littlebird: tried tapering Pristiq - will try tapering Wellbutrin instead

[Altostrata]

You're taking too much Prozac. It's ridiculous to prescribe 10mg Prozac with 100mg Wellbutrin and 25mg Pristiq, plus that boatload of gabapentin.

 

Suggest you stop Prozac, get the liquid.

 

In return for the free peer support you get here, please contact your prescriber again and inform him that he gave you dumb advice. And tell the earlier prescribers, too.

 

On 1/4/2023 at 1:31 PM, littlebird said:

...

In fact, when I got back to taking Pristiq every day, I felt too activated in the afternoon after I took it. I'm wondering if every other day would be a workable solution. I have been feeling blue lately, but that's probably from seasonal affective stuff (it's been very grey here) and life stresses. Unless it's possible that being on the higher (daily as opposed to every other day) dose of Pristiq could be worsening depression? Is that possible?

....

 

Most likely, you feel extra-activated from the WELLBUTRIN you're taking.

 

No, you cannot take Pristiq every other day.

 

21 hours ago, littlebird said:

Do I love Prozac? I might! Took first dose (10mg) this morning. Which reminds me, time to update signature. Maybe it was the Prozac, maybe it was not taking Wellbutrin in the morning, but I had so much less anxiety than usual.

....

 

That is correct, it wasn't the Prozac. It was the lack of Wellbutrin. Anxiety and sleeplessness are common adverse effects of Wellbutrin.

 

What time o'clock do you take Wellbutrin? You said you take it 3:30 p.m.

 

What exactly happened when you tried to reduce Wellbutrin before?

[littlebird]

4 minutes ago, Altostrata said:

What time o'clock do you take Wellbutrin? You said you take it 3:30 p.m.

I usually take it around 10am, yesterday I slept late and started with the first dose of Prozac to try and see how it would make me feel. Usually I don’t sleep till noon, and should be back to regular timing tomorrow when I go back to work.

 

6 minutes ago, Altostrata said:

You're taking too much Prozac. It's ridiculous to prescribe 10mg Prozac with 100mg Wellbutrin and 25mg Pristiq, plus that boatload of gabapentin.

 

Suggest you stop Prozac, get the liquid.

 

In return for the free peer support you get here, please contact your prescriber again and inform him that he gave you dumb advice. And tell the earlier prescribers, too.

I got so sick last night that I was thinking about filing a formal complaint with Kaiser. I don’t have the contact info for the psychiatrist, it was a med check that was provided when I said 7 weeks was too long to wait to see someone, so he isn’t assigned to my case. He seriously stunk, so I’m glad he’s not assigned to me.

 

7 minutes ago, Altostrata said:

 

What exactly happened when you tried to reduce Wellbutrin before?

Brain zaps come to mind, but that’s likely from me going too fast (hadn’t found this resource yet). I remember once switching to IR Wellbutrin and having a big spike in suicidal thinking, but that was many years ago, at a different point in my life with less support. I do like that Wellbutrin could be tapered in the IR form, but I’m wary of the suicidal thinking happening again. Worth a shot, maybe? 

 

Good to know not to take Prozac again! I feel truly awful today. I’m so cold, yet so sweaty? Gross! Not the most clear-headed either.

[littlebird]

The online form to file a complaint isn’t working! I’ll have to reach out during business hours tomorrow.

[Altostrata]

It's very important that you take your drugs on a consistent schedule. The variation in your Wellbutrin dosing could be causing some of your problems.

 

Taking Prozac with that cocktail is stupid, though.

[littlebird]

17 hours ago, Altostrata said:

Taking Prozac with that cocktail is stupid, though.

Good to know. Ceasing Prozac, and planning on contacting Kaiser today about the issues it caused (and how badly that doctor messed me up by prescribing this).

 

First day back to work since getting attacked. I let my boss know I’m going to need screen breaks until the concussion eases, and he’s been super understanding and supportive. I’m glad he encouraged me to take Friday off, I really needed rest and sleep to recover. 

[littlebird]

I have a phone call with a doctor about the Prozac side effects for later this afternoon. Still felt gross this morning, decided to give my brain a serotonin break by just taking Gabapentin this morning. Tempted to take a day off from Wellbutrin, I’m dreading the increase in anxiety and symptoms when I take it. I’ll ask the doctor, I guess.

