NoMeaning25: I wont give up hope

[NoMeaning25]

I started Citalopram 20mg in January 2008 for anxiety and depression. It didnt work well so doctor updosed me to 40mg. After a month of sides i went back to 20mg. She changed me to different generics. I didnt have withdrawal or side effects on the different generics. In October 2010 a new doctor switched me to 20mg Paxil generic. In November 2011 I went onto original paxil 20mg, i had a panic attack in my sleep, but the next day i was fone. I felt really happy and everything was good. April 2012 I decided to go off paxil. I halved the dose to 10mg for 3 weeks, the next 3 weeks I skipped alternative days untill I stopped completely mid May 2012. I had the usual withdrawal symptoms, then I felt good. In July 2012 I had a breakdown. I got new symptoms and went to see the doctor. He advised I go on prozac. I started on 20mg for 4 days. I stopped on the 4th day because of start-up effects like anxiety and sedation. Doctor said ok fine, lets put you on a small dose of Cymbalta 30mg. 1st day the same as Prozac, second day all hell broke loose. Had a severe adverse reaction to the cymbalta. I had dearelization, head felt funny as if no blood was flowing to my brain, nlood pressure was low I felt like death. I found another site and they advised i go back on paxil and get stable. A week after the cymbalta incident i went back on paxil but started out on 5mg. I took it for 18 days and then stopped as it didnt work and made me confused and sedated.

 

Now, 3 months med free I am suffering badly. My anxiety, dizziness and head symptoms are a bit better but now i am really suffering from extremely severe derealization and depersonalization. I mean extreme 24/7 and I am so so scared I messed up too badly to recover I dont think im going to recover. I am 23 years old btw. I have brain fog, dizziness, extreme fatiugue, DP/DR, apathy, anhedonia, tremors. I have lost all hope....

[NoMeaning25]

Alto, please tell me, am I doomed forever? Have you seen people recover from a mess like mine? I only took meds for 4 years, had a reaction, Im 23 years old. Please am I stuck like this?

[Narcissus]

I can't comment on all of the particulars of your case, but it seems very unlikely that you are "stuck" where you are now. The anxiety tends to make us think that, but it is hardly ever true. You're also young, and this seems to be an advantage in terms of recovery. Have the effects lasted all throughout the three months or did they start recently? Do they come and go in some sort of pattern, or are they constant?

[NoMeaning25]

It was all managable untill about 2 months ago when I crashed completely. My symptoms do change in severety like hourly, I do not have much anxiety, maybe like once a week now. The only symptom that doesnt change is the severe DP/DR its constant 24/7. I hope it really goes away I cant imagine living like this forever or for years on end...

[Narcissus]

So let me get this straight, in the past six months you stopped a drug you were on for two years and then went on and off two brand new drugs? That seems like quite a lot of strain on the nervous system in a relatively short amount of time. I suspect that you've probably destabilized your nervous system and that it will take some time to recover. This is the situation most of us here are in, we're just at different stages in our recovery. Sounds like you're at the earliest and most hellish part of the process. The important thing is to remind yourself that it is temporary, and that things WILL get better. But getting better will require that you stop tinkering around with new (and old) drugs. There are no quick fixes for this sort of thing, only time. Someone please correct me if I've said anything inaccurate, I'm still new around here. As for whether or not you should reinstate, I'll wait for someone more knowledgeable to come around and address that. But remember, it's temporary!

[NoMeaning25]

No, i was on meds for 4 years without interuptions. Since 02/2008 to 04/2012 I switched to paxil in 2010. I was in withdrawal when i tried other drugs and in return had an advese reaction. I tried to reinstate, but it didnt work. So basically now i am completely drug free and I do NOT want to go back on any drugs. The only pill I take is a low dose birth control. I dont take vitamins or anything. I am 3 months med free and 6 months since cold turkey.

Its extremely hard. I am still working full time trough this HELL. Dont know how I am doing it, But i am....

[Altostrata]

Welcome, Medfree.

 

Thanks, pgd, for the excellent advice you gave Medfree.

 

Medfree, as I read your history, it seems your problems started when you went off Paxil in that irregular way. Gradually, all the meds and going on and off them made it worse. But you know all that.

