Kay23: I've done too much

[manymoretodays]

Hi there Kay,

Do you notice your "drug signature" now under your previous posts?

I just went in an added it myself.

Much appreciated if you'll attend to the details that I mentioned in the lavender portion in my post quoted here.  You may need to scroll down to find what I put in your signature section, after using the Account Settings/signature link that is there to edit in now.  Hit SAVE when done editing or it won't update.  You may also need to use paper and pen or pencil to work it out before actually editing.......trust me, I know how difficult the cognitive impairment can be initially, and trust me......it improves too.  Okay, hugs and thanks.

On 8/3/2022 at 9:12 PM, manymoretodays said:

Hi there Kay23,

You can type and string sentences together.  And you did a good job putting together a narrative type summary.  I assure you it's not hopeless.  Scroll on up to read the links the others have so kindly given.  They are the underlined passages of text.

So anyway......you still got something.  

 

The signature we are asking for is a little different from the confidential information that you gave on arrival.  We just want to see primarily the last couple of years outlined, and your drug history.  

 

How does this look?

 

2014-2020 Lexapro 20 mg

2020 September(postpartum) Lexapro to Zoloft for 6 weeks then on Lexapro again

(if you could just add in the doses the best you remember, and any other drugs in that time period by name and dose, that'll help us alot.  In the narratives(right here in the reply box) is where you can talk about symptoms and other, answer questions and all too)

2021 February here you mentioned the hyperthyroidism and methimazole, propranolol, and some supplements  Just be brief with names of drugs, doses(if recalled) start and end dates.  Keep it to one line.

2021 April  I'm a little confused, and again, just clarify drug names and dose.  I saw mentioned in your narrative above Lexapro fast taper to 5 mg, added Effexor 37.5 mg and then 75 mg, then off Effexor

2021 August off Lexapro, Ativan 0.5 mg a couple times a week alternating with gaba supplements If you remember the name of the supplement put it there too, please and thank you.

2021 December stopped benzo and gaba supplement  I think it was still Ativan.....not sure, so just clarify if you can

2022 ? January or February  3 days of Lexapro 5 mg, in March stopped benzo  Was this still the Ativan?  Again, name it and add the dose if recalled

 

So that ^, will sum up your drug history in 7 succinct lines

Then go to Account Settings/Signature  and type in your corrections to my version.  Leave out the lavender prompts and all.  That will help us alot.

 

It does sound like you had some progress awhile back with physical therapy and some acupuncture, and maybe briefly while on Effexor- the lowered dose??  You can talk again about that when you do a regular reply.

 

And yah, yah.......look at those links, last mentioned.  You just scroll up to find them.  Pretend.  Pretend you are healing.......honestly it can't hurt anything to pretend and imagine.  What's a day look like for you?

 

And okay......over and out from me.

 

Love, peace, healing, and growth,

manymoretodays (and better days are always, without a doubt, just around the bend!)

 

 

Best, Love, peace, healing, growth,

mmt

[Altostrata]

On 8/5/2022 at 4:24 AM, Kay23 said:

Last time I took a .25 dose I became so unbelievably agitated. Though I felt better then than I do now. 

 

Please explain more about this. You took 0.25mg Ativan and what happened? Did you feel better some hours later?

[Kay23]

No the symptoms just kept progressing after that. I am having kindling reactions to everything. Nothing works. I did so much trauma work and nervous system work while I did all I did with the medications and I further aggravated everything. My condition is not liveable.  

[Altostrata]

After you took 0.25mg Ativan, what were those symptoms that "just kept progressing"? 

 

You said "Though I felt better then than I do now." What do you mean? You felt better after taking Ativan? How did your symptoms change?

[Kay23]

No my symptoms keep progressing no matter what I do. No I did not feel better after taking it. I think I was having paradoxical reactions to it the whole time along with the other gaba like supplements. After the ativan I took a few other supplements and got the same response as the ativan. Completely agitated and suicidal. Trapped suffocating in my body, lobotomized, complete anhedonia and disconnection. Feeling of severe tickling and tightening in my stomach and all over like being tortured and feels like I'm dying 24/7. Have no idea what to do, where to go, dont understand anything. Severe internal terror with everything I do and think about along with any memories.All these symptoms keep progressing with anything I do and eat. I felt better then because my symptoms keep getting worse everyday.

