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Becoming jaded, angry, nihilist and cynical about existence


Kat66

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I've been on this WD journey since summer 2021, and since then I've gradually become more jaded, cynical, fed up, angry with basically everything. I'm not the person I was, and it worries me. I find myself hating humans for what they've done to this planet, a view which is becoming more entrenched as time goes on. I can't watch the news any more because it's all so grim, and I just become more angry. It worries me that when this WD journey is over I will be a shell of who I was, incapable of kindness and shut off from life. Anger is one of my biggest symptoms and has basically become part of my personality. The tears are welling up as I write this, as I hate myself so much for what I've become. I don't want to be this person but I don't know what to do to stop the progression towards being unrescuable.

 

Can anyone relate?

History of depression and anxiety. Symptoms of PTSD. 1998-1999 Venlafaxine 2006-2007 Prozac.2013-15 Sertraline 50mg. 2015 cross-tapered to citalopram 20mg. 2015-2021 Citalopram 20mg (brief increase to 30mg for 2/3 months in 2019. 01/2021 Dropped from 20mg to 10mg, back up to 20mg til June. 25/6/21 stopped CT. Started 50mg 5htp after a week without citalopram in the hope this would balance out my serotonin levels. After 3 days increased to 100mg 5htp. 11/7/21 Stopped 5htp with the intention of reinstating citalopram at 1mg. 16/7/21 Reinstated cit at 1mg. 2/8/21 Increased dose to 2mg. 28/11/21 10% reduction to 1.8mg.

8/12/21 2mg 6/1/22 1.8mg 10/2/22 1.6mg 13/5/22 1.5mg 4/6/22 1.55mg 4/7/22 1.4mg 4/8/22 1.25mg 1/11/22 1.1mg 3/3/23 1mg 18/4/23 0.9mg 2/6/23 0.8mg 4/10/23 0.7mg 11/11/23 jumped off @0.7mg started on 5htp 200mg -400mg, L-Theanine, and L-tyrosine 200mg. 25/11/23 came off 5-htp, l-tyrosine and l-Theanine. 24/12/23 went on 7.5mg mirtazapine. 27/12/23 stopped mirtazapine & reinstated citalopram @.35mg. 1/1/24 increased to 0.5mg. PTSD diagnosis October 2023. 11/11/23 started EMDR therapy for PTSD. Multiple unsuccessful attempts to taper off citalopram. Vegan, otherwise healthy lifestyle. Other medications; tapering off combined HRT. Other supplements; magnesium glycinate, vegan omega3. Completely OFF caffeine (since July 21). Finding it difficult to completely give up alcohol but haven’t had any since 25/12/23. Main symptoms; crushing depression, anhedonia/emotional anesthesia, irritability, rage, anxiety/fear, intrusive thoughts, cognitive fog, inability to focus, restlessness and some insomnia

 

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@Kat66 Hi there,

I have those same exact feelings...anger at everyone and everything, depression. I know how you feel. Its part of the withdrawal it will pass. Mine is starting to lessen a little bit--not much but less. Its not who you are just keep telling yourself that...push down the thoughts...change the channel and think of something else. I know its hard but practicing it over and over will help. Its all a process our brain and body has to go though I guess to get back to ourselves.

 

I am new to group this a.m. I am thankful to see the advice and help that is available.

My history:

Effexor 300mg 10 yrs Jan 2000

Effexor 150mg 11 yrs (cold turkey myself w/no adverse effects) 2011 

Tapered 10% beads starting in January 2020

Completely off March 2021

8/5/2022--Feeling depressed, anxiety since off meds--thought it was menopause and life changes(kids growing up etc.)

Starting fish oil and magnesium 8/5/2022

 

 

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@mg3570 thanks for replying. You are drug free according to your signature but you're still having symptoms including these horrible 'anti-everything' thoughts? It's good that you can disassociate from the thoughts and know they're part of WD. I have real trouble with that.

 

I also feel very nihilistic about my own existence - and need a purpose. I too am going through menopause. The combination of that plus WD is a ****ing nightmare isn't it!!

 

That's why I posted in this section - my life has lost direction and I feel rudderless!!!

History of depression and anxiety. Symptoms of PTSD. 1998-1999 Venlafaxine 2006-2007 Prozac.2013-15 Sertraline 50mg. 2015 cross-tapered to citalopram 20mg. 2015-2021 Citalopram 20mg (brief increase to 30mg for 2/3 months in 2019. 01/2021 Dropped from 20mg to 10mg, back up to 20mg til June. 25/6/21 stopped CT. Started 50mg 5htp after a week without citalopram in the hope this would balance out my serotonin levels. After 3 days increased to 100mg 5htp. 11/7/21 Stopped 5htp with the intention of reinstating citalopram at 1mg. 16/7/21 Reinstated cit at 1mg. 2/8/21 Increased dose to 2mg. 28/11/21 10% reduction to 1.8mg.

