success ☼ Alex Withdrawal or Relapse?

[Lexy]

It's probably disappointing for you to keep going through this but You've gone through this before and you will get thru this again like you've done so before.

[alex]

I am in a horrible wave of anxiety,suicidal DP, despair, hopelessness...

 

Please help!! How much longer??

[Petunia]

Hang in there Alex, you will get through this one, you have been having good long windows. This wave will pass soon and you will be be feeling better again.

 

I'm also struggling again, back in survival mode, but wanted you to know I'm thinking about you.

[alex]

Thank you Lexy and dear Petu for your encouraging words.

I am so sorry you are going through this hell too.

When the wave hits, I start to wonder if I'll be strong enough to endure this torture...

3+ years and counting.

This forum has gotten so big that it is hard for us the veterans to comunicate.

Please keep in touch.

 

(((HUGS))

[alex]

Negative update I'm afraid.

This has been one bad month.

Awful waves of depression, anxiety,obsessive thoughts of shame and guilt, suicidal.

I am in the middle of a bad wave right now.Very exhausted.

I know I always come up with the same thing bur,how much longer can I endure this torment?

 

Thinking about ending it all has become scary.

I am sorry.

[dalsaan]

Alex,

 

I know its difficult at the time but you have to invest less in your experience.   You have had windows and will do again.  Your have periods of greater functioning and will do again.  These will increase over time, particularly if you don't add stress to your system.   

 

I read back through your thread and you seem very fixated on time - coming up to 3 years off, 3 years + etc.   I think we have all done that at one point but our nervous systems don't have a calendar and building a significant expectation or intense focus on a timeframe can be detrimental to your wellbeing.

 

I know its difficult, you have been strong and continue to be.   Focus on bringing all your amazing strength and capacity to being as gentle on your mind and body as you possibly can be.   Let go of any walls that you beat your head against, explore the 100 little things you can do to soothe yourself/encourage relief and joy.

 

You can do this

 

D

[stan]

Alex,

 

up ---> down..............the next will be up, it is sure, be patient

[alex]

Thank you Dalsaan for your encouraging words.

Stan, merci mon ami.

[Altostrata]

alex, you absolutely must look at your habit of catastrophizing when you hit a bad patch, and learn to manage it.

 

I want you to write down the phone number of your local suicide line and phone them instead of posting about feeling suicidal here. There's very little we can do -- members might not even be online then -- and it makes us feel very bad when we see such posts.

[alex]

alex, you absolutely must look at your habit of catastrophizing when you hit a bad patch, and learn to manage it.

 

I want you to write down the phone number of your local suicide line and phone them instead of posting about feeling suicidal here. There's very little we can do -- members might not even be online then -- and it makes us feel very bad when we see such posts.

 

You are right Altostrata,after all this time in this forum, there is little you can do for me.I know everything about this terrible condition.

And despite the fact you don`t have the most delicate way to say things,I admire you and thank you for keeping your work in this forum.

In the other hand, I really believe that my case is a very serious one, and the awful dark suicidal DP is very real, or feels very real, and I just post here looking for some love and encouraging words.

But you are right again,it is selfish and stupid from me to do so.

As a manner of fact I think I wont be posting anymore.

Thank you.

[Hudgens]

Alex, have you tried simple mindfulness techniques? They have gotten me through many episodes of deep depression. They also help with insomnia.

[divalee]

Alex I read your post.  Trust me I know what you are going through -  did you say you are off 3+ years?  I am off almost 28 months ...

 

Stay strong Alex -  if you do, I will too.....This is a fantastic support group.  I don't think I would make it if it were not for this group.

 

This will end for us Alex - you just wait and see.....Please continue to post.  I know all you want is encouragement and hope from us....I think that is what this forum and other forums are all about.   I am sorry - please don't leave....you come here and we will encourage and help you as much as we can.....

 

xxxxx

[alex]

Thank you my dear friends for your encouraging words.

Yes, we will win this battle at the end.

 

(HUGS)

[alex]

alex, you absolutely must look at your habit of catastrophizing when you hit a bad patch, and learn to manage it.

 

I want you to write down the phone number of your local suicide line and phone them instead of posting about feeling suicidal here. There's very little we can do -- members might not even be online then -- and it makes us feel very bad when we see such posts.

 

I must humbly accept that after all this time, and seeing alot of improvement, I have to learn to manage the waves in a better way.

My personal situation is very bad:I am old, no job,broke, and sick;it is very scary.

