DazzlingCold: 20 years on AD

[DazzlingCold]

On 8/10/2022 at 12:26 PM, Mdawg said:

I hope you get better soon, sending you healing vibes as well 💜

Thank you!

[DazzlingCold]

Slept 9 hours last night

Date: August 10, 2022

 

sick since 8/7/2022

 

7:30am woke up 

 

8am nap

 

9:30am, breakfast, nigella oil, wellbutrin 32mg, lexapro 6.8mg, mucinex, work

 

1:00pm lunch, Wellbutrin 37mg, full dose of prenatal multivitamins, mucinex

 

 

6:00pm dinner, fish oil 1300mg, vitamin D, nigella oil, wellbutrin 32mg, zyrtec 9mg, montelukast 9mg, mucinex, ibuprofen

 

9:30pm bed, probiotics 15million, mag glycinate 300mg,

 

 

Drinking trace minerals with water all day.

 

No elevated moods since last reduction on 6/8/22.

 

Cycle day 2 

 

Sick, feverish and tired all day

Been sneezing a lot. Not sure if it’s because I changed the time I take Montelukast and Zyrtec from am to pm.

[DazzlingCold]

On 8/10/2022 at 12:08 AM, Ariel said:

Hello dear @DazzlingCold

 

 

Just noticing this, so sorry to hear you're sick with Covid. 

Sending hugs and healing vibes, get well soon ❤️

 

Thank you!

[DazzlingCold]

Has anyone experienced a lot of sneezing and unrelenting runny nose after changing antihistamines and/or Montelukast (Singulair) from morning to night?

It’s keeping me up at night. I’m Trying to figure out if it’s covid or the change in time I take my meds. 

[Onmyway]

Hi @DazzlingCold,

So sorry to hear you have Covid. It seems more reasonable that this is due to Covid though you'd have to wait until the bug is gone to be sure 

 

Hope you get better very soon

OMW

 

[DazzlingCold]

7 hours ago, Onmyway said:

Hi @DazzlingCold,

So sorry to hear you have Covid. It seems more reasonable that this is due to Covid though you'd have to wait until the bug is gone to be sure 

 

Hope you get better very soon

OMW

 

Thank you

[DazzlingCold]

Slept 4 hours last night

Date: August 12, 2022

 

sick since 8/7/2022

 

7:00am woke up 

 

8am nap

 

10:30am, breakfast, nigella oil, wellbutrin 32mg, lexapro 6.8mg, work

 

1:30pm lunch, Wellbutrin 37mg, full dose of prenatal multivitamins

 

6:30 feeling down and sad

 

 

7:00pm small dinner, not hungry, fish oil 1300mg, vitamin D, nigella oil, wellbutrin 32mg, zyrtec 9mg, montelukast 9mg,

 

9:30pm bed, probiotics 15million, mag glycinate 300mg,

 

 

Drinking trace minerals with water all day.

 

No elevated moods since last reduction on 6/8/22.

 

Cycle day 2 

 

Sick, feverish, our of it and tired all day

Been sneezing a lot. Nose burns from blowing it. Haven’t had energy to check mail, get groceries or mop, hygiene is lower… and that’s ok (i have to keep reminding myself it’s ok). Im still not too dirty and neither is my place haha. Going to order groceries through delivery because I want to eat more vegetables. 

 

Feeling down because my mom has COPD and from what I read she has it pretty seriously. It was sad to realize the way my parents live now that they are older. Their mobility is very limited. dad has a lot of back pain. Mom has to use oxygen all day, and sometimes she goes to work without it which caused her consciousness changes due to deprived oxygen and she scratched 3 cars. The neighbor stopped her and didn’t let her go to work-thank life for him. 

 

They are both incontinent. My mom has thyroid issues and both take a ton of medications. Their eyesight and energy is poor. They eat fast food or out all the time. They don’t move or socialize much and live in a two story house. 

 

My dad has always been very inflexible and avoids change and decisions. I think because he feels paralyzed and overwhelmed. Either way, years ago when my mom was getting ready to sell the house so they could go to a 1 story house, my dad didn’t want to and didn’t help her (so typical of him). Im so angry because the older I get the more I become aware of how my dad never carried his, and the family weight, at least equally with my mom. And they both stayed in a marriage they can’t be happy in. They aren’t abusive with each other (although my mom yelled at my dad a lot and my dad stonewalls a lot so I guess they are abusive. 

 

Anyways, he made my mom stagnate, as usual, and now that their quality of life could be a little better by at least moving in to a one story place, they are too old and fragile to do it. I am very angry lately and I feel anger thinking of how alone my dad has left my mom. My mom has her faults too but one thing she does is fight and work for what she wants and makes things happen. I will give her that any day.

