Mdawg: 13 years of fluvoxamine and others

[Mdawg]

Hi, I hope everyone is well.  What is your opinion on medical malpractice suits?

[Mdawg]

Also, I found out from a doctor that I saw recently who was filling in for my primary since she’s out of town, that the medical establishment knows that “Fluvoxamine shuts off half the pain receptors in the spinal cord “ and “ sometimes when people with chronic pain don’t respond to traditional pain meds we give them Fluvoxamine because it’s stronger”

so that’s why I felt so physically numb after first being put on it at 14- I proceeded to develop a habit of running around barefoot on the cement in my neighborhood, and even though the barefoot thing phased out as I grew, I never stopped over exercising as a way of seeking out pain to maintain homeostasis until I was forced to by going off the drug and breaking my rib

[Mdawg]

Did you receive the topic I just posted? Also is there a specific section for people who were drugged as children?

[Shep]

19 hours ago, Mdawg said:

Did you receive the topic I just posted? Also is there a specific section for people who were drugged as children?

 

I don't think there is. You could start a thread in the Relationship section about this issue to discuss how it's affecting your life as an adult. 

 

23 hours ago, Mdawg said:

Hi, I hope everyone is well.  What is your opinion on medical malpractice suits?

 

You may want to read threads in the Events section, which contains discussions on this. 

 

[Ariel]

Hi @Mdawg

How are you feeling?

Thinking of you 

[Mdawg]

Hi Ariel, 

thank you for checking in, it’s very meaningful. My name is Maddie by the way. 
 

How are you?

 

 I recently found out that Fluvoxamine works heavily on physical pain reception, and last week I went to the ER with full body, intestine and joint pain.  As soon as I mentioned med situation, they became dismissive, but still did a full blood work and additional x rays (to check on my rib and back injury that is still healing).  They told me to see my psychiatrist about it.

It should be noted that due to the injury I have had to take a significant step back from exercise, which had become an intense and forceful habit over the years of Fluvoxamine induced jittery ness. I can still swim which I thankfully get the chance to do a couple times a week, and go for nature walks.  All this to say, I have been forced to change 2 things at a time, this time, as I’m also in exercise withdrawal.  Some days I have no energy whatsoever, other days I feel frustrated that I can’t do high intensity interval training.

So after the ER incident, I made the desperate rookie mistake of being totally honest with my current psychiatrist (whom had already lost my trust) and told him all my thoughts about what I was experiencing.  He told me I was wrong, I was delusional, and I needed “more treatment “ because this is unrelated to Fluvoxamine. 
I am currently in the process of finding a new (hopefully better) psychiatrist.

 I know I am right, thankfully.  I also have another meeting this week with the same doctor who told me about how Fluvoxamine affects pain. I’m hoping to get more information from him, and ask him for help with all this.  I am going to begin getting my Fluvoxamine from a compounding pharmacy that makes extended release capsules (with a very slight updose) as most of my ups and downs can be attributed to using the immediate release tablets, since Fluvoxamine has the shortest half life of any SSRI.

it should additionally be noted that I had been using marijuana since before I began tapering, starting back in 2018. I recently read that aromatic hydrocarbons (smoke) decreases the effectiveness of Fluvoxamine, which is probably why I was so obsessed with smoking it while I was still on a large dose, in addition to the fact that I was numb to the idea of smoking and the pain it caused my throat and lungs.  As I tapered, sedating types of weed strains helped me get out of neuro- spirals, and counteracted the effects of the Wellbutrin that I was still on.  At this point, I no longer smoke ( if I am in my right mind) and I am extremely sensitive to the stuff, but instead use the stuff I have left ( sedating THC strains that I have first tested and approved along with CBD strains) to make particularly calibrated batches of edibles that I cut into tiny pieces and store in the freezer, to be taken as needed in the evening.

[Mdawg]

I also read the article yesterday 

The Challenge of Going Off Psychiatric Drugs https://www.newyorker.com/magazine/2019/04/08/the-challenge-of-going-off-psychiatric-drugs

 

which is an eye opening read if you can handle it, and led me to her foundation 

theinnercompass.org

which has much helpful information and has links to support groups that are similar to this one but smaller.

[Ariel]

Hi M.,

Sorry to hear about the recent pain episode. Sounds very challenging across the board. 

 

3 hours ago, Mdawg said:

I am currently in the process of finding a new (hopefully better) psychiatrist.

 I know I am right, thankfully.

 

Good for you.

 

3 hours ago, Mdawg said:

I have been forced to change 2 things at a time, this time, as I’m also in exercise withdrawal.

 

It sounds like despite the difficulty you are handling this well. I think withdrawal forces us to get really honest about any habits, behaviors, compulsions, beliefs, etc. we may be attached to. Withdrawal confronts us, again and again, with the question: how is this serving me?  and inspires us to examine what it is we really need. It's all part of the practice of inquiry, learning to listen to our bodies and befriend ourselves. In this way withdrawal can teach us to love ourselves better. 

