Temporary1286: Clomipramine took away who I am

[getofflex]

I can understand why having your sexual ability be so damaged in the prime of your life, at age 24, would be extremely disappointing and frustrating.  You have only been off the drugs for a few months, it looks like just about 6 months off Anafranil, and then only 2 months off clonazepam.  Please don't write yourself off just yet.  I won't lie to you - these things take many months, and sometimes years, to recover from.  So you may very well have recovery from PSSD in the future.  Why not at least give yourself a chance before you decide to write if all off and decide to put at end to your life?  

 

Have you also considered the fact that even if you were in the unfortunate group to not recover from PSSD, that there are other things in life that can give you deep joy and fulfillment?  There are some religious people who choose a life of celibacy, like Mother Theresa, who found very deep joy in being loved by God, and loving God and other people back.  There are people in wheelchairs, like Joni Earickson Tada, who is a quadriplegic and has no sex life, but she also is a joyful and loving person in spite of her disability, and lack of sexuality.  These are famous people, but there are others who are not famous who manage to find ways to find fulfillment in life without sexual fulfillment.  Deep fulfillment can be found in loving and serving others, and in being loved also.  I don't mean to preach a sermon, I just wanted to try and help you see this from another perspective.

 

There is also the beauty of nature to enjoy.  There is art, music, theatre, movies, etc.  There is delicious food to eat.  There is spirituality, and having a relationship with God, and relationships with  friends and family.  Here is our forum for spirituality. 

 

Finding Meaning

 

My only point is, please don't give up on life yet, there are many ways to enjoy life, besides sex.

Edited May 24, 2022 by getofflex

[Temporary1286]

@getofflex I’m sorry, but I believe those sorts of things are the worst thing you can say to a person with PSSD. A life without my sexuality is a life not worth living. It never will be. I think this is easier said than done, especially if it’s coming from a person who has not experienced this (I’m not saying you haven’t, I don’t know of your situation).

 

It’s far deeper than what it may seem. It delves far deeper than just erectile dysfunction.

 

I will never be able to cope with this, and the reason why PSSD is such a big issue is because your sexuality goes far beyond just the desire to have sex, feel lust, etc. It’s your chance to have a family, to feel love, to experience the only real magical feeling life has to offer, etc.

 

I’m sure people like @cosmo86, @Avicii, @Parisien, @Fairsome, @Jakob66 and more would completely agree with me.

[canaanstongue01]

46 minutes ago, Temporary1286 said:

I will never be able to cope with this, and the reason why PSSD is such a big issue is because your sexuality goes far beyond just the desire to have sex, feel lust, etc. It’s your chance to have a family, to feel love, to experience the only real magical feeling life has to offer, etc.

 

I’m sure people like @cosmo86, @Avicii, @Parisien, @Fairsome, @Jakob66 and more would completely agree with me.

as someone who is going through the same thing you are, i gotta say that i don't fully agree with you. yes, sexuality is a fundamental part of being alive, but it is not the "only real magical feeling in the world." 

 

more importantly, you're waaaay too early in your recovery to be jumping to any conclusions about your ability to heal. are there people who don't recover? yes. but they are a small number. there are recovery stories on this site and there are lots of people out there who went through it without finding a message board to post on. you weren't on the drugs that long. give it some time. i was exactly where you are now for months--life wasn't worth living, thought about suicide constantly, tried a couple of times. you gotta find ways to get out of your head man. the more you fixate, the worse off you will be.

[Temporary1286]

@canaanstongue01

 

I would agree with you that sexuality is a fundamental part of being alive. Unfortunately I am unable to live without it. It is not the only issue I am experiencing.

 

I was on anti-depressants for quite some time. I was poly-drugged last year but forget the pills I took before Clomipramine. I will admit none of them caused anything similar to this. I agree with you that it’s too early to make any conclusions, hence why I won’t make any of those decisions until next year.

 

I have been trying to stop fixating, but it isn’t easy with ruminations and OCD. I usually read, watch movies, walk, or play video games. I also limit my time spent on websites like these, and try to limit the amount I post or respond.

Thanks for your message.

 

[Roserdl]

As long as six months seems right now, there are many many people who healed in time.  I have experienced improvement in this area after a few months and was totally numb.  I know the despondent never get better feeling well.  Most every success story does too!  I was just crying I will never be happy again because my emotions aren't all restored but I could have said all my symptoms never would go away by many did.  Much easier to see hope in other people.  I suck at patience too.

[Altostrata]

Advise members not to engage in a big pile-on argument over nothing. This site is not the place for that, and we will issue warnings for it.

 

@Temporary1286 many of our members with PSSD have the same fears you do. Sadly, nobody has an instant remedy for it. While you allow gradual recovery, it may be best for you not to dwell on expectations for the way you should be and learn coping skills for your probably temporary condition. @Onmyway kindly took the time to explain a different perspective.

