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Shame, guilt, regret, and self-criticism

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Wildflower0214

How many of you, guys, are experiencing the unrelenting and painful thoughts? This is one of the most common WD symptoms.

 

Is it really that common? I thought I was alone in this.

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RubyTuesday

Yep. ME too. MAJOR pain in the ***.

I have developed several strategies. Finding other people with the same problem is HUGE!

OR even just calling ANYONE to talk about ANYTHING, even the weather, will help.

My Go-To is to repeat (silently) over and over again: ad infinitum: "I surrender to God. I surrender to God... etc."

or If I can't conceive of a God "I surrender to my creator..."

helps to get moving, but not always possible. watching the in and out breath is good, but keep a handkerchief nearby!

if I can get a massage, that helps a lot, but I have no money to pay for one and no steady partner, so this is dicey. then I get into the "I can't get a job or find a partner until I recover from psych med withdrawal" thought loop, which is NOT GOOD.

when all else fails, smoke a damn cigarette. but I was never a smoker (until I started tapering off psych meds!!!) so this is okay for me.

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shamaan

 

Breathing and mantra type meditations can distract from ruminating and racing thoughts.  Focus on the in breath with one word, like peace and then on the the out breath with another word like calm, or any words really.  When the thoughts wander back to the ruminations, just gently bring them back to the breath and chosen words.  I was reading another one of your posts where you were concerned about 'the dangers of meditation', but withdrawal thoughts and emotions can be different from 'normal' states and not representative of reality at all, see:

.

yeah , but it doesnt feel right. By constant focusing on breath , each time a negative thought pops up , I have the feeling that i'm surpressing everything. After 20 minutes or so , i can feel to be calming down. But it feels like i'm surpressing each thought and feeling. So after 20 minutes or so , i can be calmer , but i feels like everything is just surpressed.. I'm thinking in long terms, because in most moments it is the only thing i have.

 

I will try to make an introduction post a bit later , i'm trying to end an agitation/rumination spell for the moment

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Petunia
yeah , but it doesnt feel right. By constant focusing on breath , each time a negative thought pops up , I have the feeling that i'm surpressing everything. After 20 minutes or so , i can feel to be calming down. But it feels like i'm surpressing each thought and feeling. So after 20 minutes or so , i can be calmer , but i feels like everything is just surpressed..

 

I understand and have struggled with the same concern.  I've spent literally hours and hours laying on my bed being 'tortured' by extreme thoughts and feelings, believing that I needed to experience them all so that they could be 'released', then I would be free.  I don't recommend it.

 

I've been going through this for about 3 years now and I've figured a few things out.  One of them is the difference between thoughts and feelings (physically based sensations)  There are some negative consequences for continually suppressing feelings/emotions.  But thoughts are different and when we are in withdrawal they can often spiral out of control and become completely irrational, not reflecting reality at all.  If we focus on these irrational type thoughts and believe them, it adds fuel to an already burning fire of withdrawal neuro-emotions.

 

By focusing on the breath and redirecting the mind (thoughts) to some neutral place (meaningless mantra or calming words), then the sensations can be allowed to flow through the body and be released in a more natural way.  As you have found, emotions seem to have a natural lifespan of about 20 minutes when not fueled by irrational thoughts.

 

In a normal/ non-withdrawal situation, where a nervous system hasn't become destabilized by drugs, emotions and feelings usually arise in response to a situation and they are important messages, letting us know something.  I don't think its ever good to suppress feelings, but we do need to learn how to remain calm so that we can think clearly, make rational decisions and remain in control of our lives.

 

Of course its your decision what you choose to do, but I think its important to know the difference between thoughts and feelings and how they are impacted when in withdrawal.  When overcome with an intense wave of symptoms, one of which is neuro-emotions, thoughts spiral out of control, becoming completely irrational and these thoughts should not be believed, trying to suppress them rarely works, so that's why we recommend distracting from them or refocusing attention... its a a method of stopping the negative cycle.

