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Becoming jaded, angry, nihilist and cynical about existence


Kat66

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I've been on this WD journey since summer 2021, and since then I've gradually become more jaded, cynical, fed up, angry with basically everything. I'm not the person I was, and it worries me. I find myself hating humans for what they've done to this planet, a view which is becoming more entrenched as time goes on. I can't watch the news any more because it's all so grim, and I just become more angry. It worries me that when this WD journey is over I will be a shell of who I was, incapable of kindness and shut off from life. Anger is one of my biggest symptoms and has basically become part of my personality. The tears are welling up as I write this, as I hate myself so much for what I've become. I don't want to be this person but I don't know what to do to stop the progression towards being unrescuable.

 

Can anyone relate?

History of depression and anxiety. Symptoms of PTSD.

1998-1999 Venlafaxine 2006-2007 Prozac. 2013-15 Sertraline 50mg. 2015 cross-tapered to citalopram 20mg. 2015-2021 Citalopram 20mg (brief increase to 30mg for 2/3 months in 2019.

01/2021 Dropped from 20mg to 10mg, back up to 20mg til June.

25/6/21 stopped CT. Started 50mg 5htp after a week without citalopram in the hope this would balance out my serotonin levels. After 3 days increased to 100mg 5htp.
11/7/21 Stopped 5htp with the intention of reinstating citalopram at 1mg.  

16/7/21 Reinstated cit at 1mg.

2/8/21 Increased dose to 2mg. 
28/11/21 10% reduction to 1.8mg.

8/12/21 2mg 6/1/22 1.8mg 10/2/22 1.6mg 13/5/22 1.5mg 4/6/22 1.55mg 4/7/22 1.4mg 4/8/22 1.25mg

Multiple unsuccessful previous attempts to taper off citalopram. Vegan, otherwise healthy lifestyle. Other medications; kliovance (HRT) Other supplements; magnesium glycinate, calcium, B12, vitD and vegan omega3. I use valerian and lemon balm tea for anxiety relief

Completely OFF booze (since 6/11/21) and caffeine (since July 21) now. Main symptoms; crushing depression, anhedonia/emotional anesthesia, irritability, rage, anxiety/fear, cognitive fog, inability to focus, restlessness and some insomnia

 

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@Kat66 Hi there,

I have those same exact feelings...anger at everyone and everything, depression. I know how you feel. Its part of the withdrawal it will pass. Mine is starting to lessen a little bit--not much but less. Its not who you are just keep telling yourself that...push down the thoughts...change the channel and think of something else. I know its hard but practicing it over and over will help. Its all a process our brain and body has to go though I guess to get back to ourselves.

 

I am new to group this a.m. I am thankful to see the advice and help that is available.

My history:

Effexor 300mg 10 yrs Jan 2000

Effexor 150mg 11 yrs (cold turkey myself w/no adverse effects) 2011 

Tapered 10% beads starting in January 2020

Completely off March 2021

8/5/2022--Feeling depressed, anxiety since off meds--thought it was menopause and life changes(kids growing up etc.)

Starting fish oil and magnesium 8/5/2022

 

 

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@mg3570 thanks for replying. You are drug free according to your signature but you're still having symptoms including these horrible 'anti-everything' thoughts? It's good that you can disassociate from the thoughts and know they're part of WD. I have real trouble with that.

 

I also feel very nihilistic about my own existence - and need a purpose. I too am going through menopause. The combination of that plus WD is a ****ing nightmare isn't it!!

 

That's why I posted in this section - my life has lost direction and I feel rudderless!!!

History of depression and anxiety. Symptoms of PTSD.

1998-1999 Venlafaxine 2006-2007 Prozac. 2013-15 Sertraline 50mg. 2015 cross-tapered to citalopram 20mg. 2015-2021 Citalopram 20mg (brief increase to 30mg for 2/3 months in 2019.

01/2021 Dropped from 20mg to 10mg, back up to 20mg til June.

25/6/21 stopped CT. Started 50mg 5htp after a week without citalopram in the hope this would balance out my serotonin levels. After 3 days increased to 100mg 5htp.
11/7/21 Stopped 5htp with the intention of reinstating citalopram at 1mg.  

16/7/21 Reinstated cit at 1mg.

