NoMeaning25: I wont give up hope

[NoMeaning25]

Well, i am living my life as normally as possible, im still working and trying to do most things i did prior to withdrawal, but it is hard and i cant keep up anymore. I will be quitting my job very soon. Hopefully i will then start getting better.

 

I was thinking, does sugar ramp up symptoms? I really really felt like coffee today and had a cup this morning. I am now severely dizzy, confused and i feel very sick. At 21 months off this is getting ridiculous really. I am in hell and would really like to start feeling better.

 

I guess the more severe cases takes around 3-4 years before seeing improvements... Just my observation. 

[NoMeaning25]

I came across an old thread on the "other" site and wondered if i might have Mitral Valve Prolapse Syndrome. I still have heart palpitations every single day, i have this funny heart feeling when i lie on my side, i feel extremely fatigued and dizzy. I also have fibrocystic breasts.

 

Every time i eat something, drink something or do anything my heart pounds. Is this never going to go away? Do i just have to accept this? I had 2 EKG's and both normal....

 

I'm just trying to figure out what's wrong with my, why i am not improving after 21.5 months free. I don't understand.

 

Is this going to be me forever??

 

What happens if 3-4 years comes and i still haven't improved? What then? Where do i go what do i do?

 

I feel stuck in this hell whole and i don't see any light or even a glimpse of light. I see no way out.

[Rhiannon]

Most of us find that coffee and sugar both aggravate our symptoms.  I mean, either one separately, and certainly both together.

 

It can take a while to heal. I think having a low stress, safe environment aids in healing. (It certainly does for me, when I can manage it). Are you having any luck moving towards getting out of the abusive relationship? I was in an abusive marriage for 11 years and the stress level is huge, but you sort of get used to it and don't really realize how much it's wearing you out until you get away.

 

Please nurture yourself and provide yourself the best environment for healing (both where you live and what kind of interactions you have, and also diet, and gentle exercise, that sort of thing).

 

Also, the little window that you had a while back is a very good sign, even if it didn't last long.

[Jemima]

I came across an old thread on the "other" site and wondered if i might have Mitral Valve Prolapse Syndrome. I still have heart palpitations every single day, i have this funny heart feeling when i lie on my side, i feel extremely fatigued and dizzy. I also have fibrocystic breasts.

 

Every time i eat something, drink something or do anything my heart pounds. Is this never going to go away? Do i just have to accept this? I had 2 EKG's and both normal....

 

I'm just trying to figure out what's wrong with my, why i am not improving after 21.5 months free. I don't understand.

 

Is this going to be me forever??

 

What happens if 3-4 years comes and i still haven't improved? What then? Where do i go what do i do?

 

I feel stuck in this hell whole and i don't see any light or even a glimpse of light. I see no way out.

 

Antidepressants can cause heart problems, but not necessarily for everyone nor would they necessarily cause this particular condition. SA staff are not trained medical people, so it would be best to make an appointment with a cardiologist for this type of advice.

[arwen]

Olivia, go to the doctor to make sure that you don't have any heart problem, but what you describe is a typical withdraw/anxiety/stress symptom.

 

I wake up every morning with a pounding heart. It started 4 month ago, when the withdrawal hit. In between I reinstated a tiny quantity and it made me functional, but this symptom is unchanged. It is more annoying than harmful, i do my best to ignore it. And it goes away a few minutes after. What will happen when I completely taper Paxil or how long it will take to to completely heal, I have no idea. I try to be grateful that I am better than at my worse. It doesn't always work, but I try my best.

 

I agree with Rhi: the most important to healing is a low stress, relaxed and safe environment.

 

What will happen in 3-4 years? This is so far away... I do the same, I focus too much on the future or the past, ignoring the present. And it is not helpful, it refuels my anxiety. If I do my best in the present, a good future will come.

[NoMeaning25]

Im really scared guys i am really really scared. Ive had solid Severe DR/DP for 21.5 months and counting. No signs of letting up. Ive read alot of stories on the internet of people staying in severe DR/DP for 7 years or longer. Does this count for people who quit Antidepressants?

 

Please i need reassurance badly. I will kill myself rather than live with this severe symptom for years. Please anyone who had it severely for 21 months and recovered?

