success ☼ Brassmonkey: Talking about myself

[Santino]

Congratulations Brass

 

You are definitely kicking it. Hope everything goes smooth and ok for you from now on.... Just hang on some more weeks.... It is not any more This Tooo shall pass... it has already passed... :-)

[aberdeen]

Not long now Brass! Keep it slow!

[nz11]

Cant wait ...have you set a date?

You are a legend alright.

Just amazing what you have done.

Thats right i forgot we have the same birthdays

[brassmonkey]

Thank you everyone for the kudos and encouragement.  It is wonderful to know that so many are so concerned.

 

NZ11 I will admit that I have commitment issues, so no date has been set, but you should see the dress I've picked out, it's gorgeous. LOL

 

Well, another very busy weekend. We're coming into the final stretch on both the Haunt and the Remodel so there's a lot to do.  We did most of the heavy construction for the Carnival Midway, now we have to do the decorating. Got the maze up to about 85% so that's right on schedule.  The new windows and door have been installed.  The electrician comes on Wednesday for three days work and I have to cut a big trench in the concrete foundation before he gets here.  That's my last big contribution though, from here on I'm more of a supervisor and a lot less worker.

 

I've been very tired the last few weeks, (I wonder why) and had several days of mild depression. I could feel it come on and then lift a couple of days later.  Couldn't tie it to anything and just rode it out.

 

Hope everyone is doing well.

[mustangwoman]

So glad that you're doing so well!

[elbee]

Thanks for the update, Brass . . . AWESOME!

[brassmonkey]

Totally in the thick of it with the remodel. Workers coming and going all day long.  I've been putting in 14 hour days for a couple of weeks now. Have to keep an eye on them all day, answer questions, coordinate things etc, and then once they're gone, get things ready for the next day.  I figure that next spring I will finally feel that I've actually retired.  So far things are going pretty well.

[mattage]

I'm glad things are going well for you Brassmonkey!

[brassmonkey]

So on top of it all our internet is out.  The phone lines are totally dead, no static, no dial tone, no nothing.  I found out yesterday it's possible to use my cellphone as a wifi hotspot.  So that's how I'm working now.  The electricians are coming back this morning to fix some stuff that went wrong with their install last week.  Nothing major, just a pain that they have to come back.  The drywaller/painter is having to extend by a couple of days because he really underestimated the amount he had to do.  We have a written estimate so it shouldn't cost any more.  I'm just hoping we can get everything done before we have to leave town in the middle of November.

 

Had a good bit of frustration/anger yesterday morning.  Didn't handle it well but it blew over in an hour or so. Kitchen remodels rank very high on the life stress scale, throw in scheduling for setting up the haunt and the general mess and it all came to a head.  Can't blame it on WD it's all up to life situations.

[LexAnger]

So great hearing your continuous wellbeing as always!

Yeah, those are the normal life stress situation as I recall when I did the how hole house remodeling last year. On the other hand, it can be a great distraction. I actually enjoyed having many contractors ( up to 10 at one point) running around with loud music on. I felt the most life in the house of a single woman-lol.

[AliG]

Hey Brass. I'm sorry you've had the aggravation but please reveal what  " didn't handle it well " means. Just curious as one who still struggles with neuro - emotions at times.  How do you manage them ? Have you mastered this yet ?

Hugs,

Ali

[brassmonkey]

Hi Ali-- I've been working for many years to master control of my anger and for the most part have done very well.  Spontaneous Outbursts of Violent Anger were the reason I went on Paxil in the first place all those years ago. The drugs helped at first but were not the answer I needed. Since that time I have done a huge amount of personal work, learned coping strategies and the like. So outbursts like today's' are few and far between. It came down to several minutes of raised voice, vehement proclamations aimed at the situation and various people involved but not present.  I've felt it growing over the past several days but have been too tired and hemmed in to try and stem the flow.  ATM it was just easier to go with the anger than to try and dispel it.  I really hate when it gets to that point because it means that I'm mentally drained and not exhibiting any control. If I weren't in "safe" surroundings I probably would have scraped together enough mental energy to control things, but all that would have done was delay the inevitable.  It really is a build up of chemicals that need a release and catharsis and all the mental gymnastics to control it only help for a short time.  If the situation had been such that I could have walked away for a while, things could have been dispelled and the situation avoided. But that's physically not the case with all the disruption going on right now.