[Temporary1286]

@Altostrata Thanks for your message.

 

For anyone who is experiencing something similar and has seen improvement or even recovery, I guess I have just one question when or if that person ever happens to wander upon this post.

 

Is it even worth it waiting years and years if I have not seen any change in five months? Is it worth the suffering and pain of losing my youth to hopefully recuperate one day? I know I won’t ever be able to accept my circumstances, so I find myself in this catch 22 of asking this question quite often.

 

Anyways,

thanks.

 

Temporary

[Onmyway]

Hi @Temporary1286, 

yes, it is worth waiting. 

This obsession with PSSD is also part of withdrawal. There are people who lose limbs/sight/sexual feelings/speech/ability to care for themselves that adapt to life and achieve the same level of happiness that they had before an accident happened to them (plenty of research shows this). To do that though they need to change their attitude and accept their circumstances. Your situation is temporary. It will get better. How you get through this will depend on you. Whether this breaks you or makes you stronger depends solely on your attitude right now. 

 

Your asking about reassurance is also part of OCD-like symptoms which many people get in withdrawal even if they never had it before. Reassurance though does not help because OCD is a bottomless pit (personal experience) so you need to refrain from asking the same question (it will just make you more upset regardless of what we say and we have said plenty reassuring things already). I will also stop answering and will ask others to stop as well repeating the same reassuring refrain as it actually hurts you (look up reassurance seeking in OCD). Stop trawling the internet about stories of recovery - you will keep getting yourself upset because you will keep focusing on the few people who are also obsessed about this and ignore all the ones who have told you they recovered including me and Alto and others. 

What would help right now is distraction - do things that used to give you joy even if they don't give you joy now. Give your body a year and in that time leave it alone - stop checking for whether the PSSD is gone, stop wondering what will happen, how life will be if this didn't change etc. If in 1 year things haven't changed then you can take the next action that you want to take whatever that is. In the meantime, live your life. I am sure that there was/is more to your life than just sex. 

 

I will say this again - whether this will break you or make you stronger will depend entirely on your attitude! 

Edited May 25, 2022 by Onmyway

[Temporary1286]

@Onmyway 

 

I agree with a few points.

 

My only real outlet of support is here. As I said above, most I speak with think I am a lunatic, people here are all lunatics, quacks, etc. 

 

I don’t see a harm in waiting.

 

Unfortunately I know I would never be able to find happiness should things not atleast improve, but there is no harm in waiting I suppose. I think this definitely adds anxiety.

 

I think it’s time I distance myself from the internet. You might not hear from me for a while.

 

And yes, while there was more to it then sex, when you have a difficult time feeling emotion or feelings of any kind, it doesn’t make it easy.

 

All the best.

[Onmyway]

On 3/22/2022 at 11:50 AM, Temporary1286 said:

have taken anti-depressants before, and quite a few last year in an attempt to find one that worked. None of them caused anything like this upon ceasing them, but all of them had ED related side effects whi

When you get back to the forum, pls fill this in your signature. It's important for us to know. Your symptoms make more sense with this information. It's not surprising that you're not seeing quicker results as this means longer psychiatric drug usage and frequent changes which make your nervous system more dysregulated. You'll still heal but may take you longer to see windows and waves. 

 

OMW

 

[Altostrata]

5 hours ago, Temporary1286 said:

Unfortunately I know I would never be able to find happiness should things not atleast improve

 

This is a self-fulfilling prophecy. Suggest you seek psychotherapy or other counseling to explore the ways you might be hurting or hindering yourself.

[Temporary1286]

Why would that be a self fulfilling prophecy? I think everyone wants to see improvement, especially when it’s affected their quality of life so negatively.

 

I don’t want to live life without the things I cherish most. I shouldn’t have to because I sought help from a psychiatrist and wasn’t properly informed of the dangers of “medication”. I shouldn’t have to learn to live this way either. I understand where you’re coming from, but I think it’s a bit of a defeatist attitude.

 

I personally don’t think anyone should accept the fact that they feel this way after taking a “safe” drug. It will perpetuate the cycle endlessly.

[Temporary1286]

I am now doing my best to distance myself from forums or even general interest in all of these things.

 

I do in-fact plan hopefully to see a therapist next week.

[Temporary1286]

@Altostrata
 

Maybe I misunderstood your message.

[Altostrata]

If you want to believe the worst, feel free to do so. Same if you want to spend your time elsewhere.

[Temporary1286]

@Altostrata

 

I do believe I misunderstood your message, so I would like to apologize.

 

I agree with you that seeking out therapy and trying to shift mindset towards more patience and hope would be beneficial.

 

I think the most I am able to do is simply report the doctor or situation to the CPSO, but I am trying my best to at-least spread word about the dangers or risks of the medications.

 

Thanks for your message, Alto.

