Iggy131313 validation is imminent

[tezza]

Iggy,

 

I've been in WD for exactly two years, now, but one month ago, I woke up one morning and felt 95% recovered. Until then, I had windows and waves. Like you, I thought I'd never recover to this state.

 

I had no hope for a future, only dread and gloom, except for the short windows. Even in a window, it was not wonderful. I'd write, I feel ok but not great.

 

It can get better, our brains can heal but (for many) it takes a long time. I had CTd for two weeks middle of September 2011. Only two weeks off and almost two years to feel almost normal again

 

If this is a window, it's lasted a month, now.

[Iggy131313]

tezza, that is wonderful news, thankyou so so much for sharing it with me, its made me cry, its all I want, I no longer care about returning to work, I no longer care about never being able to drink a beer again etc., i just want to be a mother to my baby again

 

have you been able to work through this?

 

congratulations on your progress, even if it does get bad again, the fact that the quality of your wiondows is so much better is a wonderful sign, but I have a feeling this is not a window for you, but a corner!!

[tezza]

I'm disabled because of my back but I don't believe I could have worked. I had to force myself, for most of 23 months, to wash a dish or do anything. My husband even did the grocery shopping.

 

I remember when he first got me to go grocery shopping with him. I was so miserable being in the store and all I could think of was getting out of there.

 

Iggy, I was in real bad shape for a LONG time. When you have waves, it's hard to remember that you've had any windows.

 

I remember that you were concerned about whether you were healing while tapering. Yes! I've been tapering multiple drugs and stopped Gabapentin last June and I stopped Lamictal this June.

 

You will be a mother to your child again. Try to do things that you have to focus on, like games on the computer. It may look like to others that you are just being a slob but I believe it helps the brain heal. If you exercise the brain, it will grow stronger.

[Iggy131313]

thank you Tezza, from the bottom of my heart.

 

I want to belive there is hope for me, im trying

[tezza]

You are welcome!

[Djones1984]

Iggy you will recover I get the same way and all I want to do is die but we have to believe there is hope. You are still recovering on your low dose and to be honest I would not change a thing. You say you are the worst case ever but I don't think you are. I have read a lot of your story and I have heard of people that had it worse and were literally not able to walk or talk. Who knows in a month you could be doing a lot better and I know you will be a mother of to your child again. I still believe that everything happens for a reason may not be fair and it may be hell but it's one day at a time. These are things that I have to remind myself of. I will pray for you!

[Iggy131313]

ok well I have been holding for 4 months now and I have most defiitly not stabilised, every single day is an indescribablt hell and all I can do is pray to god to die, have some mercy on me

 

so what do I do?

 

is 4 months not a long enough hold? is this any indicator that a hold wont work? what should I do? please help me

[Iggy131313]

i just need some advice, thats all, please

[compsports]

i just need some advice, thats all, please

Iggy,

 

I think you should ditch the med since you are taking a micro dose that doesn't seem to be doing you any good. But I have been reluctant to offer that advice because when someone else did on the other site, you became very upset with that person.

 

Whatever you decide, I wish you all the luck in the world

[Iggy131313]

i cant CS....when i tried to taper from 0.48 to 0.40 it got even worse, so SO much worse, I cant ditch the med....i dont know what to do, im desperate, it seems like my choices are

 

1) ditch this med - kill myself becasue of how much worse it gets - and I am not exagerating, i am the OWRST I have ever read about, im in severe severe crisis and every second os hell - when I tapered that tiny amount, all I could do was scraem and rock and beg everyone around me to kill me

 

2) suffer like i am on this dose - and although i only have to scream and rock for maybe 2 weeks out of every month, the rest of the time I am operating in total agony, i still pray for death every second, often I am in so much torture that I cant imagone how i can last another second

 

3) kill myself now and put myself out of all this misery

[Iggy131313]

i wonder if i should try another med, but im scared it would make me even worse.i have no idea what to do, i need help, i need to be in a hospital but the trouble is that in a hospital they wouldnt know what was going on and make me even worse, I have no idea what to do or who to turn to, alto hates me and wont offer me any advice anymore, thats her choice and i respect that but who else might have a suggestion? dr healy doesnt know, dr shipko doesnt know, no one knows how to help me

 

I can see no other choice but to kill myself, but I dont want to die, i dont want to die

[Iggy131313]

should i increase? but i was just as bad on the higher doses, i have a million and one people telling me that I cannot even start to recover until the med is out of my system....so what the hell? i know this is a foruma nd no one is paid to help, but i would pay everything i have to know what i should do for the best, I just want to heal, I want to be a mother to my child and I have NO idea what to do to get there.....i  desperatly need someone to help me but there is no one that can, so what now? i know i dont matter to people here, im just an annoying voice on a forum...but im a real person, and I have a real child, and my suffering is inhuman and severe, i need help, i am crying out to people to help me, can i heal while i take this amount, if yes then why? and why is everyone telling me otherwise?