8/12/21 2mg 6/1/22 1.8mg 10/2/22 1.6mg 13/5/22 1.5mg 4/6/22 1.55mg 4/7/22 1.4mg 4/8/22 1.25mg 1/11/22 1.1mg 3/3/23 1mg 18/4/23 0.9mg 2/6/23 0.8mg 4/10/23 0.7mg 11/11/23 jumped off @0.7mg started on 5htp 200mg -400mg, L-Theanine, and L-tyrosine 200mg. 25/11/23 came off 5-htp, l-tyrosine and l-Theanine. 24/12/23 went on 7.5mg mirtazapine. 27/12/23 stopped mirtazapine & reinstated citalopram @.35mg. 1/1/24 increased to 0.5mg. PTSD diagnosis October 2023. 11/11/23 started EMDR therapy for PTSD. Multiple unsuccessful attempts to taper off citalopram. Vegan, otherwise healthy lifestyle. Other medications; tapering off combined HRT. Other supplements; magnesium glycinate, vegan omega3. Completely OFF caffeine (since July 21). Finding it difficult to completely give up alcohol but haven’t had any since 25/12/23. Main symptoms; crushing depression, anhedonia/emotional anesthesia, irritability, rage, anxiety/fear, intrusive thoughts, cognitive fog, inability to focus, restlessness and some insomnia

 

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@Kat66

Yes, I feel the same...my husband thinks its because I dont have a job and I need more things to keep me busy. But I have no motivation right now to do anything.  Don't misunderstand, I am still anxious and depressed and hating life, but when the anxiety starts to creep in I try to change my thoughts --just started doing this 1 day ago.

Now I figured out from folks here that I need to stop caffeine and beer --omg. I dont know about stopping my coffee I need something to wake me up in the morning. Maybe I could switch to some decaf tea I guess..i don't know. 

Do you work? What do you do with your time to distract yourself? 

I am new to group this a.m. I am thankful to see the advice and help that is available.

My history:

Effexor 300mg 10 yrs Jan 2000

Effexor 150mg 11 yrs (cold turkey myself w/no adverse effects) 2011 

Tapered 10% beads starting in January 2020

Completely off March 2021

8/5/2022--Feeling depressed, anxiety since off meds--thought it was menopause and life changes(kids growing up etc.)

Starting fish oil and magnesium 8/5/2022

 

 

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@mg3570 I stopped caffeine last year and drink decaf tea and coffee. I'm used to it now. Alcohol...hmm that's a different thing. I've had the odd slip up but mostly manage to avoid it for months at a time. I notice when I have a drink all hell breaks loose and this existential crap gets a lot worse. 

 

I can totally relate to the lack of motivation, even though there's plenty I could be getting on with. The 'ooomph' has gone out of life and I don't see the point.

 

I work part time, three days a week. It gives me structure up to a point. I used to be a full time illustrator making decent money. That's all gone. I feel so stuck. I have to force myself to do things, and once I'm doing the stuff I can get through it, but like I said before, it's like my heart's not in life any more. What am I doing it for? It's existential stuff....

 

To distract myself I garden, exercise, watch TV, read, clean....etc, sounds so dull! It doesn't help that I'm a perfectionist who expects too much from myself and when I fall short I beat myself up.

 

I wish I could find a higher purpose, any purpose!!

 

Does this resonate with you? What do you do to change your thoughts? Is getting a job something you feel you might want to do?

History of depression and anxiety. Symptoms of PTSD. 1998-1999 Venlafaxine 2006-2007 Prozac.2013-15 Sertraline 50mg. 2015 cross-tapered to citalopram 20mg. 2015-2021 Citalopram 20mg (brief increase to 30mg for 2/3 months in 2019. 01/2021 Dropped from 20mg to 10mg, back up to 20mg til June. 25/6/21 stopped CT. Started 50mg 5htp after a week without citalopram in the hope this would balance out my serotonin levels. After 3 days increased to 100mg 5htp. 11/7/21 Stopped 5htp with the intention of reinstating citalopram at 1mg. 16/7/21 Reinstated cit at 1mg. 2/8/21 Increased dose to 2mg. 28/11/21 10% reduction to 1.8mg.