Now, I see my mom having trouble putting a diaper on because she is overweight, older and in pain. Her room is full of stuff my dad hoards, making it a hell of a place to live on. He has been so disrespectful to her in that way. Their room is suffocating and depressing and I know it bothers my mom A LOT. Needless to say, their room isn’t the neatest or cleanest as they cannot move to pickup things easily, or see well and at this point they probably don’t even care. I don’t blame them. 

 

My mom continues to carry all the weight while my dad sits oh so passively being cared for. I just can’t! No one can be happy in that dynamic! And honestly, my parents marriage and my moms abuse have made it hard for me to believe that a good marriage is possible or that it will last being happy. This fear is one of the reasons I am 38 and ran away in fear when marriage was a possibility. And he was a great, proactive guy. We had a very healthy relationship. 

 

Im just rambling about things that make me angry and sad. Bc im emotional but also bc im out of it bc im sick. I am grateful, however, that I have picked up, learned, become aware of my own trauma that has led to relationship (or lack of) issues, and just in general how I relate to life. I can pinpoint a lot of cognitive distortions, toxic and healthy beliefs and dynamics quick. 

 

Back to my parents… the way they live is sad. I kept begging my mom to not try and “help” us with needless things but that if she really was trying to help, to help me by saving and planning for their old age. They didn’t. I am so angry. I can’t take care of them financially and half the time im so tired that i reserve my energy for my own essentials. (I may sound like an ungrateful witch and im ok with that. I am trying to experience all my feelings and not just the acceptable ones because all our feelings and thoughts are just human. )

 

My sister and I talked to them because we don’t believe they can live, decently, by themselves anymore. And they can have better life quality if they aren’t by themselves. They aren’t that old but they just haven’t taken care of themselves in decades. I don’t how we are going to proceed for aire but I can expect my dad to not do anything about anyone or himself and I should just let it be. But it affects my mom too and my mom wants better. 

 

I don’t believe children are responsible for their parents. It’s one things to want to care for them but my dad forgot he had daughters when I turned 18, and my mom can be so toxic I have to avoid her. It’s very conflicting. But the more we are prepared for when their time comes to pass, specially my mom as my sister and I suspect it will come sooner than we think, the less painful it will be for everyone. Reading about COPD life, death has me very sad for my mom. I wish I could help her have a more peaceful, pain free death than the average COPD person. So far we have discussed thinking about hospice for when the time comes. 

 

We talk a lot about death at home and I am grateful my mom has taken the initiative to plan for their deaths as much as possible (incineration, burial/niche place, funeral and a lot of the costs associated with death). I want to do the same because the people that stay behind have a lot of grieving to do and by preparing, my mom has (and I can) make it a little less stressful and painful.
 

[DazzlingCold]

Slept 8 hours last night

Date: August 17, 2022

 

7:00am woke up 

 

8am nap

 

9:30am, breakfast, nigella oil, wellbutrin 32mg, lexapro 6.8mg, work

 

11am hard to focus all day, tired, workout

 

1:30pm lunch, Wellbutrin 37mg, 1/4 dose of prenatal multivitamins

 

5:30pm dinner, fish oil 1300mg, nigella oil, wellbutrin 32mg, zyrtec 9mg, montelukast 9mg,

 

9:30pm bed, probiotics 15million, mag glycinate 300mg,

 

 

Drinking trace minerals with water all day.

 

No elevated moods since last reduction on 6/8/22.

 

Cycle day 8

 

Out of it, congested, indifferent, and tired all day since I got covid on 8/7/22. Could be WD too. Reduced wellbutrin on the 6th or 7th. 

I feel as if there is stuck energy in me (but not like my body feels energetic. More like something inside is bothering me and it’s not clearing) and I feel frustrated and confused and can’t find relief.
 

Had cofee and energy drink today to get me through the dat and to workout. It helped a little. I feel more balanced but still tired, lethargic, 

cognitive very slow, still indifferent. Im living almost in automatic right now although i am able to do basic things but mu brain feels so tired. If it’s not a covid thing, its definitely the lowering of dopamine and norepinephrine  …. Most likely both. I didn’t have to take melatonin to sleep early last night, on the bright side. 

 

I am hoping that changing the time, and lowering the asthma med (singulair/montelukast) and zyrtec help my cognitive issues. Been thinking about doing a 20% reduction every month, instead of 10%. I will see how things go with this last Wellbutrin, Montelukast and zyrtec reduction in the next couple of weeks before deciding. If anyone has more experience trying to taper AD and antihistamines and asthma meds, I’d love to hear some feedback. 

[Ariel]

@DazzlingCold

Thinking of you.

How is the covid? 

