NoMeaning25: I wont give up hope

[NoMeaning25]

I have come a long way. 2 years to the day, I can’t believe it’s here already. I remember the day I stopped taking paxil. The road I walked was extremely traumatic and the trauma continues to this day.

 

I was forced off my medication and given a weed cookie without me wanting to. I know being off paxil is good, but being forced off is a very serious moment for me. I was too weak to say no. I felt I am having such a difficult time with withdrawal because I didn’t want to actually stop taking the drug. I entered into a new relationship and I didn’t want to disappoint my new boyfriend.  We only dated for 2 months but already he took control over my life.

 

I remember wanting to reinstate 10mg Paxil about 7 weeks off. I had the paxil in my hand. He was very very upset with me and treated me badly. I decided to not take the paxil. Yet another huge mistake. I would maybe have been ok now.

 

I went to a psychiatrist who dismissed withdrawal and prescribed Cymbalta. I spoke to my sister who was on Cymbalta and she said it helped her. I didn’t know what these drugs were; I didn’t know Cymbalta was bad or that I shouldn’t try other drugs to help. I had a very severe adverse reaction to Cymbalta. I remember everyone telling me I should snap out of it. As if I could. I was severely ill. All because I listened to someone I thought I could trust. After I got ill I couldn’t do the same things I did before withdrawal. Maybe that’s why I got mentally abused and traumatized daily.

 

I would spend my days at my boyfriend’s house because he wouldn’t allow me to spend time at home, with my animals and my mom. I felt like a prisoner with no escape. I was told what to do, what I wasn’t allowed to do. He did many things i wish not to go into details

 

If you get to know me you would see I am a very soft-natured, kind hearted, innocent person. 

 

 

All I wanted was to be loved. All I wanted was to be normal and happy like everyone else. This is what happens to good people.

 

I do not believe time will heal me. Nothing can heal the damage that has been done to me. This will be my last post. I hope and pray for everyone’s healing.

I do thank everyone for their help and encouragement through the years. I guess i am the exception.

[WinningThrough]

Please don't give up. You can heal. Perhaps healing is just around the corner. Please hold on.

[Chemistry]

Dont give up hope Olivia... Like winningthrough said you mention some things have improved, this is the first step. It's scary how similar we are... I hope we both recover one day, it may just be a longer road than we thought. I hope the relationship situation is better now, you need some peace in your life.

[mlrp]

Don't give up, Olivia. Your struggles are truly great, but you may actually be stronger than you think you are - give yourself the chance to find out. Just for today. In 12-step, we say, "I can do something for 12 hours that would appall me if I felt that I had to keep it up for a lifetime." You can even amend it to "one hour," whatever helps. One hour, one minute, at a time.

[schizor]

you are not exception. this stuff destroyed my life

[mammaP]

I am glad to see that you are only seeing your boyfriend twice a week Olivia, I believe you will

be much better when he is permanently off the scene. You have gone through a lot of trauma and abuse

but you can overcome it.  I know you feel terrible every single day and it is so hard to live with so many 

awful symptoms. Don't give up on us,  take a break for a while, it might be good for you not to be here

so much and constantly reminded how bad you feel.  But please come back and let us know how you

are doing now and again. I'm really sorry that we can't make it all better for you, but I can send you a 

Mamma hug from the bottom of my heart. 

[NoMeaning25]

25 Months off.

 

I feel like im in a very very severe wave.

 

God please help me 

 

I must be the exception as people do see improvements and recover. Why am i not???

[alex]

You are NOT the exception Olivia.

I am 25 months off also, and still struggling with waves of fear, anxiety,depression,obsessive thoughts, insomnia,very scary place to be.

 

Hang in there, I am too.

[Muddles]

Olivia I can relate to many of your symptoms...do/dr is awful. I'm not even in acute yet...god help me!

It's a bloody crime this is.

Hope your wave passes soon.

[schizor]

Olivia you are not exception Im in the same situation

[NoMeaning25]

I should make peace with the fact that i wont recover because seriously i have NEVER seen ANYONE with no improvements at 25 months off. No one

[Petunia]

I should make peace with the fact that i wont recover because seriously i have NEVER seen ANYONE with no improvements at 25 months off. No one

 

I've also never seen anyone with no improvements, that includes you, if you are only  focusing on the symptoms you still have, then you will forget any improvements, so here are some to remind you. 

