18yoldoffZoloft: I need serious help

[Altostrata]

We do not have any magic ways to fix this. You will need to find the strength within yourself to be patient and let your nervous system repair itself.

[18yoldoffZoloft]

3 hours ago, Altostrata said:

We do not have any magic ways to fix this. You will need to find the strength within yourself to be patient and let your nervous system repair itself.

I want to believe this but I'm even worse today. I can't concentrate, I'm not taking in new information, I have no thoughts, my head pressure and burning is extreme and my whole body is stiff and numb, all my energy is depleted and theres nothing for me Im so scared. I have no energy and it feels like my soul is missing because I feel nothing at all this feels irreversible god im so scared I dont feel alive??? My head feels like its closing in on itself. I think Mirtazipine made this all so much worse this is no way to live I'm so lost. 

 

Would seeing a neurologist help?? or maybe a brain scan?? dna test?? I don't want to panic but I'm completely gone this is unreal

[Altostrata]

Nobody seems to like withdrawal syndrome.

[18yoldoffZoloft]

1 hour ago, Altostrata said:

Nobody seems to like withdrawal syndrome.

I've started to get tingling in my face and burning even worse after I take it this makes no sense. My heart rate goes up too. Is it possible its an adverse reaction? My symptoms dont really fluctuate they just seem to be getting worse, they used to but after I took Mirt they stopped. Could I start tapering now if this drug is hurting me?I keep waking up in the middle of the night which I havent done yet either. Would it be possible to talk over the phone, Im not sure if you can do that but im pretty desperate and scared

Thankyou

-Julia

[Altostrata]

Waves and windows. Not sure if you're getting tired of this, but I'm finding it repetitious.

[18yoldoffZoloft]

14 minutes ago, Altostrata said:

Waves and windows. Not sure if you're getting tired of this, but I'm finding it repetitious.

I know I'm being pretty annoying Im just reacting out of fear,, okay last question,, if I was potentially adversely reacting to this drug would the adverse reaction just make me feel really uncomfortable for the time being or would it be actively harming me after every dose ??

[Altostrata]

In your case, uncomfortable for the time being.

 

1 hour ago, 18yoldoffZoloft said:

I've started to get tingling in my face and burning even worse after I take it this makes no sense. My heart rate goes up too. Is it possible its an adverse reaction?

 

How long does this last? When did it start? You did not report this before.

 

Please stop scaring yourself. See

 

 

Non-drug techniques to cope with emotional symptoms

 

Easing your way into meditation for a stressed-out nervous system

 

Music for self-care: calms hyperalertness, anxiety, aids relaxation and sleep

 

Ways to cope with daily anxiety

 

Health anxiety, hypochondria, and obsession with symptoms

 

[18yoldoffZoloft]

2 minutes ago, Altostrata said:

In your case, uncomfortable for the time being.

 

 

How long does this last? When did it start? You did not report this before.

 

Please stop scaring yourself. See

 

 

Non-drug techniques to cope with emotional symptoms

 

Easing your way into meditation for a stressed-out nervous system

 

Music for self-care: calms hyperalertness, anxiety, aids relaxation and sleep

 

Ways to cope with daily anxiety

 

Health anxiety, hypochondria, and obsession with symptoms

 

Well I already felt really weird on higher doses of Mirt like 15 mg and 30 mg made me suicidal, completely lose my emotions and feel like I have to escape my own skin,, and the hallucinations only started on Mirt too along with the burning skin and head,, either the burning skin started on my third try at reinstating Zoloft for three days or on the Mirt,, also really weird mind chatter like my mind will start putting random words or pictures together and repeat them in my head regularly when I try falling asleep and weird thought/song loops which I think is normal for Mirt not sure. I think either I'm adversely reacting to it or its having horrible side effects or both

 

the tingling/burning and increased heart rate after mirt only started like a week ago when I said I think I was worsening,, last night all of this started maybe 15 min after I took it and lasted til I went to sleep except the heart rate was maybe only minutes after I took it,, ill observe this again tonight 

 

lately it just feels like ive been poisoning myself with it

[Altostrata]

What is your sleep pattern over the last week?

[18yoldoffZoloft]

40 minutes ago, Altostrata said:

What is your sleep pattern over the last week?