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Purplestars22

Intense thoughts are really hard for me and they are usually caused by a social event, work and stress then causes a wave for me. One thing that I do is write my thoughts feelings in a journal and put relaxing nature music. Does anybody have other methods of dealing with rumination?

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westcoast

While ruminating I am almost in a trance. If by chance I notice I am doing it AGAIN I force myself to think of visually attractive scenes and objects. I try to design clothing in my head, think about my adorable nieces, etc.

I also find it helpful to make a list of the worries I have, and try to annotate it with the solutions to the problems, or notes on when they will resolve one way or another. That sounds a bit like ruminating, but I find that having my worries written down relieves my brain of the duty of bringing them to my attention all day and night.

 

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antidepressantsNoMore

During my introduction post, I described how my anxiety and w/d has been 80 percent better. I stopped prestiq cold turkey and my w/d symptoms started 2 1/2 yrs ago and have slowly gotten better.

 

Besides mild social anxiety and generalized anxiety (mostly anxious thought patterns), I have been getting bad nocturnal anxiety or anxiety in the middle of the night. I control my anxiety during the day using 750 mg - 1000 mg of magnesium.

 

However, the anxiety at night has been bad. It isn't necessary panic because I have had panic attacks before and this isn't it. It is more of an anxiety full of worry and regrets from the last five years of my life especially the last three which have been wasted due to a combination of  horrible cold turkey w/d, past mistakes and bad luck.

 

Now, I know I can't go back, and I thought I made peace with my past, but my unconscious mind won't let it go. It is no where near as bad as it was before (was having multiple panic attacks day and night) but it still isn't gone yet. It's been one hell of a journey and not a good one.

 

Anyone have these thoughts/worries?

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WiggleIt

Past regrets have been one of my WD symptoms, too.  Stuff that NEVER caused me prior regret.  It's better now, but I don't know if that's 'cause I learned how to reason with myself, or if it has gotten better on its own.  

 

The weirdest thing is I've had a pretty tame life with nothing serious to regret, but all the small things morphed into huge guilt in my medication-damaged perception.

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antidepressantsNoMore

Past regrets have been one of my WD symptoms, too.  Stuff that NEVER caused me prior regret.  It's better now, but I don't know if that's 'cause I learned how to reason with myself, or if it has gotten better on its own.  

 

The weirdest thing is I've had a pretty tame life with nothing serious to regret, but all the small things morphed into huge guilt in my medication-damaged perception.

 

YOUR LUCKY! I MADE SOME BAD MISTAKES! AND THEY CAME BACK FULL FORCE LIKE TIMES 1000. IT WAS PURE HELL, ONE OF THE SCARIEST THINGS WAS HAVING MAJOR PANIC ATTACKS IN THE MIDDLE OF NIGHT RUNNING TO THE SHOWER AND JUST PRAYING TO GOD LETTING THE WATER RUN DOWN MY BACK.

 

I've been recovering the last year especially the last few months. Almost there.

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Rhiannon

This kind of ruminating over past mistakes is actually pretty common in withdrawal. I think we have some discussion of it in the Neuro-Emotions thread. I even gave it a name for myself, "dystalgia" (just made up) because it's like evil nostalgia.

 

I had it early in withdrawal but I hardly ever get it any more. I think of it as another symptom of withdrawal and a type of neuro-emotion.

 

http://survivingantidepressants.org/index.php?/topic/137-neuro-emotion/

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antidepressantsNoMore

This kind of ruminating over past mistakes is actually pretty common in withdrawal. I think we have some discussion of it in the Neuro-Emotions thread. I even gave it a name for myself, "dystalgia" (just made up) because it's like evil nostalgia.

 

I had it early in withdrawal but I hardly ever get it any more. I think of it as another symptom of withdrawal and a type of neuro-emotion.

 

http://survivingantidepressants.org/index.php?/topic/137-neuro-emotion/

 

Thanks for your reply. I had mine the entire way through w/d, it was especialy bad during the beginning.

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Rhiannon

 

This kind of ruminating over past mistakes is actually pretty common in withdrawal. I think we have some discussion of it in the Neuro-Emotions thread. I even gave it a name for myself, "dystalgia" (just made up) because it's like evil nostalgia.

