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alexjuice

Feelings Towards My Doctor

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btdt

I guess I can't help thinking of the life I use to have and the life I expected to have and comparing that to the actual life I have had all the suffering pain despair the things I have lost tangible things like houses home money status job ...brain..intelligence...romance sex... relationship highs the loss of all this loss of health... wealth security peace of mind... and look hard at myself with what I am left with and am sorry if I am not grateful enough for some here that some of the drug induced suffering has lessened... cause I know what I had I know what I have lost ....

 

And I also know that those doctors got all those things in life in part cause they were willing to take all that away from me and were rewarded for doing so...

 

Sorry not ready yet to give the free pass and let them keep doing this to other people ...just not going to happen ever I don't think. 

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Barbarannamated

Btdt,

 

I understand your feelings. I also can't imagine ever getting to that place.

 

I think some of us have lost much more of our lives to the drugs and have iatrogenic medical conditions that *should* be treated with more drugs per conventional western medicine. This is not to minimize anyone's situation, please understand. However, not everyone's life trajectory has been dramatically altered or cut short. I was never forcefully drugged, but the trauma of forced cold-turkey and being in that system for a few days is something I doubt I'll ever get past completely. Perhaps I'm wrong, but wanted to say that I understand your feelings.

 

Also, I'm not convinced that it's always best to "forgive and forget". I understand the others' desire to not be consumed by anger, but sometimes it is healthy to stay in touch with appropriate anger, in my opinion.

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compsports

Oh, I will never forgive and forget especially when I was given psych meds based on lies that continue to be spread and destroy other people's lives.  I mean, I try not to think about it all the time and let it consume me but when the treatment has made it difficult for me to access the pap therapy I need so I don't eventually die, of course I am angry as anyone would be.   In other words, I feel that being on psych meds has made me extremely hypersensitive which makes it difficult to tolerate pap therapy.

 

And what is worse is that now mainstream doctors think that psych meds are the solution to everything. I greatly fear things will worsen.

 

CS

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Equanimity

"As more and more of us inform the media, doctors, friends maybe just maybe it'll change. I do see this already."

 

Aria,

 

This statement of yours I agree with wholeheartedly.  There HAS to be a reason we went through this awful experience.  I have to believe it is to learn from it and then help others who are going through it, and to help others NOT to go through it.  The presence of blogs like SA and beyondmeds and lots of other information on-line helps other people doing a little research before they put a drug into their body think twice.

 

I didn't have the luxury of the internet like I am sure is the case for most of us here.  I am grateful for the internet for this reason.  

 

To btdt,

 

I sincerely hope that I didn't offend you.  That was and would never be my intention.  I went to the topic of "Finding Meaning" on this blog because that is what I try to do everyday--to understand what this life is all about.  What Roads said resonated with me in some way and I always thank people who put out there something that helps me along my journey.

 

I can most definitely understand your hurt, your anger.  You are still reeling.  I know that feeling.  Please understand that I meant no harm and only wish others well no matter what.  I do sincerely wish you well.

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Aria

"As more and more of us inform the media, doctors, friends maybe just maybe it'll change. I do see this already."

 

Aria,

 

This statement of yours I agree with wholeheartedly.  There HAS to be a reason we went through this awful experience.  I have to believe it is to learn from it and then help others who are going through it, and to help others NOT to go through it.  The presence of blogs like SA and beyondmeds and lots of other information on-line helps other people doing a little research before they put a drug into their body think twice.

 

I have told so many people about the psych drugs they were given for sleep and/or anxiety (without going into my psych history). The majority had NO idea what type of drug it was or the potential dangerous side effects. The most over prescribed for benign reasons is Seroquel and OMG it's dangerous (especially for the elderly).

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mattinsmom

I hated my doctor for a few days when I wanted to taper and he responded with hostility and an aggressive taper schedule that would land in the hospital. Mostly, I was angry that I hadn't seen this side of him. I knew he was not the best but I thought he cared. Many times he would tell me, quite assuredly, that he'd just read an article in (insert whatever professional journal here) that said (insert whatever new drug here) has been proven to successfully treat (insert diagnosis here) with little to no side effects. I think that maybe he actually believed the articles at face value. I am a very-well educated woman and not once did I question which medical journals he was reading. I also never imagined to question who had funded the study. Robert Whitaker's Epidemic book opened my eyes to that one. Do I think he should have been more informed? Yes. Do I think that it was naive if not negligent to trust a study result at face value? Absolutely. Do I think that somewhere inside he "knew better" than to do what he was doing? Maybe. AND I think that our (usa) system of medical management has put all doctors into a bind. They carry unbelievably high case loads and are mandated to produce a minimum number of "billable hours" each week. Insurance companies only reimburse for quick visits. Their pay is on the line. They do make snap judgement on little and mostly anecdotal evidence. As do I. I make snap judgement all the time. I am not angry w/ my pdoc for prescribing meds. That is his job. I am angry that he never listened or reached beyond his limited experiences.

 

I was diagnosed bi-polar when it was the hot new diagnosis. It just happened to follow the birth of my child. Postpartum wasn't something I'd heard of and I do have a very traumatic history. It sounded reasonable at that time.. It "went away" for a little while and returned shortly after my second child. Again, postpartum was not on the radar. I've had the attempts at too fast tapers that brought me back asking for meds within weeks. I've had the "just like diabetes" conversation. I believed everything this man said because I had children and I needed to be ok for them. I would have, and apparently did, taken anything that promised my children a more stable life.