[Greatful]

@Kay23  My heart goes out to you.♥️

[Kay23]

If I didnt do what I did I would still have a somewhat liveable life. Now I'm completely gone and plus suffering immensely. There are no words. 

[Kay23]

How can my nervous system that is so highly sensitized heal if any foods are causing increased anhedonia, inner akathisia, terror, lobotomy, etc when they are already to the point of extremely severe where I cant do anything.

[Kat66]

13 hours ago, Kay23 said:

If I didnt do what I did I would still have a somewhat liveable life. Now I'm completely gone and plus suffering immensely. There are no words. 

Please don’t blame yourself, you were only trying to find solutions. That’s all we want, solutions to this nightmare. Nothing wrong with that. How long have you been in this dark place you describe so vividly?

 

The bottom line in all this is, this will take time but those much wiser and with more experience than I will reassure you that healing is happening  as we speak. 
 

i know only too well the despair, inner agitation, anhedonia, DR that you talk

about. Sending you a hug xx

[Altostrata]

Which symptoms appeared after you got covid?

 

Which of your current symptoms have gotten worse over the last month?

[Lauren90]

Hi Kay,

 

I’m so sorry to hear you are having such a hard time. There are a couple of stories on here that gave me hope, pug’s who you are already tagged in, and a woman who went by Traumatized80. Her thread here is short, however it is shocking. She has completely healed now, although is took her a very long time. After you read her thread I suggest looking up Episode 40: A Nurse, on Geraldine Burns podcast. It’s about an hour long and she details her story and recovery. It gave me hope and I hope it does the same for you. 

[Kay23]

 I was doing guided meditations with frequencies, reiki, cranio sacral therapy, EFT, acupuncture.  I did way too much on top of all the med changes and supplements.  My body did not want to be calmed or over stimulated.  I didnt listen and was trying to deal with the symptoms by doing too much in a short period of time. My brain is now left in a completely dead(emotions, physical anxiety)but severe hyperexcited state. My brain got changed and my nervous system so destabilized/kindled. I keep getting worse quickly after this last mess up. I also think my brain got rewired as I saw too much of what I did and ended my life and my mind cant think anything else. I am unable to rewire it back as I just get worse.

[Altostrata]

On 8/14/2022 at 3:18 PM, Altostrata said:

Which symptoms appeared after you got covid?

 

Which of your current symptoms have gotten worse over the last month?

 

[Kay23]

All of my symptoms got worse for both questions. Everyday I eat it gets worse. It keeps building After brain mri in june it got significantly worse. 

 

I believe I am kindling with food. The vitamins and amino acids causing kindling? Every day my symptoms get worse quickly and when I got a brain mri the symptoms got even worse faster with food. I was having this problem before but it was slower and I still had something to distract with and didnt have complete utter anhedonia and depersonalization. I have no emotions left and zero connection to anything. Feel like I am dead and dying 24/7. This isnt psychological or imagined. So could this be from the kindling or something else?? This isnt liveable.  I go around wandering my house that is completely unfamiliar and getting no comfort or relief. I can feel the anxiety sensations all.over my body so severe there is no distraction. I think im so sensitized to the point that my CNS cant handle anything and keeps.getting damaged. Trying to find something to do but theres no connection or interest.  And I'm completely lobotomized. Severe terror.  Akathisia in gut so horrible I cannot distract. Nothing left!! I feel.like I have to die but dont want to! Cant relax ever..completely dead and dying at the same time. Cant eat whenever or whatever because it makes all the symptoms  worse and it just builds the intensity and doesnt go away after time.  

[Altostrata]

@Kay23, it sounds like you might have complications from covid. You might want to join a long covid group for advice.

