Relieving Panic About My Health

[alexjuice]

This may sound bizarre and unlikely to help others. Still, I will share something I stumbled upon which settles me down when I feel doomed, that I will never be okay, that this will never end.

 

I read a lot of health forums. On health forums and bulletin board type sites, inevitably people post in severe distress. Fearing for health is one of the mot potent forms of distress, I'd wager.

 

I find these posts, the ALL CAPS, fear-run-riot posts very soothing. As I read them I find myself feeling more comfortable in my own skin. Other people freaking out about their health, just generally, actually calms me down.

 

I think a couple of reasons for this is that 1, I tend to be conflict avoidant. When people around me start to get hostile, scared or irrational I respond by becoming very serene, rational and focused in on my calm. Usually, I am on some health site because I am starting to panic. The hyper arousal of others, snaps me back to a place where I can recognize my own unhealthy over arousal.

 

Reason 2, I've been dealing with the noise of fear for a long time. In w/d ups and downs for two years. My experience has been roller coaster. There have been easy stretches, then there have been horrific crashes. I am pretty experienced at being frightened by now. When I read the panic of others, often these others are panicked because they have just learned of a diagnosis. Naturally, they react with irrational fury. It doesn't matter the diagnosis even. I read posts from people who have cellulite or cold sores or cancer... And they've learned there is no easy fix and have not yet come to accept it.

 

When I see others in this first stage, it reminds me of my own first stage. When my withdrawal was so bad I didnt interact with anyone but a few people, up for days on end, in pain, and really scared because I hadn't yet found good information online, hadn't found any online community, and I went to doctors who had no clue what was wrong with me. Was I crazy?

 

To see others in Stage 1 gives me no perverse pleasure. It's not that I enjoy that they're panicked.

 

It simply calms me down and helps me refocus my perspective. I get to realize how far I've come in developing my coping skills. I feel gratitude that I am no longer in stage 1, ruled by a total darkness about the causes and frightened and hopeless.

 

I have a lot to be unhappy about. I rarely feel grateful. Only through others can I see my situation in context and feel grateful that, however bad things be, at the least, I am not stuck in the dark terrors of stage 1.

 

Inadvertently, I've found that observing scared people helps put my fear in perspective. If this sounds weird, well, it might be. I've noticed it helps center me.

 

I read through all sorts of ailments on earthclinic.com for instance or simply google a health topic and browse the boards.

 

Whatever works to keep me going.

[Nikki]

Inadvertently, I've found that observing scared people helps put my fear in perspective. If this sounds weird, well, it might be. I've noticed it helps center me.

 

I think most of us experience this. When I read posts, my first reaction is compassion. I want to soothe or allay that person's fears and when someone is so down, for some reason I may be up. I can look back and remember how it all feels. You know, the fear.

 

There is a validation aspect for me too. I know I am not alone.

 

Alex I have never experienced to this extent the feeling of being 'the only one' from getting off drugs. Divorce didn't cause this type of alone feeling. It's why companionship from these site is sooo important.

 

Hugs

[Rhiannon]

Interesting, Alex!

 

I think I may have experienced some of this. Especially on the benzo boards, where there's a lot of panicking. Unfortunately, for me it's mixed with a tendency to reinforce my own "fight or flight" reaction, which does more harm than good.

 

I do find it reassuring, though, to read posts from people who've experienced the same kinds of losses that I have and are feeling the same anger and frustration and grief about those that I am.

 

So maybe it's just where the focus is...

[Barbarannamated]

I agree with all said, Alex. I also relate to the triggering of panic (anger for me, also) and fight or flight response, although i freeze (adrenal failure/Addisons).

 

Im not as afraid of losing my life as I am of keeping my life but losing my mind. I feel like I've been on a slippery slope at times throughout withdrawal and losing touch scares the h*** outa me. The grasp has been tenuous at times - a delirium of sorts. I never experienced anything like it before or during drugs. I'm sure pharma could spin that to me *needing* drug.

[peggy]

i don't have that kind of response - anxiety for me is a fairly new thing - withdrawal seems to have awakened a sleeping giant!

I do feel empathy because i can relate to how the person feels, but i also think - is that going to happen to me!!!! I take on board someone else's experience as if it is gospel and if i have something in common, then my experience will surely be the same

 

it keeps me from reading too much when i am anxious

[Nikki]

I guess it's a mixed bag. Barb I woke up this morning thinking exactly what you expressed. Living life with-----whatever it is that consumes us. In your case it is the adrenal failure. In my case it's anxiety.

 

Peggy, for myself I had anxiety big time before meds. The WD process and whatever effect the ssri's have on the nervous system does "wake up a sleeping giant."

 

Hugs

[Skyler]

Peggy, for myself I had anxiety big time before meds. The WD process and whatever effect the ssri's have on the nervous system does "wake up a sleeping giant."

 

Well said Nikki.. sometimes anxiety which existed before withdrawal gets lost because withdrawal has such an amplification effect, but we risk bypassing our strengths when the lose site of the chronology.