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  • Moderator Emeritus

Rhiannon, thank you so much for taking the time To share your story with us. You are a truly amazing woman, so strong!

I can't tell you how happy I am To read that you now say things that you wouldn't have been able before. This is a proof of strong changes in you!

 

I'm so grateful for Being able To read your story : you're such an inspiration !

 

Keep taking good care of yourself, you're so valuable! ❤

2006 : 20mg Paxil+Bromazepam. 2008 : cold turkey of both. 2010 : Reinstatement 20mg Paxil + Bromazepam.

2014-June2017 : Switch from Bromazepam to Prazepam, slow taper to 0mg.

2018 to August 2019 : Paxil 20mg taper (3% every 15 days). 22 Aug 2019 updose to 10mg (was at 8.4mg).

25th Sept 2019 To April 2020 : found SA, holding at 10mg Paxil. 

April 2020 : Paxil 10mg to Prozac 7mg bridge. Details topic/21457

 

Current Supplements : magnesium citrate + fish oil

Current medication :

* 7pm Diazepam  : 0.85mg (15 Aug 2022) / 0.95 mg (24 April 2022) / 1mg Diazepam (since 29 Aug 2020)

* 8am Prozac : 6.16mg (25 oct 2022, feel awful, slight updose) / 6.08 mg (9 oct 2022) / 6.24mg (11 July 22) / 6.44mg (22 May 22) / 6.64mg (4 Nov 21) / 6.72mg (8 oct 21) / 6.8 mg (15 Sept 21)6.88mg (14 Aug 21)/ 6.92mg (23 Jun 21)

 

I am not a professional, I don't give medical advice. Discuss any decisions about your medical care with a knowledgeable medical practitioner.

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  • Moderator Emeritus

What a great success story!  I truly mean that.  I read your intro, and you have been through hell, between horrific childhood abuse (I have too) and being assaulted.  Our health care profession in the US has become pretty bad, in my opinion.  My husband is a pharmacist, and he can attest to that. 

Please do not private message me.  Only tag me for urgent questions about tapering and reinstating - thank you.  

 

***Please note this is not medical advice.  Discuss any decisions about your medical care with a doctor who understands psych meds and how to withdraw from them, if you can find one.

 

Lexapro   Started Apr 15 2010 - 10 mg;  started taper August 2017, recent taper info: Apr 2 '20  0.18 mg; Jul 16  0.17 mg, Aug 23  0.16 mg, Oct 7  0.15 mg, Nov 8 - 0.14, Jan 16 '21 - 0.13, Feb 7 - 0.12, Feb 22 - 0.11, Mar 26 - 0.10, May 21 - 0.09, June 15 - 0.08 Aug 16 - 0.07, Oct 6 - 0.06, Nov 21 0.05, Dec. 17 0.04, Jan 14 '22 0.03, Feb 19 0.02, Apr 18 0.01, May 15 0.005,  Jul 8, 0.00.  Psych Drug Free as of July 8, 2022!!  Woohoo!!!

other meds: Levothyroxine 75 mg

magnesium in small amounts at 4 AM, before bed

suppl AM: fish oil, flax oil, vit C, vit E, multivitamin, zinc

suppl 8 PM: magnesium 350 mg, extended release vitamin C, melatonin 2 mg

 

Paxil 2002 - 2010, switched to Lexapro 2010 

Trazodone 50 mg. 2002 - 2019, fast tapered in 2019 

Xanax 0.5 mg as needed 2002 - 2019, up to 3x weekly 

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  • Moderator Emeritus

Rhiannon, thank you for coming back to share an update. When I was "in the thick of things" your words (in your own story and in what you shared with others) made a lot of sense to me. It's great to hear you are finding continued healing  👍 😉

 

On 10/21/2019 at 2:46 PM, Rhiannon said:

The latest things I've noticed have been 1. A new stage in non-suicidality and 2. A new sense of being grounded and alive and connected in my body.

 

You were in an incredibly rough place. I know . . . I've been in that place, too. And to NOT be in a place of overwhelm, despair and just barely holding on can very much feel like a gift to me today when I revisit those most difficult times (places) within myself. I hear you talking about that gift too, I think? And like you, reconnecting with my body and everything "below the neckline" has grounded me in my healing process, too.

 

On 10/21/2019 at 2:46 PM, Rhiannon said:

And I'm clear the change is not cognitive. It's organic. It's the actual natural survival instinct of the organism that I am. The world hasn't become a more happy place over the last few years, there's no logic involved. It's just the joyous survival urge of the living organism reasserting itself. It's weird, but it feels good.

 

While there has definitely been a cognitive "connecting the dots" part of my healing, the deepest healing for me too has not been along a cognitive path. In fact, I discovered in myself that the "cognitive" was actually a tool to keep me above the neckline and not below it within my own body. Below the neck held terror from many years ago, and I ran from it my whole life. Thinking allowed me not to feel or experience the most intimate parts of myself (both primal and vulnerable). Reclaiming those parts of who I am is providing me with a new inner compass. 

 

On 10/21/2019 at 2:46 PM, Rhiannon said:

I mean, I don't want to overcommit here, folks, but I think I might sort of kind of sometimes be HAPPY.

