Narcissus: just another Effexor story

[Rhiannon]

Ah, beautiful people, all of you!  Today was a little better.

 

Alex, I've never had any trouble with sleeping (thank god), I truly sympathize with those who do.

 

I know that right now it feels like this time is the one time it's never going to get better, it's never really been much better than this, and there's really no hope.  

 

You really have a strong grasp on the psychology of withdrawal, Rhi.

 

HA! It's called practice... :-)  been there oh, a few times... a few dozen times...

[Meimeiquest]

Narcissus, Just wanted to check in on how you are doing...

[Narcissus]

Still alive, still very much in withdrawal, thanks Meimequest.  As of today I'm going to start contributing again.  How are all my brave SA friends doing?

[Meimeiquest]

Great to hear from you! I know this will shock you, but there are a few of us STILL working this through

[Petunia]

Hi Narcissus,

I'm glad you are back and still alive   Sorry you are still in withdrawal though...... as are most of us here, in one way or another.

 

Are you still at 75mg?  Have you stabilized now?

 

Petu.

[Jemima]

I'm glad you're back, Narcissus.

[Narcissus]

^Thank you all.

 

Yes, Petu, I am still at 75 mgs.  I'm able to function and hold a part time job, so I suppose I've stabilized, yes.  I've been in a bad but not unbearable wave over the past month or so, I seem to just be getting out of it.  If I had to guess I'd say that it'll be another year before I'm really back to normal or close to normal.  I would've had a very hard time accepting this kind of time frame several months ago. By and large I think I've come to terms with being sick for the moment, even if I still struggle with it when things get bad.  

 

I have an acupuncture appointment tomorrow.  I'm trying not to expect much, but I really hope to find a little relief.  Wish me luck!

[Petunia]

I have an acupuncture appointment tomorrow.  I'm trying not to expect much, but I really hope to find a little relief.  Wish me luck!

 

Please let us know how this goes.  Quite a few members here have written that it does help with symptoms, I hope it brings some relief.

[Narcissus]

Just finished my first acupuncture session.  There were moments of discomfort throughout the session, but I must say, I'm experiencing quite a lot of relief at the moment.  So far I'm very impressed.  

[alex]

I am very glad for you Narcissus.

We will beat the beast.We are the pioneers, the man on the moon;the warriors (los guerreros)

 

I am with you my friend.A.

[Narcissus]

^Thank you, Alex.About an hour ago I began to feel a strain come on...now I'm in the midst of it, that feeling if inner tension and mounting anxiety from the early stages of withdrawal.  I am very frightened to be seeing this again.  I'm not sure if it was the acupuncture or the moxibustion I did an hour ago (per the acupuncturists recommendation).  I am thinking that it may be the latter, since I was more or less fine until I did it.  I looked it up and it's supposed to bring "warmth" to the body, so I'm thinking that it's activating.  Either way, I'm very concerned that I have regressed to an earlier and much more frighening part of the withdrawal process.  I really hope this doesn't have lasting effects.  Christ this is awful.

[alex]

This is awful and crazy indeed.

Yesterday I was having one of the worst days, and today I've had one of the best days...

Crazy, crazy stuff........

I am sorry Narcissus;we have to be extra careful with this awful condition.

But if you have the ability to sleep, your body will know what to do and tomorrow you'll be fine.

Don't let fear take over.

 

Hugs, A.

[Petunia]

  I'm not sure if it was the acupuncture or the moxibustion I did an hour ago (per the acupuncturists recommendation).

 

I had to look this up to find out what it was.  Two things which jumped out at me were 'stimulating' and 'adds energy', so it may be this.  Did you tell your therapist that you needed a calming treatment?

[Narcissus]

^Yes, I did, which I think he took into account for the acupuncture treatment.  But I think he's in the habit of recommending moxibustion to everyone and it may not have occurred to him that it was stimulating.  

 

On the other hand, the sharp wave I experienced last night almost completely subsided after an hour or two and today I don't really feel any traces of it.  Perhaps something was stirred up by the treatment yesterday and temporarily fired up my withdrawal symptoms.  I know that people report having surges of emotion and energy after acupuncture treatment, but this was very much early withdrawal stuff, that unmistakable bone-breaking inner tension (as I think Alto once referred to it).  