And as I've said here, I am a very intense person.I go easily to the extremes.

But although the waves are very bad,horrible in fact, I am in the classic pattern of waves-windows,and SLOWLY improving.

I am sorry and I apologise.

 

God,this is hard!!!

[Pugknows]

Alex, my dear dear friend. This rough patch is, well, ROUGH. Don't feel bad about posting doom and gloom on your thread. It gives the rest of us a chance to give you love and encouragement.

 

I've been going through weird, excruciating waves lately, as well. It is what it is til it isn't. Not very comforting when you're in the middle of the tsunami, but it WILL pass. You will exhale a sigh of relief when it does, and you may never get another wave again. Many of those who have fully recovered said that the worst of all the waves happened just before complete healing. Hold onto that thought. This might be the very last wave you will ever endure.

 

Please don't stop posting, Alex. There are so many of us who look forward to seeing you on this forum and we would wonder about what happened to you if you did not pop back in to say whatever's on your mind, the good, the bad and the ugly. You have so much time under your belt now, you are bound to be very close to 100%.

 

My pompoms are limp and saggy, kind of like my boobs and underarms, but I am waving them in the air for you right now. I'm 62 and that's not an easy thing to do.

 

Love you, Pug

[alex]

Thank you,thank you,thank you, dear Pug.

Thank you for your support, and for making me laugh.

 

I love your pompoms!!! :D I'm 62 too....

 

We will beat this s**t!!

 

(HUGS)

[Pugknows]

Yes we will, sweetheart. YES WE WILL!

[Skyler]

alex, you absolutely must look at your habit of catastrophizing when you hit a bad patch, and learn to manage it.

You are right Altostrata,after all this time in this forum, there is little you can do for me.I know everything about this terrible condition.

And despite the fact you don`t have the most delicate way to say things,I admire you and thank you for keeping your work in this forum.

In the other hand, I really believe that my case is a very serious one, ........  and I just post here looking for some love and encouraging words.

But you are right again,it is selfish and stupid from me to do so.

As a manner of fact I think I wont be posting anymore.

Thank you.

 

 

Alex, my dear dear friend. This rough patch is, well, ROUGH. Don't feel bad about posting doom and gloom on your thread. It gives the rest of us a chance to give you love and encouragement.

 

Please don't stop posting, Alex. There are so many of us who look forward to seeing you on this forum and we would wonder about what happened to you if you did not pop back in to say whatever's on your mind, the good, the bad and the ugly.

 

One thing I have learnt through withdrawal is that investing in drama – any situation that is shot through with heavy emotional investments – has physiological implications.  Drama sits in my body and triggers responses by my nervous system and thus exacerbates or sets off withdrawal symptoms.  Drama is not good for people like us.

 

The drama can be my own, for example when I am catastrophising about something.   Alternatively, it can be someone else’s drama that we buy into. 

 

We have the capacity to manage our investment in drama – we choose what we focus on, invest in, give great significance to etc.  

 

I see people inviting others into drama on this website.   It becomes visible when it becomes a pattern.   The pattern usually looks like this – catastrophic declarations followed by disengagement -a stepping back or silence on the part of the original poster.   The disengagement is the invitation for others to participate in the drama of it all by expressing concern, asking the poster to make contact, questioning what’s happening, sharing their own despair etc.

 

When this happens over and again the original poster is getting something out of it and other members have become complicit in the drama.  This is a form of codependency that is not healthy for the individual participants or the community as a whole.   Healthy support is encouraged, investing in drama and developing codependent relationships is not.

 

Take responsibility for your wellbeing and the wellbeing of this community and think about whether you are investing in drama.  I'm not asking people to deny their suffering but you can acknowledge something without ramping up the intensity by being melodramatic.

 

Dalsaan

 

Posts edited to display some text in red.

[Hudgens]

"Drama" and "Melodrama" are loaded words.

 Alex's suffering is real.

[Altostrata]

I do not discount that people, including alex, are suffering.

 

However, hitting the panic button over and over -- this doesn't help the person's healing and it's bad for the community. It will wear people out.

 

Finding a different way to cope with distress is much more constructive for everyone.

 

If the situation is a real emergency, hot lines or face-to-face counseling should be sought rather than posting alarming messages here. All that does is make everyone feel bad.

[Hudgens]

I get what you are saying. But it's not "drama" or "melodrama", it's real suffering. That kind of language is cold and unsympathetic.

