mindbend Through ups and downs without SSRI

[mindbend]

So here is my story, today I am feeling a little positive after weeks of being convinced that I would never feel like myself again.

 

I quit cold turkey after 5+ years of being on escitalopram for mild anxiety (slight obsessiveness on negative thoughts). I could testify that the SSRI worked for me, it gave my mind the break that the prescribing doctor talked about although I wish I used those years to learn to cope with the inevitable process of dealing with everyday stresses and anxiety inducing triggers. Yes, I did go through a more than normal stressful period but my problems didn't disappear and some people manage to go through extreme situations with a lot of grace, so I know I shouldn't have expected a fix it all solution and get my hands dirty so to speak to deal with my own problems.

 

After developing extreme nausea attacks resulting in several emergency hospital visits, I decided to come off everything that could be contributing to these attacks. The psychiatrists advise was to supplement the SSRI with Xanax during times of extreme anxiety which I believed was helping at first until I went through a horrible ordeal of non-stop purging which the xanax couldn't stop.

 

All medication stopped including contraceptives, I found it very hard to eat and be comfortable around food for the first 2 weeks. Also went through periods of fatigue, vertigo, crying easily, occasional brain zaps (admittedly nowhere near as bad as some people report, wasn't even aware at the time this was common through withdrawal) then I felt great for the next 2-4 weeks, better than ever, my energy levels were great so was my concentration. After a month of no medication, I started getting anxiety, worsened by a couple of health scares (with ongoing testing atm), this made me plunge into a very dark place, one that I have never been in for the next 2 months. I felt badly equipped to deal with life in general and truthfully could hardly see a point in trying.

 

Meanwhile, I kept seeing my psychiatrist, who recommended mirtazapine (which he insists is not an offensive drug) for my diminished appetite but after a little research on it, I couldn't risk feeling tired and groggy all the time which would have just further contribute to the depression. After the 3 month mark, the night times started getting better as I could feel a little relaxation and some clouds parting, interestingly the moment I hit the bed, I start feeling hungry. I try to see this as progress as little as it may be but at least there are moments where I don't completely feel disconnected from life.

 

Today, after my regular visit to the psychiatrist, he kindly told me off for not accepting medication, the only way in which he could help me. His reasoning is that I am not chemically supported at the moment. What I am baffled with is that they study all those years to only act as a drug dispenser, I was there maybe for the wrong reasons of wanting some reassurance on my progress but when they don't even consider that what you are going through may be the result of long term AD use, this is pointless. I have made healthier life style changes lately, started yoga, got in touch with a therapist, started following mindfulness techniques, etc...for someone overseeing my recovery, I wanted to let him be informed totally so he could advise me accordingly. It seems that generally we receive no to little compassion for toughing it out and trying to make more informed decisions. For the first time in months, I feel a little anger thanks to him which is ironically a pleasant change from the constant sadness I had been feeling.

 

I feel that they should all spend some time on the forums and realize it is not a coincidence that so many people suffer from similar symptoms. It is more than likely that some of us are probably going through depression and anxiety issues perhaps unrelated to withdrawal but without even acknowledging the possibility of withdrawal, how can they differentiate and offer us the most informed solution?

 

I welcome any positive progress as you probably do too, I am hoping and wishing for all of us that they become more consistent. Even though it is scary to know things might not get better as quickly as we desperately need, it is good to see the light at the end of the tunnel even if it is through someone else's eyes!

[Altostrata]

Welcome, mindbend. Thank you for posting your Intro.

 

When did you go off escitalopram completely?

 

I wonder if escitalopram was the culprit for your illness, or if it was a conflict with some other drug you were taking.

[peggy]

welcome mindbend

 

sounds like you have a lot of insight and determination. I am sure you will do well, you have made some good lifestyle changes which will aid your recovery.

[basildev]

Hi Mindbend,

 

Welcome to the forum.

 

There are lots of supportive people here who will inform and inspire you.

 

Good luck with your taper.

[mindbend]

Thank you all for a warm welcome.

 

I stopped cold turkey (not the best idea I had but I became extremely terrified of throwing up)in mid September after 2 years of occasional nausea attacks that would have me purge non-stop for a day even with the IV and anti-nausea medication, following with sensitivity towards seeing any kind of food for the coming days. This was quite uncharacteristic because I have always enjoyed a healthy relationship with food. I stopped everything that could possibly contribute to it, never been much of a drinker but this included alcohol, caffeine, contraceptives, even sugar in an attempt to start making healthier life choices that would aid in my recovery.