 

Wow, to find happiness coming out of the "dark night of the soul" is profound. "Happiness" has an entirely new meaning for me as I've gone through my taper / healing / recovery process. It sounds to me in what you write that perhaps you are finding something along those lines too?

 

On 10/21/2019 at 2:46 PM, Rhiannon said:

Things aren't perfect. I still deal with withdrawal sometimes. I still have to work with my anxiety. I still have to spend "down time" periods where I just stay indoors and quiet. I wish I could do more, there is so much I want to do now and I hate having to pace myself.

 

To me all this sounds like self-attunement and self-care. For me, going with a new, more gentle and patient pace has been frustrating, as well. But I also feel like this is the path towards living a very different way of life . . . one that doesn't require me to drug myself. 

 

On 10/21/2019 at 2:46 PM, Rhiannon said:

If it never gets better than this, I will live happily with that. And I am pretty sure it is going to continue to get incrementally better.

 

This statement is incredibly profound to me, and it speaks of acceptance. I used to think "acceptance" meant giving up . . . and that if I gave up I would die. But somehow, my life is moving away from a binary / dualistic framework and into something much broader. And as my life broadens in this way, I'm incredibly finding a place to live that has evaded me my whole life . . . a realm of "OK-ness" (perhaps contentment?). And like you say, for me that has been an incremental process, which is why the slow taper approach to withdrawal for me has been surest path of healing.

 

Again, thanks for sharing your courage and your gifts! ❤️ 🙏 😊

 

My suggestions are not medical advice. They are my opinions based on my own experience, strength and hope.

You are in charge of your own medical / healing / recovery choices.

My success story |  My introduction thread

 

ZOLOFT FREE - COMPLETELY DRUG FREE 4/28/2019! - total time on 28+ years

BENZO FREE! 4/7/2018 - total time on 27+ years

REMERON FREE! 12/11/2016 - total time on 15 months

Caffeine & Nicotine Free 2014 / 2015 - smoked for 28 years

Alcohol Free 4/1/2014 - drank for 30 years

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Hello Rhiannon.  I would like to introduce myself to you.  My name is Jamie.  

 

Rhiannon, I have followed your words very closely since my CNS crash in April of 2016.  It occurred after a ten month, too fast, irradic taper.  That is when I found SA.   At the advice of the moderators, I up dosed a tiny bit from where I was at, but frankly, the injury was sustained.  My CNS crashed.  Over the past 3 and a half years, I have done what you, and a few others have advised in their writings, I have HELD to this small dose unflinching and am still on it.   The past three plus years are a continuous cycling of waves and windows.  My windows have become much more like Me, which is a huge blessing. My waves, still like clockwork, are a milder version for sure but are relentless.  And, sometimes, still very intense.  I am not where I need to be.  That is obvious to myself.  It is as if I cold turkey’d from the drug, only I still one day will have more tapering to do.  I refuse to taper until my CNS has reached stability.  It has been an agonizingly slow process.  

 

I have really learned so much from you.  I listened very closely to what you have said and written.  I stopped the taper.  I’ve held and held and I’ve held some more.  I have listened to my body very closely and thrown away the calendar, even though I am very aware of the long and slow process.  I have refused to compound my WD situation.  I continue to wait for stability. I hope in the healing process, and I work hard not to get in the way of what my body needs to do.  As you know, it is painfully slow for some of us.  

 

I read your posts and I am so glad you came back as I have wondered how and what you are doing.  I have wondered where you are at in your process.  I read your recent post that this February will be ten years for you in tapering.  I am relatively convinced that, one day, hopeful that I will be able to resume my taper, that it will take me equally long.  One day I hope to resume the last of my taper in turtle fashion.  That is my hope and plan.  

 

I want to thank you.  Thank you for posting about yourself, your experiences, what you have and are learning, and passing onto me as I walk this journey.  Thank you.  Never in a million years would I have believed that 8.5 years on one drug, could have so profoundly changed my CNS and entire body.  Had I not come to live this, I would not believe it was possible.  

 

I am so encouraged by your life story.  It brings me hope in the darkness of this experience and very very slow process. 

 

Sincerely,

Jamie.  

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  • Moderator Emeritus

Jamie, I am terribly sorry for your ordeal.  I am praying for you, for healing for your nervous system.  You sound like a very strong and courageous person.  Keep up the good work.  

 

Jennifer

Please do not private message me.  Only tag me for urgent questions about tapering and reinstating - thank you.  

 

***Please note this is not medical advice.  Discuss any decisions about your medical care with a doctor who understands psych meds and how to withdraw from them, if you can find one.

 

Lexapro   Started Apr 15 2010 - 10 mg;  started taper August 2017, recent taper info: Apr 2 '20  0.18 mg; Jul 16  0.17 mg, Aug 23  0.16 mg, Oct 7  0.15 mg, Nov 8 - 0.14, Jan 16 '21 - 0.13, Feb 7 - 0.12, Feb 22 - 0.11, Mar 26 - 0.10, May 21 - 0.09, June 15 - 0.08 Aug 16 - 0.07, Oct 6 - 0.06, Nov 21 0.05, Dec. 17 0.04, Jan 14 '22 0.03, Feb 19 0.02, Apr 18 0.01, May 15 0.005,  Jul 8, 0.00.  Psych Drug Free as of July 8, 2022!!  Woohoo!!!

other meds: Levothyroxine 75 mg

magnesium in small amounts at 4 AM, before bed

suppl AM: fish oil, flax oil, vit C, vit E, multivitamin, zinc

suppl 8 PM: magnesium 350 mg, extended release vitamin C, melatonin 2 mg

 

Paxil 2002 - 2010, switched to Lexapro 2010 

Trazodone 50 mg. 2002 - 2019, fast tapered in 2019 

Xanax 0.5 mg as needed 2002 - 2019, up to 3x weekly 

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I thank you Jennifer, for your prayers and compassion.  Strong? Courageous?   I just know the truth now and I want myself back.  Factory settings.  So, by the grace of my God, I persevere.  Thank you.  