 

You're doing a great job, M. <3

 

 

[Mdawg]

https://www.madinamerica.com/2022/05/inside-forensic-psych-equanimity/?mc_cid=800043f8f8&mc_eid=3c5f2083b4#
Topic: ASCs - Altered States of Consciousness and how to use them etc…

 

relevant : I was drugged with Fluvoxamine by an off-duty foresnsic psychiatrist who happened to be running a temporary/seasonal family practice on the side when he was lacking in cases I suppose…. I remember feeling trapped while staring at the stacks of thick black FORENSIC PSYCHIATRY texts on his shelves 

Edited May 9, 2022 by Mdawg
Again….. can’t seem to take the time to make calculated decisions such as proofreading

[Mdawg]

What is the role of Levothyroxine in all our cases? It is no coincidence that most on this site have been put on thyroid replacement hormone. I was placed on it after an acute episode of hypothyroidism following my first polydrugging(which I ended a few months later) in addition to an extended period of malnutrition.  My current doctor does not know about this, and I was already on it by the time I started working with her. She says that to get off Levothyroxine, in the event I don’t need it after stopping ADs, is done by cutting the dose in half for 30-60 days and then stopping cold turkey, with an immediately subsequent blood level check.  I am intensely skeptical about this, since Levothyroxine is a hormone replacement and therefore suppresses natural hormone production.  One would think that an immediate blood level check after such a tapering schedule would likely reveal sub-normal hormone levels as the body would need more time to adapt.

[Shep]

@Mdawg If you haven't already seen this, you may want to give this thread a read:

 

Thyroid symptoms: hypothyroid, Hashimoto's

 

 

[Ariel]

@Mdawg

 

Yesterday I watched "Hold Your Breath: The Ice Dive" on Netflix. I thought of you. 

Have you seen it? 

It's a documentary about Johanna Nordblad, a Finnish freediver and ice diver. 

Very calming to watch, putting it on my personal "withdrawal-safe content" list. 

 

Another documentary on my list is "My Octopus Teacher", do you know that one?

 

One of my all-time favorites on the list is actually a podcast episode: https://thisislovepodcast.com/something-large-and-wild-2/

I wonder whether you'd like that one. I've listened to it many times and find it soothing and moving. 

 

As a teenager I was obsessed with the movie "The Big Blue", or "Le Grand Bleu". I owned the director's cut version and watched it over and over. Maybe you know it? 

 

I am in awe of your capacity to freedive and swim as well as you do. What a gift.

 

Thank you for being here. <3

A.  

 

 

[Ariel]

P.S. 

I guess I should include a trigger warning for "The Big Blue". Some find it to depict suicide. That is not my personal interpretation; but for the sake of our community: beware, take care. <3

[Mdawg]

7 hours ago, Ariel said:

@Mdawg

 

Yesterday I watched "Hold Your Breath: The Ice Dive" on Netflix. I thought of you. 

Have you seen it? 

It's a documentary about Johanna Nordblad, a Finnish freediver and ice diver. 

Very calming to watch, putting it on my personal "withdrawal-safe content" list. 

 

Another documentary on my list is "My Octopus Teacher", do you know that one?

 

One of my all-time favorites on the list is actually a podcast episode: https://thisislovepodcast.com/something-large-and-wild-2/

I wonder whether you'd like that one. I've listened to it many times and find it soothing and moving. 

 

As a teenager I was obsessed with the movie "The Big Blue", or "Le Grand Bleu". I owned the director's cut version and watched it over and over. Maybe you know it? 

 

I am in awe of your capacity to freedive and swim as well as you do. What a gift.

 

Thank you for being here. ❤️

A.  

 

 

Thank you for telling me, I love my octopus teacher, it moved me to tears, especially since I watched it at some stage of withdrawal, before I went and took my first Freediving course.  Thank you.  Sometimes I realize I may not have been pushed to freedive so deep of I had not been led by some of the effects ( good and bad) of the drugs, so in that way Freediving makes everything flow together in my life for a reason.  I have not yet tried ice diving….. yet another reason to push through this  By the way, parlez vous Francais?

[Mdawg]

Sometimes (like today) The thought/feeling comes in, that I should have had the self control as a kid to not behave so out of the ordinary (with “severe” “OCD”)  I realize then that that would have required me to view myself and my reality from an outside perspective, when I was really trapped in my own mind and brain, yet developed only to 11 years of age, undergoing changes not yet completely understood by modern science.  But that would mean that it “wasn’t my fault “ which would mean I was not in control, and control is what I was ultimately seeking then and now.  
 

I’ve been grappling with the idea of control, self-control, and ultimately free will.  I have learned from my experience that free will, in order to exist, can only be defined as the freedom to choose how the observer responds to internal or external stimuli.  However, withdrawal or mental storms of any kind, often would seem to remove the idea of choice.  The choice in that case, would be to accept the lack of choice.

