Samby123 introduction - at this point, I feel absolutely crazy

[Samby123]

Hello -

 

I've never posted on a site like this. Please bear with me.

 

I had my first depressive episode at age 20 (2007). Was prescribed fluoxetine 20mg. This helped for years. I had maybe up to a year here in there where I was not on it. But always started again.

I had some anxiety at the beginning of 2014. Was prescribed xanax as needed to help me get through. I continued taking xanax occasionally (sometimes more than occasionally) after a terminal diagnosis and death of a parent. In 2018 fluoxetine was increased to 30mg. 

i had a panic "episode" for the first time in July of 2019. It was awful. I saw a psychiatrist for the first time and they upped my fluoxetine to 60mg and started me on round the clock clonazepam - finally capping at 4.5-6mg a day. He wanted me on more, but I was starting to fall asleep at the wheel. I was also to take xanax for "break through" anxiety. 

I tapered down a little bit before the pandemic started. But then stopped all tapering for a while. April 2021 I took what was supposed to be a "last dose" after doing the whole cutting my doses by .25-.5mg every couple weeks or so. I wasn't really on a schedule. After that "last" dose I could not sleep. My legs were SUPER restless. It was awful. I was told it was not related to benzos. I trusted this. I was told it might even be because of the fluoxetine, despite never having that symptom before in over a decade. So, I took a benzo to sleep. I did this off and on till the end of July, 2021.

Then I got a new psychiatrist (the other one retired) they prescribed my gabapentin for the restless legs. It helped. I slept without the benzos. However, I would still take them on occasion for anxiety, but less and less. Cut to end of November 2021, sudden loud tinnitus that amped up my anxiety so high. I was in a panic. I was put back on daily benzo use. I was also started on during the day gabapentin doses as well as propranolol. 

I was then told I should try ketamine to help with my anxiety. You can't be on benzos and do ketamine, so I tapered off starting in January. I did .25mg-.5mg every cut... I was not on a specific schedule. MY LAST DOSE OF BENZOS WAS MARCH 28TH, 2022. Two days later I started 5 ketamine treatments over the course of 3 wks. It was awful. I do not know if ketamine just wasn't for me, or if it was benzo related. I had severe anxiety and panic, and due to the ketamine, could not take benzos for relief. maybe that was a blessing, because I definitely would have otherwise. 

 

After the ketamine, I stopped propranolol. I was tapered off prozac and started on 7.5mg mirtazapine. Shortly after starting the mirtazapine I stopped the gabapentin. I stayed on the mirtazapine for 6-8 wks. I had weird dreams and it made my head and eyes feel pretty awful. So I was switched to sertraline. I recently went up to 75mg and plan to go to 100mg starting on August 8th. I don't know if starting another SSRI was the right thing or not... but, honestly, I'm desperate and have even thought about just asking for benzos again.

 

130 days post benzos and all these other med changes, I feel really awful. I had about two weeks in May where I felt pretty good, but crashed quickly. I find I cannot stop crying. Anxiety is always there. I suppose that my body has been on benzos so long it doesn't know how to manage the anxiety on it's own. Doing anything feels like climbing a large mountain (like even unloading the dishwasher). I wake up almost every day between 3 and 5 and then can't go back to sleep. Napping is next to impossible unless I just get very lucky. Sleep is the only relief. Tinnitus is still there. I sleep with a headband on that has headphones in it that I can play nature sounds on so I can sleep. 

 

Sleep is the only relief. Mornings are the hardest anxiety wise. Evenings I feel a little more grounded, which makes me not want to go to bed because I know I will have to wake up to the anxiety again. Like if I could just stay awake, then it wouldn't come. And then I wake up and cannot wait for night to come so I can sleep again. My hope is in the idea that if I just keep waking up and going to sleep, eventually, life with end. I just have to keep doing it. My faith and prayer helps get me through to the evening. I don't know what I would do without it. 

 

For a couple months there, getting off meds and getting my body healthy was highly motivated by wanting to be a mom. However, my husband recently let me know that he does not want to be a parent ... and my mental "illness" plays a large role in the reason for this. I'm crushed. I honestly often feel like there is now no reason to try and be off all of these meds anymore. Whats the point? I feel better on the benzos. But my husband also hates how much I was just "on the couch like an addict passed out." Which, is probably true. The benzos knocked me out. But it was relieving. He says he is empty and has nothing left to give. I feel so awful about it all. I think he might leave me. I wouldn't blame him.

 

At this point, I feel crazy. I'm told I am not hearing things that people say correctly. I really thought I was getting better, but then my family was talking about having me go inpatient somewhere. None of them really think this is benzo related at this point - my doctor definitely does not. I don't know what to think. 

 

I'm going to take leave from work for a few months. But don't know what I will do with myself. But I'm ironically, a mental health therapist, and just can't do it right now. 

 

I didn't know that benzos could be addictive. Or I did, but I thought if they were taken outside of how they were prescribed. I always took them as prescribed so thought I was fine. I was never told about withdrawal symptoms expect to let the doctor know if "my anxiety increased." I had no idea. I feel so dumb. I didn't even look anything up on the internet. 