2/8/21 Increased dose to 2mg. 
28/11/21 10% reduction to 1.8mg.

8/12/21 2mg 6/1/22 1.8mg 10/2/22 1.6mg 13/5/22 1.5mg 4/6/22 1.55mg 4/7/22 1.4mg 4/8/22 1.25mg

Multiple unsuccessful previous attempts to taper off citalopram. Vegan, otherwise healthy lifestyle. Other medications; kliovance (HRT) Other supplements; magnesium glycinate, calcium, B12, vitD and vegan omega3. I use valerian and lemon balm tea for anxiety relief

Completely OFF booze (since 6/11/21) and caffeine (since July 21) now. Main symptoms; crushing depression, anhedonia/emotional anesthesia, irritability, rage, anxiety/fear, cognitive fog, inability to focus, restlessness and some insomnia

 

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@Kat66

Yes, I feel the same...my husband thinks its because I dont have a job and I need more things to keep me busy. But I have no motivation right now to do anything.  Don't misunderstand, I am still anxious and depressed and hating life, but when the anxiety starts to creep in I try to change my thoughts --just started doing this 1 day ago.

Now I figured out from folks here that I need to stop caffeine and beer --omg. I dont know about stopping my coffee I need something to wake me up in the morning. Maybe I could switch to some decaf tea I guess..i don't know. 

Do you work? What do you do with your time to distract yourself? 

I am new to group this a.m. I am thankful to see the advice and help that is available.

My history:

Effexor 300mg 10 yrs Jan 2000

Effexor 150mg 11 yrs (cold turkey myself w/no adverse effects) 2011 

Tapered 10% beads starting in January 2020

Completely off March 2021

8/5/2022--Feeling depressed, anxiety since off meds--thought it was menopause and life changes(kids growing up etc.)

Starting fish oil and magnesium 8/5/2022

 

 

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@mg3570 I stopped caffeine last year and drink decaf tea and coffee. I'm used to it now. Alcohol...hmm that's a different thing. I've had the odd slip up but mostly manage to avoid it for months at a time. I notice when I have a drink all hell breaks loose and this existential crap gets a lot worse. 

 

I can totally relate to the lack of motivation, even though there's plenty I could be getting on with. The 'ooomph' has gone out of life and I don't see the point.

 

I work part time, three days a week. It gives me structure up to a point. I used to be a full time illustrator making decent money. That's all gone. I feel so stuck. I have to force myself to do things, and once I'm doing the stuff I can get through it, but like I said before, it's like my heart's not in life any more. What am I doing it for? It's existential stuff....

 

To distract myself I garden, exercise, watch TV, read, clean....etc, sounds so dull! It doesn't help that I'm a perfectionist who expects too much from myself and when I fall short I beat myself up.

 

I wish I could find a higher purpose, any purpose!!

 

Does this resonate with you? What do you do to change your thoughts? Is getting a job something you feel you might want to do?

History of depression and anxiety. Symptoms of PTSD.

1998-1999 Venlafaxine 2006-2007 Prozac. 2013-15 Sertraline 50mg. 2015 cross-tapered to citalopram 20mg. 2015-2021 Citalopram 20mg (brief increase to 30mg for 2/3 months in 2019.

01/2021 Dropped from 20mg to 10mg, back up to 20mg til June.

25/6/21 stopped CT. Started 50mg 5htp after a week without citalopram in the hope this would balance out my serotonin levels. After 3 days increased to 100mg 5htp.
11/7/21 Stopped 5htp with the intention of reinstating citalopram at 1mg.  

16/7/21 Reinstated cit at 1mg.

2/8/21 Increased dose to 2mg. 
28/11/21 10% reduction to 1.8mg.

8/12/21 2mg 6/1/22 1.8mg 10/2/22 1.6mg 13/5/22 1.5mg 4/6/22 1.55mg 4/7/22 1.4mg 4/8/22 1.25mg

Multiple unsuccessful previous attempts to taper off citalopram. Vegan, otherwise healthy lifestyle. Other medications; kliovance (HRT) Other supplements; magnesium glycinate, calcium, B12, vitD and vegan omega3. I use valerian and lemon balm tea for anxiety relief

Completely OFF booze (since 6/11/21) and caffeine (since July 21) now. Main symptoms; crushing depression, anhedonia/emotional anesthesia, irritability, rage, anxiety/fear, cognitive fog, inability to focus, restlessness and some insomnia

 

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@Kat66

I feel the same way as you.  To change my thoughts I just say "no this is not going to happen. I'm not going to think this" and suppress it down. I'm no expert for sure just learning about all this.  I try to distract myself with things but nothing is interesting me right now. I actually went for a walk this a m that helped I think. I feel getting out in nature in sunshine helps too. Walking in the grass.. 

