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Michael's story


Michael

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To put the medicine use into context, I think it's necessary to tell you some things about how I have lived my life. Sorry if it's a long story.

 

It seems that depression has been with me always. I'm 55 now, and I can remember, vividly, how terrible I felt as a teenager. It's was the same feeling as I have sometimes these days, very intense self-loathing, like a sadness frozen around my heart. I just felt then and still feel now like I do not belong.

 

Even before puberty I learned how to sooth myself by going into my mind and making up daydreams. I fantasized a lot. It got me through life and helped me to feel, sometimes calm and safe, sometimes desire, sometimes lonliness and rejection. Unfortunately it has also given me the habit of thinking about the worst possible future. I often project about a bad future and then try to find ways to protect against that happening.

 

My first brush with psychotherapy occurred in my late teens when I washed out of the military. Until then I had been withdrawn and awkward, but otherwise easy-going. After my discharge, moving back into my parents home and finding out that my girlfriend had taken up with another man, I became very angry. I started yelling and arguing with my mother frequently. My parents got me a job as a janitor and got me into therapy. It didn't seem to help much, but I had some relief belonging to a group of young adults my age and slightly older. Not everything was dark. I quit the psychotherapy after a few months, but found myself going back to talking therapy, usually with poor results, many times in the subsequent years.

 

I went away to university and things improved for a few months. I felt alive and capable. I earned good grades for the first time in my life. I felt excited.

 

I became involved with a woman five years my senior and quickly developed the relationship into a rollercoaster of attraction, fear, rejection, longing, and attraction again. We had a great physical chemsitry, but I hated myself for feeling dependent on that, and I didn't respect her as a person. As time went I started aiming my anger, frustration, and self-hatred at her which hurt her and made me feel that much more self-loathing. But I was hooked on the attraction and desire, and she put up with my wild swings so we went on. Eventually we married, and, four years later, divorced. Even that didn't stop the attraction/rejection cycle. Only when I moved 2500 miles away did it end.

 

I had other girlfriends and moved around some more. My behaviour with them became more extreme. I lived alone and withdrew, having no friends and few acquaintances. I spent a lot of time just sitting, feeling terrible, only rousing myself to go to work. I attended self-help groups and an anger management workshop, but neither one broke the depression/anxiety/self-hatred that gripped me.

 

In 1993 I met my wife, and over the next five years I watched as my anger outbursts grew, from few at first, to routine occurrances. I watched how her sweet love for me ebbed away. Eventually I decided I had to do something.

 

My doctor suggested an SSRI, Citalopram, which seemed to help at first. I didn't feel like I was as viciously angry, but I was still angry. The outbursts came weekly, just as thay had before, and they grew worse and longer in the winter, just as they had before. After a few years, I quit the Citalopram cold-turkey and without consulting with my doctor. For the first three weeks I was fine, then the withdrawl symptoms hit hard. I felt suicidal for about six weeks before starting to level out again. My angry behaviour continued then, an outburst pretty much every week, always aimed at my wife, always severly critical of her.

 

At her urging I tried homeopathy. I worked for several months with a homeopath who tried several remedies on me. Sometimes I'd feel shortlived changes, but nothing that ever lasted. After a while my wife begged me to go back on the SSRI's in the hope that I would treat her better. I thought that I was treating her much the same without them as when I had been on them, but she seemed to think that I had been better before quitting.

 

So I went back on Citalopram. After the initial upswing in mood, I settled back down into my old pattern. It didn't look to me like the drug was doing anything at all, but I wasn't about to quit it for fear of the withdrawl.

 

I had developed quite a habit of sexual fantasy and some other, unsavory practices. In 2006 I stopped everything except the fantasy.

 

My ability to handle stress at work grew worse. I very nearly threw my laptop against a conference room wall during a meeting. Only tight self-control kept me from ruining my career at that time. I was taken off of work for 11 months with depression, and during that time a psychiatrist switched me from Citalopram to Escitalopram. He had me on 30 mg of the stuff at one time. I also tried Pregabalin for anxiety, but it had no effect, and I quickly stopped it without withdrawl symptoms. This psychiatrist seemed pretty lacksidasical in following me so after 18 months or so I stopped seeing him. With my doctor's help I came down from 30 mg per day of the Escitalopram to 20 mg per day. We followed a very slow trajectory of reduction.

 

In November, 2011 I had an angry outburst at work. Six weeks later my boss decided he didn't want to keep me in his employ. I've been unemployed since then.

 

Throughout 2012, my use of sexual fantasy has ebbed away. Because of that, I haven't had my habitual practice to ease the self-loathing and projected fear of the future that I so often engage in.