Please treat yourself gently and give yourself lots of rest and tender loving care. 

 

On 8/18/2022 at 3:55 AM, DazzlingCold said:

No elevated moods since last reduction on 6/8/22.

 

Is this referring to escitalopram reduction?

 

On 8/18/2022 at 3:55 AM, DazzlingCold said:

Reduced wellbutrin on the 6th or 7th. 

 

Did you reduce the wellbutrin right before you discovered the covid?

 

On 8/18/2022 at 3:55 AM, DazzlingCold said:

I am hoping that changing the time, and lowering the asthma med (singulair/montelukast) and zyrtec help my cognitive issues. Been thinking about doing a 20% reduction every month, instead of 10%. I will see how things go with this last Wellbutrin, Montelukast and zyrtec reduction in the next couple of weeks before deciding.

 

A longer hold sounds like a good idea.  

Covid is stressful on your body, and you also made a wellbutrin drop at the same time.

Have you also lowered your allergy/asthma meds since then?

Please be careful <3

Remember that the body perceives such changes and illness as stress, and the cumulative stress can catch up with you. 

If I were you I'd consider a longer hold at this point to give my body a break after covid and multiple dose changes. 

 

On 8/18/2022 at 3:55 AM, DazzlingCold said:

Out of it, congested, indifferent, and tired all day since I got covid on 8/7/22. Could be WD too.

 

On 8/18/2022 at 3:55 AM, DazzlingCold said:

Had cofee and energy drink today to get me through the dat and to workout. It helped a little. I feel more balanced but still tired, lethargic, 

cognitive very slow, still indifferent. Im living almost in automatic right now although i am able to do basic things but mu brain feels so tired.

 

It seems to me that, overall, you are reporting increased fatigue.

Do you mean that the workout helped a little, or that the coffee and energy drink helped a little to get you through the day and workout?

Have you considered doing less for a while to prioritize rest?

I don't know what it's like to be you, only you are in your body. 

I'm just wondering whether it might be prudent to let go rather than push through. 

I wish I could make you (vegan) soup and tuck you in!

I trust you are being kind to yourself and listening to your body <3

 

Hugs and healing vibes <3

A.

 

[DazzlingCold]

On 8/19/2022 at 12:57 AM, Ariel said:

Thinking of you.

How is the covid? 

Please treat yourself gently and give yourself lots of rest and tender loving care. 

Thank you @Ariel! I got back to work last week. I am still very congested and tired and lack motivation. Not sure if its the last reduction of Wellbutrin or covid sequels. Trying to be kind. Thank you for the reminder. Hugs to you

[DazzlingCold]

On 8/19/2022 at 12:57 AM, Ariel said:

Is this referring to escitalopram reduction?

I am alternating meds for reduction. Esctitalopram then wellbutrin then escitalopram and so on. But since I started the second reduction after April, I have not experienced elevated moods. Im sure the AD were causing hypomania.

[DazzlingCold]

On 8/19/2022 at 12:57 AM, Ariel said:

Did you reduce the wellbutrin right before you discovered the covid?

Like a day before or the day off, yes

[DazzlingCold]

On 8/19/2022 at 12:57 AM, Ariel said:

A longer hold sounds like a good idea.  

Covid is stressful on your body, and you also made a wellbutrin drop at the same time.

Have you also lowered your allergy/asthma meds since then?

Please be careful ❤️

Remember that the body perceives such changes and illness as stress, and the cumulative stress can catch up with you. 

If I were you I'd consider a longer hold at this point to give my body a break after covid and multiple dose changes. 

Yes, I lowered asthma and antihistamine meds by 10% around the time I got covid and reduced wellbutrin. Been wondering how the synergy of all this may be affecting body. Thanks for the feedback. 

[DazzlingCold]

On 8/19/2022 at 12:57 AM, Ariel said:

@DazzlingCold

Thinking of you.

How is the covid? 

Please treat yourself gently and give yourself lots of rest and tender loving care. 

 

 

Is this referring to escitalopram reduction?

 

 

Did you reduce the wellbutrin right before you discovered the covid?

 

 

A longer hold sounds like a good idea.  

Covid is stressful on your body, and you also made a wellbutrin drop at the same time.

Have you also lowered your allergy/asthma meds since then?

Please be careful ❤️

Remember that the body perceives such changes and illness as stress, and the cumulative stress can catch up with you. 

If I were you I'd consider a longer hold at this point to give my body a break after covid and multiple dose changes. 

 

 

 

It seems to me that, overall, you are reporting increased fatigue.

Do you mean that the workout helped a little, or that the coffee and energy drink helped a little to get you through the day and workout?

Have you considered doing less for a while to prioritize rest?

I don't know what it's like to be you, only you are in your body. 

