Iggy131313 validation is imminent

[Altostrata]

I haven't added Dr. Healy to the list because he is very difficult to get an appointment with. You are very fortunate, Iggy. This is one reason we are so interested in your discussions with him.

 

Now, you realize you are asking the same questions over and over? Yes, you will gradually recover.

 

I know the withdrawal anxiety is driving this, but I can't type the same thing over and over. Please read this topic again when this question comes up in your mind.

[Iggy131313]

and I dont know why you guys are getting so cross with me, I am just a desperately scraed and suicidal person looking for some reassurance

[Skyler]

and I dont know why you guys are getting so cross with me, I am just a desperately scraed and suicidal person looking for some reassurance

 

Caroline, we are not angry with you... But we feel helpless watching you navigate the mine field that is withdrawal when we know where so many of the bombs are hidden. Please take good care.

 

PS.. sorry I jumped to conclusions about Doc Healy. I'm very glad you are in line to see him.

[Brandy]

Caroline, I signed in here just to start replying to your post that was replying to mine and Nadia's - and also to clarify some of your med history and other matters.

 

I have to admit that I'm so exhausted right now that I'm staring at the computer screen, useless.

 

And I've been realizing for a long time now that the posting that came so readily to me for so long has become increasingly difficult for me. I'm quite sure it's a condition you're probably familiar with as a nurse (which I am not, but I used to work in the medical profession). Burn-out.

 

NOT referring to you at all. And not just from posting. This has been coming on since long before I "met" you. But I've learned a lot over dealing with various withdrawals at various times in my life, and from reading for literally years on w/d groups. I want to focus on how I'm best able to help people. Especially because I see people giving advice on various groups as if they just came down from the mountaintop with stone tablets in their arms - and what they say is not true for everyone, often not even true for anyone except maybe themselves. Or they're still in w'd, even still tapering, but they read it somewhere. omg.

 

Fine for them to discuss all these things or theorize. I just have a problem with them stating things as concrete fact, and worse yet, generalize.

 

II just need to readjust how I do things.

 

So I'm going to be more and more successive but small posts to address different points and not feel overwhelmed and unfocused. I hope the mods won't mind a bunch of successive posts in a row.

 

I can't do it tonight. I need to get more sleep.

 

But I want to mention that although I had never even heard of some of the groups that you participated in, by reading your posts on them I learned more of your history from what you posted about what you were experiencing, before you realized it was withdrawal. Since you gave me permission in your email to mention those other things (including the asthma), I'll do that in other posts soon unless you tell me not to, of course. I think it will help us put the pieces of the puzzle together.

 

I know you weren't trying to hide information. I think it's that you didn't realize not all that information is in one chronology where we have all the information you need.

 

I'll say for the moment that until I read some of those posts, my advice to you was based more on the failed reinstatement and dealing less with the withdrawal process.

 

So yes, it's not about preventing w/d, it's about doing the right kind of taper from the med to facilitate and support the healing process. We don't know everything about recovering from these meds, but there are a few sure things we've seen, and one is the importance of tapering in a way that supports healing even while you're tapering. As opposed to tapering in a way or jumping off too fast and interfering with and deferring/prolonging that healing.

 

It's up to you what you do with your body. But I urge you to hold at your dose longer and do a very careful, very slow taper from now on. The med causes changes in your body and it has already done that. Your body knows how to heal. Most of us who have severe problems really did sabotage and prolong our healing. You still have healing ahead of you, but you can avoid sabotaging the healing ahead, which most of us did not know how to do properly.

 

I'm so overtired I can tell I'm starting to not make any sense. Bear with me. Last night was exhausting, though your input was right on and I couldn't have done it without you.

 

Now you need to use those brilliant analytical objective thinking abilities on your own recovery. Harder to do on oneself than when helping others, I know! Much harder to be objective about oneself.

