ls8719: Life after Sertraline

[ls8719]

Hi folks, 

 

I’ve been reading the site for the last six months through my Sertraline withdrawal and the information has been so helpful. I honestly thought I was losing my mind until I found this community and realised what I was experiencing was in fact withdrawal, not relapse.

 

It has been a difficult six months. From the end of June to about September were probably the worst. I didn’t experience any intense physical symptoms aside from insomnia and panic attacks but the psychological symptoms have been torture. 

 

Thankfully the insomnia, morning cortisol spikes, panic attacks and OCD like symptoms I was experiencing have subsided somewhat, I used the DARE response, exercise, cut out caffeine and started a magnesium supplement. I’ve also been attending counselling. These things seemed to help re-stabilise my nervous system to an extent.

 

They can still creep in but I seem to have been able to get a handle on them. Although it takes conscious effort to keep them at bay and stop the thought spirals.

 

What hasn’t subsided are the intense emotions which I’ve seen described here as neuro-emotions. These have been debilitating to the point I’ve had to be off work for the last month. I’m ridiculously emotional, totally overwhelmed and I just don’t feel able to handle every day life any more. It’s like all my confidence has gone and any remotely stressful task is just too much. At points it has come to suicidal ideation. 

 

To be honest after getting through the horrendous anxiety/OCD type symptoms I thought this really might have been a relapse as some aspects seem like my previous depression/anxiety which led me to start antidepressants in the first place.

 

Due to the extent of the emotional symptoms and the impact they’re having on my life I felt I had to try something so I can function properly. After reading the reinstatement guidance here I have begun a tiny reinstatement of 0.5mg Sertraline. This has only been for the last few days. I know this was a risk after 6 months but I have restarted in the past (albeit at a 50mg dose recommended by a GP) with success and I’m desperate to be honest. I need to be functional, be able to work and support my family.

 

I’m not noticing any negative side effects so far, the first day there was a marked increase in motivation and energy actually. I do feel like my emotions have been more ‘steady’ since reinstating which I wasn’t expecting to be honest.

 

My plan at the moment is to see how this reinstatement goes by sticking at 0.5 for quite some time. 

 

Any words of support or similar experiences would be greatly appreciated. Thanks 😊 

[Onmyway]

Hi @ls8719

welcome to SA. I am really sorry that you have been going through this and the emotions seem unmanageable. It does not mean that you are relapsing - it seems to me, combined with everything else, that you are suffering withdrawal. The 0.5mg reinstatement sounds good. It is a low enough dose that if something goes wrong you can stop quickly and it may not cause an ADR. And it is great that you are seeing some improvement. Please keep us updated on how it is going. 

 

Have you been using the various tips for managing emotional symptoms? I particularly like Clare Weekes' method which many here find quite helpful. You may also look into CBT and other ways to manage strong emotions. 

 

You will get through this and I am glad you have found us so we can help you along the way
OMW

[ls8719]

Hi Onmyway, thank you so much for the reply. It’s reassuring that you think I’m experiencing withdrawal. I wouldn’t have believed it until I read the accounts here, the similarities to my own experiences are so striking. 

I’m working on non-drug ways to handle the emotions but at times they are just so much more intense than anything I’ve ever experienced. I’ve found the DARE response really helpful, it must be based on Clare Weekes work as it’s very similar. That helped to get me through the initial terrible anxiety. I think I’m finding it hard to apply the techniques to all neuro-emotions - the depressive ones in particular are very challenging but I’m trying to see them as evidence of my brain readjusting. 
 

The reinstatement of 0.5ml has been fine for the most part. I’ve experienced a little heightened anxiety but no where near the initial withdrawal anxiety of a few months ago. As far as I can see I’ve not had an adverse reaction to the reinstatement. I’m not sure if I should be feeling more of an improvement in my emotions with the reinstatement - it’s only been a week mind you. I’m unsure whether to increase more at this stage or just stick at the 0.5ml for a while longer. 
 

 

[Onmyway]

Hi @ls8719

I would give the updose a couple of more weeks to see if it helps and to see if the slightly heightened anxiety is something that is worth the other improvement.

 

I'm not familiar with the DARE system but glad that it's working for you. Different things work for different people and we all need to find our way.

 

It's really a shame how many people do get diagnosed with a relapse when they actually have withdrawal. ADs are not better than placebo to begin with so to claim that if you stop them 'your depression' comes back is almost funny but causes very serious harm (look up Irving Kirsch and the placebo effect).