 

Did you also get some kind of gut bug? You might do better with 

 

Elimination or exclusion diets for reactions to food (food intolerance)

 

Histamine intolerance diet

[Kat66]

@Kay23 I’m so sorry you’re suffering so much. I wish I had a magic wand so I could stop your pain.

 
Hopefully in time things will improve.

 

There’s a lot of hope on here that healing WILL happen. It keeps me going. 
 

Sending support and healing thoughts xx

[Kay23]

I also went on and off antidepressants in the past with no taper and experienced withdrawal. I am not going to survive what I did to myself this time. I am suffering tremendously. I have to get out of my body. I am reacting to everything on a severe level and I have nothing left as my brain completely changed. It is so severe I have nothing left. There is no calming. No life. No emotions.  Just neurological agitation and severe over sensitization.

 

[Greatful]

@Kay23  Yes you can survive this.  This is one  I  of the hardest things you will ever go through but you can do it.

We all can do it.  I feel and validate your pain.  Severe akathesia is more than anyone should go through. 

Remember this is happening to you, but it does not define you. Try to take away any self blame and wrap your arms around and hold yourself.

 

My heart goes out to you❤️

[Kay23]

I ended my life by what I did. If I just stayed on lexapro last summer even at a lower dose I would be okay. There is no getting better from the severe kindling/sensitization that has occurred. My nervous system is not able to handle anything and on a very severe level.

[Kay23]

My nervous system became so destabilized from everything and the constant changes in things with kindling and sensitizing my nervous system more.  I can no longer handle any stimulation and that's including from food. To the point where I have nothing left and I have nothing to do. It just feels like I need to die. But at the same time everything else is gone with it

[Kat66]

I feel your pain @Kay23I too am dealing with a highly sensitised CNS and it is hell. Try to remember that this is a temporary state and you will heal. Even if you don't believe it it is happening. Take a look at the success stories section. People get through this nightmare! xxx

[Kay23]

I believe that I am responding to food and all stimulation like I was medications. All the symptoms get worse rapidly progressing. Building on each day. I wish they were just physical symptoms.  But that outer, mental and inner akathisia, severe emotional anesthesia, complete disconnection, complete lobotomy get worse everyday doesnt make sense. Some sort of cross sensitization. I'm pretty sure that type of stuff doesnt go away. 

[Kay23]

I interfered my healing way too much by taking too many supplements inconsistently and doing other things that act like natural antidepressants like reiki, acupuncture (which I did alot of) and meditations with frequencies. I severely sensitized myself and now basically any adjustment to my own chemicals in my brain from anything is the same response as taking a med. I have nothing left. That's how sensitized my brain is at this point. Everything makes me worse. I know I have to die but am not able to do anything to end my suffering. 

[Elaine5]

Hi Kay, this is not your fault and things like accupuncture, reiki, and natural energy remedies likely did not contribute to worsening the situation, please allow yourself to remove that burden from your shoulders. 
 

These medicines can really do a number on people! 
 

Please give your recovery more time. I hope you have people to support you through this and I am rooting for you. 
 

i too made a lot of med changes these past two years and am now feeling the effects. Some days are better than others. Right now I’m in a bad wave. But I have hope. I have hope for you too. You don’t deserve to be experiencing this difficulty; but you can hold on and hopefully see some improvements soon. 

[Mutfael]

Everything that happens to you is very normal.. the withdrawal symptoms are very severe

[Kay23]

@ElaineBenes5they had to have because they stimulated my nervous system. I think the acupuncture mostly because it had antidepressants effects and stress on nervous system from detoxing. Not really so much the reiki. The supplements I took inconsistently and so many of them was the biggest contributing factor as I believe alot of them were top stimulating plus I do believe i was withdrawing from the ones that worked on my gaba receptors and I did not taper them. Just took them on and off whenever. I have nothing left. It would be one thing if my brain was completely sensitized and I had something left. Something I could do. Something that left me somewhat connected to life. But now everything I do makes it worse and I know it's the end for me.

[Elaine5]

You are writing these posts and connecting with people who are going through something similar or who went through it already. 
 

You are actively seeking connection with the world- hold on Kay! 
 

