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Ewa

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( mod note, mmt) Ewa's Introduction topic is here:

Ewa;Cymbalta 60 mg coldturkey

 

My name is Ewa,

I’m 49 years young and I have recovered from the voyage to hell that was initiated by cold turkey from 20 years of antidepressants use.

In the title SHE is my daughter (now 12 years old) my first and main reason to stay here, second is my husband Eric who was my caregiver and was there for me unwaveringly, third information about withdrawal from this website (was my first website I found when looking for answers) and others like it, success stories of people who came through victorious, and relentless search for truth. On February 2018 I cold turkey from 60mg of Cymbalta (December 2017 I turned 44 years old) almost instantly I was in altered state of consciousness (in medical community labeled as mania, I dislike their terminology but I will use it here in parenthesis) had out of body experiences and visions (not hallucinations) one of them was my mothers trauma I didn’t know about. I was in trans like state very euphoric, didn’t need much sleep, had diarrhea for about one month, metallic taste in my mouth, could not eat meat and other foods. I was functioning but in different way. Gradually I was coming down from euphoria, it took 8 months and one day it was clear to me that I was very much different in past months (I had that awareness during but was not afraid of it) also I started to feel internal vibration that I thought was anxiety (never had anxiety before in my life). In the end of August 2018 I went back on 60 mg Cymbalta plus 0.5 mg Ativan (first time in my life I was put on benzodiazepine), two weeks into being back on drugs I became suicidal. Every two months I was in hospital changed the antidepressant Ativan stayed the same 0.5 mg twice a day or as needed. My condition was worsening and in January 2019 I did ketamine which put me further down the hell. By this time my diagnosis changed from depression (my original sign 😉) to treatment resistant depression, all they have left for me was ECT, I had 8 sessions in total and after last one as I was walking out of hospital (for my last two sessions I was outpatient, for so called maintenance sessions) I heard just a whisper of my own soul “Ewa you have to find your own way out of here, if you stay,there will be no coming back”, by this time I was a shell of my former self, a mare shadow of a human being, that upon waking from last ECT had to guess what year it was, I was successful in this but the president of USA in 2019 was still Obama.As soon as I got home I went on internet and found this website, my search for my own way out of hell has begun.

At that time I was on Zoloft and Ativan, I decided to cold turkey again (two months taper) and in May 2019 my drug free life has begun. The level of suffering has intensified greatly and stayed the same for two years. I did not have windows not even one. I had severe insomnia, slept 2 or 3 or 0 hours, anhedonia, depersonalization, déréalisation, intrusive thoughts, suicidal ideation and urges, memory loss, cognition loss, complete loss of appetite, my GI was twisting and burning, I forced myself to eat and it was two bites at the time, I didn’t shower for weeks only when I was on my period (I never lost my menstruations still have it now), all consuming terror was always there, didn’t brush my teeth (had to have 3 crowns last year), I had light sensitivity sunny days in summer where extra torture, sounds sensitivity (I love music but in that state was torture), my whole body was stiff like I was log of wood very hard wood. Adrenaline rushes like toxic waves through my body, Agoraphobia ( was mostly bad bound), apathy, confusion, crying it was more wailing like a caged animal I became. Inner trembling, lethargy, complete loss of libido, during my very short sleep I manage to have nightmares. Tinnitus was not severe and it went away after about one year. January 3 2020 I wrote this “All I want is to be able to be a mother and wife again ! I love Chloe and Eric so much”  at that time I had all the symptoms I listed above. 
Also I have to add that during my altered state of consciousness (mania) April 2018 I had breast lift surgery(it was scheduled in 2017), day after walking up the stairs I heard myself saying “it is not normal to cut healthy body” , this procedure so accepted and even praised by our sick society is a band aid in form of self mutation to secure love and approval of others behind which is a very deep pain. I had infection and was put on very strong antibiotics, further destroying my got. 
(I have to go to my appointment now second part of my root canal treatment, I will continue later on today, I will submit this now because I don’t know how to save this and don’t want to loose it 😊

 

Thank you to my father Jan whom I love deeply, it was from his life journey and strength I drew inspiration to go on.

Edited by Altostrata
edited by request of OP
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  • Moderator

HI Ewa....

Congratulations on your new reclaimed happy life my friend!

You did a great fight and you succeeded. I merged both your topics into one so they will be easier to comment from the members looking for success stories.

Have a nice Christmas and New Year Celebration ahead.

Love Santino

2015 -  2016 Xanax only rescue doses of 0.125 mg 1-2 times per month
 March 2016 0.125Mg * 2 Xanax for 10 days.

20 March 2016 0.25 Mg * 2 Xanax for one week. 1 April 2016 Tranxene 5 mg and Fevarin but bad reaction for 5 days.4 April 2016 25 Mg Amitryptiline + 6 MG bromazepam at night

Started tapering Bromazepam 6 days later reached up to 3 MG in 10 days and withdrawal. Pdoc asked to go 6 MG again.

10 of May started Remeron 15 MG and started tapering Bromazepam again.

SINCE 09/06/2016 BENZO FREE - Started Tapering Remeron 04/07/2016

 

04/Jul/16 12.8 Mg, 11/Aug/16 12 Mg, 20/Aug/16 11Mg, 3/Sept/16 10Mg, 11/Sept/16 9 Mg, 30/Sept/16 8.1 Mg, 14/Oct/16 7.25 Mg, 17/Nov/16 6.7, 23/Nov/16 6.5, 2/Dec/16 6.25, 9/Dec/16 6Mg, 25/Dec/16 5.7Mg, 4/Jan/17 5.4Mg, 20/Jan/17 5.2Mg, 07/Feb/17 5 Mg, 15/Feb/17 4.8Mg, 27/Feb/17 4.5Mg, 15/Mar/17 4.2Mg, 23/Mar/17 4Mg, 1/Apr/17 3.7Mg, 14/Apr/17 3.4Mg, 27/Apr/17 3.1Mg, 06/May/17 2.8Mg, 22/May/17 2.6Mg, 31/May/17 2.3Mg 09/Jun/17 2Mg, 20/Jun/17 1.7Mg, 29/Jun/17 1.4Mg, 11/Jul/17 1.2Mg, 20/Jul/17 1Mg, 31/Jul/17 0.8Mg, 11/Aug/17 0.6Mg, 23/Aug/17 0.5Mg, 05/Sept/17 0.4Mg, 13/Sept/17 0.3Mg. 22/Sept/17 0.2Mg, 03/Oct/17 0.15Mg, 10/Oct/17 0.1Mg, 23/Oct/17 0.05Mg, 22/Nov/17 0.025Mg, 06/DECEMBER/2017 MIRT FREEE.