 

Im scared

[Chemistry]

I've heard of people who had very long term DP/DR. But you have to understand, people can "get" DP/DR for many different reasons, withdrawal being only 1 of them. You also have all the visual symptoms which naturally doesn't help your DR. But the good news is, if SSRIs caused these issues it only makes sense that it'll get better over the years. It will. Its not like you got this from a childhood trauma or from some sort of neurological illness or whatever! I'm sure people with schizophrenia might say they've had DP/DR for 10+ years etc. Its something that can come on for many reasons  and so you should only trust your own experience or the experience of others who got DP/DR directly from anti depressants.

 

Even with weed, DP/DR goes away eventually. You've also gone through so much stress with your relationship problems,even if you never went on SSRIs i wouldn't be surprised if you had DP/DR from all the stress.

 

Hang in there Olivia, i know exactly how you feel i've been feeling extremely out of it myself lately... and emotionally detached. It only makes sense to assume it'll improve as the years go by and like you said we're young. Just please hang in there and don't focus on the DP/DR okay? Because it makes it harder for your brain to sort of "snap out of it". Theres a Dp/Dr forum online and theres many recovery stories of people who got better just by not focusing on the dp/dr and instead simply focusing on life, completely forgetting about their symptoms. Try to ride this out and try to make light out of it. I know its not fun to feel like you're in a dream, sometimes i just pretend like i'm high or something and just try to have fun with it lol. Its all i can do.  

[arwen]

Olivia, when you say severe DR/DP, what do you mean by "severe"? Is it so bad, that you cannot exit the house at all? Is is so bad that you cannot function? I know, there are moments when it is horrible, but is the suffering continuous? Or you have bad days and other days more bearable? Try to put the things in perspective, and see that all is not as bad as it seems when you are in the middle of the wave.

 

When the wave hits, we cannot see the light, the hope. But they are there, if only we can put some distance from the pain. There is always hope.

 

I have had DR/DP for the last 3 years, it didn't start with Paxil, Paxil and the withdrawal just made it worse. But it has not always been at the same intensity. At the worst I was afraid to exit the house, even accompanied. I was afraid to get asleep or shower. At the best, I can function more or less, go to work, enjoy some small things.

 

If you can reduce your stress load, it may help. It helped me. It helped others. I think that DR/DP happens as a response to a super stressed brain, that cannot take it anymore, and then shuts down some functions, to protect us. And this leads to the horrible detachment from reality or from ourselves. Relax your brain and better times will come, even after such a long withdrawal. 

 

The brain capacity to recover is amazing. I am absolutely sure that you have it in you to totally revert all the damage your brain suffered. (the same as I have the power to revert the damage done to my brain). You just need to help it. 

 

Try meditation, CBT, mindfulness, read some books about anxiety. Learn to avoid thinking in absolute, black and white. The world is anything but black and white. There is pain, but there is colour too. Learn what thoughts are helping you, and what thoughts are not. Learn not to dwell so much on negative. Distance yourself from people that fuel your problems, and get close to the ones that help you, the ones that make you feel good.

 

I feel for you. I want to yell at you right now: "You are strong! You can do it! You can survive this and emerge even stronger!". Just be kind to yourself and take it easy, one day at a time, don't worry about the future. Live in the present.  

[NoMeaning25]

Two years ago to the day, i was forced to take a weed cookie. Little did i know the destruction and severe anguish that awaited me.

 

Im really not a bad person. I have a good heart, ive never done anything so terrible that i deserve this suffering. 

 

I never thought i would still be in this severe hell at 22 months off. If only i could start improving, I pray every day, pleading for God to help me, to heal me. Nothing ever happens.

 

Ive come down with flu. Its strange, but every time i have the flu, bad memories of withdrawal that ive forgotten about pops up. 

 

How long must a person suffer like this? How long should i get punished? There is no hope left, no hope at all. I am not willing to suffer for 10 years like this. I am not willing to go another 8 years of this, and still not be ok.

 

I guess i was just lied to. Not everyone heals. Not everyone gets better. This s*t is permanent for some and i think i am some of the unlucky ones.

 

I look at all my classmates of 2006, my ex's, all the people i have come to know... All of them are married with children, have degrees, they are healthy and doing well.

 

Here i am, not married, no degree, no children, in an abusive relationship i am struggling to come out of, very very ill cant do anything for myself, possibly permanently damaged because i trusted my doctor.