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  • Moderator Emeritus
12 hours ago, gigi63 said:

I thank you Jennifer, for your prayers and compassion.  Strong? Courageous?   I just know the truth now and I want myself back.  Factory settings.  So, by the grace of my God, I persevere.  Thank you.  

I also rely on the grace of God and Jesus Christ.  That is the only way I could get through this. 

Please do not private message me.  Only tag me for urgent questions about tapering and reinstating - thank you.  

 

***Please note this is not medical advice.  Discuss any decisions about your medical care with a doctor who understands psych meds and how to withdraw from them, if you can find one.

 

Lexapro   Started Apr 15 2010 - 10 mg;  started taper August 2017, recent taper info: Apr 2 '20  0.18 mg; Jul 16  0.17 mg, Aug 23  0.16 mg, Oct 7  0.15 mg, Nov 8 - 0.14, Jan 16 '21 - 0.13, Feb 7 - 0.12, Feb 22 - 0.11, Mar 26 - 0.10, May 21 - 0.09, June 15 - 0.08 Aug 16 - 0.07, Oct 6 - 0.06, Nov 21 0.05, Dec. 17 0.04, Jan 14 '22 0.03, Feb 19 0.02, Apr 18 0.01, May 15 0.005,  Jul 8, 0.00.  Psych Drug Free as of July 8, 2022!!  Woohoo!!!

other meds: Levothyroxine 75 mg

magnesium in small amounts at 4 AM, before bed

suppl AM: fish oil, flax oil, vit C, vit E, multivitamin, zinc

suppl 8 PM: magnesium 350 mg, extended release vitamin C, melatonin 2 mg

 

Paxil 2002 - 2010, switched to Lexapro 2010 

Trazodone 50 mg. 2002 - 2019, fast tapered in 2019 

Xanax 0.5 mg as needed 2002 - 2019, up to 3x weekly 

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  • Moderator Emeritus
On 10/25/2019 at 8:42 AM, elbee said:

Rhiannon, thank you for coming back to share an update. When I was "in the thick of things" your words (in your own story and in what you shared with others) made a lot of sense to me. It's great to hear you are finding continued healing  👍 😉

 

 

You were in an incredibly rough place. I know . . . I've been in that place, too. And to NOT be in a place of overwhelm, despair and just barely holding on can very much feel like a gift to me today when I revisit those most difficult times (places) within myself. I hear you talking about that gift too, I think? And like you, reconnecting with my body and everything "below the neckline" has grounded me in my healing process, too.

 

 

While there has definitely been a cognitive "connecting the dots" part of my healing, the deepest healing for me too has not been along a cognitive path. In fact, I discovered in myself that the "cognitive" was actually a tool to keep me above the neckline and not below it within my own body. Below the neck held terror from many years ago, and I ran from it my whole life. Thinking allowed me not to feel or experience the most intimate parts of myself (both primal and vulnerable). Reclaiming those parts of who I am is providing me with a new inner compass. 

 

 

Wow, to find happiness coming out of the "dark night of the soul" is profound. "Happiness" has an entirely new meaning for me as I've gone through my taper / healing / recovery process. It sounds to me in what you write that perhaps you are finding something along those lines too?

 

 

To me all this sounds like self-attunement and self-care. For me, going with a new, more gentle and patient pace has been frustrating, as well. But I also feel like this is the path towards living a very different way of life . . . one that doesn't require me to drug myself. 

 

 

This statement is incredibly profound to me, and it speaks of acceptance. I used to think "acceptance" meant giving up . . . and that if I gave up I would die. But somehow, my life is moving away from a binary / dualistic framework and into something much broader. And as my life broadens in this way, I'm incredibly finding a place to live that has evaded me my whole life . . . a realm of "OK-ness" (perhaps contentment?). And like you say, for me that has been an incremental process, which is why the slow taper approach to withdrawal for me has been surest path of healing.

 

Again, thanks for sharing your courage and your gifts! ❤️ 🙏 😊

 

 

@elbee, thank you so much for your wisdom and your sharing. It's an intense path, but so worth it as we grow and deepen in wisdom and healing.

 

And I think people who have survived the worst of what humanity can do to others, and come through it with some kind of sense of harmony and hope, have a lot to offer the world. Thank you for being you.

Started on Prozac and Xanax in 1992 for PTSD after an assault. One drug led to more, the usual story. Got sicker and sicker, but believed I needed the drugs for my "underlying disease". Long story...lost everything. Life savings, home, physical and mental health, relationships, friendships, ability to work, everything. Amitryptiline, Prozac, bupropion, buspirone, flurazepam, diazepam, alprazolam, Paxil, citalopram, lamotrigine, gabapentin...probably more I've forgotten. 

