Elaine5: Introduction

[Elaine5]

@Altostrata feels like a burning itch, or tingling throughout my body that comes on suddenly and makes me feel like something is wrong, want to jump out of skin, cannot be distracted by anything else when it’s very bad. Inability to relax because this feeling is at once phantom in that it can’t be pinpointed any one place, but all consuming in that it’s everywhere. Its usually accompanied by other symptoms like gerd, burning, headache, mental block, fear, agitation, dysphoria, just discomfort. It’s less of a pacing and more of a inability to relax because my body/mind is aware something is not right. 
 

@manymoretodaysyes I had a couple really good days! Last night into now I have that akithisa feeling of burning and distraction and discomfort. 
 

As for not having withdrawl symptoms, I guess you mean from stopping the Buspar last week. That’s good- I don’t want to reinstate as I attribute the Akathisia to Buspar. 
 

I think the propanolol has helped. The belsomra…. I am not sure. Will try tapering off that once I have a better handle on akithisa…. Although you’re right, belsomra could be contributing. 
 

 

[Elaine5]

@manymoretodaysthank you for this encouragement. And about moms. 
 

I’m 30 and feeling very very much limited and broken right now as I watch the people around me grow and do and be. 
 

in terms of healing, are my chances for emotional anesthesia improving now less because I upset my system more and developed Akathisia too? Sometimes I wonder what I’m even holding for if it’s going to be a life of pain, solitude, and flatness. 

[PortugueseSea]

2 hours ago, ElaineBenes5 said:

feels like a burning itch, or tingling throughout my body that comes on suddenly and makes me feel like something is wrong, want to jump out of skin, cannot be distracted by anything else when it’s very bad. Inability to relax because this feeling is at once phantom in that it can’t be pinpointed any one place, but all consuming in that it’s everywhere. Its usually accompanied by other symptoms like gerd, burning, headache, mental block, fear, agitation, dysphoria, just discomfort. It’s less of a pacing and more of a inability to relax because my body/mind is aware something is not right. 

Your inner akathisia description perfectly matches mine, except for the fact that mine now is less diffuse and more focused on the neck/head area. If, as Alto, stated, this seems more like a paradoxical reaction, hopefully at lower doses you will find relief. I think that at 9 months away from the original causative agent I am having the same issue with my drug.

[Altostrata]

On 12/9/2022 at 7:45 AM, ElaineBenes5 said:

@Altostrata feels like a burning itch, or tingling throughout my body that comes on suddenly and makes me feel like something is wrong, want to jump out of skin, cannot be distracted by anything else when it’s very bad. Inability to relax because this feeling is at once phantom in that it can’t be pinpointed any one place, but all consuming in that it’s everywhere. Its usually accompanied by other symptoms like gerd, burning, headache, mental block, fear, agitation, dysphoria, just discomfort. It’s less of a pacing and more of a inability to relax because my body/mind is aware something is not right. 

....

 

I am confused. Your daily symptom notes do not show this at all.

[Elaine5]

2 hours ago, Altostrata said:

 

I am confused. Your daily symptom notes do not show this at all.

Notes from 12/6 include this. It’s also there sporadically the next day. 

[Elaine5]

On 12/7/2022 at 12:20 PM, ElaineBenes5 said:

@manymoretodays  I think the Propanolol is helping or at least doing something? Windows idk because I was mostly okay before Nov 22. So this was sudden and then progressively worse. 
 

as for coping, drawing, messaging friends, talking to my mom (which is taking a big toll on her), breathing, watching tv for some kind of distraction, taking a nice shower, going for a drive with a friend/family member, calling a crisis line to chat, playing with my dog- granted all these things I can do but offer very little in the way of comfort or distraction when things are bad. I will still try. 
 

thank you for helping me try to figure this out and make it through this. I appreciate you. 
 

notes

12/6 

 

2am - can’t sleep, feel panicky, , body is hot, scared, want to jump out of my skin but can’t. Take 10mg propanolol. Sleep a bit. 

 

7am - family making noise wake up and go to other room. Feel sleepy and uncomfortable. Sleep some, lay there.  

11am - get out of bed. Feel weird but not too terrible. Have pbj sandwich.

 

12pm- at IOP group therapy (went for insomnia caused by “anxiety” originally) feel restless but not terrible, laugh with some friends there 

12:30pm take 10mg Propanolol. Feel crummy but not intolerable. Some dysphoria, but don’t want to die. 

3:00pm eat chicken sandwich and drive home. Feeling uneasy, inner restlessness very bad, SI, don’t know how much longer I can feel like this. 

4:00pm feeling better, almost normal, watching funny videos and laughing 

 

6:00pm feel like I need to die, in pain, trying to figure out where pain is coming from but when I scan my body there is none, it’s so weird. 

 

7:00pm feeling lethargic and uncomfortable but don’t want to die, go for a drive with my mom and to grocery store. Have some laughs. Feel like I have bad gerd/acid reflux? Even in ear canals too. 