 

In July, 2012 I was diagnosed with an Autism Spectrum Condition with co-morbid Schizotypal traits. The diagnosing psychiatrist, who is not allowed to follow my case (lovely way the NHS in England works), suggested switching me from 20 mg of Escitalopram to 40 mg of Fluoxetine because the Fluoxetine targets more different types of seratonin recprtors. He also suggested that I go on between 0.5 mg and 2 mg of Risperidone.

 

In August I started the Risperidone. By mid-September my mood log shows an entry noting depression. Nonetheless, I thought that I was gaining greater insight into my anger problems, so in the third week of September we increased the Risperidone dose to 1 mg per day. My log shows a few more entries of depression and anxiety. Then on 12 October I switched from 20 mg of Escitalopram to 20 mg of Fluoxetine. The psychiatrist had suggested switching to 40 mg, but my young doctor made a mistake, and I didn't catch it.

 

From there on, my life has gone downhill rapidly. By Christmas I was well and truely in deep depression. Most days I woke up with dread and anxiety. My life seems hopeless, no job and out of work for over a year, badly damaged marriage, impending disaster financially.

 

I occasionally got some relief by taking Modafinil. If I stayed off of it for three or four days and then took a dose, that day I would feel brighter. I'd have some confidence and a positive outlook. The effect would fade if I took it every day though, so I was off and on it, trying to get the maximum benefit.

 

The week of Christmas, my wife convinced me to start withdrawing from the Risperidone. I only had tablets at that time so I started an alternating dosage, 0.5 mg one day and 1 mg the next. The anxiety and depression have been very difficult since then. At my doctor's urging I'm taking a steady dose of the Modafinil, 100 mg per day, and also of the Fluoxetine, 20 mg per day.

 

Just last week I convinced another doctor to prescribe me with liquid Risperidone. It felt like I had to fight tooth and nail to get what I wanted, but I was in the middle of a severe anxiety attack during the appointment. I'm now taking 0.7 mg per day. The morning anxiety has lessened some.

 

This doctor will not countenance a 10% reduction trajectory. In his opinion, it's the act of reducing the dosage, more so than the amount, that causes the discontinuation symptoms. We've agreed on reducing 0.1 mg per week, subject to review and depending on how I do. It least it's a more stable blood level than the alternating method.

 

So that's where I'm at. My wife would like me off of everything, and I'd like to know how I behave drug-free. Whether that's feasible or not is unclear to me. Much depends on whether I can gain employment over the next several months. I feel like I have to gain some mood stability in order to have any chance of holding a job. The long-term anger problem remains, and, as far as I can see, none of the drugs has affected it in any really benefitial way although I've been on the SSRI's for so long that I may not remember how much worse it was without them. Right now I'm just focussed on getting off of the Risperidone. If I can accomplish that, then we'll try to understand what's best to do next.

Michael

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First of all, welcome to the forum, Michael. I'm so sorry that you've had to go through all of this. Many of the problems you describe are likely caused by the medications themselves. You've come to the right place for help in withdrawing.

 

To put the medicine use into context, I think it's necessary to tell you some things about how I have lived my life. Sorry if it's a long story.

 

It seems that depression has been with me always. I'm 55 now, and I can remember, vividly, how terrible I felt as a teenager. It's was the same feeling as I have sometimes these days, very intense self-loathing, like a sadness frozen around my heart. I just felt then and still feel now like I do not belong.

 

Even before puberty I learned how to sooth myself by going into my mind and making up daydreams. I fantasized a lot. It got me through life and helped me to feel, sometimes calm and safe, sometimes desire, sometimes lonliness and rejection. Unfortunately it has also given me the habit of thinking about the worst possible future. I often project about a bad future and then try to find ways to protect against that happening.

 

This pattern of thinking is quite common in depressed people. We'll address that later when you're on a sane path to getting off the drugs.

 

...My doctor suggested an SSRI, Citalopram, which seemed to help at first. I didn't feel like I was as viciously angry, but I was still angry. The outbursts came weekly, just as thay had before, and they grew worse and longer in the winter, just as they had before. After a few years, I quit the Citalopram cold-turkey and without consulting with my doctor. For the first three weeks I was fine, then the withdrawal symptoms hit hard. I felt suicidal for about six weeks before starting to level out again. My angry behaviour continued then, an outburst pretty much every week, always aimed at my wife, always severly critical of her.

Cold turkey is absolutely the worst way to come off of an antidepressant. Your anger at this point was no doubt made much worse by withdrawal. People who experience withdrawal from cold turkey-ing an antidepressant don't get over it in six weeks. One of my own symptoms after getting off Lexapro (i.e., Escitalopram) was rage over the most minor inconveniences.