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Congratulations Ewa! Your story gives me tears. I was just reading your intro yesterday and thought you haven't been here for a long time must means you have recovered. Thank you so much for coming back and write the success story!! I hope all the happiness to you and your daughter and husband! You deserve it!!

2021/5 - 2022/5:venlafaxine 225mg(sometimes 300mg); Rexulti 2mg; clonazepam 2mg

2021/8 - 2021/11/15: mirtazepine 45mg. CT. Severe withdrawal started in December and get better in January.

2022/1/1 - 2022/3: bupurpion 300mg for "depression episode", which is actually the mirtazepine WD. Raised heart rate too much. CT.

2022/6 - 2022/8/14:lexapro 20mg; Rexulti 3mg; weaning clonazepam from 2mg to 0.5mg (too fast)

2022/8/15 - 2022/9/10:Venlafaxine 150/225mg; Result 3mg; Seroquel 25mg; clonazepam 1mg

2022/9/17 - 2022/10/1: 20mg trintellix, other the same. Cannot concentrate on anything, very fatigued, decide to go off all the med

2022/10/2 - 2022/11/8: 10mg trintellix; Seroquel and rexulti stopped CT; clonazepam 1mg;Hell started

2022/11/9 - 2022/12/7: 5mg trintellix; clonazepam 1mg; dayvigo 5mg for sleep ;desloratadine (OTC non-drowsy anti-histamine) for rashed

2022/11/9 - 2022/12/7: 5mg trintellix;; clonazepam 1mg; dayvigo 2.5mg for sleep ; desloratadine (OTC non-drowsy anti-histamine) for rashed

reinstated 10mg trintellix for two days, feel very depressed and no improvement to the symptoms. Not sure if it's just a wave or trintellix. Too scared to continue reinstating.

reinstated 37.5mg venlafaxine for two days, feel very good in emotion and energy level but not sure if it's just a window. Give up because too scared.

derealization(things look 2D), burning sensation in head, fatigue, itching rashes

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((((((((TEARS)))))) ❤️❤️  but joyful ones , thank you for returning and sharing your success story with us 🌞

2021:  started celexa 10mg feb 2nd 

feb 25th took my last 10g; feb 26th 5mg; feb 27th 5mg; feb 28th 2021 cold turkey 

currently taking mag

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Thank you for sharing your inspirational success story with us, @Ewa.  You have incredible strength and determination to come through all that you did.  Your story brings hope to many of us still in the trenches.  🙏

-1/06 - 3/07 Cymbalta. Fast taper; withdrawal symptoms after 4 mos (didn't realize was WD)

-10/07: 100 mg Zoloft; 1 mg Klonopin - tapered off Klonopin after 4 mos. Several unsuccessful slow tapers of Zoloft; went up and down in dose a lot

-Spring 2013 back on 1 mg Klonopin to counter WD symptoms; switched over 5-6 mos from Zoloft to 35 mg citalopram
-Two attempts at slow tapering citalopram, always increased dose due to WD; also increased Klonopin to 1.25 mg in 2014, then to 1.5 mg in 2015

-8/17-9/17: After holding one year at 20 mg, feeling withdrawal symptoms due to stress - slowly increased to 25 mg. No change in symptoms after 6 months (? tolerance ?)  - decided to start citalopram taper February 2018 (still on Klonopin 1.5 mg).

Supplements: fish oil; magnesium; vitamin D3; curcumin

Citalopram taper:  2/2018 - 12/2019: 25 mg - 11.03 mg I 2020: 10.89 mg - 7.9 mg I 2021: 7.8 mg - 5.26 mg I 2022: 5.2 mg - 3.36 mg 

2023: 1/9/23: 3.3 mg; 1/16/23: 3.2 mg; 1/23/23: 3.16 mg; 1/30/23: 3.1 mg

 

 

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Hi Ewa, 

 

Did you taper at all or you quit Cold Turkey ?

 

Ryder.

2008-2012: Cymbalta, Zyprexa, Valium (5 days supply),

2012 - Seroquil x 4 weeks C/T. 

2014 - Seroquil x 2 Weeks C/T. Crossed to Risperidone 3mg for 6months until December.

2014 - Stopped Risperidone cross tapered to Anti-Depressant 200mg Zoloft and 6mg Clonazepam. 

2018 - 150mg Clomipromine changed Anti-depressant. Tapered Benzo to 1mg Clonazepam. 2019 - xfer to 20mg Diazepam. 

Currently:

Anafranil: 75mg. 17th Dec 2022 70mg. 27th Dec 22: 75mg, 14 January 23': 70mg. 16-26th January: 50mg (too fast drop no sleep). Jan 28th 2023: 70mg. 

        Diazepam (V): 25th Oct 2019' 20mg. 22 Dec 19' 19mg. 04 Apr 2020' 18mg,  30 September 20' 17.5mg , 13 Nov 2020' 17mg. 01 January 2021: 16mg, 13th Aug 21' 15mg. 1st Nov' 2021 14.5mg. 1st Dec' 2021 14mg. 13 January 2022: 13.5mg, 11 Feb: 13mg.  11 April 22' 12.5mg, 12 May 22': 12mg, 6th September 2022: 11mg Valium. 9th October: 10.5mg, 25th October 10mg. 

*.      Have tried to go at faster rate than 0.5mg but is currently too fast. 

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On 12/16/2022 at 8:26 AM, Santino said:

HI Ewa....

Congratulations on your new reclaimed happy life my friend!

You did a great fight and you succeeded. I merged both your topics into one so they will be easier to comment from the members looking for success stories.

Have a nice Christmas and New Year Celebration ahead.

Love Santino

Hello Santino

thank you so much for merging both parts of my story and thank you for everything you do for this community. 
 