 

One of the major keys to handling my anger and almost any emotion is to be able to identify the triggers and thought patterns involved.  Somewhere in the last several pages there is a long post about what I refer to as the "Anger Spiral", which contains a lot about my strategy for identifying and disarming those patterns.  The principles can be applied to a variety of situations, not just emotional upsets.  Just understanding the principles can gain a person a lot but perfecting the fine points takes a lot of time, trial and error, and patience.  But it is well worth the effort.

[Shep]

Tom, your thread has been so helpful to me and many, many members. I really appreciate the way you carefully, mindfully, and beautifully articulate your experiences.

 

I have used your Anger Spiral information to help with symptoms such as anxiety, catastrophic thinking, and even paranoid thoughts because if these thoughts can be caught early enough, they are much smaller monsters to battle. And many of these thoughts can be reduced and brought down to thoughts that are bite-sized and manageable and the crisis state avoided.

 

This is one of my favorite posts of yours about the anger spiral, a post that I have referred many people to:

 

http://survivingantidepressants.org/index.php?/topic/3458-brassmonkey-talking-about-myself/?p=229162

 

I have practiced these techniques over and over. However, I have had many set backs along the way. And I really believe these set backs have been opportunities to learn more, to become stronger, and to add more to my arsenal of ammunition to battle even bigger monsters in the future.

 

I hope things settle down with the renovations and your able to surround yourself with peace and quiet, which is so very important during withdrawal, when we can manage to find it. 

 

Thanks for sharing all that you have learned and teaching us how to use these techniques for all sorts of symptoms. 

 

Sending healing vibes your way. And {{{{HUGS!!!}}}}

 

 

 

 

[brassmonkey]

Thank you Shep. Some times I feel like I'm being pretty self centered when I post, but I know that teaching by example is the most powerful way to get this information across, and it's hard won lessons that need shared.  I'm so glad that the techniques are helping you.

 

Another time that these techniques are very helpful is stopping panic attacks. Some of the panic we deal with is of the neuro variety and there isn't much we can do about it but ride it out.  However, the vast majority is self induced or self perpetuated. A lot of peoples first reaction to a palpitation or sudden sinking feeling in the chest or stomach is " oh no, I getting a panic attack!!!!!". That momentary acknowledgement is enough to set off a Panic Spiral that can self perpetuate for days. All from a momentary sensation that would have been over in under a minute.  Learning to recognize the sensations and quickly accept them for what they are and go so far as to D.A.R.E them will quickly derail the situation and stop the panic attack in its tracks.

 

Right this moment I have a bit of tightness in my chest. It is giving small hot flashes and causing me to notice I'm having trouble breathing. It's a very normal sensation I get a few times a day caused by dust in the air triggering the chronic bronchitis I've had since I was a kid combined with situational stress..  It also feels exactly like the start of a panic situation.  This is something I have learned to recognize and a few deep breaths, relaxing my chest and shoulders and the Panic Spiral is averted.  But it could very easily go the other way all due to the reaction it's given. After a while, with practice it ll becomes second nature.

 

Thanks for the healing vibes.

 

((((((((((((((((((((HUGS)))))))))))))))))

[mustangwoman]

The anger spiral.  I know what you mean.  It's a difficult thing.  Sounds like you are doing the right things and you will be fine.     ((((((((Hugs)))))))).  As always you are an inspiration to so very many!

