☼ antoinette -- lexapro withdrawal

[alex]

I do want to say, I am about 60 % better than I was a year ago today, so I just want everyone to know it does happen. 

 

That is so good A; I'm having rough times also, but compared to what it was 1 year ago, it's much better.

I don't think nobody could survive this if it wouldn't get better.(forgive my english)

 

Sending love and healing vibes, A.

[Altostrata]

Studies have found much of postpartum depression is because of new mothers feeling isolated. What you might want to do is join a prospective mothers support group, or, if you have good relations with your relatives, let them know you might want their company after the baby is born.

[antoinette]

Hi everyone,

It has been awhile and I wanted to give an update. Things have been "ok". A struggle but way better then I was a year ago. I am due to give birth April 25th with my 3rd child. Last week I was in the worst wave I have felt since acute. It was terrible. I still get the worst intrusive thoughts and am now dealing with the guilt of everything I have ever done wrong while on the drugs. My mind won't stop replaying it and I have the most intense urges to make amends with everyone I have ever hurt including my boyfriend. This would not be a good thing as he would leave me. I feel terrible. If anyone has experienced this I would love to hear about it. Meanwhile I still have the same lingering symptoms, depression, horrible anxiety, racing thoughts, intrusive thoughts and so on. Last week was so bad I almost gave in and got on a med. I did see the doctor and told him about what was going on but he said it's pry my hormones and it will pass. I sobbed all week and could not get out of my head. It was sheer terror. This week I am feeling a tad better. I'm so afraid of getting ppd and I think that is doing my head in. The what ifs are taking over and I question everything, what if I get so bad I will be hospitalized again? And how will I cope with this with a newborn? If I get so bad and needs meds? But that is pry useless considering my history and adverse reactions. It just goes on and on and I'm frightened. I know I can't predict the future but I just feel like physically and mentally having the baby will set me back. I hate to think know this way but judging any life changes or hormonal changes in the past, my body and mind freak out. Thanks everyone for listening and any advice would be awesome. Hugs and healing to all.

[Muddles]

Antoinette - I developed OCD while on antidepressants....horrible thoughts. It's the withdrawal - if they come, let them be there but just try and take no notice. Don't fight them...try and laugh at them and say - "oh my god, like I would ever do or think such things".....it's the drugs, it's not me. Then go and give your kids a hug.

 

I relate to what you say about feeling like your on LSD....that's how I feel everyday. Torture!!!

[Muddles]

Sorry- I've read your past posts and see that they were from a while ago.

 

You've come a long way from your terrible withdrawal. Hormones will play a big part on how you're feeling but I truly think you will get through it. Maybe read some good books on anxiety and depression or talk to a therapist to help you through this tough time?

Sorry to hear you are struggling.

 

I had PND after my children - all hormonal related. I struggled and was offered Prozac....but was too scared and figured they wouldn't help with the hormone problems. I was better after about 3 months.

 

Stay around and we will support you. Feel free to message me anytime. You are stronger that what you think.....look at what you have come through and survived.

[antoinette]

Thank you muddles! I appreciate your feedback. As you know this is so difficult.

[antoinette]

***

[Altostrata]

antoinette, please go to http://meetup.com

and join groups for new moms in your area, for support.

 

Every new mom needs people around her who understand.

[antoinette]

Will do. Was supposed to have a friend I met in a group come here and stay but that went south. I'm just hoping I don't get horrible because I already feel horrible.

[Muddles]

Are you in the uk? If so I can recommend a couple of organizations that couple help.

 

I use to be a volunteer for one. They were brilliant.

[Altostrata]

Being around people who are sympathetic about your pregnancy will be soothing to your nervous system.

[antoinette]

Middles no I'm not. Thank you alto, I have been getting a lot of support thankfully.

[Muddles]

Just wondered how you are doing antoinette?

[antoinette]

Hey everyone. Its been 30 mos since my cold turkey and severe adverse reaction of lexapro. I've had some good windows and a lot of improvement, but things are still slow. For now my biggest complaints are, obsessional thinking and compulsions, fear, panic, intrusive thoughts, dp/dr and a few lingering things, but others have gotten so much better. Just wanted to check in and hoping for more healing for all of us!

[Petunia]

Thank you for the update antoinette, I'm glad you have had some improvement, its great to hear that some of your symptoms have got a lot better.