 

Please keep us posted and use anything that you can. Have you seen the thread - "What is happening in your brain"? It's a good read if you haven't.

 

OMW 

[ls8719]

That makes sense about holding for a while. The intensity of the emotions certainly haven't been as noticeable since I reinstated.

 

I've read the section on what's happening in your brain - it was very helpful. I think trying to remind myself of it when the emotions take over is the tricky bit! I feel like I almost have a secondary reaction to the emotion where they scare me, frustrate me etc and then that just makes the situation feel so much worse. I’m thinking acceptance is a big part of managing this. 
 

I’ve read a bit about the placebo effect, it’s really made me question things. I very much felt that things didn’t bother me in the same way when I was on the AD,  I often wish I could go back to that feeling of confidence and reassurance. Is it the case that these pills could have been doing literally nothing to alter my mood and it was in fact just me?

I do wonder if that’s true then that feeling could be available to me now, I could feel like that again but without the AD? That is a very liberating thought. If it wasn’t the AD and it was actually just me the whole time, then my own brain has the power to change this. Wow. 
 

It is interesting because I was off Sertraline during my pregnancy, so for a year I felt well without them until after my daughter’s birth I started to struggle again and I restarted them. It makes me wonder how that could be if I had a chemical imbalance like I’ve always thought? 

[CeruleanSea]

Hi @ls8719!

 

i can relate to so much of this.  I have pretty bad anxiety & have had other ssri prescriptions. I was med-free from 2011-2016.  Exercise and caffeine reduction were there. Magnesium. Nonetheless sometimes I still had a lot of anxiety.

 

in terms of yourself, and reinstating, how is it going?   I do think jumping off at 12.5 is a lot to go through, as sertraline is powerful with a lot of effects even at that dose. I’m impressed that you made it 6 months!

 

Also do the holidays or weathers play a role in your anxiety right now??

 

 

[Thorin]

Hi, I’ve experienced the neuro emotions and have found them extremely overwhelming at times. They’ve settled down a bit now but my emotions are definitely still being effected by the meds (I’m holding at my current dose). I think the thing that helped the most with the neuro emotions for me personally was having a really good therapist and treating the emotions as though they are real, but not acting on them apart from doing things to release them. Over time they settled a lot. Trying to hold them in just made it worse. At it’s worse the emotions were so strong that I could barely function and they would cause significant physical pain at times. A good therapist helped a lot. Even if it was just to help me process and release the feeling a little. Also, definitely a withdrawal symptom. Not your ‘underlying issues’ coming back. A good way to check whether something is a WD symptom or an underlying issue is to think back to before you started meds and check whether you experienced that symptom to the same degree you are now. Not a fool proof method but it helps. I experienced very strong emotions due to environmental circumstances when I was younger but not to the degree I experienced the neuro emotions. Good luck with it all and I hope the reinstatement gives you some peace and stability.

[ls8719]

Hi @CeruleanSea  

Thank you for your message. It's so good to know that other people are experiencing similar things to me with this drug. 
 

The reinstatement has gone remarkably well actually. I'd read on here that after 6 months it was a bit chancey to restart them but the 0.5 seems to have had a decent impact on the neuro emotions. I can only describe it as an ‘levelling out’ of my emotions. I'm not feeling the intensity of distress I was before and I'm not having the terrible crying spells.

For me anxiety has always been the biggest factor and it was why I started sertraline in the first place. At the moment it is definitely still there. Not to the same extent that it was when I jumped off at 12.5, that was horrific, but I'm still finding I'm not as resilient as I was when on say 50mg of sertraline. I feels like my personality or disposition really changed when I stopped the drug. I'm very nervous and unsure now in daily life when I felt generally very competent and confident whilst on a larger dose of sertraline. I'm not sure whether to increase to 1mg and see if that helps the anxiety or stick at 0.5 for a  while  longer. It’s been 2 weeks now so I’ll probably give it a bit longer at the 0.5. 

 

I definitely think the winter months and light levels make my anxiety and mood worse but for me anxiety has always been quite generalised. Ive never had a formal diagnosis but it was thought I had GAD. My work, which is quite a sociable and performance based job, has always been a massive factor for me which I've never quite got to grips with. I've also got a background which involves trauma so theres always been a lot of self doubt, not good enough and self-esteem issues hanging about in there which are definitely much worse since stopping Sertraline in the summer. 

 

[ls8719]

Hi @Thorin

 

Thank you for your message. I’ve also found a good therapist has really helped. I’ve had a therapist for a long time who I trust and will go to whenever things become difficult. They are quite pro-antidepressants mind you but I can understand why when so many people are on them.
 