Wishing you wonderful Christmas and joyful New Year 😊

 

Love Ewa

 

(I have made so many spelling mistakes hopefully it’s not going to distract people from what I wanted to convey) 

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On 12/16/2022 at 10:00 AM, angela9985 said:

Congratulations Ewa! Your story gives me tears. I was just reading your intro yesterday and thought you haven't been here for a long time must means you have recovered. Thank you so much for coming back and write the success story!! I hope all the happiness to you and your daughter and husband! You deserve it!!

Thank you Angela

I took all the treasures from here in the beginning of my journey and I mostly stayed away… not because I was recovered but because it was just my way of going through hell. I knew that I will come back to give back what I took. 
Wishing you all the best 🤗 

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22 hours ago, Phoenixmama said:

((((((((TEARS)))))) ❤️❤️  but joyful ones , thank you for returning and sharing your success story with us 🌞

Thank you Phoenixmama ❤️

I cried too writing it but those tears were precious. 
Wishing you all the best and yes the best is yet to come 🌞

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21 hours ago, wantrelief said:

Thank you for sharing your inspirational success story with us, @Ewa.  You have incredible strength and determination to come through all that you did.  Your story brings hope to many of us still in the trenches.  🙏

Thank you Wantrelief 

Yes there is end to this misery please never give up.

Wishing you all the best 🌞

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3 hours ago, Ryder said:

Hi Ewa, 

 

Did you taper at all or you quit Cold Turkey ?

 

Ryder.

I quit cold turkey from 60 mg Cymbalta, after 8 months I went back on 60 mg Cymbalta plus 0.5 Ativan but it didn’t “work” and I was stepping further into nightmare. 
Hope I answered you question. 
Wishing you all the best 🌞

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  • manymoretodays changed the title to She Saved My Life
  • Moderator

Hi Ewa,

And thank you so much for writing your success story.

I did take the liberty of changing your title from all caps to just regular.  All caps can look like, or read like yelling, if one spends a lot of time online reading, or moderating, or whatever.

 

Would you be so kind as to put your drug information into a Signature please too.

How to Summarize Your Drug History in Your Signature

I did see years mentioned in your narratives.  I think 20 years of drugs?  2018 off Cymbalta CT, and a trial in 2019 of Ketamine

Click on the underlined passage, and then just follow the prompts to do yours

Very helpful, and as you likely know, we do gather data here too, so that will indeed help others too

 

Oooh, and I'll add a link to your Introduction topic too now, to your first post, and link your Introduction topic here too.

 

I read through your story yesterday, while up a top the mountain.......eating some lunch.......and so that was cool.  Inspirational. 

I loved what kept you going.......your daughter.........through some of the worst of it.  And also that your husband WAS so supportive.  Yes, you are blessed Ewa......in many ways.  Sad, of course to read of your trauma.  It's a journey.

 

Thanks again for writing and posting.  ❤️

 

Love, peace, healing, and growth,

manymoretodays(mmt)

2022 May- continuing with limited activity on site, just something I need to do right now

Started with psycho meds/psychiatric care circa 1988.  In retrospect, and on contemplation, situational overwhelm.

Rounding up to 30 years of medications(30 medication trials, poly-pharmacy maximum was 3 at one time).

5/28/2015-off Adderal salts 2.5mg. (I had been on that since hospital 10/2014)

12/2015---just holding, holding, holding, with trileptal/oxcarb at 75 mg. 1/2 tab at hs.  My last psycho med ever!  Tapered @ 10% every 4 weeks, sometimes 2 weeks to

2016 Dec 16 medication free!!

Longer signature post here, with current supplements.

Herb and alcohol free since 5/15/2016.  And.....I quit smoking 11/2021. Lapsed.  Redo of quit smoking 9/28/2022.  Can you say Hallelujah?(took me long enough)💜

None of my posts are intended as medical advice.  Please discuss any decisions about your medical care with a knowledgeable medical provider.  My success story:  Blue skies ahead, clear sailing

 

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  • Mentor

@Ewa

 

thank you so much for sharing your story

 

what a long and difficult journey you had but you made it out to the other side

 

I am so very happy for you!! 

 

  • pysch med history: 1974 @ age 18 to Oct 2017 (approx 43 yrs total)
  •  Drug list: stelazine, haldol, elavil, lithium, zoloft, celexa, lexapro(doses as high as 40mgs), klonopin, ambien, seroquel(high doses), depakote, zyprexa, lamictal- plus brief trials of dozens of other psych meds over the years
  • started lexapro 2002, dose varied from 20mgs to 40mgs. I tried to get off it several times. WD symptoms were mistaken for "relapse". 
  •  2013 too fast taper down to 5mg but WD forced me back to 20mgs
  •  June of 2105, tapered again too rapidly to 2.5mgs by Dec 2015. Found SA, held at 2.5 mgs til May 2016 when I foolishly "jumped off". Crashed in Sept, reinstated at 0.3mgs in Oct. 2106
  • Tapered off to zero by  Oct. 2017 Doing very well
  • Nov. 2018 feel 95% healed, current age 63 
  • Jan. 2020 feel 100% healed, peaceful and content 
  • Aug  2022❤️ loving life  ❤️ 
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  • Altostrata changed the title to Ewa: She Saved My Life
On 12/15/2022 at 9:27 PM, Ewa said:

Today is December 15 2022 as I’m seating down to write the second part of my story I merveille on beauty of this winter evening, feeling the coldness of the winter when outside and enjoying delicious warmth in my home and in my heart. Listening the sound track from movie “Gladiator” (one of my favorite) there are many life and death  battles in that movie, and I think it is appropriate for this story. 
So what did I do and how did I survive my battle. Once I knew truth about antidepressants (and all psychotropic drugs) I was enraged, furious I wanted revenge for all the lies (chemical imbalance one of them) that I have been told and for 20 years of my life being comfortably numb. Don’t get me wrong I function great and was very happy yet now I know that I didn’t have access to all my emotions and feelings. I didn’t sign up for that, what I signed up for was chemical imbalance and that I need it like diabetes needs insulin. Surviving this hell and living my life to the fullest was going to be my revenge! Finding and facing the truth was my way, I red many books, listened to thousands uTube videos on subjects that were part of my journey: psychotropic drugs, Big Pharma and FDA approval process of drugs, who is sponsoring Government elections, altered state of consciousness, spiritual emergences, inter generational trauma, incest, sexual abuse, levels of consciousness, epigenetics. Now I’m going to list the books I red: “When the body says No” Gabor Mate, “Anatomy of an epidemic”  Robert Whitaker, “It didn’t start with you” Mark Wolynn, “The body keeps the score” Bessel Van Der Kolk, “A profession without reason” Bruce E Levine, “Waking the tiger:healing trauma” Peter A Levine, “They say you’re crazy” Paula J Caplan, “The biology of belief” Bruce H Lipton, “Realms of the human unconscious” Stanislav Grof, “Power vs. force” David R Hawkins, “Miss America by day” Marilyn Van Derbur. There is more but I believe those were the most important for me. As I was reading and listening something inside of me was aligning with the informations as if it was there all along I was just simply remembering it, peeling away the layers of unconscious conditioning. That feeling of alignment was a glimpse of peace I felt in the middle of raging battle, that was enough to make me want to go on to look and search for the truth because only truth was making me feel peaceful if only for the moments but that’s how I knew I was on right path. From That time on I was only trusting my inner compass.

I arrived summer of 2021 sleeping little better but not much change otherwise, I felt frozen my gut especially as if there was something sinister hiding inside of my gut. After extensive research I decided to do therapeutic sessions with psilocybin (magic mushrooms). Before I go there I have to go back to my mother’s story. My mother committed suicide at the age 44, I was 16 at that time. For two years before her death she was in and out mental institution (just in those two years total of 8 times). As I mentioned in the first part of my story I was 44 when I cold turkey from 60 mg Cymbalta, no coincidence Mark Wolynn explains that beautifully in his book ( I even had one zoom session with him because I just wanted to talk to the man that has such a deep understanding of inter generational trauma). Even as I was in my altered state of consciousness (mania) in first part of year 2018 I wrote a letter to director of hospital in Poland -Kraków, asking for my mothers medical records and it was granted to me. The reason I did it was in one of my out of body experiences I had a vision in my mind eye and saw my mother being sexually violated by her father (my grandfather) in my body I felt enormous sexual pleasure it was that part that almost killed me later on, GUILT and SHAME, I was consumed by it. 
August 2021 I went (my stepdaughter had to go with me because I could not travel by myself) to Oregon to have the sessions with psilocybin, my cousin Mark is growing mushrooms and also seating with people in sessions. I trusted him completely, I only ask him this one thing “please no matter what don’t ever take me to mental hospital” he said OK.I had only one intention I was willing and ready to feel whatever I needed to feel no matter how hard or painful.I had 4 very powerful sessions each of them very meaningful and excruciatingly emotionally painful but this time I was actually feeling the pain the original pain at its conception. 

This was very crucial part in my journey, I felt like I unfroze and now I was able to start feeling and using my brain for other things like cleaning and cooking and showering, it was very gradual but I was moving forward. 
I’m not advocating or advising psilocybin, I am simply telling you my story and I have to be truthful in order for me to tell it in first place. I dammed the day I was born and I dammed my mother for having me because it was her pain I felt in every atom of my body it was her trauma that was so deeply locked in me, but I could not do one thing I could not deny it, ignore it and pushed it away I had to face it and that’s what I did. I love my mother now more then I have ever loved her before I feel connected to her in the way that it’s so deep and intimate, she lives in me now, and I am a voice that she never had. 
In August this year on one beautiful day I felt fully alive connected to myself, people and everything around me. I finally emerged from this battle victorious and stronger then I ever new myself to be. What I left on that battlefield in hell are parts of me that were there to protect me from that original pain. 
Those parts were also constricted my being in every aspect of existence: emotionally, physically, spiritually, sexually…

I am more free than ever before, I love deeper, I laugh harder and easier, my sense of humor expended, I don’t take myself and others as seriously as I used to. There is no one above me and there is no one below me, I bow to Devine nature in every human being.

 

Deep gratitude to Altostrata and everyone helping to run this website, I can not put in the words how crucial this website was for me. Thank you from the bottom of my heart. 
Thank you to everyone who has posted success story here, I red all of them twice at least. Thank you to all the authors of the books I have posted above. 
Thank you to my dear friend Kinga whom I only met May 2022 but who has brought so much into my life. She is still on the battlefield… you will emerge victorious… I love you. Thank you to my friend Nicki with whom I had my very first belly laugh…love you. 

Thank you to my Precious Sparkle Chloe❤️ it is a privilege to be your mom, thank you for choosing me. Thank you to my husband Eric for taking care of me, answering the same questions million times over, my questions: “am I going to get better?, am I crazy?, have I lost my mind?” , his answers : “yes you are going to get better, you are not crazy, you have not lost your mind you are in withdrawal”. Eric I could not have survive this without You. 
Thank you Briana and Kevin. Thank you Alex and Emily. 
Thank you to my sisters in law Diane and Michelle, Ed, John, Dave and Debbie, Jon and Renee, Mark and Holly.

 Thank you to my sister Kasia, my twin brother Adam his wife Renia, Janusz and Halinka. 
My friend Agnieszka K. and Ania S. Patrycja M. Eva D. Renia J. 
Thank you to everyone who has touched my life. 
 
 

I am so incredibly touched by your story. You really went through a lot. I am also crying a little. Just wow… your

perseverance and curiosity are very obvious as you tried duffel things to heal. I completely love your new perspective on mania. And that rich spirituality in you… listening to your soul, understanding your experiences from a more spiritual view, getting help for generational trauma and giving plant medicine a try. I am so very happy for you. 
 

