simplyme: I willl start somewhere, as you do ...

[simplyme]

Heylo folk,

Grateful to be here, on this massive learning curve of a journey, in the now, for today. At times this voyage seems so challenging I wonder what I'm doing, at others the determination for authenticity drives me....

 

I've only read a small part of your shared stories, feelings and experiences, feel there is such a lot to read, absorb and process here....

 

Not sure where to begin, so I'll just start somewhere, as you do. After getting off booze, antidepressants and mood stabilisers over the last few years. I have now begun tapering on the monthly antipsychotic injection, Abilify Maintena 450mg down to 300mg about 7 weeks ago, under advice from psychiatrist. Before I'd read the 10% recommendation here. Plan is to stay on this dose some 6 months, as Ive come this far, and allow my systems to reconfigure. I am also on Clonazepam 0.5 mg daily, and very occasionally Temazepam 5mg to sleep.

 

I began here with JanCarol and Brassmonkeys awesome success stories, the next thread I turned to was that on anger. Came up pretty fast for me, along with grief, trauma triggering, volume aka voices, misperceptions and some really distorted stories. I am finding developing a witness seems help full, yet can not always maintain such polite clarity. Lets just say the inner banshee hasn't been so inner. I lost it with my partner very recently, in a mirror maze of projection and raw verbals. It was a wake up call, another one. Today we spoke around this very gently and tentatively, as I had recovered  enough equilibrium to do so. I have noticed some patterns with this currently, like that from 4pm on especially, a semiconsensual reality tends to distort and morph into a tale that sees me defensive, protective and yes, the aforementioned experiences occuring. External triggers can also bring this on at other times. Between and betwixt there can be potential times for creativity and study, although my capacity to focus aint grand. My body is moving slow. I have cried more in this time than for years, but this feels like a clean emotion. 

 

Originally being medicated at age 22, Im now 51. Spooky. Abuse and trauma are present in my story. 

 

I am working with strong infusions of dried herbs, oat straw (Avena sativa) and stinging nettle (Urtica dioica), and drinking motherwort (Leonuris cardiaca) tea as a chillax aid. Also taking a shroom powder Lions Mane recommended for brain regeneration. I'm napping during the day as have the flexability to, and it organically began to occur. Im often awake round 3 -4am, I injoy the quiet, low stimulis energy of this time. Usually had enough by 9 -9.30pm. I find daily meditation and a specific mantra clears voices to a certain extent, if I let this go a few days I pay for it. I wear noise cancelling headphones a fair bit. Music supports.

 

Excuse if I've rambled, I just wanted to connect in some while I'm in a relatively calm state tonight....I feel pretty vulnerable doing so but there you go, part of the process....

Thanksgivings....

[hayduke]

Hi @simplyme and welcome

 

Are you on depot shots at the moment?

Can you please list your drug history in your signature for us?  Starts, stops, dosage changes and amounts.

I hope your jump from 450mg to 300mg hasn't been too challenging.  Encouraging that your psychiatrist supports your taper.  Are they open to the 10%/mo notion?  Many are way too ready to rush people off these drugs.

 

There is a lot of movement in recent years to handle trauma and abuse through therapy rather than drugging and it is now becoming mainstream and will ideally keep deprecating the medical model.  I was fortunate enough to find some of these more compassionate practitioners early in my taper and it was definitely key to getting off successfully, essentially allowing me to resolve the issues that had led to me being drugged against my will in the first place.

In general, noise cancelling headphones are the best value overpriced thing I can think of 🙂  Particularly if you find yourself in the city...ugh

[hayduke]

 

 

This thread covers trauma therapy in some detail at points

 

 

[simplyme]

Thanks @haydukefor quick response, n apt threads! Still absorbing, focusing to read not always the best....

Yes currently on depot shots.

Seeing Gp of 10 years asap as she has more recent records of which meds Ive been on n my tapering over time. Will then add to signature...

