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Acceptance and Hope


starlitegirlx

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On 2/7/2019 at 8:07 AM, Leo1983 said:

I have been looking at reassurance seeking in wd.which i understand like all of us in wd. 

 

When will i be better? Will i get better? Can i just ask? Am i defo guna heal. 

 

Theres alot of evidence to suggest when we do this it makes us feel better for a small amount of time and then we appear to feel more depressed and back to needing reassured again. I notice i can have a telephone call and be told you will heal. Put down the phone and think i feel ok, im guna do this.... then 20 minutes later i need it again to male me feel better. Actually what we are doing is exhausting ourselves as its like pouring water through a net. 

 

Its helped me to accept this more.. obviously im not happy about it but talking about it all day is exhausting me more. 

 

love this.

 

Edited by ChessieCat
fixed up quote

 9/2018- lexapro for 5 days - was low- dose rigid muscles

11/3/2018- zoloft 2 days, starting dose is.intrusive thoughts

11/7/18  - 11/15/18 - Prozac 9 days, from 10 mg for week, to 20 mg 

11/16  inpatient put on Lexapro for a few days,  Cymbalta, 2 days

11/24-12/8 - gabapentin 100 mg 3xs per day - a very fast taper

1/7 - t buspar for  three days- blurry vision, jerky eye

1/17/19 - 2/15/19- mirtazapine 15 mg - started taper on 1/30 fast

2/15/19 - inpatient .2/17-abilify, topamax given.  next day changed

2/20/19 gabapentin 600 mg, 6/5 -545 mg ,8/21  494 mg , 9/30 444mg, 11/14 399 mg, 12/10- 360 mg, 1/21-342 mg, 2/11- 324 mg -  12/20-  taper finished 

2/20/19 - seroquel 25 mg 

2/20- luvox (generic) 25 mg, 4/6- 18.75 mg (current)

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Acceptance is so hard. To just allow yourself to be where you are and not fight against it, not be mad about it, to get past feeling sad or anxious and just let it be, like it doesn't even matter beca

I'm sorry you're having such a rough time. I'm approaching 50 and know what that's like. I'm 44 and feel like this is insane that I'm going through this crap now. But all roads led to this.   If acc

thanks for the encouragment!!!   Those darn neuro emotions are really getting me! Your topic really hit me where I am at.   Despite how bad WD has been, I know that am fortunate to be able to do

Great.

 

Pleased it helped. Its very true. 

 

Lee

May 2016 - Aug 2016 - Prozac 20mg

 

March 2017 - June 2017 - Sertraline 100mg. Horrific withdrawal 5 m onths.

 

July 2017 - Aug 2017 - Mirtazapine 15mg. Horrific.

 

August 2017 - December 2017 Fluoxetine 10mg for 2 weeks ghen Escitalopram 20mg for 12 weeks. Never felt normal since this. Or baseline.

 

March 2018 - June 2018 - Escitalopram 5mg for 12 weeks. Stopped and here i am full of symptoms i never had.

 

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1 hour ago, Leo1983 said:

Great.

 

Pleased it helped. Its very true. 

 

Lee

It is.  I think it's also why we resort to the meds to begin with.  We want that reassurance that it will work and we will get better.  Its exhausting.  

 9/2018- lexapro for 5 days - was low- dose rigid muscles

11/3/2018- zoloft 2 days, starting dose is.intrusive thoughts

11/7/18  - 11/15/18 - Prozac 9 days, from 10 mg for week, to 20 mg 

11/16  inpatient put on Lexapro for a few days,  Cymbalta, 2 days

11/24-12/8 - gabapentin 100 mg 3xs per day - a very fast taper

1/7 - t buspar for  three days- blurry vision, jerky eye

1/17/19 - 2/15/19- mirtazapine 15 mg - started taper on 1/30 fast

2/15/19 - inpatient .2/17-abilify, topamax given.  next day changed

2/20/19 gabapentin 600 mg, 6/5 -545 mg ,8/21  494 mg , 9/30 444mg, 11/14 399 mg, 12/10- 360 mg, 1/21-342 mg, 2/11- 324 mg -  12/20-  taper finished 

2/20/19 - seroquel 25 mg 

2/20- luvox (generic) 25 mg, 4/6- 18.75 mg (current)

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  • 2 months later...
TurkeyCold

When we are no longer able to change a situation - we are challenged to change ourselves. (Viktor Frankl)

 

In my opinion acceptance is THE fundamental tooI to get through withdrawal especially if it's a severe and heavy one, otherwise the wheel of time will literally kill you in its slowness. It almost killed me. For me acceptance is highly related to a thoroughly developed sense of realism:

 

Am I able to work?