I have also worked with psilocybin and while I am still tapering off, I have already seen and felt the healing. During the only heroic dose Ive had I felt great, but very flowing and not suffering, pain/sadness (if that makes sense). I ached for Mother Earth and the femenine in general. I also have had trauma originating from my moms abuse and generational trauma from her side. The femenine wound is deep in my lineage.


i have more healing, and tapering to do, but see things from a different perspective now which help me navigate life more easily. Your story brings so much hope. I greatly admire your souls commitment, and guidance, in ending generational trauma. You have healed and freed a whole clan.                  ❤️ 🙏🏼 💪 

 

P.S. I love your name. Isn’t it the name of the tree of life in the movie Avatar? 😮 ❤️ 🌳 

2002-2021: 19 yrs on/off psychotropics (ADs, lamotrigine, stimulants)

2/2022: Wellbutrin 150mg, Lexapro 20mg       3/22: Wellbutrin 150mg xl, Lexapro 10mg      4/22: Wellbutrin 150xl, Lexapro 5mg 

4/2022: Lexa 7.5mg total, Wellbutrin 150mg    5/2022: Wellbutrin 112.5mg xl, Lexa 7.5mg (Stopped Clonazepam & Hydroxyzine- didn't take often)

6/2022: Welbutrin 111mg xl, Lexa 6.8mg          8/2022: Wellbutrin 100mg xl, Lexa 6.8mg            10/9/22: Wellbutrin 100 mg IR, Lexa 6.5 mg

11/3/22: Wellbutrin 96 mg IR, Lexa 6.5 mg       11/30/22: Wellbutrin 96 mg IR, Lexa 6 mg

Other Daily Meds: Singulair 10mg, Zyrtec 10mg, Spiriva Respimat inhaler.  Rarely taking: OTC pain relievers, Diclofenac, Cyclobenzaprine, anti acids

SupplementsFish oil 1300mg, Nigella oil, Mag Glycinate 200mg, Probiotics 30 billion, 1/5 dose prenatals, Melatonin .38mg, (Reishi, Lion's Mane & psilocybin microdosing by cycles)

 

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On 12/17/2022 at 10:51 AM, manymoretodays said:

Hi Ewa,

And thank you so much for writing your success story.

I did take the liberty of changing your title from all caps to just regular.  All caps can look like, or read like yelling, if one spends a lot of time online reading, or moderating, or whatever.

 

Would you be so kind as to put your drug information into a Signature please too.

How to Summarize Your Drug History in Your Signature

I did see years mentioned in your narratives.  I think 20 years of drugs?  2018 off Cymbalta CT, and a trial in 2019 of Ketamine

Click on the underlined passage, and then just follow the prompts to do yours

Very helpful, and as you likely know, we do gather data here too, so that will indeed help others too

 

Oooh, and I'll add a link to your Introduction topic too now, to your first post, and link your Introduction topic here too.

 

I read through your story yesterday, while up a top the mountain.......eating some lunch.......and so that was cool.  Inspirational. 

I loved what kept you going.......your daughter.........through some of the worst of it.  And also that your husband WAS so supportive.  Yes, you are blessed Ewa......in many ways.  Sad, of course to read of your trauma.  It's a journey.

 

Thanks again for writing and posting.  ❤️

 

Love, peace, healing, and growth,

manymoretodays(mmt)

Hello manymoretodays 😊

You have red my intention well about all caps, I was yelling 😉 I’m perfectly fine with you changing it to regular.

I will also update or fill up my drug history as soon as I will get my medical records from my doctor ( sometime after New Year) I don’t remember dosage and what year I was on what drug, 20 years it’s a long time.

 Thank you for your kind words and work you putting in to moderate this valuable website.

Wishing you the best 😊

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On 12/18/2022 at 10:48 AM, Happy2Heal said:

@Ewa

 

thank you so much for sharing your story

 

what a long and difficult journey you had but you made it out to the other side

 

I am so very happy for you!! 

Happy2Heal thank you so much for reading my story and your kind words.

Yes I have recovered completely 😊 yesterday I was snowboarding first time in 5 years, I started to exercise 5 times a week (mostly yoga, Ashtanga, ropes, hot yoga) 2 months ago and I’m gaining my strength back very quickly, it was absolutely blissful to be on the slopes 🏂, I was the happiest kid in the Park 😁

You will get your happiness back too, never give up on yourself 💞

Wishing you the best.

 

Ewa

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On 12/22/2022 at 11:21 PM, DazzlingCold said:

I am so incredibly touched by your story. You really went through a lot. I am also crying a little. Just wow… your

perseverance and curiosity are very obvious as you tried duffel things to heal. I completely love your new perspective on mania. And that rich spirituality in you… listening to your soul, understanding your experiences from a more spiritual view, getting help for generational trauma and giving plant medicine a try. I am so very happy for you. 
 

I have also worked with psilocybin and while I am still tapering off, I have already seen and felt the healing. During the only heroic dose Ive had I felt great, but very flowing and not suffering, pain/sadness (if that makes sense). I ached for Mother Earth and the femenine in general. I also have had trauma originating from my moms abuse and generational trauma from her side. The femenine wound is deep in my lineage.


i have more healing, and tapering to do, but see things from a different perspective now which help me navigate life more easily. Your story brings so much hope. I greatly admire your souls commitment, and guidance, in ending generational trauma. You have healed and freed a whole clan.                  ❤️ 🙏🏼 💪 

 

P.S. I love your name. Isn’t it the name of the tree of life in the movie Avatar? 😮 ❤️ 🌳 

Hello DazzlingCold 😊

thank you so much for reading my story, you have said it so beautifully what I wanted to convey in my story, you understood it completely, I feel humbled by your reply 🙏🏻💞 and also deeply connected to you, it is a wonderful feeling 😊

You are on right path (don’t need to tell you this 😉) trust your inner compass, trust that voice sometimes only whisper of your soul, it will not lead you astray. 
Sanding you best wishes and hugs 😊🤗💞

 

Ps. Thank you about my name 😊 I did not know that, it’s been long time since I have seen that movie. What I know about my name that (from Hebrew) it means mother of all living, which can translates to tree of life 🌳

 

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  • Mentor
1 hour ago, Ewa said:

You will get your happiness back too, never give up on yourself 💞

I am fully recovered, and wrote my success story. 