[Mdawg]

4 hours ago, Mdawg said:

Sometimes (like today) The thought/feeling comes in, that I should have had the self control as a kid to not behave so out of the ordinary (with “severe” “OCD”)  I realize then that that would have required me to view myself and my reality from an outside perspective, when I was really trapped in my own mind and brain, yet developed only to 11 years of age, undergoing changes not yet completely understood by modern science.  But that would mean that it “wasn’t my fault “ which would mean I was not in control, and control is what I was ultimately seeking then and now.  
 

I’ve been grappling with the idea of control, self-control, and ultimately free will.  I have learned from my experience that free will, in order to exist, can only be defined as the freedom to choose how the observer responds to internal or external stimuli.  However, withdrawal or mental storms of any kind, often would seem to remove the idea of choice.  The choice in that case, would be to accept the lack of choice.

Yes, you caught me I was trying to sound smart 

[Mdawg]

I’m in awe of my own thoughts. Not used to having this quantity and quality of thoughts. Interesting.

 

 I have a theory that my current state of withdrawal while my brain is remodeling itself ( windows and waves) must be similar to, given what we know, a “normal “ default settings person taking mushrooms (the effects of a micro-dose of psychedelics matching those of a micro-taper).   Windows would match a “good trip” and waves would match a “bad trip “.  All this of course being the case only for someone such as myself who has grown up and around a high dose of SSRI.  SSRIs, therefore, would be working in the opposite manner as psilocybin mushrooms.  Psilocybin, from what I have read, works by decreasing the serotonin in the synapse, thereby encouraging the brain to excrete more of its own supply, creating new neuronal connections.  Since we know how SSRIS work (by increasing the quantity of serotonin present in the synapse thereby decreasing the rate of endogenous serotonin excretion) tapering off them would by happenstance create the same effect.

 

Therefore, what we as a society know about how to participate safely in psychedelics (SET, SETTING and DOSAGE)

can apply to how to participate safely in SSRI withdrawal.

 

SET= people around you 

SETTING= your environment 

DOSAGE= The speed of tapering (micro-taper=micro-dose… and so on)

 

The point is, in order for a psychedelic experience (such as tapering) to not totally derail someone, they must pay careful attention and care to having in place a gentle, loving and calming environment and group of people (if there will be others present) as well as ensuring a graduated tapering schedule, as a too-fast taper would equal a too-large dose of psychedelics, which would mean a much higher likelihood of negative experiences aka a “bad trip”.

 

Because of the above, those, like myself, who have been on SSRIS at a high dose for many years and/or grew up on SSRIS, SHOULD NEVER ATTEMPT ACTUAL PSYCHEDELIC DRUGS OF ANY KIND 

At your own risk etc.

 

We already must go through a psychedelic experience to achieve baseline, so that is enough!

 

 

[Mdawg]

On 5/17/2022 at 6:24 PM, Mdawg said:

I’m in awe of my own thoughts. Not used to having this quantity and quality of thoughts. Interesting.

 

 I have a theory that my current state of withdrawal while my brain is remodeling itself ( windows and waves) must be similar to, given what we know, a “normal “ default settings person taking mushrooms (the effects of a micro-dose of psychedelics matching those of a micro-taper).   Windows would match a “good trip” and waves would match a “bad trip “.  All this of course being the case only for someone such as myself who has grown up and around a high dose of SSRI.  SSRIs, therefore, would be working in the opposite manner as psilocybin mushrooms.  Psilocybin, from what I have read, works by decreasing the serotonin in the synapse, thereby encouraging the brain to excrete more of its own supply, creating new neuronal connections.  Since we know how SSRIS work (by increasing the quantity of serotonin present in the synapse thereby decreasing the rate of endogenous serotonin excretion) tapering off them would by happenstance create the same effect.

 

Therefore, what we as a society know about how to participate safely in psychedelics (SET, SETTING and DOSAGE)

can apply to how to participate safely in SSRI withdrawal.

 

SET= people around you 

SETTING= your environment 

DOSAGE= The speed of tapering (micro-taper=micro-dose… and so on)

 

The point is, in order for a psychedelic experience (such as tapering) to not totally derail someone, they must pay careful attention and care to having in place a gentle, loving and calming environment and group of people (if there will be others present) as well as ensuring a graduated tapering schedule, as a too-fast taper would equal a too-large dose of psychedelics, which would mean a much higher likelihood of negative experiences aka a “bad trip”.

 

Because of the above, those, like myself, who have been on SSRIS at a high dose for many years and/or grew up on SSRIS, SHOULD NEVER ATTEMPT ACTUAL PSYCHEDELIC DRUGS OF ANY KIND 

At your own risk etc.

 

We already must go through a psychedelic experience to achieve baseline, so that is enough!

 

 

I think this comes from a place of optimism, while the comparison is likely inaccurate 

[Mdawg]

Hello,

 

 I should specify about the awe of my own thoughts.  After not experiencing many an endemic thought during my entire youth , it is indeed awe inspiring to grow such bounty in new ones.  I’ve noticed that my quantity and quality of thoughts increase, upon increased blood flow to the brain.