[Temporary1286]

Does someone like me, who was poly drugged and given an insane amount of pills last year even have a chance at some form of recovery? I am beginning to highly doubt it.

 

In the beginning of the year I was given ECT while taking Sertraline or some other anti-depressant. Following that I was then put on a ring of drugs throughout the year for a “low-mood”. These ranged from SSRIs to SNRIs to Tryciclics. I was also given Clonazepam and an anti-psychotic to “augment” one of the anti-depressants.

 

This is absolute insanity and cruel to do this to someone who was looking for relief from depression. I know it might seem helpful to tell everyone that “things will get better” but I’ve yet to see an example of someone poisoned to this extent to ever recover or heal to a significant extent.

 

I’m growing extremely tired, can’t function in any capacity, and believe I am drawing close to the end of it all. Today marks about seven months since ceasing all anti-depressants, and five since ceasing Clonazepam. I’m exhausted, and losing my mind being bed bound and in complete agony everyday. Before I am told to get up and get moving, I try consistently every single day before breaking down and returning to being horizontal.

 

No, this is not “OCD” reassurance seeking, but someone asking if anyone who had a similar situation eventually found any sort of peace and healing.

 

it is absolutely sick and inhumane to do this to someone, let alone someone who wasn’t psychotic, delusional, paranoid, or non-functioning. It would be sick and inhumane to do this to anyone.

[Onmyway]

https://www.survivingantidepressants.org/forum/28-success-stories-recovery-from-psychiatric-drug-withdrawal/

 

[ChessieCat]

Shep

 

GiaK

 

JanCarol

[JanCarol]

The timelines you are looking at are likely longer than you are able to see right now.    If you were drugged for years, why do you expect to be well in months?

 

The horizon is a distant thing, that no matter how quickly you walk - it is always in the distance.

 

Time is what you need right now.  Time & stability.  You were on drugs as recently as a few months ago - and I can't tell from your sig - you CT'd?  Are you still on them?

The sporadic - taking, then not taking, then taking again - extends the time it takes to heal.

 

Cold Turkey (CT) means your healing will be as sporadic as the changes in the drugs you've been on.  Each system has to heal at it's own rate - and when you CT, it means it's all systems at the same time instead of sneaking away from the drugs.

 

I wrote about this elsewhere as "Roadworks:"
 

Quote

I really like Bubble's phrase:  "Brain is closed down for repairs."  I'd like to expand on that a bit - parts of your brain are closed down.  Imagine very complicated road works with about 25 intersections coming together.  This week, the traffic lights are shut down, and you need a cop to manage the intersection.  When that is repaired, well, maybe they need to re-do the shoulders, so they can divert traffic onto them for later when the lanes are being repaired.  Then there's the repairing of the lanes - it doesn't all happen at once.  Sometimes they need to rip up the old tarmac, change all the drainage routes, relocate the services for electricity and plumbing, get down to the foundation, and re-grade it, lay new gravel, then steel rebar, pouring concrete foundation, then laying the asphalt.  Sometimes you will go for 5 months, and the road is still closed, but you can't see what they are doing to it!  Each phase requires time to set and dry.  Then you can paint the lines on it, and go to another part of the intersection - perhaps one of the other incoming roads needs the same treatment.  Perhaps there are exit ramps and roundabouts and flyover lanes that need repair.  Each of which takes time.

 

Now imagine the millions of networks in your brain healing - they don't just, "heal" and be done.  It's a construction process, like Bubble was saying.  Road works for the brain. 

 

Just my way of saying, be patient with yourself.  It might be the tarmac this week - but the lines aren't on the road and you're disoriented.  Maybe the signals are crossed at the intersections, or the signs are removed or there are detours.  Be gentle with yourself, be patient with yourself.  It's a complex process, and the gentler you are, the more easily you will heal.  It does no good to shake your fist and yell at the construction guys while they are doing their work!  So just wave (lol, wave!) at the worker, declare to yourself, "This is yet another symptom of withdrawal," and drive carefully past the obstacle.

 

Be kind to yourself.  This will take time.  A taper helps slow down the road works so that traffic (brain / neurotransmitters / nervous system) is the least disrupted.

 

Sex is one facet of human life, and PSSD will improve as long as you stop fiddling your neurotransmitters (or letting your doc do so).  You are in the time of holding - of staying still, of enduring the hard parts.

Learn what works for you.  What makes you feel even a tiny bit better?  Each tiny 1% is still improvement.

 

I hope you see the sun today.

 

 

[Roserdl]

You weren't on the pulls that long.  You can heal

[ChessieCat]

@Temporary1286

 

We haven't heard from you for a while.  There are members of SA who would like to know how your are.

[Shep]

For those who have been following Temporary1286's story, he posted earlier today. However, his posts were not approved and his account has been banned. 

 

We wish Temporary well, but we must prioritize keeping this site a trauma-informed space.