Am I able to deal with social contacts?

Can I read something?

Am I interested in listening to something?

What am I capable of doing at all?

Who brought me into this situation?

Who will get me out of this situation?

What means can help me to heal?

And so on ...

When we are no longer able to change a situation - we are challenged to change ourselves.

 

It's these pragmatical questions that helped me making something of a situation that is/was unbearable most of the time and appears unfair. Being stuck in withdrawal and waiting passively for the old life to go on feels like hell, nevertheless that's how I dealt with my CT the first few months. You're new life is already there, take the chance and make something of it. Use the chance to get to know yourself, your body, your mind, your expectations and illusions.

 

And lastly I experience acceptance itself as a wave, sometimes it's there sometimes not, sometimes it's in-between crest and through. And even this can be accepted in yourself when you create spaces of allowance, acceptance and forgiveness.

 

C.

Medical history:
11/2015 - Duloxetin 30mg, 12/2015 - Duloxetin 60mg, 4/2016 - CT
8/2016 - Duloxetin 60mg, 2/2017 - Duloxetin 30mg, 4/2017 - CT
7/2017 - Duloxetin 60mg, 9/2017 - Duloxetin 30mg, 11/2017 - CT
3.5.2018 - Milnacipran 25mg, 10.5.2018 - Milnacipran 50mg, 20.5.2018 - Milnacipran 25mg, 24.5.2018 - CT and protracted WD

 

Supplements: none

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  • 1 month later...

I can relate to the topic of acceptance. I have begun to accept my situation and it does give me some peace. I am nearly halfway through reducing my meds. I am a little excited of the prospect of being free of AD. I will do this. X

1984 to present date various ADs.1995-present Thyroxine 100 mcg. 19 Feb 2019 stopped Venlafaxine 150mg cold turkey. 06 March 2019 restarted Ven 125mg. 04 April 2019 9 beads. 02 May 2019 8 beads 01July 2019 7 beads.18 Aug 2019 6 beads. 24 Sept 2019 5.50 beads. 11 October 2019 5 beads 62.50 mg 5th May 2020 Reinstated Ven 125 mg XR 9 pills 9th Nov 2020 Update Started splitting dose 5th Nov 5 pills 9.15am & 4 pills 10.15am 7th Nov 5 pills 9.15am & 4 pills 11.15am 8th Nov 5 pills 9.15am & 4 pills 12.15pm 9th Nov 5 pills 9.15am & 4 pills 1.15pm 10th Nov 5 pills 9.15am & 4 pills @ 10.15am and holding.

02/02/2021 can’t stabilise without symptoms. 
03/02/21 9 mini pills @ 10am 

Omega 3 EPA 955 mg & DHA 825 mg & Mag Glyc 250mg

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  • 1 month later...
  • Moderator

Excellent post on acceptance.  I was told by a therapist that I'm a fighter.  So I'm working on accepting my WD waves, and not fighting them.  You can't fight with the wind.  

***Please note this is not medical advice.  Discuss any decisions about your medical care with a doctor who understands psych meds and how to withdraw from them, if you can find one.

Lexapro   Started Apr 15 02 - 10 mg; Jan 19 20  0.2 mg;  Apr 2  0.18 mg; Jul 16  0.17 mg, Aug 23  0.16 mg, Oct 7  0.15 mg, Nov 8 - 0.14, Jan 16 '21 - 0.13, Feb 7 - 0.12, Feb 22 - 0.11 

Trazodone.  used 50 mg once every 4-7 days for sleep, stopped

Xanax. used 0.5 mg once every 4-7 days for sleep, stopped

Benadryl 50 mg, Ibuprofen 800 mg, or Tylenol 1000 mg

other meds: Levothyroxine 75 mg

suppl AM: fish oil, flax oil, multivitamin, vit C, vit E, calcium

suppl PM: magnesium 350 mg, GABA 750 mg, Estroven, melatonin 3 mg, calcium

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  • Mentor
FarmGirlWorks
On 3/22/2019 at 1:15 PM, BfromNJ said:

 

Acceptance for me is hard.  Because I feel like I caused myself to be where im at.  I beat myself up.  Its hard to accept it when you constantly say "I should have done this, I should have done that".  But this is definitely something I need to work

 

I agree. I can accept for short amounts of time then, especially if anxiety hits, I want external confirmation that I’m going to get (more) better. Last night, I dreamt that I was asking someone, “does it get any better than this?” God, I hope so but acceptance dictates that I am cool with whatever is happening. I continually remind myself that we are all doing our best. When I got on these horrid drugs, I was doing my best, trying to survive. 

