braindead94: I wish I could describe

[ChessieCat]

There is an SA topic here where you can connect with other members who started a psychiatric drug at a young age:

 

for-people-who-were-drugged-as-children

 

[Faure]

On 10/1/2022 at 8:57 AM, braindead94 said:

I spent a decade on and off them, on high doses, and eventual polypharmacy I stopped CT.

Dear @braindead94,my heart goes out to you ❤️I am so sorry to hear just how absolutely awful and despairing you feel.  After 10 years on and off psychiatric drugs, poly pharmacy and now a CT it is no wonder your poor brain and body are struggling. Brains need stability and yours has not had that for years. Now it needs a very long period of stability while it works really hard to mend itself.  
 

While it is doing that you can support yourself as best you can with eating non processed food, getting outside into nature, even if you don’t enjoy it and somehow distracting yourself. Spending hours on Reddit / here / other places will not help you, it will feed your despair. Can you find something you might be just the smallest bit interested in?  For me it was crochet but I could only do a small time on it before it wore me out. (I have to say I have never felt as bad as you, so perhaps these suggestions are unrealistic, but you need something positive to focus on other than your symptoms.) Perhaps some daily breathing exercises, just for a few minutes.  Try to get into a routine and stick to it even if you don’t feel like it. 
 

Alto has a helpful strategy called “changing the channel”…

 

As for not knowing who you are, you are there.  Deep inside, hidden away. That was me for many years. Eventually I found a therapist who was able to help me get out and life got much better. You aren’t in any state to get therapy at the moment but eventually you will be well enough for that and perhaps by then you will be able to access it. 
 

Please know that this state will not last. It will very slowly and gradually, with steps forward as well as back, improve. 
 

Is there anything you think you might be able to focus on to distract you? 

[braindead94]

Realized I lost the ability to think. My eyes dont move and i have no access to my higher reasoning abilities, forgot most about my study subject , my social skills etc.

 

It just worsens. Afraid it'll be permament.

[Elaine5]

You need to stop saying it’s permanent. You need to focus on ONE thing that is NOT terrible. It doesn’t have to be good, just not terrible. Breathing. Or food. Or the sun. Or the ocean. Or your mom. Something.just lean into that for dear life for a while. 
 
 

Do not give up, you have to hold on. It’s absolutely awful and unfair. But you can’t keep wallowing in despair 100% of the time. Cut it down to 99%. Then 98%. See what happens. 

[braindead94]

Not even scared anymore

 

I'm now conpletely unresponsive, all day in bed, cant sleep, total physical and emotional numbness and cant even remember my life. I just get up and smoke.

 

No thoughts, no internal monologue, dulled senses, vision problems.....wont even be able to articulate my experience after some days ir months.

 

Icl cant remember myself before, and thats long ago.....I want to scream and cry but my brain doesnt produce anything.

 

Edited October 10, 2022 by ChessieCat
added topic title before merging with intro topic

[ChessieCat]

Please do not make a new topic every time you post about your situation.  SA is different to many other forums and your Introduction topic is the place to journal your progress.  Thank you.

[braindead94]

31 minutes ago, ChessieCat said:

Please do not make a new topic every time you post about your situation.  SA is different to many other forums and your Introduction topic is the place to journal your progress.  Thank you.

I'm sorry, I will try to remember next time.

[braindead94]

@ChessieCatim not getting windows....just worse each day :(.... I'm lost

[jonah2001]

Hey @braindead94. 

You are wondering if that is you or WD?!?

 

It's WD related. I talked to many people and they have the same like you. They feel nothing. And i think that's even more terrible, than feeling all the time to much, like i do after 15 month CT.

But the good news is, it will get better. It just needs a good 2 years to get good!

But it will get good again. You just have to wait. I know it's terrible, but you will get a normal human being.

The worst time, is mostly the first years after CT. It will feel like you are going trough that for such a long long time, and don't make progress.