 

Since both Wellbutrin and Pristiq are raising anxiety, and Pristiq is hard to taper, I’m tempted to do what this thread subject line says and start with Wellbutrin. I can switch to an immediate release, and taper much more easily than Pristiq. We’ll see what doctor says. Feeling a bit better without Wellbutrin amping me up, but I know I need to take it. Ugh, damned if I do and damned if I don’t!

[littlebird]

Cool, cool cool cool. Been on hold a bunch, got through to a NP and then a GP who couldn’t help and had no advice. The system to make complaints is down. 

 

What I thought was going to be a therapy session turned out to be a brief session with a therapist who was introducing me to the self-serve therapy app with pre-recorded activities. A biofeedback device will be arriving soon, which might be interesting to play with. I’m pretty disappointed that this isn’t, you know, therapy. Feels like I’m in a pilot program for automating humans out of mental health, which normally I’d be into just out of curiosity, but currently feels like a letdown. 

 

An old friend called at just the right time, and we made plans to go for a hyper-vigilant walk around the neighborhood later this week. Trying to work, while also trying to get help, isn’t making for the best Monday for me! I’ve got deadlines looming, putting mental health on hold and getting into productivity mode.

[littlebird]

Also! The GP said I shouldn’t be having any symptoms with the low doses I’m on, and it must all be in my head. Ooh, if this complaint system wasn’t down I’d be getting fiery. 

[j1290]

I'm sorry to hear you're having this trouble, Littlebird!

 

Wellbutrin was really tricky for me to figure out, but with the help of Altostrata and others I got some good ideas drummed into my head despite my brain fog and confusion when I was unstable.  

 

They convinced me it was important to be consistent with the times I take the pills every day, and that each change of manufacturer, time release, brand, etc disrupts the CNS and needs time to settle in.  When I was unstable,  @Go2zero had been kind enough to ask me what was the last stable combination I was on, so that was in the back of my mind.   When I realized my taper didn't work, I went back to that last stable dose and reinstated.  

 

After reinstating I had to make changes in time release and brands to get myself into a position to taper with the IR.  I was more than a little impatient because even after reinstating I didn't exactly feel like tapdancing.  I didn't always give myself a month between changes, but I did give myself weeks, and I think it helped.  If nothing else it took away some of the panic I felt because I had a plan.  

 

Your writing is beautiful to read.  Few have that kind of eloquence.  I have no doubt that you'll find your path down this mountain.  

[Altostrata]

You cannot skip Wellbutrin doses and just take gabapentin when you feel like it. You'll get Wellbutrin withdrawal symptoms and who knows what else from the gabapentin. We're not going to be able to provide peer support unless you stick to a consistent dosing schedule.

[j1290]

21 minutes ago, Altostrata said:

You cannot skip Wellbutrin doses and just take gabapentin when you feel like it.

A lesson learned the hard way is not soon forgotten.   If I skipped a dose of Wellbutrin I'd have WD for days.  

[littlebird]

2 hours ago, j1290 said:

They convinced me it was important to be consistent with the times I take the pills every day

This is my big goal for the coming week, to nail down a consistent timing. I’ve been making this worse with a variable work schedule. A lot more of my work involves creativity these days than before, and I find that when inspiration strikes I need to “strike while the iron is hot,” which has led to working late at times, which affects my sleep schedule, which affects meds.

 

I need to get serious about timing for these pills, and I’m thinking a daily alarm for each one at a consistent time is the key. Also need to get back into logging! Did none of that today other than posting more frequently than usual.

 

2 hours ago, Altostrata said:

We're not going to be able to provide peer support unless you stick to a consistent dosing schedule.

I’m on it! Operation Pill Timer starts tomorrow, and Wellbutrin is going to start being on a consistent schedule in the mornings.

 

You’ve got me wondering what I’ve been doing to myself with taking something later in the day and then having overlap the next morning when I take it on time. Hmmm… how much of my Wellbutrin anxiety in the mornings is also from being taken too late the earlier day?

 

Anywho, point is, I hear you! I’m taking it seriously, and will be finding ways to keep myself on schedule.

 

2 hours ago, j1290 said:

Your writing is beautiful to read.  Few have that kind of eloquence.  I have no doubt that you'll find your path down this mountain.  

