NoMeaning25: I wont give up hope

[bubble]

I'm glad you came back, I'm glad you are still there and fighting. I believe that together we can find ways of how to make this battle more successful with small steps.

 

How are you spending your days? have you read any of the stories here, especially of people who are experiencing what is called 'protracted withdrawal'?

 

bubble

[NoMeaning25]

I work most days from 8 to 5pm, but will be quitting very soon as i cant keep up any more. As soon as i get home i just lie down and watch movies. Thats it. I don't go anywhere, don't do anything i have massive massive fatigue. My muscles feel atrophied. I just sit at a desk all day in front of the PC, its affecting my eyes.

 

I wish things would get better.

[Altostrata]

Can you take breaks for short walks at work? That might help. It could be you're light-sensitive and all that PC-staring is making your symptoms worse.

[NoMeaning25]

I will be quitting my job in a couple of months, i do take short walks as much as i can. I think the PC Staring is making me worse.

 

19 months no improvements. How can this be Alto? I only took SSRI's for 4 years how can this be i envy everyone who have windows, i would be so happy with even a minute window, just a minute :'(

 

This isn't possible i haven't seen anyone not have improvements for 19 months. Not possible maybe something else is wrong with me

[Altostrata]

You might want to wear the amber glasses when you use the computer.

 

Hang in there. We have several people here who had a very hard time for a long time but did improve finally.

[NoMeaning25]

I will try get the amber glasses. Now i am freaking out! What if i also have mold toxicity? Or lyme disease or parasites? What tests can i ask for?

 

I hate this anxiety. Its killing me.

[mammaP]

Hi Olivia, I'm sorry you are feeling so bad. I bought some amber glasses and they really

help with the computer screen. I agree with Alto about the exercise too, a short walk outside

will make a big difference. Can you get up from your desk and move round for a minute or two

every hour or so? The body needs movement to keep the blood flowing properly.  I used to

set my timer so that I moved for 5 minutes every hour, otherwise I would seize up and muscles

go stiff.   It also sounds like you are having a wave at the moment, which is a pain in the 

whatsit but it will get better, I hope you feel better soon.

[NoMeaning25]

Someone please help me! I am constantly getting dental/mouth infections. As soon as i stress it flares up. I have a bad infection around my wisdom tooth now. I dont want to take antibiotics please i cant i took them in January for the same problem.

 

Any alternative treatments available? What should i do :'(

[Meimeiquest]

The easiest thing I can think of is salt water rinses...1tsp. Salt in a cup of warm water. You could also try pulling coconut oil (melt and swish for a few minutes). Tucking a whole clove back there. Hang in there Olivia!

[bubble]

I will be quitting my job in a couple of months, i do take short walks as much as i can. I think the PC Staring is making me worse.

 

19 months no improvements. How can this be Alto? I only took SSRI's for 4 years how can this be i envy everyone who have windows, i would be so happy with even a minute window, just a minute :'(

 

This isn't possible i haven't seen anyone not have improvements for 19 months. Not possible maybe something else is wrong with me

Just wanted to say that I feel for you very much. I've been in similar states and it is like living, never ending hell.

 

Unfortunately I don't know what to do about inflammation but just wanted to share with you soething positive: that it passes.

 

(I suffered with extreme anhedonia, then followed by dreadful anxiety and think sometimes both at the same time. I think I was even on meds then but didn't see they made much difference. The only think that helped me was talk therapy and putting a total focus on myself and my needs. It was awfully difficult to get in touch with my needs since they were buried very deep).

 

I don't know what to advise just wanted to share my experience hoping it will give you strength.

 

big hug,

 

bubble 

[Altostrata]

It could be withdrawal has made you sensitive to light. You might want to try using amber glasses at least part of the time that you're looking at a bright electronic screen. See these and other topics in the Symptoms and Self-care forum:
http://survivingantidepressants.org/index.php?/topic/304-light-sensitive-try-blocking-out-blue-light/
http://survivingantidepressants.org/index.php?/topic/397-tv-or-computer-use-in-evening-can-disrupt-sleep/
http://survivingantidepressants.org/index.php?/topic/2519-computer-program-adjusts-blue-light-to-time-of-day/

[NoMeaning25]

Had to take antibiotics AGAIN! It was actually an abscess in my cheek and only got worse and worse, so i had to go to the doctor. The only antibiotics i can take is Amoxicillin liquid for children. My doctor gave me double the dosage, 500mg and it seems i have no problems with it. I did react to the pill form of the same antibiotics. Really strange...