But after a year, you will slowly feel the improvement.  

 

You are 28. Yes, 2 years are long. But in the end it will be worth it! 

 

I went trough the absolute same! After only 8 month on the medication.

 

I didn't felt anything the first 5-6 month. I was like not existing. 

Sometimes had a burst of feeling something. I was just existing. 

 

But than after 6-7 month me feelings went crazy. From feeling nothing, to absolutely going crazy!

 

And now at 15 month out, i am not healed yet, but i have so many hours(almost every day), where i am my old me again. It's an up and down.. but i am recovering!!

 

So you will too! 

 

[braindead94]

4 hours ago, jonah2001 said:

Hey @braindead94. 

You are wondering if that is you or WD?!?

 

It's WD related. I talked to many people and they have the same like you. They feel nothing. And i think that's even more terrible, than feeling all the time to much, like i do after 15 month CT.

But the good news is, it will get better. It just needs a good 2 years to get good!

But it will get good again. You just have to wait. I know it's terrible, but you will get a normal human being.

The worst time, is mostly the first years after CT. It will feel like you are going trough that for such a long long time, and don't make progress.

But after a year, you will slowly feel the improvement.  

 

You are 28. Yes, 2 years are long. But in the end it will be worth it! 

 

I went trough the absolute same! After only 8 month on the medication.

 

I didn't felt anything the first 5-6 month. I was like not existing. 

Sometimes had a burst of feeling something. I was just existing. 

 

But than after 6-7 month me feelings went crazy. From feeling nothing, to absolutely going crazy!

 

And now at 15 month out, i am not healed yet, but i have so many hours(almost every day), where i am my old me again. It's an up and down.. but i am recovering!!

 

So you will too! 

 

Thank you. I hope so but I CTd 3 drugs with one being over the maximum dosage. I'm afraid I destroyed any progress since although I had issues for years due to low zoloft dosage, I was functional enough but now after PP I destroyed everything :(.

 

Currently im just a conscious vegetable. Cant sleep, remember, taste,smell,think,feel etc....together with PSSD and it just feels it's getting worse 

[braindead94]

I think I'm developing Akathisia on top of all these. I have so many thougjts trying to see my life back, I want to cry but im unable. It feels cold , i feel like a piece of stone, zombie....want to scream but cant, like I'm mute for feelings.....the cog issues are worsening by the day, cant sleep.....I just want to be who I was at 17.....but can't, my brain just reaches a bad homeostasis.

 

All memories fade away, cant feel or see them. I feel no love.....i used to love much....I dont know what to do....also avolition , abulia and blank mind.

[ChessieCat]

7 hours ago, braindead94 said:

I think I'm developing Akathisia

 

Many members use medical terms for their symptoms which are not accurate.  It is better to describe the symptoms, not to label it.

 

Akathisia | definition of akathisia by Medical dictionary

akathisia [ ak″ah-thĭ´zhah] a condition of motor restlessness in which there is a feeling of muscular quivering, an urge to move about constantly, and an inability to sit still, a common side effect of neuroleptic drugs.

[braindead94]

I'm becoming less and less aware of my body and mind, and therefore the symptoms. What I've noticed until now is :

 

Blank Mind

Very low processing speed

Bad sleep with snoring

Night vision problems

Memory decline (LTM and STM)

Lack of eye movement/Inability to think

Nausea when trying to think

Very muted visualization

No emotions, at all (I have to monitor my reactions physically to know what i might be feeling)

Confusion

DPDR

Numb head (physically)

A feeling that I have no brain

Lack of the vibe of people, places etc

Lack of sweating

Anosmia

Cant really talk except about my problem

Cant access previous knowledge

No thirst or hunger

PSSD

Long term memories popping out of nowhere.

Past traumas and mistakes popping up.

