Iggy131313 validation is imminent

[btdt]

Iggy, we are what we think, basically;forgive me if I am blunt.

With your persistent. negative, pessimistic attitude you have become the worst obstacle for your recovery.

People have been trying to help you in this forum for months;but it seems that you are beyond any help.And that is so sad.

Attitude, Iggy;attitude can make the difference in this and many other circumstances in life.

Even facing death, attitude is what tells you what you are made of.

Unfortunatelly I have to agree with you on one thing:it is going to be very hard for you to recover from this condition, just because you keep boicoting your wonderful body and mind.

I am sorry.

Alex I think there is a time early on where the state of mind is under the control of the withdrawal I truly believe this in my own case.. and likely in others... it is not a choice it is a condition and no amount of challenge would have moved me from where I was as it was not a choice it was something I had to endure and when it was time it lessened.. that was my experience... it had nothing to do with a choice.. it was I am sure for me brain chemistry... all the way. 

[cymbaltawithdrawal5600]

It is not clear from Iggy's sig where she is in recovery, when she first went CT or even if she is off meds or tapering. Has it been 10 years? I think what Alex is referring to is her concentration on others who say they are not healed and assuming that is her fate too. That is the thing Alex is warning her not to fall into. So whether or not is a choice in her thinking is not the point, she has a choice about whether or not to keep reinforcing it in her posts. I have the same thoughts every day but I don't post them and have stopped telling my friends how I really feel when they ask. So I see it is a bit of recovery that I am not compelled to write or talk about it as much as I did. But I did it a lot and it came out again today along with a lot of tears and anger at my mom. That hasn't happened for a couple of weeks. Wow.

 

There are some times when I am feeling so down that I cannot let myself read such posts from others. So I skip them.

[btdt]

It is not clear from Iggy's sig where she is in recovery, when she first went CT or even if she is off meds or tapering. Has it been 10 years? I think what Alex is referring to is her concentration on others who say they are not healed and assuming that is her fate too. That is the thing Alex is warning her not to fall into. So whether or not is a choice in her thinking is not the point, she has a choice about whether or not to keep reinforcing it in her posts. I have the same thoughts every day but I don't post them and have stopped telling my friends how I really feel when they ask. So I see it is a bit of recovery that I am not compelled to write or talk about it as much as I did. But I did it a lot and it came out again today along with a lot of tears and anger at my mom. That hasn't happened for a couple of weeks. Wow.

 

There are some times when I am feeling so down that I cannot let myself read such posts from others. So I skip them.

I think you are taking good care of yourself and knowing when to step away is a learning curve i had problems with... form what I read Iggy was on Effexor 150mg for 4 years tapered over 3 months.. a few drugs inbetween unclear but off all drugs 20 months..

I think we all know fast taper and cold turkey can take longer to recover from or that is my undestanding... Maybe I can identify with Iggly because i went cold turkey.. know we are kind of the same and I see from your data your the same too... 

It is thru talking that we learn things is what i think... and I have learned from others who listened to me be negative and it helped me... I don't know this is just my take on it ... wish you peace.

[Nutmeg]

 

Iggy, we are what we think, basically;forgive me if I am blunt.

With your persistent. negative, pessimistic attitude you have become the worst obstacle for your recovery.

People have been trying to help you in this forum for months;but it seems that you are beyond any help.And that is so sad.

Attitude, Iggy;attitude can make the difference in this and many other circumstances in life.

Even facing death, attitude is what tells you what you are made of.

Unfortunatelly I have to agree with you on one thing:it is going to be very hard for you to recover from this condition, just because you keep boicoting your wonderful body and mind.

I am sorry.

Alex I think there is a time early on where the state of mind is under the control of the withdrawal I truly believe this in my own case.. and likely in others... it is not a choice it is a condition and no amount of challenge would have moved me from where I was as it was not a choice it was something I had to endure and when it was time it lessened.. that was my experience... it had nothing to do with a choice.. it was I am sure for me brain chemistry... all the way.

 

I agree-it is neurological not psychological. If you can change your attitude, by all means do but I found I could not because my nervous system was in an uproar.

On the other hand, one's self talk can make a huge difference. There must be a light at the end of the tunnel or so many others would not have made it.

[cymbaltawithdrawal5600]

 I think the main problem in finding people who have had long recoveries is not that they don't exist, but in finding them.  Most people want to recover so that they can get on with their lives, not so they can stay on internet forums dwelling on the worst period of their life, I would think that 99.9% of people who go through this and recover want to put it as far behind them as they can and the longer and more difficult it is, the stronger that impulse. Then there's all the people who get off these meds, recover and don't use internet forums for support at all. If you don't find someone 7+ years to talk to, please don't think its because they don't exist.  We have to recover eventually, because all the cells in our body are constantly renewing themselves, some cells take longer than others, but over the course of years, our bodies are continually transformed into new versions.  As long as we are alive, we are changing.

I found this in btdt's thread from when she first got here.