 

I don't completely attribute these attacks to the SSRI as I cannot be sure what the main culprit was but interestingly I cannot even tolerate a low dose benzodiazepine anymore such as Xanax without feeling sick. Naively I was trying to get rid of one symptom without taking into account the anxiety I could be feeling once I discontinued the AD. As I was celebrating my triumph over nausea, I was taken back with the constant heart palpitations, dizziness, lack of concentration, raised heart beat, feelings of impending doom. For me the vertigo and brain zaps didn't last more than a couple of days so I thought I was out of the woods. Also I enjoyed the need for less sleep and early burst of energy for the first few weeks of discontinuation. Before ever going on medication, I used to entertain not persistent negative thoughts that would come and go without much disruption to my daily life, but this past few weeks, I couldn't tune into anything positive, started feeling completely out of my element almost to the extent that I believed my character has changed for good.

 

They refer to depression as the blues but to me this was a colourless dark place where there was no joy, no pleasure, no purpose, no will to carry on just plain misery as if someone turned off a switch in my mind. I couldn't feel a connection with life. I was ready to go back to the medication until reading others reporting a relapse within months of stopping and also the latest research on tardive dysphoria. I understand that doctors are trying to help and they are not forcing us to take these medications but I used to place a lot more trust on their knowledge and follow their advice blindly. Noone ever speaks of the side effects, let alone speaking about the withdrawal symptoms because to them they don't exist. I don't know if my anxiety issues warranted 5+ years of continuous use, I was never informed about how long I had to be on meds and it was so easy to get a prescription. Different doctors didn't even question why I was taking them, they only refilled without blinking, finally my dose was upped when I complained about the nausea and I was also presented with my new prescription of Xanax because I was completely traumatized from these attacks. I think they can help many people in a crisis situation but they shouldn't be a solution to any unwanted feeling because we can never be prepared for what comes after continuous use.

 

It is mainly still tough but I am getting to sleep easier, the morning anxiety rush is easing up slightly and I can force myself to eat even though I don't crave food so mirtazapine can wait until my doctor can testify from personal experience that it is not going to be offensive as he says because otherwise people's own struggles trump any claims the pharmaceutical companies are making. I am still scared that tomorrow I might feel down again but whilst I have a bit of positivity, I am trying to remind myself that I only have to deal with today and will see what happens tomorrow. All I can say is I am grateful for a day like this where I can share and receive support, doing this a couple of days ago seemed futile.

[Altostrata]

I used to call it the black holes.

 

Apparently Xanax is a powerful antagonist of a digestive hormone see http://survivingantidepressants.org/index.php?/topic/2743-benzos-and-gut-problems/

 

Also see http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Cholecystokinin

 

I wonder if Xanax somehow threw your system off.

 

FSA prescribing info for Xanax http://www.drugs.com/pro/xanax.html

 

Nausea/vomiting has been reported as an adverse effect.

[Jemima]

Welcome to the forum, mindbend. You'll find lots of good information here and friendly support.

 

It is mainly still tough but I am getting to sleep easier, the morning anxiety rush is easing up slightly and I can force myself to eat even though I don't crave food so mirtazapine can wait until my doctor can testify from personal experience that it is not going to be offensive as he says because otherwise people's own struggles trump any claims the pharmaceutical companies are making. I am still scared that tomorrow I might feel down again but whilst I have a bit of positivity, I am trying to remind myself that I only have to deal with today and will see what happens tomorrow. All I can say is I am grateful for a day like this where I can share and receive support, doing this a couple of days ago seemed futile.

 

Mirtazapine seems a really odd choice for treating stomach problems. It's an antidepressant and is as difficult to withdraw from as the SSRI antidepressants, although it is chemically different. It's often prescribed for sleep.

 

I was on it for about four months and got off because it made me feel like I had the 'flu all the time. I got off in about a month with no problems, but I think that was because I was also on Pristiq 50 mg. which made me both numb and hyperactive.

 

There are several members of this forum who are tapering off mirtazapine and finding it quite difficult. You'll bump into them as you continue to post and read about others' journeys.

