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Shame, guilt, regret and self-criticism


Healing

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On 2/8/2019 at 4:05 AM, thecowisback said:

i envy people with quiet minds - i've always been an overthinker my whole life but this constant noise of doubts, fear, guilt etc is just unbearable. i just want a switch to turn it all off. 

 

last summer I read Dr. Weil's book Spontaneous Happiness. (this is a terrible name for it, the book should be called Lifestyle Choices for Mood Disturbances or something like that) - anyway, I was very inspired to read that he has had mood swings all his life but they have become much more mild and manageable through simple things like breathing exercises, meditation, and healthier eating. 

 

gave me hope!

Currently taking Ramapril (blood pressure) 5 mg twice a day

Omeprazole 10 mg AM and 20 mg PM  (the taper has gone nowhere after the first cut)

Famotidine   once a day (and I still needs tums sometimes)

magnesium 200 mg at night

as of yesterday 2 fish oil capsules "EPA-DHA 1000"

 

off Lexapro as of 5/2018  - last dose had been 5 mg every other day for a couple years

 

highest dose had been 20 mg at which point I was diagnosed with Bipolar II, which went away when I cut the lexapro down to 15 mg. 

 

I spent years on Paxil before Lexapro (can't remember dose), briefly on Effexor and Abilify and others I have forgotten. in fact, when I was diagnoses with BPII I was put on all kinds of things which made me feel so bad I stopped them cold turkey within maybe 3 or 4 weeks, thank goodness. since then I've known these pills were terrible and I weaned down the Lexapro with zero help or support over I'm not sure how many years. 

 

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i have so many self help books on the go. they're in a pile under my coffee table and i haven't managed to finish one of them yet 😑

Took prozac 40 mg for 20 years.

January 2017 started cutting down prozac by 12.5% a week. End of February 2017 completely off prozac and withdrawals began.

Currently taking Levothyroxine 75 mcg, Magnesium citrate 200mg,Sage leaf 50mg daily

Amlodipine: October 2017 , discontinued 26 Feb 2019; Candesartan:  26 Feb 2019, 4mg.

Discontinued magnesium citrate 200mg Apr 3rd 2019

Reinstated prozac:  14 Jan 2019, 1mg; 26 Jan, 1.5mg; 4 Feb, 2mg; 16 Feb, 2.5mg; 2 Mar, 3mg; 5 Mar, 2.5mg, 23 Mar, 3 mg; 6 Apr, 3.5mg, 14 Apr 4mg, 23 Apr 5mg, 10 Jul 8mg, 1 Dec 20mg, 1 Apr 2020 40mg 

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On 2/8/2019 at 7:05 AM, thecowisback said:

it's so hard  for others to understand if they haven't been through it themselves. i envy people with quiet minds - i've always been an overthinker my whole life but this constant noise of doubts, fear, guilt etc is just unbearable. i just want a switch to turn it all off. 

 

Blissful ignorance is looking good. 

Pristiq tapered over 8 months ending Spring 2011 after 18 years of polydrugging that began w/Zoloft for fatigue/general malaise (not mood). CURRENT: 1mg Klonopin qhs (SSRI bruxism), 75mg trazodone qhs, various hormonesLitigation for 11 years for Work-related injury, settled 2004. Involuntary medical retirement in 2001 (age 39). 2012 - brain MRI showing diffuse, chronic cerebrovascular damage/demyelination possibly vasculitis/cerebritis. Dx w/autoimmune polyendocrine failure.<p>2013 - Dx w/CNS Sjogren's Lupus (FANA antibodies first appeared in 1997 but missed by doc).

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  • 1 month later...
On 5/12/2011 at 12:44 AM, Healing said:

Whatever you felt bad about before you took meds is now amplified

This is the crux of it. The terror of all my failures, all my wounds. As if they constantly play on a projector in front of me. Haunted. Of course, having to spend so much time hermiting because you feel ill does not help one become less myopic.

1999:  Paroxetine (20mg). Age 16. 2007-2008: Fluoxetine (Prozac) for 1.5 years (age 25) Citalopram 20mg 2002-2005, 2009: Escitalopram (20mg), 2 weeks, (age 26) (adverse  reaction)/*Valium 5mg/Temazepam 10mg 2010: Mirtazipine (Remeron)( do not remember dosage) 2010, 5 months.                     2010-2017: Citalopram (20mg) (age 27 to 34) 2016: i.1st Sept- 31st Oct Citalopram 10mg , ii.1st November 2017-30th November 2017, Citalopram 5mg iii.1st December 2017- 4th February 2018, Citalopram 0mg, iv.5th February 2018- March 2018 Citalopram 5mg (10mg every other day) 28th February- tried titration of 5mg ( some adverse effects)

2018: 1st March 2018- 1st June Citalopram 10 mg (tablet form) /started titration 8mg , then 7 mg.2018: June 15th- 10th July Citalopram 10 mg pill every other day 2018: 10th July - 13th Sept Citalopram- 0mg  (CBD oil first month of 0mg, passiflora on and off) 2018 13th Sept Citalopram  2mg ,  approx 16th Sept 4mg , approx 25th Sept 6mg held.  2019: 11 Feb 19: 7mg (instant bad rxn) 12 Feb 19 6mg held 1 May 19 5.4mg held 5 Oct 19 5.36mg 22 Oct 19 5.29mg 30 Oct 19 5.23mg 4/NOV/19 5.18mg 12 Nov 19 5.08mg 20 Nov 19 4.77mg 7 May 22 2.31mg 17/09/2023 0.8mg

(Herbal/Supplements since 1st September: Omega Fish Oil 1200mg, 663mg of EPA- 2 tablets a day, magnesium and magnesium bath salts)

I did not die, and yet I lost life’s breath
- Dante
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  • 4 weeks later...

this thread is me. at the moment i have constant rumination and compairing myself to all my peers. feelings of being worthless, shame, a fool. everything is a trigger: tv, music, cars, people laughing.

 

 

all i can do is walk to physically wear myself out.

 

20+ years EffexorXR 150mg. and Lorazepam PRN <- I rarely took this and never developed a problem.
2017 (nov-dec?) -> Feb 2018 fast taper - flipped out in Feb. Reinstated with 75mg-150mg (?not sure) stabilized
2018 Feb Began year long taper - somehow made it to 50pellets, did fine
          Sept -  17 bbs <-- where I started keeping track
           Oct - 16 bbs, Nov - 15 bbs, Dec - 14 bbs
2019 Jan - 13bbs, Feb - 12bbs, Feb Had problems - found SA
           March 19 - 15bbs,  April 17 - 20bbs  <--Updosing

 

Supplements: Multivitamin,  Fish Oil, B Complex, Magnesium, GABA,  L-Theanine, Inositol

Low sugar/carb diet, plenty of exercise. Meditation
Blood test Results: High in Copper, Low in Zinc, Very high whole blood hystamines

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20 hours ago, DogLover said:

all i can do is walk to physically wear myself out.

 

I read a quote somewhere "motion conquers emotion" and it sure can help. 

 

as does knowing it's temporary. 🤗

Currently taking Ramapril (blood pressure) 5 mg twice a day

Omeprazole 10 mg AM and 20 mg PM  (the taper has gone nowhere after the first cut)

Famotidine   once a day (and I still needs tums sometimes)

magnesium 200 mg at night

as of yesterday 2 fish oil capsules "EPA-DHA 1000"

 

off Lexapro as of 5/2018  - last dose had been 5 mg every other day for a couple years

 

highest dose had been 20 mg at which point I was diagnosed with Bipolar II, which went away when I cut the lexapro down to 15 mg. 