 

Next time you check in, please would you put your drug and withdrawal history in your signature.  Putting a short version of your drug and tapering history in your signature helps people understand your context, it appears below each of your posts.  Here are instructions for how to do it:

 

http://survivinganti...your-signature/

 

Wishing you continued healing.

[Altostrata]

Very happy to hear you're doing better. I added our cheerful "here comes the sun" symbol

 

☼

 

to the title of your Intro topic, to show you're recovering.

 

Please continue to let us know how you're doing. I hope you will add your story to our Recovery Success Stories eventually!

[antoinette]

Thank you! I bet I will be adding my story within the next couple months to the recovery section. Even since I wrote last I've had more healing, the good days outweigh the bad and things are really coming along. I thought I had more of a chance winning the lottery than saying I was doing ok. I was so severe and I want everyone to know that it indeed happens. Keep hanging on, life is good.

[Altostrata]

Hello, antoinette, how are you doing now?

[antoinette]

Hello alto and every one of you warriors. In June it was 36 months off of the poison lexapro. As I wrote here, I cold turkeyed in march of 2012 and developed severe withdrawal. I had been on it and others for 12 years, but lexapro always remained the one I was on the longest. Effexor I was on for about 5 years, and cold turkeyed it with no problems, probably because I was on the lexapro as well.

 

Anyway, after I reinstated the lexapro in may of 2012 I suffered an adverse reaction right away. I developed psychosis, suicidal, homicidal/intrusive thoughts and urges, derealization so bad I didn't know who or where I was, anger, panic, and agitation so severe all I could think about was killing myself. The akathesia was so bad that I admitted myself into the psych ward. I was there for 6 weeks that summer, and had lost 70 lbs in 3 months.

 

When I came out of there I was still extremely suicidal and depressed. My intrusive thoughts were so bad I was afraid to be home. It took everything I had to not go back. The first 2 years were absolute hell and how I got through...it took sheer strength from what you all know.

 

I had to distract all day. From the moment I woke up with the cortisol mornings after about 2 hours of sleep, to when I went to bed I obsessively cleaned my house all day. That was the symptom of akathesia and I became extremely obsessive and "ocd" like. I had not only the violent intrusive thoughts, but others about cleaning, ruminations, to where my brain would feel like it would explod . I'm surprised it didn't.

 

I had 2 kids at this time and I was so HORRIFIED to be around them at this point. Every second of the day felt like a month and like I said above it was hell on earth. I didn't sleep, didn't eat, didn't shower, my clothes hung off me, I had lost so much weight and in the mean time we lost our savings from me not working, took time off work, almost lost it all. Everything was affected. I mean everythin .

 

The time in the drugs I made so many bad decisions, drinking, cheating, not paying bills, not being the best person and mom I could be.

 

I had to start all over in withdrawal and had no other choice but to put a foot in front of the other every day. I was so depressed, and god forbid if my period came, I would be even more suicidal and depressed if that was even possible.

 

I started everyday doing one little thing that could distract me and let the time pass. Whether it was cooking, or rearranging my house, scrapbooking, anything. I did it. I felt no satisfaction whatsoever for the first 2 years but I did it anyway.

 

At month 27 I had a 3 week window of pure bliss, that was my first one. Only for it to slam shut and not come back for a couple of months. That is how it began. Soon, I found myself enjoying things a little more, things feeling a tiny bit easier, symptoms diminishing or going, new ones popping up, everything was changing and I had a little bit of hope. FINALLY.

 

Today I am about 80 percent healed. I will have a week or 2 every couple months that are hell and I think oh please don't come back. The truth is, that I will never be that bad again. It always goes. When you are in it you can't see that. It feels like your reality and you will forever be this way. I am here to tell you that it indeed gets better. I still have to be extremely careful. I can't do too much, have to make sure u get sleep, no strenuous activities besides swimming and def no drinking (I never will again) I had a glass of wine a year ago and wasn't right after that for 3 months. I was feeling good and thought oh what the heck...bad idea. I won't ever touch it again.

 

During all of this I became pregnant. I was so devastated I almost gave her up for adoption. I'm so thankful I didn't. She has brought us so much happiness and I was given a second chance at being a mom, since I failed so poorly with my other 2.

