut me off and do what's right for her in her life; I don't presume to know what she was going through). I just think it's perfectly fair to lay out how things are and suggest a practical solution for how to mitigate the rift (obviously a solution to my problem, which is that I don't see the group anymore; but again, not assuming that this is a problem for anyone else, indeed it doesn't seem to be). I don't have the energy or aptitude for lying and playing games, and I don't see the potential benefit of it, either. What would there be to gain by pretending? It would make me feel like sh*t. 

 

Anyway, he was visibly uncomfortable and didn't know what to say. It seemed he felt put on the spot, which was not at all my intention, so I offered something like, "I'm not saying this to involve you or open the matter to discussion; it's just how it is. I'd love to see you and the other guys, and maybe we could get together the five of us sometime." (I have no idea what alpha has said or not said in the group, and it doesn't matter, I'm not inquiring into that.) He shifted his weight from one foot to the other and said he had to get going, mumbling something along the lines of, "Well given the situation I guess it would be best to just meet up one on one or something, maybe grab a coffee sometime," in essence communicating that gathering the group without alpha was not going to happen. I let it go. It's been this way for more than four years, i'm used to it by now. I know that neither he nor the others will reach out or return my calls, I know we're not going to grab coffee like we once did, we're not going to get together for dinner like we used to several times a year. 

 

It made me happy to see his face and hear how he's doing. That was the valuable part of our running into each other in the street. I love him and care about him and wish him well. I know his kids, his ex-wife, his wife, I was at their wedding, I know a lot of his friends (used to know). It was really nice to have an update. He's a sweet guy, warm-hearted and honest and good, and I'm glad we were friends. I could tell that he's relatively fond of me even though it was clear he no longer saw me as being part of his life. There was no malice or unkindness, just a kind of non-committal friendliness; to him I'm in the category of vague, detached anecdotal interest; on the spectrum of caring, a little off to the positive side of center, not indifferent and also not engaged. It's okay, it's safe enough. At least he's not mean or judgmental or unpleasant. I'm just not on his radar. 

 

Even though I know that my choice to directly address the decisive conflict between alpha and me and its consequences would be considered a faux pas by most, and even though part of me found my choice embarrassing ( argh, why can't I ever just be cool?! ), I felt somehow that I'd done right by myself by being honest and forthright. I'd only stated the facts and suggested a solution, and I clearly expressed my desire to get together and see people. I felt vindicated when he admitted that they had been getting together without me, as it was really nice to know that my gut feeling was correct and it wasn't just WD paranoia; and I also felt good knowing that I'd made my interest and position clear. Sure it was mildly uncomfortable for a moment, but we're both adults and the truth is nothing to be afraid of. I'd a thousand times rather deal with a few fleeting awkward moments that go around and carry some secret burden alone and speculate. Yuck, I hate that so much. Better to just ask. 

 

So yeah. Early this morning yet another round of nightmares about this ex-friend. I'm curious to see whether these nightmares will go away when WD passes or whether they'll stick around. I figure if they're still there after WD I could consider doing some trauma processing work around the experience. Since the whole thing happened while I was in WD, there's a chance it got stuck in my body while I was already in a very raw, vulnerable, everything's-traumatic-right-now state (oof, those early years were *hard*; thank goodness it's not quite like that anymore), and maybe it will eventually fade organically along with WD. What a cliffhanger. 

 

1996-2018 - misc. polypharmacy, incl. SSRIs, SNRIs, neuroleptics, lithium, benzos, stimulants, antihistamines, etc. (approx. 30+ drugs)

2012-2018 - 10mg lexapro/escitalopram (20mg?)    Jan. 2018 - 10mg -> 5mg, then from 5mg -> 2.5mg, then 0mg  -->  July 2018 - 0mg

2017(?)-2020 - vyvanse/lisdexamfetamine 60-70mg    2020-2021 - 70mg down to 0mg  -->  July 2021 - 0mg

March-April 2021 - vortioxetine 5-10mg (approx. 7 weeks total; CT)  -->  April 28th, 2021 - 0mg

supplements: magnesium powder (dissolved in water) as needed throughout the day; 1 tsp fish oil w/ morning meal; 2mg melatonin 

August 1, 2022 - 1 mg melatonin

 

Courage is fear that has said its prayers.  - Karle Wilson Baker

love and justice are not two. without inner change, there can be no outer change; without collective change, no change matters.  - Rev. angel Kyodo williams

Holding multiple truths. Knowing that everyone has their own accurate view of the way things are.  - text on homemade banner at Afiya house

 

I am not a medical professional; this is not medical advice. 

