theheartalways: protracted withdrawal >6 months after coming off SSRIs

[theheartalways]

finally discovering the ramifications of protracted withdrawal on me more than 6 months after coming off SSRIs

 

Hi everyone,

I'm 21 years old and currently live in Canada. 

 

For my mind, the past three years have been eventful and chaotic to say the least. My signature under my post will give you a full timeline, but to be brief, I was on escitalopram (SSRI) and venlafaxine (SNRI) over different points between 2019 and 2021. My time on those medications felt like being a frog in a pot with water slowly heating up, I lost control slowly and didn't really notice how the medication had affected my personality, memory, and ability to fully feel emotions. There were moments where I could somewhat feel the numbness but my self-awareness sort of faded. Memory was a big issue, I felt very in the moment. But if you had asked me how I felt then, I would've likely been too out of it to understand myself and tell you these things. It is only nowadays that I am gaining partial clarity to understand that time entirely.

 

I came off Escitalopram in Aug/Sep 2021 (this being the last time I was on SSRI/SNRIs) over a near-two week period that was advised by my doctor. I assumed this was normal and he warned me that I could face physical and mental withdrawal symptoms during this time and for a month or two after. I never expected it to last so much longer than that. The reality is I'm still grappling heavily with what I believe is protracted withdrawal. After that two week period, the metaphorical ice of numbness and lack of self-awareness that consumed me started to melt slowly. By the end of the year, I was starting to progressively feel more depressed and anxious, but a lot of that numbness was still there. I also started to get small memories back, things I hadn't remembered from my past during my time on the medication. It was weird.

 

By February/March, withdrawal became absolute hell. I became much more depressed and anxious. Memories from before and during my time on the medication that I had forgotten would come back, but they were mostly bad memories and stoked anxiety in me. My general memory was still horrible and there were periods where I had trouble remembering parts of my days. I hit my lowest point in my life during this time and somehow managed to hold my social life together while not telling anybody. I was embarrassed that I had become so fragile and I didn't even have the words to explain my situation to anybody. Looking back now, it felt like my life was shattering in my own hands at the time. My doctor put me on two other kinds of medications during this time and I'm still on them today and do not have issues with them as they are not SSRIs.

 

The big thing here is that I'm only starting to realize exactly what I was going through back then, right now. At the time I was extremely numb, forgetful, and not self-aware enough to fully take into account what was happening during withdrawal or to even understand that what I was going through was withdrawal.

 

The period of me realizing all of this was both terrifying and beautiful at the same time, as it took place in April-current day of this year. In early April I was really hitting a wall mentally and I started to ask myself if medication had done this and I went looking for answers and found this forum. I cannot stress enough that finding all of you, understanding that what I was going through was withdrawal, and finding out that I wasn't alone... it was life changing. I finally started to understand what was happening to me and I read many posts and saw my symptoms matched to a tee.

 

The process since has had its ups and downs. I've gained a foothold in my recovery and I'm definitely over the halfway-point. My memory is slowly improving and I'm becoming more self aware, at least enough to start realizing all the damage that was done and making plans and applying them to get myself out and to continue healing. The toll on my social life has been significant and I find myself needing large amounts of time alone to be with myself, but I still keep close with my friends and my time alone has felt very healthy and productive. Rediscovering myself has felt like a process of seeing a best friend after having been separated with little communication for many years. It's amazing but intense and it's a process of getting to know one another again.

 

So, that's pretty much my story to the current day. I feel 60%-70% healed when I consider everything. Having this forum to read up on has been a lifesaver and now that I'm at a pretty stable point, I figured I'd drop and speak with all of you. To the people who are in a position of withdrawal from SSRIs or any other medication, I wish you the best of health and the best recovery possible. This is a long and difficult process but in time it will get better, I promise.

 

Thank you all for reading this.

 

Edited July 1, 2022 by ChessieCat
added long title before shortening

[Onmyway]

Hi @theheartalways, 

welcome to SA. I am sorry you suffered and are still suffering your withdrawal and am glad that you find SA helpful. 

Hope you get better quickly, 

OMW

[NardilTime]

I hate to be the person to say this, but as bad as things are for you (and they are bad, I’m not minimizing your suffering) at least you’re realizing the truth about these drugs at 21. I’m 43, was on them for 20 years, and spent ten years with off and on akathisia. You don’t wanna know that hell. Muscle through this withdrawal the best you can, get of all the drugs, never take any of them again, and enjoy the rest of your life. I’m happy that you’ll soon be free and at a young age. 

[Ariel]

Hello @theheartalways,

Belated welcome to SA. 

I'm sorry for what has brought you here and glad you found us. 

 

Escitalopram is a very potent drug and difficult to come off of. I am in protracted withdrawal from it as well. There are a bunch of us here. 

Something that has helped me is learning how very strong escitalopram is -- SA taught me that (see here). 

It was too late for me to change anything, as I didn't discover I was in withdrawal until years down the line, but it helped me understand why things were as bad as they were. 

