Iggy131313 validation is imminent

[ladybug]

Whenever we hit a particularly bad wave we always look to stuff we might have done to trigger it. I know I was guilty of doing this after my rough patches. But sometimes these things just happen for NO reason. I don't think the Ibuprofen/SSRI connection is as strong as you are making it out to be.

 

"They found that people who had taken anti-inflammatories were less likely to have improvements in their depression at 12 weeks. However, the human follow-up study can only show an association, and cannot tell us whether the anti-inflammatory drugs caused the SSRIs to be less effective. This was well-conducted basic research but, at the moment, there is insufficient evidence of its application to humans."

 

I take Ibuprofen whenever I have cramps or a headache, sometimes as many as 4 in one day and I have never gone into "severe withdrawal" because of it. I've also been taking fresh ginger due to chronic WD nausea, and again, no worsening of symptoms.

 

You were doing so well before this latest wave, you will get there again.

[Meimeiquest]

I really hope this passes quickly. And thank you for writing. I had no idea about the ginger issue, but I knew something in my tumeric tea recipe was bothering me (coconut milk, tumeric, fresh GINGER, cinnamon, black pepper and a bit of honey or maple syrup)

[Iggy131313]

ladybug, i hear what your saying, but lets face it, when you have sensitisation to the degree that I do even what ay seem like an INPERCEPTABLE difference can be devestating to me, and as I said before my mum *did* go into severe withdrawal on a full dose of paxil simply from using alot of ibuprophen...

 

personally one of the worst waves I have ever had was from having fish oils, its only later that i found out the fish oils free up tryptophan from platelets....serotonin for ME is the enemy, any change AT ALL in serotonin for me has profound effects....positive ions, estrogen, progesterone, (best part of my cycle is a few days before mensruation is my best time) fish oils, most foods containing high levels of tryptophan, but then, you would think that lowering the dose would be helpful and not harmful, but its not becasue the issue for ME imo is the over senstisation of the serotonin receptors, like TD is the oversensitisation of the dopamine receptors, this is my theory, im not speaking for anyone else, and every single wave I have had there has been a reason for, yes I agree at times we can have a bad day out of nowhere, but I have always been quite predictable,

 

I suffer during my period and the week after the most, until I ovulate and then  have a slight improvement, culminating in a few decent days just before my period.....a virus of any kind will rev up the symptoms becasue the serotonin system is used by the immune system (apart from the flu as flu lowers serotnin in the brain hence why people can be depressed during the flu)......eating revs me up as dopamine is the signal for being hungry and serotonin rises to shut of the hungry feeling....

 

I am exquistly sensitive to things, and I would put my sons life on the fact that the ibuprophen did a number on me, its just too much of a coincidence that i take 6 pills and react the next day....also with my friend, he was doing great for a year and then changed something, he didnt realise that ginger had such an impact on the serotonin system...I can provide studies and articles for all of these claims im making...but im speaking only about myself

 

akathisia is so strng tonight, i want to throw myself out of the window, but i suspect i am ovulating, and i also have a cold, its virtually gone but even the mildest virus can have a big effect on me

 

 

I also get worse between 4.30 and 5.30...adrenaline peaks in the body at 4 and serotonin 5.....

[Iggy131313]

update, im getting worse and worse by the minute, im bedridden and screaming, my ex husband is on his way for my son, who im incapable of even speaking to, he is downstairs crying saying jesus make my mummy better please, maje her brain better again, its such a sad day

 

all i want is to die, i cant do this again, ive lost everything again, AGAIN

 

and i could cope with losing everything if i could not suffer this relentless hell, never ending suffering, 6 months of freedom, i knew it wouldnt last i knew it wouldnt but i hoped, my god how i hoped

 

why cant this kill you? why cant there be some god damn mercy and it just let you die? but no, you have to be there to experience every tortorous second of it, to know that you have lost everything and theres nothing you can do about it and all the while be besieged with these sensations thatare a milion times worse than any pain anyone has ever known

 

god help me, im begging god to help me

[Iggy131313]

I have been doing alot of reading, I had never really understood why the pssd community were talking about desensitised serotonin receptors, but now I understand

 

the 5ht1 receptor controls serotonin release to the rest of the brain....the thinking amongst the pssd community is that the desensitisation of the 5ht1 receptor is the issue...allow me to explain