 

What is there left to live for? Im turning 26 and have accomplished nothing and if im still sick 10 years later, ill be 36 with nothing to show for.

 

Ill rather die right now

[NoMeaning25]

The event is the weekend and i feel terrible. All the months of preparation, waiting etc was all for nothing.

 

My journal entry is a lie. I have given up hope. I have no hope left :'(

[NoMeaning25]

http://www.benzobuddies.org/forum/index.php?topic=78279.60

 

http://www.benzobuddies.org/forum/index.php?topic=12381.40

 

Over 20 years and still not recovered. Why oh why do i always seem to find all these horror posts? I was just searching protracted withdrawal.

 

Is this even possible? 

[Chemistry]

Olivia, im so sorry you feel this way. I get like this a lot myself sometimes.

 

Listen, about the benzo buddies posts, the entire first thread was filled of people denying this persons experience and altough i dont want to do that, it kind of makes sense too. This doesnt really apply to you does it, have you ever taken benzos? I mean benzos and ssris are not the same thing. Even if her case was legit, 27 years thats very rare, first time ive ever seen that. Do not assume at 22 months off that you still be in "hell" in 25 years. Thats catastrophic thinking right there lol. I know its discouraging but we have to learn to take these stories with a grainof salt.

 

Now these second one, i dont see the problem honestly. She took benzos for 30 years! And after being off for 16 which is a super long time she has improved and will probably only keep improving. Benzos have a bad rep when if comes to w/d. I know 16 years is a very long time but were you on benzos for 30 years? You havent even been alive that long. Is 16 years a very long time? Yes but the majority of people recover much faster so this is quite rare. And thridly theyre still recovering so that should be a positive post if anything.

 

Olivia i thought you had a little window? Are your symptoms still prgressively worsening? If so, which ones?

 

Dont forget if youve caught the flu it might make withdrawal worse. I caught a horrible flu during christmas last year and it set me back big time, i had weird symptoms too that i never got with the flu. I also felt like the cough syrup made things worse (it can mess with serotonin). But i eventually bounced back. Just remember this may be withdrawal speaking and not you, theres no reason to believe you will not recover at 22 months off. Dont scare yourself.

 

Take care

[NoMeaning25]

Does anyone feel like their personality has changed? I ask this because i have noticed i am not the same person any more. I dont like the same things, i do things differently, i dont think the same, i dont react the same. I just feel different, like someone else. Is this normal or am i really starting to loose my mind? Will i get me back or is this the new me?

[NoMeaning25]

No Benzo's, wish i rather took benzo's than this poison.

 

I wouldnt call it a window, as i still had most my symptoms, the depression just felt better and i felt excited. Its gone now. The event that took place over the weekend was bad. I was severely anxious, i cant see so well and my head is so foggy i didnt understand what was happening. There were at least 400 people so i guess i held out ok, but it was terrible and to think i might be like this for years to come is so bad

 

My flu is better now. Thanks for the encouragement. 

[Rhiannon]

Olivia, I think it's probably too soon to say. You'll have a better idea of things as you settle down in the next couple of years.

 

I know that for me, on my slow taper, when I hold for a long while until all the WD symptoms are gone (well 95% anyway) I find that I am getting back my pre-drug personality. But in withdrawal my thoughts and feelings are all over the place.

 

I suspect you'll find you've changed due to the experiences you've been through, just like going through any kind of intense life-changing or tragic or challenging experience changes anyone; but once your bodymind has settled down, my guess is you'll find that at heart, in your center, you're still the same "you".

[NoMeaning25]

Here I am, 10 days away from 23 months med free. Next month is the big date. 2 Years off.

 

I'm very sad to report than i am doing substantially worse than just a few days ago. 

 

Now i am very concerned there might be something else wrong with me. My stress has definitely been reduced, but i am getting worse.

 

I haven't felt this bad even in the beginning of withdrawal.

 

Please, anyone? Is it possible to go 2 years without improvements? I had a small window at 4 months off, that's it. Nothing else.

 

I'm off antidepressants for almost 2 years. Its been 6 months since my last birth control pill. I do not take any other meds, i haven't taken antibiotics in 4 months. I don't take headache pills.

 

Maybe something very serious is wrong with me :'(

[NoMeaning25]

I guess some people really don't recover. I mean, i have seen just too many people still bad off at 10 years.

 

Its not worth living like this, in severe hell and i am not willing to do this for another 8 years. No way!