 

I had it early in withdrawal but I hardly ever get it any more. I think of it as another symptom of withdrawal and a type of neuro-emotion.

 

http://survivingantidepressants.org/index.php?/topic/137-neuro-emotion/

 

Thanks for your reply. I had mine the entire way through w/d, it was especialy bad during the beginning.

 

 

When I started tapering I had done a CT about nine months before then reinstated at a lower dose. It was bumpy the first couple of years of tapering but things are pretty smooth now (still tapering, off what was originally five meds). So I think it's different after a CT in that kind of protracted withdrawal. Congratulations on surviving thus far! It sounds like you're past the worst of it and although there will be ups and downs, people who get to the point where you are generally find they continue to improve.

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antidepressantsNoMore

 

 

This kind of ruminating over past mistakes is actually pretty common in withdrawal. I think we have some discussion of it in the Neuro-Emotions thread. I even gave it a name for myself, "dystalgia" (just made up) because it's like evil nostalgia.

 

I had it early in withdrawal but I hardly ever get it any more. I think of it as another symptom of withdrawal and a type of neuro-emotion.

 

http://survivingantidepressants.org/index.php?/topic/137-neuro-emotion/

 

Thanks for your reply. I had mine the entire way through w/d, it was especialy bad during the beginning.

 

 

When I started tapering I had done a CT about nine months before then reinstated at a lower dose. It was bumpy the first couple of years of tapering but things are pretty smooth now (still tapering, off what was originally five meds). So I think it's different after a CT in that kind of protracted withdrawal. Congratulations on surviving thus far! It sounds like you're past the worst of it and although there will be ups and downs, people who get to the point where you are generally find they continue to improve.

 

 

Yeah the worst is over. It just sucks I lost over 2 years because of withdrawal of a drug that is considered a good alternative to treating depression. I never was aware that stopping medication could do this. I'm actually getting angry thinking about it right now, because it seems so unfair in many ways. I wonder how many other people have had w/d last as long as mine especially those who went off it cold turkey.

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Wildflower0214

 

 

 

 

 

 

This kind of ruminating over past mistakes is actually pretty common in withdrawal. I think we have some discussion of it in the Neuro-Emotions thread. I even gave it a name for myself, "dystalgia" (just made up) because it's like evil nostalgia.

 

I had it early in withdrawal but I hardly ever get it any more. I think of it as another symptom of withdrawal and a type of neuro-emotion.

 

http://survivingantidepressants.org/index.php?/topic/137-neuro-emotion/

Thanks for your reply. I had mine the entire way through w/d, it was especialy bad during the beginning.

When I started tapering I had done a CT about nine months before then reinstated at a lower dose. It was bumpy the first couple of years of tapering but things are pretty smooth now (still tapering, off what was originally five meds). So I think it's different after a CT in that kind of protracted withdrawal. Congratulations on surviving thus far! It sounds like you're past the worst of it and although there will be ups and downs, people who get to the point where you are generally find they continue to improve.

Yeah the worst is over. It just sucks I lost over 2 years because of withdrawal of a drug that is considered a good alternative to treating depression. I never was aware that stopping medication could do this. I'm actually getting angry thinking about it right now, because it seems so unfair in many ways. I wonder how many other people have had w/d last as long as mine especially those who went off it cold turkey.

2 years is not that long for a CT. From what I have seen people recover somewhere between 2-4 years, sometimes longer

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indigo

So glad I found this thread. I ruminate most of the time about wasting my life and not living up to my potential. I set myself long term goals (like writing a book )and beat myself up for not making enough progress. A friend I used to know just published a book and launched it at a local bookstore and this knocked me into despair of making my life worthwhile. The truth is I've made a lovely, simple life for myself and I am writing. But in WD it's never enough and I fall back to old tapes from early family about being  a hopeless disapointment. 

About the anxiety in the night. I also have this. Mostly it hits me early morning around 4 am. I've read that this is because cortisol levels elevate at that time and is caused by brain being out of whack adjusting to lower dose of the drug . 

