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Barbarannamated

Deep despair, dread, doom, horror

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drummerseve

Thanks, West. This could be the hardest day ive had on three months. The apathy, jesus...ur tellin me.

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westcoast

I hate this! I am used to it by now but I hate seeing people have to join this stupid, invisible club. Your sig mentions that you stopped smoking during all this. I actually started again, but now vape nicotine rather than combusting it. I have a powerful habit, and use a nicotine patch as well as vaping. It is the strongest addiction known to science, but I wonder if it might give you some relief. I feel crazy for even saying that, but any port in a storm. Just yell at me if it seems appropriate to yell.

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cymbaltawithdrawal5600

WC, guess what?

 

I switched to vaping 5-6 years ago and now I am down to zero nicotine since last summer. And I am hardly using it at all anymore. So some stuff really gets better. I don't really know why I dropped the nic but I did but there were times in wd when I went through a whole lot of liquid. It was just easier to vape it without the nic for some reason.

 

DE, I've had lots of days that were the worst. Have no idea how I managed to survive them.

 

I might go to the library and check out a lot of books. Not that I am going to read them, I don't understand why I cannot read right now. But I can't. Or maybe I'll sit there for a couple of hours and read magazines. Why does that seem like such a hard thing to do?

 

I have lost the thread of being me, I don't know who I am anymore. I don't know if we all go through this. While I don't want to go back to having to claw my way from one moment to the next like last year was, at least it filled up a whole day. I don't dare think about the future.

 

It sure was nice talking to both of you here. I don't have anyone to talk to in real life.

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westcoast

Cymbie, message me any time and I will do the same. Reading did return for me; in fact, i would say that it is the greatest triumph of all, though I did nothing to bring it about and don't mention it often. I guess I have said elsewhere that I started with light humor such as Free Country by George Mahood, and old Mary Lasswell books about funny old ladies who live together and do crazy stuff. But for a lomg time I would look at the first page of a book and blank out. I guess magazines are a good start, though for some reason I don't enjoy Elle as I used to. One friend recommends checking cracked.com (humor) before going to bed every night!

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cymbaltawithdrawal5600

Read nearly article on cracked, (love d*ck humor, I'm bad) plus their forums. Cake wrecks, photoshop disasters, bored panda, salon, slate, wired. Vanity Fair back issues, whatever I could sneak from the New Yorker. Last year when I thought I was recovered? Every episode of Air Crash Investigation and Mayday (I know why planes have the designation 'heavy'). I want to be normal and read books again.

 

I'll consider myself recovered when I can relax. I can't ever say I am relaxed. My mind is in a constant whirlwind of angry black bees attacking me. I had even got back into beading again for a bit. I have no idea why I cannot do it again but I can't, can't even look at them. I posted some pictures of the rings I made, somewhere in my thread. I keep thinking I'll make them and take them to the church thrift store. I did that with a bunch of old beads I had but I was a bit put off because they sold them too cheaply. I'll suggest the price next time, I think.

 

How weird, though. Today I thought about a beaded angel I made years ago. It took days and days of painstaking work. Can't remember but I think I gave it away. For a brief second I had an urge to get the beads out. The urge was gone in a flash. It is really that weird. When you have nothing going on in your life you tend to notice every little thing, this self absorption is sick and I hate it. But I still keep having this feeling if I can just define what is going on and what I want my life to look like, that I can get it to go there. But I can't tune the picture in clear enough. that is why I think it is still the effect of the drugs. Not enough upregulated receptors.

 

Sure, message any time and I'll message you too.

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alaskamom

DE, just wanted to chime in again and let you know that it can and will get better, but it takes a long time.  We totally sympathize with how bad you are feeling as we have been there.  Just focus on stabilizing and trying to wait out the worst of it.  Treat each symptom as it comes up as you can.  Nausea = motion sickness meds/Seabands, anxiety=meditation, etc.

 

It totally feels like you are losing your mind and nobody outside of this group believes you.  I am 500% worse off now than life before antidepressant.

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drummerseve

You guys made my day and night. This day has been extreme to say the least but u guys put a smile on my face and lately thats rare....i smile but its not real. So ty all for that and thanks for the support.

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drummerseve

Im glad we all talked today. All of us. Anytime u guys wanna chat im down. Id give u guys a huge hug if i wasnt half way across the world ;) haha.

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westcoast

Yay for this thread!

 

Cymbalta, once again, you could be me. I do not relax. I used to have a kind of seizure if I even tried to lie down and let my muscles all relax. I always feel alert, like a meerkat. The thought of getting sleepy and wanting going to bed is like the thought of riding on Saturn's rings next week. My new routine is to essentially stay in bed, blurring the lines between night and day and trying not to worry about it.