 

I have no reason to believe that i will recover or even get better. I guess my case must be very severe. I have never seen ANYONE not have a shred of improvement at 2 years off. Not one.

[tezza]

Hi Olivia,

 

I don't know what to say but wanted to let you know I'm here. Your title is "I won't give up hope", you just stick to that.

 

Love,

T

[NoMeaning25]

Im in a very very severe wave right now. Extreme extreme DR/DP, Massive anxiety. I feel like i am dying. I havent slept for 2 days now.

 

Please anyone? Why is this happening why am i not improving? 

[alex]

Insomnia makes all symptoms worse.

I am so sorry you are another one in this hell.

I'am going to be 2 yrs off this month;I've seen improvement, but still struggling.

 

Keep the faith, EVERYONE who stays the course gets better.

 

Hugs, A.

[johnson]

Im in a very very severe wave right now. Extreme extreme DR/DP, Massive anxiety. I feel like i am dying. I havent slept for 2 days now.

 

Please anyone? Why is this happening why am i not improving? 

HI Olivia,

 

Just wondering if you are taking any supplements and what kind? I understand from your signature you are also off all meds, birth control and anything else?

[NoMeaning25]

The insomnia isnt entirely to withdrawal, its due to other factors. I have to feed puppies around the clock, so i have to get up every 2 hours, so hence no sleep. But even if i do sleep, i still feel just as bad. 

 

One thing i have noticed, i cant sleep more than 7 hours, i cant take naps during the day, then my DR is worse and i feel very bad.

 

I get bouts of insomnia, but its not everyday. I have hypersomia most times, but as i stated, i cant sleep more than 7 hours.

[NoMeaning25]

I take no supplements of any kind, when i have the flu, i take vitamin C, but thats it.

 

I cant tolerate supplements of any kind. I tried a very gently magnesium, i felt extremely anxious. I tried primrose oil, it gave me headaches, i tried B12 spray, the safe one, i had migraines.

 

Im free from all Antidepressants 23 months, Birth Control free for 6 months.

 

 

Im in a very very severe wave right now. Extreme extreme DR/DP, Massive anxiety. I feel like i am dying. I havent slept for 2 days now.

 

Please anyone? Why is this happening why am i not improving? 

HI Olivia,

 

Just wondering if you are taking any supplements and what kind? I understand from your signature you are also off all meds, birth control and anything else?

 

[johnson]

 

I take no supplements of any kind, when i have the flu, i take vitamin C, but thats it.

 

I cant tolerate supplements of any kind. I tried a very gently magnesium, i felt extremely anxious. I tried primrose oil, it gave me headaches, i tried B12 spray, the safe one, i had migraines.

 

Im free from all Antidepressants 23 months, Birth Control free for 6 months.

 

 

Im in a very very severe wave right now. Extreme extreme DR/DP, Massive anxiety. I feel like i am dying. I havent slept for 2 days now.

 

Please anyone? Why is this happening why am i not improving? 

HI Olivia,

 

Just wondering if you are taking any supplements and what kind? I understand from your signature you are also off all meds, birth control and anything else?

 

 

I was just wondering/thinking if maybe something else you were taking was maybe still giving you problems but I guess that's not the case.

I think you'll just have to wait and give it more time.

[Chemistry]

As always Olivia we are on the same boat. PSSD and maybe anhedonia still worsening, along with the vision problems. I dont think my DP/DR is as bad as yours but i definitely have the DR and feeling like everything is/was a dream. I really hope things get better for us... They have to.

 

We just lost power for several days, now that i'm back online, i think i will seriously start to live extremely healthily, or as healthy as possible. Its SO difficult with the cravings, the fatigue and the demotivation. But i HAVE to do it, i think it'll be the only way i can start seeing meaningful improvement soon. I hope if i continue with it strictly that within a year, i will feel much much better. Thats all i can hope for. Dont give up. I believe if we try hard enough and hang in there we will feel better, it makes no sense that we wont. 

[Petunia]

The insomnia isnt entirely to withdrawal, its due to other factors. I have to feed puppies around the clock, so i have to get up every 2 hours, so hence no sleep. But even if i do sleep, i still feel just as bad. 

 

 

The stress of this on your sensitive nervous system would be enough to increase symptoms.  How long have you been waking up every two hours to feed puppies?