 

At her urging I tried homeopathy. I worked for several months with a homeopath who tried several remedies on me. Sometimes I'd feel shortlived changes, but nothing that ever lasted. After a while my wife begged me to go back on the SSRI's in the hope that I would treat her better. I thought that I was treating her much the same without them as when I had been on them, but she seemed to think that I had been better before quitting.

 

So I went back on Citalopram. After the initial upswing in mood, I settled back down into my old pattern. It didn't look to me like the drug was doing anything at all, but I wasn't about to quit it for fear of the withdrawal.

 

I had developed quite a habit of sexual fantasy and some other, unsavory practices. In 2006 I stopped everything except the fantasy.

 

My ability to handle stress at work grew worse. I very nearly threw my laptop against a conference room wall during a meeting. Only tight self-control kept me from ruining my career at that time. I was taken off of work for 11 months with depression, and during that time a psychiatrist switched me from Citalopram to Escitalopram. He had me on 30 mg of the stuff at one time. I also tried Pregabalin for anxiety, but it had no effect, and I quickly stopped it without withdrawl symptoms. This psychiatrist seemed pretty lacksidasical in following me so after 18 months or so I stopped seeing him. With my doctor's help I came down from 30 mg per day of the Escitalopram to 20 mg per day. We followed a very slow trajectory of reduction.

30 mg. is a truckload. The usual dosage is 10 mg. Escitalopram is Citalopram on steroids. It's twice as strong as most other antidepressants.

 

In November, 2011 I had an angry outburst at work. Six weeks later my boss decided he didn't want to keep me in his employ. I've been unemployed since then.

 

Throughout 2012, my use of sexual fantasy has ebbed away. Because of that, I haven't had my habitual practice to ease the self-loathing and projected fear of the future that I so often engage in.

 

In July, 2012 I was diagnosed with an Autism Spectrum Condition with co-morbid Schizotypal traits. The diagnosing psychiatrist, who is not allowed to follow my case (lovely way the NHS in England works), suggested switching me from 20 mg of Escitalopram to 40 mg of Fluoxetine because the Fluoxetine targets more different types of seratonin recprtors. He also suggested that I go on between 0.5 mg and 2 mg of Risperidone.

 

In August I started the Risperidone. By mid-September my mood log shows an entry noting depression. Nonetheless, I thought that I was gaining greater insight into my anger problems, so in the third week of September we increased the Risperidone dose to 1 mg per day. My log shows a few more entries of depression and anxiety. Then on 12 October I switched from 20 mg of Escitalopram to 20 mg of Fluoxetine. The psychiatrist had suggested switching to 40 mg, but my young doctor made a mistake, and I didn't catch it.

 

Due to the relative strength of Escitalopram, that's an enormous drop in dosage. It's no wonder at all that you feel terrible.

 

 

From there on, my life has gone downhill rapidly. By Christmas I was well and truely in deep depression. Most days I woke up with dread and anxiety. My life seems hopeless, no job and out of work for over a year, badly damaged marriage, impending disaster financially.

 

Your drop in dosage from Escatilopram to Fluoxetine has put you into severe withdrawal and many of those feelings you're having - deep depression, dread, anxiety, and hopelessness - are typical of severe withdrawal. Try to keep in mind that what you're going through is not due to your personality or anything at all that you've done, it's the drugs. There's a very strong tendency to belittle and blame ourselves in withdrawal.

 

I occasionally got some relief by taking Modafinil. If I stayed off of it for three or four days and then took a dose, that day I would feel brighter. I'd have some confidence and a positive outlook. The effect would fade if I took it every day though, so I was off and on it, trying to get the maximum benefit.

 

I'm puzzled as to why this works, as Modafinil is meant to treat narcolepsy. It's a stimulant so it may be making everything else worse in the long run.

 

The week of Christmas, my wife convinced me to start withdrawing from the Risperidone. I only had tablets at that time so I started an alternating dosage, 0.5 mg one day and 1 mg the next. The anxiety and depression have been very difficult since then. At my doctor's urging I'm taking a steady dose of the Modafinil, 100 mg per day, and also of the Fluoxetine, 20 mg per day.

 

Alternating doses is the second worst way to taper off an AD. Taper off slowly and gradually.

 

Here's some info on getting off Risperidone:

 

Tapering Off Risperdone

 

 

Just last week I convinced another doctor to prescribe me with liquid Risperidone. It felt like I had to fight tooth and nail to get what I wanted, but I was in the middle of a severe anxiety attack during the appointment. I'm now taking 0.7 mg per day. The morning anxiety has lessened some.

 

This doctor will not countenance a 10% reduction trajectory. In his opinion, it's the act of reducing the dosage, more so than the amount, that causes the discontinuation symptoms. We've agreed on reducing 0.1 mg per week, subject to review and depending on how I do. It least it's a more stable blood level than the alternating method.