7:30pm - wave of sadness - think of how strong and dynamic I was just a short while ago, think of my ex and how he’s doing just fine, and how I don’t know if I’ll live or die through all this. 
 

8:00pm - eat Greek salad, chicken,  for dinner with bread roll, feel in bit better spirits! Watch funny videos with my mom and feel okay, even kind of normal? 
 

8:40pm ears feel hot, feel a little uneasy, keep asking my family am I going to make it though this and be myself again? Some hot pressure in left side of head, some slight tingling in head. Popping in legs. 

9:30 back feels hot, but in relatively good spirits, watching Sebastian Maniscalco 

 

10:00 pm thighs popping like restless legs slightly, feel GERD again and ears/area around ears feels uncomfortable, but nothing terrible. 
 

10:30pm feeling off, unpleasant dysphoria but nothing intolerable.  took 10mg propanolol. Starting to get nervous and anticipate what horror awaits me. 

10:45pm feel some popping/tingling throughout body, like restless legs feeling but in arms and back. Back starting to feel hot/burn slightly. Glands on side of head by ears feel irritated. Realize I’ve been sitting calmly without any fidgeting for the last 2 hours. Feel crummy. Head is throbbing a bit. Eyes feel tired and worn out, general headache setting in on top of weird Akathisia head feeling. I would go to take a Motrin, but idk what is Akathisia, what is pain, and if anything will help or make it worse. 
 

11pm - feel crummy but don’t want to die. Head pressure feels tense. Ears feel irritated and throbbing. Eyes heavy. GERD. Watching a prison documentary and focuses in on it. Fidgeting a bit on the couch (flexing toes, playing with remote, nothing noticeable to others). 
 

11:30 head tingling, body tingling. Head pressure. Thighs feel hot. But not deathly? Just really crummy. Had a good laugh at Seinfeld. Feel tired but not sleepy or relaxed or comfy. 
 

11:50pm take 20mg Belsomra feel okay but afraid to go to bed and have an “on guard” feeling. 

12/7 

12:30am actually feel great. Joke around with a friend. Dance around the living room rona song. Get into some discussion about history. Feeling good feeling like myself. Some head pressure in the background. Go to bed. 
 

around/before 2:00am after dozing off for a few moments I wake up with panic, burning tingling throughout body, inner restlessness, and I get out of bed to have some water. Very uncomfortable and scared. Overwhelming discomfort and feeling that “things are not right.” Go back to bed and sleep a bit. 
 

7:30am wake up by alarm. After being awake a few moments I can still feel the burning restlessness and discomfort. Try to go back to sleep. Take 10 mg propanolol 
 

10 am - woken up by family; irritable go back to sleep after tossing and turning 

 

12pm -  startled awake by end of bad dream. Get out of bed. Feel uncomfortable and scared, some hot/burning/tingling. Feel restless energy in calves like restless legs. GERD feeling in esophagus and feel my ear canals are irritated. Eat bagel for breakfast. 
 

( I underlined times I took meds and bolded times symptoms were unbearable) 

 

[Altostrata]

Please post your current daily symptom pattern.

[Elaine5]

12/10 

- 12pm get out of bed, 9 hours sleep unbroken (this has been very rare since mid September), take 10mg propanolol, feel no Akathisia  but very anhedonic/flat/disconnected 

- 2pm feel more energy and motivation go shopping and for a drive 

-4pm enjoying listening to music and connecting to some emotions 

-6pm dinner 

-7pm wave of sadness/anger/irritability 

-8:30pm take 10mg propanolol feeling better 

- 10:30pm feel great, enjoying tv, and talking to friend 

 

12/11

-12:30am take 20mg Belsomra

- 2am feel weird, body burning feeling, inner discomfort, getting nervous but breathe through it, feels less bad than it has in the past, sleep in and out 

- 8am wake take 10mg Propanolol still feel akathetic and uncomfortable go back to sleep 

- 12 pm get out of bed, feel very flat/anhedonic

- 1pm feel a bit better, go pick up bagels, drive around 

-3pm still feel largely flat and anhedonic and disconnected, watch comedy special and laugh along I guess 

- 5pm  take propanolol 10mg 

-5:50pm feel total nothingness, disconnection 

- 6:50 feeling of disconnection and blankness continues and intensifies, feeling inwardly nervous and uncomfortable about feeling so flat, hard to focus and follow along with tv and conversations, headache, feels like I’m underwater or behind glass or something 

-11pm have a cheese sandwich snack, feel “almost” okay- like not terrified, but not good… headache, lethargy, demotovation, disconnection, but also a desire to just be. 
11:30pm feel relatively okay- like I could feel like this as long as it’s not for too long? Feel out if it like when you have the flu or something, but without feeling actually sick. Bad headache and feel crummy in general.