[NoMeaning25]

Its every 7 months, usually only 2/3 days, then i sleep normally. So basically 3-5 days a year.

[Petunia]

ok, I was thinking you had been doing this for several weeks.  If you usually get about 7 hours sleep a night, that's good, many people here are having to manage on quite a bit less.

[NoMeaning25]

23 months off. No improvements. Wonderful

[Petunia]

Hang in there Olivia, I'm sorry this is taking so long for you.  How is your diet and are you able to get any exercise? What is the relationship situation like now?

 

Your signature shows how long you have been drug free, but not what you were on, how long and how you stopped.  It would help people to understand your situation when posting if you had that information there.

 

I hope you get a nice clear window soon.

[NoMeaning25]

Deleted

[NoMeaning25]

I cant exercise unfortunately. Rapid heart palpitations, hypersomnia, dizziness and increase in brain fog experienced when i do any exercises. Relationship is a bit better and less stressful, i only see him 2x a week compared to everyday. Slowly but surely i will be free from him. Taking baby steps.

 

Diet isn't too great but working on that.

 

Next update will be 14/08/2014 when i am 2 years free.

[NoMeaning25]

Looking at my drug history, i see now why im not getting better. I probably wont get better. 

[Petunia]

Thank you for changing your signature Olivia.  What is it about your drug history which makes you think you wont recover?  Can you go for gentle daily walks?

[NoMeaning25]

So here it is, the 2 year mark. No improvements

 

This is what i deal with 24/7 a comprehensive list it took me a long time to complete

 

 

Symptomology

 

 

Derealization ::: Feeling like I am in a dream, like nothing around me is real, I don’t know what’s happening around me, and my perception feels altered.

 

Depersonalization ::: I feel cut off from myself like an observer of my own life,  very disconnected to myself and surroundings

 

Brain Fog ::: Feeling like my head is foggy, stuffed with cotton balls, like looking through a vail, everything looks foggy/cloudy

 

Dizziness/Vertigo ::: Feeling very dizzy like the floor is moving, I have to hold on to something all the time, feel as if everything is spinning even when I’m lying down

 

Heart Palpitations ::: Heart palpitations every time I eat/drink, when I am anxious, before I go to sleep, even when calm, sometimes feels like I’m skipping beats, pounds really hard in chest

 

Shortness of Breath ::: Feels like pressure on my chest like I can’t catch my breath, breathing is difficult

 

Tinnitus ::: Constant, Loud ringing in the ears accompanied by fullness feeling in ears

 

Lethargy/Hypersomnia/Fatigue ::: Extreme tiredness, lack of energy, sometimes I can fall asleep readily, no matter how many hours I sleep I feel exhausted like I haven’t slept, my body feels drained and weak

 

Apathy ::: Lack of Motivation, interest in myself and others, like I don’t care anymore about anything that I used to. I have no care about personal hygiene, my work or anything

 

Anhedonia ::: I can’t feel any emotions except for sadness, anger and fear. I feel empty, flat and un-motivated. I have no interest in anything in life. I feel emotionally disconnected to others.

 

Light Sensitivity :::  Everything seems extremely and unbearably bright, sunlight makes me feel very dizzy and confused, computer screen makes my eyes hurt

 

Sound Sensitivity ::: Sounds seem intensified, even a small cricket sounds extremely loud.

 

Pelvic Pain ::: Constant Pelvic pain, worse in right side.  Pressure feeling in my pelvis accompanied by lower back pain. Sometimes painful when I sneeze. No problems seen by 3 Gynecologists.

 

Frequent Urination ::: Frequent, Urgent Urination, feeling that I don’t empty my bladder, worse when under stress, Bladder feels hypersensitive, sometimes burning. Always pressure feeling on my bladder. Exact symptoms of Interstitial Cystitis and specialist believes I have the disorder.

 

Fibrocystic Breast Disease ::: Extremely Painful breasts constantly, large hard lumps in breasts 3cm x 3cm, nipple discharge, diagnosed as fibrocystic breast disease.