 

I am angry at my family. My family watched me disappear over the years. They watched me lose interest. They watched me isolate. They watched me become a shell of who I was all while saying "maybe you need more meds". They didn't know any better. I'm mad that they didn't tell me because I didn't see it. When I look back at all the things I have given up, just stopped for no reason other then "'eh, I don't wanna" it is awful. And then I see just how slow this monster crept in. How the changes in me were so minute and constant that maybe noone did see just how bad it getting. I only see it in hindsight.

 

And more than anyone, I am mad at myself. I am mad for all the times my body/intuition said the meds were making me sick; the times that I called them chemical lobotomies; the times that I knew something was wrong; and the times that I heard myself say "They don't make me better, they make me not care". I am mad at the world for teaching me what a normal life (perfection) was "supposed to look like". I am mad at the people who wouldn't see past the label. I am mad at a medication industry run wild and unchecked.

 

What hurts more is the sad. I like to call it angry, that somehow feels easier - more powerful - then sad. I am sad that I was in a place in my life where I was desperate enough to believe what I was told. I'm sad that I didn't honor my body, mind, and intuition. I am sad when I now look back and see all the opportunities lost, the relationships that didn't happen, the joy that was not experienced. Was it mental illness or medication? Was it a 2 for 1 combo pack? I don't know. I only know that I trusted people who may or may not have been worthy and I allowed myself to travel so deeply into the rabbit hole that I didn't find the tunnel leading out until I was 45. My kids are mostly grown at 21 and 16. We've somehow managed to come thru fairly unscathed. My personal and romantic relationships are strained at best. My heart is broken at the least.  

 

I, personally, hide sad, confused, disappointed, scared, hurt, lonely, and defeated behind anger. It takes a little digging but I'm bound to end up there. When I dig further I always find fear. I'm working on it. Am I angry with my doctor? Yes. I am angry with the world. And I believe this will find its way to peace if I just keep putting one foot in front of the other and listen to my being, body, mind, and soul. 

 

And I am very grateful to have had my eyes opened. I am grateful for the books that have managed to find my lap. I am grateful for the 20-seconds of brave when I told my pdoc I want to try to stop meds. I am grateful to my family for supporting me even tho they are afraid I might get hurt. I am grateful for my psychologist for giving me someone to trust who tells me her concerns and worries and then says ok, lets make a plan. And I am grateful to people like you and others on this forum for welcoming me in and allowing me to be wherever I am at any particular moment. 

 

And I'm still angry too.

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Aria

Amy,

 

Absolutely beautiful'' I can relate. I was on 6 psych drugs and had c/t Seroquel after being told by the original prescribng pdoc "there won't be a problem doing this". When I was determined to be drug free and I went to a new pdoc for the needed drugs to taper. He said I wasn't mentally ill, had never been mentally ill and no way he would give me the drugs I needed to taper. I had to crawl back to the orignal pdoc to get the drugs which make me feel terrible.

 

I can also relate to the family stepping aside when the poly drugging started. I don't think they knew what to do with me as I slowly disappeared on psych drugs.

 

No, it doesn't make sense. I was so very very angry for a long time and still am to a smaller degree. I've written about is on my Intro and you'll see the many similarities that may be helpful? I got my clarity of mind back being drug free. Not the same but enough and I'm grateful. http://survivinganti...-psych-journey/

 

Aria

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Barbarannamated

Beautifully expressed, Amy.

 

Aria, I didn't recall that a psychiatrist denied you the drugs after agreeing that you were wrongly diagnosed. I'm not sure which is worse - the original doctor's actions or the one who refused to help.

 

I believe that most psychiatrists are so entrenched in their paradigm that they honestly believe they are doing the right thing. Many (most?) are taking the drugs themselves or have family on them. Any challenges to their paradigm are likely very threatening on a number of fronts. I'm not defending their actions or lack of inclination to further educate themselves in any way. It's their reality.

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Aria

Barb,

 

Yes, the new pdoc said I was fine and didn't need any psych drugs but I couldn't c/t off all of them at once''' He said I'd be OK just taking benadryl (what""). Which was worse?? The new pdoc was mean as hell but returning to the original pdoc was creepy (he was ssooo condescending). Geez.

 

Pdocs reality? Sadly, it is all they know. :wacko:

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mattinsmom

Amy,

 

Absolutely beautiful'' I can relate. I was on 6 psych drugs and had c/t Seroquel after being told by the original prescribng pdoc "there won't be a problem doing this". When I was determined to be drug free and I went to a new pdoc for the needed drugs to taper. He said I wasn't mentally ill, had never been mentally ill and no way he would give me the drugs I needed to taper. I had to crawl back to the orignal pdoc to get the drugs which make me feel terrible.

 

I can also relate to the family stepping aside when the poly drugging started. I don't think they knew what to do with me as I slowly disappeared on psych drugs.