 

Iggy, don't you think this might be why you have no hope? Just because you can't find recovered people does not mean it doesn't happen. We'd all like that kind of validation but sadly, there's not much of it out there and when we do see some little tidbit of hope, we discount it because it didn't happen to us or the meds weren't the same or whatever we find to wail about. Then we post our despair and for what reason? To get someone to agree with us that we will never recover? Have you ever seen anywhere on this board one person who replies in such a way? And do we really want them to? I don't think so.

 

The issue that some of us see is repeated posts of negativity. It doesn't matter to me what people write. It only matters to me what I read. This board is for peer support and support means how can we help you to go on when you won't see any light at the end of the tunnel.

[cymbaltawithdrawal5600]

Did you see Nadia's post on the little things she is doing to help herself? Very good ideas but very easy to discount them because I for one am too smart for that, I want to see proof first. That is how my mind works. Doesn't mean I won't try it, though.

 

I should probably just shut up about all this. Pretty sure no one wants to hear me talk. I can see I get very few replies when I post in other's threads. That should be a hint that I am barking up the wrong tree.

[cymbaltawithdrawal5600]

PS.

 

Nadia's thread is called 'The importance of feeling good'.

[alex]

 

.. form what I read Iggy was on Effexor 150mg for 4 years tapered over 3 months.. a few drugs inbetween unclear but off all drugs 20 months..

 

 

That was me,Alex.

From what I read, Iggy was on drugs for 2.5 years total and reinstated...

The obsession for looking for the worst scenarios in this condition wont help anybody.

And certainly is not helping Iggy.

[cymbaltawithdrawal5600]

Thank Alex,

 

That's what I was trying to say, you did it better.

[Altostrata]

cymbaltawithdrawal5600, I think you've done the very best you can to support Iggy, and I, for one, thank you for it.
 
Nadia's excellent self-soothing topic is here http://survivingantidepressants.org/index.php?/topic/6129-the-importance-of-feeling-good/
 
So much healing depends on attitude and being present rather than dwelling on the most frightening possibilities which, in our condition, definitely makes our upset nervous systems worse.

[cymbaltawithdrawal5600]

Thank for the compliment Alto. I have suicidal thoughts nearly every day, especially when I think about the future. But I have slowly come to realize that if I voice them to others it brings no relief and really upsets them. The same would happen here if I posted about them all the time, no relief and possibly alarm others. I just have to live with them and sometimes I cry a lot.

 

 

Everyone wants proof that they will get better and no one can give it. I guess the only thing is to stay alive and wait and see. I am sure not the same arrogant person I was when I first got here.

 

 

I have no illusions that I can help anyone else but I can try to help myself as Iggy will have to help herself.

[NoMeaning25]

I know exactly where Iggy is coming from and i think she has every right to feel like she does. I feel the same. Being in severe hell and seeing alot of people off 10 years and still suffering definitely makes you loose all hope. We always get reassured and promised we will recover, but then we see alot of people still suffering years and years later.

 

I am sad to see how rude some people where to Iggy. She is suffering really badly. She needs encouragement that she will get better. Even if it means encouraging her everyday. Some of us have it much harder than most on here. We are all just looking for support. This is her journal where she can post whatever she likes, how she feels. If you don't like it, why read and make rude comments that will hurt her feelings?

 

Iggy, keep holding on. We will make it. We will get through this. We will. And when that happens i will come to UK and we will have a much deserved holiday!!!!

[compsports]

Hi OlivaS,

 

We all have a right to feel negatively, not matter how dark the feelings are.   But the issue is if someone posts a suicide threat on this board and doesn't move off of her/her main position that it is hopeless, that puts the administrators, moderators, and other board members in a very precarious position in which we are not really trained for.   I know that doesn't sound very warm and fuzzy but unfortunately, this is reality.   As a result, what may seem like cold hearted reasponses may simply be due to dealing with those frustrations.

 

Look, as one who has had my own negative feelings in dealing with my pap therapy intolerance, I am the last person who wants to censor what people say.   But maybe if someone is seriously suicidal, they should compile a list of people they can PM who feel they are in a position to listen to them non judgmentally.    I realize Iggy may already be doing this and if the answer is yes, I strongly urge that this strategy be continued.

[cymbaltawithdrawal5600]

I  went back as far as page 20 in Iggy's thread, if you are in a bad place don't read it. The very thing CS is talking about happened last Sept. and maybe before that too. She was repeatedly told to get in-person help by several mods. After a while she stopped posting here, don't know if she was posting anywhere else or what she did to get through it. She logged on here a few times but didn't post, Petu even posted to see how she was doing. Then she started posting again about Rife energy and methylation issues. Then the worrying and negativity started again. The thing is, she has been repeatedly told that focusing on negativity does not help and puts a strain on all who are here. I asked her to tell how she got through that crisis to get her focussed on recovery again but she continues to focus on the negative stories of others that she finds and putting herself there and posting her worries here.