 

One positive is that i dont have this endless fear and terror i once used to have. My major depressive spells have gotten less and less,

 

 

Looking at my signature, i dont have tremors anymore, my head pressure is much better and my tinnitus comes and goes, so i guess some improvement in something..

 

 

.. But i have seen improvement in my depression which is much much better, inner vibrations has left me and the migraines have lessened. Head pressure only comes on in extreme anxiety plus i havent had an infection since early March (Usually had an infection every single month) touch wood!

 

So i guess there is a tiny tiny tiny improvement.

 

Oh, another big thing for me, i actually felt some smidge of excitement these last couple of days, something i haven't felt in almost 2 years.

 

 

Relationship is a bit better and less stressful, i only see him 2x a week compared to everyday. Slowly but surely i will be free from him.

 

Dental Problems ::: Wisdom teeth keep getting inflamed and infected,  used to be every single month for 18 months, it has settled down and only flares up now and then

 

 

Inner Vibrations ::: Feeling of body trembling or vibrating ‘on the inside’, much better now. It used to be constant for months on end

 

 

Nausea ::: Occasional nausea for no reason, especially when anxious or in the mornings. Was constant for a very long time. I only experience it now and then

 

 

Bloating ::: Massive stomach bloating, would like pregnant, feeling uncomfortable, painful and full all the time. Has improved.

 

 

Constipation ::: Used to be very very severe for a very very long time, now its much better but I do get bouts of constipation especially over weekends

 

 

Crying Spells ::: feeling weepy at times without being able to identify a specific trigger, inability to stop crying. I used to cry all day every day, now I don’t cry as much.

 

Depression ::: Very low mood, feeling severely suicidal, severe hopelessness and a deep despair. I cannot put into words how severe this was for the first 18 months. It’s much better now. I feel like I have a low grade depression now, but absolutely nothing like in the past.

 

Migraines ::: Headache that gradually gets worse accompanied by severe nausea, dizziness, fever and a very unwell feeling, if I just tilt my head down the pain gets substantially worse. This is mostly gone now. I used to get one at least once a week in early withdrawal.

 

Head Pressure ::: feeling as if an imaginary band around head is constantly being tightened, like something is wrapped around my head, pressing on my head. It’s mostly gone. It does come back for a few minutes in the case of an extreme anxiety situation but then subsides.

 

 

 

Olivia, you are recovering slowly, your own words prove it.  I'm sorry its taking so long, some people just take a long time, I've been suffering since 2010 and it got much worse before it starting to get better, I still have a lot of the same symptoms you do.  I think that life stress can slow recovery for some people because our NS needs calm to be able to enter a state where healing is possible, but if we find ourselves in stressful situations on a regular basis, then its going to take longer, unless we can make lifestyle changes to eliminate the stress.  Sometimes that's not possible.  That doesn't mean that healing wont happen, it will just take longer.

 

Please would you put your signature back as a record of your drug history, it makes it easier for people to understand your situation when reading your posts.

[NoMeaning25]

It is not my intention to scare or upset anyone, but i really need help.

 

I've been in severe acute withdrawal for over 26 months and have not experienced any signs of relief or any window of any kind it is 24/7 pure suffering with no let up.

 

I am obviously extremely concerned and would appreciate some encouragement and feedback.

 

Brief history: 4 Years antidepressants in total, 6 week taper, severe adverse reaction 2 months later agter reinstating a different drug. Now 26 months clean of all antidepressants. Dont take a single drug no vitamins nothing i dont smoke i dont drink. I stopped birth control 10 months ago. So i am completely free from everything

[Lilu]

What are you experiencing?

[Petunia]

Hi Olivia,

I moved your last post from symptoms to your own thread, you will get more support here.  I'm sorry you are still struggling.  Please would you put your signature back as a record of your drug history, it makes it easier for people to understand your situation when reading your posts.

 

Petu.

[Chemistry]

Hey Olivia, 

 

I totally know where you are coming from. I am following in your footsteps 2 months behind you and it is still getting worse for me over time. 