 

No, it doesn't make sense. I was so very very angry for a long time and still am to a smaller degree. I've written about is on my Intro and you'll see the many similarities that may be helpful? I got my clarity of mind back being drug free. Not the same but enough and I'm grateful. http://survivinganti...-psych-journey/

 

Aria

Thank you for sending me to your journey intro. I don't think I've done one yet. I'm not really sure what I would put in it. "Hi, I'm Amy. I was crazy until I wasn't." One of these days I will sit and put pen to paper so to speak. I'm not sure I am ready to look more closely at my journey just yet. It will come. I do appreciate your sharing, it is nice (in a weird way) to hear other people's journeys. I wish those stories didn't exist but I'm glad that there is a place for them, a place for them to be heard and a place for them to help other people find their own stories. 

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mattinsmom

Barb,

 

Yes, the new pdoc said I was fine and didn't need any psych drugs but I couldn't c/t off all of them at once''' He said I'd be OK just taking benadryl (what""). Which was worse?? The new pdoc was mean as hell but returning to the original pdoc was creepy (he was ssooo condescending). Geez.

 

Pdocs reality? Sadly, it is all they know. :wacko:

Benadryl makes me so mean. I hear the most wicked things come from my mouth and I cannot stop them. 

I think there is a specia lpdoc course in condescending attitudes. 

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btdt

"As more and more of us inform the media, doctors, friends maybe just maybe it'll change. I do see this already."

 

Aria,

 

This statement of yours I agree with wholeheartedly.  There HAS to be a reason we went through this awful experience.  I have to believe it is to learn from it and then help others who are going through it, and to help others NOT to go through it.  The presence of blogs like SA and beyondmeds and lots of other information on-line helps other people doing a little research before they put a drug into their body think twice.

 

I didn't have the luxury of the internet like I am sure is the case for most of us here.  I am grateful for the internet for this reason.  

 

To btdt,

 

I sincerely hope that I didn't offend you.  That was and would never be my intention.  I went to the topic of "Finding Meaning" on this blog because that is what I try to do everyday--to understand what this life is all about.  What Roads said resonated with me in some way and I always thank people who put out there something that helps me along my journey.

 

I can most definitely understand your hurt, your anger.  You are still reeling.  I know that feeling.  Please understand that I meant no harm and only wish others well no matter what.  I do sincerely wish you well.

While I can understand you mean no harm and I understand being in a place where any further dealing with this topic needs to be dropped cause it threatens to consume a person and derail any potential healing.  Walking away for a time so you can heal is not the same as giving a free pass to the ones responsible for the damage.  I too can only take small bits of this still 7 years later but if and when I do look at it in all honesty I can't say it is ok. 

It is not ok now it was not ok then it will never be ok.  It was not ok for me it is not ok for kids it is not ok for anyone.  If my life was derailed and completely turned around for a reason... like I am about to save the rest of the world from taking these drugs... it has not become apparent yet.  All that is apparent is all the damage and loss.  Not just to me but to all those who love and depend on me.  Forgiveness sure you could forgive anything maybe... jury is out on this if forgiveness mean you let it continue to happen to others when you know the pain and lies of it all then no... I have none of that.  If I am going to muster any forgiveness it is going to be for myself... for all the things I did to stay alive while I was completely messed up on drugs. That is where my forgiveness is owed.  

When I think of all the people given these type of drugs for pain like I was when I see ads that say oh depression hurts... I think bullsh*t... pain hurt sure I had never damage in my leg from a car accident that did not go away... that is what got me drugged... and every day people are given these drugs for pain... hey maybe nerve pain in their leg... at this point I still have nerve pain in my leg this is since 1985 I have had nerve pain in my leg... lol the antidepressants did not stop the pain... I still have it and now it is understood to come from discs in my back... after all that... 

 

I started with pain in my leg... prozac 2 wks ... suicidal in emerg... 2-3 years withdrawal from 2wks use got me more antidepressants for insomnia... ect.. off and on 18 years... it will be 7 years I have been off cold turkey on Nov 17 2013.  I am not better... I doubt I ever will be at this point I am thinking it is permanent.  I understand you may be at appoint to let you doc off the hook or to move away in order to heal somethings inside yourself like you nervous system... don't be surprised if at some time in the future you come back to this just as I have.  When in survival mode I had to let it go or I would not be here now.  So I did now I am back to it. 

 

As for my doc I had couple by the time I quit one said stop taking Effexor as it was causing me problems the other said no way can't quit it they never agreed.  At the time I was having symptoms of MS / Parkinsons... 

and it was getting worse not better.  So I quit. I suffered hard and long got to a better place but not healed or normal have all the issues other have with meds and a changed body brain...memory forget about it.  Shut down and just can't and that goes for everything mental and phsyical... no idea why I just shut down.. my body parts shake and jerk... still I have pain still. 

My shrink... I seen him for more than a year after I quit... while I was suffering cold turkey some days I barely made it he offered more drugs which I refused.  I had found pp and was taking him papers... not once did he say any paper I took to him was relevant.  The big concession I got out of him after a year of listening to me and reading the sheets I took him... he finally agreed that people taking these drugs should be warned of mania... yep that was it. 

 

And I am sure today it is exactly the same in his office as it was the day I went in. 

 

I don't think there is any reason for all my suffering for all of the suffering by all the people in the world who are conned by these drug pushers... no reason except some scientist wanted to see what this drug would do to humans... and pharma went I think there is some money in this... 

