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Rhiannon

Rhi: Incremental success

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Erell

Rhiannon, thank you so much for taking the time To share your story with us. You are a truly amazing woman, so strong!

I can't tell you how happy I am To read that you now say things that you wouldn't have been able before. This is a proof of strong changes in you!

 

I'm so grateful for Being able To read your story : you're such an inspiration !

 

Keep taking good care of yourself, you're so valuable! ❤

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getofflex

What a great success story!  I truly mean that.  I read your intro, and you have been through hell, between horrific childhood abuse (I have too) and being assaulted.  Our health care profession in the US has become pretty bad, in my opinion.  My husband is a pharmacist, and he can attest to that. 

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elbee

Rhiannon, thank you for coming back to share an update. When I was "in the thick of things" your words (in your own story and in what you shared with others) made a lot of sense to me. It's great to hear you are finding continued healing  👍 😉

 

On 10/21/2019 at 2:46 PM, Rhiannon said:

The latest things I've noticed have been 1. A new stage in non-suicidality and 2. A new sense of being grounded and alive and connected in my body.

 

You were in an incredibly rough place. I know . . . I've been in that place, too. And to NOT be in a place of overwhelm, despair and just barely holding on can very much feel like a gift to me today when I revisit those most difficult times (places) within myself. I hear you talking about that gift too, I think? And like you, reconnecting with my body and everything "below the neckline" has grounded me in my healing process, too.

 

On 10/21/2019 at 2:46 PM, Rhiannon said:

And I'm clear the change is not cognitive. It's organic. It's the actual natural survival instinct of the organism that I am. The world hasn't become a more happy place over the last few years, there's no logic involved. It's just the joyous survival urge of the living organism reasserting itself. It's weird, but it feels good.

 

While there has definitely been a cognitive "connecting the dots" part of my healing, the deepest healing for me too has not been along a cognitive path. In fact, I discovered in myself that the "cognitive" was actually a tool to keep me above the neckline and not below it within my own body. Below the neck held terror from many years ago, and I ran from it my whole life. Thinking allowed me not to feel or experience the most intimate parts of myself (both primal and vulnerable). Reclaiming those parts of who I am is providing me with a new inner compass. 

 

On 10/21/2019 at 2:46 PM, Rhiannon said:

I mean, I don't want to overcommit here, folks, but I think I might sort of kind of sometimes be HAPPY.

 

Wow, to find happiness coming out of the "dark night of the soul" is profound. "Happiness" has an entirely new meaning for me as I've gone through my taper / healing / recovery process. It sounds to me in what you write that perhaps you are finding something along those lines too?

 

On 10/21/2019 at 2:46 PM, Rhiannon said:

Things aren't perfect. I still deal with withdrawal sometimes. I still have to work with my anxiety. I still have to spend "down time" periods where I just stay indoors and quiet. I wish I could do more, there is so much I want to do now and I hate having to pace myself.

 

To me all this sounds like self-attunement and self-care. For me, going with a new, more gentle and patient pace has been frustrating, as well. But I also feel like this is the path towards living a very different way of life . . . one that doesn't require me to drug myself. 

 

On 10/21/2019 at 2:46 PM, Rhiannon said:

If it never gets better than this, I will live happily with that. And I am pretty sure it is going to continue to get incrementally better.

 

This statement is incredibly profound to me, and it speaks of acceptance. I used to think "acceptance" meant giving up . . . and that if I gave up I would die. But somehow, my life is moving away from a binary / dualistic framework and into something much broader. And as my life broadens in this way, I'm incredibly finding a place to live that has evaded me my whole life . . . a realm of "OK-ness" (perhaps contentment?). And like you say, for me that has been an incremental process, which is why the slow taper approach to withdrawal for me has been surest path of healing.

 

Again, thanks for sharing your courage and your gifts! ❤️ 🙏 😊

 

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gigi63

Hello Rhiannon.  I would like to introduce myself to you.  My name is Jamie.  

