SunnyRainyDays: mirtazapine 2 months - 2.5 months of withdrawal

[SunnyRainyDays]

Orignal full title before shortening:

 

2 Months of lowest dose Mirtazapine, sufferin now for over 2,5 months of withdrawal

 

I would set my signature up properly, but I just can't remember anything. Remeron/Mirtazapine withdrawal still leaves me with such a messed up memory that remembering only 2 things at a time causes me great problems. I can't tell which month I took my Effoxor back then, I'm not even sure about the year. Though I keep great track of the Remeron withdrawal, so at least I can tell that.

If you don't want to read the whole story, I categorized the "drug" part in the Drugs section below. There is still some life story though.

 

For the start, I'm currently 18 years old and a female. I was twice in mental hospitals seeking help for a problem that was solved with - you won't believe me - one sentence by my mom. One sentence just cured my whole condition. It may sound incredibly ridiculous, but seriously all of this that you'll read wouldn't have happened if somebody told me this one sentence at the very beginning. And I'm incredibly mad because of this, as I suffered and endured so much pain through the years because everybody was so desperate to prove that I had depression.

 

At 13 years old I had a panic attack caused by a certain phobia which I mistook for suicidal thoughts. I admitted myself to a mental hospital to stay safe, as I was greatly scared that I would harm or kill myself. I spend there 1,5 months and they diagnosed PCOS-Syndrome (hormone problems) and "mild depression". They said I should spend more time with peers, as seemingly it was caused by having an inactive social life (I was quite the outsider at school and would remain. Not because I was shy or something, I was just always such an emotional-artist personality and had interest in completely other things than others my age, so I couldn't connect. Famous people or make-up didn't bother me at all.)

On the contraceptive I felt much better, though it made me sleepy, but I needed, need and will probably always need it for without it my body completely breaks down, as the hormone imbalance is severe (more on that later).

 

The phobia-episodes stayed away, emerging randomly for a few minutes sometimes but very rare, until age 15. I think the episode lasted there for half a year and little longer? They acted like panic attacks, up to 3-4 times a day and some days I was free from it. But I endured it, and though it may sound scary, looking back it actually wasn't so bad as I made it out to be when I went through it. At age 13 the panic attacks were much more rarer, you'll see why.

So when I had those panic attacks, and I wondered why they were there, they seemed to have no cause, I blamed it on the contraceptives. So I was switched to another one, but I got very irritable on it and punched a wall for the first time ever in my life (I'm quite the peaceful person). The gynecologist didn't want to switch me on another contraceptive (as she was paid by this certain brand to only sell this one - literally posters of this contraceptive brand and calendars and cards everywhere in her place), so I stopped taking it.

 

After few months, not many, my body began breaking down. I was dizzy most of the time, nauseated, I was constantly, literally constantly hungry, didn't have appetite though for anything, I was so fatigued I would sleep literally nearly the whole day, couldn't go to school, couldn't do anything really, and had quite the anhedonia. That was the worst, the anhedonia. Hormones can really, really do lots. Didn't have period for the whole year of no pill either.

When my panic episodes (that I always called mistakenly suicidal episodes), returned I seeked help again desperately - and was admitted to a mental hospital again which mas psychosomatic in kind and didn't treat cases like bipolar disorder or schizophrenia.

 

4,5 months there and no improvement, in fact, I got worse there. The therapist there was also a complete idiot and made just everything worse. He blamed my condition on the family (he'd wish he'd have such a deep bond with his mother), he blamed it on literally everything and called it "depression" all the time, though at the end of 4,5 months they still had no diagnosis because I literally did all paper tests they had and in all of them came out a very low scale of depression. They couldn't identify the cause at all. At first they thought Cyclothymia, then bipolar II, then depression, then this, then that, 4,5 months later we haven't got anywhere. Funny thing is, the therapist wasn't even fully licenced yet. He attended "further education" about psychotherapy. He barely knew anything. The psychiatrists there neither, because they told that "hormones can't do such a thing". Haha. I can attest they really, really do.

I should have noticed he was not alright in the head after a few weeks when he told me I had sexual problems because I wasn't interested in sex enough. "Normally, people your age try around their sexuality with friends or so..." no thank you, I'll have my dignity. Next, I had an "oversensitive mother". She "worried too much." Who wouldn't about their child that has been unwell so long? "Normally people your age should go partying at night, and your mother doesn't let you..." first, I don't want to go thank you, second, yes, partying until 01:00 am somewhere in somewhere seems very safe and plausible. But my father who didn't care about me my whole life is the best one! The therapist tried to get me away more from my mother so I would get closer to my father and forgive him for not knowing "how to be a father", which I didn't do which again frustrated my therapist, and with every session he grew more frustrated that he couldn't manipulate me. Everything I spoke about in therapy I told my parents (especially mom), and everything that she spoke about with him in visits she told me. My therapist said he can't do proper therapy with me if I tell everything my parents. He sees a lack of "privacy" in this family. Everyone should have "secrets". What was unnormal to him is that we only have locks on bathrooms and on no other door. "I should be able to lock my door", he said. Which, if he really thinks I have depression, is the most stupid thing you can say.

I won't even mentoin the documents I got when I got out of the hospital that he wrote, seriously you wouldn't believe what is written on it.

--------------------

Drugs

 

So after 4,5 months of no getting better, no improvement but worsening, they placed me on 37.5mg Effoxor which I responded to extremely quickly and really, really well. Within a few hours nearly my whole condition was gone. Even they were surprised that it acted so quickly, and that already the first one suited me so well, as usually people have to try around to find one that is good for them. Whether placebo or not, it did the thing it was supposed to do - so well that pharma companies could show me as an example of "miracle drugs". (I'm very sensitive to medications/caffeine etc., so I'm not surprised that a low dose works so strong on me). I had also very few side effects. I was placed a few days later on 75mg, and then my whole condition was gone. When I asked if antidepressants really numb feelings, the lead doctor said "no, the depression does that." Tells about everything you have to know about him.

On my last visit to my therapist I told him they did nothing, only the drugs helped me. That he didn't like of course and in the documents I was counterargumentet that I "eagerly took part in all of their offered therapies". Yes, it was so boring there that I attended even courses that others couldn't go to and I went in their place instead. If we hadn't any courses - music, physiotherapy - I would take hour long walks with the others because else I woulg go crazy sitting there and doing nearly nothing.

They wanted to keep me longer there, but I said "no", as fast as possible out of this place, they were all not alright in the head. And I got really fast out because my mother stormed in and shoved such arguments up their faces, especially my therapist, that he started shuddering. The locks, the "sexual problems", she had no mercy with words. Twenty minutes later I was out.