 

So your situation is similar to someone who tapered Paxil too fast.

 

You will recover, but it will take time and patience. There are a few things you can do that might help. Are you taking fish oil and magnesium?

[Nikki]

You poor girl. I though the same thing as Alto. Paxil WD symptoms. Did you try to reinstate on the Paxil and it didn't work or was it one of the other meds. Sadly, there is WD from all of them.

 

You aren't doomed although it feels that way. Believe me, I understand, we all do.

 

Is it possible to try and reinstate the Paxil again. Could it be that 18 days was too short a time. I am not sure.

 

I know a few people who had severe trouble from Paxil WD and went on Lexapro (myself included) and it helped a great deal. Same family of meds.

 

Also from my own experience....while at the end of a Lexapro taper I went on Imipramine to lessen the effects and that worked too.

 

I don't want to sound like a drug-pusher and I certainly would not want to give you bad advise. I can only tell you of my own experience and a few others who took the routes I did.

 

If you want to read about drugs go to crazymeds.com and you can see about their effects and there are blogs there from people like us who took meds and got off of them.

 

Hopefully more members will come along shortly to help you out.

 

Hang in there.

[Altostrata]

Medfree, I went off Paxil too fast, too.

 

The DP/DR was very distressing, but it did gradually go away completely.

 

I'm probably quite a bit older than you, you can expect to heal faster.

 

Be patient, try not to worry, take care of yourself and you will recover.

[NoMeaning25]

I must add that when I went off paxil in May, my friend gave me a cookie and there was weed in it. I never knew. It did make me anxious and a bit derealized, after a month i had a panic attack at work as one of my clients shouted at me.

 

Even if I took the weed cookie, stopped the paxil and had an adverse reaction, do you believe my DP/DR will still go away?

Im scared it wont. Please promise me it goes away for everyone :'(

 

I dont drink or smoke or use any drugs and never have in my life, except that cookie. I feel like my life is over

I cannot live like this forever in this fog. What if it doesnt go away? Oh no :'( Im so scared

[Altostrata]

Yes, it will go away.

 

You need to work on helping your nervous system rebuild. You can do this by focusing on healing rather than fear.

 

For example, take a nice walk every day, in a nice place. If you have a camera, take photos of things that please you, even a little: Trees, dogs, smiles.

 

Then, when you feel scared, look at the nice things you saw that day. Keep a collection of these photos.

 

Do you like pets? Do you have one? If you like animals, spend more time with them. Petting them is soothing. Such things help your nervous system to heal.

[annej]

Hi Medfree,

 

Please purchase a copy of the DP Manual by Shaun O Connor. This man suffered massively from DP/DR and found ways to get through it and recovery 100%. I think it will help you immensely. DP Manual. Money well spent. It is delivered electronically as a pdf and an MP3.

 

Hang in there. DP is distressing, but not dangerous and you can learn ways to lessen your distress until you are recovered. Hugs, Annej

[NoMeaning25]

Thanks everyone. Yes I love pets I have 8 Chihuahuas I Breed and Exhibit them.

 

I have a question. I am on a low dose Birth Control Pill. Can that affect my recovery? Should I stop it or is it ok to be on it?

 

I hate feeling like this. Does everyone recover and why does it take some people so long to recover?

Im scared I take years and years to feel better. I cant live like this anymore, how am I going to hold

on for years? I simply just cant I dont know what to do seriously What are my odds of recovery?

Has anyone seen a young person like me (Turning 24 soon) Still in withdrawal 8 years later?

 

Please be honest

[Altostrata]

If you don't have other problems with it, stay on your birth control pill, your body is used to it.

 

Your withdrawal symptoms will fade over time. Believe in your recovery and take care of yourself to help it to happen.

[Nadia]

Re. the birth control pill... I quit birth control about the same time as I first took antidepressants, and I think that may have been one of the things that helped me! Every attempt to take birth control since then ended up with me feeling incredibly depressed and moody, to the point of feeling suicidal.

 

How long have you taken the pill? I suspect some cases of depression in women who take the pill may be due to sensitivity to hormones. In my case, it's the progestin that messes me up. Alto is right that your body may be used to it, but maybe going off might help. On the other hand, it might just be another stresor to make a change now.