The good news is that it gets better, as you also say. I am healing, and so are you. 

 

On 7/1/2022 at 1:44 AM, theheartalways said:

The process since has had its ups and downs. I've gained a foothold in my recovery and I'm definitely over the halfway-point. My memory is slowly improving and I'm becoming more self aware, at least enough to start realizing all the damage that was done and making plans and applying them to get myself out and to continue healing. The toll on my social life has been significant and I find myself needing large amounts of time alone to be with myself, but I still keep close with my friends and my time alone has felt very healthy and productive. Rediscovering myself has felt like a process of seeing a best friend after having been separated with little communication for many years. It's amazing but intense and it's a process of getting to know one another again.

 

This is beautiful to read. 

 

It's good to hear you that you are now at a "pretty stable point". 

As Nardil has pointed out, you are young, which is certainly to your advantage. 

You also seem to have a positive attitude that is serving you well.  

 

On 7/1/2022 at 1:44 AM, theheartalways said:

My doctor put me on two other kinds of medications during this time and I'm still on them today and do not have issues with them as they are not SSRIs.

 

This may be obvious, and you may already know this, but just in case, erring on the side of clarity -- if you ever decide to come off of these drugs, they should be tapered carefully. 

I'm glad you now are familiar with SA and know where to turn for information and support should you want/need it down the line. 

 

Wishing you the best of luck on your continuous healing journey,

A. 

[theheartalways]

On 7/2/2022 at 9:56 PM, Onmyway said:

Hi @theheartalways, 

welcome to SA. I am sorry you suffered and are still suffering your withdrawal and am glad that you find SA helpful. 

Hope you get better quickly, 

OMW

Hi @Onmyway thank you for the reply and good wishes. I've found SA so supportive and helpful and I'm grateful I found this site

Best,

-Heart

[theheartalways]

On 7/3/2022 at 8:27 AM, NardilTime said:

I hate to be the person to say this, but as bad as things are for you (and they are bad, I’m not minimizing your suffering) at least you’re realizing the truth about these drugs at 21. I’m 43, was on them for 20 years, and spent ten years with off and on akathisia. You don’t wanna know that hell. Muscle through this withdrawal the best you can, get of all the drugs, never take any of them again, and enjoy the rest of your life. I’m happy that you’ll soon be free and at a young age. 

Hi @NardilTime, no worries at all! This definitely makes sense and I'm so sorry that you had so many years affected by akathisia from your medication, I can only imagine how difficult that must have been. I hope you are doing well too, nonetheless. Thank you for your reply and the support.

Best,

-Heart

[theheartalways]

8 hours ago, Ariel said:

Hello @theheartalways,

Belated welcome to SA. 

I'm sorry for what has brought you here and glad you found us. 

 

Escitalopram is a very potent drug and difficult to come off of. I am in protracted withdrawal from it as well. There are a bunch of us here. 

Something that has helped me is learning how very strong escitalopram is -- SA taught me that (see here). 

It was too late for me to change anything, as I didn't discover I was in withdrawal until years down the line, but it helped me understand why things were as bad as they were. 

The good news is that it gets better, as you also say. I am healing, and so are you. 

 

 

This is beautiful to read. 

 

It's good to hear you that you are now at a "pretty stable point". 

As Nardil has pointed out, you are young, which is certainly to your advantage. 

You also seem to have a positive attitude that is serving you well.  

 

 

This may be obvious, and you may already know this, but just in case, erring on the side of clarity -- if you ever decide to come off of these drugs, they should be tapered carefully. 

I'm glad you now are familiar with SA and know where to turn for information and support should you want/need it down the line. 

 

Wishing you the best of luck on your continuous healing journey,

A. 

Hello @Ariel. Thank you for such a sweet reply!

 

Yes, from what I've seen from so many accounts on this site, it seems that Escitalopram has been very strong and has been a difficult medication for so many of us. I'm sorry to hear that you're also in protracted withdrawal, and I hope that your recovery is going well. It really is scary how being in withdrawal itself can make it hard to realize that you are in withdrawal. I'm glad that you eventually found out, though I'm sure it was extremely hard to go years without knowing. 

 

Nardil definitely is right, I'm glad I caught this early because chances are if I hadn't understood what all of this was and assumed it was a bout of depression or something, I may have gone back on escitalopram and continued the cycle. I'm glad about where I am now, but I still find it difficult not to feel mentally out of it some days and explaining all of this to my loved ones has been hit or miss, largely because I too am only starting to really understand the extent of how it affected my personality and how I'm changing from it now. That being said, I have a lot of hope and my thoughts are with those who are in the same situation as us or who are just beginning it now, I hope they find this page and access the resources they need while in tapering and withdrawal.

 

As for the tapering off of my current medication (wellbutrin and buspirone), thank you for reminding me. I agree, I'll definitely be tapering slowly when I come off of them. I hope to start the process once I reach a point in my recovery from Escitalopram where I feel I can do this.

 

Thank you for the well wishes, I send the same to you!

Best,

-Heart