Maxine: I might be over-reacting but I'm struggling

[Maxine]

Firstly, in the quickest of glances over other people's topics, i feel that my struggle is unworthy of any complaining and that I should just leave this site... BUT, i know that every struggle is worthy of support. My struggle and symptoms may be different to others, but it is still painful and each hour of each day is hard work.

 

My signature provides a VERY brief history, but as we all know, there is soo so sooooo much that i could tell, that we all could tell, that makes us the unique people that we are (with our unique responses and reactions). My wish is to have a place where i can share my story and then be told exactly what i need to do to end this suffering! HA!

OK, really, Im looking to this site to see if i can find some support and maybe some advice, to either normalise what i am experiencing and give me some hope, or to provide some strategies for how to cope with what i am struggling with.

 

the questions i ponder on a daily basis...

1/ is this withdrawal or relapse

2/ how long will this last

3/ is what i am doing the best thing i could be doing? or is there something else i could try?

4/ when do i give up (and go back on AD's)

[Altostrata]

Welcome, @Maxine

 

Your pattern is that of withdrawal syndrome. It's very unlikely that after 23 years, you would have relapsed. Your brain and body are completely different now. 

 

How's your sleep?

[Maxine]

hi altostrata

My sleep is ok, its no different to normal

it was bad for about a week at the 4 week mark but has normalised again

 

i have noted a significant improvement in mood over the past 3-4 days, possibley partly due to my connection with my naturopath and integration of some energetic self management strategies?

 

Max

 

 

 

[Altostrata]

What we see here is that withdrawal syndrome very slowly fades, with lots of setbacks, over months. Since you have seen some improvement already, this is likely to continue as long as you don't upset your nervous system again. Treat it gently. You should avoid alcohol, antibiotic and steroid treatments (if you can), artificial additives, overdoing exercise, extreme heat or light; eat fresh foods, minimize sugar; keep regular hours to preserve your sleep.

 

See 

 

The Windows and Waves Pattern of Stabilization

 

Are We There Yet? How Long is Withdrawal Going to Take?

 

"Is it always going to be like this?"

 

The importance of recognizing you're feeling good

 

Creating a new self after withdrawal

 

Protracted Withdrawal or PAWS (post-acute withdrawal syndrome)

 

Progress! What withdrawal symptoms have gone away for you? 

 

Withdrawal dialogues & encouragement

 

Please let us know how you're doing as you recover, this helps other people!

[dirtvoid]

On 6/13/2022 at 11:39 AM, Maxine said:

Firstly, in the quickest of glances over other people's topics, i feel that my struggle is unworthy of any complaining and that I should just leave this site... BUT, i know that every struggle is worthy of support. My struggle and symptoms may be different to others, but it is still painful and each hour of each day is hard work.

 

My signature provides a VERY brief history, but as we all know, there is soo so sooooo much that i could tell, that we all could tell, that makes us the unique people that we are (with our unique responses and reactions). My wish is to have a place where i can share my story and then be told exactly what i need to do to end this suffering! HA!

OK, really, Im looking to this site to see if i can find some support and maybe some advice, to either normalise what i am experiencing and give me some hope, or to provide some strategies for how to cope with what i am struggling with.

 

the questions i ponder on a daily basis...

1/ is this withdrawal or relapse

2/ how long will this last

3/ is what i am doing the best thing i could be doing? or is there something else i could try?

4/ when do i give up (and go back on AD's)

just want to say your story matters, your struggle matters, and that you matter, you are very welcome here to share whatever is going on for you as you heal. I hope that connecting with others in your situation helps you.

[Maxine]

thank you Dirtvoid

and congratulations for being 100% psych drug free!!!

[Maxine]

11 hours ago, Altostrata said:

What we see here is that withdrawal syndrome very slowly fades, with lots of setbacks, over months. Since you have seen some improvement already, this is likely to continue as long as you don't upset your nervous system again. Treat it gently. You should avoid alcohol, antibiotic and steroid treatments (if you can), artificial additives, overdoing exercise, extreme heat or light; eat fresh foods, minimize sugar; keep regular hours to preserve your sleep.

 

See 

 

The Windows and Waves Pattern of Stabilization

 

Are We There Yet? How Long is Withdrawal Going to Take?

 

"Is it always going to be like this?"

 

The importance of recognizing you're feeling good

 

Creating a new self after withdrawal

 

Protracted Withdrawal or PAWS (post-acute withdrawal syndrome)

 

Progress! What withdrawal symptoms have gone away for you? 