 

I am now in college to be a cognitive behavioral therapist. I did this therapy in the beginning of withdrawal, per the psych ward recommendations, and they had to drag me there. At the time when I would go I would sit in there and be hysterical. I did take a lot in but now I live my life by what they taught me. It is one of the things that saved my life.

 

I have cut needless people out of my life, quit my career after 16 years and work at a dry cleaning place and going to school. When we go through something like this it forever puts life into perspective and what matters and what doesn't. My calling now is to help people. I promised myself that if I ever got through this o would in turn make sure that I would pay it forward.

 

For every single one of you on here...you will heal. It does get better. You will never look at life the same way again. I can't say I am fully healed, I still have some ocd intrusive thoughts from the drugs, and sleep issues, and some anxiety. I will have a week or so here and there of bad symptoms and it goes again. I just wanted to post an update. Life is pretty darn good and will only get better.

 

Love and healing.

 

Antoinette

[Altostrata]

Thank you, Antoinette. What you're doing is brilliant. You can help so many people.

[Purplestars22]

Antoinette, congratulations on healing and thriving from your wd experience. You will be a great therapist and have much insight, empathy and knowledge to offer from what you have gone through. From here on I wish you continued sucess and more healing to happen.

[kuppy4750]

Hello alto and every one of you warriors. In June it was 36 months off of the poison lexapro. As I wrote here, I cold turkeyed in march of 2012 and developed severe withdrawal. I had been on it and others for 12 years, but lexapro always remained the one I was on the longest. Effexor I was on for about 5 years, and cold turkeyed it with no problems, probably because I was on the lexapro as well.

 

Anyway, after I reinstated the lexapro in may of 2012 I suffered an adverse reaction right away. I developed psychosis, suicidal, homicidal/intrusive thoughts and urges, derealization so bad I didn't know who or where I was, anger, panic, and agitation so severe all I could think about was killing myself. The akathesia was so bad that I admitted myself into the psych ward. I was there for 6 weeks that summer, and had lost 70 lbs in 3 months.

 

When I came out of there I was still extremely suicidal and depressed. My intrusive thoughts were so bad I was afraid to be home. It took everything I had to not go back. The first 2 years were absolute hell and how I got through...it took sheer strength from what you all know.

 

I had to distract all day. From the moment I woke up with the cortisol mornings after about 2 hours of sleep, to when I went to bed I obsessively cleaned my house all day. That was the symptom of akathesia and I became extremely obsessive and "ocd" like. I had not only the violent intrusive thoughts, but others about cleaning, ruminations, to where my brain would feel like it would explod . I'm surprised it didn't.

 

I had 2 kids at this time and I was so HORRIFIED to be around them at this point. Every second of the day felt like a month and like I said above it was hell on earth. I didn't sleep, didn't eat, didn't shower, my clothes hung off me, I had lost so much weight and in the mean time we lost our savings from me not working, took time off work, almost lost it all. Everything was affected. I mean everythin .

 

The time in the drugs I made so many bad decisions, drinking, cheating, not paying bills, not being the best person and mom I could be.

 

I had to start all over in withdrawal and had no other choice but to put a foot in front of the other every day. I was so depressed, and god forbid if my period came, I would be even more suicidal and depressed if that was even possible.

 

I started everyday doing one little thing that could distract me and let the time pass. Whether it was cooking, or rearranging my house, scrapbooking, anything. I did it. I felt no satisfaction whatsoever for the first 2 years but I did it anyway.

 

At month 27 I had a 3 week window of pure bliss, that was my first one. Only for it to slam shut and not come back for a couple of months. That is how it began. Soon, I found myself enjoying things a little more, things feeling a tiny bit easier, symptoms diminishing or going, new ones popping up, everything was changing and I had a little bit of hope. FINALLY.

 

Today I am about 80 percent healed. I will have a week or 2 every couple months that are hell and I think oh please don't come back. The truth is, that I will never be that bad again. It always goes. When you are in it you can't see that. It feels like your reality and you will forever be this way. I am here to tell you that it indeed gets better. I still have to be extremely careful. I can't do too much, have to make sure u get sleep, no strenuous activities besides swimming and def no drinking (I never will again) I had a glass of wine a year ago and wasn't right after that for 3 months. I was feeling good and thought oh what the heck...bad idea. I won't ever touch it again.

 

During all of this I became pregnant. I was so devastated I almost gave her up for adoption. I'm so thankful I didn't. She has brought us so much happiness and I was given a second chance at being a mom, since I failed so poorly with my other 2.