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antidepressantsNoMore

So glad I found this thread. I ruminate most of the time about wasting my life and not living up to my potential. I set myself long term goals (like writing a book )and beat myself up for not making enough progress. A friend I used to know just published a book and launched it at a local bookstore and this knocked me into despair of making my life worthwhile. The truth is I've made a lovely, simple life for myself and I am writing. But in WD it's never enough and I fall back to old tapes from early family about being  a hopeless disapointment. 

About the anxiety in the night. I also have this. Mostly it hits me early morning around 4 am. I've read that this is because cortisol levels elevate at that time and is caused by brain being out of whack adjusting to lower dose of the drug . 

 

Sorry to hear that your going through this too. I feel like I wasted four years of my life so I understand how you feel. I made some bad decisions one including going off a/d Cold turkey, and the w/d is almost finally over. I'm really trying to find a job. I have a degree but my degree is set up to go for a masters since it is a general BA degree which isn't helping me get any jobs at the moment. I've applied for almost 700 jobs, had 11 interviews, probably messed quite a few of them up because of w/d, lack of confidence which was a symptom of my w/d etc. It sucks. I'm trying to be positive. I even have four people on the look out for jobs and still only two temp jobs. SUCKS!

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indigo

One of the things I tell myself to get through is that recovery from these drugs is a hidden disability and I wouldn't blame a person who was disabled for not doing better. Lucky for us we will  be able to eventually graduate from this state.

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antidepressantsNoMore

One of the things I tell myself to get through is that recovery from these drugs is a hidden disability and I wouldn't blame a person who was disabled for not doing better. Lucky for us we will  be able to eventually graduate from this state.

 

Yeah, very true. The majority of people do not understand anything about what we are going through. People have thought I was going crazy. I haven't been able to live up to my full potential either because of it.

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LoveandLight

I'm really struggling with racing thoughts at the moment..I seem to get this at the same time when I have really bad derealisation.

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JuliaMarie

I was really having a hard time with ruminations. My therapist taught me a teqnique of tapping and eye movement. Im new to this site, so I dont know if any one on here does it. Anyways, it seems to have worked because I dont really have a big prob with them anymore. Its for ptsd, but she wanted to try and see if it would help with my ruminations because I felt like they came from anxiety. Its hard to tell because ruminations and anxiety have gotten so much better for me since I quit taking celexa! It cant hurt to try doing doing it when your mind is racing. I cant remember the name of it, but you can google how to do it.

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JuliaMarie

I was really having a hard time with ruminations. My therapist taught me a teqnique of tapping and eye movement. Im new to this site, so I dont know if any one on here does it. Anyways, it seems to have worked because I dont really have a big prob with them anymore. Its for ptsd, but she wanted to try and see if it would help with my ruminations because I felt like they came from anxiety. Its hard to tell because ruminations and anxiety have gotten so much better for me since I quit taking celexa! It cant hurt to try doing doing it when your mind is racing. I cant remember the name of it, but you can google how to do it.

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Sybilgirlus

I am just starting to have these thoughts of remorse, regret and guilt.  I'm glad to know it is most likely from withdrawal.  However, sometimes it is so hard to not beat yourself up and think that you're going to be "crazy" forever.  :-(

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Petunia

I've also experienced a lot of regret, guilt, sadness and shame while in withdrawal. Its like these intense emotions will suddenly be triggered for no reason and then the rumination will start. This may be related to  Neuro-emotion

 

I've found myself, at times going over details in my mind of things that happened years ago, trying to understand what really happened and wondering how much the drugs were effecting my decision making ability. I've wondered what I might have done differently if I wasn't being effected by SSRIs, and how things might be different now. Most of my regrets are from the time I spent on antidepressants, they turned me into someone else. It happened slowly, over time, so that I didn't realize, I was losing my values, ideals, passions and goals and becoming concerned with more superficial pursuits and instant gratification. I became more suggestible and was easier to manipulate.