 

That's where I'm at. My wife would like me off of everything, and I'd like to know how I behave drug-free. Whether that's feasible or not is unclear to me. Much depends on whether I can gain employment over the next several months. I feel like I have to gain some mood stability in order to have any chance of holding a job. The long-term anger problem remains, and, as far as I can see, none of the drugs has affected it in any really beneficial way although I've been on the SSRI's for so long that I may not remember how much worse it was without them. Right now I'm just focused on getting off of the Risperidone. If I can accomplish that, then we'll try to understand what's best to do next.

 

I hope that both you and your wife will be patient. Antidepressants change the structure and functioning of the brain and these changes remain even after the drug is out of one's system. This is why it's important to get off the drugs very slowly - and one at a time - rather than yank that chemical support abruptly. Withdrawal symptoms are due to destabilization of the Central Nervous System and the CNS attempting to right itself and go back to normal.

 

Again, welcome. You'll find lots of solid information and friendly support here.

Psychotropic drug history: Pristiq 50 mg. (mid-September 2010 through February 2011), Remeron (mid-September 2010 through January 2011), Lexapro 10 mg. (mid-February 2011 through mid-December 2011), Lorazepam (Ativan) 1 mg. as needed mid-September 2010 through early March 2012

"Never attribute to malice that which is adequately explained by stupidity." -Hanlon's Razor


Introduction: http://survivingantidepressants.org/index.php?/topic/1588-introducing-jemima/

 

Success Story: http://survivingantidepressants.org/index.php?/topic/6263-success-jemima-survives-lexapro-and-dr-dickhead-too/

Please note that I am not a medical professional and my advice is based on personal experience, reading, and anecdotal information posted by other sufferers.

 

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Hi Michael,

 

Sounds like you have been fighting a tiresome battle. Related to the anger issues, have you tried Cognitive Behavioural Therapy, you might be a good candidate for it as you can escape somewhat through fantasies maybe you can be guided to use that skill to restructure your thinking. The trick would be to find a skilled therapist who could also work with you on developing mindfulness techniques and breathing practices that can come useful when you are feeling those sudden outbursts. Anger is an adaptive response to threat so self-loathing can be contributing to it which is something you can overcome, perhaps not easily but at least without having to endure the side effects of antidepressants.

 

Your wife sounds like she is in for the long haul especially since you admit to the abuse she has to endure, so you have got something special there.

 

I wish you good luck and all the strength you need to make it through.

C/T off escitalopram (Lexapro 20 mg) after 5-7 years of use in September 2012.

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Welcome, Michael.

 

Can you tell if you have any withdrawal symptoms from reducing risperdone?

 

Your doctor's philosophy about tapering is based on what?

 

Here are the NICE guidelines for doctors in tapering antidepressants, applicable to risperdone: http://survivingantidepressants.org/index.php?/topic/2448-nice-antidepressant-discontinuation-guidelines-for-uk-doctors/

 

And the MIND UK guide, which is very straightforward: http://www.mind.org.uk/mental_health_a-z/7996_making_sense_of_coming_off_psychiatric_drugs

 

Also see the journal article Howland, 2010 Potential adverse effects of discontinuing psychotropic drugs. Part 3: Antipsychotic, dopaminergic, and mood-stabilizing drugs. http://survivingantidepressants.org/index.php?/topic/900-howland-2010-potential-adverse-effects-of-discontinuing-psychotropic-drugs/page__view__findpost__p__7840

 

Abrupt discontinuation of antipsychotic drugs in patients with schizophrenia is associated with earlier, and often more severe, illness episodes than are seen with gradual discontinuation. Antipsychotic drugs can cause various abnormal motor syndromes, but abruptly stopping them has been associated with the seemingly paradoxical development of similar motor syndromes, such as withdrawal dyskinesias, parkinsonian symptoms, dystonias, and neuroleptic malignant syndrome.

 

Dopamine-releasing and dopamine-agonist drugs are used to treat some of the motor syndromes caused by antipsychotic drugs, but their abrupt discontinuation can also be associated with abnormal syndromes. When antipsychotic drugs, lithium, or certain anticonvulsant drugs are used for treatment of bipolar disorder, rapid versus gradual discontinuation is more likely to lead to greater mood instability and manic relapse.

 

If necessary, these medications should be gradually tapered to minimize all types of adverse discontinuation effects. Patients should be educated about the possible adverse effects of abrupt medication discontinuation.

For tips for tapering risperidone, see http://survivingantidepressants.org/index.php?/topic/1716-tips-for-tapering-off-risperdal-risperidone/

This is not medical advice. Discuss any decisions about your medical care with a knowledgeable medical practitioner.

"It has become appallingly obvious that our technology has surpassed our humanity." -- Albert Einstein

All postings © copyrighted.