I've been going to bed at around the same time and have been waking up throughout the night every night or at 5 am which is weird 

[18yoldoffZoloft]

1 hour ago, 18yoldoffZoloft said:

I've been going to bed at around the same time and have been waking up throughout the night every night or at 5 am which is weird 

I might want to get a toxicology test maybe to see if the drug is building up in my system?? It has a long half-life so wouldnt that make it possible?? I dont think im metabolizing it well which could be the problem and my head feels so inflamed like its gonna explode

[SertralineIssues29]

23 hours ago, 18yoldoffZoloft said:

I've started to get tingling in my face and burning even worse after I take it this makes no sense. My heart rate goes up too. Is it possible its an adverse reaction? My symptoms dont really fluctuate they just seem to be getting worse, they used to but after I took Mirt they stopped. Could I start tapering now if this drug is hurting me?I keep waking up in the middle of the night which I havent done yet either. Would it be possible to talk over the phone, Im not sure if you can do that but im pretty desperate and scared

Thankyou

-Julia

 Hey Julia, look I'm scared too, like terrified, feeling like I'm getting worse as the days go by, I can't offer alot of information because I haven't worked out alot myself yet, but I'm here, on this same journey you are. It's loo awful, like really awful and I could also do with people to go through this with

 

If you want to dm me at any point as a way of not dealing alone or just someone to share burdens with please don't hesitate

 

I'm Trai by the way, nevermind the whole Sertralineissues29, I want to be Trai again

 

Xx

[Altostrata]

20 hours ago, 18yoldoffZoloft said:

I might want to get a toxicology test maybe to see if the drug is building up in my system??

 

That would be a waste of money.

 

You have been consistently scaring yourself. Please stop doing this. Your situation is mild. You're going to be fine if you can be patient. You're making yourself suffer unnecessarily. Your inclination to do this is stronger than any peer support, we cannot make patience happen for you.

 

Please keep daily notes of time of day you take mirtazapine, the dosage, and how you feel before and after you take it, until you fall asleep. Also include your sleep pattern. Thanks.

[bambam]

On 4/27/2023 at 2:35 PM, 18yoldoffZoloft said:

I want to believe this but I'm even worse today. I can't concentrate, I'm not taking in new information, I have no thoughts, my head pressure and burning is extreme and my whole body is stiff and numb, all my energy is depleted and theres nothing for me Im so scared. I have no energy and it feels like my soul is missing because I feel nothing at all this feels irreversible god im so scared I dont feel alive??? My head feels like its closing in on itself. I think Mirtazipine made this all so much worse this is no way to live I'm so lost. 

 

Would seeing a neurologist help?? or maybe a brain scan?? dna test?? I don't want to panic but I'm completely gone this is unreal

If by dna test you mean like the genesight tests for what drug is supposed to be compatible  with your dna, my genesight test had lamictal and buspirone in my green but I had an adverse reaction to both. I know these symptoms feel never ending and anything but mild but really all you can do is pray that time will be the healer. I’m still struggling daily but doing my best for my kiddos. Hang in there! 

[18yoldoffZoloft]

2 hours ago, Altostrata said:

 

That would be a waste of money.

 

You have been consistently scaring yourself. Please stop doing this. Your situation is mild. You're going to be fine if you can be patient. You're making yourself suffer unnecessarily. Your inclination to do this is stronger than any peer support, we cannot make patience happen for you.

 

Please keep daily notes of time of day you take mirtazapine, the dosage, and how you feel before and after you take it, until you fall asleep. Also include your sleep pattern. Thanks.

I will try and be patient and take daily notes. The reason I'm so scared is because I was having windows in Jan until I added more meds and its like my brain kinda shut off. I joined the FB group and theres a lot of people that did the same thing as me with reinstating same meds, adding more meds with the same exact symptoms I describe that dont really fluctuate. I would be more accepting of all this if it felt like I wasnt getting worse,, I just think I messed up my brain and its in shock or something, and Mirt is too stimulating. I felt suicidal and in panic on 15 mg and 30 mg so hopefully when I reduce it I'll feel better. 

 

Also I've had an issue with recurring UTIs ever since all this med stuff happened and I got prescribed an antibiotic and am very hesitant to take it. The first one I took in Jan was called cephalexin and the one I was given now is nitrofurantoin (macrobid). I don't remember reacting bad to the one in Jan but idk my whole body is acting weird so maybe I just didn't notice. Would it be safe to take it? I could just let it go away naturally but all this stuff could potentially lead to a kidney infection... What should I do??

 

Thank you again Alto

-Julia

[18yoldoffZoloft]

2 hours ago, Atnyxoxo said:

If by dna test you mean like the genesight tests for what drug is supposed to be compatible  with your dna, my genesight test had lamictal and buspirone in my green but I had an adverse reaction to both. I know these symptoms feel never ending and anything but mild but really all you can do is pray that time will be the healer. I’m still struggling daily but doing my best for my kiddos. Hang in there! 