 

Been in therapy almost as long as on these meds. With the build-up-core and less re-entering trauma focus / the dive in and reconnect to its depths mode. I feel some of both, at a relatively slow pacing works best for me, at times though it will have its own pacings. I have an awesome therapist, we've been working on and around the ripples of trauma's effects some 2 1/2 years together. She works very somatically, and is open to my vibe on spirituality which could have, and has had, some others reaching for SSRIs. What do you mean the Earth and stars are sentient beings? Aaah you talk to plants? So, you call in spirit animals for support? Awesome such ways are becoming more accepted. We've done some really good work around reaffirming identity and solidifying my core, outside medical model diagnosis. I've found this has only been able to come in more recently. Trauma reliving / refeeling was so invasively present for many years, numbing was the coerced / pressurised strategy, also chosen, especially via alcohol. It does seem to arise with a life of it's own in the now with reduction, overwhelmingly when in distress. I can suddenly be caught scanning and with great mistrust, even of those closest to me. Related to this in the 'going back in time' thread. Connections with folk, realitys testing and honest communication crucial. Kindness and self care learning curves expanding.

 

Haven't had the opportunity to chow down with my allied psychiatrist about 10% ways as yet. Probably in about 3 months at next appointment....

 

Yep love my headpones....

 

 

 

 

[hayduke]

Cheers.  Please let us know how you get on - and please complete your drug history in your signature.
 

 

[simplyme]

Currently absorbing thread on neuro-emotions, thank you deep for the insights and honesty there. I related for sure.... 

Felt to share a story I recently wrote, along the lines of a traditional tale varied. The Tiger and Dove could be separate beings, or aspects within, it seems....

Tears coming again, but it feels ok to shed. Things have been tough....

 

The Tiger and the Dove

Once there was, and maybe there wasn’t, a friendship of quite varied proportions, sitting with difference, yet somehow threaded with similar. Betwixt a white Tiger and Dove. Well may you wonder at this, ponder its origins, and attempt to make linear sense of it. Probably with little luck….

For upon initial glance, the Tiger contained a great ferocity when forced from her place in the dappled light of shadow, sharp of intent, tooth and claw. The Dove large capacity in her abundant chest, for a gentility, mild cooing and peace of heart.

However, things may well be beyond what they seem. The Dove entrapped in a cage for human amusement, had called through her bars to the large feline that was branded with not dissimilar markings by nature.

“Coo…coo…. Please, Great Cat. Would you see if within you lies….. to release this door, open my world more….. create a space, where I can claim my sky place?”

The bigger of the two, sat back on her haunches, slightly made curious by the sass and lusting for freedom of one so small.

“Why, should I? What possible exchange could be wrought for such an offering?”.

The Dove replied simply, “A kindness never goes to waste.” She cooed appearing slightly inane.

This was not a language familiar, yet curiosity, a little potential for mischief to be wrought upon the species who had placed the Dove in her predicament, crept into the Tigers own stripe encapsulated heart. For she had no fondness for humanity’s habits. So with a rapid extraction of her claws, casual like, she shred the bindings of the cage door and Dove smartly flew free…. cooing thanks from a wise distance, but with honest gratitude, as she took to the air rhythmically….

Tiger rose, gathered her size about , and returned to the shadows of moon night from whence she had come.

 

Now, it just so goes, that some months, it may have even been years later. She Tiger, had a trouble all her own. A deep, thornlike splinter dug into the softness of her paw. The wood was sturdy and vengeful, infecting both limb and body with a deep rage which was bringing the creature internal suffering. Both physical and audible in her low growling endurances and utterances. She lay deep beneath the canopy, hidden from prying eyes, and indeed the vulnerability her situation could cause. As she faded betwixt liminal states of trance like poisoning, she thought vaguely to have discerned an echoing, mildy annoying flutter and coo….

“Come near and I shall swipe you with my personal razor-sharp weaponry” she growled low n severe in her pain.  