 

fame...... greed...... prestige   There is your reason... why because they can... and nobody stops them... cause they have all the power... sorry I can't sugar coat it and maybe I should for all the brains still healing..... if your messed up... walk away from this till your a bit better cause it is a revolving door ... you will be back there will be time for this later when you better... that is my advice... walk. 

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Zephyr

http://www.abc.net.au/news/2013-11-27/growing-concerns-over-side-effects-of-seroquel/5120554

 

Growing concerns over side-effects and soaring prescription rates of psychiatric drug Seroquel
By Louise Milligan

Updated Wed 27 Nov 2013, 8:27pm AEDT

There are growing concerns about the side-effects of a top-selling anti-psychotic, with ambulance call-outs for emergencies involving the drug skyrocketing over the past decade.

Quetiapine, commonly marketed as Seroquel, has become a blockbuster pharmaceutical both in Australia and internationally.

Despite being an anti-psychotic drug, meant initially to be used to treat only serious conditions such as schizophrenia and bipolar disorder, it has become one of the highest-selling medications of any kind.

The drug is increasingly being prescribed for a range of conditions - anything from sleep disturbance to anorexia - but there is a growing body of concern about the harmful and disturbing side-effects it can cause.

Musician Heidi Everett has been on Seroquel, which acts as a powerful sedative, for a decade.

She started on a dose of 1,000 milligrams a day - more than three times the daily dose recommended by Australia's Therapeutic Goods Administration.

"I was in a chemical straitjacket. I was a zombie for 24 hours a day, sleeping incredibly long. When I did finally get out of bed, it was a struggle to get to the kitchen," she told 7.30.

I was in a chemical straitjacket. I was a zombie for 24 hours a day, sleeping incredibly long.

Heidi Everett

 

"And then what happens on Seroquel is that it freezes your muscles and shuts your muscle system down. So, it's really hard to walk. And when I did walk I had no control over my ability to stop walking, so I walked into walls."

Ms Everett also developed a heart condition, known as tachycardia.

"It's where your heart starts beating extremely fast and out of control. And I don't mean just a little flurry, I mean for two or three hours of extreme ... heart rate," she said.

'There have been recorded deaths'

Matthew Frei, the clinical director at Melbourne's Turning Point Drug and Alcohol Centre, says he has seen some worrying developments with the drug over the past few years.

"We were seeing people getting toxicity from the drug. So that's things like over-sedation, collapse, and even over-dosage where people required admission to hospital," he said.

"There have been recorded deaths as well."

He asked epidemiologist Belinda Lloyd to look into ambulance data to see how often the drug was showing up.

"We examined quetiapine-related ambulance attendances over a 10-year period," Ms Lloyd said.

We were seeing people getting toxicity from the drug... There have been recorded deaths as well.

Matthew Frei

 

"And looked at those in the context of other drugs that are used for the same purpose and in the same drug group. And what we found was a really substantial increase over the decade in people being attended by ambulance as a result of inappropriate quetiapine use."

In the decade to 2011, ambulance attendances for emergencies associated with the drug rose from 32 a year to 589 a year - something not seen with other similar anti-psychotics.

Victorian Coroners Court statistics for the past three years show it contributed to 10 per cent of drug deaths.

Mr Frei says a black market in the drug has emerged.

"People prescribed the drug [are] giving it, selling it, trading it with friends who aren't prescribed the drug," he said.

Questions over soaring rate of prescriptions

Seroquel, sold by pharmaceutical giant AstraZeneca, initially excited the medical community as it seemed a promising alternative to more addictive sedatives like Valium.

Medicare statistics show that in Australia, the prescribing of Seroquel grew from about 1,500 scripts a year in 2000 to almost a million by the end of last year.

The trend is not mirrored by other anti-psychotics, and forensic psychiatrist Erik Monasterio from the University of Otago says that raises questions.

"How has it come about that a medication that's designed for the treatment of a very rare condition has become so popular? That is the ultimate question that needs to be answered," he said.

I think of it as the Swiss Army Knife drug ... it has all these different tools within the one tool for different applications.

Iain McGregor

 

University of Sydney psychopharmacologist Professor Iain McGregor has charted the explosion in use of the drug for a host of maladies for which it is not approved or intended.

"We see quetiapine being used in anxiety, it's used in depression, it's being used for insomnia, it's used a lot in people who have drug and alcohol problems, it's used in things like anorexia nervosa," he said.

"Just about any condition where there's an emotional problem, you'll find quetiapine being used these days.

"I think of it as the Swiss Army Knife drug ... it has all these different tools within the one tool for different applications."

Until last year, Seroquel was the fifth-largest selling pharmaceutical of any kind, generating $6 billion in global sales for its manufacturer, AstraZeneca.

In 2012, the patent for Seroquel expired and AstraZeneca's sales plummeted. But it is estimated that sales of the generic drug quetiapine have only increased since then because it is so much cheaper.

AstraZeneca says Australians benefit from drug, champions its appropriate use

In the United States, AstraZeneca has been hauled through the courts.

In 2010, the company paid $520 million for marketing the drug off-label and for the debilitating side-effects patients experienced.

"It came to light that during the approvals process, AstraZeneca covered up some of the major side-effects of Seroquel in order to get it easily approved," Professor McGregor said.