 

12/12

-12am feel very good, relaxed, happy, normal

- 12:50am take 10mg Propanolol, feel tingly/popping/shaky energy in legs but goes away 

- 1:50 am take 20mg Belsomra, 

-2 am feel a bit weird, hard to describe, like something bad is about to happen but doesn’t, notice some shaky feeling in leg muscles and tongue even, go to sleep by around 3am 

- 10am wake up, go back to sleep 

- 1:30pm wake up get out of bed (sleep about 10 hours?!) feel very flat, cold/dead inside, disconnected, this makes me feel unsettled/nervous

- 2pm take 10mg propanolol 

-2:30 eat lunch of lamb and potatoes, scroll phone and feel panicky that I don’t feel connected to anything (this is a different feeling than what I associate with the Akathisia feeling- this feels like I’m floating kind of it? Not really connected to anything and here but not really here?? 
- 3:15pm call mom, talk, walk dog 

-4pm feel very lethargic, tired, no motivation or desire to do anything at all 

-4:15 wave of extreme sadness, crying, missing someone, missing myself.

-5pm go for a drive 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

[Elaine5]

Am I just going to feel miserable and debilitated forever ???? 

[Mango123]

My dear, for me this shows that you have  fluctuations in your symptoms, which should give you hope!

It does not Sound like permanent med induced emotional blunting (pssd). There are moments during your day where you even feel happy or where you can cry of sadness. I guess this is a good step forward, eventhough it seems like you cant see it..

Keep up your hope!

 

[Altostrata]

2 hours ago, ElaineBenes5 said:

Am I just going to feel miserable and debilitated forever ???? 

 

Looks like you might have a hangover from Belsomra. Fatigue is a common adverse effect of propranolol twice a day.

 

It appears you have adverse effects from the drugs you're currently taking. There are no signs of withdrawal or akathisia in your symptom pattern.

[Elaine5]

It had been a pretty chill few days free of Akathisia largely. Last night and today that changed. 

12/12 continued 

-8pm feeling better, more in the moment, better mood

-11pm take 10mg propanolol, relax watching tv 

 

12/13 

-2am take 20mg Belsomra 

-2:30 feel inner discomfort, restless, but not extreme, try to sleep

-4:30am wake up with panic/terror, inner discomfort, twitching in head/brain and neck- feel slight burning feeling, get up and walk around, try to go back to sleep 7/10 

-7am wake up take 10mg propanoloo, feel inner discomfort and restless still 6/10 

- 10am get out of bed (probably 3ish hours solid sleep) take 5mg extra Propanolol because feeling inner restless/discomfort still growing 

- 12pm feeling less scared, more positive, but still uncomfortable, burning popping discomfort in calves, feet, and legs, inner restlessness subsides somewhat. 4/10 

-2pm very internally restless, want to get out of skin, can’t get comfortable, irritable 8/10 

- 3pm feel flat and lethargic 

-3:30 take 10mg propanolol

 

[Altostrata]

You are getting a paradoxical reaction from 20mg Belsomra, the dosage is too strong. You might consider tapering Belsomra. What was your prescriber's plan for this?

[Elaine5]

I will ask their plan on coming off Belsomra, or lowering the dose. It definitely ain’t going to be 10% a month though. 
 

i can’t tell now if what im experiencing is akithisa or a sense of unreality. I don’t know what is what. I don’t know anything here except this doesn’t feel good. Nothing feels quite right and it’s scary. 
 

i want to make it through this and feel better. Feel comfortable. Feel safe. Feel happy. I don’t need romance or anything like that at this point. If I could just feel comfortable and content I would be so so grateful. I’m not a good judge of if things are getting better or not. Today I took a shower, did my makeup, cooked, drove, shopped, and talked to friends. I just carried this inner mental glitch with me everywhere, that everything felt askew- I did all the things, but I have this constant feeling of something being off…. And it means I cannot be truly present and it will surely drive me crazy if I doesn’t go away or I don’t learn to ignore it. It’s like I feel calm, I felt chill, but in my head it’s like a little nagging feeling of “what if” that won’t go away for a second. 

[Elaine5]

I took a 15mg dose of Belsomra last two nights to see if that would help. First night it seemed to be better, but last night into today- not good at all. Akathisia feeling which developed about half hour after taking belsomra (bearable) skyrocketed around 7am- woke up very uncomfortable only a few hours after falling asleep and feel burning discomfort that is unplaceable/untraceable, nervousness, headache, inner restless, and outer restlessness- feel like I’m freaking out internally. 

[Altostrata]

13 hours ago, ElaineBenes5 said:

Akathisia feeling which developed about half hour after taking belsomra (bearable) skyrocketed around 7am

 

Since this developed after you took Belsomra, it may be another adverse reaction from Belsomra being too strong for you.

 

Be sure to read this https://walrus.com/questions/can-you-split-belsomra

[Elaine5]

Okay, this could be what is happening then. 
 

it is a very difficult pill to split and extremely expensive.

 

any thoughts on weighing the cost/benefit of not making any more changes having made many changes recently vs. tapering belsomra now? 
 

i do usually feel better right around the time I’m due to take a belsomra again. So it could be that this is not textbook Akathisia, but a paradoxical reaction to belsomra. At least now anyway. This has all been so confusing. Thanks for the insight. 
 