I'm scared I'm gonna lose my boyfriend because I can't feel anything at all  Im terrified but just taking it one day at a time. I feel like my body isnt mine anymore. Thank you for the response, yeah its crazy what these meds can do! I mistakenly went to the ER yesterday because I had the worst head pressure, burning I felt like

my brain was gonna explode. I should've attributed it to the meds but it was like nothing I've experienced yet,, This stuff is the worst :(((

[18yoldoffZoloft]

3 hours ago, SertralineIssues29 said:

 Hey Julia, look I'm scared too, like terrified, feeling like I'm getting worse as the days go by, I can't offer alot of information because I haven't worked out alot myself yet, but I'm here, on this same journey you are. It's loo awful, like really awful and I could also do with people to go through this with

 

If you want to dm me at any point as a way of not dealing alone or just someone to share burdens with please don't hesitate

 

I'm Trai by the way, nevermind the whole Sertralineissues29, I want to be Trai again

 

Xx

Hi Trai !! All of this started from my Sertraline fast taper which basically could've been a cold turkey and every day I wonder why I stopped my reinstatement in January.. and added MORE MEDS :(( So many mistakes made.. and the thought of me having to taper another med for years that will also put me in withdrawal.. I feel like I won't be out of this til I'm like 25,, but then I think that when I get out of this I will be so so thankful for every little thing in life that I've taken for granted and will be a better person because of it! I feel like I was so careless for a while and this stuff is just bad karma or a learning lesson from some kind of higher power 😭 The worst thing is not being able to feel any emotion,, when I cry it feels forced and fake and all this bs makes me feel like a sociopath.. I miss me. I'll make sure to keep in touch! Thank you ❤️ 

 

-Julia

 

 

[Catalyzt]

Hey, OffZ,

 

I haven't been on this forum in years, but I recommended it to someone recently, so I logged back in and just randomly happened to click on your post b/c a friend has started Sertraline... and I think of it as one of the safer meds (within this class of meds, which are, for most folks, total junk.)   Thanks for reminding me that it's not!  Super helpful for me and my practice.

 

I'm a 65-year-old guy who had a complete recovery from a very short course of paroxetine which produced years of severe side effects, and for me, the side effects literally disappeared pretty much overnight.

 

Different drug, different side effects, different phase of life.  But I'm also a psychotherapist who works with young adults, and I've seen it with my clients, too.  Again, different drug (Trintillex) but I had one patient who literally went from being hospitalized with intermittent suicidality to graduating from college, going home, restarting their life... I mean, this was during the COVID lockdown, so I was able to meet with them after they got home a few times.  Smiling, laughing, having REAL emotions that I had never seen before.

 

All I wanted to say is: Please try not to make projections about the future, okay?  Absolutely, these drugs are super dangerous, and we don't really know how they work, ya, but if Alto sounds a little frustrated, it may be that she wants you to be a place where you're ready to grab the handle and fling open the door if it manages to get unlocked.  (For me, it was group TX that helped, though it was a really rare and unusual group.)

 

I really like the gratitude in your last post ("When I get out of this, I will be so thankful" = YES!) and hope you can just... kind of slowly step back from the self-blame and guilt.  Don't run from it, don't yell and scream at it, just kind of... back away discreetly.  Like you're still having that conversation with yourself, but eventually it will be in some other room in your brain.  Eventually, it will wind up in a trunk somewhere in your mental attic, where you can take it out and look at it every now and then if you want to... and then put it away for a few weeks, months, or years.

 

Don't beat yourself up for making a decision that didn't work out right.  You get to make mistakes, you get to be human. 

 

The other thing I identify with is the 'feeling like a sociopath' thing.  It's okay to fake it till you make it.  If you're not acting or behaving like a sociopath, you're not.  And you don't sound like a sociopath.  At all.

 

Hang in there.  Keep doing the deal.

 

--Catalyzt

[Altostrata]

21 hours ago, 18yoldoffZoloft said:

Also I've had an issue with recurring UTIs ever since all this med stuff happened and I got prescribed an antibiotic and am very hesitant to take it.

 

You need to take antibiotics to clear up a UTI. Did your doctor tell you ways to avoid a UTI?

[18yoldoffZoloft]

On 4/30/2023 at 7:19 AM, Altostrata said:

 

You need to take antibiotics to clear up a UTI. Did your doctor tell you ways to avoid a UTI?

Im way too scared to take them, I haven't touched them yet but have been drinking a lot of water and been trying other things that have been recommended,, the weird thing is I tested positive for a UTI but haven't experienced any physical pain from it yet I feel normal so I'm not sure what's going on. I'm too scared to take any antibiotics again because I know they can set people back and I don't know how I would react to it..

