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The Year In Review


Nikki

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I just browsed thru my posts on here for 2012. Didn't like what I read or that it came from me. Very repetitive and negative, my life that is.

 

Tried several times to taper Celexa while I was on it solely. Bad WD. Bad anxiety, decided to reintroduce Imipramine. Helped alot. Decreased Celexa while on Imipramine and it was good.

 

That was the medication portion.

 

The larger picture was coping with life' events. There were many things I could not change. My reaction to them could have been modified instead of being a 'victim/martyr.'

 

Need to work on that. Being as busy as I have lately has taught me a few things. I like to by busy so I don't have time to think which has it's benefits. But I have also used it to make myself feel very responsible. That is a self-worth issue. I have noticed how I like to feel like Wonder Woman and I Can Do It All Woman. Another lesson.

 

I did teach myself that I am capable and resourceful which is a good thing. I am tired and would like to find some balance. Balance is good. In today's economic tsunami is it possible to find balance? I don't know.

 

Being very busy has taught me to let of what is not mine to handle. Again a good thing, but I could and feel like I should be more present in my relationships.

 

Still need to learn more about handling finances so 2013 will be more fruitful. Need to eat healthy and lose weight. Another year went by and I continued to indulge in sugar.

 

Need to get limit my time on FB and focus on business paperwork.

 

Above all I need to be myself a good pat on the back for stepping up to the plate.

 

Sooo now it is time to define my priorities for 2013:

 

Continue to work my business. Seek a better paying part time job. Employers have one helluva nerve paying minimum wage when they are pulling in billions.

 

Change my choices in the supermarket and in the kitchen.

 

Stay connected to friends and family and at the same time mind my own business and leave other people alone to live their lives.

 

For now, 30mgs. Celexa and 30mgs. Imipramine has been fine. However it is in my mind to do away with ssri's.

 

I would like a new wardrobe and I would love to finish my home, but I need to bank money too.

 

Meditate, yoga, gym....stay spiritually connected.

 

Hugs

Intro: http://survivingantidepressants.org/index.php?/topic/1902-nikki-hi-my-rundown-with-ads/

 

Paxil 1997-2004

Crossed over to Lexapro Paxil not available

at Pharmacies GSK halted deliveries

Lexapro 40mgs

Lexapro taper (2years)

Imipramine

Imipramine and Celexa

Now Nefazadone/Imipramine 50mgs. each

45mgs. Serzone  50mgs. Imipramine

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So how would you score you year, Nikki? On a 1-10 scale.

"Well my ship's been split to splinters and it's sinking fast
I'm drowning in the poison, got no future, got no past
But my heart is not weary, it's light and it's free
I've got nothing but affection for all those who sailed with me.

Everybody's moving, if they ain't already there
Everybody's got to move somewhere
Stick with me baby, stick with me anyhow
Things should start to get interesting right about now."

- Zimmerman

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  • Moderator Emeritus

It's depressing just to think about this past year, all of which has been spent in one stage of withdrawal or another. I can't even remember what I did for Christmas last year, although I probably laid in bed and read and tried to sleep, since that's what I did for the first several months of 2012.

 

Looking back, I know I've come a tremendously long way from last December 14th when I took my last crumb of Lexapro (although I'm pretty sure I was already in withdrawal thanks to my doctor recommending the alternating-days method of getting off at the end :( and just plain tapering too fast).

 

Although I lost most of seven out of the twelve months of 2012 to withdrawal and had some uncomfortable waves even afterward, I think the experience has taught me how to handle my anxieties much better. I was so debilitated and miserable for the first three or four months that I had no choice but to rely on God to take care of me, and through that I learned that life would go on and that I didn't have nearly as much control over it as I had thought.

 

It's been quite a journey and I'm still grappling wtih anxiety, impatience, and control issues, but I'm farther along with them, and for that I'm grateful. I'm hopeful that my experience with antidepressants and being a mod will develop into something that will help many more people. I have no idea what, but I sense the potential.

