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Barbarannamated

Deep despair, dread, doom, horror

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primrose

Hi and sorry you are experiencing such distress.

 

I don't know anything about tapering antidepressants, as I am tapering valium, but mental distress is a sign that I need to get stable, and hold my dose or slow down my taper.

 

My mind also tries to 'deal with' problems that my mind dwells upon. I think the best thing to do is just to drop the thought if it is a neuro emotion as no amount of 'sorting it out' will help.

 

Thanks for your 'exit strategy'.

 

I will come back to this post if ever I feel a flare up of neuro emotions.

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alexjuice

The worst part of withdrawal for me is how the flareups tend to color everything you feel or think as you're experiencing them. And the effects aren't new or arbitrary, they seem so often to recall the corpses of old problems and animate them with new and invigorated life.

 

Yes, this exactly happens to me. I've realized now it's been pretty much the same irrational fears for years, every major drug destabilization finds me reliving the same scenarios in my head. Again and again. They mainly revolve around misunderstandings where I become powerless to stop unjust and unfair treatment and also being scapegoated.

 

At some point I had a conversation with myself. I said, "Listen, if this is really so scary why weren't you worried to death about this last week. Have you ever noticed you go months without thinking of these three things and then with each med change they come flooding back and threaten to drive you insane?"

 

The scenarios I worry about, they invoke a shame because they make me feel damaged -- I'm scared of things that I know consciously are not ever going to happen. Benzos suck about this. I don't know why I think about them, except that I've thought about them before! The benzo vortex loves revisiting and reinforcing these old fears.

 

So they make me feel even more damaged by drugs, that I'm so misunderstood that people would think I was nuts if they knew my irrational w/d fears! I have thought that if I was in anyway healthy I'd fear something rational like health, death, money or being alone.

 

The feeling that things in my life will be misunderstood by outsiders resulting in decisions that cause me horrific pain, that's the emotional spine of my adulthood on Drugs actually so I'm not surprised it re-emerges as the root of my w/d fears.

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Jemima

pgd0308,

 

You might want to take a look at this relatively new thread:

 

Acceptance

 

I've been experiencing some depressed and anxious feelings here at the tail end of my withdrawal syndrome, and I find that doing what you're doing helps immensely. Just feeling the feeling and accepting that it's there usually causes positive change in my feeling-state.

 

I also think it's very kind of you to offer help to others regarding what's working for you when you're feeling so lousy. :)

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Narcissus

 

The worst part of withdrawal for me is how the flareups tend to color everything you feel or think as you're experiencing them. And the effects aren't new or arbitrary, they seem so often to recall the corpses of old problems and animate them with new and invigorated life.

 

Yes, this exactly happens to me. I've realized now it's been pretty much the same irrational fears for years, every major drug destabilization finds me reliving the same scenarios in my head. Again and again. They mainly revolve around misunderstandings where I become powerless to stop unjust and unfair treatment and also being scapegoated.

 

At some point I had a conversation with myself. I said, "Listen, if this is really so scary why weren't you worried to death about this last week. Have you ever noticed you go months without thinking of these three things and then with each med change they come flooding back and threaten to drive you insane?"

 

The scenarios I worry about, they invoke a shame because they make me feel damaged -- I'm scared of things that I know consciously are not ever going to happen. Benzos suck about this. I don't know why I think about them, except that I've thought about them before! The benzo vortex loves revisiting and reinforcing these old fears.

 

So they make me feel even more damaged by drugs, that I'm so misunderstood that people would think I was nuts if they knew my irrational w/d fears! I have thought that if I was in anyway healthy I'd fear something rational like health, death, money or being alone.

 

The feeling that things in my life will be misunderstood by outsiders resulting in decisions that cause me horrific pain, that's the emotional spine of my adulthood on Drugs actually so I'm not surprised it re-emerges as the root of my w/d fears.

 

As Kierkegaard once wrote somewhere, "the most sublime tragedy consists in being misunderstood."