 

I spent years on Paxil before Lexapro (can't remember dose), briefly on Effexor and Abilify and others I have forgotten. in fact, when I was diagnoses with BPII I was put on all kinds of things which made me feel so bad I stopped them cold turkey within maybe 3 or 4 weeks, thank goodness. since then I've known these pills were terrible and I weaned down the Lexapro with zero help or support over I'm not sure how many years. 

 

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  • 1 month later...

Thank you so much for this post Healing...

 

Beautiful... So lovely to read and learn,

 

Shane.

Reason for Medication

Anxiety (money problems, future, lack of physical safety, dangerous environment) causing mild insomnia.

 

Summary    

2010 - Lexapro - (took one tablet (vomiting, tremors, high anxiety) stopped without any issues)

2013 - Cymbalta - (60mg daily for 7 months - cold turkey without any major issues aside from nausea/vomiting, "brain zaps" and dizziness)

2013 - Seroquel - (a low dose for roughly 1 month - weight gain of 20kg, cold turkey because of rapid weight gain without any issues)

2018 - September 4th - (Cymbalta 20mg for two days, stopped due to tremors & anxiety)

2018 - September 9th - (Olanzapine 2.5mg until October 3rd, then 5mg once, then back to 2.5mg once, then took random varying doses every day for a week from 2.5mg up to 5.0mg due to panic caused by the drug, then I attempted withdrawal Cold Turkey (recommenced at lower dose after 4 days of trying to withdraw Cold Turkey - I took 0.625mg every night until I finally successfully stopped cold turkey roughly one week later).

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  • 7 months later...
On 5/12/2011 at 1:07 AM, Hopeful said:

Great post, Healing!

Great post

  • 13th of August 2019 started to take 20 mg citalopram
  • 😀24th of August 2019 down to 10mg stopped citalopram altogether on the 30th of August 2019
Quote

Short term citalopram

 

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Thank you for the exercise thought @DogLover , I tried it and it really helped. I keep waking(if I've been lucky enough to go to sleep) and then going through the hurtful things I've said or stupid things I've done, and it makes me sweat with horror. Unfortunately, in the middle of the night, going walking is not so doable. Thanks for the wise quote @JackieDecidesI love 'em.

citalopram 20mg 2008-2011

venlafaxine 37 1/2 mg rising to 225 mg 2011- June 2019

gabapentin 900mg, started around 2005, came off quickly Nov 2019.

valium 2mg when required for panic Sep-Nov 2019.

Ativan  1mg when required for anxiety 1st-30th Nov 2019.

Was addicted to valium in 1970s but came off it then, v.bad withdrawals.

Now

Lansoprazole 2/3 of 15mg.

Magnesium Citrate, 1/5 oz or 5 gms in water.

Fish oil 1000mg. upped to 2000mg Feb 2020.

 

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4 hours ago, Dragon said:

Thank you for the exercise thought @DogLover , I tried it and it really helped. I keep waking(if I've been lucky enough to go to sleep) and then going through the hurtful things I've said or stupid things I've done, and it makes me sweat with horror. Unfortunately, in the middle of the night, going walking is not so doable. Thanks for the wise quote @JackieDecidesI love 'em.

 

4 hours ago, Dragon said:

Thank you for the exercise thought @DogLover , I tried it and it really helped. I keep waking(if I've been lucky enough to go to sleep) and then going through the hurtful things I've said or stupid things I've done, and it makes me sweat with horror. Unfortunately, in the middle of the night, going walking is not so doable. Thanks for the wise quote @JackieDecidesI love 'em.

I to have fearful thoughts they're just horrible

  • 13th of August 2019 started to take 20 mg citalopram
  • 😀24th of August 2019 down to 10mg stopped citalopram altogether on the 30th of August 2019
Quote

Short term citalopram

 

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  • 3 months later...

It's amazing to me the emotional pain, swirling thoughts bordering on the psychotic, and rumination over things that happened when I was on these drugs 10-11-12 years ago. It's like I'm reliving all the emotional pain and embarrassment of trying to keep my sh*t together when I first went on SSRIs in 2007. I was working at the time and at University. After accutane ruined me, I was put on Lexapro and for many years I felt completely cut off from society, from friends, peers, etc... I felt so socially uncomfortable and just like a joke trying to get through each day dealing with ssri wd/sxs that made my life a living hell. Horrible anxiety, depression akathisia, a lot of the same insane wd sxs I have now 11 months off Prozac. For so many years I had to fake it, trying to cope as best I could while dealing with level 10 intensity of ssri/benzo type sxs, and now I'm feeling all of the embarrassment and lots of extra self loathing, hatred, embarrassment, inadequacy x 100, because of Prozac wd/body healing from the decade plus of being on ssris. It's shocking to me that a person can go through this. It really is. I understand rationally that this is wd, but the pain is so real. Hard to believe.

Took Accutane in 2007 at age 19 and a severe reaction to it threw me into Psychiatry's dirty hands. Suffered through a number of c/t's, rapid tapers, drug switches, reinstatements before finally figuring out what was happening to me in 2012 after checking out of psych hospital with a prescription for Ativan and Prozac. (Went in because was unknowingly in Xanax c/t wd and dying at the time from it).

 

May 2016 - Last dose of Valium after 2 year long taper from 15mg

June 2017- Last dose of the corticosteroid Hydrocortisone after taper

July 2019- Last dose of Prozac after 2 year long taper from 30mg

 

Was on Accutane, Lexapro, Celexa, Xanax, Ativan, Prozac, Hydrocorisone, Valium, and thyroid meds when none of them were needed. Still recovering to this day and hope to be healed in the coming months, but taking it one day at a time.

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  • 2 weeks later...
  • Moderator
On 2/8/2019 at 11:05 PM, thecowisback said:

it's so hard  for others to understand if they haven't been through it themselves. i envy people with quiet minds - i've always been an overthinker my whole life but this constant noise of doubts, fear, guilt etc is just unbearable. i just want a switch to turn it all off. 

 

My take on that is that it's something subconscious clamouring to be dealt with.  Why I take that view is that the noise in my head basically disappeared (say by 90-95%) after unearthing and working through root trauma with my psychologist using EMDR. 

 

I was relieved of a huge weight of guilt and shame - once it became clear to me, it felt like literally hundreds of kgs on top of me, that it had been there since I was small, and had not been perceptible to me (as per first post in this thread).  It lifted off me.  I feel other such weights now and again, though lesser.  We'll mop up the rest a bit later, I'm basically out the other side.

 

After those sessions I couldn't believe that I wasn't scratchy, irritable or demanding solitude in the morning the next night I spent at a friend's without much sleep.  That was a first.

I am not a health professional - your actions are your own.  

Please do not seek tapering support via private message - "Any reason to hold is a good one"

My taper visualised as a graph   |   My intro thread

Backdrop:  2003 10mg olanzapine | 2004 2-3mg risperidone | end 2014 3wks aripiprazole

2015: olanzapine  10 -> 7½ -> 6⅔ -> 5mg  by crude pill cutter

2018:  Mar 5.00mg -> water titrated taper -> Aug2.5mg tablet and hold

Jan 2019 2.50mg water titration -> Jan 2020 1.214  -> Jan 2021 0.44 -> 2 Oct 0.205 ->3 Oct ZERO🥂

Jun 2023 💉150mg paliperidone "loading" depot shot, 100mg 1wk after Jul 100mg Aug-Dec 75mg/4wks

Jul 2023 2.50mg aripiprazole/day attempt to lower prolactin^

Jan-Feb 2024 cross taper off shots to 1mg risperidone

 

Ask not what you can do for your country, but what your country did to you"  -- KMFDM

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  • 3 months later...

