Elaine5: Introduction

[Elaine5]

hope for improvement- very difficult time- not sure pssd or protracted withdrawal or both

 

i am a 29 year old female who teaches kindergarten and loves my family and puppy. I would really like to feel like myself again. 
 

basically I was on and off Lexapro 5 and sometimes 10 mg the last two years. As well as Xanax or Benadryl  few nights a week to sleep. A few months on, stopped due to sexual side effects, those always went away and then I went back on due to severe anxiety. Longest period I was on them was January 2021 through July 2022. Then a month off and picked back up in August 2022 through November 22. I had the classic withdrawal symptoms of brain zaps lethargy and headache each time, some times worse than others. This last time I was on Wellbutrin as well simultaneously and didn’t notice it being as uncomfortable. Then I went to start taking a few doses of 5mg Lexapro in February due to anxiety but didn’t continue due to sever genital numbness that went away I thought. I stayed on Wellbutrin until end of February then stopped. Noticed intermittently some sexual side effects like slight numbness a few times and delayed orgasm. But no other issues and felt great and like myself. 
 

took some 5htp supplements for anxiety. Then beginning of May I notice I feel depressed, mood is low, gaining weight, headache, easily upset, little arousal and delayed orgasm. Ask to go back on Wellbutrin and immediate boost in everything- feel hyper sexual, etc. but big bouts of severe anxiety and panic about health and safety and job.  cue more panic about why this big difference in sexual functioning and lots of researching, stop Wellbutrin, fall into crippling anxiety about pssd- psych prescribed low dose buspar which I took only a few doses, Xanax sparingly. 
 

since late May I’ve stopped everything. It was awful at first. Then things seemed to be getting better emotionally and sexually for a few weeks. Now they seem worse! I have no energy, even less sensation down there, feel anhedonic now which I didn’t before, and like I can’t get out of bed. I used to love poetry and now it just isn’t the same. Emotionally blunted and just overall very blah. I’m singly and going to be 30 soon and always went crazy for handsome men, and now it’s just not happening. Nothing seems to get me excited sexually or otherwise. Sometimes I am able to cry and emote strongly and other times I’m not. I have insane insomnia sometimes with akathasia where I am very restless and move my legs and toss and turn continuously. Perpetual headache. Eyes hurt. Occasional tinnitus. Sometimes dpdr. Anxiety turned to severe depression now. 
 

Sometimes when I can convince myself things will pass and get better and I can have an enjoyable day. But that is getting harder. 
 

i read the pssd forums and there are some recoveries but everything out of Dr. Healy is so permanent and soul crushing. I am looking for help and hope. The SD is not even the concern anymore, I want to feel excited and happy and energetic again. Is there hope for me? 

 

Edited August 9, 2022 by ChessieCat
added topic title before reducing length

[Altostrata]

Welcome, @ElaineBenes5

 

To help us out, follow these instructions Please summarize your drug and withdrawal history in your signature You may need to use a computer to do this.

 

We see that antidepressants and other psychiatric drugs can cause sexual dysfunction, which can persist after discontinuation, and that it can emerge as a withdrawal symptom. We have also seen this very slowly fade, like other withdrawal symptoms, over months.

 

Since you stopped all drugs in late May, how has your symptom pattern changed?

[Elaine5]

@Altostrata hi there, 

 

Since late May, I experienced extreme, crippling anxiety about pssd and OCD spiraling about harm, meds, regret, etc. I was completely unable to sleep more than a couple hours a night. I felt largely like a zombie. 
 

July I was better able to function. 
 

Now I am able to sleep relatively well and have even been able to take some naps, which is very welcome. I still have episodes of extreme anxiety about pssd but I am able to get on about my day mostly right now. 
 

I had a bad reaction to an accupuncture session where the muscles in my face seized up for two weeks and it was very painful. Thankfully that has passed. 
 

I am regaining my appetite almost too much lol and am sleeping pretty normally now. I can laugh and feel totally normal aside from the lack of sexual attraction/arousal. Emotionally cognitively I feel very okay. I just have almost no romantic thoughts and the entire sexual response cycle is very weak and confused right now. 

 

i think I’m feeling slightly more sensation down there but no tumescence whatsoever. I seem to be consistently able to climax now albeit it takes a while and effort. Climax is pleasurable but not as strong as normal. 
 

Other issues I’m having are hair loss and lack of motivation/energy. 

