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Shame, guilt, regret and self-criticism

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thecowisback

it's so hard  for others to understand if they haven't been through it themselves. i envy people with quiet minds - i've always been an overthinker my whole life but this constant noise of doubts, fear, guilt etc is just unbearable. i just want a switch to turn it all off. 


Took prozac 40 mg for 20 years.

January 2017 started cutting down prozac by 12.5% a week. End of February 2017 completely off prozac and withdrawals began.

Currently taking Levothyroxine 75 mcg, Magnesium citrate 200mg,Sage leaf 50mg daily

Amlodipine: October 2017 , discontinued 26 Feb 2019; Candesartan:  26 Feb 2019, 4mg.

Discontinued magnesium citrate 200mg Apr 3rd 2019

Reinstated prozac:  14 Jan 2019, 1mg; 26 Jan, 1.5mg; 4 Feb, 2mg; 16 Feb, 2.5mg; 2 Mar, 3mg; 5 Mar, 2.5mg, 23 Mar, 3 mg; 6 Apr, 3.5mg, 14 Apr 4mg, 23 Apr 5mg

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JackieDecides
On 2/8/2019 at 4:05 AM, thecowisback said:

i envy people with quiet minds - i've always been an overthinker my whole life but this constant noise of doubts, fear, guilt etc is just unbearable. i just want a switch to turn it all off. 

 

last summer I read Dr. Weil's book Spontaneous Happiness. (this is a terrible name for it, the book should be called Lifestyle Choices for Mood Disturbances or something like that) - anyway, I was very inspired to read that he has had mood swings all his life but they have become much more mild and manageable through simple things like breathing exercises, meditation, and healthier eating. 

 

gave me hope!


Currently taking Ramapril (blood pressure) 5 mg twice a day

Omeprazole 10 mg AM and 20 mg PM  (the taper has gone nowhere after the first cut)

Famotidine   once a day (and I still needs tums sometimes)

magnesium 200 mg at night

as of yesterday 2 fish oil capsules "EPA-DHA 1000"

 

off Lexapro as of 5/2018  - last dose had been 5 mg every other day for a couple years

 

highest dose had been 20 mg at which point I was diagnosed with Bipolar II, which went away when I cut the lexapro down to 15 mg. 

 

I spent years on Paxil before Lexapro (can't remember dose), briefly on Effexor and Abilify and others I have forgotten. in fact, when I was diagnoses with BPII I was put on all kinds of things which made me feel so bad I stopped them cold turkey within maybe 3 or 4 weeks, thank goodness. since then I've known these pills were terrible and I weaned down the Lexapro with zero help or support over I'm not sure how many years. 

 

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thecowisback

i have so many self help books on the go. they're in a pile under my coffee table and i haven't managed to finish one of them yet 😑


Took prozac 40 mg for 20 years.

January 2017 started cutting down prozac by 12.5% a week. End of February 2017 completely off prozac and withdrawals began.

Currently taking Levothyroxine 75 mcg, Magnesium citrate 200mg,Sage leaf 50mg daily

Amlodipine: October 2017 , discontinued 26 Feb 2019; Candesartan:  26 Feb 2019, 4mg.

Discontinued magnesium citrate 200mg Apr 3rd 2019

Reinstated prozac:  14 Jan 2019, 1mg; 26 Jan, 1.5mg; 4 Feb, 2mg; 16 Feb, 2.5mg; 2 Mar, 3mg; 5 Mar, 2.5mg, 23 Mar, 3 mg; 6 Apr, 3.5mg, 14 Apr 4mg, 23 Apr 5mg

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Barbarannamated
On 2/8/2019 at 7:05 AM, thecowisback said:

it's so hard  for others to understand if they haven't been through it themselves. i envy people with quiet minds - i've always been an overthinker my whole life but this constant noise of doubts, fear, guilt etc is just unbearable. i just want a switch to turn it all off. 

 

Blissful ignorance is looking good. 