  • Prozac | late 2004-mid-2005 | CT WD in a couple months, mostly emotional
  • Sertraline 50-100mg | 11/2011-3/2014, 10/2014-3/2017
  • Sertraline fast taper March 2017, 4 weeks, OFF sertraline April 1, 2017
  • Quit alcohol May 20, 2017, quit coffee October 2017, quit cannabis 😩 July 2018
  • Magnesium powder, fish oil, estradiol, kombucha, gluten/dairy/histamine-lite
  • Lifestyle changes: AA, kundalini practice

 

"If you've seen a monster, even if it's horrible, that's evidence of divinity." – Damien Echols

 

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  • 9 months later...
HopefulDawn
On 1/29/2018 at 5:27 PM, TreeElf said:

Hey guys,

 

I wanted to come back here and just pass on a few things that may help someone. My full story is in the introductions section, but I weaned off Prozac over last year (did the last bit a little too quickly) and due to a variety of factors had a few episodes of intense withdrawal symptoms over Christmas and the start of January.

 

I reinstated at 2mg recently and am glad to report I'm doing absolutely fantastic. However, I noticed a few patterns which caused me to go into symptom mode. Number 1 was reading too many posts on the forum - I used to be a moderator on an OCD support forum and am aware of the dangers of excessive forum use! In fact it was one of the first things we'd advise newbies to the site. In the week before I reinstated, I went into a mode that I hadn't done for a long time. I was checking for success stories, reading other people's symptoms, and was preoccupied with my health for most of the day. I developed new symptoms and old patterns began to emerge.

 

I've been practicing meditation for 2 years now. I stopped temporarily (funnily enough, just before withdrawal symptoms emerged) for a number of reasons. I forgot how wild an unobserved mind can get, and how we continually create our reality moment by moment. Thankfully I was seeing an amazing Reiki therapist once a week over the past month. He pretty much helped me drag myself out of a potentially long term situation, and helped me take responsibility for the symptoms in order to diffuse them incredibly quickly.

 

I also became disheartened by the horror stories and the lack of success stories, but I knew on some level there was more to it. I've seen incredible recoveries over recent years from a variety of illnesses including severe mental illness, chronic pain, cancer. But as soon as I began getting too involved in the world of 'withdrawal', all of that was thrown into doubt. So I did a test. I know intellectually that my mind is a constant flux of thoughts created from my own awareness, nothing is really external or separate from us, it's all the creation and response of mind. When we know that on an experiential level, there is no reason to suffer, because you are aware that you are creating everything that appears to your consciousness. You can create anything. I mentally put out a request for real life success stories.

 

Within about 6 hours an old friend got in touch. I havent seen her in years since we were in a psychiatric hospital, she was a bit older than me and was like a mother figure. She had been one a severe case of clinical depression, in hospital many times. Her doctors told her she was a lost cause and would be dead within the next few years. Turns out she stopped her meds three years ago, refused any medical help, found a great therapist who understood her desire not to be medicated, and she is happier than she's ever been. She is in a new relationship, has gone back to college, and has absolutely no symptoms in regards to withdrawal (she said there was at first but they didn't last intensely after she started therapy).

 

The following day I bumped into a lady who owns a shop near me who I haven't spoke to in months. She confided that she is also medication free since last summer, after years of being on antidepressants. While things have been up and down, she was still positive, running her business, and very positive.

 

From that day I stopped researching anything to do with illness or withdrawal, I got strict with myself in terms of observing thoughts, and detaching from as many as possible throughout the day. Letting them be there without making a 'story' out of them. Of course, the 2mg reinstatement took the edge off almost immediately, but the transformation between now and the horror I experienced a few weeks ago is unimaginable. In the midst of a crisis the smallest of things can mean the difference between a temporary episode and a wave of days or weeks of awfulness. My main withdrawal episodes lasted no more than a day or two at a time, whereas years ago they would have knocked me for six for weeks. I credit that in part to an ongoing understanding of the how the mind works and not exposing myself to negativity as much as possible, especially in such vulnerable states. Forums and the internet are a great resource, but that's just it, they are a tool and as much as it feels like it's the last thing we want to do, it's essential to spend the majority of our time in 'the world' so we get a fuller picture of it.