In a statement to 7.30, AstraZeneca says it does not promote the off-label use of Seroquel.

Our focus is to support prescribers to champion the appropriate use of medicine and ensure that patients receive this treatment only when there is a clear medical rationale for doing so.

AstraZeneca

 

"Quetiapine fumarate is a proven and effective medicine for its registered indications of schizophrenia, bipolar disorder, major depressive disorder and generalised anxiety disorder," the statement said.

"The medicine has been independently reviewed and licensed by the Therapeutic Goods Administration for these conditions. It is a fact that thousands of Australians have benefitted for being able to access this treatment for what are often difficult and complex mental health disorders.

"Our focus is to support prescribers to champion the appropriate use of medicine and ensure that patients receive this treatment only when there is a clear medical rationale for doing so.

"AstraZeneca does not promote or condone any use of quetiapine fumarate which is not consistent with the registered or approved indications."

Side-effects include weight gain and diabetes

In its US television commercials, AstraZeneca now includes long disclosures about a whole range of side-effects caused by the drug.

"Elderly dementia patients taking Seroquel XR have an increased risk of death. Call your doctor if you have fever, stiff muscles and confusion," one commercial said.

The biggest side-effect is explosive weight gain and diabetes.

"I was about 60 kilos before I was diagnosed and I went up to about 120 kilos afterwards," Ms Everett said.

The worst of the side-effects is, of course, death. Quetiapine has been associated with sudden heart failure.

A study in the Lancet medical journal tracking quetiapine patients in Finland over 10 years found some disturbing trends.

"They were more likely to be dead after 10 years than patients who were on other anti-psychotic drugs and there was also an increased risk of suicide as well," Professor McGregor said.

"This is one of the ironies with this massive increase in the prescription rate in Australia - when you stack it up against other medications and other treatments, it doesn't really stand out as a particularly good drug."

Patients should be aware that coming off quetiapine abruptly is not recommended and could cause side-effects. Anyone wishing to change their psychiatric medication should first consult their doctor.

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Littleredhead

Curiously, I don't read too many entries expressing anger at our previous doctors. I guess, relative to the nature of the sight, I can't think of too many posters who have shared many specifics of their doctor who first prescribed for them.Of course, nearly all of us have shared our experiences with doctors at large.I think back to the beginning for me, as a teen, and I gave one individual too much power because I thought he could help me. Over the years, as my condition fluctuated I wasn't entirely able to understand what was happening beyond suspicions that things weren't "right". I often felt that I was being guessed at, that my doctor didn't really know what he was doing.One time, almost a decade ago, I decided that my doctor had misjudged me and manuaevered to unpatient myself. Following doctors orders I stopped cold two medications and dramatically, hurriedly decreased another. I got much worse and at this time I had no counterintel to my doctor's interpretation that my terrifying symptoms only proved why I needed the meds. It's that familiar story.When I think of this man, the doctor, I am sometimes very angry at him. Sometimes afraid of him. Sometimes discouraged that I can never get justice. Sometimes I have day dreams of righting this wrong.I do not know what to do with the feelings I have. I brought them up with my therapist, but she is psychiatrist who mainly does psychotherapy, but still is a psychiatrist. I don't think she makes the ideal individual to process my feelings with, and I sometimes wonder if in the past she has well-meaningly poisoned an individual with pharmaceuticals. Stinks I go to a shrink to air issues with shrinks.I will never be what I would have been if I hadn't gone to the psychiatrist's office as a teen in 1997. I've done a lot of things in life that others would regret, and i regret them too, but all the impulsive and self destructive stuff doesn't weigh on me so much. I was under the influence of many Drugs and hadn't shown tendency towards those behaviors before or after Drugs.I choose to start on meds, I got worse and this guy got money and off scot free. More than anything in life, I regret ever meeting him. And if I told that too his face, I don't think he would care too much. I wish I could sue.I wonder, to others, when you think of your doctor do you have feelings of anger or betrayal or sadness?

Alex, I feel betrayal of almost all doctors anymore.  I feel betrayal because all the doctors I've ever seen regarding depression, have from the very first office visit, decided I needed medication to help me.  There were never questions about when depression started or when I first noticed it.  Right off the bat, I was told I had a chemical imbalance in my brain and needed medication to balance me so I wouldn't have to deal with depression.  That was in 1997.  I figured hey, this guy is a doctor and so I must listen to his knowledge and be grateful that he is going to help me to feel better.  How wrong I was.  I have been to several other doctor's  over the years, and all of them do nothing but push drugs.  I think anyone who harbors feelings of hatred or betrayal toward doctors is perfectly justified in their feelings.  It's about time that we patients start questioning the doctor's so called education on these medications, because what I've learned is that they mostly get their knowledge from drug reps who are only in the job for the money, and not to help people.  These drug companies and their reps are vultures who prey on human beings going through difficult situations in their lives, and the companies and the reps could care less about our health let alone our so called chemical imbalance.  

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alexjuice

It's true that they are predators in a sense but they think of themselves as samritans so it's very jacked up and thus best to keep away. They aren't trying to hurt you but there helping interventions are rather toxic, unfortunately.

