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Acceptance and Hope


starlitegirlx

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Hey all,

I just read this article cause I think acceptance is my biggest problem in wd. There are days where I think everything will be fine my brain just needs time to recover and then there are more days where I´m like: You are already 7 month off Paxil this is not the WD anymore it´s a sign that you are ill and everything will stay like this...this is my life now!"

These days make me feel so hopeless and I just won´t except is which makes everything even worse as you guys know.

I feel like my whole body collapse I got lots of inflammations on my joints and they won´t recover at all. I can´t do sports anymore because of this but sport was one of the few things which really helped me! So I started to meditate a bit every morning cause I know it helps and its the only thing I can do right now.

Its so hard to stay positive when you feel like a Zombie with irreparable brain damages but I guess its the only thing that makes sense while wd. Just accept a life which feels like hell :(

 

Started Paxil on January 2016 with 40mg

June 2016 - 30 mg, July 2016 - 20 mg, August 2016 - 20 mg, September 2016 - 15 mg, October 2016 - 10mg, November 2016 - 5mg, January 2017 - 3,75mg, 22/01/2017 2,5mg, 06/02/2017 0 mg

 

Symptoms I still have:

Dizziness (more in waves less in windows)

Brainfog & Derealization (constantly)

Muscle spasm

Hot and cold flashes with sweating (mostly in the evening)

Nightmares with hallucinations (not that frequent anymore)

Moodswings (from happy and optimistic to depressed and sad within a minute)

Joint pain

Symptoms that are gone:Anxiety & Panic, Insomnia, Deep phases of depression, Brainzaps

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Acceptance is so hard. To just allow yourself to be where you are and not fight against it, not be mad about it, to get past feeling sad or anxious and just let it be, like it doesn't even matter beca

Acceptance doesn't take the pain away.  What it does, at least for me, is remove a major layer of added pain.  Claire Weekes talks about this.  When I am anxious, it is easy to become anxious about be

i saw this thread and DID NOT want to read it! which told me that I needed to read it.   i'm having a really rough afternoon. There are many things in my life i don't want to accept right now and I

  • Moderator Emeritus

Found this in a member's topic:

 

On 16/09/2017 at 9:34 AM, baroquep said:

Hi TheWayBack, I think when we are in withdrawal we have to let go of all of our expectations and any notion that things will progress in a rational manner has to be put aside for awhile.  The only thing we are safe to expect is the unexpected.  I've been where you are not that long ago and know what you are going through and each time I reached out to a moderator, they'd tell me the same thing ... you have to accept what is happening to you right now and not to fight it, things will eventually get better.  Finally understood that I was stressing myself out further by trying to rationalize what was happening rather than just accept what was happening.  It took many months for me to embrace acceptance, to learn to just be and not put any further stress on my already stressed out mind by trying to rationalize it away.  Thing is, by ignoring this thing called "acceptance" I now truly believe that it does hinder your progress.  Maybe try and tell yourself, yes this sucks, but maybe I'd better use all that mindful energy to treat myself with self-compassion now that I'm in this crappy situation that I'm in and try and make myself as comfortable as I can through the anxiety.   I do hope your anxiety does start calming down, know how awful that used to feel, honestly, there were days that I'd wake up feeling like doom followed me everywhere, but we get through it and I can tell you that you will honestly be stronger for it.  After the months of doom and despair, I rarely deal with anxiety anymore, so I'm alive and kicking to tell you that it does get better, we just have to stop thinking about it or we might miss it when it actually starts to happen :) 

 

Acceptance

 

 

NEW!!!     INTERVIEW with Altostrata, SA's founder    NEW!!! 

 

Plodding along inch by inch:  12" = 1',  3' =  36 " or 1 yard,  1760 yards  = 63,360" or 1 mile

Current from 31 July 2021:  Pristiq 0.1mg

ADs since ~1992:  25+ years - 1 unknown, Prozac (muscle weakness), Zoloft; citalopram (pooped out) CTed (very sick for 2.5 wks a few months after); Pristiq:  50mg 2012, 100mg beg 2013 (Serotonin Toxicity)  Tapering Oct 2015 

My tapering program   My Intro (goes to my tapering graph)  My website

PLEASE NOTE:  I am not a medical professional.  I provide information and make suggestions.

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Thank you Chessiecat, that is a very helpful reminder again for me today.  You know the interesting fact is that accepting is a very mindful, moment by moment detail.  Accept, Accept, accepting some more!!!!!   Being kind and gentle and compassionate with ourselves. This is truth and needed!!!!  Thank you.  

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  • 3 months later...
NobodySpecial

I wanted to drop in and share some experience from several years of meditation, religious and body work practice that may be useful:

 

I find that being mindful of the direct experience (what is actually happening i.e. intense anxiety, hopelessness) and imagining that I'm caring for it like I would if an abandoned child appeared on my doorstep, allows me to accept what is going on.

 

I like to think that I'm touching the experience with mindful energy. It is important to stay "embodied", which means stay in direct contact with your experience, because it allows you to disengage the mind from making up unhelpful stories about what is going on.

 

I'll give you an example with sleep - when I came off Amitriptyline for the first time, I was convinced and it felt like I couldn't sleep. When I would go to bed, I would practice self-soothing and mindfully touching the sensations associated with it. Whenever I re-drifted into thinking re: I'll never sleep again, I'd gently bring myself back into the direct experience and before long, I would actually fall asleep.

 

I also wanted to share two resources that I have found tremendously helpful, and would love to share with this forum as well :)

 

1. Here's a video on self-soothing that I found particularly practical.

 

2. This is a quote from a psychotherapist called Matthew Licata, he has an instagram and blog that you can find and it provides great resources for acceptance.

Quote

The next time you feel triggered, pause and return your attention into your body. In just one instant of pure compassion, shift out of the spinning narrative and provide a holding environment for your immediate experience. While it may appear that something is coming at you from the outside, it is your own aliveness, seeking safe passage. 

It may seem urgent that you deny or seek relief the uninvited ones from your heart, but this is merely the old groove that has been laid down personally and collectively for billions of here and now moments. Apply the enzyme of presence and offer metabolization for the ancient ones. 

Look carefully. Listen. Feel. Open your senses. You need not go to war with the story any longer. Allow it to liberate on its own, in the intimate field of clear seeing. You are okay. Slow way down. Lay a new groove of kindness and offer this electric new pathway to a weary world that has forgotten. 

Stay close with the sensations as they rise and fall in your belly, in your torso, and in the very center of your heart. You can hold and contain so much more than you imagine. You have capacities now that you did not have as a tender, little one with a ripening, developing brain and nervous system. 

Yes, stormy waves are washing in, but they are not enemies or obstacles on your journey. They are the path itself, allies of integration, longing to be met, to be held, and to be allowed home, back into the vastness.

As you return, over and over into the aliveness of the somatic world, the tangles and the knots will dissolve in the soothing flames of gentle, fiery presence. And all that will remain is a luminous field of awareness, warmth, and creativity. Rest here. For this is what you are.

 

 

 

 

 

Taper commencing 14/06/18:

  • Going down by 2.5mg per month from 35mg - once 2.5mg is bigger than the recommended 10%, I'll switch to a water solution. 
  • Planning to taper until October and then hold until 2019 - balancing study, work, life and holiday season.

 

Medication / withdrawal history:

  • Tapered July 2016 to October 2016, unsuccessful and reinstated to 30mg (didn't track specifics)
  • Tapered March 2017 to August 2017, was unsuccessful and reinstated to 35mg (didn't track specifics).
  • Current taper - started 1st January 2018 @ 32.5mg and 2.5mg per month until I reach a dose where 2.5 is > 10% of dose.

 

Morning supplements:

B complex, Niagen, COQ10, Black seed oil, Vitamin C, Zinc, Fish Oil, EGCG, Bosweilla Extract, Curcumin (Longvida), Vitamin D, R-ALA, NAC, Ashwagandha (occasionally), Epimedium / Icariin, Resveratol.

 

Evening supplements:

NatureCalm Magnesium, Glycine, Ashwagandha, Reishi, Schisandra, Melatonin.

I also take Phenibut (maximum 3 times weekly at a dose that doesn't build tolerance) and Oleamide when required.

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ultimatumprisoncell

I couldn't have stumble across a better forum post today.

Acceptance is difficult. Especially in light of the fact that denial is such a real and valid emotion felt by most anyone. currently suffering or having recently suffered a traumatic experience. And "trauma" can take on so many different forms. Going through AD WD; and the frustrating barrage of persistent problems that often continue for years after successful weaning and discontinuationis obviously count as trauma. In many cases, SIGNIFICANT TRAUMA. The loved ones, including SO's are also traumatized by witnessing our experiences. From the inside it feels so horrific. So much so that even though I know (or figure out at some point) it is causing turmoil in those around me, I can't help feeling that it's so much worse on the patient than it could possibly be on those around them. Reading into the relationships section of these forums puts a little more balance and light into that subject for me.

I'm working on the acceptance thing. Accepting that I've once again destroyed my life "as I knew it".

Accepting that I've hurt and permanently lost my Fiance.

Accepting that there are so many people around me who don't understand, don't care and judge/shun me.

In my weak state brought on by the AD WD, the lack of appetite, and horrible chronic diarrhea (I'm assuming is WD related?) I've found it even harder to cope. And I'm coping 100% alone, with only the help of these forums.

Acceptance and healing are something I pray for daily.