@j1290, you have no idea how well-timed this compliment was. I had to switch gears into writing some blog posts for the start-up I work for, and had been thinking that I never thought of myself as much of a writer and was having a bit of imposter syndrome (despite having done written posts for them before). This was a great boost, and I was able to relax and let the words flow. Anxiety and overthinking be gone! For a little while!

 

I wasn’t as productive as I might have liked, didn’t tick everything off the list, but I did finish the project I was working on when I got punched. It’ll feel good to mark that one off after some edits and forget about it, I can’t help but associate that piece of work with the attack. I had to take a lot of screen breaks today because of the concussion, and with all the ineffectual phone tag, only worked a half day. Better than not at all.

 

I had some seriously serendipitous timing happen today. I was white-knuckling a break on the porch, trying to get some fresh air without my hyper-vigilance taking me too far into anxiety, and feeling pretty discouraged after futilely seeking therapy and psychiatric med help all day. A neighbor I hadn’t seen since my wedding walked by, asked about the black eye, and after hearing the story reminded me that our state has a fund that helps victims of crimes get therapy… and this definitely qualifies.

 

A lead on therapy! We also had a long chat about the after-effects of violence; he’s also been attacked at home. It felt normalizing to hear that he also had trouble with PTSD, and work, afterwards.

 

It’s also got me thinking that I wouldn’t have reached out to the victim fund if he hadn’t encouraged me, and I probably wouldn’t have bothered to file a police report if it wasn’t a work laptop that was stolen and/or the people in my life hadn’t made me (neighbor brought cops to my door, honestly another big yikes on top of an already yikes night). Also, I’ve had this trash insurance company making my life actively worse for years, with more stories than this forum needs, and yet… I’m just now ready to file complaints?

 

I need to work on advocating for myself. To be fair to myself on one point, I have Big Police Trauma, so it isn’t surprising I wasn’t keen to make a report… but even taking that into account, this is a lot of “littlebird needs to advocate for self more” evidence all at once here.

 

Well, noticing a pattern is the first step, yeah? Back to making calls tomorrow and advocating it up. 😤

 

This was so much. I think in the absence of therapy, I’m treating this like therapy. Gonna work on finding other outlets, that’s not what this forum is for!

[j1290]

5 minutes ago, littlebird said:

I need to get serious about timing for these pills, and I’m thinking a daily alarm for each one at a consistent time is the key.

I hear you about the work schedule, as mine can change as well.  It took a minute to get used to the alarms and whatnot, but even I was able to do it.  After a while, it's not even a thing.   

 

11 minutes ago, littlebird said:

having a bit of imposter syndrome

Sometimes I wonder how much our meds play into various thought patterns.   One day, my friend, we both will be at the end of our AD journey and wonder no longer!   I'm sure your blog posts were fantastic!

[littlebird]

2 hours ago, j1290 said:

A lesson learned the hard way is not soon forgotten.   If I skipped a dose of Wellbutrin I'd have WD for days.  

Thank you for setting me straight, I took it! No skipped doses for me today. It does feel like giving myself the morning to get some of the Prozac out of my system was helpful, but no more messing about with dose timings. Or taking Prozac, that made for a flipping terrible weekend!

 

Wish I could return it for a refund… guess I’ll just hang onto the bottle just in case? I never know what to do with failed meds, feels like if I donate them back to the pill drop off box I’ll one day have to pay for them all over again when another doctor prescribes them, but if they’re failed I probably won’t need them again so that isn’t the most logical thinking. Also, I paid for these, I don’t want to just throw them away! It feels so wasteful.

[littlebird]

21 minutes ago, j1290 said:

I'm sure your blog posts were fantastic!

Thank you! I’m also working to be fine with Good Enough and Done. Sometimes Done is enough, and that’s all right. My inner perfectionist started screaming at that statement.

 

21 minutes ago, j1290 said:

35 minutes ago, littlebird said:

 

Sometimes I wonder how much our meds play into various thought patterns.   One day, my friend, we both will be at the end of our AD journey and wonder no longer!

Something to look forward to! I’ve been wondering the same thing. I thought I was having confusion and brain fog from trauma or fibromyalgia (or perhaps losing any intelligence I once had), but Shep taught me about how my meds were interacting. With spacing them out, I feel better. It’s been making me wonder how much of what I think of as “me” is actually a med thing?