8/12/21 2mg 6/1/22 1.8mg 10/2/22 1.6mg 13/5/22 1.5mg 4/6/22 1.55mg 4/7/22 1.4mg 4/8/22 1.25mg 1/11/22 1.1mg 3/3/23 1mg 18/4/23 0.9mg 2/6/23 0.8mg 4/10/23 0.7mg 11/11/23 jumped off @0.7mg started on 5htp 200mg -400mg, L-Theanine, and L-tyrosine 200mg. 25/11/23 came off 5-htp, l-tyrosine and l-Theanine. 24/12/23 went on 7.5mg mirtazapine. 27/12/23 stopped mirtazapine & reinstated citalopram @.35mg. 1/1/24 increased to 0.5mg. PTSD diagnosis October 2023. 11/11/23 started EMDR therapy for PTSD. Multiple unsuccessful attempts to taper off citalopram. Vegan, otherwise healthy lifestyle. Other medications; tapering off combined HRT. Other supplements; magnesium glycinate, vegan omega3. Completely OFF caffeine (since July 21). Finding it difficult to completely give up alcohol but haven’t had any since 25/12/23. Main symptoms; crushing depression, anhedonia/emotional anesthesia, irritability, rage, anxiety/fear, intrusive thoughts, cognitive fog, inability to focus, restlessness and some insomnia

 

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@Kat66

I feel the same way as you.  To change my thoughts I just say "no this is not going to happen. I'm not going to think this" and suppress it down. I'm no expert for sure just learning about all this.  I try to distract myself with things but nothing is interesting me right now. I actually went for a walk this a m that helped I think. I feel getting out in nature in sunshine helps too. Walking in the grass.. 

I'm very restless so nothing feels right. 

I should get a job to take my mind off myself but i dont know if I really am up to it.  

 

I am new to group this a.m. I am thankful to see the advice and help that is available.

My history:

Effexor 300mg 10 yrs Jan 2000

Effexor 150mg 11 yrs (cold turkey myself w/no adverse effects) 2011 

Tapered 10% beads starting in January 2020

Completely off March 2021

8/5/2022--Feeling depressed, anxiety since off meds--thought it was menopause and life changes(kids growing up etc.)

Starting fish oil and magnesium 8/5/2022

 

 

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@mg3570 yep I could basically have written everything you wrote. Getting out into nature does help - but if anything helps, it's only a tiny amount. Nothing touches the sides if this emptiness......

History of depression and anxiety. Symptoms of PTSD. 1998-1999 Venlafaxine 2006-2007 Prozac.2013-15 Sertraline 50mg. 2015 cross-tapered to citalopram 20mg. 2015-2021 Citalopram 20mg (brief increase to 30mg for 2/3 months in 2019. 01/2021 Dropped from 20mg to 10mg, back up to 20mg til June. 25/6/21 stopped CT. Started 50mg 5htp after a week without citalopram in the hope this would balance out my serotonin levels. After 3 days increased to 100mg 5htp. 11/7/21 Stopped 5htp with the intention of reinstating citalopram at 1mg. 16/7/21 Reinstated cit at 1mg. 2/8/21 Increased dose to 2mg. 28/11/21 10% reduction to 1.8mg.

8/12/21 2mg 6/1/22 1.8mg 10/2/22 1.6mg 13/5/22 1.5mg 4/6/22 1.55mg 4/7/22 1.4mg 4/8/22 1.25mg 1/11/22 1.1mg 3/3/23 1mg 18/4/23 0.9mg 2/6/23 0.8mg 4/10/23 0.7mg 11/11/23 jumped off @0.7mg started on 5htp 200mg -400mg, L-Theanine, and L-tyrosine 200mg. 25/11/23 came off 5-htp, l-tyrosine and l-Theanine. 24/12/23 went on 7.5mg mirtazapine. 27/12/23 stopped mirtazapine & reinstated citalopram @.35mg. 1/1/24 increased to 0.5mg. PTSD diagnosis October 2023. 11/11/23 started EMDR therapy for PTSD. Multiple unsuccessful attempts to taper off citalopram. Vegan, otherwise healthy lifestyle. Other medications; tapering off combined HRT. Other supplements; magnesium glycinate, vegan omega3. Completely OFF caffeine (since July 21). Finding it difficult to completely give up alcohol but haven’t had any since 25/12/23. Main symptoms; crushing depression, anhedonia/emotional anesthesia, irritability, rage, anxiety/fear, intrusive thoughts, cognitive fog, inability to focus, restlessness and some insomnia

 

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  • Mentor

@Kat66 @mg3570 hey girls I know this is very hard and discouraging a lot of days.  I know how hard it is to stay focused and distract. I Know what it feels like to wonder who you are, who you are going to be when we are finally healed from  this temporary chemical brain injury. Can I heal from this, the whole negative self talk.  Thank goodness we have SA and people who can resonate, support, reassure each other that we are not alone.  Reading success stories when we need to be reminded that people heal from this.