Though not in AA or NA, I've plenty of experience with friends and family in the past who were or are. That said, I've found the "Serenity Prayer" to be short and sweet, but well worded and I believe appropriate for EVERYONE dealing with acceptance under ANY circumstances.

 

"God grant me the serenity
to accept the things I cannot change; 
courage to change the things I can; 
and wisdom to know the difference."

 

These few words are the ones that make the most sense to me. And practically my only source of comfort right now.

 

Peace, Love, Blessings, and Healing to all! 💚

UPC
 

Ativan 1or2mg PRN: 2003 - present 

Paxil up to 60mg: Aug 2005 - Feb 2013

Adderall XR Varied dosages on and off: 1994? - present

Pristiq 100mg: Feb 2013 - Feb 2014

Effexor XR 150mg: Feb 2014 - Jun 2016; then gradual taper. D/C'd in Nov 2017.

Xanax 1mg: PRN 1998 - Jan 2018

Zoloft 200 mg: 2016, Taper then CT Dec 2017 AMA. Destroyed my life. And everyone I love. 

Prozac 5mg daily: JAN 2018 - OCT 2018, CT'D against my will and despite my protests.

 

Current: (NOV 2018) Ativan 1mg prn, Adderall XR 15mg daily, Clonidine 0.1mg twice daily

 

 

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denial usually serves an important function of protecting oneself from being emotionally overwhelmed and unable to cope...i have learnt in my long term psychotherapy that there are times for becoming more conscious but also times when it is better not to engage with a denied stuff...my therapist is great, he just knows when...i have been a victim of sever trauma and only now able to connect to a very painful stuff...for years i thought i was not exposed to trauma...

serenity prayer is great...

- 12.03.2021- doxepin- 50mg

- 6.11.2020- 75mg

- 16.10.2020- 100mg

- 30.09.2020- doxepin- 125mg

- May 2020, omeprazole 40mg switched to esomeprazole 20mg

- 2012 re-started Doxepin 75mg, evening. Increased to 150mg

- 2012, Atenolol 25mg, twice a day

- 2016, Low dose of HRT in evening, Sandrena and Utrogestan 

- Long term of Nasal spray Otrivine

- 2012, PPI Omeprazole 40mg-evening

24.10.2014- Started ESCITALOPRAM-first 5mg and then 10mg; due to the adverse symptoms reduced on 5.01.2015- Escitalopram- 2.5mg 22.07.2016- re-started reduction by 1% at a time. Completed tappering on  19.03.2020 😇

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Acceptance- A hopeful message for you all

 

Hey guys,

 

I wanted to come back here and just pass on a few things that may help someone. My full story is in the introductions section, but I weaned off Prozac over last year (did the last bit a little too quickly) and due to a variety of factors had a few episodes of intense withdrawal symptoms over Christmas and the start of January.

 

I reinstated at 2mg recently and am glad to report I'm doing absolutely fantastic. However, I noticed a few patterns which caused me to go into symptom mode. Number 1 was reading too many posts on the forum - I used to be a moderator on an OCD support forum and am aware of the dangers of excessive forum use! In fact it was one of the first things we'd advise newbies to the site. In the week before I reinstated, I went into a mode that I hadn't done for a long time. I was checking for success stories, reading other people's symptoms, and was preoccupied with my health for most of the day. I developed new symptoms and old patterns began to emerge.

 

I've been practicing meditation for 2 years now. I stopped temporarily (funnily enough, just before withdrawal symptoms emerged) for a number of reasons. I forgot how wild an unobserved mind can get, and how we continually create our reality moment by moment. Thankfully I was seeing an amazing Reiki therapist once a week over the past month. He pretty much helped me drag myself out of a potentially long term situation, and helped me take responsibility for the symptoms in order to diffuse them incredibly quickly.

 

I also became disheartened by the horror stories and the lack of success stories, but I knew on some level there was more to it. I've seen incredible recoveries over recent years from a variety of illnesses including severe mental illness, chronic pain, cancer. But as soon as I began getting too involved in the world of 'withdrawal', all of that was thrown into doubt. So I did a test. I know intellectually that my mind is a constant flux of thoughts created from my own awareness, nothing is really external or separate from us, it's all the creation and response of mind. When we know that on an experiential level, there is no reason to suffer, because you are aware that you are creating everything that appears to your consciousness. You can create anything. I mentally put out a request for real life success stories.

 

Within about 6 hours an old friend got in touch. I havent seen her in years since we were in a psychiatric hospital, she was a bit older than me and was like a mother figure. She had been one a severe case of clinical depression, in hospital many times. Her doctors told her she was a lost cause and would be dead within the next few years. Turns out she stopped her meds three years ago, refused any medical help, found a great therapist who understood her desire not to be medicated, and she is happier than she's ever been. She is in a new relationship, has gone back to college, and has absolutely no symptoms in regards to withdrawal (she said there was at first but they didn't last intensely after she started therapy).

 

The following day I bumped into a lady who owns a shop near me who I haven't spoke to in months. She confided that she is also medication free since last summer, after years of being on antidepressants. While things have been up and down, she was still positive, running her business, and very positive.

 

From that day I stopped researching anything to do with illness or withdrawal, I got strict with myself in terms of observing thoughts, and detaching from as many as possible throughout the day. Letting them be there without making a 'story' out of them. Of course, the 2mg reinstatement took the edge off almost immediately, but the transformation between now and the horror I experienced a few weeks ago is unimaginable. In the midst of a crisis the smallest of things can mean the difference between a temporary episode and a wave of days or weeks of awfulness. My main withdrawal episodes lasted no more than a day or two at a time, whereas years ago they would have knocked me for six for weeks. I credit that in part to an ongoing understanding of the how the mind works and not exposing myself to negativity as much as possible, especially in such vulnerable states. Forums and the internet are a great resource, but that's just it, they are a tool and as much as it feels like it's the last thing we want to do, it's essential to spend the majority of our time in 'the world' so we get a fuller picture of it.

 

So I guess what I mean is, don't spend time exposing your mind to anything that reaffirms sickness. People, media, tv, situations. In the psychiatric hospitals I was in in the past they had a term for it (I forget what it was), where patients who were around other patients for too long would develop similar symptoms. They would try and get people out quickly and not encourage them to become too close because the statistics for them later being diagnosed with further disorders was much higher the longer you were in there. I guess it's the same in life, we become what we fill our consciousness with. I was very aware that I was spending most of my time reading about withdrawal and thinking about what my symptoms were like day to day, rather than actually healing. Suffering is inevitable, for everyone, that is the nature of being human. But we have so, so much more power to react to it differently, and even be comfortable with it, than we ever imagine. Glimpses of this astonishing power have saved me many times, although we do need to be still enough for it to be revealed.

 

This may or may not be of use to anyone, but I wanted to share it anyway in the hope that it may help. Love and courage to all of you who are struggling.

Edited by manymoretodays
merged topics, Acceptance, and Acceptance- a hopeful message

2008-2013 - Various meds on and off since age 18 incl. Sertraline, Prozac, Mirtazipine, Abilify. Prescribed for severe OCD.

CT'd several times over these years and reinstated after subsequent psych hospitalisations.

2014-2015 - Clomipramine, quetiapine and Epilum

2015-Jan 2017 - Prozac 40mg (stopped contraceptive pill, most stable period of time)

(Beginning of taper) Jan-October 2017 - Tapered Prozac to zero.

15 Jan 2018 - Reinstated Prozac at 2mg due to acute w/d symptoms

February 2018 - tapered to 1.8mg

May 2018 - reinstated at 5mg due to severe w/d symptoms. 9 month hold, stabilized well at around 6/7 months.

March 2019 - Tapered to 4.9mg

Current supplements: fish oils, probiotic, ashwaganda, colostrum powder, cannabis

 

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Junglechicken

I think that's sound advice AbbyElfie, because my therapist and ND both tell me to stay away from the Forum environment, and to stop googling symptoms etc.,

 

The field of psychiatry has clearly proven itself to do more harm than good, and GPs have a LOT to answer for as they are ill-informed regarding these drugs.

 

Anyway, there is nothing more powerful than the human mind to heal the human body.

 

 

Dose History: 19 Feb 2014 - Escitalopram 10mg daily June 2015 - Started taper, 5mg every other day July 2015 - 5mg every 2 days August 2015 - 5mg every 3 days September 2015 - 5mg every 4 days Sept 14th - Completed tapering, but at 7 weeks "drug free" I suffered serious WD symptoms as a consequence of "incorrect" tapering. Nov 25 2015 - Re-instated Cipralex @ 2.5mg daily. WD symptoms faded. Held at this dose and experienced "windows and waves". 12 Oct 2017 Reduced dose to 1.25mg. 13 Mar 2018 Reduced dose to 0.625mg (approx.). 16 April 2018 0mg. Windows and waves triggered by stress (IBS/reflux, headaches, sinus issues) Aug 2019 Mirena coil fitted 6 Jan 2020 MAJOR Wave hit 19 months following last dose (protracted WD).  Symptoms listed below Mar 2020 Mirena coil removal.

Therapy: Nov 15th 2016 Re-started therapy Jan 19th 2017 Started CBT Dec 2017 Started listening to Hypnotherapy CD (self-esteem). Nov 2019 Started couples therapy.

Supplements: "Bioglan" Biotic Balance Ultimate Flora 10 billion CFU, live Bacteria, Probiotic, suitable for Vegetarians, with Lactobacillus Acidophilus, Lactobacillus Rhamnosus, Bifidobacterium Longum"Pukka" Vitalise a unique blend of 30 energising botanicals.