 

the 5ht1 receptor has 2 sides, the pre synaptic and the post synaptic.........if only a small amount of serotonin is hitting the pre synaptic side of this receptor, it responds by INCREASING serotonin to the brain from the post synaptic side, therefore we have too much serotonin hitting the 5ht2 and 3 receptors...if we indeed have desensitised 5ht1 receptors then this receptor is constantly feeling that not enough serotonin is present and therefore INCREASES constantly the amount of serotonin released into the brain and once again hitting those other serotonin receptors, which in turn is inhibiting dopamine and causing symptoms like akathisia.....some symptoms are the inhibiting of dopamine, and others are simply the presence of too much serotonin on the 5ht2 and 3 receptors which also  I think have some supersensitivity

 

increasing serotonin on the post synaptic side of the 5ht1 would cause a worstening, adding anything that increases serotonin hitting the 5ht2 and 3 receptors would cause a worstening...it HAS to be an increase on the presynaptic side and ONLY of the 5ht1 receptor.....

 

this rings true for me, as when I have smoked cannabis, I can smoke cannabis and find DAYS of relief from it, it can take me from a 20% state of functioning to a 60-70% state, its that profound....however in experince it also can eventually turn on me, perhaps as there are studies to suggest that long term use leads to UPREGULATION of 5ht2 bad bad

 

now ANYTHING that increases sreotonin in the brain for me causes HUGE reactions for me, fish oil, full moon, tyrptophan, any tiny increase in the smal amount of ssri i still take, and my god, so many other things.....cannabis has a DIRECT effect on serotonin receptors, it ACTIVATES and STIMULATES serotonin receptors.....now that would usually kill me, KILL ME, but it doesnt....why not?? Becasue it is an agonist of the 5HT1 only......yes it increases serotoin, but on the pre synaptic side of the 5ht1 THEREFORE the feedback loop causes a lessening of serotonin production on the post synaptic side and less serotonin hitting those receptors that have an inhibitory effect on dopamine etc....

 

I belive that if there were a way to increase serotnin on the pre synaptic side of the 5ht1 receptors, if it was specific and had no effect on increasing serootnin anywhere else in the brain, and if it caused no feedback loop in the form of downregulation of 5ht1...that would be a cure...a treatment......I have wroitten to dr healy begging him to explore this angle further

[Iggy131313]

I would like to add that i am NOT recommending smoking cannabis to anyone, or trying anything themselves, I am simply sharing what I am thinking about things, some people dont like what they would call speculating about a cause, other like to see that some people are activly trying to find answers, I am what I am and I do what I do, people may take or leave it, I would certainly never suggest anyone smaokes weed, drinks, or does anything that may be destabilising, but if there are poeple out there with scientific minds who themselves want to research and look for answers,, then its worth having my opinion out there

[Meimeiquest]

Have you done any research on inositol supplementation? It's a second messenger (carries signal from many types of receptors). My doctor told me to take "gobs" and drop benzo rapidly. It actually worked very well, but then my sleep started to fall apart and I am tapering off. But it is involved in the enzyme that begins circadian rhythm adjustments and lithium affects that, and I felt it was too risky for me as a lithium consumer to keep taking at a high dose. But maybe it could ramp up that weak signal. You, however, would be the worst person to try it, sensitive as you are, but I wondered if you knew anything about it.

[Iggy131313]

yes I know about inositol, I know that shea carney from PP has found great relief to her sleep using it, but could only tolerate it after 7 years off....the problem with inositol would be that it would also sensitise other receptors, inclusing 5ht2 and 3, and its my guess (yes its all guess work) that we have some super sensitivity of those receptors anyway...it wouldnt be the right choice for me, certainly not now.....but thanks for the suggestion

 

I wanted to put this video here as it explains the functioning of 5ht1 receptors well and the effect that ssris have on them

 

http://psychopharmacologyinstitute.com/antidepressants/ssris/mechanism-action-ssris/

 

I have also contacted dr shipko with the same theory

[Iggy131313]

I laos know a couple of epople who have tried inositol and it has worstened their symptoms

[Meimeiquest]

My sister who CT'd Prozac and her son who was recovering from steroid-induced psychosis were prescribed it and became very depressed. I'm not at all suggesting it, I just think the more we can understand "normal" and the effects of various chemicals the better we can manage this. I can't imagine what it would do to you.

[Iggy131313]

I have no intentions of finding out...

 

Im thinking out loud here but I wonder if poop out is when the 5ht1 receptors have been bombarded so much that they reach a huge desensitisation point and therefore the rest of the brain floods with serotonin (as i have explained above) that would be a feesable explaination of exactly what poop out is........

 

the only issue Im having is to why usually its after 5 months off the drugs that w/d kicks in.....i am therorising and I have asked some very scientific minds about it and will post my findings, but I would imagine its either....