I'm feeling guilty after i made a mistake that I quickly corrected. No one was hurt at all, but the thought i betrayed my own ethics is something challenging to deal with. I spoke with my therapist yesterday and he essentially provided some context for why I made that mistake but also that it was not only good that i corrected it immediately but that I really didn't follow through with it as It hadn't been processed nor was it a completed mistake.   He also said that it  shows I have integrity, that I'm not a bad person who goes around hurting others etc  Then later all other mistakes that I've made seem to come over me, then i worry about the first mistake affecting me despite correcting it.  He also told me that its inevitable for humans to make mistakes. I thought i had to confess to a bureaucrat but he advised against it, and said they're not a confessional. That gave me major relief to a certain extent.  But then I keep experiencing rumination and distracting myself is challenging.

 

It seems my brains negativity bias is in overdrive.  I've had some trouble sleeping and general anxiety, the last 3-4 nights I'm waking after near 4hrs or less sleep  Sometimes i can get back to sleep for an 1hr or 2hr but overall i feel my sleep quality isn't the best. Even before this a couple weeks back I had experienced some thoughts of self-harm of cutting my wrists so i gotta acknowledge that this is part of medication withdrawal.  I will not act on it and I definitely want to get off medication due to all the horrific side effects.

 

I also understand now that lower doses of mirtazapine or any antidepressant can exaggerate emotions but this feels crushing at times.  Obviously i need to work more on self-acceptance and forgiveness probably more so now.

 

I have also experienced some sleep anxiety that probably would have affected me regardless of the mistake but feels like an extra burden. 

 

What strategies could ppl suggest?

 

 

Finasteride 1mg daily 2005 - April (approx) 2016 did have break from them.

Dex amphetamine 30mg Daily taken irregularly March 2012 - March 2015

Lexapro April 2016 only took 1 tablet unsure what mg ended up in emergency with thoughts of self harm discharged from hospital was given 20mg Valium and 30mg mirtazapine

30mg April 2016 - current been tapering from 30mg, 15mg May 2016, 7.5mg July 2016,Aug 2016 3.75mg Cold turkey Sept 2016 reinstated after 12dayslater 3.75mg Feb 2017 3.4mg March 2017 3.2mg April 2017 3mg

June 25, 2017 2.8mg August 14th 2017, 2.7mg, Sept 18, 2017 2.6mg Oct 26 up-dose 2.65mg due to 5 weeks of severe withdrawal 2.6mg 23rd Nov 2017 30th 2.5mg Nov 2017 2.4mg  19th Dec 2017  then forced 2.45mg up-dose 2.45mg due to severe withdrawals 2nd Jan 2018 up-dose  2.5mg 4th Jan 2018 withdrawals were too severe up-dose 2.55mg 23 Jan 2018  continued severe withdrawals near 3 weeks, 14th March 2018 2.5mg, 24th June 2018 2.45mg, 2.4mg 25th July 2018, 2.35mg 7th August 2018, 2.3mg 22nd October 2018, 2.25mg, 2.2mg 6th Dec 2018, 2.1mg 12 January 2019, 2mg 23rd Jan 2019, 1.95mg 12 March 2019, 1.9mg 12th March 2019, 1.85mg 22 June 2019, 1.8mg 19th July 2019, 1.75mg 16 Sep 2019, 1.7mg 4 October 2019, 1.75mg 5 October - severe withdrawals, need to complete essays. 1.7mg 11th November 2019, 1.65mg 2019 Had horrific nightmare up-dose  to 1.7mg on 18th December 2019, 24th December 2019 1.65mg, 17th January 2020 1.6mg-long hold due to ongoing severe withdrawals, low blood pressure, what appears to be chronic fatigue, depression, anxiety. 15th May 2020 1.58mg, 3rd August 2020 1.56mg, 2nd September 2020 1.54mg, 28th September 2020 1.52mg experienced nightmare, along with severe withdrawals, air hunger & high anxiety, due to exams will temporarily up-dose on 30th September 2020 1.54mg

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  • ChessieCat changed the title to Shame, guilt, regret and self-criticism
  • 2 weeks later...
  • Moderator Emeritus

Hi Starboy17, I hope you are doing better.  As I go through this horrible withdrawal process, I've noticed intense phases where I scour my ethical behavior (or other people's...) with the guilt, shame, and reproach already in mind even before I find some targets.  It's as if the chemicals or parts of my brain that feel those emotions were activated with or without a cause.  The guilt is so excruciating, isn't it?  I admire you though because it seems to imply also in you a concern for your impact on others.  I have a Zen friend who kindly repeats to me, "Let it go--"  In fact, probably, you already have.  Or maybe, another difficult feeling has taken its place.  In mentioning this to you, I'm saying it also to myself, we can't let these storms of withdrawal agitations stick.  As I attempt to let them go today, I'll be thinking of you.  Thank you for sharing here.

Arbor

 

Edited by ChessieCat
unbolded

Zoloft: 1995 - 2015

Prozac: 2015 - 2018 (tapered from 40mg x day on July 31 to 30mg on August 31 to 20mg on September 31 to 10mg October 31 to 0mg on  December 15, 2018

Gabapentin: 2016 to 2019  (tapered from 300mg x day to 150mg on August 31, 2019 to 75mg on September 15 to 50mg on September 31 to 25ishmg on October 15 to 0mg on December 1, 2019

Enalapril: 2010 - 2019

Lipitor: 2017 -2017

Metformin: 2000 - 2020

Liothyronine: 2007 - 2019

Levothyroxine: 2000 - 2022

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  • 2 weeks later...

Hi I’m tapering off Mirtazapine too and I have intrusive thoughts of self harm especially when I’m going to sleep.

Sept 22 - Sept 26: 15mg Mirtazapine / Sept 27: 7.5mg Mirtazapine <-- wanted to wean off / Sept 28: 1mg Ativan <-- tried to come off Mirtazapine  & Sept 29: no pill <-- Couldn't sleep!

Sept 30 - Oct2: 22.5 mg Mirtazapine plus 1mg Ativan

Oct3 - Oct16: 30 mg Mirtazapine

Oct 17 - Oct20: 15 mg Mirtazapine <-- Dr suggested I switch because 30mg made me depressed.

Oct 21: 1mg Ativan <-- Doctor suggest I taper off Mirtazapine and use Ativan to sleep to take Mirtazapine every other day for 2 weeks and every 3 days on the 3rd week.

 

 

 

 

 

 

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  • 4 months later...
On 5/12/2011 at 12:44 AM, Healing said:

We are designed to learn from our experience. We're not born knowing everything. There is an infinite amount to learn. We can only ever act based on incomplete knowledge. We have strong feelings and strong needs. And so we do things that we later regret. This cannot be avoided. It is a part of being human.

 

There is a global pandemic of shame, guilt, and self-criticism. We are all vulnerable to it. We all need to feel good about ourselves and feel that others approve of us. That's universal.

 

Some of us were raised in families where, unfortunately, shaming, guilt-tripping, and criticism were used a lot, so we have to deal with this even more. Big Pharma, and the advertising industry take advantage of this human need, and make a profit from it. Everyone is somewhere on a path of recovery of dealing with this.

 

Illness of any kind tends to make these feelings worse, because when you're ill, you're not functioning in line with norms and expectations. "I should be getting better faster." "I shouldn't have gotten sick in the first place." "I must deserve punishment and that's why this happened." "I'm not handling this as well as other people."