Diet: 16 April 2018 Detox cleanse / anti-candida for 90 days. Jan 2020 Started "small plate" diet (i.e child size portions).

Exercise: Stretching, Yoga, Pilates, Spinning, Elliptical/upper body workout, walking.

Medical Test Results: 4 Jan 2017 Homeopathic Treatment starts 24 Feb 2017 Started weight loss program 24 Mar 2017 Naturopathic Treatment + anti-Candida diet started due to suspected Candida Related Complex (CRC). DETOXED for 7 weeks to "re-set" gut. April 2017 "Genova Diagnostics" Comprehensive Stool Analysis NEGATIVE; Full Blood Count (Normal) / Blood Cholesterol: 5.6 (Borderline) / Blood Sugar (Normal) / 28 Jun 2017 FSH 8.2 / 14 Nov 2017 FSH 17.7 Dec 2017 Blood Cholesterol: 3.9 (Normal) / Kidney Function (Normal) / Blood Sugar (Normal). December 2017 "Genova Diagnostics" Food panel allergy (bloodwork) analysis - a few "VERY LOW/VL" allergens; Mar 2018 "Genova Diagnostics" SIBO urine analysis: High Level of Yeast/fungal markers found in small intestine but NO SIBO.  April 2018 Thyroid (Normal) / Full Blood Count (Normal) / FSH (Normal). 16 April 2018 Started anti-Candida diet - 3 month protocol.   25 March 2020 All test results "Normal". CRP" 5 mg/L (normal range to 0-5 mg/L).

Symptoms:  Flu-like symptoms, anxiety, anhedonia, sinus headaches right-side (severe), IBS issues/reflux (severe)**, tinnitus, fatigue, inner tremor, nausea, chills/hot flushes, pounding heart, muscular issues including stiff left hip flexor, intense anger, PSSD (ongoing).  **Histhamine intolerance (suspected).

 

Major Life Events: 

Re-located to UK from Canada: Jan 2016

My father died: 5:05pm, Monday 5 Feb 2018 Last Lexapro dose: 16 April 2018 (its now been over a year since I quit ADs)

Moved house: Friday 23rd February 2018  "Divorced" toxic Mother: Monday 26 March 2018 Starting working again: 19 November 2018

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Hi abbeyElfie

thank you so much for taking the time to write this. Today is one of those days when I needed to read something like this. Affirming and sensible. Truly appreciated. 

2006 After sudden death of mother put on 20mg of citaloprom for depression. 

2014 Drug stopped working after two weeks of panic attacks felt fine. 

Aug 2014. Doctor put me on lyrica for rash on face, diarrhoea, sleeplessness,muscle cramp, bruising. Initial dose too strong, halved dose.  Stopped taking it 22/10/14

2014 severe anxiety after several ssri's attempted, seem to have developed severe  sensitivity to any drug, but giving severe  reactions put on cipralex drop form.started on 2 drops and had to increase by 1 drop every 3 days. Eventually got to 12 drops and had to stop as side effects every step of the way dreadful. Psychiatrist kept telling me to stick with it and my body would get used to it.  Eventually down to 8 drops. Bad reactions throughout the time I was on it

Have been on this until may 2017. Stopped over two weeks. Felt fine for 5 weeks after initial dizziness, nightmares, nausea, insomnia.  

Given diazepam by gp and told to take them when anxiety bad. Have only taken them very rarely as they frighten me. 

Last two weeks severe anxiety returned and feeling hopeless 

11July 2017. Cipralex 2mg. Anxiety, nausea still severe

13 July 2017 Cipralex 1mg due to advice of too high dosage  by kind person on thus site. so dropped from 2mg to 1mg and feelings of anxiety still at severe. As well as nausea, headaches, fatigue. 

15 July still feeling extremely anxious verging on panic. Nausea, feelings of fainting, fatigue. Lots of head pains 

3 August. Three weeks into trying to stabilise on one drop of cipralex. Still have waking from 4am. Sporadic upset stomach. Nausea.  High anxiety.  Throbbing/burning in nether regions seems to have eased for time being but stabbing/burning in calves of legs. Tinnitus. Occasional half to whole better days but mainly still struggling. Fatigue   

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Downbutnotout
1 hour ago, Downbutnotout said:

Interesting post.

 

 

 

2001 Remeron , Celexa, prozac a week on lithium. 

2014 went off effexor and trazadone in 3 weeks. 

2014 zoloft (hyper reaction) put on effexor 75 mg. Was stable until 2017 

2017  Trazadone 50 mg (June) Effexor to 113 mg (2 weeks) Effexor 150 mg for a month . Took 75 mg until November. . Lithium 10 days, Lamactil 10 day  aug-nov15 ativan

October : Prozac bridge to get off 75 mg of effexor Used 10 mg of prozac. Stopped prozac 3 wk 

Dec 6, 7 Upped trazadone from 50 to 100 mg Did it for 3 days Stopped it

Dec 7 , Dec 8 Took prozac again 0.1 , 0.1, 0.6 stopped it

Dec 11 and Dec 12 upped it to 100 again

Dec 15 , 16,17 went back to 50 mg of trazadone

December 18 Began 3 beads of effexor  Dec 25 began 5 beads of effexor take 10 mg of omneprazole daily

 

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22 hours ago, AbbyElfie said:

I credit that in part to an ongoing understanding of the how the mind works and not exposing myself to negativity as much as possible, especially in such vulnerable states. Forums and the internet are a great resource, but that's just it, they are a tool and as much as it feels like it's the last thing we want to do, it's essential to spend the majority of our time in 'the world' so we get a fuller picture of it.

I agree with this wholeheartedly!
I found that there were times during WD that I could not handle negativity of any kind and still am very sensitive to it.
I am purposely working toward filling my life with positive people and experiences.

It's hard to let go of relationships that are unhelpful but for my own health, I've had to do it.

getting out is hard when you're not feeling well but it's been the best "medicine" for me in the past year or so.

 I would not have gotten to this point if I'd stayed glued to the computer and tv and the very tiny circle of ppl I was in contact with.

 

sorry this is a bit scattered but I just wanted to chime in and say, yes, this is true, from my experience as well

 

 

  • pysch med history: 1974 @ age 18 to Oct 2017 (approx 43 yrs total)
  •  Drug list: stelazine, haldol, elavil, lithium, zoloft, celexa, lexapro(doses as high as 40mgs), klonopin, ambien, seroquel(high doses), depakote, zyprexa, lamictal- plus brief trials of dozens of other psych meds over the years
  • started lexapro 2002, dose varied from 20mgs to 40mgs. I tried to get off it several times. WD symptoms were mistaken for "relapse". 
  •  2013 too fast taper down to 5mg but WD forced me back to 20mgs
  •  June of 2105, tapered again too rapidly to 2.5mgs by Dec 2015. Found SA, held at 2.5 mgs til May 2016 when I foolishly "jumped off". Crashed in Sept, reinstated at 0.3mgs in Oct. 2106
  • Tapered off to zero by  Oct. 2017 Doing very well
  • Nov. 2018 feel 95% healed, current age 63 
  • Jan. 2020 feel 100% healed, peaceful and content 
  • April 2021, loving life ❤️ 
 
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On 29/01/2018 at 5:27 PM, AbbyElfie said:

So I guess what I mean is, don't spend time exposing your mind to anything that reaffirms sickness. People, media, tv, situations. In the psychiatric hospitals I was in in the past they had a term for it (I forget what it was), where patients who were around other patients for too long would develop similar symptoms. They would try and get people out quickly and not encourage them to become too close because the statistics for them later being diagnosed with further disorders was much higher the longer you were in there. I guess

 

On 29/01/2018 at 5:42 PM, Junglechicken said:

I think that's sound advice AbbyElfie, because my therapist and ND both tell me to stay away from the Forum environment, and to stop googling symptoms etc.,

 

I think the same...even our journal here, our description, must be something that does not dramatize situations. Just describe like it is and nothing else. Doing so, it may helps to find patterns but doesn´t allow our mind to somatize more and more.

 

Reading about symptons, cases, videos on Youtube etc...it might things worse.

Morning

Escitalopram 10 mg from 2005 to present

Dec 10.17 reduced to 9 mg; reinstated 10 mg; Jan 2.18 9 mg; Fev 12.18 8 mg; Jan 30.20 5 mg; Feb 6.20 reinstated 6 mg

Ethyl Loflazepate 2 mg from 2005 to present

 

Night

Mirtazapine 15 mg from 2015 to present (November reinforcement 30mg) Dec 8.17 15 mg

Levomepromazine 25 mg started November 2017

8/12/2017 12.5 mg; 13/12/17 6.25 mg; 20/12/2017 3.125 mg; 23/12/2017 last 3.125 mg

Clonazepam 2 mg started Nov. 2017 (occasionally) ; last week 2 mg; Dec 19.17 1 mg; Dec 21.17 1.5 mg ; Dec 22.17 2 mg; Jan 2.2018 1.9 mg; Jan 7.2018 3mg; Jan 8.18 2mg; Jan 16.18 1.8 mg; Jan 17.18 1.5 mg ; Jan 18.18 1.7 mg; Jan 19.18 1.6 mg; Fev 12.18 1.5 mg; Jan 30.20 0.5 mg

Xanax XR 1 mg in subtitution of Ethyl Loflazepate 2mg (occasionally)

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On 30.1.2018 at 12:27 AM, AbbyElfie said:

Hey guys,

 

I wanted to come back here and just pass on a few things that may help someone. My full story is in the introductions section, but I weaned off Prozac over last year (did the last bit a little too quickly) and due to a variety of factors had a few episodes of intense withdrawal symptoms over Christmas and the start of January.