 

I am being driven nuts by something similar to your beads, sewing and silkscreening. My brain wants to do it but there is no way to make myself. I love the feeling of having made a nice thing--it is a genuine reward. And i think I even like doing the work. I just cannot will myself to do it. Typing, reading, errands, and videos are about it for me.

 

Drum, I hope tomorrow is better for you.

 

AlaskaMom, that was a nice post, and 500% sounds right. Depression would be a luxury right now, like a favorite old quilt.

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drummerseve

I wish it was just regular depression. Riding on the rings of Saturn sounds about right.

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cymbaltawithdrawal5600

Oh yes, regular depression would be welcome right about now. I read somewhere that 'regular' depression is time limited and usually resolves in 6 months. Have no idea if that is true. But this depression as a result of antidepressant drugs is not the same thing. Not the same thing at all.

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drummerseve

Its been insane how we live in a separate world it seems. Normal things that never bothered us do, depression is not depression in our world. So many lil things, big things too that affect us in the most messed up way. Today i bought my first Tibetan singing bowl. Ive been meditating a lot and started using one in mindfulness with my therapist. He suggested when waking with the dread to force myself out of bed and go meditate instantly. So i did. I took today off and went on a search as well. Found a nice bowl in the key of B. I find the low notes really help with finding a peacefulness. I used it tonight but its tough trying to focus on my breathing and use the bowl at the same time. The morning meditation helped me and today, randomly, has been one of my better days. How are you guys doin?

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cymbaltawithdrawal5600

I don't know what the world is like that the rest of you are living in but where I am at is pretty bad. I think I am going to give up trying to explain it anymore.

 

There is no joy in anything. That is the piece that is missing. And I keep feeling oh so guilty because I am convinced it is my fault. That if I would just push hard enough it will come back. But I won't push because I am convinced it will do no good. And it goes around and around, all day long like this. My mind id constantly trying to find something to look forward to , something that would bring joy. I can't turn it off, it just does this all day by itself.

 

I'm done trying.

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LoveandLight

I've discovered CW, that dairy makes me depressed..I wonder if it dietary related for you..just a thought..but I sooo relate..I long for the day when I can just go about my day not dragged down with sadness and depressed..

 

I read what you wrote wc about riding on saturns rings..good description of the horror and surreality of WD depression..urgh..

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cymbaltawithdrawal5600

Thanks LL but if it is dairy then so be it. I have never had a problem with dairy and I am not going to stop using it now. I can't get any worse than I am now and I do not believe this will go away if I cut out certain foods. This a different hell than last year's. How many more can there be? I don't doubt that living this way, with no hope and no joy and no help from anywhere (because drugs just aren't an option anymore) is a reason why some give up and throw in the towel. When there is no hope, there is no hope. And something in me thinks I should be able to do something about this and I am not doing it.

 

I am no better than the other doom sayers who sometimes post here. I wanted to be better but I am not. So I am getting what I deserve. No one can convince me otherwise.

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LoveandLight

Yes, I'm feeling pretty hopeless myself and cannot see out..it's awful, isn't it?

 

How do you mean you deserve it?

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LoveandLight

What was your year like after ad before WD hit?

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drummerseve

I can agree with how u feel, cym. I dont feel the joy or excitement i used to. I might get a taste here or there but its short lived. I lay in bed paralyzed daily. The only thing indo and it takes everything in me is go to work. I think if i didnt id be finished. Even tho im crawling out of my skin when im there. Dont give up. You have a log of people who give a **** about u and know it will get better and I'm one of them. Honestly I think about u daily. Its a disaster to go through this. I dread every single day but i know its inevitable that things have to change. If u need to talk lemme know. Take it easy on urself. Ur gonna be ok. Stay strong cym.

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bluebalu86

When I cut the Flupentixo dose in half in April I had a symptom that's very difficult to describe. It freaked me out so much and I wanted to go to the hospital, it was so bad.

 

It was the worst feeling in the world. I've never had it before withdrawal. A feeling of internal doom, dread, terror and horror without any logical reason. It was as if my soul is in hell and being tortured. Like being tortured psychologically, emotionally and your soul being in the worst possible condition. I found it unendurable. I have dealt with insane amounts of depression and anxiety in my life, but this felt unendurable and beyond what any human can bear.

 

I'm scared to start tapering in fear of it happening again to me. 

 

Has anyone else experienced this and do you know what it is and how to deal with it?