I very much identify with what you said about treating the Neuroemotions as if they’re real. To me they’ve always felt 100% real and if I try to shut them out or ignore them I’ve become incredibly distressed to the point where I thought I wasn’t in control of my actions. Talking about them helped to release some of the worst ‘shame thought loops’ which were torturing me for months. I feel as though I'm finally moving past that horrible symptom now though. They are getting better with time and persistent use of things like cognitive diffusion. I’m finding some relief with reinstating, thank you so much for your kind words  

[CeruleanSea]

@ls8719 I'm glad things are better for now!   

 

Although there is so much research indicating that ssri is placebo, I don't believe it has simply a placebo effect for anxiety.  I believe the placebo is related more to depression.      

 

For me, although I definitely have the GAD and such, I am choosing to taper off simply because the low motivation, flat mood, and sexual side effects make life less worthwhile.   Also truly due to being uncertain about the long term effects.  Hoping that I can find other ways to successfully manage this disorder without the ssri.  

[ls8719]

@CeruleanSea My reasons for coming off were identical to yours. Once the anxiety and depression lifted I really hated those side effects.
 

The placebo thing confuses me actually and I probably need someone with a greater understanding than myself to explain! SSRIs obviously change something about your brain chemistry so is that what treats the depression or anxiety? They seem to have the effect of flattening the anxiety or depression as well as good emotions? I’m not sure I understand how they’re a placebo in that case if they actually do something to change your mood. I see from the studies that they work just as well as a placebo but that doesn’t necessarily mean they are a placebo does it? I’m really not sure! 

[CeruleanSea]

Hey @ls8719

Yes, the placebo thing.

 

The placebo effect is a phenomenon in which a treatment with no therapeutic effect improves a patient's symptoms. This improvement is not due to the treatment itself. Instead, the patient's belief in the treatment's ability to help them helps.

 

Suppose a patient with a headache takes a sugar pill that they believe is a painkiller. The patient may experience a reduction in their headache symptoms. This is because the patient expects the medication to work. Their belief in the treatment causes their brain to release chemicals that reduce their pain.

 

So some research is indicating, for patients with depression, their depression improves on placebo because they expected it to improve.  This is a fascinating phenomenon!

 

For me, a person who has taken ssri's a long time and who primarily has anxiety (not depression), I don't experience this as a placebo at all.   Talk therapy has not helped much either.  Instead, lot of my symptoms seem to be related to inflammation caused by having Hashimoto's Thyroiditis, so a gluten free (and occasionally grain-free) diet that alleviates autoimmunity helps a lot.

 

At the same time,  I do believe that parts of my brain that could have controlled my mood have become weaker over time as a result of ssri use, so I will have the anxiety symptoms maybe even more than before when I taper off.   I will either have to wait for my brain to heal naturally and strengthen naturally over time, or find another way to deal with the symptoms.   

  

[Happy2Heal]

if you're up for some reading, there is  a lot of good info on this site

 

https://www.theinnercompass.org/learn-unlearn

 

you might want to read this page to start with:
https://www.theinnercompass.org/learn-unlearn/intervention/antidepressants

 

you will find answers to many of the questions you are asking

 

 

[Onmyway]

On 12/12/2022 at 7:37 AM, ls8719 said:

That makes sense about holding for a while. The intensity of the emotions certainly haven't been as noticeable since I reinstated.

Hi LS, 

This is good to know. Things will get better as you hold longer. Make sure you take good care of your nervous system - no other psychoactive substances like alcohol, pot etc. even some vitamins and drugs like antibiotics can sometimes be stressful to a NS in withdrawal. 

On 12/12/2022 at 7:37 AM, ls8719 said:

 

I've read the section on what's happening in your brain - it was very helpful. I think trying to remind myself of it when the emotions take over is the tricky bit! I feel like I almost have a secondary reaction to the emotion where they scare me, frustrate me etc and then that just makes the situation feel so much worse. I’m thinking acceptance is a big part of managing this. 
 

I’ve read a bit about the placebo effect, it’s really made me question things. I very much felt that things didn’t bother me in the same way when I was on the AD,  I often wish I could go back to that feeling of confidence and reassurance. Is it the case that these pills could have been doing literally nothing to alter my mood and it was in fact just me?

Mental health issues create a sense of hopelessness and secondary emotions - when you take ADs you get hopeful and it can help you start doing positive things for yourself. But you can create that confidence and reassurance through other means - therapy, social support, mentorship. 