 

I am now in college to be a cognitive behavioral therapist. I did this therapy in the beginning of withdrawal, per the psych ward recommendations, and they had to drag me there. At the time when I would go I would sit in there and be hysterical. I did take a lot in but now I live my life by what they taught me. It is one of the things that saved my life.

 

I have cut needless people out of my life, quit my career after 16 years and work at a dry cleaning place and going to school. When we go through something like this it forever puts life into perspective and what matters and what doesn't. My calling now is to help people. I promised myself that if I ever got through this o would in turn make sure that I would pay it forward.

 

For every single one of you on here...you will heal. It does get better. You will never look at life the same way again. I can't say I am fully healed, I still have some ocd intrusive thoughts from the drugs, and sleep issues, and some anxiety. I will have a week or so here and there of bad symptoms and it goes again. I just wanted to post an update. Life is pretty darn good and will only get better.

 

Love and healing.

 

Antoinette

Antoinette,

You my dear are a survivor! I am currently on week 9 of quitting lexapro. I weened myself off for over a year and a half and finally called it quits August 2015. I went through the usual withdrawal symptoms and it wasn't too bad. I have good days and enjoy being around friends and family, but when it is the start of a new week, I get anxious. I know that I will have to be alone again all day until my kids get home or hubby and I dread it. Sometimes I am good, I will wake up and take them and come home and sleep a little more and go about my anxious filled day, but its OK. Here lately though my hubby has been out of town for work a lot and that rattles me. But its OK. I haven't gone back to lexapro and am seeing a holistic doctor. It is nice to read that you are doing better! I am so thankful to read this. I feel we all need that reminder that it will get better. Time heals all. But liek yous aid, when you're in the moment it is too hard to think it will be better. I will be praying for you and will continue to follow your progress. Please post how your classes are going, I think you will be awesome at a CBT! 

[KT38]

Thank you for sharing your update.  I really really really needed to hear this today.  I have extreme hyperarousal and sensitivity to everything right now and really bad anger and anxiety.  It feels like there is a current running through my body with horrible sensations.  I had a really tough past 4 days with an extreme wave of this.  You saying you would just have to clean the house everyday reminds me of me because I am totally completely out of my mind and very afraid.  I only took ADs for 2 months, but had an adverse reaction to them, cold turkeyed and now I just completed 6 months off.  You will keep healing more Antointette!  Thanks again for the update!!!  You are a very strong woman!

[AliG]

 Antoinette,

 

This is inspiring.  You have not only survived this " hellish journey", but are now thriving and enjoying life again.  It's a very encouraging and uplifting update, and I hope everyone here gets to read this. You are indeed, paying it forward. Thank you for coming back to share this.  

 

I wish you continued success and healing.  

 

Ali.

[LoveandLight]

Beautiful. Have tears in my eyes reading this

[DaddyCee]

well done Antoinette. I am 24 months off from Lexapro / Escitalopram, it is a hard struggle at times but we are winning the war.

 

Namaste.

[antoinette]

Any one of you can message me anytime. I am not on here much anymore, but if I am allowed to post this here, you can look me up on Facebook, my name is antoinette beck from cuyahoga falls, Ohio. I don't mind talking or being support to anyone. I am in a wave right now, but that is ok, it will pass. My last one was from last February to march so I was due I guess lol. Its from stress and the holidays and a few other things. I do have hope it will go again and more healing will have taken ace. Even in this wave it is not as bad as it was the first 2 years. Everyone hang on this gets so much better and since I'm never on here anymore, find me on Facebook if you would like. I had a few messages when I got back on and have responded but don't want anyone to think I am ignoring them, I'm just living my life again. Alto if my information isn't allowed on here I understand. Hugs.

[Altostrata]

antoinette, if you post your personal information, some stranger might see it from the Internet. If I were you, I'd ask people to contact me in pms for the Facebook info. It's up to you.

 

Thank you so much for offering to support people.

 

Please be sure to pay it forward and post your success story when you feel you're ready.

[nz11]

wow what a success story ...this is one for the success stories right.

 

Congratulations and what a great calling.

[When91]

Hi Antoinette, I have felt much arrhythmia, digestive problems and so tired,do you feel that at some point in withdrawal? Thank you and congratulations for recovery.