 

A very few months later we went to another gynecologist, who is a fantastic one. There the PCOS syndrome was diagnosed again, and I was put on contraceptives again (my third) - I responded very well to this one. Unlike the first one, which was good too, this one didn't make me sleepy and I can function to this day without midday sleeps, which I needed on the first one.

After half year of Effoxor I had to see my psychiatrist again, as the longer I was on the pill, the greater the "freezing headache" and numbing of the antidepressant came to light. Theory I strongly believe in, again THEORY - this was because the more I gained hormonal balance, the greater the serotonine etc. production functioned again and my body functioned more normally again - meaning, I didn't need the effoxor anymore and it started doing a little more harm than good now.

So I was put off it, I was told to taper, but stupid me wanted so badly the numbing to go away that I did cold turkey. And compared to other cold turkeys I read, this one wasn't so bad. Dizziness, very strong headache, a bit of vomiting, that's all. On the second or third day though I took a 37.5mg pill again and tapered this time, opening the capsule and putting the little tablets out of it until only one of the little was inside. Then I had a week or two of mild withdrawal and it was over. As I said, poster girl for pharma with this drug.

 

This year, 2022, on February my "suicidal episode" came back - and it didn't came back like before - this time it hit, at the same time, with such a panic attack that I hyperventilated so badly I got severe twitches and my eyes rolled up and teeth shuddered etc. an ambulance had to be called. They knew it was hyperventilating and I was calmed down with reduced breathing, because too much oxygen. It worked. But now I was left with such anxiety that I became extremely sleep deprived. When I visited my psychiatrist again (I had to wait 2 days for the emergency visit to him), he wasn't able to offer much help besides "taking up an antidepressant again". I said no, no antidepressants anymore. I asked for sleeping aid, so I would get a bit of rest after being much sleep deprived for two-three days.

So he gave me a sleeping pill. Without telling me it's an antidepressant. Later I found out it is an antidepressant. Thank you very much.

 

So I was given Remeron/Mirtazapine 7.5mg. When I started it, I became greatly suicidal, with urges to kill my myself and immense hopelesness that was drug-induced. During this time I seriously thought about assisted suicide (and still a bit traumatized because of it, as I never, never had before sucidal thoughts - the suicidal episodes were mistaken, I'll explain later.) I wanted to stop it after two days, but my mom said they need a bit of time to settle and then it'll get better. And it did, the suicidality vanished. I slept much more on it, not very much as since years I had disrupted sleeping, but this time only once a night and I fell asleep quite fast after that.

 

Now, what is important to mentoin as it happened during the taking of mirtazapine, and I had one of those "suicidal episodes" my mom told me - this was the one sentence that cured me - "that it seems like I'm not depressed or anything, but scared." Boom. Done. It all went away. As I googled later, I found out what I had all the time was "Suicidal OCD - an intense fear of suicide and intrusive thoughts about suicide which leave the individual disturbed and distressed." This was also why the episodes got more intense and frequent in time - the more I was scared of it, the more intense it became. When I was distracted, it wasn't there. I remember when blood was taken from me it would disappear for a while, I remember the more hopeful I was the more it disappeared. All in my head. Ones own head, illusion can cause such suffering... fascinating.

And indeed, the second I realized this was only a fear and not actual suicidal thoughts, all disappeared. And didn't come back. A few weeks later I would know the difference between this and actual sucidal thoughts.

 

I was very alright on Mirtazapine, had feelings and so on, was myself pretty much. Problem was, the longer I took it the more paranoid-anxious I became (along with more and more damaged short-term memory), which would make me stop it after 2 months - and also by another event.

I took CBD oil (I consulted it of course with my psychiatrist first), for it to help me further as maybe this would help my sleeping problems and I could get off mirtazapine. And I took the two together, and mirtazapine didn't react well to it. Got extremely anxious and with semi-suicidal feelings, kind of like when I first took it but half so bad- so I stopped the oil after three days of no improvement, but fast forward a half week later and the symptoms don't go away. So I had to stop taking mirtazapine, on 4th April.

 

At first I became a bit hypomanic, my senses were sharp as never before, adrenal-like, nothing negative much. It went away after two days and was replaced by huge anxiety. It was lowering continuously over the course of one month, and I thought "not so bad", at the end, at first it was bad, but it was going away.

6th of May, it hit, and it hit really, really hard. I never felt this suicidal, it was like when I started taking it but 3x worse. It was accompanied by dizziness, intense nausea, extreme brain fog, anxiety, memory was non-existent, hopelessness rose to 900%, apathy, no feelings. Half of the day I thought about suicide and the other half of the day I was flat, kind of existing. The suicidality was intense, I could think about nothing else - it was nothing like the OCD I had, now I could really, really distinguish between illusion and actual suicidal thoughts. I felt, and still feel such regret of ever taking any antidepressant, I never was so scared about my future before, never regretted something so much.

After one, two weeks it started gradually falling and the suicidality went kind of away, along with nausea, etc.

What was left was the brain frog, numbness, impaired memory. But it got better over time, and I knew from the beginning it was withdrawal else I would probably have got psychotic about this.

 

Now, a few days ago, second wave hit. Suicidality (but half so bad this time), now I have weird skin sensations sometimes, still much numb (I can cry very well though, I just don't feel the sadness, but the feelings are still there, hidden somewhere.) Brain fog, short-term memory still doesn't exist. Again, intense regret, I'm still so scared it won't end or I will suffer permanent damage, even though it was just 2 months and the lowest dose. What is optimistic though, for the first time since these 2.5 months I responded emotionally to music which opened a window, and I was cycling recently between withdrawal-window-withdrawal.

But the fear of no end and permanent damage is still there, and thinking only about the slightest good memory from childhood makes me tip over into intense crying, as I'm so afraid that I lost now everything. There are so many things I still want to do, finish school, a good university etc., and I will only be able to forgive myself and forget if it all ends well, with as little damage as possible. Reassurement of "it was only such a short time, such a low dose, it won't damage you..." leaves me only with a bit of hope. In the past month I read so much about neuroplasticity and learned so much about the true face of psychiatry (especially through "Anatomy of an Epidemic"), and it left me in bewilderment and anger. Had I knew, then I would have never taken it. Never, no matter what and I never will take anything of it ever again.

I only found about long-term use damage, so I guess from 2 months and lowest dose I will recover?