 

Overall though, I'm feeling very good about the acupuncture and I'm definitely going to continue with it.  I definitely still have symptoms but everything is slightly different now, somehow clearer.  Mostly what's gone is that stagnant gray dead feeling, the sense of always being burnt out.  Aside from the hell waves that peculiar deadness may be the most unbearable symptom of all, and I'm glad to see it letting up a bit.

 

I'm going again on Monday, I'll make sure to report back.

[Lexy]

I'm so glad to hear you are doing better.

 

I was thinking of going in for an acupuncture session but now will make sure I don't have the moxibustion.

 

In another thread I read your posts that you had been having headaches. I am experiencing headaches for the last two months.

I had been micro tapering since July and headaches started in August. I then put a hold on tapering.

 

Can you give me some feedback please. I don't know what to do next. Should I keep holding, should I decrease slower? I don't want to increase since I've been holding and micro tapering for a while now.

 

Also one day last week I felt a dull headache but then anxiety came around and I hadn't had it for quite a while. I'm afraid that if it's not headaches it will be anxiety as the next WD symptom.

[Narcissus]

Head aches have been the most consistent part the withdrawal process for me.  They're annoying but I can get used to them, whereas there's no getting use to those hellish heated waves of neurofear.  I haven't done a successful taper myself, but holding seems to be the safest bet when a wave hits or your taper is catching up to you.  I think people usually increase when they feel that their last few drops in particular have destabilized them.  Have you felt worse after your last decrease?  Or do you think maybe what you're experiencing now is just a recurring wave that you need to ride out?  If the latter then you should try holding for a bit.

 

Tapering is tricky, because withdrawal has its waves or windows that seem to exist independently of what we do, so it's not always clear what's been brought on by tapering.  

[cymbaltawithdrawal5600]

Narc,

 

Your avatar photo is new and it seems as though I should know who it is. I tried a search on the quote in your sig and came across an interesting link where students rated Coppola as a professor: 

http://www.ratemyprofessors.com/ShowRatings.jsp?tid=446772. Quite a character it seems.

 

Wishing you well!

[Narcissus]

^Haha!  He does indeed seem like a character, some of those "reviews" are pretty funny.  I don't know much about the guy, I just stumbled across one of his books a while back.  I struggled with the book and eventually gave up on it, but I liked the quote.

 

The guy in my avatar is the Scottish psychiatrist and madman R.D. Laing.  I've been slowly working through "The Politics of Experience" and I really like his ideas.  He's probably best remembered now for his role in the anti-psychiatry movement.

[cymbaltawithdrawal5600]

Coppola also shows up at imdb as having some parts in movies (street vendor in 'The Godfather'), I think it is the same person. Yes, those reviews were hilarious and he does seem to be a rather 'polarizing' person - either liked or disliked, immensely for some, depending on their interpretation of his methods.

 

Thanks for telling me about the avatar pic!

[Narcissus]

Ah, so he's one of those Coppolas.  Very interesting.

[cymbaltawithdrawal5600]

yes, but I do not know if he is related to Francis and Nick, those Coppolas. Didn't do enough research. Interesting all the same

[lexicon]

Hi Nar,

I follow your thread, and am delighted to see that you are doing much better ..

I held my breath with the accupuncture scare ..I prayed for it to end well ..

You have always given stellar advice Nar, and so I have adopted, or borrowed your

thoughts to Lexy..

It is reassuring to see you back on the forum, and more active.

Stay well ..You are in thought and prayer.

Love, Lexicon

[Narcissus]

Thank you, Lexi. It really is nice knowing others are out there thinking of you. I hope you're doing okay.

 

Things have been very strange since the acupuncture. I've been alternating between feeling good and bad much quicker than usual. Every day so far has had both moments of clarity and moments

[Nikki]

I was thinking that if the acupuncture was beneficial and you suddenly had bad symptoms right after the second treatment and then it went away, then maybe that was just it.....a bump.  You know how in WD intense heat, perspiration, exercise, saunas, sun, can exacerbate symptoms?  Maybe that is what really happened.

 

I can understand how you must have felt.  It is amazing how we can take such a nose dive....

 

Glad you are feeling better

[Narcissus]

Thank you, Lexi. It really is nice knowing others are out there thinking of you. I hope you're doing okay.