I'm just wondering whether it might be prudent to let go rather than push through. 

I wish I could make you (vegan) soup and tuck you in!

I trust you are being kind to yourself and listening to your body ❤️

 

Hugs and healing vibes ❤️

A.

 

Aaww @Arielyour messages come at such an adequate time. You are the sweetest. I usually wonder if exercising is pushing too much or not, actually as its good for us but also puts some stress in our bodies. I have been feeling so unmotivate

d, indifferent, frustrated, angry that I have lowered the frequency of workouts but it makes me wonder if its I feel that way because I am not moving as much. Lol it’s hard to figure things out so I can choose what will yield the most benefits. 
The energy drink helped me workout and the workout helped me change my state if mind for a while. During WD, working out doesn’t help as much or for as long. Makes sense though. But maybe that doesn’t mean I need to do more. Maybe I need to do less. Im very confused since this last reduction and covid so your thoughts are helpful. I appreciate you!

[DazzlingCold]

Slept 3 hours last night probably because I had Sudafed yesterday morning. woke up at 7:15am today. Had more coffee than usual today to stay awake but stopped caffeine consumption at my regular time (2pm) to be able to fall asleep asleep early. Haven’t napped and can’t sleep. 

[DazzlingCold]

Eventhough my days seem to get better since my last reduction in that I am able to have more windows were I feel less stuck, confused, angry, frustrated, anxious, I have realized how the quality of my life has decreased continuously with each reduction. Im going to look more into protracted WD. I am experiencing multiple mood swings during the day that are hard to hide. 
 

i want to hide them so people don’t ask what’s wrong and because im self conscious about appearing crazy. I feel more stressed about this at work because I used to be noticeably happy and pleasant and i have become serious, anxious, withdrawn and moody. AND i work with two ladies who have very toxic behaviors/habits which make the work environment hostile. Feeling like hiding my experiences (mood swings) feels like resistance and doesn’t help. 
 

Also, my friends have noticed my withdrawal from them. Eventhough, my closest friends know what I am going through, I don’t believe they understand as much empathy as they try to give. I get it. This makes me feel lonely but I am also uninterested in socializing except with my sister and even then, i make plans one day and the next I am having a bard time existing and don’t follow through. There’s a lot of shame around the inability to commit or follow through eventhough my family (mom and parents) understands and are still there. I have dropped workouts to once per week and have experienced a lot of irritability and low tolerance when around others. Fear at night keeps me, at times, from up even when my body is tired. I wake up feeling unrested. 

 

also, A co worker points out all my mistakes (which are a lot because cognitive decline is very real) as of she was trying to manage me. She says that she likes to mess with me bc im easy to mess with. WTF?!? I get so upset when people say that because I have struggled with feeling so inferior that I didn’t feel worthy enough to set boundaries. And they come tell me it’s easy to mess with me??? I get very triggered. It is never ok to mess with people no matter how easy we may feel it is. I feel incapable, attacked and angry. I already told her I didn’t appreciate her constant negativity after she made a negative “joke”. Ive been to therapy, and given therapy, enough time to pinpoint micro aggressions hidden as “jokes”. No ma’am, not here. She did better today. I want to change jobs though because of the two toxic co workers I have to work closely with. I know tapering exacerbates stressful experiences but I know I’m also struggling because of the current work environment.
 

At times, I feel like the bad part is over and then it’s not. And im starting to wonder if I am experiencing inter dose WD or its just WD mood wings. I will monitor that. I have been tempted to take hydroxyzine for anxiety or sleep but haven’t touched it often at all. I struggle to do basic things more now and have been pushing myself maybe more than to just meet basic needs. I experience a lot of obsessive thoughts and ruminations including holding grudges. The things I like have reduced in number and quality of pleasure. Having to sit with frustration, wanting to stop my thoughts so i can feel rested and not being able too, and experiencing non proportional feelings to events, to wanting to get distracted but not achieving it has been the toughest along with the many very abrupt and unpredictable mood swings that don’t allow for clear decision making and a sense of consistency. 
 

I will be holding at this dose for at least another 2 weeks before assessing were I am at and I am thinking of going down by 5% instead of 10% in case that what I am experiencing is PAWS and all kinds of WD overlapping. I believe for those who haven’t jumped with meds as much as I did, or that took them for less time the beginning of taper is a lot easier. Don’t get me wrong, the fact that I can function even at a minimum is something I am grateful for. But I need to keep it that way. This  taper has become more of an issue about making it as less bad as possible and not about doing it in the least amount of time possible. 
 

lol to think I once focused on the length of time if would take as if we got a trophy and a big fat check for that 😝. What does taking a short time have to do with anything anyways? This has made me think about how our reaction yo most things to want to do things fast has no foundation or purpose lol. Im appreciative for this lesson. This is about the quality of life I have as I withdraw from these ADs, not about how fast I can do it. 