I am stuck because I don’t know if making another change will rock the boat or be what helps. 

[Elaine5]

I haven’t had the burning restless terror in a while. However, my days are turning into constant voids which is making me very anxious. It’s like worsened anhedonia and anesthesia, with no motivation or interest in anything- and this makes me very nervous. 
 

it’s like there is no interaction with anything around me so internally I’m like wtf why can’t I feel any goodness whatsoever and then internallybfreak out. 

 

this is turning into most of every day lately. I used to have days of pretty normal ness, now it has been near constant disconnection and anhedonia and complete loss of any good feeling. 

[Altostrata]

On 12/19/2022 at 4:02 PM, ElaineBenes5 said:

So it could be that this is not textbook Akathisia, but a paradoxical reaction to belsomra.

 

If it happens after you take Belsomra, it's more likely due to the Belsomra.

 

How long have you been taking 10mg propanolol 3 times a day? Are you taking it on a regular schedule?

 

Going on and off drugs and taking antidepressants tends to be wearing on your nervous system. Many people here find that the effect of the drugs is emotionally numbing. You might stop switching drugs and let your nervous system go back to normal.

[Elaine5]

I think that while I was on Buspar and Belsomra that the Buspar countered some of the Belsomra, as it is processed by the same enzyme. 
 

now that I’ve stopped Buspar, the belsomra dose is truly too high and I am feeling weird as a result of that. 
 

being on two “brakes” propanolol and Belsomra could be causing a paradoxical reaction. I think my best bet is to decrease my intake of Belsomra. I feel lethargic, cloudy, not myself, dysphoric, and stuck during most of the day which can be attributed to Belsomra. 
 

the akithetic feelings may be attached to this or separate from it, idk- but I feel awful and I to do something about it. So I think tapering off Belsomra will be the best bet. I will develop a plan with the psychiatrist I have now who is at least aware or akathisa and is open to understanding the negative effects of these drugs. I am so disappointed in my previous doctor who caused this problem and then is nowhere to be found when something goes wrong. She’s is a real classless imposter who bullied me into taking these medications despite my own advocacy and research. I feel so poorly and not myself that I do not know if I will make it through this. 
 

i am supposed to go back to work after break and I have no way of doing that right now. It takes everything to make it through the next day. 

[Elaine5]

I will be dropping down to 15mg Belsomra for the next few nights, then 10, then 5, then 2.5 over the next few weeks to come off this medication. 
 

my psych agrees that it could be causing dysphoria, agitation, and dissociation/depersonalization. 
 

he argued that what I’m describing mainly now, feeling under water in a bad way, disconnected, not able to engage in things around me, depersonalized sounds unlike Akathisia and more like too much depressant. 
 

I did some research and found a study that used Belsomra to attenuate the reward feeling from using cocaine. This would implicate attenuating dopamine which could be related to Akathisia and certainly dysphoria. 
 

my symptoms as of now are: 

- feeling disconnected and not in the present moment

- trapped behind glass/underwater separate from my surroundings and my own self 

- parenthesia feeling in back, head, neck, arms, legs sometimes

- severe anhedonia/no interests, no reward 

- tired despite at least some sleep

- sleeping in the am through afternoon 

- some restlessness- having to stand up when I feel things are off, walk around,tap foot or fingers sometimes 

- feeling very weak

- feeling hopeless and wanting to die

- no motivation

- headache 

- feeling depressed, crying 

- feeling cold and hot

- pssd continues but the least of my worries now 

[Elaine5]

@Rosettahi Rosetta, you seem super supportive and I wanted to ask if what I’m describing sounds like Akathisia to you. If so, could you offer any help for the mental/inner aka? 
 

basically it feels like my mind is blocked off from everything around me and about me. I can’t engage with anything even though I really want to. It feels like I’m not in the present moment. This is making me feel very dysphoric and nervous and scared/unhappy. Although terror or inner restlessness aren’t primary issues here, feeling so out of the moment and unable to engage/interact makes me kind of freak out. Like I’m grasping for something to hold onto but just floating freely. 

[Elaine5]

Just documenting this here; 

 

And again, about 24 hours after my last dose of Belsomra, just before I’m supposed to take it again, I feel nearly completely normal- laughing, calm, happy, in my body, myself. 
 

so I really hope this hypothesis holds up and I wish I kept at the lower dose of Belsomra last week when I tried it out. 

[Elaine5]

Well the normal feelings lasted for a couple of hours but I did start to feel off/flat even before I took the Belsomra last night. I took 15mg and then couldn’t really sleep week becaue I felt a return of the disconnection feeling, something being off, and then by morning the burning restlessness of Akathisia. 
 

