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Choosing Your Future


alexjuice

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If anyone wants to play the happy forecasting game with me, join in.

 

In the near future I see myself feeling well enough to work and exercise. I see myself self-sufficient financially. I have accepted those things I can not change and feel no shame and have let go of blame. I avoid trying to make others understand my tragedy. I am loyal to my few friends. I am active, spending lots of time outdoors. I have a dog. I live in a smaller city further North. And I grow some vegetables on my balcony. I eat great and know how to cook. I can afford any indegrient I desire. I sleep well. I wake up well.

 

Acceptance and honor are the two virtues I value above the else.

 

Also, I've gone bald but am perfectly fine with that... :-)

 

Where do you want to see yourself?

"Well my ship's been split to splinters and it's sinking fast
I'm drowning in the poison, got no future, got no past
But my heart is not weary, it's light and it's free
I've got nothing but affection for all those who sailed with me.

Everybody's moving, if they ain't already there
Everybody's got to move somewhere
Stick with me baby, stick with me anyhow
Things should start to get interesting right about now."

- Zimmerman

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  • 3 weeks later...

I see myself as a success in my business.

 

Financially solvent.

 

Happier, healthier and settled in on whatever I am on or not on in terms of AD's.

 

Traveling because I am financially solvent.

 

Finished remodeling my home, and possibly looking for another one with a larger yard.

 

I'd like to EXHALE :)

 

Alex.....I have alot of friends. Alot. And I see most of them on a weekly basis. I am blessed in this area. However I don't have a male partner. Someday when I am ready I hope the right man can come into my life.

 

I write my goals out alot and I do tend to keep focused on them. It keeps me feeling brighter about the future.

 

Hugs

Intro: http://survivingantidepressants.org/index.php?/topic/1902-nikki-hi-my-rundown-with-ads/

 

Paxil 1997-2004

Crossed over to Lexapro Paxil not available

at Pharmacies GSK halted deliveries

Lexapro 40mgs

Lexapro taper (2years)

Imipramine

Imipramine and Celexa

Now Nefazadone/Imipramine 50mgs. each

45mgs. Serzone  50mgs. Imipramine

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Barbarannamated

I tried to answer this when you first posted, Alex. I couldn't. I didnt understand why, just that I cant see anything in front of me. Ive contrived all kinds of reasons - unhappy in relationship, no career, unhappy where i live and noplace obvious to move to.. In the past, I planned for the future to an obsessive degree: saving for retirement, always having a job... the proverbial ducks all in a row. I tried to live in the present, the moment, but it was difficult.

 

Now, I am living moment to moment, unable to think of any future. I believe this is somehow tied to the neuro effects of Addison's and whatever other things I have going on. Funny thing about living in the moment... I dont worry about the future, but I also dont care about the future. My mind cannot connect emotionally to the future.

 

However, I CAN envision a large old house on land, not far from a major city. It's filled with a bunch of unrelated people who each have their own "job" or place within this eccentric family. People can be happy or grumpy or anything in between and the others understand and dont judge. People can socialize or stay to themselves and nobody thinks much of it. Someone always feels like cooking or playing music or sitting around a big fire.. the weather is pleasant, not too hot or too cold. There's a big window seat to curl up with a good book. Work gets done because people want to contribute and help the others.

 

It's an odd lot, but it works. Outsiders don't understand, but that matters not.

 

Im not certain if this is the future or the past.

Pristiq tapered over 8 months ending Spring 2011 after 18 years of polydrugging that began w/Zoloft for fatigue/general malaise (not mood). CURRENT: 1mg Klonopin qhs (SSRI bruxism), 75mg trazodone qhs, various hormonesLitigation for 11 years for Work-related injury, settled 2004. Involuntary medical retirement in 2001 (age 39). 2012 - brain MRI showing diffuse, chronic cerebrovascular damage/demyelination possibly vasculitis/cerebritis. Dx w/autoimmune polyendocrine failure.<p>2013 - Dx w/CNS Sjogren's Lupus (FANA antibodies first appeared in 1997 but missed by doc).

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Im not certain if this is the future or the past.