 

[Soup]

@DazzlingCold good for you still working that’s amazing. Give yourself a lot of credit for that . Yes I think slower is better for sure . Please be kind to yourself this is tough stuff . 
Hugs

[DazzlingCold]

2 minutes ago, Soup said:

@DazzlingCold good for you still working that’s amazing. Give yourself a lot of credit for that . Yes I think slower is better for sure . Please be kind to yourself this is tough stuff . 
Hugs

Thank you! 

[DazzlingCold]

Has anyone that reads this tried Lions Mane during WD or anything at all that helps their cognitive abilities? Flavonoids?

[Soup]

I have looked around the site for any helpful tips for constipation . It is getting quite bad and I am quite worried . I have been trying the general things but not getting any real help or relief . 
It feels like my digestion shut down . 
If anybody has any ideas I would greatly appreciate it . 
I have been to the doctor and got the usual advice . 

[Ninabird]

Swiss Kris on Amazon. It’s amazing!

[DazzlingCold]

On 8/28/2022 at 4:44 PM, Soup said:

I have looked around the site for any helpful tips for constipation . It is getting quite bad and I am quite worried . I have been trying the general things but not getting any real help or relief . 
It feels like my digestion shut down . 
If anybody has any ideas I would greatly appreciate it . 
I have been to the doctor and got the usual advice . 

I have read that vagus nerve stimulation excercises help with digestive motility. Haven’t tried myself but also read vagus nerve stimulation or excercises help the parasympathetic nervous system, which we can all benefit from during WD. 
My sister had issues with digestive motility at some point and she used the tense machine on her stomach a lot. she said it helped some.

[DazzlingCold]

I’ve been thinking a lot if tapering is really worth it. Will I be experiencing zero drive, constant anger, constant disregulation, not doing much with my time, living managing my energy to just survive. AD kept me disregulated in a different way, through dissociation. By distancing from myself, feelings and thoughts I was able to deal with them better. I

AD gave me a sense of agitation in a weird way. But 5 years ago, when Trintellix worked and I worked out regularly I gained my life back. Unfortunately this f****** meds poop out and a small minority really help. 

I am going to hold where I am at in AD and I will be doing a 2 month cycle (1day on, 2 days off protocol) of psilocybin with niacin and other neuroprotective substances around Sep 13. Also, I will take lions mane, and ganoderm extract most days throughout the 2 months. I will be journaling and reporting my experiences in case others find it helpful even for research purposes. I know it’s not recommended but I will see how it goes day by day. I did consult with a licensed neurosurgeon in Mexico who is familiar woth AD use and is open to psilocybin therapy. I will be under his care through this cycle. Dr suggested mindfulness, wim hof breathing every day which I will do in the am, 150 min of aerobic excercise per week,  eating bananas, nuts and res fruits (they contain neuroprotective substances) some awareness and emotional/mental managing techniques to get the most of these fungi therapy as in itself it’s not a cure but a strong tool (that may not help all but i am willing to give it another try being that the products im getting are homogeneous and under the care of a Dr.) I feel hopeful about responsible use of psychedelics. 
 

I practiced wim hof breathing yesterday and it helped me feel more present and alert without feeling anxious. 

[DazzlingCold]

I have been feeling indifferent but relaxed for 4 days in a row. Ive had mood swings but mostly indifferent and relaxed. At times I feel like I can just be. Im comfortable in the now but also overwhelmed when busy. It’s been easier to re direct myself to not worry or be everywhere except where I am at. 
A friend is getting a little upset about me isolating but too bad if she can’t see im struggling and this is what I need at times. I explained it to her and I hope she can respect it. I get mad by how others take it personal when it’s not about them. Im struggling here and trying to do my best. Does this friend want me at her place in pj’s, not showered, angry, quiet or uncomfortable? Come on, they have to see the other side too. My alone time has been beneficial to me. Its been years since I’ve done things for myself by myself like I am doing now. A friend cant be happy for another person when they see they are doing what they need to do even if that doesn’t include them?

 

 

Anyways, i wanted to write about how weird all this WD is in every way. At times I feel exhausted but I don’t look it. Sometimes my perception of time changes. At times in the middle of an interaction I feel overwhelmed and want to go home. Other times I feel peacefully indifferent and somewhat detached but relaxed- as if I was high. Light sensitivity changes from day to day or hour to hour. Some days I sense certain people as being aggressive and others as being peaceful.
 