 

god help me, please someone try to help me

[tezza]

Iggy, you do matter to people, here. We just don't know how to advise you. As you said, it's bad no matter what you try. We usually don't advise anyone to try a different drug, either, this is why we say, "listen to your own body". Only you can decide if that's what you should try.

 

I know you need help and any one of us would make you well, if we could, but we can't. There no way to tell if another med would help or hurt unless you tried. Some have found that a small dose of Lamictal was good but it's hard to find a doctor who's knowledgeable about that.

 

Wishing you well!

[Iggy131313]

3 days ago I had a window, for about 5 or 6 hours I felt ok, I went to a friends house to their sons birthday party, I cried on the way there becasue I felt about 80% normal, it didnt last and by the evening I was feeling awful with strong free flaoting anxiety but it was a wondow, does a 5 hour feeling better count as a window?

 

then last night when I took my son to bed I had about 30 minute window, where I even read him a second story as I felt ok to be there and not pacing around screaming or laying face down in my bed imagining what I should wriote to people in my suicide notes

 

does this show anything? does it MEAN anything? could it mean that holding is the right thing to do? Im better than I was when I tried to taper from 0.48 down to 0.40...im better than the 2 months following that so I guess you could say I have improved over the hold, but saying I have improved would be a bad joke, but it is slightly better, or different

 

My akathisia is changing, I had it for 8 weeks and then it went away for 6 weeks, then it came back for 3 weeks and I havent had it for 3 weeks and 1 day....does this mean its breaking up? dont get me wrong, when I have akathsiia, i dont seem to have many other symptoms, but when it goes I get a million other symptoms to take its place...its trading one torture for another, but does the fact that the akathsiia is coming and going mean anything or is that just normal?

 

right now, I just had about 15 minutes of feeling better, for no reason, does this mean anything that Im getting very VERY short bursts of feeling a little better? does anyone know?

[tezza]

The fact that you had windows is a very good sign, indeed! That does show that you're healing. The windows get longer and closer together.

 

My symptoms come and go, too, so yes, that is just the way it happens.

[Skyler]

does this show anything? does it MEAN anything? could it mean that holding is the right thing to do? Im better than I was when I tried to taper from 0.48 down to 0.40...im better than the 2 months following that so I guess you could say I have improved over the hold, but saying I have improved would be a bad joke, but it is slightly better, or different

 

My akathisia is changing, I had it for 8 weeks and then it went away for 6 weeks, then it came back for 3 weeks and I havent had it for 3 weeks and 1 day....does this mean its breaking up? dont get me wrong, when I have akathsiia, i dont seem to have many other symptoms, but when it goes I get a million other symptoms to take its place...its trading one torture for another, but does the fact that the akathsiia is coming and going mean anything or is that just normal?

Caroline... excellent news. when my tinnitus is waning, I have had windows and waves just as you describe.. tinnitus for me, but the windows and waves act the same across symptom groups.  It's not the time to tamper with success!

[Iggy131313]

oh skyler how I wish thi could be called success, if success is me screaming, rocking and begging to be killed then god help me when Im failing...lol

 

so you think I should carry on holding and see if things improve? I guess thats what I was gonna do anyway, Ive given myself until March until I take mercy on myself, cant do anything like that around christmas and I want to be there for one more birthday for my son as he turns 5 in January, in March if tere is no sign of healing then all I can do is take mercy on myself, its not what I want, but i have no choice anymore, that sint a threat, or a cry for help, Im just saying, thats where im at. 