 

Its taking me a long time to come to terms with, accept and understand my own antidepressant years. In hindsight, it seems like I lost control of my ability to be who I really was, to a large extent, I stopped caring about many things which were important to me. I didn't need drugs, I needed good therapy to undo the damage caused by the dysfunctional way I was raised. I needed to learn how to feel my emotions so that they could guide me in making healthy choices for myself. But with the support and encouragement of my doctor, I bought into the chemical imbalance theory instead and made a bad situation even worse.

 

I'm still working on self forgiveness and acceptance.  My choices in life were limited by my own unique circumstances and none of it was my fault, I did the best I could to survive. We all do the best we can with what we know at the time.

 

Withdrawal seems to shine a spotlight on and magnify everything problematic about ourselves and our lives.

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indigo

One of the WD symptoms I get is obsessive thinking. My mind keeps looping around on something: what someone said that hurt my feelings, all the ways I'm not living up to my potential. This can escalate into paranoia: no one really likes me, people think I'm weird. Of course at the time all these I lose all perspective. It all feels totally real. What have people found is a good antidote to this?

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freespirit

One of the more difficult symptoms to recognize I think. That's perhaps the biggest problem. You were mentioning something on your own thread about coming up with a word or phrase, to help you see that it's wd that's operating. I think that's a wise thing to try. I've taken to telling myself, "that's a wd thought"..which sometimes helps me not ride the train all the way to the last stop with it. I might have to say that to myself 100 times in a day.

 

I have a few other strategies. One thing is, I do most of my worst ruminating sitting in my chair...so, when it starts to hit me, I get up. It often doesn't matter what I do--garden, walk, qi gong, dishes, laundry. It's the act of standing up and moving that helps. When I'm doing one of those other activities, I do my best to bring as much mindfulness as I can. I don't let myself ruminate and walk, or I at least keep interrupting the thoughts. Listening to music while walking or gardening often helps distract too.

 

I might also try some slower, deeper breathing...with placing focus on my body as much as possible. Sometimes, there are emotions running the thoughts and it's useful to feel where they are in the body.

 

Distraction...tv, video games, playing with the cats....sometimes the best thing.

 

Have you tried the mandala drawing? There's a thread and some people are finding it helps with this symptom. Something I've done in the past too and it did provide some relief.

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indigo

Thanks for all your feedback freespirit. I have been practicing the word prompt. It does seem to interrupt spinning thoughts as long as the train isn't already too far down the track. I've been thinking that this thought- spinning is a form of anxiety. It seems to come along with procrastination.I don't sit down much but I 'll weed the garden for hours ruminating instead of applying myself to something more creative and rewarding but challenging. Yoga is a good focus. But so far what works best is listening to audio books. Completely shifts my reality. Also, if I remember, one toke of medical cannabis releases my mind from spinning also. (but only do that when I don't have to drive)

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Addax

I know those horrible ruminating thoughts all too well. They are truly hell. When I was ruminating hard TV was my goto. I hated turning it off or even the pauses between episodes if I was watching via Netflix or Amazon. I searched for shows with the most seasons available to binge watch so I would keep engaged with the story line and my thoughts wouldn't wonder from the show.

 

But also, I had signed up for a class of sorts before crashing into the period of hell I experienced last fall and even though it was mostly self paced, I had to complete 5 free writes. Basically it starts with a first line given by someone else and you use it to start your story and just free write for 15 minutes about anything, even if you're writing, "... I don't know what else to write".the point is you're not allowed to stop writing. To my total amazement the five 15minute sessions whizzed by and I hadn't ruminated the entire time I was writing. Unfortunately I only had the 5 prompting sentences, and I was in too deep a hole to come up with my own.

 

An example would be: The room was completely silent except for....

 

The you start writing from there and don't stop. You have to set a timer because you must stop at exactly 10 or 15 minutes.

 

Just an idea.

 

Mandala circles also ended up working well for me. The more intricate the better. Of course I use colored pencil, not colored sand like the monks do. As free spirit said, there's a thread discussing them.