I found in the Anatomy book that for antipsychotics, the rule is 2 months recovery for 1 month use, and only at the period of over a year or so it might cause permanent damage. I hope it is better for antidepressants, especially since I read so many horror stories I cried about with immense fear, and many I read with hope who came off after 20 years of various antidepressants and recovered well to 100% themselves. Often the knowledge about neuroplasticity, neurogenesis and success stories keep me sane. Incredible what 2 month use of the lowest dose can cause.

 

If it shall end in 5 months, I will endure. I'm extremely endurable, all my life I've proven it. But there is this uncertainity, and it won't let me sleep at times.

 

Edited June 20, 2022 by ChessieCat
added original intro title before shortening

[Onmyway]

Dear @SunnyRainyDays, 

welcome to SA. What a story. I am glad that you are seeing windows and waves there which is encouraging. This is what you would expect in the future as well. We see on SA that the damage is not permanent - the brain, as you know, is quite plastic and you will recover. It will just take a while for it to happen. You have your whole future in front of you. It will likely take more than 5 months - for many people on these forums it can take a few years (other recover faster) but you will see improvements. 

Here are a few links to read - the second one is one of my  favorites. 

The Windows and Waves Pattern of Stabilization - Symptoms and self-care - Surviving Antidepressants

What is happening in your brain? - Symptoms and self-care - Surviving Antidepressants

How psychiatric drugs remodel your brain - Symptoms and self-care - Surviving Antidepressants

 

 

Have a look at the success stories - they can help you keep going: 

Success stories: Recovery from psychiatric drug withdrawal - Surviving Antidepressants

 

Can you please provide us with a drug signature? 

How to List Drug History in Signature - Introductions and updates - Surviving Antidepressants

 

What are your current symptoms? 

 

We recommend that our members don't take other psychoactive substances (alcohol, pot, even some vitamins and supplements) as our systems can be sensitive to them, however, many of our members find magnesium and Omega-3 helpful. Have a look. 

 https://www.survivingantidepressants.org/topic/15483-magnesium-natures-calcium-channel-blocker/

King of supplements: Omega-3 fatty acids (fish oil) - Symptoms and self-care - Surviving Antidepressants

 

Hope you get some respite soon, 
OMW

 

[SunnyRainyDays]

I will list for now all my symptoms that I have or had, keeping in mind that the suicidality is the worst. When it isn't there, I'm even totally fine with everything else that is happening with me.

 

Symptoms (Remeron withdrawal)

-Suicidality (30%-40% gone) as of 21.06.

-Ceaseless song/songs getting stuck in my head, like tinnitus but with songs I hear from radio or so (mostly gone)

-Repeating the same word in my thoughts over and over again like a mantra (gone)

-Strange skin sensations (new)

-Bone pain in some areas, occassionally (new)

-Severe nausea (gone, re-appears rarely)

-Neuro-emotions

-Constantly feeling on edge, as if I'm barely able to calm my body down

-Severe anxiety sometimes

-Rhythm is out of place, I will want to sleep at times where I shouldn't and sometimes at night I don't want to sleep and don't feel tired at all even if I'm 15 hours up.

-Numbness of emotions, I can cry very well but don't feel the sadness at all

-Confusion

-Intrusive thoughts (mostly gone)

-As suicidality, I have sometimes unwanted feelings or thoughts about ex. killing my pets. I of course don't want this, and the feeling/thoughts are distressing. When windows appear, I feel great love for my pets and all of the feelings/stuff is gone, just like the suicidality.

-Short-term memory is completely broken (got better as of now, especially today 21.06)

-Random memories from the past suddenly appear (mostly gone)

-Concentration issues (mostly gone)

-Apathy, no interest in anything, neither hobbies nor topics

-Paranoia (had only in the first month of withdrawal)

-Depersonalization, I don't feel like myself at all and generally feel detached from the world.

 

Supplements

I take Omega-3 since a month to aid neuroplasticity and a Magnesium-Calcium-D3 supplement. I also take b12 1000uq tablets since a short while as it helped me back then immensely with my hormones in the year without contraceptives, and my gynecologist also adviced to take it as women generally feel better when taking b12/b6.

Yesterday I took for the first time melatonine 1,5mg, and it helped me much better with sleep than my 7,5mg remeron did back then. Sadly, no doctor thought first of giving me melatonine or herbs but stuffed me up with remeron from the start...

[Onmyway]

Hi @SunnyRainyDays, 

sometimes vitamin D and Bs make people feel like they are on edge during withdrawal. Unless you are deficient (blood tests can show this), I would say not to take it. 

Edited June 22, 2022 by Onmyway

[SunnyRainyDays]

@Onmyway

I noticed that the two days I took it I felt more anxious. D3 package got finished yesterday anyway, but didn’t notice much difference on it - probably because it was lowly dosed.

Have to take iron again though because I’m anemic - again. Hope it won’t stir my nervous system up.

Thank you for the advice.

[Guest]

On 6/21/2022 at 12:39 PM, SunnyRainyDays said:

Symptoms (Remeron withdrawal)

-Suicidality (30%-40% gone) as of 21.06.

-Ceaseless song/songs getting stuck in my head, like tinnitus but with songs I hear from radio or so (mostly gone)

-Repeating the same word in my thoughts over and over again like a mantra (gone)

-Strange skin sensations (new)

-Bone pain in some areas, occassionally (new)

-Severe nausea (gone, re-appears rarely)

-Neuro-emotions

-Constantly feeling on edge, as if I'm barely able to calm my body down

-Severe anxiety sometimes

-Rhythm is out of place, I will want to sleep at times where I shouldn't and sometimes at night I don't want to sleep and don't feel tired at all even if I'm 15 hours up.

-Numbness of emotions, I can cry very well but don't feel the sadness at all

-Confusion

-Intrusive thoughts (mostly gone)

-As suicidality, I have sometimes unwanted feelings or thoughts about ex. killing my pets. I of course don't want this, and the feeling/thoughts are distressing. When windows appear, I feel great love for my pets and all of the feelings/stuff is gone, just like the suicidality.

-Short-term memory is completely broken (got better as of now, especially today 21.06)

-Random memories from the past suddenly appear (mostly gone)

-Concentration issues (mostly gone)

-Apathy, no interest in anything, neither hobbies nor topics

-Paranoia (had only in the first month of withdrawal)

-Depersonalization, I don't feel like myself at all and generally feel detached from the world.

Hi, 

 

did you take medication? After when did you symptoms improve?

[SunnyRainyDays]

Guest

I took two months of 7.5mg Mirtazapine.

After two-three days the withdrawal started with a more hypomanic mood, but it went away after two days and was replaced by the symptoms above.