 

I reinstated at 2mg recently and am glad to report I'm doing absolutely fantastic. However, I noticed a few patterns which caused me to go into symptom mode. Number 1 was reading too many posts on the forum - I used to be a moderator on an OCD support forum and am aware of the dangers of excessive forum use! In fact it was one of the first things we'd advise newbies to the site. In the week before I reinstated, I went into a mode that I hadn't done for a long time. I was checking for success stories, reading other people's symptoms, and was preoccupied with my health for most of the day. I developed new symptoms and old patterns began to emerge.

 

I've been practicing meditation for 2 years now. I stopped temporarily (funnily enough, just before withdrawal symptoms emerged) for a number of reasons. I forgot how wild an unobserved mind can get, and how we continually create our reality moment by moment. Thankfully I was seeing an amazing Reiki therapist once a week over the past month. He pretty much helped me drag myself out of a potentially long term situation, and helped me take responsibility for the symptoms in order to diffuse them incredibly quickly.

 

I also became disheartened by the horror stories and the lack of success stories, but I knew on some level there was more to it. I've seen incredible recoveries over recent years from a variety of illnesses including severe mental illness, chronic pain, cancer. But as soon as I began getting too involved in the world of 'withdrawal', all of that was thrown into doubt. So I did a test. I know intellectually that my mind is a constant flux of thoughts created from my own awareness, nothing is really external or separate from us, it's all the creation and response of mind. When we know that on an experiential level, there is no reason to suffer, because you are aware that you are creating everything that appears to your consciousness. You can create anything. I mentally put out a request for real life success stories.

 

Within about 6 hours an old friend got in touch. I havent seen her in years since we were in a psychiatric hospital, she was a bit older than me and was like a mother figure. She had been one a severe case of clinical depression, in hospital many times. Her doctors told her she was a lost cause and would be dead within the next few years. Turns out she stopped her meds three years ago, refused any medical help, found a great therapist who understood her desire not to be medicated, and she is happier than she's ever been. She is in a new relationship, has gone back to college, and has absolutely no symptoms in regards to withdrawal (she said there was at first but they didn't last intensely after she started therapy).

 

The following day I bumped into a lady who owns a shop near me who I haven't spoke to in months. She confided that she is also medication free since last summer, after years of being on antidepressants. While things have been up and down, she was still positive, running her business, and very positive.

 

From that day I stopped researching anything to do with illness or withdrawal, I got strict with myself in terms of observing thoughts, and detaching from as many as possible throughout the day. Letting them be there without making a 'story' out of them. Of course, the 2mg reinstatement took the edge off almost immediately, but the transformation between now and the horror I experienced a few weeks ago is unimaginable. In the midst of a crisis the smallest of things can mean the difference between a temporary episode and a wave of days or weeks of awfulness. My main withdrawal episodes lasted no more than a day or two at a time, whereas years ago they would have knocked me for six for weeks. I credit that in part to an ongoing understanding of the how the mind works and not exposing myself to negativity as much as possible, especially in such vulnerable states. Forums and the internet are a great resource, but that's just it, they are a tool and as much as it feels like it's the last thing we want to do, it's essential to spend the majority of our time in 'the world' so we get a fuller picture of it.

 

So I guess what I mean is, don't spend time exposing your mind to anything that reaffirms sickness. People, media, tv, situations. In the psychiatric hospitals I was in in the past they had a term for it (I forget what it was), where patients who were around other patients for too long would develop similar symptoms. They would try and get people out quickly and not encourage them to become too close because the statistics for them later being diagnosed with further disorders was much higher the longer you were in there. I guess it's the same in life, we become what we fill our consciousness with. I was very aware that I was spending most of my time reading about withdrawal and thinking about what my symptoms were like day to day, rather than actually healing. Suffering is inevitable, for everyone, that is the nature of being human. But we have so, so much more power to react to it differently, and even be comfortable with it, than we ever imagine. Glimpses of this astonishing power have saved me many times, although we do need to be still enough for it to be revealed.

 

This may or may not be of use to anyone, but I wanted to share it anyway in the hope that it may help. Love and courage to all of you who are struggling.

hi there EbbieElfie,

you are right and it's a great reminder of what I am doing too much of lately;) I realized every so often that reading too many different stories from desperate people makes you feel worse or you start to lose hope. It is of great help to kmow that you are nor alone in this world with all your troubles but too much is too much. 

 

Also I realized that I mainly login here to read when I am not feeling well (although in my own profile-thread I did come to write about improvements and milestones of recovery as well). 

 

Recently I am just hungry for conversation with someone else with wd-experience because I am in one terrible wave, worst one for a very one time, and I am at the end of the world far away from home in paradise- only "normal" and happy people all around me😂 I'd love some exchange. 

2005-2006: Cipralex 5 mg

2009-2010: Cipralex 5 mg

2012-2015: Cipralex 5mg, 10mg 

tapered 10mg-7.5mg-5mg-2,5-0 (I always waited for a few weeks on the current dosage until I felt stable. Steps were too big I realized too late)

Completely drug free since August 2015

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hey guys,

 

Glad this may have helped some people. I can totally relate to being triggered by engaging with negativity, it's like a domino effect after that. I find the middle way the best - acknowledge and accept negative situations as they arise (because they always do) without engaging in them, just gently steering attention away over and over again once you notice it has been caught in analysing, worrying, catastrophizing, judging etc. It's a constant practice but the results are worth it ten times over, it's something I have and willd edicate the rest of my life to.

 

This past week has been even better than when I first posted, mainly because I dropped expectations and took each day as it came. I've even had a few glasses of wine with dinner with a friend (not recommending but just to make the point that it had no negative effects). I've been up early every morning writing and planning a trip away in March, cycling, going to meditation class and also volunteering. There is a distinct sense of peace and focus, optimism without overexcitement, and I'm beginning to see each negative emotion as an opportunity to see where I need to be healed more...and all at 2mg of Prozac lol, a few years ago I'd never have believed that was possible. Who knows where things will go over the next few months, my aim is to just go with it.

 

17 hours ago, Downbutnotout said:

I upped to 10 beads today. How will I know if this is too much? I am sure 5 was not enough. I upped to 6 but don’t think that was doing it. How do you know what is the right amount? I feel okay right now. 

Downbutnotout I can't recommend exact dosages as I think it's totally individual, but I do know that it's best to start small and increase a little to see how you feel. There is a great post in the Tapering section that explains reinstatement guidelines. I'm currently taking the liquid version, so am not sure how much 6 beads would be. How long have you been off and when did you reinstate it? Perhaps it would be good to post it on your intro thread so one of the mods can advise you better?

 

2008-2013 - Various meds on and off since age 18 incl. Sertraline, Prozac, Mirtazipine, Abilify. Prescribed for severe OCD.

CT'd several times over these years and reinstated after subsequent psych hospitalisations.

2014-2015 - Clomipramine, quetiapine and Epilum

2015-Jan 2017 - Prozac 40mg (stopped contraceptive pill, most stable period of time)

(Beginning of taper) Jan-October 2017 - Tapered Prozac to zero.

15 Jan 2018 - Reinstated Prozac at 2mg due to acute w/d symptoms

February 2018 - tapered to 1.8mg

May 2018 - reinstated at 5mg due to severe w/d symptoms. 9 month hold, stabilized well at around 6/7 months.

March 2019 - Tapered to 4.9mg

Current supplements: fish oils, probiotic, ashwaganda, colostrum powder, cannabis

 

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  • Moderator Emeritus

I posted this in a member's Intro topic and thought it might help somebody else so I'm posting it here as well:

 

One of the hardest things about this journey is that we can't see what is happening, at least with most of the symptoms.  If we break a bone we could get an x-ray done to see how much healing has taken place.  When we have a cold we can tell when we are starting to improve because our nose doesn't need blowing and wiping as often.  When we have a scratch or burn on our skin we can see the healing process happening.  It would be wonderful to be able to see what work our brain is busy doing as it is doing what it needs to do to regain homoeostasis.

 

The more you understand about what is happening the easier it is to relax, or at least accept, and not stress about it.  Stress diverts the brain's attention away from healing.  It takes time for the brain to do what it needs to do.  The less stress we add the better.  If you haven't already checked out these I suggest you do.  If you have, check them out again:

 

Brain Remodelling

 

What is Happening in Your Brain


Video:  Healing From Antidepressants - Patterns of Recovery

NEW!!!     INTERVIEW with Altostrata, SA's founder    NEW!!! 

 

Plodding along inch by inch:  12" = 1',  3' =  36 " or 1 yard,  1760 yards  = 63,360" or 1 mile

Current from 31 July 2021:  Pristiq 0.1mg

ADs since ~1992:  25+ years - 1 unknown, Prozac (muscle weakness), Zoloft; citalopram (pooped out) CTed (very sick for 2.5 wks a few months after); Pristiq:  50mg 2012, 100mg beg 2013 (Serotonin Toxicity)  Tapering Oct 2015 

My tapering program   My Intro (goes to my tapering graph)  My website

PLEASE NOTE:  I am not a medical professional.  I provide information and make suggestions.