 

I believe that some people when in moderate-severe withdrawal have to make a real effort to support their recovery. Sometimes doing absolutely nothing and just waiting is slow because you just sort of sit around with no healthy lifestyle (especially if you're apathetic or have anhedonia). This is what I can be like and it's not really working for me (it's just not healthy to be sitting all day, not sleeping, stressing, etc) Thing is, you definitely seem to have some external factors that may be hindering recovery/windows. I find i will not feel any better anhedonia wise unless my stress levels are low, attitude is positive, life situation is good, sleep is good, etc everything basically has to be perfect for me to even feel a little bit of contentment or "happiness" or fun etc. And it doesn't even always happen. I've learned that tiredness and stress are probably one of the biggest factors in masking windows (for anhedonia/mood anyway). Like, you just can't be stressed/exhausted/sick and also feel pleasure at the same time - So you could have had small small windows like me Olivia, but the all the outside factors and stresses could have clouded over the windows making you not feel any different. Stress alone can cause emotional numbness and can worsen anhedonia. That is just my theory. Let's not forget how long it can take for some people to recover from anhedonia and such. 

 

Basically what has helped me cope is being proactive, i'm not talking about taking anything (maybe some supplements later on), but making big steps in improving stress and sleep (most important on my end), diet, light exercise, attitude (avoid depression and seclusion), trying new/fun things, interacting/laughing with friends (if i do this really often i find my attitude/depression is much better and maybe even anhedonia to some degree. I'm just in a much better mood).

I'm also trying to rule out any other factors in my environment or health that may be hindering recovery. I have constant post nasal drip and i hate it - i never had it before - and i'm wondering if perhaps i'm having allergic reactions to something around me maybe in my house. I find my lymph nodes to be swollen lots of the time too and my immune system feels really low bc i'm always getting colds and such. I also had IBS before meds and still do. Who knows if there are underlying health issues for me that would be good to investigate and possibly sort out, which would not only help me feel better in general but also aid in recovering from polydrug use withdrawal. I'm not guaranteeing anything for myself for anyone, but at this point i'm just interested in bettering my own lifestyle because withdrawal or not it does make me feel a tiny bit better and i do believe that a strong, healthy body heals better than an unhealthy, sluggish, tired one. Does that make any sense at all? 

 

Olivia, at this point i'd say you either have to keep going, keep waiting things out and doing the best you can knowing that eventually you will get better - or find the time to be proactive and rule out any external stresses that may be making recovery a lot harder. I know its not easy and not always possible but either way i know you will be okay. I'd say stop counting the months and thinking in terms of "i'm this far out i should be here" etc. You will recover at your own pace and being aware of the stress you've had and the extra drugs you have taken (birth control, anti biotics - correct me if i'm wrong) it's not a huge surprise that you're still feeling sick this far out. I've read of people recovering from anhedonia from mdma and crystal meth use...like... surely we should be able to recover from AD use right? 

 

Hang in there

[schizor]

Olivia, have you found some way to distract yourself? I found playing video games is a great distraction for me 

[Wildflower0214]

Honestly, I have no idea what your going through, but being early on in this, your story gives me hope because you can sleep!!! It may sound ridiculous. But, I've gone through the scariest time in my life the last few months, and my perspective has changed, and I realize that if I can sleep, and eat whatever I want someday without reactions, and shower without a rash, and not have awful restless sensations in my body, that I will be thrilled! I'm not downplaying where u are, but you've obviously come a long way. Happy for u, and hope u continue to improve.

[LoveandLight]

Low histamine diet Olivia just a thought? Xxx wishing you much healing

[Muddles]

Do you have food sensitivities Olivia?

[NoMeaning25]

As i approached 27 months off, i realized something.

 

- I was lied to all this time. Things don't get better for some people. There are the few people who dont recover. I am one of them.

- Most things about people's withdrawal that i have read has been a lie. They make out as if they are so bad, but in real life they are actually fine.

- Positive thinking does not help you in this situation

- You are actually just all alone in this situation as no one can really help you

- I have wasted 2.5 years on these sites as it has taught me nothing, it just brought on more pain and suffering

- No amount of reassurance helps

 

 

I am leaving for good. No point in me being on here anymore. I am not recovering at all, i am worse than i was at the beginning. The bare minimal improvements i have seen as been replaced by other, much worse symptoms.

 

This is my 3rd Birthday in this Hell. Thank you GSK and my Doctor for destroying my Soul

 

Good Bye!!!