Started multidrug taper in Feb 2010.  Doing a very slow microtaper, down to low doses now and feeling SO much better, getting my old personality and my brain back! Able to work full time, have a full social life, and cope with stress better than ever. Not perfect, but much better. After 23 lost years. Big Pharma has a lot to answer for. And "medicine for profit" is just not a great idea.

 

Feb 15 2010:  300 mg Neurontin  200 Lamictal   10 Celexa      0.65 Xanax   and 5 mg Ambien 

Feb 10 2014:   62 Lamictal    1.1 Celexa         0.135 Xanax    1.8 Valium

Feb 10 2015:   50 Lamictal      0.875 Celexa    0.11 Xanax      1.5 Valium

Feb 15 2016:   47.5 Lamictal   0.75 Celexa      0.0875 Xanax    1.42 Valium    

2/12/20             12                       0.045               0.007                   1 

May 2021            7                       0.01                  0.0037                1

Feb 2022            6                      0!!!                     0.00167               0.98                2.5 mg Ambien

Oct 2022       4.5 mg Lamictal    (off Celexa, off Xanax)   0.95 Valium    Ambien, 1/4 to 1/2 of a 5 mg tablet 

 

I'm not a doctor. Any advice I give is just my civilian opinion.

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  • Moderator Emeritus
On 10/28/2019 at 11:07 AM, gigi63 said:

Hello Rhiannon.  I would like to introduce myself to you.  My name is Jamie.  

 

Rhiannon, I have followed your words very closely since my CNS crash in April of 2016.  It occurred after a ten month, too fast, irradic taper.  That is when I found SA.   At the advice of the moderators, I up dosed a tiny bit from where I was at, but frankly, the injury was sustained.  My CNS crashed.  Over the past 3 and a half years, I have done what you, and a few others have advised in their writings, I have HELD to this small dose unflinching and am still on it.   The past three plus years are a continuous cycling of waves and windows.  My windows have become much more like Me, which is a huge blessing. My waves, still like clockwork, are a milder version for sure but are relentless.  And, sometimes, still very intense.  I am not where I need to be.  That is obvious to myself.  It is as if I cold turkey’d from the drug, only I still one day will have more tapering to do.  I refuse to taper until my CNS has reached stability.  It has been an agonizingly slow process.  

 

I have really learned so much from you.  I listened very closely to what you have said and written.  I stopped the taper.  I’ve held and held and I’ve held some more.  I have listened to my body very closely and thrown away the calendar, even though I am very aware of the long and slow process.  I have refused to compound my WD situation.  I continue to wait for stability. I hope in the healing process, and I work hard not to get in the way of what my body needs to do.  As you know, it is painfully slow for some of us.  

 

I read your posts and I am so glad you came back as I have wondered how and what you are doing.  I have wondered where you are at in your process.  I read your recent post that this February will be ten years for you in tapering.  I am relatively convinced that, one day, hopeful that I will be able to resume my taper, that it will take me equally long.  One day I hope to resume the last of my taper in turtle fashion.  That is my hope and plan.  

 

I want to thank you.  Thank you for posting about yourself, your experiences, what you have and are learning, and passing onto me as I walk this journey.  Thank you.  Never in a million years would I have believed that 8.5 years on one drug, could have so profoundly changed my CNS and entire body.  Had I not come to live this, I would not believe it was possible.  

 

I am so encouraged by your life story.  It brings me hope in the darkness of this experience and very very slow process. 

 

Sincerely,

Jamie.  

 

@gigi63-- there is SO MUCH hope! 

 

I know three and a half years is a forever time when you're living through it, but it really will keep getting better. I think I am still healing from my years on the drugs before beginning the taper in 2010.  It just keeps getting better, even though I am still tapering very slowly. Of course we're not all the same, but I was in indescribably bad shape for many years. Yet here I am, doing pretty well. I don't know at my age and with my long time on the drugs if I will ever get back to factory settings, but I'm in a place now that I feel really happy and grateful for. There is a future for me that I wasn't able to see even five years ago, which I feel hopeful about and sometimes even contented and at peace.

 

It will get better. In fact from here on in, "better" is the direction it's sure to go and pretty much the only direction it CAN go, as long as you keep taking care of yourself. It's still a journey. But you're going to have such a deeper appreciation for life, and I believe probably a deeper understanding of your spiritual being as well. Life may not always be great, but it will be rich, and you'll be grateful to yourself for taking the time you are taking now to heal. Hang in there.

Started on Prozac and Xanax in 1992 for PTSD after an assault. One drug led to more, the usual story. Got sicker and sicker, but believed I needed the drugs for my "underlying disease". Long story...lost everything. Life savings, home, physical and mental health, relationships, friendships, ability to work, everything. Amitryptiline, Prozac, bupropion, buspirone, flurazepam, diazepam, alprazolam, Paxil, citalopram, lamotrigine, gabapentin...probably more I've forgotten. 

Started multidrug taper in Feb 2010.  Doing a very slow microtaper, down to low doses now and feeling SO much better, getting my old personality and my brain back! Able to work full time, have a full social life, and cope with stress better than ever. Not perfect, but much better. After 23 lost years. Big Pharma has a lot to answer for. And "medicine for profit" is just not a great idea.