 

So I guess what I mean is, don't spend time exposing your mind to anything that reaffirms sickness. People, media, tv, situations. In the psychiatric hospitals I was in in the past they had a term for it (I forget what it was), where patients who were around other patients for too long would develop similar symptoms. They would try and get people out quickly and not encourage them to become too close because the statistics for them later being diagnosed with further disorders was much higher the longer you were in there. I guess it's the same in life, we become what we fill our consciousness with. I was very aware that I was spending most of my time reading about withdrawal and thinking about what my symptoms were like day to day, rather than actually healing. Suffering is inevitable, for everyone, that is the nature of being human. But we have so, so much more power to react to it differently, and even be comfortable with it, than we ever imagine. Glimpses of this astonishing power have saved me many times, although we do need to be still enough for it to be revealed.

 

This may or may not be of use to anyone, but I wanted to share it anyway in the hope that it may help. Love and courage to all of you who are struggling.

Thanks for posting this it is encouraging

January 2018 - 50mg sertraline for only 2 days, had adverse reaction.

On 0 psych drugs now.

Took a very long time for symptoms to go away, got better mentally 100% in April 2020.

 

Had fatigue esp with exercise, aches, muscle twitches, feeling of inner vibration -  Turns out also had low vitamin d, low calcium and low thyroid in August 2020. Treated with colecalciferol and now all physical symptoms gone. Possibly overlap between this issue sertraline symptoms.

 

Still taking colecalciferol

 

Now consider myself fully healed.

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  • 1 month later...
  • Moderator Emeritus

Thought I'd put this suggestion here:

 

On 7/25/2020 at 5:27 AM, Katy398 said:

I don’t know whether this helps but I I’ll share it anyway just in case it does.

For this to be beneficial there has to be an initial belief that everyone heals eventually. With this in mind I imagine that I have a set number of waves that I am going to go through on this journey. No one knows what that number will be or how long it will take but there is a set number. Everyone who has healed had a set number of waves,  too many to count but a set number non the less. So after each wave I try to visualise that I’m now one wave down and one step closer to healing. A midwife recommended this technique to me. She said to welcome each contraction rather than fear it. Each contraction will be one step toward welcoming your  beautiful baby into the world 🧡.I’m not very good at welcoming waves yet but after one I always see it as a step closer to healing. 

 

NEW!!!     INTERVIEW with Altostrata, SA's founder    NEW!!! 

 

Plodding along inch by inch:  12" = 1',  3' =  36 " or 1 yard,  1760 yards  = 63,360" or 1 mile

Current from 6 Feb 2021:  Pristiq 0.365 mg

ADs since ~1992:  25+ years - 1 unknown, Prozac (muscle weakness), Zoloft; citalopram (pooped out) CTed (very sick for 2.5 wks a few months after); Pristiq:  50mg 2012, 100mg beg 2013 (Serotonin Toxicity)  Tapering Oct 2015 

My tapering program   My Intro (goes to my tapering graph)  My website

PLEASE NOTE:  I am not a medical professional.  I provide information and make suggestions.

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  • Mentor
CharlieBrown

Hi! Popping in, to voice my views!

 

Acceptance of my current situation has brought me peace.

I rely on Jesus Christ's Grace and forgiveness, in spite of my unrighteous behavior.

I know that Jesus will accept me however I am. And then He will help me, if I ask in earnest.

Help me be molded into a new man, like a potter with clay.

Help me find peace and joy in the midst of turmoil.

Psalm 23! "Though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I shall fear no evil... Thy rod and thy staff comfort me."

Prescribed Various SSRI's, Benzodiazepines and Risperidone in 2009 for Anxiety.

Tapered off SSRI's within one year. Abrupt ending with Risperidone.

Recovered from medication side effects!

My success story: 

 

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  • Moderator
18 hours ago, CharlieBrown said:

Hi! Popping in, to voice my views!

 

Acceptance of my current situation has brought me peace.

I rely on Jesus Christ's Grace and forgiveness, in spite of my unrighteous behavior.

I know that Jesus will accept me however I am. And then He will help me, if I ask in earnest.

Help me be molded into a new man, like a potter with clay.

Help me find peace and joy in the midst of turmoil.

Psalm 23! "Though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I shall fear no evil... Thy rod and thy staff comfort me."

Same here.  I too rely on the grace of Jesus Christ.  I believe He has healed my nervous system of these powerful poisons.  I'm off all psych meds except Lexapro, and I'm over 98% off of that.  Jennifer

***Please note this is not medical advice.  Discuss any decisions about your medical care with a doctor who understands psych meds and how to withdraw from them, if you can find one.