 

Hope all is well my friend.

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s1335

 

The worst part of withdrawal for me is how the flareups tend to color everything you feel or think as you're experiencing them. And the effects aren't new or arbitrary, they seem so often to recall the corpses of old problems and animate them with new and invigorated life.

 

Yes, this exactly happens to me. I've realized now it's been pretty much the same irrational fears for years, every major drug destabilization finds me reliving the same scenarios in my head. Again and again. They mainly revolve around misunderstandings where I become powerless to stop unjust and unfair treatment and also being scapegoated.

 

At some point I had a conversation with myself. I said, "Listen, if this is really so scary why weren't you worried to death about this last week. Have you ever noticed you go months without thinking of these three things and then with each med change they come flooding back and threaten to drive you insane?"

 

The scenarios I worry about, they invoke a shame because they make me feel damaged -- I'm scared of things that I know consciously are not ever going to happen. Benzos suck about this. I don't know why I think about them, except that I've thought about them before! The benzo vortex loves revisiting and reinforcing these old fears.

 

So they make me feel even more damaged by drugs, that I'm so misunderstood that people would think I was nuts if they knew my irrational w/d fears! I have thought that if I was in anyway healthy I'd fear something rational like health, death, money or being alone.

 

The feeling that things in my life will be misunderstood by outsiders resulting in decisions that cause me horrific pain, that's the emotional spine of my adulthood on Drugs actually so I'm not surprised it re-emerges as the root of my w/d fears.

 

I can definitely relate to this. The opening post is also very similar to me. In fact I'm getting obsessed with this forum. I am getting more and more disconnected from reality and having a harder time speaking and thinking through anything. I am obsessed with my own thoughts trying to understand them and work them out or make sense out of them. How does this stop? Just more time to restabilize to the medication?

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Narcissus

The flare-ups tend to give our thoughts an urgent quality that they wouldn't have otherwise, and as our nervous systems heal I suspect that this will go away. The anxiety produced by withdrawal seems to often lead to obsessive and cyclical behavior, as 'normal' anxiety so often does. There is, of course, anxiety that has nothing to do with withdrawal, but I'm assuming that the withdrawal produced anxiety is what you're referring to.

 

As for struggling with face to face contact, I think that's natural when one feels so 'altered' all the time. This should improve too with time, provided that you don't lose to much faith in your social skills.

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alexjuice

I'm glad not to feel so alone. I hate these feelings.

 

I do think it's best to interface with real life if possible. I don't do it much myself but hope to soon, maybe in the next couple months.

 

Living in isolation, except for the internet ... I think there's more to life and hope to enjoy those other parts of life soon!

 

Hope everyone is feeling ok today,

Alex

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Narcissus

I too often have this feeling of being somehow removed from 'real life'. I think this goes much deeper than just anti-depressant withdrawal, but the symptoms seem to add to it in many ways. Strange to think that while this partly drug induced cloud of unreality hovers over our lives time really does continue to pass. Doesn't seem quite fair does it?

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dunerbug

Oh gosh....Obsessive thoughts has been the worst for me. I perform compulsions to try and counter act them.

My hands crack and bleed from washing.

 

What someone said earlier about our minds taking old stuff and playing on those, only with more umpgh during withdrawal. Ugh. This has rang true for me. This time though, it is absolutely relentless.

 

I hope that as withdrawal lessons, the hand of ocd will lesson it's grip.

 

This has been the most difficult thing for me.

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Outshined

The flare-ups tend to give our thoughts an urgent quality that they wouldn't have otherwise, and as our nervous systems heal I suspect that this will go away. The anxiety produced by withdrawal seems to often lead to obsessive and cyclical behavior, as 'normal' anxiety so often does. There is, of course, anxiety that has nothing to do with withdrawal, but I'm assuming that the withdrawal produced anxiety is what you're referring to.