 

Lately I’ve been studying my body and mind ( as many of us have) and I have noticed that blood flow as well as most involuntary physiological processes are controlled by the nervous system.  I’ve noticed that my blood pressure is either quite low or quite high, and can be changed on a dime by one stressful stimulus, the greater the degree of stress the higher my blood pressure rises, and the more relaxing and comforting the stimulus the lower my blood pressure goes.  I think this is the case for most people in general, but with a sensitized nervous system it is accentuated to a nearly ridiculous degree at times.

 

Having studied science and the scientific method for many years, and now having been launched into this peculiar experience, I feel like one of those early eccentric scientists that did self experimentation.  I’ve learned a lot more by meditating in my own shifting body than I did in other scenarios.

 

I have learned that blood flow to the brain, especially with low blood pressure, is severely affected by eating.  Eating, all of a sudden, has become significantly taxing on my entire system, and comes at the cost of mental clarity and physical capabilities/movement.

so I’ve been shifting my diet and eating times to accommodate other activities in my day, so that they are not interrupted by my entire blood supply flowing directly to my digestive system.

Exercise increased blood flow to the brain, especially cardio, especially when done horizontally aka swimming.  Swimming underwater even more so, as the increased exterior pressure exerted by the weight of the water forces blood to flow into the tissues. After swimming, I tend to have a good trip or a not so good trip, and So I cannot do it two days in a row because of how stimulating it is to have a sudden increase of blood flow to a sensitized nervous system.

 

I've begun volunteering again at my local wildlife sanctuary, where I volunteered 5 years ago.  It’s interesting to be returning to the same job, as a different person.

It has also highlighted for me the similarity between my current mental state and the mental state of a person on shrooms.  If I spend time in nature, in the sun, in a familiar place with trusted old friends, I feel absolutely amazing (triggers a window), versus if I stay home all day ruminating in the dark because it’s raining outside or get in an argument with someone ( triggers a wave). Perhaps this comparison will not be well received, but it is SSRI specific (possibly Fluvoxamine specific).

 

 I have noticed minor withdrawal from Wellbutrin in the form of exercise intolerance and ADD, but I welcome both with open arms as simply a new experience (although in grocery stores I get very overwhelmed and distracted by shiny things).

[Mdawg]

On 5/17/2022 at 6:24 PM, Mdawg said:

I’m in awe of my own thoughts. Not used to having this quantity and quality of thoughts. Interesting.

 

 I have a theory that my current state of withdrawal while my brain is remodeling itself ( windows and waves) must be similar to, given what we know, a “normal “ default settings person taking mushrooms (the effects of a micro-dose of psychedelics matching those of a micro-taper).   Windows would match a “good trip” and waves would match a “bad trip “.  All this of course being the case only for someone such as myself who has grown up and around a high dose of SSRI.  SSRIs, therefore, would be working in the opposite manner as psilocybin mushrooms.  Psilocybin, from what I have read, works by decreasing the serotonin in the synapse, thereby encouraging the brain to excrete more of its own supply, creating new neuronal connections.  Since we know how SSRIS work (by increasing the quantity of serotonin present in the synapse thereby decreasing the rate of endogenous serotonin excretion) tapering off them would by happenstance create the same effect.

 

Therefore, what we as a society know about how to participate safely in psychedelics (SET, SETTING and DOSAGE)

can apply to how to participate safely in SSRI withdrawal.

 

SET= people around you 

SETTING= your environment 

DOSAGE= The speed of tapering (micro-taper=micro-dose… and so on)

 

The point is, in order for a psychedelic experience (such as tapering) to not totally derail someone, they must pay careful attention and care to having in place a gentle, loving and calming environment and group of people (if there will be others present) as well as ensuring a graduated tapering schedule, as a too-fast taper would equal a too-large dose of psychedelics, which would mean a much higher likelihood of negative experiences aka a “bad trip”.

 

Because of the above, those, like myself, who have been on SSRIS at a high dose for many years and/or grew up on SSRIS, SHOULD NEVER ATTEMPT ACTUAL PSYCHEDELIC DRUGS OF ANY KIND 

At your own risk etc.

 

We already must go through a psychedelic experience to achieve baseline, so that is enough!

 

 

Never say never, maybe some people would tolerate a microdose many years after healing completely if they so choose 

[Mdawg]

1 hour ago, Mdawg said:

Hello,

 

 I should specify about the awe of my own thoughts.  After not experiencing many an endemic thought during my entire youth , it is indeed awe inspiring to grow such bounty in new ones.  I’ve noticed that my quantity and quality of thoughts increase, upon increased blood flow to the brain.

 

Lately I’ve been studying my body and mind ( as many of us have) and I have noticed that blood flow as well as most involuntary physiological processes are controlled by the nervous system.  I’ve noticed that my blood pressure is either quite low or quite high, and can be changed on a dime by one stressful stimulus, the greater the degree of stress the higher my blood pressure rises, and the more relaxing and comforting the stimulus the lower my blood pressure goes.  I think this is the case for most people in general, but with a sensitized nervous system it is accentuated to a nearly ridiculous degree at times.