 

Perhaps Olivia might want to read the posts again, no one is telling Iggy she can't post what she likes. No one. Encouragement seems to have no effect on her. Telling us who have tried to get her to curb her excessive worry that we are being rude hurts all of us and helps Iggy not at all. There is a limit to what this board and it's volunteer staff can do. It is hard enough to read these tragic stories every day to see if maybe today is the day someone got a little relief and to cheer them on.

 

 

What else can we do?

[Altostrata]

That is correct, being a virtual community, we can't do much if a person repeatedly posts about suicidal intent except refer them to the real-world community.

 

We've talked Iggy down many, many times -- she has also participated for years in other online support groups who do the same.

 

Rather than counter every one of Iggy's doomy posts in other topics, we have requested she post only in her Intro topic, where concerned members of the community may support her if they wish. She can, of course, correspond with anyone via personal messages or e-mail or phone if they both agree.

 

We all wish Iggy well, but she needs to learn how to be her own best friend. Encouraging her to do this is all we can do online.

[cymbaltawithdrawal5600]

Thanks for the clarification, Alto. I didn't read through the whole thread but did remember the previous incident. I was relatively new here then and in my own little world. If I want more hope and positivity I should start posting it in my thread now that I can type again. I wish Iggy good luck and understand that I have given all the encouragement I can. There is certainly no shortage of stories to read here and learn from :-)

[btdt]

thankyou btdt, the people I talk of have both posted on here at some point but i feel it would be wrong to mention them on here without their permission, both these people support me, or try to, and they have improved over the years but still suffer and still have very little quality of life..and I know of about 10 people who have not healed in 10 years..

 

I try to do whatever I can to heal, i really do, but you cant unknow things once you have learned them, i wish I could..also the pgad is permenant, i know that much, yes some people have had it and had it go away, but for the most part it is for life, i have been on the pgad forums, and those women have had it for 20 years or more...i try to think maybe its becasue they are going on and off other drugs to try and deal with it, and therefore not giving their brains a chance to heal, that might be a part of it

I think I have had a pm from one of them.  I hope I am not one of them and I know I am not by this: until I had the car accident in 2012 I was feeling much better getting hurt taking drugs I really could not do without set me back. I think I would be much further ahead now had that not happened.  Here I am now in reality I had a bad year in 2013 too with a broken foot and surgery... more pills more physical trauma... so a good solid year of crap.  

I am not asking you to believe that those people are not telling the truth I suspect they are but without their particulars drug specifics doses time on we can't really compare ourselves to them. I am not trying to get you to say anything you don't want to say or make you be quiet either.. please pm me any time you like. 

I am saying even if you and I took the exact same pills for the exact same time we would likely have different withdrawal symptoms and different types of withdrawal.  

I have been reading sites like this a long long time now and one thing I have noticed as the initial period is more difficult for those of us who have done a fast taper or gone cold turkey. 

I for one don't believe I cannot heal from cold turkey.. I think I can and I refuse to give up. I do however understand you thinking it will not get better I have been in that place before as it went on and on for a few years and I thought I guess this is it.. I am stuck here and what am I going to do about it... I thought about it a lot.  I came up with the idea that I would do what I could to make the lives of the people I love a bit better even it that was not much... make a sandwich or make a phone call to a lonely family member putting all my crap aside and listen to their issues ... I would make a stab at service in many small ways.  So I could leave some good memories is small ways along the path I traveled kind of like planting a flower of kindness...when I was up to it that is what I did.  When I wasn't up to it I looked for other ways of getting better... EFT helped me I don't know how but it did... as did deep relaxation... and I can say this a million times and think I likely have in the past 6 years I pass on what helps any tiny bit of help as I know how much any improvement meant to me in those early days.  I tiny smidge of improvement meant a lot.. I will keep doing it. I will keep saying it. Not only because it is the truth but because I want to add a bit of something caring to your world as I know how it feels to think there is no caring left in people .. well there is caring left in people lot so it.  Sometimes we just can't see it... or find it but it is out there some place.  When I could not relate well with people I retreated to nature trees grass grounding exercises and wearing the colour red - it is suppose to be grounding and books on energy and some fiction and healing all types of healing and church on tv some of it was good if it wasn't I had a converter to change it. 

The thing is I really think it is easy to get stuck when going thru withdrawal and doing anything that might help is better than doing nothing... I will send you a link for the EFT that I did when I was at my worst I did it and I can't say how it helped but it did. 

This is the exact same video I used 

and I felt silly doing it and did not want to be seen... lol I recall that so vividly now still it looks silly to me but it helped me. 

I think you will heal I do... 

I think I will heal too

 

Will we be 18 skinny and beautiful... lol not me maybe you will we will be different when this is done likely better is some way and in other ways not but we will be alive we will have choices we will know not to go to this place again.  

It is way to early in the game to be thinking about losing way too early. 

When was talking about that time I thought I was never going to get unstuck... well I did I came out from under that and very very slowly things improved so slowly that I could not see the improvement unless I looked back a couple of years I think this is how it is for fast taper and cold turkey people... up and down and all around but there is not sense thinking 10 years before you get 2 or 3 years under you belt to start with. 