[Redsox31]

Brassmonkey- you commented on my post the other day and I'm so thankful you did. I'm trying to get stabilized on 30mg Paxil so I can start to taper. Do your WD ever go away while tapering? Do they last for a certain amount of time and then go away and then you drop another dose and they come back and then go away etc? Just trying to get myself prepared. Thanks and hope you are doing well

[brassmonkey]

Hi RedSox-- thanks for dropping in. Good questions with a not so easy answer.  There is a concept referred to as "WDnromal" that is a good starting place to understand this.  Go back a couple of pager to page 23 and find post 807.  It gives a good description of what goes on.

[AliG]

Brass. Thank you for taking the time to answer in such a concise and eloquent manner.     I'm in agreement that sometimes it can feel " chemical " and mental gymnastics to control it can sometimes only help for a short time however that's not to say we shouldn't keep working to identify the triggers and thought patterns involved in this pattern. 

 

I have found that like anything / everything in withdrawal , it takes time, patience and practice to master the skill. Sigh ...

 

It's helpful that you have already walked down this road and can share your experience. It's great that you have a handle on it and I'm sure it can only improve with time. I'm making strides forward but it's a sticking point for me that's not fully resolved yet. I'm hoping ... in time.

 

Hugs,

Ali

[brassmonkey]

Hi Ali--  once I was able to start identifying the spiral pattern and the triggers it all started to fall into place.  Then it was a matter of catching the pattern before it got out of control and establishing a new reaction to them.  At first it took some real doing to catch the triggers and step in with the new thought patterns but with practice it got easier.  The triggers tend to be very repetitious, some people refer to them as "hot buttons".  These buttons seem to get pushed in similar situations, so identifying the situations can help foresee the triggers.  Sometimes just altering the situation can derail the trigger.

 

One of the managers I use to work with had a habit of trying to undermine me by calling in to question something that I had been designed and implemented and was working well, but one of the craftsmen was having trouble with.  This would happen about every nine months like clockwork. There would be large confrontations upper management would get involved and it would be a big mess for several days, until I would be exonerated and things would settle down. The entire situation would always trip off a very bad anger spiral for me. It took this happening four or five times until I started to recognize the signs leading up to it.  Finally one day I could sense the "show down" starting to happen, I held up my hand and said " I'm just walking away", turned and left.  I realized it was better to be rude than to start yet another useless fight and cause myself days of grief fighting the resulting anger spiral.  There was still a small spiral to contend with, but derailing the main trigger made it much easier to handle.

 

It wasn't the situation in itself that was the real problem.  It was my handling it badly because of the anger spiral.  Because the situation played out over several days it allowed a lot of in between time for the spiral to really get out of control.  That would drag in every rumination my mind could come up with and compound things left and right until I was angry about anything and everything. It takes a lot of mental and physical energy to maintain that type of anger.  In the beginning it was exhaustion that would finally break the spiral, but as I perfected the new thought patterns it became easier and easier to gain control.

 

I'm not quite sure where I'm going with all this, but thought I'd throw it out there.

[brassmonkey]

Well I was scheduled to drop a couple of days ago and totally missed it. So I went ahead and did it today.  I took a cut to 3mgpw which makes 0.24mgia.  Lots of fun trying to weigh it out. I have to weigh 9mgpw and visually divide it in thirds.  No the most accurate way to do it but it was a 25% cut and the dose is so tiny I don't think it will make much difference.   Making huge percentage cuts at the very end of a taper is inevitable with dry cutting because of the limitations of the scales and such.

 

Things have quieted down to a dull roar IRL.  Most of the physical stuff is now up to the work crews on the remodel.  But having them in the house makes it hard to get out to buy the last bi of supplies so it leads for a lot of 16 hour days.  Plus having to get up early to let them in.  The painters should be finishing up today and the cabinet installers start the first of the week. A couple of big last minute changes have been causing excitement, but they're all settling down.

 

This is the last weekend for setting up the haunt.  Balancing it with the remodel has been a challenge, but it's just about ready too. Thank god for check lists, I'd never be able to keep it all straight otherwise.