 

Also I do want to start the daily notes again but its like I'm experiencing the same symptoms every day with things just gradually declining,, one thing that has gotten worse which is most concerning for me is I can't understand things anymore and can't take in new information,, I tried watching a movie last night and could not focus or understand anything that was going on,, it was like staring at a wall, I could look at the screen but my brain wasn't processing the dialogue or anything and its extremely terrifying,, and I notice when I try to focus I get extreme eye strain and head pressure this hasn't happened yet so I don't know whats going on :(( this combined with anhedonia/apathy has made it impossible to enjoy anything as much as I try and I feel it will just get worse,, I feel dead and like I'm in some distorted alternate reality and I'm scared I'm losing myself completely!! None of this stuff really seems normal for people in WD and feels more like brain damage,, I can't even process new information anymore and it's getting worse,, and Mirtazipine took some of the last emotions I had left and I'm still on it, I feel like I did so much damage I just want to feel real and human again

 

If things continue to get worse with cognition/memory what should I do?? If I start declining even more is there even a possibility I'll make it out of this since I'm still on a drug???

 

I'm sorry I just feel like a fraction of who I was and have seen people in my state continue to get worse with no let up,, I have had minutes of feeling better maybe 2 times but thats it and the worsening of my situation is terrifying.. You guys have done a lot to help me and I don't know where I would be without you guys I'm just losing hope as time goes on 

 

-Julia

[RachelSusan]

@18yoldoffZoloft Hello there. I know you are suffering and are afraid to take your antibiotics. However If a UTI goes untreated it may become a much more serious infection. It can lead to a kidney infection or move to your blood stream and cause even more problems. This current infection may be dragging you down, maybe you just don't feel right on top of everything else you are going through.  Not all people get the typical symptoms of a UTI. I know someone that never gets symptoms but when she just feels off they test her and she usually tests positive for a UTI. I know you are frightened but please take your antibiotics and make sure you finish the prescription. If for some reason you feel that the particular antibiotic that was prescribed is causing you to have a reaction then call your doctor and ask for a different antibiotic. Yes, some people have had antibiotics impact their withdrawal and a lot have had no reaction to them. However you need to treat the infection. Please take care of yourself.

 

I follow your posts and always hope for a fast recovery for you. I know nothing feels fast to you because you feel so awful. Sometimes these things take many months. Hang in there, you will recover.

[18yoldoffZoloft]

5 minutes ago, RachelSusan said:

@18yoldoffZoloft Hello there. I know you are suffering and are afraid to take your antibiotics. However If a UTI goes untreated it may become a much more serious infection. It can lead to a kidney infection or move to your blood stream and cause even more problems. This current infection may be dragging you down, maybe you just don't feel right on top of everything else you are going through.  Not all people get the typical symptoms of a UTI. I know someone that never gets symptoms but when she just feels off they test her and she usually tests positive for a UTI. I know you are frightened but please take your antibiotics and make sure you finish the prescription. If for some reason you feel that the particular antibiotic that was prescribed is causing you to have a reaction then call your doctor and ask for a different antibiotic. Yes, some people have had antibiotics impact their withdrawal and a lot have had no reaction to them. However you need to treat the infection. Please take care of yourself.

 

I follow your posts and always hope for a fast recovery for you. I know nothing feels fast to you because you feel so awful. Sometimes these things take many months. Hang in there, you will recover.

Hi Rachel! Thank you for always being so kind to me...Im trying to take care of myself but have been feeling like hell every day, thank you for checking in.. Is there any way to test for an adverse reaction to antibiotics before you take them? I don't want to touch them and am terrified. Hope all is okay with you❤️

 

-Julia 

[18yoldoffZoloft]

On 4/30/2023 at 7:19 AM, Altostrata said:

 

You need to take antibiotics to clear up a UTI. Did your doctor tell you ways to avoid a UTI?

There are some really disturbing potential interactions between Mirtazipine and Nitrofurantoin (the antibiotic I have to take) like suicide attempts, etc and I have a horrible feeling about this. Could I check to see if I might adversely react to it? 

[RachelSusan]

@18yoldoffZoloftJulia, I am not aware of any tests for adverse reactions to antibiotics, but that doesn't mean there isn't one, it just means I have not heard of it.  Maybe your doctor would know, however it is possible that you may not want to ask your doctor for your own reasons. But if you don't want to take the antibiotic then you really need to communicate that with your doctor, even if you don't want to. Perhaps he can prescribe a different antibiotic? One with no potential to have a negative interaction with your other meds? An untreated UTI can be very dangerous.