 

Withdrawal dialogues & encouragement

 

Please let us know how you're doing as you recover, this helps other people!

 

11 hours ago, Altostrata said:

What we see here is that withdrawal syndrome very slowly fades, with lots of setbacks, over months. Since you have seen some improvement already, this is likely to continue as long as you don't upset your nervous system again. Treat it gently. You should avoid alcohol, antibiotic and steroid treatments (if you can), artificial additives, overdoing exercise, extreme heat or light; eat fresh foods, minimize sugar; keep regular hours to preserve your sleep.

 

See 

 

The Windows and Waves Pattern of Stabilization

 

Are We There Yet? How Long is Withdrawal Going to Take?

 

"Is it always going to be like this?"

 

The importance of recognizing you're feeling good

 

Creating a new self after withdrawal

 

Protracted Withdrawal or PAWS (post-acute withdrawal syndrome)

 

Progress! What withdrawal symptoms have gone away for you? 

 

Withdrawal dialogues & encouragement

 

Please let us know how you're doing as you recover, this helps other people!

Thanks for this Altostrata,

 

I notice these waves, mentioned in the links above. For example i had a great 3 days and now im having a really really bad day, most likely because i was too active yesterday (went for a long ride and did a gym workout in one day) and had 2 drinks (of alcohol).

This upsets me no end as i have to be so careful with every decision i make or else i will tip myself out of balance. its awful feeling like a shell of the person i once was.

 

Part of me often wonders if these waves are even anything to do with the antidepressants or withdrawal? I noticed this sensitivity before I came of the AD's, that was part of the reason i decided to come off them, because i felt so unbalanced and decided they weren't helping!

 

and now i feel like its even worse (sorry - poor me moment - when we are in a wave, it feels like we have always been unwell and always will be unwell - rings so so true!!!) 

 

What if this is just "me"? Maybe I just have a really sensitive nervous system and it will always be like this? 

Regardless, the links you have shared are helpful. It helps to see other people describing exactly what I experience. I often feel like im the only person on this lonely journey.

[Heinz1903]

Hi maxine,

 

i recommend you to stop drink alcohol.

it triggers the central nervesystem.

 

this can make the withdrawal much worse for a while.

 

 

[Onmyway]

@Maxine

You have the option of reinstating a small dosage of the drug to help with some of the withdrawal problems. It would be a small dose 0.5 - 1 mg but it can make a difference to your symptoms. Let me know if you'd like to know more.

 

We also advise strongly against alcohol and other psychoactive substances incl supplements and some vitamins. They can hinder recovery.

[Altostrata]

15 hours ago, Maxine said:

This upsets me no end as i have to be so careful with every decision i make or else i will tip myself out of balance. its awful feeling like a shell of the person i once was.

 

While your nervous system is in a vulnerable state, you will need to take care of it, which means no alcohol. This doesn't mean you're a shell of a person, but that you must learn to prioritize taking care of yourself.

 

You will need the upset from alcohol to settle over the next week before evaluating your withdrawal symptom baseline.

[Maxine]

On 6/20/2022 at 4:28 PM, Onmyway said:

@Maxine

You have the option of reinstating a small dosage of the drug to help with some of the withdrawal problems. It would be a small dose 0.5 - 1 mg but it can make a difference to your symptoms. Let me know if you'd like to know more.

 

We also advise strongly against alcohol and other psychoactive substances incl supplements and some vitamins. They can hinder recovery.

 

HI,

its been a while since ive been online as my intial side effects seemed to resolve soon after connecting here, however my mood has decreased significantly over the past few months and anxiety has increased. Anxiety (and what i call obsessive thinking - where i cant get off a negative thought pattern and associated feeling no matter how illogical i KNOW it to be) is now almost constant and so is the depression. i feel very little pleasure or joy and cry many times a day, everyday and have done for many weeks-months now. needless to say im desperately suicidal and dealing with this urge an awful lot of each day.

 

my naturopath is a holistic healer and an amazing support, but nothing seems to be helping me get out of my hole and i am very scared of this darkness. i feel like i just cant access my mental capacity the way i want/need, in order to 'help myself' - im just so low and defeated.

 

i am trying to get an appt with a local  cannabis clinic as a last ditch at something "alternative" to help before recommencing meds.

my last GP has left her practice (mat leave) so i have to find a new GP and this is something i dread.

i have some left over sertraline that is in date and wondered if anyone could suggest a starting dose while i await a GP appt, if i do decide to take that path?