 

Does it matter? Whether past or future, both were or are now. Or maybe this is word soup and feelings are key. Hugs anyone?Posted Image

As always, LISTEN TO YOUR BODY! A proud supporter of the 10% (or slower) rule.

 

Requip - 3/16 ZERO  Total time on 25 years.

 

Lyrica: 8/15 ZERO Total time on 7 or 8 yrs.

BENZO FREE 10/13 (started tapering 7/10)  Total time on 25 years.

 

Read my intro thread here, and check the about me section.  "No matter how cynical you get, it's almost impossible to keep up." Lily Tomlin

 

 

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Im not certain if this is the future or the past.

 

Does it matter? Whether past or future, both were or are now. Or maybe this is word soup and feelings are key. Hugs anyone?Posted Image

 

 

Hugs ! :) Most needed

2007-2012started Effexor xr 225mg -150mg- Varied2months of Taper,(March 22/2012 Off Med/in W/D)Currently No medicationMarch 22/2012- August 16/2012 - Totally Off Effexor( Rough Rough time) Reinstatement for a week(didn't work)****** New Doctor******* Very nice/helpful and in touch.Tried Zoloft- No successAUGUST 17/2012- STARTED 37.5 EFFEXOR FOR ONE WEEK - NOT GOOD < STOPPED.Started Buspar Oct 11th 2012----10 mg for the first 7 days and then 15mg a day---- Taking a new route----Racing thoughts - Gone.Oct 9th ( Done Zoloft,wellbutrin week project trial to feel better) - OFFICIALLY OFF ANTI DEPRESSANT !Oct 26 - Raised Buspar to 20mg a day- Tolerating wellJan 2nd 2013-

Reduce Buspar until full off march 20th 2015 Off all medication !

Tried natural supplements to no avail

Gluten/sugar free since december 2013

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  • 3 weeks later...
starlitegirlx

Won the lottery, a heft jackpot - beautiful home in place where 60s sunny is the average. Perfectly healthy and peaceful. Started a massive movement against drugging society, primarily psychiatry and also a massive movement to remove all drug commercials from American TV. Big ban. Big laws against that stuff. Go to your doc. It's his job to know. Can't pimp liquor or cigarettes then why allow drugs which is far worse? Hypocrites much?

 

Minimal life stress. Just living low key, kind of zen and buddhist like where I find peace and contentment in the moments and not dwell on what is when it isn't to my liking.

 

Also, use that lottery money for things like helping friends and causes and getting to travel. I really would love to see the world.

 

Hey, if I'm going to dream, I'm going to dream what I would really want to happen rather than what I've been dealt thus far.

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  • 4 weeks later...
  • Moderator Emeritus

I would like to be on my way to be physically fit in 3 years. So fit that I will rather be outside in all types of weather.

 

I want to be so fit that my brain demands activity (as it used to) and thus I will snowshoe again, ride bike again, hike again, help cut wood again, & hunt again.

 

In three years because of this fitness and the brain's demand for endorphines I will look forward to canning tomatoes again & cooking again.

 

I will research healthy foods and demand that my husband grow them ( haha... I don't like to garden! ) and I will harvest all different colors of vegetables, dry the peppers, the (heathy) herbs and spices, and help my husband freeze the damn corn.

 

Because I will be so healthy I will feel energized to pursue anything I want. Like I might foster dogs until they find a new home. I might do some landscaping that includes a small retreat space that is cool and lush and has a water fountain in it. I'll go there to thank God for all of the above.

 

I could go on but I currently feel kind of greedy. :D

Fall 1995 xanax, zoloft. switched to Serzone

1996- spring 2003serzone/ xanax/ lightbox.

b]Fall 2003- Fall 2004? Lexapro 10 mg. Light box /4 mg. xanax.[/b]

2004 - Fall of 2009 10 mg Lex, 150 mg Wellbutrin XL % 4 mg xanax

November 2009- Sept. 2011 10 mg lex., 300 Well. XL, 4 mg Xanax [/b

Sept.2012- July 2012 20 mg Lex 300 Well. XL, 4 mg Xanax

My mantra " go slow & with the flow "

3/2/13.. Began equal dosing 5 Xs /day xanax, while simultaneously incorporating a 2.5 % drop ( from 3.5 mg/day to 3.4 mg/day)

4/6/13 dropped from 300 mg. Wellbutrin XL to 150 mg. Difficult but DONE! Down to 3.3 mg xanax/ day / 6/10/13 3 mg xanax/day; 7/15/2013 2.88mg xanax/day.