 

 

 

Im in month 6 and it just worsens Idk how to go on ..im searching for success stories but its most about people who took one drug ....I was in 3 which I've CTd, and I also had some such problems before polypharnacy only from irregular and sparse zoloft dosages of 25mg.

 

idk guys I'm scared

[braindead94]

I feel im dying, cant even yawn or gag, its getting worse. Cant sleep , afraid to go to the hospital because theyll medicate me more.

[Shep]

@braindead94What can you do? You may want to list those items. If you're able to take a short walk, listen to relaxing music (even if you can't feel it, your nervous system will appreciate it), take a nature picture with your cell phone, offer encouragement to someone else on the forum, etc. 

 

What you're doing by repeatedly telling yourself that you can't do anything is sending that message to your nervous system. It's called learned helplessness. The message that you send is the direction your mind/body goes. 

 

The fact that you were able to research your drugs, find this forum, and communicate with us is proof that you have it in you to get through this. 

 

On 10/13/2022 at 9:46 AM, braindead94 said:

No thirst or hunger

 

Some of your symptoms are likely caused by low blood sugar and dehydration. Make sure you're eating a few small meals a day - even just a handful of almonds and a glass of milk can give you some protein and energy. Drinking 8 glasses of clean water a day is also helpful. A little bit at a time. 

 

On 10/13/2022 at 9:46 AM, braindead94 said:

im searching for success stories but its most about people who took one drug ....I was in 3 which I've CTd, and I also had some such problems before polypharnacy only from irregular and sparse zoloft dosages of 25mg.

 

I rapid tapered and cold turkeyed 6 drugs after 30 years of polydrugging. And I have a success story and am healing more and more every day. 

 

All I can tell you is it does get better. Focus on that and you'll have a lot less weight to carry. 

[braindead94]

1 minute ago, Shep said:

@braindead94What can you do? You may want to list those items. If you're able to take a short walk, listen to relaxing music (even if you can't feel it, your nervous system will appreciate it), take a nature picture with your cell phone, offer encouragement to someone else on the forum, etc. 

 

What you're doing by repeatedly telling yourself that you can't do anything is sending that message to your nervous system. It's called learned helplessness. The message that you send is the direction your mind/body goes. 

 

The fact that you were able to research your drugs, find this forum, and communicate with us is proof that you have it in you to get through this. 

 

 

Some of your symptoms are likely caused by low blood sugar and dehydration. Make sure you're eating a few small meals a day - even just a handful of almonds and a glass of milk can give you some protein and energy. Drinking 8 glasses of clean water a day is also helpful. A little bit at a time. 

 

 

I rapid tapered and cold turkeyed 6 drugs after 30 years of polydrugging. And I have a success story and am healing more and more every day. 

 

All I can tell you is it does get better. Focus on that and you'll have a lot less weight to carry. 

Thank you Shep. I really try to do things like going out for a walk, trying to socialize, I try to eat and drink plenty of water (althrough i feel no hunger or thirst, the drive and the euphoria usnt there). However I'm currently only able to socialize with people from a mental health organization here in the city, I try to engage with the organization (they are essentially anti psychiatry and anti drug, and they are supporting me as much as they can). 

 

The learned helplessness part is so ingrained me due to other reasons, but looking at my self being unable to sleep or even yawn, coupled with a ton of other symptoms, and reading some stories here about others with similar symptoms ending their lives (like Plshelp/Brandi) isn't very helpful.

 

As for my symptoms, there are tons that I dont have the ability to describe or even pinpoint.

 

It feels like im in late stage Alzheimer's but fully conscious, if that makes sense on describing what i feel.

 

I'm completely depersonalized, blsnk minded, cant follow movies/books etc. Full blown blunting, unrelenting insomnia , lack of eye movement where there should be, no blinking etc. It's horrifying, and going through years with it worsening and without actual help (since I dont count referring to a psychiatrist or an another doctor who will dismiss me as help) I may fade away from this life slowly.