“That would be unbecoming indeed Great one...” the voice cooed, “For you appear to be in a cage, almost certainly more potent than the one from which you, came to rescue me so long ago…”

In her delusional state, still the Tiger was heat eased by a gentle wing breeze close to her throbbing paw, and throb it did. The cool relief, sharply pierced by a small beak tearing at her flesh with the accuracy and honed detail that once her claws had applied to a different binding. In a second, it was gone, the source and trigger of her pains. Where her vastness had been unable to conquer. The Dove pecked the pus surrounded wound without pause, and its mission was complete. The Tiger fell into a deep recovering sleep….

On a bough, high above. The Dove tucked her head behind her wing and also rested. For the encounter had required no uncertain courage and focused intention, plus keeping an observer’s eye upon those claws n teeth despite their slowed reaction time. She waited not too long and flew upon her ways….

The Tiger awoke, potential toxicity drained away some days later, and went to immerse herself in waters of final mending. There dipping and raising her head to swallow, by the edges, was the Dove.

Quite by accident, or so say some…

Their eyes met, despite their varied heights. The Dove, whilst readying for flight, for she was not fable simple, acknowledged the Tiger with a twist of her head and a sidelong examining glance, and could register the returned, contained vessel of fierce, held, calm.

“And so…” The Tiger spoke, relief and a tone of alchemical acknowledgement present…” It appears, we are both, now, free.”

“True. We have come through.” Dove said.

“Now we appear to have known each other, in the worst, and best of times.” Tiger replied.

No more was said, for it was not needed, and animals rarely speak as things stand beside. Yet, a friendship was struck like a tuning fork, and resonated in each. Enough so…

That on occasion, rare but seen. A Tiger, and a Dove, sat closer than familiar between their kinds. Conversing of a sound unlike a tune you will hear again…a gentle cooing sound, that generated from a peaceful yet not afraid of wounds heart space…a low growl, a protective tender embrace…. music of life’s transgressions conquered each in their own way, to return to a place of sovereignty. Still, and as is…...

 

 

[hayduke]

On 3/20/2022 at 10:25 PM, simplyme said:

I have an awesome therapist, we've been working on and around the ripples of trauma's effects some 2 1/2 years together. She works very somatically, and is open to my vibe on spirituality which could have, and has had, some others reaching for SSRIs. What do you mean the Earth and stars are sentient beings?

 

That's great you have a supportive therapist.  You could always direct any boring monotheists to https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Gaia if they think animist views are that outlandish.

 

On 3/20/2022 at 10:25 PM, simplyme said:

Trauma reliving / refeeling was so invasively present for many years, numbing was the coerced / pressurised strategy, also chosen, especially via alcohol.

 

Yeah, Pink Floyd wrote a song about it.  Drinking and self medicating are very common.  A trauma lens is liberating here, as it removes the naive notion of the self medicating being a discrete phenomenon and a character flaw, and puts it into a larger perspective of humane responses.

You might find Bessel van der Kolk's book The Body Keeps The Score helpful.  My therapist put me onto this and it really is vital work.  

I have done EMDR with her which has been the single most effective healing technique for trauma I could imagine.  I also find yoga very helpful and am climbing the walls a bit as I haven't been able to go for a few weeks now.

Thanks for adding your signature file.  Glad you are enjoying your writing, it is a great way to wrangle inner work.

Cheers

[simplyme]

Heylo @hayduke, folks...

 

Scuse belated reply, wanted to get some more time, and experiences along. Holding week 14 now, at 300mg monthly injection Abilify, last one just under a week ago. My Gp has agreed to support me with doing 10% reductions from now on, rather than 25%.

 

Yes'm comfortably numb eh, I do believe we take the best care of ourselves we can at a given time, with the tools we have. Also finding the suppression of experiencing emotions is indeed what is being undone with tapering, so up they come! Cried more in last few weeks, literally than for years...