 

 

I too often have this feeling of being somehow removed from 'real life'. I think this goes much deeper than just anti-depressant withdrawal, but the symptoms seem to add to it in many ways. Strange to think that while this partly drug induced cloud of unreality hovers over our lives time really does continue to pass. Doesn't seem quite fair does it?

 

Oh my God, I could swear those words could be exactly mine. I find odd (or maybe just terrifying) that people in withdrawal have almost identical feelings, sensations and fears and often use the same descriptions to express them.

 

Well, at least it makes me feel like I'm not alone, or completely out of my mind, so I guess it could be a good thing.

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tezza

Before I started meds, I think I had an OCD of counting things. For instance, if I was cutting up potatoes, I'd be counting each piece as I cut them. If I was taking cloths out of the washing machine, I'd be counting the items, etc. When I started coming off the meds, I worried that I'd start doing it again. Is that a bad thing? I mean the counting.

 

I once mentioned it to my son's GF and she said she did it too.

 

Is that OCD?

 

I also worry about getting germs from hand-shakes. :(

 

Gosh, I admit things and then worry about that. :o

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Narcissus

 

The flare-ups tend to give our thoughts an urgent quality that they wouldn't have otherwise, and as our nervous systems heal I suspect that this will go away. The anxiety produced by withdrawal seems to often lead to obsessive and cyclical behavior, as 'normal' anxiety so often does. There is, of course, anxiety that has nothing to do with withdrawal, but I'm assuming that the withdrawal produced anxiety is what you're referring to.

 

 

I too often have this feeling of being somehow removed from 'real life'. I think this goes much deeper than just anti-depressant withdrawal, but the symptoms seem to add to it in many ways. Strange to think that while this partly drug induced cloud of unreality hovers over our lives time really does continue to pass. Doesn't seem quite fair does it?

 

Oh my God, I could swear those words could be exactly mine. I find odd (or maybe just terrifying) that people in withdrawal have almost identical feelings, sensations and fears and often use the same descriptions to express them.

 

Well, at least it makes me feel like I'm not alone, or completely out of my mind, so I guess it could be a good thing.

 

The similarities surprise me too, although they probably shouldn't. I suppose it's that the withdrawal pains are so close to the core of my consciousness that it's hard to believe that they exist anywhere outside of my own experience. But they do, and with a kind of cold and clinical uniformity. The uniformity suggests to me the unnatural and artificial nature of the withdrawal experience. Unfortunately, this realization doesn't always make it less distressing.

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Outshined

The similarities surprise me too, although they probably shouldn't. I suppose it's that the withdrawal pains are so close to the core of my consciousness that it's hard to believe that they exist anywhere outside of my own experience. But they do, and with a kind of cold and clinical uniformity. The uniformity suggests to me the unnatural and artificial nature of the withdrawal experience. Unfortunately, this realization doesn't always make it less distressing.

 

I totally agree. However, what I find most distressing is the fear that those pains could last forever and/or that meds have altered myself irreversibly.

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Narcissus

I struggle with this as well, but I think the fear is mostly irrational. Everything from personal accounts to theories in neuroplasticity says that we should get better.

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peggy

the presence of obsessive thoughts have always been my hallmark for 'unwellness' Before medication they would herald the beginning of a depressive episode - it was like my thoughts would become stuck on something and they would circle that thought 24/7. The thought was always 'would i be able to sleep tonight' Now, if i was well and not in a depressive episode i could think that thought and it not stick, however in a depressive episode i wouldn't be able to get out of it. So, i would start researching sleep and obsessing over it. And it would drive the thoughts more and more. It was classic 'the neurones that wire together, fire together'.

 

And then, as sudden as it started, about 4- 6 months later it would disappear for another 4 years. I could even think that thought in between times and it not bother me.

 

In withdrawal, i also have obsessive thoughts, not so much about sleep now, but more anxiety - i obsess over being anxious - ha ha, sometimes i laugh at myself because it is all so bizarre. I think because it reminds me of how it was back when i first went on AD's - and then the anxiety in acute withdrawal - i think i have PTSD about it.