 

I also wanted to point out the collection of articles on sleep problems, especially those dealing with "Reducing Cortisol, the Anxiety Hormone" under

 

http://survivingantidepressants.org/index.php?/topic/604-important-topics-about-symptoms-including-sleep-problems/

 

I had awful insomnia and early morning irritability when I first got off of Lexapro. Darkening the bedroom as much as possible and wearing a sleep mask helped immensely. Once I was able to sleep, other withdrawal symptoms began to clear up. I even wore sunglasses in the house on sunny days for a few weeks - it helped! Dimming the computer screen also helps, especially if you're using it after dark.

 

Again, welcome. This forum was an enormous help to me when I went into withdrawal and I hope you find it to be the same for you.

[dalsaan]

Hi mindbend

 

I am on mirtazapine and having difficulty coming off it. It does make you very hungry and crave carbs. I put on a lot of weight on it. Also it does help with sleep as its a potent antihistamine

The sleep effect wears off and I believe that taking it has disturbed my natural sleep pattern so that insomnia is a real issue for me in withdrawal. I also think the long term use has eaten my memory.

 

I never wanted/needed to be on it for this long but I can't get off it. I hae to taper very slowly. Many docs think mirtazapine is inoffensive. It's not.

 

If you can I recommend focussing on more natural supplements - fish oil magnesium possibly taurine and mindfulness meditation gentle exercise etc

 

I wish you all the best

 

Dalsaan

[mindbend]

Altostrata - black hole is more like it. I wasn't on xanax when the nausea was an issue, it was supposed to help out with it by controlling the anxiety I got when I started feeling sick. At first I thought it did, but I had a horrible attack in a closed space lasting longer than 4 hours, and even though I felt sedated with the xanax it wouldn't stop. At that point, I realized it wasn't the solution.

 

The mornings can be quite disheartening, I don't wake up in sheer panic like I used to a couple of weeks ago but the feeling of my heart sinking is still there. It takes me longer to get up too, even though I awake early, I almost try to go back to sleep to wake up feeling better but the longer I spend in bed, the worse it gets, so I try to push myself out of it. Jemima, I did find darkening the room helpful - I'd be more interested to read up on cortisol as well. When I was first coming off the meds, I tried over the counter sleeping pills which did help me with falling asleep, I slowly replaced them with drinking Valeriana or Passionflower tea. I notice it takes longer to get to sleep if I miss my tea. Also during the day, I am trying to drink camomile tea to help me relax.

 

dalsaan I lost quite a bit of weight after stopping the SSRI, I became quite worried because of that. I take a supplement with B vitamins and magnesium at the moment, I also tried Saint John's Wort which surprisingly helped at first, I felt calmer the same way xanax made me feel but I didn't continue as I didn't feel its effects continuously.

 

I force myself to do yoga, even though I want to cry each time I am attending a class, I feel lighter afterwards so it is worth it. The yoga instructor said 'how are you meant to deal with the difficulties of the outside world if you cannot strengthen your spirit to get through uncomfortable sensations in your body when you are doing the exercises' There, he outlined my problem, so far I relied on the antidepressants when things felt less than desirable.

 

Mindfulness is helping me learn patience, bit by bit but I find it difficult to practice it daily.

[Skyler]

I force myself to do yoga, even though I want to cry each time I am attending a class, I feel lighter afterwards so it is worth it. The yoga instructor said 'how are you meant to deal with the difficulties of the outside world if you cannot strengthen your spirit to get through uncomfortable sensations in your body when you are doing the exercises' There, he outlined my problem, so far I relied on the antidepressants when things felt less than desirable.

 

Mindfulness is helping me learn patience, bit by bit but I find it difficult to practice it daily.

Your yoga teacher sounds very good. What he is teaching you is a type of mindfulness. I have much difficulty practicing mindfulness 'proper'. Have you tried using a guided meditation script, such as the Leaves on a Stream?

[mindbend]

Your yoga teacher sounds very good.

Each session I go to is with a different instructor but granted he is my favourite - he seems to get it. His class is kundalini and the others are hatha so although there isn't as much movement as in the other classes, I find it the most challenging.