 

 

On top of all these, I'm already physically disabled by birth which means that if I get physical symptoms, I may deteriorate way faster than an able bodied person.

 

These are my fears. Being inert after a point, incapacitated to the point where not only I cant think or feel, but cant function on the basics.

 

Having a multitude of such problems and knowing you cant work and have no other skill (so no financial ability for actual medical care) , with your ppl slowly leaving life is unbearable.

 

I would prefer to leave this life rather ending up in inertia with no volition being taken "care of" with a multitude of damaging substances for the rest of my life in some institution

 

[Shep]

4 minutes ago, braindead94 said:

I try to engage with the organization (they are essentially anti psychiatry and anti drug, and they are supporting me as much as they can). 

 

Anti-psychiatry people are great! I'm glad you have that social connection. 

 

 

7 minutes ago, braindead94 said:

I really try to do things like going out for a walk, trying to socialize, I try to eat and drink plenty of water (althrough i feel no hunger or thirst, the drive and the euphoria usnt there).

 

Thanks for writing out what you're able to do. These are all good things to help you heal. 

 

6 minutes ago, braindead94 said:

On top of all these, I'm already physically disabled by birth which means that if I get physical symptoms, I may deteriorate way faster than an able bodied person.

 

These are my fears. Being inert after a point, incapacitated to the point where not only I cant think or feel, but cant function on the basics.

 

Having a multitude of such problems and knowing you cant work and have no other skill (so no financial ability for actual medical care) , with your ppl slowly leaving life is unbearable.

 

 

You likely have already done this, but just so we're on the same page, are you set up with disability payments and other resources for food and housing available in your country for folks who are disabled? 

 

Yes, people do leave us, but new people come into our lives. It's important to have a good perspective because one thing withdrawal does is keep us constantly tuned into the negative. We need to grieve, but we also need to look after ourselves and new people that come along. 

 

[braindead94]

15 minutes ago, Shep said:

 

Anti-psychiatry people are great! I'm glad you have that social connection. 

 

 

 

Thanks for writing out what you're able to do. These are all good things to help you heal. 

 

 

You likely have already done this, but just so we're on the same page, are you set up with disability payments and other resources for food and housing available in your country for folks who are disabled? 

 

Yes, people do leave us, but new people come into our lives. It's important to have a good perspective because one thing withdrawal does is keep us constantly tuned into the negative. We need to grieve, but we also need to look after ourselves and new people that come along. 

 

Not really about disability. Since I was fully functioning before this but wasnt working I used to get 600 a month as a disability payment but that stopped since I begun working (i left the job due to my mental state during early withdrawal, which also keans im barred from national programs if I intend to participate again).

 

Other than that, I can only get full disability payment if Im judged to be incompetent for work, but good luck convincing them and good luck trying to convince them to take it back later when youre functional.

 

Keep in mind this is a very backwards country, where nothing works as it should. So yeah, I dont have an income and cant have an income for the time being, and im very scared that will go on for years.

 

I essentially keep sucking koney from my mom, and this makes me even more desperate.

 

I cant describe how things are since my brain just doesn't work, but its very bad.

[Shep]

20 hours ago, braindead94 said:

Not really about disability. Since I was fully functioning before this but wasnt working I used to get 600 a month as a disability payment but that stopped since I begun working (i left the job due to my mental state during early withdrawal, which also keans im barred from national programs if I intend to participate again).

 

Thanks for your explanation, BD. 

 

The fact that you were able to work before withdrawal is good. Withdrawal is temporary and you're still very early on in your recovery. There's no reason to think you won't be able to get back into the workforce later on. It is difficult now, though. 

 

As symptoms fade out, you may be able to take on a part-time voluntary job if you need references and then move to paid work, as you're able. It's not hopeless. 

 

For now, having your mom helping out is good and you'll likely be able to help her out in the future as she gets older and will need you more. 