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First of all, welcome to the forum, Michael. I'm so sorry that you've had to go through all of this. Many of the problems you describe are likely caused by the medications themselves. You've come to the right place for help in withdrawing.

 

Thank you Jemima for your kind words and thoughtful reply to so much of my story.

Michael

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Sounds like you have been fighting a tiresome battle. Related to the anger issues, have you tried Cognitive Behavioural Therapy, you might be a good candidate for it as you can escape somewhat through fantasies maybe you can be guided to use that skill to restructure your thinking. The trick would be to find a skilled therapist who could also work with you on developing mindfulness techniques and breathing practices that can come useful when you are feeling those sudden outbursts. Anger is an adaptive response to threat so self-loathing can be contributing to it which is something you can overcome, perhaps not easily but at least without having to endure the side effects of antidepressants.

 

Your wife sounds like she is in for the long haul especially since you admit to the abuse she has to endure, so you have got something special there.

 

Hi Mindbend,

 

A kind and good counsellor taught me CBT a few years ago. I use it, and mindfulness practices, a fair amount for the anxiety. It hasn't worked as well with the anger.

 

As far as I can see, my only real hope is learning to replace the negative projections with awareness of the moment and with positive thnking about the future. Mindfulness and CBT play right into those needs.

 

My wife is pretty amazing. I think that she's unique. She has been teaching me about love through her caring for me in this depression. I want to protect her. She deserves a much better life than the one she's receiving.

Michael

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Can you tell if you have any withdrawal symptoms from reducing risperdone?

 

Your doctor's philosophy about tapering is based on what?

 

Hi Alto,

 

Thanks for all of the links.

 

It's very hard to separate my symptoms by which drug or the withdrawl from Risperidone.

 

My mood logs show an increased frequency of reporting severe anxiety after I started the alternating dosage (1 mg one day, 0.5 mg the next). In the few days just before that, I didn't report anxiety as often. However going back a little further, just a few more days, and I do report anxiety. I also remember my experience before I started the alternating dose, and I was feeling a lot of anxiety/depression most of the time.

 

My guess and hope, for what it's worth, is that the anxiety/depression are due to taking the risperidone at all. Going way back, my log shows that I started taking the stuff in August, and I first report depression in mid-September. At that time, I hadn't yet switched from Escitalopram to Fluoxetine, hence no reason to believe that withdrawl from anti-depressants was playing any role. Things get worse from there. I increased from 0.5 mg to 1 mg of Risperidone the third week in September, and the switch from 20 mg of Escitalopram to 20 mg of Fluoxetine happened on the 12th of October. Either or both of those changes could have made things worse.

 

As for my doctor's philosophy about tapering, the only thing he revealed was that he had one time worked with a young woman helping her taper off of an SSRI. He said that they had followed a very slow taper trajectory over the course of many months. He told me that every change in dosage, no matter how small, resulted in severe symptoms. He seems to have concluded from this experience that reductions of any size are likely to cause withdrawl symptoms, and that the size of the drop doesn't play as big a role as the fact that a drop has occurred.

Michael

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  • Administrator

He seems to have concluded from this experience that reductions of any size are likely to cause withdrawl symptoms, and that the size of the drop doesn't play as big a role as the fact that a drop has occurred.

I believe that is incorrect. We have ample evidence from the stories on this site that tolerance for dosage decreases varies among individuals. Some can tolerate greater decreases than others. For the very sensitive, only very tiny decreases are tolerable.

 

Alternating dosages is an excellent way to elicit both adverse reactions and withdrawal symptoms. This is what may have happened when you attempted to reduce Seroquel with that technique.

This is not medical advice. Discuss any decisions about your medical care with a knowledgeable medical practitioner.

"It has become appallingly obvious that our technology has surpassed our humanity." -- Albert Einstein

All postings © copyrighted.

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I've found a different doctor. This one, without prompting, recommended proportionate tapering. She also recommends at least a two week wait between dosage changes. She worked with psychiatric patients for a year earlier in her career and has helped people stop using Risperidone before. I'm much more hopeful that I've found a doctor with whom I can work and that the friction I felt with my last doctor is now a thing of the past.

 

Under my new doctor's direction I reduced my dose from 0.7 mg per day to 0.5 mg per day. I know that that's more than recommended here, but I'm keen to get off of this stuff, and I don't yet know what my tolerance is for reduction. So far I've had quite a variable reaction. Friday the 25th, the day that I reduced, was awful as was Monday the 28th. Saturday and Sunday were middling miserable. Today, however, has been quite a bit better. Although not fully calm, I'm functional. With some effort I can initiate action. I'm actually looking forward to tonight, when I usually feel better.