 

I dig up things by Jon Kabat-Zinn and try to follow them but it is not easy for me either. I am accepting that it is not meant to be especially when I am so ready to judge myself on any progress. I will look up your suggestion, is it any good?

 

I also noticed I cannot practice when I feel very depressed, so I try to read or listen to something on mindfulness at those periods. The teachings are almost common-sense that we have lost touch with.

[Skyler]

I also noticed I cannot practice when I feel very depressed, so I try to read or listen to something on mindfulness at those periods. The teachings are almost common-sense that we have lost touch with.

 

I will look up your suggestion, is it any good?

Yup, mindfulness can be very simple. But sometimes, when one is depressed, mindfulness may not be the way to go. You don't want to inadvertently isolate.

 

LOL... I think so! Would not have made it otherwise. You don't need to look it up though, just click on the link.

[strawberry17]

Welcome to the forums Mindbend, I love your choice of name. I have recently started Mindfulness myself and finding it beneficial, but in the introductory book I read it did specifically say not to start it when you're deeply depressed. Might be best to wait until you feel like you're in a better place.

 

Morning anxiety is the pits, I get it as well quite often and I find the best way to tackle it is to stick to a fairly strict sleep routine and not to lie there wallowing in the morning, but to get up and at em, have you heard that saying "the best way out is through"? I think that's how I feel about it.

 

It does as though you're generally going in the right direction with waves of improvement, it's just hard to see it sometimes isn't it? you'll get there!

[mindbend]

strawberry17 The nick was inspired by Jason Mraz, in one of his songs, it says 'We had to learn how to bend without the world caving in' - he spoke of my mind!

 

Yes, I will try to get out of bed as I awake, tossing and turning, wishing for an easier start to the day makes it worse.

 

Misery trumps feelings of progress very readily. I have to be reminded that there is some positive development otherwise I too frequently ask the question of 'what is wrong with me', so I do thank all of you for reminding me, I hope I can do the same for you if you ever forget that it does get better.

 

I couldn't have shared with you just a few weeks ago where all I wanted to do was disappear.

[mindbend]

have you heard that saying "the best way out is through"? I think that's how I feel about it.

 

Well said! Heard Churchill's version..."When you are going through hell, keep going". It has been my motto lately!

[Altostrata]

Some of us have found keeping the bedroom very dark with blackout shades or curtains and using sleep masks reduces the morning anxiety, an exaggeration of the natural cortisol peak which is triggered by early morning light.

[mindbend]

I have an update:

 

Today I had an appointment with an MD (not my psychiatrist) to review my test results for joint pain. The frequent hospital visits in the past couple of months have been augmenting the anxiety I have been feeling from the withdrawal. This particular doctor was the last on the list of doctors I visited, he had been more caring than most and I believe with very good intentions he suggested that I use Deanxit as he noticed I was stressed. I explained that I was coming off escitalopram and that I am beginning to deal with it better (pointing to my smile however forced it was) and he reassured me that this was not as strong as the SSRIs and that I can take upto 3 times a day although I would only need to take one and see him in about 2 months to start tapering (very slowly he stressed). He advised to stop any anxiety as all it would do is cause more health problems.

 

Secretly, I wished (there it goes again, the search for reassurance and a quick fix) that what he suggested would be just the thing to help me. Below are apparently some of the side effects:

 

Abnormal movements, anxiety, black tongue, blurred vision, breast development in males, breast enlargement, coma, confusion, constipation, delusions, diarrhea, difficult or frequent urination, difficulty in speech, dilation of pupils, disorientation, disturbed concentration, dizziness on getting up, dizziness or light-headedness, drowsiness, dry mouth, excessive or spontaneous flow of milk, excitement, fatigue, fluid retention, hair loss, hallucinations, headache, heart attack, hepatitis, high blood pressure, high fever, high or low blood sugar, hives, impotence, inability to sleep, increased or decreased sex drive, increased perspiration, increased pressure within the eye, inflammation of the mouth, intestinal obstruction, irregular heartbeat, lack or loss of coordination, loss of appetite, low blood pressure, nausea, nightmares, numbness, rapid and/or fast, fluttery heartbeat, rash, red or purple spots on skin, restlessness, ringing in the ears, seizures, sensitivity to light, stomach upset, strange taste, stroke, swelling due to fluid retention in the face and tongue, swelling of testicles, swollen glands, tingling and pins and needles in the arms and legs, tremors, vomiting, weakness, weight gain or loss, yellowed eyes and skin, headache, nausea, vague feeling of bodily discomfort. Older adults may have certain side effects, including rapid heartbeat, constipation, dry mouth, blurred vision, sedation, and confusion, and are in greater danger of sustaining a fall.