 

And then, you add the fact that *our* particular illness involves temporary neurological damage that makes these feelings even worse. It may be that the prefrontal cortex, which makes us temperate in our assessments, is under-performing. And the amygdala, which is reactive and negatively biased, is over-performing. Whatever you felt bad about before you took meds is now amplified.

 

Plus things you never dreamt of feeling bad about have been added to the list. So, now we have neuro-shame, neuro-guilt, and neuro-self-criticism. This neurological damage will eventually end all by itself. You don't even have to do anything. The part of this that is psychological can be addressed, too. You can decide whether you feel well enough to do that now, or should wait until later, do it on your own, or with a therapist.

 

In the meantime, you can do a simple, yet revolutionary act that will make your life a tiny bit easier, and maybe even spur the healing a bit. The way to do this is to practice where you put your attention. Culture, family, personal history, illness, and toxic meds -- all these factors conspire to make you focus on your flaws (real and imagined).

 

So, every time you choose to shift your attention from this for even five seconds, it is a revolutionary act. You can focus on anything else -- the image of a tree, spaciousness, a beloved pet, your ideal future, God, a compliment someone gave you recently, your breath.

 

This may seem like nothing, but every time you *choose* where to put your attention, it is a revolutionary act that has profound ramifications. It's revolutionary just to notice that you're feeling shame, guilt, self-criticism.

 

It's revolutionary to permit yourself to try, to dare to try, to dare to hope. These are the really big achievements. Everything else -- like five seconds of focusing on something relieving or cheering -- is icing on the cake.

 

See also "Neuro-emotion" http://survivingantidepressants.org/index.php?/topic/137-neuro-emotion/

 

And "Self-directed Neuroplasticity" http://survivingantidepressants.org/index.php?/topic/192-self-directed-neuroplasticity/for more on these ideas.

I can’t get the links to neuro emotion and self directed neuroplasticity to work, are they still live somewhere?

Paroxetine/Paxil: 20 mg 1996-99, CT, 20 mg 2003-2014, CT; Venlafaxine/Effexor: 150 mg 2014-2016, 75 mg 2016-2018, 37,5 mg 2018-2019,18,5 mg 2019-May 2020, CT (withdrawal problems begin); Tried Sertraline/Zoloft, Prozac, buspirone/Buspar: May-Aug 2020;

testosterone cypronate 12.5mg Pd Oct 2020 -present,  Hcg 100iu PDOct 2021 -present.

 Mirtazapine: 15 mg Aug-Nov 2020, 30 mg Nov-Dec 2020, 15 mg, March 2021-present Tadalifil 2.5mg PD, 5mg 3pd. exemestane 6.25mg every 3days   Jan 2020 to 23 Mar 2021, CT; Trazodone: 150 mg Mar 2021 (one week); Paroxetine: 10 mg, 23-29 Mar 2021; Mirtazapine: 3.75 mg, 29 Mar to 13 Jun 2021, forced CT in hospital; Zopiclone: 7.5 mg, 13 June 2020 (4 nights); Bisopropol fumarate (beta blocker): 1.75 mg, 16 June to 30 July 2021; Mirtazapine/Remeron: 1.75 mg, 16 June to 31 Aug 2021, 1.5 mg, 1 Sept 2021-10 Oct Solifenacin succinate (colinergic receptor agonist): 10mg, 16 Aug 2021-12 Oct 2021

Amoxicillin:1.5G PD, 01-29 Aug 2021.

oxytetracyline :1g PD, 5-10 Oct 2021 metronidazole 0.75% gel, 19 Oct 2021-24 Oct buspirone. 21 Oct - 12 Nov Vortiotexitine :5mg, 
24 Oct- present propanalol 20mg PRN. 13 Nov -16 Nov 25mg Venlafaxine ER, 17 Nov-26 Nov 12.5mg, 12.5mg 12.5mg, 9mg, 9mg, 6mg, 6mg, 6mg 3mg, 3mg, Venlafaxine 

12 Oct- 1 NovZopliclone 7.5mg, 1 Nov-14 Nov 5.9mg, 14Nov-28Nov 3.75mg, 28Nov-14Dec 1.9mg, 14Dec-21Dec 7.5mg, 21Dec-4th Jan 5.9mg, 4thJan-present 4.8mg

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  • Moderator Emeritus

Hi @Alan1234 If you go to the Forum and under that, to Self care, you'll find topics dealing with neuro-emotions and self directed care.

 

The video on Neuroplasticity I've tried to send you worked once and now keeps disappearing.  You might try going online where there appear to be a number of videos you can access hopefully from there.  Also there are a number of books listed.

 

The success stories for me are all testimony to neuroplasticity--

Best wishes, Arbor 

Zoloft: 1995 - 2015

Prozac: 2015 - 2018 (tapered from 40mg x day on July 31 to 30mg on August 31 to 20mg on September 31 to 10mg October 31 to 0mg on  December 15, 2018

Gabapentin: 2016 to 2019  (tapered from 300mg x day to 150mg on August 31, 2019 to 75mg on September 15 to 50mg on September 31 to 25ishmg on October 15 to 0mg on December 1, 2019

Enalapril: 2010 - 2019

Lipitor: 2017 -2017

Metformin: 2000 - 2020

Liothyronine: 2007 - 2019

Levothyroxine: 2000 - 2022

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1 minute ago, arbor said:

Hi @Alan1234 If you go to the Forum and under that, to Self care, you'll find topics dealing with neuro-emotions and self directed care.

 

The video on Neuroplasticity I've tried to send you worked once and now keeps disappearing.  You might try going online where there appear to be a number of videos you can access hopefully from there.  Also there are a number of books listed.

 

The success stories for me are all testimony to neuroplasticity--

Best wishes, Arbor 

Thank you 

Paroxetine/Paxil: 20 mg 1996-99, CT, 20 mg 2003-2014, CT; Venlafaxine/Effexor: 150 mg 2014-2016, 75 mg 2016-2018, 37,5 mg 2018-2019,18,5 mg 2019-May 2020, CT (withdrawal problems begin); Tried Sertraline/Zoloft, Prozac, buspirone/Buspar: May-Aug 2020;

testosterone cypronate 12.5mg Pd Oct 2020 -present,  Hcg 100iu PDOct 2021 -present.

 Mirtazapine: 15 mg Aug-Nov 2020, 30 mg Nov-Dec 2020, 15 mg, March 2021-present Tadalifil 2.5mg PD, 5mg 3pd. exemestane 6.25mg every 3days   Jan 2020 to 23 Mar 2021, CT; Trazodone: 150 mg Mar 2021 (one week); Paroxetine: 10 mg, 23-29 Mar 2021; Mirtazapine: 3.75 mg, 29 Mar to 13 Jun 2021, forced CT in hospital; Zopiclone: 7.5 mg, 13 June 2020 (4 nights); Bisopropol fumarate (beta blocker): 1.75 mg, 16 June to 30 July 2021; Mirtazapine/Remeron: 1.75 mg, 16 June to 31 Aug 2021, 1.5 mg, 1 Sept 2021-10 Oct Solifenacin succinate (colinergic receptor agonist): 10mg, 16 Aug 2021-12 Oct 2021

Amoxicillin:1.5G PD, 01-29 Aug 2021.

oxytetracyline :1g PD, 5-10 Oct 2021 metronidazole 0.75% gel, 19 Oct 2021-24 Oct buspirone. 21 Oct - 12 Nov Vortiotexitine :5mg, 
24 Oct- present propanalol 20mg PRN. 13 Nov -16 Nov 25mg Venlafaxine ER, 17 Nov-26 Nov 12.5mg, 12.5mg 12.5mg, 9mg, 9mg, 6mg, 6mg, 6mg 3mg, 3mg, Venlafaxine 

12 Oct- 1 NovZopliclone 7.5mg, 1 Nov-14 Nov 5.9mg, 14Nov-28Nov 3.75mg, 28Nov-14Dec 1.9mg, 14Dec-21Dec 7.5mg, 21Dec-4th Jan 5.9mg, 4thJan-present 4.8mg

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8 hours ago, Alan1234 said:

I can’t get the links to neuro emotion and self directed neuroplasticity to work, are they still live somewhere?