 

  Distracting is a, moving target, what works on one day does not always work the next 😒 Sometimes all you can do is to make it to your pillow.  

 

  Kat you are doing a great job, you can read, watch tv, WORK, garden, to name a few, MG3570  you got out in nature.  Both of you are doing something big that we should recognize.  Your body is working hard every single minute of every single day to heal from this temporary chemical brain injury.🌞

 

 

 

https://www.survivingantidepressants.org/topic/24894-greatful-is-this-withdrawal-or-to-many-med-changes-at-once/

1995? Prozac,  tried several Paxil, Serzone, St John's Wart back to Prozac and Trazodone ct:d Traz

 Lexapro. Tried to stop Crash in 2015  Kindled   Hospitalized, Vybrid, Seroquel, Effexor, Abilify  Pristiq, Wellbutrin-- 2016  ended back on   Prozac and Lamictal 200mg

5/2020  thru 12/2020 taper from 20mg  Prozac  down to 3mg.  Crashed  12/13/2020 Zoloft 50mg 1/29ct  1/29/2021 Seroquel 50mg ct  2/12/2021 Wellbutrin 75mg.  Became hypo manic 2/1  6ct Trazodone 50mg 4/25  25mg 2/5/ 2021 Lamictal 150mg.  2/24  100mg   4/9  75mg   4/21 37.5 

2/16/2021 Seroquel 50xr  3/3 100mg  3/17  150mg  side effects ct   4/3 2021 Lexapro 5mg  4/14  7.5mg  4/30 10mg  5/10  7.5mg 

2021/ 5/16  5mg Lexapro   37.5 Lamictal   25mg trazadone,   xanax  .0625mg  3x a day   

Lexapro  Taper> Sept/01/2021  4.90mg>  Sept/25  4.75mg>   Oct/19 4.69mg > Nov/14 4.2mg    Jan/30/2022-- Split dosing 2x a day All liquid  4.2mg  (2.20mg at 8am & 2mg at 4pm) 2/17 4mg>  2/24  3.8mg  slow taper to  Aug/12/2022 2.04mg  2023> 2mg,  1.90mg, 1.80mg, 1.70mg, 1.5mg, 1.4mg, 1.3mg 1.2mg, 1.1mg, 1mg, 0.9mg, 0.8mg, 0.7mg 0.65mg, 0.6mg, 0.55mg, 0.5mg, 0.45mg, 0.4mg, 0.35mg, 0.3mg, 0.25,mg, back to once a day dosing 0 .1mg, 0.07mg

Lamictal  taper  4/17/ 2022 25mg, 9/9/ 22 -20mg, 9/25/22- 15mg , 10/20/22-   0

 Trazodone..2023.>down to 14mg, 7mg, 6mg  July 2023   0

Xanax  0.0625 3 x a day,  2023>  0.042 3x a day

Supplements  Magnesium glycinate, Omega 3, D3, vitamin c , zinc, NAC 

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Thank God for this site and angels like you @Greatful...some days I couldn't live without SA xxxxx

History of depression and anxiety. Symptoms of PTSD. 1998-1999 Venlafaxine 2006-2007 Prozac.2013-15 Sertraline 50mg. 2015 cross-tapered to citalopram 20mg. 2015-2021 Citalopram 20mg (brief increase to 30mg for 2/3 months in 2019. 01/2021 Dropped from 20mg to 10mg, back up to 20mg til June. 25/6/21 stopped CT. Started 50mg 5htp after a week without citalopram in the hope this would balance out my serotonin levels. After 3 days increased to 100mg 5htp. 11/7/21 Stopped 5htp with the intention of reinstating citalopram at 1mg. 16/7/21 Reinstated cit at 1mg. 2/8/21 Increased dose to 2mg. 28/11/21 10% reduction to 1.8mg.