 

 

 

  • pysch med history: 1974 @ age 18 to Oct 2017 (approx 43 yrs total)
  •  Drug list: stelazine, haldol, elavil, lithium, zoloft, celexa, lexapro(doses as high as 40mgs), klonopin, ambien, seroquel(high doses), depakote, zyprexa, lamictal- plus brief trials of dozens of other psych meds over the years
  • started lexapro 2002, dose varied from 20mgs to 40mgs. I tried to get off it several times. WD symptoms were mistaken for "relapse". 
  •  2013 too fast taper down to 5mg but WD forced me back to 20mgs
  •  June of 2105, tapered again too rapidly to 2.5mgs by Dec 2015. Found SA, held at 2.5 mgs til May 2016 when I foolishly "jumped off". Crashed in Sept, reinstated at 0.3mgs in Oct. 2106
  • Tapered off to zero by  Oct. 2017 Doing very well
  • Nov. 2018 feel 95% healed, current age 63 
  • Jan. 2020 feel 100% healed, peaceful and content 
  • Aug  2022❤️ loving life  ❤️ 
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On 12/28/2022 at 3:14 PM, Ewa said:

Hello DazzlingCold 😊

thank you so much for reading my story, you have said it so beautifully what I wanted to convey in my story, you understood it completely, I feel humbled by your reply 🙏🏻💞 and also deeply connected to you, it is a wonderful feeling 😊

You are on right path (don’t need to tell you this 😉) trust your inner compass, trust that voice sometimes only whisper of your soul, it will not lead you astray. 
Sanding you best wishes and hugs 😊🤗💞

 

Ps. Thank you about my name 😊 I did not know that, it’s been long time since I have seen that movie. What I know about my name that (from Hebrew) it means mother of all living, which can translates to tree of life 🌳

 

Beautiful name and meaning. Hugs to you 🙏🏼 ❤️  

2002-2021: 19 yrs on/off psychotropics (ADs, lamotrigine, stimulants)

2/2022: Wellbutrin 150mg, Lexapro 20mg       3/22: Wellbutrin 150mg xl, Lexapro 10mg      4/22: Wellbutrin 150xl, Lexapro 5mg 

4/2022: Lexa 7.5mg total, Wellbutrin 150mg    5/2022: Wellbutrin 112.5mg xl, Lexa 7.5mg (Stopped Clonazepam & Hydroxyzine- didn't take often)

6/2022: Welbutrin 111mg xl, Lexa 6.8mg          8/2022: Wellbutrin 100mg xl, Lexa 6.8mg            10/9/22: Wellbutrin 100 mg IR, Lexa 6.5 mg

11/3/22: Wellbutrin 96 mg IR, Lexa 6.5 mg       11/30/22: Wellbutrin 96 mg IR, Lexa 6 mg

Other Daily Meds: Singulair 10mg, Zyrtec 10mg, Spiriva Respimat inhaler.  Rarely taking: OTC pain relievers, Diclofenac, Cyclobenzaprine, anti acids

SupplementsFish oil 1300mg, Nigella oil, Mag Glycinate 200mg, Probiotics 30 billion, 1/5 dose prenatals, Melatonin .38mg, (Reishi, Lion's Mane & psilocybin microdosing by cycles)

 

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7 hours ago, DazzlingCold said:

Beautiful name and meaning. Hugs to you 🙏🏼 ❤️  

Thank you my friend 😊 hugging you right back 🙏🏻💞

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Bravo. You are a strong woman. I aspire to be like you. You give me hope and strength. Thank you. 

Aug 2020 - Feb 2022 on and off Lexapro 5 and 10mg three times (mostly on) 

Nov 2021 - May 2022 on and off Wellbutrin 100mg, 150mg, 75mg, clindamycin cycle and also Plan B bc 1x 

Fall 2020- June 2022 - Xanax .5 PRN usually 4x a week for sleep 

June 2022 - Z pack, Buspar 2.5 3x a day for 3 days then stopped everything 

September 20-24th 2022- low tryptophan diet and 20-30g beef gelatin powder

Oct 3- 16 - Xanax .5 for sleep each pm, 1 mg Ativan in ER, .25 Xanax, then .125 then stopped 

Oct 14-17Trazadone 50/75, Lunesta 3mg 

Oct 24-current 10mg Belsomra to 15 to 20 

Nov 3-5 10 Belsomra and 300mg Gabapentin 

Oct 13-Dec 1 Buspar 2.5 and 5/  5 and 5/ 7.5 and 7.5 since Nov 1 

Nov 30th- Propanolol 10mg 2-3x day 

Current: Belsomra 20mg —> 15mgAnd Propanolol 20mg AM, 10mg, 20mg PM 

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  • 2 weeks later...
On 1/2/2023 at 10:11 PM, ElaineBenes5 said:

Bravo. You are a strong woman. I aspire to be like you. You give me hope and strength. Thank you. 

Thank you so much Elaine, sometimes when we seem weakest on the outside to others we are actually strongest inside to ourselves. Wishing you fast healing and beautiful life.

With love Ewa.

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Dear Ewa,

Congrats on your recovery and perseverance! You're a strong woman, a true inspiration.

 

How did you cope with the severe insomnia? How long did it take you to recover your sleep? 

 

When in withdrawal, I sleep zero hours. Nothing helps. I get suicidal depression, loose touch with reality. I've been through this already 3 times and every time I went back on meds, it's a vicious cycle...

 

warm wishes, 

Svetla 

 

March -June 2009 Zoloft 50mg for work stress. Made me severely depressed so CT
Nov 2009 - zero sleep.
2010 - 2013 Lexapro 5 mg and Clonazepam 1mg. 2010 Clonazepam 0,0.125 mg. 2012-2013 Lexapro @2,5 mg CT. Severe insomnia July 2013 
Sept 2013  Remeron 15 mg and Paroxetine 10 mg. 
April 2015 Remeron 3,75 mg and Paroxetine 5 mg. 

June -July 2019 CT Remeron@3,75 mg. 
Nov 2019 severe insomnia. It was not possible to increase the dose of either paroxetine or remeron. 2020 Citalopram 30 mg and Mianserine 15 mg (for sleep).
April 2022 Citalopram poop out. Doc increased the dose to 40 mg in August 2022. Then back to 30 mg. Insomnia and suicidal thoughts. 

Nov-Dec 2022 hospitalisations due to suicidal ideation. 

Dec 2022 - 125 mg Zoloft, 450 mg Trazodone, 75 mg chlorprothixenе. 
 

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On 1/14/2023 at 7:44 AM, Ewa said:

Thank you so much Elaine, sometimes when we seem weakest on the outside to others we are actually strongest inside to ourselves. Wishing you fast healing and beautiful life.

With love Ewa.