10/ 1/2013...... 2.5 mg xanax… ( switched to tablets again) WOO HOO!!!!!! Holding here… cont. with Lexapro.

1/ 2/2014.. tapered to 18mg ( by weight) of a 26 mg ( by weight) pill of 20 mg tab. lexapro. goal is 13mg (by weight OR 10 mg by ingredient content) and STOPPED. Feeling very down with unbalanced, unpredictable WD symptoms.

1/2/2014- ??? Taking a brain-healing break from tapering anything after actively tapering something for 1.5 years. So… daily doses as of 2/2/2014: 18 mg by weight Lex, 150 mg Well. XL, 2.5 mg xanax, down from 26 mg by weight Lex., 300 mg well. XL, 4 mg xanax in August, 2012. I'll take it. :) 5/8/14 started equivalent dose liquid./ tabs. 5/13/14 1.5 % cut.

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  • 1 month later...

Hi folks :)

 

I was just telling Strawberry about the Free Online 21 Day Meditation Session with Depok Chopra

and Oprah for bringing abundance into our lives.

 

You can sign in any time and go back to Day 1.

 

Alex in answer to your question...I see myself or want to see myself living in abundance which for me is successful - financially solvent - content with life - inner peace - a spouse.

 

Feeling rather empty except for worry at the moment.

 

Hugs

Intro: http://survivingantidepressants.org/index.php?/topic/1902-nikki-hi-my-rundown-with-ads/

 

Paxil 1997-2004

Crossed over to Lexapro Paxil not available

at Pharmacies GSK halted deliveries

Lexapro 40mgs

Lexapro taper (2years)

Imipramine

Imipramine and Celexa

Now Nefazadone/Imipramine 50mgs. each

45mgs. Serzone  50mgs. Imipramine

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  • 3 months later...

Today I choose my future self by what I don't want to become embodied by these three things:

 

1. A hypocrite

2. Dependent

3. Ashamed that this happened to me.

 

I choose not to be those and all will be good.

"Well my ship's been split to splinters and it's sinking fast
I'm drowning in the poison, got no future, got no past
But my heart is not weary, it's light and it's free
I've got nothing but affection for all those who sailed with me.

Everybody's moving, if they ain't already there
Everybody's got to move somewhere
Stick with me baby, stick with me anyhow
Things should start to get interesting right about now."

- Zimmerman

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Over withdrawal and some of my old self back. (I say some because I'm hoping I'm stronger and more resilient after this)

I hope to be volunteering again.

Maybe taking some classes?

 

It's tough to look out that far right now.

Started Fluoxetine Jan. 2010

Tried to go off of it in Sept. 2010

Weaned too fast and was back on it by Nov. 2010

Didn't work as good the second time around.

Started to wean again in Nov. 2011 and was off for good by April? 2012

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  • 2 weeks later...

Alex this was such a thought provoking subject and I really like and appreciate it. In a low mood it's hard for anyone to look down the road in 5 years time.

 

In a better, more cheerful mood the goals, wishes, desires are good to strive for.

 

Think and dream big. I like it. In the last three years my mom talks to me periodically (when I feel shot down)about hope, keeping the pilot light burning. I love these pep talks.

 

There is a book by Joel Osteen "I Declare". If you go to his FB page thousands of respondents

(in the comment bar) say some really terrific stuff and they begin with "I Declare......

 

Deepak Chopra's mantra is Peace, Harmony, Laughter, Love and Abundance (to be repeated through out the day in times of stress to remind ourselves of achieving these states of being in the present moment and for the future.