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brassmonkey

This is a fairly common symptom, especially if you make a 50% drop like you did.  If you do a proper slow taper you shouldn't have trouble with it.  I'm not saying it won't happen again, but with a slow taper it should be a lot easier on you.  And now that you have been through something that bad, you'll know how to handle it and know that it is just a temporary thing and it will go away.  I would like to point out that in April you experienced the "unendurable"  and yet here it is the middle of June and you're still around to ask questions.  So you have "endured" the "unendurable".  I am not trying to down play what you went through, but instead point out that you survived something horrific.  So even if the symptoms are horrific you can make it through.  It is not a good idea to use certain phrases or words like "unendurable" when you think about what you're going through.  This builds a negative mindset and makes everything seem worse than it actually is.  Fear is one of our worst enemies.  I was scared to death when I started my taper.  I had visions of myself sitting in a chair rubbing a worry stone saying over and over "it's only WD, it's only WD".  But it never happened. I felt different from my first drop, and a lot of it was really, really unpleasant, but it did get better, and with time it turned great.  Your brain and your body want to survive, put your trust in them and let them do their job.  Besides you have already endured the unendurable.

 

((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((HUGS)))))))))))))))))))))))))))

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bluebalu86

Thank you brass

 

You're right. I endured. When I updosed it slowly went away and I don't have it right now. I will taper slowly and hopefully it won't be as bad this time around.

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oskcajga

When I cut the Flupentixo dose in half in April I had a symptom that's very difficult to describe. It freaked me out so much and I wanted to go to the hospital, it was so bad.

 

It was the worst feeling in the world. I've never had it before withdrawal. A feeling of internal doom, dread, terror and horror without any logical reason. It was as if my soul is in hell and being tortured. Like being tortured psychologically, emotionally and your soul being in the worst possible condition. I found it unendurable. I have dealt with insane amounts of depression and anxiety in my life, but this felt unendurable and beyond what any human can bear.

 

I'm scared to start tapering in fear of it happening again to me. 

 

Has anyone else experienced this and do you know what it is and how to deal with it?

 

I think I sort of understand, it's a symptom associated with depersonalization/derealization or something.  I've totally recovered from that, it took many months, but I did more or less recover. 

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Happy2Heal

I have found this one simple thing that helps when I start to have feelings of doom and gloom creep in:

 

I look up! seriously. it is that simple.

 

i feel like I read a study about this online, some time ago, that looking up does indeed combat depressed feelings, but what happened was that I noticed that the longer I am looking down, for any reason (like when I"m sewing) the more dark feelings start to accumulate,

 

so i take breaks to look up.

when I am out walking, instead of always looking at the ground, I will force myself to look up and around.

i have a degree of agoraphobia so this is not always easy for me, that's why i say I force myself to do it.

 

I hope this little tidbit helps someone

 

 

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scallywag

That's great catnapt! 

 

It took me a few seconds to understand what you wrote,  "Huh, what? <pause> <thinking> Ohhhhhhhh, actually looking up. Shifting where my eyes are looking to something at a higher elevation, higher than my head."

 

Sometimes language expressions are a pain-in-the-behind.

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AliG

Thanks for sharing Cat. Sometimes the simplest things have so much value .  I like the phrase - " LOOK UP ".  Simple yet elegant.

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ChessieCat

Did a bit of googling and found this:  happiness-is-looking-up

 

Green font is my emphasis.  TED talk is interesting.

 

"We are what we do

 

Although it might seem an over-simplistic and unrealistic idea, science supports the idea that we can change how we feel by first changing our body language. Embodied cognition is the idea that not only does our mind influence our body, but our body also influences our mind. There is some very interesting research that shows we can increase our feeling of power by simply adopting recognized “power poses“ to influence our brain chemicals as explained in this TED talk by one of the study’s researchers Amy Cuddy."

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powerback

Hi everyone ,im wondering does anybody else feel the same feelings as myself .

I get this feeling of grief and impending doom in the pit of my chest around my heart. It lasts for days at a time .I had an emotional spiral on Sunday ,I'm wondering if it connected to that .I also can feel my heart skipping a beat at times during this.

 

Im also wondering if its connected to  deep emotional purging coming out from my past but I never get to that point of deep crying and the relief in my system that comes after that, probably cause I'm still on 37.5 venlafaxine I'm thinking.  

 

I'm not overly concerned but I am stuck in a spiral that doesn't seem to let up ,its been happening on and off for months .

 

Any input would be greatly appreciated .

Thanks 

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Petunia

Hi powerback,

The sensations and feelings you describe are quite common as part of withdrawal, but also in people still on medication when the nervous system has become sensitized.

 

Personally I was dealing with these feelings daily, for a long time while I was in the earlier stages of recovery. Now I experience a very mild version of it for a few hours every morning.

 

I also wonder if these extreme emotions are what we have repressed in the past, and are now being released, as you say, like a purging process. I hope this is what's happening because I don't like the idea of walking around the the rest of my life with all this dark, heavy energy trapped inside me. So I'm quite happy to go through this if it means I will eventually be free from it.