 

But you can do it and we'll help you. Start thinking in terms of healing rather than w/d and horror stories. And how to get through this hard time. We don't feel right away the very real healing that's occurring. We have to find ways to get through the recovery process, even when we can't imagine the recovery that has actually begun.

 

And I'll mention again that tapering from 2.5 mg does not take years and years. Kay on "the site with no name" (which I will now refer to as TSWNNI for brevity!) tapered from 2.6 in less than six months. That's just an example. But she did admit she should have gone a little slower at the end.

 

"Slow" does not prolong withdrawal. It promotes healing and feeling better. This is different from everything we're used to thinking, but I'm seeing over and over again that it's true.

 

I more and more am seeing that everyone needs to find their own taper rate, and fine-tune it throughout the process. I'm seeing the difference that makes in people who are still tapering - after a while their symptoms reduce, often significantly, while still tapering but dropping at intervals and amounts in accordance with their own body's healing rate and moreover adapting to the different stages of healing.

 

Believe me, many people who post about w/d from such-and-such med too often don't even mention that they were on and off various meds. You saw that last night. That person said she'd only taken the med from one week. We gradually saw that she'd been on four neuroactive meds - all cold switches and cold-turkeys in close succession.

 

But if you hadn't asked what you did, people reading her post would have come to the conclusion that one week of a med causes that kind of suffering.

 

And you yourself pointed out (I forget now which group!) the very important point that you had "posted like crazy" for about four months, I believe, about the chronic hyperventilation problem you were having. Then the problem was resolved and you never went back and posted about that.

 

Can you imagine how people are probably thinking or even posting about how this poor woman has been suffering since _________ (don't know the date of that problem) and never healed?

 

Now let's start moving forward and get you on the path to wellness, OK?

 

To be continued...

[strawberry17]

I know how hard it is when you're in the thick of withdrawals and feeling as you are, it's so easy to focus on all the negative stories. My husband used to tell me off for doing that. Keep in mind that we're all unique and what happened to someone else may not be the way your story unfolds, and remember the glass half full thing, there are many many people who've gone through this, recovered and just getting on with their lives, but we don't hear about them so much because, well, they're getting on with their lives and not hanging around forums like this.

[Iggy131313]

ok, so to get everything in one place regarding my med history and w/d

 

I was on 40mg citalopram ofr a year before dropping to 20mg

 

I stayed on 20mg for a year and a half and then CTed in Feb

 

I had head zaps and similar for a while but they resolves in a few weeks and I felt ok...but looking back of course now I see the signs that I was indeed in w/d

 

I was convinced a month or 2 later that I was pregnant as I was getting dizzy and feeling sick, it was a shoock to me when I found out I wasnt

 

I was also crying alot nd often thought - maybe I should go back on those meds I was so much ore stable now Im a mess

 

a few days before the panic attack I had a row with my husband and remember being struck by how emotionally numb I felt about it, I was gong through the motions of the row but I didnt FEEL anything, I noticed it at the time and thought it was odd but it quickly went out of my head later

 

At 5 months - this is when I had the massive panic attack and then terrible anxiety the next day leading me to go and ask for the citalopram back = thats when all hell broke loose

 

yes things went from bad to hell as you know.....yes in the begginning along with urine retention my asthma realy flared up and I did use my symicort inhalor for a while but I havent used it in a long time now as that stage seems to have calmed down.

 

I havent taken any other meds

 

I hope that makes things clearer, yes I was no doubt going into w/d all the time I was off the meds but of course knowing nothing about w/d I didnt ever put it down to that

 

Im terribly terribly scared, yes your right that no one can predict when or if I will come out of this ok. To be honest I really really want to die

[Iggy131313]

there are some caes though where people have tried to reinstate and it has failed and they did a pretty quick taper off and things didnt get ALOT wprse they just stayed in the hell they were already in? That could happen to me couldnt it?

 

I have also read people who did a failed RI and tapered very slowly and still went into hell when they finished their taper.