 

On the other side lie the answers. Onwards and upwards! And downwards, and inwards, and into the yawning abyss of the unknown!

[FireflyFyte]

11 hours ago, littlebird said:

On the other side lie the answers. Onwards and upwards! And downwards, and inwards, and into the yawning abyss of the unknown!

 

You really are a fantastic writer, littlebird.

[littlebird]

5 hours ago, FireflyFyte said:

You really are a fantastic writer, littlebird.

Thank you!! I have more writing to do today for work, and my boss just sent a link to an AI text generator, which my anxiety took as, “Oh no, my writing is so subpar that he thinks a robot could do better.” 

 

I am so looking forward being on less Wellbutrin, it’s definitely upping my anxiety and fears! 🥶 Another well-timed compliment, greatly appreciate it!

[littlebird]

10:30am - Took Wellbutrin and Gabapentin with a small snack. Feels like I spent so much of yesterday trying to find help, so buckling down on work. Inspiration did hit last night, so I ended up working a bit longer than I expected yesterday. We have some sunshine today, which is nice.

 

11am - Took some time to reach out to the crime victim service and advocate for therapy through the employee benefit program. We’ll see! It’s hard to concentrate, and as the Wellbutrin kicks in I’m increasingly jumpy. Trying to work in the shared backyard, not ideal for concentration, but feels safer than the front porch and it’s nice to get some fresh air. A hummingbird just hovered so close to me! What a nice little treat.

 

11:30am - Ooh baby, this anxiety can go back to the hellfire it came from. There’s a new juvenile hummingbird coming around the kitchen feeder that’s brightening my day.

 

12:30pm - Coming up on Pristiq time. Dreading taking it. I’m an irritable little bird today, having tech issues with the old device I’m using. Concussion getting better by the day (thank god), but trauma still cooking. Currently sitting in the chair I was punched off, exactly where I was. Even in the daytime, where no one can sneak up in the shadows, I can’t stop looking at where he came at me. Hope that fades soon. A few neighbors have said, “I thought it wasn’t safe for you to have a laptop on the front porch,” which… ok, not super helpful at this point. Talk about closing the barn door after the horse is already gone. 

 

I’m trying not to kick myself or victim-blame, and am instead thinking about how that last statement was very “tell me you’re from the Midwest without telling me you’re from the Midwest.” I also like the classic, “Not my barn, not my pigs,” especially about parenting styles in my current area. I need to get back to work, but part of me also needs to reclaim this porch with a cigarette and stream my consciousness into my phone instead of letting it ruminate. Do I need to start journaling?? This forum is making me see why people do that. God, I’m jumpy and hyper-vigilant. Got eyes on everything. Back to work and Pristiq.

 

1pm - Hellfire anxiety. I’m so sick of feeling worse after taking Wellbutrin and Pristiq. I keep thinking of that dumb doctor’s suggestion to cold turkey from 25mg of Pristiq to 0, and the muppet of a GP who told me my doses were too low for me to be feeling them. 

 

He’s young, and has a lot to learn about listening to patients. The AI my boss sent had some good ideas to spice up the headlines. Thanks, AI!

 

Asked AI for tips about tapering off antidepressants safely, and it was way more helpful than any medical professional I’ve ever spoken to. Are we in for AI doctors to triage with humans to double check and approve behind the scenes? I’m thinking yes:

 

AI Advice: “When tapering off antidepressants, it is important to do so gradually and under the guidance of a medical professional. Sudden discontinuation of antidepressants can lead to withdrawal symptoms and a relapse of the original condition. A gradual taper, over a period of several weeks or months, can help minimize these effects. It is also important to monitor for signs of relapse during the tapering process and to make adjustments as needed. Additionally, it is important to have a support system in place, such as therapy or support groups, to help manage any symptoms that may occur during the tapering process”

 

Psychiatrist Advice: “Go cold turkey?”

 

GP Advice: gaslighting

 

Maybe the mods could take some workload off their shoulders with bot responses with appropriate links. Wonder if anyone on here could build a mod-bot? Autoresponders to med names, symptoms, and a suicidal help link-tree auto-posting when any post mentions anything about self-harm. 