You did not do anything wrong by going for accupuncture. This is the fault of some powerful medicines and ignorant doctors. You are not to blame here. 
 

I am in a very bad wave right now Kay and I’ll be honest, I’m scared and wondering if I will ever feel like myself again too. This is really hard. You are a warrior. I know that one day I will look back in this and be so happy I got through it. You have to believe in your heart that is true. 
 

i hope you can find one thing this evening to bring you some small comfort. People are rooting for you to recover. 

[Kay23]

I cannot connect.  There is nothing left. Basically anything that acts as an antidepressant or any stimulation whether natural or not even from food keeps making it worse . My life is unlivable. I completely sensitized my brain.

[Elaine5]

 Here is some reassurance things can get better in time. This person was on 4 heavy drugs simultaneously and pretty much cold Turkeyed. Take care. 

[Kay23]

My nervous system was already sensitized before I did any of this. I was having withdrawals from PRN benzo.use and from supplements.  And believe it.or not even acupuncture. I live in severe agony from this . The sensitization has gotten past the point of extreme. Now I cant live at all since its.past the point of normal withdrawal. My nervous system cant handle breathing. And every day it just builds and builds. This is more than all the symptoms I listed. 

[Kay23]

I really need someone to look deeply into this. I lost my whole life and am suffering severely. It isnt that I'm just extremely sensitized. Everytime I stimulate my nervous system it builds quickly on to the next day. I'm already left with total disconnection, total anhedonia, total severe depression without emotions, internal and mental akathisia but just pure agitation.  I have no thoughts to direct me with what to do because when I do something its like I'm not doing it and I have to get relief but get no relief from changing tasks or rooms. It's all the same suffering. I have no dr that will understand or help. I was taking a bunch supplements and not realizing they were further sensitizing me for whatever reason. I sit here rocking back and forth in agony because I'm so sensitized to the anxiety or akathisia sensations in my body. I have no connection to the world because I lost it all. Lost all interests, personality, ability to feel time of day and seasons. 

 

So the more sensitized the nervous system, the more downregulated the receptors??

Why because I'm ectremely sensitized do I have all those symptoms. This is not withdrawal anymore. It's a continuation of damage that keeps accumulating. Unfortunately I cant even sit here and watch tv or do anything to distract because i lost all that. 

[Kay23]

Anyone ?? 

[Elaine5]

Hi Kay, 

 

I am not sure if you are also experiencing PSSD. Some people experiencing PSSD or PFS notice that certain foods which increase serotonin or are anti-androgenic (5ari inhibitors) can exacerbate symptoms and may lead to "crashes." I am not sure what SA's stance on this, but if this is something you are concerned about you may want to check that concept out. 

 

I have found that things that can indirectly increase serotonin may make me feel worse: vitamin d, magnesium, fish oil, ginger, turmeric/curcumin, turkey, cactus fruit, hazelnuts and brazil nuts.... 

5ari inhibitors include coconut oil, soy, high sugar/carb foods I believe. 

 

If that is not the situation, then please disregard this post. Sincerely hope you feel better soon. Sending you a virtual hug. This is really, really hard. I am having a difficult time myself, but want to get better one day. I know you do too. Blessings. 

[Kay23]

Its more than that at this point. I was taking all kinds of supplements and made it worse not realizing it. There is no help and I'm suffering. I know sensitization is permanent and mine is so severe. I got to the point where there is nothing left. I'm pretty sure I have to die but dont want to. If I could explain my symptoms and the severity better I would. 

[Kay23]

Is it possible that I am having paradoxical effects to my own brain chemicals?? I understand it sounds crazy but why would all stimulation make me worse and keep building each day. I have nothing left. It just feels like death and I am so afraid to die. Any attempt to calm and soothe its all thr same response.  I lost everything to make life liveable. 

[Kay23]

I was taking turmeric, magnesium, vitamin D all the time and other things that increase serotonin..also the acupuncture increases serotonin.  Now it seems I sensitized my nervous system so much that even the smallest amount of any food triggers it and I'm beyond the point of living. I dont think this reverses??