 

Having studied science and the scientific method for many years, and now having been launched into this peculiar experience, I feel like one of those early eccentric scientists that did self experimentation.  I’ve learned a lot more by meditating in my own shifting body than I did in other scenarios.

 

I have learned that blood flow to the brain, especially with low blood pressure, is severely affected by eating.  Eating, all of a sudden, has become significantly taxing on my entire system, and comes at the cost of mental clarity and physical capabilities/movement.

so I’ve been shifting my diet and eating times to accommodate other activities in my day, so that they are not interrupted by my entire blood supply flowing directly to my digestive system.

Exercise increased blood flow to the brain, especially cardio, especially when done horizontally aka swimming.  Swimming underwater even more so, as the increased exterior pressure exerted by the weight of the water forces blood to flow into the tissues. After swimming, I tend to have a good trip or a not so good trip, and So I cannot do it two days in a row because of how stimulating it is to have a sudden increase of blood flow to a sensitized nervous system.

 

I've begun volunteering again at my local wildlife sanctuary, where I volunteered 5 years ago.  It’s interesting to be returning to the same job, as a different person.

It has also highlighted for me the similarity between my current mental state and the mental state of a person on shrooms.  If I spend time in nature, in the sun, in a familiar place with trusted old friends, I feel absolutely amazing (triggers a window), versus if I stay home all day ruminating in the dark because it’s raining outside or get in an argument with someone ( triggers a wave). Perhaps this comparison will not be well received, but it is SSRI specific (possibly Fluvoxamine specific).

 

 I have noticed minor withdrawal from Wellbutrin in the form of exercise intolerance and ADD, but I welcome both with open arms as simply a new experience (although in grocery stores I get very overwhelmed and distracted by shiny things).

Blood flow to the brain is especially important for brain healing, as well as oxygen.  Dr. Daniel Amen and others promote hyperbaric oxygen therapy for healing brain injuries caused by drugs and head trauma… although hyperbaric oxygen therapy is super expensive as it’s new and uses expensive hyperbaric chambers with supplemental oxygen flowing in, one can approximate, if tapering slowly enough, in their own life by getting out in nature, preferably dense, far-reaching nature away from the city as the city produces CO2 and consumes oxygen while nature produces oxygen while consuming CO2

 

And for the hyperbaric part (more pressure than normal atmospheric pressure) that can be done by being underwater!  Doesn’t have to be that far underwater, just in a pool… though obviously it would be ideal to breathe oxygen while being underwater at the same time, so therefore hyperbaric oxygen therapy for brain healing is best approximated with scuba diving!  Though I’ve never tried scuba diving, and I’ve never heard of anyone being able to do it while in withdrawal… I would bet that if someone is tapering slowly enough or waits until they are healed, it would do wonders for tying up the healing process with a neat and helpful experience.  All the scuba instructors I have met (a few, who spend many of their days diving) have been extraordinarily mentally healthy and robust individuals… 

[Mdawg]

2 minutes ago, Mdawg said:

Blood flow to the brain is especially important for brain healing, as well as oxygen.  Dr. Daniel Amen and others promote hyperbaric oxygen therapy for healing brain injuries caused by drugs and head trauma… although hyperbaric oxygen therapy is super expensive as it’s new and uses expensive hyperbaric chambers with supplemental oxygen flowing in, one can approximate, if tapering slowly enough, in their own life by getting out in nature, preferably dense, far-reaching nature away from the city as the city produces CO2 and consumes oxygen while nature produces oxygen while consuming CO2

 

And for the hyperbaric part (more pressure than normal atmospheric pressure) that can be done by being underwater!  Doesn’t have to be that far underwater, just in a pool… though obviously it would be ideal to breathe oxygen while being underwater at the same time, so therefore hyperbaric oxygen therapy for brain healing is best approximated with scuba diving!  Though I’ve never tried scuba diving, and I’ve never heard of anyone being able to do it while in withdrawal… I would bet that if someone is tapering slowly enough or waits until they are healed, it would do wonders for tying up the healing process with a neat and helpful experience.  All the scuba instructors I have met (a few, who spend many of their days diving) have been extraordinarily mentally healthy and robust individuals… 

I also learned from Doc Amen that drug use in general decreases blood flow to the brain, and that mental health issues in the absence of life stressors are primarily physiological originating from poor diet, environmental toxins, lack of exercise, sleep, and drug use, or from underlying physical illness 

[DazzlingCold]

On 3/1/2022 at 11:18 AM, Mdawg said:

Right now I take lions mane, reishi and Chaga mushrooms, as well as ginkgo and occasionally l theanine. Also Vitamin K2 and D3 and calcium because I’m healing a broken rib. Occasionally cordyceps mushroom for freedive performance. Rarely coffee.

Hello @Mdawg! How are you doing? I saw you were taking lions mane, and other mushrooms. How long has it been? How do they help? Im curious as I have read about their ability to help neuroplasticity and inflamation. What has your experience been like while taking them?