 

Hugs

Intro: http://survivingantidepressants.org/index.php?/topic/1902-nikki-hi-my-rundown-with-ads/

 

Paxil 1997-2004

Crossed over to Lexapro Paxil not available

at Pharmacies GSK halted deliveries

Lexapro 40mgs

Lexapro taper (2years)

Imipramine

Imipramine and Celexa

Now Nefazadone/Imipramine 50mgs. each

45mgs. Serzone  50mgs. Imipramine

Link to post

Nikki, when I'm in a bad place it's easiest to look 5 years down the road because time lets my imagination takeover. It's hard to picture tomorrow or next week being much different than today, but a lot can happen in five years. Who says that a whole bunch of good stuff won't happen? That's why I try to think out.

 

Have you ever noticed how fast five years goes by? That used to be such a long time! I mean five years ago I voted for Barack Obama in a primary! The economy was showing signs of cracking! Believe me, this feels like only yesterday sometimes! Sometimes, though, it feels like another life.

 

best,

Alex

"Well my ship's been split to splinters and it's sinking fast
I'm drowning in the poison, got no future, got no past
But my heart is not weary, it's light and it's free
I've got nothing but affection for all those who sailed with me.

Everybody's moving, if they ain't already there
Everybody's got to move somewhere
Stick with me baby, stick with me anyhow
Things should start to get interesting right about now."

- Zimmerman

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When I first wrote this original post, I thought about imagining the future. But I don't think I said what I wanted to say.

 

We've all been through an ordeal, something that is basically very unfortunate. There are some silver linings to be had, like in learning acceptance, but basically trauma sucks and eluding psychiatry in the first place beats to hell any sideline silver linings. I doubt I'm the only one who'd choose not to redo this to get the lessons.

 

Basically, where I'm at, is so now what? What do I want to do with my life which has been changed so much due to medical and pharmaceutical malpractice? I don't know if I will ever be 'normal' again, but putting that aside, what do I want to do my life after this? Assuming there is an after, where do I go from here?

 

Should I turn this experience into an occupation of sorts? Become some sort of advocate -- if there was a way to make a living doing that? Or do I put it behind me, like a soldier coming home or a felon being released, and make like it never happened to try to live a regular life?

 

When I talk of the future, everything circles around the question (and assumption I'll be somewhat healthy again) of what the hell do I do now?

 

Any thoughts from others?

"Well my ship's been split to splinters and it's sinking fast
I'm drowning in the poison, got no future, got no past
But my heart is not weary, it's light and it's free
I've got nothing but affection for all those who sailed with me.

Everybody's moving, if they ain't already there
Everybody's got to move somewhere
Stick with me baby, stick with me anyhow
Things should start to get interesting right about now."

- Zimmerman

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What do I want to do with my life which has been changed so much due to medical and pharmaceutical malpractice? I don't know if I will ever be 'normal' again, but putting that aside, what do I want to do my life after this? Assuming there is an after, where do I go from here?

 

...When I talk of the future, everything circles around the question (and assumption I'll be somewhat healthy again) of what the hell do I do now?

 

Any thoughts from others?

 

This.

 

This is what dogs my every waking minute. What do I do now? How do I construct a tolerable life from the stinking pile of ashes I'm left with?

 

There is no place in 21st-century America for a 50-ish, asocial, drug-broken woman who's been out of the workforce for 25 years.

 

I feel like I've spent most of my life on the outside, peering longingly through the window at all the happy shiny normal people.

 

It may not be much comfort, dear Alex, but you definitely have company on the existential merry-go-round.

 

Hugs. Sparrow

2009-2011: tapered off Trazodone, Namenda, Lamictal, Dextroamphetamine, Zyprexa; cold-turkeyed Pristiq; reduced Lexapro dose 50%.
On clonazepam since 2004, 0.5 - 1.0 mg daily PRN. Three failed (too rapid) partial tapers, 2010 - 2011.
Dec. 2011 - March 2013: Tapered off 0.5 mg clonazepam (Klonopin)

August 2013: Switched to liquid escitalopram (Lexapro) and began tapering from 10 mg.