I’d say after one month time the withdrawal symptoms peaked and lots of new symptoms came too - it happened suddenly, from one minute to the other.

Since then it would come in waves being mostly few weeks apart, but weaker.

 

As of now not much has improved yet, some symptoms go and are replaced by others and vice versa, some symptoms gradually improve (short-term memory, the hostile thoughts). Overall I’m still feeling crappy and depressed.

 

The only other medicine I take (besides supplements), are contraceptives, and I believe my hormone cycles also decide a lot about how I feel during withdrawal - my nervous system is right now so sensitive to stuff even listening to music or playing faster paced video games leaves me extremely stressed. I can’t get invested into stuff too much, the more emotion something evokes (I’m still numb though), the more stressed I’m left after that.

Can’t tolerate well harder to digest food right now as well.

 

Hope that helps.

[Ariel]

@SunnyRainyDays

Welcome to SA. 

 

Thank you so much for sharing your story in your beautifully articulated introduction post. 

Your English is impressive, and at 18 you seem wise beyond your years. 

 

I'm sorry you're going through this ordeal.

It's really hard; it's also temporary. It will pass. 

You will heal and go on to lead a full and vibrant life. 

 

Have you considered the possibility that you may be unusually intelligent? What is sometimes referred to as "giftedness".

It's not very well studied or understood, especially since it affects a small minority of the global population and often goes undetected.

It's sometimes framed as a kind of "neurodivergence", within the greater context of neurodiversity. 

Children who are extraordinarily intelligent are often misunderstood in school and can end up being disadvantaged and even destructively impacted as their unique needs are not being met, neither academically nor socially nor biologically nor psychospiritually. This can cause a lot of pain and suffering in the individual which can sometimes lead to ignorant (albeit often well-intentioned) people pathologizing the child/youth, not infrequently turning to psychiatry for answers.

Psychiatry is ignorant as to the realities of lived gifted experience and further misunderstands and misdiagnoses and, as you know, medicates and drugs (often deceitfully, as you have experienced). The complexity of many misunderstandings can become quite a knotty problem.   

 

I don't know whether any of this might apply to you, maybe it's entirely irrelevant. I hope you don't mind my mentioning it, please feel free to ignore completely.  

If you do feel like learning more about it let me know. Here's one article, in case you're curious: Misdiagnosis and Dual Diagnosis of Gifted Children

 

You have an excellent brain, SRD, and you have time on your side. 

You're going to get through this and recover and continue on to experience such beauty.

In solidarity and support,

A.  

[SunnyRainyDays]

@Ariel

I don’t know what to say - you made me blush 😅 I often get called mature for my age, same with the language. I just read lots of books and have also interest in writing.

 

My intelligence has been tested twice because of my anxiety (score was in the upper third average), although in my opinion they’re kind of useless. Reaction time, concentration ability, word knowledge and general knowledge, memory and all aren’t necessary signs of intelligence. You might just have a really good memory or sharp mind.

I’ve known people with low IQ scores who were much smarter than the ones with high scores. I remember one girl where everyone was stupefied when she came with a “gifted” score, as she was especially naive and needed years to grasp a topic or thing. It was like talking to a wall. She wasn’t bright at all…

I had a kid in class who was musically gifted and also pretty weird, emotional and had some trouble making friends. He would be definitely in the gifted category, test or not. He also had some fidgeting with psychotherapy and so on, labeled “unnormal”.
 

In middle school for the first few years I had no friends at all (I had completely different interests all my life from those of other girls and got overall much better along with boys), so I turned to books, art, video games, anime and that’s where I found comfort and escape from loneliness mostly. As often with lonely kids, animals were my best friends and I was an immersive daydreamer.

 

I don’t know, I think I’d rather would have been a normal kid with an average normal kid life. Opinion might change someday, but right now I’m in a miserable place anyway.

Me being very emotional and taking things often personally hasn’t helped either, but for no price would I give this emotionality away. One thing I especially love about myself are the feelings. I might be a highly sensitive person. I don’t like if it is too loud, too crowded, get sometimes lost in my internal world, prefer to spend time with one or two people instead of in bigger groups, prefer to work on stuff alone, get easily emotionally hurt, can’t watch bloody violent or horror movies, the daydreaming, the hand for creativity, won’t step outside my moral values no matter what, need to express individuality etc.

 

Nowadays the loneliness doesn’t bother me so much, I’m thinking of the things I want to accomplish in the future, and also since withdrawal I came upon lots of nutrition and general health topics, so right now I’m on improving my diet, a bit of exercise, meditation and much less compulsive screen time - I deleted nearly every social media platform (that I’ve done ages ago), from my phone and are only left with limited YouTube (as of recent), as I put a feed and comment hider into it too. I feel already much better after that, I had a tendency to always look into comments which was unnecessary and just distracted a lot. I focus on becoming more productive, at least a bit of studying each day, improving in drawing and creative writing, learning a new language.

I’m handling the anxiety on my own (with so far decent results), including the problem that I have too much self-awareness, so I try to focus more on the external world. I’m taking it slow though, as I don’t know which of the anxiety is withdrawal related and which is in my own head.

 

When I recover well from the withdrawal, I’d say it set me on a better path (even if it nearly killed me), because without it I probably wouldn’t have cared so much about my well being and wouldn’t have noticed my “withering away”. I wouldn’t have moved forward at all, and even during it I already made good steps I hadn’t thought of half a year ago.

I’m a person that strongly believes everything is for a reason, and so I mostly wait and look where the events will take me. And maybe they are - or end up being - a butterfly. First you have to suffer though through the process…

 

Again, thank you for the nice words! They made my day.

[SunnyRainyDays]

@Ariel

I just read through the gifted article.

90% resonates with me… that I did not expect. I thought always gifted children were the ones who made 2 professors and 3 doctor titles and behaved like google.

I might now know the root of all my self. Most of all the problems there, strengths, growing up, behavior, etc. Hit the nail.

Half my life I asked if there is something wrong with me, believing I’m mentally ill (to the point of expecting psychosis or mania at some point in my life), or crazy, I could write a book about myself.

Every therapist, physician, even any normal person I encountered enforced this thought. It brought me to health anxiety fixed on mental health.

 

Especially the emotional intensity fits me. Once during dinner my mom told a story about a woman whose husband killed her two dogs by brutally throwing them against the wall, and I just started crying like crazy. Even now writing this it stirs me up a lot.

[Ariel]

@SunnyRainyDays

 

Giftedness is very misunderstood.

It can be very difficult, even impossible, to get to know oneself and understand oneself better when one is unaware of such a fundamental facet of one's being.