 

Another exercise I've heard of but haven't done is called something like thought stopping. It takes practice. First think of a place you'd like to go. It's sounds, it's smells, etc. imagine it. Now that you have that place, consider it your goto place. Now you need a rubber band to wear around your wrist. When the thoughts begin to become intrusive and you begin to ruminate snap the rubber band on your wrist and start thinking of the goto place. The practice comes in before you put the exercise to use. Just snap the rubber band and start thinking of that place, even if your not ruminating. Just practice it.the idea is that it will become automatic when you snap the rubber band. Like I said, I haven't tried it, but I've heard good things about it.

 

If I think of any others I'll return to write them down.

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indigo

Thanks Addax. I'm  have long been a believer in free writing. What happens to me though, is that once I get into one of these obsessive thinking traps, I think "I'm not going to pick up a pen and free write because I'll just write this obsessive self involved, dismal stuff." You know, that's part of the negative spin. I should do it anyway though because after the first few lines, the writing usually takes off in another direction. Thanks for the prompt. 

Also find Netflicks series works too in the evenings. What are the ones that work for you? 

The thing I like about audio books is that they occupy my mind while I'm doing other things.

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btdt

Watching for the next thought when it comes go back to watching for it till the stupid thought machine stops. 

 

The word stupid should likely not be there as it is broken not stupid but I am allowing my juvenile side an outing today.  This I learned in the book call The Power of Now. Took some work but once I got it bazinga it was like magic for me.  Now if I need it again for me now these times come and go ...so now if I need it again it takes some work again to get it to function as it did when I had plenty of practice and awareness developed I think if you don't use it you lose it. 

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Petunia

There is a global pandemic of shame, guilt, and self-criticism. We are all vulnerable to it. We all need to feel good about ourselves and feel that others approve of us. That's universal.

 

Some of us were raised in families where, unfortunately, shaming, guilt-tripping, and criticism were used a lot, so we have to deal with this even more. Big Pharma, and the advertising industry take advantage of this human need, and make a profit from it. Everyone is somewhere on a path of recovery of dealing with this.

 

Illness of any kind tends to make these feelings worse, because when you're ill, you're not functioning in line with norms and expectations. "I should be getting better faster." "I shouldn't have gotten sick in the first place." "I must deserve punishment and that's why this happened." "I'm not handling this as well as other people."

 

 

Whenever I get hit by a wave, I fall right back into these self-critical patterns of thinking, like a switch gets flicked and a tape starts playing. My main theme is one of punishment. I'm being punished for .... ? I can never figure out just what it was I did wrong, so I end up just feeling bad about being me, believing that I'm defective in some way, that's why I'm being punished.

 

Then I realize that I'm not only intrinsically broken, but now I've made myself sick by trying to avoid my punishment (difficulties) by trying to take a short cut, swallowing pills for my problems. So now I can't even work on fixing my brokenness if I want to. I can easily descend into this downward spiral of panicky, self-critical hopelessness when I'm in a wave.

 

Logically, I know this isn't true, and I've recovered enough that I'm not dealing with this negative thinking all the time now, but each wave throws me back into my old dysfunctional patterns and gives me some more work to do.

 

Before withdrawal, I never really had any regrets, but struggled with shame and self-criticism, mostly in an unconscious kind of way, never really looking at where it came from but being driven by it.

 

Now I regret ever taking ADs. But being forced to experience the deep shame of not being able to measure up to even the most basic expectation, while in the worst of withdrawal, is slowly releasing me from its control. Its like I've felt as bad about myself as I possibly could, and survived, I'm still here, still fundamentally ok, still being blessed with air to breathe and the basics for staying alive. Maybe I wasn't a mistake after all. If anything was at fault it was in the way I wasn't properly raised and supported by my environment.

 

I seem to be learning how to accept myself regardless of what other people think, but I've needed to be able to feel and release the shame and guilt I was programmed with. Ironically its withdrawal which has put me into a situation where I've been able to do this. Over and over again I'm faced with the reality that I can't live up to expectations, those of others and those I've internalized. But now, as an adult I have a choice, I can forgive myself and continue to offer myself the love, care and support I need even if I'm not pleasing anyone else.