I'm very restless so nothing feels right. 

I should get a job to take my mind off myself but i dont know if I really am up to it.  

 

I am new to group this a.m. I am thankful to see the advice and help that is available.

My history:

Effexor 300mg 10 yrs Jan 2000

Effexor 150mg 11 yrs (cold turkey myself w/no adverse effects) 2011 

Tapered 10% beads starting in January 2020

Completely off March 2021

8/5/2022--Feeling depressed, anxiety since off meds--thought it was menopause and life changes(kids growing up etc.)

Starting fish oil and magnesium 8/5/2022

 

 

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@mg3570 yep I could basically have written everything you wrote. Getting out into nature does help - but if anything helps, it's only a tiny amount. Nothing touches the sides if this emptiness......

History of depression and anxiety. Symptoms of PTSD.

1998-1999 Venlafaxine 2006-2007 Prozac. 2013-15 Sertraline 50mg. 2015 cross-tapered to citalopram 20mg. 2015-2021 Citalopram 20mg (brief increase to 30mg for 2/3 months in 2019.

01/2021 Dropped from 20mg to 10mg, back up to 20mg til June.

25/6/21 stopped CT. Started 50mg 5htp after a week without citalopram in the hope this would balance out my serotonin levels. After 3 days increased to 100mg 5htp.
11/7/21 Stopped 5htp with the intention of reinstating citalopram at 1mg.  

16/7/21 Reinstated cit at 1mg.

2/8/21 Increased dose to 2mg. 
28/11/21 10% reduction to 1.8mg.

8/12/21 2mg 6/1/22 1.8mg 10/2/22 1.6mg 13/5/22 1.5mg 4/6/22 1.55mg 4/7/22 1.4mg 4/8/22 1.25mg

Multiple unsuccessful previous attempts to taper off citalopram. Vegan, otherwise healthy lifestyle. Other medications; kliovance (HRT) Other supplements; magnesium glycinate, calcium, B12, vitD and vegan omega3. I use valerian and lemon balm tea for anxiety relief

Completely OFF booze (since 6/11/21) and caffeine (since July 21) now. Main symptoms; crushing depression, anhedonia/emotional anesthesia, irritability, rage, anxiety/fear, cognitive fog, inability to focus, restlessness and some insomnia

 

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  • Mentor

@Kat66 @mg3570 hey girls I know this is very hard and discouraging a lot of days.  I know how hard it is to stay focused and distract. I Know what it feels like to wonder who you are, who you are going to be when we are finally healed from  this temporary chemical brain injury. Can I heal from this, the whole negative self talk.  Thank goodness we have SA and people who can resonate, support, reassure each other that we are not alone.  Reading success stories when we need to be reminded that people heal from this.

 

  Distracting is a, moving target, what works on one day does not always work the next 😒 Sometimes all you can do is to make it to your pillow.  

 

  Kat you are doing a great job, you can read, watch tv, WORK, garden, to name a few, MG3570  you got out in nature.  Both of you are doing something big that we should recognize.  Your body is working hard every single minute of every single day to heal from this temporary chemical brain injury.🌞

 

 

 

https://www.survivingantidepressants.org/topic/24894-greatful-is-this-withdrawal-or-to-many-med-changes-at-once/

1995? Prozac,  tried several Paxil, Serzone, St John's Wart back to Prozac and Trazodone ct:d Traz

 Lexapro. Tried to stop Crash in 2015  Kindled   Hospitalized, Vybrid, Seroquel, Effexor, Abilify  Pristiq, Wellbutrin-- 2016  ended back on   Prozac and Lamictal 200mg