It's hard to be aware when nobody has ever mentioned it or explained it, and as a result, one may grow up in an impenetrable vacuum of difference. 

In cases where it's relevant, I believe it can be invaluable to learn about.

 

You can read more about it here, if you like: What is Giftedness?

That website has a lot of great articles and resources. 

 

I'd like to offer a gentle trigger warning that it can be an emotional journey to learn about oneself in this way.

It can be a lot to process and may take time to assimilate and integrate. Allow for lots of time and space around this. 

Please take care of yourself so as not to overwhelm your sensitive system, especially while in WD. 

 

[SunnyRainyDays]

Update #1

————

Today, close to the 3 month mark, is one of the worst withdrawal days I’ve had. It feels painful to simply exist, and I can’t do without distraction - if I’m not doing something engaging, I become very restless and anxious.

Now on the evening it got better, I found much relief after garden work.

I still have no appetite, am mostly numb and quite depressed. Most of the symptoms still stay strong, and half of those that seemed to go away returned with vengeance.

It’s been now longer than I’ve taken the drug.

I try to stay hopeful - meditating and any quiet occupation is right now impossible.

 

[Roserdl]

You are doing really well with the distractions. Three months of healing behind you.  The s.i. is very hard but it is like other symptoms which come in waves

[Ariel]

Sorry it's rough going right now, @SunnyRainyDays

Have you had a chance to look at the essay Onmyway shared at the top of your thread? 

I sometimes find it helpful to read during a symptom flare. 

What is happening in your brain?

Hang in there, SRD, healing is happening <3

[SunnyRainyDays]

@Ariel

Hi, I’ve read most of the information posts on the forum - which is yes! They made me calmer, not panicking so much about my symptoms.

Today was an even worse withdrawal experience, but luckily I had scattered throughout the day a few minute-long windows. It seems that the worse I crash down, the higher I jump up.

I keep myself distracted and stay away from horror stories. I know the mind is very powerful - if you’re interested, you can research on the “placebo effect” and subconscious mind.

I’m staying strong, today might be bad but In a month I might cry out of happiness, and even if it’s in a year, It’ll be okay.

[SunnyRainyDays]

Update #2

——————

My short-term memory majorly improved. Since the day of 21.6 (I didn’t even have to look it up!) it got significantly better with each day, up to now, a week later where I would even deem it normal as it was before.

While a month ago I wasn’t even able to properly remember one thing I had to do, let alone two, today I can remember a whole shopping list of ten things without having to look it up.

 

For those that see no improvement at all since discontinuation: I only started seeing improvement since the 21 June, 2.5 months after last dose - before this day, my short term memory was completely broken. That day I just woke up and noticed I felt different, not so disorganized and brain scattered, and during my math lesson I suddenly was able to recall the previous topics and tasks - even my teacher asked what’s up today, I was doing so good. Since then it greatly improved in the span of one week (might be of course longer for you).

I was so worried I would be left with a damaged memory, and see there, it 100% recovered.

Occasionally, rarely, some brain fog came/comes by for a few minutes, but I still remember things.

All it needed was time and patience.

The beginning is always the worst.

I experienced such terror that my memory will never recover, also about the other symptoms, but they too will most likely experience the same fate as my memory.

 

Remember: I saw zero improvement of memory during the 2.5 months, it just happened on a day and then gradually got much better.

[Ariel]

@SunnyRainyDays

Thinking of you <3

[SunnyRainyDays]

Just wanted to post my update haha

 

Update #3

—————

At the 3 month mark a major turning point happened.

I had massive, long half-day windows where I felt much more myself again and were accompanied by huge surges of creativity like I hadn’t in years and my sight became clear and sharp. I felt even more myself than pre-remeron, it feels as if remeron withdrawal completely reseted my brain even from venlafaxine, which left me still with a certain numbness and apathy.

I now feel most of the day better since one week. Before the turning point I had the few worst days of my life. Right now the waves rarely come, and if they do they last no more than a few hours or minutes.

My libido returned, the numbness fades, I experience again great interest for things and my environment, it’s half as bad as it was 1-2 weeks ago.

 

The major thing bothering me now is the strong anxiety, the suicidality faded more into the background.

Overall the future looks positive now.

[Ariel]

@SunnyRainyDays

Good to hear, SRD. Thank you for sharing your update. 

You have a great attitude <3

The neuro-anxiety can be quite challenging. I'm sorry it's bothering you.

Do you have any preferred non-drug coping techniques?

[SunnyRainyDays]

@Ariel

Normally reassuring and challenging the thoughts with solid proof and facts makes my anxiety go away, but not this one - withdrawal anxiety won’t go away no matter what I do - I just have to sit with it.

 

The neuro-anxiety puts me 24/7 in a flight-or-fight mode. My anxious brain now interprets every single thought and action as “danger”.

I daydream for one minute:

You must have maladaptive daydreaming.

My mind wanders for a few seconds while doing a hour long task:

You must have ADHD

I want to play a video game that has a few drops of blood:

Don’t play it, it will make you violent

I scratch my skin because it itches:

You might go ill and scratch your skin bloody to excess

And so on and on. There aren’t even the “what if you have …” questions that anxiety normally does, but it’s straight out “You (must) have …”

Today I was afraid to leave my house for no reason. The fears come and go as they wish, one day I’ll have them and on another I don’t.

The combination with other neuro emotions that appear from time to time like random hostility out of nowhere make it worse.

 

Weird though that it is afraid of every mental problem but anxiety disorders - if it would be then it would practically eliminate itself by avoiding worrying. But it’d rather be scared of daydreaming, logically. Why is it scared most of daydreaming??? Probably because it’s so common and human that it’s unavoidable, and anxiety hates unavoidable things…

 

I tried reassuring, showing proof that the thought is impossible and stupid, but no matter what I do it won’t even decrease a bit. (I researched the topics my mind is afraid of and it didn’t help - it’s like talking to a moron. It holds to its belief no matter what. I compared the “mental disorders” to myself and even though I fit none my anxiety still insists I probably have it. I even took the official test for Maladaptive daydreaming which you need a score of 40+ points to even be considered a MDer, my score was 17,5, not even the half of it, but my anxious mind doesn’t care and won’t shut up. Each time my mind wanders off my anxiety flares up. Same with every topic. Can’t concentrate once in a while? Danger, very, very bad.) Everything that I do is accompanied by extreme judgement from my anxious mind.

Pity my anxious brain doesn’t notice that most of the problems come from the anxiety itself.

 

All I can do for now is to ignore or distract myself and let it pass along with the withdrawal. Mostly it makes me avoid and not do the things that flare it up, this time facing fears is useless as it leaves me in even more distress.