January 2014: 4.5 mg escitalopram

March 2014: One year off benzos

May 2014: 3.0 mg escitalopram

June 2014: severe depression, updosed to 4.0 mg

Sept 1, 2014: 2.7 mg

Dec 7, 2014: Can't get below 2.5 mg without unbearable symptoms. Doing an extended hold (I hope)

March 2015: TWO YEARS POST-BENZO

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Picking up the pieces seems like it will be nearly as hard as anything. So much loss.

 

I'm glad you can relate. It is a comfort actually. Maybe that's not a comfort to you... ;-)

"Well my ship's been split to splinters and it's sinking fast
I'm drowning in the poison, got no future, got no past
But my heart is not weary, it's light and it's free
I've got nothing but affection for all those who sailed with me.

Everybody's moving, if they ain't already there
Everybody's got to move somewhere
Stick with me baby, stick with me anyhow
Things should start to get interesting right about now."

- Zimmerman

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  • Moderator Emeritus

I think this experience does cause existential angst because it often involves a kind of death of self, our old predrug self

 

We survive for long periods, not much else. But having survived means we are still here to ask the question what else

 

My answer to that is not yet formed but I think for me it means a smaller more peaceful existence Less striving.

 

I want to find joy in smaller every day things, make space for those things and secure them with less effort

 

That, to me makes the search for meaning more of a journey of exploration than a pressure driven project. I'm going to try new things, reach out to more people, study something. I've always liked studying stuff

 

I'm tired, I'm sick of forcing myself to do stuff and I don't want to be driven. That's my future, stepping off that road to be gentle with myself and respectful of my own needs

Please note - I am not a medical practitioner and I do not give medical advice. I offer an opinion based on my own experiences, reading and discussion with others.On Effexor for 2 months at the start of 2005. Had extreme insomnia as an adverse reaction. Changed to mirtazapine. Have been trying to get off since mid 2008 with numerous failures including CTs and slow (but not slow enough tapers)Have slow tapered at 10 per cent or less for years. I have liquid mirtazapine made at a compounding chemist.

Was on 1.6 ml as at 19 March 2014.

Dropped to 1.5 ml 7 June 2014. Dropped to 1.4 in about September.

Dropped to 1.3 on 20 December 2014. Dropped to 1.2 in mid Jan 2015.

Dropped to 1 ml in late Feb 2015. I think my old medication had run out of puff so I tried 1ml when I got the new stuff and it seems to be going ok. Sleep has been good over the last week (as of 13/3/15).

Dropped to 1/2 ml 14/11/15 Fatigue still there as are memory and cognition problems. Sleep is patchy but liveable compared to what it has been in the past.

 

DRUG FREE - as at 1st May 2017

 

>My intro post is here - http://survivingantidepressants.org/index.php?/topic/2250-dalsaan

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Barbarannamated

 

What do I want to do with my life which has been changed so much due to medical and pharmaceutical malpractice? I don't know if I will ever be 'normal' again, but putting that aside, what do I want to do my life after this? Assuming there is an after, where do I go from here?

 

...When I talk of the future, everything circles around the question (and assumption I'll be somewhat healthy again) of what the hell do I do now?

 

Any thoughts from others?

 

This.

 

This is what dogs my every waking minute. What do I do now? How do I construct a tolerable life from the stinking pile of ashes I'm left with?

 

There is no place in 21st-century America for a 50-ish, asocial, drug-broken woman who's been out of the workforce for 25 years.

 

I feel like I've spent most of my life on the outside, peering longingly through the window at all the happy shiny normal people.

 

It may not be much comfort, dear Alex, but you definitely have company on the existential merry-go-round.

 

Hugs. Sparrow

 

Right there with you. Even in the past several weeks that I've been a bit better, i have the overwhelming feeling that life is soooo long and going soooo slowly.