[Altostrata]

It appears you are recovering normally from withdrawal syndrome -- this is slow, gradual, and can take months. We have seen PSSD fade in the same very slow way. Please look at non-drug techniques to manage your anxiety while you patiently wait to recover:

 

The Windows and Waves Pattern of Stabilization

 

Non-drug techniques to cope with emotional symptoms

 

Easing your way into meditation for a stressed-out nervous system

 

Music for self-care: calms hyperalertness, anxiety, aids relaxation and sleep

 

Ways to cope with daily anxiety

 

Dealing With Emotional Spirals 

 

Shame, guilt, regret, and self-criticism

 

Health anxiety, hypochondria, and obsession with symptoms

 

 

Many people find fish oil and magnesium supplements helpful, see

 

https://survivingantidepressants.org/index.php?/topic/36-king-of-supplements-omega-3-fatty-acids-fish-oil/

 

https://survivingantidepressants.org/topic/15483-magnesium-natures-calcium-channel-blocker/

 

You might try a little bit of one at a time to see how it affects you. Please let us know how you’re doing.

 

[Elaine5]

Thanks @Altostrata! 
 

I appreciate those links and your response. 
 

I will do my best to be calm, patient, and await improvements. 
 

Some sexual medicine doctors have recommended Wellbutrin since it’s worked for me in the past (albeit unknowingly since I didn’t know what pssd was at the time.) But I am going to go as long as I reasonably can without introducing any other meds or supplements, even things like fish oil for now. 

 

I hope that in time, whether it be months or a couple of years, pssd and the effects of SSRI will not be on my mind. Like Branyan’s example. And your recovery too. I have hope. 
 

I’ll check back in with time. Thanks and please take care. 

[ChessieCat]

6 hours ago, ElaineBenes5 said:

Some sexual medicine doctors have recommended Wellbutrin since it’s worked for me in the past (albeit unknowingly since I didn’t know what pssd was at the time.)

 

Just because something worked in the past does not mean that it will work the same way in the future.  The effect (of going on/off, up/dose in dose, different drugs) of psychiatric drugs on the nervous system is cumulative.  We have SA members who have made multiple changes and say they never had an issue and then one day they do the same thing and things got a lot worse.

[Elaine5]

I had been feeling relatively in good spirits and could feel joy and happiness during the time I wrote my last post. 
 

However, I believe I have realized how severe my situation is now. I cannot feel anxiety any longer, nor anger, nor excitement of any kind. 
 

For so long these past months I was full of anxiety that it filled the space of other emotions. I didn’t notice. 

 

Now I realize how much is missing. It’s not just romantic/sexual attraction, but really any kind of excitement. I can’t feel aroused about anything. 
 

I feel entirely flat and disconnected. Sexually, functioning seems to have gotten worse. It had been hopeful last time I posted- things taking less time and some more sensitivity. Now, the opposite is true. 
 

i have been on vacation and now that it is time to engage again with work and normal interactions, i realize it is very hard to be present in the moment becaue I feel an overwhelming apathy. Things I loved all my life don’t seem important anymore, even though I know I care about them. History, literature, poetry… I could simply shrug my shoulders now. 

 

When I try to focus I feel that my eyes feel heavy and seem to want to close or else go in opposite directions. 
 

i did have a 12 hour window the other day where I felt all emotions and it eas beautiful. I cried about an ex, about my family, good tears- I read poetry and listened to music and enjoyed it fully, even got scared when I saw a spider and genuinely freaked out with my classic nervousness which has been missing. Slowly this faded back to flat. 
 

oversll, I feel uneasily calm. Too calm. I don’t want to feel this calm. But I can’t do anything about it. 
 

I am trying at work but I don’t know how it will go. I realize I am not the same person and I don’t like where I am. I desperately want my old self and my old life back. I miss my feelings. 
 

i don’t even care about the sexual functioning any longer, I just want to feel again. 
 

 

[Altostrata]

Emotional anesthesia is a very common effect of antidepressants and can persist or emerge when you go off them. We see it very gradually fade with other symptoms.

 

Please be patient as you recover. Do what you can to improve general health: Eat fresh veggies and fruit; minimize sugar, caffeine, and artificial ingredients; get regular sleep and at least 1/2 hour of gentle exercise, such as walking, each day.

 

You might try fish oil and magnesium, too.