Yup, withdrawal anxiety is something completely else than normal anxiety and now I know that.

[Ariel]

@SunnyRainyDays

Thank you for this brilliant description of WD neuro-anxiety and neuro-fear. 

Do you mind if I quote your post in a few of the help topics? 

I think it could be very helpful to share with other members. 

 

[SunnyRainyDays]

@Ariel

Sure!

Thank you.

[Kat66]

19 hours ago, SunnyRainyDays said:

@Ariel

Normally reassuring and challenging the thoughts with solid proof and facts makes my anxiety go away, but not this one - withdrawal anxiety won’t go away no matter what I do - I just have to sit with it.

 

The neuro-anxiety puts me 24/7 in a flight-or-fight mode. My anxious brain now interprets every single thought and action as “danger”.

I daydream for one minute:

You must have maladaptive daydreaming.

My mind wanders for a few seconds while doing a hour long task:

You must have ADHD

I want to play a video game that has a few drops of blood:

Don’t play it, it will make you violent

I scratch my skin because it itches:

You might go ill and scratch your skin bloody to excess

And so on and on. There aren’t even the “what if you have …” questions that anxiety normally does, but it’s straight out “You (must) have …”

Today I was afraid to leave my house for no reason. The fears come and go as they wish, one day I’ll have them and on another I don’t.

The combination with other neuro emotions that appear from time to time like random hostility out of nowhere make it worse.

 

Weird though that it is afraid of every mental problem but anxiety disorders - if it would be then it would practically eliminate itself by avoiding worrying. But it’d rather be scared of daydreaming, logically. Why is it scared most of daydreaming??? Probably because it’s so common and human that it’s unavoidable, and anxiety hates unavoidable things…

 

I tried reassuring, showing proof that the thought is impossible and stupid, but no matter what I do it won’t even decrease a bit. (I researched the topics my mind is afraid of and it didn’t help - it’s like talking to a moron. It holds to its belief no matter what. I compared the “mental disorders” to myself and even though I fit none my anxiety still insists I probably have it. I even took the official test for Maladaptive daydreaming which you need a score of 40+ points to even be considered a MDer, my score was 17,5, not even the half of it, but my anxious mind doesn’t care and won’t shut up. Each time my mind wanders off my anxiety flares up. Same with every topic. Can’t concentrate once in a while? Danger, very, very bad.) Everything that I do is accompanied by extreme judgement from my anxious mind.

Pity my anxious brain doesn’t notice that most of the problems come from the anxiety itself.

 

All I can do for now is to ignore or distract myself and let it pass along with the withdrawal. Mostly it makes me avoid and not do the things that flare it up, this time facing fears is useless as it leaves me in even more distress.

Yup, withdrawal anxiety is something completely else than normal anxiety and now I know that.

 

Wow @SunnyRainyDays you've nailed an accurate description of neuro-anxiety/fear. My brain couldn't cope with trying to piece together what's going on, so I'm grateful for your insightful observations!

What stood out to me is the fact that this neuro-fear/anxiety DOES NOT RESPOND to regular ways of coping with the thoughts/fears. It's a monster and will only go when it's ready to go.

My cousin came to stay a couple of weekends ago. It took me a WEEK before I was able to go upstairs to sort out the spare room where she'd slept. I don't even know what I was afraid of, but I just couldn't go up those stairs.

[SunnyRainyDays]

Update #4

—————

So far most of my WD symptoms are gone except the emotional numbness and neuro-anxiety (which is going half of the time through the roof), occasional suicidality but compared to what I had before: much less. Also insomnia, because of the anxiety - with melatonine I can fall asleep quickly most of the time. Such things as irritability and etc. I’d trace back to the anxiety.

The neuro-anxiety appeared just two weeks ago, and has been my most bothersome symptom as of now - 24/7 extremely anxious and overly stressed mind that is quite difficult to calm down. Often I feel like going crazy or paranoid. When it goes away for a few hours or even just lessens in intensity I feel really tired and sleepy. No surprise, it’s like my brain’s on a constant sprint-marathon.
 

I have PMS from my hormonal imbalance, and a few days before period my current WD symptoms flare up as they did the last few months. This time my PMS though feels more like my usual one, another proof of returning normality.

 

Time, time. Now when reading through my old WD symptoms list I don’t even remember having half of them.

[Ariel]

Thank you for sharing your update, @SunnyRainyDays

It's good to read you, as always. 

I've run out of virtual hearts to "like" your post but my real heart feels warm and full in response to your words.

You're doing a great job of getting through this.

Your constructive attitude and exceptional awareness are inspiring. 

Glad you're part of the community. 

Your previous post about neuro-anxiety has been quite popular, by the way.

You write very well, and your writing has helped people. 

Thank you for your contributions. 

Sending appreciative thoughts and healing vibes,

A.

 

[Ariel]

@SunnyRainyDays

I miss seeing your drug signature when you post. 

Would you mind setting that up, please?

It's really helpful to those of us who read you. 

 

On 6/21/2022 at 7:41 AM, Onmyway said:

Can you please provide us with a drug signature? 

How to List Drug History in Signature - Introductions and updates - Surviving Antidepressants

 

 

[SunnyRainyDays]

@Ariel

Weird, I have my signature set up… I don’t know why it can’t be seen, maybe I wrote it in the wrong place. I can’t see it neither. Maybe you can’t do it properly on mobile, so I’ll have a second look at my PC later.

 

Also thank you for your reply! Glad to see it helps people.

 

[SunnyRainyDays]

Update #5

-----------

Had a really bad crash yesterday. Anxiety skyrocketed, the whole evening I just cried and talked about my fears to my mom and today the whole noon just as well. My muscles twitched during this and my teeth clappered.

All WD symptoms that bothered me a while ago and went away came ferociously back - the suicidality flared up, the paranoid thinking, sounds getting stuck in my head on repeat (ex. my ringtone), depersonalization, depression, feeling extremely on edge, don't want to eat (the food tastes like nothing), zero appetite, and for the first time nightmares appeared. My suicide-phobia also flared up, and accompanied by actual suicidality it does not play well. The problem with this one though is that I cannot make it disappear like I usually can. I'm also extremely feeling like going crazy, as if I have to run away from something, as if I have to lash out at something, I constantly feel like I have to 'get out, get out, get out' like trapped in a narrow room. It's the worst, as I feel like my brain has total control over me. I'm scared of literally everything - books, plants, people, sunlight, everything, it's crazy.