8/12/21 2mg 6/1/22 1.8mg 10/2/22 1.6mg 13/5/22 1.5mg 4/6/22 1.55mg 4/7/22 1.4mg 4/8/22 1.25mg 1/11/22 1.1mg 3/3/23 1mg 18/4/23 0.9mg 2/6/23 0.8mg 4/10/23 0.7mg 11/11/23 jumped off @0.7mg started on 5htp 200mg -400mg, L-Theanine, and L-tyrosine 200mg. 25/11/23 came off 5-htp, l-tyrosine and l-Theanine. 24/12/23 went on 7.5mg mirtazapine. 27/12/23 stopped mirtazapine & reinstated citalopram @.35mg. 1/1/24 increased to 0.5mg. PTSD diagnosis October 2023. 11/11/23 started EMDR therapy for PTSD. Multiple unsuccessful attempts to taper off citalopram. Vegan, otherwise healthy lifestyle. Other medications; tapering off combined HRT. Other supplements; magnesium glycinate, vegan omega3. Completely OFF caffeine (since July 21). Finding it difficult to completely give up alcohol but haven’t had any since 25/12/23. Main symptoms; crushing depression, anhedonia/emotional anesthesia, irritability, rage, anxiety/fear, intrusive thoughts, cognitive fog, inability to focus, restlessness and some insomnia

 

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  • 2 weeks later...

I thought I'd drop in and give my 2 cents

 

I'm a Christian.. Yet this multi year tapering journey and decade old being drugged up.. has made me so numb and unmotivated it's affected my spiritual walk quite significantly..

 

It's crazy how you can have the truth and pray to God yet still have such a void inside due to these mind numbing pills..

 

I lay here every night asking for relief.. what do I I next with my life lord?..

 

been this way for years.. every single night.. am just over it! The prison of the soul. 

 

Just wakeup tommorow and itl be the same thing again. 

Escitalopram:10mg 2010 - 2014 switched to - Fluvoxamine:300mg 2014-2021 many attempts at tapering, finally off Olanzapine:5mg June 2020

2.5mg, 2mg, 1.5mg, 1mg, .75mg, .5mg, .25mg, 0mg June 2021 Clomipramine 75mg 2020 Dec 50mg 2021 mar37.5mg 2022 june 25mg 2022 Aug 18mg 2022 oct15mg 2022 nov 12.5mg 2023 Jan

9mg 2023 Feb 7.5mg 2023 mar

 

 

 

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Hi @Mogiebear I'm not religious but I do relate so much to what you've said. It is so upsetting that these drugs/WD have numbed us to life and its experiences, whether that's a profound faith, or, well, a million other important things in life. It feels so much out of our hands. Your comment of being 'over it' resonates so much and I think that's where my cynical nihilist resignation comes from. I'm EXHAUSTED from this. The same thing day in day out just wears you down and leaves you feeling like a shell. It sounds like you still have a faith, which is wonderful, and hopefully one day you'll be able to fully feel it again.

History of depression and anxiety. Symptoms of PTSD. 1998-1999 Venlafaxine 2006-2007 Prozac.2013-15 Sertraline 50mg. 2015 cross-tapered to citalopram 20mg. 2015-2021 Citalopram 20mg (brief increase to 30mg for 2/3 months in 2019. 01/2021 Dropped from 20mg to 10mg, back up to 20mg til June. 25/6/21 stopped CT. Started 50mg 5htp after a week without citalopram in the hope this would balance out my serotonin levels. After 3 days increased to 100mg 5htp. 11/7/21 Stopped 5htp with the intention of reinstating citalopram at 1mg. 16/7/21 Reinstated cit at 1mg. 2/8/21 Increased dose to 2mg. 28/11/21 10% reduction to 1.8mg.

8/12/21 2mg 6/1/22 1.8mg 10/2/22 1.6mg 13/5/22 1.5mg 4/6/22 1.55mg 4/7/22 1.4mg 4/8/22 1.25mg 1/11/22 1.1mg 3/3/23 1mg 18/4/23 0.9mg 2/6/23 0.8mg 4/10/23 0.7mg 11/11/23 jumped off @0.7mg started on 5htp 200mg -400mg, L-Theanine, and L-tyrosine 200mg. 25/11/23 came off 5-htp, l-tyrosine and l-Theanine. 24/12/23 went on 7.5mg mirtazapine. 27/12/23 stopped mirtazapine & reinstated citalopram @.35mg. 1/1/24 increased to 0.5mg. PTSD diagnosis October 2023. 11/11/23 started EMDR therapy for PTSD. Multiple unsuccessful attempts to taper off citalopram. Vegan, otherwise healthy lifestyle. Other medications; tapering off combined HRT. Other supplements; magnesium glycinate, vegan omega3. Completely OFF caffeine (since July 21). Finding it difficult to completely give up alcohol but haven’t had any since 25/12/23. Main symptoms; crushing depression, anhedonia/emotional anesthesia, irritability, rage, anxiety/fear, intrusive thoughts, cognitive fog, inability to focus, restlessness and some insomnia

 

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  • 2 weeks later...