[Elaine5]

Thanks, Alto. I sure hope it fades in time. Fresh veggies, fruits, and proteins have been one of the few sources of joy during this time- a good, tasty, healthy meal. 

 

For whatever reason, your acknowledgement and encouragement to be patient and that recovery can happen is very touching to me. I even teared up a bit- which is not necessarily easy with the emotional blunting right now. I appreciate you. There is healing in hope and there is healing in feeling connected. You and SA contribute to both and I am grateful. I'll be back in a month with hopefully a positive update. 

[Elaine5]

A few questions about symptoms: 

- head pressure that is part headache, part brain fog, part DP/DR, part brain tightening? Can someone explain maybe more about what this might be? 

- this pressure is accompanied by extreme inner agitation to the point where I feel like I want to crawl out of my skin, escape somehow. This is in stark contrast to the total stillness/calm I have sometimes felt. I am having more days that do not feel calm, but feel on edge. 

- all consuming worry about what happens if nothing ever feels good again and there is no joy, just a desert of emotionless existence 

- fear of SI, which has always been a fear when I am experiencing extreme stress. I have never and do not want to pursue SI, the FEAR of it is heavy and part of my harm OCD fears. 

- feel like the life-force was knocked out of me and I am without breath yet somehow, I can move, function, etc. I almost wish I wasn't able to function so well through this because everyone expects me to do my usual and I guess I CAN, but it takes so much more effort now.

- Continued worsening of sexual functioning... which is the least of my concerns right now, although has to be related to a high serotonin state/low dopamine state. 

- Excessive tiredness. Would gladly sleep for half the day. Can sleep at night but have been waking up every few hours. 

- No desire/interest to interact with friends. Nothing seems to distract me, offer respite from the flatness/internal anxiety. 

- immense regret/guilt for all the drug changes, CTs over the last two years. I was so misinformed and naive. Now I am paying the price. 

- Obsession with reading accounts similar to mine about anhedonia, emotional anesthesia, PSSD. 

- Picking my fingers/skin out of anxiety 

- Tinnitus 

- Vision that sometimes goes out of focus. Can't quite explain it. It's like my eyes are focused on different magnifications. It's not an actual eye issue as I have them checked out since all of this. 

- I notice that hands and feet have been going numb while I sleep and I will wake up to this. 

 

This whole experience is still so surreal. I think maybe having been on Wellbutrin and Lexapro masked the emotional blunting which only emerged after the effects of Wellbutrin wore off a couple months after stopping in. OR, having CT Wellbutrin the emotional anesthesia set in after a delayed withdrawl. OR I just made things worse/kindled by reinstating/stopping Wellbutrin in May, trying Buspar for a few days, and continuing to take xanax, melatonin, or a benadryl for sleep a few nights a week even through June, confounded by getting Covid in June and taking Tylenol/Zinc/Vitamin C, etc. Oh man... looking back, I did so many bad things for my CNS and brain. 

 

Alas, I am here now. Acknowledge, accept, float. Is the head pressure symptoms a PAWS symptom? Does some of this sound like inner akathasia? I am holding onto the fact that people with emotional anesthesia DO make recoveries even if it takes a seriously long time. I just hope I can hold on long enough. 

 

 

[Altostrata]

See 

 

Is this symptom better or worse at any particular times of day? 

 

If you have the opportunity to sleep, you might get more sleep, this could be your body's way of healing.

[Elaine5]

The head pressure seems to be worse after waking throughout the morning and early afternoon. Sometimes it is random. By nighttime I usually do not notice it as much and am overall in a better mood. It's like someone has a clenched fist around my prefrontal cortex. 

 

The anhedonia and emotional anesthesia are debilitating and very scary. To the point where if they continue without respite I don't know what will happen. Is there any reason to think a small reinstatement of Wellbutrin may help? Or may worsen the situation. I have bad PSSD, emotional anesthesia, and anhedonia. Those are my worst symptoms. Of those, emotional anesthesia/anhedonia is horrifying. 