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  • Altostrata changed the title to Acceptance -- A hopeful message for you all
  • 3 weeks later...
On 8/27/2016 at 12:46 AM, JanCarol said:

As I began to love myself I found that anguish and emotional suffering are only warning signs that I was living against my own truth. Today, I know, this is “AUTHENTICITY”.

 

As I began to love myself I understood how much it can offend somebody if I try to force my desires on this person, even though I knew the time was not right and the person was not ready for it, and even though this person was me. Today I call it “RESPECT”.

 

As I began to love myself I stopped craving for a different life, and I could see that everything that surrounded me was inviting me to grow. Today I call it “MATURITY”.

 

As I began to love myself I understood that at any circumstance, I am in the right place at the right time, and everything happens at the exactly right moment. So I could be calm. Today I call it “SELF-CONFIDENCE”.

 

As I began to love myself I quit stealing my own time, and I stopped designing huge projects for the future. Today, I only do what brings me joy and happiness, things I love to do and that make my heart cheer, and I do them in my own way and in my own rhythm. Today I call it “SIMPLICITY”.

 

As I began to love myself I freed myself of anything that is no good for my health – food, people, things, situations, and everything that drew me down and away from myself. At first I called this attitude a healthy egoism. Today I know it is “LOVE OF ONESELF”.

 

As I began to love myself I quit trying to always be right, and ever since I was wrong less of the time. Today I discovered that is “MODESTY”.

 

As I began to love myself I refused to go on living in the past and worrying about the future. Now, I only live for the moment, where everything is happening. Today I live each day, day by day, and I call it “FULFILLMENT”.

 

Reading that made me feel a little more at peace. Thank you for posting it JanCarol.

 

I am still not very accepting of my circumstances, although I hope to be one day. I am fairly accepting of my feelings, but not of how my life is unfolding. One painful thing is that I feel like long and important periods of my youth were taken away unnecessarily by the many medications. Part of me does not even want to be okay with what happened, because I feel like that would just cover up the injustice. Another part of me though wants to have the peace of mind that comes with accepting things as they are. I hope that these things will sort themselves out when I'm ready.

 

Something similar but different is that since going back to work, I have also found myself becoming envious of everyone for having "better" lives than me. It's really miserable to be comparing myself to others, but it's also hard to stop. I have read in a few places now that the problem of comparing can come from not having enough love for one's self. I don't know for sure if this is true, but I'm trying to learn about how people can love themselves more. It's sounding like you start this process by just being nicer to yourself, by checking in with yourself more, and by gravitating towards what makes you genuinely feel better? That's what I've come across at least, so I'll be trying it. 

 

2004: Clonazepam and Celexa. 2005 - 2006: Effexor, then increased to high dose, then switched to Valproate and Seroquel. 2007: Wellbutrin + Strattera + Celexa. 2007 - 2008: Wellbutrin + Adderall + Paxil. 2008 - 2012: Wellbutrin + occasional SSRIs when I had worsened "depression", which happened around 4 times, usually after CT of WB. 2012 - 2014: WB + Sertraline, then WB + Pristiq (awful W/D) then WB + rTMS, then ketamine. 2014 - 2016: Wellbutrin 200 mg + Abilify 4 mg + Adderall 20-40 mg + Cipralex 20 mg. Oct 2016: "Tapered" Cipralex, felt outrageously anxious, irritable. Dec 2016: "Tapered" Adderall, then felt depressed, hopeless, fatigued.  Feb 6 2017: reinstated 20 mg Adderall. Mar 2017: switched to Vyvanse, upped to 30 mg. May - Aug 2017: "Tapered" Vyvanse + Abilify to zero. Oct 25, 2017: Wellbutrin from 200 to 100 mg. Sep 10, 2018:  Wellbutrin from 90 to 60 mg. Oct 29, 2018: WB from 60 to 50 mg. Dec 19, 2018: WB from 50 to 45 mg. Apr 15, 2019: WB 41 mg. May 14, 2019: WB 37 mg. Jun 8, 2019: WB 33 mg. Jul 22: WB 30 mg, then down by around 10% per month. Aug 2020: 0

 

Working hard to take my life back. Anything I say here is as a friend or peer supporter; it is not medical advice.

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  • Moderator
13 hours ago, Marmot said:

I am still not very accepting of my circumstances, although I hope to be one day. I am fairly accepting of my feelings, but not of how my life is unfolding. One painful thing is that I feel like long and important periods of my youth were taken away unnecessarily by the many medications

 

Hey Marmot - there are times when this can be healed through acknowledging and expressing your anger.

 

And there are times when anger is very appropriate.  Not victim thinking - "this was done to me," but there are times to rant at the doctors, the system, the universe for what has happened.  Ecclesiastes and all that.  The right time, place and methods of accepting anger - like in Ecclesiastes "A time to be Born, A time to die. A time to hang on, a time to let go" - are a fine art, and are part and parcel of Acceptance.

 

It's tricky, because you can get caught in anger spirals - but there are healthy, creative ways to work through this - writing, art, music.  When you get it out of your body, it is then easier to be accepting.

"Easy, easy - just go easy and you'll finish." - Hawaiian Kapuna

 

Holding is hard work, holding is a blessing. Give your brain time to heal before you try again.

 

My suggestions are not medical advice, you are in charge of your own medical choices.

 

A lifetime of being prescribed antidepressants that caused problems (30 years in total). At age 35 flipped to "bipolar," but was not diagnosed for 5 years. Started my journey in Midwest United States. Crossed the Pacific for love and hope; currently living in Australia.   CT Seroquel 25 mg some time in 2013.   Tapered Reboxetine 4 mg Oct 2013 to Sept 2014 = GONE (3 years on Reboxetine).     Tapered Lithium 900 to 475 MG (alternating with the SNRI) Jan 2014 - Nov 2014, tapered Lithium 475 mg Jan 2015 -  Feb 2016 = GONE (10 years  on Lithium).  Many mistakes in dry cutting dosages were made.


The tedious thread (my intro):  JanCarol ☼ Reboxetine first, then Lithium

The happy thread (my success story):  JanCarol - Undiagnosed  Off all bipolar drugs

My own blog:  https://shamanexplorations.com/shamans-blog/

 

 

I have been psych drug FREE since 1 Feb 2016!

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On 6/30/2018 at 2:56 PM, JanCarol said:

 

Hey Marmot - there are times when this can be healed through acknowledging and expressing your anger.

 

And there are times when anger is very appropriate.  Not victim thinking - "this was done to me," but there are times to rant at the doctors, the system, the universe for what has happened.  Ecclesiastes and all that.  The right time, place and methods of accepting anger - like in Ecclesiastes "A time to be Born, A time to die. A time to hang on, a time to let go" - are a fine art, and are part and parcel of Acceptance.

 

It's tricky, because you can get caught in anger spirals - but there are healthy, creative ways to work through this - writing, art, music.  When you get it out of your body, it is then easier to be accepting.

Completely agree. Anger has to get out, such as moaning, even swearing

- 12.03.2021- doxepin- 50mg

- 6.11.2020- 75mg

- 16.10.2020- 100mg

- 30.09.2020- doxepin- 125mg

- May 2020, omeprazole 40mg switched to esomeprazole 20mg

- 2012 re-started Doxepin 75mg, evening. Increased to 150mg

- 2012, Atenolol 25mg, twice a day

- 2016, Low dose of HRT in evening, Sandrena and Utrogestan 

- Long term of Nasal spray Otrivine

- 2012, PPI Omeprazole 40mg-evening

24.10.2014- Started ESCITALOPRAM-first 5mg and then 10mg; due to the adverse symptoms reduced on 5.01.2015- Escitalopram- 2.5mg 22.07.2016- re-started reduction by 1% at a time. Completed tappering on  19.03.2020 😇

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  • 2 weeks later...
On 6/30/2018 at 9:56 AM, JanCarol said:

 

Hey Marmot - there are times when this can be healed through acknowledging and expressing your anger.

 

And there are times when anger is very appropriate.  Not victim thinking - "this was done to me," but there are times to rant at the doctors, the system, the universe for what has happened.  Ecclesiastes and all that.  The right time, place and methods of accepting anger - like in Ecclesiastes "A time to be Born, A time to die. A time to hang on, a time to let go" - are a fine art, and are part and parcel of Acceptance.

 

It's tricky, because you can get caught in anger spirals - but there are healthy, creative ways to work through this - writing, art, music.  When you get it out of your body, it is then easier to be accepting.

Thanks JanCarol and ikam,

 

I ended up moving to the countryside a week or two ago, and now I commute to work because I feel more at peace out here. More moments of joy. I still boil with anger though when I think about how things unfolded for me. This awfulness only started a month or two ago so maybe it will pass on it's own in time. As you said, there will be a time to let go. Right now, I feel so trapped in a life that I don't like very much though because of debt and other things, and I don't know how I got here. Anyway, I'm getting off-topic now on this thread. I should probably move to the regret one. 