Psychotropic drug history: Pristiq 50 mg. (mid-September 2010 through February 2011), Remeron (mid-September 2010 through January 2011), Lexapro 10 mg. (mid-February 2011 through mid-December 2011), Lorazepam (Ativan) 1 mg. as needed mid-September 2010 through early March 2012

"Never attribute to malice that which is adequately explained by stupidity." -Hanlon's Razor


Introduction: http://survivingantidepressants.org/index.php?/topic/1588-introducing-jemima/

 

Success Story: http://survivingantidepressants.org/index.php?/topic/6263-success-jemima-survives-lexapro-and-dr-dickhead-too/

Please note that I am not a medical professional and my advice is based on personal experience, reading, and anecdotal information posted by other sufferers.

 

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Barbarannamated

I'm not ready to look back at this past year except to say it's been the most difficult time of my life in several ways, all caused or amplified by drug issues. My life is truly a day-to-day existence at this point. I had ONE DAY of feeling 'normal' a few weeks ago.

 

Nikki, It sounds like you function best with structure and little downtime. Those are my biggest challenges: no structure and alot of downtime. I try to believe I'm learning something valuable in all of this. Trying to find some balance between staying occupied (even with purposeless activities) and being ok with just me and my thoughts. Withdrawal seems to magnify every negative thought.

 

My one day window allowed me to peek out of that black hole without needing or forcing distraction. I have to hold onto the hope that more days like that will come.

 

Jemima, I tried to remember what I've done on Christmas day in years past and couldn't. It feels like a different lifetime in a universe far far away. I do recall Christmas Eves, so maybe the holiday itself has just been uneventful.

 

You already fulfill a very important purpose, Jemima. I may not know you in real life, but I value you tremendously as a friend. You have helped me understand many things through your own experiences and interpretations.

 

I feel closer to those in this group than to any friends and family in *real life*.

 

B

Pristiq tapered over 8 months ending Spring 2011 after 18 years of polydrugging that began w/Zoloft for fatigue/general malaise (not mood). CURRENT: 1mg Klonopin qhs (SSRI bruxism), 75mg trazodone qhs, various hormonesLitigation for 11 years for Work-related injury, settled 2004. Involuntary medical retirement in 2001 (age 39). 2012 - brain MRI showing diffuse, chronic cerebrovascular damage/demyelination possibly vasculitis/cerebritis. Dx w/autoimmune polyendocrine failure.<p>2013 - Dx w/CNS Sjogren's Lupus (FANA antibodies first appeared in 1997 but missed by doc).

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Alex I have to stay away from rating. For me life is a mixed bag.

 

J & B I am originally a native New Yorker and after 911, Major Gulliani said.."Keep moving forward." What else is there to do?

 

You have all been moving forward in spite of setbacks and detours. Very determined group of people on this site :)

 

Hugs

Intro: http://survivingantidepressants.org/index.php?/topic/1902-nikki-hi-my-rundown-with-ads/

 

Paxil 1997-2004

Crossed over to Lexapro Paxil not available

at Pharmacies GSK halted deliveries

Lexapro 40mgs

Lexapro taper (2years)

Imipramine

Imipramine and Celexa

Now Nefazadone/Imipramine 50mgs. each

45mgs. Serzone  50mgs. Imipramine

Link to post
  • 2 weeks later...
starlitegirlx

My year in review leaves me terribly sad. It also leaves me concerned for what tapering off the klonopin will be like. Hopefully easy, but I still have tremors and I have no idea why or from what. I wake up with them and they are awful until I get that morning dose of klonopin in me and then they eventually settle down. That's scary as all hell. This past year was pure hell on me. I still haven't recovered. Still barely leave the house and don't do basic things like dishes, load or empty the dishwasher, etc because I'm having balance issues related to the benzo stuff no doubt. I hope this year is better, but hopes like that are carrots on a stick leading a horse around a track. Hope is a dangerous thing for me. I just try to live in the present and not really think about the future especially when the future scares me.

 

Sounds like you got a lot out of your year in review and it was helpful to you, Nikki. I'm glad for that.

 

As for moving forward, we really don't have a choice though do we? We just do the best we can everyday which may vary from day to day. I just never thought I would be faced with this whole nightmare. But that's how my life has been. Lots of blindsiding. Lots of things I would rather not have happened, but I get through them. In the end, I realize I'm a lot stronger than I thought, but personally, I would rather not have to be stronger and just have a nicer, easier, healthier life where I actually lived it rather than got through it. Can't really live it right now do to limitations.

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