 

I have a confusing drug history. I CT Lexapro in late November while also on Wellbutrin. Tried reinstating Lexapro for a few days in February at 5mg as I felt resurgence of anxiety, but did not continue due to immediate extreme genital numbness. CT Wellbutrin in late February. Felt fine. Started a 5HTP supplement for the next 2 months. When I ran out, I stopped. Late April I noticed I felt low, called my doc to represcribe Wellbutrin 100mg. Took for 2 weeks and felt good but anxiety was high. Stopped. Took 2 days 5HTP supplement again. Then went back to doc to ask for lower Wellbutrin dose 75mg and discuss why sexual functioning is shot. Took for a few days and noticed PGAD like symptoms. Stopped as new psychiatrist prescribed Buspar low dose 2.5 2x a day- took for a couple of days and then stopped after finding out about what PSSD was. By end of June stopped taking PRN Xanax, Benadryl, melatonin for sleep. Will update drug history signature to make this clearer. 

 

Do I just push through this void for potentially years? Is there any reason to think reinstatement of some kind would help? Or do the risks outweigh the benefits? If my serotonin receptors are so downregulated that I feel a constant state of being subdued and lack of dopamine reward, how do I not make this worse and is there anything to help it get better? 

 

 

 

 

 

[Altostrata]

5 hours ago, ElaineBenes5 said:

The anhedonia and emotional anesthesia are debilitating and very scary.

....

Do I just push through this void for potentially years? Is there any reason to think reinstatement of some kind would help? Or do the risks outweigh the benefits? If my serotonin receptors are so downregulated that I feel a constant state of being subdued and lack of dopamine reward, how do I not make this worse and is there anything to help it get better?

 

As explained before, this is an extremely common effect of long-term antidepressant use. Dopamine has nothing to do with it. It very slowly fades over many months.

 

You have seen your sleep improve, there is every reason to expect your withdrawal-related symptoms will continue to improve. You will need to be patient while your body repairs itself. A mindfulness practice may be helpful.

 

Did you try fish oil and magnesium?

 

Also see What is withdrawal syndrome? 

 

What is happening in your brain?

 

Overwhelmed, demotivated, apathetic? Cannot get going on interest or action

 

Apathy, anhedonia, emotional numbness, emotional anesthesia 

 

Non-drug techniques to cope with emotional symptoms

[Elaine5]

Thanks Alto, I had tried fish oil and magnesium a few times. The magnesium helps with sleep, but I'd feel more anxious and worse PSSD the next day so I haven't continued. I think my serotonin levels are so high right now any slight increase in the production of serotonin is overwhelmingly felt. I ate a ton of hazelnuts two weeks ago (very high in magnesium) and have been in a terrible wave since. Go figure! 

 

I realize this is going to be a long road ahead. So it's important I keep track of how I am feeling. No mods need respond to this post, it's just an update, not related to tapering, and not serious. I am posting it to hold myself accountable and in case someone comes across it and it is helpful to them. 

 

Here is an effort to practice some non-drug techniques to cope with withdrawl. 

- Forgiveness: I forgive myself for seeking help from my doctor and from medication. I forgive myself for innocently taking the medication in a way I thought was safe and made sense based on my doctor's attitude and lack of communication. I forgive myself for anyway I contributed to my current situation. I forgive myself for making decisions I didn't know any better about. 

- I am grateful that I know better now. I am grateful that I am strong and steadfast in not desperately getting back on the medi-go-round which would only destabilize my system more in the long run. I am grateful that I recognize now what a creative, empathic, loving, sensitive, and passionate person I am. I see it now and I know she's still here deep down even if I can't *feel* myself right now. I am grateful for the support of my mom. I am grateful for my warm, cozy bed, my cute dog, safety, shelter, food and water, a stable job with people that I know I care about even if I can't *feel* the enjoyment fully right now. I am grateful for SA and people like Alto who shine a light on this important information. 

- I accept that I am not feeling deeply right now. I accept that I am not sexually in my power right now. I accept that my system is fragile and has been thrown off course considerably. I accept that there are things missing right now. 

- I trust that my body and brain can heal. I trust myself to calmly and lovingly care for me during this difficult time, just as I would show care for a loved one who needed help. I trust that there are good things in store for me. 

- I release feelings of guilt, regret, and self-hatred. I release feelings of neuro-fear about why I am not feeling something a certain way or at all. I release feeling of neuro-sadness and nostalgia about where I COULD have been right now. 

- I accept that I am here. I am open to learning what the universe is teaching me. I am open to becoming. 

 

Today I felt cuteness about a cute dog and my niece. I was glad to spend time with them today. I laughed heartily more times than I could count at funny things. I joked around with my family. I felt compassion for my students. I felt a twinge of anger when someone said an insulting remark. I felt anxiety when the weather was bad and I had to send to an important e-mail that I wound up re-reading a bunch of times like I always used to before meds. I felt things today. I even felt content in some moments and a little joy. 