 

Anywho, as much as I’m white-knuckling with med-enhanced anxiety and post traumatic stress, I’m glad to have some sun and being able to get a little done in the teensy shared backyard. Blessedly free of neighbors thus far! Probably because it’s freezing. 🥶

 

1:30pm - Progress! Heard back from employee benefit program, and due to the nature of the request (recent crime), I’m getting in with an actual human therapist for some short term help starting tomorrow. Woo-hoo! It’s not just going to be an app getting me through!

[Altostrata]

It sounds like you find both the Wellbutrin and Pristiq activating in an unpleasant way. You will need to keep your dosing schedule consistent to establish a baseline symptom pattern before tapering, probably the Wellbutrin to start.

[littlebird]

7 minutes ago, Altostrata said:

It sounds like you find both the Wellbutrin and Pristiq activating in an unpleasant way. You will need to keep your dosing schedule consistent to establish a baseline symptom pattern before tapering, probably the Wellbutrin to start.

Sticking to my schedule! Each dose is really not fun, but avoiding them and putting them off is not it. Strict schedule!

 

Every doctor I’ve talked to over the years about how these drugs make me feel wants to introduce something new to “balance that out.” No thank you! This last psychiatrist was the first to help me taper, although he did it by adding a new drug, soooo same as all the rest.

 

Damn that Prozac jacked me up! I’m feeling better on my second day without it, but my system is still a bit iffy.

[littlebird]

1 minute ago, littlebird said:

Every doctor I’ve talked to over the years about how these drugs make me feel wants to introduce something new to “balance that out.”

This actually drives me up a wall. It’s crazy-making to tell doctor after doctor that I feel over-medicated, and their solution is more cowbell medication. At least this last one piled a new pill on in an attempt to get rid of another? Progress!

[j1290]

1 hour ago, littlebird said:

and the muppet of a GP who told me my doses were too low for me to be feeling them. 

I wonder how many times we've heard this around here 🙄  As long as they give me what I want without too much hassle, then I consider it a good working relationship.   

 

4 minutes ago, littlebird said:

Every doctor I’ve talked to over the years about how these drugs make me feel wants to introduce something new to “balance that out.” No thank you!

haha I think the Effexor made me super tired so I got maxed out on the Wellbutrin to even it out.  I had no clue what I was doing.  I never realized their agenda and my own were not the same, and wouldn't have believed it if you told me LOL 

 

I'm proud of you for the self advocacy.  You did a lot today!! 

[littlebird]

2 hours ago, j1290 said:

I'm proud of you for the self advocacy.  You did a lot today!! 

Thank you! I’m feeling it, even after a partial day (had to take some rests). I was too tired to go on the normal nightly dog walk, my body was just begging to lie down and not be out and about where the nervous system is taxed. I weighed the options of sitting this one out vs. going, and decided to listen to my body. Resting up! I feel like I could sleep for a week.

[littlebird]

Ended up working late last night, and sleeping in a bit, so morning dose was 30 minutes late. While that’s not the strict schedule I’d hoped for, it’s also not that far off. Tomorrow I’ll aim for 10:30 on the nose.

 

11am - Took Gabapentin/Wellbutrin, then hopped into first therapy appt with employee benefit program. I loved my therapist! Wish I could work with him long-term, but we just have 9 more sessions. Better than none! Loved how he asked questions, making me realize the past few I talked to felt like they were delivering therapy-lessons to me, rather than talking with me.

 

12:30pm - I’m pretty sure the I saw the guy who mugged me. Build was the same, creepy smile when I turned my head and he saw the black eye, gut going nuts with “that’s him, that’s him” intuition as he sauntered by. Told a neighbor who acts as unofficial neighborhood watch, who knew exactly who I was talking about and what he was wearing. Said he’d been watching this guy case houses up and down the block for days. There have been a LOT of violent muggings around here, every night. Sometimes one person like the guy who got me (thought I suppose he could have run down the block to a getaway car), sometimes a group of people. Head is on a swivel when I walk to the corner store or take the dog out.

 

1pm - I’d expected to hop off my therapy call and hop into work, and I needed some time to process afterwards. Also, I was shaking like a leaf. A lot of the session was about the childhood trauma this attack brought out, so it makes sense that I was feeling a lot of feels. Wonder how many of us on here got medicated for cPTSD, when really we could have used a safer home and some therapy? Now I want to do some polls out of curiosity, see what through-lines there are with our stories.