 

At times I feel frustration, which at least is different to the dread and muzziness in my head.

 

I'm still having lots of thoughts where I project a future with bad things happening. I think that this form of thinking is a long term problem, perhaps influenced by but ultimately separate from the effects of the drugs or of their withdrawl. I've though this way for a long time, and it harms my spirit. The only thing I know to do about it is to acknowledge when I think this way, identify the way that I'm distorting reality, and then practice either mindfulness or replacing the negative future with a more positive one. It's an on-going struggle, especially when I become afraid. Then the negative thoughts really can get ahold of my mind. Fortunately I'm not afraid all of the time today, and for that I'm grateful.

Michael

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Good to hear you've found a doctor who seems knowledgeable.

 

Well, it's up to you to decide whether you want to try a smaller reduction next time and perhaps avoid 5 days of withdrawal symptoms.

 

If you would, please send me a pm with the doctor's contact information so I can add her to our list http://survivingantidepressants.org/index.php?/topic/988-recommended-doctors-therapists-or-clinics/

This is not medical advice. Discuss any decisions about your medical care with a knowledgeable medical practitioner.

"It has become appallingly obvious that our technology has surpassed our humanity." -- Albert Einstein

All postings © copyrighted.

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I'm still having lots of thoughts where I project a future with bad things happening. I think that this form of thinking is a long term problem, perhaps influenced by but ultimately separate from the effects of the drugs or of their withdrawal. I've though this way for a long time, and it harms my spirit. The only thing I know to do about it is to acknowledge when I think this way, identify the way that I'm distorting reality, and then practice either mindfulness or replacing the negative future with a more positive one. It's an on-going struggle, especially when I become afraid. Then the negative thoughts really can get ahold of my mind. Fortunately I'm not afraid all of the time today, and for that I'm grateful.

 

I struggle with that as well and agree it's a problem that preceded taking and withdrawing from antidepressants. It can certainly cause a person to experience anxiety and foreboding.

 

I'm currently reading The Power of Now by Eckhart Tolle which talks a lot about staying in the present, which as he says, is all we have. That doesn't mean that a person doesn't have goals or plans or a Do List, but that the only thing we can possibly affect is the present moment. The past is unchangeable and we can't act in the future, we can only be and do in the present moment.

 

I'm finally starting to get the hang of this and it helps quite a bit with anxiety. You might also want to look at the thread on Acceptance started by Starlitegirlx: Acceptance

Psychotropic drug history: Pristiq 50 mg. (mid-September 2010 through February 2011), Remeron (mid-September 2010 through January 2011), Lexapro 10 mg. (mid-February 2011 through mid-December 2011), Lorazepam (Ativan) 1 mg. as needed mid-September 2010 through early March 2012

"Never attribute to malice that which is adequately explained by stupidity." -Hanlon's Razor


Introduction: http://survivingantidepressants.org/index.php?/topic/1588-introducing-jemima/

 

Success Story: http://survivingantidepressants.org/index.php?/topic/6263-success-jemima-survives-lexapro-and-dr-dickhead-too/

Please note that I am not a medical professional and my advice is based on personal experience, reading, and anecdotal information posted by other sufferers.

 

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I'm still having lots of thoughts where I project a future with bad things happening. I think that this form of thinking is a long term problem, perhaps influenced by but ultimately separate from the effects of the drugs or of their withdrawal. I've though this way for a long time, and it harms my spirit. The only thing I know to do about it is to acknowledge when I think this way, identify the way that I'm distorting reality, and then practice either mindfulness or replacing the negative future with a more positive one. It's an on-going struggle, especially when I become afraid. Then the negative thoughts really can get ahold of my mind. Fortunately I'm not afraid all of the time today, and for that I'm grateful.

 

I struggle with that as well and agree it's a problem that preceded taking and withdrawing from antidepressants. It can certainly cause a person to experience anxiety and foreboding.

 

I'm currently reading The Power of Now by Eckhart Tolle which talks a lot about staying in the present, which as he says, is all we have. That doesn't mean that a person doesn't have goals or plans or a Do List, but that the only thing we can possibly affect is the present moment. The past is unchangeable and we can't act in the future, we can only be and do in the present moment.

 

I'm finally starting to get the hang of this and it helps quite a bit with anxiety. You might also want to look at the thread on Acceptance started by Starlitegirlx: Acceptance

 

Hi Jemima and thanks for your thoughts. I've listened to portions of Tolle's The Power of Now as an audio book. I see the wisdom in much of what he says, and coming back to the present moment, from wherever my mind has taken me, is one of the practices I work on. On a good day I can come back to the present pretty regularly and maintain some serenity.