🌟 ✨ 

[DazzlingCold]

On 4/26/2022 at 8:39 AM, Mdawg said:

Hi, I hope everyone is well.  What is your opinion on medical malpractice suits?

Wish I had an opinion, but I would go for it if a lawyer advises so.

[Mdawg]

6 hours ago, DazzlingCold said:

Hello @Mdawg! How are you doing? I saw you were taking lions mane, and other mushrooms. How long has it been? How do they help? Im curious as I have read about their ability to help neuroplasticity and inflamation. What has your experience been like while taking them?

🌟 ✨ 

Hi @DazzlingCold I love your name and thank you for reaching out.  I have stopped all supplements except magnesium and fish oil(and herbal teas) as advised due to my fast taper.  Earlier in my tapering, I found the nootropic shrooms to be somewhat activating and good for cardiovascular performance, but other than that, it’s hard to tell.  I took ginkgo a little because I heard it increased blood flow to the brain, but I’ve stopped that for now as well.  I understand the urge and drive to seek supplements, as it’s the same urge that was reinforced by psychiatry and drugs, as in take this and it will make you better.  Honestly now that I have experienced all that I’ve experienced… less is more.  You were born whole.  You do not need to be fixed.  Vitamins and good nutrition are essential, movement is essential, social safety and acceptance and community is essential… but there is nothing a supplement will give you that you do not already have… that’s what I think

[Mdawg]

Sometimes I can’t help but look at people who haven’t been drugged, look into their faces, filled with their natural soul… and be overcome with jealousy for their ease of living… no matter what life throws at them, they have had the privilege of being at home in body and mind 

[DazzlingCold]

On 5/27/2022 at 7:43 PM, Mdawg said:

Hi @DazzlingCold I love your name and thank you for reaching out.  I have stopped all supplements except magnesium and fish oil(and herbal teas) as advised due to my fast taper.  Earlier in my tapering, I found the nootropic shrooms to be somewhat activating and good for cardiovascular performance, but other than that, it’s hard to tell.  I took ginkgo a little because I heard it increased blood flow to the brain, but I’ve stopped that for now as well.  I understand the urge and drive to seek supplements, as it’s the same urge that was reinforced by psychiatry and drugs, as in take this and it will make you better.  Honestly now that I have experienced all that I’ve experienced… less is more.  You were born whole.  You do not need to be fixed.  Vitamins and good nutrition are essential, movement is essential, social safety and acceptance and community is essential… but there is nothing a supplement will give you that you do not already have… that’s what I think

I hear you

never thought of it tgat way and totally agree on the same premise with supplements and psychiatry

thank you!!

[Ariel]

@Mdawg

Thinking of you <3

[Mdawg]

On 6/10/2022 at 12:33 AM, Ariel said:

@Mdawg

Thinking of you ❤️

❤️I’m thinking of you too! I hope you are doing “well” as can be. Your writing always gets stuck in my head! 😂

[Mdawg]

I will give an update.

 

 I have effectively stopped THC and most CBD (occasionally use a small amount of CBD).

 

The dose of Fluvoxamine I am currently on, 25 mg, is small enough that it no longer interferes with my sense of self and natural abilities, it does not have much hold on me anymore.  Along with that of course comes an unpredictable feeling of being untethered, a type of vertigo.  Day to day functioning varies directly depending on the quantity and quality of stimuli that I receive.  Surprises are not welcome.  Fear is creeping around the corners of my abundant thoughts, in a good way when I recall how I lived without it for so long.  It does interfere with my ability to tolerate anything remotely unpleasant.

 

I have been welcoming an increasing tide of grief over what happened to me and my family. At the same time I have noticed an increase in daily curiosity and motivation.  Curiosity is always good, and I did not have it on Fluvoxamine.  Motivation is not always good, as it is untethered to a safe and level personhood. Excitement can feel promising, then can get quickly out of control and lead to despair.  Sometimes I feel incredibly bored, so I make plans, and then suddenly I am overwhelmed by the world and how I never had the chance to adapt to it without adults poisoning me.

 

Yes, sure, some might feel the need to correct me by informing me that poison is a strong word, that sedated is a strong word. I cannot deny the fact that I was sedated with poison starting when I was 11.  There seems to be in this sense very little difference between present and past psychiatric practices.  
 

My memory has been coming back online.  In the most excruciating way, of course. I remember everything that happened to me, I know why it happened, I know why adults did it, I know what they thought they were doing, I know how they interpreted the situation, I remember how I felt and thought around it.

 

The drugs that I was first placed under made me much, much worse. The drugs always made me worse, while hypnotizing me into being unable to express, think, feel or communicate.

 

I remember taking my first dose of Fluvoxamine.  It felt like some synthetic opium-caffeine hybrid. The following increases in dose made me hyperactive and  numb to the point where I became something of a robot zombie who still had OCD and was also comfortably numb about the consequences of my actions.  I would compulsively do sets of handstands, sit ups, push ups, jogging and sprinting.  Not much changed in the following years.