 

Things have been very strange since the acupuncture. I've been alternating between feeling good and bad much more than usual. Every day so far has had both moments of clarity and moments of terrible tension. The tension scares the hell put of me because it harkens back to early withdrawal. On the other hand things appear brighter, more alive, like a veil has been lifted. I really wonder what's happening to me.

 

I'm hoping that the flare-ups are just a knee-jerk reaction to the changes caused by the acupuncture, which I hope are ultimately positive. I worry a bit about my lack of stability this week, but then I wonder if there comes a time in withdrawal where have to stop seeking only stability. I'm reminded of Paul Tillich's words that healing means experiencing "convulsions of body and soul". Perhaps this is one of those convulsions.

[Narcissus]

Not feeling good tonight.

[Petunia]

I'm sorry you are having a bad night, it sounds from your previous post that you are wondering if the acupuncture has changed your symptom pattern, and if its ultimately a good thing.  My symptoms have changed slightly too, windows and waves have become less defined and I'm wondering if its caused by stopping omega 3s.

 

Trying to figure out what's going on adds to the stress of the actual symptoms.  What I've found is that the better I've become at letting go of my need to understand and control, the easier in general its become.  But I seem 'wired' for problem solving, so its been a difficult lesson.

 

I hope you feel better tomorrow.

[Narcissus]

Trying to figure out what's going on adds to the stress of the actual symptoms.  What I've found is that the better I've become at letting go of my need to understand and control, the easier in general its become.

 

This is very true and I think I needed to hear it.  Thank you Petu.

[lexicon]

Hi Nar,

Thinking of you, and hoping that your symptoms lifted, and that you had a peaceful night.

This is a horrific nightmare, none of us would choose. But we can choose the way we move through.

Try to not ruminate ..When I ruminate on my symptoms,

they remain and get much worse.

Try to think back to successes and focus on that, and know that you will get

through this too.

When my tremors, frightening heart beats, and horrific head symptoms

among others come,

I am practicing to dive in and give all of it as much presence as possible.

I try not to retreat and curl. I do not always succeed, and get paralyzed with fear, but the effort makes things more bearable.

A satisfaction that one day I will win over this monster. Maybe you can think of it in

terms of winning over this monster too.

So hang in there ..You are in the hearts and thoughts of many people here ..

Ultimately we will win, and heal ..

Love, Lexi

[Lexy]

Nar

 

How was your day?

[Narcissus]

Thanks for the reassuring words lexicon.

 

Lexy, Saturday was fine, thanks for asking.

 

Feeling lousy across the board after my second acupuncture treatment today.  Trying not to feel too discouraged, but beginning to distrust that the acupuncture is helping.  

[Narcissus]

Feeling better now.  Still, I wonder if I should be having flare-ups like this.  We'll see how I feel tomorrow.

[Narcissus]

Yesterday (the day of my second acupuncture treatment) was very difficult.  

 

Today, however, has been spectacular!   Feeling less sick than usual I went to the park and walked around a bit.  The wind was tearing through the trees, looking up at the branches I felt a tremendous awe.  Underneath or perhaps part of the sense of awe was a kind of triumphant feeling of health.  I felt that I was not only cured but blessed, and I cried with gratitude.  Then the fear came, as it always does.  "What is this?"  "Can I trust it?"  "Will it last?"

 

And, for the most part, it has lasted, at least throughout today.  I'm sure it'll be gone again before I know it, but for the moment I'm enjoying it and trying not to cling too much.  Ah, these fleeting, fleeting windows!  

 

Anyway, I'm almost sure that the acupuncture is responsible for this window.  I hope this means that I'll see more of them by continuing treatment.

My fellow sufferers, all you botched and beautiful souls!  March on, for there's light ahead!  

[lexicon]

How wonderful Nar ..

I teared up reading your post ..I am so happy that you experienced

this awesome window ..

And how apropos using Paradiso Canto ..!! Dante and Beatrice gazing upon the Highest Heaven ..!!

Beautiful Nar ..

This was indeed a blessed day ..Praying for more of them ..

Love, Lexicon

[Narcissus]

Thank you, lexi.  

 

And Paradiso, yes!  Never realized that was Beatrice, but you're right, it must be.  

 

If that's a window, then I suppose a wave must look something like this (I have a print of this on the wall above my toilet):

 

 

[Lexy]

Haha that's a good place!

 

Don't analyze your windows just Enjoy Today....