 

Feb 15 2010:  300 mg Neurontin  200 Lamictal   10 Celexa      0.65 Xanax   and 5 mg Ambien 

Feb 10 2014:   62 Lamictal    1.1 Celexa         0.135 Xanax    1.8 Valium

Feb 10 2015:   50 Lamictal      0.875 Celexa    0.11 Xanax      1.5 Valium

Feb 15 2016:   47.5 Lamictal   0.75 Celexa      0.0875 Xanax    1.42 Valium    

2/12/20             12                       0.045               0.007                   1 

May 2021            7                       0.01                  0.0037                1

Feb 2022            6                      0!!!                     0.00167               0.98                2.5 mg Ambien

Oct 2022       4.5 mg Lamictal    (off Celexa, off Xanax)   0.95 Valium    Ambien, 1/4 to 1/2 of a 5 mg tablet 

 

I'm not a doctor. Any advice I give is just my civilian opinion.

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Thank you Rhiannon!!!😘😘😘. I am going to stay right here and wait it out.  Progress has been so slow but, it is coming, bit by bit.  I know it is!!!  Thank you.  You are a blessing.  

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  • 1 year later...

@gigi63

how are you doing now ? 
Did you stabilise and start your taper ? 
we were introduced by Mirage a while back . I am tapering off Paxil and it’s a long slow process !! 
 

Hope you are well 😊

Nov 2018 Pregabalin 2x50 mg a day to help with Paxil WD. Aug 2019 2 x 25mg a day, April 2020 45mg, May 40mg, June 35mg, July 30mg, end July 25mg, Aug 24mg, June 2021 14mg, Jan 2022 14mg (2x7mg a day), Oct 10mg, Nov 5mg, December 25th 2022 0mg 🎈

 

Oct 2004 - Oct 2018 Paxil 20 mg, Nov 15mg, Dec 10mg,  Feb 2019 7.5mg crashed, Feb 8.5mg, Nov 8mg, March 2020 7.2mg, April 6.5mg, May 5.9mg, June 5.4mg, July 4.8mg, Dec 4.5mg, Jan 2021 4mg, Feb 3.6mg, March 3.2mg, April 2.9mg, Aug 2.7mg, Sept 2.4mg, Oct 2.2mg, Nov 2mg, Dec 1.8mg, Feb 2022 1.6mg, March 1.4mg, April 1.2mg, May 1.0mg, June 0.8mg, July 0.6mg, Aug 0.4mg, Sep 0.2mg, October 6th 2022 0mg  🎈

 

December 25th 2022 drug free 

 

these dates are approximate 

 

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  • 1 year later...

Hi Rhi! Ariel suggested I look at your long multi-drug taper. That acceptance is crucial because, frankly, who the heck knows what's next!

 

I've weaned my 20-year Mirtazapine habit in February, still getting waves. gettoflex suggested (Ha! Flex is Jennifer! Hi Jennifer!) I take six to eight months before starting to taper the grip of 20 years of Trazodone.

 

Trouble is, I'm 72 and, well, you know, it's death's waiting room at any age, really. Think I'll tough out the waves--glorious window at the moment & start in November.

 

Alprazolam after that. Big deal about Benzos is cognitive decline. I really, really like my marbles! Do I have to live long enough to get rid of these poisons? (Rhi-torical question...) 

Doc is not God spelled backwards!

 

Mirtazapine 30mg 2003-February 2022

Vortioxetine 10mg December 2021

Quetiapine 12.5mg - 25mg - 50mg - 75mg January-March 2022

Trazodone 50mg 2003-present

Alprazolam 1 mg August 2019-present

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  • 3 months later...
  • Moderator Emeritus

Hi everyone--

 

I just thought I'd do a quick update. Last December I jumped off the last bit of the citalopram, successfully; I was a little edgy in February and March but nothing I couldn't handle, and it passed and I feel like month to month I just keep feeling better and better. (Jumped off at 1/1000 of my starting dose. These meds really have a nonlinear effect profile even down to tiny doses.)

 

Then in July I quit the tail end of the Xanax I had been tapering forever as well, and that also went well. The effect of quitting that was not as noticeable, but that's not surprising since I'm still on 1 mg of diazepam daily and there's a lot of overlap with benzos.

 

I'm feeling good, my life is good (dare I say great? Nothing much to look at from the outside, but I'm happier and more self-realized than I've ever been in my life. Which, given my rather rocky life, might not be saying much, but I feel like it's a big accomplishment.)

 

I've cut my work hours down to 3-4 days a week, and next month I am actually finally getting a day shift after 13-going-on-14 years of working evening or night shifts. It's going to be a big adjustment (I've been working 1 or 2 pm to 9 or 10, and will be going to 6:30 am to 3 or 5 pm) and I don't know how my body will do with it, but I really want to give it a try because I think if I can adjust to it, it will be healthier for me in a lot of ways. Retiring does not seem to be in the cards for me financially any time soon, so coming up with a work schedule that I can live with for another 5-10 years or so is an alternative I'm feeling kind of hopeful about. (Fortunately my employer is motivated to work with me, and keep me on the job for as long as I can do it, because I'm in rural healthcare and staffing is literally impossible for them. Literally. As in, no applicants other than travelers. Zero. I thank the universe every day for stumbling me into a profession with this much job security.)