 

It’s now 2 hours after Wellbutrin/Gabapentin, so it’s Pristiq time. I’m dreading that little pill. I’m already so damn anxious I could jump out of my skin, and I’m about to swallow something that makes it worse. I’ve been playing phone tag trying to talk to a damn psychiatrist, and can’t even make a complaint about all this because that’s down. I want to go throw a brick through a Kaiser window, with a written complaint tied to it.

 

I need to get to *&%$ing work, and all I want to do is hide under a blanket (maybe take my Switch with me and catch some Pokémon). And eat ice cream. And cry. I have eaten all our ice cream already, and really need to make money, but I’ll give myself the luxury of that last one and have a little cry as I take my Pristiq and log in to work. Seems like my inner child(ren) are having some Big Feelings. I’m sorry, little ones, we’re poor and need to work now. 😭

[j1290]

16 minutes ago, littlebird said:

I’d expected to hop off my therapy call and hop into work, and I needed some time to process afterwards. Also, I was shaking like a leaf. A lot of the session was about the childhood trauma this attack brought out, so it makes sense that I was feeling a lot of feels. Wonder how many of us on here got medicated for cPTSD, when really we could have used a safer home and some therapy?

I could have typed this about myself.  I've talked to @Thorin about this previously.  My CBT therapy just left me a shaking, emotional wreck after discussing trauma with no relief, so after many therapists I swore I'd never bother again.  I found my way to doing EMDR and it's helped with the trauma that CBT didn't even touch.   Well worth it.  

[littlebird]

28 minutes ago, j1290 said:

I found my way to doing EMDR and it's helped with the trauma that CBT didn't even touch.   Well worth it.

Have you found it activates childhood trauma? Years ago, I did EMDR focused on a trauma that happened as an adult, and it woke up SO many childhood trauma connections that had been reactivated/retraumatized. I had to take time off work with that one.

 

It helped more than anything else, especially with flashbacks, but I lost many hours to disassociation after each EMDR session. It would feel like I’d been walking for about 20 minutes to calm down before I drove, but then I’d look at the clock and the mile counter on my phone and I was logging some serious spaced out miles. As I’ve mentioned, this isn’t the safest area, so I started going to IKEA after each session so I could walk for miles and safely disassociate. 🤪

 

Me taking time off now isn’t possible, and with the hats I wear at my start-up, they can’t afford it either, so EMDR is on the back burner for now. Start-up life has so many upsides (setting my own hours, almost zero emotional labor, novelty and excitement as we build the plane as we fly it), but until we get it to the next level, there’s no time off for littlebird unless it’s an absolute emergency. 

 

I am going to be calling it on trying to work for the next few hours and take dog on a hike. Gotta get out of here!

[j1290]

4 minutes ago, littlebird said:

Have you found it activates childhood trauma? Years ago, I did EMDR focused on a trauma that happened as an adult, and it woke up SO many childhood trauma connections that had been reactivated/retraumatized.

That makes sense, I could totally imagine that happening to me.  I don't know if I did it right or anything, but I waded into this thing pretty slowly at first, going into childhood trauma very gingerly.   When we talk about current triggers(usually work related), it inevitably leads me directly to childhood stuff, the source is always the same.  

 

It was super challenging but got easier.  I still find it difficult and irritating to talk about difficult subjects, but I very rarely even well up with tears anymore, much less cry.  Something is working, of that I'm sure.  I think I'd be doing even better if I were off the pills.  

[littlebird]

A hike was a good idea! Needed a change in scenery and some miles under my feet. On the way home, treated myself to an easy meal I just have to throw in the oven and possibly way too many comfort foods and snacks. If Anorexia (disrespectfully called Annie) is going to fight dirty, I’m going to fight back with tempting snacks and easy to eat foods. Ha, take that, Annie! Spent some time thinking about breakfast foods that are easy, that has been a barrier to taking meds on time some mornings, so trying to make it easy.