5/2020  thru 12/2020 taper from 20mg  Prozac  down to 3mg.  Crashed  12/13/2020 Zoloft 50mg 1/29ct  1/29/2021 Seroquel 50mg ct  2/12/2021 Wellbutrin 75mg.  Became hypo manic 2/1  6ct Trazodone 50mg 4/25  25mg 2/5/ 2021 Lamictal 150mg.  2/24  100mg   4/9  75mg   4/21 37.5 

2/16/2021 Seroquel 50xr  3/3 100mg  3/17  150mg  side effects ct   4/3 2021 Lexapro 5mg  4/14  7.5mg  4/30 10mg  5/10  7.5mg 

2021/ 5/16  5mg Lexapro   37.5 Lamictal   25mg trazadone,   xanax  .0625mg  3x a day   

Xanax 0.625 3x a day   Trazodone 25mg  Holding these

Lexapro   Sept/01/2021  4.90mg>  Sept/25  4.75mg>   Oct/19 4.69mg > Nov/14 4.2mg    Jan/30/2022-- All liquid  4.2mg  (2.20mg at 8am & 2mg at 4pm) 2/17 4mg>  2/24  3.8mg   3/21 3.4mg>  5/2 3mg > 6/1  decreasing by 0.02ml  daily  to 2.7mg>  7/1 decreasing 0.02ml daily to  2.5 mg>  8/1 decreasing 0.02ml daily to 2.26mg

Lamictal  7/17/2022  25mg  9/9/2022 20mg

Supplements  Magnesium 300mg-400mg

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Thank God for this site and angels like you @Greatful...some days I couldn't live without SA xxxxx

History of depression and anxiety. Symptoms of PTSD.

1998-1999 Venlafaxine 2006-2007 Prozac. 2013-15 Sertraline 50mg. 2015 cross-tapered to citalopram 20mg. 2015-2021 Citalopram 20mg (brief increase to 30mg for 2/3 months in 2019.

01/2021 Dropped from 20mg to 10mg, back up to 20mg til June.

25/6/21 stopped CT. Started 50mg 5htp after a week without citalopram in the hope this would balance out my serotonin levels. After 3 days increased to 100mg 5htp.
11/7/21 Stopped 5htp with the intention of reinstating citalopram at 1mg.  

16/7/21 Reinstated cit at 1mg.

2/8/21 Increased dose to 2mg. 
28/11/21 10% reduction to 1.8mg.

8/12/21 2mg 6/1/22 1.8mg 10/2/22 1.6mg 13/5/22 1.5mg 4/6/22 1.55mg 4/7/22 1.4mg 4/8/22 1.25mg

Multiple unsuccessful previous attempts to taper off citalopram. Vegan, otherwise healthy lifestyle. Other medications; kliovance (HRT) Other supplements; magnesium glycinate, calcium, B12, vitD and vegan omega3. I use valerian and lemon balm tea for anxiety relief

Completely OFF booze (since 6/11/21) and caffeine (since July 21) now. Main symptoms; crushing depression, anhedonia/emotional anesthesia, irritability, rage, anxiety/fear, cognitive fog, inability to focus, restlessness and some insomnia

 

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  • 2 weeks later...

I thought I'd drop in and give my 2 cents

 

I'm a Christian.. Yet this multi year tapering journey and decade old being drugged up.. has made me so numb and unmotivated it's affected my spiritual walk quite significantly..

 

It's crazy how you can have the truth and pray to God yet still have such a void inside due to these mind numbing pills..

 

I lay here every night asking for relief.. what do I I next with my life lord?..

 

been this way for years.. every single night.. am just over it! The prison of the soul. 

 

Just wakeup tommorow and itl be the same thing again. 

Luvox 300mg 2014-2021 many attempts at tapering, finally off

 

Anafranil 75mg 2020 Dec 

Anafranil 50mg 2021 mar

Anafranil 25mg 2022 Aug

 

Currently on anafranil 25mg

 

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Hi @Mogiebear I'm not religious but I do relate so much to what you've said. It is so upsetting that these drugs/WD have numbed us to life and its experiences, whether that's a profound faith, or, well, a million other important things in life. It feels so much out of our hands. Your comment of being 'over it' resonates so much and I think that's where my cynical nihilist resignation comes from. I'm EXHAUSTED from this. The same thing day in day out just wears you down and leaves you feeling like a shell. It sounds like you still have a faith, which is wonderful, and hopefully one day you'll be able to fully feel it again.