[NoMeaning25]

I stopped my birth control in August, thats when al hell broke loose again so im scared to stop or change it again.

 

Alto, are you the same Altostrata that posted on the other site a long time ago?

 

I feel so hopeless. I see so many people far out with lots of symptoms suffering and I am so scared thats going to

be me. Im scared I ill never recover. Thats impossible right? Does everyone recover even if they are very far out?

I seriously need hope right now...

[dalsaan]

I believe everyone has the capacity to recover. It may take time and committment (to do everything that supports healing) but it will happen

 

One of the key things is not to stress yourself right out by catastophizing and constructing your current experience as your fate

[Altostrata]

Yep, I'm the same Altostrata.

[starlitegirlx]

I'm so sorry you're going through this. Some of your symptoms sound exactly like mine. At three months out, I was a mess. I'm five months out now and while I still have symptoms and even horrible rough patches (generally hormonal it seems - triggered by hormones), there has been improvement. For some of us, like me, it's very slow. It's like we have to make peace with it and accept that it is what it is and do whatever we can to not focus on it, which is almost impossible at times, but for me, it's the only thing that works.

 

My doc whom I saw just last week said that what we got through is only about 1% of the population. I tend to believe it (that it's a low percent though probably more like 5-10% otherwise there would be major class action suits showing up all over). Something about us is unique enough so that the meds caused changes that are slow to hear or repair. He said it's rare for people to not fully recover or recover mostly (perhaps with some minor stuff but not horrible stuff). Hopefully no person here in this forum falls into that rare category.

 

Try to do whatever you can to make yourself comfortable and keep yourself distracted from the hell you're going through. It's hard, I know. But it can make a huge difference in how bad this experience and maybe even the withdrawal is.

 

I hope you start feeling better soon.

[Iggy131313]

I dont belive for one second that its only 1% of the population, you go on any forum (anxiety and depression) and you see the same old story time and time again, oh I came off the meds but then a few months later my anxiety/depression came back really bad and I had to start them again, people going back on the meds or going on different meds,, all because of w/d but THEY dont know its w/d because they trsut the drs who also dont know its w/d because they know nothing about it.

 

I would be willing to bet that at least 50% of people on mental wards at the moment are there as a result of the medications they have taken. Its just that most people because they are put on these meds for anxiety or depression believe themselves that these symptoms they are getting are a return of there condition whereas in fact, in alot of cases it will be w/d.

 

I would also bet that plenty of people commit suicide so we dont hear their stories as often.

 

It makes me so angry, its only those of us who were put on these meds for a physical condition who really notice that something is not right, and also people who try to get back on the meds and have an adverse reaction. I should think it would be closer to 50% of people on ssris will have a bad w/d its just that alot will go on the meds merry go round simply because they dont know about w/d just as I didnt.

[Altostrata]

Prolonged withdrawal syndrome is probably more common, but it's misdiagnosed all the time. Often people don't recognize they have it, and take one medication after another to deal with the symptoms. We have many stories like that on this site.

[starlitegirlx]

I dont belive for one second that its only 1% of the population, you go on any forum (anxiety and depression) and you see the same old story time and time again, oh I came off the meds but then a few months later my anxiety/depression came back really bad and I had to start them again, people going back on the meds or going on different meds,, all because of w/d but THEY dont know its w/d because they trsut the drs who also dont know its w/d because they know nothing about it.

 

I would be willing to bet that at least 50% of people on mental wards at the moment are there as a result of the medications they have taken. Its just that most people because they are put on these meds for anxiety or depression believe themselves that these symptoms they are getting are a return of there condition whereas in fact, in alot of cases it will be w/d.

 

I would also bet that plenty of people commit suicide so we dont hear their stories as often.

 

It makes me so angry, its only those of us who were put on these meds for a physical condition who really notice that something is not right, and also people who try to get back on the meds and have an adverse reaction. I should think it would be closer to 50% of people on ssris will have a bad w/d its just that alot will go on the meds merry go round simply because they dont know about w/d just as I didnt.