Lexapro   Started Apr 15 02 - 10 mg; Jan 19 20  0.2 mg;  Apr 2  0.18 mg; Jul 16  0.17 mg, Aug 23  0.16 mg, Oct 7  0.15 mg, Nov 8 - 0.14, Jan 16 '21 - 0.13, Feb 7 - 0.12, Feb 22 - 0.11 

Trazodone.  used 50 mg once every 4-7 days for sleep, stopped

Xanax. used 0.5 mg once every 4-7 days for sleep, stopped

Benadryl 50 mg, Ibuprofen 800 mg, or Tylenol 1000 mg

other meds: Levothyroxine 75 mg

suppl AM: fish oil, flax oil, multivitamin, vit C, vit E, calcium

suppl PM: magnesium 350 mg, GABA 750 mg, Estroven, melatonin 3 mg, calcium

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  • 3 months later...
On 7/28/2020 at 11:26 AM, getofflex said:
On 7/27/2020 at 4:48 PM, CharlieBrown said:

Hi! Popping in, to voice my views!

 

Acceptance of my current situation has brought me peace.

I rely on Jesus Christ's Grace and forgiveness, in spite of my unrighteous behavior.

I know that Jesus will accept me however I am. And then He will help me, if I ask in earnest.

Help me be molded into a new man, like a potter with clay.

Help me find peace and joy in the midst of turmoil.

Psalm 23! "Though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I shall fear no evil... Thy rod and thy staff comfort me."

Same here.  I too rely on the grace of Jesus Christ.  I believe He has healed my nervous system of these powerful poisons.  I'm off all psych meds except Lexapro, and I'm over 98% off of that.  Jennifer

 

Absolutely agree with both of you! Peace is a constant prayer for me... both for myself and for others. It's such a good starting point. When your mind is racing, it's very difficult to focus on anything else... makes a lot of other things in life more difficult, too. :-) When I first started exploring the side effects of all the medications I take -- particularly the Nexium (that may or may not have been responsible for all of my other health problems), I was very angry. I wanted to blame people, thought about all of the wasted years I've spent disabled and not being able to have children, and felt overwhelmed and unable to handle whichever outcome I was given.

 

Now, even though I'm only 2 months into my 8 month trial (without Nexium), I know I'll be just fine, regardless of whether or not my symptoms go away. Thankfully, God didn't take too long to give me the strength I needed to go forward and accept my circumstances. I'm not saying it's an easy process... but I can be content either way.

 

 

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  • Mentor
On 11/1/2020 at 4:18 PM, pureshark said:

Now, even though I'm only 2 months into my 8 month trial (without Nexium), I know I'll be just fine, regardless of whether or not my symptoms go away. Thankfully, God didn't take too long to give me the strength I needed to go forward and accept my circumstances. I'm not saying it's an easy process... but I can be content either way.

It's certainly hard.

That's wonderful to hear, faith and God bring true contentment.

Prescribed Various SSRI's, Benzodiazepines and Risperidone in 2009 for Anxiety.

Tapered off SSRI's within one year. Abrupt ending with Risperidone.

Recovered from medication side effects!

My success story: 

 

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  • 3 months later...
Yesyes123

Thank you so much

July 2015 - Started Escitalopram 10mg (Lexapro) at age 15. Took it everyday until July 2020 (5 Years)

July 2020 - Turned 21 started tapering off until August (TOO FAST TAPER/ ALMOST SAME AS COLD TURKEY)

August 2020 -  Clear Manic episode (nothing absurd or life threatening)

September 2020 - Start feeling a bit weird

October 2020 - Crashed. The absolute worst time of my life. 

Late October 2020 - Reinstated Escitalopram 10mg. Perscribed Antipsychotics (Lithium, Seroquel) REFUSED

Early November 2020 - Psychiatrist wrongly upped the dosage to 15mg. Still taking 15mg / day as of today. 

 

22 January 2021: 

Beginning to stabilize on 15mg/day Escitalopram (Lexapro) 🧠

Taking 25mg Magnesium Citrate 4x per day / 2000mg Vitamin C Prolonged Release + Kiwis + Fresh Fruit / Salmon everyday for Omega3 Fatty Acids

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  • Moderator
manymoretodays

merged topics:  Acceptance and Acceptance- A hopeful message for you all

Great topic!

(mmt)

And will quote TreeElf's first post, now merged in:

 

Edited by manymoretodays
added quote, from TreeElf, where merged in

Started with psycho meds/psychiatric care circa 1988.  In retrospect, and on contemplation, situational overwhelm.