 

Eye Pain ::: Severe pain at the back of each eye, burning, sore and tired eyes. Nothing relieves the pain. High pressure feeling in eyes, pressure measured high 26/27. Eyes always look puffy like I haven’t slept and very glassy

 

Visual Distortions ::: Blurred vision that doesn’t seem to be picked up in a standard eye test, Difficulty recognizing people at a distance or reading signs/posters, Reduced vision in low lighting,  Bright lights remaining as after-images for much longer than normal, When I look at a plain background – say a wall – in low light it can seem to show a speckled haze or visual snow or graininess (This is a huge problem for me),  Heat Wave vision, Millions of eye floaters, Jumpy vision, Painful eyes,  Very high pressure readings, Colours are a lot brighter than they should be

 

Hair Loss ::: Hair falling out. I used to have nice and thick hair, my hair looks thin, dry and falling a lot. Always clumps of hair seen after each brush change in texture, hair loss, breakage

 

No Stress Tolerance ::: Inability to handle stressful situations, even normal situations seems unbearable and unmanageable, cannot handle any stress at all.

 

Confusion ::: Simple tasks are difficult, unable to decipher directions or follow simple instructions, I sometimes feel confused when someone asks me a simple question like where I stay or what work I do. I feel very confused in the mornings. I will often stop what I’m doing and feel very confused as to what I am doing. Deliberating

 

Muscle Weakness ::: My muscles are very weak. I cannot even lift my arms up with great discomfort and difficulty, cannot lift up my lefts then it starts to shake. My muscles feel wasted.  Simple things are a struggle

 

Inability to Exercise ::: Cannot do simple exercises, I feel dizzy, very confused, severe heart palpitations, headache, shaking all over as if my nervous system has gone into overdrive. Even when walking short distances.

 

Chemical Sensitivity ::: I can’t tolerate any medication or vitamins. I get an immediate bad reaction. Even simple magnesium I react to. Can’t take over the counter headache tablets, have had severe adverse reactions to antibiotics. I am sensitive to cleaning chemicals and get immediate headache, heart palpitations and feeling faint.

 

Angry Outbursts ::: Unexplained, tantrums, loss of temper with no apparent cause

 

Anxiety ::: Severe anxious feeling with no obvious reason, I feel tensed up, nervous and scared all the time. Heart palpitations, knot in stomach feeling, hot flushes, dizziness and spaced out

 

Memory Loss ::: I have no memory of the past 6 years of my life, only small glimpses; the rest of my life feels very blurry, that never used to be the case. I have no short term memory of any kind. There are also a lot of ‘gaps in my memory’

 

Inability to make decisions :::  I struggle to make any decisions what so ever. I can’t make up my mind about what I want to eat, drink, wear, etc this is a very concerning problem as all the answers to anyone’s questions are “I don’t know”

 

Vivid Dreams ::: I often confuse dreams for reality; my dreams feel very vivid and real. I have a lot of nightmares too

 

Weakened immune system ::: I get the flu frequently; i have constant, reoccurring infections for no reason.

 

No concentration ::: Inability to focus attention and/or acquire new information

 

Never thirsty ::: I am literally never thirsty. I cannot feel thirst. I have to force myself to drink water or any other form of liquids. I try to drink at least 1L of water everyday but it is very hard.

 

Craving Junk Food ::: Uncontrollable, extreme craving for junk food, chocolates, cake, pizza etc

 

Terror/Fear :::  fear surpassing natural anxiety/concerns regarding withdrawal, not identifiable with a thought or feeling, feels inauthentic but overwhelming, scared that something ‘terrible’ is about to happen, intense fear of dying and others dying

 

Health Anxiety ::: Constant, severe fear that I have an undetected disease especially cancer

 

No sense of Time ::: I don’t feel time passing, very difficult to describe. I feel as if time is standing still, I have no sense that time is passing by. I t can be any day of the year and I won’t “feel” it’s that time or day.

 

 

Repetitive/Obsessive thoughts ::: Thoughts persist and interrupt cognition, can’t stop unwanted thoughts going over and over in mind; thoughts can also be of an uncharacteristic nature

 

Sleep problems ::: I can’t take a nap, as soon as I try to nap in the day, I wake up 10 minutes later with extreme heart palpitation, severe confusion, dizziness, severe inner vibrations, very derealized state, very out of it that can last over an hour before it settles down

 

Muscle pains/cramps ::: Severe and very deliberating muscle cramps in my feet, especially when sleeping,  I then wake up to intense foot pain and cramps that lasts up to an hour. I have pain in my back and large, hard knots in my shoulders and back.

 

Paranoia ::: Unfounded, suspicious thoughts, feel threatened, feel persecuted.