[aberdeen]

Yes it gets weird at the end with a scale doesnt it? Pretty soon it wont matter, you'll be done! Almost there!

[Shep]

Well I was scheduled to drop a couple of days ago and totally missed it.

 

Sounds like you're not obsessing over withdrawal symptoms, which is great! 

 

 

 

This is the last weekend for setting up the haunt.  Balancing it with the remodel has been a challenge, but it's just about ready too. Thank god for check lists, I'd never be able to keep it all straight otherwise.

 

 

I'm not sure what a "haunt" is, but it sounds scary. Your CNS must be doing really well.

 

Sending healing vibes your way. I'm glad you're doing so well and getting so much done IRL. 

[aberdeen]

I give you credit. I was just telling someone im still not totally ok with halloween gore. Not like I used to be. Its almost too dark for me now, being as my mind knows true dark, it doesnt even want to pretend. Its only severed bloody decor at my own house,I dont want to see... everything and everywhere else is ok,lol.

[AliG]

 Hi Tom:

Hi Ali--  once I was able to start identifying the spiral pattern and the triggers it all started to fall into place.  Then it was a matter of catching the pattern before it got out of control and establishing a new reaction to them.  At first it took some real doing to catch the triggers and step in with the new thought patterns but with practice it got easier.  The triggers tend to be very repetitious, some people refer to them as "hot buttons".  These buttons seem to get pushed in similar situations, so identifying the situations can help foresee the triggers.  Sometimes just altering the situation can derail the trigger.

 

One of the managers I use to work with had a habit of trying to undermine me by calling in to question something that I had been designed and implemented and was working well, but one of the craftsmen was having trouble with.  This would happen about every nine months like clockwork. There would be large confrontations upper management would get involved and it would be a big mess for several days, until I would be exonerated and things would settle down. The entire situation would always trip off a very bad anger spiral for me. It took this happening four or five times until I started to recognize the signs leading up to it.  Finally one day I could sense the "show down" starting to happen, I held up my hand and said " I'm just walking away", turned and left.  I realized it was better to be rude than to start yet another useless fight and cause myself days of grief fighting the resulting anger spiral.  There was still a small spiral to contend with, but derailing the main trigger made it much easier to handle.

 

It wasn't the situation in itself that was the real problem.  It was my handling it badly because of the anger spiral.  Because the situation played out over several days it allowed a lot of in between time for the spiral to really get out of control.  That would drag in every rumination my mind could come up with and compound things left and right until I was angry about anything and everything. It takes a lot of mental and physical energy to maintain that type of anger.  In the beginning it was exhaustion that would finally break the spiral, but as I perfected the new thought patterns it became easier and easier to gain control.

 

I'm not quite sure where I'm going with all this, but thought I'd throw it out there.

Thanks Tom. Awesome . You are a wise owl. Thank you so much. 

Ali

[brassmonkey]

We don't go for the gore, we stick to spooky, creepy and a good scare in a safe place. More old school with jack-o-lanterns and ghosts.  Neither of us like the gore stuff.  Trying to get the Haunt done in time and deal with the remodel is really taking a lot of time.  We've been working 16-18 hours a day to get it all done. Exhausting, but still remaining rather fun.  Spent all last night making a circus costume for a skeleton horse.  Lots of feathers and gold bling, looks great.  Have been having scheduling problems with the cabinet installers so that has been pushed off a couple of weeks. Which really helps in the overall scheme of things.  Takes off some of the pressure to get supplies bought, and frees up a lot of space for when the hordes descend over the weekend. It will make it tight for getting out the door to leave for Cleveland the middle of the month, and we will have to be scheduling various installations to happen during our "layovers" between trips for the next few months.

 

Starting my second week at this dose and really not feeling a thing, as in WD.