 

I am so utterly utterly terrified, but i keep telling myslef that I will heal and recover from this, but I hate taking this citalopram I hate it so so much, I dont want to take 6 months tapering it, I know your right, but the fear of what will happen when I come off it anyway and already being on hell/

 

I have been going through this for 5 months, if I take another 6 months to come off thats a year of suffering already and then another god knows how many years to try to recover, its so overwhelming and upsetting,

 

When can I start to taper off this 2.5 then? you all say to wait but how long do I wait? until I feel better? what if I dont? I dont feel any better now? how will I know if I will ever manage to? and how do I know that this 2.5 isnt making me feel worse?

 

I have seen people get back on the drug, stabilise. feel fine and do a very slow taper and bang they hit hell again, can I taper down to 2mg next week after 5 weeks on 2.5? thats a pretty small cut?

[peggy]

Iggy, I totally understand your terror - many of us have had massive anxiety through w/d and have experienced those 'what if i never get better thoughts'. When you are in the middle of the horror it is difficult to see outside the anxiety, so you must rely on others to tell you of reality. The reality is that you WILL recover. But you are making things much worse for yourself. You are not going to feel better by asking the same questions over and over on many different forums. That is the nature of anxiety. You must accept this and begin to learn some strategies to deal with it.

[Iggy131313]

Thankyou, Its so hard though and everything is so so frighteneing, I feel like a lost little girl.

 

I was thinking do ou think another drug might pull me out of this? Paxil? as its the most sedating ssri it may work for me do you think? At least it would give me 10 years with my son before it poops out on me and then I can kill myself rather than have to die now?

 

Although saying that I am willing to try to ride this horror show out for a while, at least 18 months after the drug is out of my system, then I can evaluate things and maybe try paxil? My quality of life is zero at the moment, Im too afraid to do anything, everything feels wrong, the anxiety is very strong I have been in bed for 4 weeks now, too scared to try to live a normal lofe, Ive stopped watching telly and reading books I just lay and think about dying, it seems to be the only thing that soothes me.

 

I even contacted dignitas to see if I am eligeable for assisted suicide, they replyed to say they would need my medical records. I know that I dont really want to die that I want to recover but my mind wont let me think like that.

 

Im heaing voices when Im trying to go to sleep, it only happens in that point between being awake and being asleep, this was very strong and happened alot during my RI when I was on 20mg but it happened again yesterday, the voices seem to be my own thoughts but very loud and its not nice but I can cope with that, what I cant cope with is the anxiety and the fear.

 

and the most depressing thing about that is that when I read recovery stories it seems to be that anxiety always stays, everyone seems to not be able to return to that baseline of comfort, they still have the anxiety.

 

But do you think paxil would work? If I cant hanlde it further down the line?

[peggy]

have you heard from Dr Healy yet about your appointment?

 

Suicide might seem like an option, but it really isn't - your family, especially your little 3yo would never recover, whereas you WILL recover. Please hold onto that.

[Iggy131313]

no Im still waiting, I wish I believed I would recover, If I saw that everyone recovered after a few years then I would be ok but the truth is I MIGHT recover, it seems like its pot luck, some do, some dont, with no resons behind it.

 

Im not going to kill myslef yet, and its not true that my son and husband woulwnt revoer from my killing myself, my son is so young he wouldnt even remember me and I would ask that people tell him I had a seizure and died. My plan is to wait and see but if Im not healing in a year or 2 then yes I will kill myslef. That may be a selfish act, but its realistic, I have had a wonderful life, really wonderful 31 years, I have made a beatiful child, Im fine with that being it, really fine with it if it means I can escape the hell I am in now.

 

Who wants to live with no feelings? and the only feelings I have had for 5 months now are fear, greif, dispear and terror, thats no life, I do pray that one day this will end, sometimes I visualise me from the future and I come and tell myself that it will be ok, that I move on from this and can be happy again, but then I see another side where its years from now and I am still suffering so much. I believe that if my family understood the depths of the suffering that they would support my wish to die peacefully and not have to live like this.