So it seems like I’m dealing with two things here, 1)the burning restlessness that is very uncomfortable and distracting and makes me want to squirm, fidget, whatever just not be really present or comfortable or relaxed and then 2) a dissociation feeling where my mind feels blocked from thoughts, good feelings, the present reality, and I feel sort of trapped inside myself or under water or behind glass, cut off from my own mind. Either way, there is no relaxation happening, it’s uncomfortable, and close to unbearable. When these happen together it’s truly unbearable. 
 

right now my legs feel like there are currents moving through them, I feel nervous in my chest and stomach, and my head feels loopy/airy. 
 

If these are related or not idk, but they suck and I just want to feel normal again. Both of these feelings make me uncomfortable and have SI and feel agitated. So I don’t know what to do in sticking with going lower on Belsomra or not. 

[Elaine5]

Barely slept last night. Had an okay morning/afternoon. Took my afternoon propanolol and an hour later immense akathisa- agrivated electric itch everywhere and supper short remembered and uncomfortable. Keep pacing around and taking deep breaths. 

[Elaine5]

Had a really solid, smooth overall akathisa free (mostly) day. Even yesterday it was pretty smooth. Today I felt normal for many hours. Took my evening propanolol around 11:30pm and the 15mg Belsomra around 1:30am (It’s much later than I’d like how can I move this earlier- just bring it back a half hour or an hour each night?) 

 

I feel asleep so peacefully for about an hoour. I even commented in my head ow comfortable I felt and safe and warm I felt in my bed and was thankful. I woke ip an hour later in panic feeling very weird, nervous, head tingly, had to jump out of bed, SI and just feeling really scared and dysphoric. Went and got a family member to sit with me and watch tv. Felt in relatively better spirits but head still feels tingly/weird and still nervous feeling.

 

on top of feeling loopy from belsomra. 
 

so idk if this is too much belsomra reaction or now I cut too much reaction. Do I continue with 15mg or go back up to 20mg? I have done 15mg the last two nights. If I wanted to taper slower, I could take the 20mg and slice off a smaller bit or else take 3 5mg pills and try breaking a 5 in half to do 17.5mg. The pills are extremely hard to break evenly and tiny. 

[getofflex]

I sounds as though you are experiencing the typical windows and waves pattern of nervous system destabilization, which was probably caused by the many psych drug changes over the past several years.  Unless there is an adverse drug reaction to your current drugs, we do not suggest you change your drug dosages based on windows and waves.  This will put you at risk of making you worse instead of helping.  Instead, we suggest you hold on your current doses of your drugs, and allow your system time to stabilize, and adjust to the previous drug changes.  

 

Keep It Simple, Slow, and Stable

 

What you describe sounds to me like depersonalization/derealization:  

 

On 12/23/2022 at 11:03 AM, ElaineBenes5 said:

2) a dissociation feeling where my mind feels blocked from thoughts, good feelings, the present reality, and I feel sort of trapped inside myself or under water or behind glass, cut off from my own mind.

 

On 12/22/2022 at 10:17 PM, ElaineBenes5 said:

basically it feels like my mind is blocked off from everything around me and about me. I can’t engage with anything even though I really want to. It feels like I’m not in the present moment.

Here is our thread about this:  

 

DP/DR

 

We need to try and figure out if this is withdrawal, or if it is an adverse reaction or possibly a combination of both. To see if there is an adverse reaction going on, please do a daily drug and symptoms journal.  Keep track of taking your drug, symptoms, eating, sleeping, etc.  Write the time on the left, and describe the event on the right.  Pay attention especially to how you feel before, and then after, you take your drug. Please do this for 24 hours, and post an entry in here for each 24 hour period.  Here is an example: 

 

6 AM woke with anxiety

8 am took 2.5 mg lexapro

10 am stomach is upset

10:30 am ate breakfast

11:35 am got a headache, lasted one hour

12:35 ate lunch

4 pm feel a bit better

5 pm took 2.5 mg lexapro

6 pm ate dinner

9:20 pm headache 

10:00 pm took 50 mg Seroquel

10:30 pm feeling dizzy

10:30 pm fell asleep 

2:30 am woke, took 3 mg Ambien

2:45 am fell asleep

4:30 am woke, but got back to sleep 

 

 

[getofflex]

5 hours ago, ElaineBenes5 said:

It’s much later than I’d like how can I move this earlier- just bring it back a half hour or an hour each night?) 

Yes, or even by an hour each night is OK. 

[Elaine5]

@getofflex I had three days 12/23,24,25) that overall were good- enjoyable and almost normal. = good news! 
 

**note belsomra dosage change started 12/22 drop from 20 to 15 mg at night. 
 

**current propanolol is 20 in am, 10 afternoon, 20 bedtime. 

Im noticing a pattern lately when after being intimate Akathisia skyrockets the next hours into next day. 
 