On 12/12/2022 at 7:37 AM, ls8719 said:

I do wonder if that’s true then that feeling could be available to me now, I could feel like that again but without the AD? That is a very liberating thought. If it wasn’t the AD and it was actually just me the whole time, then my own brain has the power to change this. Wow. 
 

It is interesting because I was off Sertraline during my pregnancy, so for a year I felt well without them until after my daughter’s birth I started to struggle again and I restarted them. It makes me wonder how that could be if I had a chemical imbalance like I’ve always thought? 

This power to change is available to you now, of course - you may need help to access it - therapy, spiritual experiences etc., changing thought patterns - I have found CBT and IFS therapy tremendously helpful. Have you tried Claire Weekes methods? Look her up. 

A great book on the brain's plasticity (potential to change) is "The Brain That Changes Itself" by Norman Doidge. 

 

There is no such thing as a chemical imbalance - this has been known by psychiatrists for a long time. In fact ADs that decrease serotonin work just as well as those that increase serotonin in 'treating' depression. And there is no way to measure levels of serotonin in the brain (that is why we don't have blood/MRI etc tests for depression. The depression screening tests were creating by the pharma companies to find more people to prescribe drugs to (look up PHQ9 questionaire)

https://www.ucl.ac.uk/news/2022/jul/analysis-depression-probably-not-caused-chemical-imbalance-brain-new-study

https://www.newsweek.com/2022/09/30/antidepressants-work-better-sugar-pills-only-15-percent-time-1744656.html

 

So, you never had a chemical imbalance. The drugs created an imbalance by increasing the levels of serotonin at the synapses and your body adapted to it, so now it has to adapt back which is causing your withdrawal symptoms. 

 

It is possible that you felt depressed after your baby was born because your hormones were all whacky and babies require a lot of care and sleepless nights that can knock anyone down. It is overwhelming. Also even positive events like marriage and having a baby can be very stressful to our system. Instead of drugs you should have received support to help you navigate this new addition to your life. 

 

The good thing is that you are on your road to recovery and healing and you are realizing that you have access to a lot of resources including within you!

 

Happy holidays and may the new year be full of healing!

OMW

 

[ls8719]

@Happy2Healthat website was excellent. It really helped me understand the whole placebo situation. Thank you! 

[ls8719]

Thank you @Onmyway what you said about the hopefulness makes sense with what I now I understand about the placebo effect of ADs. It’s so interesting to know that most of what I would’ve been feeling on them was that hopefulness you described, probably combined with a bit of emotional numbing. The website Happy mentioned explained it very well - how some people like the emotional numbing side effect. I think for me that’ll be something I’ll need to work on and find different strategies for as I did find life generally easier when I didn’t feel everything so intensely. 
 

I do feel more positive since the reinstatement and the neuro-emotions aren’t as intense which will hopefully continue and improve with time. 
 

I’m going to get a copy of the book you suggested and look into IFS therapy too as I’ve not heard of that before. 
 

I hope you have a lovely time over the holidays too.
 

Thanks again to all of you that have commented on my thread, it’s been so helpful to have a better understand of what’s happening to me and to know that other people are experiencing it too. Have a lovely holiday everyone ❤️ 

[ls8719]

So after having a more or less lovely 6 weeks on 0.5mg I made the scary decision to taper by 8%. I was feeling really good, I’m back at work and managing so much better since the reinstatement so I felt positive about trying a taper.
The taper amount was out of necessity as the smallest measuring syringe I can find anywhere is 1mg and I didn’t want to drop by more than 10%. By the way, any suggestions as to how to find a 0.5mg measuring syringe would be amazing! I can’t seem to find one anywhere online and I’m going to struggle with the measurements the lower my dosage goes. 😣

It’s now been a week since I tapered and it’s been going well so far. I’ve definitely noticed an increase in anxiety. I was expecting that as it was the most prominent withdrawal side effect when I came off completely in the summer. So far it has been manageable. I’m noticing things like increased anxiety and a little bit of panic when watching certain films etc and increased anxious thoughts, or maybe an increased cortisol reaction to the anxious thoughts? I’m not sure which comes first. Anyway, it’s been ok for the most part and I’m hoping it’ll settle down as my system adjusts to the taper. Fingers crossed. The other symptom I’ve noticed this week is gut issues. Nothing major but there’s more discomfort than usual. It’s strange because I didn’t have that in the summer. Hopefully temporary and settles as well.  
 

Odd question but has anyone experienced skin issues when tapering? I’ve always had acne prone skin but there seems to have been a flare up which as coincided with the taper, it could just be a hormone related coincidence though. 
 