 

The main thing that dictates a recovery is how you came off the drug and I quit cold turley and was on 40mg for a year before my CT from 20, when I think about thatmy heart freezes with terror, I have very little chance of being one of the lucky ones who make it to recovery and I have to face that fact.

[Altostrata]

Please do what you can to stop worrying about your symptoms and your future and visualize your nervous system stabilizing instead.

 

Please look around you here and read what others have done to cope with very similar symptoms. As you have received reassurance, pay it forward and reassure them when you can.

 

Everyone wants to know when they will heal. No one can tell the future, so you won't EVER get an answer for that.

 

Someday you will realize you're a lot better.

 

Stay at 2.5mg at least until you see Dr. Healy.

[Nadia]

Caroline, You were on the drugs for a very short time, all in all, and only one drug. Most people having severe problems were on drugs for many, many more years and with crazy combinations of drugs. You're predicting recovery times or no recovery at all based on a few stories you have read on the internet.

 

You cannot make statements about what other people have experienced getting off antidepressants based on a few stories you have read on the internet. This is called confirmation bias.

 

I was on several drugs off and on for 16 years, quit cold turkey, and I can tell you it gets better. You have to let go of the idea that somehow you will never get better OR that you will magically get 100% better just like that. You are also "buying into" the anxiety and horror you are feeling. This is normal, but you have to somehow pull yourself together and resist going down the path you are going as much as possible.

 

No one here will be able to reassure you of anything unless you are willing to help yourself. This is going to require effort on your part. Believe me, I know how you feel and I too have despaired. But you have to find it in you to direct yourself out of that despair. Separate the thinking you from what you are feeling. Observe the horrible feelings, but don't act on them. I can tell you that I personally fail at this ALL THE TIME (today I stayed in bed instead of walking, and now I am feeling worse).

 

But it doesn't matter how many times you fail, it matters how many times you keep trying. Tell yourself that this really is an awful thing to be going through, but guess what, you are going through it. So all you can do is meet walk out to meet it. DO NOT STAY IN BED and do nothing else. Even if it feels like the most horrible thing ever, go on a walk in the mornings. You have to start small, but you have to start somewhere.

 

Otherwise you will just reinforce the bad feelings. You can't wait for some magic or outside salvation. You have to take action. When I first realized this, I enlisted the help of my mom. She dragged me out on walks. I felt like I was going to pass out and I suffered through every moment of it. But I did it. Slowly you will get out of this, but you have to put in the work.

 

And about your son... believe me even if he didn't remember you precisely that he would be deeply impacted by losing you. If you can't find strength to live for yourself, do it for him. I often have felt I am only living for my mom, and then, as I get better, I start to realize I'm doing it for me, too.

 

You can get out of this, but you have to take the first step. No one else can do that for you. You can't just lie in bed waiting to get better. This will require concerted effort and patience on your part. Muster all the courage you have to face the scared little girl. Give her a hug and then give her a gentle push to rise out of this. Stick your chest out, tell yourself you can do this. Tell yourself you love yourself and you know you can heal. Do it over and over even if you don't believe it.

 

Accept that this is just a lousy situation, a really, really awful situation, but you can get through it. If you are able, enroll in mindfulness meditation classes. Do Tai Chi, or Qi Gong, or anything you can. REACH FOR THE LIGHT!! Acknowledge the dark, but reach for the light!

Edited February 2, 2015 by Altostrata
paragraph breaks

[Brandy]

OK, I didn't go to the 007 movie I mentioned in my email.

 

Took all my willpower, but I stayed home and cleared a slow-moving drain and cleaned the cat's litter box. Now going to vacuum and pay bills.

 

I'm very proud of myself. (But believe it, I'm going to see that Bond movie very soon!)