[Pugknows]

The definition of melodrama:

 

1.

a sensational dramatic piece with exaggerated characters and exciting events intended to appeal to the emotions.

 

I don't feel that Alex, or anyone else on this site, intentionally incites any of the forum members for their own pleasure in getting a rise out of stirring up emotions by describing their current situation. I will continue to support everyone who reaches out to me for comfort in their time of need. I certainly get it back from them tenfold.

[Pugknows]

I contacted a suicide hotline in the worst time of my withdrawal. A 20 year old girl told me to go look at some trees. She then told me to walk around my house, pick up an object and look at it.

 

I had a smoke in my backyard and looked at my trees, then I went inside picked up an object, i.e. folded some laundry. Didn't do squat to ease my suicidal ideation, but I got some fresh undies to wear.

[AliG]

 Some times it helps us , Alto.

 

 Pug,  I got put on "hold" !!  LOL !!

 

Hang in there, Alex.  You will be fine.

[LoveandLight]

Lol pug haha

[LoveandLight]

When I've posted in crisis here..people have been so great..I feel like it's the equivalent of having the most caring understanding people around you all squashed in amongst beanbags or something lol

[AliG]

Alex, you know how this works .  Just keep "hanging on " !!!!!    

[alex]

8th day of awful wave of off the charts anxiety, fear,DP.

I hope all this suffering brings me something better.

I wasn`t ok when I had to take Effexor.And I hope I'll be a better human being when this nightmare ends....

I wish it were a melodrama...

[Pugknows]

Alex, you will come out of this with a higher baseline to handle everyday stressors. That's my opinion and I'm sticking to it. Hang on, buddy. You'll be doing fine in the next few days.

 

Love, Pug

[alex]

After 12 days of clear window, I am into another nasty wave of despair,anxiety,exhaustion...

The same pattern I have seen in the last months.

It's like 40% bad days, and 60% good or not so bad days.

But let me tell you, when is bad, is really bad...like right now...

I really need to find meaning and acceptance to go through this terrible moment in my life..

[LexAnger]

Hi Alex,

 

Thanks for updating!

So sorry to hear you are still getting the waves after long time off the poison! It's simply heartbreaking!

 

It's so incredibly taugh with various disabiling symptoms every day with new ones added for me even I'm still on rather high dose with super slow tapering. These drugs messes up our system on such a level and scale so hard to believe.

 

Reading successful stories is one of my strategy to ride out the bad waves. You are definitely very close to the end of this hell and I believe it's the final tune of your system to a completely new and beautiful one.

 

Hang in, you have been a great inspiration to me and thanks for that!

[alex]

Now I know that my case is a hard one.

Steping off from 150mg of Effexor in 3 months was a HUGE mistake.

But, what is done is done.

Still struggling with brutal waves at 38 months off, my REM sleep absolutely destroyed, and my whole life in general severely damaged.

I'm going away from the forum because it isn't of any help for me anymore, and I've seen that my posts create a negative "enviroment" in the site.

I am very grateful with everybody who gave me support and love during this horrible time of my life.

I am gratefull with you too Altostrata,for your important work helping people in this site.I know you are a good compassionate person, the problem is that sometimes you have a very "strange" way to show it.

Maybe, in the future, if I survive, and you let me, I will come back hopefully with a positive beautyful update.

 

Take care and NEVER GIVE UP.

[Lexy]

Yes it is hard to read how bad others are doing while we are midst of wds. I don't update often because it's the same thing day in day out. I do feel we can learn to avoid other people's mistakes and in that you should have some confort. Keep updating please!!

You say you have 40% bad days and 60%goods days. Think positive you have more than half good days!

I wish you the best.

[KarenB]

I've just happened upon your thread now and found it very helpful.  It builds a picture for someone like me who is at the start of tapering Effexor.  It is so important for me to see how people hit the hard times and then get through.  So, I really hope you keep writing here - your story makes a difference to many. 

 

Hugs,
Karen

[alex]

Hello here I am again,after 2 months w/o posting.

Bad news I'm afraid.

An unespected health issue has set me back badly.

I am in a very bad spot here.

I am thinking about giving St. John`s Wort a try.

Any thoughts?

[LexAnger]

Hi Alex,

 

Sorry I ,issued seeing your post earlier.

I'm so sorry you got this setback. I hope you didn't take the SJ wort. You have fought so hard for so long for the freedom, no returns to any of those stuff in my opinion.

 

How are you feeling now?

 

Lex