[littlebird]

Oof, I was only able to work about 2 hours today. My company is cool with it, and very understanding of what I’ve recently gone through, but I’m not so cool with it. I want to be back to normal, pronto. It’s almost been a whole week! <—- I know, I know

 

Part of me wants to try and push through after dinner and get things done, but most of me wants to call it a flipping day and try again tomorrow. The guy who hit me keeps walking back and forth, at least I’m pretty sure it’s him by his build, the feeling in my gut, and how he looks at me when I’m on the porch. It’s a weird stand-off.

 

He was masked, and I can’t be 100% that the weirdo hanging around my block acting off is actually the guy. My gut keeps yelling at me, “That’s him,” but I can’t be sure, you know? A lot of people walk by this city block. 

 

I can’t get a psychiatrist to call me back. The complaint system is still down. Thank god I had a good therapy appointment today! Feeling so hopeful about the next session (2 weeks from now). Really good guy. A huge, huge win!!!

 

Having easy dinner and many comfort foods. Annie Anorexia, you got nothing on me. 

[littlebird]

5 hours ago, j1290 said:

It was super challenging but got easier.  I still find it difficult and irritating to talk about difficult subjects, but I very rarely even well up with tears anymore, much less cry.  Something is working, of that I'm sure.  I think I'd be doing even better if I were off the pills.  

Right? The more I taper, the more I feel and process and understand about myself. It’s like the meds have kept these issues frozen and me numbed out all these years, and there’s a big spring thaw happening.

 

It’s both great and greatly sucks! Trauma hurts going in, and it hurts coming out, and no matter what modality I try, I can’t escape that.

[Thorin]

10 hours ago, j1290 said:

I could have typed this about myself.  I've talked to @Thorin about this previously.  My CBT therapy just left me a shaking, emotional wreck after discussing trauma with no relief, so after many therapists I swore I'd never bother again.  I found my way to doing EMDR and it's helped with the trauma that CBT didn't even touch.   Well worth it.  

@littlebirdi hear you about being shaken up by therapy! Doing very deep trauma work myself and it can be excruciating. Sometimes I take the day off work so I can just………. Be, after a session. Same as @j1290i’ve found EMDR the most effective but I do Internal Family Systems (IFS) as well. I’m not as far down the therapy road as @j1290 though so probably have a lot more EMDR ahead of me.

 

3 hours ago, littlebird said:

Right? The more I taper, the more I feel and process and understand about myself. It’s like the meds have kept these issues frozen and me numbed out all these years, and there’s a big spring thaw happening.

 

It’s both great and greatly sucks! Trauma hurts going in, and it hurts coming out, and no matter what modality I try, I can’t escape that.

Exactly this. I feel like layers of medication are being stripped away revealing all the stuff I never dealt with. A big spring thaw is a great description. Someone else referred to it as ‘the great unravelling’ which I like. I admit I’m finding my great unravelling challenging (who wouldn’t?) but my gut really tells me I’m heading in the right direction. I have no idea where the right direction will take me but hopefully somewhere with lots of calm and happiness!

[littlebird]

QUESTION: If I wake up close to the time I’m supposed to take Wellbutrin, which is the lesser of two evils: to take it late but with food, or just cram it in my body on time with a bite of food, but no food in my stomach?

 

I know both are bad, but I needed to get some more hours in late last night and got to bed late and woke up right at Wellbutrin time. I took it (on time) with a bite of food, making more, since the schedule’s importance has been illuminated… but then I wondered if that was ok.

[littlebird]

12 hours ago, Thorin said:

I do Internal Family Systems (IFS) as well. I’m not as far down the therapy road as @j1290 though so probably have a lot more EMDR ahead of me.

I’ve worked with some people who draw from IFS, and enjoyed learning more about it. I definitely found the “parts” piece resonating, all those different ages of me that are in here. Have you been finding it helpful?

 

12 hours ago, Thorin said:

I admit I’m finding my great unravelling challenging (who wouldn’t?) but my gut really tells me I’m heading in the right direction. I have no idea where the right direction will take me but hopefully somewhere with lots of calm and happiness!

This really feels right to me, you know? Gotta trust that gut, it’s evolved over many years and tends to be right on the money! Unraveling definitely fits. It also reminds me of having a closet full of compartmentalized feelings and memories, and tapering is knocking everything over and the boxes are spilling out all over the floor. Which reminds me, I need to organize my closet.

 

12 hours ago, Thorin said:

Sometimes I take the day off work so I can just………. Be, after a session.