 

thanks for your response and to tezza too

[Skyler]

oh skyler how I wish thi could be called success, if success is me screaming, rocking and begging to be killed then god help me when Im failing...lol

 

so you think I should carry on holding and see if things improve? I guess thats what I was gonna do anyway, Ive given myself until March until I take mercy on myself, cant do anything like that around christmas and I want to be there for one more birthday for my son as he turns 5 in January, in March if tere is no sign of healing then all I can do is take mercy on myself, its not what I want, but i have no choice anymore, that sint a threat, or a cry for help, Im just saying, thats where im at. 

 

thanks for your response and to tezza too

 

Ohhh Caroline.. how you can turn a phrase. LOL, you know very well what I'm speaking of as success... the fact you are starting to see windows and waves...

 

Yes, your plan to hold until March is very good. If you are having windows and waves now.. well, you will surely know more! How about keeping a log just for them? Write down the occurrances, and how long they last.  Then you can look back and take solace when those miserable doubts assail you.

[Petunia]

A lot of people care about you Iggy and want you to feel better, its just so difficult knowing what to suggest when the only thing which seems to help, slightly, is waiting for time to pass.

 

I like Skyler's suggestion of keeping a log, but only of your windows, like these things....

 

3 days ago I had a window, for about 5 or 6 hours I felt ok, I went to a friends house to their sons birthday party, I cried on the way there becasue I felt about 80% normal, .......

 

.....then last night when I took my son to bed I had about 30 minute window, where I even read him a second story as I felt ok to be there......

 

 

....right now, I just had about 15 minutes of feeling better, ....

 

Maybe even start a scrapbook just for your windows and include pictures, drawings and little mementos.

 

The fact that you are able to feel better (80% normal), is a very good sign that your nervous system is capable of achieving that balance. Its giving you little glimpses of your future.

 

 

[tezza]

Iggy, I third the suggestion of keeping a log, that's a good idea for anyone in WD. List ALL your symptoms and rate them every day. You can even make notes of your activities so you can see if anything you did may have helped.

 

I started to notice that when I played "Draw Something", I felt better, mood-wise. That's why I suggest to others to play games. Of course, don't play games all day, do everything in moderation.

 

You could play little games with your son, the interaction would be good for both of you.

[Skyler]

Iggy, I third the suggestion of keeping a log, that's a good idea for anyone in WD. List ALL your symptoms and rate them every day. You can even make notes of your activities so you can see if anything you did may have helped.

 

Hi Tezza, a detailed log is usually a very good suggestion. But Caroline tends to get caught up in very lengthy notes which end up with a self-reinforcing negative focus.  I thought it might help her to break out the windows and waves.. do them separately so as to better track the positive trajectory. 

 

C, again, I'm thrilled to hear your good news, even if you then have a need to neutralize (too much of a good thing? ) You are well and truly are making progress!!

[Nikki]

Iggy I don't know how to advise you......but I want to say hello.....let you know you are cared about and there is a way out.  Do you pray for guidance?

 

When in a bad state remember to look down at your feet and see where they are planted.  This practice helps alot.

 

If you are in  your kitchen, look down at your feet and tell yourself "I am in my kitchen, I love my kitchen, it is decorate with things I like, there is plenty of food in the refrigerator, I love cooking on my stove, maybe I could organize my cabinets right now to distract myself.......

 

Hugs

[Djones1984]

I really don't know why you couldn't heal on that low dose of celexa I mean it's basically nothing and the idea is to stabilise to a certain degree. I just spoke with my neurologist today who said I could try a low dose of limictal if I wanted and said it was an option. If you are in the much misery it might be worth a try. I know benzos are bad but can you find any relief in them? I think it is great you are having windows. When you talk about akathisia what did or does that feel like for you just curious?

[Rhiannon]

oh skyler how I wish thi could be called success, if success is me screaming, rocking and begging to be killed then god help me when Im failing...lol

 

so you think I should carry on holding and see if things improve? I guess thats what I was gonna do anyway, Ive given myself until March until I take mercy on myself, cant do anything like that around christmas and I want to be there for one more birthday for my son as he turns 5 in January, in March if tere is no sign of healing then all I can do is take mercy on myself, its not what I want, but i have no choice anymore, that sint a threat, or a cry for help, Im just saying, thats where im at. 

 

thanks for your response and to tezza too

Iggy, you can't ask us for support and tell us you're planning to commit suicide. That is beyond the reach of this forum and is extremely unfair to the people here.

 

If in fact you are in danger of committing suicide, then you need to contact the authorities and tell people in your immediate life who are in a position to assist you.