 

I have my own house (an elderly manufactured home in an over-55 community, but it's warm and it's dry and it's mine and even living in overpriced Oregon I can afford the payments, for now). I have friends and hobbies (hobbies! me! such a luxury, when life has mostly always been about struggle and survival.) I'm in the process of adopting a couple of older rescue dogs.  I bought a folk harp, an instrument I've always loved, and I'm very slowly learning to play it (I've never played a musical instrument before). 

 

As far as my recovery from the damage caused by psych meds, I feel like that's actually going pretty well too. I'm still on small doses of diazepam and lamotrigine and continuing to taper those, and I think those are causing me some sedation and some cognitive blurring, but I don't get those bouts of crazy intense emotional anguish and chaos and panic and despair like I used to. I feel pretty steady and even contented or happy a lot of the time. I generally get about 7 hours of sleep a night, plus a nap if I can. I have hope about the future, lots of ideas of things I want to learn and do, simple stuff but it feels really good.

 

I don't know if anyone finds this helpful or inspiring, since none of this happened fast. I think if you're in one of those places where psych meds have stolen 20 years of your life and you aren't sure if it's worth continuing to taper and to keep going forward, though, if it's any help, I can say that I am SO grateful to the past me who did decide to keep living, to keep tapering, to keep walking one step at a time and keep going one day at a time.

 

It's been hard, but I feel like I really have finally gotten to the place that I dreamed of getting to, almost 13 years ago when I was just realizing that psych meds were harming me more than they were helping me and I started imagining getting off of them.

 

Okay, maybe not such a quick update. 🙂 

 

I hope you all know how much love and compassion and gratitude my heart is filled with, for you.

Started on Prozac and Xanax in 1992 for PTSD after an assault. One drug led to more, the usual story. Got sicker and sicker, but believed I needed the drugs for my "underlying disease". Long story...lost everything. Life savings, home, physical and mental health, relationships, friendships, ability to work, everything. Amitryptiline, Prozac, bupropion, buspirone, flurazepam, diazepam, alprazolam, Paxil, citalopram, lamotrigine, gabapentin...probably more I've forgotten. 

Started multidrug taper in Feb 2010.  Doing a very slow microtaper, down to low doses now and feeling SO much better, getting my old personality and my brain back! Able to work full time, have a full social life, and cope with stress better than ever. Not perfect, but much better. After 23 lost years. Big Pharma has a lot to answer for. And "medicine for profit" is just not a great idea.

 

Feb 15 2010:  300 mg Neurontin  200 Lamictal   10 Celexa      0.65 Xanax   and 5 mg Ambien 

Feb 10 2014:   62 Lamictal    1.1 Celexa         0.135 Xanax    1.8 Valium

Feb 10 2015:   50 Lamictal      0.875 Celexa    0.11 Xanax      1.5 Valium

Feb 15 2016:   47.5 Lamictal   0.75 Celexa      0.0875 Xanax    1.42 Valium    

2/12/20             12                       0.045               0.007                   1 

May 2021            7                       0.01                  0.0037                1

Feb 2022            6                      0!!!                     0.00167               0.98                2.5 mg Ambien

Oct 2022       4.5 mg Lamictal    (off Celexa, off Xanax)   0.95 Valium    Ambien, 1/4 to 1/2 of a 5 mg tablet 

 

I'm not a doctor. Any advice I give is just my civilian opinion.

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  • Moderator Emeritus
On 6/28/2022 at 2:35 AM, unblocktheplanet said:

Hi Rhi! Ariel suggested I look at your long multi-drug taper. That acceptance is crucial because, frankly, who the heck knows what's next!

 

I've weaned my 20-year Mirtazapine habit in February, still getting waves. gettoflex suggested (Ha! Flex is Jennifer! Hi Jennifer!) I take six to eight months before starting to taper the grip of 20 years of Trazodone.

 

Trouble is, I'm 72 and, well, you know, it's death's waiting room at any age, really. Think I'll tough out the waves--glorious window at the moment & start in November.

 

Alprazolam after that. Big deal about Benzos is cognitive decline. I really, really like my marbles! Do I have to live long enough to get rid of these poisons? (Rhi-torical question...) 

 

😄

I totally hear you about the benzos. I've accepted that they are an enemy that I have to accommodate to some extent, because WD is so agonizing, but I'm not going to let them win, even if I'm still tapering that damned diazepam on my deathbed. It's a matter of principle now! They are NOT going to win! But yes, I too like my marbles. 

 

If it's any help, a lot of our beliefs about aging are actually based more on ageism than science, and cognitive and physical decline are not really as inevitable as we believe. I just bought a book titled Breaking the Age Code by Becca Levy and I recommend it highly. It's helping me have a new outlook on my remaining decades, as a time of potential growth and development, not just fading into nonexistence. It turns out that people who live in age-positive cultures (not age-toxic ageist cultures like in the USA) actually thrive well into their 90s. I plan to do the same! 

 

So just keep moving forward. Don't let the b*stards get you down!