[braindead94]

Woke up today with a feeling of doom. Cant think or remember anything, didnt sleep at all....muscle weakness worsens with everything else....idk how i keep going, ir for what.

 

I cant even articulate myself anymore.....random memories popping up but cant recall them afterwards. My whole body/brain is dying....

[Happy2Heal]

On 10/20/2022 at 7:06 AM, braindead94 said:

Woke up today with a feeling of doom. Cant think or remember anything, didnt sleep at all....muscle weakness worsens with everything else....idk how i keep going, ir for what.

 

I cant even articulate myself anymore.....random memories popping up but cant recall them afterwards. My whole body/brain is dying....

 

 

oh I am so sorry. Giving you a virtual and gentle hug, if that's ok?

 

you are doing great!!!!

it must feel like such a long time, I know every day is a struggle when you are having those symptoms.

 

but you keep putting one foot in front of the other.

We here know just how hard that is, and you need to give yourself a HUGE pat on the back for hanging in there. you will heal, it just takes time.

 

have you noticed anything at all getting a tiny bit better?

if you can, think about that when you start to feel bad.  It really does help. it may not feel like it does right away, but you will notice as time goes on that it does make a difference  

 

you can reassure yourself that you are making progress, even if it's small, it is something.

you are having a hard time now but things will get better, they really will.

 

Do you get outside at all? It is a very nice time of year where I live, all the trees changing colors, so pretty.

 

what sorts of things do you like to do, or rather, what sorts of things did you enjoy in the past?

sometimes doing those things will keep your mind off the bad feelings-

a big bonus is that, when this is all over, and it will end and you WILL Heal!! 

you will be able to look back and say, hey I went thru this really really rough time but I was still able to do things.

 

you are doing great just getting online and connecting with others who have gone thru this.

it's hard to do but you're DOING IT!

you should be proud of yourself for how strong you are to keep going when times are tough.

❤️

 

[braindead94]

Things have worsened. My whole body is jerking and burning, most of my memories have faded away and I cant think or feel ANYTHING.

 

Im losing this battle only 8 months in....i dont have a brain anymore....i really dont.

[Altostrata]

Were you given Abilify because you were dramatic in your complaints to your doctors?

 

It was your decision to suddenly quit everything. When you go off your drugs, you need to cope with the results. You may have withdrawal syndrome, but is it also possible that you are making your symptoms bigger than they are?

 

See Health anxiety, hypochondria, and obsession with symptoms

 

You have been on at least an antidepressant for 20 years, more or less. When you are on these drugs for that long, quite often people feel blank, demotivated, and emotionally anesthetized. Is that the root of your dramatizations?

 

That post-drug effect very gradually goes away over many months. For this and for withdrawal syndrome, you need to get out as much as you can, get at least 1/2 hour of gentle exercise per day, feed yourself healthy food, drink a good amount of water, etc.

 

For the learned helplessness and support in unpatienting yourself, you might want to see a psychotherapist or other counselor.

[braindead94]

10 hours ago, Altostrata said:

Were you given Abilify because you were dramatic in your complaints to your doctors?

 

It was your decision to suddenly quit everything. When you go off your drugs, you need to cope with the results. You may have withdrawal syndrome, but is it also possible that you are making your symptoms bigger than they are?

 

See Health anxiety, hypochondria, and obsession with symptoms

 

You have been on at least an antidepressant for 20 years, more or less. When you are on these drugs for that long, quite often people feel blank, demotivated, and emotionally anesthetized. Is that the root of your dramatizations?

 

That post-drug effect very gradually goes away over many months. For this and for withdrawal syndrome, you need to get out as much as you can, get at least 1/2 hour of gentle exercise per day, feed yourself healthy food, drink a good amount of water, etc.

 

For the learned helplessness and support in unpatienting yourself, you might want to see a psychotherapist or other counselor.

I was given abilify for "rage" because i was having difficulty with my studies and i had outbursts tiwards my mom. I took it to soare my mom i didnt know what it was.