That’s all for now. I hope everyone had a lovely time over the holidays and a happy new year to everyone. 

[ls8719]

On 1/27/2023 at 10:45 PM, ls8719 said:

So after having a more or less lovely 6 weeks on 0.5mg I made the scary decision to taper by 8%. I was feeling really good, I’m back at work and managing so much better since the reinstatement so I felt positive about trying a taper.
The taper amount was out of necessity as the smallest measuring syringe I can find anywhere is 1mg and I didn’t want to drop by more than 10%. By the way, any suggestions as to how to find a 0.5mg measuring syringe would be amazing! I can’t seem to find one anywhere online and I’m going to struggle with the measurements the lower my dosage goes. 😣

It’s now been a week since I tapered and it’s been going well so far. I’ve definitely noticed an increase in anxiety. I was expecting that as it was the most prominent withdrawal side effect when I came off completely in the summer. So far it has been manageable. I’m noticing things like increased anxiety and a little bit of panic when watching certain films etc and increased anxious thoughts, or maybe an increased cortisol reaction to the anxious thoughts? I’m not sure which comes first. Anyway, it’s been ok for the most part and I’m hoping it’ll settle down as my system adjusts to the taper. Fingers crossed. The other symptom I’ve noticed this week is gut issues. Nothing major but there’s more discomfort than usual. It’s strange because I didn’t have that in the summer. Hopefully temporary and settles as well.  
 

Odd question but has anyone experienced skin issues when tapering? I’ve always had acne prone skin but there seems to have been a flare up which as coincided with the taper, it could just be a hormone related coincidence though. 
 

That’s all for now. I hope everyone had a lovely time over the holidays and a happy new year to everyone. 

I’m two weeks into my taper and I’ve noticed the anxiety has been low level most days and more intense on others. Today has not been great, I’m having to work hard to catch the anxious thoughts and diffuse them. There’s also the horrible general unease that’s hanging around and not lifting. The morning cortisol spike was intense today and I really felt the panic on waking. I’m not sure if this means I did a taper too quickly or by too much. It’s a pretty stressful time at work just now so on reflection it may not have been the best time to taper. 
 

I’ve read on here that generally the symptoms will ease off or stabilise within a week or so after a taper. If not, it’s probably been too much or too fast. I know with 6 months on 0mg it may be that my NS needed a longer hold to stabilise before doing a taper and I jumped the gun a bit because I had been feeling good. 
 

Im starting to think if I don’t stabilise on this dose whether to go back to the 0.5ml, or tough it out. Not really sure how long to give it. 
 

 

[RachelSusan]

1 hour ago, ls8719 said:

Im starting to think if I don’t stabilise on this dose whether to go back to the 0.5ml, or tough it out. Not really sure how long to give it. 

@ls8719 I don't know if you are open to suggestions, but it it isn't too bad and you can wait it out, it might be for the best to do so.  I hate to see you have to tread the same ground twice. Ultimately I know you will  do whatever is best for you and I wish you luck.

 

Tapering is very difficult but it is worth it.

[ls8719]

@RachelSusanThank you so much for your reply. My hope is I can keep going at this dose and that it will even out. The likelihood is that I may need to hold for quite a while before I do another taper. Is there any reason why I would be so sensitive to even an 8% taper? 
 

I noticed on your Zoloft drug history you tapered down to really tiny amounts before coming off - how did you manage to measure it? I’m struggling to find such a small syringe. 

[RachelSusan]

@ls8719 I was very sensitive to tapers. After I went off completely and then reinstated my body became very sensitive to any changes. 10% is a general recommended amount, some of us need to go a lot slower.. How our body reacts will tell us if we need to do less.

 

I never did find a syringe that was less than 1mL.  What I did was add more water. I am now going to make up some numbers to use as an example. These are not real numbers.  Let's say 1mL of medicine is equal to 10mg of of Zoloft.  Well if you add 1mL of water to that 1mL of medication you would then have to take 2mL of water/medicine mixture to take the same 10mg of medicine.  So now you are working with twice as much fluid.  So your cuts don't have to be as small.  You can add as much water as you want as long as you keep in mind what your ratio is and don't get mixed up as to how much you need to cut. I would do my mixture in a little glass jar and then draw out the amount I needed. Some people make a bigger batch for about two or three days worth, and draw out what they need from that. I didn't usually do the math myself, there was a gentleman on this site that I don't see around any more that would help me.