[gigi63]

Hi Brassmonkey. It's TripleM. Just reading through your latest threads. You are getting so close. I congratulate you and am so happy for you. I am still working to good and steady from my RI. Been six months but not there yet. Still too obvious in regard to waves and Windows so based on what you told me a couple of months ago, I do not believe I am at WDnormal. I know you told me it takes some six months or longer and I am one of them. I am not in a hurry. Waiting for good and steady is very important to me. It is improving. AliG told me once to listen to my body, well I am becoming very good at this. You are wise and helpful to me and so many on this site and I thank you.

[brassmonkey]

I just posted this for Shep and wanted to share it here too.

 

That's one of the great things about meditations and calming exercises. They can run in the background and work with out our even knowing it. I'm glad it worked so well for you.

 

Here's something you might try.  Select a favorite meditation for relaxation, preferably one that is more words than images and music, but images and words are alright to have. Also it's best not to choose one that puts you to sleep.  Pick a quiet time when you won't be disturbed. Just before you play the meditation repeat out loud the following key phrase, "I need to relax, I want to relax, I will start to relax by taking a deep breath."  Take that deep breath and as you let it out let as much tension as you can drop from your body and start the recording. Don't try any harder than usual, just let the meditation wash over you and enjoy it.

 

You'll need to do this five or six times over several weeks. This will set up an association between the key phrase and the meditation in your sub conscience mind. So later on when you need to relax you repeat the key phrase and do the actions of the deep breath and dropping the tension, and you will trigger the meditation to play in your sub conscience mind while you go about your daily tasks.  I did this almost 40 years ago and it still works very well today.

[brassmonkey]

We open the Haunted House tonight. Just a few more small things to do and everything is set. It's always exhausting getting to this point, but once the crowd starts to show up it's all so worth it.  If it hadn't been for doing the remodel at the same time, getting set up would have been a lot easier.  As it is, things went a lot smoother then in years past.  The weather forecast is for rain this afternoon, with any luck things will clear by this evening.

[Shep]

I'm living vicariously, Tom, so thanks for sharing. 

 

Happy Halloween! I hope all goes well with the Haunted House. 

 

[brassmonkey]

Opening night went very well. We had just under 500 guests, which is excellent for the non holiday night. Have a small list of repairs to make before tomorrow night, we got the big items out of the way this morning so the rest of the list shouldn't be a problem. Might actually get to bed on time tonight.

[elbee]

So much fun. It sounds like you really enjoy putting this on and go all out. When I previously had my house I used to decorate the front courtyard area as a graveyard. The kids really loved it (adults too I think!) which brought me a lot of joy. 

 

Congrats on finding joy!

[AmyK]

Almost 500! That's great, Tom.

[brassmonkey]

The big night went really well.  We got everything fixed the day before so were able to relax a bit before opening, which never happens.  The crowd ( just under 800) was well behaved and really got into the whole atmosphere.  Several cast members ended up being sick so we were short handed, still it all worked out really well.  All in all a really good Halloween.

[AliG]

Hey Tom. I'm so glad it went well. You must be relieved. It sounded like a lot of work but it must be a lot of fun , also.  Did you say you were going on a holiday , now ?

Maybe, time to relax a bit ? Keep us posted.

Hugs,

Ali

[brassmonkey]

Hi Ali-- thanks for dropping in, always nice to hear from you.  Several holidays in fact.  We leave for Cleveland in a couple of weeks for Thanksgiving with Monica's family. Then two week home and off to the UK for a couple of weeks around Christmas. Back home for a few weeks and then off to Kenya on safari in January.  There's a lot to do before we leave, getting the Haunt stuff out of the front yard and finishing off the remodel. The remodel is turning into an epic story in itself, maybe I'll write more on that later.  Right now all I can think is HOLIDAY here it come.

[AliG]

Wow. I'm so envious. My daughter is living in the UK and I've always wanted to go on Safari.    I've done quite a bit of traveling in the past but I'm eager to have some more adventures very soon.  I must be better. LOL.    It all sounds wonderful. I can understand you being eager to be off and away. I'm sure you will be before you know it.

I hope you have the most magnificent time.

Ali