 

1) 5ht1 receptors have upregulated (after being downregulated by the drug) and have returned in the desensitised state

 

OR (and this has always been my theory)

 

2) 5ht2/3 receptors have upregulated in a more sensitised state, or perhaps even in a normal state but flooded becasue of the desensitisation of 5ht1....you would think that if that was the case 5ht2 would downregulate due to too much serotonin

[Meimeiquest]

Did you ever get any genetic testing done? Your theories are a bit beyond my processing abilities. I need to think about them some time when I can focus better.

[Iggy131313]

yes i had the full genetic testing, i think its all a red herring tbh

[btdt]

Thnka sguys

 

yes he knows all about it and says hes not oging anywhere, sadly I have told him that its not upto hi, OR ME, i have no control over anything, I loved him, I was happy and Im heartbroken, but thats the keast of my worrys...

 

theres no doubt in my mind that this was a result of the ibuprophen, you only have to look at the timeline of events, and the fact that we know ibu interacts with ssris....

 

perhaps it will pass quiker than i think, thats not out of the question, but ive been here before...and i think from experience that im looking at months of hell, and most likely not getting bak to where I was before, as it was finding this man and falling in love that wiped alot of symptoms out, endorphins, which have always helped me....

 

i know endorphins help me as the following things relive my symptom

 

pain

sex

excitement

 

watching sports that matter

singing

 

i also knew that the glow of a new relationship wouldnt last, and the symptoms would return, but thats not what has happened here, im having so many head sensations right now, i can FEEL things happening in my brain, the brain has no feeling? HA! I have patches of heat, cold, prickling, not in my head, in my BRAIN..i can feel bad things happening, and this always happens when things are about to get worse..my head is also pounding, dont feel sick right now though, ill take what i can get

 

Whatever else is going on slowing things down now is important for your health.  What it takes to keep you and your son alive are the priorities and everything else has to wait... tell the man your sick with something and can't relate just now as much as you would like to you just can't but will get in touch when your able or tell him the absolute truth if you want but get it delt with so you don't worry about it. 

 

Every time your worried or panicked by what could be or could happen ect up goes the adrenaline more out of whack the system goes... is there anything in your tool box to bring this down a level.  I know and understand this catastrophe thinking I have lost many a day to it too... but I know it is counter productive. It really is things that will help if you can't sit still walk... if you can sit still bath relaxation I am sure you have some tools in your  box... color... play a video game. Whatever your tools are it is time to use them and circle the wagons.

 

A lot of reactions I have had lasted about 6 wks one bad one from a dental drug which was later thought to maybe be something else lasted longer but most in general lasted wks.  Not years... lessening as the wks went on.  I know this is not great but it is not years either.  Stay on your regular dose and maintain your balance as best you can.. that is the best hope in my opinion. I did not taper this is my opinion from what I have read since I did ct.  Hopefully your body will kick back in without too much fuss or time being lost.

 

I noticed you mentioned a dark room .. in a post above are lights or sounds bothering you... if they are dark quiet room is best for now. I would also suggest a cold pack for your eyes or neck.. I have found that helpful in the past.. also if your in that need dark and quiet state having your mother come to help with you son for a bit may be best.  

 

I hope it passes quickly .. well quickly in wd time.. I also wish you peace. 

 

Whatever skills you have learned to shut down a rowdy brain apply them now. 

peace

[btdt]

I looked this up but forgot to post it...

NAPQI - Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia

en.wikipedia.org/wiki/NAPQI

•  
•  

 

In adults, the primary metabolic pathway for paracetamol is glucuronidation. ... Liver reserves of glutathione are depleted by conjugation with this excess NAPQI.

[Iggy131313]

thankyou btdt for your suggestions and support

 

today I woke at 5am heaving anf retching, the nausea is completely new for me, and im unsure if its a w/d reaction to the ibuprophen messing with my dose or a prolonged reaction to the ibuprophen itself.....

 

last night my boyfriend came in at 7.30 i had got out of bed and put on a little makeup, my main symptoms were acute specyness like i was on a million uktra string drugs, my ears were whooshing, severe anxiety and spikes of akathisia

 

i needed to try and leave the house see if going somewhere could pull me out of it, as sometimes it can

 

I asked that we go and play ppool...oh boy, big mistake...I was kinda ok for maybe 30 mins but its very hard to describe, on the way he wanted to get a mcdonalds and even the THOUGHT of going there kicked off the aka i had to say no please, i cant...after 30 mins in the pool hall the aka kicked in hard, HARD....we went home and the waves of aka, panic, dread and overwhelm were so all consuming i had to immediatly go to bed, i writhed about in bed trying to find a way to comfort myself but could not....