 

Today was a good day. It was a good day because I chose to see the good in it. If I can have a good day with all these issues, it is going to get better from here. 

[Altostrata]

19 hours ago, ElaineBenes5 said:

The magnesium helps with sleep, but I'd feel more anxious and worse PSSD the next day so I haven't continued.

 

You might take less magnesium.

 

Magnesium has nothing to do with serotonin, and serotonin has nothing to do with anything. See 

 

 

[Elaine5]

And the emotional anesthesia and pssd are worse again. 
 

emotionally, I feel nothing. No emotion. Earlier this summer I just would say I felt blunted emotions. I used to feel some glimmers of romantic attraction even but that has stopped completely. 
 

even my ability to laugh and feel content in relaxed settings like on my couch with my family are withering. 

I keep checking to see if I have a pulse because I cannot feel my heart. I’m not being poetic or dramatic. I feel dead. 
 

I got a new car. I didn’t feel a molecule of excitement or joy. I walked around my favorite bookstore. My eyes spilled across pages and titles, but I took nothing from it. Fall is a beautiful time of year that I always

cherish. I don’t feel anything anymore. To talk to friends is a chore that is tiring. 

 

Emotional anesthesia is indeed an apt term. I still don’t understand how I could feel this now when I didn’t feel this on the medication. Unless Wellbutrin masked it. 
 

I have developed a persistent twitching in my eyelids. 

i don’t know if I will be able to continue to work. But then I will truly have nothing to live for. 

[Altostrata]

Suggest you read this again:

 

On 8/30/2022 at 4:06 PM, Altostrata said:

Emotional anesthesia is a very common effect of antidepressants and can persist or emerge when you go off them. We see it very gradually fade with other symptoms.

 

Please be patient as you recover. Do what you can to improve general health: Eat fresh veggies and fruit; minimize sugar, caffeine, and artificial ingredients; get regular sleep and at least 1/2 hour of gentle exercise, such as walking, each day.

....

 

You are having a "normal" withdrawal experience. If you don't do anything else to upset your nervous system, the symptoms will gradually fade over months. Please let us know how you're doing.

[Elaine5]

I did something stupid and tried to deplete serotonin with a low tryptophan diet and gelatin powder for a few days. I highly regret this. Wound up in the hospital with tachycardia and have extreme anxiety and brain fog now. 
 

please if you are reading this listen to the advice on here and no matter how desperate or uncomfortable you are, just be patient and wait it out. It CAN get worse if you do something else. 
 

i am hoping things normalize back to withdrawl baseline in a week or so. I feel like an idiot. If anyone sees this who is struggling with pssd do not go on any of the forums, they breed desperation and bad ideas. 
 

just be patient and take care of yourself. 
 

i definitely learned my lesson. I just hope it isn’t too late and I haven’t permanently made matters worse. 

[Altostrata]

It probably will take a week or so for your system to settle down from the upset.

[Elaine5]

My heart rate seems to be normalizing. 

I did take one dose of metropolol (added to signature) when my heart rate spiked up to 160 again two nights ago. Only dose I ever took of that and hopefully only dose I ever need to. I am aware beta blockers can impact mood and sexual functioning and do not want to take it. 
 

The last two days I’ve seen an increase in what I guess is Akathisia? It feels like an inability to be in the moment as I am constantly distracted by head pressure and inner mental turmoil. I don’t have any increased propensity towards movement or jitteriness though. It’s just a feeling like my brain can’t relax. It’s partly a throbbing feeling, partly brain fog, a blockage of my thoughts, and like my brain is seized up in a fist. It is very distressing. i can’t tell if this is a headache, anxiety, Akathisia, 

 

i also notice my skin across my body is less sensitive now. This wasn’t a problem before. 
 

geez, I feel like I keep making things worse. i really just want to wake up and feel a little bit better! Holding on to the idea that my system will settle down more in the next week from that very stupid idea. I didn’t think taking gelatin would have such an effect, but I guess it’s what they do in tryptophan depletion trials which depletes serotonin, and who knows how else this effects the entire CNS.  
 

I really don’t wind to wind up with tardive Akathisia now on top of pssd and emotional anesthesia and potentially a heart arrhythmia. Breathing through this and just holding on. 