[mammaP]

I hope the antibiotics clear up the infection for you.  Make sure you take a good probiotic

or eat yogurt because the antibiotics kill the good bacteria along with the bad and that 

leads to other problems.  I'm sure you probably know that but just throwing it in as a 

reminder.  I can react to some tablets but be ok with liquid, tablets affect my stomach

badly but liquid can be better depending what it is.  As you say, strange but true! 

[NoMeaning25]

Im just going to accept that this is me forever. No improvements at 19.5 months off. Only more suffering. 

[Chemistry]

Olivia i  completely understand how you feel i'm reaching 18 months and like you since coming off things have only worsened. I'm seeing a doctor about recent issues but all in all we still have time to heal from most of our problems. Acceptance is huge but we need to stay positive right.. Remember i'm right here with you on this and theres gotta be a way out. If we take care of ourselves  (which i have been doing a lot lately) our bodies will heal. I hate to see that we're not improving but just remember that theres still time to get better, its not like we're years and years off right.. Never give up hope. 

[NoMeaning25]

I am in a terrible state of panic and i really really need some reassurance please! Please someone reassure me im not going to be like this or suffer for 10 years :'( 

[Meimeiquest]

Did you move out of the difficult situation you were in? How is your living situation now? It seemed like that was an important piece for your healing?

[Chemistry]

You won't be suffering for 10 years Olivia. We're young things will get better we have time. I'm in a similar state where i need reassurance as well. We just gotta keep hoping. 
If  you're still in an abusive relationship, taking hormone altering meds, etc then i could see why things haven't gotten any better, or worse actually, especially because our cases are pretty bad. We need to take care of ourselves, stress kills and its hard on the body, try your best to avoid it. In the next 6-12 months i wouldn't be surprised if things turned around for us... Well i would be lol but in a way I really wouldn't be. 

[mammaP]

I am sorry that you are still feeling so bad Olivia. I hope that you can do something to 

get away from the abusive relationship, I'm certain that you would start to feel better 

if you were not suffering abuse on top of withdrawal.  Did you stop work yet?  If you did

it might be easier for you to take a short walk outside every day,  it can be very very

difficult but usually people feel better after a short walk. Not too far so as not to overdo it! 

 

This will pass, I know 18 months seems like an eternity but it will get better.

[NoMeaning25]

I havent stopped working yet as i am in massive massive financial debt since withdrawal. I am trying to get out of that o i can quit my job.

 

I am still in my relationship, i am slowly very slowly cutting myself off and planning an escape.

 

Then i have my home situation to deal with. 

 

I am 21 months off. Here i am, still stuck in massive DR/DP with no signs of improvements. I am in disbelief that this is happening to me

[NoMeaning25]

Just a note.... I am off birth control pills for 3 months now. I am on NO medication what so ever. I do not smoke, i do not consume any alcohol not even a drop, i do not use weed by smoking/eating etc. I do not use any supplements. I have never ever used street drugs (Except one pot cookie in early withdrawal, first and last ever. That was 24 months ago), i have never ever smoked anything, i have never used any other medication besides birth control and antidepressants (Except things like otc, antibiotics etc NEVER Cipro though) I do not have any disease or anything wrong with me that i am aware of. I do have an anxiety disorder since childhood. I had situational depression because i had to move away from home. Thats it. Nothing else. I took antidepressants for 4 years at 20mg, birth control for 7 years. Took birth control for mild acne. Thats all.

 

 

Im saying this in case some people think i have other problems or im hiding something or whatever. I was normal healthy never smoke, drank did drugs. I just had some anxiety. I never experienced a panic attack, DR/DP, or anything i am experiencing now before withdrawal. I do not have lyme disease or anything else that people might be thinking i have or had. I had no illnesses as a child except chicken pox. Nothing else. Not even a broken bone. I had no operations, None

 

So there isnt anything else wrong with me. I was healthy and fine. Now look at me. These drugs destroyed my life, my soul, my identity. Me.

[cymbaltawithdrawal5600]

This is the tragedy of taking these meds. In time it will pass but no one knows how long and it gets frustrating. It is good that you are able to get your frustrations out here. We understand.

[Karma]

Hi Olivia

 

I'm not trying to diagnosis anything, but I have found that when my thyroid wasn't working properly (actually my whole endocrine system was out of balance) that I had low grade depression, anxiety, anhedonia, and an overall lack of motivation.  It was a chore to run a weekend errand.  I literally dragged myself through each day.

 

After I was able to work with a medical professional who was able to help me balance many of the hormones in the endocrine system I found that I could find a sense of balance, peace and even experience joy.  Recently, I was adjusting my thyroid hormones and stressed my adrenals.  I was irritable, anxious, I lacked motivation and experienced anhedonia.  Working with a thyroid patient advocate group I made a recommended adjustment and I literally felt 10X better the next day - not perfect, but definitely better. 