Distraction was good for me too just not think about it... do anything walk in a park... get a pet if your allowed and are up to it...expect to get better then worse..in time you will take this is stride too... we adapt Iggy and we do it because we are hard wired to live to get thru the rough spots and go on.  Your body and brain are doing the best they can just now to heal from this tho it is rough hard work is going on under the surface you just don' t see it yet.  There was a time in withdrawal that I had to reach out to get some help it was started by a friend passing and I went with all my preconceived ideas of past therapy and I talked and she listened... and that is what was suppose to happen. 

She was suppose to be good and I told her all I felt about all this crap too if she was skeptical she kept it to herself I was not asking her permission or trying to gain an ally I was telling her how it was.. that too was something I needed to do for myself at that time I know this sort of thing is out there.  

I think I went for 6 months or so once a wk. for an hour.  It gave me something to think about a place to go a person to talk to.. she never once suggested drugs to me as I got that out of the way the first apt. 

There is no harm in talking to somebody if you need to Iggy and if it is specifically talk therapy they are not qualified to give drugs anyway so your safe in that respect.

Whatever you need to do that does not hurt anyone is what you do but please don't give up as it is way to soon to think long term way too soon.  hang in there and try something new to help yourself get a colouring book and colour ya another of my ground breaking answers it help me... it really did. 

I wish you peace Iggy 

[Iggy131313]

thankyou to everyone who is being supportive, and i am disregarding the non supportive posts or those who are offering veiled insults...

 

what I a trying to explain is that I am THE most severe person I have ever read about, beyond EVERYONE I have ever read or heard about....i would love to have a different attitude, but the truth is in my head and theres nothing i clan do to change that, does everyone heal? no they dont...most peple who have a milder reaction will heal....but people who are in the state I am, who have the amount of damage that I have, no, I havent seen anyone ever reciver from this....

 

it was the severe adverse reaction that did it, after the CT....that was the nail in the coffin

 

I have over 50 severe SEVERE symptoms, i have NO life, my whole life is just endless severe suffering, physical, mental, and on another realm, im not weak, im incredibly strong, alex I have known you for a long time, your withdrawal is NOTHING like mine, if I had your symptoms I wouldnt even be on a forum, i would know i could get better, i could see the evidence...but not in my ststae

 

i wish people could experience what I have to live through everyday, NO ONE has been as severe as me, apart from possibly 2 cases and on finding those people, no they are 10 years and still in acute suffering, have no life, it seems pretty obviou to me that if they are the only people who have had experinces the same as mine, that that is how my own life will become, I cant see how it could be any different, why should it?

 

constsnt severe akathisia and pgad, confusion, agony, anguish, its not even worth going into all my symptoms, most of which have no words..i cannot work, I cannot play, I cannot speak half the time,  i cannot be a mother to my 5 year old son, I hear him crying for me, but i cant do anything...im not threatening suicide, I am saying that all I want is to die, my suffering is so severe that I beg for death to free me from this, it would be so beautiful, and i know healing from my state is a lie, i WISH it wasnt, but i know the truth, and its the TRUTH

 

I dont know why i post on here, or anywhere but i have to say what i feel SOMEWHERE, im so desperate for help, for hope, and i cant find either

[compsports]

Iggy,

 

I feel like you put forum members in a dammed if you do and dammed if you don't position.  You want hope which is then given to you and then you reject that saying you are the worst case on this earth.  It leaves us with no where to go in helping you.

 

And to say no one has it as bad as you is extremely insulting.   Other than what people post here, you don't know what their story is.  Just because many people chose to spare forum members depressing details for various reasons, doesn't mean their suffering is any less than what you have experienced.   And frankly, playing the game of my suffering is worse than yours is a big time losing battle. 

 

Look, I am sorry you are suffering, I truly am.    But I hope you hear what I am trying to say instead of just brushing it off as an insult.

 

CS

[Iggy131313]

i dont think you have ever insulted me CS....and i hear you when you say I dont know the whole story of others, but my instinct tells me im right and that im far too damaged to recover, sometimes I come across a thread and think ''oh this person sounds like they have it as bad as me, and then I see they are WORKING or able to go out for dinner or play sports or something

 

its not that im not trying, I try so hard, SO hard, no one could try any harder than I do, but the damage is so severe, so extreme, there is simply no coming back from this, if I could find a recovery story of someone who had it like I do and recovered, i would have hope, but sadly I havent found anyone, and all the stories that are like mine taht I chase up, those poor people are still extremely severe at 7, 8, 9, 10 years off

 

I dont expect anyone on here to be able to help me, I post becasue I have to, i have to write somwhere, desperatly looking for somone to pull me out f this, or tell me of someone as severe as me who made it, but i have searched for 2 years for that person, and never found them...just found my worst fears coming true over and over again...