 

12/24 

- propanolol 20mg 9am 

- feel a bit nervous but okay 

-12:30pm take shower and feel almost okay 

- 2:30 feel some disconnection, slight restless feeling 

-5pm take 10mg propanolol 

- 6:30pm go for a drive and have small panic, feel entirely disconnected, can’t access good feelings or present moment, SI 

-7:30pm dinner with family, enjoyable, laughing feel better 

- 9pm feel mostly normal, enjoying, laughing- tolerable 

-12am take 20 mg Propanolol, call friend to wish merry Xmas feel in good spirits 

 

12/25 

- 1am take 15mg belsomra (lowered from 20mg since 12/22) 

- feel pretty good 

- 2:30am fall asleep 

-3:30am wake up with panic, feel nervous and restless, burning feeling, but internally I’m all right, don’t feel the intense dissociation/mental block, joke around with family member to try to push through, fall back asleep- no SI 

-7:30 wake up take 20 mg propanoloo fall back asleep and sleep until 10am ish 

- 11am feel calm, slightly disconnected eat French toast and fruit 

- 1pm take shower and get ready, have enough energy to get dressed up and do makeup which has not happened much at all lately, feeling GOOD 

- 3pm family time, enjoyable, but slightly disconnected 

-5pm take 20mg Propanolol 

- 6pm dinner with family, calm 

- 9pm feeling flat, sometimes this precedes Akathisia,

- 11 pm feel GREAT, laughing, in the present moment 

- 12 am take 20mg propanolol, feel good 

 

12/26 

- 1am feel surge of feelings, intimate (rare) 

- 1:30am take 15 mg belsomra

- 1:45am intimate, notice along with surge of feelings I also experience twitching in tongue, start to feel weird, lately anytime after climaxing I feel a surge of symptoms 

- 2:00 am feel restless energy/restless legs feeling in body, like a current of slight twitching internal tremor, distracting but not painful, worried it will get worse 

-3am restless tremor but internally/mentally okay 

- 4am trying to distract myself from worrying if it’s getting worse, enjoy some funny videos online, strange headache and notice tongue twitching sometimes too 

- 5am feel oddly lucid? Have intellectual conversation with friend

- 6am increasing nervousness that is uncontrollable, akathetic inner panic 

-7am fall asleep on couch in and out of sleep 

-9:30 wake up scared, very panicked, with muscle tremors that feel like currents, skin is hot/cold especially back neck and head take 20mg Propanolol 

- 10am feeling very nervous and very tired- what if thinking, SI 

- 11am try to do housework but have no energy or focus, feel nervous and hit/cold, very uncomfortable, walking around house- plop down on couch and feel a bit more still, tolerable, but still uncomfortable and so tired 

- 11:30am insanely exhausted feelin but scared to nap or else aggravate panic feeling/Akathisia- feeling calmer and still. Ears are hot? Bad headache, sleep deprived, and not happy. Eye twitching/tired from little sleep and a lot of screen time. Brain foggy, eyes out of focus, sleepy/loopy. But glad aka has calmed a bit now. Feel like if I could take a Tylenol right now I would feel mostly tolerable, but don’t want to risk anything. 
-12 pm eat breakfast of oatmeal with family, feel restlessness has passed now I’m just feeling sleep deprived and headache with malaise, so physically very crappy but a human feeling, not otherworldly panic or dissociation. 

 

[getofflex]

Thanks for providing your journals.  

 

Would you say that you feel consistently worse symptoms after you take any of your drugs?  I've read the journals, but it's hard for me to see a pattern, due to frequent med dosing.  You may be having a reaction to Belsomra, but I'm not sure, so I'm conferring with other staff to see what they think.  I base that on the fact that you are waking up activated 1/2 hour to 2.5 hours after taking it.  Please keep doing these journals.  Thanks.  

 

19 minutes ago, ElaineBenes5 said:

I had three days 12/23,24,25) that overall were good- enjoyable and almost normal. 

I'm glad to hear this.  

 

Please see my signature, and note that I ask not to be tagged.  Thank you.  

[Elaine5]

That’s my bad, didn’t see about tagging. Thanks for your help and happy holidays! 
 

Well it does seem to be that I have the worst episodes at night or after taking Belsomra. However there are sometimes in the day where I will suddenly develop restlessness or dissociation, so it is not 100% clear. 
 

often but not always I will feel best right around/before it’s time to take next Belsomra. 

[Elaine5]

12/26 

- 1am feel surge of feelings, intimate (rare) 

- 1:30am take 15 mg belsomra

- 1:45am intimate, notice along with surge of feelings I also experience twitching in tongue, start to feel weird, lately anytime after climaxing I feel a surge of symptoms 

- 2:00 am feel restless energy/restless legs feeling in body, like a current of slight twitching internal tremor, distracting but not painful, worried it will get worse 

-3am restless tremor but internally/mentally okay 

- 4am trying to distract myself from worrying if it’s getting worse, enjoy some funny videos online, strange headache and notice tongue twitching sometimes too 

- 5am feel oddly lucid? Have intellectual conversation with friend

- 6am increasing nervousness that is uncontrollable, akathetic inner panic 

-7am fall asleep on couch in and out of sleep 

-9:30 wake up scared, very panicked, with muscle tremors that feel like currents, skin is hot/cold especially back neck and head take 20mg Propanolol 