 

I'm not promising that anything I say here will help you feel better the next day; I'm just trying to illustrate the tremendous impact of hormones on the system.

 

Full disclosure, I am still decrementing off Effexor.  But I am able to experience positive feelings even while tapering off my SSRI.

 

You indicate that you are about 3 months off of birthcontrol pills and they do mess with your sex hormones.  They can also lead to yeast overgrowth syndrome that can sort of gunk up your system so that the hormones you do have don't get to your cells.  Antibiotics also contribute to an environment that results in yeast overgrowth.  Have you had your hormones checked?  

 

I'm not going to promise you that you can make an adjustment to hormones and feel better the next day.  It worked for me recently because everything else was in balance.  In fact, if your medical professional does recommend adjusting hormones or treating thyroid, it may take a bit of time to feel any difference.  But it looks to me like you are looking for something that may be contributing to the state you find yourself in and I wanted to offer a possibility.

 

Ultimately, one way or the other, the human body is amazing and it can heal itself.  Be kind to yourself and trust that you won't feel this way forever.

 

Love and light,

Karma

 

[Meimeiquest]

The other thing that you might want to look into is probiotics or good yogurt. I have read that the pill decreases the normal intestinal flora, I don't know why. And antibiotics do that for sure.

 

You won't give up!

[arwen]

Hi Olivia,

 

I've just read your thread. You went through a lot in the last couple of years But the next ones will be so much better!

 

I am sure that everything will improve when your environment will improve. The brain wants to heal. It needs time and a lot of help! Go away from your abusive relationship, start doing small things that you may like, go for a walk, talk to a friend. Watching movies from time to time is fine, just don't spend all your time with this. And stop counting days, stop thinking: "ah, another month and I still don't feel better". It is actually very difficult to quantify how good or bad we feel. The withdrawal is bad enough without us amplifying it with our thoughts.

 

Build a safe environment around you. Imagine that you have a wound on your leg, or a broken arm. It heals in time, if you take care of it. You need to keep it clean, to not disturb it. For the broken arm you would use a cast. The brain is the same. All it needs to heal is a clean, safe, healthy environment (and time). It can stand some amount of stress (we cannot leave totally isolated, without any stress), but it needs peace too. And safety. 

 

Sometimes quitting work is a good idea, sometimes it is not. It depends on many things. How much stress do you have there? Do you have good colleagues? Do you feel you are good at what you do? I also work 8 hours a day on a computer, with fluorescent light all around me. It is not ideal, but better than staying in bed all day long! And I enjoy having some social interactions. I enjoy being appreciated.

 

I also had bad DP/DR in the past, many years ago then a few years ago. So I know very well how debilitating it is. Even if physically it is harmless, it is so disturbing. Each time it happened, I felt so terrified, and I was thinking I was at my worst, and I cannot stand it anymore. But it is just my mind, my fear, it is not true. The next day will be better. This "I cannot stand it anymore" - one of the cognitive mistakes we are doing. How many times I repeated this to myself! 

Or "I will never feel good", "I will never be able to find a job", "Nobody will love me". Just thoughts, but they are powerful when we give them power.

 

It is not easy. I am also in Paxil withdrawal, even if I tapered slowly, I hurried at the very end, and it was too fast. I was only one month on 20mg of Paxil, around 1 year on 10-15mg, and more than a year tapering, smaller and smaller dose. I had to reinstate a tiny quantity to stabilize. Everybody is different, some of us are even more sensitive. And Paxil is one of the worst.

 

I encourage you to leave your boyfriend, look for help. There are people and organizations ready to help, but you need to do the first step and ask for help. 

 

I am sending some love and encouragements towards you: be strong and healthy!

[NoMeaning25]

21 Months off antidepressants, 4 months off birth control pills.

 

No improvements, actually worsening of DR/DP, Visual problems, concentration and apathy... But i have seen improvement in my depression which is much much better, inner vibrations has left me and the migraines have lessened. Head pressure only comes on in extreme anxiety plus i havent had an infection since early March (Usually had an infection every single month) touch wood!

 

So i guess there is a tiny tiny tiny improvement.

 

Oh, another big thing for me, i actually felt some smidge of excitement these last couple of days, something i haven't felt in almost 2 years. I am going to a big event next month and i feel a tiny bit excited. Wow i cant believe it. I hope it lasts. I really hope it lasts. Even if its such a tiny bit of excitement, its something non the less. I still feel super sick and unable to do much of anything, but i am trying my best.