Pristiq tapered over 8 months ending Spring 2011 after 18 years of polydrugging that began w/Zoloft for fatigue/general malaise (not mood). CURRENT: 1mg Klonopin qhs (SSRI bruxism), 75mg trazodone qhs, various hormonesLitigation for 11 years for Work-related injury, settled 2004. Involuntary medical retirement in 2001 (age 39). 2012 - brain MRI showing diffuse, chronic cerebrovascular damage/demyelination possibly vasculitis/cerebritis. Dx w/autoimmune polyendocrine failure.<p>2013 - Dx w/CNS Sjogren's Lupus (FANA antibodies first appeared in 1997 but missed by doc).

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India
On 5/12/2011 at 12:44 AM, Healing said:

Whatever you felt bad about before you took meds is now amplified

This is the crux of it. The terror of all my failures, all my wounds. As if they constantly play on a projector in front of me. Haunted. Of course, having to spend so much time hermiting because you feel ill does not help one become less myopic.


1999:  Paroxetine (20mg). Age 16. 2007-2008: Fluoxetine (Prozac) for 1.5 years (age 25) Citalopram 20mg 2002-2005, 2009: Escitalopram (20mg), 2 weeks, (age 26) (adverse manic reaction)/*Valium 5mg/Temazepam 10mg 2010: Mirtazipine (Remeron)( do not remember dosage) 2010, 5 months.                     

2010-2017: Citalopram (20mg) (age 27 to 34) 2016: i.1st Sept- 31st Oct Citalopram 10mg , ii.1st November 2017-30th November 2017, Citalopram 5mg iii.1st December 2017- 4th February 2018, Citalopram 0mg, iv.5th February 2018- March 2018 Citalopram 5mg (10mg every other day) 28th February- tried titration of 5mg ( some adverse effects)

2018: 1st March 2018- 1st June Citalopram 10 mg (tablet form) /started titration 8mg , then 7 mg.2018: June 15th- 10th July Citalopram 10 mg pill every other day 2018: 10th July - 13th Sept Citalopram- 0mg  (CBD oil first month of 0mg, passiflora on and off) 2018 13th Sept Citalopram  2mg ,  approx 16th Sept 4mg , approx 25th Sept 6mg held.  2019: 11 Feb 19: 7mg (instant bad rxn) 12 Feb 19 6mg held 1 May 19 5.4mg held 5 Oct 19 5.36mg 22 Oct 19 5.29mg 30 Oct 19 5.23mg 4/NOV/19 5.18mg 12 Nov 19 5.08mg 20 Nov 19 4.77mg

(Herbal/Supplements since 1st September: Omega Fish Oil 1200mg, 663mg of EPA- 2 tablets a day, magnesium and magnesium bath salts)

I did not die, and yet I lost life’s breath
- Dante

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DogLover

this thread is me. at the moment i have constant rumination and compairing myself to all my peers. feelings of being worthless, shame, a fool. everything is a trigger: tv, music, cars, people laughing.

 

 

all i can do is walk to physically wear myself out.

 


20+ years EffexorXR 150mg. and Lorazepam PRN <- I rarely took this and never developed a problem.
2017 (nov-dec?) -> Feb 2018 fast taper - flipped out in Feb. Reinstated with 75mg-150mg (?not sure) stabilized
2018 Feb Began year long taper - somehow made it to 50pellets, did fine
          Sept -  17 bbs <-- where I started keeping track
           Oct - 16 bbs, Nov - 15 bbs, Dec - 14 bbs
2019 Jan - 13bbs, Feb - 12bbs, Feb Had problems - found SA
           March 19 - 15bbs,  April 17 - 20bbs  <--Updosing

 

Supplements: Multivitamin,  Fish Oil, B Complex, Magnesium, GABA,  L-Theanine, Inositol

Low sugar/carb diet, plenty of exercise. Meditation
Blood test Results: High in Copper, Low in Zinc, Very high whole blood hystamines

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JackieDecides
20 hours ago, DogLover said:

all i can do is walk to physically wear myself out.