 

Rhiannon, I have followed your words very closely since my CNS crash in April of 2016.  It occurred after a ten month, too fast, irradic taper.  That is when I found SA.   At the advice of the moderators, I up dosed a tiny bit from where I was at, but frankly, the injury was sustained.  My CNS crashed.  Over the past 3 and a half years, I have done what you, and a few others have advised in their writings, I have HELD to this small dose unflinching and am still on it.   The past three plus years are a continuous cycling of waves and windows.  My windows have become much more like Me, which is a huge blessing. My waves, still like clockwork, are a milder version for sure but are relentless.  And, sometimes, still very intense.  I am not where I need to be.  That is obvious to myself.  It is as if I cold turkey’d from the drug, only I still one day will have more tapering to do.  I refuse to taper until my CNS has reached stability.  It has been an agonizingly slow process.  

 

I have really learned so much from you.  I listened very closely to what you have said and written.  I stopped the taper.  I’ve held and held and I’ve held some more.  I have listened to my body very closely and thrown away the calendar, even though I am very aware of the long and slow process.  I have refused to compound my WD situation.  I continue to wait for stability. I hope in the healing process, and I work hard not to get in the way of what my body needs to do.  As you know, it is painfully slow for some of us.  

 

I read your posts and I am so glad you came back as I have wondered how and what you are doing.  I have wondered where you are at in your process.  I read your recent post that this February will be ten years for you in tapering.  I am relatively convinced that, one day, hopeful that I will be able to resume my taper, that it will take me equally long.  One day I hope to resume the last of my taper in turtle fashion.  That is my hope and plan.  

 

I want to thank you.  Thank you for posting about yourself, your experiences, what you have and are learning, and passing onto me as I walk this journey.  Thank you.  Never in a million years would I have believed that 8.5 years on one drug, could have so profoundly changed my CNS and entire body.  Had I not come to live this, I would not believe it was possible.  

 

I am so encouraged by your life story.  It brings me hope in the darkness of this experience and very very slow process. 

 

Sincerely,

Jamie.  

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getofflex

Jamie, I am terribly sorry for your ordeal.  I am praying for you, for healing for your nervous system.  You sound like a very strong and courageous person.  Keep up the good work.  

 

Jennifer

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gigi63

I thank you Jennifer, for your prayers and compassion.  Strong? Courageous?   I just know the truth now and I want myself back.  Factory settings.  So, by the grace of my God, I persevere.  Thank you.  

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getofflex
12 hours ago, gigi63 said:

I thank you Jennifer, for your prayers and compassion.  Strong? Courageous?   I just know the truth now and I want myself back.  Factory settings.  So, by the grace of my God, I persevere.  Thank you.  

I also rely on the grace of God and Jesus Christ.  That is the only way I could get through this. 

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Rhiannon
On 10/25/2019 at 8:42 AM, elbee said:

Rhiannon, thank you for coming back to share an update. When I was "in the thick of things" your words (in your own story and in what you shared with others) made a lot of sense to me. It's great to hear you are finding continued healing  👍 😉

 

 

You were in an incredibly rough place. I know . . . I've been in that place, too. And to NOT be in a place of overwhelm, despair and just barely holding on can very much feel like a gift to me today when I revisit those most difficult times (places) within myself. I hear you talking about that gift too, I think? And like you, reconnecting with my body and everything "below the neckline" has grounded me in my healing process, too.

 

 

While there has definitely been a cognitive "connecting the dots" part of my healing, the deepest healing for me too has not been along a cognitive path. In fact, I discovered in myself that the "cognitive" was actually a tool to keep me above the neckline and not below it within my own body. Below the neck held terror from many years ago, and I ran from it my whole life. Thinking allowed me not to feel or experience the most intimate parts of myself (both primal and vulnerable). Reclaiming those parts of who I am is providing me with a new inner compass. 

 

 

Wow, to find happiness coming out of the "dark night of the soul" is profound. "Happiness" has an entirely new meaning for me as I've gone through my taper / healing / recovery process. It sounds to me in what you write that perhaps you are finding something along those lines too?

 

 

To me all this sounds like self-attunement and self-care. For me, going with a new, more gentle and patient pace has been frustrating, as well. But I also feel like this is the path towards living a very different way of life . . . one that doesn't require me to drug myself. 