I get this way and it is one of the symptoms I most despise. I am constantly judging others and myself. I am very pessimistic and weary. I am irritable with people on the street.

 

It is devastating because it was one of my favourite qualities previously... being positive. Weirdly being a depressed person made me one of the more optimistic people among a group of friends. People found me very positive. I think perhaps because the depression was chronic and out of my control (like, the lack of energy and motivation), that at the very least I could be positive about superficial things and day-to-day activities? Not sure if that makes sense..

 

I hardly compared ever myself to others. The world is so stressful and bleak, I always tried to make an effort to be nice to every person I encounter, even if it be a tiny interaction.

 

But now, with quitting antidepressants and having the withdrawals, I am a completely different person. I am angry and constantly ruminating, and I cannot be positive about anything. I never used to compare myself to others, and now I do all the time.   I'm now jealous and jaded, I feel that everyone is having more fun than me and everyone has it better than me. I am weary of people and new relationships. 

 

 

- Prozac (Fluoxetine) 40 mg, beginning 2010 - quit February 2022
- Wellbutrin (Bupropion) 300 mg, beginning 2016 - quit February 2022
- Severe withdrawal symptoms begin July 2022
- Reinstated Prozac (Fluoxetine) 10 mg August 2022
 
 
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Wow even 6 months after quitting aye? 

Escitalopram:10mg 2010 - 2014 switched to - Fluvoxamine:300mg 2014-2021 many attempts at tapering, finally off Olanzapine:5mg June 2020

2.5mg, 2mg, 1.5mg, 1mg, .75mg, .5mg, .25mg, 0mg June 2021 Clomipramine 75mg 2020 Dec 50mg 2021 mar37.5mg 2022 june 25mg 2022 Aug 18mg 2022 oct15mg 2022 nov 12.5mg 2023 Jan

9mg 2023 Feb 7.5mg 2023 mar

 

 

 

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@kikkirimo009 thanks for sharing your experience of this. It is reassuring that I’m not the only one going through this. The loss of positivity is insidious and creeping. I hope when I’m healed I get some of it back but the way I’m thinking right now I feel this change is permanent.

 

Did you quit your ADs cold turkey?

 

I find the best way to deal with this mindset is to remove myself from people and try and practice self compassion. You can’t be compassionate to others if you can’t be compassionate to yourself, right? This could mean reading, watching comforting tv, spending time in nature. People are my trigger so avoiding them is essential!

 

 Sometimes this approach calms the negativity. 


Sending love and support x

 

 

History of depression and anxiety. Symptoms of PTSD. 1998-1999 Venlafaxine 2006-2007 Prozac.2013-15 Sertraline 50mg. 2015 cross-tapered to citalopram 20mg. 2015-2021 Citalopram 20mg (brief increase to 30mg for 2/3 months in 2019. 01/2021 Dropped from 20mg to 10mg, back up to 20mg til June. 25/6/21 stopped CT. Started 50mg 5htp after a week without citalopram in the hope this would balance out my serotonin levels. After 3 days increased to 100mg 5htp. 11/7/21 Stopped 5htp with the intention of reinstating citalopram at 1mg. 16/7/21 Reinstated cit at 1mg. 2/8/21 Increased dose to 2mg. 28/11/21 10% reduction to 1.8mg.

8/12/21 2mg 6/1/22 1.8mg 10/2/22 1.6mg 13/5/22 1.5mg 4/6/22 1.55mg 4/7/22 1.4mg 4/8/22 1.25mg 1/11/22 1.1mg 3/3/23 1mg 18/4/23 0.9mg 2/6/23 0.8mg 4/10/23 0.7mg 11/11/23 jumped off @0.7mg started on 5htp 200mg -400mg, L-Theanine, and L-tyrosine 200mg. 25/11/23 came off 5-htp, l-tyrosine and l-Theanine. 24/12/23 went on 7.5mg mirtazapine. 27/12/23 stopped mirtazapine & reinstated citalopram @.35mg. 1/1/24 increased to 0.5mg. PTSD diagnosis October 2023. 11/11/23 started EMDR therapy for PTSD. Multiple unsuccessful attempts to taper off citalopram. Vegan, otherwise healthy lifestyle. Other medications; tapering off combined HRT. Other supplements; magnesium glycinate, vegan omega3. Completely OFF caffeine (since July 21). Finding it difficult to completely give up alcohol but haven’t had any since 25/12/23. Main symptoms; crushing depression, anhedonia/emotional anesthesia, irritability, rage, anxiety/fear, intrusive thoughts, cognitive fog, inability to focus, restlessness and some insomnia

 

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On 8/26/2022 at 11:54 PM, Mogiebear said:

Wow even 6 months after quitting aye? 