[ChessieCat]

That does not sound like akasithia.

Akathisia | definition of akathisia by Medical dictionary

akathisia [ ak″ah-thĭ´zhah] a condition of motor restlessness in which there is a feeling of muscular quivering, an urge to move about constantly, and an inability to sit still, a common side effect of neuroleptic drugs.

[Altostrata]

19 hours ago, ElaineBenes5 said:

Holding on to the idea that my system will settle down more in the next week

 

Good idea.

 

Was eating gelatin all you did?

[Elaine5]

I was eating low tryptophan foods (so fruits mainly and zucchini, eggplant) and supplementing with gelatin. Gelatin has many amino acids except for tryptophan so chemically they all bully tryptophan out of the way and tryptophan doesn't make it up to be synthesized into serotonin. Yet, I don't think I was getting enough tyrosine (no proteins) either, so I probably depleted a whole host of necessary stuff for a few days. Not a good idea at all in retrospect. 

 

But yes, that's what I did for about 3/4 days. Next time I have a hair-brained, fakakta idea I am going to try just meditating instead. Uffa. 

[Altostrata]

On 9/29/2022 at 11:57 AM, ElaineBenes5 said:

Wound up in the hospital with tachycardia and have extreme anxiety and brain fog now. 

 

Not sure how such a diet can result in tachycardia, but strongly advise you not to do this. It sounds low-calorie, you might also have been hypoglycemic. Were you also dehydrated?

 

How are you feeling since you went back to an ordinary diet?

[Elaine5]

My bloodwork came back normal. I may have also been dehydrated. Historically I am never hydrated enough. Definitely won't be doing anything unhealthy like that again. 

 

My heart rate is normalizing and I will be wearing a ecg monitor for a couple weeks. My anxiety has somewhat calmed down, but very worried I made matters worse re: akathisia, or permanently stripping my body of the ability to produce serotonin or dopamine on top of an already sensitized system. 

 

Thankfully, Chessiecat points out what I am describing does not sound like akathisia. I sure hope not. Thanks for your guidance here.

 

I am so traumatized at this point, I don't even know what I am feeling anymore and apparently don't think through my bad ideas. 

 

 

[Altostrata]

You must be sure to drink enough water.

[Elaine5]

Monday morning - didn’t sleep the night before. Had sheer terror. Took an omega 3 capsule 1,000mg at lunch. Saw a neurologist in the evening. 

 

Monday night - bursts of terror. Settled down into a good mood and actually called some friends of mine and forgot about my troubles. Slept like a baby the whole night. 
 

Tuesday morning - woke up feeling amazing. Drove to work actually excited! And listened to music. Got dressed cute. 
 

by lunch time i started to feel a bit flatter, but still much better. took 1000mg omega 3 capsule. 

Tueaday evening I had a friend over for dinner. We enjoyed watching a show. I started to have the head pressure. Felt very tired and went to bed. Tried falling asleep but got woken up each time by my body jerking awake. Once I was up I noticed a twitching sensation up and down my legs- but I felt good mood wise and wasn’t anxious. I watched tv for a few hours and then tried to go back to sleep. Restless feeling in legs continued all night and I got zero sleep. 
 

Wednesday morning - restless twitching feeling in legs continues and sometimes feel it in arms/elbows. Very worries I’m going to develop tardive Akathisia or dyskenisia or develop seizures or full body convulsions. This is very scary. I don’t believe these restless twitching feeling is noticeable to others really, but I feel it. I do find myself moving around to try to get comfortable but can’t get comfortable. I don’t know if this is Akathisia or nervousness or just discomfort.

 

Im spiraling in my head to all sorts of worries and feeling like I’m about to die. Just yesterday morning I felt fantastic. How is this possible. 

 

[Elaine5]

Guys is this going to get better? I’m holding on for dear life. It feels like I’m about die- and then things seem to calm for a little while and I don’t feel SO bad but still pretty bad. 
 

I have seen two neurologists this week and I asked them to monitor me for akathasia and explained everything that happened with the gelatin. They don’t believe I am going to die and they do not see signs of Akathisia. They say I’m in a state of extreme anxiety, likely made worse by throwing off my system with the gelatin and diet, and to eat regular stuff. 
 

my issue is what if I can’t ever sleep again- I am very very scared. 