I have noticed that while I was on higher dose of AD, I perceived the teachers I worked with as sad and now they all seem happy. This makes me feel sane because I think if my perception of reality was really distorted maybe id perceive people’s states and moods according to my own experience, and not objectively. It’s been an interesting experience, this life. I don’t remember being sensitive to these things without being affected by them before. When I feel more disregulated, however, others” aggressiveness, for example, is all consuming and at times I have confronted people in a way that may not be most appropriate, but I am human WD or not. PMS has not been so bad this past week though. I think maybe I’m stabilizing. 
 

These times when I feel peacefully lazy and indifferent, I feel a richer, stronger inner life that give me a sense of safety. I almost want to meditate focusing inside, sense my body, listen to whatever arises, as I have the ability to these times. At times, the “shoulds” pop into my head. “I should be working on that paint with a number piece I got”. “I should” “I should” “I should”. Sometimes i cannot shut it up and rest because if I stop to attempt, my mind goes on by itself. Other times I explode, cry, and say f*** it! Im done! And the calmness comes. And like a wave, this seems to be a cycle that only varies in time and intensity. 
 

I am curious to see how the rest of the taper goes. Ive only done 3 “more decent/slower” reductions since April, although I am now taking 1/3 of the meds I did a year ago. It’s going to be a long journey now though because I am not doing more than a 10% reduction every 4-6 weeks. I actually thought of doing a 5% reduction every 2-3 weeks and see if I can avoid burning bridges with friends and work by confronting things that may have been able to be handled by just removing myself from situations in a calmer way. 
 

I will be holding at my current AD doses indefinitely. 

[DazzlingCold]

Report on week 1 of microdosing psilocybin (1 day on, 2 days off schedule), taking lions mane and reishi morning and night with 1 day off per week. (All other meds and supplements as stated in my signature)

 

Still tired and not waking up rested. Having to drink at least 2 cups of coffee to keep awake- reishi may be contributing to tiredness as it relaxes me.

 

Still feeling indifferent, low motivation, low desire to socialize most tomes, low desire to workout as im so tired most days

 

Seeing some small improvement in the following areas:

 

-Thoughts have slowed down

-Able to not get so stuck with obsessive thoughts

-Able to move through feelings and thoughts more gently 

-Able to see outside of me instead of constantly being in my mind

-Feel and behave more regulated during events that would have stressed me too much since I started tapering March 2022.

 

Reishi relaxes me A LOT. I will only be using it at night from now on. 

I journal every day to see how I am being affected, mainly by psilocybin days on and off. Will continue to do that.
 

Ive read most benefits are felt after 2 weeks of use. I will see how it goes. I plan on doing this cycle of mushrooms for 2-3 months only and then stop to integrate some more and see how/if they helped short and long term. 

[Thorin]

Hi @DazzlingCold just read your thread. You’re working really hard at this. Well done! Please keep updating us 😊. Thanks 

[DazzlingCold]

Hello, so my intro has been tagged with “psychedelic” tag so I want to share my current experience. 
i have yet to update my signature through a computer to show where I am at in AD dosage, but I am at 6mg lexapro and 96mg wellbutrin IR. A year ago I was on 20mg Lexapro and 300 wellbutrin XL. Im not suggesting anyone tapers off this fast as my harshest AD reductions have been the worse hell. Needless to say, Everyone chooses and decides how we each go about tapering and WD. 
i have used psilocybin microdosis (a bit of a larger microdose -.18g- since SSRIS block psilocybin) on a 1 day on, 2 days off schedule for about 3-4 weeks at a time. I have taken breaks of months between microdose cycles so far and I work on journaling, healing music, and other practices and set silent time apart to allow for integration of psilocybin. Integration is HUGE. 
When I did the biggest reductions of AD at the beginning of this year, I don’t know if microdose helped as waves happenned alot and didn’t know what to attribute what to. I do think it did induce anxiety though in the short term. 
After 2 rounds of microdoses and breaks between use of psilocybin, I did a macrodose. What an experience! I understood certain things. I cried in a way that feelings left my body with amazing ease. I laid down and connected to what is real (you had to be there). Psilocybin is a great teacher that guides you to heal in the form of integrating, letting go while you are conscious. I was able to see a bigger schema of things. 3 days after, I can share that I have slept like I haven’t in years. Anxiety is low considering PMS. My sense of connection to myself is stronger. I can see the gift of troubles as they have brought growth. I have learned to better accept our humanity. The fact that we experience negative feelings and I have taught myself (and will continue to do so) to sit with them (goodby clonazepam!) and the more I do this, the more ease I navigate positive and negative experiences. Shrooms and AD have helped a ton. Every time I have done a reduction of AD, I have experienced exponential growth spiritually and emotionally. I have found purpose in the pain of WD. (Don’t get me wrong though, I don’t always feel grateful for the bad times but I feel gratefulness more often and more acceptance of negative experiences which ameliorates things but they still happen.)