 

I would like to be able to visit my anxiety when i am well and try to modulate it without it escalating, but when i am well (not in withdrawal) i can't even bring it on - there is a much different quality to it.

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Outshined

In withdrawal, i also have obsessive thoughts, not so much about sleep now, but more anxiety - i obsess over being anxious - ha ha, sometimes i laugh at myself because it is all so bizarre.

I obsess over my memory problems. Every single time I don't remember a thing I go crazy (and become anxious).

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Narcissus

I would like to be able to visit my anxiety when i am well and try to modulate it without it escalating, but when i am well (not in withdrawal) i can't even bring it on - there is a much different quality to it.

Yes, part of what makes withdrawal so strange is that it totally compromises our ability to feel and reason like we normally would. I think this is because our feelings are no longer reacting to our thoughts or to other stimuli, but are being controlled by whatever is going on in our destabilized brains. Often this means that rather than acting as a guiding force, our thoughts just trail behind whatever random heightened emotional response is at work. And then of course when the mind treats the feelings as genuine (as its designed to) it produces the feeling that everything is truly as terrible as it feels, and our thoughts seem to confirm this. The only way out is to try to sense the artificiality of the whole process. As for me I've found that closing my eyes and attending to the weird physical symptoms is a good way to help myself feel the 'unreality' of the whole thing.

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Lilu

I wanted to write this because I feel it's probably one of the worst symptoms, and most dangerous. I've been through ALL of the symptoms from the zaps to the severe, suicidal depression. All of them are gone for me now. And that's why I wanted to write this. The depression that this w/d causes is like nothing that I've ever experienced, and I know you will agree that trying to describe it doesn't even begin to paint of picture of how dreadful it is. One thing that the feeling does is cause a sense of inevitable doom. It makes you feel like you'll never get better and that life is utterly ruined. It makes life seem like it's senseless and that existence in itself is some kind of cruel, sinister joke. I want to tell any of you reading this that it is temporary. That feeling is unnatural and wrong, and it does go away. When it goes away, life and love of life comes back. I have ideas about how to get through it, as I did. But it's pretty much spiritual. Also, the homeopathic remedy Stramonium was extremely effective for that specific symptom. Please hang in there. It gets better.

 

This is exactly how I feel. I've never done so much crying in my life, as I have in the last two years.  Life is so painful.  It feels like it will never get better. The sense of doom and dread is so scary. I feel like I'm shaking on the inside. There is a heavy tightness in the middle of my chest that's unrelated to breath. I just don't understand why we all have to suffer so much.  

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drummerseve

I have been dealing with this everyday since the very first week of December. So the last three months. I had also just gotten off effexor after close to a two yr taper which was early november with a bead method and a few weeks after tried to taper my klonopin. This sent me spiraling into a depression so i reinstated my effexor and upped m K but those symptoms never went away. I wake up with thoughts racing, heart pounding and this feeling of absolute dread. I can barely get out of bed. One thing i did notice is that when my gf gets up for work and leaves its still dark(630-7am)and i dont have ot then cuz i usually wake up with her and then go back to sleep. But around 9 everydayike clockwork my mind wakes up with these feelings. I wonder if theyll ever go away. I think its part of depression in my own experience caused by the wd o benzos.

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alaskamom

IMHO, depression and the morning dread/anxiety/freakouts are two separate things.  The depression, at least for me, is a tiredness with the world, lethargy/lack of motivation or excitement or interest in things.  I may have some anxious thoughts in general, but not the energy for a full-blown anxious freak-out like the ones we typically get in the mornings.

 

I have had the morning dread attacks for a year almost continuously (with the exception of 3 or so blessed weeks last month - when I felt depression instead).  They differ from depression as I have super-energy from the adrenaline rush that comes with stress and anxiety.  I sleep lightly/poorly/have nightmares.  When I get out of bed, I am in super-woman mode rushing about the house doing things to burn off the energy.  This super-energy/anxiety fades in mid to late morning when I have been up a while.  When the super freakouts aren't at their worse, I can simply tell my mind that I am not going to go there and to go back to sleep.  When the freakouts are really bad, I am not lucid enough to think that, try to pray, and toss and turn.