 

I know I am one of, if not the most severe case ever seen, i wish so much I wasnt, i dont want to be, its nothing to brag about or be proud of, id do anything to change it, anyway, Ill go for a while again, I know i just annoy people, again, widh i didnt but, theres nothing i can do about it.

 

i wish healing to everyone

[compsports]

Glad to hear that Iggy as I definitely don't want to do that to people who are hurting like yourself.  

 

What can you do to get yourself unstuck from where you are currently regarding your thinking?   Someone asked you what you did before get out of it and I would love to know also.

[compsports]

i dont think you have ever insulted me CS....and i hear you when you say I dont know the whole story of others, but my instinct tells me im right and that im far too damaged to recover, sometimes I come across a thread and think ''oh this person sounds like they have it as bad as me, and then I see they are WORKING or able to go out for dinner or play sports or something

 

its not that im not trying, I try so hard, SO hard, no one could try any harder than I do, but the damage is so severe, so extreme, there is simply no coming back from this, if I could find a recovery story of someone who had it like I do and recovered, i would have hope, but sadly I havent found anyone, and all the stories that are like mine taht I chase up, those poor people are still extremely severe at 7, 8, 9, 10 years off

 

I dont expect anyone on here to be able to help me, I post becasue I have to, i have to write somwhere, desperatly looking for somone to pull me out f this, or tell me of someone as severe as me who made it, but i have searched for 2 years for that person, and never found them...just found my worst fears coming true over and over again...

 

I know I am one of, if not the most severe case ever seen, i wish so much I wasnt, i dont want to be, its nothing to brag about or be proud of, id do anything to change it, anyway, Ill go for a while again, I know i just annoy people, again, widh i didnt but, theres nothing i can do about it.

 

i wish healing to everyone

Iggy,

 

Again, I feel like we are going around in circles.   No, I can't find that person who fits your exact description.   But there are cases on mind freedom in which people underwent insulin coma therapy in which their brain was destroyed and went on to have a productive life.   Can't imagine anything worse than that.

 

Why not just say to yourself that you don't know how it is going to happen but you're going to find someway to recover and inspire other people in similar situations.   Why not try to be that success story you can't find so you can provide the hope to other people?

 

CS

[Iggy131313]

i want that so much, its very hard to hold onto hope when I look at christiana, druid, light,  luc, sheila, squirral, poodlebell, agneta, even alto although i know her main issue is sleep and other things have gotten better...all these people ver 7 years and still suffering so badly, especially the first 3 and 2 are at nearly 10 years, how can I hold onto hope? when I am quite intelligent and can see with my own eyes the reality, that there is no guarentee of healing, even shipko says it doesnt he? that some of us are waiting for somehting that is not going to happen?

 

i promise to try, but i always do, I try I find something to hold onto that can help me o get through the next minute, hour, day....and yes  have very small periods of improvement, where hope is easier to see, and then it comes crashing around me, but i must say that my ''windows'' are most likely most peoples severe wave, thanks for your support, i thank everyone for their support, no one can give me what I so desperatly need, which is being told I will recover, that its worth holding on, and im terrified, but im trying

[compsports]

i want that so much, its very hard to hold onto hope when I look at christiana, druid, light,  luc, sheila, squirral, poodlebell, agneta, even alto although i know her main issue is sleep and other things have gotten better...all these people ver 7 years and still suffering so badly, especially the first 3 and 2 are at nearly 10 years, how can I hold onto hope? when I am quite intelligent and can see with my own eyes the reality, that there is no guarentee of healing, even shipko says it doesnt he? that some of us are waiting for somehting that is not going to happen?

 

i promise to try, but i always do, I try I find something to hold onto that can help me o get through the next minute, hour, day....and yes  have very small periods of improvement, where hope is easier to see, and then it comes crashing around me, but i must say that my ''windows'' are most likely most peoples severe wave, thanks for your support, i thank everyone for their support, no one can give me what I so desperatly need, which is being told I will recover, that its worth holding on, and im terrified, but im trying

Iggy,

 

Stop looking at other people's situation as you don't know the whole story and focus on your own recovery.   Otherwise, it will keep you in a depressing spiral you will never get out of.   And bleep Dr. Shipko as even you said in a previous post that was based on very few cases.

[cymbaltawithdrawal5600]

A while back I read giak's story about when she was coming off meds and being bedridden for 2 years so you could read it and find a positive story you could compare to, Iggy, but it's impossible to find what I want on this slow tablet. But we have recovery stories here and one of the most memorable to me is Charly D's.

 

I would guess that because I did not agree that no one else is as bad as you and you will never recover that I am one (or maybe the only one) who you feel offered a veiled insult. I can't get anyone to agree with me either that I will never recover, that my life is over and that after my mother dies there will be no one who needs me and why should I keep living. My friends have their own lives, they don't need me. As soon as my mother goes, I will barely have enough to live on. No more phone, car or internet. No A/C for the brutal Fl summers or heat in the winter if I want to have money to eat. I can't work very much right now, have lost a lot of customers and for all my education and smarts I have never been able to hold a job. So my SS income is very low and my basic rent is more than half of it.