Pristiq tapered over 8 months ending Spring 2011 after 18 years of polydrugging that began w/Zoloft for fatigue/general malaise (not mood). CURRENT: 1mg Klonopin qhs (SSRI bruxism), 75mg trazodone qhs, various hormonesLitigation for 11 years for Work-related injury, settled 2004. Involuntary medical retirement in 2001 (age 39). 2012 - brain MRI showing diffuse, chronic cerebrovascular damage/demyelination possibly vasculitis/cerebritis. Dx w/autoimmune polyendocrine failure.<p>2013 - Dx w/CNS Sjogren's Lupus (FANA antibodies first appeared in 1997 but missed by doc).

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starlitegirlx

Right there with you. Even in the past several weeks that I've been a bit better, i have the overwhelming feeling that life is soooo long and going soooo slowly.

 

I've felt like this for a while now. It diminished before the tapering nightmare which I had no idea how bad it would be. But now, it seems too long. What do I need with all these years that I'm not really living. I accept my situation, but I still realize that it sucks. I look for ways to pass the days and when I think of the future, even when I'm eventually off this stupid benzo and hopefully with no protracted WD, I wonder what the point of it is since life will still be the same monotonous thing it has been for ages. Too slow. Too long.

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Barbarannamated

 

Right there with you. Even in the past several weeks that I've been a bit better, i have the overwhelming feeling that life is soooo long and going soooo slowly.

 

I've felt like this for a while now. It diminished before the tapering nightmare which I had no idea how bad it would be. But now, it seems too long. What do I need with all these years that I'm not really living. I accept my situation, but I still realize that it sucks. I look for ways to pass the days and when I think of the future, even when I'm eventually off this stupid benzo and hopefully with no protracted WD, I wonder what the point of it is since life will still be the same monotonous thing it has been for ages. Too slow. Too long.

 

Yes. This began years ago for me, also. Everyday is the same...weekdays or weekends, month to month, year to year. It all runs together.

Pristiq tapered over 8 months ending Spring 2011 after 18 years of polydrugging that began w/Zoloft for fatigue/general malaise (not mood). CURRENT: 1mg Klonopin qhs (SSRI bruxism), 75mg trazodone qhs, various hormonesLitigation for 11 years for Work-related injury, settled 2004. Involuntary medical retirement in 2001 (age 39). 2012 - brain MRI showing diffuse, chronic cerebrovascular damage/demyelination possibly vasculitis/cerebritis. Dx w/autoimmune polyendocrine failure.<p>2013 - Dx w/CNS Sjogren's Lupus (FANA antibodies first appeared in 1997 but missed by doc).

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starlitegirlx

 

 

Right there with you. Even in the past several weeks that I've been a bit better, i have the overwhelming feeling that life is soooo long and going soooo slowly.

 

I've felt like this for a while now. It diminished before the tapering nightmare which I had no idea how bad it would be. But now, it seems too long. What do I need with all these years that I'm not really living. I accept my situation, but I still realize that it sucks. I look for ways to pass the days and when I think of the future, even when I'm eventually off this stupid benzo and hopefully with no protracted WD, I wonder what the point of it is since life will still be the same monotonous thing it has been for ages. Too slow. Too long.

 

Yes. This began years ago for me, also. Everyday is the same...weekdays or weekends, month to month, year to year. It all runs together.

 

Precisely. It doesn't even feel like living. It's not like I even have anything special ever planned or that I look forward to doing. I just play video games sometimes and watch TV to make the time pass. Sometimes I choose to sleep. Before, I could go to the gym and that was something I enjoyed - weight training, uphill on the treadmills or hiking at the park. Those things are gone now with the WD. Too intense for me I think - might trigger worsening of WD. So I'm benched from those things for several years (three at least). So what's the point if I'm sitting around watching a box all day? Seems like a massive waste of time. And given my situation, not like I have tons of options. But I try not to think about it and keep distracting myself and hopefully I don't get bored or caught up in bad WD cycles. Kind of really bored now. Watching a TV show from three years ago and can't remember it too much. Just some key parts. And I watched the series twice. Brain must have been getting mushy from the meds.

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I feel like I've spent most of my life on the outside, peering longingly through the window at all the happy shiny normal people.

 

 

I feel like that often myself, but after many years of being a psychotherapist I know that those "happy shiny normal people" aren't what they appear to be.