 

I read a quote somewhere "motion conquers emotion" and it sure can help. 

 

as does knowing it's temporary. 🤗


Currently taking Ramapril (blood pressure) 5 mg twice a day

Omeprazole 10 mg AM and 20 mg PM  (the taper has gone nowhere after the first cut)

Famotidine   once a day (and I still needs tums sometimes)

magnesium 200 mg at night

as of yesterday 2 fish oil capsules "EPA-DHA 1000"

 

off Lexapro as of 5/2018  - last dose had been 5 mg every other day for a couple years

 

highest dose had been 20 mg at which point I was diagnosed with Bipolar II, which went away when I cut the lexapro down to 15 mg. 

 

I spent years on Paxil before Lexapro (can't remember dose), briefly on Effexor and Abilify and others I have forgotten. in fact, when I was diagnoses with BPII I was put on all kinds of things which made me feel so bad I stopped them cold turkey within maybe 3 or 4 weeks, thank goodness. since then I've known these pills were terrible and I weaned down the Lexapro with zero help or support over I'm not sure how many years. 

 

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Shane88L

Thank you so much for this post Healing...

 

Beautiful... So lovely to read and learn,

 

Shane.


Reason for Medication

Anxiety (money problems, future, lack of physical safety, dangerous environment) causing mild insomnia.

 

Summary    

2010 - Lexapro - (took one tablet (vomiting, tremors, high anxiety) stopped without any issues)

2013 - Cymbalta - (60mg daily for 7 months - cold turkey without any major issues aside from nausea/vomiting, "brain zaps" and dizziness)

2013 - Seroquel - (a low dose for roughly 1 month - weight gain of 20kg, cold turkey because of rapid weight gain without any issues)

2018 - September 4th - (Cymbalta 20mg for two days, stopped due to tremors & anxiety)

2018 - September 9th - (Olanzapine 2.5mg until October 3rd, then 5mg once, then back to 2.5mg once, then took random varying doses every day for a week from 2.5mg up to 5.0mg due to panic caused by the drug, then I attempted withdrawal Cold Turkey (recommenced at lower dose after 4 days of trying to withdraw Cold Turkey - I took 0.625mg every night until I finally successfully stopped cold turkey roughly one week later).

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Felisbela
On 5/12/2011 at 1:07 AM, Hopeful said:

Great post, Healing!

Great post


  • 13th of August 2019 started to take 20 mg citalopram
  • 😀24th of August 2019 down to 10mg stopped citalopram altogether on the 30th of August 2019
Quote

Short term citalopram

 

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Dragon

Thank you for the exercise thought @DogLover , I tried it and it really helped. I keep waking(if I've been lucky enough to go to sleep) and then going through the hurtful things I've said or stupid things I've done, and it makes me sweat with horror. Unfortunately, in the middle of the night, going walking is not so doable. Thanks for the wise quote @JackieDecidesI love 'em.


citalopram 20mg 2008-2011

venlafaxine 37 1/2 mg rising to 225 mg 2011- June 2019

gabapentin 900mg, started around 2005, came off quickly Nov 2019.

valium 2mg when required for panic Sep-Nov 2019.

Ativan  1mg when required for anxiety 1st-30th Nov 2019.

Was addicted to valium in 1970s but came off it then, v.bad withdrawals.

Now

Lansoprazole 2/3 of 15mg.

Magnesium Citrate, 1/5 oz or 5 gms in water.

Fish oil 1000mg. upped to 2000mg Feb 2020.

 

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Felisbela
4 hours ago, Dragon said:

Thank you for the exercise thought @DogLover , I tried it and it really helped. I keep waking(if I've been lucky enough to go to sleep) and then going through the hurtful things I've said or stupid things I've done, and it makes me sweat with horror. Unfortunately, in the middle of the night, going walking is not so doable. Thanks for the wise quote @JackieDecidesI love 'em.