 

You're probably right. I'm trying to not think about it because then rage about all of it sets in and I've got a lot to contend with already. Thinking about how doctors are in complete denial and brainwashed that these drugs help will do that to me. I blame big pharma. I think the docs are just stooges. They don't realize that like you said people stay on meds because of the withdrawal that happens when they go off. My doc basically said that most people just stay on them for life. How screwed up is that?

 

The whole thing is a nightmare. Sadly, the only people who really know the truth are people like us. Try telling it to the majority who has now been brainwashed to believe that drugs are good for people with mental health issues (and even physical issues as they're not finding ways to use them for that too) is akin to being a heretic. Like this form of modern medicine is so sympathetic to what we live with when really it's all about the money. We've moved from one form of dark ages with regards to treatment of mental health issues to another form of dark ages.

[Altostrata]

Welcome to my world.

 

Now, back to Medfree -- how are you doing?

[NoMeaning25]

Doing so bad, I dont even want to talk about it. Im too exhausted, mentally and physically

I doubt this suffering will ever end...

[Rhiannon]

Doing so bad, I dont even want to talk about it. Im too exhausted, mentally and physically

I doubt this suffering will ever end...

 

HUGS...my heart is with you.

 

It will end. That doesn't make it any easier while it's happening, I know.

 

I have a daughter your age who has had a hard time with mood changes on bcps, although it varies depending on the brand. Regardless probably right now is not a good time to be experimenting with making any big changes like that. Changing your pills isn't going to make withdrawal go away. Only time will do that.

 

Courage...

[aza]

Doing so bad, I dont even want to talk about it. Im too exhausted, mentally and physically

I doubt this suffering will ever end...

 

Hi Medfree,

 

How are you feeling better I hope. I keep myself busy reading forums and searching the internet for new information regarding these med's seeking out diffrent perspectives. I find other then improving my diet and going our for walks 3 or 4 times a day the thing that seemed to help me the most was staying busy. Keep reading other peoples stories similar to your's you may find a connection that is heartfelt and timely I think keeping your mind busy is important.

 

I know for me reading the stories from people who were having similar experiences to mine was a god send, I found hope where I thought there was none to be had.

 

I have found mentally stimulating games help.

 

Keep up the good fight and know that we are here for you, check back once in a while and let us know how you are doing.

 

god bless you

 

Fortitude.

[NoMeaning25]

Hello everyone. Its been 14 months now and i must admit i havent really seen much improvements. I know it takes a while for people to improve but 14 months with barely any improvements?? I only took the drug for 4 years. I dont know what to say anyomre, i dont feel like talking about withdrawal anymore and try everything i can not to think about it. I feel extremely traumatized by the experience and what i have been trough the last 18 months of my life.

 

I really trully believed i would feel atleast a tiny bit better by now, but i am unfortunately not. Still sufferning severe DR/DP, anhedonia etc etc etc. Maybe one day i will get to feel like a human being again. 

 

One positive is that i dont have this endless fear and terror i once used to have. My major depressive spells have gotten less and less, but now i am left with what seems like chronic low depression and no motivation what so ever. I hope this isnt permanent. I really do hope things will improve for me too. But 14 months is really long to suffer constantly...

 

I am dealing with alot in my personal life too and all is becoming too much for me. Please keep me in your prayers. I am turning 25 soon. I started my journey when i just turned 23. 

 

PS: ALTO, PLEASE DEACTIVATE MY ACCOUNT. I asked this a year ago and thought my account was deleted. It is not, so please deactivate my account. Thank you

[NoMeaning25]

Looking at my signature, i dont have tremors anymore, my head pressure is much better and my tinnitus comes and goes, so i guess some improvement in something..

[Petunia]

Hi Medfree,

Thank you so much for posting an update, its very helpful to everyone to read about the experiences others are having while trying to come off this medication.  Its especially helpful to read about recovery and improvements when someone has a similar set of circumstances.

 

I just read through your thread and you have had significant improvement over 14 months, most of your original symptoms have gone or are diminished.  I know that 14 months is a long time to be suffering, especially when we were never told this was going to be a possibility and were not given a choice.  But on these forums, 14 months is not an unusual amount of time for people to be having problems.