 

A friend of mine who had been bereaved of his fiancee about a month before they were to be married once remarked to me that he looked at all the warmly lit houses on his way home from work and felt sad because of the cozy, loving scenes he imagined inside that he would never experience. I pointed out to him that chances were that behind those doors there was someone beating their spouse or children or both, someone getting falling down drunk, someone agonizing over divorce or a spouse's affair, someone dodging bill collectors and considering bankruptcy, et cetera, et cetera.

 

IMO, the mainstream media has led us to believe a lot of things that aren't true about people and never will be. Most people aren't happy most of the time. Life is tough.

Psychotropic drug history: Pristiq 50 mg. (mid-September 2010 through February 2011), Remeron (mid-September 2010 through January 2011), Lexapro 10 mg. (mid-February 2011 through mid-December 2011), Lorazepam (Ativan) 1 mg. as needed mid-September 2010 through early March 2012

"Never attribute to malice that which is adequately explained by stupidity." -Hanlon's Razor


Introduction: http://survivingantidepressants.org/index.php?/topic/1588-introducing-jemima/

 

Success Story: http://survivingantidepressants.org/index.php?/topic/6263-success-jemima-survives-lexapro-and-dr-dickhead-too/

Please note that I am not a medical professional and my advice is based on personal experience, reading, and anecdotal information posted by other sufferers.

 

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Now that I've contributed my sermon for today, I'd like to add that imagining where I'd like to be in three to five years is nearly impossible and it feels quite threatening. Withdrawal has changed me, causing me to see a lot of things in myself that I don't like, and leading me to question whether I care very much about the things that I thought I would do in retirement, like painting and sewing.

 

I have no goals for now and that in itself is really discomforting. For so many years I pursued creatively saving every penny so I could retire, never dreaming that my first year and a half of retirement would be spent terribly sick from antidepressant withdrawal. At this point I have few plans and those are only an event here and there, and unattractive things like getting my income taxes prepared and in on time. I've noticed that many people who are still working are so busy they don't have time to think about how their lives are going, and I was much the same way before I retired. Now I have all sorts of time to think about my life and it isn't a happy place to be.

 

Like several others have said, I do my best to get through the days with one distraction or another, hoping that some day I will again have a life.

Psychotropic drug history: Pristiq 50 mg. (mid-September 2010 through February 2011), Remeron (mid-September 2010 through January 2011), Lexapro 10 mg. (mid-February 2011 through mid-December 2011), Lorazepam (Ativan) 1 mg. as needed mid-September 2010 through early March 2012

"Never attribute to malice that which is adequately explained by stupidity." -Hanlon's Razor


Introduction: http://survivingantidepressants.org/index.php?/topic/1588-introducing-jemima/

 

Success Story: http://survivingantidepressants.org/index.php?/topic/6263-success-jemima-survives-lexapro-and-dr-dickhead-too/

Please note that I am not a medical professional and my advice is based on personal experience, reading, and anecdotal information posted by other sufferers.

 

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Barbarannamated

I am trying to adopt a new mindset. ~ that i am *retired* and not *disabled* ~ and live accordingly even though I'm living on half of my last income and have been since i was 40.

 

Topic for a different thread: what do all of the disabled/retired prematurely do ??

Pristiq tapered over 8 months ending Spring 2011 after 18 years of polydrugging that began w/Zoloft for fatigue/general malaise (not mood). CURRENT: 1mg Klonopin qhs (SSRI bruxism), 75mg trazodone qhs, various hormonesLitigation for 11 years for Work-related injury, settled 2004. Involuntary medical retirement in 2001 (age 39). 2012 - brain MRI showing diffuse, chronic cerebrovascular damage/demyelination possibly vasculitis/cerebritis. Dx w/autoimmune polyendocrine failure.<p>2013 - Dx w/CNS Sjogren's Lupus (FANA antibodies first appeared in 1997 but missed by doc).

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  • 4 weeks later...

Alex I like when I see this thread as I am browsing the site. I like to have thoughts of the future and how well it and I will be.

 

If I go to a place of thinking about being old and alone I freak. But most of the time it is a good vision.