 

Discussing suicidal feelings as a withdrawal symptom is one thing, but threatening with plans is another thing entirely and is entirely unfair to the people on this forum who are attempting to support you.

 

If you are indeed making plans then you must call 911 immediately and get realistic help from people who are in a position to intervene--NOT just talk about it here. That is not acceptable.

[Rhiannon]

i cant CS....when i tried to taper from 0.48 to 0.40 it got even worse, so SO much worse, I cant ditch the med....i dont know what to do, im desperate, it seems like my choices are

 

1) ditch this med - kill myself becasue of how much worse it gets - and I am not exagerating, i am the OWRST I have ever read about, im in severe severe crisis and every second os hell - when I tapered that tiny amount, all I could do was scraem and rock and beg everyone around me to kill me

 

2) suffer like i am on this dose - and although i only have to scream and rock for maybe 2 weeks out of every month, the rest of the time I am operating in total agony, i still pray for death every second, often I am in so much torture that I cant imagone how i can last another second

 

3) kill myself now and put myself out of all this misery

 

Most of us have felt everything that you're feeling, and we understand. However, it is just not okay to be saying that you're considering killing yourself, and then turn around and ask us for advice and support.

 

If you are seriously considering suicide as an option then you MUST reach out for help from people in your real, physical life, who are in a position to assist you, rather than asking us to support you here.

[Altostrata]

Iggy, if you are feeling suicidal, you must discuss this with family, friends, or a counselor nearby. This is an Internet forum. We can't help you beyond responding to your posts, which we have done for a long, long time -- as your correspondents on other sites have also done.

 

Since this has gone on so long, it does not appear to be soothing to you, you must find real-life emotional support.

[alex]

"Finding someone to talk to who, without judgement, can facilitate the honest and frank exploration of difficult feelings, will provide inmediate relief from distress.

If, for whatever reason you are experiencing suicidal ideation, please seek help."

 

Suicide Helplines:

 

 

Samaritans, UK: 08457 90 90 90

Website: www.samaritans.org

[theelt712]

PLEASE call a suicide hotline or go into the hospital, even. If you are about to kill yourself, the internet is often beyond help.

[Nikki]

Iggy it is when people are in this state that meds are dispensed to help them.  This type of suffering is immense and it is heartbreaking.

 

Something simple.  An old tricyclic possibly, and even a benzo or maybe propranolol.  Something for anxiety.  Anxiety feeds on itself.

 

When I reached a point in a Lexapro taper where I could not go on another day longer with anxiety, "I" opted to take a tricyclic in a very small dose and it took the edge off. 

 

The option/decision I made to take something was far better for me than thinking about dying.  I did this under the supervision of my psych nurse.  Most of us have been there.

 

Yes, talk to your friends, family, doctor, hotline or whatever else will provide you with a safe and helpful outlet.

 

Who is available right now for you to talk to and have come over?  Can that person take you to the ER?  If you go to the ER you have to explain that you are having an adverse reaction to getting off Celexa and the result is severe/crippling anxiety and that you didn't want to wait to see the doctor on Monday.

 

You do have a few options here.  Where there are options there is hope.

 

I hate seeing you suffer like this.

 

Hugs

[compsports]

Excellent points Nikki. Several years ago, when Prozac caused suicidal ideation, taking ativan on a prn basis provided tremendous relief.

 

Also agree that you need live support immediately.

 

Hope you find relief soon.

 

CS

[Iggy131313]

thankyou all for your posts, im sorry if i upset anyone, i just dont know what to do, I was just looking for some help, for someone to say if i hold on on this dose it might get better, it doesnt feel like anything is getting any better and I dont know what to do

 

If I seek face to face help I will be hospitalised and trust me, if i thought taking anther drug might free me from this i would do it, but its more than likely only going to make things worse, so i dont see that i have any options at all.

 

im not threatening suicide, well I kinda am, but im not making threadts, im just saying how severe this is and its a fact that i cant continue to live like this, not without hope, thats why i came here to ask for hope, can i recover while i take this small dose?

 

i cant carry on without hope, and this is the only place that people might be able to offer that to me, no hospital or anyone else would understand or even listen to me, and they certainly couldnt tell me the information i need, the only person who can answer that question really is alto and maybe rhi. i just need something to hold onto.