 

The depression makes me continually tired, negative, lethargic, and the morning anxiety gives me energy/adrenaline and ruins sleep.  Hope this helps.  Note, the 3 or so weeks without anxiety were a blessed window that was a long-time coming.  I had begun to think it never would, but it did.  You will get windows too and (as wiser, more experienced WDers say) a lack of the morning freakouts.

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drummerseve

Hmm. I just seem to feel it all at once. Depression, which seems to be severe(ive never suffered depression in my life until i tried to taper off my drugs)the dread and overwhelming anxiety/racing mind/thoughts that dont make any sense. The last two yrs i was doing amazing. I lost 40 pounds, put on some muscle, got in excellent shape etc. i still suffered from anxiety but it didnt affect me that much until i tried to get off and thats when this all started happening. I do sleep terribly now too. Wake up at the drop of a dime, nightmares and weird dreams every night as well. The negative thoughts too. I just hope one day it goes the f away. Its killin my quality of life. I dont do anything but go to work and i can barely do that. I was super active and now im the exact opposite. Its hard to start ur day when it crushes u before u even have a chance to open ur eyes.

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westcoast

My morning terror/dread stopped about two months ago. Until then I had had it from early 2013 onwards. Id never known anything like it, not even during my polydrugged years, nor anytime prior to starting meds. It seems to be one of the most common and most horrendous withdrawal phenomena. One person in this thread said they had experienced it before ever using meds, but most everyone says they had never experienced anything like it. It seems so clear-cut and common that I cant see why doctors dont know what causes it.

 

A few months ago I searched the net for "morning terror" and found out that it really is a thing. I noticed people talking about it in other forums, and noticed that psych drugs were often in play. I had been thinking it was just awful depression, and it is very depressing, but Now I wonder if it is a separate ailment.

 

I don't know if it has to do with dreams or not. I dreamed very little since WD began. Now I am using a nicotine patch which gives me weird dreams.

 

As for why my morning terrors stopped, I cannot say for sure. I had access to prescribed Xanax on and off, But didn't use it regularly, I added coconut oil to my coffee, I started using nicotine patches, and started various supplements.

 

I hope that hearing from someone for whom the terror went away gives others some hope. There are no words to describe it to someone who hasn't felt it. It is the most sickening black dread imaginable.

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westcoast

I just found this discussion on The Straight Dope. It is not about psych drugs, which is somewhat refreshing. I'm posting it here because I found it interesting. One person mentions getting relief from Magnesium and Calcium. There is no way of knowing if any of the people in this link are or were on psych drugs, of course. They don't sound as distressed, as a group, as we tend to be.

 

http://boards.straightdope.com/sdmb/showthread.php?t=180256

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drummerseve

I dont think it has to do with dreams. I think my nightmares and dreams are linked to my benzo use and attempted taper from the benzo. Or maybe wd symptoms from my effexor. Thats part of my problem. I don't know what's causing what so its hard for me to put a finger on what's happening with me. It is nice to hear that it can ease and go away. Thanks for ur help, west coast. All i can do is give it time and try to stay positive.

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westcoast

Indeed, that is all we can do. I did find that one cup of coffee, even before I tried the coconut oil, would help lift my mood by about 5%. Sounds silly but it was the difference between being nailed to the floor in the pit of hell and walking around freely in hell! Adding the coconut oil had no immediate effect that I could feel during the day, but it coincided with the morning terrors stopping. I still have depression and a sort of fear of everything, but I am miles away from where I was even three months ago. Effexor is a real beast for some of us. It most certainly devastated my life, but I am finally on the mend. It is hard to believe, actually. I sure hope you make steady progress. You look young and fit and you deserve to get back to your active life, and you will!