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@Erell

Thank you so much for your message. It's lovely to read you. 

You posted while I was occupied writing a long spiel about social challenges, so your words are quite timely, and welcome. 

I like to believe that people of your caliber are in my future, and of course, as soon as I think that, it's wonderful to remind myself that people of your caliber are actually in my present, because here you are. Thank you. 

I think maybe in the meantime you've posted in your thread, I'll pop over to check for your update.

1996-2018 - misc. polypharmacy, incl. SSRIs, SNRIs, neuroleptics, lithium, benzos, stimulants, antihistamines, etc. (approx. 30+ drugs)

2012-2018 - 10mg lexapro/escitalopram (20mg?)    Jan. 2018 - 10mg -> 5mg, then from 5mg -> 2.5mg, then 0mg  -->  July 2018 - 0mg

2017(?)-2020 - vyvanse/lisdexamfetamine 60-70mg    2020-2021 - 70mg down to 0mg  -->  July 2021 - 0mg

March-April 2021 - vortioxetine 5-10mg (approx. 7 weeks total; CT)  -->  April 28th, 2021 - 0mg

supplements: magnesium powder (dissolved in water) as needed throughout the day; 1 tsp fish oil w/ morning meal; 2mg melatonin 

August 1, 2022 - 1 mg melatonin

 

Courage is fear that has said its prayers.  - Karle Wilson Baker

love and justice are not two. without inner change, there can be no outer change; without collective change, no change matters.  - Rev. angel Kyodo williams

Holding multiple truths. Knowing that everyone has their own accurate view of the way things are.  - text on homemade banner at Afiya house

 

I am not a medical professional; this is not medical advice. 

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@Ariel

 

I read your previous post about longing for in person human companionship late last night and just read your more recent post now.  What a horrible situation.

 

I am afraid that I can very much relate to what happened to you - something very similar happened to me, not just once but twice back in the years 2014 - 2015 with two separate groups of people.   The second time it happened I was so winded that I gave up completely trying to connect socially outside my family circle for several years and focused on my family circle which you can see from my thread was also a recipe for disaster. 

 

All I can offer you is empathy.  There is nothing so painful for a human as to be rejected by their social circle or a social circle.  I hate to say it but I am going to say it - many people are so bloody horrible.  You have very little power - this person by the very word you use to describe her - 'alpha' - has power and all her little sheep that you say you loved revolve around her.  I don't know the ins and outs of the situation but clearly something, to use a colloquialism, pissed her off badly.  You were friends a long time; fifteen years is a very long time.  Something happened in that dynamic that made her want to exclude you - the awful thing is from reading your post is that you don't seem to know what it was and it seems that you will never know.  It's awful to live in the aftermath of a seemingly close relationship ending badly after a long time because the question that is in one's mind is 'why, why why?'  'Why did this happen?'  'Can it be repaired?'  'I love this person or want to be connected to this person and the wider group of people'.  It's not surprising you had a nightmare having met a former friend who is still connected to this group who did the usual social denial thing.  I have been there on a few occasions.  It's awful.

 

Since I got the ASD diagnosis I read a lot and apparently it is common for neurotypicals to have a language that autistic people just don't have - I am not saying that you are on the spectrum.  I don't even know if I believe in that myself but there is amongst most people a kind of invisible power dynamic, a horrible pecking order of social preferment.  And I wrote I think a few days ago on my own thread - people generally get tired very quickly of neediness or distress.  Maybe, and I am not saying this happened, she got tired of what you were going through with the withdrawal and disconnected...I don't know. 