 

4 hours ago, Dragon said:

Thank you for the exercise thought @DogLover , I tried it and it really helped. I keep waking(if I've been lucky enough to go to sleep) and then going through the hurtful things I've said or stupid things I've done, and it makes me sweat with horror. Unfortunately, in the middle of the night, going walking is not so doable. Thanks for the wise quote @JackieDecidesI love 'em.

I to have fearful thoughts they're just horrible


  • 13th of August 2019 started to take 20 mg citalopram
  • 😀24th of August 2019 down to 10mg stopped citalopram altogether on the 30th of August 2019
Quote

Short term citalopram

 

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AlaskanGlacier

It's amazing to me the emotional pain, swirling thoughts bordering on the psychotic, and rumination over things that happened when I was on these drugs 10-11-12 years ago. It's like I'm reliving all the emotional pain and embarrassment of trying to keep my sh*t together when I first went on SSRIs in 2007. I was working at the time and at University. After accutane ruined me, I was put on Lexapro and for many years I felt completely cut off from society, from friends, peers, etc... I felt so socially uncomfortable and just like a joke trying to get through each day dealing with ssri wd/sxs that made my life a living hell. Horrible anxiety, depression akathisia, a lot of the same insane wd sxs I have now 11 months off Prozac. For so many years I had to fake it, trying to cope as best I could while dealing with level 10 intensity of ssri/benzo type sxs, and now I'm feeling all of the embarrassment and lots of extra self loathing, hatred, embarrassment, inadequacy x 100, because of Prozac wd/body healing from the decade plus of being on ssris. It's shocking to me that a person can go through this. It really is. I understand rationally that this is wd, but the pain is so real. Hard to believe.


Took Accutane in 2007 at age 19 and a severe reaction to it threw me into Psychiatry's dirty hands. Suffered through a number of c/t's, rapid tapers, drug switches, reinstatements before finally figuring out what was happening to me in 2012 after checking out of psych hospital with a prescription for Ativan and Prozac. (Went in because was unknowingly in Xanax c/t wd and dying at the time from it).

 

May 2016 - Last dose of Valium after 2 year long taper from 15mg

June 2017- Last dose of the corticosteroid Hydrocortisone after taper

July 2019- Last dose of Prozac after 2 year long taper from 30mg

 

Was on Accutane, Lexapro, Celexa, Xanax, Ativan, Prozac, Hydrocorisone, Valium, and thyroid meds when none of them were needed. Still recovering to this day and hope to be healed in the coming months, but taking it one day at a time.

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hayduke
On 2/8/2019 at 11:05 PM, thecowisback said:

it's so hard  for others to understand if they haven't been through it themselves. i envy people with quiet minds - i've always been an overthinker my whole life but this constant noise of doubts, fear, guilt etc is just unbearable. i just want a switch to turn it all off. 

 

My take on that is that it's something subconscious clamouring to be dealt with.  Why I take that view is that the noise in my head basically disappeared (say by 90-95%) after unearthing and working through root trauma with my psychologist using EMDR. 

 

I was relieved of a huge weight of guilt and shame - once it became clear to me, it felt like literally hundreds of kgs on top of me, that it had been there since I was small, and had not been perceptible to me (as per first post in this thread).  It lifted off me.  I feel other such weights now and again, though lesser.  We'll mop up the rest a bit later, I'm basically out the other side.

 

After those sessions I couldn't believe that I wasn't scratchy, irritable or demanding solitude in the morning the next night I spent at a friend's without much sleep.  That was a first.


*** I am not a health professional - your actions are your own ***

 

My taper visualised as a graph   |   My intro thread

 

10mg olanzapine 2003-06.  3mg risperidone 2006-2014 gave slight weight loss but mediocre sleep.  Abrupt x-taper to try aripiprazole Dec 2014 increasingly restless (Freddy the blind man could've seen that coming, shame about the pdoc) then back onto 10mg olanzapine after 3 weeks.