 

 

[ls8719]

Thanks @RachelSusan That makes sense about increased sensitivity after reinstating. It’s definitely not as bad as it was when I was in full blown withdrawal in the summer after coming off at 12.5mg.
I think I had also read somewhere on the site that once you get down to tiny amounts you may need to go slower with smaller tapers, which I suppose is where I’m at just now. I find that if I don’t take my magnesium supplement it’s worse as well so I’m going to try and keep on top of that. 
 

Thank you for the info about measurements. I think I’ll need to do that once I’m down to smaller dosages. Im terrible with maths but I’ll have a look at the taper discussions to see if I can figure out exactly what I need to do.  

[ls8719]

I think I’m in the middle of a wave and I’m struggling. It is so demoralising when things had been going well. I feel like a totally different person since withdrawal started. 

I don’t feel like I can do my job any more when I’m like this because my personality has changed so much. I just feel so vulnerable and scared. In my job I need to be calm and confident, it’s not the kind of job where people are always kind or understanding. I need to be a strong person to do my job and I’m so frightened that that just isn't who I am anymore. 

I used to feel so strong when I was on antidepressants, or maybe I was just numb really. Now during waves I have this terrible  anxiety like I’ve never had before. It’s so frightening. 

 

[Onmyway]

16 minutes ago, ls8719 said:

I think I’m in the middle of a wave and I’m struggling. It is so demoralising when things had been going well. I feel like a totally different person since withdrawal started. 

I don’t feel like I can do my job any more when I’m like this because my personality has changed so much. I just feel so vulnerable and scared. In my job I need to be calm and confident, it’s not the kind of job where people are always kind or understanding. I need to be a strong person to do my job and I’m so frightened that that just isn't who I am anymore. 

I used to feel so strong when I was on antidepressants, or maybe I was just numb really. Now during waves I have this terrible  anxiety like I’ve never had before. It’s so frightening. 

 

Hi @ls8719

I am sorry this wave is so difficult. Just remember that waves are then replaced by windows and healing. Hang in there. Until you come out of withdrawal you won't really know who you are when off of the meds. And you can determine who you are yourself. You can be strong if that is what you want to do. 

You will get through this!

OMW

[RachelSusan]

@ls8719 I'm sorry you are in a wave.  They stink.  I am in a wave right now as well. I would love to compare notes with you, have you found anything that helped?  For me, when I get tremors I have found warm water helps, shower, bath, whatever. I also do deep and slow breathing.  I think I read in your posts that your symptoms are emotional, whereas mine are physical. But like I asked, if you have any tips or tricks as to what to do in  the middle of a wave I would love to hear about it.

 

I hope you feel better soon.

[littlebird]

1 hour ago, ls8719 said:

I don’t feel like I can do my job any more when I’m like this because my personality has changed so much. I just feel so vulnerable and scared. In my job I need to be calm and confident

 

Me tooooo! It's hard to believe I'm holding it down as it's been going, and I've been checking for more reassurance than usual that I'm pulling it off. I hope you find your calm center again soon!

 

1 hour ago, ls8719 said:

I used to feel so strong when I was on antidepressants, or maybe I was just numb really. Now during waves I have this terrible  anxiety like I’ve never had before. It’s so frightening. 

 

I think about this too. Was I stronger... or more numbed out? The anxiety has been terrible for me too, I've had to lean really hard on non-med coping skills to manage my day to day.

 

Cheering you on from across the pond! I have a feeling we're stronger and more capable than we think when in a WD wave; we're pulling this off better than we think we are.

[j1290]

4 hours ago, ls8719 said:

I think I’m in the middle of a wave and I’m struggling. It is so demoralising when things had been going well. I feel like a totally different person since withdrawal started. 

I don’t feel like I can do my job any more when I’m like this because my personality has changed so much. I just feel so vulnerable and scared. In my job I need to be calm and confident, it’s not the kind of job where people are always kind or understanding. I need to be a strong person to do my job and I’m so frightened that that just isn't who I am anymore. 

I used to feel so strong when I was on antidepressants, or maybe I was just numb really. Now during waves I have this terrible  anxiety like I’ve never had before. It’s so frightening. 

 

I can relate to all this.  It's harsh to have my emotions and personality so fluid from one day to the next when all I want is stability.    I use the Dr. Claire Weekes and Fear and Phobia workbook techniques, and if that fails I'll take a bit of Clonodine(blood pressure med) to get through it.   Additional pills are unpopular around here for valid reasons and I've found them to be helpful to get me closer to the end of my taper where I no longer need them except for rare emergencies.   Worked for me anyway.  I'm trying to get a new work environment too, as I realized that my current one no longer suits me.   