 

I try to go out. But rn the only things i can still do is eat and walk. All ekse im unable.

[Altostrata]

Eat and walk, then, at least 1/2 hour per day. Let us know how you're doing.

[braindead94]

On 11/12/2022 at 12:37 AM, Altostrata said:

Eat and walk, then, at least 1/2 hour per day. Let us know how you're doing.

I'm panicked. Things seems to worsen by the day and Im lost. No supplements work, not even pharmaceuticals.

 

Current symptoms:

Emotional numbness

Full body numbness like wearing a latex

Neurological Pains

Muscle wastage

Hyposmia

Hearing/Vision loss

Insomnia

PSSD

Lack of thirst hunger

Burning feet/hands

Blink/yawning/sneezing are absent

TOTAL Blank mind, like brain isnt there

Hypogeusia

No sense of time

Not able to remember my life

STM WM is low

Slower motor skills

Vocabulary loss

Looping thoughts

Songs and other thoughts used to loop now its EMPTY, VOID

Numb head (cant feel water)

Reflexes are non existent

 

It's like i live by the minute with no humanity. Im completely afunctional. I just wanted my lufe back guys Im horrified. Ive read others like me here who never made it :(

[braindead94]

On 11/12/2022 at 12:37 AM, Altostrata said:

Eat and walk, then, at least 1/2 hour per day. Let us know how you're doing.

Im not good, I tried to eat healthy excersise walk but it gets worse without reason.....im afraid this is just permament neurotixicity and I'll suffer till end...

[Altostrata]

Which symptom has worsened in the last week? Did you walk at least 1/2 hour each day?

[braindead94]

1 hour ago, Altostrata said:

Which symptom has worsened in the last week? Did you walk at least 1/2 hour each day?

I did for one hour . Everything worsens Altostrata. All of them. 

[Altostrata]

Keep walking. It's going to take more than a week.

[Shep]

On 11/18/2022 at 3:09 PM, braindead94 said:

No supplements work, not even pharmaceuticals.

 

Have you tried any supplements or pharmaceuticals recently or are you speaking of these things in general? 

[braindead94]

3 hours ago, Shep said:

 

Have you tried any supplements or pharmaceuticals recently or are you speaking of these things in general? 

I did try magnesium, multivitamin, valerian root.

 

I also used atarax and obe time Xanax but nothing ever stops the symptoms. The insomnia in particular is unrelenting and unresponsive to anything.

 

I just rot inside out.

[Altostrata]

Nobody seems to like withdrawal syndrome, especially withdrawal insomnia.

[Shep]

17 hours ago, braindead94 said:

I did try magnesium, multivitamin, valerian root.

 

I also used atarax and obe time Xanax but nothing ever stops the symptoms. The insomnia in particular is unrelenting and unresponsive to anything.

 

When were you taking all of these? How long were you on valerian root? Valerian is a mild benzo, so if you were on it a long time, it's best to taper. Please let us know the timeframe for using these. 

 

I would stay as clean as you can - the more we try to fix withdrawal with random supplements and drugs, the worse off it usually gets. 

[braindead94]

7 hours ago, Shep said:

 

When were you taking all of these? How long were you on valerian root? Valerian is a mild benzo, so if you were on it a long time, it's best to taper. Please let us know the timeframe for using these. 

 

I would stay as clean as you can - the more we try to fix withdrawal with random supplements and drugs, the worse off it usually gets. 

I took valerian for 3 days. Atarax for 5 and once Xanax.

 

I used supplements for 2 months but nothing stopped the decline or even slowed it down.

 

I dont think this is WD. Most propably I got some neurological disorder...dementia or sonething else

[Altostrata]

34 minutes ago, braindead94 said:

Most propably I got some neurological disorder...dementia or sonething else

 

Sorry, addressing this is beyond the capabilities of peer support.