[ChessieCat]

4 hours ago, ElaineBenes5 said:

They say I’m in a state of extreme anxiety

 

This is possible.  It's amazing what symptoms you can experience from anxiety.  Please see the following labeled diagram.

 

From https://getselfhelp.co.uk/anxiety-self-help/

 

[Altostrata]

On 10/2/2022 at 6:34 PM, ElaineBenes5 said:

permanently stripping my body of the ability to produce serotonin or dopamine on top of an already sensitized system. 

 

Your experiment is extremely unlikely to cause this.

 

Quote

January 2021 - June 2022: alternating Xanax .5, Melatonin, Benadryl PRN for sleep --> stopped all this in June 

 

This is what is most likely causing your odd symptoms, plus maybe hypoglycemia from that odd diet and dehydration.

 

Do you often skip meals? Low blood sugar increases adrenaline levels.

 

Have you had problems with health anxiety?

[Elaine5]

19 hours ago, ChessieCat said:

Please see the following labeled diagram.

 

Thank you so much for that graph, it does really make sense of the anxiety response. It feels like I am in this state for hours if not days on end sometimes these last few days/weeks.  

 

Yesterday I tried eating some natural omega-3s (tuna) and making sure I ate proteins (eggs and yogurt and milk), and carbs (bread). I took 150mg of magnesium malate and magnesium lysinate glycinate before bed. I did manage to sleep a combined total of about 5+ hours, which was very much needed. 

 

I had an EFT tapping session with my psychiatrist before bed and it was very intense- to the point where I had a panic attack and thought I was going to pass out during it. I don't think I will continue doing that as it might be helpful for previous trauma but for current trauma I've had the realization that it's just additionally traumatizing.

 

I noticed last night that when I am in bed and trying to sleep I do display some manifestations of fidgeting/jerking/twitching/repetitive movements. I did not experience much myoclonus that jerks me awake last night. 

 

Would you recommend continuing with the magnesium (150mg malate and lysinate glycinate)? 

 

Prior to gelatin-gate, I hadn't skipped meals much during this period or protracted withdrawl/pssd. Historically though, I probably spent the last 15 years on a very scattered eating schedule of skipping breakfast and lunch most days running off to school and work. 

18 hours ago, Altostrata said:

Do you often skip meals? Low blood sugar increases adrenaline levels.

I wonder if this is contributing to why I have felt those spikes in the night too more than the day. Hopefully things will stabilize soon enough. 

 

18 hours ago, Altostrata said:

Have you had problems with health anxiety?

Yes. This was the reason for starting Lexapro in the first place back when teachers returned to work during Covid. 

 

My heart rate is still elevated but has not spiked above 120 in over a week. I am eating regularly and variety of foods. I am supplementing with Omega 3 (1000 mg) and Magnesium (150mg). Some doctors have suggested a multivitamin but I have not done so. 

 

 

Thank you for your attention and care here. I really appreciate it. I hope to be feeling more calm, myself, and well rested soon. I would really like to see these fears of developing tardive dyskinesia and akathisia fall away and be replaced by some good/happy news. 

 

 

[Altostrata]

You will need to get your health anxiety in hand. A therapist or counselor can help you with this.

 

Strongly recommend you eat 3 meals a day with good protein, low blood sugar can cause irregular heartbeat and if you have been sensitized by the drug withdrawal in June, you may have become vulnerable to this. Low blood sugar overnight can cause sleep disturbance, too.

[ChessieCat]

https://www.getselfhelp.co.uk/health-anxiety-self-help/

[Elaine5]

Having more twitches and can’t sleep. My neck is tensing up now and I am getting periodic full body shivers. I may have to go to the hospital. Just a few days ago I was on the mend. 
 

this is not anxiety. My feet, calves, knees, neck, and hands are periodically tensing up and twitching or jerking. 
 

i don’t know how I could be developing tardive dystonia or dyskinesia now- this is a nightmare

 

i am truly truly losing all hope. 

[Altostrata]

How often do these twitches occur and how long do they last?

 

Why did you start antidepressants in August 2020?

[Elaine5]

They don’t really follow a pattern during the day, I don’t really notice them until I’m trying to rest and go to sleep. Then things twitch a lot and wake me up/make me nervous so I have gotten no sleep at all lately. 
 

ER is not helpful. 
 

i may have to try reinstating Xanax to deal with muscle contractions. .2 low dose