 

i awoke at 5am BOOM, my heart pounding and racing, heaving and retching, got up, smoked, that made it even worse, my heart was pounding out of my chest...dont care about that, all i care about is the sensation, there are no words to describe them....

 

after an hour of once again writhing around in an agony of the soul i managed to get back to sleep, i woke at 9.30 when my boyfriend (i really should say ex) was getting ready for work, he tried to make conversation with me, as we always have, i had to tell him i am unable to speak....please dont speak,

 

when he left i slept again until 11am...im totally unable to get out of bed, not physically, but the symptoms and the overwhelm are all consuming, even getting out of bed makes the akathisia start..why, i dont know but ive known for sometime that when im very bad the slightlest of movements makes me worse

 

i had so many plans for easter, i had so many plans for my future, gone, dead..all becasue of a few ibuprophen, well, no, all becasue of citalopram, 3 years now, and im right back at the start...if this was a reaction to the ibu then i would have more hope that it wouldnt last too long, but its not, its the fact that its messed with my dose, and i KNOW that as ive made errors with my dose twice before and its the same symptoms...

 

god help me, and god help us all

 

and once again, thanks so much to the kind person who was cruel to me saying i would be fine in a few days and they have been severe for 6 months, HA! come talk to me when its been 3 years, that same person is going to job interveiws, makes me sick

[Iggy131313]

I am not allowed to post on other threads other than my own, but selmalady, i found that afrin is a 5ht1 agonist, it could well have been that you reached a total desensitisation of 5ht1 that morning and therefore the 5ht1 receptor is desensitised and flooding the brain with serotonin, just my theory

 

http://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pubmed/10766968

 

http://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pubmed/2839761

[SelmaLady]

I am not allowed to post on other threads other than my own, but selmalady, i found that afrin is a 5ht1 agonist, it could well have been that you reached a total desensitisation of 5ht1 that morning and therefore the 5ht1 receptor is desensitised and flooding the brain with serotonin, just my theory

 

http://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pubmed/10766968

 

http://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pubmed/2839761

Too scared to read now but thank you so much for researching this for me, Iggy.  And that makes COMPLETE sense.  If only I would've known that at the time, I would not have made the choices I did.  I totally agree that what is wrong with my brain is a total saturation of serotonin.  Geezzz, and the doc at the hospital put me a TCA!!!   All I can hope is that once I can get off the a/d's and give the brain time that it will find a way to subdue to the excess serotonin.  At this point I am at least akathisia free --- I know you understand what that means.

 

Iggy, I know that you are going to come out of this again.  Hang on, hon.  Your brain was showing that it has the capacity to recover from the shocks it has received.  I have no words to tell you how sorry I am that you are having to go through this again.  I am praying that you will once again find your way back to a life worth living.  You are a fighter and you will get back again. 

[NoMeaning25]

I dont post here anymore but for the sake of others who will freak out reading this: Iggy sorry to say but you are so dramatic you were recovered and just left everyone who was and still is suffering as if they didnt exist. After a few days you will be back to normal and you know this.

 

You get windows you can actually read and understand things, you can even smoke weed, go out, work and drink.

 

Most severe? Not even close. Your wave will end soon.

[justwanttobefree]

Thank you NoMeaning, couldn't have said it better myself. Iggy you say you're severe writhing in agony screaming but you can get out of bed, put on makeup, and go to a pool hall? That's how im able to work 5 hours a day. Sheer and utter will power. I am not going to put the full financial burden on my husband and I REFUSE to lay in my bed and have my family take care of me. At work I am shaking, sweating, throwing up, and functioning at MAYBE 20% if I'm lucky. However I don't need to explain myself to you. Don't ever mention me, bring me up, or think of me again. I don't want anything to do with you and I never should have written on your thread in the first place. My apologies. I recommend you get some heavy duty therapy to help you cope with the emotional dramatic victim mentality you have as it might benefit you in the future.

[Iggy131313]

bella, you are worng, i was NOT recovered, i was living on bborrowed time, during this time, i couldnt speak to people suffering, it brought on the symptoms, i had to protect myself.....smoking weed as always helped TREMENDOUSLY with my symptoms, probbaly becasue its a 5ht1 agonist

 

after a few days I will be back to normal? well as every other reaction I have had has left me bed ridden and in this state for MONTHS AND MONTHS.....i cant see that to be the case....look at others who have reacted to things or fucked up....matt samett now over 18 monthsinto his reaction...he had been healed for YEARS and he took that painkiller and is still sick, solida off here who took amoxicillian and now 8 months in is back to square one, after years and years

 

I cant work, I CAN read yes, and I can understand, but i can also suffer beyond words, as you know, drinking doesnt seem to effect me, smoking weed helps in the short term, no doubt but its not helping in this severe state and might be making it worse, but when im more stable as Ive said it makes things SO much better, no doubt from the fact that it reduces serotonin in the brain and also increases dopamine.