 

If the DR/DP and fog would just get better i would be forever grateful 

[NoMeaning25]

I am now convinced that the birth control i started years ago led me into depression and worsening of my anxiety, which led me on antidepressants because exactly 6 months after i started on yasmin, i got "diagnosed" as depressive and very anxious and put on antidepressants.

 

When i finally stopped the birth control after many years on them, i first entered into severe hell and extreme depression, but it has gotten better 

[mammaP]

I am so pleased to read your last post Olivia, it is lovely to know that you are having glimpses

of improvement. I'm also glad that you are making escape plans, I know that you will get 

better and better when you don't have the stress of an abusive relationship.

 

This is just the start of your new life . Have a great time at the event, you deserve some fun for a change!

[Chemistry]

Wow! Nomeaning this is amazing news im so happy for you! I know youre still very sick but i couldnt believe it when you said you started to feel a little bit excited for that event. I have felt the same thing before. Seriously if you can recover i dont see why i cant since our cases are so similar. Youre right on time to start feeling a little better. Unfortunately at 19 months im still in the deep end, feeling worse than ever actually... I hope in a couple months things will start slowwwwly coming together like im sure they will for you.

 

Im in a group on facebook dedicated to treating the visual symptoms we have. The doctors just came out saying the problem is located in the "Lingual Gyrus" and that this has opened up treatment possibilities which theyre going to test. Im just telling you this so you dont have to worry about your visuals if they dont get better in years and years (but im sure they will improve).

 

This pretty much made my day and gave me a little more hope. Hang in there!

[Chemistry]

PS i have read of many instances where deep depression or sometimes personality changes were caused by birth control pills. Perhaps you getting off of them is what you needed.

[Muddles]

Olivia - I was on the same pill as you and for years. When I researched them, I couldn't believe all of the side effects!! I stopped a couple of months ago. Did your depression come instantly after stopping?

 

Good to see you have small improvement. Great news.

[Rhiannon]

I am now convinced that the birth control i started years ago led me into depression and worsening of my anxiety, which led me on antidepressants because exactly 6 months after i started on yasmin, i got "diagnosed" as depressive and very anxious and put on antidepressants.

 

When i finally stopped the birth control after many years on them, i first entered into severe hell and extreme depression, but it has gotten better 

My daughter was having terrible mood swings on BCPs so I did a little reading around the Net on forums and lots and lots of women were reporting similar things. Lots of self-doubt, feeling their lives were worthless or they were going in the wrong direction, problems with hope and motivation, stuff like that.

 

Hormones are powerful. Some of them act directly as neurotransmitters, others just affect the expression of neurotransmitters, but they all definitely affect our minds and emotions. I wish more people would question BCPs. My daughter still struggles with them but I can't persuade her to try a barrier method instead. (Seems like people believe diaphragms either don't work or no longer exist, neither of which is true, and I'm wondering if there's been some Big Pharma/ Big Medicine misinformation involved in that, since they're very low in profitability.)

[NoMeaning25]

Thanks everyone, but i really spoke too soon as always im afraid. I was hit by a really really bad wave on Monday and i am very ill, extremely down and i feel dizzy and very confused. 

 

Something really bad happened in my life so maybe its the stress etc.

 

I dont feel like going to the event anymore :'( 

 

21 months in hell and counting..... Severe DR/DP still not letting up. I am very very worried now

[mammaP]

Olivia this will pass, you've experienced a window and will feel that again.

It's devastating when a window slams shut but it will open again. 

 

Hang in there, you've been doing great and will get through this. 

[Muddles]

Olivia - sorry you are suffering again. About 3 weeks ago it was my husbands birthday and he had booked to go and see a show down in London. I was so depressed and not able to shower etc and wasn't leaving the house. But I looked at my children's faces and just had to do it. I hated every minute of the show because I felt terrible. However, I went and felt a sense of achievement by doing it. I definitely felt better by the time I got home.

 

Dr Healy advises that we need to get out and try and push ourselves into the normal world (whatever that is), even if we feel bad. Our brains have to re-wire, grow again to feel and regain all of those emotions and connections we use to feel. I know this is impossible for some when in acute withdrawel and you have suffered long enough. But what happens if you go to this function and actually enjoy it - even if its 5 minutes? Even if you feel dreadful the whole time you are there...you will have done it and its a big, big step.

 

Really hope you get some of that excitement back.

[arwen]

Olivia, I am happy that you had a nice window, the bad wave will pass. It is difficult, but the things improved, they will improve more.

 

I was also on Yasmin, I had been on it for 7 years before I had a breakdown and started Paxil almost 3 years ago. I am sure that without the BC pill I would not have to go through all this hell and back.