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Abilifyneedhelp88

I have to say I rather HATE the spacebar because I just got finished writing you a note and it all DISAPPEARED...I agree with your thread about ALL of the feelings you describe so Well.....which have been so similar to mine and I thank you this thanksgiving for putting into words which are hard to express or describe...I appreciate that SOOOO Much....And I know you are not supposed to Hate anyone...but you know I just have to say...Well I dislike my Psyche Doctor present and past for all the "wonderful" work they did on my brain and body....In the name of "help"....They all should be put in front of the firing squad.....

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Roads

 

I am grateful towards my doctors, or more precisely towards the process they were part of and of which they were a mean. I don't want to waste my pain, my hatred, and my indignation. These are powerful energies I prefer to keep for myself and use their strength for my own achievement. They did me extreme harm, and I am thankful for that; for it gave me outstanding things that couldn't have been achieved in other ways. It was necessary. It was generous. It was beautiful. Now I see it all in an amused and excited way. Life, what is the next challenge? What will you give me next to empower me even more? One of the most precious things I have learnt is that duality and discrimination of experience according to their pleasant/unpleasant sensation is an illusion. Both can be a gift. Unpleasant ones on the whole can be very powerful donators. 

Behind all of that, there has never been anything but extreme generosity. I am completely amazed by it. 

LOL I was there once not to the extreme you are but once I was in a place a bit like that.  When I felt kind of well.  Guess what... got pushed down again by life and I am right back to... if I was not already messed by drugs given by those doctors my healing from this new hit would be "normal" " as expected... and doctors would not be taking a chance every time they gave me a pill"  Funny how things change on a dime. 

 

I am right back to enough is enough.  

I have had enough.  

You may as well keep all this... " my pain, my hatred, and my indignation" As it is not getting thru to doctors anyway... they are deaf and blind in case you have not noticed. 

 

I am curious how you have used these things to empower yourself seems to be a trick worth learning. 

 

I was no better when I wrote this. I was worse. Yes I will keep the benefit of these energies for myself. they are powerful and I am not interested in wasting them on doctors. They are not my enemies, but the collaborating pawns of a process wich strenghtened me. I really do not see the benefit in paying attention to them. 

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btdt

 

 

 

I am grateful towards my doctors, or more precisely towards the process they were part of and of which they were a mean. I don't want to waste my pain, my hatred, and my indignation. These are powerful energies I prefer to keep for myself and use their strength for my own achievement. They did me extreme harm, and I am thankful for that; for it gave me outstanding things that couldn't have been achieved in other ways. It was necessary. It was generous. It was beautiful. Now I see it all in an amused and excited way. Life, what is the next challenge? What will you give me next to empower me even more? One of the most precious things I have learnt is that duality and discrimination of experience according to their pleasant/unpleasant sensation is an illusion. Both can be a gift. Unpleasant ones on the whole can be very powerful donators. 

Behind all of that, there has never been anything but extreme generosity. I am completely amazed by it. 

Thank you, Roads, for this statement.  On my good days, that is definitely what I believe.  On bad days, I have to remember NOT to hate anyone, including the doctors.  If I think of myself as a victim, then I become one.

 

This is one of my favorite quotes and I think it belongs here:

 

"When a true genius appears, you can know him by this sign: that all the dunces are in a confederacy against him."  --Jonathan Swift

 

I have written on this blog that the majority of us are "sensitive" people.  That sensitivity is considered a weakness in our western society. But as I see it, we are actually lucky because enlightenment is tugging at our sleeves.  Being sensitive, we are open to receive.  We become the enlightened ones.  Feel bad for these docs who JUST DON'T SEE IT.  The dunces are lost in the dream, the illusion.  We are the "geniuses."

 

Wow the last two people are unbelievable to me.  I am trying to get my head around these two posters... and while I try I wonder if your both stoned.  

I am not trying to be a bad person here I am not joking either... are you using some other type of drug that is changing how your mind works?  

This is so far from my sense of reality it is like your drugged or something it is alien to me.  

I would ask for clarification actually think I have already how you got to this place....?

I sense tho that I am not going to get it.  I could be wrong but other than some wild jump in my thinking which I no longer due since I am off the drugs... I can't see how you guys get here.

If there is some road you can take me down that is based on reason please lets see the map.  I don't get it and if it is possible to get there without a drug I would like to go there. 

 

Hi btdt,

 

First, let me say after reading your synopsis in your signature, well, all I can say is, WOW.  You are have been quite a lot and I sincerely feel for you!  You got put on psych meds for physical pain!  Jeez.  From reading the blogs, and from one other person I met, it is actually too common an occurrence.

 

I can understand your anger, and yes, if you read my introductory post, I had my anger too and I could write a hundred more essays about the subject.  But what good does it do me to just be stewed in anger and not move forward to a better life, now without these drugs?  Although I am not feeling all that great at the moment with this unrelenting all day everyday vertigo and anxiety from that--I am better today then I was then.  If I try to be in the past and in the future with my thinking, not only does it get me nowhere, it causes me further anxiety and loss of sleep.

 

I stay in the moment for dear life.

 

I don't know if you didn't like my quote, but I do feel that way.  No matter what I say to this doctor now, she is still convinced I would be better off on her drugs for example, when I was having trouble just turning my sleep schedule around to be a day person again.  It is always the answer for her and too many of these doctors.  She got angry when I asked to her read a book by Dr. Peter Breggin, who is a psychiatrist who has spoken out about these drugs since the 1970's.  See: breggin.com and just watch his short videos and in them he basically says that these doctors are LAZY.  That people do not need these drugs, they just need someone to listen to them and then help them from there.