 

I do know from looking online about 'friendship' that there are many blogs or websites that categorise people who are needy and distressed as 'toxic' and write paragraphs such as 'if this 'friend' is making you feel down, you need to think of your own emotional boundaries and limit your contact or disconnect from this 'friend'".  It really is unbelievable what is out there on the internet about so called friendship.  I am not saying that this is what happened, just trying to surmise.  I think if one has an explanation it makes one feel better.  Sometimes there is no explanation other than people like to have an 'omega' to bully or exclude; if they are not the omega they are safe - again not saying this happened but I have seen that so many times in group dynamics over the years even from so called 'nice' people.  

 

The only thing that you can take heart from I think is the outpouring of affection and admiration for you from the many members on this site who have benefited from your wise , compassionate and beautifully expressed words. 

 

I know all about what it's like to feel about isolated because I am very similar to you and won't go into it here but I have had very similar experiences - it's the most horrible feeling.  You feel like a bad person - what was it about me that made them cut me off? 

 

Well from where I stand you Ariel are not a bad person.  In fact I often think in this world if one was a bad person one would probably be surrounded with 'friends'.  People admire and want to befriend 'alpha's - tough people who are 'leader's, women who 'look' the 'right' way, who are 'cool', who know the 'right' people. 

 

I do think that some people are born with enormous 'charm'; they have the ability to make people feel good - sociopaths in particular are very good at manipulating people with charm.  I have seen it at first hand.  Some people are born with charisma -  beautiful animals - and they attract people to them.  There is that too.  I think people are very influenced by appearances. 

 

And I do think that if people are sad or withdrawn or 'temperamental' be that because of withdrawal or past trauma - a lot of people walk away - because they have their own s*** to deal with and don't want to deal with anyone elses.  I saw my entire friend circle dwindle away when I went through the psychiatric system in my 20's.  I never felt the same about people after that to be honest. 

 

But as you write in your first post, as mammals - we are wired for connection.  That's why I get so much from my cats.  When I feel really lonely I go out and stroke my cats; they purr and rub against me and I know that at least there is a creature that loves me.  Obviously it would be nicer to have a bunch of 'friend's or even one or two people that wanted to hang out with me but that for various reasons is not my reality at the moment and to be honest in my own case, may never be.

 

I don't think however that it's the case with yourself - you are too empathetic, you clearly have great people skills.  I think it's just that when you went through withdrawal you came to be regarded as 'difficult'. Again I don't know - I am just surmising.  I think that as I said before you need to try and connect again - easier said than done I know.  It's sad to let go of years invested in relationships and it's sad to have to pick yourself up again but I don't know of any other option...I think for the moment you just have to work on letting these people go emotionally.  I think once you've done that, you'll feel a lot better.  It will probably take a while.

 

Oaktree

Currently tapering Mirtazapine; previously tapered Cymbalta 30mg from June 2018-Feb 2019 and Seroquel 150mg to zero from Oct-December 2020.

Supplements for Hashimoto's disease and histamine issues relating to Mirtazapine:   Vitamin D3 1,000mcg, bio-identical HRT, Selenium, Quercetin, Lutein, Zinc, Vitamin C, Omega 3.

Mirtazapine Taper: 2021 16th Aug -  transitioned to liquid from tablet by dissolving two 15mg tablets into a solution of 15 ml water and 15 ml maple syrup on a starting dose of what I thought was 7.5ml; 17 Sept  - 7.31; 24 Sept  - 7.13; 15 Oct  - 6.95; 6 Nov  - 6.78; 21 Nov  - 6.61; 5 Dec  - 6.51;