Round 1:  2015 10 -> 7 1/2 -> 6 2/3 -> 5mg olanzapine.   Hadn't researched, just decided to try it myself with pill cutter.  Easy enough.  Next cut to 3 1/3mg for 2 weeks had me struggling to function.  Reverted to 5mg, thought that was as far as I could go.

Round 2:  Given Breggin to read, found SA.  Taper from 5 to 2.5mg over five months.  Titrate liquid suspension using Rhi's method.  Cuts and holds all done by feel.  All samples at start of month in mg:

2018:  Feb 5.0 | Mar 4.5 | Apr 4.25 | May 3.7 | Jun 3.3 | Jul 3.1 | Aug 2.9 | Sep 2.5 and six month hold

Round 3:  2.5mg and below.  EMDR work unearthed and resolved root trauma at around 2.1mg

2019:  Jan 2.5 | Feb 2.3 | Mar 2.215 / EMDR / Apr 1.976 | May 1.875 | Jun 1.825 | Jul 1.625 | Aug 1.525 | Sep 1.46 | Oct 1.3 | Nov 1.225 | Dec 1.25

2020:  Jan 1.214 | Feb 1.1 | Mar 1.0 🙂 | Apr 0.88 | May 0.82 | June 0.74 | July 0.69 | Aug 0.61 | Sep 0.59 | Oct 0.525 | Nov 0.5

‘If you think you’re enlightened, spend a week with your family.’  -- Ram Dass

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Starboy17

I'm feeling guilty after i made a mistake that I quickly corrected. No one was hurt at all, but the thought i betrayed my own ethics is something challenging to deal with. I spoke with my therapist yesterday and he essentially provided some context for why I made that mistake but also that it was not only good that i corrected it immediately but that I really didn't follow through with it as It hadn't been processed nor was it a completed mistake.   He also said that it  shows I have integrity, that I'm not a bad person who goes around hurting others etc  Then later all other mistakes that I've made seem to come over me, then i worry about the first mistake affecting me despite correcting it.  He also told me that its inevitable for humans to make mistakes. I thought i had to confess to a bureaucrat but he advised against it, and said they're not a confessional. That gave me major relief to a certain extent.  But then I keep experiencing rumination and distracting myself is challenging.

 

It seems my brains negativity bias is in overdrive.  I've had some trouble sleeping and general anxiety, the last 3-4 nights I'm waking after near 4hrs or less sleep  Sometimes i can get back to sleep for an 1hr or 2hr but overall i feel my sleep quality isn't the best. Even before this a couple weeks back I had experienced some thoughts of self-harm of cutting my wrists so i gotta acknowledge that this is part of medication withdrawal.  I will not act on it and I definitely want to get off medication due to all the horrific side effects.

 

I also understand now that lower doses of mirtazapine or any antidepressant can exaggerate emotions but this feels crushing at times.  Obviously i need to work more on self-acceptance and forgiveness probably more so now.

 

I have also experienced some sleep anxiety that probably would have affected me regardless of the mistake but feels like an extra burden. 

 

What strategies could ppl suggest?

 

 


Finasteride 1mg daily 2005 - April (approx) 2016 did have break from them.

Dex amphetamine 30mg Daily taken irregularly March 2012 - March 2015

Lexapro April 2016 only took 1 tablet unsure what mg ended up in emergency with thoughts of self harm discharged from hospital was given 20mg Valium and 30mg mirtazapine

30mg April 2016 - current been tapering from 30mg, 15mg May 2016, 7.5mg July 2016,Aug 2016 3.75mg Cold turkey Sept 2016 reinstated after 12dayslater 3.75mg Feb 2017 3.4mg March 2017 3.2mg April 2017 3mg