 

So, yes, I call her and her ilk, dunces.  I call anyone a dunce who is not open to new ideas.  I call anyone a dunce who continues to hurt others when there is mounting evidence that what they are doing is absolutely wrong and they continue to it.  Karma is a *****, you know.  What goes around comes around.  And what I mean by that is:  It is my belief that what we do to others will come back to us.  If we do good, good will come back to us.  If we do bad, bad will come back to us.

 

So yes, as a spiritual being, I do feel bad for these doctors who just don't see what they are doing to others and then ultimately to themselves.  Their spiritual development is retarded by their actions.

 

I refuse to hurt myself any further by allowing hate to enter and make residence in my heart.

 

I do wish you healing and love.  I hope I made myself understood a little here.

 

wow you have been doing this a long time 1977 36 years... I thought 23-24 years was over the top. 

Your health and homeostasis has been hard won keep on the path.  Take it however it comes and deal you really have no other choice really if you want to be drug free and allow your body to heal as much as it will.  I wish for you room to do the healing needed and support when you need it... 

Hey if you don't get the support come here and seek. 

I don't know that I actually feel any hate... that is a strong word.. there are times I feel hate I guess but more on behalf of others when I see them in the thick of this horrid systems being destroyed... some are actually destroyed then Yes I feel hate.  

Sandy Hook School the day that went down there is no other word for it... that day I hated the people who put kids on these drugs... who wouldn't. 

 

I was in no way offended by your post I have read Breggan's books blog and listened to his testamony before congress on veterans and many other videos been doing this a long time so I have all kinds of time to see many things.  I have a few gurus he is not my fav... but he is ok

peace to you

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Roads

 

I am grateful towards my doctors, or more precisely towards the process they were part of and of which they were a mean. I don't want to waste my pain, my hatred, and my indignation. These are powerful energies I prefer to keep for myself and use their strength for my own achievement. They did me extreme harm, and I am thankful for that; for it gave me outstanding things that couldn't have been achieved in other ways. It was necessary. It was generous. It was beautiful. Now I see it all in an amused and excited way. Life, what is the next challenge? What will you give me next to empower me even more? One of the most precious things I have learnt is that duality and discrimination of experience according to their pleasant/unpleasant sensation is an illusion. Both can be a gift. Unpleasant ones on the whole can be very powerful donators. 

Behind all of that, there has never been anything but extreme generosity. I am completely amazed by it. 

Thank you, Roads, for this statement.  On my good days, that is definitely what I believe.  On bad days, I have to remember NOT to hate anyone, including the doctors.  If I think of myself as a victim, then I become one.

 

This is one of my favorite quotes and I think it belongs here:

 

"When a true genius appears, you can know him by this sign: that all the dunces are in a confederacy against him."  --Jonathan Swift

 

I have written on this blog that the majority of us are "sensitive" people.  That sensitivity is considered a weakness in our western society. But as I see it, we are actually lucky because enlightenment is tugging at our sleeves.  Being sensitive, we are open to receive.  We become the enlightened ones.  Feel bad for these docs who JUST DON'T SEE IT.  The dunces are lost in the dream, the illusion.  We are the "geniuses."

 

 

There is only one "we" for me, and it encompasses everything that is. I refuse to consider myself separate from beings by reason of a so-called enlightment. I don't want "geniuses" and "dunces". This is ego. Every soul is already enlightened. Everything is already accomplished. I would like to explain but I am too feeble to do it properly now.

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MissSerene

I can't say how much this string of posts is helping me. It's funny -- with the isolation, frustration, and fear w/d brings -- that I imagine I'm alone in feeling bad...and in the notion that I'm having a completely original emotional or spiritual insight into the nature of my problem or how to view and cope with it. LOL. I am SO glad to be in company with others who share and get it. Thank each of you, from my heart. Even as posters recognize the damage you are suffering -- including cognitive -- I am blown away by how articulate and passionate you are.It's obvious that healing is happening. You are powerful and beautiful.

 

Often, I get caught between, "I'm really sick with this w/d," and, "I want to stop thinking of myself as sick or victimized." Sometimes it's helpful to come here and read, and other times it intensifies my fear and self-identification as ill and defeated (NOT because of anything anyone says....but with my own thinking). I'm trying to balance acknowledging the trouble and not letting it define me or swamp my thoughts. Want to be able to see the truth of how things went wrong while putting energy into a new, healthier future, and believing this future will be just as real as the long struggle.

 

I, too, hope this journey has meaning so I can warn family and friends about drug dangers and suggest that people get help exploring and healing their pain -- and learn new behaviors -- without meds. But it's hard for people to heed this. Many of us are looking for a quick solution to complex problems, and families and friends don't have the time, energy, or knowledge to give the care needed. We're so busy just living life that we don't realize how saturated we are with the "like insulin for diabetes" paradigm. I have an identical twin sister whose "mental illness" and medicine maze have been MUCH worse than mine, and I'm terrified about the long-term effects on her. I want her to have the joy she deserves, and I'm petrified of losing her to debility or early death. I've told her I am tapering off my med and my reasons for doing so, but I don't urge to do likewise. She is the busy mother of a teenage daughter and doesn't want to risk, right now, the destabilization that would undoubtedly come with trying to wean off three meds.