 

Cheers,

Marmot

2004: Clonazepam and Celexa. 2005 - 2006: Effexor, then increased to high dose, then switched to Valproate and Seroquel. 2007: Wellbutrin + Strattera + Celexa. 2007 - 2008: Wellbutrin + Adderall + Paxil. 2008 - 2012: Wellbutrin + occasional SSRIs when I had worsened "depression", which happened around 4 times, usually after CT of WB. 2012 - 2014: WB + Sertraline, then WB + Pristiq (awful W/D) then WB + rTMS, then ketamine. 2014 - 2016: Wellbutrin 200 mg + Abilify 4 mg + Adderall 20-40 mg + Cipralex 20 mg. Oct 2016: "Tapered" Cipralex, felt outrageously anxious, irritable. Dec 2016: "Tapered" Adderall, then felt depressed, hopeless, fatigued.  Feb 6 2017: reinstated 20 mg Adderall. Mar 2017: switched to Vyvanse, upped to 30 mg. May - Aug 2017: "Tapered" Vyvanse + Abilify to zero. Oct 25, 2017: Wellbutrin from 200 to 100 mg. Sep 10, 2018:  Wellbutrin from 90 to 60 mg. Oct 29, 2018: WB from 60 to 50 mg. Dec 19, 2018: WB from 50 to 45 mg. Apr 15, 2019: WB 41 mg. May 14, 2019: WB 37 mg. Jun 8, 2019: WB 33 mg. Jul 22: WB 30 mg, then down by around 10% per month. Aug 2020: 0

 

Working hard to take my life back. Anything I say here is as a friend or peer supporter; it is not medical advice.

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  • 1 month later...

Acceptance has been helping a lot since my obsessive thought came back mildly due to WD. I can handle physical discomfort, but impacted brain functions manifested as my obsessive thought was harder to accept. Being unable to fully control your mental state is probably one of the most scariest things because we are so comfortable and confident of being the master of our mind. 

Since I have accepted that obsessive thought is part of my life experience, especially part of WD symptoms, I am more okay with it. 

If I have to live with it for a while, I better make a guest room for it and allow it to come and go.

I am still trying. I hope everyone can find some peace in acceptance. :)

Lexapro 20mg: 2010-2017 (I was doing fine for those years)

PCP recommended tapering in June 2017

Tapering instructed by PCP:

  • 20mg & 10mg every other day: 6/2017-12/2017, No sx
  • 10mg: 12/2017-2/2018, Anxiety and hormone imbalance 
  • Restated 15mg: 2/2018-7/12/2018, No Sx

Self Tapering:

---------digital scale weighing method below-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

2018

  • 15mg & 12.5mg every other day:7/12- 8/8, No sx
  • 12.5mg : 8/9- 8/28: palpitation, brain fog, diarrhea, dreams, obsessive thought. Subsided on 8/29.
  • 11.2mg: 9/14 -10/12: mild sx. Subsided by 9/27/2018.
  • 10.2mg: 10/13 - 11/7: lethargy, mild shoulder pain. Subsided in 2 wks.
  • 9.2mg: 11/7- 12/10: no sx

2019

  • 8.4mg: 12/11/18- 1/7/19: mild sx. Subsided in 3 days.
  • 7.3mg: 1/8-1/26/: no sx
  • 6.6mg: 1/27-2/25: pain, palpitation, anxiety. Subsided in 1 wk.
  • 5.67mg(15% cut): 2/26-3/26: dreams, pain, palpitation. Subsided in 2 wks.
  • 5mg: 3/26-4/25: no sx.
  • 4.1mg: 4/26-5/19: slight palpitation, gone by 5/8.
  • 3.4mg:5/20-6/23: no sx
  • 2.8mg:6/24-7/21: palpitation, anxiety and dreams. subsided after 2 wks.
  • 2.45mg:7/22-8/18: slight palpitation, down mood, gone by 1st week; diarrhea daily. subsided after 3 wks.
  • 2.1mg:8/19-9/18: slight palpitation, dreams, constipation. gone by 3rd wk.
  • 1.69mg: 9/19-10/16: slight WD sx.
  • 1.38mg: 10/17-11/18: anxiety, depression sx. gone by 4th week.
  • 1.17mg: 11/19-12/16: 2nd week-somatic pain, anxiety, diarrhea, better by 3rd wk.

2020 (new year yay!)

  • 0.92mg: 12/17/2019-1/26/2020: holding, has been 6 wks: somatic pain, down mood, dream, some diarrhea.
  • 0.76mg: 1/27-3/1: somatic pain, palpitation in first 2 wks, diarrhea in 3rd wk, gone by 4th week.
  • 0.65mg: 3/2-3/28: I did not track sx
  • 0.55mg: 3/29-5/5: I did not track sx
  • 0.46mg:5/6-6/3: overall mood is a little low, sad and pessimistic sometimes, sensitive towards stress. stabilized after 4wks.
  •  0.38mg: 6/4-7/19: depressed mood, sensitive towards loud sound, improved after 1 month
  • 0.31mg:7/20-8/23:depressed mood initially, sensitive towards loud sound, improved after 1 month
  • 0.23mg: 8/24-10/4: depressed, somatic pain, less , social, easily cry, low motivation. got better after almost 2 months!

--------- Homemade liquid solution below------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

  • 0.15mg :10/5-11/5: pain in shoulder, depressed, gone after 1st week.
  • 0.13mg:11/6/20- 12/7/20: depressed. stable after 1 month.

2021 (new year yay!)

  • 0.11mg: 12/8/20-1/3/21:depressed, pain in shoulder, ease after 1 month.
  • 0.097mg: 1/4/21-3/7/21: depressed, anxiety, mood swing, pain in shoulder. improved after 2 mons.
  • 0.084mg: 3/8/21-5/9/21: increased anxiety, shoulder pain, difficulty concentration, negative thinking pattern. improved after 2mons.
  • 0.071mg: 5/10/21-now: increased anxiety, shoulder pain, difficulty concentration, negative thinking, lack of motivation
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  • ChessieCat changed the title to BellaC: Tapering escitalopram / Lexapro
  • Moderator
manymoretodays

Nice thoughts BellaC.

Would you like to start an Introduction for yourself in our Introductions section?

Started with psycho meds/psychiatric care circa 1988.  In retrospect, and on contemplation, situational overwhelm.

Rounding up to 30 years of medications(30 medication trials, poly-pharmacy maximum was 3 at one time).

5/28/2015-off Adderal salts 2.5mg. (I had been on that since hospital 10/2014)

12/2015---just holding, holding, holding, with trileptal/oxcarb at 75 mg. 1/2 tab at hs.  My last psycho med ever!  Tapered @ 10% every 4 weeks, sometimes 2 weeks to

2016 Dec 16 medication free!!

Longer signature post here, with current supplements.

Herb and alcohol free since 5/15/2016. 

None of my posts are intended as medical advice.  Please discuss any decisions about your medical care with a knowledgeable medical provider. manymoretodays

 

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Wow, I just read through this whole thread.  I think acceptance is the biggest hurdle for me right now.  I am constantly trying to improve everything in my body, from having the perfect bowl movement, to making sure every number on my blood tests are good.  Trying this supplement, to this supplement thinking it will fix everything.  I am constantly trying to fix everything instead of trying to accept it.  If you look at my introduction thread I had some recent stresses that caused me have a setback with my Lexapro.  I was at 1.50mg but had to go back up to 2.0mg to try and stabilize.  I learned a lot to go much slower at these lower doses, but also that there are going to be issues coming down from this medicine and that I need to just ACCEPT them.

 

I am having some insomnia right now and cant sleep.  A year and a half ago when I went on this I felt like I was dying and was hopeless like nothing was getting better.  I only got 3 hours of sleep last night but I am doing good.  I accept it and I dont fight it..  If i dont sleep I just do something else.  If I accept all my issues and stop ruminating on trying to fix everything and just learn to live with it.   My gut feeling is that every problem I have it will get better and I will be a better person.

 

I love this thread and I hope it keeps going so I can share more throughout this journey of mine.  

February 2017 started Ambien (Whatever the highest dose was) and Ativan 1.5mg

March 2017 started lexapro.  15mg  -Weaned off Ativan after about 2 months on it. 

Weaned off Ambien after 4 months on it every night.  Lexapro starting working and didn't need it.

April 2018 started reduced Lexapro.  15mg-12.5mg.

May 18' 10mg, June 18' 7.5mg, July 18' 5mg, August 18' 4.5mg, Sept 18' 4.0mg, Oct 18' 3.5mg, Nov 18' 3.0mg.

Jan 19' 2.5mg, February 19' 2.0mg, From here I went about .10mg drops at a time and sometimes more every 2 weeks depending on how I feel.  That was from February-August 20th 2019.

I got to .30mg and decided to jump off.  It was so small and decided I needed to face my fears.  I created nueral pathways in my brain that I was fearing withdrawal.

Lexapro 0.0mg 8/20/2019

 

 

 

 

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  • 3 months later...
  • Moderator Emeritus

I wrote this to a member recently and thought it might be helpful for other members:

 

Use the image of waiting in a queue, the line gradually gets shorter.  When you are in a queue you can't make it move any quicker than it does.  You have no control over it.  All you can do is wait in the line.  How you wait is what is going to make a difference.  You can either be impatient and start getting irritable and think bad things and complain to the other people who might start swearing at you which makes you feel worse or you can try to be patient and calm and try and think of nice things and look at the things around you.  It's going to take the same amount of time for you to get to the head of the queue but you can either make the experience of waiting pleasant or unpleasant (ie try to stay as calm as possible or add stress to the wait).

 

 

Edited by ChessieCat

NEW!!!     INTERVIEW with Altostrata, SA's founder    NEW!!! 