 

I've had crushing anxiety and panic attacks at work, so I hear you about how they feel.   I wouldn't wish them on anybody.   They seem to come in 10 minute waves, and the more I get sensitized by one, the easier it is for me to get another.   Dr. Weekes helped me with normalizing them and not letting the fear build, but it's certainly hard work.   

[Thorin]

5 hours ago, littlebird said:

 

7 hours ago, ls8719 said:

I don’t feel like I can do my job any more when I’m like this because my personality has changed so much. I just feel so vulnerable and scared. In my job I need to be calm and confident

 

Me tooooo! It's hard to believe I'm holding it down as it's been going, and I've been checking for more reassurance than usual that I'm pulling it off. I hope you find your calm center again soon!

 

Ok me too guys. I’ve been thinking deeply about leaving my current job because the stress is intense and without the medication I feel it much more keenly. I’m asking myself, do I want a job that I need medication to enjoy or do I need to change my environment to one that is more nourishing and makes me happy. Haven’t made any moves yet but the thoughts are definitely there.

 

5 hours ago, littlebird said:

7 hours ago, ls8719 said:

I used to feel so strong when I was on antidepressants, or maybe I was just numb really. Now during waves I have this terrible  anxiety like I’ve never had before. It’s so frightening. 

 

I think about this too. Was I stronger... or more numbed out? The anxiety has been terrible for me too, I've had to lean really hard on non-med coping skills to manage my day to day.

Me too @littlebird. I was numb. And the stress from the job in my medicated life gave me a rush and made me feel things. I feel differently on this low dose and it’s not a rush anymore. But this is my REAL reaction to this job and that’s what I’ll ultimately listen to. Being medicated is too high a price just for a job.

 

5 hours ago, littlebird said:

Cheering you on from across the pond! I have a feeling we're stronger and more capable than we think when in a WD wave; we're pulling this off better than we think we are.

This is also true! The anxiety IS real but the fears it gives you are not if that makes sense. If you hold for a while or get off the meds and start to heal you will likely find that the anxiety slowly decreases over time. Using non-med coping techniques will give you confidence over time as well.

 

2 hours ago, j1290 said:

  I'm trying to get a new work environment too, as I realized that my current one no longer suits me.   

Man this is key. Getting to know yourself and what does and doesn’t work for you then making the necessary changes takes courage but will ultimately help you succeed at life!

[littlebird]

2 hours ago, j1290 said:

I'm trying to get a new work environment too, as I realized that my current one no longer suits me.

 

8 minutes ago, Thorin said:

I’m asking myself, do I want a job that I need medication to enjoy or do I need to change my environment to one that is more nourishing and makes me happy.

 

8 minutes ago, Thorin said:

I was numb. And the stress from the job in my medicated life gave me a rush and made me feel things.

 

YUP!!!! In hindsight, I was maybe addicted (so to speak) to stress to give me a rush and make me feel things. I worked a highly stressful job, and unwound by being a street medic in protests that had horrific police violence. In hindsight, oh wow, what?

 

I asked a doctor about that once, why I felt most calm in highly stressful crisis situations and he calmly said, "You have complex PTSD. A crisis is perhaps the only time your outsides match your insides."

 

I had to make some big life changes, and I still miss what I used to do (if not how it made me feel long term, just aspects of it). I'm much happier and healthier now, despite missing the old days occasionally. I definitely needed to be numbed up to do it, which I don't miss, I couldn't live how I used to anymore.

 

Cheering us all on to find what makes us feel better!

[Thorin]

34 minutes ago, littlebird said:

P!!!! In hindsight, I was maybe addicted (so to speak) to stress to give me a rush and make me feel things. I worked a highly stressful job, and unwound by being a street medic in protests that had horrific police violence. In hindsight, oh wow, what?

Same but different. Addicted to a high stress lifestyle and spent my spare time flying around on a motorbike for stimulation. Now I can see it for what it was. Trying to feel something.

 

35 minutes ago, littlebird said:

I asked a doctor about that once, why I felt most calm in highly stressful crisis situations and he calmly said, "You have complex PTSD. A crisis is perhaps the only time your outsides match your insides."

Ah ok this resonates…. I’ve always been damn good in a high pressure situation in the past. Little more fragile now but recent events have shown I still have it. 

 

36 minutes ago, littlebird said:

Cheering us all on to find what makes us feel better!

Yay me too!

[ls8719]

1 hour ago, Thorin said:

this is my REAL reaction to this job and that’s what I’ll ultimately listen to. Being medicated is too high a price just for a job.