 

From every account I have read and everyone I have spoekn to (and I belive you and I hold the record on this one, even Paul said someone had contacted him and I knew it would be you my darling) yes, the most severe cases I have come accross are mike, me and paul...Gia K had a terrible time but with different symptoms...

 

we used to be friends, dont be cross with me for suffering again

[Iggy131313]

jwtbf....again this is not fair, no one can know how severe another person is, yes, i tried to play pool, i did it to see if it could pull me out or distract me, it didnt and i came screaming home to bed, i was trying desperatly to continue the life i had started to live again.....im sorry if i offended you, but i, in turn was offended, i havent done anything wrong here...im in a severe setback and have come to the ONLY place where I can talk about it....but so many people seem to think im being dramatic or blowing things out of proportion

 

i couldnt work one day for 5 hours, not a chance, not even if my sons life depended on it, but im far more kindled than most...i suspect im kindled at LEAST 20 times over, you are kindled only once, unless you took your drug in a haphazard way? did you leave it for days and then take it again when you rememered? thats what I did and thats why its so strong for me, add to that the adverse reaction..have some pity, please

[NoMeaning25]

Iggy. We used to be friends. But then you got better and stopped supporting those who are still suffering.

 

I am close to 3 years. I havent had a single window. I am in the exact same place i was when we met in 2012. No windows. No improvements except the depression.

 

Im not here to compare who is worse.You know ive seen what youve seen. And i can tell you now this will pass very soon for you and youll be fine like just a few weeks before.

 

Be greatful for what you have. You have more than most could hope for and you have so much to be thankful for

[Iggy131313]

I hope to GOD your right Bella, but it doesnt feel like it, it really doesnt....someone said to me a few days ago, that I would be fine in a few days, and on the contrary I have gotten worse every day....I have lost 14 pounds in weight this week alone, I cant eat, but again, im not even complaining about that, thats the least of my worries, the return of a billion severe smptoms is what is the problem....

 

look back to 2013 on IAWP in May, when I last made a mistake with my dose, which is what has happened now......see how I was, do you remember? thats what happens when I mess with the dosing, i *might* not be as severe as then, but theres time and as Im worstening everyday it seems im heading back there

 

Ive just gotten off the phone to my mum, I was SCREAMING and WAILING...all the usual ''HOW COULD THEY DO THIS TO ME, THEY HAVE TAKEN MY LIFE, TAKEN ME FROM MY BABY, I WANT TO DIE, PLEASE HELP ME DIE, PLEASE HELP ME DIE''

 

She is looking at flights....my boyfriend isnt taking his dumping, he seems to think im gonna be fine, even though this morning my answer to everything he said was ''I cant talk, i need to die, please, pleease''

 

hes here now asleep on the sofa,

 

its 7pm and so far the bg akathisia hast hit, but im sat on the laptop, that can keep it at bay, and more than that I had a glass of wine last night in an attempt to make the akathisia better...it didnt work, but like valium, when I drink some it seems to keep the akathisia slightly in bay the day after, but with a benzo I have an adverse reaction to them, but dont with alcohol, I dont know why, perhaps becasue benzos are metabolised through the same pathway as ssris??? I dont know if thats true, but theres something in the back of my mind thats saying thats right

[Iggy131313]

Selma, Im very pleased your akathisia is at bay...how long has it been gone? you know tanya had pgad for a long time that resolved? I remember talking to you about this on facebook a year ago or more, im so sorry your now experiencing it on and off....I belive it will go

[Tilly]

Hi Iggy,

 

I haven't commented on your thread before, but I do know you pretty well from another forum.

 

I perceive that you have a lot of intellectual capacity and skills to facilitate your recovery. Not to mention the support of a mother and partner and a relationship with your son. A lot of people here are not as fortunate. 

 

Many people here have had their lives disrupted for years through the use of SSRI medication, decades in some cases causing them to lose their relationships, families, careers, homes and most importantly, sense of self and self worth.

 

No one denies the struggles that you go through. I believe that friction arises from how you compete against others for top trumps in the severity stakes of withdrawal. I struggle to understand this. I have been severely disabled by almost 15 years of medication causing agoraphobia and many losses. I cannot even access a GP to replenish my prescription right now, but I am focusing on the resilience that I am cultivating in this process and advocating for my own rights more and more each day. Pole position in the withdrawal stakes is not something that I will ever strive for. 