Oh boy, I am speechless! Anyone has an experience with this miracle drug?

[strawberry17]

Just googled it as I'd never heard of it, it's a tricyclic, I was offered a tricyclic last week (have I spelt tricyclic right?!). They just don't give up do they?

[mindbend]

Just googled it as I'd never heard of it, it's a tricyclic, I was offered a tricyclic last week (have I spelt tricyclic right?!). They just don't give up do they?

 

It is like a bidding war. They vouch for these meds as if they are getting a commission on each pill sold. I had to google it too. What scares me is that the general consensus is that I should be on some kind of medication. I am doing fairly better, at least I don't feel like crying when someone asks how I am doing. Granted I don't feel all that stable but I wonder how much good it could do if I start on something new especially with those side-effects.

[Altostrata]

Wikipedia http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Flupentixol/melitracen

Flupentixol/melitracen (trade name Deanxit, Anxidreg) is a combination of two psycho-active agents which has antidepressant properties. This drug should be taken within bounds if allowed by a specialist. It is designed for short term usage only.

 

....

Deanxit is a tricyclic antidepressant (TCA). TCA agents are predominantly serotonin and/or norepinephrine reuptake inhibitors.

Drugs.com info http://www.drugs.com/international/deanxit.html

 

Wikipedia on Flupentixol en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Flupentixol

Flupentixol (INN), also known as flupenthixol (former BAN), marketed under brand names such as Depixol and Fluanxol, is a typical antipsychotic drug of the thioxanthene class. In addition to single drug preparations, it is also available as Anxiset, Deanxit, Mixit, a combination product containing both melitracen and flupentixol.

Half-life 19-39 hours

 

Side effects http://www.nhs.uk/medicine-guides/pages/MedicineSideEffects.aspx?condition=Mood%20Disorders&medicine=flupentixol%20dihydrochloride&preparation=

 

Wikipedia on Melitracen http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Melitracen

The pharmacology of melitracen has not been properly investigated and is largely unknown, but it is likely to act in a similar manner to other TCAs. Indeed, melitracen is reported to have imipramine and amitriptyline-like effects and efficacy against depression and anxiety, though with improved tolerability and a somewhat faster onset of action.

http://www.mims.com/USA/drug/info/melitracen/

Adverse Drug Reactions

Restlessness, insomnia, anticholinergic effects, tachycardia, orthostatic hypotension, drowsiness, GI upset, testicular enlargement, impotence. Withdrawal symptoms.

 

 

From the above, I deduce Flupentixol carries the usual adverse effects of antipsychotics. Unless flupentixol counters it, the melitracen component is activating, which is very undesirable in withdrawal syndrome.

 

Prescription of this medication shows no understanding of withdrawal syndrome. It seems this doctor wants to treat your withdrawal syndrome as though it was a relapse or emergence of a psychiatric disorder by giving you a "shut-up pill."

 

David Healy suggests a low dose of the tricyclic antidepressant dosulepin or imipramine might help post-discontinuation tardive dysphoria here http://davidhealy.org/wp-content/uploads/2012/06/DBM-Paper-Halting-Antidepressants.pdf (PDF) but I have no idea how this works.

[mindbend]

Wow Alto thank you for all the resources, the paper on halting antidepressants is an insightful read. I noticed it also speaks about Saint John's Wort the same way. I have used this in the second month, I thought I could feel it working but so subtle that I didn't see the point in taking it. Extreme anxiety and depression became a big issue between the 4th and the 13th week of stopping abruptly. Now I am on the 15th week and I feel as I did in the first few weeks without the extra withdrawal symptoms such as fatigue, dizziness, vertigo, etc..

 

I can handle what I am feeling right now, I am just scared of falling back into that dark space again so I don't want to be too complacent. I am continuing with camomile and passion flower tea, magnesium and B vitamin supplements and a fish oil. Oh and I am also dragging myself to yoga classes.