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drummerseve

Thank you very much. I really do too. It so hard to stay positive. I meditate 2-3 times a day and a therapist. I practice mindfulness which sometimes helps more than others.  The morning dread is something else. I could list off 100 symptoms as im sure all of you could as well. It just blows my mind how a new symptom like the dread or depression can literally seem to come out of nowhere and be full blown. I felt like everything happened over night. And some of it actually did. most likely due to me trying to taper too fast. Oh well...just gotta keep on moving forward. Your sig sounds like you've been through quite a hell yourself.  Are you off the effexor now?

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cymbaltawithdrawal5600

Here is what I understand about the morning terror: there are all sorts of hormones and chemical processes at work in your body to do many things, one of which is to wake you from sleep. When the nervous system is in an uproar for whatever reason (here we usually ascribe it to withdrawal syndrome as the 'umbrella term' for when ever this occurs, either from going off drugs too soon or reinstating them afterwards) things really aren't working too well overall. Cortisol is one of the hormones that brings us from sleep to wakefulness but the mechanism is screwed up and it comes on too strong. And its effect is one of terror instead of a peaceful transition.

 

In my experience, it went away gradually, there was not a day when I could point to it and say "Gee, I didn't have terror this morning". I noticed it in hind sight, just like I noticed when my ability to fall and stay asleep was less 'fragile': the house noises did not wake me like they used to. What I did notice too is that my morning awakenings were gentler too, not that crazy racing thinking that was either there before I came to consciousness or started immediately after. I still awake with some sort of talking going on in my head but it is not alarming or upsetting for the most part. Even though I am sleeping, I still don't feel very 'rested' and I can't quite describe that one.

 

After the morning wake terrors had subsided, however, came some other weirdness. Because of lack of either the proper length of sleep or poor quality sleep. I would often fall asleep in my chair in the mornings, just could not help it. My head would loll back and I would awake suddenly, gasping and in sheer terror. No matter what I did I could not keep that from happening. It went away too.

 

It's funny how we think that this will never go away. There are people on this board who don't have the morning terrors anymore. I don't, but I remember them. But I am sure that no one who reads this will believe they will go away for them. You'll believe it when they go away for you and not a minute sooner. I've had every symptom in the symptom list. And they went away. All except for this one, the apathy. This is a different kind of apathy. The other apathy I had in early wd was an 'active' sort. This one is very passive except for the relentless persistent hopeless negative depressive thoughts. Won't do me any good to ask someone else if they've had it too, I am sure others have and it will go away when it decides to or it won't and I'll be stuck with it. That is either the truth or more messed up brain chemicals talking. I don't know how to tell the difference.

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drummerseve

Cym, the last line you wrote made me laugh. And not at you. Just because i know exactly what you mean. The madness! What you just explained made a lot of good sense so thanks for that. Gave me a little hope. I think ill get through it one day.

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cymbaltawithdrawal5600

So you're saying I made some sense of why the morning terrors might occur? I was so hoping that would come through. It has to be right or else the symptom would not come on and then go away. As healing occurs, it does really go away. The thing that is really frustrating is that no one can predict any timelines for this stuff and as far as I know no one has been able to find a supplement or a food or a ? that can demonstrably make these things go away. They just go away when they do. And they sorta slink away when we aren't looking.

 

How in the world did you understand my last line? I don't even understand it myself. That is what is making what I am going through right now so hard, I can't for the life of me tell what is going on. Someone turned off the light inside me. Like right now, I'm sitting here writing. I think of getting up and putting a load of clothes into the washer. No matter how badly I want to do that, I can't MAKE myself do it. Why this disconnect between desire and action? I know that eventually I will do the wash, but I can't do it NOW.