 

I can't sit still and the only thing I do all day is play solitaire and word games on my tablet. I used to be able to fix computers. Can't read or do crafts anymore. Can't clean this trailer that I seem to have let get so dirty while I was on meds and tore up intending to fix things but never got around to. If it takes 10 years to recover and become functional again I'll be in my 70's and what kind of a job will I be able to get? The nearest place is 5 miles away and since by that time I won't have a car do I think I will be walking there to work?

 

Well sorry about that, I guess I should be posting this in my own thread instead of yours. I keep telling this story to my friends and they keep assuring me I will recover. I am smart enough now to stop telling it because they will get tired of me and will soon drift away. I can't see any future for me that has any good in it. What will life be like when I can't leave home and won't even have this forum to visit? If I thought about these things every day and reinforced them by telling people and posting in my thread about how bad it is I'd start screaming and would never stop. Then it's off to the psych ward and drugs to shut me up.

 

Worry and anxiety feed on themselves. All I was trying to do was help you see that. But I see from your post this morning that I didn't help one bit. I am too old for recovery and if it ever comes, that I can sleep a full night and enjoy being alive just because, it may be too late.

 

You may ask the mods to delete this post. Sorry I messed up your thread. I never said anything about not posting how you feel. I just asked you to tell how you managed to hang on during the time when you weren't here to get your thinking started in a better direction. It was my mistake not to read your thread from the beginning to see that posting 'gloomy stuff', as Alto says, is how you are coping. If you don't want to go there, that's fine. I was only trying to help but I know that no one except my mom really needs my help anymore and even she resists that. She is 89 and has lung disease and won't live to see me get well if I ever do.

 

I hope things will get better for you and sorry I can't agree with you saying you are the worst you have ever seen and you won't get better. I just can't say that to anyone if that is what you want to hear. I can tell myself I won't get better because it only hurts me but I can't tell it to someone else and take their hope away.

[cymbaltawithdrawal5600]

I see you posted while I was writing. You said: "no one can give me what I so desperatly need, which is being told I will recover, that its wortih holding on".

 

You will recover and it is worth holding on. Btdt has told you that too. We can ask everyone who reads your thread to tell you too.

 

Hope this helps and gives you 'what you really need'. If this is the thing that really works let me know.

[Altostrata]

“Whether you think you can, or you think you can't--you're right.”
― Henry Ford

[btdt]

thankyou to everyone who is being supportive, and i am disregarding the non supportive posts or those who are offering veiled insults...

 

what I a trying to explain is that I am THE most severe person I have ever read about, beyond EVERYONE I have ever read or heard about....i would love to have a different attitude, but the truth is in my head and theres nothing i clan do to change that, does everyone heal? no they dont...most peple who have a milder reaction will heal....but people who are in the state I am, who have the amount of damage that I have, no, I havent seen anyone ever reciver from this....

 

it was the severe adverse reaction that did it, after the CT....that was the nail in the coffin

 

I have over 50 severe SEVERE symptoms, i have NO life, my whole life is just endless severe suffering, physical, mental, and on another realm, im not weak, im incredibly strong, alex I have known you for a long time, your withdrawal is NOTHING like mine, if I had your symptoms I wouldnt even be on a forum, i would know i could get better, i could see the evidence...but not in my ststae

 

i wish people could experience what I have to live through everyday, NO ONE has been as severe as me, apart from possibly 2 cases and on finding those people, no they are 10 years and still in acute suffering, have no life, it seems pretty obviou to me that if they are the only people who have had experinces the same as mine, that that is how my own life will become, I cant see how it could be any different, why should it?

 

constsnt severe akathisia and pgad, confusion, agony, anguish, its not even worth going into all my symptoms, most of which have no words..i cannot work, I cannot play, I cannot speak half the time,  i cannot be a mother to my 5 year old son, I hear him crying for me, but i cant do anything...im not threatening suicide, I am saying that all I want is to die, my suffering is so severe that I beg for death to free me from this, it would be so beautiful, and i know healing from my state is a lie, i WISH it wasnt, but i know the truth, and its the TRUTH

 

I dont know why i post on here, or anywhere but i have to say what i feel SOMEWHERE, im so desperate for help, for hope, and i cant find either

"constsnt severe akathisia and pgad, confusion, agony, anguish, its not even worth going into all my symptoms, most of which have no words..i cannot work, I cannot play, I cannot speak half the time, "

If my shady memory is not failing me I do not see one thing on your list I have not lived thru and recovered at least in part from... 

I too once thought nobody else on this forum is like me none of them they can all walk.. ect... 

For 8 months I could not read a forums ....

a friend was watching me try to log into the internet and thought I had forgot my pass word... I said not I can't seem to spell my name...the first 3 months I went from hosp to hops in cabs as I could not drive... I did that when the vomiting diarrhea and spinning stopped enough I could get up...I am not joking at all Iggy not at all.