Started on Prozac and Xanax in 1992 for PTSD after an assault. One drug led to more, the usual story. Got sicker and sicker, but believed I needed the drugs for my "underlying disease". Long story...lost everything. Life savings, home, physical and mental health, relationships, friendships, ability to work, everything. Amitryptiline, Prozac, bupropion, buspirone, flurazepam, diazepam, alprazolam, Paxil, citalopram, lamotrigine, gabapentin...probably more I've forgotten. 

Started multidrug taper in Feb 2010.  Doing a very slow microtaper, down to low doses now and feeling SO much better, getting my old personality and my brain back! Able to work full time, have a full social life, and cope with stress better than ever. Not perfect, but much better. After 23 lost years. Big Pharma has a lot to answer for. And "medicine for profit" is just not a great idea.

 

Feb 15 2010:  300 mg Neurontin  200 Lamictal   10 Celexa      0.65 Xanax   and 5 mg Ambien 

Feb 10 2014:   62 Lamictal    1.1 Celexa         0.135 Xanax    1.8 Valium

Feb 10 2015:   50 Lamictal      0.875 Celexa    0.11 Xanax      1.5 Valium

Feb 15 2016:   47.5 Lamictal   0.75 Celexa      0.0875 Xanax    1.42 Valium    

2/12/20             12                       0.045               0.007                   1 

May 2021            7                       0.01                  0.0037                1

Feb 2022            6                      0!!!                     0.00167               0.98                2.5 mg Ambien

Oct 2022       4.5 mg Lamictal    (off Celexa, off Xanax)   0.95 Valium    Ambien, 1/4 to 1/2 of a 5 mg tablet 

 

I'm not a doctor. Any advice I give is just my civilian opinion.

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34 minutes ago, Rhiannon said:

I don't know if anyone finds this helpful or inspiring, since none of this happened fast.

Well, your words have warmed my heart, more than I can express, so thank you for this update ❤️ 

2006 : 20mg Paxil+Bromazepam. 2008 : cold turkey of both. 2010 : Reinstatement 20mg Paxil + Bromazepam.

2014-June2017 : Switch from Bromazepam to Prazepam, slow taper to 0mg.

2018 to August 2019 : Paxil 20mg taper (3% every 15 days). 22 Aug 2019 updose to 10mg (was at 8.4mg).

25th Sept 2019 To April 2020 : found SA, holding at 10mg Paxil. 

April 2020 : Paxil 10mg to Prozac 7mg bridge. Details topic/21457

 

Current Supplements : magnesium citrate + fish oil

Current medication :

* 7pm Diazepam  : 0.85mg (15 Aug 2022) / 0.95 mg (24 April 2022) / 1mg Diazepam (since 29 Aug 2020)

* 8am Prozac : 6.16mg (25 oct 2022, feel awful, slight updose) / 6.08 mg (9 oct 2022) / 6.24mg (11 July 22) / 6.44mg (22 May 22) / 6.64mg (4 Nov 21) / 6.72mg (8 oct 21) / 6.8 mg (15 Sept 21)6.88mg (14 Aug 21)/ 6.92mg (23 Jun 21)

 

I am not a professional, I don't give medical advice. Discuss any decisions about your medical care with a knowledgeable medical practitioner.

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40 minutes ago, Rhiannon said:

I'm happier and more self-realized than I've ever been in my life.

Wow - this is wonderful to hear, Rhi.  Congratulations to getting to this amazing sounding place in your life.  You are such an inspiration!!

-1/06 - 3/07 Cymbalta. Fast taper (essentially CT); withdrawal symptoms after 4 mos (didn't realize was WD)

-10/07: 100 mg Zoloft; 1 mg Klonopin - tapered off Klonopin after 4 mos. Several unsuccessful slow tapers of Zoloft; went up and down in dose a lot

-Spring 2013 back on 1 mg Klonopin to counter WD symptoms; switched over 5-6 mos from Zoloft to 35 mg citalopram
-Two attempts at slow tapering citalopram, always increased dose due to WD; also increased Klonopin to 1.25 mg in 2014, then to 1.5 mg in 2015

-8/17-9/17: After holding one year at 20 mg, feeling withdrawal symptoms due to stress - slowly increased to 25 mg. No change in symptoms after 6 months (? tolerance ?)  - decided to start citalopram taper February 2018 (still on Klonopin 1.5 mg).

Supplements: fish oil; magnesium; vitamin D3; curcumin

Citalopram taper:  2/2018 - 12/2019: 25 mg - 11.03 mg I 2020: 10.89 mg - 7.9 mg I 2021: 7.8 mg - 5.26 mg I 2022: 5.2 mg - 3.36 mg I 2023: 3.3 mg - 1.47 mg 2024: 1/5/24: 1.44 mg; 1/19/24: 1.40 mg; 1/26/24: 1.37 mg; 2/2/24: 1.34 mg; 2/9/24: 1.31 mg; 2/23/24: 1.28 mg; 3/1/24: 1.25 mg; 3/8/24: 1.22 mg; 3/15/24: 1.19 mg

 

 

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Rhi, what a wonderful tale…and the telling of it! I could not be happier for you!

 

Q: Is a ‘folk harp’ an autoharp? (Nah, just singing in the rain!)

 

Hope beats dope, eh!

 

Perhaps you’ve already posted about it but I’d love to hear how tapering Xanax went for you in specific. That’s one down the road for me.

 

Big hug!

 

 

CJ

Bangkok

Doc is not God spelled backwards!