 

So I can't tell if I am losing my mind or this is still more of the 'whatever is messed up in my brain'. This particular type of apathy and the type of depression I am battling currently have slunk in and I can't make them go away. I have a lot of anger about this too. A whole lot of anger. I went back in my thread and tried to find out when it was that I was feeling the 'deliciousness' of life. It was in December, for pete's sake. Not even 3 months ago and now it has slunk away too.

 

How long is it going to take for my brain to start working correctly after a cold turkey from long term use of a SNRI? Stuff is disconnected inside. When will it connect itself again? No one has my answers.

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westcoast

Yes, I am completely rid of Effexor. Last dose was Nov 2012. I was happily manic for the first few months, as well as probably a few lapses into outright psychosis. I lived alone in filth and spent money wildly on eBay. I watched conspiracy videos and believed all of them. To be honest, it was a magical time when everything was imbued with deep meaning and I felt like I understood the universe itself. But alas...that came to an end and converted to the terror/despair thing, which is now abating as well.

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westcoast

Cymbalta, I have the apathy, too, along with a lot of worry about my future. I think I will try to be apathetic about my future.

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westcoast

Seriously, though, I have the same thing you just described about the laundry. It is like I lost the ability to do routine tasks automatically, without even thinking about them. It feels like my will has been severed from my muscles. Today I really did decide to be apathetic about my future. I cannot predict it. I cannot currently do a lot to influence it (which is what has been bothering me).

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drummerseve

Cym, the path ur on in my opinion is probably the hardest. I cold turkied paxil(drs orders, not knowing the consequences) and for 2 weeks i didnt know where i was. That time is a blur. All i remember is brain zaps, feelings sick, losing weight and i was bed ridden. I cant even be sure of how long. My guess is two or three weeks. I cant imagine where ur at or how ur feeling. i so badly wish the best for u and that u recover quickly. Nobody deserves to go thru any of this ****...ever. and yes u made a lot of sense about the morning dread because ive had other symptoms come and go in the same way. Did you both go cold turkey?

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cymbaltawithdrawal5600

DE,

 

I wish I would recover quickly but that is not likely to happen. This stuff just goes so slowly, this is a little less than halfway into year 4 and this is how it is for me. If I look at WC's timeline, about the same for her too. But she had other CT's in there and some meds I did not have. So her symptoms and recovery are going to be a bit different. Effexor is also a SNRI, not sure how it chemically differs from cymbalta tho.

 

This type of depression we have is drug induced and as such does not act like a typical depression. I don't have the slowness of movement that I had before I was medicated and there is no sleeping a lot. There's just terrible apathy and an inability to just relax into the way things are. I keep trying to have it be ok that I am not being productive right now but I can't. Like WC says above, she is trying to give into the apathy and so am I. I just can't do it. Can't go to the library and load up on books and read and lose myself in fiction till this gets better. I can't get interested in reading. Have to have the distraction of jigsaw puzzles on the computer while my mind compulsively tortures me with thoughts of self loathing.

 

This is no way to live. But it is the only gig going at the moment. I wonder when the good feelings will make an appearance again?

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westcoast

Yes, Drum, I always CT'd everything. Had no idea about withdrawal.

 

Cymbie, let's become champion apathists. Wouldn't it help to make it the official position? I recall a bumpersticker from the 1980s that said, "Since I gave up hope, I feel much better."

 

It just occurred to me that reading the net all day and night is what I used to do for a living, sort of, as a web developer. So maybe this isn't as life-wrecking as I feel it to be. It is similar activities, but without pay, and without having to leave bed.

 

Drum, keep on keeping on. It is like wading through mud that is up to your eyeballs, I know. It is the wading that matters. One foot in front of the other, day after day. It does get better, honest.

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drummerseve

Cymbalta u just described exactly how i feel. This is not normal depression. Its ten times worse. To the point where i question my sanity and my future. I feel so fuct up. Im sick of the suicidal thoughts all day every day. Three months ago i suffered from panic attacks and thought that was bad. That was a cakewalk compared to this. And i just feel im getting worse. My problem is im still on the drugs. Im not even tapering.

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