The next 5 months were mostly in bed with tinfoil on the windows ear plugs brain zaps you name it mixed with mad pacing... hell 

yes I know it

you will not find a journal from me during this time as I could not think well enough to write one...could not have a conversation...even my explanations to doctors were limp and likely not that good. Part of the time I could not breath could not lay down for fear of downing... gerd ...I laid on pillows to ease the pain and slept sitting up ... used cold packs and liament and heating pads....  I hate to think of it actually but have briefly to try to get across to you how bad it was... and I prayed all the time. I drank baby pedia lite as I could not keep food down for a long time... I did water therapy eventually and that helped I could tell you about it if you have digestive issues... I could not process food thru my body... chicken stock ...boiled carrots 

and when I came out of it enough to walk... without holding onto walls and the brain zaps calmed to only when I moved and or moved my eyes... when I could not hear a scraping when I moved my eyes... I thought it was ending and it wasn't. 

I was sure this entire time I was dying of some rare disorder they could not find and eventually people would say of me after I had gone "she was sick and they could not find anything then after they told her what it was she lived two wks"  Stuff like that went thru my head.... all the time I countered it with prayer. 

I had resigned myself to these facts I thought were right. All before I hear a word of this entire issue having anything to do with withdrawal. Before pp before a word of antidepressants having this power. 

 

There is more so much more I don't want to recall... and as it started to ease enough for me to get write I too thought I would never feel ok not ever... and it took a long long long time with many ups and downs but I DID ...eventually I got better and better still... the best things is to have have aversion to light or to hear a song and not have it repeat for 6 wks or to enjoy a walk outside those small things once I was able to do them... oh to walk not because I could not sit still but just to walk... that too.. 

There are so many things I am grateful to be gone from me... so many.  At this moment I get why people who recover run from places like this it is such a drag to go over it in my head even the tiny bit I have just touched on... it hurts me in some way I don't want to admit or notice but it is there. I get it. 

I was a pain in the butt to people on sites like this too as I was sure there was long term deep damage and if we did not have the amazing bodies we do have I could see it... and there may be some things hanging around that will be with me forever ... and I do not care.... because I know who I am that is an amazing thing to me... as I had a severe personality change... I am back now.  

I have said all this Iggy so you will know this is way too soon for you to say your doomed tho I do recall a brain state where I was stuck there too.. please consider the idea that maybe this is not the only possibility just think about it as a possible... and then take a look around you at what you can do.. you can read and type at least some of the time that is a start... can you colour with those kids of yours?  Anything you can do to take your mind of this and be a blessing to those you love no matter how short a time or if you only colour one flower and the rest will have to wait for another time.. it is a start and all these tiny tiny starts kick start healing.  

I truly believe this there is a feed back mechanism in our brains there are actually i am sure a lot of them... and movement and hand eye coordination and memories of colouring from you past could all be given a tiny push by this one act of colouring a flower or a dog or a dog tail or paw... anything Iggy step out in faith and do your best and that is all anyone can ask of you.  Please make an attempt and don't expect too much of yourself... I did that too for a long time I was such an over achiever with 3 jobs and blah blah blah my heart was broken by my state... so was my pride and a lot of other things... but this is now this is today and what are you going to do today... take a look at those kids of yours... what can you do for them... now

just one small thing that is all I ask... every attempt is a step out every step is the start of a new connection in your brain a chance of distraction from this state of doom it is a chance for hope to set in...

There is a crack in everything Iggy that's how the light gets in ...find that crap and pry away at it every day...

ring the bells that still will ring... find and feed that feedback loop in your brain... one tiny step

forget that perfect offering - we are not perfect in withdrawal we have to come on bended knee with what we have come as you are... and we will take your hand I like to think this is what sites like this do believe in you till you can believe in yourself... find one thing one tiny step reach... I know you can. 

Yes it is the a song and I can't help it when I could finally listen to music again it became my anthem.... it is actually called anthem it is on my every thing  

if you can stand sound at this point here is the song in case you can

https://www.google.ca/url?sa=t&rct=j&q=&esrc=s&source=web&cd=1&cad=rja&uact=8&ved=0CDAQtwIwAA&url=http%3A%2F%2Fwww.youtube.com%2Fwatch%3Fv%3D5ma5tF6TJpA&ei=K4NNU7WnJYff2AWXmIDoAQ&usg=AFQjCNG1RrgxcsfGqL397uhAyEMqjZSwWQ&bvm=bv.64764171,d.b2I

 

 

[btdt]

I challenge you Iggy  to do one session  of tapping just try it...PLEASE 

It is not magic but you have to start some place it helped me I can't say how take a chance....

[btdt]

Find that crack then rest when you need to and try again...and again and again...like water over a rock you can make a change in time... keep trying. 

You will be here in my place one day saying this to another who thinks they can't heal ...desperately searching for the right words and when that time comes just tell the truth and you can't go wrong... the words will come when you really need them. When the time is right. We may not become brain surgeons but we can heal enough to bless those we love and there is nothing better then that. 