- 10am feeling very nervous and very tired- what if thinking, SI 

- 11am try to do housework but have no energy or focus, feel nervous and hit/cold, very uncomfortable, walking around house- plop down on couch and feel a bit more still, tolerable, but still uncomfortable and so tired 

- 11:30am insanely exhausted feelin but scared to nap or else aggravate panic feeling/Akathisia- feeling calmer and still. Ears are hot? Bad headache, sleep deprived, and not happy. Eye twitching/tired from little sleep and a lot of screen time. Brain foggy, eyes out of focus, sleepy/loopy. But glad aka has calmed a bit now. Feel like if I could take a Tylenol right now I would feel mostly tolerable, but don’t want to risk anything. 
-12 pm eat breakfast of oatmeal with family, feel restlessness has passed now I’m just feeling sleep deprived and headache with malaise, so physically very crappy but a human feeling, not otherworldly panic or dissociation. 
-1pm try to take nap but feel muscle spasm in tongue that freaks me out and some jerky muscles in feet 
-2pm feel tired, crappy, try to watch some tv 

-4:30 eat sandwich 

-5pm take 10mg propanolol 

-6:30pm take shower and notice twitching like feeling pretty much everywhere in neck tongue head face feet legs back…. Making me very very nervous 

-8pm run errands with family, feel upbeat while still lethargic and slow, but mentally okay! Still notice tongue spasms and weird temperature/sensation in back 

-8:3”pm dinner, feeling somewhat disconnected and flat 

-10pm back feels tingly, hot and cold, twitching or inner tremors in legs that is concerning me —> this seems like a new symptom 

-12:30am take 20mg Propanolol, body feels shaky on the inside which is not something I’ve really experienced before. Back feels tingly hot/cold, head pressure, feel somewhat disconnected, very flat, but calm emotionally. Laying on couch trying not to focus on the inner tremor feeling and sensations. 

-12:50 feel panicky- feel like forgetting important information and feel weird. Physically calm? Ocd thoughts like what if I forget who I am/my name/have amnesia 

[Elaine5]

I am really scared. Alto valuably pointed out that it seemed like I was having adverse reactions to Buspar and Belsomra, earlier in the thread. 
 

I rapidly tapered Buspar over two weeks. 
 

The akathisa got better some days and worse other days. It still continues. propanolol was added. 
 

Belsomra I tried jumping down to 15mg a few nights two weeks ago, but noticed return of worse aka it seemed the next day. So I returned to 20mg. I continued to notice feeling very dissociated and having confused SI, feeling under water. Thus, wanting to come off Belsomra. 
 

i jumped down to 15 mg from 20 5 days ago. Some days have been much better. Today was not- while I didn’t have the crushing panic and overwhelming dissociation, I notice a lot of twitching, tingling, some burning feeling and inner tremors. I also didn’t sleep really at all last night. 
 

i am very scared that I am in a very precarious  place and one more wrong move could truly mean life or death. I have some form of Akathisia right now but I can tolerate it just enough to get by. If anything else gets worse I don’t believe I will be able to tolerate it. I don’t know if dropping down to 15mg was the right decision. I don’t know how to know if it’s going okay or not because some days are good and then the next day could be hell. 
 

i am really scared I will end up like those horror stories. My psychiatrist is open minded and the only doctor who has diagnosed akathisa and provided the propanolol for some relief. However, I doubt his tapering schedule is conducive to a sensitive system. So the plan was to drop down to 15 for a week, then 10 for a week, then 5 for a week then 2.5 for a week. I cannot risk making my akathisa any worse or any other symptoms any worse. 
 

I am aware this is very serious and don’t know what to do. My reasoning for tapering Buspar fast was this med is giving me Akathisia, I must get off it to not have akathisa for long. Now I understand whatever you develop on the meds might still be there when off them- so going fast doesn’t mean any less chance, but adds to injury. 
 

oh god, please let this get better. It felt like it was getting better and the 15 was a good decision and today i am worried it will sufebkubgo south and I will be gone forever. 

[Elaine5]

I am up after falling asleep for a bit. Woke up about 1.5 hrs after taking 15mg Belsomra. Panicky, have OCD thought spirals, feel loopy and drugged obviously, then this is making me anxious because I am trying to be lucid but can’t. 
 

i am safe at home with my family but this is scary. I really want to feel better soon. 
 

I am too scared to go back to sleep and too drugged to focus on anything. 

[getofflex]

20 hours ago, ElaineBenes5 said:

Well it does seem to be that I have the worst episodes at night or after taking Belsomra. However there are sometimes in the day where I will suddenly develop restlessness or dissociation, so it is not 100% clear. 
 

It may very well be that you are having both adverse reactions to your current drugs, as well as withdrawal from previous drugs. I assume you are aware of the windows and waves pattern of withdrawal and recovery.  If not, please read this link.

 

Windows and Waves Pattern of Stabilization

 

It is important that we don't react to a wave, and jump on and off another drug, or change our dose because of a wave.  That is why we have a plethora of non drug coping techniques. 