[Muddles]

Olivia - I feel so brain damaged and fear I will never recover as things are getting worse for me. I know you posted on another site not so long ago - replying to someone who said they would never recover. You told them that you were in touch with a lot of people who were years off and all of them had made significant recovery. This gave me hope. Do you not believe them either anymore? What new symptoms do you have? I'm sorry you are suffering.

[cymbaltawithdrawal5600]

How exactly did you expect to be helped here anyway? I see 197 posts and NO SIGNATURE. No one can take the time to read the SIX pages of your thread and offer suggestions. Did you ever follow any of the ones I am sure were offered?

 

Recovery is a personal effort, you give it your all and you claw your way through each moment of the day if you have to and it takes what it takes. It is not true that you have seen no improvement, you just don't see what YOU want and you demand that it should have come way before now.

 

No one has lied to you, you lie to yourself. Over and over we tried to tell you that your mental state, your persistence in only seeing the negative, is a SYMPTOM of withdrawal, it is not YOU. I am sure I told you this but if I did not I am telling you now.

 

Look how long it took GiaK to get where she is.If she can recover with what happened to her, ANYONE can. Including you. I am sorry to see you go but you know what? You'll recover one of these days in spite of yourself. You just won't do it where we all can see it. And if you don't? Well, all that means is that it didn't happen YET.

 

I may permanently lose my posting privileges on this board for letting fly like this but maybe it will smack some sense into you and get past what withdrawal is doing to your thinking.

 

Good luck, sweetie. This just wasn't the board for you. And recovery from psych drugs is not for the faint of heart. It takes a special kind of person to get through this and I hear you wanting to say, well that shows it then. I'm not special so it will never work for me. This ordeal MAKES you that kind of person. As you hang on day by day with the goal in mind. No one here helped you? Then find a place who will or give up. We cannot give you the will to continue.

 

Did you ever post in my thread and offer me solace in my really dark days? Nope, you didn't. THAT is how you get better, through getting and giving support. And following the rules. Where is your dam sig after all this time?

 

As I said, good luck. We just weren't the community for you.

[bells]

My God.

 

CymbaltaWithdrawal weren't you the one who had the nerve the criticize Iggy's spelling a while back too? There was some stuff I wanted to add at the time in Iggy's thread but left it, I'm still not sure how to respond to you at all in a way that would be appropriate and not filled with expletives.

 

The fact that you can and probably will again get away with this type of weird pettiness, bitchiness and insensitivity is just a sign of the unfortunate direction this site is going in...the whole thing is unbelievably uncanny.

[mammaP]

Please, we want this site to be a place where we can all support each other. We mods and admins do our very

best to keep the site positive and help others who are suffering to have some hope. There will always be some who do

not respond but that is the way of withdrawal. If Olivia feels that this site is not helpful I hope she can find what she needs

elsewhere and begin to heal. 

[NoMeaning25]

Wow your post really hurt me.

 

Please dont ever post on my thread or any of my posts again. You dont know me. You havent read through my journal so you have no right to criticize me. You have seriously offended me and i dont appreciate it.

 

Alto how can you allow this? I bet I'm going to get banned just by saying this. Such a pity, there really is nowhere else to go for some of us anymore.

 

 

 

How exactly did you expect to be helped here anyway? I see 197 posts and NO SIGNATURE. No one can take the time to read the SIX pages of your thread and offer suggestions. Did you ever follow any of the ones I am sure were offered?

 

Recovery is a personal effort, you give it your all and you claw your way through each moment of the day if you have to and it takes what it takes. It is not true that you have seen no improvement, you just don't see what YOU want and you demand that it should have come way before now.

 

No one has lied to you, you lie to yourself. Over and over we tried to tell you that your mental state, your persistence in only seeing the negative, is a SYMPTOM of withdrawal, it is not YOU. I am sure I told you this but if I did not I am telling you now.

 

Look how long it took GiaK to get where she is.If she can recover with what happened to her, ANYONE can. Including you. I am sorry to see you go but you know what? You'll recover one of these days in spite of yourself. You just won't do it where we all can see it. And if you don't? Well, all that means is that it didn't happen YET.

 

I may permanently lose my posting privileges on this board for letting fly like this but maybe it will smack some sense into you and get past what withdrawal is doing to your thinking.