 

Julia, you sound like a really nice person who is going through a hard withdrawal, something that only those of us here can really understand. I am glad you have found you way to this site.  You are very lucky to have Altostrata helping you. 

Edited May 9, 2023 by RachelSusan

[Altostrata]

Please learn to control the catastrophizing, @18yoldoffZoloft, it's making your life difficult. See

 

 

 

[18yoldoffZoloft]

2 hours ago, Altostrata said:

Please learn to control the catastrophizing, @18yoldoffZoloft, it's making your life difficult. See

 

 

 

I go days without catastrophizing but then things get worse and I lose it :(( 

 

Last night though I took Mirtazipine at my regular time and didn't sleep?? This has happened once before but it happened again, would there be a reason for it? 

 

 

[Altostrata]

Have we mentioned that symptoms come and go? Did you perhaps keep yourself awake with worrying?

[Catalyzt]

I hear what you're saying, Alto, but it's easier said than done to avoid catastrophic thinking-- particularly if you're younger, and do not have experience with having extreme, and/or bizarre, mental and emotional states repeatedly... and then having them resolve.

 

I absolutely agree with Rachel, and untreated UTI can be super dangerous and can cause mental status changes without other noticeable symptoms. 

 

My take: You can guarantee that there will be no drug interactions, but my experience has been that interactions and side effects caused by antibiotics-- even cognitive and emotional ones-- tend to be more transient.  I had a terrible experience with metronidazole (probably because I mixed it with alcohol, though I tried to be really careful), and it caused uncontrollable anxious rumination... but I did need it to clear the underlying infection.  And the side effect eventually went away, even though it took a while.  Absolutely was not permanent.  I had to take it again a couple of years ago, which scared me, but I wasn't drinking and it wasn't nearly as bad.

 

I'm not a doctor, not giving medical advice, and can't predict with certainty how you will react, but mixing those two drugs does not seem like a crazy thing to do. 

 

It's easier for some of us who are older to mentally and emotionally 'set aside' worry and fear because we've often endured really bizarre emotional symptoms for a long period of time and then had them disappear.  And we have less energy, so we literally can't worry or we would have to stop functioning, or would just black out or fall asleep or something.

 

When you're younger, it's much harder.  I remember what it was like.  And I have my old journals, which are really scary!

 

Hang in there...

[18yoldoffZoloft]

On 5/10/2023 at 9:29 AM, Altostrata said:

Have we mentioned that symptoms come and go? Did you perhaps keep yourself awake with worrying?

It probably was partially due to worrying :(( I had an awful day a few days ago where I could not understand what people were saying to me at all and was having visual distortions and it felt like some sick nightmare. I know I probably did but do you think I kindled myself in February with trying Zoloft again 😭 I also had alcohol in Jan and Nyquil and was so confused why I was so sick, covid too. I had also bumped up Mirtazipine to 30 for those few days wow..  It was only for two days but I feel like thats what caused the neurological impairment. I can only hope it gets better 

 

I've been keeping notes some days but not every day because I can't find the motivation, hopefully that improves 

[18yoldoffZoloft]

On 5/10/2023 at 9:29 AM, Altostrata said:

Have we mentioned that symptoms come and go? Did you perhaps keep yourself awake with worrying?

may 12

 

8:30 am woke up, diarrhea, fast heart rate, concrete block head, gagging, songs looping in my head

9-12 pm looking at phone, brain fog having trouble reading/understanding, light sensitive, cotton feeling in head

1 pm head pressure, burning head

2 pm legs feel exhausted numb while laying down, feels like full body exhaustion

4 pm make myself food but have trouble eating because nausea, stiff neck/head

5 pm start screaming and crying 

6 pm drive with dad to dog park with dogs 

7 pm drive to store, dp/dr is awful, feel more at peace though I regularly start accepting the way I feel later in the day 

8 pm get home 

930 pm dinner 

1030 head pressure/burning at its worst today

1040 take 7.5 mg mirt 

woke up multiple times throughout the night

 

the symptoms that always persist are the emotional anesthesia, anhedonia, weird head feelings, brain fog, cognitive impairment while the burning, severe head pressure, stiff neck, nausea/gagging seem to fluctuate. I'm not sure what's going on with me except that I know I did a lot of damage, hopefully temporary :(( 

 

I had a moment on the last day of April in the evening where I felt more like me again, my feelings for my boyfriend came rushing back like the PSSD lifted and we were joking around for a bit and I didn't feel so bad but it lasted a couple of minutes.. hopefully I can get more of those it felt good :DD

 

 

[18yoldoffZoloft]

On 5/10/2023 at 10:23 AM, Catalyzt said:

I hear what you're saying, Alto, but it's easier said than done to avoid catastrophic thinking-- particularly if you're younger, and do not have experience with having extreme, and/or bizarre, mental and emotional states repeatedly... and then having them resolve.