 

I would love to feel all joy and no nervousness but where I am at currently is an improvement on where I was just recently. They don't think it should take this long, well not a surprise when they don't consider withdrawing a serious issue, so your analogy of a 'shut-up pill' is bang on.

 

If I take the tricyclic, it might make me feel better but I will be back in the doctor's office in two months for a tapering plan, for all I know this ordeal can start from the very beginning. What do you guys suggest?

[Altostrata]

It's a gamble whether a tricyclic would make you feel better or worse. Same with St. John's Wort, which I'd be very wary of for a sensitized nervous system. It's a noradrenergic and might be overstimulating.

 

Since you're seeing gradual improvement, if I were you, I would not rock the boat by adding any new pharmaceuticals.

 

See this topic and others in the Symptoms and Self-Care forum http://survivingantidepressants.org/index.php?/topic/1112-non-drug-techniques-to-cope-with-emotional-symptoms/ for non-drug techniques to manage the black holes. The emotional anesthesia will gradually go away.

[mindbend]

It's a gamble whether a tricyclic would make you feel better or worse. Same with St. John's Wort, which I'd be very wary of for a sensitized nervous system. It's a noradrenergic and might be overstimulating.

I am not touching the St. John's Wort anymore, it contributed to ups and downs and at the moment all I want is some steadiness - I rather not have great ups and horrible downs. I have been taking some magnesium at nights for the past few days, that I think has been very stabilizing for me. I am not sure if I should continue with the B vitamin complex during the day.

 

My anxiety is cropping up over my health, any stress is flaring up a range of symptoms, tests show inflamed thyroids, overstimulated TSH alongside elevated antibodies but they are not having a big effect on the hormone levels at the moment, low vitamin D levels, have occasional joint pain (started at the 2 month mark off escitalopram) which all subside when I am less anxious. I feel a knot in my throat whenever I am nervous. If these are issues that are known to cause anxiety, then I believe anxiety in turn can cause any of these issues.

 

My appetite is not completely there either, eating in the mornings is a challenge, although I go to sleep dreaming of what I can eat in the morning as hunger strikes the moment I get into bed.

 

There is still an improvement on a day to day basis, I have a greater desire to get better as opposed to just wanting to disappear but it is a slow progress. If I am feeling particularly rough, I am taking a quarter of the lowest dose 0.25mg Xanax very sparingly (no more than once or twice a week), it takes the edge of but I'd like to hopefully throw them in the trash too.

 

Continuing with magnesium, fish oils, vit B complex, yoga, light therapy, mindfulness, acupuncture and this forum - will start therapy (CBT) in a couple of weeks. This has been a period of personal growth, learning to sit with the uncomfortable feelings and not questioning all the time 'what the hell is wrong with me'. It isn't supposed to be easy, right? They would just fill in my prescription if I wished for it to be easy!

 

Happy Holidays everyone...I wish us all peace of mind and heart!

[mindbend]

If it wasn't for all the stories here, I would have probably gone back to using Antidepressants, one form or another that I have been so readily offered. I have gone through many moments of doubt. Thank you to everyone who has been sharing, your experiences have been so much more enlightening and encouraging than any doctor visits.

 

Happy New Year to all!

[Jemima]

We're here to help and I'm glad that we were able to steer you away from ADs. To all of us, a better New Year filled with good health and other blessings!

[mindbend]

If I wanted proof that magnesium supplements are helping, I only need to skip a few days and unbalanced wave of emotions return. Talk about its mood stabilizing properties, that's exactly what it does!

 

I feel better in many respects but far from normal, now that most of the physical W/D symptoms have disappeared, I don't really know how to express myself and what kind of progress I should expect. It seems all in my head. I know what a hard battle so many of you are fighting still, I feel that I shouldn't complain in the least bit because this is a great improvement on what I was experiencing only recently.

 

Nonetheless, I don't exactly feel like myself yet. I am calm most of the times, not in a peaceful way though just subdued. Surprising after the dreadful anxiety periods for over 2 months. This is a character change for someone who has always been excitable and passionate. I have a lot more motivation to do the daily things that has to be done but to do something I am meant to enjoy is a chore. Anxiety comes and goes, it is not the crippling anxiety I had been feeling either, more like a worry wave. Not much appears pleasurable and enjoyable. The state of mind I was in just a month ago still lingers at the background and it frightens me that I could feel so low that I didn't see a point in life. Something has shifted in me as I can connect more readily with sadness and sorrow than joy.