 

To find a topic, use a search engine and add site:survivingantidepressants.org to the search term.

 

neuro-emotions

 

neuroplasticity-and-limbic-retraining

* NO LONGER ACTIVE on SA *

MISSION ACCOMPLISHED:  (6 year taper)      0mg Pristiq  on 13th November 2021

ADs since ~1992:  25+ years - 1 unknown, Prozac (muscle weakness), Zoloft; citalopram (pooped out) CTed (very sick for 2.5 wks a few months after); Pristiq:  50mg 2012, 100mg beg 2013 (Serotonin Toxicity)  Tapering from Oct 2015 - 13 Nov 2021   LAST DOSE 0.0025mg

Post 0 updates start here    My tapering program     My Intro (goes to tapering graph)

 VIDEO:   Antidepressant Withdrawal Syndrome and its Management

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  • 8 months later...
On 6/13/2011 at 6:30 PM, Altostrata said:

For a period, I'd have spells of vividly reliving shameful or emotionally painful events, and a lot of self-blaming. Like other symptoms, they became less frequent and finally (thankfully) disappeared.

 

It surely was a difficult period.

 

Do what you can to distract yourself, look at flowers, think of puppies and kittens (that's what I did) -- anything to get yourself through it.

I am experiencing a lot of that too, and it’s pure agony 😔 I feel I don’t deserve to be in this world.

At 15 years old: unknown antidepressant.
2005-2007: Venlafaxine. Overdosed on benzos.
2011- 2012: Fluoxetine.

2013: started Duloxetine. Overdosed on Zolpidem.
2015: started Venlafaxine 225mg prolonged release after crashing from stopping Duloxetine.
2021, 5th March: Venlafaxine crash from withdrawal begins (from 225mg to 37.5mg in 6 weeks then cold turkey by doctor’s advice).

2021 July: started taking 5HTP, GABA, LTheanine, LTaurine, multivitamin, fish oil, magnesium, holy basil and lithium Orotate, following Julia Ross’.
2021 August: doctor put me on beta blockers 40mg twice a day as I refuse to touch any psych medication. Currently tapering from 10mg.

September: hospitalised.

2021, 8th October: Mirtrazapine 15mg

2021, 18th October: Mirtrazapine to 30mg

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On 5/12/2011 at 12:44 AM, Healing said:

 

 

So, every time you choose to shift your attention from this for even five seconds, it is a revolutionary act. You can focus on anything else -- the image of a tree, spaciousness, a beloved pet, your ideal future, God, a compliment someone gave you recently, your breath.

 

 

I'm really struggling with huge self-criticism at the moment to the point of self hatred, so I have a feeling this statement will be referred to a lot in my healing journey. Thank you @Healing

 

 

History of depression and anxiety. Symptoms of PTSD. 1998-1999 Venlafaxine 2006-2007 Prozac.2013-15 Sertraline 50mg. 2015 cross-tapered to citalopram 20mg. 2015-2021 Citalopram 20mg (brief increase to 30mg for 2/3 months in 2019. 01/2021 Dropped from 20mg to 10mg, back up to 20mg til June. 25/6/21 stopped CT. Started 50mg 5htp after a week without citalopram in the hope this would balance out my serotonin levels. After 3 days increased to 100mg 5htp. 11/7/21 Stopped 5htp with the intention of reinstating citalopram at 1mg. 16/7/21 Reinstated cit at 1mg. 2/8/21 Increased dose to 2mg. 28/11/21 10% reduction to 1.8mg.

8/12/21 2mg 6/1/22 1.8mg 10/2/22 1.6mg 13/5/22 1.5mg 4/6/22 1.55mg 4/7/22 1.4mg 4/8/22 1.25mg 1/11/22 1.1mg 3/3/23 1mg 18/4/23 0.9mg 2/6/23 0.8mg 4/10/23 0.7mg 11/11/23 jumped off @0.7mg started on 5htp 200mg -400mg, L-Theanine, and L-tyrosine 200mg. 25/11/23 came off 5-htp, l-tyrosine and l-Theanine. 24/12/23 went on 7.5mg mirtazapine. 27/12/23 stopped mirtazapine & reinstated citalopram @.35mg. 1/1/24 increased to 0.5mg. PTSD diagnosis October 2023. 11/11/23 started EMDR therapy for PTSD. Multiple unsuccessful attempts to taper off citalopram. Vegan, otherwise healthy lifestyle. Other medications; tapering off combined HRT. Other supplements; magnesium glycinate, vegan omega3. Completely OFF caffeine (since July 21). Finding it difficult to completely give up alcohol but haven’t had any since 25/12/23. Main symptoms; crushing depression, anhedonia/emotional anesthesia, irritability, rage, anxiety/fear, intrusive thoughts, cognitive fog, inability to focus, restlessness and some insomnia

 

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Get into the habit of saying "I forgive myself" to yourself, many times a day.

This is not medical advice. Discuss any decisions about your medical care with a knowledgeable medical practitioner.

"It has become appallingly obvious that our technology has surpassed our humanity." -- Albert Einstein

All postings © copyrighted.

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Does anybody relate to sometimes feeling like they’re a ‘fraud’ and not really going through WD? I get this a lot. I read a lot of peoples struggles on here and my little self critical voice says, ‘their struggles are way worse than mine, I’m probably not even going through WD, I’m faking it for attention’ ….just wondering if anyone else gets this ( at this point the little voice says ‘no it’s just you, because you’re faking it!’) 

History of depression and anxiety. Symptoms of PTSD. 1998-1999 Venlafaxine 2006-2007 Prozac.2013-15 Sertraline 50mg. 2015 cross-tapered to citalopram 20mg. 2015-2021 Citalopram 20mg (brief increase to 30mg for 2/3 months in 2019. 01/2021 Dropped from 20mg to 10mg, back up to 20mg til June. 25/6/21 stopped CT. Started 50mg 5htp after a week without citalopram in the hope this would balance out my serotonin levels. After 3 days increased to 100mg 5htp. 11/7/21 Stopped 5htp with the intention of reinstating citalopram at 1mg. 16/7/21 Reinstated cit at 1mg. 2/8/21 Increased dose to 2mg. 28/11/21 10% reduction to 1.8mg.

8/12/21 2mg 6/1/22 1.8mg 10/2/22 1.6mg 13/5/22 1.5mg 4/6/22 1.55mg 4/7/22 1.4mg 4/8/22 1.25mg 1/11/22 1.1mg 3/3/23 1mg 18/4/23 0.9mg 2/6/23 0.8mg 4/10/23 0.7mg 11/11/23 jumped off @0.7mg started on 5htp 200mg -400mg, L-Theanine, and L-tyrosine 200mg. 25/11/23 came off 5-htp, l-tyrosine and l-Theanine. 24/12/23 went on 7.5mg mirtazapine. 27/12/23 stopped mirtazapine & reinstated citalopram @.35mg. 1/1/24 increased to 0.5mg. PTSD diagnosis October 2023. 11/11/23 started EMDR therapy for PTSD. Multiple unsuccessful attempts to taper off citalopram. Vegan, otherwise healthy lifestyle. Other medications; tapering off combined HRT. Other supplements; magnesium glycinate, vegan omega3. Completely OFF caffeine (since July 21). Finding it difficult to completely give up alcohol but haven’t had any since 25/12/23. Main symptoms; crushing depression, anhedonia/emotional anesthesia, irritability, rage, anxiety/fear, intrusive thoughts, cognitive fog, inability to focus, restlessness and some insomnia

 

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Hi @Kat66,

 

If you weren’t going through what you are you wouldn’t be here. I’m not an expert but it looks like there are many different manifestations of withdrawal.