 

I absolutely agree with Rachel, and untreated UTI can be super dangerous and can cause mental status changes without other noticeable symptoms. 

 

My take: You can guarantee that there will be no drug interactions, but my experience has been that interactions and side effects caused by antibiotics-- even cognitive and emotional ones-- tend to be more transient.  I had a terrible experience with metronidazole (probably because I mixed it with alcohol, though I tried to be really careful), and it caused uncontrollable anxious rumination... but I did need it to clear the underlying infection.  And the side effect eventually went away, even though it took a while.  Absolutely was not permanent.  I had to take it again a couple of years ago, which scared me, but I wasn't drinking and it wasn't nearly as bad.

 

I'm not a doctor, not giving medical advice, and can't predict with certainty how you will react, but mixing those two drugs does not seem like a crazy thing to do. 

 

It's easier for some of us who are older to mentally and emotionally 'set aside' worry and fear because we've often endured really bizarre emotional symptoms for a long period of time and then had them disappear.  And we have less energy, so we literally can't worry or we would have to stop functioning, or would just black out or fall asleep or something.

 

When you're younger, it's much harder.  I remember what it was like.  And I have my old journals, which are really scary!

 

Hang in there...

Hi Catalyzt! Thank you for all your thoughtful responses they mean more than you know ❤️

 

It's nice getting to hear from a therapist and I feel very heard! I'm seeing a therapist right now actually and I'd love to say she's helping me but honestly I think she doesn't have a clue whats truly going on with me (although I sob and raise my voice trying to explain it to her) and thinks I'm seriously mentally ill.. I thought I was for a while too when I didn't know about withdrawal but have only recently started to realize all my issues started compounding on each other from each drug I took. I'm struggling really bad and it's felt like a never ending struggle since December, not sure how I've managed to make it this far but have been taking it one day at a time. I'm trying not to catastrophize but with my cognitive issues/anhedonia it makes it really hard to do anything that involves concentration and with this medication that I'm on that I still need to taper off I feel so trapped. It's hard to resist not rapid tapering off Mirtazipine to just rip off the bandaid but I know that would send me in to a different kind of hell that I don't think would be bearable. 

 

What you said about me being young and scared is very true, I haven't had to deal with anything super traumatizing in my life before with this being the first so I have no idea how someone can make it through something like this, and I feel so lost on how to cope. I wish I could say I was doing a good job at it but the majority of the time I'm rotting away in bed despairing about brain damage or whatever which does nothing to help me. I'd been hanging out with my boyfriend for a long time trying to go out and do things as distraction but I think I over-exhausted myself by not taking it easy so now I'm back in bed. I even tried working a 4-hour shift at my job I haven't been at since Dec a few days ago and although I looked fine on the outside I felt awful the entire time, and don't think working is something I can do for a very long time :((

 

It's almost devastating watching people my age go out and live their lives while I'm suffering from something that feels majorly out of my control, with no idea when it might resolve itself. I didn't graduate with my class last year which I think was MAJORLY due to the fact that Zoloft killed my motivation and I thought life would get so much better off of it, which is would've been if I had tapered correctly. I don't know how I'll get through this at all because I feel like I was never taught how to cope with these things but I know I'm probably in this for years. I've never been this scared in my life so I'm just hoping it gets better, thats all I have right now. 

 

Also I haven't taken the antibiotic because I'm scared I know you say that it's probably safe but I kindled and messed myself up multiple times throughout this process and feel like I'm getting worse without the addition of new chemicals so I don't want to risk anything 😭 Thank you for your messages again, it's so kind of you to take the time to reassure me that I'll be okay one day. Thank you ❤️

 

-Julia

[18yoldoffZoloft]