Wow guys, you have totally hit the nail on the head. This is exactly my situation. I’ve done a job for the best part of 13 years that isn’t right for me and I’ve had to be medicated to actually do day to day!? I’m not prepared to do that anymore.

 

It’s probably going to take some time and a lot of strength but either I will have to do some really hard emotional work to change aspects of my personality or accept that the career I’m in is no longer right for me. 

Now I think on it, it was work related reasons that led me to go on the medication to start with. 

[Thorin]

39 minutes ago, ls8719 said:

Wow guys, you have totally hit the nail on the head. This is exactly my situation. I’ve done a job for the best part of 13 years that isn’t right for me and I’ve had to be medicated to actually do day to day!? I’m not prepared to do that anymore.

 

It’s probably going to take some time and a lot of strength but either I will have to do some really hard emotional work to change aspects of my personality or accept that the career I’m in is no longer right for me. 

Now I think on it, it was work related reasons that led me to go on the medication to start with. 

It’s amazing to hear you say that and it’s a massive realisation! It’s not worth numbing out your entire life so you can do ONE job. It just doesn’t add up. It’s not an easy decision and I’m not suggesting you just quit your job. I’m not just quitting mine. But I am definitely weighing up the pros and cons and being brutally honest with myself about it (I’m brutally honest about EVERYTHING with myself these days). You may find with non-med coping skills you cope pretty well at work. You may find you need to change your role slightly or cut back hours a little (no shame in that. Many people do it. I have in the past). You may find that you’re better off in another job. Particularly if your job is why you sought meds in the first place. Only you can know what’s right for you. Personally, if I have to I will leave my position. It’s very high pressure and many people don’t last 6 months doing what I do. I’ve been doing it 5.5 years. I am glad to hear you’re not willing to medicate yourself for a job anymore though. No person should have to do that…..

[ls8719]

@j1290 Thank you for your reply. I do have propanalol which I could take if things got really bad, like if I know there’s a stressful situation at work I’ll need to deal with, so that is an option. I’ve been trying not to take them as I find they also have some unwanted side effects that take a few days to wear off. I’m not totally opposed to  that option though. 
 

I’ve found my non-drug techniques helpful previously but I think whenever the stressor changes I’ve found it hard to then apply them to the new situation. I think because I see my work as something which is a genuinely stressful/anxiety inducing situation I’m less prone to want to dismiss that. As it feels like I’m failing at my job.
 

Cognitive diffusion is one of the techniques I’ve used successfully before. But because I see this as a GENUINE problem that I feel I need to find a solution to, e.g. there’s aspects of my work in I’m not doing properly now, or at least not as well as I could before, it feels like it’s a problem I NEED to solve and so that’s kick started my brain into problem solving, anxiety loop mode.
 

I’m seeing my counsellor tomorrow so I’m hoping she’ll be able to help me talk things through and see some strategies which could help. 

[ls8719]

@Thorin Yes! I’m pretty much in the same place as you currently with my job. There’s parts of it I love, but it’s taken such a toll on me emotionally over the years and combining that with medication, I feel I’ve lost so much due to it. 
 

Im sadly not in a position where I could just quit either, my husband and I couldn’t survive on one wage as we have a family to support. But, I am actively looking at ways to change my situation. A change of role would make a huge difference but I think it’s going to take time/building up new skills to make that change. But, like you, I’m pretty certain that if I have to, I will change jobs. It’s just not worth putting myself through this any more. 

[Thorin]

2 minutes ago, ls8719 said:

@Thorin Yes! I’m pretty much in the same place as you currently with my job. There’s parts of it I love, but it’s taken such a toll on me emotionally over the years and combining that with medication, I feel I’ve lost so much due to it. 
 

Im sadly not in a position where I could just quit either, my husband and I couldn’t survive on one wage as we have a family to support. But, I am actively looking at ways to change my situation. A change of role would make a huge difference but I think it’s going to take time/building up new skills to make that change. But, like you, I’m pretty certain that if I have to, I will change jobs. It’s just not worth putting myself through this any more. 

Same, it’s not as simple as just quitting for me either. I can’t afford it. But I have employable skills so there are options. It would just take time, effort and patience….

No job’s worth doing this to ourselves. We’re worth too much. I just didn’t realise that before…

[ls8719]

Interestingly I’m looking back at my last post and noticing it’s about the same time of the month…period time! Definitely noticing a correlation between my menstrual cycle and bad waves over the last few months. Is that common?