 

Folks, I mentioned the movie in an email to Caroline because I went from my usual excitement about life to a horror and despair I never could have imagined in my wildest dreams.

 

Caroline, there are so many points in your messages I'm going to do them in bits and pieces like I said.

 

I want to point out that when you mention things like people "still having symptoms" - although many people have told me they're symptom-free and probably never thought to post about it (like you in the hyperventilation group you mentioned), yes some people still have symptoms that linger. I do.

 

But you absolutely need to understand that "still in w/d" or "still having symptoms" does NOT mean staying in the acute stage of w/d you're experiencing now. I still have some lingering physical symptoms and they're really annoying. And sensitivities. Though that could be from the benzo I'm still on because my experience with other anticonvulsants was even worse, so NOT trying another. No way. Very possible because my usual allergies and sensitivites (born with them) had started getting worse before I ever even went into paxil w/d.

 

But NO way am I in the horrific state I was in initially.

 

So-called "w/d" goes through stages. Doesn't stay like how you are now.

 

Here's my suggestion. I remember thinking that my condition in early stages of w/d was so horrific I HAD to self-destruct and HAD to figure out the best way to do it.

 

I realize now that the brain gets alarmed, misinterprets the situation, and gets suicidal ideations. As a WITHDRAWAL SYMPTOM. This is a symptom, it really is, and it won't last.

 

But I realize your brain will think it's doing right by refusing to believe it.

 

So here's my offer. You've said many times that you'll give it two years to get well. A very arbitrary number, since you could feel better sooner, or you could find yourself suddenly laughing and enjoying life in two years and one month.

 

Really.

 

But here's the deal. How about I mark it in my planner on the "To Do in Coming Years" page I turn that last "notes" page into so I can jot down reminders for coming years (lab tests that need to be done every 2 years, things like that) to resume our discussion about that in two years?

 

Honest, I will do it. I'll write it down and each year I carry over items from that page to the following year's planner. I truly hope to continue our online friendship and be continuing to correspond with you, but I'll be willing to discuss whether you want to kill yourself then.

 

Yes, I think that you'll be way beyond the stage of wanting to do that by then. I really do.

 

But that way you can free your mind of that for now. And we can go on to things you can do while getting through the recovery process.

 

Not saying it will take two years. I'm using the figure you keep bringing up.

 

Those thoughts are withdrawal symptoms. From the early stages of w/d, not the "still have a few lingering aggravating symptoms" stages.

 

So remind yourself that's what they are and think about something else because that discussion is scheduled for the future and there's no point in it now.

 

Now I'm on to vacuuming and looking forward to that James Bond movie. Something I wouldn't have given a flying **** about when I was in your condition. (And I've LOVED Bond movies since I saw the very first one at Grauman's Chinese when it first came out. The guy who took me turned out to be a gorgeous but fucked up dude, but I've never stopped loving 007. Except in w/d when I had such anhedonia I couldn't imagine how I could have cared about all the things I'd loved so much before.)

 

Can't wait to see that new Bond movie! (And now I'll be able to enjoy it fully with a clear conscience because my kitty has a clean litter box.)

 

I think you got my message. Hang in there. Two-year moratorium on thinking you'll have to kill yourself. Do we have a deal???

[Iggy131313]

im desperate, I need to die, I need to die Im in serious danger of doing it too.

 

Do you think paxil may work for me?

[Skyler]

Caroline.. is there a therapist you can contact for real world help. If you need assistance finding a counselor, call Recovery Road and ask them if they can offer any guidance to help.

 

EDIT.. I just found this at the bottom of a page.. guess the initial contact is now via email. Counselling@recovery-road.org.

We are based in Cardiff, South Wales and we offer telephone counselling. Our counsellors are British Association of Counselling and Psychotherapy (BACP) members and operate under their “Ethical Framework for Good Practice in Counselling and Psychotherapy”.