3 days after the macrodose, I am still feeling benefits and started another reduction to continue tapering. 
 

As is typical of me, I experiment a lot. I did so for 20 years with AD and I continue to do it as I taper AD and try to find healing. im not saying it is good or bad because both have come from this. This is just how I choose to live my life. I am here in this life to experiment. I will see how long this macrodose effects last and if they help me taper faster. Every time i reduce AD I have done it differently… 5% of each AD (as I take 2), 10% of 1 and the next month 10% of the other, I have taken 4-8 weeks between reductions. Every time is different. I do it differently as I learn what works best for my body. 
 

I researched a plan to taper off AD to 0mg, with the help of psilocybin, and eventually do ayahuasca as the final step as I know people that have done that and have not had a hellish time during WD nor have they returned to AD. I may do this in the long term future, not now. I am not sure. I will continue to report any experiences with psychedelics for those who want to read about my very personal experiences. (I don’t take responsibility for what others choose to do with my experiences I share as that is not for me to own because i don’t have the power to choose for others, nor do I want to lol).

 

IMPORTANT: I have implemented practices to help my healing and to continue to learn how to best cope with life and to not just cope but thrive. I have done counseling, CBT, inner child work, reparenting, shadow work, LOTS of self CONSTANT compassion, read dozens of books on trauma, psychology and spirituality, improved my diet, increased self awareness, continue to work on all practices mentioned above. I have learned to sit with myself, to change my self talk to a loving one as I experience thoughts of self esteem. I have tried multiple alterantive therapies and books about consciousness. Ive done courses to uncover subconscious beliefs. Etc etc so I don’t want to rely on only substances to help and would like to live eventually with as less of then as possible. Lucky for me I LOVE anything learning, growing, psychology and spirituality and the solitude from WD has sucked but accepting I don’t want to go out or clean or bathe as often and give myself permission to be ok with what I can do and surrender to indifference proven beneficial in my spiritual growth. Being positive about ll this but will report more for anyone who cares to read

 

hugs and healing to all

[Thorin]

I’d like to read so please keep posting. You should look into Wim Hof breathing. I find it helps with sitting with discomfort. 

[DazzlingCold]

19 minutes ago, Thorin said:

I’d like to read so please keep posting. You should look into Wim Hof breathing. I find it helps with sitting with discomfort. 

Will do

thank you

[Thorin]

Hi DazzlingCold. Still going well?

[DazzlingCold]

On 12/3/2022 at 11:22 PM, Thorin said:

Hi DazzlingCold. Still going well?

Hello @Thorin! Adding my update below

[DazzlingCold]

Update on my report of a macrodose of psilocybin while tapering off Wellbutrin and Lexapro. It’s been 1 week since I macrodosed 5.8g of psilocybin with a delta 8 gummy (can’t remember the dosage). All is well. Last week also, I lowered lexapro from 6.5mg to 6mg. Still not feeling WD from that but it may be too soon.

 

PMS was way more maneagable and im on prednisone for asthma for almost a week. Prednisone usually makes me irritable, doesn’t let me sleep, makes me restless and anxious. It has affected me in that way but sleep and anxiety and irritability have been less. Considering I was also PMSing and in WD from general taper, i did well. I have slept better overall. I feel a little closer to calmness and its easier to get there. I have been seeing some issues more clear which have touched on anger. Ex: have realized my mom being manipulative about x so I feel angry. 
Aside from this plant medicine offering a view of life that is different and possible, offering insights, and a connection to our divinity during the ingestion, I’d say it’s still healing my nervous system and current state.
1 week after macrodose and all is well. 

i have to add that the more spiritual I grow (like woo woo spiritual) the less I see depression and WD or anything bad as something to avoid. The more I sit with my feelings- like I literally just sit there with curiosity for them, including lack of interest and overwhelming anxiety, the more I also see the medicine in the negative experiences. When we feel good its great. When we feel bad it’s an opportunity for growth. Resisting it, avoiding it by calling it depression, changing meds every so

often , and believing humans aren’t meant to experience it made it all worse for me. We are cyclical beings!!!!!! Getting rid of the belief that this “high” happiness was how I HAD to feel always started to become so exhausting that i’ve had to surrender. So while I wouldn’t say I laugh more, or like the things I used to, or jump in joy, or even stop feeling low self worth at times, it has gotten MUCH BETTER navigating all the feelings and experiences. This feels more peaceful and sustainable. It’s like a path that won’t kill me while I try to obtain the unteachable. And in the long run, I think this too, helps heal my nervous system. 
 

we are ways changing and loosing interest in things we once enjoyed may be painful, but when we become ok with the ebbs and flows of life knowing it is always for our best is freedom!!