 

I don't know anymore really what is WD and what is actual me. If I really feel it or if those are the neuro-emotions. But if my WD symptoms flare so much up then I think most of it is WD, or at least half of it.

 

I'm going to Hypnotherapy in a month, hopefully my subonscious will reveal to me why I'm so extremely scared of suicide and generally so anxious and fearful about my mental health. I simply have Hypochondria about mental health. It's a vicious cycle - I know mental suffering leads to suicide so I'm scared of mental illness because it can lead to suicide. Everything linked to a risk of suicide I avoid like the plague. Anything about suicide immensely triggers me, and I don't even know why I'm so scared of it. Whenever I had my fear-episodes I would constantly seek reassurement from anywhere that I would not do it. I put myself into mental hospitals so I would not do it.

Psychotherapy never proved useful to me, so I'm going for Hypnosis. Hopefully I can treat it here. OCD and OCD-like problems always come from the subconscious as far as I know. Intrusive thoughts never come from the waking mind, neither compulsions. There's simply something left unresolved.

[Ariel]

@SunnyRainyDays

 

I'm sorry to hear you're suffering.

It sounds like you've been hit with an intense wave. 

 

1 hour ago, SunnyRainyDays said:

I'm also extremely feeling like going crazy, as if I have to run away from something, as if I have to lash out at something, I constantly feel like I have to 'get out, get out, get out' like trapped in a narrow room. It's the worst, as I feel like my brain has total control over me. I'm scared of literally everything - books, plants, people, sunlight, everything, it's crazy.

 

This sounds like your brain and nervous system are in fight-or-flight mode.

It's a physiological state characterized by hyper-vigilance, hyper-sensitive startle reflex, easily triggered, high panic (among others). 

Does that sound familiar? 

This happens to us in WD. It can be extremely unpleasant to experience and challenging to override. 

 

You have very good awareness, which is a distinct advantage. 

Are you able to do anything physical to center yourself in your body? 

Are there any grounding techniques that might be employed? 

 

Some people find this simple yoga posture helpful: Legs Up The Wall

Some people find this sort of grounding exercise useful: Intro to Grounding Activities

 

Here's a cool, animated video with some background on Fight/Flight/Freeze Response

 

Maybe you know about this stuff already. 

And of course you are well aware that in WD symptoms can be exaggerated to the point where the usual constructive interventions don't have the same effect they would otherwise. 

Sometimes it's possible to ground and find some relief, sometimes we just have to distract and ignore and A-A-F.

I know you are so brave and resourceful and good at finding your way through. 

 

1 hour ago, SunnyRainyDays said:

I don't know anymore really what is WD and what is actual me. If I really feel it or if those are the neuro-emotions. But if my WD symptoms flare so much up then I think most of it is WD, or at least half of it.

 

This is WD, SunnyRainyDays. This isn't "actual" you. 

You're having this experience, but you are not your thoughts, you are not your feelings, you are not the neuro-emotions.

It's just that the experience is overwhelming and one of the symptoms of a wave is that the wave tries to convince us that it's who we really are. 

Underneath all of these WD symptoms, deep inside you, you are still you and you are okay. 

This experience of chaos is WD playing tricks on you. Your brain and nervous system are destabilized, they are perceiving a threat, and they are trying to protect you. 

It's just that they're a little chemically confused, because they are in the process of healing, and so they're trying to re-learn how to make the right connections. 

Sometimes they get it right, and sometimes they miss the mark. 

 

About 4 weeks ago I had a 36-hour window that I wrote about/from in my thread. 

I don't know whether it might be meaningful to read. I'd like to share these two posts with you in case they could provide some perspective. 

Window post 1

Window post 2

 

I am thinking of you, SRD. I'm sorry you're going through this. 

You are so strong and so smart. You're doing an excellent job navigating this challenge. 

I have complete confidence in you. 

Thank you for posting your update, and hang in there.

I know you know this; nevertheless I will remind you: This is temporary. It will pass. It gets better. 

Healing is happening all the time, even when we don't consciously feel it <3 

 

Sending you a big hug (if you like human hugs; if you don't, I'm sending something that you like, something comforting ... like maybe a sweet cat or dog to cuddle with, would that be good? Well, anyway, your choice, I'm sending something that you would find reassuring and pleasant) <3

A. 

 

[Guest]

On 6/26/2022 at 11:25 AM, SunnyRainyDays said:

@Quittingquentiapin

I took two months of 7.5mg Mirtazapine.

After two-three days the withdrawal started with a more hypomanic mood, but it went away after two days and was replaced by the symptoms above.

I’d say after one month time the withdrawal symptoms peaked and lots of new symptoms came too - it happened suddenly, from one minute to the other.

Since then it would come in waves being mostly few weeks apart, but weaker.

 

As of now not much has improved yet, some symptoms go and are replaced by others and vice versa, some symptoms gradually improve (short-term memory, the hostile thoughts). Overall I’m still feeling crappy and depressed.

 

The only other medicine I take (besides supplements), are contraceptives, and I believe my hormone cycles also decide a lot about how I feel during withdrawal - my nervous system is right now so sensitive to stuff even listening to music or playing faster paced video games leaves me extremely stressed. I can’t get invested into stuff too much, the more emotion something evokes (I’m still numb though), the more stressed I’m left after that.

Can’t tolerate well harder to digest food right now as well.

 

Hope that helps.

Hi @SunnyRainyDaysthank you for your replay. Yes it helped me a little, I read you thread today. I don’t recognize that you send me an answer. I also go thru the same, but my suicidal thoughts are not so often, maybe for 3-4 times in the week. But yes, they are really scary and when they hit, nothing else matters. Just to survive! 
 

i read that you will do hypnosis. I really hope it will help. 
 

we also have the same timeframe, I quit a little bit later but, but I will also be 4 month out! 
 

i wish you the best. 

[SunnyRainyDays]

Guest

Hi! My suicidal thoughts sadly are present for most of the day, sometimes stronger sometimes weaker, at least for now. Before the crash I had them rarer.

I don’t even want to die, I just don’t want to suffer. During difficult WD times I often have the wish to be in coma so I can wake up two years later and be done with all of withdrawal.

 

I read you currently have them severely. One month after quitting Mirtazapine I had them to an unbearable degree for two weeks. 98% of the day I longed for death, I felt like I’ll be suffering forever, like my past is haunting me and telling there is no hope, what will become of you if you were already twice in mental hospitals? If you already suffered with fears for some years, so you think it will stop? And so on and so on. It was horrible, I nearly attempted it. I wanted it so badly - or at least my pill-deprived brain wanted me to do it. I scrolled the internet the whole day and read about suicide. I seriously thought about applying for assisted suicide, and looked up all information I could find.