 

We are all on different journeys. Comparing journeys or pain levels is helpful to no one.

 

As for validation. Your experiences do not need to be validated externally. Each of our experiences are validation enough of the unnecessary suffering that we have been subjected to and the ongoing ramifications to our lives.

 

However, in this forum, you and we all have available to us a wonderful support network and database of resources. Please, do not alienate yourself from the wonderful community that you have available to you and has been of great support to you. You have done this in the past and seem to be repeating self destructive behaviours.

 

You are very knowledgeable. Put your knowledge to good use for the benefit of yourself and others. So, you had a reaction to ibuprofen. Now that you understand this, you know to rule out further use to avoid a similar crisis in the future. This can be viewed as empowering knowledge to benefit your health and further your recovery.

 

Try to see your glass as half full as opposed to half empty. You have a lot to be thankful for. Negative, catastrophic thinking has a huge impact on recovery. So does how you see yourself. Why would you ask for pity from JWTBF? Empathy is very different to pity and suggests a self imposed victim status. You are no longer a victim now that you have the knowledge and resources to empower yourself and take charge of your healing. The choice of assuming empowered self healer or victim is yours to make. 

 

You are a young woman with your life ahead of you. No life is without pain. But all pain can contribute to a transformation for the better. Life changing experiences do not always have to have negative outcomes.

 

I hope that my feedback is received in the spirit in which it was given and you are able to reflect on the support that you receive here to find the best way forward for you.

 

I wish you the best in your healing.

 

Tilly

[Iggy131313]

Hi Tilly, thanks for your message......give me a clue? I cant regonise you from your drug history, which is unlike me lol

 

I hear you x

[Iggy131313]

rachelina?

[Altostrata]

Please, folks, if you feel you must criticize Iggy, skip responding to this topic and leave it to her supporters.

[Rachelina]

Ha ha, nope, not me. Just happened to pop in and see this. I don't think I've ever actually said anything to you before but I've always followed your story because I have a little one too and god, how heartbreaking what they have to see us go through. Sending you prayers and healing wishes.

[btdt]

I don't compare generally and I have no stomach for politics.  I hope your well soon.  That is about all I have to say as I am too unwell to go there. Once you get past this bump in the road be very careful what you put in your body. I have stupidly hurt myself time and again... so wish you to have a better time than I have. 

I wish you all peace

[Songbird]

Hey Iggy, sorry to hear of your setback.  It is only a setback and you will come out of this.  The dramatics people refer to are only you giving voice to your worst fears and I think many of us have had similar.  I think we should all be free to voice them here, but try not to let the fear and catastrophic thinking rule you completely.  See if you can stand back in your mind and observe the thoughts and fears from a little distance, this removes a lot of their power.  You could try some positive self-talk, repeating some positive statements to yourself over and over.  Even if you feel like you don't believe them, it can help to drown out some of the negative thoughts.  Perhaps have a rethink about dumping the boyfriend, if he's sticking with you through this, he sounds like a keeper to me.  Sending you hugs and healing thoughts.

[Tilly]

Hi Tilly, thanks for your message......give me a clue? I cant regonise you from your drug history, which is unlike me lol

 

I hear you x

Iggy,

 

I'm so happy that you have taken my feedback constructively and with the intention in which it was given. I am here to find healing too and to offer what support I can to you and so many other fellow sufferers. We need each other to bridge the gap between SSRI use and healing to find our real selves.

 

My ID is not as important as the support I offer. I have changed so much in the years that I have known you. I feel like a different person and have no wish to revert to the (SSRI) drugged up me or any associated online or real life identity associated with that period. I hope that you can understand this.

 

I wish you the very best in your healing journey and will offer a non judgemental, honest listening ear whenever needed.

 

I wish you the best of everything.

 

Tilly x

[Iggy131313]

wow thanks alto, i thought i was gonna get in trouble, i know i annoy people i dont mean to, to be honest, if people want to give me a hard time thats upto them...I have always been honest and true, im an open book

 

last night i was feeling stronger and once again went to play pool, i felt somewhat better, as can often happen and managed to let go some...around 11pm i ate something (a piece of chicken) and the akathisia kik=cked in strong...i used every positive self talk  i have

 

of coursei have woken up this morning bad, shaking uncontrolably, severe terror running through my body, severe nausea, and terrible fear about what my future might bring

 

rying to tell myself right now that first thing in the morning can be a bad time and i will feel a little better soon, Ive noticed also (as I often do during more severe times) that smoking cigs is revving me up, every cig makes the symptoms stronger,and yet, i cant seem to stop....