Rounding up to 30 years of medications(30 medication trials, poly-pharmacy maximum was 3 at one time).

5/28/2015-off Adderal salts 2.5mg. (I had been on that since hospital 10/2014)

12/2015---just holding, holding, holding, with trileptal/oxcarb at 75 mg. 1/2 tab at hs.  My last psycho med ever!  Tapered @ 10% every 4 weeks, sometimes 2 weeks to

2016 Dec 16 medication free!!

Longer signature post here, with current supplements.

Herb and alcohol free since 5/15/2016. 

None of my posts are intended as medical advice.  Please discuss any decisions about your medical care with a knowledgeable medical provider. manymoretodays

 

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  • manymoretodays changed the title to Acceptance and Hope
HardTimes

The Double Edged Sword of Acceptance:

 

In the very first post on this thread, @starlitegirlx wisely and openly noted the ambivalence of the notion of acceptance, and I'd like to develop that theme a little bit, as I personally have a bit of a tough time accepting acceptance. 

 

Here are two exemplary narratives that we've all seen time and again in various TV shows, novels and movies:

 

Case 1: Person A has a terrible accident and is told that she will never be able to walk again. She goes through a familiar pattern of psychological states as she tries to process her situation. She is in denial for a while, then the is filled with rage, and then lots of self pity, then regret and recrimination. This goes on for a while, and eventually she comes to a place of "acceptance." It is only once she comes to accept her new life in her wheelchair that she can finally shed all the negative emotions about what she can no longer do, and start to experience the positive emotions about what she can do. Here, acceptance is the path to finding some level of happiness and contentment. 

 

Case 2: Person B has a terrible accident and is told that she will never be able to walk again. This is totally unacceptable to her. She refuses to believe her doctors, she works twice as hard as everybody else at physio therapy, she reads every single last forum post and article she can find about her situation, she writes long letters to obscure doctors in far off lands... In short she she fights like hell. She never accepts her new situation, but just keeps fighting to regain her old life. Eventually she makes a nearly full recovery, the doctors are all amazed, and she is celebrated as evidence of what the heroic human spirit can achieve.

 

I think you can likely see versions of both those stories on TV pretty much any night of the week. In the first, acceptance is positive, as it is what leads to happiness. Acceptance means the peace of not having to constantly fight to recover a life that is already lost, and to start enjoying the new life. But in the second story, acceptance is a negative idea, as it is pretty much the equivalent of resignation, of giving up, of surrender, of quitting. "Acceptance" is not good, it is just what people have to do when they have no more fight left in them.

 

So which of these views of acceptance is most accurate? Which do we choose? Are we always caught somewhere in between them?

 

It seems to me that it all depends on the situation: Accepting that you are a smoker and will always be a smoker and should just stop trying to quit is not the same thing at all as accepting that your partner really is divorcing you and it is time to move on with your life. If fighting a situation really is hopeless, then acceptance seems healthy. But at the same time, if fighting can make a difference then maybe just resigning oneself to a situation too soon isn't the best way forward.

 

So the question for us in WD recovery is what kind(s) of acceptance are we dealing with? Ought we accept that we will likely never walk again, never get our old lives back, and yet in doing so begin creating the conditions for some kind of reasonably happy, if different,  future? Or should we refuse to accept that we are now stuck just crawling around the world we once danced through, and fight like hell to get our dance back? 

 

The classic "serenity prayer" is so perfect (I think it goes back in one form or another to the Ancient Greek Stoics), but the big problem comes in the last line: Knowing the difference between the things that can be changed and the things that cannot. And it is that lack of knowledge that I am having such a hard time coming to accept. 

 

Basically I don't want to accept what has happened to me, because it feels too much like giving up, like recognizing that I'm dead already, that this zombie life is it from now on. But maybe if I don't, the struggle itself becomes the primary source of pain?

 

Thoughts?

15+ years Citalopram 10mg (sometimes 20?)

2019 Citalopram 5mg. No problem reduction.

2020 Citalopram 5mg to zero. (Feb)

2020 (Feb - mid Oct): Very rare use of 0.125 or .25mg Xanax for really bad symptoms

2020 (Feb - Nov): Occasional use of "Nytol" sleep aid (an antihistamine). 

2020 Failed reinstatement: Escitalopram by accident (not Citalopram).  

 -- using a scale, started July 27 0.5mg, doubled every week or so to reach 5mg by Aug 30. Too fast - terrible depression, quit.