 

Positives (limited at this point):

 

I no longer get tingling sensations in my face and feet. 

Hot flashes seem to be gone.

 

Sorry this is so long. Any thoughts or advice are appreciated. Is this normal? Will I get a window soon?

 

Thank you

 

 

 

 

[Samby123]

Today I swept the floor. I guess that is progress. Is there any idea how long this lasts?

[manymoretodays]

Hi Samby and welcome,

A sweeping the floor Window is good.  It's action.  It's off the couch and doing something.

And I am so sorry to read of the marital discord and lack of spousal emotional support.  That's no good, being labeled by a loved one.

Your not crazy.

Your drugs have most definitely caused some problems, likely over and beyond those that you ever had before.

Take a look at the Benzo Information Coalition site-https://www.benzoinfo.com/about/  

Do explore there, there are drop down menus, and stories, and lot's of information.

Just like here.

Explore here too. 

 

And so, at present your only drug is Sertraline?  And has that offered any relief of your current WD(withdrawal) symptoms?

And yes, as you've found it's going to take awhile to level on off after the various drug trials you've done.

Are you off work already?  I mean if there is any chance you can continue, but with perhaps a reduced work schedule that may actually help.  UNLESS, you are being encouraged to do more drug trials there.

I think it's unlikely that the sertraline is going to help offset any of the WD(withdrawal) that have set in.  You've been on that I see, with consistent increases now for over a month, and so very likely you have established a dependency now on that.  So.....me, I'd stay put with it.......without any further updoses, until such a time that you might want to start a harm reduction approach to tapering.

 

I'll give you some basics here today, for your further understanding of what's been happening all along, in hopes that it feels empowering rather than shame producing or guilt producing.  Most of us didn't know, what we now know......you're not alone.

Please Samby, don't let your desperation be your guide anymore. 

Learn, stick around, support others, and stay determined with a course of minimizing drugs......avoiding new fangled treatments....or new novelties of treatments and for perhaps the first time ever.......become your own best friend, buddy, ally and love and care for yourself like never before.  Do you have a therapist of your own, who thinks outside the box of psycho-pharmacologic treatments?  That might even help.  And I hope your husband lightens up soon and becomes a friend again.

 

Why taper by 10% of my dosage

 

Tips for tapering Zoloft(sertraline)

^ for when you might want to reduce your dose

 

What is Withdrawal Syndrome?

and this pretty much goes for all the psychoactives we see here

 

Dr. Joseph Glenmullen's withdrawal syndrome checklist

 

The Windows and Waves Pattern of Stabilization

 

When we take medications, the CNS (central nervous system) responds by making changes over the months and years we take the drug(s). When the medication is discontinued, the CNS has to undo all the changes it made.  The CNS likes stability. Rebuilding the neurotransmitter production and reactivating the receptor and transporter cells takes time -- during that rebuilding process symptoms occur.
That's ^ the simplified version but true with most any psychoactive substance and healing from it.  What you feel now, is really not Mental Illness, in any way shape or form......it's iatrogenic harm from your drug treatments and rapid WD's(withdrawals).  And I for one, believe it can all get better, with time......and healing.   And sheesh.......you could be so powerful with your peers there as a counselor......in helping them too, as you are healing and learning more.

 

We don't recommend a lot of supplements on SA, as many members report being sensitive to them due to our over-reactive nervous systems, but two supplements that we do recommend are magnesium and omega 3 (fish oil).  Pore through those links, and then as always.......just try one little new thing at a time please......start low, go slow.........keep some kind of calendar/journal whatever until you find out if it helps. 

 

Magnesium, nature's calcium channel blocker 

Omega-3 fatty acids (fish oil) 

 

The rule of 3KI's: Keep it simple, slow, and stable

 

Read This First

and I'm just pointing to ^, so you can read about the "chemical imbalance myth".  And perhaps explore your beliefs about "Mental Illness" too and the DSM and all that, when you feel up to it.

 

I don't have any idea "how long this lasts".  This being your recovery from Ketamine, fast tapers, and the belief that you are "Mentally Ill".  

I can see you are recognizing symptoms of WD, as symptoms though......so that is great.

 

I don't really know what else to offer today......Oh, explore symptoms and self care, and some of the other forums too please.  There's a lot here that might help you gain ground and heal further, make progress, express yourself.

 

Well, welcome again.  This is your page, this Introduction topic......ask questions right here regarding your case, update us right here, meet and greet other members here and on their threads too.  I mean I know it sounds trite.....but upbeat and positive, good cheer can benefit us all.

 

Sweeping the floor......hey I say celebrate that!!!  Cut yourself slack, just not too much......or that can become tough to break.

 

I hope you'll stay and continue your healing.  Sorry for the long wait getting started here.

 

Love, peace, healing, and growth,

manymoretodays(mmt)

Edited August 14, 2022 by manymoretodays
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