 

 I remember when Fluvoxamine “pooped out “.  I can still feel how my brain structurally outgrew the trellis of the drug, like little bits of brain tissue grew outward through the holes in the trellis, unable to normally functionally communicate with each other ever since. I had severe anhedonia and lots of other things.

 

My memories from the last 16 years are all tainted with the trauma of not being myself, and all of the social consequences of behavior that resulted from a lack of emotions, empathy and awareness.  I used Wellbutrin and marijuana to “feel new” and suppress that trauma.  Wellbutrin made me into a new person and marijuana makes me forget.

 

 I began to experience trichotillomania around age 10-11, but only mildly, because I cared deeply about myself, my future, social consequences, and my hair.  I had very special hair … poofy and very thick, but also soft and fine.  Chestnut reddish brown with blond highlights.

The drugs I was put on at 11, 12, and especially 13… they made me not care about myself, and beyond that, they made me into a totally different person. My self perception was annihilated.  I had a self perception of a gentle love within me, and then the chemicals killed it, like spraying a toxin on a plant and watching and feeling it sizzle and wither, flatten and turn brown and fall to the ground.  This made the person that wasn’t me, but was occupying my body… pull out all the hair on my head, just for fun. A few times over. 
Hair grew on my head again, and my hair is still relatively thick, but it was never the same.  When a hair is pulled out by the root, it genetically terminates that hair.  A new root can form, but it will be genetically different, courser, darker, more brittle and uneven.  Now the hair I have is all different textures and colors and thicknesses in different parts of my head.  The crown has the least thickness and the coarsest and brittlest hair, with a small balding area around the top part because that is where my drugged child self did the most damage.  The edges and front and back are much thicker and softer, the front and back are much like my original hair.  I am now tortured everyday by thoughts of what my hair would have been.  This permanent external mark of my past, permanent damage to what was once my most distinctive and admired trait, is a major contributor to suicidal ideation.
 

I always hated the drugs. As a child I did not know how to articulate this. I was too obedient.

 

Unfortunately, as a child and under the hypnosis of psychotropics, while internalizing my parents’ desperation that the drugs would “work”, I stuck it out.  For all the drugs, I stuck it out.  I was hard on myself, I believed that I was broken and needed to be fixed, even if it meant that I had to die on the inside.

 

I shaved my head a couple of times in the past few years and I liked the feeling of not having to think about hair, so I might do that again, and rub castor oil on my head,

 because I heard that it promotes hair growth. The only relief and joy I have been able to find recently is when I am well hydrated and get good cardio exercise while submerged in water or on the soft earth of a forest path.  I also love to make superfood smoothies with blueberries and lemon flavored fish oil, and drink aloe juice, eat vegetables and stretch and roll around on the floor, and do extensive showers with clay masks and exfoliation.

 

 I have also begun a newfound love affair with potatoes and broccoli.

 

Best wishes to all and if you read this far I hope what I shared has an impact on the world,

mdawg

 

[Mdawg]

I also think the reason I mostly pulled out hair from the top of my head was because of feeling trapped.  I felt trapped in a situation and trapped in my body. It was a subconscious effort for my soul to escape out of the top of my head.

[Ariel]

Dear, dear @Mdawg

Reading your update brought tears to my eyes. Thank you for sharing your story with such fierce honesty and unapologetic vulnerability. You are incredibly brave. 

My heart goes out to you in your grief. 

 

1 hour ago, Mdawg said:

Motivation is not always good, as it is untethered to a safe and level personhood.

 

I'm curious what you mean by this. Would you feel like saying more, maybe giving an example? No pressure. 

 

1 hour ago, Mdawg said:

My memory has been coming back online.  In the most excruciating way, of course. I remember everything that happened to me, I know why it happened, I know why adults did it, I know what they thought they were doing, I know how they interpreted the situation, I remember how I felt and thought around it.

 

The drugs that I was first placed under made me much, much worse. The drugs always made me worse, while hypnotizing me into being unable to express, think, feel or communicate.

1 hour ago, Mdawg said:

My memories from the last 16 years are all tainted with the trauma of not being myself

1 hour ago, Mdawg said:

I always hated the drugs. As a child I did not know how to articulate this. I was too obedient.

 

Unfortunately, as a child and under the hypnosis of psychotropics, while internalizing my parents’ desperation that the drugs would “work”, I stuck it out.  For all the drugs, I stuck it out.  I was hard on myself, I believed that I was broken and needed to be fixed, even if it meant that I had to die on the inside.

 

I hear you. I'm so sorry for your pain. It's heartbreaking to read of your experience. 

 

1 hour ago, Mdawg said:

The drugs I was put on at 11, 12, and especially 13… they made me not care about myself, and beyond that, they made me into a totally different person. My self perception was annihilated.  I had a self perception of a gentle love within me, and then the chemicals killed it, like spraying a toxin on a plant and watching and feeling it sizzle and wither, flatten and turn brown and fall to the ground.