 

 ❤️ 🙏🏼 

[DazzlingCold]

2 minutes ago, DazzlingCold said:

It’s like a path that won’t kill me while I try to obtain the unteachable

It’s like a path that won’t kill me by trying to obtain the unreachable. (Chasing the proverbial carrot or playing in the rat race)

[Thorin]

14 minutes ago, DazzlingCold said:

Update on my report of a macrodose of psilocybin while tapering off Wellbutrin and Lexapro. It’s been 1 week since I macrodosed 5.8g of psilocybin with a delta 8 gummy (can’t remember the dosage). All is well. Last week also, I lowered lexapro from 6.5mg to 6mg. Still not feeling WD from that but it may be too soon.

 

PMS was way more maneagable and im on prednisone for asthma for almost a week. Prednisone usually makes me irritable, doesn’t let me sleep, makes me restless and anxious. It has affected me in that way but sleep and anxiety and irritability have been less. Considering I was also PMSing and in WD from general taper, i did well. I have slept better overall. I feel a little closer to calmness and its easier to get there. I have been seeing some issues more clear which have touched on anger. Ex: have realized my mom being manipulative about x so I feel angry. 
Aside from this plant medicine offering a view of life that is different and possible, offering insights, and a connection to our divinity during the ingestion, I’d say it’s still healing my nervous system and current state.
1 week after macrodose and all is well. 

i have to add that the more spiritual I grow (like woo woo spiritual) the less I see depression and WD or anything bad as something to avoid. The more I sit with my feelings- like I literally just sit there with curiosity for them, including lack of interest and overwhelming anxiety, the more I also see the medicine in the negative experiences. When we feel good its great. When we feel bad it’s an opportunity for growth. Resisting it, avoiding it by calling it depression, changing meds every so

often , and believing humans aren’t meant to experience it made it all worse for me. We are cyclical beings!!!!!! Getting rid of the belief that this “high” happiness was how I HAD to feel always started to become so exhausting that i’ve had to surrender. So while I wouldn’t say I laugh more, or like the things I used to, or jump in joy, or even stop feeling low self worth at times, it has gotten MUCH BETTER navigating all the feelings and experiences. This feels more peaceful and sustainable. It’s like a path that won’t kill me while I try to obtain the unteachable. And in the long run, I think this too, helps heal my nervous system. 
 

we are ways changing and loosing interest in things we once enjoyed may be painful, but when we become ok with the ebbs and flows of life knowing it is always for our best is freedom!!

 

 ❤️ 🙏🏼 

This is great to hear. Sounds like you’re immersing yourself in ‘be calm and curious’. I like it. Please keep updating. I’m curious to see whether the positive effects of the psilocybin wear off over time and you need to redose. Also, 5.8g? That’s a massive (heroic) dose. Did you have someone sitting for you?

[Thorin]

Hi @DazzlingColdjust checking in. Wondering whether you’re still seeing the benefits of the trip and how your taper/ WD are going?

[DazzlingCold]

Hello, 23 days later after the macrodose and having started another cycle of microdosis and lowering 10% of 1 of my meds I can say I have challenging times and experience a lot of triggers in the form of anger but still feel a better connection to myself and a general

sense of love for life. I am showing myself love and acceptance through all feelings and experiences and listen to myself more. I pursue the things that make me happy. These are things I’ve been practicing for a while but they are becoming easier. I meditate and listen to solfeggios almost daily. I make sure to close my eyes and focus on feelings of gratitude and love and I make sure to say what I love and what im grateful for out loud when I’m by myself. When I al feeling better I make sure I thank life out loud for the challenging times as they bring growth. I thank life for helping me increase my trust in myself and life. I thank life for having my back. I thank life for strong emotions because they bring me back to my body to communicate something with me and they usually bring the deepest, most revelatory, information on what needs love and healing. 
 

My worse rays are still PMS and best are ovulation days. Im getting better at surfing the changes. I have gotten better at seeing things more objectively and in general feel more satisfaction in life. This helps see things with more purpose even when in a horrible state of mind. Sometimes I don’t want to socialize or have a huge drive to do certain things but I don’t feel depressed. I feel peaceful overall. When Im down I don’t push myself too much to do things that don’t resonate and when I feel better I have a higher drive and take care if things. Flowing learning and using my mood and hormonal cycles has made things easier for me. I don’t feel the anxiety with the microdose now a days. Still taking reishi and lions mane about 5/6 days per week. I can say so far, all is good ❤️ 🙏🏼 ✨ 

 

(taking 6g of Lexapro and 96mg wellbutrin- still need to change signature)

 

How are you doing @Thorin?