[btdt]

i want that so much, its very hard to hold onto hope when I look at christiana, druid, light,  luc, sheila, squirral, poodlebell, agneta, even alto although i know her main issue is sleep and other things have gotten better...all these people ver 7 years and still suffering so badly, especially the first 3 and 2 are at nearly 10 years, how can I hold onto hope? when I am quite intelligent and can see with my own eyes the reality, that there is no guarentee of healing, even shipko says it doesnt he? that some of us are waiting for somehting that is not going to happen?

 

i promise to try, but i always do, I try I find something to hold onto that can help me o get through the next minute, hour, day....and yes  have very small periods of improvement, where hope is easier to see, and then it comes crashing around me, but i must say that my ''windows'' are most likely most peoples severe wave, thanks for your support, i thank everyone for their support, no one can give me what I so desperatly need, which is being told I will recover, that its worth holding on, and im terrified, but im trying

You found a crack already you have seen a glimmer this is it trust it trust us we are not lying to you... I look at Alto now after finding her fist in 2008 and I see her as healed compared to where she was... she is running this site... for crying out loud that is amazing to me.... it is I am amazing to me..even tho I have had a rotten year.. I will find ways to over come that too... as what choice do I have...none thats what... 

your windows will increase and waves will happen and you will one day go oh I am in a wave **** I don't want to be but let me look at how I can make it as good as I can... it will happen. 

It is happening. It is ok to be terrified but one day it will not terrify you any longer it will be old hat ... you will feel it coming and go like I just said oh this is a wave... and be prepared for it because we humans can adapt.  we can and we do... you will too. 

Fight like hell and rest... every battle is won be not quitting I don't care what it is. 

I am glad to see your not giving up your going to beat this enough...enough to have a life... of some kind to be a mother..  

peace to you

[cymbaltawithdrawal5600]

What a horrible time you lived through, Btdt. Bless you. You have helped me more than you'll ever know. I hope you'll be there to remind me things get better if my dark night comes again.

 

One of the hardest things to remember is that these posts are a snapshot in time for how we feel at the moment. They don't necessarily mean that things are the way they are all of the time.

 

Iggy did not ask for my help or support, she just wants to post her agony. I respect that. You just never know when someone might say something that just clicks. This time it wasn't me. I didn't understand what she needed.

 

I have a friend who calls me every day to meet her for a walk and there was a time for a couple of weeks where she came and got me because I was terrified to drive. I would tell her my worries every day and cry. She always (and still does) tell me I will recover. I still don't believe it except for that brief moment. This has been going on since my crash in Nov. And I would tell others my story too. Gradually I stopped doing it. Then about a week ago a person asked me again and I found myself telling my worries again. I hadn't been feeling particularly bad until afterwards and then it clicked. Reciting that stuff makes me feel bad. As I wrote my post here this morning I felt bad again, bringing up those unsolvable worries and my day has been hell. So I am gradually starting to see how that negativity affects my feelings. But maybe for Iggy it works the other way. She dumps her worries here and then goes on to feel better.

 

I now know that I can ask my friends if they think I will recover without me telling my story and waiting for them to tell me afterwards. They always say yes so I can let myself believe them for as many moments as I can manage till I can do it on my own.

 

Iggy you will recover, that's a fact. Just because no one can tell you how long it will take doesn't change that. The ones who have gotten better (like Btdt and giak and Alto and Rhi and all the others we don't know about yet) say it is so. So there's no harm in believing it can't happen to me too and the only dreadful future I can imagine might turn out to be infinitely wonderful and include peace and blissful sleep.

[Iggy131313]

thankyou all so much

 

btdt, did you ever have any pgad?

[cymbaltawithdrawal5600]

Where are you in your taper, Iggy?

[Skyler]

Where are you in your taper, Iggy?

Hi CS... the medication is in the sig line, but not how long Caroline has been holding.

 

Caroline.. that info would be helpful. With all due respect, your sig line is a tad minimal. So maybe add the dose of citalopram at which you reinstated, how long ago that was, and how long you have been holding at 1.5 mgs Citalopram.

 

>"Citalopram 40mg 1 year

Citalopram 20mg 1.5 years

Cold turkey stop

 

w/d hits 5 months CT

 

Failed RI

 

now on 2.5mg/2mg/1.75mg/1.5mg"

[compsports]

 

Where are you in your taper, Iggy?

Hi CS... the medication is in the sig line, but not how long Caroline has been holding.

 

Caroline.. that info would be helpful. With all due respect, your sig line is a tad minimal. So maybe add the dose of citalopram at which you reinstated, how long ago that was, and how long you have been holding at 1.5 mgs Citalopram.

 

>"Citalopram 40mg 1 year

Citalopram 20mg 1.5 years

Cold turkey stop

 

w/d hits 5 months CT

 

Failed RI

 

now on 2.5mg/2mg/1.75mg/1.5mg"

 

Skyler,

 

It was cymbaltawithdrawal5600 who asked the question, not me.