 

yesterday my ex husband came and picked up all the easter eggs and treats for my baby that I have been planning, today was going to be such a great day, I booked a man dressed as spiderman to come and deliver eggs, I was going to cook a big meal and it was going to be a day of family and love...as it is, i have no idea wat the day will bring for me, im just praying and crying out to god that each day i remain on this stable dose the sypptoms will settle down a little

 

smoking weed is not helping, in fact, its making it worse, which is depressing for many reasons....yes you may all think im foolish to have started, but as it gave me such wonderful relief, allowed me to be a mother, to function at a high level, gave me back my life, even though I knew it could turn on me (I tried not to smoke it every day, be more sporidic so as not to have my brain addapt to it which is why I think i reacted last time) but I also know that roughtly 4 weeks after I stop smoking weed I get a severe SEVERE wave, mainly akathisia......if i had access to my journal on PP then I would know how long that lasted, i think it was 2 months last time I stopped weed on the 1st april, and the reaction hit 1st may, and lasted until around the end of june, yes so 2 months of severe aka,,,,i know that the same is gonnahappen again, ironically at the exact same time as 2 years ago....around the start of may im gonna get wiped out with severe aka, its gonna be 24/7 and im gonna be writhing in agony for at least 2 months....

 

the ONLY hope i have on that is that it wasnt the weed that hit me so hard that may but a continued reaction to missing a dose...either way I guess its coming as I have done both things....

 

the sickness is new for sure, I may have had the odd day of nausea, but never this strong, constant or urgent, nor longlasting, I have had 24/7 severe nausea for 10 days now, no wonder I have lost 14 pounds in weight

[Iggy131313]

actually, I have no idea how long the aka wave will last.......that few months was full of errors, im just laying it out for my benefit, not expecting anyone to respond

 

March 2013 - smoking weed, best month I had had by far

April 1st - miss a dose of 0.72 - the next day go into SEVERE SEVERE hell...bedridden for 3 weeks scraeming, self harming, family trys to have me sectioned

end of april the crisis settles down somewhat and am functioning at  a very low level with severe suffering

 

May 1st - akathisia comes back hard

end of may decide to taper as im blaming the dose on the akathisia coming back so hard...my taper history is on here somehwer during that time, but in may i think i taper quite hard for someone so sensitive

 

june 1st - ultra severe severe reactio to the taper 4 days after the drop (classic time for the new level to reach the system) immediate updose, makes no diference, this was possibly the worst time i have ever had

 

the whole of june was icredibly severe with different synptoms, HUNDREDS of symptoms, including akathisia

 

July 1st - reaction starts to calm down, feeling some better but the develop PGAD (the day after I read about it, hadnt had it at all before I read about it, but the symptoms were physical and real, weird)

 

then I **** up through july by taking fish oils at the end which results in severe akathisia, not knowing the fish oils free up serotonin, i continue with them until Im advised to stop...but it will be another 2 years until I ind articles describing the effect fish oil has on serotnin

 

so its hard to predict how I will react to the weed stopping

 

LAST TIME I had a weed reaction, was this time last year...EVERY YEAR

 

I started smoking weed on the 15th feb and went into a severe wave on the 20th march (this is crazy really as this time I have been smoking it on and off for 4 MONTHS!) and im not recating to it, I always know instinctivly what is an issue, weed is not the cause of this, also the symptoms are not the ones I get from a weed reaction, bear in mind I was ok on the wednesday, took 6 ibuprophen, and woke o thrsday in hell

 

i didnt really ever getg over that reaction

 

the akathsia kicked in hard at the end of march, all of april, all of may, in june it began to turn on and off to severe etrror (which is a step down from the aka) it was alternating between terror and aka, same for july......my husband left in august whih interupted the symptoms, as for me, severe stress always stops the aka.....i imagne becasue ortisol interups noradrenaline and allows dopaine to build some....which is why like right now my symptoms are severe, but not aka, i think the cortisol stops it (thats not the case when in an akathisia state though, its 24/7)

 

from then I got the new bottle in the september which messed me up...you know looking at this,when i say it all like this im making constant mistakes...im gonna wrote them down...from the month of the adverse reaction

 

July 2012 - it happened - BED RIDDEN, 100% SEVERTY CANNOT LEAVE BED, HOUSE, CANT SPEAK, NOTHING