2022 - 1 Jan 6.41; 1 Feb  - 6.1; 9 Mar -  5.8; 13 Mar - 5.9; 7 Apr - 5.8; 21 Apr - 5.7; 7 May - 5.63; 23 May - 5.55; 8 June 5.50;  (got COVID on 12th June so held); 1 July 5.4; 15 July 5.32; 8 Aug 5.2; 15 Aug 5.1; 22 Aug 5; 19 Sept 4.9; 2 Oct 4.81; 13 Oct 4.71; (COVID Booster 17/10/22 so longer hold ); 1 Nov 4.65; 3 Nov 4.60; 10 Nov 4.55; 13 Nov 4.50; 17 Nov 4.45; 20 Nov 4.40;  2 Dec 4.30mg; 9 Dec 4.20mg; I discovered that the volumetric container measured 33ml rather than 30ml in Dec 2022. Following helpful advice from moderator OnMyWay (see her  reply of the 5th March) discovered taper with the dilution was 3.8mg (calculated by dividing 30/33 so that every 1ml of solution has  0.90ml of Mirtazapine.  7.50 - 0.90= 6.6ml which was the starting dose on 16th Aug 2021 not 7.5ml).  I decided to keep using the solution as I didn't want more change to deal with than I had to.

2023 17 Mar 4.1(3.7); 26 Mar 4.0(3.6); 14 Apr 3.9(3.51)28 Apr 3.8(3.42); 6 Jun 3.7(3.33); 19 Jun 3.6(3.24); 30 Jun 3.5(3.1); 19 Jul 3.4(3.06); 27 Jul 3.35 (3.01); 29 Jul 3.3 (2.97); 4 Aug 3.25 (2.92); 7 Aug 3.2 (2.88); 21 Aug 3.1 (2.79); 14.09 3 (2.7); 29th Sept 2.9(2.61); 15 Oct 2.8(2.52); 30 Oct 10 2.7(2.43); 13 Nov 2.65(2.38); 20 Nov 2.6(2.34); 26 Nov 2.55(2.29); 10 Dec 2.5(2.25); 

2024 - 14 Jan 2.45(2.20); 22 Jan 2.40(2.16); 29 Jan 2.35(2.11); 2 Feb 2.3 (2.07);15 Feb 2.25(2.02); 22 Feb 2.21 (1.98); 29 Feb 2.17(1.95); 7 Mar 2.13(1.91); 21 Mar 2.05 (1.84);

 

This is not 'medical advice' - my 'non medical advice' is don't get any more 'medical advice' or you may end up getting more 'medical treatment' i.e more drugs, DSM labels and/or ECT.   Please do not PM me thanks.

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@Oaktree1

Thank you so much for your kind and supportive post. 

You are such a good reader, do you know this about yourself? Very attentive and attuned. I appreciate this about you, among your many other attractive qualities. 

 

How are you feeling today? (no pressure to reply if you're too tired or otherwise indisposed, I am just expressing interest and care) 

 

1 hour ago, Oaktree1 said:

 

Since I got the ASD diagnosis I read a lot and apparently it is common for neurotypicals to have a language that autistic people just don't have - I am not saying that you are on the spectrum.  I don't even know if I believe in that myself but there is amongst most people a kind of invisible power dynamic, a horrible pecking order of social preferment. 

 

I am quite curious about this, I must say. I've noticed you mention it in your topic more than once. I don't know much about autism at all, it's one of the few diagnoses I have not received during my psychiatric tenure. Perhaps I should have done? (Only partially joking.) 

 

I am not soliciting any additional labeling or diagnosing. Fortunately or unfortunately I am too disillusioned at this point to feel that a diagnosis would be helpful. I find those categories so arbitrary as to be absurd. As I write this I feel a faint wistfulness for the time when I still held out a kind of wishful-thinking hope that if only I found the right diagnosis, it would function like a key to magically unlock me. Spoiler alert: No such luck. 

 

I'm curious about what it has meant to you to receive an ASD diagnosis. Has it changed anything for you, and if so, how? If you don't feel like going there I completely understand, I do not mean to pry. If you do have reflections on it and feel like sharing at some point when you have the energy, I'd love to hear about your experience. 

 

There's an Australian (Tasmanian) comedian, writer, performer named Hannah Gadsby, are you familiar with her work? She's quite brilliant. Gadsby has written and spoken about how receiving an ASD diagnosis relatively late in life changed things for her. It was liberating to receive and gave her a feeling of, Oh wow, well that explains a lot!