 

Mirtazapine 30mg 2003-February 2022

Vortioxetine 10mg December 2021

Quetiapine 12.5mg - 25mg - 50mg - 75mg January-March 2022

Trazodone 50mg 2003-present

Alprazolam 1 mg August 2019-present

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  • 4 months later...
On 10/18/2022 at 12:12 PM, Rhiannon said:

Hi everyone--

 

I just thought I'd do a quick update. Last December I jumped off the last bit of the citalopram, successfully; I was a little edgy in February and March but nothing I couldn't handle, and it passed and I feel like month to month I just keep feeling better and better. (Jumped off at 1/1000 of my starting dose. These meds really have a nonlinear effect profile even down to tiny doses.)

 

Then in July I quit the tail end of the Xanax I had been tapering forever as well, and that also went well. The effect of quitting that was not as noticeable, but that's not surprising since I'm still on 1 mg of diazepam daily and there's a lot of overlap with benzos.

 

I'm feeling good, my life is good (dare I say great? Nothing much to look at from the outside, but I'm happier and more self-realized than I've ever been in my life. Which, given my rather rocky life, might not be saying much, but I feel like it's a big accomplishment.)

 

I've cut my work hours down to 3-4 days a week, and next month I am actually finally getting a day shift after 13-going-on-14 years of working evening or night shifts. It's going to be a big adjustment (I've been working 1 or 2 pm to 9 or 10, and will be going to 6:30 am to 3 or 5 pm) and I don't know how my body will do with it, but I really want to give it a try because I think if I can adjust to it, it will be healthier for me in a lot of ways. Retiring does not seem to be in the cards for me financially any time soon, so coming up with a work schedule that I can live with for another 5-10 years or so is an alternative I'm feeling kind of hopeful about. (Fortunately my employer is motivated to work with me, and keep me on the job for as long as I can do it, because I'm in rural healthcare and staffing is literally impossible for them. Literally. As in, no applicants other than travelers. Zero. I thank the universe every day for stumbling me into a profession with this much job security.)

 

I have my own house (an elderly manufactured home in an over-55 community, but it's warm and it's dry and it's mine and even living in overpriced Oregon I can afford the payments, for now). I have friends and hobbies (hobbies! me! such a luxury, when life has mostly always been about struggle and survival.) I'm in the process of adopting a couple of older rescue dogs.  I bought a folk harp, an instrument I've always loved, and I'm very slowly learning to play it (I've never played a musical instrument before). 

 

As far as my recovery from the damage caused by psych meds, I feel like that's actually going pretty well too. I'm still on small doses of diazepam and lamotrigine and continuing to taper those, and I think those are causing me some sedation and some cognitive blurring, but I don't get those bouts of crazy intense emotional anguish and chaos and panic and despair like I used to. I feel pretty steady and even contented or happy a lot of the time. I generally get about 7 hours of sleep a night, plus a nap if I can. I have hope about the future, lots of ideas of things I want to learn and do, simple stuff but it feels really good.

 

I don't know if anyone finds this helpful or inspiring, since none of this happened fast. I think if you're in one of those places where psych meds have stolen 20 years of your life and you aren't sure if it's worth continuing to taper and to keep going forward, though, if it's any help, I can say that I am SO grateful to the past me who did decide to keep living, to keep tapering, to keep walking one step at a time and keep going one day at a time.

 

It's been hard, but I feel like I really have finally gotten to the place that I dreamed of getting to, almost 13 years ago when I was just realizing that psych meds were harming me more than they were helping me and I started imagining getting off of them.

 

Okay, maybe not such a quick update. 🙂 

 

I hope you all know how much love and compassion and gratitude my heart is filled with, for you.

This is just what I needed to hear. I am so very happy for you. I read you reinstated 1 psych drug successfully at almost the end of the taper of that particular drug . Im at a very very low point of disabling symptoms and considering reinstatement. How much did you reinstate?

2002-2021: 19 yrs on/off psychotropics

2/2022: Wellbutrin 150mg, Lexapro 20mg  3/22: Wellbutrin 150mg xl, Lexapro 10mg    4/22: Wellbutrin 150xl, Lexapro 5mg 

4/2022: Lexa 7.5mg total, Wellbutrin 150mg    5/2022: Wellb 112.5mg xl, Lexa 7.5mg (Stopped Clonazepam & Hydroxyzine- didn't take often)

6/2022: Welbutrin 111mg xl, Lexa 6.8mg          8/2022: Wellbutrin 100mg xl, Lexa 6.8mg            10/9/22: Wellbutrin 100 mg IR, Lexa 6.5 mg

11/3/22: Wellbutrin 96 mg IR, Lexa 6.5 mg       11/30/22: Wellbutrin 96 mg IR, Lexa 6 mg

3/15/23: Wellbutrin 96 mg IR, Lexa 6.2 mg???

Other Daily Meds: Singulair 10mg, Zyrtec 10mg, Spiriva Respimat inhaler.  Rarely taking: OTC pain relievers, Diclofenac, Cyclobenzaprine, anti acids

SupplementsFish oil 1300mg, Nigella oil, Mag Glycinate 200mg, Probiotics 30 billion, 1/5 dose prenatals, Melatonin .38mg, (Reishi, Lion's Mane & psilocybin microdosing by cycles)

 

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