[Iggy131313]

whats the point? they will tell me not to do it etc...

 

Alto, talking about staying on this 2.5, do you think that I should stay on this 2.5 as if I were drug free now, and always stay on the 2.5? do you think I can recover fully with it still in my system? or do you think that I just need to wait longer before coming off, I know you say wait to see healy but you know more than he does.

 

Im so desperate, I know people have pulled themselves out of this hole by using other drugs, and maybe paxil WOULD work for me, or do you think I should give it a year to 18 months drug free and then consider paxil, that way I have an option?

[Iggy131313]

I went to the shops this morning, I had a panic attack just before going but I did it, it was a horror show I have to say..

 

I feel like Im going crazy, my mind is in chaos with intrusive thoughts that scare the hell out of me, anxiety that hovers above my chest, its not a physical response, no shaking etc just all mental. I get a strange heat in my brain like a chemical burn it moves around, and Im scraed of everything, absolutly everything.

 

Its been worse than this, when I was on the 20 it was worse, but its so so bad, all I can think of is escaping this hell.

 

Im sorry

[Altostrata]

Stay on 2.5mg at least until you see Dr. Healy.

 

No, do not switch to Paxil. See what Dr. Healy says.

 

When is your appointment?

[Iggy131313]

It hasnt come through yet, It could be months away.

 

But do you think paxil would help? I dont mean now I mean if I cant bear it anymore, if its that or suicide?

[Altostrata]

Please read what I've posted above, Iggy.

 

Also, please read the stories of other people here. You are not alone in your situation.

[Iggy131313]

I DO read them and it scraes me so much, everyone is suffering I know that, and Im so sorry that Im trying to find a way to escape this hell when we are all suffering and if I could take away everones pain I would, but reading the posts do not reassure me, yes it lets me know I am not alone, but also confirms that the suffering will go on for years, the terrible fear and pain and emotional torture.

 

I just dont know if i can do this

[Altostrata]

Were you always a pessimist, Iggy?

[Iggy131313]

lol, no thats the crazy thing, I have alwasy been happy go lucky upbeat and chirrpy always the opmtimist, im so scared alto please help me, I just had to send my son away, I want to die so much its unbearable

[Brandy]

Caroline, I'm trying to get the full picture here so we can best figure out how to help you.

 

You mentioned once that you haven't taken any asthma medications for two months or so.

 

What asthma medication(s) did you take previously, and was that only on rare occasions, or did you at least sometimes have to take them more often?

[Iggy131313]

I have a symbicort inhalor, I took one puff in the morning and 1 at night for about a week and will take a puff of it maybe once per week after that, this week not at all, I avoid it if possible and only use it if its really bad.

 

I think things are getting worse, my sleep in fine, great, too good I slept from about 11pm until 12.30 today 13 and a half hours, and thats all fine but Im feeling, well I dont know how else to put it but totally insane, I feel mad, out of control and Im scared that Im going to have some kind of psychotoc break or something, maybe its dp and dr, and my anxiety is just adding to it more, i just want to be me, so much.

[Iggy131313]

Im thinking that I cant actually be psychotic or I would en know I was feeling psychotic right?

[smartgun]

You're not psychotic. It's withdrawal. Withdrawal is incredibly hard on our minds, it often feels like we are leaving reality, but it's just a response to the pain we are experiencing.

[Iggy131313]

thanks smartgun, this morning was a total horror, the confusion feeling like Im going totally insane....horror

[Iggy131313]

on another topic, as if I really needed this to happen

 

really need advice about my mum

ok, there is no doubt, after 15 years on 20mg paxil, my mum has pooped out, shes having panic attacks all the time and high anxiety, she described to me what must be depersonalisation after drinking...

 

Im scared to tell her whats happening because shes coming over to ''look after me'' soon, how can she look after me when she is in poop out herself?