I think I’m going to do this. Luckily, my boss is very understanding and has wrestled with trauma so gets it more than most. Next session isn’t for 2 weeks, so that’s plenty of time to schedule in big recovery time for the rest of the day. I’m feeling lucky to be supported this way!

[j1290]

2 hours ago, littlebird said:

QUESTION: If I wake up close to the time I’m supposed to take Wellbutrin,

I set an alarm to wake up just to take the pills then go back to bed.   I don't know how I adjusted to it but somehow I have LOL  

 

2 hours ago, littlebird said:

to take it late but with food, or just cram it in my body on time with a bite of food, but no food in my stomach?

After reading on this website that some pills work better if you take them with food, I did a little reasearch.  As best I can tell it doesn't matter for efficacy, but maybe for your stomach?  Here's another  source that says it doesn't matter for absorption.   I've never tried to take them with food, but then I've never noticed any difference.  I've always been very carefree about reading the directions, which I definitely don't recommend lol

[littlebird]

6 hours ago, j1290 said:

I set an alarm to wake up just to take the pills then go back to bed.   I don't know how I adjusted to it but somehow I have LOL  

That’s impressive!! I don’t think I can get on your level like that, but I salute you!

 

10:30 - Woke up late and took meds on mostly empty stomach to keep to schedule. I’m thinking this isn’t great, anxiety is extra super duper high. Starting the day off with therapy yesterday was rough, not having to talk about childhood trauma is really helpful for focus and today is much easier to tackle.

 

12pm - For whatever reason(s), I’m extra anxious and jumpy today. 

 

12:30pm - I am so anxious that I’m physically dreading the Pristiq. I was supposed to take it 30 minutes ago, and it’s like swallowing a poison. I know it’s going to get even jumpier around here! Being more productive today, which feels good. Getting things done! Neighbors are all home today, so the backyard is hopping, but one made me a nice cup of tea and we had a chat which was a nice break from work. 

 

1pm - I know it’s past Pristiq time, but my hands won’t stop shaking and it’s the last thing I want to put in my body. The dread I feel upon taking each day is growing! Maybe when I’m able to get off the Wellbutrin it won’t be so bad? Still trying to get a psychiatrist to call me back.

 

3pm - Anxiety locked and loaded! White knuckling today, but it feels good to be getting things done. Having feelings about startup life, wondering if anyone else is in that world. Is there a startup support group? Should be!

 

4pm - Feeling like anxious trash from Pristiq and Wellbutrin! Productivity taking a nosedive. Could a psychiatrist please get in touch? Damn, I’m going to have so many formal complaints when that system is back online.

 

7pm - Anxiety is really affecting my life! Not doing so hot, and still haven’t heard back from a psychiatrist. I’ll try to get ahold of someone tomorrow all over again.

[Thorin]

On 1/20/2023 at 7:36 AM, littlebird said:

I definitely found the “parts” piece resonating, all those different ages of me that are in here. Have you been finding it helpful?

When my therapist first talked about it I thought it sounded ridiculous. But I’m willing to try most things before making up my mind. I’ve found it VERY helpful. Particularly if I’m struggling badly with something, then I ask that part what it needs, and direct love towards it instead of trying to suppress it or get away from it. It genuinely makes me feel better. Crazy!

On 1/20/2023 at 7:36 AM, littlebird said:

This really feels right to me, you know? Gotta trust that gut, it’s evolved over many years and tends to be right on the money! Unraveling definitely fits. It also reminds me of having a closet full of compartmentalized feelings and memories, and tapering is knocking everything over and the boxes are spilling out all over the floor. Which reminds me, I need to organize my closet.

I was so detached from my body I wouldn’t have a clue what my gut was saying in the past. So different now. Your analogy is perfect. I’m not going in my closet. It’s a mess 😂

On 1/20/2023 at 7:36 AM, littlebird said:

think I’m going to do this. Luckily, my boss is very understanding and has wrestled with trauma so gets it more than most. Next session isn’t for 2 weeks, so that’s plenty of time to schedule in big recovery time for the rest of the day. I’m feeling lucky to be supported this way!

Honestly, having self compassion and engaging in self care is pretty new to me but makes a huge difference. I used to push through at work after therapy (and still do at times) but when I take the afternoon off and engage in self care I rebound from a session much faster.