I don't know whats going on with me but whatever it is I don't believe its withdrawal anymore, I just keep getting worse by the day. I can't live like this it's unbearable. There is no humanity, emotions, time perception, memory,understanding, thoughts,desires,creativity, love, enjoyment or anything that makes a human experience worth it. Everyday I am gradually getting worse and I feel completely wiped out of anything that made me myself. I'm living in an unfamiliar body and an unfamiliar world and all I feel is this uncomfortable emptiness and fear. I know I did some serious damage because I can't hold a conversation anymore, I can't even follow what people are telling me. Im hallucinating and my memory is getting worse and worse. I know the people that get worse never make it out of this and I feel so unbelievably ruined. My brain is burning and I'm confused, this isn't withdrawal anymore. I seriously messed up by adding in Zoloft for a third time and I know that's what ruined me, this is damage. I had withdrawal in January until Zoloft and Mirtazipine and now I don't have anything, just this complete wipeout of everything that made me human. I would be stupid to believe that I'll get out of this in a couple of years because thats just not happening. I'm so young and it feels like my life has been taken away from me I just cry every day because my soul feels like it was ripped away from me, and everything I loved has no meaning anymore. I feel like I'm in some sick warped reality, and I can't even distract myself because my brain isn't working. I would've taken years to heal from the initial Zoloft WD itself and by adding more and more drugs I've just ruined any chance of me getting better, I just feel my brain deteriorating. I can barely get through a day of this, how could I get through years and years?? I want to be positive but I've tried and I feel run to the ground. It's more than disgusting how these drugs just continue to ruin peoples lives, I feel like my options have run out. I was so stupid for just adding more drugs, I just didnt know what was going on with me and was desperate. Everyday I feel like a scared child and thats because I am one right now. All I want is to feel comfort from just anything at all, but nothing makes me feel okay. I feel so alone and scared. My family is trying to help but we honestly don't know what to do anymore, they want to put me on more drugs. I was relieved coming on here thinking at least I'm not one of those horror stories but its like all the damage I did is catching up to me and I'm slowly turning into one. I would rather experience crushing depression and sadness any day over whatever the hell this is. Am I just going to keep worsening until I die? This is so cruel and I need it to stop :(( 

  

[zepedroj]

5 hours ago, 18yoldoffZoloft said:

I don't know whats going on with me but whatever it is I don't believe its withdrawal anymore, I just keep getting worse by the day. I can't live like this it's unbearable. There is no humanity, emotions, time perception, memory,understanding, thoughts,desires,creativity, love, enjoyment or anything that makes a human experience worth it. Everyday I am gradually getting worse and I feel completely wiped out of anything that made me myself. I'm living in an unfamiliar body and an unfamiliar world and all I feel is this uncomfortable emptiness and fear. I know I did some serious damage because I can't hold a conversation anymore, I can't even follow what people are telling me. Im hallucinating and my memory is getting worse and worse. I know the people that get worse never make it out of this and I feel so unbelievably ruined. My brain is burning and I'm confused, this isn't withdrawal anymore. I seriously messed up by adding in Zoloft for a third time and I know that's what ruined me, this is damage. I had withdrawal in January until Zoloft and Mirtazipine and now I don't have anything, just this complete wipeout of everything that made me human. I would be stupid to believe that I'll get out of this in a couple of years because thats just not happening. I'm so young and it feels like my life has been taken away from me I just cry every day because my soul feels like it was ripped away from me, and everything I loved has no meaning anymore. I feel like I'm in some sick warped reality, and I can't even distract myself because my brain isn't working. I would've taken years to heal from the initial Zoloft WD itself and by adding more and more drugs I've just ruined any chance of me getting better, I just feel my brain deteriorating. I can barely get through a day of this, how could I get through years and years?? I want to be positive but I've tried and I feel run to the ground. It's more than disgusting how these drugs just continue to ruin peoples lives, I feel like my options have run out. I was so stupid for just adding more drugs, I just didnt know what was going on with me and was desperate. Everyday I feel like a scared child and thats because I am one right now. All I want is to feel comfort from just anything at all, but nothing makes me feel okay. I feel so alone and scared. My family is trying to help but we honestly don't know what to do anymore, they want to put me on more drugs. I was relieved coming on here thinking at least I'm not one of those horror stories but its like all the damage I did is catching up to me and I'm slowly turning into one. I would rather experience crushing depression and sadness any day over whatever the hell this is. Am I just going to keep worsening until I die? This is so cruel and I need it to stop :(( 

  

Please, please, try to be strong.

 

From what you are describing, it seems like it is derealization/depersonalozation. How long have you been like this? Is it constant or does it fluctuate? I also had DPDR, it lasted for about a month or so, but it eventually went away.

 

Please tell me you are going to a Therapist. Talk therapy is the only thing getting me through this.

 

@AltostrataCan you please step in so you can help out with symptoms? She seems terribly frightened and needs some guidance.