 

Going through it one day at a time but its beginning to feel like I have to befriend this person who is a stranger to me.

[Altostrata]

If you look back a month, you can see that you've made progress, slow as it is. Find reassurance in that: Your nervous system will continue its work of slow healing.

[mindbend]

Alto,

 

Thanks for the reminder.

 

Why does it mean so much more coming from another person? I try to remind myself about how much better I am feeling, then I condemn myself for focusing on any distress, makes me feel like I am not being grateful enough. But in fact, the wounds feel so fresh that I am still remembering how it felt and how easy it was to fall into the grips of anxiety and depression.

 

I need to remember that a month ago, I would have given anything to feel the way I do now, so it doesn't have to be perfect.

 

One thing I know I am grateful of is the support everyone has for each other here. It always feels safe to come here!

[mindbend]

Couple of days of feeling down, could very well be because of my period. I stopped the contraceptives at the same time as lexapro and my periods have been slowly becoming more regular, not at all normal yet at about 16 weeks now. Goes to show how long it takes to heal after any drugs that mess with our physiology. I don't want to make how I am feeling a big deal and be patient, but I can't escape this dark feeling. I am in between feeling subdued and fearful most of the time, almost like in a state of shock. I can't explain it, I haven't been feeling excitement, passion, joy for a long time now. Where have all my motivation, desires and dreams gone? I say one day at a time just to get through the day.

 

The one thing I know I shouldn't question is whether this is normal. I am even scared about the answer to that, what if this is my new normal state? Still feeling very delicate and vulnerable.

[mindbend]

Can dysthymia be associated with withdrawal from SSRI? Has anyone had a personal experience with it after discontinuation? I could very well be dealing with dysthymia but the person who would be able to make the most accurate diagnosis would just end up telling me to go back on the ADs so I feel quite stuck as to what I am meant to be doing, expecting, feeling, etc..

 

I am finding myself in a persistent low mood, feeling better has become synonymous with not feeling too horrible. It is not as crippling as major depression, I was previously losing weight which has stabilized, my appetite is allowing me to eat at least twice a day, sleep is getting more regular, morning dreads less intense, nevertheless it is a relentless battle.

 

I try to accept how I am feeling and make the best of it, that pushes me down further lately, making me think this state is becoming the norm. I feel sad, not just for myself, for everything and everyone. I see, find and feel sadness all around. I can cry with if someone asks me how I am doing, or worse whilst watching a cartoon. Right now just fighting back the tears with a huge lump in my throat. Yet I still remain oddly calm, broken and tired.

[Altostrata]

Yes, a condition you might call dysthymia is quite common in withdrawal syndrome.

 

Like other symptoms, you will get waves and windows. This will gradually lighten.

 

In the meantime, see http://survivingantidepressants.org/index.php?/topic/1112-non-drug-techniques-to-cope-with-emotional-symptoms/

[mindbend]

Going through the list, trying out as many self-help suggestions as I can.

 

121 days today since my discontinuation. Not that I knew much about what to expect going cold turkey as I have been quite naive but didn't think it would take 4 months to feel a slight relief. Dare I say there are brief moments when I can recognise the person I used to be, but mostly still feel like a stranger to myself. What I am left with is consistent low mood and general anxiety which contributes to a lack of appetite. Morning anxiety is still there but less dreadful. Anxiety strikes when I go in and out of sleep. At times, I get very discouraged as I fear that it is always going to be a continuous uphill struggle.

 

The violent nausea and purging attacks have completely stopped since I stopped the medication. Strange that not even one person attributed a possibility to the SSRI. The last episodes I had were becoming increasingly traumatic with constant dry heaving, hot flashes and uncontrollable shivering, one being on a flight.

 

Been reading some posts here, and some of you have explained what I am going through better than I could ever put in words. Most of the posts giving me hope have been discontinued though so I only wish that things got that much better.

[flower]

I have had that anxiety falling in and out of sleep also while WDing and it does ease up. It's almost nonexistant right now. That's when I would get really hot. Sorry to see the struggle go on for so long. You are stronger than you think. Much stronger than me. I had to updose. I regret that with all my being.