Aug - same

Sep - same

Oc - same

Nov - same

Dec - same

Jan 2013 - same

Feb  - last 2 weeks feel a little better in evening

March - much better, leaving the house on occasion, but smoking weed

 

heres where the constant set backs start, ill put them in capitols for my own ease of refferal

 

April - reaction to MISSED DOSE

may - upregulation due to weed - TAPER TOO MUCH TOO FAST

june - reaction to the taper

July - doing better but...START FISH OILS

Aug - unbeliveable reaction to FISH OILS

sep - slow and painful recovery from the fish oils

Oct - smoke weed for a week, stop, no ill effects

Nov - HUGE WAVE (this one i didnt understand at the time, later i blamed the stopping weed as it was 4 weeks later, but the wave was different, I think this one was due to holding my dose for 5 months, I hadnt ever held since starting my taper...right from 20mg and i have seen many have a wave at 5 months, i feel there was some upregulation and thats what caused the wave(in fact, I would advise, and its what ill do myself that when severely sensitive to hold for 6 months after EACH drop, if you have no reaction to a 5 month hold then try making 2 drops and holding for 6 months))

Dec - very severe but trying

Jan - 2014 - oming slowly out of severity

Feb - much better, but SMOKING WEED

March - best ive been still smoking weed until it turns on me

April - WEED REACTION

May - WEED REACTION

JuNE - WEED REACTION

July WEED REACTION but now terror

Aug - husband leaves

Sep - NEW BOTTLE SEVERE ADVERSE REACTION

Oct - still severe....meet boyfriend.....find that the excitement/endorphins knocks out symptoms

 

NOV - Much better, becasue of endorphins/boyfriend

DEC - same, start smoking weed, become able to look after my son, parents go back home to spain,

 

Jan - living a normal lfe apart from the odd days of severe aka here and there, smoking weed

Feb - same, smoking weed

March - same, smoking weed

 

April - take ibuprophen...it messes with my dose

 

so looking at this, I spend most of my time trying to get over reactions to things, jesus

[btdt]

I am not a genius but it looks like there are some things you do that could be avoided that do present issues to your healing ... just me being a stickler but I would not way attempt to do anything that would upset the apple cart... no drugs.. I say it all the time ... now I am reacting to prednisone.. it is different I am not sure why your smoking pot but I am sure it is not so that you can breath. 

 

Maybe I am just jealous I don't know could be... but nope that is not it... this is it.  

To get yourself better on a long term consistent basis to get some ground under your feet you can count on you have to stop playing with your brain... you just can't do it.... no more drugs of distraction.  

 

It is not just the drugs... I am jealous about but other things a bf... could be I am jealous of that too... or it just doesn't make any sense to me ... if I have no energy ...balance ... stability... to look after my own stuff and my childs the last thing on my mind is a bf... way way way way way down the list that is the cherry on top of the desert and I am to this day still working on peeling and cooking potatoes ... so ya jealous likely.  Or it just doesn't make sense to me that the first bit of free self you get is wasted on a bf... when so much else needs to be done... 

Don't get me wrong it may be the type of personality you have does well with such things and it ads something you need to your life... for me it would not be I already know that so it is hard for me to understand. 

 

Bf are for me a cherry not the meat and potatoes I need on the plate to get a child and self functional and happy.  They often have been more of a distraction than they are worth... in any respect.  Again just me.  Cause of my own personal struggles of raising a kid alone while dealing with drug wd and other crap I find it hard to identify with you... on this at least.  I think that is in part why your getting flack here... some of us don't get it... and as long as you keep throwing wrenches into the mix like pot .............. that stability you need for not just you but your childs life will be illusive. 

 

I am not saying if you hold everything perfectly in line it will be an easy go... it won't you will still have windows and waves it will still be a bad time...  it is your best chance to recover fully ...  if you keep throwing wrenches in your undermining yourself ... and I will add your kid.. cause what falls on your falls on the child. 

 

I know that the drugs affect our thinking and it could be that your affected that way ...which causes some choices to be questionable... I made some very questionable choices while drugged too...not everybody has this effect with drugs... they still think ok.. but me ... depending on the drug... I went out to lunch... ssri seemed ok but effexor forget about it ... out to lunch... made a lot of bad choices. Thankfully I was only on ssri when my child was young if I had been on E .. a different story would be presented here by me for sure. 

So for now I will give you the benefit of the doubt...we can say don't judge all we want but everyone does it all the time and we all know it so lets just call a spade a spade and get on with the day.

 

I did not even notice I was making bad choices till I was long off the effexor... and I hope your not mad at me for suggesting it as one who has been there thought it was worth saying.  

 

I wish you peace