 

Its difficult because there is also the false programmed message which tells me I don't deserve to be loved unless I'm being of value to someone else, but I'm slowly discovering the value in just being, rather than having to be something.

 

Healing, in her original post wrote that its a universal need to feel that others approve of us, maybe that's true and when we don't measure up, perhaps shame or guilt is the safety mechanism which prompts us to get ourselves back in line so we don't risk being rejected from our tribe.  But in the modern world it makes us vulnerable to external manipulation and exploitation by others. Shame, guilt and fear of rejection makes us spend way beyond our needs.

 

I wasn't meaning to write this much but seem to have discovered a silver lining in being able to endure some of these neuro-emotions. By letting them come up, exploring them and releasing them, I'm freeing myself from being unconsciously controlled by them.

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Looking4peace

Ruminating about past choices and labeling them all mistakes has been a MAJOR problem for me, even a year off EFFEXOR! Comparing myself and what I have to others constantly!

NEVER! Did that before the 15 years in the poison. I worry every day that the brain damage will never leave. I did not know about this forum before tapering and did not do it properly. I listened to my doctor!! Big mistake! After 37.5 that was it, and the free fall began and has not met up! Tried Prozac just around the year anniversary for relief and it made everything worse!

I keep trying all the suggestions everyone has for these rumination!! Hoping something will work soon!

Please take care, it is a shame we are all going through this and the "establishment" not only does not acknowledge the danger but continue to hand these poisons out even more freely

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RachelE

I feel bad when I go to church or most social events. People hound me "What do you do for a living?" Or nag me (trying to be "helpful") "When are you going to get a job? There's a big need for substitute teachers!" I subbed in the past, but was too tired from my cocktail of psych drugs. I would come down with really bad colds, bronchitis, and the flu. They always deducted more from my SSI than I earned anyhow!

 

I explained to the pastor's wife I didn't have a car. She demanded if I could drive. When I explained no she demanded why not?

 

It's always bugged me I couldn't work. It made me wonder why the "meds" were so great since no one did squat while on them. Now I really feel angry at myself for not hurrying up and getting well instead of lounging and loafing all the time.

 

Been struggling to keep an immaculate apartment. Mom insists I need to be put in a home. Everyone accuses me of laziness.

 

My solution? Avoid humanity.

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Altostrata

Bumping to bring this to everyone's attention!

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FarmGirlWorks
On 4/19/2013 at 3:14 PM, Barbarannamated said:

I've read about the windows and waves but didn't realize the uptick in guilt after experiencing a window. There's a huge "SHOULD" over my head now ~ I should be able to do this or that because I was able to a month ago...

 

Thanks @Altostrata for bumping this. Guilt after a window perfectly encapsulates why this current wave actually seems different than previous ones with the same symptoms cycling through. I feel less motivated to do anything now as I am angry at myself that I cannot feel how I felt at the beginning of the year or do the things I started to do: be more social, not comparing my lot to others, just generally more giving and less self-centered. This past week I haven't been motivated to meditate or do any yoga at home as it snow/iced and my car just won't make it to class. Anyways, the "should" is even heavier than before. Glad to see it is a usual WD effect.

 

Sad to see some of the CT timelines though from a few years back. Trying not to be freaked out. One day at a time.

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thecowisback

thanks for the link altostrata. this thread describes my mind to a 't'. constant obessive overthinking of things that never bothered me at all when i was on the meds. now i think about things every second that i'm awake. will re-read the thread later to see what others do to cope with this. out of all the withdrawal symptoms this is by far the worst and the most stubborn. 

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xyz

it is crazy, i can relate to everything on this thread, the rumination, the guilt... sometimes i talk to myself out loud and swear to let go of the pressure.

i always feel better after i run. it get my mind out of the obsessive loop and focus on the physical thing around me.

i have always wondered if i was the only one to be this way. and that was even pre-med. people at my work seem to be so contained and have it all together.

my husband of twenty years is the perfect, common sense mellow guy, so he can't relate.

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