Yes, I just updated my signature, but basically my WD symptoms did not come on until just over a month ago. I went months and months with none of this occurring..  

 

 

 

@Kat66 Thank you for the advice. You're right, self compassion is so important. 

18 hours ago, Kat66 said:

right now I feel this change is permanent.

This makes me sad to hear for you, but I also feel this right now so I understand. But maybe our focus and discomfort with this just means that deep down we are caring and empathetic people. Joan Didion once said, "In order to remember it, one must have known it."

 

And yes I did cold turkey. I was completely unaware of of severe WD could be so now here I am...

- Prozac (Fluoxetine) 40 mg, beginning 2010 - quit February 2022
- Wellbutrin (Bupropion) 300 mg, beginning 2016 - quit February 2022
- Severe withdrawal symptoms begin July 2022
- Reinstated Prozac (Fluoxetine) 10 mg August 2022
 
 
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7 hours ago, kikkirimo009 said:

But maybe our focus and discomfort with this just means that deep down we are caring and empathetic people. Joan Didion once said, "In order to remember it, one must have known it."

 

And yes I did cold turkey. I was completely unaware of of severe WD could be so now here I am...

That's what upsets me about the way I am right now - I used to volunteer for the Samaritans, listening to people's despair and empathising. I'm now so full of hate for people and I hate that. It doesn't feel like 'me' if you will. 

 

I was the same regarding not knowing how severe WD could be. I thought it would be three weeks of feeling 'off' then I'd be ok. A year later here I am in hell!

History of depression and anxiety. Symptoms of PTSD. 1998-1999 Venlafaxine 2006-2007 Prozac.2013-15 Sertraline 50mg. 2015 cross-tapered to citalopram 20mg. 2015-2021 Citalopram 20mg (brief increase to 30mg for 2/3 months in 2019. 01/2021 Dropped from 20mg to 10mg, back up to 20mg til June. 25/6/21 stopped CT. Started 50mg 5htp after a week without citalopram in the hope this would balance out my serotonin levels. After 3 days increased to 100mg 5htp. 11/7/21 Stopped 5htp with the intention of reinstating citalopram at 1mg. 16/7/21 Reinstated cit at 1mg. 2/8/21 Increased dose to 2mg. 28/11/21 10% reduction to 1.8mg.

8/12/21 2mg 6/1/22 1.8mg 10/2/22 1.6mg 13/5/22 1.5mg 4/6/22 1.55mg 4/7/22 1.4mg 4/8/22 1.25mg 1/11/22 1.1mg 3/3/23 1mg 18/4/23 0.9mg 2/6/23 0.8mg 4/10/23 0.7mg 11/11/23 jumped off @0.7mg started on 5htp 200mg -400mg, L-Theanine, and L-tyrosine 200mg. 25/11/23 came off 5-htp, l-tyrosine and l-Theanine. 24/12/23 went on 7.5mg mirtazapine. 27/12/23 stopped mirtazapine & reinstated citalopram @.35mg. 1/1/24 increased to 0.5mg. PTSD diagnosis October 2023. 11/11/23 started EMDR therapy for PTSD. Multiple unsuccessful attempts to taper off citalopram. Vegan, otherwise healthy lifestyle. Other medications; tapering off combined HRT. Other supplements; magnesium glycinate, vegan omega3. Completely OFF caffeine (since July 21). Finding it difficult to completely give up alcohol but haven’t had any since 25/12/23. Main symptoms; crushing depression, anhedonia/emotional anesthesia, irritability, rage, anxiety/fear, intrusive thoughts, cognitive fog, inability to focus, restlessness and some insomnia

 

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  • 7 months later...
On 8/29/2022 at 7:49 AM, Kat66 said:

That's what upsets me about the way I am right now - I used to volunteer for the Samaritans, listening to people's despair and empathising. I'm now so full of hate for people and I hate that. It doesn't feel like 'me' if you will. 

 

I was the same regarding not knowing how severe WD could be. I thought it would be three weeks of feeling 'off' then I'd be ok. A year later here I am in hell!