(Incidentally, Gadsby is excellent at railing against the patriarchy and the establishment in countless ways; yet it seems she has yet to arrive at comprehensive criticism of psychiatry, at least not publicly; this seems like a wasted opportunity, as the topic could certainly benefit from her intelligence. I hope she gets there one day (or if the material is already out there, I can't wait to find it!).)

 

As for the power dynamics and pecking orders of social relationships, those are, in my experience, very real. Often subconscious and involuntary, sometimes overt and coerced, deliberate. Whether or not they are examined, whether or not the participants are aware, there can be ongoing exploitative power exchanges taking place for years, as well as other unhealthy or toxic patterns. Sometimes these are static and fixed between people, sometimes they fluctuate, where people take on certain roles in relation to one another, then switch. Sometimes it's glaringly obvious, sometimes more subtle. This is all going on all the time, I'm convinced it's an inborn animal thing. I wonder whether sociopathy and psychopathy (there I go with the labels, excuse me please) can be said to occur in non-human animals, seems to me like it's a human thing. But other than that human mammals are just as hierarchical as wolves, lions, bees, etc. albeit in our own way. 

 

Are you saying in your post that people with the label autism, or neuro-atypical people, or whichever term is preferable, do not register or recognize the dynamics at play? Or that they maybe see the dynamics but do not participate? 

 

Something that has always bothered me since I was a child is that I do sense that there are these unwritten rules, and I often find them unfair, stupid, and illogical -- and when I point them out I am given the message to shut up. The maddening thing, more that the rules are there, is that people seem intent on denying that the rules exist, they deny the pecking order even as they participate in it. This is apparently one of the rules. The first rule of Fight Club is we do not talk about Fight Club. (Have you seen that movie? It's a good one. Although trigger warning, lots of violence and may not be WD-safe for people.)

 

So for me, my whistleblower inner child -- like the child in The Emperor's New Clothes, who points out that the emperor is naked -- has difficulty navigating this incongruence. In the fairy tale, when the child speaks up, their father backs them up and eventually all the villagers chime in and agree. In reality the one who speaks up is often left out in the cold, ostracized or punished one way or another; and everyone carries on as usual. I am dramatizing, exaggerating, generalizing, of course; although I have had many experiences of this. I find it very difficult to know what to do in these situations, because I can't stomach lying/pretending. Sometimes this makes social scenarios feel doomed, like it's only a matter of time before I spot something that's off, and then from that moment on I will have to either speak up and face the consequences or quit without saying anything. 

 

Anyway, I realize this is all rather vague and abstract. Sorry, Oaktree. I am getting off track. 

I really just meant to thank you with all my heart for your extraordinary empathy and prose.

Thank you for your kindness and support. The format may be virtual but I receive your words in a very real, embodied way.

 

With love and gratitude, wishing you peace, healing, serenity, connection,

A.  

 

1996-2018 - misc. polypharmacy, incl. SSRIs, SNRIs, neuroleptics, lithium, benzos, stimulants, antihistamines, etc. (approx. 30+ drugs)

2012-2018 - 10mg lexapro/escitalopram (20mg?)    Jan. 2018 - 10mg -> 5mg, then from 5mg -> 2.5mg, then 0mg  -->  July 2018 - 0mg

2017(?)-2020 - vyvanse/lisdexamfetamine 60-70mg    2020-2021 - 70mg down to 0mg  -->  July 2021 - 0mg

March-April 2021 - vortioxetine 5-10mg (approx. 7 weeks total; CT)  -->  April 28th, 2021 - 0mg

supplements: magnesium powder (dissolved in water) as needed throughout the day; 1 tsp fish oil w/ morning meal; 2mg melatonin 

August 1, 2022 - 1 mg melatonin

 

Courage is fear that has said its prayers.  - Karle Wilson Baker

love and justice are not two. without inner change, there can be no outer change; without collective change, no change matters.  - Rev. angel Kyodo williams

Holding multiple truths. Knowing that everyone has their own accurate view of the way things are.  - text on homemade banner at Afiya house

 

I am not a medical professional; this is not medical advice. 

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