 

Plodding along inch by inch:  12" = 1',  3' =  36 " or 1 yard,  1760 yards  = 63,360" or 1 mile

Current from 31 July 2021:  Pristiq 0.1mg

ADs since ~1992:  25+ years - 1 unknown, Prozac (muscle weakness), Zoloft; citalopram (pooped out) CTed (very sick for 2.5 wks a few months after); Pristiq:  50mg 2012, 100mg beg 2013 (Serotonin Toxicity)  Tapering Oct 2015 

My tapering program   My Intro (goes to my tapering graph)  My website

PLEASE NOTE:  I am not a medical professional.  I provide information and make suggestions.

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that's a wonderful analogy ChessieCat

 

thanks for sharing it!

 

it's so appropriate for the experience of healing from psych meds.

it's just going to take as long as it does.

we have no control over that, but we do have control over how we use that time while we wait to heal.

 

 

  • pysch med history: 1974 @ age 18 to Oct 2017 (approx 43 yrs total)
  •  Drug list: stelazine, haldol, elavil, lithium, zoloft, celexa, lexapro(doses as high as 40mgs), klonopin, ambien, seroquel(high doses), depakote, zyprexa, lamictal- plus brief trials of dozens of other psych meds over the years
  • started lexapro 2002, dose varied from 20mgs to 40mgs. I tried to get off it several times. WD symptoms were mistaken for "relapse". 
  •  2013 too fast taper down to 5mg but WD forced me back to 20mgs
  •  June of 2105, tapered again too rapidly to 2.5mgs by Dec 2015. Found SA, held at 2.5 mgs til May 2016 when I foolishly "jumped off". Crashed in Sept, reinstated at 0.3mgs in Oct. 2106
  • Tapered off to zero by  Oct. 2017 Doing very well
  • Nov. 2018 feel 95% healed, current age 63 
  • Jan. 2020 feel 100% healed, peaceful and content 
  • April 2021, loving life ❤️ 
 
Link to post
JackieDecides
20 hours ago, ChessieCat said:

Use the image of waiting in a queue, the line gradually gets shorter.  When you are in a queue you can't make it move any quicker than it does.  You have no control over it.  All you can do is wait in the line.  How you wait is what is going to make a difference.  You can either be impatient and start getting irritable and think bad things and complain to the other people who might start swearing at you which makes you feel worse or you can try to be patient and calm and try and think of nice things and look at the things around you.  It's going to take the same amount of time for you to get to the head of the queue but you can either make the experience of waiting pleasant or unpleasant (ie try to stay as calm as possible or add stress to the wait).

 

brilliant! 

Currently taking Ramapril (blood pressure) 5 mg twice a day

Omeprazole 10 mg AM and 20 mg PM  (the taper has gone nowhere after the first cut)

Famotidine   once a day (and I still needs tums sometimes)

magnesium 200 mg at night

as of yesterday 2 fish oil capsules "EPA-DHA 1000"

 

off Lexapro as of 5/2018  - last dose had been 5 mg every other day for a couple years

 

highest dose had been 20 mg at which point I was diagnosed with Bipolar II, which went away when I cut the lexapro down to 15 mg. 

 

I spent years on Paxil before Lexapro (can't remember dose), briefly on Effexor and Abilify and others I have forgotten. in fact, when I was diagnoses with BPII I was put on all kinds of things which made me feel so bad I stopped them cold turkey within maybe 3 or 4 weeks, thank goodness. since then I've known these pills were terrible and I weaned down the Lexapro with zero help or support over I'm not sure how many years. 

 

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  • 3 weeks later...

a good definition of acceptance.

 

“As human beings, not only do we seek resolution, but we also feel that we deserve resolution.

However, not only do we not deserve resolution, we suffer from resolution.

We don't deserve resolution; we deserve something better than that.

We deserve our birthright, which is the middle way, an open state of mind that can relax with paradox and ambiguity.”

 

Pema Chodron

june 2014 to feb  2015- on xanax 0.25 to 1mg/day- then CT - jan 2016 - panic attack, went on 3.75mg remeron to sleep march 2016- CT remeron (because it caused me tinnitus)- deep depression, couldn't sleep because of  intrusive Tinnitus

april to june 2016- valium 4mg, xanax as needed, lunesta 3mg

june 2016 - valium 4mg, lexapro 10mg

oct 2016- valium 2mg, lexapro 10mg- hold

march 2017- started daily micro liquid taper of valium and lex- -taper speed 0.0033mg valium daily and 0.033mg lex daily

may 2018- valium 1mg, lexapro 2.4mg - i had to slow down the rate of my daily micro taper considerably

LAST dose of Lexapro: 0.05mg on 05/17/19

LAST dose of valium: 0.04mg on 08/18/19

April 26th 2020- intense panic attack that lasted 4 days, akatisia, 0 sleep- suicidal, almost hospitalized- took rescue doses over 2 days- total: 1.5mg xanax, 18mg valium, 2x5mg lexapro

 

 

 

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3 hours ago, xyz said:

a good definition of acceptance.

 

“As human beings, not only do we seek resolution, but we also feel that we deserve resolution.

However, not only do we not deserve resolution, we suffer from resolution.

We don't deserve resolution; we deserve something better than that.

We deserve our birthright, which is the middle way, an open state of mind that can relax with paradox and ambiguity.”

 

Pema Chodron

 

that's a great quote xyz!!

 

 

  • pysch med history: 1974 @ age 18 to Oct 2017 (approx 43 yrs total)
  •  Drug list: stelazine, haldol, elavil, lithium, zoloft, celexa, lexapro(doses as high as 40mgs), klonopin, ambien, seroquel(high doses), depakote, zyprexa, lamictal- plus brief trials of dozens of other psych meds over the years
  • started lexapro 2002, dose varied from 20mgs to 40mgs. I tried to get off it several times. WD symptoms were mistaken for "relapse". 
  •  2013 too fast taper down to 5mg but WD forced me back to 20mgs
  •  June of 2105, tapered again too rapidly to 2.5mgs by Dec 2015. Found SA, held at 2.5 mgs til May 2016 when I foolishly "jumped off". Crashed in Sept, reinstated at 0.3mgs in Oct. 2106
  • Tapered off to zero by  Oct. 2017 Doing very well
  • Nov. 2018 feel 95% healed, current age 63 
  • Jan. 2020 feel 100% healed, peaceful and content 
  • April 2021, loving life ❤️ 
 
Link to post

A video by Eckhart Tolle: "The Power of Acceptance": https://bit.ly/2QtwjFN 

 

09/2011- 01/2014: 10mg Cipralex / 02/2014: increased to 15mg Cipralex

02/2014 - 10/2016: 15mg Cipralex / 11/2016: reduced to 12.5mg Cipralex (over 2 weeks)

12/2016: reduced to 10mg Cipralex (over 2 weeks) / 01/2017 - 09/2018: 10mg Cipralex

10/2018 - 11/2018: reduced gradually to 7.5mg Cipralex / 12/2018: found SA & first learned about the 10% taper method

01/2019 - 07/2019: held (lots of physical & psychological wd symptoms)

09/08/2019: 7.0mg / 09/29/2019: 6.9mg / 03/25/2020: 6.7mg

04/16/2020: 6.6mg (0.084) / 05/10/2020: 6.5mg (0.083) / 06/01/2020: 6.4mg (0.081) / 07/12/2020: 6.3mg (0.079-0.080)

07/26/2020: 6.2mg (0.078-0.0.79) / 09/07/2020: 6.1mg (0.077-0.0.78) / 10/06/2020: 6.0 mg (0.076-0.0.77) /

10/27/2020: 5.9 mg (0.075-0.0.76) / 11/30/2020: 5.8 mg (0.073-0.74) / December-February 22, 2020: 5.4mg  (0.069-0.070) / 02/23/2020: 5.4mg (0.068-0.069) / 03/6/2020: 5.3mg (0.067-0.068) 04/09/2020: 5.3mg (0.066-0.067) 04/21/2020: 5.1mg (0.064-0.065) / 06/01/21/2021: 4.8mg (0.061-0.062) 06/09/2020: 4.7mg (0.060-0.061)

 

Please Note: I am not a medical professional. Consult a knowledgeable

medical professional when making decisions about your medical care. 

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hi AbbyElfie

just wondering how you are doing

:)

 

  • pysch med history: 1974 @ age 18 to Oct 2017 (approx 43 yrs total)
  •  Drug list: stelazine, haldol, elavil, lithium, zoloft, celexa, lexapro(doses as high as 40mgs), klonopin, ambien, seroquel(high doses), depakote, zyprexa, lamictal- plus brief trials of dozens of other psych meds over the years
  • started lexapro 2002, dose varied from 20mgs to 40mgs. I tried to get off it several times. WD symptoms were mistaken for "relapse". 
  •  2013 too fast taper down to 5mg but WD forced me back to 20mgs
  •  June of 2105, tapered again too rapidly to 2.5mgs by Dec 2015. Found SA, held at 2.5 mgs til May 2016 when I foolishly "jumped off". Crashed in Sept, reinstated at 0.3mgs in Oct. 2106
  • Tapered off to zero by  Oct. 2017 Doing very well
  • Nov. 2018 feel 95% healed, current age 63 
  • Jan. 2020 feel 100% healed, peaceful and content 
  • April 2021, loving life ❤️ 
 
Link to post
  • ChessieCat changed the title to Acceptance - A hopeful message for you all
  • 2 weeks later...
On 1/29/2018 at 6:27 PM, AbbyElfie said:

But as soon as I began getting too involved in the world of 'withdrawal', all of that was thrown into doubt.

 

thank you so much. This is oh so true.