 

Parenthesia ::: Intense burning, pins and needles feeling in my back and spine. Sometimes in my hands and feet

 

Kidney Pain ::: Non-stop kidney pain accompanied by lower back pain. All tests inconclusive, high volume of protein in urine without any cause

 

Perception Distortion ::: Feel as if my body is moving or surroundings are moving, false sensations of moving. I can sit in a car and it will feel as if the car is moving forward/backwards but it’s not

 

Irritability ::: Feeling irritated over even the smallest of things

 

Sexual Dysfunction ::: Loss of libido and interest in sex

 

Visual perception distortion :::: Seeing ‘things’, inanimate objects appear to be moving, people and objects appear flat, one-dimensional and paper-like

 

Dental Problems ::: Wisdom teeth keep getting inflamed and infected,  used to be every single month for 18 months, it has settled down and only flares up now and then

 

Tremors ::: Uncontrollable shaking and tremors, hands shake, part of body or whole body trembles

 

Inner Vibrations ::: Feeling of body trembling or vibrating ‘on the inside’, much better now. It used to be constant for months on end

 

PGAD ::: This is a very strange but deliberating symptom. My genitals are “aroused”, but I do not feel aroused. Like the connection between my brain and genitals are disconnected, but on the other hand it is extremely sensitive to touch and feel very uncomfortable almost like vulvodyna

 

Nausea ::: Occasional nausea for no reason, especially when anxious or in the mornings. Was constant for a very long time. I only experience it now and then

 

Headaches ::: Before withdrawal I suffered from constant headaches. I still get headaches from time to time but it’s not constant. I do have a dull headache all the time but I think that’s sinusitis

 

Bloating ::: Massive stomach bloating, would like pregnant, feeling uncomfortable, painful and full all the time. Has improved.

 

Gut Problems ::: Bloating, constipation,  pins and needle pains, sharp pains in intestines, lumps in lower part of stomach,  IBS symptoms, cramps that move around, a lot of gas

 

Constipation ::: Used to be very very severe for a very very long time, now its much better but I do get bouts of constipation especially over weekends

 

Sinusitis ::: Severe sinus pains, face feels hot, the pain is very overwhelming and nothing helps. My nose feels stuffy and I sneeze a lot, I would have extremely severe sinus pains all over my face accompanied by severe pressure in my head and face

 

Crying Spells ::: feeling weepy at times without being able to identify a specific trigger, inability to stop crying. I used to cry all day every day, now I don’t cry as much.

 

Irritability ::: Feeling irritated over even the smallest of things

 

Panic Attacks ::: Rapid heartbeat, feeling that I can’t breathe, that I am having a heart attack, massive anxiety, vertigo, diarrhea,  hot flushes with large red marks all over my body especially face and chest, fever feeling. Feeling as if my heart skips beats

 

Depression ::: Very low mood, feeling severely suicidal, severe hopelessness and a deep despair. I cannot put into words how severe this was for the first 18 months. It’s much better now. I feel like I have a low grade depression now, but absolutely nothing like in the past.

 

Fever ::: Constant feeling that I have a fever, my face feels very hot to the touch, I shiver like I have a fever but my temperature is normal. I still struggle with this.

 

Bruxism ::: I grind my teeth when anxious, but much less than the beginning

 

Migraines ::: Headache that gradually gets worse accompanied by severe nausea, dizziness, fever and a very unwell feeling, if I just tilt my head down the pain gets substantially worse. This is mostly gone now. I used to get one at least once a week in early withdrawal.

 

Head Pressure ::: feeling as if an imaginary band around head is constantly being tightened, like something is wrapped around my head, pressing on my head. It’s mostly gone. It does come back for a few minutes in the case of an extreme anxiety situation but then subsides.

 

 

Mood swings :::: Extreme and rapid changes in moods, one minute feeling optimistic then very low, feeling ‘bipolar’, feeling manic then depressed

 

Heaviness ::: Part of the body, especially limbs, feel extremely heavy, body feels like ‘lead’

 

Menstrual Problems ::: Very Irregular, heavy periods, feeling very sick a week before my period

[WinningThrough]

I am so sorry Olivia. I wish I knew what to say. I notice some things have improved. That's a good sign. I see you had a severe adverse reaction and that can take a while to recover from. Sending a hug.