1 hour ago, Mdawg said:

I can still feel how my brain structurally outgrew the trellis of the drug, like little bits of brain tissue grew outward through the holes in the trellis, unable to normally functionally communicate with each other ever since.

 

Such powerful imagery. I'm having a visceral reaction to your writing. You articulate your experience with such gut-wrenching precision. 

 

Thank you for posting this. Your words are important and yes, they do and will continue to have an impact on the world. They have an impact on me. 

Reading about your experience helps me more than I can say. I feel like you are reaching in and touching a part of me I long to connect with but have difficulty contacting on my own.

 

I have been feeling so lost, staggering through the days, fumbling through numbness, feeling everything and nothing all at once all the while not knowing what I'm feeling, who what where when why how f*cked if I know, I feel like some_thing_ that I don't know what/who is, stuffed into a human flesh suit and clumsily quasi-remote-animated, and oh how I long to either escape entirely or properly connect/center/ground, and somehow neither of those options is available, I am just stuck in this liminal unspace of non-orientable surface dis/dys-existence. 

 

When I read what you wrote it feels like for a second I can connect, feel, land, and even if only for a second, it is such a gift. 

Thank you, M.

I love you. 

[Mdawg]

On 6/14/2022 at 4:44 PM, Ariel said:

Dear, dear @Mdawg

Reading your update brought tears to my eyes. Thank you for sharing your story with such fierce honesty and unapologetic vulnerability. You are incredibly brave. 

My heart goes out to you in your grief. 

 

 

I'm curious what you mean by this. Would you feel like saying more, maybe giving an example? No pressure. 

 

 

I hear you. I'm so sorry for your pain. It's heartbreaking to read of your experience. 

 

 

Such powerful imagery. I'm having a visceral reaction to your writing. You articulate your experience with such gut-wrenching precision. 

 

Thank you for posting this. Your words are important and yes, they do and will continue to have an impact on the world. They have an impact on me. 

Reading about your experience helps me more than I can say. I feel like you are reaching in and touching a part of me I long to connect with but have difficulty contacting on my own.

 

I have been feeling so lost, staggering through the days, fumbling through numbness, feeling everything and nothing all at once all the while not knowing what I'm feeling, who what where when why how f*cked if I know, I feel like some_thing_ that I don't know what/who is, stuffed into a human flesh suit and clumsily quasi-remote-animated, and oh how I long to either escape entirely or properly connect/center/ground, and somehow neither of those options is available, I am just stuck in this liminal unspace of non-orientable surface dis/dys-existence. 

 

When I read what you wrote it feels like for a second I can connect, feel, land, and even if only for a second, it is such a gift. 

Thank you, M.

I love you. 

Thank you ❤️❤️❤️

[DazzlingCold]

On 6/14/2022 at 2:32 PM, Mdawg said:

Motivation is not always good, as it is untethered to a safe and level personhood. Excitement can feel promising, then can get quickly out of control and lead to despair.  Sometimes I feel incredibly bored, so I make plans, and then suddenly I am overwhelmed

I can relate! Sometimes id rather feel indifferent (not motivated) as it helps me make decisions (and better ones) from a place of discipline. Ultimately, that makes me feel empowered, grounded, proud. Also relate to feeling good and then it all goes bad. I sometimes feel like… what’s the point of feeling good if feeling bad chases it?

My heart is with you. 

[DazzlingCold]

On 6/14/2022 at 2:32 PM, Mdawg said:

Unfortunately, as a child and under the hypnosis of psychotropics, while internalizing my parents’ desperation that the drugs would “work”, I stuck it out.  For all the drugs, I stuck it out.  I was hard on myself, I believed that I was broken and needed to be fixed, even if it meant that I had to die on the inside.

Same! I still struggle with this at times. I catch myself doing it as it used to be so natural. Crazy, isn’t it? It’s sad that we didn’t learn healthier ways when younger…

… the grief of it all…

[Mdawg]

Sometimes I think… maybe “God” directed this to happen to me… because I have something inside me that when unlocked by this suffering, can save the world.  If I had not been forced to my knees in suffering, forced to break open and reach out for help, my head jerked painfully in the direction of this forum… I would not have seen, I would not have needed to care, I would not have empathized, the commonality of our suffering would not have been made real to me.

The purpose of my life, I have always known… is environmental conservation.  Nature has always called to me in reverberating whispers that I hear with my bones… ever since I can remember.  
Something tells me that this is gold, hidden in a treasure box under the soil of comfort.  
The comfort had to be shoveled off, the box dug up, and now the lid is being cracked open.  Humans are born of nature, natural selection, evolution… or God, depending upon one’s beliefs…

perhaps humans like us, the pain we carry, it is nature… the purpose of the drugs was to destroy our pain, and pain allows us to feel, to connect, to care.  Sensitivity is expanded consciousness, and Earth is the only known seat of consciousness in the universe, and these drugs are destroying consciousness… so what does that tell you?