 

Good luck, sweetie. This just wasn't the board for you. And recovery from psych drugs is not for the faint of heart. It takes a special kind of person to get through this and I hear you wanting to say, well that shows it then. I'm not special so it will never work for me. This ordeal MAKES you that kind of person. As you hang on day by day with the goal in mind. No one here helped you? Then find a place who will or give up. We cannot give you the will to continue.

 

Did you ever post in my thread and offer me solace in my really dark days? Nope, you didn't. THAT is how you get better, through getting and giving support. And following the rules. Where is your dam sig after all this time?

 

As I said, good luck. We just weren't the community for you.

[NoMeaning25]

Im leaving! Thanks Cymbaltawithdrawal for your "FANTASTIC" Motivation and great advise! Really such a "TERRIFIC" Person to have on this site!

[mammaP]

As i approached 27 months off, i realized something.

 

- I was lied to all this time. Things don't get better for some people. There are the few people who dont recover. I am one of them.

- Most things about people's withdrawal that i have read has been a lie. They make out as if they are so bad, but in real life they are actually fine.

- Positive thinking does not help you in this situation

- You are actually just all alone in this situation as no one can really help you

- I have wasted 2.5 years on these sites as it has taught me nothing, it just brought on more pain and suffering

- No amount of reassurance helps

 

 

I am leaving for good. No point in me being on here anymore. I am not recovering at all, i am worse than i was at the beginning. The bare minimal improvements i have seen as been replaced by other, much worse symptoms.

 

This is my 3rd Birthday in this Hell. Thank you GSK and my Doctor for destroying my Soul

 

Good Bye!!!

What is GSK Olivia? Ahhhh just realised, GlaxoSmithKlyne! Should have known that!  

[dalsaan]

This is a site for people who are going through hell. We endeavour to support people to the best of our abilities. We are not miracle workers, nor do we have the magic fix. We offer the best info/insight we can - voluntarily and sometimes at the cost of our own health.

 

I don't appreciate being called a liar and I'm sure others wouldn't either. However, CW, it's not helpful to be reactionary. There are times when I am very frustrated with posters but I walk away. I recommend you take the same approach.

 

Olivia, given how you feel about the support you have been given and the content of this site I think you have made a good decision to leave. This is probably in the best interests of you and the SA community

 

I wish you the best

 

Dalsaan

[Wildflower0214]

Anger makes us sick. We are all in a common position going through this. Division and hatefulness is not healing. This kind of interaction is sad and unfortunate indeed.

[george11]

You can not call people who try to help you liars...................

[bubble]

Friends are not people who tell us what we want to hear, support us when we are doing something that is bad for us or ignore us to avoid confrontation. 

 

Friends are people who tell us the truth about us that we don't want to hear at the expense of dealing with the discomfort of our anger. 

 

This is called tough love. And we are usually grateful to people who showed us what is in our blind spot because only that gives us the opportunity to grow. We are grateful if only in retrospect. 

[NoMeaning25]

Why take such offense because I said that I've been lied to? I have never corresponded with any one of you guys. Ever.

 

This is beyond ridiculous. 

[Altostrata]

Olivia, your post sounded like you were saying we on SurvivingAntidepressants.org have lied to you. It sounded quite accusatory.

 

We work hard, as volunteers, to do our best. We don't lie. We can't foretell the future. We cannot promise you all your problems will be reversed by such and such a date.

 

One thing we do know: Insisting you'll never recover does not in any way assist recovery. We cannot instill hope or confidence in you, you have to do that yourself. Each of us must find his or her own way. Many of us have suffered greatly, and are still suffering, but have seen improvement.

 

I am sorry you feel we've failed you. I don't think we can do anything about that.

[alex]

Olivia:your present thoughts will build your future.

It is up to you what that future is going to be...

I am almost the same time off as you.

I have seen HUGE improvement in the last  months.

I am 61; not young, but maybe my positive attitude has helped me a lot.

The power of the mind and spirit is incredible.

[NoMeaning25]

Alto, i didn't mean SA lied to me. A certain few members lied to me (Really, as i found out some truths later on) i am not English and articulated this completely wrong in my anger. I apologize if i caused an upset.

 

I think the time has come for me to leave. This isn't gaining me anything.

 

Alto, as hard as this is, please lock my thread.

 

Thanks for the support