2020 (Oct-current): Supplements:

 -- Morning: Magnesium 300mg, Omega 3(483 EPA, 360 DHA +Vit E) Night: Liquid Valerian/Passiflore/Escholtzia - French organic herbal sleep aid, 1.9mg LD Melatonin 

2020 Current - new Citalopram reinstatement. (Accidentally started with Escitalopram before realizing and switching to Citalopram Oct. 30)

 -- using pipette method: Oct 30, 0.25mg; Nov. 4th, 0.375; Dec. 1st 0.5mg, Dec. 21st 0.75mg Jan 19: Decide reinstatement fail: Jan 21 0.625mg, Jan 28: 0.5mg

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SummerRain

I think it's about accepting what has happened and where you are at right now, but knowing that things can and will change (for the better). There is also acceptance that we can't control how long it will take, while knowing that we will get there eventually.

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bunchesofoats

@HardTimesyou echoed many of my sentiments, and my resulting thoughts are much like @SummerRain's. I've worked on accepting what I'm experiencing and that I will continue to be affected in some not quite predictable way in the future, while also not resigning myself to not having a choice in how things play out. I accept what I'm going through while trying to make changes for the better. The worst times for me are when it seems like those efforts aren't fruitful, but those times are only ever temporary. If I keep trying, something good does always come out of it. If I give up, there's no chance. Those are my psychological takes. Physically, there is plenty of evidence for neuroplasticity, and that gives me great hope as well.

2005-2009 18mg concerta on and off

2009-2013 ritalin and buproprion on and off; 2010 nortryptyline & amitriptyline for back pain following car accident

2014 Apr - lamictal for 2 weeks until breaking out in hives

2016 Mar-Sep -  st. john's wort, rhodiola, other supplements tried

2016 Nov - began citalopram (4 months)

2017 Mar  - reached dose of 30mg citalopram (11 months)

2018 Feb - began taper, ~2.5mg/month, cutting tablets (3 months)

2018 May - 20mg, tried ~17.5mg but symptoms too strong, held at 20 (11 months)

2018 Nov - tried bupropion again, stopped within a couple months

2019 Apr - began ~5%/month taper from 20mg using dissolve in water and measure with syringe method

2020 Jan - stopped lorazepam; 0.5mg lorazepam average 3x/month since began citalopram; at most 3x/week

2021 Feb - holding at 10.35mg since Oct-9, ~0.5mg lorazepam/8days since Dec-12

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HardTimes

Hey @bunchesofoats and @SummerRain, and anybody else who is reading this thread and my attempt to articulate my concerns with "acceptance". You guys are right, I was just feeling frustrated that day. "Acceptance" doesn't have to mean "defeat" nor "giving up". Accepting where you actually are means you are in the right position to try to fight and make progress when you can. Certainly in the short term acceptance is really important: If you can't sleep, you're much more likely to relax and have a better day the next day if you just accept it than if you try to somehow force yourself to sleep. And I totally agree that giving up is a sure way not to make any progress! It was just that some of what I had read made me feel like I was being asked to give up, just "accept" that this is the way things are now and that's that. Which stinks.

 

Anyway, I hope I wasn't too much of a Debbie Downer - we should be putting out hope and positivity as much as we can! So thanks.

15+ years Citalopram 10mg (sometimes 20?)

2019 Citalopram 5mg. No problem reduction.

2020 Citalopram 5mg to zero. (Feb)

2020 (Feb - mid Oct): Very rare use of 0.125 or .25mg Xanax for really bad symptoms

2020 (Feb - Nov): Occasional use of "Nytol" sleep aid (an antihistamine). 

2020 Failed reinstatement: Escitalopram by accident (not Citalopram).  

 -- using a scale, started July 27 0.5mg, doubled every week or so to reach 5mg by Aug 30. Too fast - terrible depression, quit.

2020 (Oct-current): Supplements:

 -- Morning: Magnesium 300mg, Omega 3(483 EPA, 360 DHA +Vit E) Night: Liquid Valerian/Passiflore/Escholtzia - French organic herbal sleep aid, 1.9mg LD Melatonin 

2020 Current - new Citalopram reinstatement. (Accidentally started with Escitalopram before realizing and switching to Citalopram Oct. 30)

 -- using pipette method: Oct 30, 0.25mg; Nov. 4th, 0.375; Dec. 1st 0.5mg, Dec. 21st 0.75mg Jan 19: Decide reinstatement fail: Jan 21 0.625mg, Jan 28: 0.5mg

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ChessieCat

To me, accepting can sometimes be a case of acknowledging a fact.  That is, trying to be objective (factual) and not subjective (emotional).