I am struggling with the same thoughts and feelings. It's very difficult because I used to be that guy that people came to for help and I was always willing to go running to those in distress. Now I am full of anger and frustration and I really don't like it even though some of it has been earned by the medical system and society. I do find that I have some better days but things keep happening that throw me back into the cycle of anger and bitterness and most of all, mistrust. I'm very easily triggered back into that state right now. However, I know this is not me, it is me in severe distress and suffering from severe disillusionment. I know from many past experiences in life that this too will eventually pass and I will balance out. It's perspective that having had several decades on this planet to look back on that gets me through the worst days. Things do balance out and even when I am deep into the anger I still run into people who are alright and it always seems to happen right when I need it most. Hang in there. 😉✌️😺😺

Current Psychiatric Medications

  1. Paxil 10mg daily (a.m.) 2017 - Present
  2. Carbamazepine IR  190 mg twice daily (380mg Daily) 2011 - Present (Currently Tapering)

Past Psychiatric Medications From 1994 to August 2021   Seroquel (in Recovery since August 2021 final dose 6.25mg), Depakote, Lithium, Risperidone, Xanax, Lamotrigene, Olanzapine, Lorazepam, Welbutrin, Trazodone, Oxazepam, Gabapentin, Abilify, Topiramate, Prazosin, Ambien (See Attached Spreadsheet And Seroquel Tapering And WIthdrawal Summary)

Current Non Psychiatric Medications Levothyroxine 88mcg (a.m.)-Vitamin D3 1000 IU (p.m.)-Fexofenadine 180 mg twice daily -Clonidine 0.1 mg (p.m.)-Azelastine Nasal Spray

Other - Fish Oil Twice Daily-Multi-Vitamin (a.m.)-Vitamin C 1000mg Daily (a.m.)-Saline Nasal Spray-Salsalate 750mg twice daily PRN, Diclofenac Gel on affected joint PRN-Magnesium Citrate 250mg twice daily, Betaine HCL & Digestine Enzymes With Meals

Quitting Seroquel_A Vacation In Hell_Redacted.pdf

Other Documents https://www.survivingantidepressants.org/topic/26099-feralcatman-recovering-from-seroquel/?do=findComment&comment=633907

 

 

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@FeralCatman sorry i'm a bit confused about your signature, you are still on meds right? 

SECOND TIME USING MEDICATION

> quetiapine (seroquel)

09/08/22 300 mg    10/24/22 400mg    11/02/22 500mg    01/02/23 700mg  03/09  650mg  04/20 600mg    05/12 550mg   06/11 500mg    07/15 450mg    07/29 400mg

FIRST TIME USING MEDICATION (sorry did not use mm/dd/year but dd/mm/year)

>    OLANZAPINE (ZYPREXA)

07/21 10mg      08/21 20mg       09/21 15 mg        10/21 10mg then 5mg     11/01/21 off Olanzapine

>    SERTRALINE (ZOLOFT)

08/21 100mg        09/21 supposedly 150mg as prescribed, 200mg as a mistake for a while       10/21 100mg        11/21 50mg       12/11/22 off Sertraline

>    LITHIUM
07/21 300mg (1 pill)        08/21 600mg        09/21 900mg (stabilized in blood tests)     10/21, 11/21, 12/21, 01/22 tapered off in the course of 2 weeks     02/22 off Lithium

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@BelaLugosi That is correct. I am currently in a long recovery hold after coming off the Seroquel. At some point I will also be tapering the other medications but I am waiting for symptoms to stabilize a bit more before I do that and upset the apple cart again. My body and nervous system needed a break.

Current Psychiatric Medications

  1. Paxil 10mg daily (a.m.) 2017 - Present
  2. Carbamazepine IR  190 mg twice daily (380mg Daily) 2011 - Present (Currently Tapering)

Past Psychiatric Medications From 1994 to August 2021   Seroquel (in Recovery since August 2021 final dose 6.25mg), Depakote, Lithium, Risperidone, Xanax, Lamotrigene, Olanzapine, Lorazepam, Welbutrin, Trazodone, Oxazepam, Gabapentin, Abilify, Topiramate, Prazosin, Ambien (See Attached Spreadsheet And Seroquel Tapering And WIthdrawal Summary)

Current Non Psychiatric Medications Levothyroxine 88mcg (a.m.)-Vitamin D3 1000 IU (p.m.)-Fexofenadine 180 mg twice daily -Clonidine 0.1 mg (p.m.)-Azelastine Nasal Spray

Other - Fish Oil Twice Daily-Multi-Vitamin (a.m.)-Vitamin C 1000mg Daily (a.m.)-Saline Nasal Spray-Salsalate 750mg twice daily PRN, Diclofenac Gel on affected joint PRN-Magnesium Citrate 250mg twice daily, Betaine HCL & Digestine Enzymes With Meals

Quitting Seroquel_A Vacation In Hell_Redacted.pdf

Other Documents https://www.survivingantidepressants.org/topic/26099-feralcatman-recovering-from-seroquel/?do=findComment&comment=633907

 

 

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