 

 

This statement is incredibly profound to me, and it speaks of acceptance. I used to think "acceptance" meant giving up . . . and that if I gave up I would die. But somehow, my life is moving away from a binary / dualistic framework and into something much broader. And as my life broadens in this way, I'm incredibly finding a place to live that has evaded me my whole life . . . a realm of "OK-ness" (perhaps contentment?). And like you say, for me that has been an incremental process, which is why the slow taper approach to withdrawal for me has been surest path of healing.

 

Again, thanks for sharing your courage and your gifts! ❤️ 🙏 😊

 

 

@elbee, thank you so much for your wisdom and your sharing. It's an intense path, but so worth it as we grow and deepen in wisdom and healing.

 

And I think people who have survived the worst of what humanity can do to others, and come through it with some kind of sense of harmony and hope, have a lot to offer the world. Thank you for being you.

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Rhiannon
On 10/28/2019 at 11:07 AM, gigi63 said:

Hello Rhiannon.  I would like to introduce myself to you.  My name is Jamie.  

 

Rhiannon, I have followed your words very closely since my CNS crash in April of 2016.  It occurred after a ten month, too fast, irradic taper.  That is when I found SA.   At the advice of the moderators, I up dosed a tiny bit from where I was at, but frankly, the injury was sustained.  My CNS crashed.  Over the past 3 and a half years, I have done what you, and a few others have advised in their writings, I have HELD to this small dose unflinching and am still on it.   The past three plus years are a continuous cycling of waves and windows.  My windows have become much more like Me, which is a huge blessing. My waves, still like clockwork, are a milder version for sure but are relentless.  And, sometimes, still very intense.  I am not where I need to be.  That is obvious to myself.  It is as if I cold turkey’d from the drug, only I still one day will have more tapering to do.  I refuse to taper until my CNS has reached stability.  It has been an agonizingly slow process.  

 

I have really learned so much from you.  I listened very closely to what you have said and written.  I stopped the taper.  I’ve held and held and I’ve held some more.  I have listened to my body very closely and thrown away the calendar, even though I am very aware of the long and slow process.  I have refused to compound my WD situation.  I continue to wait for stability. I hope in the healing process, and I work hard not to get in the way of what my body needs to do.  As you know, it is painfully slow for some of us.  

 

I read your posts and I am so glad you came back as I have wondered how and what you are doing.  I have wondered where you are at in your process.  I read your recent post that this February will be ten years for you in tapering.  I am relatively convinced that, one day, hopeful that I will be able to resume my taper, that it will take me equally long.  One day I hope to resume the last of my taper in turtle fashion.  That is my hope and plan.  

 

I want to thank you.  Thank you for posting about yourself, your experiences, what you have and are learning, and passing onto me as I walk this journey.  Thank you.  Never in a million years would I have believed that 8.5 years on one drug, could have so profoundly changed my CNS and entire body.  Had I not come to live this, I would not believe it was possible.  

 

I am so encouraged by your life story.  It brings me hope in the darkness of this experience and very very slow process. 

 

Sincerely,

Jamie.  

 

@gigi63-- there is SO MUCH hope! 

 

I know three and a half years is a forever time when you're living through it, but it really will keep getting better. I think I am still healing from my years on the drugs before beginning the taper in 2010.  It just keeps getting better, even though I am still tapering very slowly. Of course we're not all the same, but I was in indescribably bad shape for many years. Yet here I am, doing pretty well. I don't know at my age and with my long time on the drugs if I will ever get back to factory settings, but I'm in a place now that I feel really happy and grateful for. There is a future for me that I wasn't able to see even five years ago, which I feel hopeful about and sometimes even contented and at peace.

 

It will get better. In fact from here on in, "better" is the direction it's sure to go and pretty much the only direction it CAN go, as long as you keep taking care of yourself. It's still a journey. But you're going to have such a deeper appreciation for life, and I believe probably a deeper understanding of your spiritual being as well. Life may not always be great, but it will be rich, and you'll be grateful to yourself for taking the time you are taking now to heal. Hang in there.

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gigi63

Thank you Rhiannon!!!😘😘😘. I am going to stay right here and wait it out.  Progress has been so slow but, it is coming, bit by bit.  I know it is!!!  Thank you.  You are a blessing.  

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