 

Sometimes I feel like a lonely guinea pig of 20th century medicine; but then I remember all the other souls through history whose ailments have been treated with misguided fixes. Though intellectually I know my doctor wasn't trying to hurt me and was doing the best he knew, great harm occurred, and now it's up to me to see and address it. At times my losses just appear absurd and I'm angry and flummoxed, and other days I can see them as a springboard to greater awareness, self-care, and connection with others. Living with love in this mixed bag for me is an hour-to-hour enterprise. One foot, one honest appraisal, and one new choice in front of the other.

 

Again, I am happily awestruck by the aliveness of people here. Healing is happening.

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Aria

Sometimes I feel like a lonely guinea pig of 20th century medicine; but then I remember all the other souls through history whose ailments have been treated with misguided fixes. Though intellectually I know my doctor wasn't trying to hurt me and was doing the best he knew, great harm occurred, and now it's up to me to see and address it. At times my losses just appear absurd and I'm angry and flummoxed, and other days I can see them as a springboard to greater awareness, self-care, and connection with others. Living with love in this mixed bag for me is an hour-to-hour enterprise. One foot, one honest appraisal, and one new choice in front of the other.Again, I am happily awestruck by the aliveness of people here. Healing is happening.

 

I felt like a guinea pig too and now look back thinking how in the world did I believe what I was told by this so called physician?? Have I come out knowing more about what I so wish I never did?? Yes. Letting our feelings be expressed and working with them is helpful with what we are going through and have gone through.

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Bellisimo

Hey Alex

 

I understand your anger and im like you aswell!

today i have no trust at all at doctors, im actually scared go talk to them, im scared tell em some of my symtoms bc i know what kind of diagnos they wud put on me instead of listen to me and understand everything is not about a diagnos, going thru abstinens and doc think u are having millions of diagnoses, what kind of world is this? never thought it cud be this bad when i first started my medicine, i realise it changed my life for good and i now have to rebuild my life from the ground and cannot trust docs longer at all or anyone.. have to do this alone with other people having the same...

 

but i soo understand your anger!! This is not humanity what we are going thru and its not humanity that we cant find support from docs either being afraid theu will put u on another medcine and give u another diagnos and so on, it never stops...

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btdt

I can't say how much this string of posts is helping me. It's funny -- with the isolation, frustration, and fear w/d brings -- that I imagine I'm alone in feeling bad...and in the notion that I'm having a completely original emotional or spiritual insight into the nature of my problem or how to view and cope with it. LOL. I am SO glad to be in company with others who share and get it. Thank each of you, from my heart. Even as posters recognize the damage you are suffering -- including cognitive -- I am blown away by how articulate and passionate you are.It's obvious that healing is happening. You are powerful and beautiful.

 

Often, I get caught between, "I'm really sick with this w/d," and, "I want to stop thinking of myself as sick or victimized." Sometimes it's helpful to come here and read, and other times it intensifies my fear and self-identification as ill and defeated (NOT because of anything anyone says....but with my own thinking). I'm trying to balance acknowledging the trouble and not letting it define me or swamp my thoughts. Want to be able to see the truth of how things went wrong while putting energy into a new, healthier future, and believing this future will be just as real as the long struggle.

 

I, too, hope this journey has meaning so I can warn family and friends about drug dangers and suggest that people get help exploring and healing their pain -- and learn new behaviors -- without meds. But it's hard for people to heed this. Many of us are looking for a quick solution to complex problems, and families and friends don't have the time, energy, or knowledge to give the care needed. We're so busy just living life that we don't realize how saturated we are with the "like insulin for diabetes" paradigm. I have an identical twin sister whose "mental illness" and medicine maze have been MUCH worse than mine, and I'm terrified about the long-term effects on her. I want her to have the joy she deserves, and I'm petrified of losing her to debility or early death. I've told her I am tapering off my med and my reasons for doing so, but I don't urge to do likewise. She is the busy mother of a teenage daughter and doesn't want to risk, right now, the destabilization that would undoubtedly come with trying to wean off three meds.

 

Sometimes I feel like a lonely guinea pig of 20th century medicine; but then I remember all the other souls through history whose ailments have been treated with misguided fixes. Though intellectually I know my doctor wasn't trying to hurt me and was doing the best he knew, great harm occurred, and now it's up to me to see and address it. At times my losses just appear absurd and I'm angry and flummoxed, and other days I can see them as a springboard to greater awareness, self-care, and connection with others. Living with love in this mixed bag for me is an hour-to-hour enterprise. One foot, one honest appraisal, and one new choice in front of the other.

 

Again, I am happily awestruck by the aliveness of people here. Healing is happening.

" I am blown away by how articulate and passionate you are.It's obvious that healing is happening. You are powerful and beautiful."

 

articulate passionate powerful and beautiful is what we have always been what we were meant to be sharing with the world all our lives... 

 

These are only part of the things that drugs have taken not only from us but from those who love us who we love and the rest of the world I don't see how that could be viewed as anything other than a tragic waste of a human life expression....and life.

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