A few days after it it got better and I hadn’t had such severity since then. This what I have now is butterbread compared to what those two weeks were.

 

It gets better, withdrawal is doing all crazy things with you. I’ve cycled through a few different personalities since withdrawal started. A week ago I was super chatty and social, now I feel like I don’t even want to leave my house.

My tip is: Don’t bother so much with what withdrawal is doing. Occupy yourself with something and wait for it to pass - it’s the best strategy.

[Guest]

On 7/23/2022 at 1:04 PM, SunnyRainyDays said:

Guest

Hi! My suicidal thoughts sadly are present for most of the day, sometimes stronger sometimes weaker, at least for now. Before the crash I had them rarer.

I don’t even want to die, I just don’t want to suffer. During difficult WD times I often have the wish to be in coma so I can wake up two years later and be done with all of withdrawal.

 

I read you currently have them severely. One month after quitting Mirtazapine I had them to an unbearable degree for two weeks. 98% of the day I longed for death, I felt like I’ll be suffering forever, like my past is haunting me and telling there is no hope, what will become of you if you were already twice in mental hospitals? If you already suffered with fears for some years, so you think it will stop? And so on and so on. It was horrible, I nearly attempted it. I wanted it so badly - or at least my pill-deprived brain wanted me to do it. I scrolled the internet the whole day and read about suicide. I seriously thought about applying for assisted suicide, and looked up all information I could find.

A few days after it it got better and I hadn’t had such severity since then. This what I have now is butterbread compared to what those two weeks were.

 

It gets better, withdrawal is doing all crazy things with you. I’ve cycled through a few different personalities since withdrawal started. A week ago I was super chatty and social, now I feel like I don’t even want to leave my house.

My tip is: Don’t bother so much with what withdrawal is doing. Occupy yourself with something and wait for it to pass - it’s the best strategy.

Thank you a lot! But how can you survive this so long. I also have anhedonia. My brain feels frozen! I don’t know what should I belive anymore! Can I contact you via DM, I saw that you are from Germany too!

 

im not sure anymore do I should belive in withdrawal because there is no probe for this! All the people suffer so much and no one can help! 

[SunnyRainyDays]

1 hour ago, Quittingquentiapin said:

Thank you a lot! But how can you survive this so long. I also have anhedonia. My brain feels frozen! I don’t know what should I belive anymore! Can I contact you via DM, I saw that you are from Germany too!

 

im not sure anymore do I should belive in withdrawal because there is no probe for this! All the people suffer so much and no one can help! 

I’m also at loss about whether this is really WD, whether it really exists. Suffering through it is really hard… my parents deny the existence of withdrawal, which makes it worse as they think I’m buried in mental problems.

I think it’s so though because you don’t remember after some months how you even were before, and can’t tell anymore the difference between WD and normality. I don’t know anymore what is me and what is WD. And sometimes cannot believe WD still exists after so long.

 

I have emotional numbing too, though not as bad as others describe theirs. In windows I feel some emotions, outside of windows I feel them on a surface-level: I know for example I’m sad or angry, but I just don’t feel it. I know though I feel it, it’s just like it’s buried somewhere. I do not feel happiness though at all, except briefly in windows. But it’s horrible to feel nothing at all… I had that on Effoxor, it’s a nightmare. That’s why I quit cold turkey, I couldn’t bear the numbing anymore.

 

If you want to talk, sure you can DM me! We can talk in German too, I don’t mind.

[rupa]

3 hours ago, Quittingquentiapin said:

Thank you a lot! But how can you survive this so long. I also have anhedonia. My brain feels frozen! I don’t know what should I belive anymore! Can I contact you via DM, I saw that you are from Germany too!

 

im not sure anymore do I should belive in withdrawal because there is no probe for this! All the people suffer so much and no one can help! 

Brain is a wonderful thing.

 

Patience is what leads to normal function of brain gradually.

 

[SunnyRainyDays]

Update 6#

-----------

I guessed I'd drop by since I quit now exactly 4 months ago Mirtazapine (4th April).

Not much to say, some days are better, some worse as it is with WD. Nothing I can't handle or wait through patiently though.

My suicidal ideation got better as did other bothersome symptoms like PSSD (which gets better and worsens like mood swings, on some days I'd have complete numbness and on others it's okay. It just appeared suddenly after 2 months of quitting and I didn't notice it as much until a few weeks ago because I was too occupied with surviving the horrible suicidality and other symptoms.) When I noticed I panicked, and since the internet isn't so cheerful about PSSD I panicked even more, because permanent damage everywhere. But after 3 days on the internet obsessing over it I also found a lot of recovery stories (some after hell 10 years, wow) and too found out that it mostly takes 1 to few years for it to get better, so I just accepted that I'd have to be patient.

Also I had to think logically, because I'm still in WD. I can start worrying when I'm two years after WD. And it already got better so I shouldn't be catastrophizing...

 

I still have quite the brainfog, now depersonalization came too, sometimes my anxiety flares up extremely, often I feel brain dead or completely out of touch with reality, and the anhedonia is there too. I'm very close to the beginning of my period, so I know WD gets really bad at that time (and a few days after my period).

I also had very vague and short windows the last few days, but they're already sweet, motivational memories. Especially since for the first time since WD I felt for a few minutes an actual happy-sadness, like, an actual one, not such a flat-surface-emotion. Feeling a bit of emotions, even if just for a few minutes, since 4 months of feeling nothing - it's amazing. And not overwhelming like I thought it would be when it crashes into you suddenly. Feeling something really makes you want to live.

 

4 Months through, keeping strong! WD makes those 4 months feel like 4 years.

 

[Ariel]

Hi @SunnyRainyDays

Good to read your update. 

I'm sorry it's still very hard, and also glad to hear you are experiencing some windows, however small. 

 

20 hours ago, SunnyRainyDays said:

I also had very vague and short windows the last few days, but they're already sweet, motivational memories. Especially since for the first time since WD I felt for a few minutes an actual happy-sadness, like, an actual one, not such a flat-surface-emotion. Feeling a bit of emotions, even if just for a few minutes, since 4 months of feeling nothing - it's amazing. And not overwhelming like I thought it would be when it crashes into you suddenly. Feeling something really makes you want to live.

 

This sounds really positive, SRD.

Thank you for sharing. 

 

20 hours ago, SunnyRainyDays said:

4 Months through, keeping strong! WD makes those 4 months feel like 4 years.

 

You have a great attitude. 

I believe in you. 

 

Sending healing vibes <3

A.