 

she is mid 60's what should I do? should I tell her? I dont want to scare her? should she try deplin?? or updose to maybe 25 and see if that helps?

 

please advise me, in a selfish way I need her to be ok to help me get through this and also how can I watch her have the same symptoms I am having, its gonna kill me!

 

when someone is in poop out, does it help to come off the drug? does it ease them symptoms? i dont want her to go through this...

[Skyler]

LOL Caroline.. just so you know, a few of us who have been advising you are in our mid 60s... or maybe you did realize this. I had a good chuckle in any case.

 

What you describe sound like side effects, which are more likely the longer one stays on the accursed things, so your mom needs to taper off slowly (unless she starts to get more effected by staying on than she is now, were this me, I would go for the slooww boat).

 

From what I understand, poop out generally refers to ADs when they no longer work, as opposed to side effects, so this does not necessarily mean one is symptomatic. Folks do not have withdrawal simply because they have been on for a long time. Maybe someone else can chime in here to clarify.. and straighten me out if need be.

[Iggy131313]

You dont think its tolerence withdrawal from being on for so long? 15 years?

[Iggy131313]

I thought poop out was when you started to get w/d symptoms even when taking the medication? and yes Im not attributing it to her age but I worry about her coming off the drug and the w/d fr her, I dont want her to suffer what I am suffering and I worry that age does play a part in recovery, Im not saying it does, but it could...

 

even healy says 1-4 years recovery generally, 1-3 in younger people (im 32 to dont think that applies to me) and indefinitly in older people I guess that would be over 60, maybe late fifties?

 

Im going to suggest that she has some deplin (not the brand name) to support the drug, Ive heard it helps

[Skyler]

You dont think its tolerence withdrawal from being on for so long? 15 years?

Nope... that's more of a benzo thing, and even then it's not all that common. Docs tend to increase the dose more and more because tolerance has been reached, for both ADs and benzos, benzos being notorious. Far as I know, the term poop out is used to refer to ADs when they don't work any longer. People on ADs rarely if ever have withdrawal symptoms before they actually start to taper, and as you know.. when there are no other complicating factors, a slow taper usually avoids serious problems

 

All the same, your mom should start to taper because the AD is not doing anything beneficial, and is causing side effects.

 

Caroline, read my last edit. Sometimes I have the dangest time trying to be clear and it takes me a few tries!

[Iggy131313]

Im going to suggest she tries deplin, what is the normal name for that? not the brand name? I have seen people say it really helps their AD work better for them, at this point I would rather she stays on the drug, if it can work for her

[Nadia]

Iggy, don't go to shops! That's the worst when you have DP/DR. My first healing/return of desire to live was through nature and food. At first even those seemed poisonous or awful... one of the most disturbing things I felt was that I had no notion of health or comfort. But Alto suggested that I do things like sit in the sun or take a warm shower or have a cup of tea or look at flowers ANYWAY. It's not necessarily immediate, and the progress is not linear, but THESE THINGS HELP ENORMOUSLY, even when they don't seem to be helping in the moment.

 

Start small, Iggy. Enlist help from someone... maybe your mom when she comes over, or other family or friends. Go on a short walk every morning. Just commit to that one thing first. Don't expect results. When you walk, don't hunch over or cross your arms. Open up your chest and walk boldly. Fake it... maybe you'll even feel worse temporarily. But keep doing it. Start with a ten minute walk.

 

You say you were not a pessimist and were always happy go lucky... that might explain why you're having an especially difficult time facing what you are going through. It's a huge blow to deal with, and your first instinct is going to be to believe everything your mind tells you about the horror of it all. Just stop reading about other people's experiences and KNOW you can get better. Don't worry about time frames. Believe me, if you take steps to improve your mindset things will get manageable. Like it or not, you're going to have to take responsibility for what you are going through, as unfair as that seems.

 

Please read the book I recommended, and try reading Eckhart Tolle's The Power of Now. These might help you take the first step out of this.