 

Non Drug Ways to Cope with Withdrawal Symptoms

 

About how many hours of sleep are you getting each 24 hours?  It doesn't appear that the Belsomra helped you sleep last night.  You may want to consider trying to go to bed earlier at night - that may help. 

 

What non drug techniques are you using to try and cope with and reduce your anxiety?  

 

You may want to try and avoid sexual activity at night for a few nights, and see if that helps your sleep, since you report that this ramps up your symptoms.  Sexual activity releases hormones in your body, and this can trigger and activate a very sensitive nervous system. 

 

6 hours ago, ElaineBenes5 said:

I am really scared. Alto valuably pointed out that it seemed like I was having adverse reactions to Buspar and Belsomra, earlier in the thread. 
 

I rapidly tapered Buspar over two weeks. 

 

At least you are off the Buspar now.  Yes, I agree, it sounds as though the Belsomra may be activating you.  

 

6 hours ago, ElaineBenes5 said:

Belsomra I tried jumping down to 15mg a few nights two weeks ago, but noticed return of worse aka it seemed the next day. So I returned to 20mg.

We suggest a harm reduction approach of only doing 10% reductions.  And, we base the 10% reduction on the current dose of your drug.  Please read: 

 

Why Taper by 10% of my Dosage  

 

When you reduced Belsomra from 20 mg to 15 mg, this was a 25% decrease, and may have been too big of a drop for your body to handle.  I see you went back up to 20 mg, then dropped again to 15 mg again.  If it were me, I would stop jumping around on the dose.  If it were me, I would stick with 15 mg, and give my body a few weeks to adjust to this dose, or else do a partial reinstatement back up to 17 or 18 mg, and stick with that for a while.  At any rate, what is important is to stop jumping around on the dose of the drugs, and allow your nervous system to have some stability.  Please read these links to see why this is so important: 

 

Keep It Simple, Slow, and Stable

 

Considerations About Stability - Stop Jumping Around

 

Also, please update your drug signature with your recent changes in your Belsomra dose.  We deal with many cases here, and I probably won't remember your drug history, and will need to refer back to your drug signature frequently.  

 

7 hours ago, ElaineBenes5 said:

I doubt his tapering schedule is conducive to a sensitive system. So the plan was to drop down to 15 for a week, then 10 for a week, then 5 for a week then 2.5 for a week. I cannot risk making my akathisa any worse or any other symptoms any worse. 

 

You are correct, this tapering schedule is too fast, especially for a sensitized nervous system.  For now, please stick with either your 15 mg for a few weeks, or the 17 or 18 mg for a few weeks.  I will confer with the other mods, and one of us will get back to you on how to measure a nonstandard dose of Belsomra.  

 

7 hours ago, ElaineBenes5 said:

i am really scared I will end up like those horror stories

 

7 hours ago, ElaineBenes5 said:

I am aware this is very serious and don’t know what to do.

 

7 hours ago, ElaineBenes5 said:

oh god, please let this get better.

I understand how scary this is.  However, there is a way out of this mess.  The way out of this is: 

 

1) be willing to endure discomfort, and find non drug ways of coping with it.  

 

2) be extremely cautious about changing your drug dose, and don't change it more than 10%.  Wait until you are stable, and your symptoms are reduced, before changing your drug dose again. 

 

3) be very very patient.  It took me a very long time to slowly taper off my Lexapro.  

 

4) get away from the drug mindset.  Our culture has a "quick fix" mentality, which means that we want a quick fix for everything.  So to illustrate, in my case, I was depending on a pill to help me with my depression and anxiety, which was caused by a traumatic and abusive childhood.  I had to find ways to cope with the trauma of the abuse without pills.  There are ways to deal with mental health issues without the drugs.  In my personal opinion, the drugs just covered up the problem, like a bandaid, they didn't actually fix the problem.  

 

As I see that many of your recent drugs are to help sleep, I will share this link with you about non drug ways of helping your sleep.  Sleep was my biggest issue in withdrawal, and even before withdrawal when I was on the Lexapro.  Now that I'm off the drugs, my sleep has been gradually improving.  My quality of sleep is much better now that I'm off the drugs. 

 

Withdrawal Insomnia

 

The good news is, that as you get off the drugs, and your nervous system gradually recovers, you will heal.  The not so great news is that all this takes a very long time.  Our nervous systems are extremely complex, and healing from them is very complex.  But, it does happen!  Read some of the success stories, go to the forum on the home page.  This will give you hope.  By all means, avoid reading the horror stories.  Take care. 

 

 

[Elaine5]

This was so thorough. Thank you. 
 

it seems like everything I’ve done to “help” myself as ended up creating other problems. 
 

i will try to stay on 15mg Belsomra and stabilize. When would a critical period be for reinstating at 17/18be? like how many days out 

yes help measuring nonstandard dose would be great. Could try cutting 5 in 2 but pills are very tiny. 
 

thank u thank u.