I had to post this phrase on my instagram. So beautiful and true  

2002-2021: 19 yrs on/off psychotropics (ADs, lamotrigine, stimulants)

2/2022: Wellbutrin 150mg, Lexapro 20mg       3/22: Wellbutrin 150mg xl, Lexapro 10mg      4/22: Wellbutrin 150xl, Lexapro 5mg 

4/2022: Lexa 7.5mg total, Wellbutrin 150mg    5/2022: Wellbutrin 112.5mg xl, Lexa 7.5mg (Stopped Clonazepam & Hydroxyzine- didn't take often)

6/2022: Welbutrin 111mg xl, Lexa 6.8mg          8/2022: Wellbutrin 100mg xl, Lexa 6.8mg            10/9/22: Wellbutrin 100 mg IR, Lexa 6.5 mg

11/3/22: Wellbutrin 96 mg IR, Lexa 6.5 mg       11/30/22: Wellbutrin 96 mg IR, Lexa 6 mg

Other Daily Meds: Singulair 10mg, Zyrtec 10mg, Spiriva Respimat inhaler.  Rarely taking: OTC pain relievers, Diclofenac, Cyclobenzaprine, anti acids

SupplementsFish oil 1300mg, Nigella oil, Mag Glycinate 200mg, Probiotics 30 billion, 1/5 dose prenatals, Melatonin .38mg, (Reishi, Lion's Mane & psilocybin microdosing by cycles)

 

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On 1/15/2023 at 12:56 AM, Svetla said:

Dear Ewa,

Congrats on your recovery and perseverance! You're a strong woman, a true inspiration.

 

How did you cope with the severe insomnia? How long did it take you to recover your sleep? 

 

When in withdrawal, I sleep zero hours. Nothing helps. I get suicidal depression, loose touch with reality. I've been through this already 3 times and every time I went back on meds, it's a vicious cycle...

 

warm wishes, 

Svetla 

 

Dear Svetla 

Thank you so much for reading my story and for your reply. 
My insomnia was brutal and it took long time for me to regain my sleep, I started to sleep better at 2,5 years. How did I cope ? I did not cope well, I was complete mass and nothing about my story was graceful, it was dark and ugly. I lay in my bed in fetal position frozen and stiff with terror and blackest despair. It was no night and day for me no days of week and no seasons it was all the same. But during a day I red , listen to UTube did research that’s all I could do and that’s the things I had to do in order for me to survive. So I guess that was my coping. 
I’m so sorry you are going through this I completely understand and wish you freedom from drugs, strength to endure your journey and full recovery to reclaim your beautiful life. With love Ewa.

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Dear Ewa,

Gosh, that's not really reassuring, the longest I've survived in that state was 4 months this year after my doctor reduced my dose of Celexa due to poop out.

My parents took me to a psychiatric clinic and now I'm stuck with more drugs ...

Did you have early morning panic attacks in withdrawal? 

Warm regards

Svetla

March -June 2009 Zoloft 50mg for work stress. Made me severely depressed so CT
Nov 2009 - zero sleep.
2010 - 2013 Lexapro 5 mg and Clonazepam 1mg. 2010 Clonazepam 0,0.125 mg. 2012-2013 Lexapro @2,5 mg CT. Severe insomnia July 2013 
Sept 2013  Remeron 15 mg and Paroxetine 10 mg. 
April 2015 Remeron 3,75 mg and Paroxetine 5 mg. 

June -July 2019 CT Remeron@3,75 mg. 
Nov 2019 severe insomnia. It was not possible to increase the dose of either paroxetine or remeron. 2020 Citalopram 30 mg and Mianserine 15 mg (for sleep).
April 2022 Citalopram poop out. Doc increased the dose to 40 mg in August 2022. Then back to 30 mg. Insomnia and suicidal thoughts. 

Nov-Dec 2022 hospitalisations due to suicidal ideation. 

Dec 2022 - 125 mg Zoloft, 450 mg Trazodone, 75 mg chlorprothixenе. 
 

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Hello @Ewa, Thank you so much for your success story it is immeasurable to state how it helps and reassure those of us still in the mire.  I am 2 years from a cold turkey of antidepressants, I often wonder 'will this end' and 'when will this end'. I find it totally deplorable a prescribed medication could create such horrific and inhumane symptoms that are legal with no support whatsoever from medical professionals.  I felt compelled to respond to your story as I have only had a couple of windows and at 21 months my symptoms became worse.  Your story inspires me as it is such a lonely and frightening place to be but gives me hope.  Thank you and enjoy every moment of your life going forward, I intend to should I ever reach full recovery.  I will also write a success story to help, inspire and encourage others to keep going as you have done. xx

 

 

Started venlafaxine December 2016. Started to wean off Effexor over 16 months period and I had no issues at all. Stopped June 2020.  Unfortunately, I was under chronic stress from 4 deaths (1 was my mother) in the family amongst other things  and sunk back down in October 2020.  Rather than accepting this was chronic stress and grief, I panicked and went to the GP.

 

October 2020 prescribed Vortioxetine 10mg for 1 month and then increased to 15 mg ups advice from GP on for 7 weeks in total.  Had suicidal thoughts and off the wall anxiety.  Changed to Lexapro in mid December 2020, slow titration from 2.5mg up to 10mg.  After 7 weeks again off the wall anxiety. I was advised to take 5mg for one week and stop as I want to go 'au natural'.  Last SSRI was 30 January 2021.  

 

I was also prescribed diazepam and Zopiclone through the 4 months of taking SSRis to 'manage' the side effects and also for the withdrawal.   I am probably withdrawing from all drugs.

 

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On 1/17/2023 at 12:10 AM, Svetla said:

Dear Ewa,

Gosh, that's not really reassuring, the longest I've survived in that state was 4 months this year after my doctor reduced my dose of Celexa due to poop out.

My parents took me to a psychiatric clinic and now I'm stuck with more drugs ...

Did you have early morning panic attacks in withdrawal? 

Warm regards

Svetla

Hello Svetla,

my story is just that, mine, yours doesn’t have to be the same and it will not be, there is no two the same stories. This website here is full of valuable information how to taper slowly from psychotropic drugs. I would advise anyone considering drug free life to do that, supper slow taper or a pace your body is allowing you to go. I slept only 2 or 3 sometimes zero hours, I was in constant terror state. 
Wishing you all the best Svetla 🤗

 

Ewa

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13 minutes ago, Ewa said:

my story is just that, mine, yours doesn’t have to be the same and it will not be, there is no two the same stories.