I was wondering if you may have a close relative that is or was too hard on you?
To me, that harsh self criticism stems from my mum, who has always belittled me and my problems.

 

Take care

At 15 years old: unknown antidepressant.
2005-2007: Venlafaxine. Overdosed on benzos.
2011- 2012: Fluoxetine.

2013: started Duloxetine. Overdosed on Zolpidem.
2015: started Venlafaxine 225mg prolonged release after crashing from stopping Duloxetine.
2021, 5th March: Venlafaxine crash from withdrawal begins (from 225mg to 37.5mg in 6 weeks then cold turkey by doctor’s advice).

2021 July: started taking 5HTP, GABA, LTheanine, LTaurine, multivitamin, fish oil, magnesium, holy basil and lithium Orotate, following Julia Ross’.
2021 August: doctor put me on beta blockers 40mg twice a day as I refuse to touch any psych medication. Currently tapering from 10mg.

September: hospitalised.

2021, 8th October: Mirtrazapine 15mg

2021, 18th October: Mirtrazapine to 30mg

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30 minutes ago, Bego82 said:

Hi @Kat66,

 

If you weren’t going through what you are you wouldn’t be here. I’m not an expert but it looks like there are many different manifestations of withdrawal.


I was wondering if you may have a close relative that is or was too hard on you?
To me, that harsh self criticism stems from my mum, who has always belittled me and my problems.

 

Take care

Hi @Kat66

 

you are very wise. My mum is also that person.
Also the anti depressants changed my personality so much I spent many years being selfish, egotistical and really hurting a lot of people. I can’t get over the things I did and regret and beat myself up over these lost years everyday. I think all this guilt and grief haunts me everyday and this in combination with living with my mother again is keeping me in trauma. I know the bible says Jesus have his life so God would forgive our sins but I just can’t seem to move past forgiving myself, 

 

Unfortunately I’ve lost everything, health, wife, job, house so I’m currently living back with my mum who is poorly and old now. I love her but it isn’t really conjunctive to my healing but I have no income, and my health is that bad at present, I’m unable to work or not well enough to consider living on my own. My brother has to come in and cook tea for us both every evening. 
 

All I can do is try and learn the lesson of the situation I am in. 

 

Paroxetine/Paxil: 20 mg 1996-99, CT, 20 mg 2003-2014, CT; Venlafaxine/Effexor: 150 mg 2014-2016, 75 mg 2016-2018, 37,5 mg 2018-2019,18,5 mg 2019-May 2020, CT (withdrawal problems begin); Tried Sertraline/Zoloft, Prozac, buspirone/Buspar: May-Aug 2020;

testosterone cypronate 12.5mg Pd Oct 2020 -present,  Hcg 100iu PDOct 2021 -present.

 Mirtazapine: 15 mg Aug-Nov 2020, 30 mg Nov-Dec 2020, 15 mg, March 2021-present Tadalifil 2.5mg PD, 5mg 3pd. exemestane 6.25mg every 3days   Jan 2020 to 23 Mar 2021, CT; Trazodone: 150 mg Mar 2021 (one week); Paroxetine: 10 mg, 23-29 Mar 2021; Mirtazapine: 3.75 mg, 29 Mar to 13 Jun 2021, forced CT in hospital; Zopiclone: 7.5 mg, 13 June 2020 (4 nights); Bisopropol fumarate (beta blocker): 1.75 mg, 16 June to 30 July 2021; Mirtazapine/Remeron: 1.75 mg, 16 June to 31 Aug 2021, 1.5 mg, 1 Sept 2021-10 Oct Solifenacin succinate (colinergic receptor agonist): 10mg, 16 Aug 2021-12 Oct 2021

Amoxicillin:1.5G PD, 01-29 Aug 2021.

oxytetracyline :1g PD, 5-10 Oct 2021 metronidazole 0.75% gel, 19 Oct 2021-24 Oct buspirone. 21 Oct - 12 Nov Vortiotexitine :5mg, 
24 Oct- present propanalol 20mg PRN. 13 Nov -16 Nov 25mg Venlafaxine ER, 17 Nov-26 Nov 12.5mg, 12.5mg 12.5mg, 9mg, 9mg, 6mg, 6mg, 6mg 3mg, 3mg, Venlafaxine 

12 Oct- 1 NovZopliclone 7.5mg, 1 Nov-14 Nov 5.9mg, 14Nov-28Nov 3.75mg, 28Nov-14Dec 1.9mg, 14Dec-21Dec 7.5mg, 21Dec-4th Jan 5.9mg, 4thJan-present 4.8mg

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On 12/28/2021 at 1:17 PM, Bego82 said:

Hi @Kat66,

 

If you weren’t going through what you are you wouldn’t be here. I’m not an expert but it looks like there are many different manifestations of withdrawal.


I was wondering if you may have a close relative that is or was too hard on you?
To me, that harsh self criticism stems from my mum, who has always belittled me and my problems.

 

Take care

I guess you're right. I've been in an abusive relationship a long time ago, which probably didn't help, but I'm the one who is hardest on myself.

Sorry your mum treats you like that. Must be horrible for you.

History of depression and anxiety. Symptoms of PTSD. 1998-1999 Venlafaxine 2006-2007 Prozac.2013-15 Sertraline 50mg. 2015 cross-tapered to citalopram 20mg. 2015-2021 Citalopram 20mg (brief increase to 30mg for 2/3 months in 2019. 01/2021 Dropped from 20mg to 10mg, back up to 20mg til June. 25/6/21 stopped CT. Started 50mg 5htp after a week without citalopram in the hope this would balance out my serotonin levels. After 3 days increased to 100mg 5htp. 11/7/21 Stopped 5htp with the intention of reinstating citalopram at 1mg. 16/7/21 Reinstated cit at 1mg. 2/8/21 Increased dose to 2mg. 28/11/21 10% reduction to 1.8mg.

8/12/21 2mg 6/1/22 1.8mg 10/2/22 1.6mg 13/5/22 1.5mg 4/6/22 1.55mg 4/7/22 1.4mg 4/8/22 1.25mg 1/11/22 1.1mg 3/3/23 1mg 18/4/23 0.9mg 2/6/23 0.8mg 4/10/23 0.7mg 11/11/23 jumped off @0.7mg started on 5htp 200mg -400mg, L-Theanine, and L-tyrosine 200mg. 25/11/23 came off 5-htp, l-tyrosine and l-Theanine. 24/12/23 went on 7.5mg mirtazapine. 27/12/23 stopped mirtazapine & reinstated citalopram @.35mg. 1/1/24 increased to 0.5mg. PTSD diagnosis October 2023. 11/11/23 started EMDR therapy for PTSD. Multiple unsuccessful attempts to taper off citalopram. Vegan, otherwise healthy lifestyle. Other medications; tapering off combined HRT. Other supplements; magnesium glycinate, vegan omega3. Completely OFF caffeine (since July 21). Finding it difficult to completely give up alcohol but haven’t had any since 25/12/23. Main symptoms; crushing depression, anhedonia/emotional anesthesia, irritability, rage, anxiety/fear, intrusive thoughts, cognitive fog, inability to focus, restlessness and some insomnia

 

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Self care is the best.