 

Thanks in advance

[Faure]

Hello, I’m really sorry you are feeling suicidal a lot of the time, that is just horrendous to live with. Unfortunately with psychiatric drug withdrawal there is very little that can help other than time. A while ago @Onmywaysuggested a small reinstatement of 0.5-1mg of your drug to see if that would help with WD symptoms. This has the best chance of working within about 3 months of stopping the original drug. I have tagged Onmyway and hopefully they will stop by to give you some advice.

In the meantime all psychoactive substances, including cannabis, are not recommended at SA. Your nervous system is hurt and upset and looking for stability. Adding anything else can often make things worse. This also goes for other psychiatric drugs.  Doctors unfortunately don’t understand WD or know how to treat it (there isn’t really a treatment, the best thing is to withdraw so slowly your nervous system doesn’t notice - over several years). So while it is very tempting to turn to doctors, they can make things worse by reinstating too much of the original drug or adding another drug, both of which destabilise things further. 
 

Staying away from alcohol and any vigorous exercise is also recommended. Vigorous exercise can stress your nervous system as I think you found already. Gentle walks are best. 
 

I hope your night was not too bad and that you can start to feel some relief from this wave soon. Alto it some useful links on 19 June. Let us know how you are and hopefully it won’t be too long before a mod comes along. 

 

[Altostrata]

@Maxine it's very possible you are still feeling withdrawal syndrome. How's your sleep? When was the last time you drank alcohol?

 

On 10/6/2022 at 9:20 PM, Maxine said:

Anxiety (and what i call obsessive thinking - where i cant get off a negative thought pattern and associated feeling no matter how illogical i KNOW it to be) is now almost constant and so is the depression. 

 

Please describe more about how you feel depression.

 

Did you tend to rumination prior to going on sertraline? What thoughts trigger your thoughts of suicide or feelings of anxiety?

[Maxine]

@Altostrata the rumination now is exactly like what i experienced when i was first diagnosed at 15 , and i have experienced it again at times during my 23 years on AD's.

 

Its difficult to explain but i am triggered by s00o many things i cannot even begin to list. (this feels different to the neurosensitivity i experienced during my early withdrawal - that was more physical - this is very physical/emotional). its as though everything upsets, annoys, frustrates me to the point of physical (emotional) pain. What is common in all of the triggers is that i can logically see the irrationality of my physical and emotional response to the innocuous thought/event, i can cognitively explain the whole process that unfolds within me - i can challenge my cognitive distortions, validate my emotional reaction as a response to an inner wound - etc etc, yet i cant seem to settle the feeling (anxiety) that is an acute nervousness slushing inside me all day. well, thats not true - i can settle it for a moment (go for a walk, deep breathing, have a cry, mindful exercise) but the instant i turn my mind - BAM - im triggered again and at the beginning of the cycle. this cycle repeats so many times that i am exhausted by the time i get to work!!!

 

the depression is:

difficulty sleeping through the night

constant sense of hopelessness

crying many times a day

lack of pleasure or excitement about anything

l feel like a burden constantly

i feel disengaged from everyone because i am so stuck in my head on my negative story

eat for comfort but never feel comforted

just DONT WANT TO BE ALIVE - whats the point.. i feel hopeless that this struggle will ever end.

 

 

 

[Altostrata]

It sounds like you might have had different kinds of psychotherapy before?

 

22 minutes ago, Maxine said:

the depression is:

difficulty sleeping through the night

constant sense of hopelessness

crying many times a day

lack of pleasure or excitement about anything

l feel like a burden constantly

i feel disengaged from everyone because i am so stuck in my head on my negative story

eat for comfort but never feel comforted

just DONT WANT TO BE ALIVE - whats the point.. i feel hopeless that this struggle will ever end.

 

 

If you've seen improvement since you went off sertraline in April 2022, your withdrawal effects are very gradually going away.  The items in bold are what might be protracted withdrawal syndrome.

 

What is your sleep pattern and how has it changed since August? What are you doing for exercise?

 

Very commonly, when people have taken antidepressants for a long time, they have an emotional anesthesia after they go off, where they don't feel a sense of reward from anything. This can be very distressing itself, but very gradually goes away. To assist, you need to exercise your enjoyment muscle -- move toward anything you even vaguely like. For example, do you like food? You might take up cooking as a hobby so you enjoy it more.

 

However, the items that are in red come from the way you talk to yourself. You'll always have your history and habits of mind that you have developed to cope with it. Sometimes it takes trying different kinds of therapy and coaching to change those habits of mind. As an online community, we can't really offer that, all we can offer is encouragement to keep working on it.