 

I've been having severe problems since November 2011, I'm starting to recover now, with the help of this site, but I still have significant symptoms, including DR/DP and anhedonia, like you.

 

I'm so sorry you have had to go through this at such a young age, but it seems that you really are over the worst of it now and will recover, given a bit more time.

 

In your first post, you mentioned that you started on Citalopram for anxiety and depression.  If you don't mind sharing, was there something which caused this, or have you always had anxiety and depression?

 

I had problems with anxiety from when I was very young, but I never experienced depression until after I started on antidepressant medication. 

 

I hope your personal life gets better, I said a prayer, like you asked.

 

Petu.

 

 

[NoMeaning25]

Thank you for your response, but i am definately not over the worst. I havent had any real improvements, only tiny ones. Maybe if my DR/DP would go away i would feel more recovered, but every day is still hell.

 

I have had anxiety and depression since i can remember but it never ever gave me a poor quality of life. I never had anything like this before. The anxiety and depression i experienced was very mild compared to what i am still dealing with. I didnt see my anxiety and depression as a problem.

 

If the DR/DP and fog would go away i would be very very happy. But it doesnt seem to want to even fade a little. It is definately making me worry.

[Altostrata]

medfree, sometimes improvement is very slow. It does sound like you are going in the right direction.

 

As for deactivating your account, I don't recall that we came to a decision. Please see http://survivingantidepressants.org/index.php?/topic/246-how-to-use-this-site-questions-and-answers/?p=63344

 

Good healing to you.

[NoMeaning25]

Thanks Alto.

 

 

If i knew i couldnt delete my account, i would NEVER have joined. This is very unfair.

[Altostrata]

It looks like I deactivated all your notifications based on our earlier exchange. I'm sorry, the software does not allow members to delete their accounts.

[NoMeaning25]

Hi everyone. I need help. I have been seriously abused for 12 months straight and i am wondering if that might be the reason i am not recovering. I am an emotional wreck. My boyfriend has been abusing me emotionally almost every single day and i dont know what to do anymore.

 

Can i still heal from all of this? It seems like im too damaged to heal :'(

 

Please if anyone can give me advise, i would appreciate it very much. I am very scared to leave my boyfriend but also scared to stay with him as the abuse is getting worse by the day. I dont have any friends or anyone who i can turn to, i only have my mother but my boyfriend ruined my relationship with her, so i am all alone :'(

 

Should i seek therapy and how would i know if the therapist is a good one or not?

[Gem]

Dear Medfree

 

I am so, so sorry that you have been going through all this on top of withdrawal. You just do not deserve any if it. This person's actions and behaviour are just totally unacceptable and abhorrent.

 

I personally believe you can heal from this. The brain and body have an amazing capacity for healing. I was in some terrible, indescribable states in my early withdrawal and have seen massive amounts of healing.

 

Remember that you are a strong person to be getting through withdrawal, even if you don't always feel as though you are.

 

These are only suggestions and may not be for you but you could think about contacting charities & shelters that offer advice and protection for women in abusive situations. Some have helplines. You might find a place where you can rebuild your relationship with your mother away from this person's influence.

 

I ' m not sure which part if the world you are in, but there is 'Refuge' in the UK. They have a 24 helpline. They define emotional abuse as domestic violence.

http://refuge.org.uk/

 

I also found this website for the US:

 

http://www.womenshelters.org/

 

It looks like they provide nationwide listings for different organisations & some have helplines.

 

Take care, Gem xxx

[mammaP]

I believe you should get out of there as soon as it is physically possible and don't look back.

I know that isn't always easy, it can be a nightmare, but so is staying put. 

NO-ONE should have to live with abuse, and being alone has to be better than that. 

Gems has given you links to some good sites in the UK, I hope that wherever you are

you can find similar places to help.  

 

I don't know how your relationship with your mum was damaged but she will know that it was

him behind it and my guess is that she will be there for you when it is over.

Stress affects me badly and I can't imagine how I would heal while living in an abusive

situation. My heart goes out to you and I sincerely hope you can free yourself from this

relationship and rebuild your life in peace. 

Hugs for you.