History of depression and anxiety. Symptoms of PTSD.

1998-1999 Venlafaxine 2006-2007 Prozac. 2013-15 Sertraline 50mg. 2015 cross-tapered to citalopram 20mg. 2015-2021 Citalopram 20mg (brief increase to 30mg for 2/3 months in 2019.

01/2021 Dropped from 20mg to 10mg, back up to 20mg til June.

25/6/21 stopped CT. Started 50mg 5htp after a week without citalopram in the hope this would balance out my serotonin levels. After 3 days increased to 100mg 5htp.
11/7/21 Stopped 5htp with the intention of reinstating citalopram at 1mg.  

16/7/21 Reinstated cit at 1mg.

2/8/21 Increased dose to 2mg. 
28/11/21 10% reduction to 1.8mg.

8/12/21 2mg 6/1/22 1.8mg 10/2/22 1.6mg 13/5/22 1.5mg 4/6/22 1.55mg 4/7/22 1.4mg 4/8/22 1.25mg

Multiple unsuccessful previous attempts to taper off citalopram. Vegan, otherwise healthy lifestyle. Other medications; kliovance (HRT) Other supplements; magnesium glycinate, calcium, B12, vitD and vegan omega3. I use valerian and lemon balm tea for anxiety relief

Completely OFF booze (since 6/11/21) and caffeine (since July 21) now. Main symptoms; crushing depression, anhedonia/emotional anesthesia, irritability, rage, anxiety/fear, cognitive fog, inability to focus, restlessness and some insomnia

 

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  • 2 weeks later...

I get this way and it is one of the symptoms I most despise. I am constantly judging others and myself. I am very pessimistic and weary. I am irritable with people on the street.

 

It is devastating because it was one of my favourite qualities previously... being positive. Weirdly being a depressed person made me one of the more optimistic people among a group of friends. People found me very positive. I think perhaps because the depression was chronic and out of my control (like, the lack of energy and motivation), that at the very least I could be positive about superficial things and day-to-day activities? Not sure if that makes sense..

 

I hardly compared ever myself to others. The world is so stressful and bleak, I always tried to make an effort to be nice to every person I encounter, even if it be a tiny interaction.

 

But now, with quitting antidepressants and having the withdrawals, I am a completely different person. I am angry and constantly ruminating, and I cannot be positive about anything. I never used to compare myself to others, and now I do all the time.   I'm now jealous and jaded, I feel that everyone is having more fun than me and everyone has it better than me. I am weary of people and new relationships. 

 

 

- Prozac (Fluoxetine) 40 mg, beginning 2010 - quit February 2022
- Wellbutrin (Bupropion) 300 mg, beginning 2016 - quit February 2022
- Severe withdrawal symptoms begin July 2022
- Reinstated Prozac (Fluoxetine) 10 mg August 2022
 
 
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Wow even 6 months after quitting aye? 

Luvox 300mg 2014-2021 many attempts at tapering, finally off

 

Anafranil 75mg 2020 Dec 

Anafranil 50mg 2021 mar

Anafranil 25mg 2022 Aug

 

Currently on anafranil 25mg

 

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@kikkirimo009 thanks for sharing your experience of this. It is reassuring that I’m not the only one going through this. The loss of positivity is insidious and creeping. I hope when I’m healed I get some of it back but the way I’m thinking right now I feel this change is permanent.

 

Did you quit your ADs cold turkey?

 

I find the best way to deal with this mindset is to remove myself from people and try and practice self compassion. You can’t be compassionate to others if you can’t be compassionate to yourself, right? This could mean reading, watching comforting tv, spending time in nature. People are my trigger so avoiding them is essential!

 

 Sometimes this approach calms the negativity. 


Sending love and support x

 

 

History of depression and anxiety. Symptoms of PTSD.

1998-1999 Venlafaxine 2006-2007 Prozac. 2013-15 Sertraline 50mg. 2015 cross-tapered to citalopram 20mg. 2015-2021 Citalopram 20mg (brief increase to 30mg for 2/3 months in 2019.

01/2021 Dropped from 20mg to 10mg, back up to 20mg til June.