[zepedroj]

5 hours ago, 18yoldoffZoloft said:

I don't know whats going on with me but whatever it is I don't believe its withdrawal anymore, I just keep getting worse by the day. I can't live like this it's unbearable. There is no humanity, emotions, time perception, memory,understanding, thoughts,desires,creativity, love, enjoyment or anything that makes a human experience worth it. Everyday I am gradually getting worse and I feel completely wiped out of anything that made me myself. I'm living in an unfamiliar body and an unfamiliar world and all I feel is this uncomfortable emptiness and fear. I know I did some serious damage because I can't hold a conversation anymore, I can't even follow what people are telling me. Im hallucinating and my memory is getting worse and worse. I know the people that get worse never make it out of this and I feel so unbelievably ruined. My brain is burning and I'm confused, this isn't withdrawal anymore. I seriously messed up by adding in Zoloft for a third time and I know that's what ruined me, this is damage. I had withdrawal in January until Zoloft and Mirtazipine and now I don't have anything, just this complete wipeout of everything that made me human. I would be stupid to believe that I'll get out of this in a couple of years because thats just not happening. I'm so young and it feels like my life has been taken away from me I just cry every day because my soul feels like it was ripped away from me, and everything I loved has no meaning anymore. I feel like I'm in some sick warped reality, and I can't even distract myself because my brain isn't working. I would've taken years to heal from the initial Zoloft WD itself and by adding more and more drugs I've just ruined any chance of me getting better, I just feel my brain deteriorating. I can barely get through a day of this, how could I get through years and years?? I want to be positive but I've tried and I feel run to the ground. It's more than disgusting how these drugs just continue to ruin peoples lives, I feel like my options have run out. I was so stupid for just adding more drugs, I just didnt know what was going on with me and was desperate. Everyday I feel like a scared child and thats because I am one right now. All I want is to feel comfort from just anything at all, but nothing makes me feel okay. I feel so alone and scared. My family is trying to help but we honestly don't know what to do anymore, they want to put me on more drugs. I was relieved coming on here thinking at least I'm not one of those horror stories but its like all the damage I did is catching up to me and I'm slowly turning into one. I would rather experience crushing depression and sadness any day over whatever the hell this is. Am I just going to keep worsening until I die? This is so cruel and I need it to stop :(( 

  

I also remember feeling that my brain was damaged when I was having recurring migraines. I hate to be the one say it, but I doubt you have visible brain damage. In my case, the doctor had me making a CT scan for my migraines and everything turned out to be OK.

 

Sadly, me and you just have our neurotransmitters deregulated. It sucks, but we can't treat it or stabilize it, since we can't even measure them. I also struggle tremendously with accepting this, but unfortunately the only thing we can do is wait. Exercise, meditation, socializing and therapy help me a bit, so I do those.

 

Even though I talk as if I got it figured out, I too got my joy taken away from me. A lot of times I find myself in social gatherings completely lethargic and quiet, without saying a word. I have down moments a lot, the only thing that keeps me going is faith. I need to believe that I will be better eventually. I feel like 2-5% from last month, but went a couple months without seeing improvement.

 

Please, please be strong! 

 

 

[Catina7]

I'm so sorry for what you're dealing with.  Please do not blame yourself.  If it's anyone's fault, it's the so-called "professionals" and the drugs they prescribe. 

 

The greatest healer is TIME, which requires PATIENCE.  And in order to have PATIENCE we must have HOPE.  We must believe that if we can hang on, that eventually our brains and bodies will find some sort of balance.  You are still very young so that is in your favor!  Don't underestimate the body's ability to heal.  There are countless others who have gone through similar things and they have gotten better over time.

 

If we radically ACCEPT ourselves and our situation while implementing as many coping skills as we can, we can hold onto that hope and keep going even in our darkest moments.  Also, our thoughts have so much power.  I know it's easier said than done sometimes, but studies have shown that positive thinking can have a tremendous effect on physical and mental healing.  If we tell ourselves over and over again that we will NEVER get better, then guess what?  We may not.  But if we can train our minds to think that we WILL get better, we might be surprised at how much that can help us.

 

One thing that helps me when my head hurts is to put a heating pad (set to high heat) on my pillow and lay my head on it.  I'll use it on the back of my head first and then put it on the front of my head.  I find that it's so soothing and therapeutic for any pain I'm experiencing.  Some other things that have helped me are acupuncture and EFT tapping.  Try to find as many coping mechanisms that you can.

 

I am confident that you can endure through this awful time in your life and come out on the other side, but you must allow time to do its healing with patience and hope.

[Altostrata]

Thanks very much, @Catina7

 

On 4/27/2023 at 5:34 PM, Altostrata said:

We do not have any magic ways to fix this. You will need to find the strength within yourself to be patient and let your nervous system repair itself.

 

Hello, @18yoldoffZoloft it may take some number of months for you to feel even a little better.

 

What is your most troublesome symptom now? What is your sleep pattern? How do you feel now compared to how you felt in February?

 

The last time you posted your daily notes was May 15. Please post daily notes.