[mindbend]

Flower, it is so nice to hear someone say that because I feel very weak. You are fighting a hard battle so don't be down on yourself. I can't tell you how many times I have been tempted to go on the ADs again, I just remember how sick I was feeling until I stopped them, then I read the stories here and I think twice about it. That was physical agony and now I am left with emotional agony. The first time I started on them was after a health scare and fast forward to 7 years, I am at the same place with more fears plus anxiety and depression that I have never felt so strongly before.

 

On the psychiatrist's advice to battle the nausea attacks I up-dosed for a few months before I quit (I was generally taking 10-15 mg, he suggested that I try 20mg accompanied by Xanax) I truly didn't notice how strong these meds are, otherwise the right thing would have been to start tapering before I went on a higher dose. During that visit, my husband got his first prescription too although he has always been against the idea of taking ADs and all he mentioned was manageable stress. I also wish that I could have warned him instead of thinking it was no big deal, could have perhaps saved him some of the anxiety he started feeling.

 

There is no solace in ifs and buts, at some point we all trusted someone that said these meds would make things easier, had we not we would have never known, and we would still be one crisis away to find out for ourselves. I want to believe it is happening at this point in our lives for a reason although most of the time I can't help get discouraged with this constant low mood.

 

P.S. I skipped a day of magnesium to see what kind of effect it has on the bowel movements, following a rough sleep, I woke up with anxiety and overwhelming sadness. Had acupuncture yesterday and was feeling calm during the session but that didn't last long. Today, I am starting therapy, want to get to the bottom of being fearful for my health and find my motivation once again but I have become such a sceptic lately that I am already wondering how much it is going to help. I will try to go with an open mind so as not to sabotage any relief efforts.

[flower]

I see you have been drug free since Sept? You are still in such WD? Good grief! Looking at these threads I see the WDs are similar just some more intense. I remember times I was so worried about my health but I was tapering from a higher dose of Celexa. That's not so bad right now. I thought about C/T the Celexa but when I come here I realise how sick I'd get. Being like this is enough. I feel different without the fish oil. Not sure I can pinpoint it yet. I wonder if these ADs are rated in terms of WDs? I know Paxil is suppose to be the worse.. For me the Celexa is worse than the ativan or the tramadol. It takes so long to get through this. My Doc has mentioned toughing it out ..Ouch I hope WD gets easier at a lower dose? Until this stops I'm stuck in a rut.

[mindbend]

I started with Celexa for the first couple of years than made a switch to Lexapro, don't remember how, it wasn't a very conscious decision obviously. For me it was the same logic as changing to an improved version of contraceptive pills. I don't remember having any withdrawal symptoms whilst making the switch. For me ADs were a first line of defence against obsessive thinking. I can't note anything too negative apart from a general lack of energy, mostly I still felt capable of emotions (sadness, joy, excitement, apprehension) just not in extremes. So in a sad way, I could say they were working for me.

 

I was very determined to quit everything and stop the nausea attacks as they were becoming more violent each time. First month, I started feeling physical withdrawal symptoms but nothing that I couldn't ride it out as I had a strong mind frame. I noticed I was becoming more emotional, could cry at about anything even if it was something happy. I had tears for all occasions!

 

When I started thinking the worst was over, that I successfully detoxed of the meds, (literature says you only need about 2 weeks to detox even from the harshest substances) all of a sudden I was greeted with extreme dread, fear and anxiety which plunged me into depression. I wondered whether this was a normal state, I thought I was finally feeling the weight of years of stressful situations but it was so sudden, so dark, so overwhelming that within a couple of weeks, I couldn't recognize myself. I was seriously hoping the world would come to an end, I couldn't even understand why we bothered with it all. I remember watching children play at the park and wondering how they could feel so happy, why the hell they would want to run around and play. I couldn't relate to life any more. I felt like apologizing to my husband constantly for becoming this zombie that has already checked out of life.

 

It is still very fresh, so much so that when I start feeling low, I get scared that I could easily lose my connection with life again.

 

Do what you need to do, don't feel guilty for it, it is not a race, you will get the best insight from what your body is telling you. If I could save myself the experience of these past couple of months, I would have done things differently because I feel a part of my innocence, ambition and purpose have died permanently.