Thank you for saying this, Ewa.  Intellectually I know this yet sometimes really doubt my ability to heal as I haven't come across anyone whose experience has been the same as mine.  I know I shouldn't compare and yet.....I do.  😞  Thank you for coming back after writing your success story and reassuring us....it is greatly appreciated! 💖

-1/06 - 3/07 Cymbalta. Fast taper; withdrawal symptoms after 4 mos (didn't realize was WD)

-10/07: 100 mg Zoloft; 1 mg Klonopin - tapered off Klonopin after 4 mos. Several unsuccessful slow tapers of Zoloft; went up and down in dose a lot

-Spring 2013 back on 1 mg Klonopin to counter WD symptoms; switched over 5-6 mos from Zoloft to 35 mg citalopram
-Two attempts at slow tapering citalopram, always increased dose due to WD; also increased Klonopin to 1.25 mg in 2014, then to 1.5 mg in 2015

-8/17-9/17: After holding one year at 20 mg, feeling withdrawal symptoms due to stress - slowly increased to 25 mg. No change in symptoms after 6 months (? tolerance ?)  - decided to start citalopram taper February 2018 (still on Klonopin 1.5 mg).

Supplements: fish oil; magnesium; vitamin D3; curcumin

Citalopram taper:  2/2018 - 12/2019: 25 mg - 11.03 mg I 2020: 10.89 mg - 7.9 mg I 2021: 7.8 mg - 5.26 mg I 2022: 5.2 mg - 3.36 mg 

2023: 1/9/23: 3.3 mg; 1/16/23: 3.2 mg; 1/23/23: 3.16 mg; 1/30/23: 3.1 mg

 

 

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On 1/19/2023 at 2:41 AM, BooBoo19 said:

Hello @Ewa, Thank you so much for your success story it is immeasurable to state how it helps and reassure those of us still in the mire.  I am 2 years from a cold turkey of antidepressants, I often wonder 'will this end' and 'when will this end'. I find it totally deplorable a prescribed medication could create such horrific and inhumane symptoms that are legal with no support whatsoever from medical professionals.  I felt compelled to respond to your story as I have only had a couple of windows and at 21 months my symptoms became worse.  Your story inspires me as it is such a lonely and frightening place to be but gives me hope.  Thank you and enjoy every moment of your life going forward, I intend to should I ever reach full recovery.  I will also write a success story to help, inspire and encourage others to keep going as you have done. xx

Hello BooBoo19 

I had exactly the same thoughts and feelings in withdrawal, they were accurate and justifiable and so are yours. The impenetrable darkness and the question will it ever end ? Yes it will, I wish I could tell you when but no one can, I want to reassure you that the sun will come up and you will feel and enjoy its warmth deeper then ever before. Thank you so much for replying to my story I believe you will write yours too. 
Wishing you full recovery and the strength to endure your journey.

Love Ewa.

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31 minutes ago, wantrelief said:

Thank you for saying this, Ewa.  Intellectually I know this yet sometimes really doubt my ability to heal as I haven't come across anyone whose experience has been the same as mine.  I know I shouldn't compare and yet.....I do.  😞  Thank you for coming back after writing your success story and reassuring us....it is greatly appreciated! 💖

Wantrelief you are very much welcome 🤗 

Please don’t beat yourself up about comparing or doubting you are only human and you are suffering. I didn’t want to go through it, nor was I graceful about it, but there was no other way. The success stories were very valuable to me too, it is my heart duty to give back what I received here. 
You will heal 💖

Love Ewa

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Dearest Ewa,

 

3 hours ago, Ewa said:

Wantrelief you are very much welcome 🤗 

Please don’t beat yourself up about comparing or doubting you are only human and you are suffering. I didn’t want to go through it, nor was I graceful about it, but there was no other way. The success stories were very valuable to me too, it is my heart duty to give back what I received here. 
You will heal 💖

Love Ewa

I can't thank you enough for this beautiful message....everything you said means so much to me.  With gratitude and love,

WR

-1/06 - 3/07 Cymbalta. Fast taper; withdrawal symptoms after 4 mos (didn't realize was WD)

-10/07: 100 mg Zoloft; 1 mg Klonopin - tapered off Klonopin after 4 mos. Several unsuccessful slow tapers of Zoloft; went up and down in dose a lot

-Spring 2013 back on 1 mg Klonopin to counter WD symptoms; switched over 5-6 mos from Zoloft to 35 mg citalopram
-Two attempts at slow tapering citalopram, always increased dose due to WD; also increased Klonopin to 1.25 mg in 2014, then to 1.5 mg in 2015

-8/17-9/17: After holding one year at 20 mg, feeling withdrawal symptoms due to stress - slowly increased to 25 mg. No change in symptoms after 6 months (? tolerance ?)  - decided to start citalopram taper February 2018 (still on Klonopin 1.5 mg).

Supplements: fish oil; magnesium; vitamin D3; curcumin

Citalopram taper:  2/2018 - 12/2019: 25 mg - 11.03 mg I 2020: 10.89 mg - 7.9 mg I 2021: 7.8 mg - 5.26 mg I 2022: 5.2 mg - 3.36 mg 

2023: 1/9/23: 3.3 mg; 1/16/23: 3.2 mg; 1/23/23: 3.16 mg; 1/30/23: 3.1 mg

 

 

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  • Mentor

You are a strong woman @Ewa you had a long journey through hell. I like the ‘trust your inner voice’ comment. At my worst I knew the symptoms were not me and would not beat me and all the flashbacks too. It’s hard to stay strong in the waves and that’s what brings people here. To stay the path during a 2-3 year wave is incredible. Well done to you and your support network. 

50 mg Sertraline Nov 2016 to Dec 2016

100 mg Sertraline Jan - March 2017

50 mg Sertraline April - June 2017

25 mg Sertraline July 2017 - Sept 2018

12.5 mg Sertraline Oct 2018

0 mg Nov 1 2018

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Zoloft started it. Lexapro destroyed me. Long painful story too traumatic to retell or survive but here I am. Brain absolutely destroyed after long taper. 27months off. Poly drugged into oblivion. No hope but I want to be here just to read some stories if that's ok. Thanks

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