 

Thank you for posting it.

Intro: http://survivingantidepressants.org/index.php?/topic/1902-nikki-hi-my-rundown-with-ads/

 

Paxil 1997-2004

Crossed over to Lexapro Paxil not available

at Pharmacies GSK halted deliveries

Lexapro 40mgs

Lexapro taper (2years)

Imipramine

Imipramine and Celexa

Now Nefazadone/Imipramine 50mgs. each

45mgs. Serzone  50mgs. Imipramine

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  • 1 year later...

Travelling - sampling food experiences places and writing about it

 

Vegan catering business

 

Living in intentional community

 

Setting up some sort of social enterprise

 

Becoming an advocate or something like that for people damaged from psychiatry

 

Apprentice with a shaman

 

Enjoying simple things again - being creative - actually having functional relationships

2000 - sertraline for job anxiety low confidence (17 years old) ..which turned the next 16 years into nightmare!

 

On/off sertraline severe withdrawals every time. 2014 - felt better as reduced dose of sertraline no more inner restlessness. Doctor rushed off again. Hit severe withdrawal. Lost the little I had in life. Couldn't get stable again on 12.5mg. Was switched to prozac. Had severe reaction to prozac..came off in November 2015 at 6mg as felt more confused and damaged on it..Even more withdrawal ..rage, depression, dyphoria, near constant suicidal ideation, self harm impulses, doom, concrete block in head, unable to do much of anything with this feeling in head..went back on 6mg of sertraline to see if would alleviate anything. It didn't..reduced from December to June 2016 came off at 2.5mg sertraline as was hospitalised for the severe rage, suicidal impulses, and put on 50mg lofepramine which in 2nd week reduced all symptoms but gave insomnia which still have..psych stopped lofepramine cold turkey..no increased withdrawal symptoms new symptoms from lofepramine except persistant insomnia which has as side effect.

 

Taking Ativan for 8 months for the severe rage self harm impulses 1-3 times a week (mostly 2 times a week) at .5mg. Two months (I'm unsure exactly when the interdose started to happen) ago interdose withdrawal seemed to happen..2 days I think after the Ativan.

 

 

Nightmare that could have been avoided!

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I just like to be well, ok with myself, my past (the reasons I was put on the ADs) in the past, living independently, doing a job I enjoy and able to travel.

Right now I'm in loads of pain, varying symptoms and seem to be sleeping and watching TV most of the days. I'm making progress with making my past stay in the past, but it's a long and painful process. I don't think I could cope with the process of putting past in past if I had to hold down a job and live independently, that's the only silver lining withdrawal has given me.

01/2006 Put on Prozac for anxiety and panic attacks 08/2008 Came off Zoloft after tapering don't remember taper, lost weight, felt like had cold constantly, very panicky, pain everywhere (misdiagnosed fibromyalgia), head funny.05/2010 put back on Zoloft03/2012 came completely off Zoloft followed Dr standard taper- no appetite, lost weight (0.5 stone), flu-like feelings constantly, pain everywhere, head funny, nausea, very panicky, very strong emotions etc Lost 1 stone.04/2013 improving. actually put on some weight and hungry most of the time. Still burning pain joints, stomach upset, headache/feel faint and emotions very strong. Chest very painful too.01/2014 improving still. Gained weight!! Still hungry. Still headache/feel faint and strong emotions and chest/shoulder muscles painful. Periods irregular and very painful. Very tired. Joints burn only if eat refined sugars. Started eating fruits again.03/2014 2 years off. Now intolerances developed to nuts and soya. Permanently hungry, Emotions strong but started healing psychological reasons I was put on antidepressants with therapist. Shoulder pain bad, heady often, very tired.06/2014 flu-like symptoms returned, many intolerances, stomach painful, skin crawling feeling, muscles painful, very emotional. :-((

09/2016 over 4.5 years off, no real changes in symptoms, still much pain, headiness, heart weird, digestion bad, hormones unbalanced, nausea yet very hungry, tired, flu like symptoms etc etc.

<p>taking - vit C, probiotics and digestive enzymesI have Aspergers Syndrome.

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