 

Here is our other related topic with lots of discussion about extreme emotions during withdrawal: Neuro emotions

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powerback

Hi powerback,

The sensations and feelings you describe are quite common as part of withdrawal, but also in people still on medication when the nervous system has become sensitized.

 

Personally I was dealing with these feelings daily, for a long time while I was in the earlier stages of recovery. Now I experience a very mild version of it for a few hours every morning.

 

I also wonder if these extreme emotions are what we have repressed in the past, and are now being released, as you say, like a purging process. I hope this is what's happening because I don't like the idea of walking around the the rest of my life with all this dark, heavy energy trapped inside me. So I'm quite happy to go through this if it means I will eventually be free from it.

 

Here is our other related topic with lots of discussion about extreme emotions during withdrawal: Neuro emotions

HI pentunia thanks for your reply. Repressed emotions must be a factor .

I pushed my self exercising after I wrote that post and it totally relieved it  by 70% I reckon ,I usually exercise every day but for 3 days I didn't do much and I wonder if it builds in my system if not relieved like a pressure valve .

Take care

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Downbutnotout

I don’t know what to do. Nobody on here is helping me. I am now off everything but trazadone. I retried prozac and it made me hyper and crazy on a small dose. I’m afraid to take anything because they are all doing that to me. I am supposing I should retry effexor. 

The psychiatrist just wants me to keep trying different drugs. I know if I go to a hospital they will make me very sick. I’ve had it. And my morning anxiety is horrendous. 

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Downbutnotout

I feel like I’ve been dumped by the moderators of this group. I get no response. I upped by trazadone last night.My eye is twitching. I’d love to get rid of the trazadone, but now I know I can’t. I’m up to 100 mg. I am afraid to use effexor. I know it will do the same thing. I used 5 beads previously and it made me hyper. My hyperactive reactions to prozac has scared the crap out of me. I never acted like this before. I actually threw my wedding ring down at the ymca and lost it. I tried to punch my husband. I acted like a classically crazy person. 

 

I am so bitter toward the psychiatric community that did this to me in the first place. I’m 67. I was getting along all right until 6 months ago. If I just dump the trazadone what is going to happen to me? I know I can’t do it. 

 

Now, I’m afraid to go back to the psychiatrist. She wants to give me Seroquel. This site has made me feel like I have no options. I can’t go to a psychiatrist because they will overdrug me. I can’t stop the medications because I will have the bad reactions. 

 

There have been several people who have tried to help. But I’m afraid there’s nothing anyone can do. 

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gardenlady

The symptom that troubles me most is one I don't hear people mention much.  It's a pervasive, non-stop sense of existential doom and dread.  I've had it for three years and it gets worse the lower in my AD dose that I go.  I also had it when I tapered a benzo. I'm tapering Cymbalta very, very slowly but this symptom as well as akathisia, sleep inversion (unable to sleep at night...only in the day), depersonalization and derealization are unremitting.  I've never had a window and these symptoms are so severe that I'm not able to socialize at all and have to stay isolated because of it.  

 

I've not found anything that helps with any of these symptoms.  Does anyone else have this unceasing existential doom and dread?  It's worse when I'm in bed as I lie awake for hours before falling asleep and then sleep only 1 or 2 hours at a time.  When I wake up, I have the immediate doom and dread and sometimes I wonder how long I can keep on like this as it gets only worse despite a very, very slow taper.   I often feel like I'm going insane because of it.  

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Gemma92

Hello, I don't get windows either and I also get that doom and dread. It feels like it's doomsday every second of the day. It has an evil vibe to it. It must be mental akathisia. hope it lessons for you soon! 

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gardenlady
17 minutes ago, Gemma92 said:

Hello, I don't get windows either and I also get that doom and dread. It feels like it's doomsday every second of the day. It has an evil vibe to it. It must be mental akathisia. hope it lessons for you soon! 

Yes, it's demonic....that's the only way I know how to describe it...it's not of this world.  I'm so sorry you have it, too.  I don't expect it to change for me anytime soon as I've had it for so long and it's getting worse the lower in dose I get.  I'm jealous of people who experience the "windows and waves" process.....I wouldn't know a window if it hit me in the face.  

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Gemma92
3 minutes ago, gardenlady said:

Yes, it's demonic....that's the only way I know how to describe it...it's not of this world.  I'm so sorry you have it, too.  I don't expect it to change for me anytime soon as I've had it for so long and it's getting worse the lower in dose I get.  I'm jealous of people who experience the "windows and waves" process.....I wouldn't know a window if it hit me in the face.  

Yeah, that's the best way to describe it! It's awful!

 

I get jealous too when other people experience windows. I hope we get ours soon! 🙏

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UnfoldingSky

I am mostly recovered but had the doom feeling and akathisia, both are now long gone. Feel for you both!

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