Michael

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Hi Michael,

 

I'm trying to taper off Risperdal too. It is a very powerful drug! I have to taper at a snail's pace; I'm afraid to go any faster because withdrawal is hellacious. There aren't many on the forum tapering this particular drug so I always read if someone else is trying to come off it. I'm also tapering remeron slowly.

 

I took Citalopram for a few years and left it off cold turkey. I never realized what could happen by discontinuing abruptly until I did that with Risperdal.

I'm glad you found a doctor that can help you, they are few and far between. My doctor recommended a two week taper of Risperdal pills. It took me a few months to get him to prescribe liquid.

 

Last January I was taking .375 and have just made it down to .20. I hope you do well with your taper.

 

Tezza

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Hi Tezza,

 

Thanks for your message.

 

I've been reading portions of your introduction thread. It sounds like you've been through a lot. It's been a long road but you're getting there.

 

I agree, Risperidone is a powerful drug. It's really knocked me about, but I've had two good days this week so I continue to hold hope that I'll improve as I get off of it.

 

Kind regards and take care.

Michael

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Really severe depression and anxiety today, yesterday, and the day before. As bad as before I began the reduction, maybe worse. Barely functioning.

Michael

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Hi Michael...

 

Welcome so glad you found us. This is a marvelous site where you can post in an uncensored manner about your symptoms, feelings, emotions, and physical issues.

 

I will need to re-read your post. Sorry, I am pressed for time right now. I have taken Lexapro and I am now taking Celexa.

 

Michael when I was a kid and mostly as a teen-ager I walked around feeling different. I was sensitive and experienced depression at age 15. I can relate to that. Do you parents play a role in this? Schools? Or was it more of a clinical thing? OR both....

 

As far as drugs go, they can cause very intense rage when getting off of them.

 

There are so many suggestions. EMDR Therapy (was great for me). Meditations at night before bed. Very soothing. Intense exercise to discharge energy.

 

As far as getting of your current meds, there are others here who are doing that. I am not familiar with the Respiridone.

 

Nikki

Intro: http://survivingantidepressants.org/index.php?/topic/1902-nikki-hi-my-rundown-with-ads/

 

Paxil 1997-2004

Crossed over to Lexapro Paxil not available

at Pharmacies GSK halted deliveries

Lexapro 40mgs

Lexapro taper (2years)

Imipramine

Imipramine and Celexa

Now Nefazadone/Imipramine 50mgs. each

45mgs. Serzone  50mgs. Imipramine

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  • Administrator

This might be a good time to hold on further reductions, to let your nervous system recover.

This is not medical advice. Discuss any decisions about your medical care with a knowledgeable medical practitioner.

"It has become appallingly obvious that our technology has surpassed our humanity." -- Albert Einstein

All postings © copyrighted.

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Hi Michael,

 

Wishing you the very best! I very seriously doubt you have anything on the autism spectrum with that typical of a childhood (acknowledging that you did have pain). But in people with autism, or really any psychological issue, eliminating gluten (in many grains) and casein (in milk) can make a huge difference. It sure does for me! But I had to stop for several weeks to see the difference. Best, Meimeiquest

1st round Prozac 1989/90, clear depression symptoms. 2nd round Prozac started 1999 when admitted to dr. I was tired. Prozac pooped out, switch to Cymbalta 3/2006. Diagnosed with bipolar disorder due to mania 6/2006--then I was taken abruptly off Cymbalta and didn't know I had SSRI withdrawal. Lots of meds for my intractable "bipolar" symptoms.

Zyprexa started about 9/06, mostly 5mg. Tapered 4/12 through12/29/12

Wellbutrin. XL 300 mg started 1/07, tapered 1/18/13 through 7/8/13

Oxazepam mostly continuously since 6/06, 30mg since 12/12, tapered 1.17.14 through 8.26.15

11/06 Lithium 600mg twice daily, 2.2.14 400mg TID DIY liquid, 2.12.14 1150mg, 3.2.14 1100mg, 3.18.14 1075mg, 4/14 updose to 1100mg, 6.1.14 900 mg capsules 7.8.14 810mg, 8.17.14 725mg, 8.24.24 700mg...10.22.14 487.5mg, 3.9.15 475mg, 4.1.15 462.5mg 4.21.15 450mg 8.11.15 375mg, 11.28.15 362.5mg, back to 375mg four days later, 3.4.16 updose to 475 (too much going on to risk trouble)

9/4/13 Toprol-XL 25mg daily for sudden hypertension, tapered 11.12.13 through 5.3.14, last 10 days or so switched to atenolol

7.4.14 Started Walsh Protocol

56 years old

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Furiously angry this morning, just seething, so writing to try and get it out. I can't see a way forward that isn't dark.