June 25, 2017 2.8mg August 14th 2017, 2.7mg, Sept 18, 2017 2.6mg Oct 26 up-dose 2.65mg due to 5 weeks of severe withdrawal 2.6mg 23rd Nov 2017 30th 2.5mg Nov 2017 2.4mg  19th Dec 2017  then forced 2.45mg up-dose 2.45mg due to severe withdrawals 2nd Jan 2018 up-dose  2.5mg 4th Jan 2018 withdrawals were too severe up-dose 2.55mg 23 Jan 2018  continued severe withdrawals near 3 weeks, 14th March 2018 2.5mg, 24th June 2018 2.45mg, 2.4mg 25th July 2018, 2.35mg 7th August 2018, 2.3mg 22nd October 2018, 2.25mg, 2.2mg 6th Dec 2018, 2.1mg 12 January 2019, 2mg 23rd Jan 2019, 1.95mg 12 March 2019, 1.9mg 12th March 2019, 1.85mg 22 June 2019, 1.8mg 19th July 2019, 1.75mg 16 Sep 2019, 1.7mg 4 October 2019, 1.75mg 5 October - severe withdrawals, need to complete essays. 1.7mg 11th November 2019, 1.65mg 2019 Had horrific nightmare up-dose  to 1.7mg on 18th December 2019, 24th December 2019 1.65mg, 17th January 2020 1.6mg-long hold due to ongoing severe withdrawals, low blood pressure, what appears to be chronic fatigue, depression, anxiety. 15th May 2020 1.58mg, 3rd August 2020 1.56mg, 2nd September 2020 1.54mg, 28th September 2020 1.52mg experienced nightmare, along with severe withdrawals, air hunger & high anxiety, due to exams will temporarily up-dose on 30th September 2020 1.54mg

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arbor

Hi Starboy17, I hope you are doing better.  As I go through this horrible withdrawal process, I've noticed intense phases where I scour my ethical behavior (or other people's...) with the guilt, shame, and reproach already in mind even before I find some targets.  It's as if the chemicals or parts of my brain that feel those emotions were activated with or without a cause.  The guilt is so excruciating, isn't it?  I admire you though because it seems to imply also in you a concern for your impact on others.  I have a Zen friend who kindly repeats to me, "Let it go--"  In fact, probably, you already have.  Or maybe, another difficult feeling has taken its place.  In mentioning this to you, I'm saying it also to myself, we can't let these storms of withdrawal agitations stick.  As I attempt to let them go today, I'll be thinking of you.  Thank you for sharing here.

Arbor

 

Edited by ChessieCat
unbolded

Zoloft: 1995 - 2015

Prozac: 2015 - 2018 (tapered from 40mg x day on July 31 to 30mg on August 31 to 20mg on September 31 to 10mg October 31 to 0mg on  December 15, 2018

Gabapentin: 2016 to 2019  (tapered from 300mg x day to 150mg on August 31, 2019 to 75mg on September 15 to 50mg on September 31 to 25ishmg on October 15 to 0mg on December 1, 2019

Enalapril: 2010 - 2019

Lipitor: 2017 -2017

Metformin: 2000 - 2020

Liothyronine: 2007 - 2019

Levothyroxine: 2000 - 

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Psum4444

Hi I’m tapering off Mirtazapine too and I have intrusive thoughts of self harm especially when I’m going to sleep.


Sept 22 - Sept 26: 15mg Mirtazapine / Sept 27: 7.5mg Mirtazapine <-- wanted to wean off / Sept 28: 1mg Ativan <-- tried to come off Mirtazapine  & Sept 29: no pill <-- Couldn't sleep!

Sept 30 - Oct2: 22.5 mg Mirtazapine plus 1mg Ativan

Oct3 - Oct16: 30 mg Mirtazapine

Oct 17 - Oct20: 15 mg Mirtazapine <-- Dr suggested I switch because 30mg made me depressed.

Oct 21: 1mg Ativan <-- Doctor suggest I taper off Mirtazapine and use Ativan to sleep to take Mirtazapine every other day for 2 weeks and every 3 days on the 3rd week.

 

 

 

 

 

 

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