 

You cannot change a fact but you can learn to respond to it (finding the best way to cope with it) instead of reacting to it.  Reacting lets our emotions to take control and can be very stressful on our nervous system.  Learning to step back and rationally trying to consider your options lessens the stress.

 

As an example (and this has happened to me recently and it is my daughter who has taught me this).  I got an SMS that annoyed me recently and required a response but didn't need to be answered straight away.  Instead of taking immediate action whilst I was upset I decided to think about it before I replied.  Very simple but can be very hard to do.

NEW!!!     INTERVIEW with Altostrata, SA's founder    NEW!!! 

 

Plodding along inch by inch:  12" = 1',  3' =  36 " or 1 yard,  1760 yards  = 63,360" or 1 mile

Current from 6 Feb 2021:  Pristiq 0.365 mg

ADs since ~1992:  25+ years - 1 unknown, Prozac (muscle weakness), Zoloft; citalopram (pooped out) CTed (very sick for 2.5 wks a few months after); Pristiq:  50mg 2012, 100mg beg 2013 (Serotonin Toxicity)  Tapering Oct 2015 

My tapering program   My Intro (goes to my tapering graph)  My website

PLEASE NOTE:  I am not a medical professional.  I provide information and make suggestions.

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Yesyes123

Screenshot_20210224-040114.jpg

July 2015 - Started Escitalopram 10mg (Lexapro) at age 15. Took it everyday until July 2020 (5 Years)

July 2020 - Turned 21 started tapering off until August (TOO FAST TAPER/ ALMOST SAME AS COLD TURKEY)

August 2020 -  Clear Manic episode (nothing absurd or life threatening)

September 2020 - Start feeling a bit weird

October 2020 - Crashed. The absolute worst time of my life. 

Late October 2020 - Reinstated Escitalopram 10mg. Perscribed Antipsychotics (Lithium, Seroquel) REFUSED

Early November 2020 - Psychiatrist wrongly upped the dosage to 15mg. Still taking 15mg / day as of today. 

 

22 January 2021: 

Beginning to stabilize on 15mg/day Escitalopram (Lexapro) 🧠

Taking 25mg Magnesium Citrate 4x per day / 2000mg Vitamin C Prolonged Release + Kiwis + Fresh Fruit / Salmon everyday for Omega3 Fatty Acids

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SummerRain
On 2/21/2021 at 4:35 AM, HardTimes said:

Hey @bunchesofoats and @SummerRain, and anybody else who is reading this thread and my attempt to articulate my concerns with "acceptance". You guys are right, I was just feeling frustrated that day. "Acceptance" doesn't have to mean "defeat" nor "giving up". Accepting where you actually are means you are in the right position to try to fight and make progress when you can. Certainly in the short term acceptance is really important: If you can't sleep, you're much more likely to relax and have a better day the next day if you just accept it than if you try to somehow force yourself to sleep. And I totally agree that giving up is a sure way not to make any progress! It was just that some of what I had read made me feel like I was being asked to give up, just "accept" that this is the way things are now and that's that. Which stinks.

 

Anyway, I hope I wasn't too much of a Debbie Downer - we should be putting out hope and positivity as much as we can! So thanks.

I think we all have days like that sometimes 🙂

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On 2/20/2021 at 2:00 PM, ChessieCat said:

I got an SMS that annoyed me recently and required a response but didn't need to be answered straight away.  Instead of taking immediate action whilst I was upset I decided to think about it before I replied.  Very simple but can be very hard to do.

so true! I always feel rushed to answer right away and there's no need for that. 

Currently taking Ramapril (blood pressure) 5 mg twice a day

Omeprazole 10 mg AM and 20 mg PM  (the taper has gone nowhere after the first cut)

Famotidine   once a day (and I still needs tums sometimes)

magnesium 200 mg at night

as of yesterday 2 fish oil capsules "EPA-DHA 1000"

 

off Lexapro as of 5/2018  - last dose had been 5 mg every other day for a couple years

 

highest dose had been 20 mg at which point I was diagnosed with Bipolar II, which went away when I cut the lexapro down to 15 mg. 

 

I spent years on Paxil before Lexapro (can't remember dose), briefly on Effexor and Abilify and others I have forgotten. in fact, when I was diagnoses with BPII I was put on all kinds of things which made me feel so bad I stopped them cold turkey within maybe 3 or 4 weeks, thank goodness. since then I've known these pills were terrible and I weaned down the Lexapro with zero help or support over I'm not sure how many years. 

 

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