 

I hate whining in others and in myself. I don't want this post to be just a whine about how bad my life is, yet my frustration is so high I have to do something, say something, to somehow change what's going on in my head. I want to yell, scream, throw things around the room, throw a temper tantrum, throw myself on the floor and kick and scream like a little boy.

 

Can't write. Just sat for five minutes trapped in my head. It's too embarrassing to say what I'm saying, let alone what I'm not. My wife says that I'm always trying to get something from others, validation, love, my sense of being okay. I'm certainly always aware of what others might think and trying to avoid getting yelled at or criticised.

 

So dumping the crap in my head is hard. It's hard to be nearly out of control. I struggle to find the words to express my experience: chaos and emotion bouncing around, confusing; self-critical, loathing thoughts. I'm suppose to be in control. I can't be out of control because I'll behave badly and hurt someone and harm my reputation, my future.

 

I must be getting close to something. I'm having trouble staying awake. This happens at times. My mind just seems to shut down. I get sleepy. I don't think that it's a sleep disorder, but rather my mind trying to avoid a truth that lies buried. The sleepiness happens too often when I'm struggling to express my psychological pain for it to be just a body thing. And it only happens then, never just at random.

 

This reaction has to do with being in control or out of control. It hit when I was writing those sentences above, and it's getting stronger again now. What is it about expressing myself spontaneously if negatively with the risk of critical resonse versus having a smooth, packaged presentation where I've shielded myself from criticism that is fundamental to my psychie? What is it?

 

Why do I fear criticism? Why do I yearn for the soothing words and low emotional tones of a loving woman's voice? Why do I feel trapped, unable to move, unable to chart a course through the day? I see the challanges, indeed they appear overwhelming. Why can I not give myself praise and self-certainty for just doing my best at what's in front of me? Intellectually I know that I can break these gargantuan tasks into smaller steps, but that doesn't help, I go back to the fear instead.

 

Why so self-destructive? What does it lead to? It doesn't seem to lead anywhere, just down into darkness and chaos. My own private sojurn through my own private hell.

 

The anger, the frustration has damped down. The sleepiness lies on top. Neuro-emotions? Perhaps, but I suspect something much more my own, carried with me for a lifetime, kept at bay much of the time but now breaking out.

Michael

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I also have had this anger and sleepiness. The anger passed after about a week and now the I'm sleepy alot. The WD seems like it won't let up ,but it does..So slowly. We are in this together, stay in touch here ,these people are life saving. Noone seems to understand how devestating this is. Only us..Keep reminding yourself,this is withdrawal..this is withdrawal..

C/T Celexa and Trazadone on Jan.29th 2014
Prescribed 1mg of Klonopin every 6 hours on Jan.29th
Began tapering Klonopin April 18th..stretching time between doses...at first one hour for 2 weeks then a half hour for app.10 days then another half hour 10days later.
Presently at .25 three times a day..6 2 and 10pm. Trying to stabilize.
Also still taking gabapentin 300mgs 2xs a day..

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  • Administrator

When did the anger and sleepiness start, Michael?

 

Sleepiness may not be a bad thing when one is withdrawing. It can help your nervous system heal. Try to keep regular hours, go to bed and get up at the same time every day.

This is not medical advice. Discuss any decisions about your medical care with a knowledgeable medical practitioner.

"It has become appallingly obvious that our technology has surpassed our humanity." -- Albert Einstein

All postings © copyrighted.

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Can my post be removed for sheer stupidity? What I wrote to Michael so stupid. I don't know what I was thinking.

 

Linda

Lexapro 20 mg.since Aug 2009

Lamotrigine -100 mg. sept. 2009

Seroquel-50 mg.

down from 100 for 6 months.

Been going off and on lexapro since October 2012

off and on Lamotrigine since October 2012.

Incidentally, massive headaches and monthly vomiting has ceased

since October 2012.

So right now no lexapro since Dec. 28th after only taking 15 tables from Nov.12-to Dec.28,2012.

No lamotrigine since mid October 2012.

50 MG. seroquel at bedtime since June 2012.

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  • Administrator

Okay, I hid your post.

This is not medical advice. Discuss any decisions about your medical care with a knowledgeable medical practitioner.

"It has become appallingly obvious that our technology has surpassed our humanity." -- Albert Einstein

All postings © copyrighted.

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Thank you.

Lexapro 20 mg.since Aug 2009

Lamotrigine -100 mg. sept. 2009

Seroquel-50 mg.

down from 100 for 6 months.

Been going off and on lexapro since October 2012

off and on Lamotrigine since October 2012.

Incidentally, massive headaches and monthly vomiting has ceased

since October 2012.

So right now no lexapro since Dec. 28th after only taking 15 tables from Nov.12-to Dec.28,2012.

No lamotrigine since mid October 2012.

50 MG. seroquel at bedtime since June 2012.

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