25/6/21 stopped CT. Started 50mg 5htp after a week without citalopram in the hope this would balance out my serotonin levels. After 3 days increased to 100mg 5htp.
11/7/21 Stopped 5htp with the intention of reinstating citalopram at 1mg.  

16/7/21 Reinstated cit at 1mg.

2/8/21 Increased dose to 2mg. 
28/11/21 10% reduction to 1.8mg.

8/12/21 2mg 6/1/22 1.8mg 10/2/22 1.6mg 13/5/22 1.5mg 4/6/22 1.55mg 4/7/22 1.4mg 4/8/22 1.25mg

Multiple unsuccessful previous attempts to taper off citalopram. Vegan, otherwise healthy lifestyle. Other medications; kliovance (HRT) Other supplements; magnesium glycinate, calcium, B12, vitD and vegan omega3. I use valerian and lemon balm tea for anxiety relief

Completely OFF booze (since 6/11/21) and caffeine (since July 21) now. Main symptoms; crushing depression, anhedonia/emotional anesthesia, irritability, rage, anxiety/fear, cognitive fog, inability to focus, restlessness and some insomnia

 

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On 8/26/2022 at 11:54 PM, Mogiebear said:

Wow even 6 months after quitting aye? 

Yes, I just updated my signature, but basically my WD symptoms did not come on until just over a month ago. I went months and months with none of this occurring..  

 

 

 

@Kat66 Thank you for the advice. You're right, self compassion is so important. 

18 hours ago, Kat66 said:

right now I feel this change is permanent.

This makes me sad to hear for you, but I also feel this right now so I understand. But maybe our focus and discomfort with this just means that deep down we are caring and empathetic people. Joan Didion once said, "In order to remember it, one must have known it."

 

And yes I did cold turkey. I was completely unaware of of severe WD could be so now here I am...

- Prozac (Fluoxetine) 40 mg, beginning 2010 - quit February 2022
- Wellbutrin (Bupropion) 300 mg, beginning 2016 - quit February 2022
- Severe withdrawal symptoms begin July 2022
- Reinstated Prozac (Fluoxetine) 10 mg August 2022
 
 
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7 hours ago, kikkirimo009 said:

But maybe our focus and discomfort with this just means that deep down we are caring and empathetic people. Joan Didion once said, "In order to remember it, one must have known it."

 

And yes I did cold turkey. I was completely unaware of of severe WD could be so now here I am...

That's what upsets me about the way I am right now - I used to volunteer for the Samaritans, listening to people's despair and empathising. I'm now so full of hate for people and I hate that. It doesn't feel like 'me' if you will. 

 

I was the same regarding not knowing how severe WD could be. I thought it would be three weeks of feeling 'off' then I'd be ok. A year later here I am in hell!

History of depression and anxiety. Symptoms of PTSD.

1998-1999 Venlafaxine 2006-2007 Prozac. 2013-15 Sertraline 50mg. 2015 cross-tapered to citalopram 20mg. 2015-2021 Citalopram 20mg (brief increase to 30mg for 2/3 months in 2019.

01/2021 Dropped from 20mg to 10mg, back up to 20mg til June.

25/6/21 stopped CT. Started 50mg 5htp after a week without citalopram in the hope this would balance out my serotonin levels. After 3 days increased to 100mg 5htp.
11/7/21 Stopped 5htp with the intention of reinstating citalopram at 1mg.  

16/7/21 Reinstated cit at 1mg.

2/8/21 Increased dose to 2mg. 
28/11/21 10% reduction to 1.8mg.

8/12/21 2mg 6/1/22 1.8mg 10/2/22 1.6mg 13/5/22 1.5mg 4/6/22 1.55mg 4/7/22 1.4mg 4/8/22 1.25mg

Multiple unsuccessful previous attempts to taper off citalopram. Vegan, otherwise healthy lifestyle. Other medications; kliovance (HRT) Other supplements; magnesium glycinate, calcium, B12, vitD and vegan omega3. I use valerian and lemon balm tea for anxiety relief

Completely OFF booze (since 6/11/21) and caffeine (since July 21) now. Main symptoms; crushing depression, anhedonia/emotional anesthesia, irritability, rage, anxiety/fear, cognitive fog, inability to focus, restlessness and some insomnia

 

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