 

One day after therapy it fully dawned on me that I couldn't take anything my mother had ever told me as reliable.  It all turned to compost on the spot.  Sure, it takes a while to process, but do love that moment.

I am not a health professional - your actions are your own.  

Please do not seek tapering support via private message - "Any reason to hold is a good one"

My taper visualised as a graph   |   My intro thread

Backdrop:  2003 10mg olanzapine | 2004 2-3mg risperidone | end 2014 3wks aripiprazole

2015: olanzapine  10 -> 7½ -> 6⅔ -> 5mg  by crude pill cutter

2018:  Mar 5.00mg -> water titrated taper -> Aug2.5mg tablet and hold

Jan 2019 2.50mg water titration -> Jan 2020 1.214  -> Jan 2021 0.44 -> 2 Oct 0.205 ->3 Oct ZERO🥂

Jun 2023 💉150mg paliperidone "loading" depot shot, 100mg 1wk after Jul 100mg Aug-Dec 75mg/4wks

Jul 2023 2.50mg aripiprazole/day attempt to lower prolactin^

Jan-Feb 2024 cross taper off shots to 1mg risperidone

 

Ask not what you can do for your country, but what your country did to you"  -- KMFDM

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I've always been extremely hard on myself, but since this w/d med nightmare i've had so much anger and grief and self-blame for 'allowing' this to happen by going cold turkey... it's hard reminding myself every day that it's not my fault, that i can forgive myself for mistakes like that, that I'll learn from it and feel better one day.... still sometimes feel like I ruin my own life regularly 

Sept 2021 - CT sertraline 25mg. told it was a 'placebo dose', knew nothing about the dangers or mechanism of these drugs

Nov 2021 - Jan 2022 - failed reinstatement attempt which exacerbated symptoms as it gave me severe serotonin syndrome, unrecognised by doctors who told me to double my dose (!!!!). this was a very awful period, was still trying to work and go to uni, eventually had to quit everything & move back in with family. horrific 'altered reality' symptoms of dissociation, hallucinations, insomnia, chemical dread, racing heart, agitation, nausea, burning & more 

Jan 14th 2022 - 0mg SSRI

Currently, 2023: in recovery from drug-induced neurological dysfunction/PAWS. only meds- 10mg amitriptyline at night.

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On 1/12/2022 at 2:16 AM, eileen1111 said:

I've always been extremely hard on myself, but since this w/d med nightmare i've had so much anger and grief and self-blame for 'allowing' this to happen by going cold turkey... it's hard reminding myself every day that it's not my fault, that i can forgive myself for mistakes like that, that I'll learn from it and feel better one day.... still sometimes feel like I ruin my own life regularly 

 

My hippie friends as a teenager showing me it was ok to feel good remains a good template for self care.

 

Do you find yoga helps?

I am not a health professional - your actions are your own.  

Please do not seek tapering support via private message - "Any reason to hold is a good one"

My taper visualised as a graph   |   My intro thread

Backdrop:  2003 10mg olanzapine | 2004 2-3mg risperidone | end 2014 3wks aripiprazole

2015: olanzapine  10 -> 7½ -> 6⅔ -> 5mg  by crude pill cutter

2018:  Mar 5.00mg -> water titrated taper -> Aug2.5mg tablet and hold

Jan 2019 2.50mg water titration -> Jan 2020 1.214  -> Jan 2021 0.44 -> 2 Oct 0.205 ->3 Oct ZERO🥂

Jun 2023 💉150mg paliperidone "loading" depot shot, 100mg 1wk after Jul 100mg Aug-Dec 75mg/4wks

Jul 2023 2.50mg aripiprazole/day attempt to lower prolactin^

Jan-Feb 2024 cross taper off shots to 1mg risperidone

 

Ask not what you can do for your country, but what your country did to you"  -- KMFDM

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@eileen1111 Try not be too tough on yourself, we didn’t know that this would happen otherwise we’d have never gone cold turkey/reduced the dose that quickly.
I do the exact same thing to myself, it looks like it’s a common denominator, but how should we know? We’re not the experts, we just wanted to be off these drugs.

You will feel better soon, and you’ll have control over your life soon as well.
All you need to do is to treat yourself with kid gloves (and a little bit of patience).

At 15 years old: unknown antidepressant.
2005-2007: Venlafaxine. Overdosed on benzos.
2011- 2012: Fluoxetine.

2013: started Duloxetine. Overdosed on Zolpidem.
2015: started Venlafaxine 225mg prolonged release after crashing from stopping Duloxetine.
2021, 5th March: Venlafaxine crash from withdrawal begins (from 225mg to 37.5mg in 6 weeks then cold turkey by doctor’s advice).

2021 July: started taking 5HTP, GABA, LTheanine, LTaurine, multivitamin, fish oil, magnesium, holy basil and lithium Orotate, following Julia Ross’.
2021 August: doctor put me on beta blockers 40mg twice a day as I refuse to touch any psych medication. Currently tapering from 10mg.

September: hospitalised.

2021, 8th October: Mirtrazapine 15mg

2021, 18th October: Mirtrazapine to 30mg

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  • 8 months later...

Alto referred me to this thread and I just wanted to say there is so much in here that is incredibly helpful. I am so full of self blame, criticism and shame for my mistakes, and obsessed with thoughts of ‘too late’ at the moment, to the point of suicidality. Learning to forgive myself and find a way to get past the obsessive thoughts, to believe that a life post healing will be worth fighting through this for, is so hard but very important.

2002 approx: Prescribed 30mg of Citalopram which made me instantly extremely ill including suicidal ideation and auditory hallucinations, discontinued in a few weeks and symptoms subsided.

2004 - 2010: Prescribed short bouts of Paroxetine (Paxil/Seroxat) with no noticeable side effects or withdrawal issues.

2010-2020: Prescribed 40mg Paroxetine for almost a decade, initially positive impact but over time noticed less effectiveness and increased side effects (constant sleeping/nightmares/night sweats, and weight gain).

2020: Tapered down from 40mg - 0mg in 2-3 weeks on doctor's advice. A few weeks later severe withdrawal symptoms began (suicidal ideation, rapid weight loss, hypothermia, etc.).
May 2020: Went back on 10mg of Paroxetine, tapering to 0mg over 2-3 months. Severe symptoms began again after dropping from 5mg to nothing on doctor's advice (so I could 'clear my system' to start Sertraline).
June 2020: Started on 50mg Sertraline to manage Paroxetine withdrawal on doctor's advice. New severe symptoms, worse than before (worst was suicidal ideation, but also extreme noise sensitivity, muscle cramps, stomach issues, etc.).

Early 2021: Increased Sertraline dosage from 50mg to 75mg in desperate hope it would relieve ongoing symptoms. It did not.

2021-2022: Began a gradual taper from 75mg down to 1.6mg of Sertraline, following advice given on this site (though on reflection still tapered too quickly). Severe recurrence of symptoms, now restabilising at 2mg and holding for now. 

 

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2 hours ago, Spenitate said:

Alto referred me to this thread and I just wanted to say there is so much in here that is incredibly helpful. I am so full of self blame, criticism and shame for my mistakes, and obsessed with thoughts of ‘too late’ at the moment, to the point of suicidality. Learning to forgive myself and find a way to get past the obsessive thoughts, to believe that a life post healing will be worth fighting through this for, is so hard but very important.

Please know that none of this is your fault, if something you’re just another victim of a faulty and misinformed medical system.