 

as for the other forum, well the advice on PP is get off the drug becaseu you dont start healing until you do, i dont want to belive that, on here i have been told i can heal with the small amount in my system, thats why i need to come here for advice, 

 

I am the very very worst case I have ever read about, my life is not a life, its not an exsistance it is nothing but pain and a desperate struggle to make it through each everlasting minute, severe akathisia, severe anxiety, severe dp/dr, sometimes I feel im going to die, sometimes i think i have to die to escape the pain...i just dont know what to do

[Meimeiquest]

You have decided not to try Lamictal?

[Iggy131313]

there is no evidence that lamictal will do anything while I am still on this drug, no, i simply dont trust any drugs, i think it would just make me so much worse, espacially as I have bad akathisia, if it was just severe anxiety maybe, but with the akathisia, i dont think its a good idea.

 

in the past 15 days I have had 4 days that have been a 7/10, thats the highest I have ever scored, never 2 in a row and i have also had some 2/10 but im hoping this might be a sign that ,y system is starting to stablise even if it takes many more months, for now all I can do is hold on and hope

[Altostrata]

You are not the very very worst case I've ever seen. I suggest you stop thinking of yourself like that, it causes you to dramatize.

 

The exaggerations, Iggy, are wearing people out.

 

You no doubt have seen us recommend having an attitude of acceptance towards suffering. Knowing the waves will come and go makes it more bearable.

 

You are the only one who can help you bear this. No one can come up with a silver bullet for you. It will take time for you to heal.

 

Please learn some wisdom from your experience. I suggest you re-read this topic every week.

[Iggy131313]

thankou Alto for replying to me, that means alot...

 

I swear on the life of my child that I am not exagerating, I swaer it, but I understand that I am wearing people out, I know I am, Im just so desperate and dont know what to do, I try so hard.

 

I try to accept the suffering, I really do, and I can accept everything apart from the akathisia, of which there is nothing I can do to find any comfort

 

Some days I am so weak, so bad, I swaer it feels like my brain is dying, I thought a few days ago I was about to die but I couldnt find the strength to even tell my husband, for 8 hours straight I just lay on the bed saying ''oh god, oh god'' in the dark, with the bedroom fan on me for some white noise, I was hallucinating, hearing voices, in terrible anguish...but that belive it or not was a goodish day becasue I didn have strong akathsiia...

 

I know it will take time to heal, I understand and accept that, but what concerns me is all the people telling me I cannot start to heal until Im drug free, and yet when I tried to taper things got so so much worse...I cant taper until I feel alot better, alot better

 

But Alto, I know you have said I can heal with this small amount in my system, but can I recover and heal with it in my system? and THEN make a desicion to whether I should microtaper off? I worry so bad that all this pain and suffering is for nothing, that I havent started to heal, thats what everyone tells me, but I want to belive you, becasue I DO belive you, but I worry that you have said I can stabalise more but maybe not heal and recover?

 

Aksi I understand about the waves coming and going, but mine never go, all that happens is that things may CHANGE, so the akathisia might let up for a few weeks, but in its place comes a million other extreme and severe symptoms, and then when they go back a little the akathisia returns...

 

in the last 2 weeks I have had 4 days (not in a row) that I would class as windows, they were not complete but I could function, I could be a mother to my child, I even was able to leave the house and go for lunch and take him to a kids party, this was so beautiful to me, is that a sign that my system is starting to recover? I rated each of these days a 7/10 which is the highest score a day has ever got, the most I have had before is I had one 6/10 at the end of july

 

I know theres no silver bullet, thats why I wont take anything to try and help, I just need some reassurance from time to time, especially about the staying on this 0.48 and still being able to heal as thats what people always say cant happen, and it adds to my distress.

 

I really do thankyou Alto for your reply, it means a hell of alot to me and will help me try to get through today. thankyou

 

I want to apologise for, well for me, for the way I am, for my desperation, for my begging and pleading and screaming, im not a bad person everyone, I was a good person, you may have liked me, I think you would, im sorry

[Meimeiquest]

Iggy, We understand. I've told you before that you remind me of laboring women in transition before the epidural age. We never said that they were making a big deal of nothing, just that they had no choice but to settle down and make it through...and it would be worth it in the end.

 

I have never had your level of symptoms, but I will say my symptoms on the drugs while tapering were worse than symptoms after stopping (although I'm still not off everything) so I am sure I was healing or detoxing during that time. But you are right, akathisia is horrible.