 

I'm reconnecting to / discovering what Ill call the inner 'compass'. The ways we navigate in life, the worlds. The magnet which drives the true North arrow gets messed with and shamozzled by trauma / abuse / drugs (including prescription) and alcohol. In even our darkest times, somehow this compass can kick in and get us through potential dangers, it seems with a degree of hindsight. Picture my compass needle currently spinning and realigning. Thoughts, emotions, identity, the way I move through and interact with realms on all levels. Its a full on process. In the space of a few days I can be so overwhelmed that I draw all the curtains and can't engage except to just manage to paint on a canvas, listening to music to block volume of voices and order food to stock pantry online (I believe a well stocked pantry pivotal nourishment for this ride). Then two days later seemingly navigating social terrains and logistics, able to support others in small ways, and expressing views rather passionately. Some of the themes from when I first fragmented are resurfacing in the now, with some urgency. Feeling into Earth's health as reflection of dominant culture and paradigms attitudes. Painfull and confronting at times....

 

Working to focus on centering that magnet. I also find yoga really help full, I practice Yin yoga, where poses are held for a longer time 3-5 minutes, and gentler aka body supported by props, like bolsters and blocks. Utilise listening to music during. Totally get et the wall climbing when not in class @hayduke Breath work as resource. Want to develop a more sturdy home practice as I find it calms my nervous system and grounds. Issues in the tissues can pop up. Recently bought myself a cosy, into winter in Southern Hemisphere, hoodie, 'heavily meditated' with Ganesha, remover of obstacles screen printed on it. Popped small image of it down below, adding his vibes. May these practices flourish.....

 

Making music singing (nothing grand), harmonica....with my fella playing guitar, very healing n fun. Also have beautiful drum and rattles made with / by bestie, decorated with Reindeer, Sea Eagle, Black Panther and Motherwort medicine. Potent resonance. Sound is magix...

 

In last week Ive been able to return to study, concentrate for 1/2 an hour, take a break, refocus. Handed in my first assessment piece for  2 1/2 year online Herbology studies. These small victories, are keeping me going, sustenance....breaking it down...

 

Thanks for reading aka listening....

[hayduke]

Sounds like you've got a good set for the taper and healing work.  

I'm enjoying studying again too.  Gonna be a balance trying to make a living at the same time, Australia is rather cruel like this compared to most western countries, but the course is opening more doors and keeping my brain well lit 🙂

I'm still trying to take it easy as I recover from corona virus too, but feeling busier than I would choose.

Yin yoga is cool, Restorative is my favourite for CPTSD and WD symptoms.

 

Edited May 4, 2022 by hayduke

[simplyme]

Heylo All, thanks for reading, it's now the beginning of 2024, and I am still holding on the same dose of SSRI Apriprozole aka Abilify.

However, in the last year and a half I had to leave the rental property of 12 years Id lived in as the rent doubled overnight, and thus the whole community.

I moved to a new locale, taking a risk on a 6 month lease in a knockdown. Paid off in the end as the agents got to know me as a tenant and now am in longer term rental home.

My relationship of some 8 years ended. Then I had my first queer relationship which didnt gel and became quite unhealthy in a push pull pattern that required realigning and boundary setting. So major life stressors and yet Ive held ground amidst this, and developed some new tools. Clarified an emerging identity, something I've found a part of this journey....

I've also had an exhibition of botanical dyeing and illustration as the feature artist in a local artists co-op which was well received.

I have found the SSRI reduction led to insomnia pretty bad, and an upsurge of rage. Hence I took up wee hours bag and shadow boxing for a number of months. Cycling and walking. In the last week or so, this rage has shifted to sadness. A softening. These signs of grief make sense to me but some people in my life have interpreted them as ''symptoms'' and are pressuring meds being raised and hospitalisation. I now have a Gp letter saying I am neither psychotic, depressed or suicidal which I can pull out if needed. Spoken to local mental health team, and await return of psychiatrist I've been working with on  reductions on January 28th. I'm having to protect the work I've dome, despite it's slowness. My counsellor is onboard of 'this being life stressors not symptoms, as is the community nurse who gives me the injection of Abilify.

Any input appreciated, as I navigate forwards.......especially dealing with emotional distress levels, and ways to release or express them.

Thanks in advance, SimplyMe