 

You will heal, it’s not too late, your brain is just extremely scared and depressed, I had the exact same thoughts, I felt dead already and extremely suicidal but it’s not real, it’s your brain on minus whatever amount of serotonin and other transmitters...

Try to ignore those thoughts and give it “the good stuff” in exchange, things that bring you joy and peace.
 

Avoid interacting with anything that can be hurtful, abrasive or even just a bit over emotional, even though that’s what you’re more in tune with right now. 
 

Hang in there, you’re doing great! This is probably the most difficult thing that you’re ever going to get through, but you will, it just takes time.

 

All the best

At 15 years old: unknown antidepressant.
2005-2007: Venlafaxine. Overdosed on benzos.
2011- 2012: Fluoxetine.

2013: started Duloxetine. Overdosed on Zolpidem.
2015: started Venlafaxine 225mg prolonged release after crashing from stopping Duloxetine.
2021, 5th March: Venlafaxine crash from withdrawal begins (from 225mg to 37.5mg in 6 weeks then cold turkey by doctor’s advice).

2021 July: started taking 5HTP, GABA, LTheanine, LTaurine, multivitamin, fish oil, magnesium, holy basil and lithium Orotate, following Julia Ross’.
2021 August: doctor put me on beta blockers 40mg twice a day as I refuse to touch any psych medication. Currently tapering from 10mg.

September: hospitalised.

2021, 8th October: Mirtrazapine 15mg

2021, 18th October: Mirtrazapine to 30mg

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4 minutes ago, Bego82 said:

Please know that none of this is your fault, if something you’re just another victim of a faulty and misinformed medical system.

 

You will heal, it’s not too late, your brain is just extremely scared and depressed, I had the exact same thoughts, I felt dead already and extremely suicidal but it’s not real, it’s your brain on minus whatever amount of serotonin and other transmitters...

Try to ignore those thoughts and give it “the good stuff” in exchange, things that bring you joy and peace.
 

Avoid interacting with anything that can be hurtful, abrasive or even just a bit over emotional, even though that’s what you’re more in tune with right now. 
 

Hang in there, you’re doing great! This is probably the most difficult thing that you’re ever going to get through, but you will, it just takes time.

 

All the best

Thank you 😊 

2002 approx: Prescribed 30mg of Citalopram which made me instantly extremely ill including suicidal ideation and auditory hallucinations, discontinued in a few weeks and symptoms subsided.

2004 - 2010: Prescribed short bouts of Paroxetine (Paxil/Seroxat) with no noticeable side effects or withdrawal issues.

2010-2020: Prescribed 40mg Paroxetine for almost a decade, initially positive impact but over time noticed less effectiveness and increased side effects (constant sleeping/nightmares/night sweats, and weight gain).

2020: Tapered down from 40mg - 0mg in 2-3 weeks on doctor's advice. A few weeks later severe withdrawal symptoms began (suicidal ideation, rapid weight loss, hypothermia, etc.).
May 2020: Went back on 10mg of Paroxetine, tapering to 0mg over 2-3 months. Severe symptoms began again after dropping from 5mg to nothing on doctor's advice (so I could 'clear my system' to start Sertraline).
June 2020: Started on 50mg Sertraline to manage Paroxetine withdrawal on doctor's advice. New severe symptoms, worse than before (worst was suicidal ideation, but also extreme noise sensitivity, muscle cramps, stomach issues, etc.).

Early 2021: Increased Sertraline dosage from 50mg to 75mg in desperate hope it would relieve ongoing symptoms. It did not.

2021-2022: Began a gradual taper from 75mg down to 1.6mg of Sertraline, following advice given on this site (though on reflection still tapered too quickly). Severe recurrence of symptoms, now restabilising at 2mg and holding for now. 

 

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10 minutes ago, Spenitate said:

Thank you 😊 

No worries, we’re here for each other, all on the same boat, you’re not alone x

At 15 years old: unknown antidepressant.
2005-2007: Venlafaxine. Overdosed on benzos.
2011- 2012: Fluoxetine.

2013: started Duloxetine. Overdosed on Zolpidem.
2015: started Venlafaxine 225mg prolonged release after crashing from stopping Duloxetine.
2021, 5th March: Venlafaxine crash from withdrawal begins (from 225mg to 37.5mg in 6 weeks then cold turkey by doctor’s advice).

2021 July: started taking 5HTP, GABA, LTheanine, LTaurine, multivitamin, fish oil, magnesium, holy basil and lithium Orotate, following Julia Ross’.
2021 August: doctor put me on beta blockers 40mg twice a day as I refuse to touch any psych medication. Currently tapering from 10mg.

September: hospitalised.

2021, 8th October: Mirtrazapine 15mg

2021, 18th October: Mirtrazapine to 30mg

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  • 3 weeks later...

I definitely get the shame guilt thing. In my case right now its do to my overconfidence in my ability to taper. Its really hard to not blame myself right now. Plus I am starting to feel the withdrawals right now, the weird feelings seems to follow the circadian rhythm for me.  so the self hate is really high at the moment. I just want this to be over so I can taper off the rest.

???? To  early April 2021: citalopram 20mg. This was a about 12+years

April 2021: stopped taking citalopram 

6/10/2021 to 6/11/2021: started taking buspirone for anxiety . Got ringing in the ears and insomnia so I stopped

6/16/2021 reinstatement of citalopram at 10mg

8/12/2021: 4.5ml/9mg citalopram 10/11/21 4ml 11/15/21 3.5ml 12/28/2021: 3ml/6mg 1/28/2022 2.5ml/5mg  2mL/4mg 3/6/2022 1.5ml/3mg 4/12/2022  5/31/2022 1ml/2mg  7/31/2022 .5ml/1mg

9/3/2022: .4ml/.8mg citalopram. after a few days got some severe withdrawal so  .45ml/.9mg 9/8/2022 10/6/2022 1mg again .45ml/.9mg 12/9/2022

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  • 8 months later...

@ChessieCat hi CC can you ask Alto when she had her past thoughts of embarrassing or regrettable times during withdrawal that were amped up more than normal did they go away on their own? I so don’t want to go to therapy prior to healing. My hope is to wait till the dust clears and see what needs work if any. This road has been long and I’m still at 5.5mgs and dropping slowly. These brain lies are hard to keep in perspective. I also tried to update my history but it didn’t seem to take. Thank you for all you guys do. If you’ve dealt with this maybe you can add some advice 🙏

1993 started 20mg Prozac.

2008 switched to 10mg of lexapro.

2015 added 50mg of Wellbutrin. Between 2015 and 2020 raised and lowered dosage of both. 2021 moved to Zoloft for one month then back to lexapro for one month. Then switched to 60mg cymbalta for four months. Then Basically cold turkeyed off cymbalta in two weeks using Prozac as a crossover med to reduce withdrawals. Not good. Then had Nortriptylene added to Prozac. Was on 20mg Prozac and 50mg of Nortriptylene for four months. Then did a four month ween off Nortriptylene. To date have been off cymbalta for approximately 11 months and Nortriptylene 7 weeks.  Presently taking 12.5 mg Prozac. Also taking 10 mg of bystolic for BLood Pressure. I’m not sure how the Prozac makes me feel. It does nothing to make me feel not sad and anxious at times. I finally figured out the meds are not what I need. What I need is to get off the 12.5mg of Prozac and continue to work on my stuff. Any help is deeply appreciated thank you. Reduced from 12.5 to 10 then from 10 to 7.5. Too much of a drop. Bought a scale and went to 9. Stabilized and went to 8.2 oct 1, 2022. Just got hit with wicked low mood, high anxiety, fatigue, chills. The anxiety is high in the AM and  lessons throughout the day. Hoping to stabilize soon 

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