 

i often use the phrase psychologists use: do not think of a pink elephant (which of course must fail)

and I always have to smile saying this. 

 

I could also say „do not think of the world of withdrawl“. Mindfulness is the only way out of this and I used to be so good at it. But during the last year (being severely overmedicated and in wd) I got so obsessed with medication, than withdrawl, now symptoms that it is very hard to practice mindfulness. I have to adjust it in a way that I can do some of it even under these worst Scenarios where I am obsessed with symptoms, etc. or do it at times during the day when this obsession is less dominant. 

I always loved mindfulness, why is it so difficult in wd now? I don‘t know how to find strength in this as I used to.

maybe because of all the agony and arousel.

 

i know that I have never been obsessed with anything before I started my snri!!

2010-2018 sertralin, venlafaxin, cymbalta 120 mg, march bupropio, Lorazepam 4 to 0,5 mg qetiapine 200-400 mg Apr mirtazapin 30 - 45 mg, lo tapered, to 0; Apr switch to diazepam 3 mg; jun/jul 15mg, taper to approx. 4,5 mg, Aug: 200 to 400 mg q, 50 mg levomepromazine, m 45 to 30 mg; since tapered q 400-230 mg, m 30 to 15 mg, 1dez m to 16 mg, 4dez 250 mg q, 31. dec 200 mg q

March 1, 2019 - 200 mg quetiapine, 4,5 mg diazepam, 16 mg mirtazapine

March 3, 2019 - 200 mg quetiapine, 4,0 mg diazepam, 16 mg mirtazapine

March 4, 2019 - 200 mg quetiapine, 4,2 mg diazepam,16 mg mirtazapine, 

june 5, 2019 - 100 mg quetiapine, 3 mg Diazepam, 12,185 mg mirtazapine 

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Hi @Happy2Heal and @Tanha, sorry for the late reply. Things are improving a lot the past few weeks after a rollercoaster year. It's funny what you mention about mindfulness, I felt like I'd 'lost' the ability during bad waves of w/d. But I'm remembering again that's it's not a skill we learn, it's who we really are underneath all the layers. I was distraught spiritually over this in the past year, but I'm slowly adjusting to the idea that there's nothing to fear except fear itself. You'll always come back to yourself, somehow, it's more of a matter of when, not if. I'll update properly on my intro topic! Hope things are going okay for you too

2008-2013 - Various meds on and off since age 18 incl. Sertraline, Prozac, Mirtazipine, Abilify. Prescribed for severe OCD.

CT'd several times over these years and reinstated after subsequent psych hospitalisations.

2014-2015 - Clomipramine, quetiapine and Epilum

2015-Jan 2017 - Prozac 40mg (stopped contraceptive pill, most stable period of time)

(Beginning of taper) Jan-October 2017 - Tapered Prozac to zero.

15 Jan 2018 - Reinstated Prozac at 2mg due to acute w/d symptoms

February 2018 - tapered to 1.8mg

May 2018 - reinstated at 5mg due to severe w/d symptoms. 9 month hold, stabilized well at around 6/7 months.

March 2019 - Tapered to 4.9mg

Current supplements: fish oils, probiotic, ashwaganda, colostrum powder, cannabis

 

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@AbbyElfie

 

thank you so much. I am so scared of not having a self anymore that does not consist of pain or fear. Your words give me a little hope. 

2010-2018 sertralin, venlafaxin, cymbalta 120 mg, march bupropio, Lorazepam 4 to 0,5 mg qetiapine 200-400 mg Apr mirtazapin 30 - 45 mg, lo tapered, to 0; Apr switch to diazepam 3 mg; jun/jul 15mg, taper to approx. 4,5 mg, Aug: 200 to 400 mg q, 50 mg levomepromazine, m 45 to 30 mg; since tapered q 400-230 mg, m 30 to 15 mg, 1dez m to 16 mg, 4dez 250 mg q, 31. dec 200 mg q

March 1, 2019 - 200 mg quetiapine, 4,5 mg diazepam, 16 mg mirtazapine

March 3, 2019 - 200 mg quetiapine, 4,0 mg diazepam, 16 mg mirtazapine

March 4, 2019 - 200 mg quetiapine, 4,2 mg diazepam,16 mg mirtazapine, 

june 5, 2019 - 100 mg quetiapine, 3 mg Diazepam, 12,185 mg mirtazapine 

Link to post
2 minutes ago, Tanha said:

@AbbyElfie

 

thank you so much. I am so scared of not having a self anymore that does not consist of pain or fear. Your words give me a little hope. 

 

You're most welcome. No matter how much fear you can't ever lose your true self. There's so much possibility in us, it's endless. Much love to you, I'm sure you'll remember this experientially when the time is right x

2008-2013 - Various meds on and off since age 18 incl. Sertraline, Prozac, Mirtazipine, Abilify. Prescribed for severe OCD.

CT'd several times over these years and reinstated after subsequent psych hospitalisations.

2014-2015 - Clomipramine, quetiapine and Epilum

2015-Jan 2017 - Prozac 40mg (stopped contraceptive pill, most stable period of time)

(Beginning of taper) Jan-October 2017 - Tapered Prozac to zero.

15 Jan 2018 - Reinstated Prozac at 2mg due to acute w/d symptoms

February 2018 - tapered to 1.8mg

May 2018 - reinstated at 5mg due to severe w/d symptoms. 9 month hold, stabilized well at around 6/7 months.

March 2019 - Tapered to 4.9mg

Current supplements: fish oils, probiotic, ashwaganda, colostrum powder, cannabis

 

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  • 2 weeks later...
  • Moderator Emeritus
2 hours ago, Leo1983 said:

 

I have been looking at reassurance seeking in wd.which i understand like all of us in wd. 

 

When will i be better? Will i get better? Can i just ask? Am i defo guna heal. 

 

Theres alot of evidence to suggest when we do this it makes us feel better for a small amount of time and then we appear to feel more depressed and back to needing reassured again. I notice i can have a telephone call and be told you will heal. Put down the phone and think i feel ok, im guna do this.... then 20 minutes later i need it again to male me feel better. Actually what we are doing is exhausting ourselves as its like pouring water through a net. 

 

Its helped me to accept this more.. obviously im not happy about it but talking about it all day is exhausting me more. 

 

 

NEW!!!     INTERVIEW with Altostrata, SA's founder    NEW!!! 

 

Plodding along inch by inch:  12" = 1',  3' =  36 " or 1 yard,  1760 yards  = 63,360" or 1 mile

Current from 31 July 2021:  Pristiq 0.1mg

ADs since ~1992:  25+ years - 1 unknown, Prozac (muscle weakness), Zoloft; citalopram (pooped out) CTed (very sick for 2.5 wks a few months after); Pristiq:  50mg 2012, 100mg beg 2013 (Serotonin Toxicity)  Tapering Oct 2015 

My tapering program   My Intro (goes to my tapering graph)  My website

PLEASE NOTE:  I am not a medical professional.  I provide information and make suggestions.

Link to post
  • 4 weeks later...

I feel like acceptance is something I halfway do.  I still resist a lot of what is going on with me. Not wanting to accept that these are the cards. Some days certain things are easier to accept than others, but generally I just want some semblance of my previous life back soon. I don’t really know how to get there or if I will and that’s is another thing I struggle to accept...

 

My therapist was telling me the other day about the spider wasp and how it implants it’s eggs in a spider but the spider is still alive and has to stay alive until the eggs hatch. He was telling me that the spider despite being a victim is nature’s best example of acceptance of suffering. He was telling me to be more like the spider and I was just like I don’t want to!

2001-2017-worked my way up from 25mg of zoloft and 2mg of Concerta to 200mg of zoloft and 36mg of Concerta

February 2017-Stopped Concerta cold turkey

September 2017-Added 2mg of Abilify

November 2017-came off Abilify

December 2017-began taper of zoloft 50mg a week while tapering on to Viibryd

January 2018-back on zoloft 200mg

February 2018--tapered off zoloft over a month onto 40mg of prozac

April 2018-CT prozac due to suspected "serotonin syndrome"

 

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  • 3 weeks later...

Acceptance for me is hard.  Because I feel like I caused myself to be where im at.  I beat myself up.  Its hard to accept it when you constantly say "I should have done this, I should have done that".  But this is definitely something I need to work on. 

 9/2018- lexapro low dose few days.11/3/2018- zoloft 2 days

11/7/18  - 11/15/18 - Prozac 9 days, from 10 mg for week, to 20

11/16  inpatient put on Lexapro for a few days, Cymbalta, 2 days

11/24-12/8 - gabapentin 100 mg 3xs per day - a very fast taper

1/7 - tbuspar for  three days- blurry vision, jerky eye

1/17/19 - 2/15/19- mirtazapine 15 mg - started taper on 1/30 

2/20/19 gabapentin 600 mg. .  12/20-  taper finished

2/20/19 - seroquel 25 mg current - taken at bedtime around 10 pm

2/20/19- luvox (generic) 25 mg.  4/6- 18.75 mg . Held long time to taper gaba,  1/7- 18.75 to 15 - 20%, 2/7- 12.5 mg, 3/7 -10 mg, 4/1- 9 mg, 5/1- 8.1 mg, 5/27- updose to .052 (10 mg) due to anxiety (too fast taper),  6/21-  in patient updose to 50 mg, 6/25- reinstate to 10 mg (holding here)

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  • manymoretodays changed the title to Acceptance and Hope

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